We're Here to Help - 249: Dr Big Sack & Margaritaville Jr

Episode Date: January 12, 2026

Gareth and Jake help a nurse shield her patients from an unfortunate office bulge. Then, they franchise a beloved Key West staple in a bayou backyard. Plus, the follow-up from Ep 217 "Why The Stinkeye, Stinkeye?"See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-249Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. And back. Okay, so now we've got some news about your testicles. Okay, good. Nice, very casual switch. Gareth, we've had 14 people who want to be vasectomy brothers. Wow. And that's wild.

This has been, it aired yesterday. Yeah, it's 24 hours in. 14. So here's what Natalie and I, who have been texting a bunch about it want to do. Natalie, you can chime in. I love that you guys have been texting about my testicles so much. That's awesome. I do make it all about me.

You love it. Remember how I told you why he likes this? Look at how happy he is. Oh, stop. Go on, though. Take your time. Natalie wrote. Go slow.

She wrote, I think it's funny that you're planning, let me see what you wrote. Natalie, she wrote, I like how you orchestrate all of this without ever volunteering yourself or giving an opinion on it for. yourself. I think we should try to get as many people who want to do a vasectomy same week as Gareth and have people send in voice notes of their experience. See how many we can get snipped as a community. And she wrote, yeah, that sounds fun.

Then she wrote that and I go, I'm just producing episodes. And she goes, yes, but it is funny that Gareth never turns it around on you. You know, but Jake, would this not be option A? This is what happens. This is what happens. said. This is what happens. Same as the tattoo bet you made years ago.

Yeah, exactly. I just, I don't know. It's with him specifically. Why are you going to turn it back on Jake when you get all the attention? That's what this is. I agree. Well, because he turns it back. Maybe.

I don't know. Because I wrote, no. He also won't be game for, I know that like he wouldn't have gotten his asshole whack. Well, you're right. I wrote ha, ha, ha, ha, totally. And I go, no, he loves the attention. And then she wrote 14 people so far that want to action. to get snipped with Gareth.

It's crazy. I'm going to go in the inbox. Yeah. And so, so Gareth, here, one of the callers that were airing it

after Wednesday's episode emailed in, and I emailed him back and asked him to do a voice note. He had a great idea and said, a lot of people do this during March madness,

and it's a thing. And it's called, like he named it something like, I don't remember what it is. I'm not going to guess. Yeah, You know what I'm talking about Natalie. Yes, yes, yes.

But it was like a term. Vesecta madness, maybe. Vesecta madness. And it's because you're supposed to take a couple of days and just relax. So they schedule it around a day where there's games all day. So that you're, yeah. You're off work. All you have to do is sit around and relax.

We've also gotten a lot of emails from people, women specifically thanking you, saying they're happy that a man is taking responsibility. for contraception. And so it's, you're saying like, hey, I'm half responsible. I never saw that side of it, but that's cool. Well, honestly, the first time when I told you

I wanted to shoot something about it was right when Rovers Way got overturned. Right. Because it is, I don't know. I just, to me, I'm like... It should be. Yeah, we don't need. All these men are so mad about all this shit.

Then fucking get snipped. Yes. And what everybody's saying is, We've got a bunch of people emailing in going like, it's really not a big deal. It's one woman, we have a urologist who will answer any calls. She actually wants to be the show's urologist. By the way, I think we're ready to anoint.

Yeah, for sure. There's not a heavy competition. It's less evasive than like going to the dentist. Well, remember that guy? I sent you that mess, that screen. Some guy DM me, and he wrote, No scalpel vasectomy. Check it out.

I was busting again four days later. We did get an email from someone that has a proprietary method to it. I don't love to. We don't want any. Nobody who would be on our Shark Tank episodes. Yeah, there's Natalie. I've got the best way to snip you. I'm not to snip, baby.

This is from John Paul McLean, 45 Seattle area, Scorpio, and due for his first colonoscopy. How do you not trust this again? By the way, what? Is that a Tinder profile? But by the way, he's going to. love the drug. The best part of that colonoscopy. Adios amigo. I got to get one. Maybe I'll do the same day. I'll go both sides. You're going to love the colonoscopy, babe. Don't ever do that again.

Dude, when I got mine, they put the mask on me. I went like this. It's not going to work. I got an intense brain. It doesn't go to... Oh. 20 minutes later, I'm opening my eyes in another room with a wet butt. That's not what this intro is about. I'm sorry. You're telling us that's not what this is about. Yeah, we know Wet butt. By the way, new nickname. I maybe. Hate it.

Very accurate. Maybe wet butt. Hate it. Hate it, can't fight it. If a shoe fits kind of vibe. As Eric would say, you broke it, you bought it. But so here's what I'm hoping for for vasectomy in March.

We'll go around your shooting, your touring schedule. Okay. We'll find out how many days we need to do. Uh-huh. what do we all think is a number of other people who do it who release a voice note and send it to us? What's an impressive number of people that this community...

14 is good, but I mean... I'm way more ambitious than that. This is what I think to lean into what some of the people were saying, the idea that we can make like a vasectomy day for when we say on this show, look, you know, we've got contraception is... Let's go. It's a guy's problem too.

Yes, yes. You don't want a baby, you don't want to deal with all the shows. shit all this abortion fight people are saying you can't get an abortion hey you know what guess what don't boo snip don't boo snip wet butt you've done it again or how about this don't post

like don't post snip oh don't boo sniff is pretty good snip is pretty good don't boo snip you know what we can do if you how about this and the show how about the show pays for this gareth if you okay that if you go on the day that gareth goes to get a

vasectomy, we will send you a hat that says, don't boo, Snick. Yes. Yes. You have to send the note and send us an email of the proof that you did it, the receipt, and a voice note. We will do a day at the end. On a Friday, we'll release on a

Friday, just voice notes. Yes, and that'll be the only thing these guys are releasing. Yes. I like that. I think that's great. But let's see if we can get 50, 100. Yeah, 50 is an ambitious number. Okay. Let's go. Go for 50 vasectamates.

So we are looking for in Mark, right now we have 14. Vesectomates. 50 men who want to get a vasectomy on the same day or week that Gareth gets it. What we are asking you to do is make a voice note after. Explain the process, maybe make one before. One before. And one after. Yes.

Then what we're going to do is. During if you can. If you do it, we will air. We will have a Friday episode on Not Weird One, just a random Friday. And all it'll be is it'll start up. Gareth and I will do a big intro talking about his. And then we will spend a nice chunk on that. Then we'll just say everybody's voice notes.

I love it. And this should be annual. We'll have the urologist on. She'll come on. We'll bring her on that episode too to talk about it a little bit. Should we bring peepee and scatter just for fun? Possibly. Maybe for towards the end.

Yeah, I mean, honestly. It'll turn into concerts. Oh, I love that for you. That's great. And I also don't want to hear Steve say a million times. This is the greatest, this is it. And then go, would you do it? Not for me.

So why did you say it was so great? Okay, just at the end. I just really want to hear them. Fine. Yes. I agree. That's how we end it. So we do the intro with Gareth and I, and the urologist, comes at the end.

This is awesome. We do all calls. And then at the end, we do a chat with Gareth. myself, Scatter and pee-p. Or, you know what I really should say? What? Street drugs.

Wet butt, pee-pee and scatter. Okay, I know. So, guys, we're going to get off right now, but email in if you're really going to do it as a guy. We are looking for 50. If we get more, I'll talk to Leah today. We'll make hats.

If you do it, get it. If you just want to buy a hat, we'll put it up there too. And so... Don't boost snip is great. Don't boo, snip. Okay, everybody. There we go. Wow.

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We're fresh off of the helpies. We're hot. Jake's fried on coffee. What is your name? Where are you calling from? And what can we do for you? Oh, my God. Okay.

Amazing helpies. My name is Vicki. I'm calling from New York, Queens area. I'm 32 years old. Vicki, what can we do for you? What's going on? Okay. I do.

I'm in need of desperate help. And honestly, you're my only hope. So I work in a pediatric office. The staff is primarily women. There are two men. So I'm calling about one doctor. He's been there for a million years. And I need you guys to help me figure out a way to police his clothing and attire choices.

So more often than not, I'll just cut to the chase. This man's literal ball sack is on full display. Through his pants. The scrubs are tight. There's not a day when the sack isn't out to play. We know no peace. Gareth is wearing really tight pads. Can't see anything.

But do you want to present? No bulge, nothing. You don't want to present sack. I know, but you want to present something. I'd rather. You don't want to present male Barbie doll. Not male Barbie doll, but I would not be going like looking like a bullfrog about to rib it. If you had a big sack, you would.

Are you big sack? What's going on? I'm like you. You Santa? If I had one? You got a big sack? If I had one. Big Red Sack.

I had one. Fuck. I'd be wearing the tightest. Sacks. I'd rather it be a Barbie doll situation, honestly. Okay. I mean, the man scrubs are tight. So what is, what do we call in Dr. Big Sack?

I think we got his name. We don't need to hear. Dr. Gene. Dr. Gene. I choose Dr. Big Sack. And how old is he? What are we dealing with here?

I've got a lot of sack. Yeah, it's going to be tough. It's going to be a tough one, boy. He's in his 60s. Yeah, that's where I figured. He's in a 60s, and I do also want to say that this is like a regular daily thing. He is man spreading. It's fully out.

He's man spreading in his doctor's chair. Again, it's a pediatric office, whatever. I also want to specify that this isn't just about the pants. When we do like fun, Halloween or other events that wear, or other events, whatever, Other days where we're dressing up in costume, it's also interesting costume situations as well. There's one day that he wore a one-zie. He definitely wasn't wearing an undershirt. And his nipples were pointing all over the office.

It's ridiculous. There is most recently on Halloween, he got the tightest pants I've ever seen on a man. He actually had to take them off at one point and changed back into his scrubs because he thought they were going to rip. And when he reached up, his little belly was hanging out. Let me ask you a question, Vicki. Just so we get a sense of Dr. Jean. And your guess is he doing this on purpose? Or is this a perfect?

No. No, no, no, no. I do want to specify that he is fully unaware of this situation. He is like a very innocent man. He's, you know, kind of just completely unaware of what's happening. He doesn't think about his body as a sexual object. No, but it's weird that there's nipples, there's tummy, there's balls. Then get it.

I get it. He just doesn't, he's just like not rating the room. One last thing that I want to say is that it's noticeable to parents as well. So there was one day specifically that he was wearing a one ball during Halloween. It was very tight. I mean, the nipples were one thing.

I mean, it was just maybe also like baby camel toe as well. It was a situation. But there was a mom. We'll never forget it. We talk about it all the time at work. She came in, she literally shook her head, and she said, well, I never thought I'd see that in a pediatric office and walked away. So what have you guys done, Vicki?

We've done nothing. We just talk about it. And we sometimes will change the background of like our little I message to I message text thread as like a picture of him and his costume. So we've done nothing about it because it's just been kind of an unsolvable issue. I do want to say that, you know, this isn't like HR worthy. It's just like, come on, dude, what are you doing? Right. So we have to find a way for Dr. Gene to realize that men's bodies can be seen through clothes and it's gross.

It does feel like a Pigley and Moe potential situation, but I'm not going there. They're gone. But something in the world to let him know comedically that you're showing him. him something that he goes, oh, this is like me. What's his sense of humor like? He's a sensitive man. It's not great. He always are.

He is, I would say, one of the more dramatic individuals in our office of full of women. And he is not, he is like, just to give you an idea of who he is, he's like his parent's baby boy. he doesn't have, you know, a significant other or kids. And he's just kind of like a Peter Pan man a little bit. When you said I get it, you could be described as your mom's baby boy. I meant, to be clear, I did mean I get what she's saying. Not here, Dr. Jr.

Certainly I'm not trying to show tummy. That's the least offensive thing he shows. Murch. Can I ask one question very quickly, Vicki? When you say you're seeing his. balls. You're, you're,

you're just seeing a large ball bulge. You're not ever seeing, like, skin. Oh. It's not wearing glass pants. No. We're not seeing skin.

Thank God. I would definitely call HR for that one. Okay. He's in a mini skirt with no underpants, Gareth. I wasn't sure if Halloween we're seeing maybe a little bit of the side. Side sack?

Oh, like short shorts? Yeah. Doctor's office? Okay. I got you. No, it's not short shorts.

And he's a sensitive person. It's not easy. But we have to alert him. Yeah, it's not an easy one. And you've never, you haven't, all you ladies, does the other doctor gossip about him too? Yes. So everybody in the office will go like, Jesus, you guys see Gene's dick again or jeans balls again? And everyone will go like, gross.

You have a comment section, a box? No, we don't. Create one, a fake one. And then the first day go, we can. got four things saying we just saw Dr. Gene's balls in his pants. Can we please wear loose? We love him as a doctor.

Hate seeing his nipples and his balls and go, everybody, let's just read these independently. Let's not do it for shame. And then go, he goes, there was five notes about my balls. Is anyone else

seen this and go, yeah? You know, here's the right off the bat, comment box feels helpful to me because like when the mom when the mom was saying something

that's helpful but you can't you're not going to be in a pediatric hospital, you know what I mean? You can't be approached these people to be like on your, we're here to help team. So anonymous comment box if it's about something else. I have an idea.

Go. Anonymous voicemail box. We do the voices of the kids. I really like the pediatrician but I think I saw his sack. I saw the doctor's balls. Beep. Why does the doctor have mommy nipples? I was wondering why the doctor has a bulge. We do photos of fat baby and baby ginger. You're crashing from coffee now. Pictures of dolls? These are the children who reported you. You got reported by these two.

Those are dolls. What do you think of a comment box? We can't do the voice notes. I love the voice notes. Honestly, I, if we, if I could, I don't, I don't love the comment box because I do think it's going to open up a can of worms. You know what I actually could do? Wait, Vicki, are you serious?

You like the calls? I do. I just, I want to know if there's a way that we, okay, so like, I didn't want to, like, put in too much information, just in. in case, but like, so I'm on management team. So, like, I'm kind of, like, administrative management. He is obviously a doctor. So he, you know, they have their own clinical, you know, board that they report to.

So the suggestion box would not be great. However, I do when there's an emergency, like we do get recording. Yes, Vicki, I got a pitch. Voicemail. Vicki, I got a pitch. We'll do it right now. I'll leave a message as a dad calling in

about something I witnessed and you send it to him go I just got this this could be really bad I'll do one Gareth will do one we can get Berg to do one we can get Eric to do one I could ask

cat to do one we can get a few people to do them and then you could take all five of them six of them and decide if you want to show him all of them or just one of them and say hey these first started coming in

I didn't give it any thought. We've got a bunch of complaints and just want to send it your way. And we should probably, we should probably correct this situation, yeah. What do you think, Vic? I honestly think that I love that because I think I could also wait until, which, by the way, won't be long, wait until it's like a particularly prominent fact day. and then I can start filtering them through one by one and then just be like, hey, this is kind of weird.

Is this crazy? This message that I just got, that's so weird. Let me ask you a question. But let me ask you a question, Becky. Let me ask you a question. What if he said, which parents are these? Yeah, that's my concern. What I would say is nobody, you know, they're being anonymous.

Nobody wants to have a fucking ball conversation with this guy. That's interesting. Just be like it's anonymous. Yeah, I could say from a private number. This was from a private number. Yeah. But then I don't think we do six or seven. I think I do one and Gareth does one.

But then we could give her a couple more to hold on to. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, if we, like, I think Natalie or also like a woman doing it. You know, let's start with Natalie because Gareth and I will yuck it up a little bit. Wait, I don't know what I'm doing. Well, we'll explain it. Yeah, we'll give it. So, Vicki, if this works, will you show it to the doctor?

Yes. Okay. So here's what you're doing, Natalie. You took your kid to this pediatrician, and the doctor who came in was wearing scrubs, and through his scrubs, they were little tight. You could see his ball sack. And you're just calling in anonymously to say, he's not a bad guy. How about we also say?

But this is a little weird, and could you maybe? And you deserve to know. And you deserve to know. You noticed it, which was one thing, but your kid brought it up on the ride home. And so maybe this is something you guys want to know and correct. And if you don't care, you don't care, but it's a little bit uncomfortable for you. So we're saying this is a voicemail. Yes, it's a voice note at the reception.

Vicki, is that what we're saying? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I think that's great. And then also, I just want to say that I work in an area where everyone is really like, like very passive aggressive bitchy.

So, and I think Natalie would be probably perfect for taking that persona on and I mean that in the highest compliment. So, you mean you look at a, what a Vicky attack. That was a Vicki attack.

Sickum, Vickham. Yeah. Sikim Vickham is right. She knows it's a compliment. Thank you for the compliment. But I actually feel that I'm, I'm quite direct. I'm very much not passive.

I think you can handle this. So Vicky, we now need the doctor. real name which we will beep out yep yes okay so that's gonna be dr. okay so now Natalie you get the assignment you're calling this anonymously this is not a formal complaint this this happened about a month ago you've been thinking about it a lot your kids brought it up a couple times I wouldn't push too much of that I would make it very real but it's just a little bit and you just felt that they should know

This is meant for Dr. Gene, I'm still calling them, to get this and go, oh my God, and change his pants, aka cover is nuts. In three, two, Pigley and Apollo. Hi, this message is for Dr. D. My son is a patient there at the office of Dr. D. And we were there a little while ago. and something happened that I was thinking about, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave this message,

but I just felt like I had to. So when we were there, unfortunately, we saw Dr. Dach's testicles outlined through his pants. I think they're just too tight. And, you know, I wasn't going to say anything, but it's really been sticking with me. And my kid even mentioned something. So I just wanted to let you guys know.

And we love Dr. D. He's great. But maybe he can get some new pants. 54 seconds. You know what? You need a little bit of runway to mention you seeing your doctor's nuts. Now I'm going to do something one more in 30 seconds. You are an unpredictable man.

I just want to see it. We're in a money zone with Natalie. You seem so okay with it. 30 seconds to say you saw your doctor's balls. No notes. She's in a money zone. Hi, my name's Kim. I saw the doctor's nuts.

Get him to get new pants. Thanks. My son brought it up to. Bye. That's eight seconds. Terrible. I think there's a way to do it. You want an authentic 30 seconds?

Yes. So look, this is not a line reading. This is, yeah. Hi, how are you? I just called. Hi, how are you? I'm just calling to say, I was just recently in there a few weeks ago.

and I really didn't want to bring this up, but I did see Dr. T's testicles through his pants, his bulge, I guess. Again, I love Dr. D. B, he's wonderful. We're not going to stop coming. I just hope the kids aren't seeing it, and I think he should know that we can all see his balls. Okay.

Have a great day. 29 seconds. But Vicki admits that the ramp, Vicki. Nicky, what do you think? By the way, he took two seconds to say day. Professional. That is really good.

I think you're a professional broadcast. Someone's an actor and improv or someone else is a producer. But your tone is better. You're doing a better job. I just want to see if you can do that in 30. Now look, in the end, Vicki, you're the boss. If you say, I like the long one, then we win with the long one. But this is the fucking lab.

We're trying. I mean, look, we got the take. Yeah, I agree. So now we just have a little. Yeah, it's really fast. Give me a one in 15 seconds as best as you can. Three, two, Pigley, Ann. Hi there.

We were there a couple weeks ago, and my son and I noticed that you could see Dr. D. B's testicles through his pants. It was really distracting and a little upsetting. We're going to keep coming, but maybe before the next time we come in, he could get new pants.

Thank you. Fifteen. I think it's perfect. I don't think you need any more for me. Natalie. We're going to you. We're going to send her every option. Here, I'll do one in four seconds for you, just so we have it.

Three, two, Pigley-N. The doctor has big balls. Please hide them better. I'll buy the pants, God damn it. Bad. Hey, sweet Jesse? Yeah. Let's hear yours.

The way that Jesse's, sometimes when I'm on the road and I'm about to talk to the crowd, I'll see people look down in a napkin and be like, this is so interesting. Jesse was completely doing me like, I've got a lot of work to do over here. I can't do one. Jesse? Yeah. You got 20 seconds. Okay.

Three, two, Pigley and whatever you're ready. Hi there. I was in the office with my kids the other week, and I just wanted you to be aware that we saw Dr. the outline of his testicles through his scrubs, and I just thought you should be aware that that's something that if we saw it, other people are probably seeing it too. My kids mentioned it to me, and that made me uncomfortable. So I think you should maybe do something. about that.

25 exactly. Vicky. Go ahead, that was perfect. The reason why that's great is because you were like other people are seeing it too. It does a lot of lifting for us.

Why don't we give you both? You can pick. Why don't we give all of them? And then if you need strength and numbers if Dr. D. is resilient in the face of voicemails over the course of two months. Yeah.

So you're right about that, Gareth. We're going to send you all of these as independent clips. The question to you, Vicki, which one do you think you're going to play and why? Which one wins to help you? Which one gets a little burnt? I honestly feel that I may have my

co-worker listen to the clips because my coworker is actually the one that showed me your podcast. What's your co-worker's name? Hmm. Never mind. Jamie. Jamie. we appreciate you listening.

Not her real name. She knows who she is. But so I think that the first one was excellent. I really liked, honestly, they were all really good. I like Jesse's too. I also liked Gareth. They were all really good. I have to sit there and really listen to that.

I'm the only person you didn't mention. You literally said everybody else my name. Actually, actually, no, no, no, no. Yours was phenomenal. It's too late. I think I was talking and laughing through it. You know, you said you liked all of them. You liked jesse's, you like that.

You see, Natalie, he always makes it about himself. This is the first time because it's hurting my friends. I get you now. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel like it was a real. It hurts. I did the best I could. I never done it before.

I've never called a fucking pediatrician. Hold on, Jake. Vicki, he's never left a voicemail like this for a doctor with balls before. He did a great job. So, Mickey, we're going to send you all of these. Will you walk us through,

you're going to show it your friend, not named Jamie, you guys are going to pick together and walk us through how you're going to actually do this. Yeah, that was, yeah.

Yeah. So, I'm going to mull it over, but I have two ideas of how I'm going to do this. So I'm going to wait for, like, a bad sack day, but it's coming.

I know it is. Fuck yeah. And, And so I am going to either talk to him in his office when it's just him and just be like, hey, listen. Kind of weird. Really don't want to do this at all. It brings me no joy. But because we got a voicemail and it was a while ago, I wasn't even going to show you,

I just feel I have to bring it to your attention, especially because we got a voicemail. had another, maybe I'll say that we actually had another comment from a patient that wasn't recorded or a parent. I love that, Vicki. That's good. It'll be like, because they said it, I was like, I went back and I went through. I was just going to let go because I wasn't sure it was real or not, but now they said something. So, I just want to play it for you. No we deal.

Are you going to do it on speaker? I don't have to. Or do you going to do it on speaker or just hand them the phone? I might. I might just hand him the phone. I mean, he doesn't know how to do technology. I wouldn't do speaker. I contact would press, play.

I also, Vicki, when I would rehearse with your friend, rehearse with Jamie, whose name's not Jamie. Get it right and as quick as you can, but also natural. I'm playing Dr. Gene. You're doing it. Let's rehearse right now. Go ahead. I'm in my office.

My balls are pushing through my pants. My nipples are out. Hulking. Nipples are out. You're reaching for some. Nothing on your stomach show. Oh. Just tell me to reach for the fucking one of the gifts we had for the help is everything's hanging out. All right.

I'm in my office. My balls are out. Hi, Vicki. He does a . What can I do for you? Do you have a second? I've hopefully got a lot more than one second left in my life. That's a joke.

Yes, Vicki. What can I do for you today? Bubbles. Okay. um hey um at dr i i ever talk to you about something it's a little weird and uncomfortable um so i'm just gonna come out with it if you have a second again i hope i have a lot of them left in my life bubbles okay okay i'm kidding what do you got kid um all right so um a mom came up to me and approached me pulled me aside and made a comment um towards me um that i would usually probably just brush off and let it go because it's weird and uncomfortable.

And I don't know why she would say it to begin with because why. But it actually, my ears perked up because we actually had a weird voicemail a couple months ago that I wasn't even going to bring to your attention. Vicki, what is going on here, Bell? Yeah, yeah. So I'm just going to send you the voicemail. It's a little uncomfortable for me too. Send me the voicemail?

And if you have any questions, I'm sorry. You're going to send me a voicemail? Why don't you just tell me? Yeah, because as you're aware, it comes through as a clip on my phone. Oh, okay. Yeah, there's also an audio clip that comes through, which just stepping out of the scene for a second.

This is true. They come through as voicemails, and we have to listen to them. So we actually have to send them to the doctors outside of ours, and they are audio files. Okay. So this is all lining up perfectly. Yeah.

This is what happens. Do you guys do this? I would prefer to just send it to you. I said it was a little weird for me and also not really my place and I really wasn't going to say anything to you and I don't really think it's that big of a deal. So I'm just going to send it your way and do with it what you will. I guess if you have questions, let me know, but I don't really have answers for you. I got notes, Vicki. Yes.

A lot of words. And some of the words are confusing. I'm a very wordy person. I know, but the words can sometimes confuse the thing a little bit. You comfortable doing this to him over text message? Yeah, I could do that. I would say as simple as, hey, doctor, we got this thing.

I thought I'd pass it on to you. All the best. I think text is going to be better. I would maybe put a little hint of what you were saying. Hey, Dr. I hope you're having a good day. I'm going to send you a voice memo or voice message that we got. I only do it because there was another parent who said a similar

thing I wouldn't say the other parent I would say since hearing it I've noticed it too okay I wouldn't make it like the whole community no no I think that's fine I just want to make it just so it's not isolated got this call didn't think about it since then have noticed that it it might actually be a problem or be a helpful advice might be helpful advice wanted to pass this on discreetly to you and we can keep this between us yep I Yeah, I think that's great, actually. I was kind of typing very fast.

And so the idea of it is, is it's a text that all he needs to write back at his humiliation is thumbs up. Can I give you another piece of advice? Please. Send it Friday. Send it Friday late in the afternoon. So you've got two days away from this situation. Send it before Christmas break? Oh, yes.

Then he comes back and he's like, it's a new year, new me, I'm covering my sack. Yeah. Yep. Oh, that would be amazing. Maybe we'll get this to you as quickly as we can. Yep. And then right when you're, whatever your break is, however long it is, send it that day so you can walk away from the scene. Yeah, I can definitely do that for sure.

You think that's right? I do, actually. Because then you could also write like happy holidays. Yeah. It can be really positive. But he's got to, he's got to know, this has to end. Ask Santa for some loose pants. Yeah.

You can't show your sack. No. It can't be in pediatrics and show you. So, Vicki, I got to say a lot of people think this show. We hear you. And we don't help and we give bad advice and we're, what's fun about the show is how bad advice we give. Or just get to the advice.

Our question to those people is, you think this is stupid? Yeah. We fixed a real problem with kids. Yeah. Well, potentially. Yeah. But Vicki, what's your confidence level on this? Exactly.

A nine out of ten. Yeah. One quick question before we go. go, Vic. At a pediatrician, could you see a girl man and do a doctor's appointment on him or do you need to be a baby? And what's the difference? Vicki, we're going to actually let you go before you answer that question. Moving on. And we're just going to let you go and we'd like to hear from you again. And Jake's asking another thing and just hang up your phone, Vicki. Thanks so much. But why can't a doctor see a man? Thanks a lot, Vicki. Your baby's bodies are that different?

See you later, Vicki. Really hang up. I'm not kidding. Same organs. See you later. See you later. Vicki Hurry, hurry up. Your soul searching. Okay, bye. Happy holiday. Thank you for the call. Bye. Thank you.

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Hi. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, Age, where you're calling from, please? Hello, my name is Stephen. My name is Stephen, and my name is also Stephen, and I am 29, and I'm from South Louisiana. Okay, Stephen, Stephen. South Louisiana. Yeah.

We're about that, yeah. Uh-oh. I can't even. It's because your face changed. You're right. You were already a character. Stephen, are you near the Bayou? Yes, I am on Bayouche, Lafouche Parish.

You know Lafouche Parish? That's pretty exciting, man. You friends with any Cajun folks? I am one of those Cajun folks, yes. My family is all Cajun folks. I love the Cajun people, Stephen. Will you give me a little bit of heat of the accent? I don't know. I got to get a little, I don't know.

It comes out if I get a little excited. Yeah, well, guess what, Stephen? We're here to help. We're here to help. It's a big moment. You're with your uncles, your aunts. You're with the relatives. You're with grandma and grandpa. Give us a taste.

Talk about a gator. Man, I don't know what you're talking about. You got gators in your bayou over there? Oh, ha, ha, ha. I got a couple of gatter to my bayon. You got to go with you. You got to put the spicy stuff in the gaito over the gaiters. Gator if you're going to do the gator.

Got to put the spices up in the gator? Hey, Steve, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, you got to spice the gator before he put it in the gombo. Oh, absolutely, man, because you can't be putting that in the gumbo without the bite. All right, let's get in the bag. What did you? Just quickly, before we get into it, translate what you think you just said. Stephen, will you tell Gareth what I just said?

Man, I don't know. All right, Stephen, what is your issue today, sir? And your issue is not. You live in southern Louisiana, yes, sir. That's where I'm going to be, but when I'm dead, you were burying me in the bayou. What? Okay. When I'm dead, take me home.

To Chicago? By you. Wrong. Okay, Stephen, what's going on? By the way, Jake's having a thimble of coffee. What's going back, Stephen? I'm actually having way too much. That's not a lot.

I was doing a sip. Okay. All right, Steve. What's up, buddy? All right. So my wife and I just bought our first house. My wife. I'm excited about it.

My wife and I, we both just bought our first house. Okay. So we're going through kind of the more mundane renovations, you know, painting and cabinets and all that kind of fun stuff. And in the middle of all this, my wife noticed that I was getting kind of bored. So she pointed out that I'm getting a small shed in the back yard. yard to put my like lawnmower in stuff you know just storage stuff you know boring

things she told me that I can go as crazy as I want to back there with decorating cool and I immediately thought of Jake and his gorilla statue and all that fun stuff yeah his little gorilla this little gorilla cave so do I get do I get a gorilla statue and turn it into a rainforest cafe back there. Oh, my God. Or... Is this the softballist of softball? No, because Steve, I got a different pitch for you.

Oh, well, keep going, Stephen. What were you going? You were going, Stephen. Or? Well, the thing is, my brain's been racing. I've been having a lot of fun just thinking of different ideas, you know, turn my shed into something, you know, insane and fun and just do that and give me some, you know, some weekend project.

for a while. I think this is such a great project for you. I think your wife is really smart to get you excited about it, keep you busy on the sed so she can finish up the house. And I think we turn this shed into, well, what I like to call it, a swamp? A swamp? I think we get. You're talking about a...

You know what I think we do? I think we connect you to our guy, Rob. Oh. And figure out if you guys can make a deal. A dinosaur guy. Yeah. The dinosaur guy. see if you guys can figure something down,

get you some gators, get you a frog. I think we get little swamp sounds. I mean, you're talking about a swamp forest cafe, basically. Swamp Forest Cafe. The takeaway cafe, you know what I'm talking about Steven? Stephen, what do you like to do for fun? Are you a cappuccino guy? Are you a alcohol guy?

Are you a weed guy? Are you a read science fiction guy? Friday night, 8 p.m., no one's around. You got the night to yourself. You go, oh, great, I have no responsibility. these. What are you doing, Big Steve? Actually, this leads into my, one of my other ideas that I had

was my last job. For fun, I like to bartend, you know, at home to be a home bartender, but my last job, I was a bartender at Margaritaville. So, we got a couple of Margarita Bill. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, we can do better than that.

We can do that better than that, but Steve, what do you think about turning that shed into a bar? Yeah, a little mix room. See, the thing is, I don't have, I don't know if I'm going to be put in air condition or electricity in there. Hey, babe, we're talking about the swamp. We're talking about back in the day. In 1905, you go to the bar, you find a little shed bar.

I'm not saying, I'm giving some cold. Now, obviously, Stephen, Jake's losing himself in the accent just a touch, but not too much where it's becoming a huge problem. But I think he might be right in that, well, no matter what, no matter what you're going to do back there. We're building an 1880s swamp bar. It doesn't have electricity or air conditioning. That's okay. Here's what you do.

If you're going to have a couple friends over there, you're going to have the old lady and you have a drink. You bring a bucket of ice. And an extension cord. No. Yeah. What are you talking about? No.

He's just going to, but if it's 8.30 at night. He's just going to sit in a dark shed, find fiddling with gins. Candles. What? This is, he's going to burn his little bayou shed down.

Why are you? you opposed to an extension cord? They're so ugly. It's ugly, but it's practical. It is. Admit that it's a good emergency valve. Yeah, Stephen, I don't know we could get a generator. Could get a generator.

Could get a solar generator. You know what you could get? You can get a solar generator. They're great. Direct access to the sun out there, or you got too many trees above you? That could work. It's not near, it wouldn't be near trees, yeah. There's also just solar, there's those solar lights, too.

Like, there's just, you could kind of hang some solar lights, put a little thing up on top of the shed, put those inside. Those were great. I think what you could do is you could almost, you could, you could kind of turn it into like a faux poacher bar where you do. Like we could get Rob to make you like some of these like fake, just like a couple things synonymous with the bayou and you could just make it like a little drink shed. And you could have a couple chairs in there. you could have like, you could easily put together some kind of bar. Get some old school fan, metal fans in the corners. Some fans, put a couple maps on the wall,

make it feel like kind of an old throwback, and it could just be a place where you could go out there. And you know what, even if it's not the sort of thing where you're hanging out, it could be a place where you go to mix cocktails for people when you're hosting. And if people want to come in there, have a hang, it's just like a separate little zone. I think something like that, and I think Rob would help with the aesthetic. I don't know. I kind of like that's where you were starting.

You can buy one big gator head that we like the size of our chimp heads. That as a feature piece on the wall sets the vibe. You paint it. Or on the door. A dark green or a, like, you know, or you put, you know, wood panel. And you get like old wood slabs. Or even like old. Yeah, like fake wood wallpaper or something.

But I do think you could make it look like cool. The hay on the floor. Kind of speakeasy-ish. If it's small. But you could just have a little bar in there and just go in there and that's where Stephen goes to mix. What do you think, Stephen? We're very excited. No, it sounds fun.

I mean, I like the idea of the bar. I still, I don't know, the one thing I'm hesitant about is the swamp theme because everywhere around me is already swamp. All right, let's pitch. I feel like I want an escapism kind of thing. So where is something mixed up? I got a fun pitch, Gary. Go. because I hear you.

I want you to potentially then recreate to the best of your ability. And by recreate and everybody save the comments, you could go into one of these franchises and take a menu or two. Recreate Margaritaville. I did. I can guarantee you that I have the menu in my camera roll somewhere with the recipes. And so, but get the look, whatever Walder. So you've created and then.

on a sign outside, call it Margaritaville Jr. And so when people walk in, it almost looks exactly like a mini Margaritaville in the middle of your backyard. That's like if somebody, I went to someone's house and they go, do you like in and out? And I was like, yeah, and they go,

you want to go in and out Jr.? And I walked in and it was almost perfect, I would trip out. If I walked into someone's backyard and they had a mini Margaritaville, and it was called Margaritaville, Mini or Margaritaville Jr. I'd go like, Jesus Christ,

the flooring's the same. And you go, no shit. If you recreate, you know what? Here's something crazy. Remember that couple that goes to all the Margaritaville? Yes. What if you finished it and they came and visited and gave... Where were they?

Someplace else, but they travel for Margaritaville. Anyhow, that's... If they're listening to this, and they want to chime in. But Stephen, if you recreate a Margaritaville in your backyard and you really spend time on it and it looks great, that's a massive win. That's huge.

And if it looks really good, you know what we will have the reach to do? Connect you with the PR people from Margaritaville. Yes. Because if that doesn't excite the good people at Margaritaville. Oh, yeah, you paint the ceiling like the sky. There's a lot that can be done here. It is a little teaky themed anyway. Yeah, it's Margaritas.

It's Key West. That's exactly my point. You need a couple of parrots. Yes. I've never, you need a couple of, I mean, Steve, you work there, babe. You know what it is. Yeah, I'm familiar. Hey, Big Steve.

Let us know what Margaritaville Jr. is going to look like. Take it away. Let us visually close our eyes unless you're driving and paint us a picture of what this shed's going to look like in 12 months. So I think I'm going to be building up a little, let's see, maybe a fold-up portable bar that can stay in the shed, but I can take it out to the carport for a little party. I can decorate it to look kind of like the volcano bar back where I was working at.

Volcano. Let's see. The, I don't know, the floor can probably stay kind of plain. Like, I think it's just kind of a wooden shed. And the, let's see, the roof. I can paint the roof and put some parrots up there. Make some stuffed parrots. What we got?

Ooh, can I make the parrot thing? Yeah, we did. Freaking room. Yeah, this is great. We just got a photo of a Margarita Vobar. You could make this happen. Yeah. And you could get, you could buy a lot of this stuff too.

Those little like tiki umbrella things you can get easily. That could go over it. The palm tree leaves are so easy to get a sky paint. is really easy. Yeah, you're going to be, this is going to look great, bud. Can we get some before pictures of that shed? And then just keep us updated,

and then we would love to be part of the grand opening in some way. It's a big deal. Yeah, I think you have a party about the shed, too. Of course you do, yeah. You invite those three days of yours. A shed warming party? Or an opening of Margaritaville in your town and Margaritaville Jr. is officially opened.

That sounds incredible. Well, Stephen, keep us posted. Your energy, I feel like you're at a 10. It's just hard to tell, but we think you're excited, so keep us posted. And then before you go... I'm very excited. Before you go, Big Steve, can you, in your most Cajian accent that you've ever heard, say, I think it's true, Jake, you're my Cajun brother.

And you, Gareth, sound like a gober from Wisconsin. Go ahead. Yeah, I think it's true, Jake. I think you're my Cajun brother from down the buyer. Garrett, I think you're from Wisconsin or something from up there. Yeah. It's accurate. Thank you, my man.

That was great. All right. Bye. Thank you, Stephen. Bye. Thank you. Love you, bye. Love you.

Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow-up to episode 217. Why the Stink-Eye Stink-Ey. Excuse me. Who are you talking to? Hi, this is Laura. Hi, Laura. Who are you talking to right there? Oh, this is my best good friend, Mary.

Okay. Hi. Hi. Is that important? Okay, we know this is a follow-up. I was just trying to bust jobs here. But you're Laura? Yes. Okay, and you're talking to Mary.

Maybe that's important. We don't know anything other than you're a follow-up. So will you remind us who you are from your first call? And then we'll catch up. Absolutely. Absolutely. So I was the gal who called in about getting stink eye in the airport line. Oh, yes.

We've thought about you. Oh, thanks. I got to tell you, I thought you guys a lot too. I got a lot to talk about. Okay, so you were... Girl, take over. Yeah, tell us what was happening. So I have a rare form of cancer that is pretty advanced and I need extra time to get on a plane.

And one of the things I actually didn't, I failed to mention, is why I'm traveling so much. I am part of a clinical trial. I have to get on a plane weekly to go. out of state for this clinical trial. So this is, you know, why you guys have helped me so much. But, yeah, I don't look like I need help, you know. I look like an able-bodied person, but I need extra time. And I was getting a lot of stink guys.

I was feeling pretty insecure about it. You guys, you know, helped me through that. Okay. And we made a hat that said, Easy there stink. Oh, there it is. Easy there stink guy. Easy there stink guy.

Okay. And you have a kazoo for some reason. I know why. If I may, I actually purchased, I believe, your very last hat today online for my girl Mary, who I was just talking to. Oh, what's that? Of this hat? Of that hat, yeah. Do you sell out of the easy there stink guy hat?

Wow. Yeah. That's cool. That was an exciting development for us. Okay. All right. So the idea was that when you're in the airport, you're taking the extra time, you now have a hat that sort of shuts down the stink eye that you were receiving. You also had the kazoo there. We pitched on the kazoo, right? You did. What was it?

It was that when they call for people who need extra time to stand up and play a little tune and then go on in. We pitched that? Why did we do it? Using a fake baby, if you recall. I remember that. I remember fake baby. What's the point of the gazelle? I think it was to like draw attention in a funny way and like freak people out so they didn't want to.

I love it. Yes. Okay. So hell, walk us through what's been happening in your life at airports. Yeah. So, okay. The hat comes with me every trip. Great.

love wearing it. The kazoo, I'll tell you the extent to it. I used that in the TSA line. I had it in my pocket along with the hat on my head, but you know they have empty your pockets and you know, take all your casus out before you go through security. So I had to grab one of those. Cazos, whistles. Yes, exactly. So the TSA guy actually thought it was pepper spray, but I had to correct him. No, this is a kazoo. It's a musical instrument. But I had to grab, you know, one of the small plates, and I just took off the hat, put the kazoo in there.

The guy behind me gives me the craziest look, and I just decided to pick it up and blow it towards him. Like that interesting. A couple of little, yeah. And then he got a huge kick out of it. So he was cracking up. I put it back down. I'd go through security,

and then there was no eye contact to be made whatsoever by anybody. Yeah. Oh, I hear what. happening here. You're scaring people. You need extra time because you're crazy. Yeah, exactly. This is interesting. And I got to say, it was a good one. This is going to work in more than that. I'll be on it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would agree. I would agree. Because people don't tend to like read what's on the hat. I don't think. You know, it's, I don't know. I think we, I think we wanted you to point to the hat maybe, right? to be like, oh, maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I look,

if the kaz is feeling the show, let it cook. That's the way. Hold on. Well, I have misplaced that kazoo. I'm going to be honest. I haven't had it for,

for, you know, a few weeks now. But I will say, I think this hat has just given me, like, superpowers because I put it on

and I feel more confident. Great. That's the whole idea. I thank you guys for that. It's made me genuinely not care as much what people think and just have fun with it. So it's a win.

So regardless of, if they look or don't look, it doesn't matter, you have the hat. Exactly. And the hat makes me feel better. And that's what matters, right? So that's all the point. If fuck those people, easy there, Stink. You don't know what I'm going through. It's none of your goddamn business.

It felt like you were saying there's a lot of stuff. Oh, yes. Okay. So I am part of this clinical trial. Right. And one of the unfortunate side effects is that I no longer have. any sensation, like, in my leg. So it's hard to walk.

I can walk, but it's difficult, and I look like a crazy person walking. So my, I guess, I like wearing, you know, I still wear the hat all the time. But I think it's more evident, you know, that I do have a disability than it was when we first spoke. Okay. But what I have been doing is I'll be, like,

I've worn it out to grocery stores, like, you know, Costco, you name it, that have like, you know, the carts, the motorized scooter carts. Yep. I'm all about those motorized scooter carts. Oh, they're so cool. And that's another place where I wear my hat because I'm like. Of course.

Yeah. Exactly. So, you know, it's helped me in other places outside of the airport. We've expanded its range. Can I pitch something with those carts? Yes, please. Would you consider getting black leather gloves that are fingerless? Oh, do this.

Absolutely. And would you consider a little bedazzling? And maybe some shades. And maybe some shades. Should I get a leather jacket? Nobody's fighting, yeah. You shouldn't not get a leather jacket. Nobody's going to fight you.

But if all of a sudden, I'm in a grocery store. You're looking for pushback. And I see a young lady like you driving, and I see her in a somewhat dated, very Fonzie-style leather jacket with cool as gloves. I had this as easy stink guy. And we're going by each other. I'm moving to the side and I'm going the roads for you and your hog.

I would love nothing more. So sorry to be in your way, you mongle. I think what Jake is... Get a fake mongle jacket. I think what Jake's suggesting. I think what's great and I don't think it's even necessarily in what we pitched,

but maybe how you're owning what we've talked about, is that you're just trying to enjoy the things that you feel people are judging you for and make them fun for yourself. And so that's what's great about that. I've got a pitch. I've got a – can I may I tack on one thing to the scooter? A horn.

Yes. Great. Go ahead, Jake. Big fan. Love the horn. Here's what I'm going to really pitch now. That's the same as the hat. The other day I was with –

my daughters, and we were at a street fair, and there was a bunch of Mongol motorcycle guys hanging out at a cafe, and we had to walk through them. And I did have a moment where I'm like, motorcycle street gangs are scary to me. Yes. They are true. They're outlaws. Yes. They're old-school tough guys. A group, too. A group. And they all have a similar look. Now, I'll be honest, this group was not doing one thing rude or mean to anybody. They were having fun with each other. And when we walked through them, there wasn't an ounce of negativity or bad vibes.

And we finished and I thought, those dudes looked cool. Here's what I'm going to pitch to you. Copy the look, get a leather jacket that is sleeveless, and make patches. But our patches should be stupid things like easy there, stink eye.

And my hogs bigger than yours. and move or get run over. So we could pitch different stuff where we could have like funny patches that you have on it. Need a robe for that judgment? Need a robe for that. So that all you have to do,

you don't have to do the gloves and you have a little horn and you got your fucking cool Mongol-inspired biker gang leather jacket that you just throw on all the other clothes you're wearing.

You got your business the tire. Who cares? Hey, what's the name of there's goggles that old school motorcyclists used to wear that almost looked like...

Oh, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah. Yeah. So cool. Amelia Earhart's like looking goggles. So I think where we're at on this

is I think you know what to do. You pushed it with the kazoo. I think what we need from you is follow up photos. I would be glad to. Now, yeah, I'm going to make all of this happen. and I'm thrilled.

I'm even thinking like switchblade comb. I'm going to go back. Cool as hell. For the hair that's hanging out of the back of the hat, you kidding me? Cool as hell. I don't actually hate Unlitzig in your mouth. I say let's get wild.

Yeah. And this is good time. And post-Hallowing, I think I can get some good jacket gear. Agreed. Yes. Biker gear. Yes.

I think you're in a great zone I do too. I need you to come back on the show. Yes. When you've created the look, don't send it to us. Just come back on the show and we'll look at the photos with you on it. Fantastic. And my girl Mary here, she's very good at video montages.

We need her. We'll see what can do. Tell her she's a big part of this team and all the good work we're doing on here. That's an Eric Kettlestein quote. She's a big part of this team and all the good work we're doing. down here. He said that to me probably 10,000 times about literal people in restaurants, waitstaff. Hey, please follow up with us. This is a winner. I will. Keep going, Laura. I really just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart because you have taught me to embrace

something that feels very out of control. Well, let me tell you something. Before we get sweet and sentimental, which we appreciate it, we ain't done with you, kid. Yeah. This is chapter two. we're going to talk to you soon. This ain't goodbye. This is farewell until we want to see what's going on with the scooters. Yeah. We're going to push. We're going to see what happens.

And also, we gave you the instructions. You put the whole thing together. We might be in a spot very soon. We might be in a spot very soon where you have some tattoos on your arm. Yes. I'm so ready. By the way, we're going to get wild. Laura, this is becoming a medical podcast.

I don't want to tease too much, but this is what we do. Things are getting wild. This is year three, okay? So buckle up. No, the next time I talk to you guys, we may have to, you may have to explain to my mother why I have tattoos. Not going to be an issue. Bring her on.

By you. By the way, Laura, we don't want it to be done any other way. How about that? How about this? If we're actually going to get a tattoo, bring your mom on before. Yep. Okay. Thank you.

All right, Laura. Thanks, guys. Thanks. Okay, bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler.

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, do stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here. to help pod.