We're Here to Help - 247: Ten Pounds of Pasta & Doormat Drama (with Jenny Slate)

Episode Date: January 7, 2026

Jenny Slate joins Jake and Gareth to help a mom process her 9 year-old's toxic breakup. Then, they stage a doormat crime scene.Listen to Jenny's new podcast, I Need You Guys, with Max Silvestri and Gabe Liedman every Tuesday anywhere you get your podcasts.See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-247Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, it's Tignotaro from the Handsome Podcast. And I'm May Martin. And I'm Fortune Feemster, also from The Handsome Podcast. And we wanted to let you know that we made a very fun special episode of our show, sponsored by Squarespace that's up now on our YouTube page for you to watch. Handsome finally formed a band and recorded a hit song live in the podcast studio. And we documented the whole process for you to watch. It's by far the most ambitious and inspiring moment on our show.

to date. I feel like we can't say much more about it without giving too much away, so just go watch us make complete fools of ourselves and have the best time ever. Or become the newest pop sensations. That's right. Go to YouTube.com slash handsomepod or listen wherever you get your podcast. That's YouTube.com slash handsome pod to hear us record a song live. See you at the Grammys. Oh, for sure, buddy. For sure. Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com. slash Hansom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code

handsome to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no. I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good.

All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host a show What's our podcast here on HeadGum? But we want to make sure you heard about a very special episode with a very special guest that we just released in the feed.

Yeah, it's in the feed. It was sponsored by Squarespace because they were appalled. We didn't have a website for our show yet. They were like, you don't have a website? What are you guys? Like kindergartners?

They wanted to do something about that. So we built a flawless, beautiful, perfectly designed website live on the pod with our very special guests and very web savvy guests. Should we tell them who it was? Let's put we could play 20 questions. I don't think we have time for that. Is it a person? No, it's not. It's Finn Wolfhard.

But Finn had a bunch of great ideas for the website. Beck, you had some amazing ideas for the website too. You had some amazing ideas for this. Well, I was sort of driving the thing. I was sort of like clicking and. And I was like, let's put a little. little, let's put some widgets in there. I was talking about widgets. You kept on using that phrase widgets. Yeah, there's all sorts of stuff there. And you might want to check out the

hippo. Just go check out the website. Just know that there's a hippo video and know that you're going to want to watch that. We had a lot of fun making this episode. We had a lot of fun to make this website. Best time of my life. I think you're going to have a fun time listening to it and maybe watching it. Think of it as our little Christmas present to you. Yeah, yeah. This is a gift for you. Okay. It's just like, it's a selfless thing we did for you. Thanks to Squarespace for making us build a website sponsoring the episode and for supporting creators across the headgum network go check out the bonus episode what's our website from what's our podcast on youtube or wherever you listen to podcasts go to squarespace.com slash beck and Kyle for a free

trial and when you're ready to launch use offer code beck and Kyle yes sir to save 10% off your first purchase of a website domain get it Kyle And we're here, and we are back back. We have a great guest today. We've got the very talented Jenny Slate. Fantastic. She's starting a new podcast called I Need You Guys. She has Gabe Liebman also on that podcast.

Valerous writer comedian. And, you know, Jenny is somebody who I always thought I was going to work with her at some point. You never have, huh? I feel like that. We've been near each other, but I think she's so talented and funny that I always thought like there'd be some project we would do together and get to know each other. And then when we were doing that podcast, I was like, I don't think that's ever happened. But I've been a fan of her for so long.

I know of her. I can feel her and I doing something together. But I was like, I don't think that's ever happened. happened you know i didn't even bring this up when we did the episode but you remember when evan and i had our comedy central pilot back in the 80s which one it was it was the first one remember we like through a party it was like it was a big deal anyway we went i do remember i just don't remember like was it the mancation one no it was called evan and gareth are trying to get late is what it was called i don't know why they didn't pick it up um but uh we she was in it before

she was anybody no way yeah we i she was like this cafeteria checkout person or whatever Why didn't you bring that up? I don't, I, because, you know, here's why. Because here's the, the upside to that is smaller than the downside to that. The downside to that is her going, like the upside of that is, oh my God, yeah, remember, that was so fun. The downside to that is her going, what was it? And you're like, it was a Comedy Central pilot. You were, it worked in a cafeteria.

You had like two lines and she's like, um, oh, did it shoot in L.A.? And you go, no, it shot in New York. And she's like, oh, uh, I don't. I remember that. I remember. I've been hurt by the business. You are a really sensitive guy with the ego stuff. In what way?

What do you mean? Rihanna pilot. You cast an actress. She's, you know, what I love about Jenny is similar to you and me and our path, and it's not everybody's path, but she's a fucking grinder, dude. Big time. She was one of those people you'd hear about on, like, stages, and you're like, Oh, yeah, that girl Jane is really funny.

And then I remember her in like the Nick Kroll stuff where I was like, she is hilarious. She is. She, you know, she grew every year. And then she would do some indies where I'm like, oh, she can act. Most people can, in my opinion, do like one or two things really well. I'm like, she does everything.

But I think, that's why I think that her role is cafeteria checkout person and the Evan and Gareth pilot might have fallen by the wayside. But she is great. And people should listen to her. podcast, but I do want to tell you, Jake, there has been something that's been happening. I've been out on the road for, I did a New Year's show, and then I've done a couple other shows, and there's a new wrinkle that I don't know why neither one of us saw it coming. That is the calendar signing.

Oh, my God. The calendars, the first time I saw one, I thought, oh, well, that's cool. Oh, my God. I've probably signed 12, 13. And it's mostly the female demographic. I'm not going to lie. And they bring, they, they, on sheath the calendar. They bring it up to me.

And I sign mine. And then I'll either sign their birthday or I pick the month where he's showing tit. And I'll say no. And then I'll sign that. Interesting. But a lot. The signing of calendar. I got a real thing that I got to bring up in terms of numbers.

And this goes back to the Steve and Eric talk of stuff, too. 12 and 13 are not big numbers for the signing of these calendars. I've done three shows. One was a dead show. What does that mean a dead show? Low numbers. Oh, okay. Oh, interesting.

So you're talking percentage of people at these places? I would say percentage of people. It's a lot. That's pretty good volume considering the amount of shows I've done. I haven't been doing that many. Oh, I got you. So you're saying if you, like, went on a tour, tour. Oh, this is, this, here's what I'm trying to say.

You're saying this is the beginning of your new world order. This is a thing. Now I understand. This is a thing that I did not see coming. This will be a thing. For sure. The dollop has a book. It, for a while, was a thing.

This is a new, that. This will be, this will be happening forever. Are you going to be selling calendars at shows? Are you, because we don't have many more left, and we're not printing more. You know, you brought it up to me. me before and I kind of was like, I kind of thought that it didn't make sense. It completely makes sense. I should take some, because I'm flying right now, but I'll be driving in February.

I should get some and I guarantee you because there was a couple people who were like, oh my God, the calendar, like they were starstruck by, starstruck and envious that the calendar had been acquired by other people. Can I look through it? Like that was happening. Well, I'll tell you what I don't want to do. Oh, first of all, I want to say to anybody There was a group of shipments who bought December 4th

We've gotten the emails That the U.S. Post Office lost a bunch of the calendars So, bullshit, they're in the back There's just this steamy group of females in the back Who are just gawking Or one weirdo Yeah, excuse me, let me, hold on There were 30 calendars back here, has anyone seen them?

Me, no. Who, me? Why is it ever accusing me? Nobody said your name. Okay. I didn't say your name. Relax. Okay, all right.

Everybody relax. Okay. God, why is everybody looking at me? Okay, I took a few. Yeah. Oh, I'm the worst guy in the world. I've stolen 40 calendars of a man named Steve Berg who posed for no reason. And for some reason, people find it sexually attractive.

And my favorite is when he's eating chicken on a one-man picnic? Oh, but I'm the person. And I'm terrible. You're terrible. You're terrible. You're all. So there's some lost ones. There's some lost ones.

But email into the show. We're doing the tracking noise. And what we're going to do is we're just going to send you a new one. Rather than wait and go like, oh, maybe the post office will find it. Just we'll send you another goddamn one. And so no matter what happens, we don't print out more. I agree.

It's over. Because these are going to be over soon And people are going to want more I like that These are drops These are drops It's not another business It's over

No No I completely agree They're done God bless Yeah And I definitely think If I take them on the road I'll definitely sell out

No problem Yeah There's no doubt There was a doubt in my mind There's no doubt now I've been Listen I've been wrong On the calendar

Every step of the way So at this point I just I'm giving myself up to the fates. This is what it is. Well, why don't we do this, G, man? Let's start the show. Okay, so without further, ad-doo.

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Hello. Hello. Hi, hi. Can we get your name, please? Yeah, I'm going to go by Gigi. Gigi? Beautiful. And Gigi, where are you calling from?

Can I go by Gigi, too, for this call, Jake? By the way, Gareth, I would love you to start calling by Gigi. Okay, so I'm going to actually, Gigi, I'm going to go by Gigi for this one, too, if that's okay with everybody. Gary is from the dollop, right? It's gone. Well, yeah. But we never call you Gary here. No, Garfee, Garfee, we call you Garfie, but.

Gigi is great for me. Gigi is great for me. So Gigi Reynolds is perfect. So it's real quick, before we start, Gigi, do you want to change your name for this call? Because I am now actually going to go by Gigi. Do you mind Gigi? Do you want to go by Gareth for this call, Gigi? No, it's going to get confusing.

You're right. Maybe D.D. Dedy and Gigi. Hey, Gareth, will you change the name on your thing to Gigi? I don't know. Who? You want to, oh, yeah, Gigi could change that, no problem. All right, so Didi, where are you calling from? I'm from California What part of Cali?

Near San Francisco Best state in the goddamn union There we go Yeah I'm currently looking for You know those Rams hat That Los Angeles thing Gareth? Yeah

I'm looking for just a Los Angeles I just don't want the Rams on the side Time to start representing The greatest city in the country So DD from California Take over what's going on Okay So I have to give you

Some backstory story. I know I was supposed to make it really concise. You need some. Okay. So I'm 42 now. I have been friends with this friend since high school. You know, I'm going to call her Haley. So Haley and I went through, you know, high school together. We got pregnant, you know, at the same time. That's cool. And now we both have two kids each. So we both have daughters for 13. And she also. also has one boy who's 10, and I have one girl who's nine. And because we're close friends, we visit them often.

And every time we visit them, it kind of turned into this game where my younger daughter, who I'm going to call her Anna, and her younger son. She's a nine-year-old, yeah? Yes. She's a nine-year-old. both by Anna and her son, who is Christoph, who is 10, they started playing this game called Let's Get Married since they were babies. So it was like a cute game where they pretended to get married and, you know,

we were all in it with them. They got dressed up and they would, yeah, it was so super sweet until this happened. So last week, My friend made a discovery that they somehow broke up over text. And the context- And-Christophe and Anna broke up? Yes. Okay.

We didn't even know that they were dating. But it turns out that they- Yeah. Yes. After getting married about 10-plus time, I think they realized that they were somehow involved. And anyway, the context of this fake was because Christoph was not living up to the expectations of how boyfriend should.

act for Anna. Wow. It's crazy. Okay. And I sent the text thread over, and I think it will be really awesome if Gigi and, yes, if Gigi and you can act it out if we do have time. Okay. I like you taking charge and do it in a little direction. So I would say the most names and notes.

I've had on a call in a long time. Same. But I'm getting a clear setup. I think you're doing a nice job, D.D. Yeah, you are. Absolutely, Dedy. All right, keep going. You want to see the text? Yeah, let's see the text message. Okay.

Yeah. I think I have an order. Ignore, I'm going to, when we share this to the general public, I'm going to cross out everybody's names and stuff. All right. Are you going to be Christoff? Are you going to be on a Gigi? What do you want?

You pick. I'll be Christoff. Go ahead. No, I think you're more assessed one. No? I agree. He is. I didn't want to say it. You be on, I'll be Christoff. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So W.T.H. Why you literally never answer. The point when you only answered the every year? Sorry. I have my iPad on silent always. My bad. You're bad, right? You have it on silent. Do you just like not want to text me? I don't have to. You text me. I always answer. Why you're not answering me all the time? Sorry, I'm really busy, actually. Really? I don't think so. Usually you mean.

And I don't want to annoy my family when they're home. Ooh, I got to tell you, your daughter's crazy, Ben. Your daughter's crazy. You can get more of your line here. Oh, sorry. It gets worse. Okay. Keep going. And I don't want to annoy my family when they're home because my friend's spam text me. And yeah.

You already annoy me. I'll turn off silence. Sorry. I'm not going to text you anymore if there's no point. I'm not going to join you on Roblox if you don't even answer me in the chat. It's just that my friend's spam text me. And what? What does that have to do with anything? I'm not allowed to chat on Roblox anymore, only in private servers.

Yes, but even when you're playing and I join, you oh, text me. Jesus Christ. I tell you that. I joined you. And if we can text, you don't even answer. Sorry. It's probably one of my silent. My bad.

I'm going to take a break from you. I'll get off silent. Let's break up for now. And start texting you more. Bye. Why? I don't want a BF like this. Bye.

It's also that I have football and so I'm not home a lot. Bye. Okay. Okay, if you want it like this, bye. I'll start talking more. And I will not. Why? Stop texting me and leave me alone.

Okay. Never going to text you until you get it together and start acting like a real man. Okay. Fine, I'm 10. He didn't have 10. Look better. Be nicer. Look better.

Okay. Look better. Bye. And we might see each other this weekend. Of course, but I don't care. I can't call him eating breakfast. Bye. I said, cry about it.

Bye. IDC. Bye. Do you still want to be friends? No. Oh, Jesus. Okay, fine. Bye.

Bye. I don't care. Wow. This is insane Wow You're nine and a 10 year old Wow Those two need to go to a couple

Savory First I'm going to say to both of them You guys are a bad match Breakup And then I'm going to say to a little Christoff Run my little king This ain't a 50-50 fight She's crazy

This is bad She's nuts I mean you go through this at 10 I want this kid on the phone Gigi I want this No she's We need to talk to this little nine-year-old.

She's out of control. By the way, he's doing the thing what we all men do, where you're like, I'm sorry, I'll do better. I'm sorry. He's groveling. I don't know what happened. He's groveling. But I'm at fault.

He's grovelling at an adult age. So, D-D-D, take over. What the hell is going on? And what can we do? We can talk to Christoph and tell her to run from this woman. There are nicer women. You know, the question. They're not all like this.

Jake, she's nine. I don't care. I kind of. They're not all like this, Gigi. We're on D.D. side. I know, but Jake, I think this. Wait, guys. Is this a good time for our guests to join?

Because she just got it. Yes. Okay. Okay. All right. So we are on the line with a woman named Didi. She's 42 years old. Okay.

Her and her friend had kids at the same time. Okay. They had 13, now those are 13-year-old boys, and then her friend, we're going to call her Haley, has a son who's 10, his name is Christoph. She has a daughter named Anya who's nine. Anya and Christoph have been playing this game forever, and that is we're going to get married. Okay. Cute and fun. Sure.

So we thought. They just found the text exchange between these kids, and fucking Anya's a maniac. What do you mean? Well, don't just, that's an intense breakup has occurred where Anna doesn't feel like she is getting enough attention from Christoph, and Christoph is apologizing, but Anna is really putting the screws to him. You know what I'd like to do before, Jenny, before, can we just show Jenny all the texts, and I would like her to read it and give her take? Okay. And you're saying that, great, I would love to you. Are you saying, first of all, is it on?

Anna or Anya? I think it's Anna. Didi, what is it again? Anna and Christoph. Anna and Christoph like Frozen, just to say. Yeah. Okay, so why am I saying Anya? That's not you question, to be quite honest.

You're going to have to call in and ask yourself. Because my brain's weird and it's broken. And Anna is nine and Christoph is 10. Correct. And we have got it. Anna's mom is on the line with us. Okay, but we're not there yet. Can we show Jenny the texts?

And then Jenny, do you want to read these with me? I'd love to. You'd be Anna and I'll be Christoph. Okay. Okay, so you're the one who texts more. And there's five quick pages. I'm so sorry. Am I the blue?

I'm the gray. What does W-T-H mean? Oh, I see. Sorry, I'm 43. I don't know. I don't know a lot of these. Okay, this is Monday at 1132 also. Yes.

Just like such a random time. Why aren't these guys in school? What does fuck? But anyway Actually, Didi, why aren't these kids in school? Let's talk about others. This is right before last Tuesday, which was the Veterans Day. You're right.

You're right. What a way to spend it. Okay. WTO, okay, here we go. WTH, why do you literally never answer? The point when you only answer the every, the point when you only answered the every year. Sorry, I have my iPad on silent always. My bad.

You're bad, right. You have it on silent. Do you just, like, not want to text me? I don't have to. You text me, I always answer. Why are you not answering me all the time? Sorry, I'm really busy, usually. Really?

I don't think so. Usually, you mean? And I don't want to know my family when they're home. Because my friend's spam text me, and yeah. And what? What does that have to do with anything? Anything. I'm not allowed to chat on Roblox anymore, only in private servers.

Yes, but even when you're playing and I join you, I text you. I tell you that I joined you. And if we can text, you don't even answer. Sorry, it's probably when I'm on silent, my bad. I'm going to take a break from you. I will get off silent. Let's break up for now. And I'm going to start texting you more.

Bye. Why? I don't want a BF like this. Bye. It's also that I have football and so I'm not home a lot. Bye. If you want it like this, bye, but I will start talking more. And I will not.

Why? Stop texting me and leave me alone. Okay. Never going to text you until you get it together and start acting like a real man. Okay. Fine. And learn. Look better. Be nicer. Okay. It's harser when you're reading it. It hurts more.

Oh, yeah. It felt less bad when we're. thread it. And we might see each other this weekend. Of course. Oh, OFC, which means of course. Of course. But I, D.C. I don't care. I can't call. I'm eating breakfast. Bye, I said. Cry about it. Bye. I don't care. Bye. Do you still want to be friends?

No. Okay. Fine. Bye. Goodbye. I don't care. Jenny, your thoughts. Okay. Your takeaway. Now you're fully caught up. I don't think that Anna is a maniac at all, man. What? Yes.

Yes. Yes. This is, this is just, she's not maniac. This is just she is, you know, nine going, you know, 34. Yeah. I mean, I think it's really, it's a bummer to me that these two young people are having a conversation like this when they, it's as if they got politically involved or something. It's like, you have a moment in your life when you don't need to be doing this kind of stuff. You don't need to be in these relationships

and be making demands of people and be validated by the other and all of this stuff. So nine to a 10 year old, they're babies. Surprised. I'm surprised that this is even where they're at and it's so sad because they could just be like having fun because they're not adults yet. But also, I just kind of feel like

he's clearly wait, who's mom am I talking to? D.D. Are you his mom? Honest mom. Okay, okay. So it's not even because like the mom is here. You really think Christ. off is the weird one?

I don't think he's weird, but I think he's doing the thing where he's like, oh, what? I didn't even notice. Sorry. Like, that's what I was. Jenny, I'm so glad we asked.

This is a wild take. I was 100% that before you got on, I was yelling about Anya being a maniac and that Chris said run from the psychopath. And this little boy is just like, I play Roblox. I don't know. Sorry.

Well, can we be friends? No, look better. Be nicer. What's the 10? Well, he heard her feelings. So that's why she's saying that to him. But he heard her because his phone's on silent because he's at home. Well, he's given a lot of excuses.

And then when she's like, I don't want you to be my boyfriend. He's like, oh, no, wait, I have football. Why didn't he marry? Turn out. Why don't he? Because he was three when he agreed. Well, he fucked up. So now we are all clearly set up.

Didi, take over again. Okay. Okay. Now, the question is, um, how can we make sure that this breakup won't hinder the two families from staying friends and continuing to visit each other without being super awkward or Anna and Krista. Great question. Okay, because they're family friends.

The mom is one of your best friends. The kids started dating, which was funny. You guys did not realize it got out of control. Now it is out of control. How do you do a family? We all get together on a Saturday when two lovers hate each other. Mm-hmm. And, I mean, Anna, I asked her many times. One, she's upset that she got caught.

And two, she keeps saying that she didn't even like Christoph. And Christoph kind of, like, asked her to be his girlfriend. And she finally agreed. And this is what has happened. So she just kind of a lot of feelings there. She wasn't happening in the first place. Yes. I think this is a big part that happens a lot between men and women.

Yes. She's nine. I think, no, but I think the men kind of pushes. They're not men or women, but yeah. I agree. But I don't want to say this happens between boys and girls a lot because that feels embarrassing at my age. You can't say that. At my age, that's gross.

You're right. You're right. You chose well. You're right. No. Go ahead. So Dr. Christoff and Ms. Anna. Yeah.

But I think they're in a situation that boys get themselves in with girls is that he pushed to make it happen. Then he's underdeveloping. under-delivering. Yep. And now her feelings are hurt. He's not doing anything bad on a Tuesday night. But she's also saying that her feelings kind of aren't even hurt in a way. Well, the I don't care means nothing.

Of course you care. If you don't care, you don't say I don't care. The only people who scream, I don't care care. I think they both care. And I think that they probably right now actually don't hate each other but are in that weird activated state when your families do see each other. and they're together. We're going to be so trained on each other,

even if they're not looking at each other because they're like, you know, like, I'm just going to be, like, totally jacked up on that energy. But I also think that she's like, I didn't even want to do this. And then he, like, said he wanted to be my boyfriend. And then he didn't even text me

when he saw that I was on whatever that thing is. I know, but it's been the reason he didn't text her was because he was playing with his friends and he gets a lot of spam texts a lot. So he doesn't want to annoy his family because he's getting spam texts. Plus, he also plays football. But he also plays football.

But he can't. call right now because he's having breakfast. And if he does, his mom's going to get mad at him for using his phone too much. What? Spam text? It's not like, this is. Yeah, spam text is a thing. They do?

Kids? Yes. My daughters are in a group, their whole class is in like a group text message. And if it's not on silent, you just hear, beep, beep, beep. And it literally will be one kid sends 50 texts of nothing. It will be a photo of like a gift going like this. And you'll be like, why did he send 50? And my daughter will go like, he doesn't know how to use the phone yet.

I see. I thought you were like, like, the spams I'm getting, which is like, this is like, Representative Fetterman or whatever. Democracy's on the line, Christoff. Like, now is the time. Like, stop to opt out. Kamala needs you. Like, even though she already stopped or whatever, like, I guess. We need more money, surprisingly.

Christop's in the hall. Right. My favorite of those spams is when the first line shocks me. And it will be like, I love making lasagna, Jake. And I'll go like, what? And it'll be like, because I'm just a regular guy like you, can I have money? Yeah. But I'll be like, at first I'll think, who sent me this about who's friend do I not have their number that leads out like this?

You like lasagna? But, D, D.D., I do have a first pitch. So, Jenny, what we're going to try to do now is we're going to try to pitch solutions to see if we can make this hang on a family Saturday better. Yeah. Obviously, it would be great to get Christoph and Anna on the line. I don't know if it's appropriate because they're kids. Probably not. It might be tricky.

It might be tricky. So here's what I'm pitching. Really structured events and or games. So when everybody gets together, it's not chill. It's literally like three-legged races and they're forced to be together and they're forced to be nine and ten-year-olds, not a quarreling married couple.

So like games where you have to like put an egg on a spoon and run up and down the backyard, keep them busy. So there's no talking, it's tag, it's running around, it's games. So they remember their 9 and 10 and forget they're in a lover's quarrel over text. I know. But usually what happens is so they live like three hours away from us. So we go over there for the whole weekend and it's a sleepover.

This is really bad stuff. All right, I got one. Okay. I'm going to pitch. Look, emotions got adult. thing the text became very grown-up so maybe we just bring a grown-up solution to this grown-up tenor

what if the next time you make that trip before we start having fun and all that stuff you your friend Anna Christoph we get together we go get a pizza and we sit there and we have fake annulment paperwork that basically says

this is fun that basically says There's two lines for their signatures, and we want to be friends going forward and things got a little crazy back there. So we're going to undo the marriage that sort of fake happened, and let's just go back to being normal and fine and calm. And if both parties agree to it, with the parents being the notaries, we sign on and we move forward. I love this because what you could also do is similar to when married people with kids get a divorce, you got to be cordial for the kids. They need to be cordial for their parents. They got to be adults about it. You guys want to act like adults and get married.

Now you've got to behave like them. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of, I like that a lot because it takes it seriously and also makes it very silly. And it is both of those things. Yeah.

You kind of get to keep playing the part a little bit, but now it's kind of, we can kind of put a finer point on where it's ended. What if you guys do a version of people's court, but you do a divorce court, and you do it, at home and they each make their case and then you want one of you and your girlfriend are the judges

and so each kid takes the stand of what happened in the relationship for their point of view and you let these kids hash it out publicly what if you want to go like that well oh my god because it's just going to be so much nonsense i mean that's why i think it'll be like really really entertaining it will be like a lot of just darn absolute nonsense about what, you know, like it's, I mean, a lot of those, those text

messages are, they're on the verge of nonsense even though there's a lot of, I mean, I take them seriously, but there's a lot of feelings in there, but like, yeah. I think, it's nonsense. It is like a bit of nonsense. What do they want?

I think they, like, they wouldn't want to have it. What? He wants his girlfriend back. He doesn't want her to break up with him. He'll start changing. He'll look better. He'll text more.

They always do. He'll call. He just, he wants things as they are. The second that you say it's over, then they want everything back. Great. And I'll tell you what Anna wants. A little bit of space from Christoph. D.D., what do you think?

Yeah, I think the, I mean, the whole, the court scene asking it out, I think that won't work because they're actually hurt in their own way. So that's one. But I like Gareth, the annulment suggestion. My question would be, what would be the tone of that activity? Would it be like, this is a serious thing? You know, it's a teaching moment. Or is it going to be like, right?

Like, it was fun. It was fun game. What's your first instinct? How would you run the annulment? I make the, here's what I would do is I would make the annulment like I would really push that this is like a clean cut and like like actually you know like this is real like the game's over the we're annulling this and that and I would kind of like I would like offer that is like obviously this is not like a real solution for how to stop having hurt feelings but it at least you kind of like you bring a clean table in a like you like bring like this is like we're just like planting. a new soil here. And I really like the annulment idea. And then I would maybe say, like, does anyone have, you know, so that you guys can get off

on the right foot and, like, be friends again, you know, like, does anyone be, like, an apology? But how can you get an old and that night have a three-day sleepover? I mean, that feels like the premise of it. Yeah, we've all done. We've all annulled into a long weekend of. Isn't that what every indie movie is about is on? Yeah, totally. Budgetarily friendly.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. And then maybe in the annulment you set some goals for the weekend for how to, you know, boot up the friendship. Or maybe in the annulment you even put in. And I agree with Jenny. I think it's like they got fairly serious. So you should, I think, treat it fairly seriously.

Yeah. And maybe in the annulment there's a couple structured rules. And one is, you know, you guys are. probably be friends eventually again, but maybe we take 30 days off from texting each other. I say no texts. Yeah, no texts for a couple months. Hey, Dee-Di, I feel like what we're building towards right now is writing the annulment right now and coming up with like six rules.

And what do you think about if we as a little team here tried to put together the paperwork and the three of us were your lawyers? I like that a lot. And I think the whole activity. So followed by the annulment where, like, as an agreement, now that you're true friends, this is what you have to do in next three days. And I think it should be like, go jump on a, you know, jumping jack for five minutes. Go bake a cookie together. Like, I think you should be very, like, fun.

You want things that they have to do together to go back to be a nine and ten-year-old friends. But I think it's sort of your pitch a little bit, Jake, is kind of popped in there a little bit. Talk to me. Well, find a way to give them a. sense of they're still friends and now that we've signed off on this relationship part of this is over and again it's terrible but now that that's over now they are going to have to like do a relay race or you know play tag or you know what you could also do so first of all the first two things i wrote down here uh dd is this number one they're not allowed to text

anymore. Yep. They're texting. It got out of control. They wouldn't say this to each other's face. Two, they are no longer to play the marriage game

and they're no longer allowed to talk about being in a relationship. That is over. I think we are putting a cone of silence over the annulment. You can revisit when Anna is 18.

Yep. But there'll be no talk until them. They both have to agree to this. What do you think of those first two? Yeah, I mean, like, we don't want them to ever get

through relationship, then we can never see each other. Something goes on. But you're saying now, even them alone, and there's consequences to this, if you find out that they texted or talked about relationship, they lose their phones for two weeks. Whoa.

Yeah, I like that in the paperwork. How about this? Christoph doesn't get to play Roblox with his friends for a month. Boy, when it comes to being the lawyer of the show, you just step into the spotlight. Yeah. Thanks.

I mean, you're so comfortable in this position. Yeah. I like making deals. Yeah. And you know what? I think I am, I think I'm more of like a court, like a, like a psychiatrist. Interesting. So you want to make sure everyone's feelings are.

So with those two, Jenny, do you think both and do you work for Anna and Christoph? I guess I do. You have to work for Christoph, too. Is that what they do? Yeah, yeah, you do. I don't know. Yeah. So those two things, do you see any issue with those?

No. But, okay, well, here's my question. It's like, these are like pretty strict rules. You know, like, is that. how serious this whole thing is? Yeah. Really? Okay, okay.

I mean, I saw that, obviously, you know, I saw Anna's text. Like, you know, I said the words. I felt them. But Jenny, this is just the court talking right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our job is to make things black and white and get out of the gray. Yeah, we're not going to get into it. So, yeah, we could say it's not that big of a deal.

We can't go back in a circle and all of a sudden Anna's going, I guess I'll date you. Didi, we don't want that. We don't want that. We need an end. an end of the relationship. Yeah, and we want a period of refreshment. Yes. So that's why you have to have these boundaries.

I'm fine with it. I have something that I think. Please. I don't know if you can make a nine and a 10-year-old do this, but like it's like it's going to benefit everyone, including the two parties. If, I mean, you have to say it in a way that you can say it to kids. We're like, no shit talking.

Like, don't keep talking about this. It's over now. The past is the past. Yeah. But that's partly what the no relationship talk. Oh, that's what that is. Oh, sorry. I forgot that.

There's no going back. There's no rehashing. There's no you were a bad boyfriend. Yeah. That's over. Yeah. Ripped the Band-Aid off. That's over.

I think it's good to have them as two separate items. One is you are not allowed to be in a relationship anymore. And one is we cannot talk about this past relationship and any bad feelings that arose. No past talk. Shit talk. Gareth, what are you thinking here, King? I think these are all very good. I also, I think that after we get through,

I mean, honestly, I feel like those are pretty good. And then what I would do is I would also put sort of what you were saying before, D.D., give them an activity to do over the weekend, whether it's a group activity to sort of re-assimilate. Two-person play. They have to do it for the whole family. And it's got to be embarrassing. Or they have to do a song.

They have to do a song and a dance together so that it's really embarrassing. It's really silly. They have to practice it. If they don't pull it off by the end of the weekend, they have to work together to do it. There's a consequence. If they do pull it off, there's a big prize. We don't want to give them too much rehearsal, though,

because you know what it's like when you're rehearsing. Showmance. All of a sudden, you're fucking back. Don't do that. Breakfast with Roblox again. Oh, my God. All of a sudden, they'll remember what they love about each other. We don't want that.

I forgot you're just such a powerful performer, and then it's over. I don't like your personality, but you're great on set. But when you're in characterizing, like that is very attractive in between action and cut and just dog shit house every other moment. All right, so, but what do you think, D.D., about what we're building here? Because right now we got no texting, no relationship talk, no talk in the past, no shit talking. And then we're going towards this idea of how do we get them together doing something silly and fun

that is goofy that feels playful that by the end everybody gets to go like now it's in the past what about a scavenger hunt making them do teamwork but then something that's kind of like

alone in the backyard right right that's like hide and seek they have to hide together you're like I'm so bored in this closet you we can throw a few more of the family members into it want to wrestle a little bit like they're on a team

but everybody's doing it or is there some sort of like no I think that would be right. Two, three people a team. You do a quick little scavenger on something like that to re-entry into this. Hey, Dee Dee, you've been quiet for a minute. What are you thinking here, lady?

Yeah, I like all of them. I think the activity, I would like it to be more like a concise kind of brainless, emotionless things that 9 and 10-year-old would do. Like, go dig a hole for five minutes. That's like a weird activity. We're not going to have a dig a hole together. They already did that through text. Yeah.

But also, I don't see how that's fun for either of them. Go dig a hole. I mean, unless you have something you need, are you trying to get like the foundation changed at the location or something like that? Yeah. How about another pitch? Let's walk away from digging a weird hole in the backyard. That feels like something I would pitch.

And the fact that jakes against it should tell you a lot, D. But if I pitched out, go, tell them to dig a big hole in the backyard, which I've done in one of my backyards. When's the get together? Like, is there, is it a, is, is it a, is, is it? a seasonal thing, like, around Thanksgiving, are there decorations to be put up? That's interesting.

Yeah, it could be a fun, like, because Christmas coming up, it could be like Christmas decoration or write five Christmas cards or create five Christmas cookies or, you know, baking is a really fun one to do together. Like that. Yeah. You know what? But I also think there should be a, I like the gingerbread house, I think there should be an element of a punishment.

I'm just throwing this out there. For both? Yeah. For going off? Yeah. For acting inappropriately via text message, for texting, for taking this relationship in a negative spot and that's premature for their age and going. So with that in mind, you guys need to make 300 Christmas cookies. Oh.

Why is Christop getting punished for just saying sorry? Yeah. Because he's texting. It was Anna that was very sad. Is he not allowed to text her? Jenny doesn't think so. Go ahead, Jenny, your thoughts? Okay, I agree.

She was sassing. She was like, she, like, snapped. Like, she pushed, but this is hard. I don't, you know, I don't think that she wants to be doing that as she grows older and hopefully she finds, like, different ways to communicate. I hope so. But, like, there honestly is a part of me just being a person, you know, a war-worn heterosexual.

I'm just like, they do this, girl. Like, this is just the start. I know everything this guy's saying, and I understand how she feels. But I don't think she should have, you know, been like, look better. And she was out of 10. She hopped on that text.

She was, like, slamming. Yeah, she went. So why don't we keep what we have on the annulment list as is? And maybe that night, when you guys start to see each other or the next day, sort of to Jake's point, they have to make cookies or popcorn for everybody together. I like that.

Or a big, like, gingerbread house, something. What if they had to do, like, the show, nailed it? They have to make a big gingerbread house and present it to everybody so everybody can laugh. Get them like that little starter gingerbread house thing and have them decorated for everybody. And no one's allowed to help them. Yeah. Yeah. I like that a lot.

All right. Jenny, in closing your thoughts, you got a little quiet. Mm. Yeah, I just, I was, I really, was starting to think about those texts and I yeah I went into like a bit of it like a consideration of myself and some texts that I might have sent along the way in my experience of having a phone and being in relationships but yeah I really like all of that you know I just was thinking like I bet these guys are like going to miss each other you know

like it seems like they like they really like enjoy each other's company, right? Mm-hmm. They do. Yeah. So, like, I don't know, there's just sort of something that, like, it feels like, I wonder if you don't even be fine a way to not let them know, but you kind of keep them apart so that they sort of...

Miss each other. I think, like, then they might learn to appreciate each other. I think that's nice. What about that? Hey, Dee, Dee, what about something like this? And this is going to be, this is going to be a little bit out there, but I think we're close. No texting, no relationship. talk, no past talk.

You guys, not in the rules, but keep them separate. And then as a thing that they have to do is they need to make 10 pounds of pasta together. What? And the reason is, you can- Why does they have to run a kitchen? Because here's one. When they hear it, they're going to go like, what? How do we even do that?

But they need to make a 10-pound spaghetti dish that you can keep in the fridge in the freezer and eat all weekend. But that first night, it's so much spaghetti. so much hot water. They're so young. So much, so much. It's so unsafe. They've been in the hot water.

But then you got to go like, they got to pour it out. Then they're like, how much? And then they're like, that's only three pounds of spaghetti? 10 pounds. I don't even know what 10 pounds of spaghetti would look like. Berg knows. But it seems like a lot. But something like that that's multi-hour fun.

The parents can be, you guys can have a couple glasses of wine too. Gingerbread house will be enjoyable. Yeah, and then they get candy. Okay. Without a tomato-tom tomato kind of moment. These kids are going to get scalded. Like, they're going to full-on get like a lobster post. Or maybe we should let me see the answer.

I'm sorry. It feels like you guys are kind of trying to shit on an idea that could be good. Sorry, I have football and stuff. I can't call them to breakfast. Gingerbread house or an olives garden's worth of pasta? I think gingerbread house is better because then also we can not teach them how to waste food. Yeah, I think we all agree with that. Then, Deity, Jenny, I think that was a bad idea to do the 10 pounds of pasta.

I think that was weird of you. Yeah, I'm sorry that I came on the podcast and said that about 10 pounds of pasta for little kids to make with scalding hot water, all that. That was fucked up. I'm sorry. That was weird. I hate myself. And so, Deity, right before we go, tell us what you are going to do officially.

I am going to write this annulment paper. We're going to have a little chit-chat before the weekend starts. It's going to have something like no texting, no relationship talk, no going back. I also like the no marriage game anymore. It's over. They blew it. Yeah. And then some like maybe quick things like, you know, go build a gingerbread house.

I heard that's like watch. Me too. Real weird stuff to mom. Real weird stuff last minute. We're not, we're ending the calls, so we're not going to open it up. Let her go. Go build a ginger penis in the breast house. Go build a ginger breast penis.

With you, my little best friends can't have babies and then we're all together. What is happening? Let's get out of this call. That was a terrible thing. She was just almost through the agenda. Ginger Brast house. Yeah. Talk about little kids.

Yeah. So, D.D., will you do us a favor? Will you send us? photos of the annulment when it's all signed and then follow up with us? We're short of ginger breast house. Oh my God. Ginger breast house is such a funny.

Hi, I'm having a holiday party. You might come over a little bit earlier to help me squeeze together my ginger breast house. It's sadded with gum drops. You know what Christoph is, yeah, sorry. be there. I'll be there. Sorry, I'll do better.

I'll look nicer. If I can just play your gingerbreadst house. Gingerbreast house. I'll come back to my life. Do you, thank you for a call. We appreciate you. We appreciate you. We'll follow up with us, okay?

Bye, Dedi. All right, bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Do you like building websites, Elizabeth? Yeah. Do you know an easy place where you could build a website? Squarespace.

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Hi, hello. Hello? How are you? Hey, so good. Thanks for asking. How are you? Good. Thanks for being positive.

It's a heck of a start. Can we get your name, please? Yeah. My name is Patrick, but most people call me Patty Gee. Patty G. It's a hell of a start. Patty G. I'm liking a lot.

And we're off. And where are you calling from, Patty G? I am calling from Dublin, Ireland. Whoa. Get the fuck out. I don't really hear the accent, my man. Well, I'm Canadian. Ah.

Okay. So you're here with there. My wife is Irish. That's cool as hell. You're here with Gareth. We've been calling him Gigi lately, or Gigi. Please. And then we've got a special guest.

The very talented Jenny Slate is joining the pod, Patrick, aka Patty G. So you're a lucky man. Hi. Crazy. And I realized we didn't give you a proper intro in that first one, Jenny, because we just started moving fast. I don't think she ever got. I just popped right on. I got excited to see you.

So for her, she just went. There was a woman named Jen. Yeah. When she listens back, she's going to go like, oh, that's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Patrick, what's going on, you Canadian in Dublin? So basically, I'm going to try and keep this as concise as possible. So my wife and I, we moved into this place in March. And basically, the way that it works is we're upstairs, we're on the upstairs flat of this house,

and we have neighbors down below us and that will kind of come back in a little bit but basically our downstairs neighbor is really lovely it's a Ukrainian mother and her daughter they are refugees that moved here I think a year or two ago and yeah we get along with them very well sometimes yeah they're very nice

sometimes they knock on our door and bring us sweets sometimes we do the same for them but the way that I love that I love that. Yeah, for all of you. Yeah, thank you. I'm going to unsurprisingly be on the other side of the fence on that one, Jenny.

What side? I don't want a knock on the, when I first moved in, there was a knock on the door, and an older woman brought cookies, and I thought, get out of here. It's crazy. Because that's why you just need your space? Yeah, because it was also a look.

Oh, what did you guys do to the place? Rosemary's baby. Because we bought the place. Right. Take your little butterscotch. get that's a wild reaction to someone bringing your cookies yeah so keep going

I'm not very friendly yeah yeah yeah so basically so basically the way our layout I sent some pictures but the way that our house is connected is there's this little ante room like a little sliding glass door and so there's a door on the left to their house which is downstairs and there's a door on the right to our upstairs

So it's basically just glass sliding doors. Yeah, yeah, basically. Okay. With a little, yeah. Oh, I get it. Yeah. So other than kind of, you know, the trading of sweets every once in a while, then we didn't really have too much contact with them until about like a month ago,

we got a dog. And so we asked them, you know, is it okay, we'll have a little puppy dog that's going to be barking a lot. They were like, yeah, we love dogs. So we got the dog and they love, they really like this dog. And so we've been seeing our neighbors a lot more recently, which is really nice. We've been getting to know them, getting to know their story, all that kind of stuff. And then about three, four days ago, then my wife was out with the dog and was about to come inside and opens a glass sliding door.

And our neighbor pops her head out of her door and basically puts down these two dormats right in front of our. doors and says same style if that's okay so the reason that this is weird is because when we first moved in then they weren't matching at all they were totally different and both of them were really old and mangy looking and basically um so we my wife and I were like let's get a new one we got a new one and then yeah like a month later around the same time that we got the dog um a month later our neighbor puts down these two dormats okay hold We're looking at the original dormant. It's just a regular old door mat.

A little bit of a weird stain, yeah. Oh, I see. Really old. Okay. Our super cool new dormit. You got this new one. You got this new one. We really like the new one.

Yeah. Like my wife was super excited about it. She's like, it's a new dormant. People are going to come visit our house and be like, wow, it's a nice dormant. All right, Patty, what's going out? What's the problem here? Oh, and then it changed it. I see.

Yeah. So quickly, just. Just to anyone listening, it's like their apartment doors are right next to each other. There's a little entryway after a glass door that they share. And so their doors are next to each other. So now there's two matching doormats in front of each door that's right next door to each other. But they took one, the new one you had was like black and white with kind of weird designs. Cool.

Cool. Cool pattern. Kind of a sort of a diamond pattern, but it's not. black and white very sharp a little 80s maybe high contrast a little but your wife loved that one she likes this one she picked it up herself

and then show us the new one again our neighbor yeah the neighbor switched it to these kind of 70s not even switched it just put it it right down right on top of our new one it looks like it's on top I can see the black underneath the new one is like

sort of stripes of browns and like wine tones yeah it's aggressive With white in between, yeah. And so this is really weird stuff, Patty. What is the question? It is. It's weird stuff. So basically we kind of, like, my wife told me about this experience.

I was like, that's pretty weird. I don't know what to do. I know the perfect people to call, though. You're right. And so basically my question then is how, like we've just spent money on this new door mat. How do we get our original new dormant back on display? That's a good question and it's a good setup, Patty,

and it's really weird stuff, and they're totally out of line. Agreed. They are. I appreciate it. This is madness. If somebody, you don't think so, Jenny, that we're doing this. I completely agree. No, my face is like, I can't imagine a situation.

What is so bad? No, no, no, no. I think it's very strange to make an assumption like that. Agreed. You create a really awkward zone where you're like, that apparently, I'm sure they thought they were just doing something nice. But this is why. You say no to cookies in the first place.

I see. I really hate that that has worked. But this is why, Patty, because you go, we're all friendly. I'm going to ask about the dog, okay. And then they go, I hate your doormat. And you go, well, it's not your house. Yeah. So the question is now and now, very similar to our last one.

We can't talk about the past relationship. We can't shit talk. Right. Right. So now we got to move forward. So what we can't do is we don't want a war with them because you got a dog. It's going to be barking. It's going inside and out.

You don't want your life to turn into war of the roses with this people. As well, I mean, of course they want peace. I mean, they're fucking refugees. So they're not looking to enter in sort of any door conflict. It is poking. Yeah. It is a move, no doubt. And I don't agree with it.

You guys think it's a move? You think it's a move? No. I think it's more they like the look of this and didn't like the other one. They didn't like the other one. They didn't like the other one. that was ugly to look at these are pretty to look at

let's just look at these what do you think who's you oh you Jenny oh me yeah Jenny was Jenny was making a big face there I was yeah okay because like

and I feel like I go through this in my life I don't think of myself as like incredibly passive or submissive but I I'll deal with conflict if it's there but I also think like there's way too much people freaking out about stuff

where you could kind of probably just like eat a little bit of shit. Totally. And I sort of, I feel like if it were me, I would either not say anything or I would fake a spill. That's a great pitch. Like fake a paints spill. Not like a soup spill, but either dog poop, oh my God, our dog, our dog's milk shake.

Our dog spilled his milkshake on this. You know, like, yeah, like something that is just like this thing was ruined. It was so nice of you to think of us. Luckily, actually we loved our first one anyway. Yeah, but like we can't fix it. It's ruined. So they see it too. Oh, yeah, yeah, you've got to let them see it.

And then try cleaning it so it smears worse. And then leave that for a day and then leave a note. Thanks for it. We're just going back to the other one. This one got destroyed. Yeah. And then maybe mentioned it kind of cat. Like, and you know, oh, gosh, it's such a bummer, but like, I guess I loved this one anyway.

So, like, I think we're good. I would do it via note on the door. Oh, you're going to do a note. I would do the, this got destroyed via pay, erg, uh, all good. We love the, we love the original one. Thanks so much. Darn it. Darn it.

I would do that vibe. Gareth, what are you thinking? I love it. I was going to say move the original one in between the doormats, because there is room and play a little chess. Oh. But I really like the spill. I think the spill is good.

I will say, though, I don't know if we do a note. Just, this doesn't mean a lot to us. I know, but let me pitch on this spill. Spill on theirs. Oh. Here's what. So here's one. So sorry.

I was walking with. My dog, my dog had diarrhea all over your mat. My bad, just take ours instead. Don't hate it. Then you give yours to them. Throw theirs out. You keep your original. I like it.

I would not put it on the dog. I think we want to keep the dog pure. Spilled a milkshake. I do like maybe spilling on theirs. Here's the zone I think we're kind of leaning in that I think is right. I think we do this slate. I think we spill something on it, either yours or theirs, doesn't matter. Just do yours, keep it easy, try to clean it, leave it there.

And then either in person say, hey, spilled on it. We'll just go back to the original one. We loved that one anyhow. But I just wanted to say, thanks so much for buying it. But I got to get rid of it because I spilled some paint. If they buy you another one, you got to call in. And then that's a different thing. Then we go back.

Okay. I don't think they buy another one. That's such a move. that they might suspect you spilled the paint, but you're living in such a crazy world that they go, I don't know. Yeah. They moved a piece, you moved to peace.

You know, you could always do something like damage it in a different way, but still with us. Like you know when, like bleach or like cleaners, like you know when like if the dog pee's on the rug, they're like, test an area of the fabric to make sure it doesn't like mess with it. You could really like just bleach it. And then it's just like it's ruined.

because you don't want to, like, ruin it not enough. How about this? Throw them all out. Dick, it's nuclear. How about this? They come in, when they bring it up, deny. They go, hey, did you throw it the mats? Did you go?

But the thing is, I think that I think you do want to draw a little bit of a line here. I know I've seen those mats. So I like the paint. I would maybe say to them, hey, we're doing a little painting if you, like, so we might be sanding. You might hear some. noise upstairs, clank around apologies. Four days later, paint mat, I agree, show your work, the mat's now outside, and then a couple

days later, the mat's just gone. And I would just see what they say. That's a, it's very good, we're very close to finish. I just want to throw out some other stuff, because you did bring something, Gareth, I liked a lot. What about taking one of them off and using the mat they got for the front door? So it's a three mat room. So the...

The main entrance gets the wine-colored 70s one. Their door gets the wine-colored 71. Your door goes for the 80s diamonds. Or you could just move the one your wife got to where the front-door mat is and just see what happens. That's interested. Move the black and white one to the glass door? Yes.

So that it's a set of where, yes. So that we're saying, hey, love the wine mats. Let's move black and white mat here in the shirts and just see if they. get rid of that one by the door. Yeah, like, do they get a third? Are they like... Are they... Because then they're making a real play.

Are they now activated again? Yeah. Here's another move. Put some really ugly artwork on the wall. And if they go, can we take that down? You go, yeah, can we get rid of these mats? There's options. That's an option.

Put a photo of you and your wife on the wall on like just you guys and the dog so they walk and they go like ugh why don't I see that like a skeleton on the chair like a Halloween skeleton on the chair

let's see what that does yeah there's a lot of good options here doesn't feel like that's how you feel no but I think he's just a quiet guy I learned that in his intro so Patty I do agree with you I think there are a lot of good ideas here

so why don't you tell us what you're going to do here then I do think that the spill could be a good idea Okay. I think it's very feasible. Like, you know, I think paint might be a bit of a stretch. It's definitely something we could do, but I think like a milkshake or like maybe like accidentally drop a bottle of wine

and it smashes all of a lot already one. Oh, by the way, glass, you go like, there's little shards of glass. I dropped a bottle of wine and got on it. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

I mean, you're wiping your feet. You know what, yeah. Yeah. You got a dog. You don't want glass. So, Patty, walk us through what you're actually going to do now. And if it's going to be wine, milkshake, what are you going to do in real life here, man? Man, that's the question, isn't it?

I think I think I'm really leaning towards either milkshake or wine. I think the wine bottle would be good because it would be more, like, the glass is also very good. Like the little glass shards embedded in the mat. Yeah, it would be a hazard to our puppy. And you leave a note saying, and that's a very real one. I dropped a bottle of wine, but what do you think of, Jenny? Are you going to pre-break it? Because, like, if you act, you know, I don't think you break it.

I think if you wait until they're out, you fake break, and then you leave a note, and you say, hey, I got it all up, but I'm going to do another vacuum tomorrow to make sure there's no glass. Most of it was on mine. Yeah, most of it on mine, but just be careful just for the next day. Super sorry. Yeah, but keep an eye. I don't think any of the wine splattered on yours, but it destroyed mine. Then the mat's outside for a day with the spill.

We're showing our work. Okay, and then the next day it's gone. And leave a little bit of wine in the corners that you forgot to clean. I was just going to say that. I was trying to say, like, you know, in the staircase when they have those like splatter experts for the blood, which is totally crazy. But I think, yeah, you have to have. a little splatter. Like little wine splatters.

Let's go further in the, say an owl hit you. And that's why you dropped it. Yeah. No, I also like maybe a wine stained towel in the corner, you know. Really? Let's lay the lie up.

All right, Patty. So walk us through what you're going to do here. Let's all close our eyes unless you're driving and let's picture what you're going to do. And what time of day are you going to do this? How are you going to pull this up? How do you know they're not going to be home? You sure there's not a camera there?

Do they have a ring camera? Oh. Definitely no camera. Definitely no camera. Okay. So I think, yeah, so I think we'll probably, because we're on the, on the top level, then we kind of have an advantage, we can kind of see when they're coming and going. Hell yeah.

So I've already got a half open bottle of wine. Great. So I think, you know, I see them leave whenever. Like, it could be any time of day. But once they're gone, you know, the daughter's in school most of the day. Great. And so once the mom leaves, then meet downstairs. Let's go time.

And perform a little wine bottle smashing experiment. And set up a little fake murder scene. Clean it up. I go through the experience. This is going to work for you. Yeah. It's like, yeah. This is going to work.

Hey, will you do us a favor? Patty, will you, Patty G? You don't seem like a Patty G to me. Oh, okay. That's all right. Perfect. See, that's not the responsibility. a Patty G.

A Patty G would go, I'm a Patty G. That's a Patrick. Yeah. Or even a Patty. That's a Patty. Maybe. I could be wrong.

Yeah. I've been wrong. A lot of my life. I picked doing 10 pounds of pasta on the last one. That I thought that was going to get a lot of excitement. I thought that was going to be a fun. Two kids cooked 10 pounds of pasta was in Jake's head. Not only that,

he fought for it. Then he blamed it on me. That was crazy. Yeah. That was desperation. That was desperation. Got out of control. That was emotional problems.

Oh, my God. But Patrick, Patty, here's what I'm thinking, what I would love you to do. Can you film you doing the red wine spilling and cleaning just on your phone for us? Cool. I will. Absolutely. And then we can post that. Because I think that could be really fun.

Yeah. Seeing the result would be really appreciated. And I think you're going to get out of this, man. I think that this is really, my only fear is my wife won't want to do this. You don't have to tell her. Don't tell her. Oh. Don't tell her, no.

Don't tell her, my man. Just do it. Sometimes you've got to go in the back alley and kill the animal because the animal's threatening the house, but nobody wants to know you went in the back alley and killed the animal. But they do want the animals. It's a very staircase now. Yeah.

You're right. So there's an owl attack at your family. Your wife goes, I don't know what to do. You go like this. I'm going to go for a walk. Get the real owl. I think you're not. Just be prepared to handle this if it goes nuclear.

If you don't involve the wife, she's going to be like, this is your problem now. I agree. But then you call us. That's why you got us. If your wife nixes it, call back and let's have a pitch with her. But I really... You think you should tell the wife. I mean, it's just, you know what I mean?

If you're going to... I think wives absolutely hate being lied to. And you got to... You know, there's a million movies about a guy that was like, I'll just fucking handle this. And then, like, they never do. And then they're so stressed out. and their wife's like, you're acting weird

and they keep acting weirder because they have to, you know. Because I spilled wine on the fucking thing. I'm going to make 10 pounds of pasta, lady. Yeah, come on. Great, I agree. So I think you got to tell your wife. Tell your wife if she's not into it.

Maybe you guys both call back and we'll try to convince her. I like that. Me too. And then if that happens, we'll try to schedule with you too, Jenny. If you can't, you can. But if you can, we would love to have you.

I'd love it. And Patty, please follow up with us, man. But I think now the next step is you've got to tell your wife. Okay, yeah. And if you want to do it on air, we could do it with her. We don't hit that either. You want to do it together as a team or you want to do it alone? Do I want to have the conversation with her with you guys?

In real time with us or do you want to talk to her first? I will talk to her first. Okay. And then let us know what happens. Yeah. Yeah, we'll do it over some line. Yeah. Patty, thank you for the call.

Jenny, you're the best. Thank you for joining us. Thank you, Jenny. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Patty. And you are a Patty G. I was wrong. Yeah, yeah. I'm a G.

The ending got very Patty G to me. Yeah, I agree. Oh, awesome. He got more Irish as it went on, too. It was strange. Hello, my name is Kevin, a big fan of the pod, and I was listening to today's episode and stopped after the intro to send this voice note to say,

great choice, Gareth, on your vasectomy. I got one when I was 39. great decision. I can say without hyperbole that dental work is more invasive than a vasectomy. It hurts for a little bit afterwards, and then it's fine. And then you don't have to worry about unwanted pregnancies or other stuff. And it just makes life so much easier when it comes to bedroom activities. And also, you know, it shows that you're taking responsibility for your side of birth control, which is something that not enough men do. So great job. Hope it goes really well for you. I know it will. Congratulations. More people should get them. If you're sure you

don't want kids, get a vasectomy. It's the right thing to do. Hey guys. This is Andy in Minnesota. I just listened to your pod on January 5th and I heard Gareth's big news and just wanted to call in with a little bit of advice from someone who's already had it done. Make sure your doctor uses enough local anesthetic. When I got my vasectomy, the anesthetic wore off partway through, and it was very unpleasant. So just a little thing to, you know,

maybe add some anxiety to it all. Hope that helps so much, and good luck, Gareth. Have a good one. Hey, what's up? We are herdos. This is Yael in San Francisco. Gareth is talking about getting a vasectomy.

I've been looking into getting a vasectomy. Jake says a bunch of us should get vasectomies this year. I say, if we're all doing this together, it should be in March. This is traditionally the most popular month to get snipped here in the U.S. so that you can take time off work to watch March Madness Basketball. Some urology clinics even call it Vass Madness. I know I would do it at that time so I can watch my St. Mary's Gales uninterrupted. And Gareth, if you need a vasectom,

Give me the word. I'll be in L.A. the next day. All right. Never forget where the hot dogs are. Peace. Hey, y'all. My name is Rabin. I'm a urologist who works in Northern California. So I am a doctor who does vasectomies and was inspired to send in a voice note in response to Gareth's vasectomy journey. So congrats. Very happy for you. I will say that I have wanted to call in for a while now, because there's been quite a few urology topics on the show. Going all the way back to the question about the twin brother's circumcision, y'all discussed a penis pump, a penile implant. You also talked about there was a guy who had to get circumcised, I think, for fertility issues in the UK. And

Anyway, so I'm finally sending in a message and let me just say, number one, Gareth, you're going to be fine. The vasectomy is an incredibly safe procedure. I'm happy to talk to you about it in more detail. I don't think I'd be able to, I'm assuming I wouldn't be able to do your procedure myself due to insurance issues. but there are a ton of well-qualified and very experienced urologists in Southern California that can help you out. I will say that in California, depending on your insurance, there is a 30-day waiting period. So after you have your first visit and you kind of talk about what to expect, you have to sign a

piece of paper, and then you have to wait to get that procedure done 30 days after. it really depends on the insurance some physicians and some practices depending again on your insurance don't require that so just a heads up in terms of your timing I know you travel a lot I'd also like to volunteer myself to be the show's urologist not that I want any of you to be my patients necessarily but happy to provide insight or to be your consultant when it comes to a lot of these questions that involve genitalia or, you know, bladders, kidneys, whatever. Yeah, I have been laughing along with y'all for, I guess, three seasons now.

And if you do need any sort of professional insight, I'm here for you, even though y'all seem to be doing pretty well without it. I enjoy the show so much. It gets me through really long days. and please keep doing what you're doing. Love you guys. Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at

HelpfulPod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis Associate producer Jesse Thurston

editing mix and master by Chris Fowler Theme song by Oliver Raleigh The cover artwork is by James Fostike Animations by Andrew Strelicki And if you'd like to see Gareth who stand up on the road Go to Gareth Reynolds.com Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only

and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions All video episodes of season one are available now on patreon and season two video episodes will be available every monday starting january 20th go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod