We're Here to Help - 265: A Noticeable Boner & Accordion Mistress (with Michael Angarano)

Episode Date: February 25, 2026

Guest Helper Michael Angarano helps Jake and Gareth conceal a caller's inconvenient erection. Then, they hatch a polka surprise.Check out Michael now starring in Devil In Disguise on Peacock.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This episode is sponsored by the great Squarespace. We love Squarespace here at the show. We are constantly using Squarespace to build different websites for the show that support the show, that support or corroborate some of the show's BS. Again, we've never promised we're very good at giving advice, but Squarespace helps corroborate what we're going for. We have a new website that's not for us. It's for hot takes. Some members of the community have written in. We've been on an email chain and they wanted to start a website.

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And we are back with a new episode, Gareth and I, and very special guest, a guy who I did a movie with in, do you remember what year, Michael? Like 2009? 2011? Directed by the great Max Winkler,

called Ceremony, if you. you haven't seen it, I think you should go see it. Michael crushes it as the lead of that one. Michael used to come to my house in Atwater, drive in a Cadillac, and we would rehearse. The caddy days. I remember that fucking, that was great to see a young actor.

I was like, Gareth, when he first came over, it was the... It's 20 years old. A kid. Yeah. He's like, oh, this actor's going to come in, you guys are going to work a little bit. And Winkler's like, he's a great actor. He's like, I can't wait to meet him.

a fucking beautiful Cadillac ball. I was like, oh, I like this man a lot. This man and I are going to be friends. Not many people drive a Cadillac who are under the eight. Not many people in general, but especially under the age of like 45. No. And then we were on, we didn't get to work together for a while. And then we did minks together, which is now on Netflix.

And then, Michael, what was the story you told me the more power of Michael? More power. That was... That was... I did a movie... Because I, by the way, I say it all the time, but I'm just by myself. If I'm lifting weight to something, I'm like, Jesus Christ, more power, Michael. So I did a movie called The Forbidding Kingdom with Jackie Chan and Jet Lee.

and it was the first What? It's just crazy. You worked with Jackie Chan. And Jelly. The only time, the first and only time they've ever worked together. So it was a big deal. It was, we shot the film in China over six months.

I was in China for a hundred some odd days where I learned Kung Fu. Master Wu Ping, who directed, you know, all the, so many, famous martial arts movies from the, you know, 70s and 80s, and, you know, choreographed The Matrix and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. You know, this master choreographer, he was also the fight choreographer on the film. So it was like the three-headed dragon of all of these guys. And I have to learn Kung Fu in the movie. And they, unlike, you know, Keanu Reeves and Lawrence Fishburn, who had like months and months of training, I had two weeks. So I was like this little Italian kid

19 years old out in China with my cousin Joe handing me like apples and gatorade off to the side. I was just like really just struggling hard and I would work I would train for eight hours a day and sometimes I would just like

they would give me these things to do and eventually they were like my go good yeah look look good look good, more power. More power. And I'm like, man, Jackie, I'm struggling, man. I can barely get to here.

Like, I don't, what do you mean? Like, more power, ha! And one time, one time, they told me this was true. Wu Ping, who barely spoke English. But they had to, like, strangle me in the movie. And there was no, like, trick to it. They really put a rope around my neck. somebody put their foot on my back and was like, you know, choking me.

And he comes up to me, Wu Ping, and he just goes, Michael, you're a-bye, and then he goes, almost died. Oh, my God. And, you know, it was real. Oh, my God. I was getting, like, choked out on camera. Almost die as a direction. You know, it is the worst direction you could ever get as an actor.

It sounds like a John Wayne Gasey trick. Exactly. Yes, that's what it sounds like. You're going to almost, I'm going to put this around your neck. I'm a chuggy. You're almost going to die. But it's for a movie in China. Yeah.

And then you go, you're just murdering me. That is crazy. Wow. And what was Jackie Chan like on set? What's his vibe? Really, really charming. Like, the easiest guy to talk to and hang out with. Very funny.

always traveled with like a posse, like a huge amount of people, like, you know, dozens of people following him around. And, you know, always invited me out to dinner with his whole crew, with his whole posse. Of course.

I had nothing to do. Of course I would go. Oh my God. So you traveled around and hung in China with Jackie Chan and his crew? Whole crew for months. Jesus, Michael. And like, you know, when,

when we, filming. And so when we went through these airports, you always knew Jackie was coming because it was literally like the Beatles. It was like a crowd of hundreds of people surrounding him, recognizing him. Incredible. And following him through this airport.

And then you would look to the you know, to the left and like Jet Lee is there with his sunglasses and hat and like one other guy he's with. He must have loved traveling with her. Very, very different, humble Jackie once told me in it. I think it would be nice for Judd. He's like,

Yeah. He's like, great. He goes, he's probably shoplifting. He's like, this is awesome. I can kind of do whatever. I can just relax. Do whatever. Hey, guys, can you believe there's Jackie Chan?

Yeah, yeah. There was, um, go get a photo with him. There was, you know, there was just so many. There was, it was just crazy, man. It was just so crazy. Oh, Jackie told me this once. He was like, yeah, no, I have to go to Hong Kong this weekend. He was always, like, we were shooting these crazy days.

16-hour days, like doing, you know, out in the 100-degree weather, just like shooting these fight scenes, and it was like really hard. It was physically crazy. And he would be traveling to, like, Paris the next day over the weekend, coming back. And, like, one day he told me he was doing the commercial in Hong Kong. And I was like, man, why? He's like, one day you're filming.

Do you know how much they pay me? I was like, I don't know. How much? $10 million. Dona. Jesus Christ. Shampoo. And I was like, great.

You know, I guess I would go to Hong Kong. Yeah, I mean, yeah. So the fuck would I. That's the right number. Come back. That's the right now. Yeah. I'd go lower, but I wouldn't push for it.

I would go significantly lower. A lot lower. You know what they're paying me? $280 bucks. Free shampoo. Two free bottles. Free flight. Free flight.

I can upgrade on my own, but they're getting me there. They're going to be there. Michael, thank you for doing this. Let's have some fun. Let's take some calls. This episode of the podcast has been brought to you by Dell. Have you been waiting for the perfect time to upgrade your tech? Good news, the wait is over.

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miss. Visit dell.com slash deals. That's dell.com slash deals. This episode is brought to you by the great Walden University. You guys know a lot, Walden University. For over 50 years, Walden University has helped working adults turn ambition into action through flexible distance learning. Today, our mission is simple. provide access to education for professionals ready to level up and create real change. Walden is where the students go to get the W, those big and small wins that help move forward and create the change that they want to see in their lives, careers, and communities with 100-plus degrees and certificates. It's never been easier for students to find a program that matches their goals with graduate

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sometimes. But other times people will use Squarespace, you know, for trying to build up their business online. I was working with someone who we were going to start a whole ear business and it completely fell apart. But we were going to use Squarespace because there's no other place to go. It's an all-in-one website, that is designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place, from consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your

business. Get paid on time with professional, on-brand invoices, and online payments. Plus, streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. So go to Squarespace. for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hello. Hey, fellas.

Hey, how are you? Can we get your name, please? Yeah, my name's Greg. Greg. I'm 32. 33. And I'm from banking. All right, Greg. You've worked this all out ahead of time with yourself.

haven't you? So why don't you tell us what's going on? Yeah. Well, so I get very, very tired at work to the point where I'm like falling asleep at my desk. You're like physically can't keep my eyes open. Last for about 20 minutes. I've been to the doctor. I've gotten tests and shit and they can't figure it out.

Are you following us like right now, Greg? You sound a little. By the way, fair question. Is that a little? Is that a little tired, to be honest? Greg, are you getting sleepy now? It's like you're yawning through the sentence. Yeah, you don't have to do this, Craig.

I mean, this did happen to me earlier this morning. Okay. You sound like you're just... Yeah. He's a sleepy guy. The problem comes. Well, yeah, but that's actually not the issue. Okay.

The issue is that every single time this happens, I become fully erect. Just so much Wait Yeah Oh darn killer You pass out at work and get rock hard I've looked it up It's actually scientific

It happens It's like what morning wood comes from But like you have to be really really tired Interesting What do you do? So I'm working in an office I'm glad you didn't say a preschool I was going to say, cut the call, Natalie.

I'm the judge. Yeah, I guess. I work in a doggy daycare, cut the call. I work in a small office with six people, so people just all around me, like write a foot away from me. This is a nightmare. Yeah. It really is not fun. No, this is really embarrassing, okay?

Yeah. Obviously, nobody has. Dan, I think, I hope. Also, I should mention this is nothing sexual. It's the last thing on my mind. It's just, it's just... It's just...

Greg, Greg, it's something sexual. Well, but Jake... Jake. Something sexual. Jake. Something's going on. We know that... But sometimes that thing is doing...

It's on its own mission that is detached completely from whatever your mission is. I agree. But to say it's not... Nothing sexual feels like a bit. Yeah, I get it. But like when you wake up, like you say,

I'm pouring through the idea of a nap. When you wake up in the morning, you're like, what's your deal, dude? You know, what are you, you know, your penis is on its own little tick. Okay, anyway, keep going, Greg. So, yeah, as I said, very close quarter. So I can't really adjust because it's kind of obvious. And I really want in these moments to get up and take a walk,

myself up. But I always can't do that. Yeah. So I guess my question for you is I can't help with the, this falling asleep part and the boner thing is just science. So how do I conceal my, my, my, my, my, my, my boners from my coworkers. Feels like that should be on a coffee mug somewhere. How do I answer on my phone from my coworkers?

Maybe I will say. Being honest. No, we're not going on. By the way, that would not work. If I work next to somebody and they go, I'm sorry, I fall asleep and take naps and I'm not going to talk about that. I'm going to act like that's not weird. And I get a big boner when I'm doing it, but it is not sexual. So when I stand up to wake up, you're going to see a big old boner.

I'm not going like, thank you for being honest, Greg. I'm going to like, first problem, why you've always got to just eliminate honesty. Yeah, I agree. I don't think there's a win here with honesty. I'm going to take a woodwalk, everybody. Yeah. No, shit, it happened again. Well, let me...

Why do we pretend that, first of all, it's normal to fall asleep at work? It's great that you've carved that out for yourself. Agreed, but that's not... Just to be able to be like, I pass out at work. It's great. If anything, the takeaway from this should be, more people should be like, I have this thing. Yes.

I need a 20 minute now. What is it that you... Yeah. Because the one way to solve... it is let's not sleep at work. Yeah, I can't help it. It's not like I choose to fall asleep at my desk. I mean,

go ahead, Monty. You're not having accountability for that. This is a problem that's not confined to the workspace. So you get so tired. You need a nap. Road trips and stuff. If I'm driving for a long time, got to pull over.

Wow. Obviously, that gets spooky. Yeah. Well, so even if you sleep a full night, and what do the doctors say there? Yeah. They said, I don't know. They didn't really say anything. I got my blood test and I got a test. No, underlying.

And they said nothing came up. Hey, look, work is cool. I love that he went to the doctor and what they say. I don't know. Nothing. They said nothing came up. And that was it. Okay.

So you don't have a medical issue, but you do. You have carved out this situation where your work will let you nap for 20 minutes, and I think that's great. So we're trying to preserve that. I never said, oh, no, did I say that? I do not mean to say that. I'm trying to fight to stay awake at my desk. I got you.

Yeah, but you do fall asleep every day. It's not every day. It happens like two days. Yeah, but what he's saying is it's not like the boss's, like, that's just something that's happening to him. He doesn't know why. He doesn't care about us. There's a different bra. Yeah, it's a different bra.

There's no dialogue with the boss about like, hey, this is happening. Yeah. So we are just accepting. Greg is a sleepy good. Yeah. So let's move past that because guess what? We can't either. We're not doctors.

Let me ask you. You get boners is fine too. Ask one question. How often are you trying to relieve the problem outside of the office? Enough. Okay. Daily? On average, one today.

Okay. That's enough, Gary. Plenty. Not every day, but yeah. I got you. But you masturbate plenty. Yeah. Can I ask a question?

Are you, is this problem, you said you're falling asleep, but are you falling asleep and waking up erect in other circumstances? Or is that only, you know what I'm saying? Like, when you fall asleep on the long drive, are you waking up? With a boner. With a boner. Yeah. It's just this one specific. feeling of where I can't, I can't help but close my eyes.

And I get it, yeah, happens every time. Okay. I got a pitch. I do, too. I think what I like about you, Greg, is you got some stuff cooking that you just lean into an accept. They're going to pass out. You're going to be safe about it.

You're going to pull over. You're also, Dick's going to get rock hard, and that's just the reality of it. So the question you asked us that we're going to pitch on is, how do I conceal it? you got to preemptively move that dick in a position assuming it's going to get hard. So tuck your dick into the top of your pants before you go to bed. Was it the same pitch? Yes. Tuck, tuck.

You got to tuck. So while you're sleeping, it's like it's already going into the glove. It comes undone. You know, it's like... What comes undone? Yeah. He tries to tuck in of the link noodle. Yeah, I understand.

I don't. Yeah. I'm not always hard, so it, you know, it can fall out of the, it can fall out of the way then. It can. Go back to normal. What about like a loose shirt, like an untucked shirt? Oh. Locy shirt. Hmm.

Okay. Just an extra long shirt. That's good. That's a good zone. It's basically, this pitch would be called the night shirt. That you have a shirt and when you nap, you untuck, knowing if you have to stand up, the night shirt. kind of goes to the top of the thighs.

But another pitch in the zone of the night shirt, what about excessively tight underpants? It's a good pitch. Could be a twofer. I also have, I think, something similar to my first idea, my first thought. You know, I don't know what you're, presumably, you're in Vancouver, you said,

gets a little chilly. You have a sweater that you take off over your button down. and you know, you don't, you don't throw it on the back of your chair. It's on your lap. It's on your lap. It's on your shoulder. It's on your lap. You almost use it as like a makeshift kind of, you know.

Ooh, I got an idea going off of that. How about this, Greg? Become a fanny pack guy. That's good, too. And it's one hand is reaching into the fanny pack. The other is going underneath. and adjusting. All people are seeing is this.

People are going to think he's packed jacking. Well, I got to have some tapstick in there. I got to bring something out. You're searching. Or what you could also do, I think we're going on to something with the cover of the scene of the crime here. What you could also do is just always have like,

like have a snack in front of you and just have a napkin that you've always kind of laid on your lap. So that it's like, if anyone came over, they'd be like, oh, he just ate. So he's got a, you know, a lap napkin. I like that. I want to pitch something a little bit different.

I think my co-workers would probably be like, why are you doing this all of a sudden every day? Let me put me pitch in a sudden. Garrett, I get Garrett. Are you eating? It's narcolectic. Garrett, we're in Greg's world. You're right.

Go ahead, Jake. Cook. We're in Gags world. So what about this? Here's a thought. You're not going to like it at first, and it's going to seem like a joke, but it's not one. What about?

When you're starting to fall asleep and you know what's happened, you take one of those packs that you can break and they get really cold. Put it in your pants. So you're falling asleep, ice out your dick. If that pack is on your balls, when the blood starts to flow and you get in that R.E.M. sleep and he's trying to relax. He's been out for two hours. But like, it's got to be deep sleep.

Yeah. So all of a sudden, I think he's, I think he's, I think he's getting deep sleep fast and his body's going like, let's just move all the blood around and relax. Well, all of a sudden, if there's a chill in those nuts, I think you're a guy who gets into deep sleep fast. So let's create a cold barrier of the nuts. That is actually an interesting idea.

So it's an ice pack that you snap and it becomes cold. You punch it. Yeah. You punch it. Yeah. And it, so it's like you don't have to have to have a freezer. with you, you just go like, Jesus Christ, I'm getting tired. Punch!

Then all the little things start going. Yeah. Move around a little bit. Go to the bathroom. Cup it all around your stuff. Let those eyes close and just see if it's a little bit cold, if it gets less hard. If it gets, hmm. Yeah.

Okay. Wouldn't my coworkers see me put it into my pants? Don't they see you sitting there asleep with a big dick? Right? When you're in hell, you've got to figure out how to get out of the fire sometimes, yeah? Maybe we just have him where what Eric were. I truly have no idea what to do. Yeah, I get me.

It's a tough one. Yeah, so you're dealing with, you know, my first suggestion would be, you know, you feel yourself going to sleep. You get up and you go for a walk. You just stave off the sleep, but that seems to be off the table. It's not going to happen. He's not going to keep. He's going to fall asleep. It's not fully off the table.

I could, I think I could feel like, I feel like I feel like I could probably, I don't know. It's happened so many times that I'm just like, I feel like. How many times? I don't know. That's a good idea, though. But I also then, you know, if that, then you're, then you're to concealment or deterrence. Concealment or deterrence.

Jake's idea is deterrence. Or concealment. Because the other thing that I'm thinking, Greg, is you could literally get like a very, and you're not going to like this. But then when it's, here's what I'm going to tell you right now about these pitches. You're not going to love any of these. So this is not going to be a pitch where you're like, awesome. I just eat a euro and then my dick doesn't get hard while I fall asleep at work.

Try it. It's not going to work that way. So what I'm kind of saying is what if we got a women's medium girdle that you put on and it is so tight from knees to hips that you're like, ah, it's uncomfortable. Well, that's the price you have to pay if you're falling asleep. at work and you don't want to get a big boner, that there's no place for that guy to go. Right.

There is something to real constriction that I think will limit that. They do this on sets. They'll have like, you can put your dick in a little like weird sock. Yeah. And they can basically go like, you know, there's ways to go like, this is weird. You know, you know, to that point, too, if you don't want to do full girdle, but it's to Jake's point from before, it's like you do

two pairs of underwear. You do one really tidy, whitey, tight pair, and then you do your conventional pair, whatever. It's like you're talking about constriction. Or you just do, you just do a sock or two. You just take like some of the, like a couple

smaller socks and you just wrap it in it. If you go to the bathroom when you're getting dozy, wrap it up real quick, then you got your nap socks. My nap sucks. You know what you could also do, Greg? Great. Here's another zone.

I guarantee if you wear an athletic cup. Oh, my God. The kind of wear in sports and you get one of those old school ones. A work cup is pretty good. A work. But you make sure it's tight enough that it's not moving. A jockstrap. A jockstrap that is so snug in the back, it doesn't move.

when the blood starts going there, there's nowhere to go. You can't get caught. He's not getting out of there either. No. No. Nothing's getting out. You've got a barrier.

It's built to protect it so it doesn't get need or kicked. So if you're getting out of that, I don't know what to tell you. But let's get you in a athletic cup that's like MMA level. Right. Have you ever seen? He's got an MMA if I get a bonus?

I mean, I'm not that impressive, but I... Yes, you have actually. Jake in his garage. Yeah, Jake, the dummy in your garage. When you wrestle it, sometimes you said it would get very erotic back there. Well, like, when you watch wrestling, you know, the guy, like... Go on, Michael. You're saying this like it's a fact.

I forgot what I was going to say. I forgot what I was... No, you did it. Yeah, it felt you remembered... Okay. You remembered we were recording. Yeah, and I saw the look on your face, the split second once I started, like... Michael, good on you for recognizing that face and stopping

because the amount of times I see that and go, I'll just finish the thought. But hold on, Michael, hold on. Let him go. You've seen wrestlers have boners? Jake, let him live. Don't act like I'm the crazy one because I'm acknowledging that wrestlers get boners

when they wrestle each other. Which ones, Michael? Not like professional wrestlers. I'm talking like, you know. You and your friends. friends wrestling? No. You may be like,

I never said that. High school wrestling? But who, Michael, you're acting like this is well known. Are you talking about like college guys of college wrestling? Okay. It's friction.

Well, now, now hold on, Jake. This is not. As we're saying, the thing has a mind of its own. So sometimes right, there's nothing to judge.

Like some, I'm not even going to say what I was going to say. How about that? Michael, you got to be on your own here. I'm about to get your back, but Jacob Carterman.

But hold on, but just for real. We could go on YouTube right now and Google college wrestling boners. I don't think you're getting any videos. How much you want to bet? Dinner. All right. I'll fully take you up on that.

Can we say this? Will you Google that really fast? Can we say this too? Can I add a bit to the dinner bet? Yeah. Whoever ends up having to pay has to tell the server why they're paying. Deal.

Great. If you said it has to wear a cup, I was going to say no, that's a great. I had to pay because I didn't think there was going to be wrestlers boners and Mike would have to say because I thought there would be. Yes. Okay. Now, we have to actually

be fair when we see this video. We both know what we're saying. So it is just in the title and there's some weird thing. It's actual competitive wrestling that one of the members has such a big boner that it's noticeable. A noticeable boner.

Not a noticeable boner. I think this is like an easy dinner. I really do. I feel like it's an easy dinner for me. I will say, Greg, I think Cup is really good. I also still really do like the sweater drape. I think that's a very easy one for you to get away with. As Michael said, you're there.

It's not weird to bring a jacket or a sweater to work. You know, you could even do the tie. around the waist look for sometimes just to sort of set up this is a thing you do sometimes. Right. And then I think, and then it's not crazy to have it just draped there.

And then when it's time for your walk and you got the full mast, that's when you employ the tuck. The tuck can be used there, no problem. I think this is right. Yes, yeah, yeah. I'm supposed to be Googling wrestling bonuses? Yes, Natalie.

Just Google wrestling bonuses. You say that in an angry tone. Furious. Reminds me of just what life is about. We're supposed to be Googling wrestling boners. Yeah, it's called the show. I mean, Wrestler boners.

This is what I mean. Will you click on one, Natalie? Greg, we're solving a different problem. Can you just sit tight for a second, pal? The only way you know how to sit? And obviously this will be on our website And we'll post this on Instagram with no context I mean

Which one would you like to view? How about the first one that says wrestling boner 1.7 million views from 50 years ago All right here we go Okay two guys are wrestling They're college wrestling There's no sound of this anyway Doesn't need to be

The guy on top's blacks Dominating the guy on purple I'm not seeing a noticeable boner Not yet But their genitals aren't It also does feel like college level. I agree. It feels collegiate.

Why is it so long? We can't watch this whole thing. No, I just, in a video. I just fast. I made it to at speed. Where exactly is this? Do you see any comments?

I'm sorry, but it's no wonder he has a boner. They've been, you know, grinding and a lot of friction. At this speed, too. But how do you get one when you're in this much pain? I agree. As well as if you're not attracted to the other person. Oh, hold on.

Hold on. Is that it? I don't know. That looks like a cup to me. I don't think that was a boner, but I definitely... I see the beginnings. It's just a big package. I don't think it's a boner.

Here's what we got to do. Let's cut this off for a while. We can't do the whole show on this. Michael, we will finish our bed on a separate... We will both watch a couple of videos. From what we saw in the video, for anybody who's just driving in their car, the very normal morning for you, you're driving to work. We just watched a video, 220-year-old wrestling.

They looked exactly like the same guy, but purple. At one point, it was like a guy wrestling himself. Which is hot, by the way. Yeah. And he didn't have what looked like a boner, but yes, he had an impressive penis. A protrusion.

He had a great penis. It looked good. Someone should have draped a sweater over him while he was wrestling. Yeah. And Michael And Geron. I didn't actually find it. I don't know.

Yeah, let's have a list. Let's see it. Hang on. Oh, Jake. I have a feeling. It'll be a dinner on you. I do too. Well, there's just so many videos.

Yeah, there's a channel. There's a channel. Well, there's a channel. I didn't think there was going to be a channel. Oh, cricky. I think I saw it. Yeah. Okay, wait.

Can you go to regular speed, Natalie? Because we're about to hit the important part. Oh, yeah. Jake. Okay. He's got a poker. Fucking. Oh, man.

That is. He has a boner. And what happened to everybody listening is, you couldn't tell well, they were wrestling. but he did stand up at the end to kind of go back to his corner. And in his little leotard, there was a boner. Mike, I owe you a dinner and I will tell the whoever is serving us, the reason I'm paying tonight when the bill comes is because I didn't think

wrestlers got boners and they, in fact, sometimes do. They're human. I think it's more than sometimes. I think it's so, I think it's frequent. That's why I'm surprised you took the other end of that. Oh, we hit a double or nothing. Yeah, that's what, 90% of the time wrestlers are wrestling with boners, Mike? You're going to live in this zone?

Listen, if it's more than 50%, that's a decent amount. It's a lot. You think 50% of the time two men are wrestling, one has a boner, Michael? That's madness. I mean, I might start watching WWA. I bet you did. I never felt a boner, and I never got a boner. When I was doing jiu-jitsu, no boners.

There's a lot of friction. Well, I never felt, if I felt, Michael, if I was doing jihitsu and I felt a boner, cancel the match. I'm done. I'm literally going like this. Hey, hey, hey. Cut, cut. Hey, hey.

Almost like an assault charge. It doesn't matter. I tap. I'm going to tap and then he goes, want to run again? I go, no, sir, you have a boner. I pass. You think 50% of the time people wrestle, they get boners, Mike? I don't know about 50, but I mean...

You're just a walking boner, aren't you? Did you have a boner in this whole Zoom? There's friction. You've been moving around. You have a full boner, Michael? I just have a sweater covering my lap. I think we realize you get way more boners than me. Greg, we've gone down a strange path here.

We've given you a lot of pitches. What are you thinking you're going to do about this? these boners? I mean, probably the most effective would be the cup, but the most feasible is the sweater.

Okay. Start with sweater. Probably going to go with the sweater. You have cup in the back pocket. Yeah. If the sweater

doesn't work, I'll have to forego some comfortable you know what I'd actually like you to do, Greg, if you don't mind.

We've spent a long time on this call with you, right? We're going to it, we're doing all this stuff. Is there any chance you could try the cup first? Because here's why. The sweater is a solution.

You know, you can still kind of say a boner on the sweatshirt, but I'm really curious if the cup will fix it. Okay. Yeah. I'll give it a shot. Thank you, buddy. Will you wear it? And then the next time you take a nap and wake up with that cup,

will you call us? back? Yeah. Let us know if you get one and if you do if it's visible. And what happened? Could you get a boner

with the cup and then go like I'm going to do the stand-up that I want to do and walk around to wake up and it's fine because my boner is covered by this cup. Yeah.

I'll do that. You're a man of science now? So experiment a little bit. It's for research. This is all now for research. Okay. Thanks, my friend. I'll go up with us as soon as you do it.

Good luck. But Greg, make sure it's a really tight-fitting cup. Yeah. All right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, no. I'm going to make sure it's the right one. That's awesome, dude.

That's awesome, dude. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Wayfair. The new year is here. Get back into an at-home routine. You love and elevate. your space with Wayfair from bedding and mattresses to storage solutions for every home in the house. Wayfair is your one. Stop, shop. Refresh your living room with accent pillows, mirrors, info plants for way less. When my mother comes over, she always is going, oh, you need one of these,

you need one of those, you know? So I used Wayfair to get some like end tables for lamps. I guess you would call it home decor. I'm not doing an all-around refresh, but that's up to you if you'd like to do that. But they offer a time. of stuff at Wayfair. It's very easy to shop there. You really get a sense of what it is, what it'll look like, its size, all those things. And really, they have everything. I could not believe the amount of stuff that they had on there. Everything. Literally everything. So get organized, refreshed, and back on track this year for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's Wayfair.

W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. I will tell you, I got a massage by a guy before. There was, now I know feeling on my body, I got no release from the massage. The whole time I was like, this is a nightmare. I could hear him breathing. Yeah.

And he'd be like, he'd go like, oh. And I was like, hate this. Yeah, it's a different vibe. I'd pay for this to stop. It's a different vibe. Can we get your name, please? Yes, this is... I heard of call.

I already was there. This is great. Yep. Ready to go. How are you? Congrats on your massage boners, guys. Anyway, my name's Dan. Sorry.

Sorry, you had to hear all that. That was processing the previous call, my guy. Where are you calling from? Oh, my God. Calling from, let's say, coastal Virginia. Virginia. Actually, I got a question for you, Greg. Sure.

Do you think... Is your name Greg? Yeah. Oh, do you think Greg, Greg, real honest question. Do you think two straight men wrestling

do you think more than 50% of the time or less than 50% of the time one of them gets a boner? I think it would depend on where their hands going. They're wrestling. It's like a full

collegiate Oklahoma versus Iowa. Did you say hands over? I, man, that's a great good. Don't they wear cups? So how would you, how would you know? It's okay. Buddy, you just. Hey, buddy, thank you.

Greg. You could have saved us a half hour. What a great comment you just made. When you heard the episode, it'll all make perfect sense. You're here with me and Gareth and a dear friend and a great actor who's with me, on minks coming to Netflix as well as say the name of the show again Michael devil in disguise

on peacock right now the great Michael Angorado how are you Greg nice hello I'm doing well how are you good man good so Greg take over what's the problem what can we do for you today

yeah thanks so I really want to get I really want to buy an accordion okay the only hang up is that well I'm you know

very typical thing it's more it's not weird it's just more with this show every call is so different it's just great it's a great

it's a great just going from all the boners and the wrestling to the accordion was such a 180 for my brain I really want to buy an accordion really want to buy an accordion but what about your boners

the boner when I'm wrestling there you are a can Okay, so you really want to buy an accordion? Yeah, so I want to buy one, right? And it's not a money issue. It's strictly my wife, you know, classic does not want to. Classic everyone else. Allow me to buy one, right?

Yeah, you know, just like everybody else trying to buy an accordion out there. My wife doesn't want it. She says, in her words, I'm already pretty loud and annoying as it is. I think we all get that about ourselves. as well can fully relate. Right. Right. So, but yeah, that's kind of the crux of it. I'm a, I'm a huge weird owl fan. I have been my whole life. And on top of that, I like my family a long time ago comes from Germany. We went to Bavaria a couple years ago and we were able to see a polka band, you know, and everything. And I was like, oh, I got to get one of these. But again,

And my wife is vehement that I not get one. So the specific, first of all, great setup. The specific question is what? How we help convince your wife? Right. How do we, how do we, I would never say trick, of course. But how do we convince my wife that I, A, won't be a loud, annoying, can I say asshole?

Sure. Sure. You'll figure it out. Anyway, yeah. You know that this call started with us asking you if you knew wrestlers could get boners, right? That's very true. You could say asshole. I think you can say boners, though, on TV, right? I don't know.

It means there was a character named Boner. Do you... That's true. Do you know how to play the piano or the accordion, or... So I actually... When I was a kid, I learned a piano, you know, had to take lessons, played a little trumpet in high school, and then... Greg.

Yes. As far as the applicable skill set to an accordion, are you bringing anything to the... Because I think there's a difference between I want to transition my skills to an accordion where it'll be you can hear music right away versus my husband wants to learn how to play the accordion. To me, they're different. I think that is true, by the way.

So I do also own a mandolin. And with the, you know, I bought it with the idea that I would learn to play it. And I never really learned how to play it. And so what I think, right, the problem is that stringed instruments aren't for me, but maybe things with buttons, you know, might be more my speed. All right, I got a question for you. Yeah. Do you have a zone where you could be practicing this thing away from her?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we have a detached garage as well as like a guest room that's like kind of off the side of the house. This is a garage. But and, yeah, but and financially. Are you guys in a situation? I have no idea how much an accordion cost. But is this an individual decision, or do you guys have to discuss a purchase like this? Or can you go get an accordion?

It's not a big deal. Yeah. I mean, to buy like a good one, I'm looking at like the $6 to $800 range. Which, like, could I, like, just go out and buy it? Yes. Something of that. Well, you already bought a mandolin and never did anything with it. Well, true, but the mandolin was only like $200.

bucks. Sell it. Okay. You can sell the man. That's a good question. But is it, but it might not be about money, guys. Money might not be the issue. So.

Because here's what I'm looking. Play a small part in the, in the argument against this is one of your impulse buys, Greg. Like we already have my gildedlant here. Yeah. But Greg, here's the, here's the, I'm pitching. Sure. I'm going, I'm going in a slightly different direction of the negotiation, the money. I sold $800 worth.

At the end, she's going to go. I didn't say don't get it because you're bad with money. I said don't get it because you're loud and annoying. Yeah, bingo. I think we live in the world where you have an affair with an accordion. Oh, my God. It's being presented to the point at a certain point, you're trying to have your mistress and your wife have a three-way.

So you are building to basically eight months away. you're going to put on a show for her that is a total surprise. Wow. It's going to be all songs for her, and she's going to go, what the hell, like for your next anniversary, you secretly get an accordion, you get it in a place where she doesn't see it,

you learn and practice the accordion, and then you play her a love song under a spotlight. Okay. Yeah, I mean, that's actually pretty interesting. Because I do have like, like my, I work in an office and I do have like an hour lunch break every day. This is exactly right.

Go ahead. That's all you need. Yeah. This is exactly. It's a work accordion. Yeah. Yeah. The only thing is like where would I keep it?

I don't know if I can keep it at my desk. In your car, car. How big is the accordion? Yeah, but big. I mean, it's like a suitcase size. Yeah, I think it's one of these. Dude, you carry it around the trunk like a ventriloquist. Yeah.

And you practice outside or you practice in your car. Oh, yeah. This is not a bad idea. I like it. I want this thing to be your little secret thing. Right. Yeah. Don't even involve her in this.

Drop it. Never bring it up ever again. But it doesn't. doesn't even affect her life. It doesn't come home. Exactly. She never sees it. She doesn't have to hear about you going, oh, I just figured something out with my accordion.

I think it's partly, I think partly for her, she's like, yuck. Like, that's how my wife feels about video games. If I was like, she said to me when we started dating, if I ever come home and you're, like, sitting on the ground playing a first shooter video game. Sitting on the ground. She's like, I don't know if I could. You know, like, the guy sitting there being like, she's like, I just don't think I could ever, like, have something. with you again. She's like, there's something about these men doing this. It's just not for me. I think partly she's like, I just don't want to see my husband or be a dinner and have him go like,

you go like, hey, honey, how was it work? Good. How about you? Good. I've been practicing my accordion. I just don't think she wants that life. I, uh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, that's fair. I like it. My picture's going to be before that, which is just kind of a version of this. If, are you kind of a hobby guy, Greg? Does it feels like maybe you get involved and then I don't follow. I, follow through maybe? Yes, and I think that's part of what also adds to the frustration from my wife. So if you wanted to do the above-board version, the above-board version could be, it's very similar to what Jake Pitch, but you say to her, look, I'm going to get the accordion,

I'm going to practice when I can in the garage, way away from you, and in six months, I'm going to audition for you. and if you don't like where I'm at with this skill, I love this. You can nix it. And if you think I'm actually on the path to something, maybe I can keep my hobby going. That's actually really good.

Yeah. That's really good. Yeah, because then it puts, you know, there's a... It helps you on a timetable. Yeah. Yeah, and it forces me to actually, you know, focus for once on something. So, yeah.

Does your wife work, Greg? Yes, yeah. She's a paramedic. So she's probably their hours where she's not in the house. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She works like 24-hour shifts. Wow. That's your, that's accordion time. Yeah. Yeah. Just non-stop. A lot of practice.

Yeah. Yeah. But Greg, what I really love that Garrett said that I think is a big win. here because I think there's without talking to her there's probably some factors we're not seeing and part of it might be she doesn't like the accordion two you're picking up too many hobbies three she doesn't want a dusty old accordion in the house make it a make it a challenge and if in six months time you're not doing blank you sell the mandolin you sell the accordion you sell the blank there's a whole list of things so she goes great you know what if you do it great too

Do you, does she like the show the voice at all, Greg? Not, not really. It doesn't matter. I shouldn't say he doesn't like. She doesn't really watch it. Why don't we do it like the voice? She gets to turn around and decide if you're, if you're going ahead. Hey, Greg, why don't we do this?

Why don't we do this? It's October 24th right now, November, December, January, February, March, April 24th. Angarano, Gareth, myself. your wife will all be on a Zoom. You'll play a song. Our videos will be off. If we should, you're good, and you should keep going, we turn our video on.

You need three of the four. You need three of the four. If it's bad, you list it that day for sale. But I could, in theory, just learn, like, twinkle, twinkle, little star, right? You know, he's going to Hollywood with twinkle, twinkle, little star, right? You think Michael Boubley starting his chair around?

If I hear Twinkle, Tungle-Tuncle, I go. But I go, what's the point? This is. Yeah. Why are you getting an importantian to play Twinkle-Twinkel. Twinkle. I think you got it because you said you loved a weird owl. Yeah.

You loved something about polka music. Uh-huh. I don't want to hear fucking twinkle-twinkle. My screen stays well. Absolutely. I would also, Greg, if you're doing it, one of my suggestions, above board suggestions would be you get the thing. The rule is you never get to play it.

inside of your house. You get lessons. You go full board. You go and you get lessons. It's never played in your house. You learn it from a professional. Yeah, that's a good point. From what I've been reading, that's what a lot of people do is, you know, they don't, they don't just kind of wing it. We got some options. We can merge those too. You can go get lessons and at six months you can have the audition with us.

and if you pass, you get the accordion. Why don't we do that in three months? Because then you don't have to be great. Let's do three months of lessons that you don't tell even your wife about. Or you can, whatever you want to tell it. Jake is really into the idea of the discretion. Yeah.

Well, I want a surprise for her. What I'm looking for is all of a sudden she hears, wait, what are we doing? So there's this podcast. And then we play her, and what is this? Here's a while. And she goes, wait, You've been doing what?

Well, you know what we could do? I worried she'd think there'd be like an affair. But you don't have to tell her about this. You could just say you're going to get the accordion. I'm wanting to learn how to play an accordion. I don't think the chances of an affair are very high. All right. Fair.

Fair. But either way. I do her that I want to play an accordion. And I listen to weird out on the regular. Okay. I get it, Greg. You're hot to trot. I respect it.

Well, why don't we go with that? Why don't you go take the lessons at three months? You can borrow your instructor's accordion. You can even do it from there. Do a Zoom. The four of us are on. And if two or three of the four Zooms get turned on, you get to buy an accordion. And we will break it down to your wife, too, and we will have her on before that.

And we'll have a big chat with her. And we'll all get on the same page and say, let's make him earn this one because we're not having another mandolin situation. Yeah, and I would even, I will, I think I can add right to this, you know, maybe to the pot that I, because obviously I'm going to like have to tell her, hey, I'm going to take lessons or whatever. Yes. I think like I can probably sell the mandolin now, you know, to kind of show that like I'm willing to not. I love this. Now you're serious about the accordion.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I don't want to just like keep adding hobbies. Greg, I would do something. I would sell all the extra stuff you got. I think all your little hobby guys. You're letting her know this isn't what it used to be.

The samurai sword. All the stuff that's in the gun. Yeah, you're selling the samurai sword. Hey, Greg, we know you. We know. You're selling the bearded dragon tank. All these things. Greg, there's the samurai sword on the mantel behind him.

He looks up at it like, one last ride. Yeah. I'm not. He's like, In all fairness, it was a gift. I never bought it. Okay, good. To myself.

What we're suggesting is get rid of a bunch of the stuff you don't need. Yeah. Because what we're trying to prove to her with our version of this competition is this ain't the same old guy. This one means a lot to you. Yeah. Yeah, I think that could work. I think that's honestly what she probably needs to see. And maybe that is what she's thinking, right?

is this guy has too many hobbies. And honestly, Greg, it could be a good thing for you to see if you are serious about it. Maybe you get a month and a half in and you're like, you know what? This is true. This is not, this is not me. I'm not an accordion guy. But then if that's the case, come back on and you got to tell us. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. This is, I got to tell you, and I know it seems weird to say it because we're part of the pitch. This is a good solution. Yeah. Yeah. This helps show all the other shit. I wasn't sure how you guys were going to, you know, figure this out.

But that, I, you know, I think that's a pretty, pretty, you know, solid formula. Yeah. Let me ask you a quick question. You're going to talk to your wife about this soon? Or are you going to do more secretive? What's your play? I definitely am going to pitch that to her because I think she would be on board with that.

Okay. Yeah. I definitely think she'd be on board with that. What zone are you in? And I'm going to say this why. So we have a really strange reach on this show that we've found. We've got a lot of listeners in different places and the community is strong. There might be an accordion player near you who's willing to volunteer time.

So what's your zone? What's your, where are you kind of again? I felt like at the beginning of Virginia. Yeah. Yeah. So kind of like Virginia. Beach, Hampton Roads area.

So anything in that zone with, so it's not too long of a drive, if you're an accordion player and you have an accordion and you want to volunteer some lessons,

we'd love to have you on the show. We'd love to hear how it goes. We'd love to record some of the lessons. We'd love for them to be free. Patreon. Yeah, and we'll kind of see what happens. But Craig,

either way, follow up with us, please. Absolutely, yeah, definitely. No, this is great. This is good. I agree. This is what we do, buddy. Angerano? Thank you for doing the show, brother. Thank you, Michael. Please. Thank you, guys. This was nice. It's really fun.

All right, Greg. Bye. All right. Thank you. Yeah, this is perfect. Look forward to it. Okay. We're leaving, Greg. Thanks. Calls over. Okay, bye. Hey, guys. My name is Andrea. I'm a big friend of the show. I have been listening since early in season one.

I love the humor. I love the problems. I enjoy everything you do. But yet, there was one day when I didn't because I was wanting to scream to the top of my legs. My lungs, don't send people into holes, please. I just needed to tell you about this because it made me deeply worried and uncomfortable. best case you're going to win a Darwin's award, but worst case, you're really going to hurt somebody.

These holes are actually called confined spaces, and you can look them up in OSHA, OSHA, as confined spaces. The issue is in those holes, you may lack oxygen, you may have toxic fumes. If there's water, there may be vapors. So you don't know what's in them unless you can measure it, which in no means that wasn't the case for this call. And you might get really hurt.

And then usually people could faint and get hurt. And then the next person goes down to get them. And they also faint and get hurt because it's the same air that's a trap. And there's been plenty of sad incidents about this in farming, in industry. I work in an industry where we have history of these things. And I'm deeply aware. And it sounds like you're not. So please don't be sending people into holes.

They're confined spaces. They might hurt themselves. They might hurt other people around them. And just don't do that anymore. Thank you. Hi. I'm Swati from India. And I live in Copenhagen, Denmark right now.

I'm a student here, and I've been living here for about two and a half years now. I just wanted to send you a little. voice note expressing how much gratitude I have for Jake Garrett, the previous producers, the current producers, the callers, and everyone who makes this show so incredible. I started listening to the podcast about two years ago when I was just, after I just got kicked doubt of my place, of my old place, and I was just moving in and I was homeless for a little bit. So times were rough as far and I was jobless as well. And somehow I stumbled upon this thing and it's been a constant.

And did I get upset when you guys took a break? Yeah. But did I somehow manage by listening to Jake and Garrett? being on other podcasts, yes, absolutely yes. Yeah, it's just been such a constant. It has taken me through tough times, easy times, happy times, sad times, everything. I've lost a grandma. I've lost some friends.

I've gained many and through everything. Y'all have somehow managed to make me laugh, smile, giggle. yeah so amazing job i was just uh listening to the get in the hole and piano time is piano time episode and just how sweet um you all were to act villa group and uh just just how wonderful that call was reminded me of why i keep listening and uh how much i appreciate this part and that is all You have a great week. And yeah, hopefully, I'll be a call us home. Bye-bye.

We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod. At gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com. slash Here to Help Pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler.

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and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.