We're Here to Help - 242: The First Annual Helpies

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

Live from Los Angeles, it's the first-ever "Helpies!" Hosted by Jake and Gareth, the show features appearances from some of the best callers in We're Here to Help history.See images from the ...episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-242Want to call in? Email your question to helpfulpod@gmail.com.PATREON: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, we're heredos. The Steve Berg-2020 calendar is here. Well, almost. It will be available for order on December 3rd at 12 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. We are doing a limited run of 500 calendars, so get yours while you can. All orders will ship December 9th, just in time for the holidays. Visit www.com.com to order. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, we're here to help, help, we're here to help, help, we're here to help us. Gareth, where are you at? We're finishing off another year of the show. We are about to enter year three. yes and we're going to have an announcement soon about it we're talking to headgum we're coming back we're not taking the weird break we took after the first one yep we've been really happy with rabbit grin it's all kind of working right now we're doing a big ending this year to celebrate season one and two overall we're at big daddy i think we're this is our best year like you said i think we really you know it is the calls rabbit grin puts us in a great position we are now going to start the official helpies first annual first annual where every winner i don't know if this has been
Starting point is 00:01:35 announced they're getting a calendar yeah so the winners of the helpies today we'll get a calendar sent to them um we've sold so many of these goddamn calendars i mean it's it feels like we're going to run out it's crazy yeah yeah it feels like it makes no sense no no no it's crazy is a professional model. And so, Natalie, what do we do? You guys are going to listen to the nominations. So we are going to start with our best international caller. Best international caller. It's a good order. That's a good starter. Oh, and how many, did we get a lot of votes on we need to pick? Did people actually vote? Really? Yeah. Good job, everybody. Thank you. Thousands of votes. Thousands of votes. Good job,
Starting point is 00:02:21 everybody. It's exciting. So this is our best international call. Okay. Are we ready to announce the nominally? Let's give it a shot. That's the spirit. And the nominees for Best International Call are from the United Kingdom. Roli, who was accosted by an old woman on his morning walk. Yeah, the first one I thought I missed heard until it happened so many times and this became a theme. And so I was walking past her and I smiled at her.
Starting point is 00:02:53 Excellent. And she said, shit on me. From India, Hardik, whose neighbors stole his parking spot. I might actually hire some people to pick up this B-1 guy. Quickly, Hardick, if you film it, send it to us, and we'll put that theme song under it. Okay. The Fresh Maker. From Iceland, Margaret, who needed to pick an accent.
Starting point is 00:03:23 Hi, I'm Margaret. Hi, I'm Gareth from Bumble. Hi, how far do your legs go? What's the question? My legs go from my ankles to my ears, yeah? It's perfect. Well, first. Question to everybody really fast.
Starting point is 00:03:43 What did you guys think of that with Eric reading it, the sound effects? Who did the sound effects on that? The clapping and the music? Your editor, Chris. He did a great job. And he picked those clips? No, that was Jesse. Jesse.
Starting point is 00:03:56 Great picks. Also, Eric's voice. It's perfect. God, he's good. So now we get to who wins? Well, I would like to know who you think wins. I think Raleigh from, I think they shit on me, lady. I think that one.
Starting point is 00:04:10 Oh, you do? Yeah, that was such a saga. Yes, it was. And I can't remember the exact resolve, but it like, we got, I think we helped, sort of. I think Margaret. I asked a great call. Do you know? I do know.
Starting point is 00:04:24 Do you know? I do you think. I'm a Margaret. Yeah. I think it's too good. Is it time to announce the winner? But you've got to do the whole like, oh yeah. Let's see.
Starting point is 00:04:35 This is my sweet spot. And the winner is. I can never get these things open. Moonlight. Oh, no. Raleigh. Raleigh, UK, Raleigh. The shit on me, woman.
Starting point is 00:04:51 And we have Raleigh joining. And by the way, great call. I'm happy he won, too. Yeah, he's great. So, Raleigh, are you here? I can see you. So, congratulations. You've won Best International Call
Starting point is 00:05:09 at the first annual helpies. Really? That's crazy. I did not expect that. Yes, it's crazy, but it's not any crazier than when Blockbuster did an award show. They did the Blockbuster Awards. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:24 Spike did one. Spike did. I was at the Spike one with Damon Wayne's Jr. It was the dumbest men's choice awards. The men's choice awards. So stupid. But this isn't any more stupid than the spike. What our point is that this is as dumb as the other dumb ones.
Starting point is 00:05:40 So therefore, this matters as much as that. Sir, how does the feel to win the first award? Yeah. I would so much rather have this than men's choice. Was it Blockbuster? I did an award show for all. And everybody in Hollywood took it seriously. They're all wearing gowns.
Starting point is 00:05:57 Gowns and tuxedos to go to the Blockbuster Award. The first Oscars must have been, people must have been like, what is? They must have thought of it. They're like, this will never work. And now people are like, I've spent my life trying to get this award. So more about you. What's going on with the story here? What's going on with that old lady?
Starting point is 00:06:15 Where are you at? What's the latest? I've spent in Italy for the month. So I haven't seen her in a little while. but the word got around about how she was around me and now we've got a few neighbors who whenever I bump into them ask for an update and it's yeah it's pretty much how I'm known
Starting point is 00:06:35 I say around where I live. Did it spread in your neighborhood? Really, it seems like you don't like that being known as that person. I sure don't know. No, it's not my favorite association. But you know, it's better than nothing. Yeah, it's a look, baby. So how did it spread in your neighborhood?
Starting point is 00:06:57 Well, my friends found out about it. I hadn't told them much about it, but as soon as they found out, it was like wildfire, and now there's a good few neighbors who, who, they wouldn't know my name, probably don't know what house I live in, but whenever they see me,
Starting point is 00:07:12 they come and ask what she said. Is she still saying stuff to you, Roli? She is, yeah. Like, there was a gap where I didn't see her for a while, but yeah no she came back strong she came back swinging what was the uh last thing she said to you sir oh it it's honestly it's very repressive i think i told you it's pretty much the general line of inquiry but it's it's yeah uh like you know what she's what she's planning to do with me you know after seeing you i get it yeah yeah first time was audio only now i'm thinking of the
Starting point is 00:07:48 things i would do to you we'd all love to be shit on by roly Are we doing this weird laugh the whole show? I think it's nice. I don't. Let's just go back to Garrett. You're done reading these because this brings out the monologue and it brings out this guy. No. Yes.
Starting point is 00:08:05 No, Jake. There's no studio audience. Jake. They don't count. They work for the show. I'm playing to them. The audience at home. Well, if it counts, I love it.
Starting point is 00:08:15 It makes me feel like I'm at the Oscar. That's what he's trying to do. Is there anyone you'd like to thank in your acceptance? Again, you've won the first. The first award of the first help. Yeah, is there anyone you'd like to thank? Huge honor. Just like the Oscars, I imagine my name will be that first one on the list that everyone looks back to.
Starting point is 00:08:35 And of course I have to, I have to thank that old lady. I don't know a name. You know, I don't know much about her except for, you know, what she likes to do in her private time. But yeah, she's brought with you guys, so that's a treat. Might be nice in 2026 maybe for Roley to take us on one of the the walk, so maybe we could hear the woman live and we could say something to her on behalf of the show. Maybe we'll do that. Yeah. Well, listen, enjoy. Enjoy Italy. Enjoy Italy, Roley. Hopefully, thank you so much, guys. Great to see you. We will be sending you a Steve Berg-Hunk calendar
Starting point is 00:09:09 as that's the trophy. It's the ultimate trophy. So would you want it in Italy or do you want it back in England? I'll be back in England in a couple of days. So that would be great. Oh, look at that. It looks amazing. Yeah. You know what we should do on each one? We should write. Yeah, they should sign it. We should sign it and then say, Oh, I'd love that.
Starting point is 00:09:28 That would be great. Yeah, okay. Well, enjoy the photos. That's a treat. Thank you very much. You know what we're going to do? We're going to send you two and give one to the old lady. Oh.
Starting point is 00:09:39 Yeah. Next time she goes like, I want a shit on your face going like this. Look at this. Shit on this guy. Look at this. There you go. What do you think of December? We're going to send you two.
Starting point is 00:09:51 One for her. Thank you very welcome. All right, Raleigh. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Have a great day. Bye. Wonderful, warm feeling.
Starting point is 00:10:01 Yeah, that's exciting. The helpies is about warmth. Yes. And reflection. And reflection. Reflection and warmth. Are you guys ready for the next category? Yes.
Starting point is 00:10:11 Okay, next category. All right. And the nominees for Best Sports Call on. Alex and Jack, who disagreed about their PFF rank. Because I don't think I'm the best. Right. If you're going to show up and play floor hockey and, like, be mediocre. Like, don't pretend that you're the best.
Starting point is 00:10:33 Aaron and Sophie, who sang for their season tickets. So I've been in the waiting list for season tickets for forever. We finally got them this year. And my partner at the time went in on it with me to buy them. And then about a month ago, we broke up. Taylor and Brian. who competed in our first annual Pickle and Chip classic. You versus Taylor at Pickleball, what do you think is going to happen?
Starting point is 00:11:01 I will annihilate him. Have you ever played pickleball? Brian? That's back. Jesse, wonderful tips. Great. What do you? I know which one we don't think it is.
Starting point is 00:11:20 I agree. It's not the tickets. Not the tickets. And I'll tell you why, it's a great call. The saga ended up working. Yeah, but it was a lot. That first call was a little bizarre. The relationship was heavy.
Starting point is 00:11:31 We got there with them. One of them didn't join. Yes. Who do you think? It's got to be pickle. The floor hockey one was, I mean, but the floor was a great one changed the game for the show. And that really was.
Starting point is 00:11:44 Excellent. A great. It was perfect. And we really. Perfect. It was quite a, it probably. had a more dramatic ending for sure so maybe that i gotta say that one was you know i got to say sometimes the show and i don't know i've got a question for the producers what are you when we have a guest
Starting point is 00:12:04 how much time do you put in to picking the call that it might work i was re-listened to the one which's aaron today with dakota fanon and the alarm thing happened to work for her are you guys thinking oh yeah this could really work for her for some reason or is it just sometimes blind luck Yeah, I knew she did that with her alarm. You did? No. I just became a friend, huh? Jesus Christ!
Starting point is 00:12:31 Whoa! Very clearly it was revealed why he's one of my oldest friends. What? Are you serious? Oh, my God! You guys knew they served Vilvania? Oh my God. Oh, my God, I'm going to do marinerette here.
Starting point is 00:12:47 Okay, serious answer. Jesse and I spend a lot. lot of time on picking colors because it is the most important part of the show i totally agree it's everything and jesse does a lot of work so i'd like to shout out jesse shout out i mean you're shouting him out after we are so it's not like uh you know it's not a traditional shout out you're so all the time all the time all the time is it from you to someone else it's i'm happy for jessie but if he is not the center he gets so mad my god now look how happy he is I'm not.
Starting point is 00:13:22 This is the worst kind. Did you see that smile? He's like, are you pleased with this? He's like, now it's on me again. Oh, my lord. You get Morgan in the room.
Starting point is 00:13:30 It just activates negatively. In my direction. But so that's what you guys do, because a lot of these, when you go to the Katie Nolan one, that one was perfect. Perfect. I mean, we also get lucky sometimes,
Starting point is 00:13:41 obviously, but we do our best. Yeah. All right. So you're predicting floor hockey. Yeah. Okay. You're predicting pickleball? I think.
Starting point is 00:13:51 By a hair. The winner, for the best sports call, the first ever goes to Taylor and Brian. Wow. It did pull through. And they're joining on Zoom. Hey, Brian. Yes, sir. I want to tell you something here, Big Daddy.
Starting point is 00:14:17 you lost at pickleball that day. You know that, right? Yes. But you won today. Best sports call of the year. We're sending you a goddamn calendar, and we're not sending one to Taylor. Well, I don't know about that.
Starting point is 00:14:37 He's not on the call, Brian, you won't. We'll probably still send it to him. We got a bunch of us. I don't think that's right. He might rejoin. Brian, in a lot of ways, you won, and he lost. And you dominated him. Well, I don't, I mean, he was drinking beer during the pickleball game.
Starting point is 00:14:52 Hey, Brian. Hey, hey, hey. It's true, Brian. Brian, did you ever do? There's nothing wrong with light beer. Brian, did you ever do the, uh, wear the underpants thing? Yeah, we did. Hey, Taylor, what's up, my man?
Starting point is 00:15:07 I made it. Sorry, I was watching the live and then I couldn't figure out how to see it. That's okay. Jake, you had some stuff you wanted to say to Taylor. You got a calendar now. I was going to cut you out of the calendar. some stuff got said while you Yeah because if you did
Starting point is 00:15:20 If you had to go to work or something Sorry man you lost today Brian won He gets calendar you don't get a calendar But now that you're here Congratulations you won The first ever Help me for best sports call And I gotta say you beat
Starting point is 00:15:33 I think it was close Had to be So talk to us now Where are you guys at What's the latest Brian was saying He did the dinner Where he wore the little panties
Starting point is 00:15:43 Tell us yeah um yeah it was thanksgiving it was uh you did thanksgiving with the the bikini bottoms dude we were on we were on the verge of disaster for the entire meal i mean it was i'm still still a little scarred by it i think most of the family is how many people were there uh well we got my family support bryan heather the kids i think we had
Starting point is 00:16:12 eight maybe ten So walk us through what happened? Will you slowly paint the picture? Well, he came out with apron first. Apron first and then the big reveal when he came out with the food and just walked around from person to person how much turkey would you like?
Starting point is 00:16:29 Would you like when you know? Do you need some stuff? I mean, nobody can keep his straight face. Nobody could even answer the question. Of course. How could you? It was just absolute chaos. Brian, what a victory.
Starting point is 00:16:43 bud. How did it feel being the fucking hunk? Hey. You know, there's one thing I'm not, and I'm shy, so I have no problem. I'm all about having a good time. Hey, Brian. How did it feel being the main course at
Starting point is 00:16:59 Thanksgiving dinner? I don't think my my father-in-law or mother-in-law want to have very many conversations with me for a while. Wow. Who guess what? Because they
Starting point is 00:17:13 We deserve one picture at some point. Any picks? The wife is, that's the hard one with the wife. Okay, I understand. Just because it's supposed to be. Wow. All right. We can dig into this, maybe.
Starting point is 00:17:27 Hey, Brian, can I throw something out at you, man? You interested in being a calendar? Oh, Brian. Do I be interested in being in a calendar? Yes. Yeah, we just did a calendar with Steve Berg that has sold so many goddamn copies we don't know what to do with them we might have to make a
Starting point is 00:17:47 counter you tell the wife if there's a financial decision now you get 40% of profits my king and great iceberg out like that and burg is not in it hey I was thinking for 2026 we got Brian he lost a pickleball he drank beer during the match
Starting point is 00:18:03 we like the direction he's going in right now the audience for first his cat like there holy shit with that we'll have to get it we'll have to get it sponsored by uh miller light or something and we are brought to you by quince oh cold mornings holiday plans you know the deal this is just when you need your wardrobe to work and that's why i and we always depend on quince quince makes it very easy to look sharp to feel good and to find
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Starting point is 00:20:00 really understand what money was, how to save it. And I think parents are like that today. They don't really know where to start. Acorns Early is a great way to take some of that worry off of your plate and it helps teach your kids about money one small step at a time. You can let them learn the value of a dollar or whatever your currency is and show the potential growth for tomorrow. You know, when I was a kid, you would do a chore and you would get paid, but I didn't really have any clue what it meant or I didn't know the economy, the GDP. I didn't know any of that. And people had chore charts and that sort of stuff, but that is where Acorns Early steps it up more than anything else. So it's going to teach your kids that hard work does pay off. When I was a child
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Starting point is 00:21:27 Acorns Early card is issued by NBKC Bank. The RIFEIC pursuant to license Visa USA Free Trial for New Subscribers Only subscription fee starting from $5 per month unless cancel terms apply at acorns.com slash early terms. So where are you guys out with Pickleball? you guys played again? We haven't played again. We have to. We will soon. I mean, I know it's annual now.
Starting point is 00:21:49 And the family's committed and my dad's getting hats. And I mean, it's. Well, let us know so we can help blow it up to make it an even larger event. But it's becoming a really fun thing for the family. It's becoming a big game. You guys are going to do it next year. Brian, are you training it all? man no yeah but mostly just exercise wise not pickleball wife that's okay conditioning trying to
Starting point is 00:22:17 try to try and to drop some pounds get more back into you know you know not fighting shape but be a little bit more agile you know respect the hell on that i'm doing the same thing brother hold on and uh taylor uh would you not fighting shape per se but we're in the middle of their experience right now uh taylor you're still in hate being fighting shape kill Jake's Mike can we uh Taylor will you be wearing the bikini bottoms if you do lose if I do lose sure but I mean we've got a head start at this point as long as I keep going it's not even close it's gonna be hard to catch me all right Taylor and Brian can I pitch something when is the next match we are I have not gotten that far ahead okay can we and this is more
Starting point is 00:23:03 of a question to Brian because I know Taylor's answer Taylor's going to say of course Brian, will you play with Taylor and let him teach you a little bit? Hmm. Interesting. Yeah. I'm not against that. I think that's a good way for you guys to get together. And I know it's not going to feel good, Taylor. It's going to be scary.
Starting point is 00:23:24 But sometimes you've got to teach somebody to maybe kill you one day. It's called Parenthood. What? I don't mind it. And I hope one day we can get a doubles match going. Me and Brian try to take somebody else down because Brian are actually bonded over this now. That's right. And I think you should train him to be better than you. Well, you know, that's going to be tough to do.
Starting point is 00:23:45 But here's why I said, because in a couple of, if every year it gets closer and closer and closer, you could enter a great zone in a couple of years. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. You said it's like parenthood training someone to kill you? You're trying to train your kids to be greater than you. Okay. But you said kill. Well, kill in this sense. It's another step.
Starting point is 00:24:07 It's, I might be greater than. Sure. Sure. All right. So, guys, we appreciate you. We loved this call. Sexy calendars of Steve Berg. We'll be shipped to you.
Starting point is 00:24:19 Yeah, you're getting... Don't worry. You know what we're going to do? Brian, you said your in-laws are not into this. You're right, Jake. Do they want a calendar? We're giving them a calendar, too. We're giving them a calendar, too.
Starting point is 00:24:33 If they don't like seeing you in your underpants, they surely won't like seeing Steve. Steve Berg post 12 times. We are the Oprah of Steve Berg calendars. You get a calendar. You're going to get a calendar. So, guys, you're going to get a few calendars. We appreciate you and follow up with us so we can know about the next match.
Starting point is 00:24:50 A lot of guys. You guys are the best. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Bye. Great. I'm up for the calendar. Let's do it.
Starting point is 00:24:57 What a great ending to this moment. Here we go, Animal Call. Ooh. Jake. And the nominees for Best. animal call are Aubrey who fed her cat earwax
Starting point is 00:25:13 Oh right You got a big old fat cat name Livy it ate your earwax And you picked your ear And gave it to the cat Yeah I was really curious to see if she'd eat it Mateo Who fell in love with a duck
Starting point is 00:25:29 Mateo Why the fuck are we talking about their dicks Yeah Because there was a day when Gandalf was climbing on me, and I spotted it. And it scared me, and I pushed him off, and I sprinted it. I brinked up my staircase. Rebecca, Susan, and James, who had raccoons eating out of their hands.
Starting point is 00:25:54 They might be 69ing. I've never seen a raccoon blow job. No, I don't know if they've been doing that. Yeah, they could, you never know. It's a C2 raccoon's 69. Wow. Everybody's thoughts around the room. Starting with you two boys.
Starting point is 00:26:14 I know. Never mind. Never mind. Actually, you know two now. Yeah. Morgan doesn't know. Morgan? Captain Morgan.
Starting point is 00:26:23 Calendar, Morgan. Calendar girl. Gandalf. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I'm not sure. There's one that I feel like I'm surprised was not on this place.
Starting point is 00:26:33 Please. Mrs. Gingerbread. I think she gets best song The Patreon is going crazy about that Oh really? Yeah they're like where's Mrs. G She wasn't nominated enough times
Starting point is 00:26:44 For this category Wow Oh no way Interesting The nominees Oh yeah that's right You had to email in Hey hey hey stop getting mad on Patreon
Starting point is 00:26:53 Yeah If you wanted her in Vote There you go You're the Obama of the helpies Don't boo vote Who do you think? I don't think it's going to be Gandoff, even though I think Gandoff would be mine.
Starting point is 00:27:09 We got a lot of comments and emails about we hurt the duck. It had a tough ending. They're like, you guys are doing that. You murdered the duck. It had a tough ending. I don't think we murdered the duck. I just don't. I loved that story, and I love that duck.
Starting point is 00:27:27 I love that duck's penis. Go ahead. Merch. No. He's a merch machine. today. That merch is, I love that, Doug's penis,
Starting point is 00:27:40 Gareth Reynolds. Me next to a duck cock. What do you think? I don't, I don't think it's the raccoons. The raccoons was such a good call. It was correct. It might be.
Starting point is 00:27:55 I think the earwax, that activated you in a way. Yeah, that was the first time I got. I think I probably said five words on that call. That was the first time I got mad. You were furious. So I feel like people will be responding to that.
Starting point is 00:28:08 I feel like it will be earwax cat. What about you? I'm going against what I said. I'm going Gandalf. I thought he also made that beautiful video. It was a saga. It was the beginning of season two. That was great.
Starting point is 00:28:24 And the winner for Best Animal Call. Look at Natalie's face. So look at me. So excited. And she knows. She knows she killed it. The winner is Mateo.
Starting point is 00:28:40 Wow. Man, am I excited joining on Zoom? Wow. Dying for a follow-up. And guess what, everybody? It's going to be sad. We're not going to know what's going on with that duck. Maybe not.
Starting point is 00:28:51 Maybe not. Mateo! Hey, guys. What's up? You've won a helpie for best animal call. Also, Mateo, I'm seeing dinosaur stuff in the background. Jake, please. Have you not contacted Rob Miranda?
Starting point is 00:29:06 I mean, this is so... I have not. The fucking guy is a dinosaur sculpting expert. Mateo... Oh. We got to connect you to. Mateo, yes. He'll probably be buying you a Raptor.
Starting point is 00:29:21 But... Go to that place up. Let's easy does it. Mateo, you've won... About 500 dinoes? Okay, just easy does it now, Jake. Just lock in the pocket, okay? So this is intense coffee.
Starting point is 00:29:33 This is... Cold brew ain't no joke, Jack. Jake's drunk, and he sees... That's liquid cocaine. I got this. You need more dinners, Jack. What are you doing? Mateo...
Starting point is 00:29:45 It's called Geralee the show. Mateo, how does it... King Cog, I'm King Cong, bitch. If you can block Jake's voice out, that'll be really helpful for the rest of this. How does it feel to win a helpie, and did you think you'd win? And is there an update for us? Hold on. Really bad ending, but great for the first forfex.
Starting point is 00:30:07 I'm worried about the... That concern entered my mouth. Yeah, understood. Merch. It is a tremendous honor to win this podcast, and my time on here has been truly pretty awesome. Probably one of the greatest parts of this entire year. Well, that's fucking great to hear, man. Because you crushed it.
Starting point is 00:30:29 Yes. Oh, hey, man. And your video crushed it. Yes. Oh, I am extremely glad that you guys Like in I enjoyed it I did ask a few people around my apartment
Starting point is 00:30:43 Complex a few people said that they did spot him But I have personally not That'll do Wait, that'll do Hold on Mattel Come across him again Let me get crystal clear on this The original call was
Starting point is 00:30:56 You wanted the duck to stop Humping your leg And getting weird with you Yes We pitched can't even remember. We pitched duck costume. We pitched faux duck to put on his porch like he's seeing other ducks.
Starting point is 00:31:11 And Mattel, what did you do again? So I put a, like a, not exactly like a stuffed animal, but I put like a stuffed, stuffed duck out. Okay. And the point is, the duck stopped messing with you, but people in the building have seen it? Say it. Ring the bell! 100% bell ring. 100% bell.
Starting point is 00:31:38 When did somebody say to you and please don't lie? I can't deal with this level of excitement. If you're honest with us, you're getting five raptors for the background, buddy. All right. That's the carrot. It was about one month after our last... Great.
Starting point is 00:31:55 That's huge. Which means you and we did not kill the duck. The duck ghosted you. We did not kill the duck. It worked. He went, this fucking guy's got somebody else. All right, I get it. You're in a thing.
Starting point is 00:32:07 Fuck you, too. Don't worry. I'll put this weird dick on somebody else. I got a pig's tail as a dick. I'll figure it out. Well, this is huge news. Yeah. Mattel, where are you going to put the calendar?
Starting point is 00:32:19 Because you're getting a Steve Berg sexy calendar. Your background looks pretty. Oh, yeah, you're getting one, buddy. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a big deal. But your background looks pretty, it's pretty crowded. Are we going to be able to get in that background there? If I'm getting a Steve.
Starting point is 00:32:33 calendar, I will take down King King. Yeah. So you're telling him, that's what we were open for. So the quote is Steve Burke took down King Kong. And he takes dream. Yeah. That's good news. Well, listen, you're a king. We love you. We love the call.
Starting point is 00:32:49 Thank you. Follow up if you hear anything about this duck again. And, you know, you're getting a calendar, my man. Congratulations on the huge win. Awesome. I just want to say you guys are absolutely incredible. I love this. podcast and again just yeah you guys are you're a big part of it buddy thank you
Starting point is 00:33:07 thank you matthia appreciate it buddy you know what i think we should do that was great great some really that's red there's a genuine relief there agreed by the way i'm not making a joke i presented at the spike choice awards and it was at that moment it was damon and i as i was just for let's be cops yeah yeah as i was on stage i was like awards are stupid that they're this is stupid i don't want to do this There really was a time when there was, like, so many. And people were showing up. Remember Cable Ace Awards? No, but I'm sure.
Starting point is 00:33:39 What does that even mean, cable ace? It was like a big, it was like an Emmy Jr. People took it seriously. They took Blockbuster seriously. That's crazy. Google Blockbuster Awards, Red Carpet. You got a popcorn thing, didn't you? Who knows?
Starting point is 00:33:50 I mean, MTV Awards gave you a popcorn thing, but I think. Yes, I think it was like a Blockbuster box as a trophy. You know what we should do. We should create a fake award show. We have, Jake. All right, next. Spoiler. Look around.
Starting point is 00:34:08 This is real. All right, next one. We have. And the nominees for best follow-up are Tom, our first intern. So I had been in a psych ward, and I needed a really cool story to tell at school. So we made up the story that I had been an intern, and it went pretty well. Zach, who made his friends shit in the woods. Within the next five minutes, we were half a group.
Starting point is 00:34:40 Really? So you really had three go off and have to take wild shits and the place that gave you your problem from the beginning? Absolutely. It's one of my greatest success story. Mr. Hot Takes. What's your hot take on fruits? See, now there is a hot take. Hot take on fruit. Strawberries, great.
Starting point is 00:35:04 Honeydew melon, fantastic. Watermelon, get out of town. Honey, do, over watermel. If it's not Mr. Hot Takes. It has to be. Now, I've got to say... The first two are great, though. All of our follow-ups.
Starting point is 00:35:16 The follow-ups are such a big part of why I love this show. Yeah. Mr. Hot Takes is in a... I mean, Mr. We talk about, like, if we get asked on stuff about a call... We bring up hot takes. Schools are doing his follow-ups. Schools are doing... It's been franchis.
Starting point is 00:35:31 All right, so here we go. So who is the winner? Oh, who's the winner? Yeah, Jesus, you are so coffee drunk. Yeah, I'm fucking high as fuck. What did you? Follow up. Here we go.
Starting point is 00:35:42 And the winner. The pride. I mean, we know who is. I don't have to open it. Mr. Hot Takes. Why don't you just... All right. I'll open it. You are hammered energy right now.
Starting point is 00:35:51 This is, this is Rustic in at 2 p.m. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. Mr. Howtakes. Yeah, there you go. Well, I mean, we just didn't. it just to be sure.
Starting point is 00:36:02 Go join in on Zoom. Let's bring the King out himself. Wow. Wow. You guys. You, sir. What an exciting win. I am excited to win.
Starting point is 00:36:17 Also because I wore the jacket in case. Take the pair brought myself this. And about five minutes ago, I got really worried that if I didn't win, I I would have to, in a walk of shame in front of the entire school, walk this back to the trophy kids with a hot take jacket and explain, I didn't win. Is there any part of you that thought you wouldn't win, though? I mean, we knew.
Starting point is 00:36:45 We have Harold of you. The intern. You guys did such a good job. The intern was special, yeah. I thought the intern. And it's also a real short window because when you guys give someone a kidney, there's no way I'm being like a year. I guarantee if that happens, your old news.
Starting point is 00:37:00 Yeah. So enjoy it now. Now, Mr. Hot Takes, what's your hot take on the helpies and you winning? Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to tell my students. First, I'm going to ask if they know what the Nobel Prize is. Very good. And then from there, say, basically, this is the Nobel Prize. It is.
Starting point is 00:37:19 It's kind of the biggest award in podcasting, actually. I think it is. I mean, look at the size of this thing. It's a shame that you're holding up a huge trophy, and we're sending you a camera. But I get you. Wait, I've got a question for you, Mr. Hot Takes. We're obviously sending you a signed calendar. The Steve Berg calendar is your victory.
Starting point is 00:37:40 Is it appropriate to put it in your classroom? Yes. Oh, well, I'll tell you, guys, I'm on your Patreon, and I already bought two calendars for bits. And the first calendar I bought for a bit, I'm filling out with the school schedule and hanging up in the teacher's room right by the mailboxes. Wow.
Starting point is 00:37:57 So it'll already be there. But we're sending you two more for more bits. Yeah. It's great because I'm also buying some frames and seeing how many houses I can sneak them into. We're going to send you four more. Do you want 150 calendars? Actually, I knew it was going to be a calendar,
Starting point is 00:38:14 and I had an idea for you guys. Now that it's signed, I watch the hot take us. I was going to say you guys could look up, you guys know Steve Berg's address, obviously, just pick a random house like a street over, drop it to the mail with that person with a note that says, Happy Holidays neighbors.
Starting point is 00:38:29 That is so funny. It's the greatest. idea. We could do every house on his block. Oh my God. And just as a holiday gets Mr. Hot-Tex, that's the funniest pitch of all the calendar pitches. I really
Starting point is 00:38:43 I don't know how else to put this, but we've missed you. We've missed the energy. Holy shit, Mr. Hot-Tick. You guys have turned out of bits. You've been able to turn a bit into something that's helpful in my classroom. But Mr. Hot-Takes, that's next level, sir. Why don't we just do a few at the adjacent neighbors?
Starting point is 00:38:59 The directly next door and a Flankers and across the street. It's awesome. Oh, my God. You know, all you get like holiday cards? Happy holidays. You know what we'll do? We'll sign them as him.
Starting point is 00:39:15 We'll write on the cover. Yes. Happy holidays. Hope you have a great New Year, Steve Berg. Let me know what you think of this. With your eye contact. Let me know which one's your favorite. Let me know which one's your, hey, have a good December.
Starting point is 00:39:28 Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. What a hot take. Boy, nobody's ever deserved this more. So you've already outdone yourself, so I'm not putting pressure on you. You've already won huge. But any other hot takes on the tip of that tongue of yours? Well, you know, I thought I would think of some of the ones students have given me this year.
Starting point is 00:39:50 My favorite this year so far has been Michael Jackson is an impressive. He's not? He's not impressive. That's such a young person saying that. Wow. If you were alive in the 80s before the new stuff, the guy's the most impressive guy on planet Earth. Oh, 100%.
Starting point is 00:40:05 What do you think I yelled at this student? You can't yell it too loud at a school. Michael Jackson's the best. Everything he did was good. Well, the way he glides on stage is pretty good. I made sure he was talking musically and not personally. Good. If he had so personally, I'd have agreed.
Starting point is 00:40:22 The way the man moves his body, tell me that's not impressive. It's not moving anymore. But that's a good one. The way the man moved his body. And then another one I really enjoyed was Nobody actually likes dark chocolate They just say it to sound sophisticated I agree with that hot take
Starting point is 00:40:38 Great hot take And then can I just show you how often I You guys are on my mind in this classroom I'm just going to turn my camera to Garif I think I stole the title from you But there is the wall of flames Wow That is awesome
Starting point is 00:40:55 Every picture every time we take a picture Can you imagine having him as a teacher how awesome it would be? I would love it. Well, let me say, Mr. Hotchecks, we love you. You have been one of the reasons this show is so enjoyable. We've done about 250 these, and without people like you calling in with energy, Gareth and I would be bored of each other. No, we love you.
Starting point is 00:41:20 Like, you're so great. Even coming in with the Steve Brick-Counder Brank. But everybody from this community, they'll pitch things. things that are greater than we'll go like we'll find anything that now we can do yep thank you hot takes thank you thanks mr h doctor hot takes bye bye bye bye fucking great the best shocking shocking wow emotional that is that is i feel a little me too feel something i feel something yeah wow these the best by the way what a great prank idea let's do that for sure. Yeah, we just have to
Starting point is 00:42:01 look. Those will go out today. Yes, that's a top priority. But we've got it. Will you sign it? Tell me which ones you're We'll sign it. Anyone can sign it's not his signature. It's not not not not authorized. It doesn't matter. If anyone sign it, we're doing it as bird. That's true.
Starting point is 00:42:18 Here we go. All right, best song. I'd be careful with this Colbert, brother. Yeah, I mean It's strong. Talk to you. Yeah. Yeah, say that to you. I'm just letting you know.
Starting point is 00:42:31 Yeah, you've just... It's like liquid cocaine, brother. Yeah, I can tell. I gotta get out of here. Hey, no gambling today. Do you hear me? You're not my boss. Do not gamble today?
Starting point is 00:42:40 Do you understand? You're not my dad. My dad's dead, sir. Sir? I'm going right to commerce. No. You do not go to commerce. I'm going to holly.
Starting point is 00:42:48 You're not going to bike and you're not going to commerce. Look at your foot. You're not my dad. What's wrong with your foot? It's like your foot. All in. Let's go. What do you guys want to do?
Starting point is 00:42:57 Hey, we need to get more people on Patreon, on ASAP. Jake, where are you? I'm in a bad spot, but logistically, I can't tell you where I'm here. Hey, Morgan, how many of those calendars have sold? I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to sell the calendars. I'm going to sell them outside of the casino for a little while. Get some chip money. All right, what's the next one?
Starting point is 00:43:13 Here we go. Let's try again. There we go. And the nominees for Best Song are The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread. Music and lyrics by Irene. Music and lyrics. And this is about it at weddings. This thing has gone through it. I like it.
Starting point is 00:43:35 I love it. 22nd pilot. Music by 21 pilots. Oh, yeah. Lyrics by Ben. The song's out the wedding. This was great. But my taste in music's on the stage.
Starting point is 00:43:56 And it takes a PowerPoint. you show you how Don't cry for me Argentina music and lyrics by Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice performed by Aaron Gareth and Judd Appetow
Starting point is 00:44:12 For Detroit Lion tickets All right Don't cry for me Argentina The truth is I never left you All through my wild days My mad existence
Starting point is 00:44:27 I kept my promise don't keep your distance boy that was a wild one she got a lot of domination shocking i mean and the winner we don't have to guess do we i mean just open it just to be safe but and the winner is mrs gingerbread house it is mrs gingerbread okay joining a irene joining on zoom let's bring god agreed thank god I mean Hey you've won Thank you so much I think people knew I was for the people
Starting point is 00:45:11 And I'm so grateful to you all Well I think not only are we grateful for you and your song But people at weddings have been Which is crazy Did you ever think that this song would kind of move around the world the way it has? I did not, but in hindsight, I really said. And how does that make you feel when you're looking at your cat,
Starting point is 00:45:37 thinking that people dance to this at weddings, people have played it at home, people have admitted they listen to it daily? That's crazy. I mean, it makes sense to me. She is a star. I want to dedicate this to her. I do want to dedicate this to Derek,
Starting point is 00:45:52 even though we did break up. Oh, wow. And I'm going to have to ask you to, unring the bell. Why? Well, you didn't know, hold on. Let the woman speak. Since the episode aired,
Starting point is 00:46:05 Derek and I broke up, I am unemployed and now living with my parents. So I'm going to ask you the- Irene, listen, we're not, Irene, I did you hear we're going to send you a calendar?
Starting point is 00:46:16 Jake, not now. Jesus Christ, read the room. All right, Irene, so this is interested. But I,
Starting point is 00:46:24 I mean, you feel like it's the Mrs. gingerbread situation that got you to this point? You're willing to put the culpability on us and the show? Yeah, I think so. Tell you what, we're sending you two
Starting point is 00:46:38 calendars. How about that? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. We didn't murder the duck, by the way. Go ahead. We didn't murder the duck. The ducks alive. Irene, walk us through. What happened here, pal? Yeah, I mean, I don't want to air anyone's dirty laundry, but it just it didn't work out and he's wonderful
Starting point is 00:46:58 and she's wonderful you don't have the cat anymore she's Derek's cat holy shit oh boy we got to get this cat holy shit drink two of those we're going to get the goddamn cat do you hear me so
Starting point is 00:47:13 you write a fucking bangor and then ballad you include his ass in it because I know he was a music guy he was half of the magic well he was half of the magic but he was The whole reason we got this story is because of his attitude. He wasn't half the magic.
Starting point is 00:47:30 Well. He wasn't half the magic. Yeah. He wasn't. He wasn't half the magic. He wasn't half the magic. This is like it's not your fault in Goodwill Hunt. He wasn't half the magic.
Starting point is 00:47:43 Irene, you got to cry soon. I mean, you guys were, you were there to help, but, but then you weren't. It's okay. We all have failures and, You're not getting the calendar. What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sending two to Derek. What is in this coffee?
Starting point is 00:48:02 Who are you? You're out. What are you doing? The cat gets one. He gets one. You're out. Your mouth didn't even know how to do that. You're not in the world anymore.
Starting point is 00:48:12 My own mouth rejected your brain there. So your parents have an animal? They don't. You're going to get another cat? You want a duck? I mean, I think I'm their animal now. I'll tell you what, Irene. This has been a bizarre and yet also kind of downer call, but look, you're getting a calendar.
Starting point is 00:48:32 It looks like there's a fridge behind you. It might go great up there. I'm not ready to move on. When did this thing fall apart? It's been falling apart. I can tell. It's been falling apart. What were the two jobs you had and what kind of work are you looking for in what area are you in?
Starting point is 00:48:51 I had an evil AI job and a human rights job. I'm looking for anything, really. I mean, bit comedic roles, stock photo model. I can, you pay me and I can pretend to be normal. I don't think so. Because you promised me you were going to be normal. I don't think you could put that on your resume. I didn't see you there, so I thought maybe Natalie is not here and I don't talk to.
Starting point is 00:49:22 She's here. She's clearly ready to talk to. I mean, I don't know. Maybe you want to be in a calendar? Jake, all right. We might put you with the guy who played pickleball. We'll sidebar on the next calendar because, again, I don't think you're writing it. I think of beverages. Irene, whereabouts are you located if people want to reach out and have you pretend to be a human for.
Starting point is 00:49:43 Boston area. Boston area. All right. And in closing, we're going to send you some calendars. In closing. You'll send you 44 calendars. How about that? Does that make you feel good?
Starting point is 00:49:52 What would you like to say to Mississippi? Mrs. Gingerbread. I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread. I love you so much. I always will. Nothing will change that. I love you so much. I wrote a ballad about you.
Starting point is 00:50:05 I've been written a ballad about anyone else. What about Derek? And Derek, you're such a wonderful person. And I really wish you the best. And I think you're amazing. Do you want him back? No. I'm going to go my own way.
Starting point is 00:50:22 So the thing you said about him wasn't Totally true. You're like, do you want Mrs. Gingerwood in your life? It's an award show. She changed the vibe, not me. You've been the conductor of the vibe the whole time. No way. Not with her.
Starting point is 00:50:37 With Mr. H., we were getting emotional. Stop pointing at her. Go ahead. I want me to see in my life. I want her in my life, but Dee and I are taking a little break, and then we're going to be platonic friends in the future. Okay, that's exciting. I'd like to take a little break from G.
Starting point is 00:50:53 Okay, dokey. Look, Irene, thank you for calling. We're going to send you a 44 counters. You can sell them on the street corner like a newsie, but we appreciate you. The song is great. Such a banger. I have merch.
Starting point is 00:51:05 We have merch of the song. It's just been really great. Any other songs you thinking about and they're cooking in the back of your head? We have nobody loves her, nobody loves you like me on the Spotify. Right. By Mrs. Ginger and the Breads.
Starting point is 00:51:23 Maybe in the future we'll do some more, Mrs. Ginger and the Brad. That sounds great. Well, we appreciate you. You truly do deserve this win. Yes. And I have to say this, and I mean this officially going forward, a caller cannot unring the bell. It is a bell ring for us. Yeah. Because the thing was, you wanted to be able to do it around him. You did. What happened between you two kids after? We can't control that. And I mean, this is just, I just want to say this is perfect timing because my dad has a doctor's appointment on Zoom. So I have to go in. Goodbye, Irene.
Starting point is 00:51:57 Happy holidays, Irene. Say hi to dad. Actually, tell your dad to get on and we'll be the doctors. We'll confuse him. Goodbye, Irene. That's a goodbye officially. Goodbye. Wow.
Starting point is 00:52:10 Bravo. All right, here we go. And this is guest helper. This is exciting. And the nominees for best guest helper are Kat Reitman. Christmas time? I mean, if one of these.
Starting point is 00:52:24 He's here, it's not going to be short. Santa Marlon. Do we celebrate Hanukkah? No, even though, for the record, I'm a Jewish fish. Now, I am not going anywhere. I'm staying where I am. And if I have to bite, I will. Lamorn Morris.
Starting point is 00:52:39 So we really do wish you the best. Lamorne, you got anything? Yeah, shout out to Deacon Jones in the back. You got to call me. You got to call me. You owe me something. He is so funny. I'll take payment soon.
Starting point is 00:52:52 Venmo works. I listen, don't think because you had a wedding That I wouldn't go run up on you I love you And I know there's a wedding I need my stuff Neek and what Justin Long
Starting point is 00:53:04 Come on Rebecca, please Your hair You have the perfect head shape Oh Bullocks, what are you talking about? No, really I'm being fully honest
Starting point is 00:53:15 I've never seen you look more useful than just then You're teasing me, aren't you? No, I'm really not, I promise You're having a go man who do you think i mean we we talk about all of these people as the best yeah but there's so many more too i i do think justin with his performances on the show interesting by a hair because he's very good at the acting i would say i would say justin by the slimmest of hairs
Starting point is 00:53:50 captain morgan or calendar girl i'm pissed i mean i mean Michael Sarah is my favorite. Yeah, Mike was a great one. He should have nominated him. Yeah. But I hear you, there's a lot of people who didn't get, but Mike was great. Natalie, you know, I'm going to go, Lamourne. I do think the house of this show was slightly built by Lamarne Morris.
Starting point is 00:54:13 You're not wrong. Our numbers, we started. It was really slow. The wedding speech. That first one popped. That felt like it was written. And that felt like, oh, now we all know what the show is. Yeah, I agree.
Starting point is 00:54:25 So, you're going, LeMorne. Cat Ritman. Not mad at Cat Ritman. Oh, my Lord. It's a video. Oh, my God, Cat, hi. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, your girl won.
Starting point is 00:54:41 What's that? What's that, Justin, Lamar? Suck it, eat it. Your girl won. That's right. Best guest helper. In your face. And let's be honest, I'm helping.
Starting point is 00:54:53 I am helping. Gareth, Jake, you know I'm out here, giving it my all. Regular Mother Teresa type, just passing out soup. What's that, soup kitchen? You need help? No problem.
Starting point is 00:55:06 Helping. Guys, you make a hell of a show. It is a pleasure to be on it. It is so much fun. I love you both. Happy holidays to all. Thank you for this incredible award. Does that come in the mail?
Starting point is 00:55:19 Do I have to come pick it up? I hope I don't have to come pick it up. That'll make her feel. Could you send it? She'll regret saying that. Yeah, we'll say it. When she gets the Steve Burke calendar in the mail. She'll be like, what the hell is this?
Starting point is 00:55:28 Yeah, absolutely. Nothing but love for all that. She is the best. All right, next one. Ooh, this is a big one. These last two are the big. Best caller and top call. Yeah, that's right.
Starting point is 00:55:45 And the nominees for Best Caller are, Regina, in Finger Foods at the Orj. I'm going to say you're going to have three great sessions before that baby comes. Gareth, you want the over and under on that. Would you take three sessions, Regina? Would that, you'd be up for that? We're betting on the session. She has an orgies before.
Starting point is 00:56:04 Heather in Smart People are our kryptonite. How's your wife? I mean, your cat. Connor in Spray and Mess. One is Mexican. His name is Roberto. He doesn't speak a lick of English. He has nine fingers.
Starting point is 00:56:23 You're living a wild life. Kate, in Long Island, Lisa. That was so nice of you, Mommy. Thanks, Lisa. Can I color with you guys? Yeah. Oh, awesome. Great follow-up.
Starting point is 00:56:37 Page in Manikin for Denahe. Literally, you just put it in front of the store and took a photo? Well, we were trying, my husband and I, we were trying to see a store that wasn't open at the time. That was just, like, sitting. Professor Dr. T. Squeeze in copper-tone style. So why don't you... You guys don't want to know my memoir or nothing like that?
Starting point is 00:57:01 What kind of animal I'd suck off in the jungle? Oh, my God. What kind of animal I'd suck off in the jungle? I don't have a guess. Really? Yeah. Who do you think? I mean, it's obviously there's, it's an embarrassment of riches.
Starting point is 00:57:18 We were losing our mind, like when Paige did the... Yes, we were. I mean, that was really an exceptional call or move. Yeah. So it feels like maybe the problem wasn't as big, but her solve really was where it stuck up. I got to say, I'm not, there's too many for me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:38 I think this is a fun part why everybody gets a calendar. And even people who weren't nominated should get them. What? People who didn't win. People who were nominated. Everybody who called. I don't think we have enough for that. Oh, no more.
Starting point is 00:57:51 Jake, you're in the weird phase of the coffee right now because you're kind of crashing. I'll buy a million calendar. I don't think you understand the money that that's called. I'm going to sell my house. Jake. All right, so which one is his best caller? Yeah, best caller. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:58:07 Do you have a guess? Page. And the winner is. Connor. Wow. And I think that's fair. I'm not surprised. Connor absolutely murdered it.
Starting point is 00:58:20 Well, the world building. with Connor. For so many episodes and then he guessed it on a couple. Can we, he's got an audio message. Yeah, we got an acceptance speech
Starting point is 00:58:27 from Connor. So he's a teacher now so he couldn't join us right now. I'm happy he's teaching. We should connect him with Mr. Connor. Thank you so much. I can't believe that I won the helpie here.
Starting point is 00:58:39 I want to thank Gareth and Jake for giving me the opportunity to being on a few of these calls here. I hope you guys were able to get a few laughs out of my interesting situation there in the Airbnb. I'm here
Starting point is 00:58:51 to tell you that you too can win a helpie if you end up signing up for a random Airbnb and moving across the country and then everything goes wrong and it becomes a very interesting situation that could be you next time you can win that healthy um my life update for you guys he's growing up is i'm actually going to be moving to texas starting next year so that's a big change uh don't know anybody there. He's crazy. So this could also be something interesting. I thought he had it all together as his new job. I don't have a roommate this time around. So I won't be able to
Starting point is 00:59:27 give you any more updates on that. He will. But if something does happen down there, I'm definitely be calling again. We need to follow with Connor sometime October of next year. It's going to be some crazy stuff. He hasn't grown up yet. You're talking very fast. I'm going to be in Texas in April. So what? Maybe I can go see. Well, maybe I'll meet the guy. he said next year.
Starting point is 00:59:49 Oh, that's interesting. Two weeks. Yeah. Texas is big. What's going on? Texas is big. You really have not let me open one of those since the beginning. No, I had to change your tone.
Starting point is 01:00:04 We couldn't do the whole show as that. You're on cocaine. No, it was a choice. You were playing to a non-existent studio audience. there. That's just what the Oscars are. I know, but I couldn't do that for the full hour. I get it. I thought I'd get one.
Starting point is 01:00:25 Top Call. And the nominees for Top Call are Chris, who bought his boss tickets to an ostrich farm. Oh, yeah. I don't think that's a top call. It was an amazing. Yeah, it was. It's going to be weird.
Starting point is 01:00:43 It's Ostrichland, USA. Emma, who math. masturbated while cat sitting. So when I get there, I am so excited. I get to just be a human for an entire week. And, of course, that consists of just near constant masturbation. Robert, whose brother might not be circumcised. I mean, you could take your bad fuck.
Starting point is 01:01:04 Oh, come on. God damn. We're brothers after all. No, man, I was thinking the same thing. Angelica, whose haunted dolls look like Jake and Gareth. Look at the big fat baby. These are, by the way, you got a new nickname. Little weird guy, big fat baby.
Starting point is 01:01:28 Stone, who does not have a foot fetish. What can we do? Yeah, so my friends think I have a foot fetish, but I most definitely do not have a foot fetish. Okay, thanks for the call, my man. We'll talk to you, really. So clearly as a fetters. Nick, who leaves shit stains on his towels in the sauna. You can email him into a podcast about my dirty asshole, and I'm not going to try everything.
Starting point is 01:01:56 Nick, I'm wrong. You're right. Honestly, I'm offended. Come on. Who's your guess? These are some, I mean, there's some throwbacks. Ostrich guy was probably like, you know, first two sessions, yeah. I it's hard it I think I'm going to go Nick I just think the shit stains were yeah it was
Starting point is 01:02:23 but also when I when she says constantly masturbating that I'm going constantly is really the greenfield one the circumcision also a great one there's great options buddy you're damn it what a tease all right here we go top Call. Hey, Gareth, do it the way you want to. No. Do it the way you want to. No, because next year I won't be able to do it.
Starting point is 01:02:48 Just don't try to be cute for the girls. Just do it the way you want to do it. And the winner of Top Call and rounding out the first annual helpies is Robert. Circumcision. We're not sure if he'll be calling or not. Do we know if we have him? He wouldn't commit. And he is not here.
Starting point is 01:03:12 Hey, but what a win. What a win. Gray call. He doesn't get a calendar. I did tell him he won. He doesn't get a calendar. Begging him for an audio. Was there a response at all?
Starting point is 01:03:25 Yes, there was. He just has moved on, I guess. Let's hear what it is. I said, I sent him a pretty desperate message. I'm not going to lie. That's so funny. Please. What do you say?
Starting point is 01:03:35 He said, oh, wow. Really? That's crazy. Send me the number to call and I'll try to find time. Wow. Respect. But guess what? We probably don't even have his address, so we can't send him again.
Starting point is 01:03:47 But here's the reality. Great call. All of them were, thank you to everybody who did call in. Yes. The helpies were smash. They will be annual. Yes. This is great.
Starting point is 01:03:57 Great. January to January. It is also fun to, I mean, you forget how crazy this show is. So now we've got a very special moment. Rob Miranda. Your best friend. He's in the Patreon right now, too, listening to. Rob, we got to get, will we connect you to the duck guy of Mateo?
Starting point is 01:04:22 I asked him if he would make a gandall for him. Yeah. You guys should connect, though, in a real way. But Rob, we're about to see the thing. It's exciting. Oh, my God. Wow. What's the best character?
Starting point is 01:04:42 This is here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I mean, it's like he's getting put in Canton. This is like his bust in the Hall of Fame. I mean, this is shocking. Walk me through all your thoughts. I can't.
Starting point is 01:04:59 What the fuck is happening? What has happened? I mean, what? What's going through you right now? You're drunk on coffee. You're holding your best friend's head. I'll tell you what's going through me is this is taking, the calendar thing has been a really intense bit.
Starting point is 01:05:19 This is, we're entering a world. I don't know what we're doing. Yeah, we're wrapping out the year with this is, this is, we're in total recall now. Why do we have a 3D sculpture of Steve? The idea that you're asking. I mean, I love it. Rob, as always, you crushed it.
Starting point is 01:05:38 We're going to figure out what we're going to do with it. It might live back there. Apex Rex For flightless bird and ours Whatever we're in studio It might go home with me It might go home with Gareth It's not going home with me
Starting point is 01:05:49 It's not No, I can for sure I would love it, yeah I mean we could pass it around A little bit We could share it around We could pass it around We could spread the wealth
Starting point is 01:05:57 Um There's two more things Oh there are Yeah When you're ready Yeah we're ready Do you want Steve Just sit next to you in this chair
Starting point is 01:06:05 No it's fine right All right what's next Oh Whoa. If you're curious, it's a plant. It's a planter. It's a planter. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 01:06:18 That's going home with me. I'm putting that in my back. I'm putting that in my bag out with a plant coming out of its head. Absolute. I mean, unbelievable. Rob, you crushed it. Yes, a hundred percent. The thing is, Berg would love this.
Starting point is 01:06:35 Here, hand it to me. Berg would love this. So, you know, I could put my heirloom tomato in my own head. Oh, if I grew fresh basil out of myself? How good would that be? Yeah, that has to go over. I can make a pesto for Thuthi and I out of my own brain? Holy shit.
Starting point is 01:06:51 Unreal. Looks like it's from Greece. Yes, it does. And last thing. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. You got a fucking keychain of Berg's head?
Starting point is 01:07:10 Rob. Remember when Rob called and his problem was his wife was upset at how much he was obsessed with dinosaurs? He's now making key chains of Berg's head.
Starting point is 01:07:22 Holy shit. Can I have one of those? Yes. Whoever wants... You know what we could also do? We could send these to one of the winners too. I was just going to say, you know what next year if we want?
Starting point is 01:07:32 Incredible, Rob. We could make little Berg trophies and that is the helpie if we wanted. By the way, you know what we could do? Rob, let's do a deal next year. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:07:41 We're going to commission little burgs and for the help you That's a stature. That little burgy guy with a little body. So he also sent these pictures. So when he was making burgh, that's his kid's birthday party. We should probably talk to Rob's wife at some point. Maybe do a check-in seat. That's going to be an unringing of the bell.
Starting point is 01:08:02 Okay. A little party hat. Incredible. And then making burgh. Wow, with the no eyes. That's a. Incredible. Zombie bird.
Starting point is 01:08:11 I think there's one more. Was there? Oh, the last one's the best one. Joe's great. Man. Is it coming to? Are we obsessed with Steve?
Starting point is 01:08:23 There it is. That's Rob's wife. Watching. Watching Minx are good. Watch you know what? Oh, my God. Cuddling. By the way, Jake,
Starting point is 01:08:35 if you want to have a framed picture, I mean, that's a pretty good frame picture. That's pretty good. Well, I mean, what else can we say? Thank you to all the callers. Thank you to everyone who worked on this here, Rabbit Granu. What a win.
Starting point is 01:08:50 And thank you to you, G.R. Thank you to you, Jake. It's been a ton of fun. The best. Thank you to everybody, and we're excited. What a win. There we go. Closing out the helpies.
Starting point is 01:09:08 Hi there. I am a long time listener and I listen to your podcast religiously. I just finished episode 240 and you jokingly said we're here to wed and it made me laugh because I'm a local wedding planner in Ontario, Canada and I would be thrilled and overjoyed to help out this couple in Florida. If someone can fly me there, I would be happy to plan or coordinate for them, especially if Danny Jay is going to be our lovely officiant. I thought it's
Starting point is 01:09:40 just so lovely and funny that this community, you know, it supports anybody for a wedding or for a kidney transplant or even a creepy doll in some museum. So I thought I'd throw my hat
Starting point is 01:09:56 in the ring and offer that up, should anybody need it. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis,
Starting point is 01:10:27 Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Foller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Foss Stike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.
Starting point is 01:11:01 Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hi, I'm Nicole Bayer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends. And we're here at HeadGum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends.
Starting point is 01:11:20 We talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes. We are professional friends. Friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, PocketCast, or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were. I'm really sorry. I felt the
Starting point is 01:11:53 support. I was so, okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're Welcome.

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