We're Here to Help - 243: Birthday B*tch & Luberacci (with Dave Holmes)

Episode Date: December 24, 2025

Gareth is joined by special guest helper Dave Holmes, Editor-at-Large of Esquire. Together they help a restaurant employee get pied in the face at work. Then, they help a lube fanatic get out of a tight situation.See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-243Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Discover why there's more to imagine when you listen at audible.com slash best of the year. And we are back. Dave, it's a Wednesday. Yes, it is. Guest helper. Dave Holmes has joined us. Dave, promote, you have, you are a jack of all trades. Where can people find you?

What should people listen to? What should people read? Well, I am an editor at large for Esquire Magazine. I have a column in our print issue. I have a podcast called Troubled Waters on the Maximum Fun Network. Every couple of weeks, that comes out. I did a limited podcast about the story of MTV last year called Who Killed the Video Star. That's up now as well.

And then I... You're all over. I'm all over. I'm everywhere, but the bank, guys. Well, that's a good way of putting it. Isn't it? But you are banned from the San Diego Zoo? I am banned for life from the San Diego Zoo.

For life? Yes. What happened? I'll tell you. So I worked on a show. I'm not going to say which show, but I was... hosting a television show and

we shot an episode at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park which is not the San Diego Zoo proper but it's like it's a little bit north

and it's like it's on a ton of land and they have you know it's like an African safari but it's in like Temecula sure and so we

we recorded an episode there and one of the other people I worked with and two of the other people I worked with got real drunk

during this shoot. They would occasionally like have a little nip of whiskey. Yeah, they were occasionally have like a little, you know, just to kind of to lubricate things as it were. Sure. And but it was like a hot day.

Things got a little bit out of hand. And so two people on the crew got drunk as shit. And so we were on these flatbed trucks going through the safari park and like stopping where we could like if there was a nice view to get a quick

you know get a take and then go and we went through the giraffe area and the people from the park who were on the trucks with us were like one of these giraffes is really aggressive and we forget

which one yeah so but they were like you can feed them and so they gave us these like eucalyptus leaves to like feed them and they like the big long tongue comes out and wraps around the eucalyptus leaf and sucks it in and whatever but they were just like just be gentle because they're

easily spooked and again one of them one of them might hurt you yeah one of the wild card yeah it's the one with the long neck and so we were you know everyone was kind of gently feeding them little

eucalyptus leaves and then one of the drunk people yelled to the draft come here you little bitch I'm gonna feed you and so the uh yeah so it nobody attacked like they didn't attack us but the people from the park were like all right let's let's keep let's keep moving and so we kept going it was it's not okay i mean i yeah it's not okay and this is one of the people who's drunk yes okay so a drunk a drunker's called the giraffe a little bitch a little bitch and uh so yeah so we got through the day and it was like you know

it was it was we just barely got through the day sure And then we got a, the production company got a letter a week later that said we are not welcome back in the, uh, are you, are you, do you think you could not get your names on a, everyone was banned? I bet I could go. By the way. I bet I could go. I'm sure, you know, it was a long time ago. If I were you and I'm not, and you won't do this, if I were you, I would put on a disguise and see if you can get back in there. I doubt I didn't even need to do that, but I did, they did, we did receive a letter that we are, yeah.

Officially banned. For calling a giraffe a little bitch. For calling giraffe a little bitch. So I will say that the person who did that was a makeup artist. And like years later, I was working on a different show. And I told that story because it's fucking ridiculous. Ridiculous. That were bad for, anyway.

And I told that story. And I should have known better than to tell that story in the makeup chair because one of the other makeup women knew that person and got a hold of that person and then that person got real mad at me on Facebook. Oh shit. Yeah.

And what was like, you're talking giraffe shit? Yeah, yeah. Wow. And I was like, listen, it was a funny fucking story. You got too drunk that day, whatever. But she, and I will never forget this

because I can't, it won't leave my brain. She, this woman was like, she also smoked a lot of weed, this woman. This is great. Yeah. And she was like, you know, how dare you try and ruin my reputation? You little bitch? And she meant to write, sure, I smoke pot or whatever, but she spelled it wrong.

And she's like, sure, I smile pot. I smile pot. You're like, to prove that you're not a train wreck to just, it's so simple, a quick spell check. Just a quick, just a proof, proofread with your own eyes. It's basic shit. you have an argument with someone online and they use the wrong yore and you're like yes buddy i've won you have won you have one you um well some great calls you're a great guest helper dave thank you so much people should you are endlessly talented so people should go follow you and listen to you

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All right. Hello, caller. Are you there? Hi, yes. How are you guys today? We're good. Thank you for being so pleasant. Where are you?

You've got a Midwestern sort of disposition. Oh, that's sweet. I'm actually in Florida, so not quite Midwestern. I was just there. It's wild. Yes, it is. Okay. Can we get your name, your approximate age, and where in Florida you're calling from address-wise? Oh, perfect. Okay. Yeah, I'll give you my exact address. Actually, I'm going to go with a fake name. Okay. So we're going to go with Ellie.

Ellie. Can I ask what led you to Ellie? Is there, was there an Ellie in your life at some point? No, no. I was just trying to think of names. My sister suggested Deborah, and I just did not like that suggestion. So I'm just going to start it up. Yeah, since we're making, yeah, what was your question? Can I talk yet? Yeah, you, so, so let me explain. That's my favorite question. So, so Ellie, quote unquote, so, or Deborah, Dave Holman. is joining us for this call, Ellie. Hello, Ellie. Dave is a force to be reckoned with, not only in media,

but also with his kind spirit, his great advice. Debra, when you think of Debra, is it D-E-B-R-A or is it D-E-B-O-R-A-H? It's got to be the H. Honestly, it's a fake name, so I don't mind either way. But just like in your head,

what are you seeing? When you sign your name as Deborah. How are you doing it? E-E-B-R-O-H? Debrough? I don't know. Debrough. Debrough.

We are going to go with Debrough. Debrough. Debrough. Perfect. Perfect. So Debrough, Debrough, approximate age? 30. All right.

So Debrough, you've got Dave, who's probably sweaty. He's definitely dirty. No, no. I'm very clean. I did take the shower. Oh, you did? I prioritized self-care. Wow.

You didn't want to do it. help um okay so so debor what's going on what can we help you with okay um so i just recently moved to a new city uh like about three months ago and i started a job at a restaurant in the area and a tradition of the restaurant is when it's an employee's birthday that said employee gets tied in the face um so this is so florida i am kind of a bit shy and really new, trying to make some friends with my coworkers, but obviously the team has kind of been working together quite a while. It's not a place where people leave often.

And so I just, my question is, how do I let them know that I'm open to the tradition because I basically want to get pied in the face for my birthday, but I'm afraid that they don't know me well enough, and I think it's going to be like mean or something if they do it. Wait, I'm a little confused. You are okay with the pie in the face? Yes, I am okay with the pie in the face. And you're worried, you explain your problem again.

I'm a little confused. Yeah, I am too. Okay, no problem. Okay, so I'm basically because I think that they will think that it's mean because they don't know me very well because I just started. Oh, your birthday must be coming up real soon. shy, trying to make friends. I think that they might think it's mean

if they just like pie the new girl in the face for her birthday. You are, you want them to pie you in the face and you're worried they think you're, I guess as you say in Florida, too snowflakey to get pied in the face? Oh, wow, yeah. Sure, yes.

So, huh. Okay, wait, hold on, hold on. Go ahead. How long, when is your birthday? My birthday is in like three, four weeks. three or four weeks unsure about the date of your own birthday Deborah

That's how Debrough is Okay And how long have you worked at this restaurant About three months So it will have been More than four months Before from the You fill out your start paperwork

To you get pied in the face on your birthday Exactly yes What do you think is an appropriate amount of time To work there before you get pited the face or have you heard with the sincerity that you're hoping for?

Or have you heard that they like take it easy on people or something? Is this a founded fear? Yeah, this is just a thing that they do

and I didn't even know about this until like a couple of weeks ago and because somebody got pied in the face for their birthday and I didn't realize

that that was even like a thing that they did and now I'm like oh my birthday's coming up. They don't really know me that well. They don't know my birthday is coming up. But I do want to get pied in the face. But I don't want to be like, hey, by the way, it's my birthday. Will you pie me in the face?

Places of employment have ways of knowing when your birthday is. Yes. Okay. I will refer back to the start paperwork that you filled out about three months ago. It's on there. So the manager has a list of birthday. So it's coming. I don't think you need to ask for it. Well, here's what I would do, because I think Dave's right. I think they're going to, four months at a restaurant job. Like, do you not feel like you're part of the restaurant? I feel like when I've worked in restaurants, four months, I'm like, I got my, I'm good. Yeah.

Do you feel like you're still an outlier a little bit? Well, I work two jobs. And at one point I was working three. So I, like, have been part time there for quite a while. So I'm not as, I'm not as, like, I'm a. work there one day a week now just because I work other jobs too. So I definitely am trying to get to know more people, but I, you know, sometimes I'll work. I won't work with the same person, like, like weeks apart.

What do you, what do you do at the restaurant? I'm a server. Okay. Okay. I kind of have a pitch, Dave, because I kind of get the idea if she's part time that I kind to get the idea that she might be on the pie bubble a little bit, that maybe they're not going to do it for a part-timer. But I also would think that they would.

If it were me, honestly, I would just, like, let them know I'm open to it. But I have a way that maybe we can help raise your profile and get you a pie in the face. But, Dave, you're the guest. So if you have something first, go ahead. No, I, all I have is questions. When in the servers shift would the pying take place? Is it right when you get there? Is it at the end of the night when you're cleaning up?

Yeah, because it's a weird thing. If I was in a restaurant and like eating and I saw this happen, I'd be like, all right, well, I'm not coming back here. This is like a clown factory. Yeah, yeah. In the random time throughout the shifts, so it's not a designated point. Oh, so they really keep you on your toes. Wow.

The whole shift, you're really, you're like, some torture. Yeah, you're not, you're not fully present mentally in your shift because in the back of your mind, there's a pie. Now is it, are we talking a pie plate full of whipped cream? It's got to be. They might do in the movies, or is this a hot pie right out of the oven? Not a hot pie. No, but has the pie been, has the, have they gone to a place where this would be a good pie to eat or is it a prop pie? I'm guessing prop pie.

Well, yeah, it's not, yeah, obviously, you're like, it's not, they don't just, like, go buy a pie. Debrough, don't obviously Dave's question. First of all, Dave, I'll step in. Don't you obviously Dave's question. You have brought one of the oddest issues in the show's history to be quite fair. It's true, yeah, it's an auto. Can I, okay, I just want to take this isn't, I'm, I just want to tell you about a place. I want to tell you about a place that I went to in Florida, and maybe this is the place you work.

I hope not. But it was on South Beach. Okay. My partner and I were in South Beach, and we did a Yelp search for Sunday brunch, and a restaurant came up called Bacon Bitch, and we said, well, we have to go to Bacon Bitch. Florida's wild. Florida is so fucking wild. It's wild.

So, yeah, so we went to Birthday Bitch, and it's literally-Bacon bitch. Bacon, bitch. You're solving this birthday bitch. Oh, did I say birthday? Well, we'll come around to that because. So first of all, you go up to the hostess stand. And she asks, are you a hungry bitch? Like, I'm not kidding.

And then they put you on the list. And then you wait at the bar, and they ask at the bar, are you a thirsty bitch? Wow. And it's like, and it's one of these places where you get a Bloody Mary and there's like a 16-inch piece of stuck into it at the top of it. And a burrito. It's just a burrito with a straw and some tomatoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of a New York strip on a skewer.

And when it's someone's birthday, and it was like 18 different people's birthdays, they come out. and they twerk on you and they play a song called Birthday Bitch I'm I've come around so much on this place in your description

honestly I mean you do have to go there once and of course there's like a wall of greenery with neon cursive that's like you know to eat bitch or whatever It's like eating on Love Island

It's exactly like eating on Love Island but the only line that I remember from the song Birthday Bitch is it's your birthday bitch about time to do some birthday shit which it's great Anyway, you can find it on Spotify. So I guess my question is, do you work at Bacon Bitch?

I do not work at Bacon. Do you know of Bacon Bitch? But is, are there elements of Bacon Bitch? Okay. Are there elements of Bacon Bitch in this place? Like, is it a grown-up restaurant? Is it a Chucky Cheese for grown-ups? What is, what's the general vibe?

No, it's really not campy or anything like that. It's very like, it's just like a fun kind of laid-back environment, though. But it's not like, they're not like their theme. Dave, but Dave, you're asking, and I'm not, I was in Florida and I was like, you know what, I'm back in on Florida, but you're asking someone from Florida if it's camping. It's, he can't, you know what I mean? It's like, the scale is off. Yeah, you're like asking someone from New Orleans if they're experiencing humidity in a humid space. That's correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, Debra, I'm going to give you a pitch and Dave, feel free to punch it up or throw your own out there. There's strength and options. But this is what I would do. I think I kind of understand your position because you are like, it is weird to be like, I want the pie in the face.

It's kind of weird, you know. I think you're also maybe a little more on the bubble because you're part-time. I feel like maybe you're a little more reserved and there's probably some real outgoing people here. So, but I think what you need to do is find a way to be open if they're going to pie. you, but also plan be it a little bit.

So what I would say is one of two things. Either you have someone waiting in the bullpen with a pie that you can text as your shift is winding down to come in, pie you in the face so that you can say to them in a creative way, I just want you to know that next time it's my birthday, which is today, I want the pie in the face because I'm part of the team or you bring your own whipped cream pan setup and when you're there

you ask one of the servers that you're close with towards the end of your shift to pie you in the face same kind of sentiment at the end you're just sending you're just letting people know Debrough is into the pies Debrose into the pies yeah my

my advice is similar to that and I just have one more question like who's your who is your favorite person at the rest Who's your favorite coworker at this restaurant? You can give him a fake name. You're great at those. Yeah, I've done well so far. Yeah, no, you're killing.

Deborah, you've been great. Yeah. Well, I will... Let's just go with Jack. Okay, so it's amazing. Okay, let's call him Jack. Let's call him Jack. So you got a month, you've got four to five weeks, three to five weeks, until your birthday.

If you and Jack are on the same shift and it's someone else's birthday and they get, pied in the face. I think what you need to do is express how much you are enjoying watching that, but not in a way that is straightforwardly saying, like, God, I hope someday somebody pies me in the face. I think you need to give a reaction as though you are watching a baby take their first steps or a dog standing on its hind legs. I don't know why these are all walking examples, but you need to give it a reaction that is like pure childlike wonder and bliss. Can you, well, like, can you quickly practice one of those just so we can get a sense? So Dave, Dave, let's do this.

And I'm going to follow up your pitch with an alt pitch, but let's do that, Debrough. So I'll be the staff pying someone in the face and you approach Jack, who will be Dave, with the energy Dave's asking you for. Okay, so, oh, that's right, Carl, you're part of the team. Oh, eat pie. We're just, hey, for those of you who've never been to maybe the second weirdest establishment in Florida, we do this one. We love a server here. It's his birthday.

Go clean up. That's how we do it. Oh, Debra, this is a thing we do here. I don't know how I feel about it. What's your take? Oh, Jack, that is so cool. It just makes me feel like you're all such a good close down. part of the team

and wow, I just I just am so glad that you have that type of camaraderie here. I love that. I love that. Honestly, when you said the word family, that hooked me in emotionally and I was there for the ride with you.

Keep in mind, Dave was a dog and high legs and the baby walking for the first time vibes. Yeah, and I don't know if you caught the curveball that I threw you there, but Jack wasn't 100% sure. about how he felt about the buying. Oh, no, Dave, I don't think we lost the beautiful angle that Jack, and I love it.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's good, Debrough. I would, my alt pitch on that would be pull Jack aside two weeks before your birthday and say, hey, I kind of dig that pie in the face thing. Do you think they'll do it to me or are they not going to do it to part-timers? So that would be my alt pitch that could lead into my first pitch. I kind of like Dave's pitch the best.

But this show is about you, Debrough. So you've got your three pitches. You've got the first pitch, which is that you have a plan B, you take advantage of the vacuum if they don't have a pie in the face for you. You've got Dave. When you see the pie in the face at work and you and Jack are on the same shift, you go over to him and you let him know how much that would mean to you if you had it happen. And then the third pitch is just approach Jack and try to.

get him to kind of plant the seeds that you want that to happen. You know, it is an emotional risk to say, like, I think this is fun, and it makes me feel like you guys are a family. Like, that's, you're really going out and emotionally. I think there's a practical way to do it, which is to say, like, whether or not I'm going to have pastry and cream on my face and on the collar of what I'm wearing, it does sort of affect what I'm going to wear to work that night. So just can I get a vibe check on whether a guy is coming?

Right. I also like that one. I think you could do Dave's first pitch as a heat check and then go into a secondary port of call if you liked it. But Debrough, it's up to you. So what do you think you're going to do or what combo are you going to do? Or have we missed Jake Johnson so much on this call that it's been terrible? It is a weird problem. It's a very niche problem.

It is a strange. It is a weird problem. It's boutique. Yeah. So I think I'm kind of probably do like the two parts of it maybe. I do like Dave's pitch of the kind of like expressing like your like feelings around it. I think that's like having like a reaction. My only concern with that is I don't know if there's going to be a birthday within the next like couple of weeks for me to have that type of reaction, you know. How big a restaurant are you talking? Yeah. Uh, it's a pretty small restaurant. So the, I mean, it's pretty like, okay, I got, I don't know. Allow me to throw, sorry, allow me to throw something in the direction of that. Find out, I mean, you work with these people. There is a way for you to find out when there's going to be a birthday. And what I would say is if you feel like it's not going to match up with your schedule, which is a rational fear, I would find a way to figure out a birthday.

the next birthday that's going to happen there. And I would try to go into work that day. And even if you don't see it, which you might, you can still on that day to Jack say, do you know when they're going to pie Sally in the face? Like, I don't know. I just love that. Like, to me, that's fake.

Then you go into the Dave pitch. Okay. Yeah, I like that because that kind of helps, like, that's a good. It's a plan B on the. And is this always, I have a lot of questions. here still. Is this done on the birthday proper or is it just sort of the shift that is closest to your birthday? Great question too. Yeah, from my understanding because like you can't like all the time be working on your birthday. I think it's the shift closest to the birthday. Well, Dave,

that does open. So birthday observed. That does open up my last pitch, which would be go to management and say to one of the managers that is the coolest, hey, I have a question. Do you know the next time someone's getting the birthday pie in the face? I just hope I can see one. Like, I love it. So I kind of want to see if one's going to match up with my shift. If not, I might just come in and eat that day with my friend to show

or how awesome it is. Like, to me, it's kind of like the fam. Then you're in the Dave pitch. Oh, that's also a good. That's a good one as well. I think like a good combination of the three could work really well. There's a few ways to start floating out there that you're a pie fan. And I think they'll do it.

I think plan enough of those seeds. So here's what you should do. Come back on. Let us know how it goes. You're probably going to jump back. I mean, this is going to be within six weeks. So figure out which one you'll do. I think there's a few options.

And I would, you know, employ a couple of them and see. and again there's always that nuclear one of day of just have some whipped cream and a pie canister in the car to self pie if you want to you don't want to pie yourself that is really that is a last ditch okay yeah see Dave see Dave I was so supportive of everything you've said and then you come at me and Deborah has my no I think you've given some wonderful options I just feel like that one that is that is the drop dead it's nuclear yeah that is nuclear that is no I'm just saying

and I'm just saying you might even at the end of it be like, I don't want to do. Like, you might just be the person who just has whipped cream and pie acutrema on their car. And that's okay, too. Yeah. But let us know, you'll get a vibe. I mean, it wouldn't be weird in Florida. People are crazy in Florida.

Did you hear the restaurant Dave just described? Yeah. No, everything. All bets are off. All bets are off in Florida. What's your favorite dish at this restaurant? Oh, probably a cheese cassidia. Ooh, cheese casadias.

It gives us a salad. Simplicity. Well, Debra, let us know how it goes. Keep us posted, okay? Okay, thank you both so much. Happy birthday. Yes, happy birthday soon, and we'll talk to you soon. Okay, talk to you soon.

Bye. All right, caller, hello. Hello. Hello. How are you gentlemen? Good. You've got Gareth and you've got guest helper, Dave Holmes, joining us today. Dave Holmes

Yes And who are we speaking with Who are you? My name is Liam Liam Great to meet you Liam Where are you calling from? I'm calling from

Ottawa, Ontario and Canada Beautiful Oh, be darned! How old are you, Liam? I know I am at the right young age of 22 Going on 23 years Old, okay

I'd ask you for a memoir title but you shouldn't be even thinking about that right now. All right, Liam, 22. Canadian, what's going on? Yeah. Well, I have a bit of an issue, and I need to keep it from my grandma, and I was hoping that you guys can help that.

Can help with that. Sure. Okay. So sometime around last Christmas, I was traveling to visit some extended family with my mom, my stepdad, and my girlfriend. And this was kind of a big deal, because this was the first time

that my girlfriend was going to meet my extended family. Okay. So we were pretty excited. And as we were going through airport security, my backpack got flagged. And I had no idea why. I mean,

it's happened to me before. But I went over to the security guard, and I was like, all right, what's the deal? And he says, this is your bag? And he opens it up. And he pulls out a bottle of lube.

And I'm like, oh, my God. And then he goes, was this used before? And I was like, yeah, You can just throw it out. It is fine. Because at this point, my mom and my girlfriend were standing to the side trying to guess what was going on. My mom was like, I had a bottle of lube. And then the security guard puts it back to my bag.

Yeah, my mom said this. And I was pretty embarrassed. And the security guard looks at me and he pulls out a second bottle of lube. What do you pee ditty? What's going on? Well, you know, when a situation, calls, you know, you've got to be ready for anything. How dry is your situation?

Yeah. Are you going through narrow doorways? Well, you know, sometimes, you know, you might be in tight spaces. Anyway, my girlfriend or my mom was like, is that the second bottle of lube? And my girlfriend standing beside her was like, yeah, that's right. But I had no idea that this was in my bag. I had a couple of other things in my bag, too. I sent some pictures in, so I don't know if they'd want to show them, but they was...

Liam, this is a lot of one. You know what Loub looks like, but okay. Is this about the other items that were... I'm curious about the size of the bottom. Jesus Christ! Liam, why is this? Okay. Dave.

Yeah. I'll talk. Please. First of all, okay. By the way, just so you know, this is an intimidating look. He's got a lot. lot of stuff. This makes me feel like I'm lame.

But you know what? It's the color story that is being told here is really strong. There's a lot of purples. There's a lot of hot pinks. Up in the upper left-hand corner, there is a potato that says life was all out of lemons, so here's a potato in stone. But that doesn't relate to the story or does it. No, no, no.

The potato's a solo thing, yeah. Um, okay, well, that's good to hear. So I, I, I, your story about being Canadian absolutely checks out because, uh, all three of the lubes that we see, uh, are described in, uh, English and French. Gel lubricants. Yeah. Lubrifiance gel. Um, sensy thin, mass. Uh, so, so we have some duwrex condoms, sensy thin ones.

Thin ones, meaning he can hold himself in control for a while, which is a brave. Mm-hmm. It's indicated by feathers. I don't understand, but that's okay. We have an explore just pure fun water-based gel, or gel bas-do, from Trojan. We also have a Trojan-H-U-O. Is it closer or closer? Like, here's our closer.

Closer. Here's our closer, lube. Okay. It's infused with vitamin E, which is very important. There are let's fool around cards and. There are Fuzzy handcuffs. Love cuffs.

Yeah. Fuzzy handcuffs. Okay. Yeah. This was all in your bag? It was all in my bag. You swear to God? I swear to God.

And you had no clue these were in your bag? Well, here's the thing. Me and my girlfriend don't live together currently. Yeah. Well, me and my girlfriend don't live together currently. and we're good we're about to, but I, so I kind of bring it with me wherever I go and I

frequently pack in my bag. I also checked a bag. But I didn't think to check my backpack because you left at like four in the morning. You put the crazy shit in the check bag. That's, that's, I mean, you're 22, you're young, but good Lord. I wish I knew, guys.

I couldn't, you guys don't know the embarrassment that I felt going through. Did they take the handcuffs out in front of your mother too? There's no need for them to take those out, although I guess they could. It's kind of like... Oh, boy.

They kind of like dangled them and then looked at me and then put them back in the bag quietly. And I was so embarrassed. Okay. All right. This is some real life sitcom shit that you're living through right now. It's also a novice traveler shit. Yeah. This TSA role, I mean, it's, I see a young Kathy Griffin, you know, doing the thing,

taking it out item by item, giving you the side eye. Yeah. Like, I'm an M-video style. Yes, I have to ask, is there room for anything else in your backpack? Oh, yeah, there's room for more, but I have a special pocket for it. Oh, yeah, cool. Don't put your lube in, no. Okay, I see.

I see. So, you're like reading material, an iPad, a good set of headphones. A human fist. Oh, yeah, exactly. And a sampler platter of lubs. Leopree. Fist, just a butt. Yeah.

Liam, how does this relate to your grandma? So keep going. Yeah, what's she got to do with? Right. So obviously, I swore my mom and my stepdad to secrecy, and all was well. And then I saw the rest of my siblings a few months later, maybe, and somehow they all knew about the story. And they all had a nickname for me. It was lubacious. They call me little lubel boy.

They called me lubilicious now. Lubarachi. It seems like it's going to be. Lubarachi. That's not a bad one. And the thing is, my convocation. Yeah. My convocation is next, or it's in three days, actually.

And my grandma is flying to Ottawa to see it. And as far as I know, she doesn't know the story. But she's also staying with my mom. What is she flying there for, sorry? My convocation, just finishing university. She's coming by to watch the ceremony. We call that graduation. Yeah, I guess that's a French word that means graduation.

Convocation. Yeah, yeah. We're real fancy up in Canada. Convocation sounds like what you need those furry handcuffs for. Yes, a little personal convocation. Okay, so Grandma's flying to Ottawa for your convocation, not a word. Yeah, as far as I know, she doesn't know about this, but she's also staying with my mom and my stepdad for 10 days after, and I don't trust my parents to keep it a secret.

But my question is, how do I either stop my grandma from thinking on some kind of of sexual deviant or if she finds out how do I own this or erase it from her memory or you know how do I go on living with this do you really think your parents your your mom and stepdad are going to tell your grandma that you travel with more lube than a porn shop yeah a thousand percent yes a thousand percent why why I think that my parents thrive off of these kinds of stories. You know, if I do something dumb, all 38 of my cousins are hearing about it kind of deal.

Well, but this gets into a, this, this is, this is difficult territory, right? Because this proves conclusively to your mom, and I don't know what, you know, what you're, the sexual, I don't know if you're race religious at all, if there was any, like, talk of sexual ethics or anything like that. But this is, this is a story.

that proves conclusively that you are getting it on, right? Yeah, I love the word part. But that might not be something that your mom wants your grandmother to know because it might, and I don't, again, I don't know what you're, like if it were my family, it would reflect, well, I mean, if it, my mom calls my

partner of 22 years, my roommate, so whatever, but, but like anything, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's wild. but like anything that that might indicate to her mother that she has been

a mother who gave you looser morals she might not want to say to her you know what I mean? Oh no yeah no my mom or is it just to you guys

just let it all hang out yeah she gave herself the nickname Sugar Tits which is an interesting thing to say to her kids so we're dealing with a family that is kind of open about this sort of stuff. I have a pitch.

I guess that's how we got here in the first place, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I mean, yeah, my mom had me at 21. My grandma had me at 20, so it's an active family. You might have said this. Where is grandma staying? She's staying with my mom and my stepdad,

which is about two hours away from where I am. All right. Here's what we're going to do. Are they coming to see you for your convocation? They are indeed, yeah. Okay, I think there's a way for you to order a cornucopia or what I'll call a pornicopia of stuff to your parents' house with your stepdad's name on it and find a way for grandma to see that that stuff is associated with him. And then you're going to make it seem like you're all involved in more of a porn slander war versus you, are directly on an island alone

going through TSA with lube options, thin mint rubbers, and your little play cards and fur cuffs. Yeah, that's actually not an awful idea. I think you could go online and find a porn place.

Well, look, what would you rather? Would you rather be involved in World Porn 3 or would you rather them just sort of let it rip? I would say if you should let that show up there, your dad, your stepdad's going to open it. They'll probably be talking about it. They won't understand what happens. And then at worst case scenario, you can be like, yeah,

those are fur cuffs that my stepdad put in my bag without me knowing because they keep trying to have this weird porn war with me that I didn't want you to know I was involved in. Just muddy the waters is my pitch. Yeah, make them a little guilty. Yeah. You know, there's also, come me the waters. There's also just the possibility of fucking owning it. You're, you're, you're, you're, you're having freaky, wet sex. You're having slick, well-lubricated, partially restrained sex that, as the cards dictate. What are some of the, some of the activities that, that you are directed to do by these cards? Well, they

Okay Well, they have to I'll try to find them for you But it's like Lick your partner's torso down That kind of thing Like it down You know, it's nothing insane

But nothing Right Such you're not crazy Sexy suggestions Yeah, yeah Yeah Yeah, exactly Yeah

Yeah You know what It sounds like Everybody who would make fun of you For this Is a little bit jealous Of you, aren't they? because maybe they are not having sex

or maybe the sex that they are having is dry and it creates friction. Well, maybe is out of fresh ideas. Maybe to that idea, Dave, we could do this. In preparation of them spilling the beans, what if you order a hat that says grandma to a sex machine and when she comes down and she has this knowledge,

you tell her you want her to be proud of you, so you get that hat made for her to wear. I like that. Hey, grandma, guess who's getting it on? Yeah, they're right. I do travel with fur cuffs and lube options. Yeah. You don't?

What? The less comfortable you visibly are about this, the more they're going to push, right? Yeah. So get comfortable here. You know, lube up emotionally and spiritually. You've got to become lubacious. Maybe you get yourself some sort of like Joseph

and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat cape. Maybe you lean into lubacious. Yeah. Maybe you get a crown and a staff. The world's most uncomfortable handshakes. It's my superpower. Yeah. There it is.

There it is. What's your favorite lube? My favorite one? I think. Well, anyway. the one I use most is the H2O closer one. That's not too bad. That's your closer.

A little suggestion. What do you like about it? What do you like about it? I don't know. It's, I mean, it does the job, and it's okay smelling, I guess. And it's got all that vitamin D, so, you know, get all your vitamins and you work now. Sounds like you're giving her the vitamin D. Am I right, Liam?

Hey, hey. I just want you. Yeah, I just want to get you comfortable and, conversational talking about lubes because this is, you know, for the time being, this is how you are known within your family. The only way, the only way to make this moment pass is to get comfy with it so that they know that they are not bothering you anymore. You take back your power and you own it. I like that too. I would say in that pitch you might want to get yourself a little bit of a costume that does sort of showboat that you are lubacious. I do like a custom. I do

like a custom hang. You are lub daddy. You could get a shirt that says lubacious. You could get like a Dracula cape and bedazzle a little something on the back and get yourself some sort of staff. And when grandma shows up, it's like, yeah, grandma, that's right, because I am lubacious. I'm the king of lubes. Put on some Luther Vandros and say, hey, does everyone like Louvrethorvandros? Mm-hmm. Lusvervandros is good. I like that. Yeah. Do like Batman and Robin from the 60s and just like work it in. Do puns. You know what I mean? Or you're Liam the louber. Liam.

Can I get my girlfriend to costume too? Yes. No. You know what? Yeah, I keep forgetting she's involved. Yeah, I forgot about it.

You got to put the lube on something. I do think that this sounds like it's probably right in the zone of your family's sense of humor. So I would say, why don't you get ahead of it? Why don't you start

getting some lube merch together for when grandma comes? Get a crown for yourself. Get a crown for you. for your girlfriend. And if grandma doesn't know, then you just let her know. This is who I am.

Yeah, okay. And you're Liam the Louber. You're lubacious. Yes, you're the Louber. Was it your mom or grandma? I can get a utility bill. Yeah, there it is. Yeah.

Any kind of fun stuff. Yeah, put the handcuffs on there. I can arrest people and stuff. Yes. What were you going to ask, Dave? I was going to ask, was it your mom or your grandmother who calls herself sweet, sweet, sweetie tits or whatever?

Sugar tits. Sugar, sugar tits. It was my mom. I think that's kind of right in the sense of humor of the family a little bit. So, Liam, we're suggesting that you either order a pornicopia box to your parents' place where your grandma's going to be staying. We suggest, yeah, I remember that pitch, that happened. More than anything, we're suggesting that you just really lean into it and just make it part of your personality. and you almost take on a wrestler heel vibe

with this for you and your girlfriend. Or in preparation, you get grandma a hat that says grandma to a sex machine, but I think we all know where we kind of felt most comfortable. I'm lubed up naturally after this conversation. Liam, what are you thinking? I'm thinking I'm going to morph into lubus, is going to become a real person.

Great. And we'll get a little weird with things. now here's what the show needs we're not gonna get a little weird no it's okay the loop checks in the mail here's what the show needs from you Liam we need pictures we need some video of when grandma is first introduced to you as your alter ego if indeed it happens yeah when it happens um we just need proof of life proof of lube I That's what we need. Yeah.

We need a proof of loop. All right. And even if she doesn't take the grandma to a sex machine hat, that'll look great on you. I agree. A lifetime of fun memories. That's like a Judah Friedlander hat. Yes. So I think you should go with that.

I would get her the hat made just for the finale of this moment. And I would really lean into it. That, I think, is going to make your family. It takes some of the fun out of it for them, and it adds more of it. of the fun into it for you. So, I think that's a great idea. Yeah. Liam, you're in a tight spot, but I think you can get in.

I think you can get yourself in there and do some great work. Absolutely. That's what the loops for. That's exactly right. Yeah, okay. All right, Liam, keep us posted. And I'm not going to lie. I'm thinking about lube now more than I have in a while.

I'm not a big looper, but it seems like, I don't know, it might be time. Yeah, I mean, these are two brands I was not familiar with, so I'm going to need to get myself back to the pleasure chest. Bringing that much lube in a carry-on is insane. I mean, how long are you going? That is like a three-month trip worth of lube you brought. Well, this is just like I'd bring it generally with me, you know, and if we want to change up how much vitamin E we're getting, you know,

because you can get too much. We'll change the lube. Yeah, that's right. You can never get two. much. Yeah. It was about a week I was there. I mean, that you brought, I mean, that, the amount, it's like you were doing a tour of

duty in Afghanistan with the amount of looted blood, and you're just going away for a week. So, for your, like, essentials backpack. Yeah. For your, I might need on the plane pack. Exactly. Exactly. It's not like something that you check and it's okay if the bag gets lost. No, this has got to stay with you at all times.

You, my man, let me introduce you to something. called travel size. There's a whole section of Target. They've got it for you. That's what you need to be filling with the lube you're bringing away for a week. But either way, you know better than us. It will remain full-sized, but that feel, from

here on out, just for practical reasons, that's checked back. That's the move. But it is your world. We're just lubing in it. Liam, good luck. Keep us posted, your little stinker. Go out there. Keep it greasy, baby. Have fun. I will. Thanks, guys.

All right. Thank you. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions,

executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, do stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available. every Monday starting January 20th.

Go to patreon.com forward slash Here to Help Pod. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends. And we're here at HeadGum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah.

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Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, PocketCast, or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were. I'm really sorry. I felt the support.

I was so, okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, well, know reading seems pretty hard right now it's a lot I think you did good thank you so much you're welcome