We're Here to Help - 24: Suffer in a Nice Way with Johnny Bananas

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Johnny Bananas help a caller plan an unforgettable birthday gift for her husband. Later, Jake and Gareth talk to someone who needs some advice with her babysitter.  Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com! Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

it's nice to play it live isn't it we have we have russian roulette at the intro we have fully russian roulette at the intro i never have fully Russian roulette at the intro. I never know what's in the chamber. Same with me. Now I'm tense. Now I'm tense. You're tense. We got a really fun episode for myself and Gareth. Somebody we're both big fans of.

We are big. And we have been big fans for a long time. And we discovered we were both fans of this person when I saw you on a MTV retrospective on The Challenge. With my friend Dan Callahan, yeah. Yeah, on The Challenge, which we've just both loved forever. So we have Johnny Bananas, who is a staple of those shows. And I got to say, Johnny comes onto this podcast

and just crushes it. It's a great one. Yeah, it's a load of fun. Johnny also talks some challenge stuff. So if you're a challenger, stay tuned. And if you're not, then I hope you just like this podcast. He also has a show that apparently is doing amazing called House of Villains on E! Thursday nights at 10.

I guess it's E!'s biggest show in about three years. And I'm not surprised because Bananas is television gold. Yes, which is why we love him. And he's podcast gold too, it turns out. And then he's opening a gym called Rumble in Boca, Florida. It's a boxing gym. It's a place to get cardio. So if you're in Boca, go visit Mr. Bananas.

And we have another call on this one that's really funny about a babysitter situation that takes a turn that I would say the Garf Man and I were both surprised by. I think it's really, what it is, is it's a testimonial for just never hiring outside help, I think is what it is. I think it's true for that. And so without further ado, are you ready with the without or you got more ado? I mean, just keep supporting us.

We love it. We feed off it. It's great. Follow us on all this stuff. If you have a problem, send it in. What do you mean by feed off it? Come on, Jake. Without further ado.

Hello. Hi, how are you? Welcome to the show. Hi, thank you. Can I get your name, please? My name is Kirby. Kirby. Kirby. Kirby, you are on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and probably the only person on television who I'm a fan of and have watched for over 18 years? Same. From the challenge, Mr. Johnny Bananas. Oh, my gosh.

Cool. Hi, guys. How are you doing? What's up, Kirby? Not much. I'm going to go out on a limb here, Kirby, and say you've never watched the challenge before. I have. A long, long, long time ago, yes.

Okay. Okay, good. Good. Good. We'll take it. Not your cup of tea anymore. Yeah, dip back in every now and then. Well, I kind of aged out.

I mean, now you're making fun of Gareth and I because we had shots of Jake and I. That's not okay, Kirby. No, you know what, Kirby? The better explanation is you hate the new generation. They're unwatchable, as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar called them. They are a throbbing scrum of fame-hungry

desperado. No! Johnny, I love that you remember the quote from Kareem it was my favorite quote ever other than him calling me an overgrown man child but yes then he said he hates the new generation because they are a throbbing scrum of fame hungry desperado hey oh my god in terms of an overgrown man child dear friend in every review of any project I've ever done, the critic has put that phrase in. Kirby, where are you from? I'm from Wilmington, North Carolina. North Carolina. Great. And around how old are you?

40. 40. So you have not aged out of the challenge, young lady. You're a child. We're the same age. You're a kid. I thought you were going to say 65 years old. Come on, Kirby. Get back over here. Well, I'm a West Carolina 40, not a California 40. I feel like there's a difference, right? All right, Kirby, what can we do to help you? You got three shooters. Okay, great.

So my husband is a big fan of survivalist shows, like Alone or Naked and Afraid. He will watch that every Sunday, even reruns. Great. And so he has a big birthday coming up, his 40th birthday. And I was wondering, is it a bad idea if for his birthday, I just ditched him out in the woods and let him have his own little survival-ish experience? Oh, I love this.

Wow. You are. Wow. Jake said you got three shooters. There's a fourth shooter. Holy shit. What are you even calling us for? You're just,

you're just calling us. We can give you the stamp of approval in case this guy disappears. Yeah. And never is found. You have accomplices. So you're not alone in this. Yeah, exactly.

I definitely need some backup and maybe how to execute such a thing because like have you seen blair witch project of course yes do it like theater kirby i gotta say i think this is the first time i have instantly fallen in love with a caller it's awesome the idea of your husband's birthday he's like are you gonna throw me a surprise party at the local bar and you go like this put your blindfolds on he's gonna go oh is this getting sexy and then you're gonna drop him off in the woods and go figure it out motherfucker now wait okay real quick now kirby do you think because i like those shows too same love those shows i love alone i'm one of my favorite things about watching naked and afraid

is having clothes on and being able to eat during that for sure um yeah so naked and afraid is having clothes on and being able to eat during that for sure um yeah so naked and afraid is a lot of fun naked and afraid is great when you're like oh man this guy's getting his dick pinched by like weird bugs and i'm sitting here with a blanket um do you think he's going to i mean it's a big swing and i love it and we're here to help you so we support your vision do you think he's going to be into this? It could go either way. Okay. Here's, here is the one hiccup. He said what he wanted to do for his birthday was go on a cruise. But guys, no, that's not going to happen.

Can I ask you a question, Kirby? Listen, let me tell you something. From me and someone from reality TV. Okay. It's all about regardless of how ridiculous the situation is and the moment and what people think of you in the moment, it's all about the story after. Okay. There's been so many times I've done things. I stole $275,000 from my partner on top of a mountain in Argentina, who probably deserved it to be stolen, but also deserve the money.

And you know what? I did it more than anything because I knew it was going to be stolen, but also deserve the money. And you know what? I did it more than anything. Cause I knew it was going to be good TV because I knew in five, 10 years, had I split the money, we wouldn't be talking about it. But if I took the 275, guess what? It's still talked about this day. It's one of the greatest moments on reality TV. So if you take your husband on a cruise,

how forgettable is that experience? Okay. That's splitting money. Okay. That's splitting money. If you take your husband out and here's how I think you should do it. All right. I don't know what vehicle we're going to take out there. It's gotta be some sort of off-road vehicle. You can really get out there. Okay. And you blindfold him, you get out, you're like, honey, strip down. I want to get naked. I'm, you know, this is going to be real. I'm gonna make this really special for you. So we're almost combining naked and afraid and this, he's going to think like, oh, I'm going to get lucky. It's my 40th birthday. Then you sneak on and he's blindfolded and naked. You get in whatever the

vehicle is and you just take off and leave them there. Say in 15 minutes, take your blindfold off and you'll see what's going to happen. And then he's stranded in the woods by himself. It's all right. Hold on. Johnny, you're jumping crazy town fast. We might end up there, but first I need to, just because I'm sitting with you, Johnny, and I see you on my computer screen and I watched the money steal from Sarah and I've seen all the clips and I agree. It's one of the greatest moments of the show. Kirby, I'm sorry, but I'm going to fan out here. After you took the money, when it'd all finishes she's crying on that mountaintop what happens after that in terms of production because like the moment and cut

everybody's freaking out well realistically the tv ends and you guys probably have to go to a hotel together was there a van right i've never felt more alone in my entire life than I did when I was standing there. TJ looked at me like a disappointed father. Okay. He didn't like it. He was so upset. Everyone on production. There was 70 maybe producers, like production, you know, production, camera people, whatever.

They all looked at me. I remember there was one of the producers. He had a clipboard because they were wondering what my move was going to be. He had a pen in his mouth. It was almost like one of those moments where like it was so quiet and the pen just fell out landed on his clipboard and at first i'm sitting i look around like yeah guys i knew you wanted me to do this this was the best moment they it was like they wanted me to do it but never thought i had it in me to do it the only person on that mountain that supported this move was my

cousin vince he kind of looked over and gave me like a wink and a nod of course but it was the loneliest dude the loneliest walk no one i just won just won the season and nobody wanted to talk to me nobody wanted to be around me yeah the most awkward bus ride back um so yeah kirby i'm gonna pull that back to you thank you for that bananas so here's what kirby here's what we're afraid of. The taking your husband in the woods, because I take these calls seriously as if it's real and you're really going to do it. There's two ways this happens. It's either going to end up great or you're going to be Bananas on the top of that mountain

and your husband's going to be TJ. There's no Cousin Vince. No, and there's no Cousin Vince, but your husband is now that producer and TJ Lavin, and you don't want him mad because one thing TJ hates is quitters. Exactly. Thank you, Jay. Exactly. But here's what I will say.

Like, I could give him an easy out. Give him a satellite phone. Say, hey, leave one thing. Be like, hey, I'm going to leave one thing with your cell phone. Or something so you'll be able to, or a GPS. Be like, listen, if this gets too much for you and you don't want to do it anymore, or there's going to be a box in front of you

when you take your blindfold off. That's the move. Yeah. Okay, so here's what I do. First of all, it's not naked. Second of all, you've got to do, there's got to be a hint, Kirby. I mean, look, the naked is incredible,

but he's not a naked and afraid fan. He's a survivalist fan. And I just don't want to get like charges on him. for yeah we haven't carved out an area of property where the police know hey come on it's kirby's husband's birthday they're gonna be like hey there's a naked guy out there just sucking leaves arrest this pervert agreed and if there's a family camping and your poor hungry husband walks up naked he's going to jail can. Can I have some of your honey? If I'm camping with my kids and a naked guy walks up to me, I'm not asking if he's a survivalist. You don't understand. It's my 40th birthday. And imagine if he comes across a group of hunters, they're just shooting his ass.

So we need to think about this. Now, Kirby, let me ask you a real question before we continue to dive deep. How real is this to you? If we come up with something, are you going to actually do it? Do you live by woods? Are you by woods anywhere? Is there something you could do like locally? There's campgrounds.

And I do know some people with like hunting property that I've been thinking about. That's huge. Okay. That's big. Well, we have to put them in an orange jacket then. Yep. Yeah. We have to leave. And That's huge. Okay. That's big. Well, we're going to have to put him in an orange jacket then. Yep. Part of his survival kit has to be an orange jacket, just so we don't

But also, you could, if you talk to the people I would say no to the antlers. We're going to douse him with deer pee also before he Okay, Jake, you'll pick up in a second but what we're saying is cover him in fur, get him an antlered hat,

and maybe some sort of snouty, like a snout scarf. Go ahead, Jake, pick it up. I would say that's not what we're pitching here. We're not pitching the same thing. Go ahead, Jake. Yeah, I think we're saying different things here, Kirby. I would say we don't want him to look like an animal on hunting grounds unless you're looking to get rid of your house.

Yeah, yeah. I got to pitch Kirby, and because it's a bold one and you can't really force a man into a survivalist moment, because I do think you might have that situation that Johnny had on top of that mountain. And there is a chance that leads to divorce, but here's what you can do. You could talk to the person who owns the hunting property and see if you could rent 24 hours on a random time from start to finish where nobody's hunting. Then if they say yes to that, you could find an area where he starts and you could see that there is a chance he could catch something. If he's a lone type guy, he could bring a fucking bow and an arrow or

whatever he wants to do. And then you could either do 24 or 48 hours and you could present it to him about a month before his birthday in a card with an offer. And do you accept this challenge that you have set up? You have an option A or B on the backside of the card is, or a boring ass cruise, you 70 year old retiree maniac. Or are you a 40 year old survivalist whose wife is never going to be more turned on when you come out of those goddamn woods, holding a deer by its goddamn ass. Feces smeared on your face so that the hunters can't find you.

You got it. Kirby, you got to give him the option to say yes, but it's your job to plan it. Bananas, Gareth, am I right? Where are you guys at?

Yeah. I love it. I love it too, but I don't think she should tell him what it, I don't think she should be like, Hey, do you want the, have you seen the movie? The game? Yes. Yeah. Okay. I think we're like a game situation. Like this could, this is going to be the coolest experience of your life,

but I'm not going to tell you what it is. So you're either going to take the red pill where you're going to see how far Alice in Wonderland's hole goes, or you're going to, you know, take the blue pill and everything's going to be normal and you're going to go on a cruise. I hope he's a red pill guy. Don't tell me exactly what it is. I like all of it. I think that's a good wrinkle.

Does he have any survival experience or is he just a guy from the couch? No, he's just a fat guy with asthma, Gareth. Okay. I have been giving him survival tools slowly just for him to play with it. So you could potentially do like some sort of a scavenger hunt. You could have like a scavenger hunt type thing too, where it's like, okay,

you have this first box in front of you and also like an escape room situation where then he opens a box and it's like, all right, here's your first one. You know, and you know, if your next thing you have to hike or you have to do something, dig something, build a hut, whatever. And then you're essentially creating a finale in the challenge. Exactly. That's basically what I'd pick.

Listen, for dinner, you're going to give him two options. Okay? You're going to give him cow brains or cow balls, and he has to eat one of the two. Or both if he's a man of many tastes. What are you thinking here, pal? I would add in the scab. The thing that I would – I'm just thinking if someone dropped me off in the woods, I'd be like, pal? I would add in the scab. The thing that I would,

I'm just thinking if someone dropped me off in the woods, I'd be like, how do I eat? How do I get warm? So water is important to me. You're not a survivalist. You're not a survivalist. I'm not. I'm a guy on my couch who's having a 40th birthday

who wanted to go on a cruise. That's who I am. Okay. So this is what I would suggest. Fair. You can lay out around this property if you do arrange this properly there's a fire starter there's something he can cook it's a little how bear grills does like some of his stuff where he's like oh suddenly i found a caucus well i can

eat the piss out of it you know whatever it is yep i would stash some water just things that make it so that it is a faux. It's still not going to be a picnic, you know, but we do have to think about a sleeping bag, some idea for some sort of like shelter if we're doing overnight, a way to start a little bit of a fire, stuff like that. So I would just build in that component of, and on Naked and Afraid, they give you a little map. They're like, this is where you have to give you a bag, three things you could bring. But hold on. could bring but hold on but do we want him i was almost leaving me a scavenger hunt don't we just want him to be in a a certain space like don't leave this space you have to survive or do we actually want him to navigate his way out of this situation kirby what's the answer on that

do you want him to escape out of it or do you want him to stay in one spot and survive it? I want him to like kind of suffer a little bit. Yeah. I guess. So I kind of, I kind of want him to stay in one spot. I wish I Kirby, I wish you could have seen Jake's face process. What you just said.

Shocking. It rocked him. It rocked him. It really did rock him. Your husband's 40th. In a nice way. No, that Kirby,

you can't suffer in a nice way you can't spin bullshit i want to waterboard him with cotton candy i really thought what you were going to say is something gentle you said i want him to suffer okay but you guys don't understand he watches these shows all the time and it's like they were the attitude of oh i could do that i can do that yeah i can do that but here's one mosquito bite and he's like crying and it's like, they were the attitude of, oh, I can do that. I can do that. Yeah, I can do that. But here's the thing. He's on one mosquito bite and he's like crying. Let me ask you a question. Why is this a turn on?

Is this hunting, are these hunting grounds? Is there like a main cabin or a main lodge or something? Yeah, they have like a little like shed building. Oh, a shed building. I was just wondering, I'm trying to think. So it's not like, it's not like the Dutton Ranch on Yellowstone Because I'm thinking like maybe at the end Maybe the end is he's been surviving

For 24 hours then he shows up There's like rose petals and then you're just like laying there Oh that's fun So Kirby So from what I'm kind of gathering From you is You're a little sick of his bragging And you're a little Sick of him andgging. You're a little sick of him.

And I get it. I've watched those shows, and when they first started and I was younger, I used to think I could do them. Gareth, Steve Bergen and I used to talk about doing a 24-hour thing together, which obviously we never did. Whenever I watch Naked and Afraid, I always thought about how funny it would be

for my survival item to be my clothes. Go ahead, Jake. So, Kirby, here's what I'm hearing. You want him to do on his 40th birthday to be tested. We're kind of pitching this idea of a scavenger hunt, but I don't know if you're interested in him leaving as opposed to just seeing what 48 hours in one spot could do. So you got to take the lead here because we're pitching you. Do you want him to leave an area or do you want him to be on this hunting ground? You create a little zone. I think Garf is totally right. You need to leave a fire starter. You got to give him a little bag. You got to get him the option to have some stuff, but where do you want to take

this? I kind of like the idea of ending up somewhere like yeah okay or something okay i like that or you could set up like a really cool like a yurt style little situation so he rolls up so you're not so now you're glamping i like this i like this you're going yeah yeah yeah yes i think yes you give him an afternoon of surviving and then a night and then some afternoon delight yeah you know i would do it longer than than that. I would do a little yurt situation like Banana said. I think that's dead right. I would put him in this hunting ground. I would rent out some space, but I would make him do an overnight in a shelter that he has

created on his own. And I would have a little map that he could slowly get to. So he does suffer. But then the next night when he finds you, you have his favorite food. You've got everything he wants. You've got a cooler of cold beer. And that night you celebrate the 40th in a fun way.

And you then let him brag about how great he did for the last 35 hours. I like that a lot. And make sure there's like a bucket with water and do a real tick expense. Like really look for ticks. Oh yeah. Yeah.

But Kirby, is this something you think you might do? Yeah, absolutely. I think it's a better story. Like I said, the cruise is, this is something you guys are going to be able to talk about. And here's what I think. The gnarlier it is, the better the story is going to be. Like, again, to go back to, like, you know,

the show that I do on The Challenge, I've done 22 seasons of The Challenge. The one that is talked about the most was a show called The Island where we had to survive and starve on an island for 30 days. Great season.

And all of the seasons that have ever been on that is still within the cast is still the most talked about one, even though it was the most miserable

because it was so different and it was so memorable. So I'm just saying from I'm a story. I like I like stories. I like experiences. And I just think that is'm a story i like i like stories i like experiences and i just think that is a it's not like you're taking this guy it's not like he's somebody that hates survival and watches these shows like oh my god i could never do that i can't be outside

without whatever bear spray fully clothed without my cell phone like the fact that he is like wants survival you know wants to test himself and wants this it It's like, I think it's, you know, you're not completely putting him in a position where he's going to be screwed. Well, until night two, then he'll get real screwed. Yeah. Yeah. And it's all over. But Kirby, do you think you're going to do a nice hard push, challenge him a little bit

and take Johnny's advice and make it extra hard for him? Is this something you're going to try and maybe give him the red pill, blue pill option beforehand where you say, I'm not going to tell you the details, but I could either book a cruise or I could give you a really intense adventure that's going to push you. What do you want? Is that something you might try? I think what I'm just going to do is just say, I got a surprise for you and like, just take them out there and just no option. I like that. And like, just take them out there and just. No option. I like that. And really,

Kirby's sticking to the old yeller version. He's going out back whether he likes it or not. She's whipping this guy into shape. This calls really more about we're helping her

toughen her husband up. It feels like it's Kirby's birthday. Yeah, it is. This is her day. I just want to date to myself, honestly. Johnny, you're the best.

Kirby. Truly. I think we gave you some solid advice uh we really hope you take it if you do will you follow up with us please can we get your husband can you guys both come on after the birthday and talk about how assuming he makes it absolutely yes yes for sure thank you for this call we really thank you so much guys it was so nice talking to you thank Thank you, John. Thanks, Kirby. Today's episode

is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-back backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor.

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It's like, how do you order food? How do you get a drink? How do you ask for directions? So Babbel's great. Now listen. Listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Wait, one quick pause. Should? But so Babbel's great. Now, listen, listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Right.

One quick pause. Should we bring in the close? Studies from Yale. This is interesting. Michigan State University and others prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light.

Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college, and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes.

That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer, or should I do it? Closer. All right. Hold on. Let's get him. Kevin? Door language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer. All right, hold on. Let's get him. Kevin? Door's open.

All right. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. What? I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. We can't leave.

Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time

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Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash hth. We're going to want you to babble. We want you to babble. I'll tell you what, I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. I have fun.

This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close you use that doc yeah you would use that doc because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to

find someone and then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Yeah. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on.

Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? What a jerk.

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Hi. Good day to you. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Good day to you. Jake, we're in the middle of the intro. Back off. We are here to help for Can I get your name, rough age, and where you're calling from please sure i'm

gonna go with kelly um and i am 34 and i live in the tri-state area outside of new york city all right good day to you kelly and a good day to you from jake as well we both wish you good days um kelly quote unquote what can we help you with? Talk us through it. What are you doing, Garth? I'm rusty. You did the last couple. I'm rusty, man. Quote unquote. Well, Kelly, it's a suited.

I'm lost. I'm lost, baby. I'm lost. You know what happened here, Kelly? Gareth always does our intros, but I did the last two callers and it threw him off. Oh, it's just been chaos. We're back. Here we go. Hey, Kelly!

34, Tri-State area. I love Tri-State. I have an idea. Gar, if you want to, let's just run the beginning again. Let's just see what happens. Great. Hey, welcome to We're Here to Help. Can I get your name, Kelly? You're age 34 in Tri-State area. Where are you calling from? Quote-unquote, what can we do to help you, Kelly? Quote-unquote and action, Kelly, you're age 34 in Tri-State area where you're calling from. Go ahead, Jay. And quote, unquote, what can we do to help you, Kelly?

Quote, unquote, and action. Kelly, go for it. Good day to you. Good day to us. Hello. Hi. How are you? Okay.

So I have a little bit of a quandary with our babysitter. So about a month ago, three weeks ago, my parents were in town, and we had been trying to schedule a time to go out to dinner. And so the babysitter actually reached out to us and said, oh, I'm available on a Friday night. Happy to come and babysit. So I was like, great, this is going to work out great. So my parents, my husband and I, we go out to town and go out to dinner and we come home and she's waiting for her ride home. She's also 17 in high school. And as we're chatting with her,

I look at our coffee table and there is a used condom on the coffee table. She was happy to come. Or at least he was. Oh yeah. Wait, hold on. When you say on the counter, Kelly, what are you talking here? Like on the coffee table, like in the middle of our living room. So you mean the wrapper or the condom?

No, no. The actual condom. What the fuck? And this this is a for sure used prophylactic. One hundred percent. It's unraveled like fully. Yes. Sitting there.

This is disgusting. My parents are in the room. My husband's in the room and I'm staring at this. Like try, like I am, I'm frozen. I don't know what to do. I would be shocked. It was crazy. So her ride comes, is it a guy who's sweating? Who's pretending he just saw her for the first time?

Oh, Hey, I think she, I actually think she took an Uber home that night. Her parents usually take her home, but an Uber came for her. Was the Uber driver like 17 years old, smoking and sweating? Five stars, please. No, no, no. Okay, an actual Uber driver. Okay. Yeah, so I turn around and it's gone.

And I'm like, am I imagining things? Like, what is going on? And I'm like, am I imagining things? Like what is going on? And I'm like, hello, did anyone else in this room see this? And my parents and my husband are like, no, we didn't. And I was like, they're like, are you sure? I was like, yeah, I'm sure. I know what a used condom looks like. Okay. Hold on. I got it. Kelly. I got to interrupt. This call might go in two ways. One, your babysitter is a real creep and fucking at your house and leaving a condom gross you gotta figure that out two you're having a mental breakdown you're in the middle of a horror film you're in the middle of a horror film and you're starting to see stuff yeah both calls are good for the show one is good for you one is good for you actually none are good

for you none are good for me. Well, remember she's, she's in high school. So this is probably like the beginnings of her exploration. So I think like she was just being a little teenage risky. Right. So I'm like, I have to confront her about this. Cause I'm like, we can't have her back in our house. Right. Okay. So I text her, I know she's on her way home. And I say, I'm reading the text message. I say, hi, I know this. I'm very uncomfortable even asking this, but did you have someone over the house tonight? Cause again, teenager benefit of the doubt. I like how you're handling this guy. I also don't want to be accusatory. Cause like, who knows? Okay. You're being a, you're being an adult is what you're

being. Yeah. So get in like a teenage mindset. And I'm not joking you. This is her response. I'm reading word for word. Oh God, no. I'm sorry about that. It's a Ziploc bag of mucus. I left it out on the table and forgot to throw it out. I didn't want to explain that to you because it was so disgusting that I let it busted there.

I totally know what you think it was. I would not bring anyone into the house without your permission. I'm not sick. It just has to do with my allergies. Is this your first time lying? I know. I mean, I worked in high school, so I have been around many a teenager. She lost two virginities that night.

I also gave her a lot of room to fake lie or half lie or whatever. Okay, so then I was fine. You gave her the leash to go like, no, nobody was. Why? You're crazy. You gave her the runway to gaslight you. Or also just say, yeah, my boyfriend was over. I'm sorry if that was a problem.

It won't happen again. No, it's a new kind of Ziploc. It looks like a balloon, but it's got ribs on it. Listen, I don't know what you mean. Sometimes I spit in those things. I save it. It's a DNA test. I have to go to the hospital.

Everyone I love is dead. You didn't see anything. Your eyeballs are gone. Everybody I love is dead. As my friend said, there's no problem. There's no amount of mucus I've ever had that a Kleenex hasn't solved for me. So I don't know why we need bags to be brought into this. I'm going to blow my nose in this Ziploc bag.

Also, mucus can't make babies. Yeah. So Kelly, how did you respond? Okay, so I respond and I go, you're right. I'm pretty certain I saw a condom on the table and we wouldn't want anyone in the house when you're not here and she goes I completely understand I would never I respect you guys and your family too much to do something like that it would be very inappropriate I would never have someone in your house with your kids without your consent so that's where we left

it and so she basically like is fully leaning into this. Like I did anything wrong. She has to. Yeah. Like she's, this is the life she's now chosen. Yeah. Let's see this from her point of view.

She is in a living nightmare. Oh, and you're not helping by calling a podcast, by the way, Kelly, you kept it. You've kept it vague. You've kept it vague.

So now she texted us and she said hey i'd love to babysit again and i'm like there's no way she's ever coming in my house again but i need to know like how how am i supposed to move forward from this like i'm not going to go into like a lying contest with a 17 year old interesting so how old are how old are your kids, by the way? Three-year-old twins. Boys or girls? One of each. What time did you come home? Like 10.30.

We also have the easiest babysitting job ever. Like we get the kids ready for bed. They watch TV for half an hour. And she's like just chilling here. Well, she's doing more than chilling. She's drilling. And the other thing that makes me uncomfortable is like, has she done this before? Like just was responsible with her condoms like what what is her what is just just to get into

the headspace of touch like what were you either put it in your pocket dig it deep in the trap like gareth i'll tell you what happened she has been using your house as a hump shack and she's got some boyfriend, but they can't leave her house or his house. So part of being a babysitter is she has free reign and Jared or whatever his name is, is like, we'll go back to that great house. And they're in this routine. What happened this week was they just ran out of time. Guess what? After the ninth time of having sex, he has a little bit more stamina.

No, she thought this was going to be done. But Jake, it had the quote unquote mucus in the quote unquote Ziploc. Because he didn't fit it. If they got home at 1030, Jared finished at 1024. They had to clean up. He had to run out the back door. But then, okay, so then what's your plan? I'm going to hold the condom.

I'm going to put it on the table. I'll come back to the evidence jared did it jared okay she didn't take the condom off he goes like she's like oh my god she's cleaning up the couch and she's like oh my god it's a little sweaty it's a little moist she's cleaning everything up and he goes like i took care of the condom i'm going to get Wendy's. And he's gone. How did he get on the table, though? He put it there. He's a 17-year-old boy with a napkin. Because he's an animal, Kelly. Listen, because I'll tell you why.

Because as guys, afterwards, you got 10 minutes of not thinking straight. And he was in that bubble. So 100% we're in agreement. She shouldn't be your babysitter anymore. No, he shouldn't. Definitely not. He should be. And I got to say the reason for me it's 100% is the lie.

I agree. I mean, no, I think even if he had told the truth, there's no way she's coming back into my head. Like that's a big break of trust. That's crazy. There's nothing you can do to come back from this it's crazy yeah so the question the question is now can you or how do you handle her saying can i come back to your place and jared's willing to pay he'll pay so you guys don't even have to pay for a babysitter he'll rent your couch out he's like i can give you like eight bucks an hour or like i can mow your lawn. I just would love to be with my girlfriend because I literally love her.

She's like, I like him in love with her and we can't bone anywhere unless you go out with your parents. Don't worry, we'll be safe. I'll put a Ziploc over my mucus. So here's what I say you do. I'm ready to pitch. Go. I think you go clean and you just write back, thanks so much. We'll let you know.

But then how is that going to stop her from being like, are you ready yet? Or like anything like that? I got an idea, Kelly. Go ahead. You write back to her this. Still considering, comma, we were very surprised for what we saw on the pet cam. I think she knows we don't have pets, but I think she knows we don't have cameras. I like it.

I over-promised, under-delivered. Gareth, you're back. I like where your head's at. First of all, let's just say I think you can very easily get away with, unfortunately, I can't shake what I saw. We appreciate everything you've done, but it's not going to happen again. We've moved on. We've filled the position.

Or if you want to go Jake's route, you did talk to the neighbors, and the neighbors did see someone come over to the house that night, thus undercutting the rest of the Ziploc fibbery. Garf, here's why I think Kelly wants to go in this direction. Because whenever we've hinted at just like let it go, she's pushing. Kelly, I got to say, from even your text exchanges, is it fair to say you're a tad confrontational? I've dabbled in confrontation, yes. Yeah, it's not a bad thing. There's no insult there, but some people are, some people aren't.

Some people would go like, this is a nightmare. We just blow it off. I block her on my phone. You're somebody who doesn't like bullshit laying under the rug, right? You want to clean up the rug, lift the rug, clean it up. Or condoms on the table. the rug, right? You want to clean up the rug, lift the rug, clean it up. So I think what you would like this to end is this kid to know the reason you are not having her back is she had sex in your house and left a rubber. And I don't think you're going to be satisfied until you get

that answer. Am I out of line here? Totally. Right. And I also want to make sure the door is like firmly closed. Like I don't want any confusion. Don't, don't talk to me again. What we need to do is we need to set a rat trap and we need to catch the rat and get it out of your house. Am I out of line here, Garth? I mean, I believe you are talking about the re-invite. Oh my God. Are you talking about that? I don't know what I'm talking.

Well, you need to have a pitch attached to it because, listen. So I think what you do is, I think you call her. I think you have this call on the phone so that you can really hear the bullshit come out of her mouth. So that you and her both know that this is bullshit. Gareth, I'll be the kid. You be- All right. Okay. Hey, Sandy. Hey, it's Kelly. Yeah. Are you available? I'm willing to go this Friday. I can babysit or Saturday. Yeah. Well, before we even had you back, I wanted to ask you something. I know you'd said in your text that what I saw on the counter was not what I saw. What I saw was a used condom.

And again, I'm 40 years old, so I know what a used condom is. You were telling me that it was a, what was it again? Also, Kelly, how did you feel by him aging you by six years there? Yeah, thanks so much. I feel great about it. Okay, go ahead. Oh, 34, sorry. Back to the game.

All right, all right, all right. Hey, it's me, Kelly.lly uh listen i'm you know uh listen i'm a woman who's in her late 20s at least i look like i'm in my mid-20s i'm a little older than that i'm sure you're as stunned as we all are but i can't believe your figures amazing it's been unbelievable thank you reebok if they're still a company um i just want to clear the air a little bit because i feel like what my point about my age, which, again, I look fantastic for, is that I've seen a used condom before. Right. What I saw on the counter in the kitchen table that day was a used condom.

No. What did you say it was? I'm so embarrassed by that. It was a mucus bag because of my allergies. So I get really bad seasonal allergies and I need a mucus bag. And I totally, totally understand why you see that. A lot of people have said that to me it's really funny they've said like i've just i've been googling i've been googling mucus bag and like nothing i've never heard of it uh well and there's another thing there's another thing i should tell you and this has nothing to

do with you because we up until this point completely trusted you. But one of the kids stuffed animals that we have in the house actually has a little camera in it. We never use it. I thought to my boyfriend and I'm so embarrassed. Please don't tell my parents. Don't tell me. You're never coming back. So Kelly, I think what we got to in the end there was I think she's going to wiggle out of a confession. but I think if you just, and I would do it over the text, I would potentially just say, I'm having some concerns about what we've seen on the nanny cam, comma, and not exactly ready or feeling comfortable with you guys coming back to babysit. All the best. I like it. I would phone call her. That's the only difference.

Kelly, where are you at? I think I like the text of, we know what we saw. You don't have to contact us ever again. Just put it out there. I don't need to go into a... I don't need to go into what we both know happened. Right. Also, one of my daughter has hay fever. Can you send me a link to these mucus bags?

Kelly, is this a text you think you're actually going to send? I've kind of ghosted her. She texted us like over a week ago and I've kind of ghosted her for a little bit. So I know that I could also just block her, I guess. But no, I really feel like if she does reach out again, I got to I got to shut it down. So the move is for now you're going to do nothing. But if she reaches out again, can we put together a text in your phone that you don't send, but it's just sitting there?

I'm ready. Okay. Do you want to, let's put it in your words, not ours, Kelly. Okay. But will you, as you're typing it, say it out loud so we can all kind of hear it? Sure. Hi, so-and-so. Thanks for reaching out.

We are still uncomfortable with what we saw. Wait, hold on. Saw, you're just talking about the condom? Or are you going to make up a lie about the camera? You're just going to go with Saw? It's a dealer's choice. Just curious. I think it's Saw.

I think we can leave it open. Respect. Respect. Yeah. Because she could say say you mean my mucus bag i'm just saying it might lead to a follow-up it might lead to a follow-up i mean honestly i'm not really cool with a babysitter who leaves mucus bags either you know like fair okay so then so we we're not comfortable what we saw period this point, we have moved on and found another sitter. Fair.

I wouldn't put us down for any references in the future. Yes. No reason to get in. I like that. Really? You guys are a little bit meaner. This is a 17-year-old kid. Jake, she bathed in their house and said the used condom was a mucus bag.

Let's go, baby. I like that. I like that. I like that. All right, Kelly. So will you read us in closing the text one more time? And I'm going to try to hear it as a 17-year-old girl who got caught in a really embarrassing lie. Hi, so-and-so. Thank you for reaching out, but we are still uncomfortable with what we saw.

At this point, we have moved on and found another sitter. Please do not put us down for a reference in the future. That's it. Ouchie. That's a closed door. That is a closed door. Yeah, that's a slam door. I'm telling you, if I'm her, I write back because I'm panicking.

I write back. You didn't see anything. You didn't see anything, but like, okay. But like, I really love your kids, but okay. And then at that point, don't write back again. If that happens, Kelly, call back in. We'll do a follow-up session with the next month. That's fair.

Kelly, will you call us back if she responds to that? I will. I will, for sure. All right. Good luck to you. And also, if you need a babysitter and I'm in the Tri-State neighborhood, my wife and I will come. That'd be great.

And I'll leave mucus bags everywhere jake's been married for a while they don't use mucus bags i'll tell you what's even sadder i'll leave mucus bag singular maybe not if they're even mucus in this bag and i'll go like a lot hold it up to the light just as much much as that disgusting teenager. It looked different. Shut up. Shut up. I've been through some shit, Kelly. I'm going through a depression.

I'm pretty down. Kelly, thank you for the call. We appreciate you. Thank you, guys. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke.

You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on our show, please email us at helpfulpod at gmail.com. That was a hate gum podcast.