We're Here to Help - 264: Keeper of the Balls & Kids Like You

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

Jake and Gareth help a Mormon break into the local Church Ball league. Then, a teacher helps the class clowns control the funny. Plus, a follow-up from Ep 247 "Doormat Drama (with Jenny Slate)."See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-264 Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And when you are ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. This is a headgum podcast. And we're back. And we're here to help. We're here to help. And we are back. Yes. We've got a couple things to talk about, Jake.

But I will start, even though this is a little removed from the time. I was in Portland this last weekend. And the Huirdos were out in full force. And a lot of stuff came. my way, but a woman who I think her name was Jess came up and by the way, I should say I'm going to start bringing

calendars on the road because I'm sick of people looking disappointed when I don't have them. We don't have many left, Gareth. I know. Well, I talked to Morgan. We have some. But yeah. Is this, which is a bedazzled take-it-easy

Stink Eye. Isn't that what it says? Easy there, stink eye. This was from the woman who called with cancer. She was going on the airport airplanes early. People were judging her. Yeah, she was getting judgment. So she spent a lot of time bedazzling this. Because I think at one point we talked about giving this bedazzled hat to her.

Right. Well, why don't we, Gareth, why don't we send that hat to the woman? I think we should. Yeah, absolutely. I'm pretty sure she made that for the woman. Oh, did she? You're wearing it on your head. Oh, well, there's something else, though.

Okay. She had a few bedazzled things. She brought over a few bedazzled things. And she came up with this thing, and I thought, oh, my, I was so confused. It's not reading as well on the camera. It's the vest you used to wear. Is that the actual one that's traveling around? No, that's what I thought.

But then I realized it wasn't because on the back. It says Garfi. So it is fully bedazzled. And then here, it has a little pocket that says, Jose treats treats for Jose. So yeah, just a whole bedazzled outfit. And I will say she did bring

the vest a size smaller because... By the way, it looks better. I'll be honest, I'm fatter than that time, and so it's tight. I think it fits. It doesn't. I got you. Well, that might be too small. Yes. It's like a suitcase you'd need a neon to close.

Yeah. But very nice job with the bedazzling. Well done. Yeah. So, yeah. So we'll figure out a way to get this to the woman. I think sending her that would be fun. Yeah. But yes, but you said we have a more pressing issue, really.

Well, so I'm doing... You've done it. Oh, yeah. Well, at this point, I will have done Wheel of Fortune, but we have new exciting news for the taping of Wheel of Fortune, which I'm going to do the 20th. I'm doing it for charity, we're going to adopt some chimps and all the money's going to go.

I got another email about update about the champs, but I'm not going to read that right now. But the news that's exciting is that Pam Reynolds is a huge Wheel of Fortune fan. Huge, Jake. Take over, Gareth. We watched it every night growing up. We watched Wheel of Fortune every night. I'm not kidding.

Every night growing up, we watched Wheel of Fortune. We have Wheel of Fortune bits in my family. My mother and I watch Celebrity Wheel of Fortune. fortune often. My mother, I believe, has probably said something along the lines of, you and Jake should be on this at some point. And I'm going, you're lit, what are you talking about? She loves it. Loves, loves, loves. And then you start talking about this. And I tell her, oh, yeah, Jake's probably, you know, Jake's going to be doing one. Oh, really? Oh, that's exciting. Good for him. Oh, gosh. You know, we should get an earpiece.

so we can tell him the answers to the puzzles and blah, blah, blah, blah. But then you and I start talking, and we are saying that, you know, for Patreon, we should probably film the experience just for you anyway. We're having Kyle's going to come film it because I want to raise as much money for these chimps as possible, so I want to have some fun with it. We're going to have the hats that you,

I'm going to try to get people in the audience to buy some hats. All the proceeds are going to go to the chimps. We're going to see what we can do. So Kyle's going to film it regardless. But you start floating the idea out there. Oh, did I do? I don't remember. Could my mom come?

Maybe. Maybe. However we got to it, you have arranged for Pam to have the full VIP wheel treatment. But she's coming with me. We're going to have like a whole, we're going to have a whole, you know, little thing. You'll be driving her on the lot. Because the truth is, that. That's partial kindness, but that's also the idea of trying to get my mother on a lot alone.

I mean, it would basically... It's whenever I have to do one of these jobs, I hate when somebody... I'm trying to also connect with somebody, and they don't know where... And they're like, I'm in the back of the line. I see a nine. I don't know where the line is. There's a card. I got brought in through a weird alley.

There's some people eating under an umbrella. But so Pam's going to come with us. So when this airs, we'll have already done it. We'll do an update. We will have Pam on an intro main show. You will have had her backstage. Yes, we're going to really try to get her to meet Vanna. She's going to watch the show, which is amazing.

She's going to be in the audience. She's going to be in the audience. And backstage, whatever she wants. And I'll just feed her like she's family, so she'll just roll away. I'll be honest. The backstage is key because whatever foods back there will end up in her bag. She'll probably come with like a suitcase. It'll be weird and she will start to leave just with stuff.

Like she'll have Tupperware. Yeah, fine. But no, it's a, I mean. Nobody gets our business like women of that era. We're like, it's one of the reasons why I want my mom to move to L.A. So bad, I'm trying to make it happen. I'm like, just spend a few years of your life, come into these weird things, experiencing it, do whatever you want to do.

There's no wrong answer. If Pam weirds out, I'll defend her. Just fun. Let's have a lot of fun. She'll be fine. If she gets caught stealing stuff, I will... She will be stealing. Great. I will take all the blame. You'll be like, do you have a curing? And she'll be like, oh, are these not...

Can you not just puncture these and pour them in a cup? And you'll be like, oh, my God, it's crazy how she thinks this works. It's also 49 cents for a curing. She doesn't... This is not luxury. I've had a couple of things I've done where I've told people to buy snacks and pretend like they're, like, free. And she'll go, do you think I could take this bag of peanuts?

I'll go, well, I don't know. It's pretty risky, but go ahead. That is so funny to set somebody up so that they get a big win. Yeah, a couple times I've done that. Can I take these dirty raisins? Yeah, sure, yeah. I do it fast if you're going to take them. And she'll have like a water bottle from a green room that she's been filling up for weeks.

And I'll be like, has this been cleaned? And she'll be like, it's from when you did that show. I'll be like, that was two months ago. That's horrified. Looks like there's well water inside of it now. Let's get going to this goddamn. show. We got a banger of an episode. Let's have a little fun. Can't wait to see you, Pam. We will do a follow-up of what happened after.

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So I've got a bunch of quince shirts. Really nice black shirts. I've been wearing them a lot. I'm doing an Apple Press day to talk about the dink, the pickleball movie, the networks going back to my days when I first started, don't really like how Jakesir dresses himself

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How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. Can we get your name, please? Yeah, Chris. Hey, Chris. Where are you calling from, Chris? Utah. How old are you, Chris? 26.

26. Chris, what are you doing, Utah? Oh, by the way, do you go to that place in Utah where you get those weird sodas? Oh, yeah. What is that place called? There's lots of them. But, like, it's a big thing in Utah. Swig.

Swig. My daughter has told me about Swig. So what they do there, Gareth, is the big thing in Utah, rather than, like, party in and bars, you go and you get, like, you mix different sodas together with, like, vanilla creams. And you get, like, a hundred ounces of nine different sodas with different creams. You just mix it around and drink 10,000 grams of sugar. That is what I would imagine. If you were to be like, what is Utah for? I'd be like that.

Swig. Well, they don't drink alcohol, but they drink a crazy Coke mix. They're not. Mixed with vanilla flavor. My daughter literally out of nowhere, Chris said to me, could we go to Utah? And I went, why? And she goes, I just think it would be a fun place to go.

and I go, what is going on? And she goes, I want to go to Swig. I want to go to Swig. Yeah, that's fair. Okay. So, Chris, what can we do for you today? So I'm calling him behalf of my husband. It's his problem, but I'd like to help him.

So, like you said, we are Mormon in Utah. Woo! We did. This might be our first official Mormon, and we did not officially call you. I knew. I knew. We knew.

We knew when you were like swig. You know, if you take Fanta, we don't drink alcohol. And Sprite. Oh, you don't want to see me after a swig. By the way, no coffee. Is that right? No, no coffee.

What? Yeah. Okay, Chris, so to husband's problem, our first official Mormon, shout out Mormons, what's up? I also wonder if this is our first surrogate problem. Is this our first? Yeah, we've had a lot of people calling about their spouse.

Okay. Go ahead. Myager's not mine. It's with my husband. We've got a lot of that. That's true. So there's a billion Mormons in Utah. So where you live is who you go to church with, right?

Okay. And so we just moved into a new neighborhood, and only certain neighborhoods do what they call church ball, which is where the guys of the church play. basketball on the weekend. Church ball, okay. So, yeah, church ball. It's kind of frowned upon because people are getting a little crazy.

In what way? Not everybody does it. Getting a little too competitive. Yeah, people were fighting. Had a couple swigs, started fighting over the ball. Yeah. Or arguing. Went a little wild.

When you talk about wild at church ball, what are you talking? Oh, three-pointers. Like, fist fights. Yeah. Jake's Mormon now. Thanks, Chris. I love soda. Shakes it to it.

Yeah, of course he is. Chris, I'm fucking into it, dude. It's aggressive. Get out there and fight with a bunch of dads on church ball and then go like this. Give me a fucking. Give me a Dr. Pepper. Mixed with a Coke. Mixed with a Diet Coke.

Vanilla flavoring weird creams. Weird creams. That's what I put in my hair. Your hair is called Swig. Swig. Wait. Can I give you my Swig order and you can try it? Please.

Okay. Diet Dr. Pepper, 44 ounces, two lime wedges, little limes, and then cranberry syrup. Wow. Thanks for the call, Chris. By the way, delicious. It's really delicious. What kind of ice they use? Those, like, really good cube things? You got to have good ice.

Nuggets, of course, they're nuggets. Nugget ice matters, Gareth. Okay. It sure does in this day and age. Yeah. Oh, my God. Okay. So maybe this will be Jake and my husband Nick's problem if Jake wants to join Church Ball too.

So yeah, my husband's Nick. So he's really excited because he found out that in our new neighborhood they play Church Ball. And my uncle's in the neighborhood. So he was like, oh, this guy in our church is in charge of Churchball. ask him the detail. Please stop saying church ball or I'm going to interrupt. I'm trying to be an adult, but it feels like this is science fiction. When they're playing church ball while drinking their sodas,

I'm feeling like my head's going to explain. Just say basketball. It's different. If it's the same rules, it's just basketball. No. It's the exact same game. Okay, so it's just basketball. You guys just call it church ball, but it's just basketball.

It's just basketball. There's no net. Uncle Roger says, go ask this guy to join the basketball games. And he's in charge of it. So Nick said, okay. So on Sunday, Nick goes up to this guy and says, hey, Uncle Roger told me that you guys play basketball. I'd love to join. And he says, oh, yeah, you like to play?

And Nick says, yeah. And he goes, nice. And then walked away. Like turned away. So that was weird. And then, okay, there's another aspect to this. My mom is one of 13 kids. So you're a Mormon you said?

Chris, thank you for laughing before we commented. So you're Mormon, you said? Yeah, it's so crazy. Now that's church ball. You're fun, Chris. I only have three siblings, okay. Okay, only.

My mom has 12 siblings. So one of them, this guy plays church ball with, my uncle Roger. My aunt Leanne is best friends with his wife, the guy who's the basketball keeper. Okay. Basketball keeper. He's the shepherd of roofs, Jake. You don't understand. What is basketball keeper?

He's the keeper of the basketball. Yes. He's in charge. Oh, okay. He's the basketball keeper. He's in charge. He's in church of church ball So he just organizes the game

He's the leader of the church of ball Okay So the whole thing is This guy, let's call him Joe I don't want to give him this running This is the keeper of the balls Yeah Knows my family really well

Like he's really connected grew up with my mom's family And so did his wife So this is the second time That Nick has tried to talk to Joe about basketball we're sitting near him and his wife. And his wife says, have you met Chris and Nick? They're so-and-so's niece.

And he was like, oh, yeah, I play basketball with your uncle. And Nick says, oh, yeah, when do you guys play basketball? And he turns around again. What? So Nick has tried to ask him twice when they play basketball and he won't tell him. Now, if you tell me Nick. is six foot 10 inches tall. I'm hanging up on you.

So Nick is 6'4. Okay. What? Chris, he's too big. They don't want him because he's going to dominate church ball. If you tell me Joe the keeper is 5 foot 4 and heavy, this isn't an issue. No, no, no. Joe's like also 6'4, like really tall. Oh, thank God.

Good guys. Okay, thank God. Yeah. Like, I think it's a pretty competitive league. Like, I think it's good basketball. but they won't invite Nick. Okay. You are amazing.

I think it's good basketball is such a great statement. It is because by the way, she's not wrong. Sometimes it's bad basketball. Well, Mormons are going to play good ball. They're going to pass. They're going to set screens.

Yeah. They're going to run offenses. And they're competitive. They're very competitive. Believe me. Utah has always done very good with basketball. Yeah. True.

You guys always create a bunch of guys that I find boring to watch in the NBA. I agree. But they're not my kind of. They're called jazz. Yeah. Basically, Chris, the question is, how do we solve Nick's issue of getting into the league when Joe keeps physically turning away from him? How do we get him to play church ball with Nick with the keeper of basketball?

Joe, the keeper of the basketballs. Yeah. Boy, that is. That's hard. And what has, so Nick, what Nick has tried to do is just bring it up is what you said. Yeah, Nick's asked him, like, point blank twice. Interesting. And Uncle Roger is in.

the league? Yes. So Uncle Roger's playing. How tall is Uncle Roger? Maybe 6-2. Jesus Christ. What do you guys? I'm going to drink some swig.

I mean, to me, my first protocol would be that, and Nick has never shown up to the games, correct? No, he doesn't know when they happen. But Uncle Roger does. This is right.

Gareth. But when he asks Uncle Roger, Roger says you have to go to Joe. Oh, because this weird Mormon thing, it has to go through the keeper of the basketball. Yeah, honestly, the keeper of the falls. You have to go to the bridge with the basketball troll. Yeah, this is why.

Solve his dribble riddle. Do you, do you think, how close is Nick with Uncle Roger? Close. I mean, my first thing is, my first thing. No, we got to go to the keeper. He does not. So here's what I think. I don't think we can go around about.

Chris, this is the first time that the premise of this does not take place in a bar. It takes place in a swig shop. The three of us are drinking a bunch of sodas. And Gareth and I have had way more sugar than should ever fit in our frames because we're not Mormon. I've been pouring a little whiskey in mine. No, you haven't. Yes, I have. You couldn't buy it from anywhere.

I brought it. Yeah. I don't care what you think of me. I did it. So here is what I think we do. And now we need to step into the Mormon culture. Yep. Okay.

This is actually, we are having to go into like in bed. So now in terms of the keeper of the basketball church ball league, Joe, in the Mormon religion, what would a young shepherd, dude to like a great shepherd who wanted to like marry the shepherd's daughter would it be like bring lamb would it be show what a good worker you are would it be show what dedication you have in the religion what is a way that a younger male shows an older male i too could be part of the upper echelon of the church um crazy way to stay that say that question, but I do think hard work is...

I liked it. Thank you. Yeah. I was real on board. I was like, exactly. Hard work. Taking the cherries down after church, that kind of thing. Taking the what down?

Chairs down? The chairs down. I thought you said cherries. I thought you said cherries, too. No. Chairs. Yeah. Maybe you did say cherries.

We both heard it sounds. Maybe you've had a little bit too much sugar here, Chris. At this point, if you said he helps take the cherries down, that would not be shocking, okay? Anything like this? With this call, that's the truth. If you said taking the cherries down off the tree, we'd go like this.

Okay, so there's cherries and trees and you guys take him down after the weeks. I was going to let it go and be like, cool, so he's the cherry guy. That's awesome. Love that for him. He's the picker of the cherries. Yeah, he takes the cherries down, obviously, right?

Cheers them, awesome. Totally normal. Makes sense. I, um, my, Jake, my first instinct is, and I am trying to get into the, like we said, I'm trying to get into the Mormon zone here a little bit, is what if he gifts Joe with some stuff?

What if he bribes his way into the league with, like, maybe, for lack of a better term, a church ball care package, or just, you know what? Hold on, here's a wild pitch. What if he offers to ref? Oh. That gets him in the blood a little bit.

Then he's there. And even if they say no, it's kind of a less, it's like a less aggressive version. So I'm pitching church ball care package. And maybe he offers to ref. You know what I would pitch, Chris? A handwritten letter asking for a chance to participate in church ball

with a very long explanation of how you've moved there, how much this means to you, how much it means to him to be part of the community of church ball players, how much he respects the role of basketball keeper. And even if your numbers are full, like 13 siblings in a family, I will wait by the side of table for supper. So if that means he just needs to sit there

in case there's an injury or a substitution, he just wants to be part of the males playing church ball in order to impress the females so that perhaps he could pregnant them. Well, again, Chris, I think Jake, at the end there, I think everything up until there, Jake was doing a pretty good job. But obviously you guys are in a committed relationship and we don't want to mess with that at all.

Do you guys have kids yet? No, no kids. If he was in church ball, scoring many baskets, would you be more willing to have children with him? I don't know if that would play a part. Well, let's pretend it would. You want to create more Mormons, don't you?

But you need to see if your man is able to compete a church ball. You're supposed to. I'll have a kid if you let him into the league. We will create Mormons if you put him into church ball. Do you want, I know you want more Mormons, Joe. That's the whole idea. Make more. Don't let them leave.

It's a pitch. What do you think about playfully going to your aunt in saying, I'm trying to solve a problem for Nick, let's get the women involved. If you could get Joe's wife, he's the keeper of the basketball, to let Nick play, we will make a baby within the next two years.

Because guess what, Chris? You're going to make a baby in the next two years. You have to. You're Mormon. You guys are having a baby. In many ways, Nick is keeper of the balls. I'm sorry. I apologize.

So what do you think about that play? I think my aunt is less game than my uncle would be. Okay. So you go to the uncle. Yeah, I like that idea. If you go to the uncle, you go to the uncle and you say something. It could be that. It could also just be like, look, you know, Nick is kind of like trying to find himself.

I really think it would be good for him. Please. Oh, you're saying. Like he needs to get out more? Yes. Chris. So you got two options. One is the fun one.

And that's because what I don't think, I don't want Nick, I don't want this to be afterwards. You say, here's the solution, Nick, go do it. You called in, so this is your problem. You're trying to get your husband into church ball with the guys. So I think you go to your uncle and you say, I need you to do me a favor. My husband would really love to play church ball because he wants to feel more connected to the other men in this area since we've moved. I'm afraid he might be spiraling. He's been looking at Miller Lights online.

I saw he googled. He's been looking at what? Miller Lights. He Googled. A beer? He Googled Starbucks. Oh, no. We have got to get this man in church ball because he's got some influences.

Call him Jake and Gereff. And these guys are talking about how good caffeine is in coffee. How rock and roll light beer is. and you go, I just want him around good influences, not Jake and Gareth. I think, Chris, at the core of what Jake and I are offering is, I think if a plea to Uncle Roger that is you're in a new area, Nick needs to find himself, please help. You know, he's been, you don't even need to bring up the Joe part,

but just say he really wants to get involved. How can he help you do it? This is right. But here's my only concern. Go ahead. Do I explain to Uncle Roger that Joe has turned him down twice? No. No.

No. You don't know that. Or is he just going to send me to Joe again? No. But if he sends you to Joe, then you say, I'm asking you for your help because it hasn't been working for us. Yeah. I think then if he says that, then you do go to him and you do make the author. But then if he says that, if your uncle really roadblocks you, you got a call back in, Chris,

because then there might be something weird about Nick. Weird is not a weird person. Weird is for men, you can just tell he wouldn't be our vibe while we play. He'll ruin the game. Oh. And, oh, I was going to say this too. He is like 20, 30 years younger. So I didn't know if they just wanted, didn't want him in because he's 25 and they're all like 50.

Hey, Chris, thanks for the call. Hey, Chris. Hey, Chris. Hey, Chris. Thanks, good to talk to you guys. Chris, this is like basically at the end of the call, you're like, by the way, he's on the Utah jazz. I should have brought that up earlier. He's a professional basketball with 10, 50-year-old men is one thing.

You don't. Playing basketball with 950-year-old men and a 24-year-old guy, it's a whole different animal. Chris. So, Chris, you're the best. Here's what we need to do for Nick. I guarantee in that Mormon community. There's a bunch of people. Yeah, there's a bunch of people your guys' age.

Is that correct? Yeah. So Nick is the new head of church ball for the young guys. He's the keeper of the ball. And when you see a woman your age at church and you're like, hey, Stacey, have you been to Swig lately? And she goes, yeah, I had a crazy drink. you go like this. Oh wow, look at your husband.

He's six foot four, too, because all of them are. Does he play church ball? And she'll go, he'd like to. And go, well, my husband's the keeper of the ball. Two guys. He becomes the new Joe. He's, no, he becomes the new keeper of the young guys. Let Joe be Joe.

Yeah, but he's the Joe for the younger guys. He is a new generation. He's Nick, the keeper of the ball. But their league are guys kind of under 35. Yeah. And if you're older 35, go contact Joe. But if you're younger, you're Mormon, and you're 6'4 and you love to set three screens and five passes before a shot and you probably pull your socks up high to your knees, come here. Chris, the thing is, if you're in a league that's good, you don't want a new person to be the best player in the league.

breaks the league. It's just, they got a good thing going. I agree that Joe could be, Joe could be communicating this in a better way. He's too young. He's too young. So that is what you need to do. You need to, and.

Well, because, but Chris, here's the reality. And this is what Gareth is saying. The 50-year-old guys, they're playing at a speed that works for all of them. Yeah. There's also probably breaks. There's probably not that many fast breaks. All of a sudden, if Nick

is there, everybody's going to feel bad. First pick every game, they'll go I'll take Nick. Yeah. You know who this is going to be a really fun move for? Nick. Nick. You know who's going to hate it? Everybody else. Yeah. But you know what? Nick will

love a league of guys his own age. Yep. Yeah. That's what we're going to talk to Nick about starting the league and or do you want to do it with us too. Should we talk to Nick? to be in the league?

No, do you want us to help? We're the same age. No, we're not Mormons. We're under six feet tall and we're wadi. Do you want us? We don't meet the complications. No, we don't at all. There's no boxes.

I'm the opposite of Mormon. Everything your husband is, we aren't. We can talk to Nick and maybe size it up a little better. Do you think he would do that? Do you want him to do that? Yeah. Okay. He's not work right now.

Do you want me to call him? Maybe we can schedule a follow-up at another time. Yeah, we'll need a minute with him. And then what we'll do is we will pitch to him of how he can start a new league. So here's what you can do to help us, Chris, before that call, because let's ambush him. Let's hit his system like a swig drink hits your system. Let's go hard and fast. So here's what I want you to do.

Find out where they play basketball, where they play church ball. Do they rent the gym or is it open to everybody? All of our churches have gyms in them. That's cool. That's cool. The Mormons just want to keep you in shape. They want to keep you in the church, which is smart. And by the way, yeah, they are.

They're offering like a program. And so how do you sign up for it? Is there like a, do you have to sign up for time at the gym? Yeah. You can like rent it out. Now we're talking. So here's what I would like you to do. Find a time that would work for Nick and start.

start renting that out. You start talking to other wives who are your age and ask if their husbands would want to play church ball in a younger league of men in their kind of 20s and 30s and see what night works. This is the way it's going to get you into the community. Okay. So, Chris, you're the keeper of the basketball.

Oh, my gosh. Heavy is the head. Because then what you start doing is you're putting this together. And before you know it, you use the wives to do it. And all of a sudden, you've got 10 yeses. You tell Nick, hey, you're playing church ball on Tuesday. He goes, Joe called? And you go, I did.

You know, Jake, it reminds me of another booming voice from the sky in Field of Dreams. If you build it, they will come. That's exactly. Oh, my gosh. You're building a league and then presenting it to your husband. This is sweet. I love it. This is the most Utah version of a call imaginable.

I'm freaking out. I love it. I think our show is a Mormon show. The Mormon community presents. We're here to help. I kind of agree. We're the keeper of the. calls. By the way, we're the keeper of the calls. And we're not at a bar anymore. We're at a

swig shop. Yeah, I'm putting a little whiskey in my, no ban is. Let's get a free kidney. Let's adopt chimpanzees. Yeah. We're Mormons, brother. Yeah, that's right. This is the greatest realization I've ever had. Thank you, Chris. And will you, I think we've actually changed. We were going to make Chris the keeper. I mean, we were going to make Nick the keeper. But Chris, do this with the other women in Form a League and then present it to Nick. And you could also present it to on a call with us. That's a great idea. I love that.

But see if you can get, all you really need for the league, to be honest, to start, is six. If you get six, you can play three on three half court and that's a great league. That will build it. But all you need is five other players

and then you've got a legit league. Three on three is great. If you can get three on three, you're really playing basketball. Okay, I love this. And then once you have three on three, before you know it, you'll have 15. But you just need the core group who agree to show up every week

because what you can't have as a league and then one week you have three players show up, then four, then two, then that dies. You need a really solid six, and six can go to 15 pretty easily. But from six to 15, those are going to be stragglers. Yeah. Start with six. Start with six. Okay.

Keep us posted, Chris. Way to go. I love it. Hey, Chris. Thank you for your help. Thank you for the. call. We loved this one. Thank you. This episode is brought to you by the great Walden University. You guys know a lot, Walden University.

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When you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hello. Hello. How you doing? Good. How are you? I'm doing great. What is your heart? first name.

Samantha. Samantha. You ever go by Sammy? No, actually, I hate that. I hate it, too. Where are you from, Samantha? Las Vegas. Hey, I was just in Vegas.

I heard. Did you love it? Robo tripping. Yeah, I got a little bit sex, so we have to leave early. Did you ever, do you get out Area 51? Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's cool. Love it. Omega Mark.

Oh, yeah. And also I did that. and also that weird table that goes up in the air and you just like sit there up in the air? Oh, I haven't done the weird table. That's cool. I did the word table. Are you sure you weren't just on cough medicine at a regular table?

As I was saying it, I realized, no, I'm not. Samantha, Las Vegas. What can we do for you today? So I teach middle school. What grade? Six seventh or eighth? Six seven, baby. Six seven.

God bless you. God bless you. I know. It's rough in these streets. I'm going to tell you right now. Kids like me made it real hard on people like you. Actually, that's why I'm calling. I'm calling specifically about kids like you.

Okay. Because I need help. So you got two brainiacs. Yeah, you got two geniuses. I actually do have two extremely charming yet annoying students that are really. Let's call him Jake and Gareth. No, go. No.

New caller. Jake, be honest. No, I mean, not in a bad way. I actually really enjoy it. No, like good annoying. Of course. If you say balding with greasy faces, I'm going to get my feelings hurt by the first part.

Two annoying six graders. One's bald and one's got an oily grease face. Eddie keeps talking about how it's product. It's product, Jake. Sixth grade. Shiner than the hash browns. Sixth grade you and me with all the same tone with each other. Honestly, we're lucky that that, America's lucky that that didn't happen.

We are lucky because we'd be in jail by now. Absolutely, without question. So, Samantha, the floor is yours. Oh, thank you. So I do have, and I'm going to say it's not just these students in particular. I kind of have a genre of child that I teach. that is very funny, very charismatic. And I'm just going to say all of sixth grade is like this.

And as evidenced by the six, seven, you know, they're trying stuff out. They're workshopping in class. You know, and I just, I can't keep giving them detention. I've been on the other side of this transaction. This is exactly why I called it. I went to the principal every single single. day in fourth grade for, I think, four straight months. It got to the point, this is not a joke.

I used to put my feet up on the principal's desk, and he wouldn't be offended. You know, that is... Yeah, because I was in there so much. There was a thing I had eventually. It is interesting. Eventually, you do kind of get to a more negotiating standpoint. Because it is sort of like, all right, look, what are we going to do? And you're like, I actually have hand now.

He literally, at one point goes, like, I remember my feet were on his desk and we were talking. And he goes, like, are you okay? And I remember being like, he's just a guy. Yeah. He's not a bad guy. We are. We're just guy. We're just guys.

I was like, you're just a guy and I guess I might be the problem. Yeah. There, I remember that so well. Okay. So give us a little more, Samantha. What's up? Sure. So I, you know, I, they are, they do kind of negotiate with me.

In fact, sometimes they'll just say, why don't you give me detention? So I feel like it's ineffective. They want detention. They want detention? I think they're trying to bluff, you know. I mean, I do call their bluff and give them detention, you know. But I also, I want to help them, you know. And I don't want them to just exist in their current state.

I want to help them with positive reinforcement. And all of these students in general. What is? Like, how do I... What is it about these two specifically just to know the level of distraction? Like, is it class clowning? Is it just not paying attention? It's a lot of commentary and jokes, which, you know, I enjoy a little bit of.

I can handle a little bit of it. But it doesn't stop. It's a lot of getting up out of our seat to do things. You know, I had to hide the hand sanitizer because so many of these kids will just get up. So Samantha, just to get up out of their seats. You want to know what the audience is feeling right now, and they say it in the comments and the emails. It's us interrupting callers.

Oh, I don't mind, though. No, but it's the same. It's the, Samantha, the way the kids are in classes, the way Gareth and I are with call them. You're just trying to get the lesson of calls. And you just keep going, hand sanitizer. My hands are dirty.

My hands are dirty. You're used to it. But other people are like, you're like, when you hear it, you go like this. Oh, I'm back at work. Other people are like, hey, I'm trying to drive to work. Can you let the lady finish? Well, and I'm a big fan of the show. So normally that doesn't bother me at all.

You know, I tend to enjoy your tangents. But, yeah, in the classroom, I'm also not trying to teach you things, right? We're teaching you. Well, I wouldn't go that if I'd like. Right. I agree. So, Samantha, what is the specific? question because I know we're going to be able to help and I have a picture ready, but I want to hear the specific question as well as you are triggering old stuff in me. I do feel like you're a teacher of sixth grade. I'm in sixth grade. I feel like I want you to like me, but I also want to mess with your day.

Garrett, can you relate to that feeling? Completely. There's a lot going on inside of me internally. I'm trying to be professional, but honestly, I want to go to the hand sanitizer. Me too. I also, I deserve to go to the hand sanitizer. I want Samantha to like me and be charmed and smile at me. little bit, but I also want her to get to the rage baiting point where she's going to like, I'm going to ring your fucking neck. That's coming. That's what I like. Yeah, actually one of the students, before I had him as a student, used to hear me rage. And one of the teachers came up to him and said, why are you smiling?

And he just said, I just love to hear her rage. So a big part of it, Samantha, is, and look, let's be perfectly honest, I still have this issue. I love rage baiting. We do it to each other. Gareth and I do it to each other. It's all of our relationship with the NFL. Just rage baiting each other. There were also certain teachers

that were fucking hilarious when you got. Like, there was one guy who would throw me out, and it would be, he would call me Mr. Comedy Sport. Like, it was so, he would go, Reynolds, get the hell out, Mr. Comedy Sports. And everyone, and I'd be like, yeah. It was amazing. We had a guy named Gary Clark,

and Gary Clark had spent some time in the war in Vietnam, and his whole thing was he would say, I'm 60% deaf in one ear, and I'm 40% deaf in my other ear, and in my eyes, that makes me 100% deaf. Let's do this. And so, but he said it at the beginning of every new year, every, everything,

and at one point he got so, mad at me that he said throughout my day, I've got seven special needs kids, Jake, and I consider you one of them. And I said, that's too far and you know it. Yeah, that would get us fired now. I mean, this was a different time, but I was like, you're right that you're mad at me. You cannot say that. I know I can't. Right. What? What'd you say? I loved Gary Clark. Oh, it's the best. Anyway, okay. My question, not to, you know, be a teacher here, but come. So my question is that I need to get to be in trouble.

Skip, boy, Jake. Sorry, Samantha. But I also, I'm going to leave this call and go and be around, you know, 30 years. So this is, it's fine, you know. So how do I get these kids to behave by also supporting their needs? natural charismatic humor. I want to come up with like a positive reward system for students. And I want to hone them.

You know, I want to teach them better humor. I want to, you know, I kind of mingroled them in out of the six, seven thing by saying it was lame that kindergartners are doing it. And that kind of worked actually. So,

but I don't want to mean girl them. You know, I want to, I want to support them. I want them to become successful podcasters. Yeah. I got a pitch. Keep them out of the business.

Yeah. I got my. first pitch as the beginning, and it's going to have to evolve. But it's the beginning, quote, unquote, of a punishment, knowing that what's going to happen and they don't realize it is they're going to like the punishment, and you're going to evolve the punishment into something that kids start doing as a group, and it's going to become something that everybody does. But it's going to do the first couple are going to feel like a punishment, but the kids are

going to do a really good job of it. and that's what's going to change it. The punishment for talking and getting in trouble three times is in front of the cold class, you need to do a hot take that is written out and it's got to be three pages.

It's a lot of work. It's extra homework. But then when they do that hot take, it's the first time. Rather than be funny in the back of the class because this is where a lot of class clowns fail, they're really funny in the back, but can you be really really?

funny when you're now being asked to be funny. And so now you're in the front. And some kids won't do it and they'll go, I can't do this, I don't like this. And then it's, you're not as funny as you thought you were. Just learn a little bit more. And other kids are going to get up there and you're going to be dying, laughing at their hot take.

And then after you get to say to them one on one, that was so good. Well done. Do me a favor. Talk lesson class. And I'll let you do a hot take at the end of the month every Friday. Because then you started as a punishment and you end it with a reward. I do teach public speaking.

So this is a, this would go really nicely. And with my, I teach theater and public speaking. So I, I think this would be a fantastic, I like that idea, the three page hot. I like making them right too. But they can't improvise a. hot take. Right. So they have to turn.

They have to, their assignment is they got in trouble and all of a sudden they go, I got three pages. And not only that, they have to do it in front of the class. So if it's, my hot take is I shouldn't talk to it. They're going to feel like such a goober.

And then they have to turn it in early. You have to read it and go like, this isn't good enough. Another draft. You know what you could also do is on like popsicle sticks, put like a red side and a, green side. And if they are swayed, they show the green. Like, if they've made a good argument, you feel the reinforcement from the class with them holding up something. Because I think what you're

saying is right. I remember that. Like the idea of, oh, you're a real hot shot when the lights aren't on. Yeah. But now let's see what you could do. And that's a way for sort of peer evaluation to also play into it. Yes. And that is stop disrupting. So real quick about the popsicle sticks because I you know that that sounds great would I use that with Jake's pitch as well yes because yes that's at the end of the hot take like so the hot take you know mustard's better than ketchup we've heard that one for you know so if you are like you know what now that I've heard this this kid's right then you hold up a green and it's a way to show that they've made a compelling argument in front of the class ooh if what if I gave them to all the kids that's

exactly right there you go and then you do a vote and And if you get the majority. That's what I mean, yes. Yeah, right. Yeah, then great job. Yes. Then you feel validate. And then you are officially out of trouble.

Yes. Yes. Officially out of trouble. You could not take your way out of trouble. You could essentially create a fake doghouse and you go in the doghouse and you have to hot take your way out of it. And then you could also do it. Then you could also do a thing so it's not just the bad kids getting this education.

You could give rewards. And that is, if you hot take your way, you can choose to hot take. And if you win, you get 10 minutes of free choice at the end of class while everybody else is doing blank. Or no homework over the weekend or blank. So you either, so somebody goes, all I got was I'm out of the doghouse, but they got an ice cream sandwich. And you go, yeah, you were in trouble, Jake and Gary. and these other people did it by choice and they got a reward. Steve Burr gets an ice cream sandwich that he won't shut up about.

So either you could keep getting in trouble or use these hot takes, be good all month, do another one, and I'm giving out ice cream sandwiches. I mean, I love that idea. I'm kind of inspired to actually make a literal cardboard dog house. That's what I was thinking. No. But they're not having people's things. names that could go in the doghouse.

Yes. I love the idea of the literal. Yes. I do too. This is very, this is fantastic. Well, you know, the theater teacher in me, I'm like, can I build something? Now we're talking.

Yes. I love it. The literal dog house. Okay. And then, okay. So as a student, they're being annoying. I give them three, you know, final warning. You're going to write me a three page hot take, right?

Yes. They're in the dog. You're in the dog house. But you could give people warnings. You go like this. Yes, too. If I have to give you again, you're in the doghouse. The only way out of the dog house, and then if they go like, some in the dog house, so what?

Well, guess what? But you know the dog house means every night you've got a 15-minute homework assignment. Every night you've got the, you have to sit at the front of the, there's consequences. You have to sit in the front of the class alone. You've got it like, like, I was getting in trouble a lot in fifth grade, and my teacher sat me away from everybody else. I had that too. And then she put a literal

bookshelf that was movable that was about five feet height between me and everybody else. So all I could see was her and the chalkboard. I couldn't even see the kids. It's highly effective. Yeah, it was. I've had to do similar things.

It felt like a horse where they put the blinders on and I go like, fine, I'll just walk you around Central Park, you asshole. Take them off so I can see shit. But it works. It shuts you up. Yeah, it is effective. Moving the tourists around.

You just go like, I'll just walk now. You've taken away my joy. So we'll... So we'll have the dog house. But I'm gonna fucking shit right now. As I'm walking. Okay, all right. Behind the bookshelf.

Jake! Okay, so we have the dog house. They go in the dog house. They have to write a hot take. We want that ready in the next couple days. And then towards the end of class, they have five minutes to sway, six minutes to sway the class on a well-written hot take.

If they do a compelling hot take and they get a lot of greens from the fellow students, they're out of the dog house. But if they mail it in and they don't get it, then they're still in the dog house. And then what does that mean? Do we want to attach a more... Out of the doghouse can't be too much of a reward because the reason is... It's just neutral. It's just you're back to one.

But I do believe, Samantha, there's got to be two things. One, you've got to give an opportunity for the kids doing good to also participate with a win. Yeah. And two, you are the dictator. So if all the kids vote yes because they like somebody, even though they did a bad job, you need to say majority doesn't win. You've still lost. They just are doing it because they like you. Here's a –

Yeah, I always have veto power. So, yeah. You have – but by the way, that's an established rule. Mm-hmm. Here's a pitch to maybe involve the rest of the class so it doesn't feel like a one-on-one. What if the rest of the class pitches on what the hot take has to be? Like the class is involved with like before the person has to go off and write the hot take, the class is tossing out ideas.

Can I pitch something, Gary? Yes. Samantha, this is crazy. But if you really want to get this to stop, if somebody ends up in the doghouse everybody has to do a hot take oh I like that idea so here's why

but that's the only issue I see is that they want to be in the dog house right so yeah no but here's why so it's the same stuff you've seen in every army movie yeah one guy's not cleaning his bed and the lieutenant goes like you gotta get that bed and he goes like Fuck you, man. He goes, everybody drop down.

Everybody's doing push-ups as the sign comes up. So all of a sudden, some guys being funny in the class laughs, but you joking around is making me do more homework. I'm done laughing at your jokes, Jake. That's it, Gareth. It's over. And then hot takes all of a sudden, the other thing that'll happen is they're kind of fun,

so then you can move them away from punishments and turn it into a reward system. Attaching their face. That's what I'm looking for. Yes, I think we can get there. I think that's a good tweak. But I like that everybody has to do it. And all of a sudden everyone goes like, what?

And then that like one quiet girl who's great for the first time goes like, wait, what? Yes. I need to write a three page essay? And read it. I don't want to. Which is great because they can work on their public speaking. Yes.

And then their hot take, one of them will be. I really wish some of the boys in our class would shut up so I don't have to do extra homework. And when everybody says yes, that boy's going to go, maybe I'm not as funny as I thought I was. He is right. That is a big part of the psyche. If you're killing, you're going to keep going.

But if you do feel the penitence. The reason you kill in that grade is because all the kids are insecure. Sometimes they're just laughing because they don't know what else to do. I think that's a great tweet. Oh, absolutely. I think that makes it a lot more. feasible for me to do it because I that was my worry that I in like it would be too fun for them where all of a sudden it's like the hot takes are taking over the whole class.

Everybody. Pain. I like it. It has, it does have the discipline aspect of it and it does include everybody also helps them with their public speaking, which is what we want. And again, they're, I love it. Having like the thing we found in the first round is they, you know, gives them a strong POV. they have to write for their own, like, thinking, their own perspective.

Mm-hmm. It's character building. Yes. And I like the idea of they have to come up with the hot take, too. Me too. Everything. And that's part of them the assignment. There's a week of, like, building people's hot takes, and then they go, they have, like, a week to get it ready.

And then there's a big performance day. And really, what you could try to do is talk to other teachers and see if you can get kids from other classes to join, too. Ooh, that was always, larger spotlight. Absolutely. Absolutely. We are a public speaking school. So, you know, we, every single student gets a public speaking class every day. That's exactly right.

So it could be a thing. This could be a school-wide thing, actually. This could be a school-wide thing. Well, it's also, if you bring in the older kids, that was always where you're like, oh, shit. I'm not funny. I don't want to talk. I apologize. First of all, I want to say to everybody, I apologize.

I'm invisible. I'm an idiot. Yeah. One thing, Samantha, would you like to, should we arrange that you talk to, and no pressure if you don't need it at this point. But would you like to talk to the Godfather? The goat. Because we could get, we could put you on with Mr. H. Oh, my goodness.

Because what we could do is he could give you some hot takes. We are just, you know, he owns the company. We're just door-to-door salesman. Got you. He owns the lotion brand. We just knock on your door and go, can we put it on your hands? See, I can say you three bottles.

I mean, I would love to talk to. A teacher needs a teacher, you know what I mean? Jesse? Can you see if we can write an email to Mr. H? Yeah, Samantha, are you around at all the rest of today? Or should we schedule that for another time? I am around. I have about another 25 minutes before I have to get back to class.

Maybe we'll do another day. Yeah. Yeah, but we could do it another day. Absolutely. This is my prep period. So this is a good time for me to call. And, you know, and all of the, the whole school is supportive of this, which is cool. So, like, I've talked to my admin about it.

And it's a really unique fun school. So, you know, they were all excited that I was doing the podcast and getting your advice. Well, let's try. Eventually what we're going to do, Samantha, is we're going to get the whole school doing Mr. H. We're going to get the whole school to do. We're here to help. Mr. H's hot takes. I would love eventually

I would love eventually a banner that there's an annual we're here, but we got to get the we're here to help in there too. It's got to be in there. My partner's a branding. I'm here to help presents

Mr. H's hot takes day. I mean, absolutely. I mean, we could do an assembly day. Do an assembly day. Take photos of it. We'll post all about it. I mean,

our school would love to partner with y'all. We're partnered. It's a partnership. This could be really fun. Barbara's closing the deal here, Samantha. Rob just wrote Gareth will fly out. He won't.

He won't. That flight. Well, actually, in May I'm going to be in tomorrow. I'm trying to think. Jackgareth Reynolds.com. Yeah, it might happen. That could happen.

If you did stand up for all the kids and you did a hot take. Oh, my God. be as funny as it gets we'd get Kyle to film that Hot take I do a hot take But Samantha We could get the whole school in there

That would be so fun But Samantha for now If that happens to be incredible But I would bomb I call it now Bomb but Samantha Let's really do this

And let's blow up the school With hot takes Starting with the kids It'll be great for the show It will work for the kids And because you guys are public speaking it's kind of perfect. But for now, let's get your setup with Mr. H.

And we will get you guys kind of talking and the godfather can, you know, give you some pointers. And then you're going to do what you do and you're going to be, we're going to create something really special in the desert. I think an oasis in the desert. I love it. In oasis in the desert.

In the meantime, I'm going to make the doghouse because that's fun and I have hardboard. So I think, yeah, I'll send you guys a picture of the doghouse. Keep us up to date with all the info and all the extra stuff. We live for it. This is great, Samantha. Oh, thank you so much.

I had so much fun. Oh, you're great. This is exciting. All right. We'll talk more. All right. Thanks, bud. Go get them.

All right, thank you. Bye. Hello. Hello? What's happening? Who are you, please? My name is. Eva, but my husband, I think, is the one who's supposed to be talking.

Sorry, he's coming. That's cool. What's up? It's Eva, you said? Eva, yes. What's up, Eva? Where are you from? I'm from Monaghan in Ireland.

Ireland, that's cool. It's a small county. Yeah, I'm the Irish wife. That's cool. Yeah, but I'm good, thank you. How are you guys? Good. What does the Irish wife mean to you when you said I'm the Irish wife?

Does it mean something to be an Irish wife? When my husband joined, he was just like, oh, my wife was Irish. So, you know. Yeah. So where'd you guys meet? We met in a small little place at the top of Ireland. We were both doing, well, I was doing like a gap year after school. And my husband, Patty, was on the staff, whatever.

And he was eyeing me up and I had no idea. But then he told me after and I was like, oh, I guess, I guess you're cool. Did you say I hand me up? And his name's Patty? his name's Patty yeah but he's Canadian he's not Irish and eyeing her up you know giving her the old fucking cool term feels very old world so he was I and Yev in Ireland and then he pulled you from Ireland

and where do you guys live now? No we're living in Ireland we're living in Dublin oh he went so I spent some time in Dublin I went to Trinity acting school oh did you? Oh very the Samuel Beckett theater oh really Yeah, yeah. God, I love Sam Beckett. How long are you there? Super cool. About four months.

Am I that? Look at you. How old? 20. Good for you. Hello? Hello. Oh, here he is. Paddy?

Hi. Hi, Pazzi. Well, we were just catching up with Eva a little bit. We know you were giving her the eyes. What do you want, I think she was waiting for you to set this up. So you're in Dublin. Okay. You're Patty.

She's Eva. We don't really know anything else. Yeah, yeah. So originally I called about, we had a downstairs, our downstairs neighbor changed our door map. Oh, my God. This was big. This went.

People weighed in on this. Was, hey, Patty, was Jenny Slate on the call? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And the, so Patty, walk everybody through the problem who are new to this. And are not going to hear the first one right away.

So retell the problem and what we did. Yeah. So basically the problem was there was a moment. So a while ago, my wife bought a new dormant to replace our ugly old doormat that came with the apartment when we rented it. And so she got that. And then like a month after we got that new dormant, then our neighbor downstairs kind of stopped us as we were walking into our house,

put down two new dormats, one on top of our new one. and said same style if that's okay. And we just didn't really know what to do then. So I called you guys. And what did we suggest? And of the suggestions, what did you like? Yeah. And what did you do?

Yeah. So you guys suggested. So the main suggestion that I was hoping to go with was like faking a spill, like a like accidentally like shattering a bottle of wine. Yes, the red wine spillage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And so, but we ended the call kind of saying maybe I'll check in with my wife, but I have a confession to make. Please. Can I tell this part, Patty? No, no, he can't. The confession is, hey, hey, Patty, Patty, Patty. I'm going to have to jump in as one of the hosts of the show. Eva, would you please tell this part? My fellow, thank you, Jake.

So obviously Patty was so. Obviously, Patty was so hype for this call or whatever. I honestly thought it was, I didn't think you guys would really take the call seriously. I thought he just wanted a reason to talk to Jake Johnson, to be honest. Not true. Well, easy, does it, buddy. He was like, I wanted to talk to Garrett. I didn't want to talk to either of.

We had a dormant issue. Free help. Anyway, he was writing little notes this call. That was fine. Anyway, I was in a different room when he was having it. I come in to check and I'll make him nervous. And I start recording him to show his family. how stressed are he looks while he's on this call.

And then I realized the call is coming toward an end. So I'm like, oh, I'm going to sit on the bed and listen to it. And he's like, obviously clearly, like, leave me alone. I'm trying to focus. I'm at work. Yeah, this is business. Talking to two doctors. I know, right?

Anyway, next thing I can hear is Jenny Slapy and like, don't tell your wife. I'm not sitting there with my jaw on the ground being like, Who is this Jenny girl? What is she doing right now? It's like you heard an affair. Yeah, that is a tough one. So, I mean, I knew a kind of what was going on. But I put the pieces together and I realized, yeah,

she's trying to tell him to sabotage the map. Yeah. And in fairness to Patty, like our neighbor's situation, like he was trying, he didn't want to like share too much about their life. But I was just like knowing them and like basically they've come from Ukraine and, you know, like, I didn't think they had much money. I was like, I do not want to ruin these people's mat, like, but they spent money on. That makes sense.

Yeah. So then I was like, so anyway, yeah, I was basically like sitting there and Patty was agreeing to not telling his wife. And I was like, well, no, I was agreeing to, I was saying I'll talk. Go ahead, Patty. Make us better. You got, you guys were saying, no, well, you guys were saying, oh, talk to wife. And I was like, yeah, I'll talk to her.

Not like, I didn't think about the fact that she was sitting right in front of me. I was just like, I was shitting my. pants. I was so nervous. And so I was like, yeah, I'll talk to her. And I thought you guys were running out of time as well. So I was like, I'll talk to her and get back to you guys. That makes sense. But she was like sitting right there.

And I was too nervous to say, oh, yeah, actually, she's just been listening to the conversation this whole time. Patty, you didn't do anything wrong. It would have been weird at the end of the call to say she was in and the wife. Then we would ask too many questions. We would get derailed. I think you did everything right. I question to you, Eva.

Just because I remember now the whole Ukraine angle. And I get it. if they don't have money, they dealt with a lot of stuff. I understand. I've got empathy for them. Why did they do two mats? Yeah. Hold on.

This is what the call was about. We're not saying you don't like their mat. Throw wine on it. They covered your mat. Well, no, listen, listen. So it's all kind of worked out. So I'll let Eva explain. But like we sent him a picture that like we, yeah, Eva,

you can explain for me. Yeah, basically, you know, I was on that level of like, oh, I have so much compassion. I don't want to do that. And then I think the more I dwell on it, I was like, actually, I freaking love my ma. I freaking hate theirs. And I'm just going to take it off. And I just grew a pair of balls and I just took it off. Took their mat off of your mat.

By the way, that is, that's the real move. Now, when people call us, a lot of people will email and go like, Why didn't you just say the basic thing? Because the basic thing is something you can do on your own. Yeah. So you just said, fuck it, I'm ripping the Band-Aid off.

What happened? Yeah. Well, it was actually so fun. I mean, I was nervous. I came home every day, like,

waiting for the matty moves back on top of mine. Because I think there was one stage where I did, like before Patti called in, where I kind of almost tried to be brave and lose it. But then it was come back. So then I was like, oh, gosh, message received. Don't do that.

Yeah. Well, I'm pretty sure it was like bad weather. And so then like whenever you go into like, yeah, the main entrance of that, the like porch, I just decided to move the second ugly math there. So that unveiled my math. Oh, this. Okay. Hold on.

This was one of the pitches. It's a lot of math. No, but this was one of the pictures. This was, I remember one of the pitches. Because when you walk in, there's is uniform on one side. You walk in, you do your things on their kind of 70s, then you go inside of theirs or you walk to yours. I think this is totally, it's a lot of math, but you're coming from.

It's a lot of mats, it's a small space. But can we also talk about the absurdity of them thinking that the mat that they put over your other mat is anything? They said like similar design. Right. Wasn't that like their, wasn't their justification? Yeah, couldn't look more different. So different. And so, okay, so you did this.

and then what happened? I don't think really anything. I mean, I kept, like, so we rolled then that front mat isn't always out. Like, she sometimes rolls that extra mat up whenever it's not raining, which actually isn't that common in Ireland. But so since then, she has since just rolled it up and it stays in a corner when it's not needed. And it's put out again when it is.

I was sad. I want you guys to know. I was really excited to do the whole line crime. Yeah. I was like, Eva, don't move it yet. I'm so, I want to do this. I want to smash a model. Patty, I know you did, baby.

But here's the truth. Here's the truth, Patty. We're just looking for a win and we got a win. I know. I think we got a bell ring. Me too. 100%. I agree.

So sometimes we run a mile to go a block. That's something we say. But this is a win. Eva, are you happy with the solution? I am. Are you glad that Patty called the show? I am so good. This is the other thing that I'd say, and maybe this is where, you know, we can leave it in this spot. Listen, other problems in your lives are going to emerge. And we've now established a really solid line of communication. Do not be afraid to come back to us. Either one of you, with any of your small problems, we don't mind pitching, trying to solve. Because, you know, Patty's got something on his bucket list. He wants to take some of the crazy advice from this show. Eva, you're now a friend of the show. You know, don't be a friend of the show. You know, don't be a friend.

tried to call back in. There's no problem too small for us to pitch way big. I think that's exactly right. And Ava, before we go, would you give your honest thoughts to Jenny Slate saying, don't tell your wife? Your thoughts, a little message to Jenny Slate from you? No, I can't be mad at her because I find that she's in the Lorax, and I freaking love that movie. But my advice would be, just don't mess with an Irish lady. Don't tell an Irish lady's husband and I'll tell her something because she will find out and she will find you. Okay, that's a crazy end, by the way. Thank you.

That ending got real dark. Jenny was in the Lorax. I mean, it really shows you the power of celebrity. She said, don't tell your wife any of this, but because she's in the laurax, things are okay. Yeah, right. Yeah, there's mercy. Patty, Ava, thank you for the call.

This is a good solution. This is a win. We rang the bell. Patty, we appreciate you. We appreciate you. Excellent. Thank you so much, guys. All right, guys.

Thank you, guys. All right, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. This is the UK or English or Irish goodbye, where you say goodbye 30 more times than you need to. Like when I get off the phone with my mother,

I should be like, goodbye, all right, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please, email is your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler.

The song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelicki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, who stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a headgum podcast. That was a headgum podcast. Hey, I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I have a new podcast on HeadGum called Next We Have. Now, this show is for people with short attention spans, which is everyone.

I mean, you're probably trying to skip this ad right now, But don't, because you now legally have to listen to the show. That's how law works. Next we have is very simple. Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge, Yelp reviews for callers who had bad experiences with a business. The Do Boys play a game called Meal or No Meal. And Steph Tolliv and I go head to head on a thought-provoking game called Guess That Sound.

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