We're Here to Help - 256: Mother Daughter Stuff & All Laser Pointers (Or No Laser Pointers)

Episode Date: February 2, 2026

Gareth and Jake disrupt a helpful mother's morning routine. Then, they do battle with a Taekwondo Troll. Plus, a follow-up from Ep 250 "Dog Danger on the Gator Walk (with Ed Helms)."See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-256Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps, plus fries, and a medium soft drink for just $8. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Well, good afternoon. This is your little friend, Stevenberg, and this is a message going out to, all you fantastically brilliant vasectomy doctors. I have a little proposal for you all.

My wonderful friend and brother, Gareth Reynolds, is looking to get a bisectomy done because he is making the choice to not bring children into this world. And you know what? I respect that opinion. Nobody wants a bunch of little Gareth running around. Boy, try saying, try pluralizing Gareth with a list. That's not easy. Nobody wants a bunch of little Gareth running around when Gareth himself doesn't want that. So, doctors out there, what we are looking for, what we are wanting, if possible.

is for you to give our friend, Gareth, a vasectomy. Now, we'll pay for it. He's got COBRA. He's got great insurance. That's not the issue. Here comes the little angle we're taking. We would like to document this on a little thing called videotape. This is a plea.

This is a call to all vasectomy doctors in the lower 48 in the United States. Please, oh, please. Let our little friend, Gareth Reynolds, get a vesectomy doctor's in the lower 48th. get a vasectomy and let us videotape it. We're talking to hi-8, you know, like a gritty. You know, it'll look good. It'll be classy. It'll be artsy.

You will come off looking like an absolute hero. That's a burgundy. Thank you. Enjoy this message and enjoy this episode. Bye-bye. This is a headgum podcast. And we are back. So we're recording this January 15th.

Yes. Next week, Gareth, you are taking ayahuasca again. Yes. Walk us through what's going on. Well, you know, it starts. We've talked about it. I mean, it starts with the, you know, the startup is difficult. Yes.

The no caffeine, the no salt, the no sugar. The diet is so limited. It's just joyless. And you're doing ayahuasca once every six months now. Yeah. Is that recommended? Yes. So the idea of it, the shaman says, Gary.

Yeah, Gary. Gary, the shaman who does it in a van in Van Nuys. I am a shaman. I also, you know, I'm actually from Displains, Illinois. It's near Chicago. Like, you're just letting the fumes of the van come into the van. Is that really? Well, that's also part of the trip, brother.

Okay. All right. So I am a shaman. I'm also addicted to scratch-offs. By the way, let me know if you see any numbers on your journey. By the way, scratch-off addictions, which I've gone through. That does not surprise me at all. The funniest and dorkiest of all gambling.

So those of us who don't do scratch-offs, when we're behind you in line, we're not happy. I'll tell you what's the worst when you're the person in line, taking your time going, give me four of a, you know, the pyramids, actually, as if their strategy. I know. Can I get one crossword, the $3? Yeah.

And you're handing in your $4 winners and then you're letting it ride in the next verse. It really. It's really grim. It really is. When you're behind the person, you're like, just trying to. Even when you are the person. Yeah.

Because the problem is, is you're like, I'm not this person. And then you go like, $25,000. I got two of them. If I just get one more Apple? And you go like, $2.25 and you go like this. $25. I've won like 2% of scroof. But anytime a line is forming behind me,

I just, the hell that I feel. I'll tell you what I hate the most is behind, and this was more old school, it's not as much, or at least I'm not seen it as much. Old world cut out coupons at a grocery store. Do you remember the,

you would be there, and it would be like, someone would take a box out, and each one would get scanned. And you're like, Yeah, it's just that we're doing more of the electronic checkout, so we're not seeing it up close. That's still happening in the regular checkout.

They're still coming in with their Ziploc bag full of crazy shit while they're counting the amount of cranberries they just bought to make sure they have the deal. By the way, there was a game show in Japan where they took a guy, a comedian. I know this. Yes. Crazy. And put him in an apartment, took off all his clothes and said, you can only get things if you win it from,

calling shows and like magazine things and that idea of this guy starving to death. Yes. And then they keep messing with him. And it's the Truman show in the sense that they're broadcasting pretty much all of this and he's just in this little box not knowing what's going on in the outside world and he's becoming a huge star. The ending of that, I don't want to give it. So crazy.

And his story keeps going. Like what happened to him years later? Amazing. Amazing. But no, that is, that is the ultimate heat for survival clipping. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

Oh, that is one of those. You know what I'm like to do. You don't know what you're about to get into it. They're like, this is top five. I would say when a documentary starts and it kicks, nothing is better. But I will also say in this new world with three, so much content. There are so many bad documentaries now.

And they're poorly made, and it's goofy reenactments. But it's also, there'll be other things where I'm like, this wasn't worthy of a documentary. Yep. It'll be like, like, I got into bowling,

and then I bowled a 219. It happened. And you go, what, how the fuck are, and then, but they do all, it feels like a 30 for 30. Yeah.

So they know how to make the doc. It's almost as if AI, made this doc where you're like the voiceover's right where it's like he didn't even know what a turkey was and then he started getting and you're like shut up this is so

nothing no that you can tell they're stretching because of the amount of interviews before the moment they're talking about yes totally good documentary you used to just a good documentary they would just follow a subject for 10 years yes and then they would be like my god let's edit this together

finally and it's American movie is the best documentary. I agree completely. Crom is incredible. Amazing. There was like an era where you'd watch documentaries in movie theaters. Oh yeah.

American movie. I mean, I'm from Milwaukee. Like this, it was the... It's nearly perfect. It was the strangest experience ever. Was it really? Oh, it just... Well, because he was like a small town hero suddenly.

No, what? Oh, yeah. Well, you wouldn't talk to you'd be like, I saw Mark at the... Did you ever meet him? Openhand. No, my brother took film school with him and was like, yeah, he was a trip. And my brother's like, I smoked weed with him a couple times.

He was a trip. And then you'd see Mike. Mike Shank. Mike Shank, you'd see him around. He was into Scratchers. Actually, I was just going to say my buddy saw him buying scratches. Yeah. Oh, I love the Scratchers.

Oh, yeah. He's like, okay, I got a couple dollars on that one. I'm not going to tell Mark, though. Remember when he didn't tell Mark? I want $50, but I don't want Mark to know because he's going to want to to spend it on beer. I'm not what I like to do anymore. But anyway, yeah, I'm taking eyewaska.

Everybody, enjoy the show. Great. God, American movie. Oh, paradise. When he screams, you're like, what? And it was excellent. And I looked out, I remember thinking,

if I take that other hit of acid, that I'd probably be okay. I'm a hospital. hospital. So I did. Lost another two days. I loved that movie. And we are brought to you by Nirvana, the band, The Show, the movie. Okay. I am a huge fan of Nirvana, the band, the show, which is truly, it's unlike

anything you've ever seen before. and now they're making a movie, which I cannot wait to see. When they're planning to book a show at the Rivley, goes horribly wrong. Matt and Jay accidentally travel back to the year 2008. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Critics have been liking it. Variety says, it's insane that it exists. Slate says a thrilling, roof-shaking blast.

Sunshine State Complex calls it a comedic miracle. So the movie comes out February 13th. Again, it's called Nirvana with two ends, well, three, technically. The band, the show, the movie, and it's out February 13th. You can get tickets now. Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie. Go get it. This episode of the podcast has been brought to you by Dell.

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that prepare you to make positive impact on others. Walden University set a course for change, certified to operate by Shev. Hello. Hi. Hi. How are you guys? Good. How are you guys?

Good. Can we get your name, please? Sure. My name is Michelle. I'm calling from New York, Rough Age 35. Good work. How's New York? Are you the city or are you upstate?

Queens. What part of Queens? You know, flushing Bayside area. Sure. And what do you do in Queens, Michelle? Well, I'm a teacher, so I teach. So today we have a day off, which worked out perfectly. Great.

Michelle, what can we do for you today? All right. So I'm calling today because I'm having an issue with my mom. So when she watches my daughter, she'll come and she'll stay for like a few days at a time, which is nice. But the night before, you know, she likes to get herself ready for the morning. I leave early since I'm a teacher. So she'll do things like, you know, set up the coffee pot for the morning, which is great.

I appreciate that. One night I started noticing that she was leaving out her mug next to the coffee pot, just like in preparation for the morning. Okay, fine. Then, you know, the next night I notice it's a mug and then there's a bowl next to that as well with a spoon. Okay. And then the cereal box is all lined up.

up. So you see my counter. It's, you know, the mug, the bowl, the spoon, the cereal box lined up in preparation for the morning. And again, whatever, because she's watching my daughter. It's fine. So one night I see or I hear the cereal being poured into the bowl. And I'm figuring like, oh, maybe she's just having like a late night snack. But no, she wasn't having a late night's back. She was pouring her cereal into the bowl so that it's ready for the morning. So now we have a lineup. You know, the coffee cup, the dry cereal, no milk. She wants her morning to be like a curing machine. She just wants to walk out, press a button.

She's got boom, boom, boom, she's in. She's ready to go. Night her is doing morning her favors. That's cool. Yes. But my issue is, there's a few issues. So pouring out the cereal takes, you know, three seconds. So how much time is she really saving there?

That's number one. Number two is that leaving cereal out overnight is weird. And I think that it gets stale. She insists that it does not, but I disagree. And then also, I like she's attracting bugs into the kitchen because there is this. You know, the first thing, Michelle, I got to interrupt. The first two, I'm not with you. I completely agree.

It's not getting stale. It's not getting stale. It's not getting stale. That's why you have the milk. Yeah, but also these arguments are crazy. But the first time you're right is bugs. Now, I'm just telling you this because we're coming at your reel. That's why you called in.

We're not one of the teachers in the conference who's going like totally. Your mom's insane. We're going to fucking give it to you straight. And here's the truth. That attracts bugs. Keep going. It does. And then the last thing that I, you know, think is that she should maybe broaden her horizons,

eat something a little more delicious than. Stop. See, this is crazy. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. Michelle. And this is getting personal to me now, and I'm going to tell you why. Because I have daughters in a wife. The way daughters treat their mothers is wild.

And it is not the same as the way sons treat their mothers. And I know this is a guy and also the way Gareth treats Pam. Daughters are so annoyed by moms. Wow. Yeah. In a way, Gareth, that is not lined up with what we did. I'm not kidding. It is different, brother.

Do you, sidebar, do you love it? I mean, you kind of are playing with an advantage. No, I'm not like you, Gareth. You're not like, oh, this is easy for me. No, I'm not like me. I'm not in competition with my wife, you fucking maniac. I'm just saying it, I understand. Who hurt you?

A lot of people. Your daughters. Jesus Christ, Gareth. No. So you're saying that this is a daughter, mother, by. I'm saying three of these issues, the brought in your horizon. Do you want this?

This is weird. My mom's joining me crazy simply because she's my mom. Michelle, bugs. I also, I could not agree with you more. I think the thing is you've also let these arguments fester in your head, and you sort of are starting to believe that they make sense. Suggesting that there's a better breakfast,

you've kind of, you've been percolating on this. Jake is right. You know there's a better breakfast. Michelle, you're right. Michelle, you're right. Michelle, stop it. You're right. But come on.

But Michelle, then there's going to be three farm fresh eggs sitting out in a spatula. Jake is right. We're not going to go to a farmer's market on your counter. She's helping herself out in the morning. You need to get to the root of this problem, which is you can't be leaving food out. And everything you said, Jake is right. Because guess what? Because Gareth is right, too.

Because guess what? If you win the other one, you're going to have like, afraid omelets in a bowl. You will. You're going to go, wait a second. I miss cereal. I miss, you're going to hear her like whisking into a bowl late at night, cutting peppers.

Because you decided that she needed a more balanced breakfast. Yeah. It's not what you want, Michelle. I mean, but I asked her once. I said, why are you pouring this out? And she was like, oh, it'll be fine overnight. I'm just getting it ready. And I said, okay, whatever.

I just left it alone. But then there's, so after I emailed and there was. there's one other incident that kind of pushed me over the edge. Talk to us. So it was, you know, the serial in the bowl has been happening, right? And whatever. So then, then. I got to say the smurf cup is growing on me.

I agree. I'll tell you what, Pam, give me this. This is my little smurf cup. Cheeky monkey. You are. She is right. I appreciate it. You are a cheeky monkey.

All right. Keep going, Michelle. What were you saying? So, so then there was one night where, like, afternoon. coffee that was still in the pot. She then poured it in her mug also within the lineup because she said she was going to warm it up in the microwave

in the morning. Mother daughter stuff. I can't engage with the mother daughter inside of you. She's taking stale coffee and reheating it. That's all part of the same. That's all part of the same. I love the evidence. By the way, that could be a fresh cup of coffee.

We can't, for those of you listening, she's just showing us a picture of a cup of coffee. which could be for many times. Yes, but Michelle, I will say thank you for the evidence. You've done a great job. But in this photo you sent, because now there's a new photo. The bowl of cereal is empty. And wait, hold on a second, though.

Now, let me ask you this, because behind the cup of coffee, there is a little container of tomatoes and potatoes. Now, that's always out and that's yours. Well, that's where you're supposed to store tomatoes and potatoes. It is true. I agree. You can't keep them in the fridge. I highlight that, Jake, because I think just to lay the foundation, if we go the bug route, that could be very helpful.

If we're saying there's bugs brought on by the morning dish. They're eating the potatoes and the tomatoes. They're getting in there. Tomatoes, the potatoes, the tomatoes. Okay, so. You have to protect them. Michelle, you've given a hell of a setup. Thank you.

Some crazy stuff in there. A very likable person. I'm with you, Michelle. I think it's weird for somebody to leave food out overnight. especially cereal. Saves you no time. And what are your thoughts before we get into pitching, Michelle?

Yeah. Just when you hear the idea and obviously I trust you, you're going to be honest. Do you like the notion of bugs? Yeah, I think that's a good, I think that's a good avenue to go down. Because there is a way to...

But I don't like bugs and she knows that I really don't like bugs. And what does she think about rodents? Rodents? Oh, she's not a fan. So here's what I say you do. Take tiny little bites of the potatoes. Now you have to do this yourself because it's this podcast. So we never go a straight line.

And you need to film yourself taking the bites and get something that looks like rodent poo. Little black plastics, put it on, and then before she comes, you leave it for her to find. put your hand in her cereal bowl, like your hands a little rat, moving around. So that the food jumps to the side a little. So when she gets there in the moment, she goes like this, oh, my God,

because here's what we're looking to do to mom. Oh, my God, I brought a rat, and we want her to never tell you. Another way to even make more of an impact with that, put some of the rat poop in the cereal. Put it under it. Well, we don't wear a fridge. going to eat it.

Yeah, but it's fake red. It's just going to get covered. Yeah, but it could be like little chocolate shavings. Like, I think... We don't want her to like it, do we? It'll be tasty. We don't. We don't want her to go like this.

Oh, my God. The rat shit tastes like chocolate. Well, I've got an update. Hello? I'm going to believe... I'm just sitting up my rat poop for the morning right now. They're okay. She goes to her husband.

Michelle's house has a magic rat. She's eating rat shit and I'm loving it. It poos chocolate shavings. Dennis, you have to get over to Michelle's and eat this rat shit. It's like cocoon with all these old people leaving stuff out. And then Michelle's got to go to house to house and sort of Santa Claus the poop everywhere. She calls it and she goes, there's like nine old people that think there's a magic rat in my house. I hate this podcast.

Okay, so Michelle, what do you think we've got two roads to go down? One road is you set it up and tell her, hey, mom, there was a goddamn rat in my house last night eating your cereal or two. And this, I'm going to say the B word for no reason. Leave it for the bitch to find out our own. Wow. I'm only saying that because this is a daughter. How much coffee has gone into that mug today? Michelle, you want to know why I'm saying that, Michelle?

Because let's be honest for the first time in this call, this is how. we feel about mothers as daughters. This fucking... No, Michelle, you're afraid she's going to hear it. This bitch puts cereal in. This bitch leaves milk on the counter. She's her mother.

It's just don't let that don't let that sway you on the decency of these pitches, Michelle. Here's how guys view their moms. I love my mom, but she's crazy. Here's how girls view their minds. mom's. This bitch is driving me crazy. And here's what mothers do to their dogs.

Can I get you something? Can I get you something? This bitch is asking everything. Here's what dads do. I'll be in Florida for nine months. And the kids feel like, I love my dad. It's all backwards, man. Oh, no. Sounds like it's getting personal. This is therapy.

Okay, Michelle. Oh, my God. Michelle, what do you think? You got two roads. I think that I might have to bring it to her attention because she's not the most observant. That's fine. I fear that she won't notice if I take bites out of my own potatoes on the counter and leave chocolate sheving. I think I, then you just humiliated yourself.

But I just ate raw potatoes. I don't think she's really going to notice that. Which is actually super good for you. I know what humiliated. I would say. still do it. And then if it needs to be brought to her attention, just be like, mom, there's like a rat that's been coming up on the counter. It's been nibbling the potatoes. There's been like rat shit on the counter. Have you noticed that? There actually was a mouse

in my beast pretty recently. And my husband had to take care of it. Okay. So forget about rat because the mouse is real. Go to mouse. But here's what I would love you to try, Michelle. Yeah. I would love mom to discover it on her own. So maybe he had, to mom first? Does mom know that there was a mouse in the basement? I don't know if you can hear about that. Well, that's the first thing I'll do. That's the first thing I would do. So that she goes like, oh, the house has mice. And then she goes, maybe Michelle should clean up a little bit more. Yeah. Because we all know how moms are with daughters, too. It's a complicated dance, Gareth. Okay. It is as wavy as those bangs. Thank you. So here's what I would do, Michelle. Here's what I'm hoping, actually. I think Gareth,

might be right and the smartest way of this is just to tell her. But here's what I'm hoping for the fun of the show. Yeah. I would love you to get a text from your mom or you to have your mom go. Bad news. And you with a straight face have to go, huh? And go, what happened? What happened?

And your mom go, a mouse attacked my cereal. I'm so certain. And you go like this. Oh, mom, that's awful. And she goes, we can't leave food. I don't even know if the potatoes are safe. I think that's very possible. I think that's very possible.

I think if you do this for like a few days out of a week, she will notice. If she doesn't, then we have the next step. Then we just straight up. Then you tell her. Then you tell her. Every day it goes in there, put your hand in and then open your hand up. So they go everywhere.

And then knock it over one day. And then I would still. Don't put chocolate shavings in. Still, we don't want to make it tastier. But still bite the potatoes. Film yourself doing all of that stuff for us. Just bite the potatoes. It's funny.

Yeah, but I also think it's good for you. I mean, oh, my God, I got to throw all these fucking potatoes. By the way, do this. Knock over the thing. And then the next day, if she doesn't say anything, knock over the potatoes and tomatoes. Yeah, I mean, right now I think I have some tomatoes that have some garlic out. So we could knock some things over.

I don't think a mouse is going to eat. garlic. I was also going to flag it. Okay. Because what you don't want your mom to do is go like this. I know it's not a mouse and you go, why are you? It ate garlic. And it had a bunch of the garlic.

And then she goes, I think it's an adult sneaking and taking tiny bites. By the way, your lips are rashy, Michelle. And you smell terrible. By the way, Michelle, you're still pretty bad for school. I know it's in, Michelle, I know. Those are human bites. In two weeks, a woman calls it and goes, hi, I need help from this podcast. My daughter is taking tiny bites out of garlic, tomatoes, potatoes, potatoes,

and not get my cereal over. My daughter's eating garlic and blaming it on a fake mouse. Maybe move the garlic. It's apparently a deterrent to mice if she decides to look this up. Okay. She probably won't, but that's a good note. Yeah, thank you, Natalie. So, Michelle.

I appreciate you, Natalie. What are you going to do? So I think I'm going to, I think I like the route of trying to make her realize it and come to it on her own. I think that would be the funnier option. because it'll be, it'll be a ball like a long play, but I'm okay with that, you know. I think I'll be a fun way.

So maybe I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll bite some potatoes, we'll see. Well, please. You will, by the way, Michelle, your photo evidence from the earlier ones were so good. Just keep doing photo evidence. Do the photo evidence of after the quote unquote mouse attacked the cereal. And then do this.

If it doesn't work in three days, let's move on and confront her. Why don't you? show us, if you can, an escalation of how much you're trying to make your mother notice. Like, let's start small. Smart. Take a picture. Let's show a little disturbance. You know, the cereal may be knocked out a little bit.

Maybe day three, the bowl is turned to the side and the cereal spilled. There's a potato with a bite taken out of its... I think that's really fun. On top. It'll be like... Like, change, if you go back to the beginning of the show, look at Gareth's hair, and then look at it now, and he claims he's not using anything.

So you see how the amount of change will go? So my day four, You're losing it. You're losing it. That wasn't great. It was really funny in my head, but it came out soft. But what I would do is I also think, at worst case, that is making it so she's noticing it, even if she's not mentioning it.

So then when you bring it up, she's going to go, oh, yeah, I did think I was strange. I think this is exactly right. Yeah, I get like, mom, I think something's going on. Yeah. But if you can get, do you and your mom ever text or is it all in person? No, we text. Okay. if you could get her to text about this so that it'd be really funny for the show.

Or if you could somehow record, I would love to hear your mom go. I've got news. Yeah. The conversation would be great. The idea of her telling you there's a mouse problem in your house and there cannot be any food on the counter, including the tomatoes and potatoes, would be a great ending. Michelle, thank you the price for this. middle of the road advice as you've got to give us as much content as possible.

I agree. Because you're on fire. Yes. Yes. So we want to solve it, but if you could take us along for that journey as much as possible, that's very appreciated. Michelle, thank you. I'm in.

Thank you so much. And we were brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, Squarespace, how we love you. Squarespace is where you go to create an online present to appear professional. you launch your passion project with Squarespace. We love Squarespace. We use Squarespace all the time. My website, Gareth Reynolds.com, is a Squarespace website.

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Hi there. How are y'all doing? Good. How are you all doing? Oh, I'm, I am fantastic. Where are you all calling from? Indiana. Indiana, famous for the auls. What's your name, please?

We're going to go with Mitchell. Mitchell, Mitchell, and where in Indiana? You're in a city, you in the country? Uh, in the city. Uh, okay, great. Um, and how old you, Mitch, good old, good old South mend. Um, 35. 35.

And what do you do? What's your day to day? Uh, I'm actually a counselor, an addiction counselor. Ooh, I love it. Uh, so Mitch, 35 counselor, Indiana, what can we do for you today? So, this is the issue that I'm having. Um, my wife and I, we have our daughter in martial arts. It's not jujutsis, sorry, Jake.

But so in Taekwondo, we have her in Taekwondo, and she's been in it for past a year and a half or so. She's doing great. She's in between a green belt and a blue belt. Wow. But just recently, we've noticed that there is this, quote, parent, unquote, total mouth breeder that has a laser pointer, and he's shining it on the kids.

Like, is they're waiting to get in line to go into their class? He's shining it on these kids. What is that? And multiple parents. But why is he doing this? Because he's an idiot. But is there any actual practical reason he's doing it, or he's just a lunatic? He's just doing it because he's a chode.

I don't know. But what does that mean? So it's just an adult man? Because if I'm with my daughter's, an adult man has a laser printer on my daughter's chest, I'm going to go, can I help you in my man? He hasn't, he has not done it to my child yet, but it's gotten to the point where some of the kids have even said, like, put it away or I'll put it away for you.

Well, this is a bunch of Taekwondo masters. Yeah, I know. You're just going to kick him right in the giblets. So, like. That's what I was thinking, Mitchie. And I got to the point where he was doing. doing it in front of the instructors, did it to a girl while she's walking down the ramp. And I yelled at him. I said, put the fucking thing away.

Who are you? Me? Because Mitch, that's my, that's my move too, brother. 100%. So is that justifiable? My wife's like, I'm like, hey, no. No, no, no, Mitch, you're dead right. Next to me. Thank you. Thank you. I feel justified and validated. Vindicated, too. Is this dashboard congressional to you? Vindicated? Um, yes. So then I'm just like throwing shade at him. My wife's like, you are going to black out. You are about ready to throw this guy through a window. I'm like, yeah, I am. Mofo, if he wants to step in front, I will show him what it's like. Ooh. You are that guy. Mitch, do you? Like, George stands in that episode of Seinfeld where he's like, I don't know outside because I'll try you know what I like.

But, Matt, let me ask you a question. You do taekwanda? Yeah, let's get some size on you here, Mitch. That's what I was going to do. You a taekwondo guy? I am not a taekwondo guy. I'm actually a boxing guy. I am 5'10 and about 2-885. Oh, she.

So you can pack a punch. So I shit bricks. You know. And how much do you box? Can you throw hands? Can I feel... Dude, he's like Gomer Pyle. Oh, you would murder this guy.

I mean, it'd be two hits. Me hitting him and him hitting the ground. Okay, I understand. And how old is laser pointer? Laser pointer is, let's, I don't know, because kids are a little bit older. I'm 35. I don't know, maybe mid-40s, late 40s.

So Mitch, give me a pitch of what you know about this guy as if he were your friend. What I know about this guy is that he is a favorite of the owner of the school. So when I emailed the school, yes. When I emailed the school and said, hey, could you guys please do something? Because obviously the parent saying something,

he just plays stupid and he gasped like that. I don't know anything. What are you talking about? Oh, he's doing it like a bit? Yes. Yes, and it's a terrible bit. And I have bits, and they're funny. Yeah, you do.

does not have a good bit at all. He's right though, Jake. By the way, Mitch is Eric. But we know he's right. Oh, my God. But Mitch. Okay. I have bits.

I have point guard ears. I'm funny. I know it. So, but here's the thing, Mitch. So everything you're saying, so what I'm getting is this guy is doing the laser pointer on the kids because he thinks he loves. he likes this toy and he thinks it's funny. Yes, sir.

Okay. And I agree with you. It's not funny. And it's also not appropriate to do anything regarding kids. So if he was doing that at a bar to grownups, what are you going to do? He's doing it to kids at a Taekwondo class? Right. Well, there's a way to handle this.

Right. The mats. So you're saying Mitch Challeng. is laser. I don't know yet. Okay. All right. Is there more to get out there, Mitch? I didn't really. No, no, not really. I mean, they wanted the guy's name. I'm like,

it doesn't matter what the guy's name is. So I actually used to do I used to do youth ministry. So the games that we would do in youth ministry, it's almost pretty psychotic.

Like I would take I would take mayonnaise and freeze it and then scoop it out with ice cream scoop so it looks like vanilla ice cream cream and then I put hot fudge on it and then I tell the kids hey I got you guys some ice cream sunda enjoy I just take it too far

like Winston does on New Girl Mitch Mitch why would you do that again and why does that have to do it because it was funny all right because it's funny so I thought what I thought initially was get a squirt gun and every time he shined

I have that written down. I don't hate that to be perfectly. I have that written down here. Truthfully, don't hate that. I had floodlight. Don't hate that. And so what I would do is... The big old loom in flashlight.

Yes, I would get your most powerful, like military-grade flashlight or a cop light. And when he does that, you do it right in his eye. And he goes like, hey, hey, and you go like this, it's a bit. You go, you do the kids, I do you. And then if he does it, you go, if you do that to me, you're going to meet these fists. But you're picking on kids, so I'm defending the kids. And he goes, it's a joke.

And you go, so is mine. So is mine. This is a joke. It's a joke. So is mine. This is a joke, too. I used to do jokes to kids and I would give them mayonnaise ice cream, Sundays. Why?

Because it's a joke. Yeah, that part I'd leave out. Because once again, I think that that's talking past the close. But I think that's right. I do think like if you're as big as you, something like that, the only other avenue I can think is, well, two. One is you can have, if you go to, you said he's like friends with the owner of the place.

Yeah. If you go there and say it's like distracting for your kids, it's ruining the experience for your kids, something like that, but that's the way last fun. I agree. And I do like squirt gun best. I think if you start squirting him while you're there.

I agree. By the way, one intense like, Machine gun squirt? Yeah. So, Mitch, what do you? Yeah, go ahead. Like key chain super soakers. I mean, you can get something that packs a real punch that's tiny.

Like, I remember that from when I was a kid. So, Mitch, right now in the world of floodlight squirt gun, are you going to actually do this? Oh, 100%. Okay. Do you want us to pitch? Do you want to find something that the three of the, us are all happy with of what is the best move to do there?

Is this a route you like? And is this going to get you in trouble with your wife? Oh, I don't think so. Okay. So here's the problem with the squirt gun in a Taekwondo studio. The other people are going to have to clean up the water, most likely you. You're going to look like the bad guy because the master's going to go, hey, man, you honestly can't get the mats wet because a kid. could slip, so could you drive it?

Well, he actually, so he does this normally in the lobby. Like, it's not even around the match. We're not even inside yet. Let's go. I think that's fine. What do you think? I mean, I feel like he can just, like, and do we want this to be attached to Mitch? Do we want this guy to know Mitch is doing it?

Mitch has already called him out. Okay. Let's go. Yeah, people already know that I've had it with the, I've had it with Gomer. Let's just call him Gomer. Okay, so one option is the squirt. gun, that is very effective. I would probably lean towards

fighting fire with the same kind of fire, and I would go light. Because if he was squirting the kids with water, then you fire hose him. But he's just doing that annoying little red dot because he's like, pretty funny.

A little dot on you. So if you go pretty funny... What if I got a laser pointer? I was thinking that, yes. I think he's going to find that as a, he thinks laser pointers are funny. Unless you got a really bright one and went right in his eye.

So I got to up him with... Okay. Okay, wait. So what you need to do is you just need to heighten so he goes like, I don't like when it happens to me. And you're saying, I don't like when it happens to the kids. And my pitch on the laser pointer to escalate would maybe be get a few other parents involved and you all get laser

pointers. And once he starts doing it, you all target him like a group of assassins. That's fun. Or do you give a lot of, All for the kids. Yeah, that's great, too. Yes. Okay.

All right. I like that, too. Give it to the kid. I could give one to my daughter and just be like, what? Yes. When this idiot starts pointing it, just do it right on his, right on his nose. Don't get a guy. Mitch, but here's what you could do, Mitch.

Maybe burn it. The laser pointers cost a buck or two. Nothing. Oh, if that. So you could spend 50 bucks and hand it to every kid and go, as they're walking in, go, if he gets you, get him back. and then when they go and have a bucket and go hand them back, guys. Yep. And you have a bucket like a trick or treat.

You go, here are the laser pointers. Please put them back. You're not allowed to have them in class. They can't be a distraction. But as you're walking in, everybody have these. So if this guy gets you, everybody get him back. And what's going to happen then is they're going to venture up to say, no laser pointers in the lobby.

So you're taking his little bit and you're putting it on steroids so that they say, you can't have steroids in competition. Why not? That's right. Right now in Jiu-Jitsu, you can take steroids. That is the beauty. You're going to create a laser pointer problem. They're going to have to make a rule.

And so you have so many laser pointers. Spend $100, get $100 worth of laser pointers. So there are so many laser pointers and then have three in each hand to just be going like this, like a little light show. Yeah. People are like, okay. The laser pointers were fine when this one

guy who's a friend of the owner was doing it, every kid can't have a laser pointer and you go, okay, so no, it's either no laser pointers or all laser pointers. Ooh, yes. And then I think when you want to bury the hatchet with this guy, when he, this blows up in his face, tell me I want to take him out for ice cream and then you bang, boom, you do the mayonnaise. That his ass twice.

100%. By the way, that's a great finish. And then gaslight him. I'll have regular ice cream and be like, what's wrong with you? I'm just trying to be nice to you. You did. Oh, yeah, that's exactly right. If you got him at the end and he goes,

it says like frozen mayonnaise, you go like this, my wife made it, you piece of shit. Put a laser pointer as I run. So, I think we found a very solid solution. But the real important question is,

is what do you think? Honestly, I thought initially, like squirt gun, I'm going with it. You know, I've been listening to you, guys since day one.

You know what? Jake and Gareth are going to have something to say. Squirt gun was funny, but the laser pointer for the kids, either everybody gets a laser pointer or nobody gets a lot of. And by the way, that's your mission statement when the head talks to you and goes like, hey Mitch, you can't have a bucket of laser pointers. You go, I agree. So then we either all have them or nobody has them, right?

How do you want to do this? Totally up to you. sir or ma'am and they go well we're kind of fine with my family friend having one doing the kids and you go that seems crazy right and they'll go are you playing favorites yeah and they'll go i guess that is crazy so then no laser pointers and you go put the sign up then soon as that signs up they're gone and then gareth is right would you like a scoop of ice cream who wants some ice cream all my enemies who wants some ice cream yeah this hot fudge is on top and too i don't care yeah This hot fudge was delicious.

The ice cream tasted mayonnaise. Ice cream is mayonnaise, idiots. The look of disappointment on children's faces that will have brought joy to mine. It's an interesting thing for a youth pastor to find pleasure. Mitch, I'll be honest with you. But outside of that, this has been a lot of fun. So, fantastic.

Hey, Mitch, I think we're going to win here. Are you going to do it? And if you do it, will you take photos of all the laser pointers and all the kids, if they do it, and they're all laser points. pointing the guy, will you film it? Yes. And film you going like this.

Get them, get them. Yeah. Just turn it into utter chaos. Because the first day should be fun. The guy will be laughing too. He'll be like, I love laser pointers. And so, but get it crazy. And then get the faculty involved.

And they're going to have to say, we're going a little laser crazy. So then you go to your. pitch, shall we do everybody gets one or nobody gets one? Yep, perfect. Will you please follow up with us? When are you going to do this much?

Well, I'll feel the situation out tomorrow. We normally take my daughter on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so we'll see what it is tomorrow, and then I might be making a bulk order on Amazon Tuesday night. So it could be as soon as

next week. I don't know. Fantastic. I really hope he doesn't, I really hope he does not stop just so that we can do this. Yeah, I agree. And this will get him to stop. Yeah. Yep. Fantastic. Thank you.

All right, Mitch. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Bye, buddy. Hello. Hello. Hello?

Hello? Hello. Hi, welcome back. We know your follow up. That's all we know. What is your name? And where are you calling from? And what was your first call, please?

Yeah, my name is Zach, calling from the Wilmington, North Carolina area. And my call was dog-eating gator bait. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes, sir. Ed Helms was on that day. I'm sure he has remembered it when they were. Will you just remind, Jake and I are fully familiar with the call.

Will you just remind the audience again a little bit what? the first call was specifically? Yeah, so basically my neighborhood's been having an older man, let's call him J.B., convincing everyone that a dog has been eaten by a 12-foot gator, kind of been scaring a lot of the older people that live in the neighborhood, so they have one more thing to check off when they're telling anyone what not to do. They get to add a dog is being eaten by a gator. So wanting to debunk that and also

Stop spreading fear to the neighbors Was kind of like the setup of that Okay And what was I just did Ed Helms's podcast yesterday Oh nice And we were talking about this call Do you remember I remember we were filling things with meat A meat sack

Remember we were putting meat and stuffed animals Is that what you did? Classic Yeah so that's actually what I ended up doing and I believe I didn't have a call. The only person that was in on it was Gareth. I think everyone else said it was a bad idea, but I went ahead and went with that pitch.

I think it is a bad idea because you're training the gate to eat things in meat sacks. What? Oh, my God, you did it. Oh, okay. So we're looking at a stuffed Doberman pincher that you've put on some leaves in the, oh, now in the water. So it's in the swampy territory.

Now, what is in this stuffed Doberman meats? it's a hot dog I filled it with three separate hot dogs all the way down to the to the butt area of the dog I wish somebody watched you doing that my wife did and they're not afraid of gators anymore

he's like don't walk your dog over here there's some guy who stuffs hot dogs in the animals I just saw a man put hot dogs in a stuffed dog and try to feed it to a gator that's scary that is scary so I will say when I when I did it

I had to figure out a way to get it to a pond without people noticing what I was doing. So I think I made it a little more awkward and I put it in a white trash bag and was carrying this stuffed dog with hot dog meat in it. So there was definitely four or five different people that saw me do it, but they obviously didn't know it was in the bag. How long ago did this happen? So I sent a follow-up email.

The timeline was about a week and a half to two weeks. and it had been eaten, if you look at the pictures. We're looking at the... There's about two or three spots. Wait, what? Where I went... Yeah, there's two or three spots where a gator or something ate just the hot dogs out of the animal. Okay.

I went back two days later and the animal was completely gone. So... Well, maybe I'm not sure it out. Let's just be clear. I didn't realize we were looking at the after effect of the swamp. So it looks like the... Brain of the dog was eaten. A dog just ate the hot dogs out of that fake dog.

The foot of the dog was eaten and the dog's ass had a hot dog eaten out of it too. But we don't know if it was a gator. No, we don't. We don't. We don't. It could have been rats. A gator would have eaten the whole thing. You think a gator took little nibbles?

I've seen gators of nibble. I don't really know. We have weird animals here. What other kind of animals could have eaten those hot dogs? Anything. Every animal in the welder. The animal in jungle wants a hot dog. I mean, hot dogs are me.

My theory is that something ate the hot dogs out of it, and then a gator came the next day and took it into the water. That's not my theory. I choose to believe, too, Zach. Yeah, I don't believe the theory is we put hot dogs in a stuffed dog, another animal ate the hot dogs, and then a gator goes, I'm going to eat a stuffed animal. Look at that.

I don't believe that's accurate. I believe that this was a nothing experiment. And I agree with Ed Helms and his point of view that this was a waste of an opportunity. I'll be honest, now that we're post all of this and the dust has settled a little bit, not sure why I co-signed it. And I'll be even more honest. I'm not sure why you went with it. Yeah, I don't.

All that happened is you lost money on hot dogs and an animal. What did we prove on this? God is real. We proved. That is true. I believe that we prove that the ponds are potentially dangerous. We know that. There's gators in there.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. Now, Zach, Zach, hold on. They're not dangerous to eat hot dogs. That means everybody Googles their baseball games. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Neil deGrasse Tyson's talking for a minute. Are we not now suggesting that with the ingestion of the dogs,

taken away, the pond is dangerous, so maybe not what, walking your dogs near it is the right idea. Correct. Yeah, that's why I think the QR code was a second pitch, but I was honestly not sure how to go about that. So that's why I wanted to see any suggestions. Jake, we don't, we don't want dogs walking near there. They're going to get the hot dogs eaten out of their ass. I'm trying to live in reality. Enjoy that.

What do you think you proved that animals in a swamp would like to eat hot dogs in a stuffed animal? Don't take your dogs near this area. But is that the... Yes. Well, so Zach didn't believe that. So now Zach's on the side of...

Oh, so Zach thought nothing will eat a hot dog. He thought it was fine. He thought walk your dog wherever you want. It's no big deal. He thought it was fearmongering. Exactly. Right, but this, so Ed and I were talking yesterday and he goes, because his show is very organized. He writes something, it's like very structured.

Just like this show. And he goes, it's really funny how different we are. He goes, I've thought a lot about the Gata, And I went like, eh? And he goes, I don't understand the logic of it. And I went like, yeah, I think it was just stuffed meats. We just have a fun. Now that I'm listening to it, I'm nervous.

He's right. No, he's wrong. Okay, explain why? Because Zach was the skeptic. Zach thought. Of course a gator would eat a hot dog. Zach thought it was a, listen, we're on the caller's side. Zach had a different POV.

Right, Zach thought an animal would never come out of this. thought that there was a lot of fear-mongering going around about walking your dogs near this area. So, Zach, went to Toys R Us or whatever a toy store is now, put a bunch of hot dogs inside of this thing, and now Zach says, okay, look, I'm not sure if this guy's fear-mongering, if what he's saying happened or didn't happen,

but I'll tell you one thing, I put a bunch of hot dogs and a stuffed animal and something fucking ate it, and this dog ended up in water. Gone. So I don't know what happened. This is interesting. It's not as safe as I, Zach, initially thought. And is that what you learned, Zach?

It is what I learned, but I think that there's other dangerous animals out there now that we can pin on, not just the gators. But hey, whatever. But for you, you think that old guy's right, be careful with your dogs. And before you thought, nah, don't be careful with your dogs near a swamp full of gators. Stop with the attitude. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Okay, so then I need to ask the community something.

The bell's getting rung. Well. Zach, to you, is this a bell ring? Yes. It's a bell ring that it proved a point. That's a bell ring. You went, you went into a skeptic. It is a bell ring.

A bell ring is you have a problem. We fixed the problem. We did. Zach was the problem. So I'm going to ask the community on this one. Right. Bell ring or no bell ring? I will say that Ed Helms, he did bring up that.

that if you run in a zigzag that gators, it's harder to get to you. But I did look that up at the fact and debunked it. That's not true. So there's this. It's not because it creates a closer, I guess, straight to you when you zigzags. So you cut off. It's terrible advice. We'll ask him if he wants to put some hot dogs on his back, go down to North Carolina and run it a zigzag.

So we're going to call this as of now a mixed result. The audience comment on whatever you view this on. Bell ring or no bell ring. We can put it up for a vote. We could do a vote too. But let's see if people are responded. And then if we need to, we can do what we need to pick. Because I don't know.

This is new territory for us for me. Mostly it's a really clean premise. There's a clean problem. And we have to solve it or not. Zach, do you feel like the problem you initially called is still a problem? Yes, part of it, because I still don't know if the guy's telling the truth or not. But the dog that had hot dogs and it got eaten.

You're just trying to get a win here. Of course. We're one for two, but I think we did win on one out of two. Meat out near a swamp. Dogs are meat. This was not external meat. Dog, this is not, yeah, well, that's what I'm saying. The zigzag doesn't work either.

But now that we know that if there's meat inside of a stuffed animal, it's gone. That's not good. Don't walk your dog there. Hold on. That goes for everybody. But do you stop? Kids too. Stop.

Stop selling your pit. Do you really believe in your, the peak of your intelligence? Don't do this. I am. This is real life. Yeah, don't do that. That this, and I'm trying to figure it out, I don't know for me. Do you think this is a bell ring for the integrity of our show?

I'm not saying that I think. Let me. I'm not saying this is the most vigorous ringing in the history of the show. Well, let me, I'm going to answer your question by asking Zach a question. Zach, did you think the hot dog dog would go underwater or be gone or be eaten? I thought that the hot dog would be gone with the dog, but I didn't think the hot dog would be gone and the dog not gone. If that makes sense.

It doesn't. I'll be honest, I think you've carved out a third lane. But it's all gone. So the hot dogs for sure are gone. The dog is gone. But we don't know what ate it. And then somebody litter, it's litter, Gareth. Somebody might have just walked up and picked up and picked up a litter direction.

You could, if you filled, if you put socks out there, somebody might throw out to so they're taking a walk. Let me ask you this, sec. Is there trash out there when you go and walk? There's not. Okay. Clean. Let's have people vote

The trash he put out Let's have people vote That now is it means Guess what Somebody cleaned up trash And threw out the hot dogs You like you like Run a mile to walk a block

Don't walk your dog near a swamp That is a I think that's a valid message We started with Zach is more on board with that than when we started That's why I'd say the bell rings That's true Zach's logic is not the logic of most And that is

You can walk a little dog near 100 Gators and now he's going, whoa, that's not safe. Yeah, I'm not saying that, I'm not saying I understand the rules of the game as much. But we are on his team. But we are on his team and he's less upset about what this guy was saying. Whether what that guy's saying is true or not, the bottom line is Zach agrees more with the idea of not putting your dog in harm's way here. But I appreciate that because that is the peak of your intelligence.

Zach, tell him to stop. But that's good logic. You're talking to a guy. That makes sense. The lesson of this episode is carry more hot dogs with you when you're in nature. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you for the call.

Thank you, Zach. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help. POD to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler.

The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a headgum podcast.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hi, I'm Drew Offalo. And I'm Jason Offoalo. And we host the HeadGum podcast, Two Idiot Girls. Each episode, we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at a sleepover with your weird cousins.

We talk about all kinds of things, like weird dating horror stories. stories, maybe a really bad wedgy you had once, or even a show you're loving and anything in between. So you can listen to Two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.