We're Here to Help - 259: Crochet Court & Very Noise Very Loud

Episode Date: February 9, 2026

Gareth and Jake go full Atticus Finch on a yarn situation. Then, they yuck a couch sleeper's yum. Plus a follow-up to Ep. 233 "Tat-two."See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-259Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Well, good afternoon. This is your little friend, Steven Berg, and this is a message going out to all you fantastically brilliant vasectomy doctors. I have a little proposal for you all. My wonderful friend and brother, Gareth Reynolds, is looking to get a bisectomy done because he is making the choice to not bring children into this world. And you know what? I respect that opinion. Nobody wants a bunch of little Gareth running around. Boy, try saying, try plurizing. Gareth with a list, that's not easy. Nobody wants a bunch of little Gareth running around when Gareth himself doesn't want that. So doctors out there, what we are looking for, what we are wanting, if possible, is for you to give our friend Gareth a vasectomy. Now, we'll pay for it. He's got Cobra. He's got great insurance. That's not the issue. Here comes the little angle we're taking. We would like to document this on a little thing called videotape. This is a

plea, this is a call to all vasectomy doctors in the lower 48 in the United States. Please, oh, please, let our little friend, Gareth Reynolds, get a vasectomy, and let us videotape it. We're talking to high eight, you know, like a gritty, you know, it'll look good, it'll be classy, it'll be artsy, you will come off looking like an absolute hero. That's a burgundy. Thank you. Enjoy this message and enjoy this episode. Bye-bye.

This is a headgum podcast. Husband of the year, Jake Johnson. We are back. Why simply asked when was Valentine's Day? So what's the deal? You don't do anything? What do you think of Valentine's Day? Stupid.

I think I really find most of them stupid. But same. I just don't care. I, I, I, this is what I, this sounds defensive. But I'm like, look, I take, I'm nice, I try to be good and giving all year. This one isolated day shit. What do you think of Christmas cards? Uh, are you family ones?

Yeah. Do not get me. It sounds like, get you started. Look, I feel bad for the. amount of time in between opening to recycle bin. But I mean, we are talking one second. Really?

Yeah, because to me, Christmas cards are the era of no social media. Like, you'd get your one, and you'd go, oh my God, look, you know, he's got like a little mustache now. He's becoming a man, whatever. Who are you talking about in that example? I don't know. Just some boy?

A boy is becoming a man. Yeah, a guy, when you see the little, you know, a little, like, a lip stubble. Yeah, I don't know. But if, with social media, you're, for the most part, constantly sharing your family, your life and everything, it's like, this is not worth a tree. What do you make of the funny family Christmas cards? A little, a little more into it than the traditional. What about you? You weigh in a little bit here.

What are you on the family one? Because I'm going to guess that you get a shitload of those. I have, yeah. Yeah. See, I get like four. I think it's more, yeah. I don't get a shit ton. Okay.

Because we don't send them. So we don't make Christmas cards. Yeah. And I think those who make them, I think it's like being, you know, it's like if you have like a VW bus, you're in that community where when you see each other,

you guys wave at lights. Yeah. And if you ever been in someone's like special car or like a Cion and they'll see another Cian and they'll be like, Hong Kong, and I'm like, what are you doing there? It's a thing. Have you ever?

heard someone when they talk and they're like we wave to each other i'm like you are loser car friends i kind of agree man it's dumb i'm not into it no but we don't make cards so i will say i appreciate a funny one yes but i do also have questions such as why'd you do this yes and who apart from your extended family, is this stuff four? Then in the back, there's a whole written thing of like, Madeline struggled with soccer but loved softball. I'm like, don't care. Well, now we're getting into the family newsletter,

which is... Which is on the back, but that's on the back of cards. No, sometimes those are emails. Sometimes people email those once every six weeks, and it's psychotic. I have an idea. Go. What if we created...

Oh, we could do this with... the chimpanzees. Yes. It's already great. Okay, so there's already great. Now, if someone was sending me pictures of chimps,

yes, here's what we're going to do. Let's start doing this. So we have not moved forward at all with the adopting the chimpanzees. There's been no word from Wheel of Fortune. Lamorne said, yeah, I'll do it if you do it. I think Hannah Simone was busy,

so they're looking for a third. We'll see if it happens. I think they want somebody who was, yeah, I hear you. I think they want Kyle from the morning after show. Jake, I'll drive to your home right now and fight you in your guerrilla yard. And you'll win, and you'll win. The anger, you'll have, you'll win.

And you'll realize you'll go like this. Wow, he's soft. Wow. I mean, I took him out way too fast. I feel bad. He fell before I hit him. I was like punching a pizza. Ew.

That's sad. It's punching pizza dough. If you're in a bar fight and the other guy after him, and you goes, you okay? Well, if you, I mean, I've seen that. You shouldn't feel like that, brother. I've seen, you know, there's nothing worse than when you watch a fight

and, like, someone, like, stops because he feels bad. Like, the guy who's winning, is like, this is not okay. When was the last fist fight you saw? You know, person, just random fist fight. Actual fight, it's been a while. I mean, it was when,

it was when my buddies and I would, you know, you'd see it happen in your groups, but I saw a friend of mine get absolutely rocked. Really? Yes. So it was a... At the end of an era kind of fight. That's exactly what I was going to say.

It was like... It was like Muhammad Ali's last fight where you're like, oh, this shouldn't be half. And he knew. He knew. There's an age where somebody gets hit and the rest of the men go like, let's stop pretending to be tough guys.

It's like falling. Like when falling is not funny and you're like, oh, are you okay when you get to that age where you're like, oh, we got a check? The beauty of having kids is falling is funny again. It's just, but again. My kids will laugh in a way. If I fall or drop something,

the explosion of laughter that comes out of them, it infects me too, and I can't help it. I'll be like, it is the funniest thing in the world. Now, in 30 years, 20 years, Jake, you fall, they're not going to laugh. It's, well, it's death in 30 years. I'll tell you where I saw a lot of fist fights again.

Huh. You know the answer, if you think about it. where you saw a lot of fist fights, judo. No, I did jihitsu. Jiu-jitsu. Alaska. Oh, really? Yeah.

Where? Just be dry. So, it's never darkness. Dude, outside of bars, fucking dudes in Alaska are throwing down. Like it's the 1940s. It's just two different. It's 25 years ago there, always.

I would be driving home. And, you know, we're doing a lot of. night so I'd be driving home. It looked like it was noon. And I'd be like, there's like eight people standing around a circle. And I'd be like, two white guys in plaid shirts just thumping each other in the head. And I'd be like, 30 miles in a hour, meow. Be like, that's a normal sight here.

Just two guys clubbing each other with closed fists. And the kind of fights where neither guys are that athletic. But they're both kind of fat strong. Yeah. You're like, those haymakers are going to hurt. But it's not a lot of punches per minute. Well, then it comes down to the fall. How do you, they fall?

The fall is what ends fighting. The fall is where it's like, let God decide. Who lands on top is going to win. The saddest is when there was like a fight and somebody hits the back of the head way too hard. And you go like, that might now be manslaughter. I got that once. You can't do the back of the. Yeah, I got, I was walking away from, I mean, it was drunk in Boston.

I was walking away. and some guy went back of the head. Oh. That's beyond sucker. Yeah. I got sucker punched in ice goal once so bad that I flew up in the air and landed on the ground and stood up thinking I had to fight this guy and my legs were overcooked noodles. And so I was pretending to hold face, but I could barely stand.

I was like, that was bullshit, man. You didn't even give me a chance. It was bullshit. And then it got broken up and all I thought was like, thank God. Noodle legs. See, I've never gotten rocked that hard. Yeah, noodle legs are the worst. Because you're like, mentally, I got to stand up, here we go,

and your legs are like, I think you cooked me for too long. Did you fight a lot? I mean, I had, I could say three times I was involved in like something. I was always a loud talker. So nobody's, I don't know why there's a paw. Are you waiting for people to, we all know. I'm waiting for you to say, same. No.

I mean, I was a, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, like, shitty. Of course. Yes, same. We were both shitty. Same. You know, it's going to be gross when we're gray hairs and shit. Just full on gray hair and we're still the same guys.

You know, you see those old men and you see them. They're playing bachia ball. And there's two guys and they're both just bitches. And you're like, you guys didn't grow out of this. Sometimes it's great. It's great when you walk past them. Yeah. It's not great when you're stuck with them and you're like, would you two bitches shut up

and one of the guys going like, you threw it to the left. Don't go to the left. Because the left is crooked. And you go like, ugh. Just, Irv, shut up. You're so, Irv. Let's enjoy this show.

Everybody, thank you for sticking with us and listen and we've got a fun one. A fun one, and I've started to, I'm starting my campaign to find the doctor who will perform the vasectomy. Yes. And we're looking for someone who will give us a little extra access

so we can film some stuff. So if you are associated with in the Los Angeles, California area, at this point, I'll drive eight hours to get this thing. But go to HelpfulPod at Gmail.com and maybe subject at vasectomy or something. We're just looking for some leads. And now, enjoy. Listen to a podcast of advice.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Walden University For over 50 years, Walden University has helped working adults turn ambition into action through flexible distance learning. Today, our mission is simple. Provide access to education for professionals ready to level up and create real change. Walden is where students get the WD those big and small wins that help them move forward and create the change they want to see in their lives, careers, and communities. With 100 plus degrees and certificates, it's never been easier for students to find a program

that matches their goals. We were doing this. I asked the community of who has listened. to this show went to Walden. We've had a lot of people write in. One woman sent a voice note, so I'm going to send it to her. Now this is a real graduate of Walden. Take it away. I wrote in when I heard Walden was a new sponsor, and Jake asked me to tell my story. I got married right after college to a military man. I knew my life was going to be pretty unstable for a while, so a traditional brick and mortar school just wasn't going to work for me.

Luckily, I found Walden because life came at me fast. Over the next three years, as we moved to two different states, I got pregnant and gave birth to my first daughter. The beauty of it was that the flexible schedule allowed me to graduate on time without skipping a beat. I had incredible professors who prepared me with real-world knowledge and skills. Because of Walden, I have been continually practicing as a licensed mental health therapist since I graduated 10 years ago. And while on a few occasions I have thought about telling my clients to Parmesan on the floor when people annoy them, Walden taught me better.

Walden University set a course for change certified to operate by Shave. This episode is brought to you by Quince. Quince gives you that well-built wardrobe that holds up over time, premium materials, thoughtful designs,

everyday staples that feel way easier to wear. You can rely on them as the weather shifts. I got a real Quince story here. So I've got a bunch of quince shirts. Really nice black shirts. I've been wearing them a lot. I'm doing an Apple press day. to talk about the dink, the pickleball movie,

the networks going back to my days when I first started, don't really like how jakeshers dresses himself at these events. Or they do it to others, I don't know, but they always hire a stylist just to oversee what the old jakester's wearing. I've used the same woman, this woman, Annie, she's excellent. She came to the house the other day, she goes, what have you been wearing? Let's try to find something that works with what you're wearing.

I've been wearing these black shirts from quince. She says, oh, I love that brand. I go, oh, yeah? She goes, yeah. She goes, why don't we just wear one of those with a little jacket over it? What kind of pants you like? I like Quince pants. She goes, let's order some of those.

So I will be wearing the Quince shirt because of the Quince sponsorship. And I'm becoming Mr. Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com. Here to Help for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. And now available in Canada. So that's Q-U-I-N-C-E. slash here to help, free shipping and 365-day returns, quince.com slash here to help.

This episode of the podcast has been brought to you by Dell. Have you been waiting for the perfect time to upgrade your tech? Good news, the wait is over. Dell Tech Day's annual sales event is here, and we're celebrating our best customers with fantastic deals on the latest PCs like the Dell 14 plus with Intel Core Ultra processors. We've also got incredible perks like Dell rewards, fast-free shipping, premium support, price match guarantee, and more. And while you're upgrading your PC, you may as well go all

out because we're offering huge deals on our premium suite of monitors and accessories. You know what that means? That's right. You can get a whole new setup with amazing savings. Clearly, this is a sale you don't want to miss. Visit dell.com slash deals. That's dell.com slash deals. Hello. Hello. How are you? I'm great. How are you?

Doing great. Can we get your name, please? Yeah, my name is Sarah. I'm 26. I'm from Ottawa, Ontario. Ooh, Ottawa, Ontario. Sarah 26. Tell us a little bit about yourself that we don't know.

It could be anything. Something that you could have on a dating profile, a friend's site, just something that goes, if you were on love connections, what would Chuck Worley say about you in one line? Oh, my goodness. I am a horse-loving, coffee-drinking, crafting girl.

Interesting. Great. And then Sarah, horse-loving, crafting coffee girl, what's your worst trait? Oh. I lie about it. horses. I don't like coffee and I can't craft. I'm a pathological liar.

So we've got Sarah 26. She's a horse-loving, crafting coffee girl. Who is a pathological liar? I hate horses. What is your worst trait, Sarah? I, oh, you're putting me on the spot here. I know, we're just having fun. No, I know. I get really confident about directions and I turn off the Google Mac and then I get lost.

Wow. Sarah, you have killed your character set up in a way, but I don't know if I'll ever ask that again because that is a nearly perfect character set up. All right, Sarah, what can we do for you today? Great. Thank you so much for taking my call. I have actually promised my best friend that I would crochet her an extra large elephant.

And I do do this for friends. Jake. Keep going, Sarah. I can make you a chimp, by the way. Oh, my God, Sarah. Stop. Sarah. If you make it a sweatshirt, I'll wear it.

I'll keep going. Steam rolling. It's very expensive. I usually do these projects for my friends and family, and they're small. But this is taking a lot of time and a lot of money. And I'm either like, how do I get out of it or how do I ask her for money? This is a great question. Okay.

So we do have a picture of how far she got. Okay, but before we see the photo, Jesse, because this is a great setup, Sarah. So she asked you for the elephant or you volunteered it. It's very important. I crocheted a dinosaur for my partner's best friend's baby And she was about to steal it And she said that I needed to make her one as well And I said I can do you even better

And I can make it extra large And it can be like a weighted elephant You know like weighted blanket I love a weighted blanket Do you? Yes So I'm trying to do that with an elephant You would love it, Gareth.

I don't. I've had it. I was like, it's weird. I thought I'd like it, too. I thought you'd like it. So, all right, so Sarah, here's the problem with it. And I'm just going to be honest. We're going to get you out of this, but this is where this one gets sticky. You volunteered. I know.

She did something funny and went like, I'm stealing it. And you said, I'll do you better. I'll make you one that's enormous and waited. So now to go like this, you want me. $1,800, you'll go like, pass. This feels like such a Canadian problem, too. This is like such a, like, I over-promised a crochet. Agreed, by the way.

Okay, so do we want to see it, Jake? Do we want to see where we're at with this? Yeah, but Sarah, is that, before we see it, is that everything that we need to know? Because you did volunteer it, so it's a little bit tricky. Yeah. And then has there been any new info? Um, no.

She knows that I have started it. Okay. It costs around probably $70. And once you see the picture, it will make it a little bit more. Like, I haven't gone very far and I'm like, uh-oh. At 70. And what is the $70? Material?

Yeah, just the material. Okay. And how much do you think it's going to cost to finish the whole thing? I am thinking at least $300. $300. And how much time does it? take? From what I have so far, it's been about five, six hours of work. Okay. So what are we looking at here? Yeah. I just see, I just see what looks like. It looks like on the top of a toilet seat and

in a 70's house they would put on, remember how they used to do like furry toilets? By the way. Which was the most disgusting thing ever. I want it back. I like, I want to, how about carpeted bathroom floors. Carpeted bathroom. But remember when you'd have your toilet cover match, your little toilet? Yes. It was all like match.

Yes. He was like, this is where the piss is. Yeah, but just, ew. Okay, so all I see is basically what looks like an old... You're exactly right with your first description.

I mean, it looks like a gray, it looks like gray bathroom carpeting or what you would put on the toilets. Yeah, I don't know what to make of it, Sarah, so please take over. I, well, it's the start of the body of the elephant. So that's probably a third or about a half of what the body will be.

So picture that times two like in a circle and then I'll stuff it and then it will look like a big sphere almost. Okay. Okay. And then what is it going to be in the end? It's like a little, she just throws it over her shoulders. No, no, it will be like a big stuffed animal. Okay. Like an elephant stuffed animal that you're making her.

Yeah, she can sleep. It might be hard to see from the photo, but it is, it's almost like, it's, it's three, like, I can put stuff it into it. It's not one. I understand. Okay. Gotcha. I get it. Yeah.

Okay. And what are you going to stuff in the middle of it, like what you would put in a bean bag? I'm more like heavy stuffing, like stuffing you'd put into a stuffed animal, but then also I cut up. Walmart bags. That's cool. Or like reusable bags to recycle in it, and it makes it really heavy. And is the auto accent similar to the Chicago accent?

Because I'm hearing a little bit of Jewel Asco. Oh. Walmart bags and that thing. A little bit of an accent I'm hearing. I feel like I'm talking to an aunt. Oh, wonderful. Well, I've never been told that before. That's cool.

It's the O's. Yeah, but it's mixed with Canada. Yeah. So, Sarah. Okay, so essentially what your question is then is, how is it simply, how do I get her to pay me 300 bucks for this? Thank you for the deep breath. Thank you for the sigh of this is complicated. You're exhausting me.

Thank you for the sigh. I've heard my worst trait is everybody does that sigh after being around me long enough. That's what Jake knows he has to go. All right, I should get going. I just want to make sure I'm asking the right question. I think, like, do you think maybe what's your opinion? Do you think I should, like, backtrack and try to figure something else out? Or maybe, yeah, maybe it's just how do I get her to pay me?

Okay. Well, Sarah, but I need you to be a little less old-school Canadian because that was, you're now listening to us give our opinion too soon. We're here to help you. what is the question you want help with? Yes. How do I ask her in a nice way to give me some money to help her get this? Totally fair, Sarah.

How good a friend is she, Sarah? She's my bestest friend of all time. Okay. Should confront her on air? Pardon? Should we do something totally different and confront her on air and just have it out and see what happens? If she's your best friend, that means this is not going to affect the relationship.

Afterwards, she's going to go, Sarah, you really embarrassed me. What Jake's offering is that we sort of, we do the dirty work. We do the dirty work. You give us her information. We talk to her without you. You just tell her, I called in this podcast. We're here to help. It's all for fun.

It's with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. It's goofy. It's silly. They're just looking for bits. We talked to her, and then here's what happens, Sarah. One of us represents you and one of us represents her, and we go to court. Oh, I like it. In negotiation.

We do a real negotiation, and we have to talk to her to figure out who's who's counsel. And then we have a conversation. Oh. Come on, sir. Yes, I love that idea. Okay, so we go to crochet court. Crochet court. And then, you know what we do?

Canadian crochet court. Steve Burr. The judge. Jake. Yes. Steve Berg cannot be part of anything, but the actual trial, because he will try to make everybody win

because he will hate that either you or your best friend won't like him, so he'll normally go, I think I have the perfect solution. I'll buy it, and I'll give you 10 elephants for free. Oh. Steve, again, you've done a lot of great stuff here just now, Johnson, but among the greatest decisions,

is that we put Steve in a position of authority. Because as you and I know, when Steve is authorized to be in charge, oh boy, he's activated as a strange way. The pen. He'll always have to. And the tone is a little, hold on a second, everybody.

Let me get, let me get my bearings on here real quick. Skip-de-dooda, skip-de-day, go. I got to go pee-pee. So what do you think of that, crocheted quote, Sarah? And that is, we get the information. and we have your friend on, the only thing you have to promise us

and truly promise us, is that you guys don't start trying to produce this together. And that is, it's about the elephant thing, but let's agree, no hard feelings, love you gal. Let's just have some fun, because then what's going to happen is, I'm going to turn into a real grump and I'm going to sniff it out,

and then it's going to be like, God damn. Okay. So what we need, here's what you tell her. I've got a I called in why don't you do a text right now okay I can do that perfect and do not send this until you're happy

we're going to bully text you because we're Americans to Canada and then in the end like you guys are doing now you guys got to make your own decision so Sarah you're ready for the text I am okay so let's start with

hey girl hey or however you say it Probably like that. That's exactly how I would say it. Okay. And then, of course, a couple of gals from Ottawa. Hey, girl, hey. What's up?

Girl talk, talking about the girl talk connection. Laying out of our stomachs with our legs in the air, twirling our hair. I'm too young for that, but go ahead. I know your hair is. You're not. That's why. I'm breaking the boy I like. So Sarah, I have been working with the guys from the podcast, we're here to help ever heard of it.

If not, give a listen. So then she gets the tone. Okay. I've called in with a problem that you're involved with. Okay. They would like to talk to you without me. and they promise one of them will be on your side. Okay.

Want to do this weird thing with me? It could be really fun or really awkward. Who knows? Okay. Now, take a second and pretend your AI and put that in your language. I think this is pretty good. You'll make, I've... Hey, girl, hey, I've been working with the guys.

I can't believe. We're here to help. If not, give it a listen. I've called in with a problem that you're involved with. They would like talk to you without me and they promise one of them will be on your side. Want to do this weird thing with me. It could be really weird or really awkward. Who knows?

L.O.L. I promise this is real. This is not fake. And then perfect. And then right. It's easy. It's just like a Zoom link. Do we want to end with a bye girl buy?

Is that how you guys sign off? I would say, because you started Hagerha, by Bay. Bye, bye, bye. Yeah. Just to seal it up. Then you could write after that, sorry about this text like this, the guys helped me write this.

I'm seriously okay. This is obviously not how we talk. I said in parentheses, they helped me write this. I promise this is for fun. Okay, perfect. You want to send it now? Yeah, I can do that.

Go ahead. We'll have her call. Jake, and then we're just going to kind of get her version of this before. I'll take the lead on it because I'm going to just go really slow. We're going to get all the information. Then you and I, Gareth, before we tell her what's going on, we're going to pick who we want to represent. Sure.

Then we're going to say to her. Well, that's a separate situation, obviously. We may as well just throw it on the pick, have people vote on who they want to represent who. I don't know because I got it. I got to feel passion. Okay. You're not a lawyer. All right.

Yeah, I'm not a real lawyer. I'm not going to know. I got to believe it. I don't mind taking it. It's as embarrassing with my acting too. I got to believe my character's right. It shows you've got a good track record. I literally have to go.

I can see their argument here. It's so interesting. All right. That's I will, I'll eat hot pockets for money so I don't give a shit. So I'll represent whoever with whatever. Do you think she might be free in the next couple hours or who knows? She has replied, and she will be at work, but she might be on lunch or something. So I can ask her if she can call in the next reply.

What did she reply? Okay. Is this fake? Then will you right now go to Natalie? Natalie, will you send her the Zoom link? Because maybe she can come out right away. If you wanted to see if it's fake, call this number. Well, say it's real. Say it's real.

It's real. Call this number. I did. Okay. Did you give her the Zoom link? No, yeah, but I can. Do it. Okay. Has she written anything back? Is she writing? Do you see the three dots moving? Just caught, if you can, just copy the same thing that we sent to you with the phone number and the meeting ID. And send it to her. So she can call it. If she does it right now, we'll just put Sarah in the waiting room like we do for the friendship game.

Is that cool? Yes. Yeah, we can do that. I wasn't asking you, Gary. I'm just, they were both muted, so I thought it says just, you wanted to hear some. I wanted to make you feel supported. So yes. Thank you.

Yes, sir. Yes, girl, yes. Thanks, babe, thanks. I sent her and she said, can it be after work or just right now? So I sent it to her and I said, if it can be now let me know. Yeah, now would be great. Oh, shoot. She has a meeting in eight minutes.

Can she call in a few hours? You want to do a quick eight minutes? You say we need five minutes of her time. I got the eight minutes too. It's 10.30 Pacific. And then we can schedule after who's representing who. We just need her on fast. Yeah, we need a feelers for Jake.

Just a little check-in. Jake has to believe. Six minutes. Tell her to call right now. We need six minutes. We'll give her off. We just lost a minute. We got to go fast.

All right, dude. Come on now. She's Canadian. Let her keep her cool. Don't rush the Canadian. Yes. I'll push them. I know.

They're getting a lot of that from us, so maybe we just less is more. We got to go now! All right. Anything, Sarah? She's answering me. She's now thinking, oh, do I want to do this? Or do I want to partner with China?

I know what I do. Take the deal with us! Oh, she said okay. And then I said they'll do, she can call in for three minutes. Yeah, fine. Great. Just to get it to check it.

Gary, I'll run it really fast. I'm going to speed around it. Go. Tell her to come on. Okay. What is her name, Sarah? What is her name? Okay.

Hey, and then Sarah, can we get Sarah off the call? Okay. Love you, Sarah. Okay, I love you guys. This is Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. Hi. Hi. Hi, girl.

Hi. Hey, girl. Nice to meet. We know you have a meeting. Do you have to be gone in three minutes? I'm going to watch the clock for you. too. Thank you very much. Okay. Okay. So we got to do this very fast. We got to go a little rapid fire. Okay. Okay. Do you know anything about a crochet thing, an elephant thing that

Sarah volunteered to make you? What do you know about it? Just start going. That, oh, I really wanted it. You did, okay. Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. And you wanted it really bad. You asked for it or did she volunteer it? She, well, I asked for it and I said that I would pay for the yarn for her to make. Oh, you did? And what did she say when you said that? I think she just said that she would make it for me.

But you said I would pay and she, okay, yeah. But you said I would pay and she said, I'll just make it. I think so. Okay. She was making big ones for a baby or something. Yeah, I love the dinosaur. And you're like, I want one of those. Yeah, I was like, can you please make one?

So I was going to get the, well, I was just going to say whenever you make it, just send me the bill. That's really cool. And what is a number you think would be fair for that? We're just talking about this because what we're going to do is we might do a law, like a court thing, like a people's court. So we just need information to see if we're going to do this. So this is, you're not held by law to any of this.

We've got two more minutes. What number do you think would be fair for something like this? I don't even know. I mean, I guess whatever the materials would cost. The material is. Are you happy with $30,000? $30,000? Yeah.

No. Okay, are you happy with $10,000 to pay? If you got a bill for $10,000 for yarn. No, I would not pay $10,000 for yarn. A thousand? No. No, I would not be a thousand. No, not 500.

300. Probably not 300. 200? Maybe like 100. Okay, so you would be in for 100. Over that, would you be kind of a pass on the elephant? Probably. Okay.

So this is very interesting. Okay. We're going to have you back if you're willing to do this with us. and either Gareth or I was going to represent you, and the other one is going to represent Sarah, and we are going to go to Crochet Court. With the Honorable Steve Berg representing the people. Now, you've got to go to a meeting.

You've absolutely crushed this. You did wonderful. We will schedule a call that works better with your schedule, and all we ask for is be heated, be ready. This will end in a hug with you and your best friend, which is how she refers to you. I don't know if you know that. Okay, yes, I would think so.

You are her best friend. Now you got to go to a meeting. You've got less than a minute. Yes. We appreciate you. We'll talk to you soon. Bye, every. Okay, perfect.

Sounds good. Okay, bye. Very quickly, Gareth, between you and me. Mm-hmm. That was interesting. Who do you want to represent? From the small... And what would you want to...

If you were to settle out of court, what would your lawyer to lawyer? If you're representing and I'm representing Sarah, before we get them back, lawyers talk, we're at the bar. What are you proposing, babe? I think that, look, I think before this all happened, offered to pay for supplies. Yeah, but Sarah was in a bad spot.

She didn't. What is she going to tell her best friend, you, I'll charge you for my hobby? No, she doesn't have to, no, it's not a matter of charging, but she's offered, Sarah came in, this whole thing, is predicated on the idea that Sarah has not been offered anything in exchange for the work. Well, guess what? The materials cost $300. Well, I would think that it is on Sarah to update a little bit on what is going on with this

process before she just all of a sudden either loses a friend or throws a bill down for $300. Why do you think we're here right now? She hasn't finished. I understand that, but I think that's kind of why we're at the crossroads. Exactly. But my client has already, my potential client has already offered at the very beginning. of this. She wanted this to be a fair deal. She didn't want to send someone off into the other room toiling and crochet hell. All right.

Let's bring Sarah back in. Hey, Sarah. Hello. Hi. So we just talked to... Okay. So I'm going to say this. She had some interesting information.

Very interesting. Gareth would really like to represent her. How do you feel about that? Jake. I haven't heard your opinion yet. because I can go either way. Like I said, I'm a gun for hire. I mean, I feel mixed.

She brought up some really good points. Sarah, she brought up some real good points. Who do you want? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Listen, this is all part of this is wrong. Sarah, this is not, you should not feel a, uh-oh. Uh-oh is excellent.

You should not feel that. Uh-oh. We're in the, this is discovery. All right, so if I'm representing Sarah, you know what I think we're going to get to here? And this might not even use the judge, but we can bring Steve on just to set it up. Well, we could even prank him. Here's what I think is going to happen, Sarah, if I represent you. Actually, quickly, Gareth, can you take your headphones off?

Sure. All right, Sarah, I'm going to represent you on this. Okay, great. That's what I was hoping for. Okay. So here's where we're at on this. This is just off the record. Now this is just us talking, okay?

As a fake lawyer to a very real client. And everything we say is confidential right now, right? Okay. I've seen a lot of shows like this, so we both know how this works. We are now in that little room. You can be honest. Did you offer to pay for supplies at the beginning and you blow it off? I don't know.

Sarah. I didn't think so. Did he say that? Yes, she did. Oh, my goodness. She said, oh, no. I know. Okay.

She said, I love her work. We are best friends. And I was saying prices. And I go, she goes, well, at the beginning, I said, let me pay for supplies. And Sarah blew that off. But now it's too expensive. But now it's too expensive. But here's the problem.

In a very honest way, I was getting prices because I wanted to get a gauge of where she was at, I said 10,000. She goes, I'm not spending 10,000 for a stuffed animal. The zone she would be comfortable spending is in the $100 range. Okay. That's not okay. We're $300 in a hole. Sarah, we can't go back $200.

Right. So what are the supplies going to cost you? To, like, map it out for real. Well, you said $300. Yeah, that was my approximate. it. Can we make the thing smaller so that we wrap it up around the $100? She pays $100. You cover the rest. Yes, I think I can swing that because I can make the body like shorter.

Now we're talking. And then the legs and the ears and all that should be a little smaller. Yeah. Now, we're not going to do that yet, but we had that in our back pocket. I'm going to bring Gareth back on. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hey, Gareth.

Yeah. I'm going to be representing Sarah. What just happened? You get a confidential meeting with your client? Yeah. Does that seem fair to you? No.

Okay. But I had to let her. You think I was planning this ahead and it's all happening fast? I understand. I understand, but my client is a very busy person. So she was in a meeting right now. With another lawyer who, we just got a text. She's going to hire them.

Bad move. It's Eric Edelstein. Well, that's really a bad move. So the system's on trial. This courtroom's out of order This whole thing's out of order He's Pacino in every movie So here's what we're going to do, Sarah

We're going to schedule a follow-up with both of you And we're going to make this happen Do us a favor and follow up with us But I need you to say to Maybe do this via text really fast Hey girl, hey The guy said we're not allowed to talk about this case Because it's ongoing

We're going to send you more information soon Bye girl Bye babe, bye Okay. This one blew up on us. This, this. I would just hate if you and I both ended up in contempt of court. Well, we're dealing with Judge Berg.

It depends on how high he is when he shows up for. Yeah, absolutely guilty. Guilty of being sexy with your t-shirts on. Who's guilty? What? Not guilty. Sir. Okay.

Text sent. Text sent, and then read us what you just sent. Hey, girl, hey, the guy said we're not allowed to talk about this case. As it's ongoing, we will follow up with this. Bye, babe, bye. Sarah, you're the most. We'll talk to you soon. And do me a favor.

We've all watched the same shows. Just don't get in any trouble from now until the trial. Keep your nose clean. Absolutely. I'll keep it. I'll keep it good. Do not talk to the media. Okay.

If anybody comes to your house, you have no comment. Blind closed. Blind closed. Okay. Thank you. We'll talk to you real soon. We're going to get out of this thing.

Thank you. We're going to put you in a hotel until we do the trial. Okay, thanks. That would be so funny if we sequestered. We sequestered. Thanks so much. And we were brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, Squarespace, how we love you.

Squarespace is where you go to create an online present to appear professional. You launch your passion project with, Squarespace. We love Squarespace. We use Squarespace all the time. My website, gareth Reynolds.com, is a Squarespace website. We use Squarespace to help people on the show build their, well, honestly, to corroborate their fibs and their white lies. We use Squarespace for that sometimes. But other times people will use Squarespace, you know, for trying to build up their business online. I was working with someone who we were going to start a whole ear business and it completely fell apart. But we were going to use Squarespace.

because there's no other place to go. It's an all-in-one website platform that is designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all-in-one place from consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with customizable website

designed to attract clients and grow your business. Get paid on time with professional, on-brand invoices, and online payments. Plus, streamline your workflow with built-in appointment, scheduling and email marketing tools. So go to Squarespace.com for a free trial.

When you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by 1-800 Flowers. Valentine's Day is almost here, and I want to let you in on my secret that wins every year. 1-800flowers.com. My PAMI deserve something that shows I put thought into it, effort, and a little bit of love. And that's why I trust 1800flowers.com. They've never let me down.

It's always stunning bouquets, high quality, delivered on time every single time. 1800flowers.com, they've never let me down. I've set my girlfriend flowers a number of times, stunning bouquets, high quality, delivered on time every single time. So Valentine's is right around the corner, and the best arrangements are selling out fast. If you wait too long, you might miss out on the deal. 1-800flowers.com has been doing this for over 50 years. They source roses from the freshest, high-altitude farms that produce big blooms and rich colors. Now, see, I didn't even know about this high-altitude angle, but I guess we're talking mountain roses.

I actually used 1-800 flowers to send a couple thank-you gift packages to some family friends, Bush, charcutory board, some fruits, some chocolates. Very solid win. Very easy. And that's the truth. So don't wait until it's too late to get double blooms offer by one dozen. Get two dozen roses free. Go to 1,800flowers.com slash here to help right now.

That's 1800flowers.com slash here to help to double your roses for free. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Wayfair. The new year is here. Get back into an at-home routine. you love and elevate your space with Wayfair, from bedding and mattresses to storage solutions. For every home in the house, Wayfair is your one.

Stop, shop. Refresh your living room with accent pillows, mirrors, and faux plants for way less. When my mother comes over, she always is going, oh, you need one of these. You need one of those, you know? So I used Wayfair to get some, like, end tables for lamps. I guess you would call it home decor.

I'm not doing an all-around refresh, but that's up to you if you'd like to do that. but they offer a ton of stuff at Wayfair. It's very easy to shop there. You really get a sense of what it is, what it'll look like, its size, all those things, and really they have everything. I could not believe the amount of stuff

that they had on their everything, literally everything. So get organized, refreshed, and back on track this year for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's Wayfair. W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

Wavefare. Every style, every home. Hello. Hey, all. Hey, can we get your name, please? Yeah, hi, I'm Murphy. Murphy. Where are you calling from, Murph?

I'm in New York. Where in New York? Queens. Murphy, what section of Queens? Well, I'm keeping it a little vague. I figured I could just start with the question and then give you the context from there. Sure. You play your game, Murphy.

Okay, okay. So my question is, how do I get my lovely, lovely roommate to stop sleeping on the couch? Oh, fuck. This is a great one. Very relatable. I'm a couch sleeper. I was too. You go through phases where you're just like, this is working.

This is better than my bed? Oh, yeah. Crazy. Big phases, by the way. I still struggle sometimes with that move. I'll still be like, things are good here. Same. Okay, keep going, Murphy.

What should we call your roommate? Let's give him a name. Marty. Marty and Murphy. And is Marty a male or a female? He's a man. He's a man. Okay, so Marty sleeps on the couch and starts sleeping on the couch all the time.

So, yes, I moved into my apartment in August. with Marty and his roommate. What's the other guy? Her name's Nicole. So Marty, Nicole and Murph. What a cool three. What are you guys? Three's company?

Do you have brown hair? Does she have blonde? Does he fall over that couch? No. What's your landlord like? Is he a character? You got to look to camera a lot, eyes open. Just crushing it comedically.

And then all of a sudden one season he asked for too much money and then there was somebody else? It's a different guy, not as good? Does that happen? Murphy, has that happen? Does Marty have a friend named Larry, who's a sex maniac and really a bad actor? Nymphomaniac, terrible actor, arch performances, loves stewardesses. Oh, my God. Sorry, Murphy.

Y'all, these references are going over my head. I know because of our age, Gareth. Yes, yeah. One of Jake has shown me some of these older programs as my mentor. I've been listening to the Dollavs in high school. So if that's crazy. That doesn't really. Okay, so keep going, Murphy.

So we got Marty, Nicole Murphy, Marty sleeping on the couch. Yeah, so they've been living here for a year with a different roommate. And then I just, like, moved in and took that third spot. I also sent in, like, a drawing of the way out of my apartment because I thought that might help. But some things to know are that he lives in the biggest. room on tweet. Wait, hold on, Murphy, take a second. Gareth, we walk us through this trying.

Sure. You guys remember Home Alone, the way that Kevin planned to take over the robbers. It's like that. All right. So we've got the entrance to the left is Murphy's room. Then I'm assuming the living room where the couch is is right directly next to Murphy's room. To the right of that would be the kitchen, right of that, their bathroom, other roommate.

and then Marty has the lay of the land because Marty's room has a balcony, an on-sweet bathroom, and it's large. And it's large. And now he's also taking over the couch. Actually, Murphy, I'm totally with you. This is insane. Yes.

Worse. And her room being right there. Yeah. Great, great drawing. Yes. This helps a lot. This changes the call significantly. Oh, yeah. So about a week after I moved in,

I went to get a snack at night and he was out there but I'm also a couch sleeper sometimes I was like no big deal but then like it became this unspoken like routine and as you saw like if I want to go to the bathroom I want to go to the kitchen if I want to leave my room

at all like I have to walk past the couch and also we nicknamed him Couch Marty when he's in the state at night because every time I open the door like I get like a noise and he glars at me and sometimes rolls his eyes and I know he doesn't know he's doing it but he just seems so angry. And when I originally emailed in, it had been like three months and he was out there like five to six nights a week. But now that we're back from the holidays, like we're slowly working our way back up.

Right now we're like three to four nights a week. But just to add one more layer to it, this small sectional couch broke in October. So for like two months, the main part of the couch wasn't usable. The day it broke, he came home from work around 11.45 p.m. And immediately took out a hammer and tried to fix it, presumably to sleep on it that night. But it didn't get fixed. And so he would just sleep on the small section that was usable for two months to the point that in November, they decided just to take the legs off half the couch.

So now half the couch is like sitting on the floor. And the other, well, one, yeah, so it's like in two sections. So one half is like on the floor and the other half is still like normal height. But now they can't link together. So now they like slide apart. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah. This is a shit show.

Yeah. So your question is essentially, my guess would be, how do I get Marty to stop sleeping on the couch? There's easy ways to do this, Murphy. Yeah. Well, well, that I, I, I, I, I, I thought the easy way would be to ask about it. That didn't work. Yeah, but you did that, and I appreciate that, and that's why you're calling in.

That's what we always tell people to do before you call it. Yeah. Great. Well, then, I'm glad I got that. We're a later resort. Okay, so here's my first pitch. Have you got to pitch, Gareth? Yeah, I got a few.

You go first. Okay. My first is, what if you start sleeping on the couch for a little bit? So it's a competition? Okay. Yeah, what if you create a little bit of friction there where, you know, something like that.

Fire with fire. Yeah, a little fire with fire. Another one is it sounds like you guys do need a new couch. I don't know what the, you know, the promise of something like that is. With three roommates, you got to split it. We're not buying a new couch. Well, if you get a new couch, he can't have ownership over it. Another thing I would say is if you could like, since he's right there,

you could create some friction if you had like someone spending the night there, like walking out. How about, I got something simpler, Gary. Okay. Masturbation sounds that are really gross, Murphy. Oh. Because your wall shares the living room wall. So if he's in his bedroom, he doesn't hear what you're doing at night.

If he goes to sleep, your wall shares the wall. So what you're doing in the private? of your room will wake him up. And what I want to do is I want him to go, ew. Well, okay. My room, the reason you go in a room and not a shared space is you have walls, a door, and you can do a sound machine.

In a living room, have a fucking party. I do have a TV, and I do often have it on while he's out there. I don't think the sound is a deterrent enough, but maybe my sounds aren't. Okay, how about that? Okay, then how about this? When he's sleeping, walk out there, turn on the light, and get yourself something to eat and start watching that TV.

It's a shared space. You would never do that in his room. But you know what I would do? In the living room, have a table. This is what I would actually do, Murphy. Have a table. Start a puzzle. a thousand pacer.

So it's going to take you a long time. Then when he's sleeping, go out there, turn the light on, do the puzzle. And he goes like this. Hey, what the fuck you doing? I'm sleeping. Then go like this.

Then go to your bed. I'm doing the puzzle. I'm trying to get this finish. And he'll go like, dude, I'm a fucking sleep. And you go, in a shared space on the couch. Go to your room and close the door, cowboy.

His room is so big. It really is egregious. The reason you have roommates in a room is you can go in your room and close the door and nobody can go in. A shared space is a shared space. I got another for you here. Mine involves a fake pee, and we could go two ways with it. We could either one night you sneak out and you pour water on the couch and make him think he peed the couch, or the other is you sleep on it and you pour water on it,

And you say, apologize, you did pee on the couch. You're going to clean the cushion. But I think he's going to be less into the idea of sleeping on a couch that you've pissed on. But I think the problem is if it doesn't smell, he just throws a sheet over it. I would not against you. Yeah, I think that's right. So, Murphy, are you confrontational enough to do the – because I know the fix will be if you just go in there.

So I was always a couch sleeper, and I was even in high school. And my mom got sick of it. So early in the morning when she would wake up at six, the living room just became full lights, full sound. And I would go like, hey, home girl, what's you doing? And she'll go like, go to your fucking room. And what happens really fast is you go, I know it's 2 a.m.

And I just want to pass out out here. But in four hours, this day's starting. I'm just going to go to my room where I can close a door. What time do you normally get up, Murphy? I work from home, so I'm up around like nine, but he's gone by like six. Okay. And what time does he go to bed?

Yes. Like late. So he just doesn't sleep? After midnight. He's not getting enough sleep. Correct. Okay. So you're going to bed before him and he's waking up before you.

Yeah. Yes. So how is this a problem? Oh, well, I, sorry. I am waking up after him. I'm not going to bed before him. You're not going to bed before him. So he's going to bed before you?

Yes. So it's simple. So it's simple. Go in the room and make a call. Or do this. Listen to the podcast without headphones on and sit on the couch next to him while he's sleeping. Where's the kitchen in relation to the couch one more time? Because if you're just cooking something, like you could just make it.

Make your meals the night before. Like make your breakfast the night before and be in there clanging around in a shared space. Can we see an image of the house again? I think the kitchen's right next to it. I believe that. Murphy, this is an easy fix. Basically in the same room. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Murphy. Kitchen business. Have you not thought of or tried make his life loud and uncomfortable? My roommate often does meal prep while he's asleep on the couch. What happens? He just sleeps?

He just is sleeping. So, okay, then how about something as simple as this? Now, here's the truth. We're going to give you the answers to this riddle. If you don't want to solve it, then there's nothing we can do. Oh, for sure, for sure. But Murphy, here's the reality. It's a shared space, meaning you all have access to that couch whenever you want it, correct?

Do you believe in that principle? I believe in that principle, yes. Do you believe that if Marty wants to cook breakfast at 3 a.m., he's allowed to? Yes. Okay, so so do I. I think the thing about roommates, which is hard, is shared spaces are shared spaces, which means next time he's sleeping on the couch, go in there with something to do.

Is there a TV in there? There is. And so do you guys watch TV in there? Is that something you guys do, or is it everybody's watching in their own? own room. What do you guys do in that living room? I'm the only one that has a TV in my room. Yeah, but. So here's what, okay.

I have a fix for that. Your TV is not working. Your TV broke. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. Okay. So take your TV and unplug it and saying you're having some TV issues so everybody knows and go, you're working on it, but you're just going to, you'll fix it later. But take that,

put it in your closet, your TV's gone. When he's sleeping, go in there, be apologetic. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Just got to watch some TV. He'll go like this. Ah, yeah, I'm just crashed. You go like this.

Yeah, totally. Do you mind going to your room? I think that. The TV on, full lights, go in the kitchen, make something to eat, and then go like this. Be polite. Want some popcorn?

What time is he crashing out? Midnight. Like, but what time is he on the couch? Some lights, it's like, As soon as he gets home immediately, like 8 p.m. Most nights, it's closer to around. And when he's in there, are you tiptoeing around the house? No.

So you're loud. If it's late at night, yes. But if it's like 10 o'clock, I am normal volume. I think that he sleeps through it. He does his little wake-up, startled noise, go back to sleep. Yeah. I got two. And I'll say the one I think, if your TV is broken and you're out there when he comes back watching TV eating popcorn, that is an easy way to dissuade him from sitting on it. I mean, he should, he does not have rights over it more than you. Honestly, I think something like that is the best way to do. Just claim it at night before he comes home. What if you cover the couch with popcorn? Oh. That's a terrible idea, Jesse.

For a smart guy like you, that's the worst pitch you've ever had. When you popped your head and I went like this, oh, great. Because I think this call is just about done, Murphy. I was about to do the wrap it up symbol because we have a solution. The solution is you have to basically smoke him out. Yeah. And you just have to be confrontational. You should film it.

You know what else? You know what else? Not cover your couch with popcorn. I would also. I wouldn't want to sleep on a guy. Couch covered in popcorn. There's a very... With popcorn everywhere,

because it will actually attract animals. Yeah. Don't you agree? Don't you agree? You had some roaches in there once. Of course you would. I just left it dead on the floor. How about this?

Can I heighten your... Jesse, can I heighten? Your pitch? Yeah. Covered in chili. Can I heighten it? Piss on it. How about this?

Covered in raccoon. Shit. Yeah. Wouldn't want to sleep on that. I think these are all good ideas. I think it would work. I will agree that. When Jesse came in, I was like,

All right. I was like, good. It's about to be reasonable. And he goes like this, got something. He never comes in unless it's great. Go ahead, my man. Covered in junk and food and then live in trash. No, I can't.

I did put my email, the only thing I wouldn't do is Parmesan the couch. Yeah, fair. What if you heighten it realistically and you start leaving, like, used, in quotes, condoms on the couch? Like, someone's having sex on the couch. Hey, Natalie and Judge, what is going on with you guys? What are you, us? Honestly, I now know how you guys feel. We don't need you guys to pitch worse ideas.

I finally have your POV on what it's like working with us. What just happened? I'm trying to solve this for her. So we're saying she should go have sex with somebody, get a used count and tie it up and go like this. Throw it on the couch where I live. Put a bunch of popcorn in the condom. You fucked a movie.

So he's like this. Whoa, there's 40 condoms full of popcorn. Oh, sorry. And then Murphy does that rather than make it. It hard for him to sleep. It just takes one and I would not sleep on that couch ever again. I would. I would.

I would. I'm with Gareth, unfortunately. I really would. Ew. I had, I took Ryan Gall's old couch once. He like gave it to me. He's like, buddy, this couch is a disaster.

I was like, I don't care. He's like, the things that have happened on here. I don't care. Brian Farrow and I took Eric Edelstein's old couch. We won it and I beat him in a poker game. He had no cash. So he goes like, I'm in. And I go, you're broke.

And then I go, how about that gray leather couch of yours? He goes, I meant, we beat him, Brian, and I went down, took it out of his apartment, put it in ours. What did Eric? Eric was like, damn. You had a good hand. Eric, you had a high card. I'm still learning the game. So, Murphy, here's really.

The last thing I'll say is get, why don't you talk to Nicole, too? And you guys just really start activating the we are on the couch when he comes home plan and taking up the space as much as possible. Okay, so Gareth pitch is take up the space, include the other roommate. That's a very clean pitch that'll work. Mine is do this on your own, keep it really simple,

and that is when he's sleeping, make it impossible to sleep in there. Very noise, very loud, lights on. It is a living room, not a sleeping room. Until he goes in his other room, Do that all the time. I would even maybe get flashlights, whatever you need. This is not a room for sleeping.

Similar, if you have a raccoon trying to sleep in a crawl space under your house, you know what the solution is? This is true. And I know this because we had raccoons under our house. You know what the solution is? You put bright lights and leave music on. What? Give them enough time to leave before you close it up

because you don't want to trap them under there and kill them. so I had floodlights and radio on and the raccoon goes, not comfortable. I mean, why would I sleep here? There's lights. Smoke him out is,

I really do think if you commit to that, Raccoon is ass. That will help. It will. It'll work. Murphy, you got two options. Oh, I'm so sorry. You have four options.

Three, put popcorn on there. And four, as Natalie says, get a used condom and put it on the couch so that he goes, oh, somebody farted on this thing. Gross. Farked. For the kids.

I understand. I didn't believe we said fuck on this call, but okay. I know. It's disgusting. I'm not a language guy. All right, Murphy. What do you think? What are you going to do?

Do we get you anyway? I think, yeah. I think, honestly, I really liked the puzzle idea because I feel like that's something that, like, I can't do in my room, you know? Like, it gives me a reason I have to be out there, and I have to have the lights on to see it. And then if I'm making snacks while I'm puzzling,

I'm making popcorn and my snacks while I'm puzzling. And then if Nicole wants in, I'll bring her in. We can do this puzzle together late at night. And if that doesn't work, we'll start watching TV while we puzzle too. By the way, Murphy, watch TV while you, how about this? Are you fully caught up on our podcast? I know you've been doing dollop since high school, but are you fully caught up on us?

I'm since day one, yes. Are you fully caught up on the dollop? No. So here's what you do. Here's what you do. I'm going to give a shout out to the dollop. While you're puzzling, I want you to listen to the dollop full volume. Oof.

And so. Not even I could handle it. You and Nicole are talking or not, but it's loud enough. The lights are on. He cannot sleep. This is so easy. Listen, it's also. Also, if he at any, like, the idea, if I lived in a shared space and someone was doing a puzzle on the coffee table, I'd be like, hey, you're kind of taken over the room.

That's also a very easy way to be like, yeah. Imagine. Imagine, exactly. So, Murphy, this is going to work. Here's what we need you to do. We need you to take a photo of the puzzle section that you're doing. Right. And while you're in there with him, take a selfie of, you.

you working on the puzzle and him trying to sleep behind you. Yeah. Perfect. I promise you, if you stick with this, this is like a weight loss thing now. Yeah. You know that like weird doctor who's really mean to the people where they'll be like, I need to lose 100 pounds and he goes, they'll be like, I need to eat and he goes, you've eaten enough.

Are you talking about the doctor from like 700 pound life and stuff? Yeah. I can't remember his name, but that guy's like, you're so fat. Yeah, he'll go like, you've eaten enough. for a lifetime. Jesus, Doctor. You're made of pizza now. Yeah.

So that's who I feel like I am with you right now, Murphy. You do this for a month. It will work. If you don't do it, it won't work. And I also think that's exactly it because, doctor, that's right. Because you've got to kind of reset him. And that's the way to do it. You've got to commit and stay committed to it.

You're a puzzle person now. All right, Murphy, follow up with us, please. Great. Sounds good. Thank you guys so much. Thank you very, appreciate you. Bye. Have a good day.

See you. Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow-up to episode 233, TAP 2. Hello? Hi, how's it going? Good, how are you? Good. good, thank you. We know you're a follow-up. So why don't you tell us your name and what your first call was and then we'll get into where you're at.

Yeah, my name's Katie. I live in Phoenix. I called about the dog dick tattoo. Oh, my God. Katie, you and I have been emailing. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Yes. I've been sending you those options. I didn't know who I was emailing. But yeah, I guess that's not just me. It's also Jesse and Natalie, but I've been, I do a lot of the forwarding when I'll see something. So would you just remind people the problem that you were in, which is a hell of a predicament? Yeah. So I got a tattoo that was supposed to be a dog that looks like my dog. It's like an outline of the tattoo, and it looks like a penis from a distance and when the top of it's covered. And when you're a nurse.

And I'm a nurse. And it's mostly a problem at work. And it does look like a penis. Oh, we really. It looks like a penis with something. shooting out of the hole. It does. It does.

It looks like an ejaculating penis. We can say it. You know, whatever. And so... Yeah, and so what has been happening behind the scenes is we were going to do a friendship game, but really what it is is different artists have sent images in, and I forwarded them to you, and you've kind of given your opinions as they've gone. Is that all correct?

Yep. That's correct. And so where are we at now, Big Dog? So, yeah, you sent me, I got some from a bunch from this guy named Dan. His were pretty, like, honorable mention. But the most recent one was from a tattoo artist who lived in Kansas. And those were the ones that I really liked. So I responded, reached out to her and had been kind of like coordinating with her behind the scenes a little bit.

And that's sort of where we're at right now. And we've got her in the waiting room when we want to chat with her. Let's bring her on, yeah? Yeah. Cool, I'll let her in now. Heck yeah. Hello. Hello.

Hey, how are you? I'm doing fantastic. How are you? Good. So we've set it up, but can we get your name? My name is Brittany Soto. And can we get the name of your tattoo shop and the location and where people can find you? What's the website or the IG?

How can they find your tattoos? It's Aptitude Tattoo Company. It's the name of the shop in Wichita, Kansas. It's aptitude tattoos.com. How do you spell it if guys are as dumb as me? They don't have aptitude. I-T-U-D-E. Okay.

So if you want a tattoo and you're in the area, Brittany is a great option. Brittany, you emailed in some beautiful designs. Katie got excited about those designs. Katie's thinking about, of all the people who have written in, and there's been a lot. your work spoke to her the most.

What do you think about a cover-up? I see, I mean, I'm down for a cover-up, but, I mean, it's going to be a lot of time and effort and things like that to go into a cover-up. So what is the time of a cover-up? Like, what does that mean? I guess it just depends on the design that we would go with, you know, moving forward. When it comes to a cover-up, I like to put something light

or like the subject matter right next to the cover-up. so we can use the negative space and then use like background or anything else to do the cover-ups. So your eye is more focused on the subject matter, not the actual cover-up. Interesting. So it's becoming a huge tattoo.

Yeah. I mean, you know, just depending on what we go with. But I mean, I do a lot of cover-ups and a lot of reworks. And a lot of times when you're doing something that's like, you know, dick-shaped or whatever, even just changing a little bit of the shape really does help. It does. So, like, putting the color in there would make, like, bring more focus to the tail. So you're saying, so you're saying we might not even need a full cover-up,

the colorization of this will actually change it. Yes, 100%. It's mostly that it's just an outline and then there's just like this, you know, the weird tail. But if you color it in, then it looks less like a dick, you know, because you have the tail, you can see, you know, a little bit more of what's happening. All right, Katie, what are your thoughts? Because Brittany's selling me. I know.

I'm thinking, does it like have to be colored, do you think? I'm not opposed to it. I just, I don't have like an eye for this, obviously. Or I wouldn't have gotten a dick tattooed on my arm. Katie, Katie, you got a dog and it turned out with the shirt it looked like a dick. Don't do that. I know. Yeah.

So I feel like I'm so cautious, like going forward. Brittany, were you a little? to the fact that you're used to covering up tattoos that look like dicks? Is this? I have done quite a few. This happens. Interesting. It does happen.

I specifically remember doing this one that was, I call it the dick jelly. And it looked like a jellyfish that was, I mean, it looked like a dick, like straight up. Yeah. So during my apprenticeship, like my sponsor was like, make sure when you're designing something you don't see any dicks or vaginas. Interesting. So I like really look out for it, so I'm never putting that on so much. Okay.

And so if we go back to the images of the five that you sent with the flowers inside, can we see that again, Jesse? Brittany, what I'm looking at here is there's the six dogs you sent in. Let's talk out each one of these because what it sounds like is you're saying one of these could really do the trick and it will fix it. Is that correct? I mean, I definitely think so. I could definitely

draw more also more ideas. I kind of kept like that line work style because that's kind of what she had with the dog flowers, the bush. But if she was willing to go in a completely different style,

you know, I could use the linework and actually put gray shading in the dog and make it look a little bit more realistic or, you know what I mean? I think what we're looking for is not a full cover-up, not a crazy huge... Like, I will say, Katie, I'm going to speak for you now.

She's not a huge tattoo person. So we don't want to walk out of her. She's like, it's not a dick, but now I have like from my ear to my ankle tattoos. Yeah. So she liked the simplicity of the dog, the lack of color, like, just that like, it was a shout-out to her dog.

So I think we might be closer than we think. And hearing what you're saying about, done this before in the shading, maybe there's just a way to change a little bit. Do you really like, Katie, do you like the lines of these art? Are you open to Brittany exploring a little bit? I'm pretty open, honestly. Yeah, like I feel like I'm journeying into the tattoo world. I only have like three other little ones.

So it's not like I'm against more elaborate tattoos. I think I'm just scared at this point because if I commit. to something and it's not great. But I trust Brittany to come up with ideas that would look good. Yes. That aren't that crazy time commitment thing because we are also in two different cities. Yeah. So ideally it would be more of a fly-in, a big session, a fly home.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Is that realistic? I don't know tattoos. That's doable for sure, right? Yeah. I mean, the linework one wouldn't take me very long at all. maybe, you know, 45 minutes to an hour.

But if we wanted to do something a little bit more, I mean, with the color and stuff in there, if we decided to go that route, that one would take, you know, three hours or something like that. But even if it's like an eight-hour day, like, even if it's a day. Right, right. So here's what I'm thinking if you guys are both into this.

Brittany, if you're comfortable with this, would you create a couple, like three options in your? your style that represent your version of the tattoo. Rather than just saying this is what she got last time, this is how we fix it, but you go like, this is my stamp on this. And what I do know about tattoos and tattoo artists from friends who have tattoos,

the artist matters to them, the story matters to them, so that this would turn into a Brittany original. And then when we've got the three that you as the artist like, Brittany and you as the canvas, Katie, like, maybe we could do a we need to pick. Oh. And the audience could also all vote on it.

Oh, I like that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I guess my question is, are you just trying to stick black and gray then? Because you're not too much of a tattoo person. Some people really want to stick with black and gray if that's, like, their vibe. I don't need to.

I've always been more of a black and gray aesthetic. This is like super weird. Maybe you can answer this question. I have always worried that it'd be like allergic to colored ink because I'm allergic to fake metals and someone told me that. But maybe that's a myth. It's not a miss. I mean, you know, some people are allergic to reds.

And so I will stick away from even brown. Yeah, maybe you can even have red in it. But like blue and greens are typically safe for the most part for people. Cool. You don't have any allergies. Would it be possible to see like one in a color direction and one in like a black and white direction? 100%.

Okay. And then we will post it all on our social media. We'll obviously tag you along with it. And then what we will do is we will create a we need to pick. Katie, once you're like, I like all three of these. Perfect. And then once everybody's in, we will get a vote from the people. But then that'll just be information for you, Katie.

if we go 72% liked number two and you go, I'm going number one. Well, that's like the love connection. Yeah. Fair enough. But again, we do know that, you know, Katie wants to get out of this mess and she does have an affinity for picking the one that looks most like the dick. Facts. So maybe we listen to the people. So I think the people, let democracy shine.

Perfect. All right. That sounds good. Hey, Katie, is there any way that I could get maybe. a little bit clearer tattoo, like pictures of the tattoo. And with a shirt on so I could see what just the bottom portion would look like. Because those ones are kind of blurry. It's kind of tough to go off of.

I can tell you what it looks like. It looks a lot like a dick with stuff coming out of it. Yeah. Almost exactly. Yeah. So Katie and Brittany, you two guys are in it with each other. When you are ready for the next stage, email in. We're very excited.

We appreciate you both participating. Yeah, this is great. Very close. Yeah, this is going to win. Hell yeah. Okay, thanks, everybody. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

Thank you. Bye, bye. Great. Bye-bye. Thanks. A lot of world building. The show's crazy, man. The show is crazy.

Crazy. Crazy. This is so different than we thought it was going to show. Oh, it's just completely different. Completely different. It's great. It's great. We're here to help us.

hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at Helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis,

Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Themes song by Oliver Raleigh, Cover artwork is by James Faustike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hit gum podcast. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon,

and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.