We're Here to Help - 251: A Bridge To Trash & Poop Plinko

Episode Date: January 19, 2026

Gareth and Jake unload some garbage on an overeager gift-giver. Then, they help a mean-looking bird find a new place to poop. Plus, a surprising follow-up from Ep 233 "Breaking and Entenmann's."See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-251Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps plus fries and a medium soft drink for just $8. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. This is a headgum podcast. And, Gareth, we're back with a Monday intro. We got a fun show today. You're sick.

Good calls. I'm sick. I got sick over New Year's Eve. I got the flu in Vegas. The flu in Vegas was a... You gambled. I gambled. It was a living nightmare. That is not a place you want to be the flu.

That's the place you want to... I've had it in Vegas. There? Yeah, because remember when I did the show where I met Caton, we shot it in Vegas. And, I mean, I remember, like, having to try to be... It wasn't even... It was trying to find the healthy ingredients that the flu requires.

And people are just like, do you want a sunny D? Yeah, well, there was also like, they're like, do you want to just party? Ugh. I was. So when did you start feeling it? So we flew in. I was feeling fine. And then the problem with when you get sick, at least for me, is the beginning of it.

I don't believe it's happening. That tracks. And guess what I do. What? Do you overreact? Is that true? Even when I don't. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That is, we are opposite. Yes, yes. I can be nine quarter, nine steps into it, into the swamp. And I'm like, nah, this is how I always feel. I will be like, I should sleep. There's a tickle. There's a tickle.

Yeah, there's something. So I was, I was feeling pretty beat up. But, you know, I've been grinding pretty hard this fall. Yeah. And I grind myself pretty down. I'm like, you know, I'm on break mode. I'm with the family. Maybe I'm just shutting down.

Maybe the old machine's shutting down. That's why I'm sweating it. in weird times. The sweats. Oh, and then really what got me was, so first of all, staying at the Venetian, which it's funny to be at a certain age where I go to the same hotel in Vegas.

I stay in the same area, the north suites. I've been there, so I know where all the restaurants are. Gareth, I love it. I know. I can just tell you love it. I love it. It's a great hotel. Are you knowing some of the people?

Are you like, Rudolph? Are you on that level yet? No. I think that will happen. It could. I predict that that will happen with you. That you'll have a couple guys. Yeah.

Yeah. That would be a dream. You'll send Berg a text and go, go to Rudy's. He talked to my guy Hank. Oh, he's wonderful. He's wonderful. I can see this. That's my dream.

You're putting them on a group text. Well, that's so funny. That's how you got me on New Girl. I don't know if you even remember that. No, tell me. You pressured Lamorne. I mean, you based, because Lamorne was directing it.

So you basically, I said, I asked you, I was like, should I, whatever, do this or whatever. And you right away, it was a group text of Lamarne. Hey, Lamorne, this is Garrett. He's coming in for Brian, the security guard or whatever. Should he do that? You know, and Lamarne gave me a note. And then it's kind of like, hey, man, I got your number now. So if you're past, it's super awkward.

I am such a believer in connecting and hooking things up. It is so joyful. And I never get when others don't. Yeah. Like when I've been around somebody who's got something and I don't have something and they're talking about it and I'm like, that'd be cool. And they're like, yeah, man. Well, anyway, good luck with your terrible career. And I'm like, I mean, can't you just make a call?

Daniel DeLuis on the plane. Okay, wait. So, okay, so you're there. Yeah, the nightmare for being sick in Vegas, in my opinion, and you were there too, is the amount of people smoking cigarettes. It's shocking that it's hanging in there still with there. It feels like nobody really smokes anymore. Enough do. Oh, yeah, there they do.

But it reminded me so, it was so crazy. So the Venetian's a really nice hotel, so it didn't really take me back to my childhood. It felt more like in the 90s, early 2000s in New York when they created that role where you couldn't smoke in bars. And remember how crazy that felt, and everyone in New York, all the bar owners were like, oh, you want to put us all out of business?

You wanted to be the end of bars? And then all of a sudden, people just smoked outside. I remember Ireland was like, you take queer going to fucking stand for that. And then it was like two months later, it was like nobody's smoking in bars. Well, once there's a new rule, everybody just does it, and you go like, yeah, did you can't smoke?

It takes six months. You can't smoke on a plane, you maniac. Smoking on planes. Maniac behavior. But seeing all these sick, I was feeling, I got the, I got, I was feeling pretty sick, but I wasn't sure if it was real or just worn down. So I was taking a bunch of, like, cough medicine.

And when you do that unregulated, which is what I like to do, I don't use the jar I go by, as the Steve Berg would do, when he puts different seasonings in his jumbalaya. Eyeballing. Yeah, you're going for feeling. You're eyeballing. And some of that stuff doesn't have a bad taste to it, Gareth. Listen, when I was a youth, you've heard of robo-tripping.

I have heard of RoboTrim. Used to Robo Dros? A couple times. I mean, think of Sizurp. It had a hell of a run. It had a real run. Real where everyone was like, whoa, hold on a minute.

We are misusing this. I used to drink NyQuil every night. I used to, first of all, nightquil all the time, and I would rock DayQuil for like two years. I don't know what was... In college, I took DayQuil every day for two years. Why?

I think I was... I was like, there's a tickle. That's so... funny. Were you over cared for when you were sick by Pam? No, I think she kind of rode the Depression era. Like, get up, have a sprint, you know? And I was like, I broke my arm when I was like six. Yeah.

And my parents did not believe me for two days. Dude, we have a similar, I broke, when I broke my nose, I got elbowed in the face by Canano playing basketball. And my nose, to this day, is best. because of it. Yeah. But you could see where his elbow went in and bent to this guy. And the nurse at school, this guy goes like, oh, yeah, that's broken.

You're going to have to go to the hospital room. He goes, do you want to go now or do you want to go home first? And I was like, eh, I don't want to get in trouble. I should tell Eve. And I got home and I was like, hey, mom, I think we need to go to the hospital because I broke my nose. And she goes, it's always been crooked. You're like, I was like, end of discussion moment. or continuing to talk about it?

And then how long were you... A couple days went by, and then it's set, and she goes, I am really sorry. It was never that crooked. Oh, my God. What words to hear from the... Well, we're not going now, are we? Like, the adrenaline's gone.

So it never got... That was it. We never got it fixed. That's interesting. I did get wrist attention. So what ended up happening? So I came home with a cast on. Like, the doctor was like,

oh yeah, his wrist is totally broken. I came home and my dad was like, really? Like, because I was, I think because I was such a little ham, they thought I was like making, but I was genuinely writhing in pain. I was like, eh, ha, ha. And they were like, quiet. You know, and I was like, it's broken.

They're like, shut up. HBO just come out. There was like, quiet. When parents make mistakes raising kids, looking back, it is so glaring. You're just like, yeah, it wasn't great. I think of me, I think the fact that you are in charge of two, like, you're a great dad, but it's shocking. It's shocking.

It's shocking. You're you. You're the guy who's walking around Vegas pounding robitussin. Well, not only that, what I've decided to do is lean in as a parent of, rather than try to think of how somebody should be a parent, because you're just making this shit up. Yeah. I'm like, man, we're just going to kind of do it. It's why we went to Vegas. I planned the trip last minute.

I was like, what are we doing post? Christmas. My wife was like, just chilling. It's been a long fall. You were gone a lot with work, and I was like, fucking Vegas. And then once we got off the plane, I was like, why did I choose Vegas over New Year's? There's no kids here. This is crazy behavior. But that's all internal. You're not saying to air. You're not saying your wife. I'm spending it. I'm like, this was the move. This was the move. And then like the Uber drivers, like or the lift drivers like, be careful on New Year's It gets really crazy here. I was like, no, I know.

I'm a man. We're good. We're talking amongst ourselves back here, buddy. Quiet up there. He gets very busy. It gets very wild on the streets. And I was like, that's what we're about. And I'm like, that's not what we're about. I feel my wife looking at me angrily.

She's kind of like, yeah, this is not relaxing. I'm like, no, it will be, though. It will be. Once we get to the room and we smell the cigarette smoke. You're sick. Actually, let's start this show. What do you say? Yeah, let's do it.

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get two dozen free. Go to 1800flowers.com slash here to help. That's 1800flowers.com slash here to help to double your roses for free. Hello. Hello. Hi. Welcome to the show. you doing.

I'm doing well. How are you guys? We're great. Thank you. You've got Jake and myself. Can we get your name, please? Yeah. So I'm going to go with Amy for this.

Amy for this. And Amy, how old are you? 28. Okay. Where are you calling from, Amy, roughly? Even if it's a fake city. Texas. Texas.

Very tiny little spot of land. Yeah, just somewhere in Texas. Amy. What's going on? What can we help you with today? So the one sentence version of this problem is that my husband and I have a friend of a friend that gives us gifts for pretty much every gift-giving holiday. And we would like the mutual obligation of giving gifts to stop with this person.

I get this. Okay. it's a run-on sentence, but it's still pretty good. It's a friend of a friend who's doing this? That seems very strange, too. Agreed. Yeah, so this is, I have this friend, we'll call her Gina, and we've been friends for a while,

and this is her friend who we only really see this guy through her, and we'll call him Charles. So Charles has gotten into the habit the last few years of getting us gifts for Valentine's Day and for Christmas. That says Valentine's Day to a friend of a friend is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. A couple. It's fucking, I mean, that's the weirdest thing. It's absolutely insane. Unless it's a pineapple.

Yeah, it's not, it's not pineapple to get. I mean, that would be a different. It would be like, guys, here you go, you two lovebirds. All right. How you doing? Check me out. I've been working out. Looking for his shakeup.

Okay. Keep going. This is very strange, obviously. Agreed. Okay. So, yeah, the Christmas and the Valentine's Day, for sure, are definitely the weirdest things. And they're not, like, they're not generic.

Like, here's a box of chocolate or here's, like, a Christmas card that, you know, maybe I give to everyone that I know. Oh, God. It's, like, very specific gifts of, like, you know, books or movies that we've talked about in like group settings. It's thoughtful. Yeah. It's thoughtful. Yeah. Now, does he, are you saying this is not, he's not doing this for everybody.

He's kind of isolated you two for some reason? We don't know. I mean, so it's not a, it's not a big group of friends that I, that we hang out with him in. It's like us, our mutual friend and then him and then maybe one other person. He's single. But when, yeah, he's single. And when he's giving us these gifts, he'll, like, text us and be like, hey, can we get together with, like, the three of us so that I can give you your Christmas gift or your Valentine's Day for your birthday gift. Amy, is this real?

No, yes. This person's a psycho. Hmm. The get-together is a very interesting detail to me. Agreed. I hate that. It is interesting. And, like, otherwise, he's a really nice and normal guy.

And I'm going to sound like the Bosnian barber dude. Like, he's a great guy. And I don't want to hurt his feeling. No, he's a great guy. He's a great guy. Everybody's a great guy. Everybody's great. Here's what we're going to say overall to all of our callers.

Everybody's a great guy. Yeah, look, you're not coming off as rude. They're great. We love him. Absolutely. The reason people call. in is because you don't want to hurt the people in the situation that weirdness

is happening because everybody's a great guy. Very true. We're trying to extract you. Great guys. So he's a great guy. Clearly, this is a very straight, now, okay, but your problem is that there is a feeling of,

now you have to, you have to reciprocate. This is a nightmare. You have, and then you got to sit there and watch each other give gifts and do the fake smile. But they, And you feel like you have to give him a gift because he's like, I got you something for Valentine's Day. Because she does.

Yes. Kind of. Yeah. Gareth, most people aren't like you. They don't just receive gifts and go like, your joy is watching me open it. That's strictly you had too much Pam in your life. She literally just walked in. It's mostly 50-50.

Their joy is not watching you feel joy. But first of all, your barbs do not hurt me. I will push through with what my point is. Because I hit home on that one. Absolutely not. I do think that is, I'm not saying he's doing it for reciprocation. Your throne. That would be the first thing.

You're vamping, sir. The first light pitch I would say is you don't give GIF back to him anymore, but that's probably a longer term solve. Right. You know, like that's making him feel like this is an event. Like, we are. We're getting together. You just hit your microphone. You are spirally.

You are doing this. fake. You're gaslighting. That's what you're doing. You're gaslighting. And everybody knows it. Now you're doing the everybody knows it. Okay, let's keep going. It's fine. It's sweating. All right, I got to go. Hold on. Yeah, I got, they need me on set. I got to get out of here. There's no set. You're at home. Okay. Let's keep moving then. Amy, back to you here for a second. One. Three, two, back. So this is, here's my question to you.

why not just say to him. Okay. I'm a very direct person. I'm not a passive aggressive guy. I believe in aggressive, aggressive, or nothing. Why not just send him an email or a text that said, we are not doing gifts this year. Like if you, a buddy just invited me to his 50th,

and one of the things I liked was he wrote no gifts. And then you go, personal, just no gifts. Don't do this thing. I don't want to have to write you a thank you card. We're cutting all that out. So how about just a fake message to everybody in your group of friends that are saying, we're not doing any gifts this year.

Instead, donate to a chimp sanctuary. I wasn't sure where you were headed. I didn't know either. Well, but I think that's good because, What you could do, like, I think that's right. I think if you say just donate, you're off the hook. Just say we're not doing gifts this year. We're actually trying to.

We have enough stuff. Yeah, donate to here, you know, whatever your charity is. This is a charity that we're interested in. Yeah. Rather than give a gift, please donate here. And if you have a charity on your own, tell us which ones you do and we'll donate to the charity you believe in. I think this is pretty good.

Yeah, so I like that. for going forward. I guess our problem right now is that he currently has Christmas gifts in his possession for us that he's texted us like five different times right now being like, hey, can we get together? Are you guys in town so that we can get together so I can give you your Christmas gifts? And have you gotten him a gift this year? No, no, because it's just it's not something that we think of.

You know, I'm not getting Christmas gifts. And I'm like, okay, my husband, my family. and then... Oh. Yeah, it's crazy. Without questions, it's nuts. It's, I mean, even your family, you're basically like, we don't need to do gifts.

You know what I think you got to do, Amy? And it's going to be a very awkward thing. And I'm calling it the Pam and Gareth. Just receive the gift. How dare you? What are you drinking coffee out of today, sir? Oh. Well, what do you normally drinking coffee out of?

a gift given to you by Pam. Yes, because... She's a great gift. Mom? Oh, Gary, you're missing the point. I just want you to know that Jake is suggesting you and I only like to receive gifts. No, you're missing it in such a crazy way.

Pam gives you receive. Oh, sorry, he's suggesting that... Jake's suggesting that I... You're insane. That I just receive. What is my, okay, mom, my mother's handed me a late breaking, a late breaking suggestion, which is just give him a card. Oh. It's a good idea.

It's actually hit quite well. I didn't, I don't agree with it, but interesting. So here are the two ideas, Amy. We could just give a card. Oh, I know what we could do. When are you going to meet with him? Here's what we're going to do, actually, Amy. We're going to send you, because we lost so much.

So many of those fucking bird calendars got lost in the mail. Every day people are writing in. The fucking post office fuck to send this. So by the way, if you lost it right in again, we'll get it to you. Amy, here's what we're going to do. After this call, email your address. I'm going to have Morgan send you a bird calendar. And what I want is this.

When he gives you the gift, give him the bird calendar. That's amazing. Because that'll change it where he'll go like, oh, thank you. And he'll go, and he'll go, why did they give me this? You know what you could do? You know what you could do? Give him the bird calendar and say, kind of be like, we didn't know what to get you.

You know, it's so hard now with the holidays. That tease up before the next holiday, the group text where you say, please just make a donation. Or, you know what we're going to do? I have an idea. Wait, but the next gift is going to be Valentine's Day. Okay, I have an idea.

Hold on. I have an idea. Before Valentine's. I have an idea. I have an idea for real. Go ahead. We're going to send you three calendars on Valentine's Day. Give them the calendar again.

So he just keeps getting bird calendars until he stops the insanity. He's going to go like, every time I go there, I get him a thoughtful gift. They give me this fucking calendar with this guy I've never heard of. I like it. By the way, when you give him the third one, if he gives you more, call back, we'll send you a fucking 10 more. The thing I think is that I think he's giving the gift because he's lonely and likes to hang out with them. Of course. And so I think it's saying, I don't think it's going to penetrate the.

If you don't mind hanging out with him, then honestly, we'll send you six calendars. You're covered for the next couple years. Yeah, I mean, and I think that he'd kind of get the bit, and he might just kind of like being involved in this, like, joke with us, because I think you're right. I think it is just that you want the friendship, but doesn't really know how to go about it.

But then, you know what you could say for next. gift, send me your address and I'll just mail you the gift. Well, if you don't mind hanging out with him, whatever. If it's the gift is the issue. But then I think if you do get to the point where you're like, this whole thing is a little weird, that's when you send, that's before that next holiday where he's going to send a gift, you shoot the group text. Also, here's what else we do.

February 1st. Here's what we'll do if you're into this, Amy. We're going to send you a couple calendars. Try that. If that doesn't work, call back. And then what we'll do is we'll have somebody from the community who's just got like weird garbage, like a gross old doll, or

they'll be like, my dad has a shirt that I just stole from them because it's so ugly. We'll just start giving this guy those gifts. I've got stuff. You know what I'll send? This is an old iPhone charger that I got from the airport.

I'll just send him that. Honestly, turning you into the worst gift givers possible is pretty good. And fun. Just weird garbage. Just give him garbage. Yeah. He'll go like, this?

Yeah, I think that might a couple of shirts that I used to wear. Okay, well, the women shirts. I have a Samsung. This won't work. Hey, go.

You give it to someone else. These are old cords. These are old. Remember how the VCR needed a red, white, the yellow cord? I had a box,

dude. I had like 10 cords. I just gave you six of them. Yeah, no, I think that's good. Because I think we've tried to give

him, like, thoughtful gifts back. Yeah. But I think that that's created a weird precedent. That's what it is. You're heightening a game you don't want to heighten. Let's punch down. Let's have him go.

Amy gives some really weird stuff. I literally think she gave me trash. Like I would literally, I just found this. This came in a sunglasses case. It's just like a weird thing that clean sunglasses, I guess, with some weird message from a company. Send up stuff like that. That you just go, it's just trash from a company.

Just give him garbage. How about this, Amy? I've got a really weird idea. Rather than the calendar, go in your refrigerator right now and whatever food you don't want, wrap it. And he'll go like this. What's this?

And you go like... Ham. This is like ham. Half-eaten bag of ham. Yeah, but still in the package, brother. It's just some fucking honey glazed. And he'll go like, gross. And you go, agreed.

Now, Amy, are we going to get this done? Are you feeling like you'll do something? Well, the first gift, could you make it something from the fridge, do you have that level of gumption? So we have like leftover like Christmas

like goody things that people have sent to us that are kind of like kind of opened but not all the way eating. I want to make sure that he knows that this is that this item, these

things have been opened. And if you do that, the only request I would make from behalf of the show is when you guys present it to him, just wear a wire. Get the phone audio recording. Please just get something so we can see the reaction to you basically giving him secondhand stuff. Please. Okay, I can do that.

So I guess, and then I like toberg calendar also because I feel like it's still nice and it's like it's a new thing. And so it's not starting off with like, I agree. Hey, you know, we've been giving us each other nice gifts for the past couple of years. But, you know, here's something inspired. What will consider this round is the bridge into trash. So we're kind of now moving in the new direction, but the bridge there will be the bird calendar and some salsa.

I would say the calendar is the bridge to trash. I agree. That's what I mean. Yes, but like as a whole, culturally. We're not here to holistically address. We used to have calendars where you're saying these beautiful specimens where you go like, how was that even created? You go like, what is Kathy Ireland? How is she on planet Earth and me too?

Amy, what are you going to do? So I think for our next gift giving exchange that we have to do with him because we have these Christmas gifts that are pending. We're going to give him the Steve Berg calendar so that he kind of knows that this is the direction that we're shifting into subtly. And then if he decides that he wants to meet up with us then for Valentine's Day after receiving the calendar, then we do it again. And then after that, it's just random stuff that we have left over or that we found. The bridge to trash. Bridge to trash. So let's do this, Amy.

Send the email right now with your. address and while I'm doing the next call, I'll check email and connect it to Morgan and I'll confirm she sends it today. Okay, perfect. We're really excited about this. I think you guys got us out of this. Please let us know what happens. This is a big deal.

Obviously. Obviously. If you can get your husband to secretly film the interaction or voice note it, it'd be appreciated. If you can't, you can't. Here's what I'm going to suggest, then this is, then we'll get off. Your husband puts a phone in a pocket on a shirt, records, just has it shooting out, little body cam angle. Just give us that.

It's possible. Anything's possible if you put your mind to it. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, he's sitting right here and he's just giving me thumbs up and okay. It's like all the way. So we're good. All right, Amy, let us know. All right, we will.

Thank you so much, guys. Thank you. Bye. He was there the whole time. I heard him left. I know he's laughing a couple times. Bye. Oh, bye.

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My name is Mike. Hi, Mike. Where are you calling from, Mike? I'm from Charleston, South Carolina. All right, beautiful, beautiful. Mike, what are we, 31? I'm 40. Okay.

What's going on? That's the last time I'll play that game. Really strange game to play there. Completely. I agree. I'm walking away from it. Mike, what's going on? What can we help you with?

Yeah, yeah. I have a bit of a bird poop problem. What's going on? Who doesn't, brother? What, Jake? Bird poo. Sure. I parked my car in the driveway, my brother.

I get it. Okay. Let's refocus. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. So I have an issue with a bird that has decided to turn my front porch into a bathroom. It's pointed. It's pointed.

One bird, you believe? It might be. I'm hoping one bird. It's better than a group of birds. Real quick question, Mike. Is it any chances of if it's a crow? If it's a crow, you're fucked. It is not a crow.

Okay, never mind. Keep going. Okay. So, yeah, so in the foyer of my home, there's a, you know, pretty tall, like a nine-foot window, and that sits above the front door. Beautiful. And the very top of the,

this window, there's a bit of a trim that goes around it, and I guess it's the perfect spot for this bird to sit. You know, it's asking. Oh, yeah. Oh, I see. I see. Oh, wow. Destroying that glass. It's worse than expected. Oh, so you have an I mean, like you said, nine feet.

Gareth, walk in the audience through who are driving what we're looking at. Okay. So we're looking at an enormous window above the door. So if you were to, let's say, want to clean the window, it's a huge pain in the ass because of how high. And what we have is a bird above the window. We've got picture evidence of the bird just shitting all over the highest point of the window. And dare I say, the picture zooms in so far into the bird we maybe can see hole.

I got to say, oh, look, a weird shot of a dog. Is your dog upset by what the bird's done? No, we're looking at a very cute little like poodle dog, just looking sad out the window. He's unaware. He's unaware of the problem. It looks like it's affecting him. But yeah, I mean, it's very clear the bird has found a great little home up there and considers this nine-foot window to be the toilet and the shit part of the...

It's right up top. And I know I'm projecting. And this is just for the people listening who aren't going to go to our IG or the website. The dog looks very emo in the photo. And I'm not even kidding when I say that. It looks like sad. Like it knows it's being shit on. And I will say, and I know the bird only has little tiny black eyes, it looks mean.

The bird? Look at the bird's face. You believe there to be animus towards the house. I know the dog. You think that the bird is directly attacking the dog through the window shitting. The dog probably barks at that bird sometimes. And the bird's going like this. You're just a little bitch, dude.

I shit on your window. You can't get out here. Mike, any reality to this? Do you believe there to be some friction between the dog and the bird and that the bird has found a way to attack the dog through the anus? The dog is Matt Lafleur and the bird is Ben Johnson. We don't know when this call is going to go out. It's just not even topical.

It could be two years from now. Mike, is there any truth to this? The dog, honestly. The dog shot, somebody put a Packers hat on that dog. The dog. Packers fans with one minute left in the game. The dog. Honestly, to Jake's point, it looks so sad. It looks extremely sad.

It's such an evil dog. Yeah. It does look well-d up. It's just his face. He's a happy guy. He's probably wondering what I was doing. All right. So, Mike, back to you.

That was a tangent. Let's pretend I didn't do that. Sure. I mean, and we are, there is, this window is shit. There's shit all over this. But also only in, so the windows, there's five. columns, it's only in column two, right? It's like, you know those games where you drop a ball?

Yeah, it's like Plinko. He's doing Plinco. It's just, but it doesn't bounce around. Yeah. It just goes straight down. No, he does. He definitely, he is. He's in the same spot too.

He is, it is. Yeah, it was worse, it was worse last year because that's when it started. And he was just slightly over a little bit, like a few inches. Yeah. And would drop it right on the door handle. Oh, God. So, Mike, What have you guys done so far?

What have been the solutions? So far, the only thing I have done is, you know, I have to go out. Basically it happens at night. I think he's, you know, hiding from the wind or rain or whatever. And, you know, I go down late at night to see if he's out there. And if he's out there, I step outside. I grab an acorn, tossed up, he goes away. But that's kind of a nightly occurrence.

It can't. That's not sustainable. You toss an acorn up? What's it going to do? Toss it down? He's trying to scare him away. Garret. Oh, I thought it was like an offer.

I thought it was like, like, hey. You thought he was like feeding a seal. He's like paying the mob off so it doesn't like damage his business. No, he's not paying for security. Yeah, okay. I thought it was a bribe. Hey, Mike, I got a pitch.

Ooh. Yeah. And all you've done is tossed offerings to him so far, as Gareth would say? Yes. Okay. Yeah, so far, just offerings. When I'm looking out that glass window, you know what I'm saying?

A beautiful tree. You want to know, you want to know what I'm going to, you said oak tree? Yep. You know what I'm imagining that oak tree? I'm going to get some birdhouse. You goddamn right I am. I'm going to suggest not a birdhouse, the birdhouse. I'm talking about the kind of birdhouse that this fucker sees and goes like, excuse me?

You fill the inside with fucking offerings and food. Start them off with a little bit of, listen, homeboy, if you meet a lady, fucking throw a nest in here, brother. I just need you off my glass, but I'm offering you, my friend, the opportunity of a lifetime. You just got to go to the oak tree, get off of the glass, and he's going to think about it. But then he's going to start getting the food and the safety.

He's going to realize that little hole in the front is big enough for him, but too small for the raccoons, too small for the squirrels. And what you're going to do is you're going to win by losing. Okay. Because what I'm not going to do is suggest trying to get rid of this guy. I agree. Birds brains are so small. We can't play games with him and go like, you know, wear, dressed like a coyote.

The bird will go like, I'll shit on that thing. I like it. I would say on top of that, why don't we put a fake bird right where he is normally shitting? Ooh, a crow. Yeah, let's put something up there that's sort of like there's a new sheriff in town. Yes, like a scarecrow. And then I also think,

to what Jake's saying, let's put a little bird feeder under this tree, and let's put a little penthouse in there for the guy. Yeah, but really fast. You have access with a big ladder. Can you get to where he's at? It's about 17 feet up, and my ladder is not high. Okay, so we can't quite get up there. Damn it.

Okay. There is a ledge on the inside of the window at the base of that window that I can maybe prop something up, but I don't know if it's too low for the bird to care. That's interesting. What would be a natural predator of that bird, an owl? Yeah, maybe. Why don't we start with one of those cheap plastic owls?

Because all the birds got to think is like, I got to go take a dump. I'm going to go take a dump in my toilet bowl. And then he's going to go like this. What the fuck? There's an owl in my toilet. The bird's awesome for deciding to just shit all over your window. Over and over.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's something great about that. It's literally got wings that can go anywhere. Yeah, it just goes like this. I like shit in where there's those walls. Well, likes to see what it's done. It's also without the wind, it's lovely.

And then that little emo dog watches me shit, it makes me laugh. Every time I crap and cries. It's awesome. It's the circle. Shut up. Shut up. You like that? So, Mike, here's the first pitch.

I think Gareth is right. I think we start with the as realistic of an owl as we can get. Okay. Spare no expense. Okay Don't get out Because I don't want the bird to go like this Oh look at that fake toy

I can shit on True Right That does nothing for us We want him to go like this I gotta take a shit I gotta get off this Yeah

There's someone in there We want the bird to go There's someone You know when you go to the bathroom And there's no stalls And you go Ah Someone's in there

Yeah We want him to be Him or her I think it's a him though I do too We want this guy to be it at an outdoor music festival, be exploding,

run to the porta party, see somebody in there and go, I got to figure out playing there. There's someone in there. It's what I see at the airport every time I travel, which is the line of dudes who are waiting for the stall,

and I'm like, there ain't a sadder line on earth. Great. So we want the bird to go, there's someone in there. And then there's some little boy who doesn't use the urinal who goes in there and you're like this.

A little guy. Can a grown man is about to die? Yeah. You see this heavyset guy in sweats? You don't think he over ate on the plane? Let him unleash. He didn't do it on the plane. Put your phone down. He ate that disgusting plane food. So, Mike, what do you think about an owl to start? And if that doesn't work, then we do the house.

Yeah, yeah. I like that. The owl's a good starting point. I think it's a low-hanging fruit. I think I can get one. I think that's right. And let's look at the photo. That tree's like prime real estate. I agree. I mean,

if you build there, you're building a mansion. But before we get to that, can we see the photo and can you tell us what ledge you're talking about? So we're now looking at the photo and from where the bird shits

I see in terms of window panes, one, two, three, four, five, six. Where is this ledge you're talking about? Do you have to go six windows down? I might have to take another photo to send you the actual ledge because I was only trying to capture the bird shit on the window. You think it's that base there, Natalie? Is that what you're suggesting?

So right at like the top of where the door would be. That might be too low. Is that where you're saying? Yeah. Yeah, that's where the ledge is. I don't know. That feels pretty low to me. I would honestly, if I were you,

I would take the nine foot ladder on the side there and figure out a way to just get the owl on the... Totally. On that point outside. As high as you can get. As high as you can get with your ladder. I think that's a great idea. A suction cup.

Why you just drill it so that it hangs from the very top of that? Because he can't get up there. That's about... I mean, you could get a taller ladder. Look, if you can get a taller ladder where, you know, we're... Yeah, but now... It's a tall ladder. That's a dangerous gig.

And you're trying to screw up. I'm not trying to kill them, man. I'm trying to get a bird not to shit on his wings. Get a friend to hold the ladder, please. Yeah, Natalie, this is your, as a woman who makes great pitches, this is a terrible pitch. If I pitch this, imagine. Oh, we would kill you. I am shocked that you can't handle a fucking ladder.

Sexist. Sexist. Sexist. Sexist. Attack. Toxic femininity. To be fair. I don't trust my name. on a ladder that goal.

No, Mike, and neither would I, because I would die. And I'll tell you why I would die. And that's a new problem. I'm a heart attack from fear. That's a new problem. Sure. Mike, will you do what you can with the suction and send us a photo of the owl

and then send us a photo of it posted? And please, if this doesn't work, follow up with us because I really do think the birdhouse would work. And I also would imagine that there's someone in the community who would maybe even help build this penthouse birdhouse for us. That's interesting.

But let's get there. Let's start with the owl. We're not drilling it to the ceiling and having a... And also, if anybody's inspired to build a birdhouse, just start. We will get it to Mike. If I may, if you need inspiration, if you're this person out there who's hearing and feels the call,

maybe we make a burghouse. And, you know, we could put a... We could make it as... like an homage to Steve in some capacity. He can put a little baby calendar on the outside of it or something. I don't know. It's just a pun. Maybe it goes somewhere.

Either way, Mike, let us know what happens and get the owl. Like Jake says, spare no expense. I think this will work. Absolutely. Absolutely. All right, Mike. All right. I appreciate it, guys.

Thanks for you. Actually, Mike, really fast. Yeah. If you can't find the owl, Why don't we pay Rob our sculptor to make an owl with a suction hook on it? Because those are realistic owls. How about we get the wings out too? Yes.

It's not happy. So let's do this, Mike. Look around for it. And if you can't find email in and we'll talk to Rob and see what we can do. By the way, Mike, if I'm you, even hearing what Jake said, fake look around. Just tell us you couldn't find anything. It's going to take a while. All right.

So look around. See if you can even just get something there to start. And if it isn't working, then maybe we can get Rob involved. Sounds good. All right. Thanks, Mike. Go get them. I appreciate guys.

Thanks a lot. Bye. Pretty good. Yeah. What's going on, Natalie? I was excited. Pretty bad Natalie. I was excited to hear where Natalie is going to go.

I hope I get so much backup in the comments. That is not that high. That is high. It's high. With a friend, you'll be fine. With a friend. You do it. Why me out there?

I'll go with a guy. All right. You know what? We also got a guy who will film it. I'll tell you what. You also have to get a babysitter for my kids. That's Rob. Yeah, Rob.

You have a husband, remember? Sort of. Hello. Hello? Hello? Wow. Aggressive. Gerith, you would love the whole music that.

happens. Oh, God. I don't even think we know that there's hold music. It restarts every 30 seconds, which is, I know your favorite. Could you possibly give us a, just a quick music? Could you try to do it real quick? It doesn't matter. It's all horrible. And it'll do that for like 20, 30 seconds and then restart. It's great. That's the worst. Can we ever hear that, actually? Like the real hold music? Yeah, it'd be nice.

It'd be nice to not only get a sense of it, but the whole community gets to sense it. If we can place it on that. Hold music, I mean, in general, you are. It's a crazy thing we do. All right, so who are you? What's your problem? We don't remember, we don't know who you are,

so tell us who you are what the problem was and where you're at. Yeah. So this is like a halfway point follow up. named Katie. I'm from North County, San Diego, and I'm 36 weeks pregnant with a neighbor named Sunny who likes to pop in the day I come home from the hospital with my baby. Oh, right. Right. I remember Sonny's wild ass. He likes to come over and be first, but you're not close with him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the only time he's ever been in our house. Yeah, I respect the fuck on sunny. So Katie, what was the,

the pitch that we as a team came up with. Yeah, so I'll tell you that. This is a, like I said, this is a midpoint. I haven't had the baby yet. I like a midpoint. I do too. The long pregnancy, folks. So you guys, well, first I said, I don't want the guy over.

And Jake being, I don't know if you're the last boomer or the first boomer, but you said, come on, I would want to go over to the house. But I'm 70 and celebrate new life. Katie, you're highlighting a very interesting quality in Jake, which is that the kind of empathy for the old weirdo is the force is strong with him on that one. Every call where there's an old man, Jake's like, you're losing me. You're losing me. I'm going to his side.

You're funny, Katie. Why do you think I like Eric so much? Oh. So Katie. keep going, where are we? So, first of all, nine times four is 36. Truth.

That baby's just chilling? What's going on with that wild-ass baby? It's just going like this. I pass. I like it in here. I show a few brain cells right now. I had no idea what you were talking about. I'll tell you what's happening.

And this is a guy who loved being inside my mother's womb, Eve, Jay. It's fucking comfy in there, dude. You're creating a nice little home. Katie, you're fun to live inside. Got to evict. That little son of a bitch is going like this. Pass. I'm doing pretty good here, to be honest with you.

You want me to go out and start my life? I'm good. You know what I've discovered? Jake has extreme empathy for inside the womb and when you're about to go into the grave. Everything else is a nightmare. One to tomb is Jake's a circle. Merch, title, bell.

Holy shit, Katie, wound the tomb. I have to admit, that's straight from West Side Story. Oh, it is. Okay, fine, who cares. Hey, Natalie, cut the West Side Story out. I was just going to say. Take the win. All right, Katie.

I'll take it. So you're, where are we at in the, you know, not at the midway point. We're at the end of the story. The baby just hasn't come. Yeah. For the call, this is a midway point. Yeah, for my pregnancy. Get out of this woman.

I'm glad I was on home because I can bear me in favor. Put the phone at the womb for a second. I'm going to talk to this kid. This is biologically important. Just give me a quick second. I'll put on speakerphone, okay? All right. So is it a boy or girl?

Do you know? It's a girl. Her name's Madeline. Madeline? All right. Hey, Madeline. It's Jake. It's time to get out of there.

I know, I know. You're warm and comfy and all that. And your head is mushed up near your butt. but get out of your mom and let's start this thing, okay? You got about 85 to 90 years of work ahead of you, okay, kid? You're going to get to go to school. It's going to be a fucking drag. You're going to get a job.

Hopefully you get married, pop out some kids. Maybe one day be a grandparent. Do the whole thing, okay? You listen to me, Maddie. But it's time to get out of your mother's body, all right? Wait, wait, wait. Could you tell her to hold on for two weeks? I got people coming over in two weeks to clean my house.

Give me a second, Katie. Hey, Maddie, good news. You got two more weeks, kiddo! Yeah! You know, we could have done a pigley and mow for her. We could have just... You know, a lot of babies are... Once they get out of the womb right away, they're experiencing extremismore you.

They want to stay. They want to stay. All right. So, Katie, save us. All right. Okay, reel it, real it. Okay, this is threefold. The first part's really short.

Garris, thank you for naming it, Breaking and Entemans. That's what you named the episode. All right. Someone from Entomans emailed the podcast. I was like, we'd love to get some goodies. I remember. I was just telling someone about that the other night, how Entomans reached out to us.

Yes. Because Natalie mentioned something. But here's the thing. I emailed back, and I was so sick in December and, like, pregnant and hungry, that I was like, just send me everything now. Here's my address. Here's all my information.

I like your donuts. And I never heard back. I'm like, what if that was sent? And I looked on the email. Nowhere in the email. Did it say Entomins anywhere? Wait, it was a fake? I don't think so.

I think it's just like a publicist or something for their agency. But Entomins offered and has left you hanged? Hey, Antimans, what's up? Entimms. I haven't heard anything back to the existence of my address. You can't brat this donuts? So what if it was like Sunny's adult daughter somewhere in the U.S. thinking, I gotta find out if this is my dad and then went fishing and she got me because I was so hungry.

But wait, but your concern has been that you over responded to entomins. Oh, yeah. You're like, I love everything. I mean, I sent my home address to a stranger. Oh, no. Hold on. Wait, Natalie, did you vet them at all or did we just forward it over? Yo, I'm Gus Entomans.

I'd love to send us some kicks. This is Katie, and this is your pregnancy. You've turned into Steve Berg. Jesus Christ, get me those donuts. Here's where I live. Okay, that's a murderer. You guys, I did not get them. Oh, no.

We get a lot of emails. I know we do. I know we do. If I get murdered, just follow. the trail of donut crumbs. Back to that email. It's a global agency. They represent Gillette.

It'll be fine. All right, guys. So if you were the person who emailed in, if you were the animals, get in touch with this so we know that donuts are coming and not John Wayne Gacy. Honestly. I might have already live next to John Wayne Gacy.

No, Sonny's an angel of them, man. You live next to Eric. He's sweet. So, Katie, okay. Okay. So you went weird with the donuts and they passed. It's happened to the best of us. It's very relatable.

Very relatable. So real update. Natalie's probably like she's taking way too much time. But here's the story. So my husband told me something last month. We were sick, which is why I haven't called until now. But he one day at the kitchen table said, it's time. I let you in.

something. And I think this is going to affect whether or not sunny comes over and I don't think he's coming over. I was like, what do you talk about? And he goes so a couple months ago when we had all those ants, we got terrible ants this summer.

It was so hot and just horrible ants. You're not ready for entombs. You're in Entemence, you're in Entemence. Those ants, you're guys, you'll look Okay, okay.

Okay. Here's the qualifier, the thing you should know. In the like warm months, Sunny and his wife will sit on a little bench in front of their front door late at night, like 9 to 11 type of late, right? So we sit out there to enjoy the time. So my husband's like, there were a lot of ants, and I just went nuts and I grabbed the spray stuff.

And if we come out our front door, they can immediately see us. So I sent you a picture. We're at the end of a cul-de-sac. We get to see Sonny's ass? I love the way he views us. Yeah, we get to see his... It's not the White House.

A little bench. Oh, those are sons. Beautiful little neighborhood. It's getting great for the kids. They're going to ride their bikes on that thing. Yeah, yeah. I love living on a cul-de-sack. But they can see us if we come at the front door.

Here's the issue. My husband was following ants at the other side of the house. He comes out. He's getting weird with the ants, yeah. He's just bending over, following this trail, two houses down. And he says to me, and I heard the unmistakable sounds of a man receiving some sort of sexual pleasure on his front porch. Oh, no. What?

Oh, gosh. That's a turn. What? It's 70? Oh, my God. On the porch. That's 70. 70s.

It's late as night. Sonny. Yanking his hog on the front porch. Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa. Yanking his hog means masturbating. I thought I was picturing the wife was maybe on the porch, giving him a. Or at least somebody. No, no, I think she was reaching over doing it for him.

Oh, good for them. Those two young fucking kids. Yeah, so Sonny's getting just a couple of teenagers the night of prom. God bless them. For anyone who's not understanding, Sonny got jerked off on the porch by his wife. Hey, Edamond, you want to send some donut holes? Sunny's a bit of a glazer.

Hey, less sweet story. Yeah, donut machine? Edamins, please. Reach out. We don't do great response. So there's an old guy getting his hog, yank. Andimans, now are you ready to join the train? Entimins.

Hello? So, yeah, so my husband just tries going back to the house unnoticed. And he's, the houses he was in front of him are on the other side. So he wasn't in front of Sunny's house. But all of a sudden, my husband said, he heard his name. Like, Sunny said, you know, David's out here or something like that because it's stopped. And he said, ever since then, he thinks Sunny's been avoiding him. He is.

So he's not coming over. You can't get caught. You can't get caught. get in your hog yanked and then go like this. The baby's born? These are different sides of a personality. I will counter that it could happen just because you want

to make it seem like you weren't getting jacked off on the porch. That's true. So as a sign of coverage. Two things can be true. Yeah. This is very true. So this, he told me this in December. This happened probably like late September or something. And a couple, like a week

ago, I heard Sonny talking to my husband and I said, Was that like a normal interaction or something? No, my husband's like, I don't know. He might still come over because he's asking about the baby and how far you are and everything. The third update is I did go with your advice, which was to buy a fake baby doll and have it ready to go. So there is a picture of that. Oh, my God.

That looks so real. Katie, that looks so good. It was Black Friday, 25 bucks. That's great. You know, you just throw a magnetic. If Aaron says you donuts, put them all around that baby. Oh, honestly. If Endemans ever, yeah, that it can be sort of a...

They're all babies and donuts. Yeah, like a pastry nativity. That's your 2027 calendar right there. Fake baby and donuts. We sell eight. Now, Katie, just to be clear, the pitch is that if Sunny's coming around, then you put the fake baby... Fake baby in the living room. You've got the fake baby.

you go, the baby's sleeping, it's not time or something like that. You know, I just got the baby. Right. Your two pitches were, hey, leave some coffee cake at the front door and say, Mom and baby are home. They're doing great. And maybe that'll keep him. But then it led to, he's probably just going to show up with coffee cake in his mouth and go,

hey, where's the baby? So in that case, have a fake baby. Yeah, these are great place. These are great places. Yeah, these guys are smart. Yeah. We've got a moat. Hey, you're here to help, all right?

Yeah, I love these. Gareth and I, we pitch and we're dumb enough that we barely remember what happens afterwards. But I will say, the guys who pitched on this are fucking smart. I agree. Us or whoever, I love them what we're hearing. We probably have some sort of a doctor with us as a guest. Two great pitches. They are.

Maybe the guest helper on that one was Albert Einstein, because that's a genius idea. You've got the door bribe followed by the baby. distraction. Linked with a donut company. Yeah. Well, ideally, apparently we've got ends of it's ghosted. So, Katie, this is great news. I would say, I love, this is our first ever mid-update, but it's a win.

I agree. So now we're just, we're back to the baby for a second. Hey, Maddie, I need you to stay in there for two more weeks, kid. And then after that, she's going to listen. She and I are connected. She's a good kid. So, and then when you're born, hey, up to you. You want to fart and burp and scream do your thing, kid.

Your life starts. It's not on your mother's sleep schedule. It's on yours, Gabish. All right. Let's remember. No, but that's the truth. I know. No, no, no, no.

Everybody has babies and they go, I'm trying to put them on a schedule. I understand. They're not accessories, honey. Look, their life has started, honey. Are we trying to coerce or trying to keep the baby, you know what I mean? I'm now friends with, I'm choosing Maddie over Katie. I think he got lost along the way. Which happens, but I've never seen to pick the unborn.

Guess what? Maddie and I are a team here. Hey, Maddie, honey, do it. Do you want to come out tomorrow? Do whatever fuck you want. It's your life. You know what, Jake, screw you. I didn't put you on speakerphone.

She hasn't heard a single thing. Oh, that's wonderful. You snake, I'm going to be sunny and get a handjob by my wife on the porch next to your house. And look at your husband's butt while he's looking at ants. Oh, no. Can you imagine getting jacked off around ants? And I'd like to take a second to talk to Entemans real quick. Look, you didn't have to reach out.

But if it's you, really, who reached out, this baby's coming soon. Can we get some coffee cake over here? I was explaining Entomans to someone the other day who somehow didn't know what Entomans was. And I'm not going to lie, the word classy was thrown around. Holy shit. And Gareth never uses classy. Nah, I'm from a place called Brown Deer, okay? We don't know what Classes is.

But I know Entomins is classy. Katie, thank you for the call. Thank you, Katie. Way to go. Yeah, you'll hear from me soon. Let us know what happens with those donuts and that old man. Yep. Okay, well, too, boys.

See you, Katie. Bye, Katie. Thank you. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions.

Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fawler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelicki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

That was a HeadGum podcast. All video episodes of Season 1 are available now on Patreon, and Season 2 video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to Patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hi, I'm Drew Offiwalo. And I'm Jason Offoalo. And we host the HeadGum podcast, Two Idiot Girls. Each episode, we're discussing plenty of topics

that you would be giggling at a sleepover with your weird cousins. We talk about all kinds of things like weird dating horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgy you had once, or even a show you're loving and anything in between. So you can listen to Two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.