We're Here to Help - 269: This Sh*t Has Sailed & Ordered And Eaten (with Justin Long and Sal Vulcano)

Episode Date: March 11, 2026

Jake is joined by Justin Long and Impractical Jokers' Sal Vulcano for this special episode. First, the guys play Russian roulette with a pooping stall. Then, they give advice to a perfect 10 who is sick of being touched at work.Catch Sal on his standup tour, https://salvulcanocomedy.com/Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This episode is sponsored by the great Squarespace. We love Squarespace here at the show. We are constantly using Squarespace to build different websites for the show that support the show, that support or corroborate some of the show's BS. Again, we've never promised we're very good at giving advice, but Squarespace helps corroborate what we're going for. We have a new website that's not for us. It's for hot takes. Some members of the community have written in.

We've been on an email chain and they wanted to start a website. And we wanted to do it for hop takes. So this is a SquareSpace-made website. SquareSpace offers tons of stuff. They offer cutting-edge design. So your website is going to look cool, beautiful, dare I say. SEO tools. Search engine optimization.

It's important. It's how people find you. You've got your domain recommendations, donations, videos, subscriptions. They are offering all this stuff on their website. So go to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you are ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me

to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. I don't want to put too much. We're there to help. I don't want to put too much pressure on this friendship, but I have a really good feeling about this. Oh, I like you. Well, uh, Sal, volcano.

And I fucked it up. You just said volcano. Yeah, well, so it's volcano. So, so here it is. It's potato, potato. Yeah, but mine is wrong. So mine is whatever the bad one is. Butato.

You're just potato. By the way, nobody finds it. If somebody, if I was in a restaurant and they go, can I get a steak at some deep fried potatoes? I would go, I'm not your friend anymore. That saying exists from another era. It's not tomato. It's like, it's tomato.

I think it's a potato sauce. I think what we do here is start a pact right now that going forward, at least for a sample size, at least for like the next like month, we make a pact. Without explanation, commit to potato and tomato. and then we'll have a quick call in about four weeks and just talk about how to go. Actually, I got a game the three of us could actually do in 2026. Yeah.

All of our job is to say potato and press. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. To see, and in one year, we come back next year and do this again, see who wins, but it's the press that has to be podcast don't count. Okay.

It's got to be like a talk show, a morning show. Let me ask you this. If somebody catches you on it and asks you about questions, can you explain? You got to let it ride. Then you have to go like this. Some people say potatoes. Some people say potato.

Well, Kelly Rippa, you know what they say? Yeah, but you're not allowed to break the bit. My brother and I, I've said this on this podcast, but we used to play a version of Ding Dong Ditch when I was growing up. He was older. And it was he would spin me in circles as fast as I could until I was mentally gone. Right.

Then we would ding-dog bitch and he would hide. So when the mom answered the door, I was on another planet. You were like a true ding-dong. Yeah, I was, yes, they were like, hello, and I'd be like, hello. And they would be so worried about, like, little boy, are you okay?

Probably give you money. Yeah. Probably think you're soliciting for an organization. I would try to run away and do the, but you'd weave away. say, I'm just dizzy. When they were worried, you had to say, like, are you okay? I'm like, yes, I'm okay.

You could never break the game. So let's see in a year what happens. And another fun part of that is that we have to introduce the word potato, even to be talking about potato at all. That's crazy. Yeah, okay. This movie's good. You know, it's a steak and potatoes kind of movie.

Yeah, you know, you might want to watch it at home. You got some mashed potatoes going, and you just wanted something to watch in the background. All right. I like this. I'm just going to just potato. Well, you'll be good at this because it feels like, it feels like a lighter version of what you do on impractical jokers. I might be a fun bit to just like constantly mispronounce words until someone calls out on.

There's something there. Yeah, definitely something fun there. How many years have you guys been doing that show at this point? 14 years on the air. Wow, man. And how, I mean, it's a super funny show, but how stressful is it? It can be. It really can.

I have a specific, sorry, that's it's abundant, but I have a specific stressful, that question, but specifically, because I just saw the one where you cut, and I know what a sweet, kind person you are, and Sal had to do one where he cut in line. He had to cut in line in front of New Yorkers at a supermarket in New York. Oh, no. He had to cut. And in front of old people in front of like, I mean, it was that to me, I felt for you.

I felt like this is one I couldn't. Some I think I could maybe do this, that one I could not do. What was that like? The simple ones are sometimes the hardest, you know, like just social faux pa things that, you know, no manners. It's tough. It could be tough. That stuff will never get easy. Right.

It just won't. It's built into our DNA that we're not supposed to. Right. So it's like, it'll never get. get easy. So that doesn't get easy. You know, and then it's also a lot of stuff has kept a surprise from us. So like, when you're, you have this anxiety a lot of times when you don't

know what's going to happen, you just like, imagine the worst. I just, you know, I can see it on your face. It's funny. You know, when they're like, you're like, just say it. What is it? And those guys are so like, there's a level of sadism too where they're like, okay, you're ready for it? You're ready.

And you're like, just give it for me. Well, Justin was just on an episode, actually. That's fun. It hasn't aired Yeah, right? It's airing, I think they started out in the new ones in January, so.

And what did you... Killed it, if I might say so. If I could... Chessor always kills it. Yeah. No, I don't know. We used to call him tuition on New Girl because he was so good that

he was going to get so many episodes, he was going to pay tuition for our kids' school. That's so funny. That's right. You know, I just worked with Lamorne. Oh, how was the movie? Oh, it was... It was fun.

You know, I was one of, um, one of the only white actors and crew members. And I had a funny thing happened to me in hair makeup. And we all know how they feel about black people. So that must have been really hard to be. Sure. Yeah, that's a well-known. That's a nightmare for you specific. You know what a struggle that is.

Not Salonite. Sure. But you, Justin? Everyone knows. That's gross. Yeah. So it was, my therapist thought it would be good for me to just really confront it. And it wasn't.

It was back for me. It backfired. But I was in the hair and makeup trailer, and I was the only white person in the hair and makeup trailer, crowded trailer. And one of the actresses in the movie, Natory Notton, she's great. She works with Curtis Jackson on the show Power.

She plays his wife. That's cool. I tried to be cool and tell me because I have a great, what I thought was a great 50 cent story. So I said, I said, I have an anecdote. Right there. You had your own potato. potato potato right there.

That's the worst potato potato. That's potato. And I didn't realize that Fitty was the potato was the potato version of potato. Yes. You know, and as soon as I said, I go, I think I even said, like, I've got a pretty good Fitty story. And they go, what? Everyone collectively was like, what did you say?

And I was like, oh, shit. Did I say it? And they said, Fitty, nobody says Fitty. Jake, let me test both. That is so dorky. Yeah. Oh, so dorky. And I said, well, how do you say it?

You know, and I'm like, tell me how to say it. Do you know how to say it? Because I didn't know. 50. It's not 50 either. You don't say the F, T. What is it? Okay, I'm going to try it.

Here we go. This is going to be bad. This is the whitest we've ever been the three of us. How would you say it? Oh, if they're listening right now, they're going to laugh at me, because I practice so many times. time I was around them, the whole hair and makeup team, they were so sweet. They were so patient with me. Fitty, Fittie Sien, stop it with the accent.

You say, what? That's it, Justin. They told me to do this. They were being mean to you. But you didn't change anything. We, what did you change? Here's what he changed. He went higher. He went weird. He just goes like this. Here's the difference. You got to go, Fitty, Fitty, Fitty. That's not it. That's wrong. You got to say like Jimmy Kagan. Fitton, Peeee, you got to say, you got to throw it away. You got to say it like the yupp guy on that show about people who go to the storage wars. Yep.

Yep. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. Fitty. It's Fitty.

That sounds the worst. It sounds the, I, Sal, we both know. How do you say it, no, we're not going around and dying.

I would say 50 cents. I think you were damned. I mean, I think you were backed into a corner there. I think if you would have said 50, you would have got something. Yeah. You got something.

And then if you were to came out of the gate pronouncing it, whatever this third way is that I'm still not comprehending. Kitty, Fitty. They might have been like, who do you think? It's not good. But Sal, really fast, you are going on tour or you got your special coming out. What's going on with your stand-up, brother? Yes, yes.

I have a special called Terrified. It's on HBO Mac streaming. And I'm touring right now throughout the country. I'm always adding dates. I'm touring all the way until 27. So, Sal will kind of come. You're going for a full year? Two and a half.

I started in September of 24. Wow, man. How many weeks out of the months are you gone? How does it work? I usually do like about, I'd say, between 60 and 80 cities a year. It's so good. The special is so, I'll be a fight, man. It's so good.

Terrified. It's great. And so one last time, because I interrupted because I got weirded out by all that travel, where can people find where you're, you're going to be and see you on the road. They can see you on HBO Max with the special where can they see you in person? Yeah, so my website will have it all.

Salvolcanocomedy.com. And yeah, so, and I'm always, always adding dates. So there's probably 40 or so up there now, but I'm just, you check back if you don't see your city because I will eventually go to every single place and I got playing. That's a threat. And we are brought to you by Walden University.

Oh my we love Walden University look I could hit you with some of the stats for over 50 years Walden has helped working adults turn ambition into action They have a hundred plus degrees and certificates Walden has made it so easy well not so easy but it's never been easier to get your degrees or your certificates Today our mission is simple provide access to education for professionals ready to level up and create real change with Walden's temple learning and you're in control. No set weekly deadlines, no rigid schedules, just the flexibility to progress toward your degree at your own pace. Like we said, they will give you the flexibility to get the W

online programs designed for working professionals. You'll gain hands-on skills to take on real-world challenges and succeed. Your future is waiting, and Walden is here to help you achieve it. Walden University, set a course for change, certified to operate by Skeff. Head to waldenu.orgia. and take that first step. This episode has been brought to you by Wayfair. Wayfair is a place that has a bunch of different stuff to sell at discounted rates. I just bought one of those robot vacuums from them. I found it online and I found it on Wayfair for $200 cheaper.

And I don't see a quality difference. And I'm really into robot vacuums. Truly, there's just so many options for your styles and for your needs. You can upgrade your space. There's visual tools too, so you could sort of walk yourself through like, hey, is this going to work? I got a bunch of stuff from Wayfair. I got a little thing at the end of the bed for extra blankets. I don't remember what you call it.

I think this is one of the things that's great about Wayfair is I'm not an expert, but I felt like one when I was on there. No complaints just could not be easier. Find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's Wayfair. F-A-F-A-I-R-com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Squarespace.

Oh, we love Squarespace. We use Squarespace on the show. I use Squarespace in my real life. All my websites, I have a bunch of them. They've been doing it for a long time. I've been working with Squarespace for a while because they are the best. It's how you build your own brand. They give you all the tools.

They also give you ways to showcase what. you're offering to people so that when people come to the website they go oh whoa this person's legitimate so my personal website gareth reynolds.com Squarespace uh my film give it upfilm.com Squarespace uh everything is uh square space they have it all they just keep growing and getting better because they know they're dominating and they know they're the only place to go so they keep offering everything so go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Do I know this cup of chick?

How do I do that? I don't know this. Hello. Hey, hello. Hey, hello. You're on here to help. We're here to help. Hello.

Okay, good. All right. This is my first time. Is this your first time calling in? Yes. Oh, okay. So what's your name and how can we help? Well, who do we help?

Hi. Oh, that's right. I'm so sorry. It's been a while since I've answered a phone. We're on with, my name's Justin Long, and you're with, of course, Jake Johnson, and Sal Volcano, but you can call him Sal Volcano. Hi, Sal Volcano. Hi, how are you do? And who do we have here?

Good. How are you? This is Phil. Hey, Phil. Did you say Phil, like P-H-I-L? Yes, correct. I wouldn't have bet you were going to say Phil. I'm Phil. That's cool.

Is it short for Philomena? Sure. Is Phil a fake name? It's Phyllis. Phyllis. Okay, you're right. I was wrong. My aunt's name, Philomena.

All right, Phil. Where are you calling from? Justin, very bad job with the intro. I want to practice that. I'm calling from Pennsylvania. Okay. Pennsylvania. And how old are you about just so we get a sense of you?

20. 20? Oh, you're 20. Lucky. What are you doing it? What are you doing in Pennsylvania, Phil? What's your day to day? You're in school? You at work? What do you work at? Just working. What's working? Working as an administrative assistant.

Okay. How do you like it? Going good. Going good. That's what my, that's what I need help with though. All right. Okay. Take over. Alrighty. So I'm less than a month into my new office job, admin assistant. So far, I'm liking everything and everyone. little problem is that recently there's been chatter about people outside our immediate office suite, you know, like security guards and people from like the neighboring offices, you know, at the big building. There are suites.

Shitting in our bathroom. But specifically why they aren't using the designated pooping stall, you know, designated for pooping. and my issue is Sorry, go ahead You go ahead Because we're all going to ask What does that mean A designated shitting snow

Yeah But keep going with this Well, apparently There's a stall in my office suite Designated for Shitting And my issue is I don't know which stall that is There are four stalls

All identical Aside from a slightly larger wheelchair Accessible stall They seem to always know When a shit has taken place in any other stall other than that stall. So I'm just 1,000% sure that if I shit in the wrong stall, they're going to know about it and talk about it.

And I just don't want that look for myself. Phil, can I first say, excellent job. Yeah. Great question. Different than I thought it was going to be. I thought the thing was going to be, how do we get them to stop shitting in our bathroom? But I love that it's more no.

No, it took a turn. It took a turn that they're, and I like, this that there is everybody culturally at that place of work knows where you should but they don't explain it so how would you know how would you know how would i know and i will say right off the bat the ship has sailed on asking them directly it is not an option it's too late the shit the shit has sailed how did you even know how did you even know there was a designated stall for shitting i heard them talking about it in the halls they were talking about someone from the naples they were talking about someone from the neighboring suite

taking a shit and how it smelled and they're like, we don't know why they just won't use that designated stall, like the poop stall and nobody told me this on my first day. But aren't the stalls next to one another? They're consecutive stalls, right? Wouldn't the shit smell fill up the whole entire? No. Well,

the thing is, these are individual like bathroom, sorry, I probably should have explained that better. These are individual like separate bathrooms. Oh, I struggle with those. So personally, but but personally, when someone takes a shit, I kind of just smell it everywhere,

so I really don't know how they know where it's coming from. It traps, yeah. So there's separate rooms, you're saying, Phil. Yes, separate rest, yeah. Wow. I have a suggestion. That's a pitch, Sal, jump in. Okay.

You can keep an ear out for when someone complains about like a grumbling tummy or something, and then you tail them. to see which door they go in. Hey, Sal, walk us through this. Then are you going to go ear to the door while they're dumping? No, but what I would do is I would listen for a, you know, a telltale complaint, like, oh, boy, or something like that. Oh, boy. And then, you know, oh, oh, we're older.

We are older, Phil. Yeah. Or just check out, like, go in the fridge ahead of time in, like, the break room and look at the look who brought what for lunch. And then are you going to keep an eye on that person? And then I would just tell them, I would always stay back. The wife made kale stew last night. And then follow where they go. I hear you.

I do. It's just I'm also supposed to be working there. Yeah. And so I just feel like I might get distracted. Yeah. It's a thought. If someone very overtly complained, maybe I tail them to the bathroom, but I just got work to do.

I have another idea. I have another idea. Go, Sal. So what about? If you make believe, like come back from the bathroom to your coworkers and be like, hey, you know, this is good. I was just in the stall on the right and it smelled in there. And what are we doing?

Because you have a, is it there's four stalls. You have a, you have a 25% chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And you say like, I dig somebody shit in the right, on the right, in the right bathroom there. And on the right side. then someone be like, what? Like someone will most likely be like, what?

Well, that goes against everything we stand for because we all know that we agreed. You got a shit in the bathroom. Or if you got the 25% wrong, they'll say, well, yeah. And then you'll say, you could say, no, no, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean the right one. I meant the left one. Then you could alter your. Wait, Phil, this is actually a very clean play, but I've got a question for you.

Is there somebody in the security or the loudest gossip? Who's the person who cares the most? When you're saying you're overhearing it, there's always somebody who's the loudest Patano, right? Who's the one that's really running point? I'd be loud about that. But like there's always somebody who's like, everybody cares, one person cares the most.

Who is that person who cares the most about which toilet gets shit in? That's a good question. I feel like, yeah, one person brings it up, but then everyone's equally interested. It's probably the person who's been there the longest. She's kind of the office manager. Okay. Can we give her a name because the play Sal's talking about is specific to one person, in my opinion.

So what's that office manager's name? We can call her Kate. Kate. So I think the play on this one is to go to Kate one-on-one and go like, hey, I know this is stupid and the last thing you need to think about, but somebody took a shit in room one. And that's out of line. And then she could go, are you kidding me? And that means it's not wanting go, should we put a sign up or something and say, like, don't go here, but get it together. Like, it's really bumming you out.

So it's running a mile to go a block. But go to her and go like, how do we fix this problem together, Kate? Because people are shitting in every toilet right now. It's an anarchy. I think it's, as an addendum to that, I think it's got to be, I think you have to make clear with Kate that we need a sign for the specific shitting stall. Because then she could say, I'll handle this. I mean, I'm seeing this play out a couple of ways. where the problem doesn't get solved for Phil,

where Kay goes, let me take care of this. And she never learns the correct shitting room. I feel like I can't be too specific. Like, Kate, there's someone sitting in bathroom one. I feel like I have to be like, hey, we just need a sign period. Yeah. Yes, I think that's right. Yeah.

But I, we might be able to go a little bit more subtle on this. Sal, what were you thinking? I have two thoughts. One is I would, I would venture to say that, the shitting one is going to be one of the ends. It just feels like one should be, if you're going to designate one, it'd be one that could be, you know. So

that's just a little, you know, maybe it's a little clue, you know. Now you're playing 50-50. Right. Fitty-fitty. Right. You're playing 50-50. The other thing, I thought logically, it could be the wheelchair accessible one just because it's bigger. There's more room for

No way. That's not fair to the... By the way, no way I'm not shooting in a wheelchair accessible one because if I happen to be taking a shit and someone knocks on the door, I'm a living nightmare. And they go, literally how much longer? And I go, just a minute and they go, I'm in a legit wheelchair and then I walk out

and I go, sorry, I was just taking a shit in your special toilet. I'm the worst guy. And then there's three open bathroom. That one's out. That's out. They will never make it that one. Also, that's the only one they can shit in. It would be exactly. It's such a move.

To make that one, a shit bathroom. Yeah. We turned yours into a fucking pig stout. Dude, we all got sick. We shit all over yours and they're like, I literally can't go in another one, guys.

So why are you coming in mind of shit? Down to three. But is that one on an end? Is that in the middle? Yeah. Okay. Phil. So maybe the other end.

It's the other one. We're playing Russian roulette, but I'm very confident we're not going to die. The other person's going to die. And out of respect to that community, they should keep it as far from them as possible. That's right. So let me ask you, by the way, that is right. If you're stuck in a wheelchair and you've got to take your time to get in and out, you just have to piss.

You don't need that. Keep it three doors away. Yeah. The last thing you need is to sell somebody's shit because they had a kale sale at the night before. It's disgusting. I have a pitch that circumnavigates the whole thing. Because this is right up my alley because I struggle with shitting in public places. Is this true?

Yes, yeah. My dad had a huge issue with that. I shit my pants in first grade because I wasn't able to use the, that's a front other episode. Yeah, yeah, my overalls, I just shit that because I couldn't go in. In the early 80s, you're rocking overalls. Oh, yeah, a lot of it. Spider-Man sneakers.

And I remember the feeling of it just seeping down my leg and the stick. Why are you doing the head nod like you get this, sell? Yeah, right. I do. I do get it. Yeah. I sympathize. I sympathize.

I do not shit in public. It's got to be an emergency situation. Really? I've never shit my overalls, but I don't need to shit my overalls. Do you shit on planes? Yes. No, never in my life.

In my life. By the way, I did two days ago. Get out. Okay, well, congratulations. I'll tell you, I'll tell you why. Because it's garbage that comes out of your butt. Why am I holding it in my body? That's why they have toilet seats.

Well, here's my... That's why they have a bathroom. Here's my ditch to fill. Here's what I... Here's what's helped me out a lot in my life because of this problem that I have. Fish oils. Fish oils at night. Take four of them and you get it out first thing in the morning before you go to your administrative job.

Yeah, but Justin, this isn't her problem. She didn't call insane. She's constipated. You've taken the reins of this weird call and you've made it about giving advice to take fish oil. That's doing a bad job. That's not what the issue. Well, then there'd be no issue for the bathroom. She wouldn't need to shit during the room.

She didn't call in and say, how do I get more regular in the morning? It feels like it's blaming me. It is. That's true. It's my own shame. That I'm trying to pass on to you. I'm sorry, you're right. So something, I'm going to tell.

It's my fault for needing to shit. I'm going to tell a quick story that Justin and Sal are not going to identify with, but I think it's insane to not shit in public. If you got to go the bathroom, go the bathroom. My dad would never, to him, It's like, you could never. Are you kidding me? And I'm like, are you kidding me?

I love your dad's voice. Go to a fucking toilet. He's like, I got to. We literally would be in the car. He'd be like, I gotta get home. I got to get home. I'm like, stop with the drama queen. Go to a restaurant and take a shit.

He's like, no. He needs his room. Runs in with his little butt cheeks quench to get to his own toilet. And we were flying to my sister's graduation from Rhode Island and we were on planes and transferring. And he goes, I don't know what I'm going to do. I got to take your shit. And my brother goes, it's not an emergency. Just go to the bathroom, sit down, pull your underpants down, and take shit, buddy.

This, nobody feels sad for you. And he's like, you don't understand. I'm like, we get it. So finally we convinced him to go to the bathroom. He walks in, and he's sitting down in my brother and I, because we're mean people, walk in, stomping our feet really loud. And then I go like, God damn, that stinks. And my brother goes, that's a joke. That pisses me off.

My dad flushed and lifted up his feet. We, I don't think I've ever laughed harder in my life. We were screaming. He's like an old man who's going like, loop. Because that requires dexterity to really. He couldn't believe it. He was living his nightmare. That's so funny.

He was living. Some mean Southern guys being like, that poo stinks. Of course it stinks. We only, the emergency times that I have publicly. Which by the way,

like, it may be like an airport, but I go find like the one that's far away. Not in a corner, yeah. I find the faraway one

and the one with a bunch of stalls. I don't like the one with like two options. Yeah, I'll find a heavy traffic one. But everyone, I will say, in the pie chart

of who's in there, it's like, like the majority of that chart is people who are very, I would say too comfortable. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just letting sounds like... I was in the bathroom last week with...

Not even a week ago, and a guy was doing play-by-play of his own shit, and he was like, oh, I've been holding that one in for a while. Ew! Yeah. But I saw this. Three times I have done it, I will tuck my feet very, very,

I will get very centered with my feet, like in and in. Because I do want to avoid shoe identification on the edge. Me too. You guys are crazy. But what would it be? Let's say I'm watching my hands and I go, I see you all and I go, hey, there's Justin Long.

And then you sit down and take a dab. I'm going to go like this. Justin Long takes dumps. Now, it takes off. I mean, yeah, I know. Every day. Everybody we know takes one. How about this, Jake?

You're on a plane. You've just destroyed the bathroom. Yeah. Okay. And somebody is waiting for. for it. You open the door. You see that look of recognition. They, oh shit, Nick, from New Girl. Yeah, it's not ideal. What do you say? I'm not proud of it. Do you say anything?

Sadi. You see it. Cutsi way you say, sannie. I go like this. This is what I honestly do. I go like this. So you cut suggesting that someone else did it? Maybe. I'll say, all right. Not great in there. If I open an airplane bedroom and it smells bad already, I won't go in because me too. Me too. Me too. Okay, Phil, we got to go back to you. This is the craziest 10 minutes. I've once at a restaurant, I'll do you one better.

I had to wash my hands because I also have a thing about washing my hands than eating. I have to watch. I went into a single stall. Hold on, Justin, Justin, that's not a thing. I got to wash my hands first. Yeah, that's true. Okay. So I'm going in there and it reeks.

Someone had just destroyed it. And I'm washing my hands really quick. And somebody's waiting when I open the door. I was in there for less than 10 seconds. And, you know, I'm doing a quick wash. I opened the door and I sent to them. I did not do that. I'm not responsible.

I said, I'm not responsible. You know what I would say to you if I was a stranger? Sure thing, pal. Hey, hey, hey, bud, go to the doctor. Your insides are trash. You're dying. Hey, pal, no worries. I'm a little bit scared for your health.

Hey, Phil. What did you have for lunch, diary? Would you eat a dead raccoon, you idiot? Hey, if it smells bad on the side of the road, don't eat it. Hey, Phil. Phil. Did you eat the feces of another animal? We are near a solution.

Yeah. We've got... We are making headway, though, in real life. And I think Sal was very right on. I do not think it would be a middle one. Now that we know one is a handicap one, we know the bathroom. So now how do we identify it? Here's my pitch to you.

Are there cameras set up, security things at all? or not by that area? Not by the bathroom. Here's what I'm looking for you to do. Just by the front door. That's fine. Here's what I'm looking for you to do. And you cannot get caught.

So you're going to put a sign with tape either on the door or in the bathroom. And it's going to be, this is the shitting toilet. Do not go in other ones. And you're going to type. You are making a claim. We have narrowed it down. that as betting people, I'm very confident I'd put good money on.

It's the opposite corner toilet from the wheelchair accessible one. So you are staking the claim. If it's wrong, then what Kate's going to have to do, the office manager, is go let fucking no, take it down,

and then she's going to put the right sign up and go, this is the one. Who put this here, right. But you did not put it up. up there. It was as anonymous as Sal and Justin in a public term. That's not bad. I would even cut like

that's a pretty solid idea. Oh, you would do it like a ransom. Like a ransom? I would not do it like a ransom. I would say the ransom note is hiding it to a scary level. You must shit here. I'd be like, I'm literally calling

security shit here or else. But what I do think, though, Phil, is stake the claim because I think it's going to be right, but if it's not, then you are putting the responsibility on the other ones who care to go, oh, this is what's happening. People are wrong. But then you got to deny it. If somebody goes, did you put that note in there? You go, what note? So you're just basically saying you need help identifying it. So make a claim. If it doesn't get fixed, you got your answer. That's not bad.

I can do that. I think I can. What do you say instead of shitting? Because you can't say shitting in an office. You say number two. This is the number two. Phil, what do you feel most comfortable right in there?

You know the community. Number two. Yeah. It's an office. This bathroom is the only one. Hey, Sal, well, you pitch on what that letter should be, the note. Um,

yeah. So, maybe you go like just you don't even touch that word you say this is the non-peeing bathroom that might be confusing because that's because that's just that you can't pee take a dump hold it going the other one without like you're creating a really bad situation the dry the dry dump room yeah we're like can I oh oh why that's like yeah that required it records years of practice I mean shocking if that was the rule

I wouldn't go taking dubs in public Hey why just I just peed in there and now I'm ready I'm dry my bladders empty so I can't please please

move move move move move um I can know because I don't want to you don't want to be right on the nose but then you don't want to give too little like you can't say this it's got to be clear oh this is for BMs

hmm this is Phil Phil, what do you think in that net note says? Because I'm going to need a photo of it. Hmm. Well, the thing is, it's a pretty laid-back office, so I feel like saying this is where you poop could potentially be acceptable. Poop in here, please.

Yeah, or this is the brown room. The other ones are the yellow ones? That's the one, brown room. Brown room, wins. Brown room is false. That's what. Brown room. Nothing else.

Brown room. Wait, you feel comfortable making a sign that says brown room, but you don't feel comfortable just go out to someone going, hey, which one is the one? The ship has failed, and in this plan, I don't get caught, right? Exactly. It's anonymous. You just put up this on brown room.

Say this is the brown room and the other ones are the yellow room. Actually, this is a bad idea. No, no, no. Because this will be a fun follow-up. Yeah, it might be confusing. We could circle back to Kate just making the sign and having her come up with it. And then let's do this really fast, Phil, because I'm a little bit worried you're going to hang up and go, I heard a lot of weird stories, but I don't know what I'm going to do.

Can we do this? Sal, are you comfortable being Kate, the manager? Absolutely. Phil, will you try your hardest and let's see how this really goes? Yes. Okay. Let's go whenever you're ready, Phil. Take over. Kate's hard at work.

Hey, Kate, how's it going? Knock, please. Can we start over? What was that? Just knock, please. I was just in the middle of something as all. Sorry. Knock, knock.

Are you free? Come on in, but we can lose the little attitude you have. All right, sorry. How's it going? Good. How's everything? it's fine it's fine listen i was just in the bathroom and it's there's it's no like shit i think we need to do something about it um you know i know the people coming and

going in the office suite they don't know what's the designated room so i was thinking can you get a sign going or something uh i'm a little busy right now um but you can do it I'm a little busy, Kate. You're the office manager. I'm sorry. I'm the office manager. So I was a little, I'm a little busy running in the office. But I understand your, I understand.

I hear what you're saying. And I, and I give you full authority. Just do me a favor. Just jot down a little, maybe you want to put a brown, brown room, something like that. Jot that down and just slap that on the door that you know is the appropriate door. And, uh, hey, Kate. Okay. Okay.

Sorry. really quick. Do you know what happened to my... I had some potato salad in the fridge. I know it's a communal fridge, but it's missing. I don't want to interrupt. What's going on here? No, Kate was just saying that someone is

using the wrong bathroom for number twos. I noticed that. I'm very busy. I'm the manager of the office. And so I was just giving her full fart. I got a little sign. I had a kale salad yesterday. Everybody get out.

out of my way. Get out of my way. I'm having an emergency, see? Mr. Johnson. Hey, nobody wants me go into the stall number four. He's got a lot of shame. Well, please go in my overalls. Bill, please do not follow him, please. He's been eating raw tomatoes for a week. So I'll be taking TPO for the next five months with somebody else I'll have to do it. So, Phil, here's what I really think. I'm going to just be honest with you. I don't think you go to Kate.

And I'm just now saying this as a friend. I think that's going against what you want to do and that's keep it anonymous. I think you just make a sign. Let's keep it really simple. Maybe you're right. Please only poop in this bathroom. We're trying to keep the smells in one area.

How about just poo room? Yeah, this is the poop room. Other two for, let's keep them smelling clean. For anything you want. For anything. What you want. Wait, how about this? Yeah, and let them move to sign accordingly.

Exactly right. How about just print the poop emoji? Right. Good. That's good. That's good. That's it. Okay, Phil, really fast.

What are you going to do? I think I'm going to just put the emoji on the door. Let it get moved accordingly. Let them talk about it and hopefully I get more details. Okay. We're going to need you to take a photo of that and we're going to need you to follow up. we'll do thank you so much

for the call all right thanks guys thank you thanks Philomina's a great name yeah but her name was Phyllis oh yeah I don't know about you but I like keeping my money

where I can see it unfortunately big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping my money too after years of overpaying for wireless I finally got fed up with crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees, and free perks that actually cost more in the long run, and I switched to Mint Mobile.

The same coverage, they're using the same towers. It's just that Mint Mobile is cheaper. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month. And you get three months of premium wireless service. If you like your money, MintMobile is for you. Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash here to help. That's mintmobile.com slash here to help. Up front payment of $45 for three months, five-gigabyte plan, required equivalent to $15 a month, new customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and amp fees, extracy, Mint Mobile for details.

Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash here to help. That's mintmobile.com slash here to help. This episode has been brought to you by the great quince. Let me tell you a little bit about Quinn's clothing. Really, everything I wear that I love is quince. The black t-shirt that I got from Quince I've been wearing for all my press. Quince shines. I mean, it's premium fabrics, considered design, everyday essentials. It feels effortless to wear dependable, even as the seasons change. I highly recommend the T-shirts for men and for ladies, but I just say men because I'm a gentleman. Whatever you want, lightweight cashmere sweaters, short-sleeved Mongolian cashmere polos, linen bottoms, and shorts. And they only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production.

Thousands of people who are wearing it every day. The point is I could go on and on. Right now, go to Quince.com slash here to help for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will. Now available in Canada, too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to Quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash here to help for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash here to help.

And we are brought to you by HelloFresh. Nothing hits like home cooking. And HelloFresh makes it easy to do more of it. This year with recipes that don't just feel good. good. They taste delicious night after night. Bring everyone together with meals that are simple and rewarding on a busy weeknight. Keep it simple. Keep it easy. Choose from more than 100 recipes every week, including cuisines from around the world. You could choose from 35 high protein recipes each week, new Mediterranean

and GLP1 friendly recipes. And press guess or treat yourself with new grass-fed steak ribyes, make meals with seasonal produce like pears, apples, asparagus. When you're done, you're surprised you did it. So go to hellofresh.com here to help 10 FM to get 10 free meals. And a freeze willing knife, which is $144.99 cent value on your third box. Offer valid while supplies last. Free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only varies by plan.

Hello? Hello? Hey, how you doing? Good. How are you? Good. You got a special one today. Yes, I do have a special one today.

No, I mean special from RN2. You got Justin Long here. And you've got Sal Volcano. Hey, that's a nice reaction. From impractical jokers and his fucking stand-up special on HBO Max called Terrified.

Wow. And he tours everywhere. What city are you in? I'm in Minneapolis, Minnesota. He'll be there. he'll probably be there. I was there within the last few months. Yeah.

I'll be back. He'll be back. All right, can we get your name, please? Absolutely. My name is Cole. Hey, Cole. And we know where you're calling from.

And Cole, how old are you, man? I am 26 years old, about to turn 27 this month. That's great. What's your issue today? Well, currently, my, issue right now is I work at a neighborhood corner restaurant. And to put it simply, I've been told that I'm fairly handsome and have a quote unquote classic look to me. And to put it simply,

I'm a middle-aged woman catnip. It's weird. Something about middle-aged women and elderly, they are all about me. So you're talking what? Hold on, Cole, you're talking mid-40s? Yeah, mid-40s and older. You're talking about like a mom of a 12-year-old, just can't get enough of your cute little ass in this restaurant? That's exactly what I'm saying, yes. You're living right, Cole. You're living a lot of men's fantasies.

Keep going. It's a great time to be alive. It's a great time for you, sir. Classically handsome at a restaurant, a bunch of 40-year-old ladies loving what you're cooking. Hey, Saul, I don't know why you're calling in right now. I don't see a problem. I don't see a problem on the horizon.

I think we could call you and say, we have a problem. We weren't Cole in our 20s. Because I promise you I wasn't. My issue was never a lot of women are really into me. That was not the issue. This is an automatic disconnect. You got the wrong group.

All right, Cole. So older women are loving what you're cooking. You're a waiter at this restaurant. Is that right? I am a waiter at this restaurant, yes. All right. Keep cooking. All right.

So it seems like my attractiveness. has become an invitation for these women to unsolicitedly touch me in not, not extremely inappropriate ways, but just, you know, touching me when I don't want to be touched. So my question today is, how do I kindly let customers know that I don't want them to touch me? This is crazy, Cole, but a very good question. Yeah.

It's a good question. With this qualify, because it is a good question, I want to get into it, out of curiosity, if we were to label this, would this qualify as a humble brag call? No. No? Because it's a real problem for me.

I don't think Cole's bragging. No. I think if one of us was saying it, we'd be bragging. If Sal was like, dude, at these standard shows, I can't have women stop touching me. We'd be like, shut up. If I was like, dude, the worst part about taking selfies, these girls are like rubbing my bag.

They're like, you're an ugly guy, Jake. We can see you on the Zoom. They only like you because you were on TV. You're not handsome. So, you know, sometimes I see guys in life who are really handsome like Cole, like cheekbones. He described himself as classically handsome. I see those guys and I think, what must life be like? What problems must they have?

And here we find out getting touched. So I think this is a real one for Cole. And then, Cole, walk me through what you mean by, because I got to tell you at 26, my greatest fantasy was a 45-year-old lady just touching me. Right. So walk me through what a bad, walk me through what a bad touch is. Yeah, so just to get it out there, I am happily married. And so that's where this unsubstating becomes a problem.

Now, is that because your partner is jealous, or is it because you live in a world of rules? I live in a world of rules. Maybe both. But, Cole, is it maybe both, or is it you are a man, you got principles, you got rules, you are taken, you are called for, you understand you're a great-looking guy. They are not allowed to touch you. There's one person who could touch you, and you married that person. That's right.

Cole is not on the menu tonight. Cole is not on the menu tonight. So I understand you want to eat this dish. Somebody else has ordered it. There's only one fish in denim right now. Yeah, absolutely. Ordered and eaten. That's pretty cool, Cole.

Let me ask you a quick question before we get into it. How did you get like this? Because this isn't a normal response from a 26-year-old meal. It's true. I, that is a great question. I don't really know. I kind of just, you know, I have my loveliest lovely, and she is the one for me,

and I don't see any other women the same way that I see her. And so, yeah, my love for her outweighs the attention that I get. I'm honestly, Cole, I'm about to grab your fucking ass, dude. You're walking by me with a thing of potato skins, and I'm touching that little butt. That was the cutest answer I've ever heard. Hey, Cole. Can you repeat the specials again?

Can you repeat the specials? Yeah, it wasn't paying attention. Because you only got one lovely. I got one lovely right here. It's crawling up your shirt going the itsy bitsy spider. It plays with your little ears. Wants to try the pumpkin soup. Whoops the zipper.

And also, Cole, where are they? What's the line? I mean, like, what is your boundary? If someone would say, I'm sorry, dear, can you repeat that? and just kind of give you a little forearm touch. It's a good question. Where it is, when does it become, you know, a problem? Absolutely.

I think a, you know, the situation you gave is, I think to me is acceptable, you know, a quick arm tap or a shoulder tap, something like that, that's fine. But it's when the hand lingers and you can, it's obvious the implications or intentions of the person, you know, touching me. Yeah. I like this, cool. touching me to get my attention. No, they're touching you to get your attention.

Right. Exactly. Is there Cole, how do I say this? Is there a main bad guy? Hmm. What do you mean? Is there a woman or a man there who does the most touching? Is there a Mrs. Furley?

Mrs. Mrs. Mrs. Okay. So, but it is a community of these women who are just, is it women and men? It is women and men, yes. Yeah. Okay, so it's a group of middle age trolls just grabbing at you. Exactly. It's weird.

They're sitting under the bridge waiting for me to walk past. Has your wife witnessed this? Cole? I mean, or is it something that you just feel uncomfortable with because of her very existence and because of your morals? I my wife has not witnessed this no it is it is due to my morals and my values that I like I only want to be touched by her you know yeah I'm really good for you so thank you this is wild cold so when you're touched they like the hand on the lower back where they're like I'm so sorry honey can I get a little bit more of the coffee do you mind what do you do in those moments I usually position myself further away or like gently move their hands away in a non-confrontational way. All right.

I got my first pitch. Okay. It's a little bit weird cold, but it will be effective. I don't know if we're going to end here, but it might get things started. I want you to overreact with a sound almost as if you have a condition. So if somebody touches you, it's as if their hand is fire. So it's one of these. Justin, you be the woman.

I'm walking by, I'm Cole. Okay. Hey, everybody, the specials are the linguine and the pasta, and then we've got all sorts of wines. I could go through the list if you guys want. I would love to hear more about the wines. Sorry about that. Sorry, sorry, they'll stop.

Sorry, I got startled when you try, I just, I got startled. What's wrong, sweet? I'm so sorry, I just got startled. Oh, look how he gets, he's jittery, he's nervous. This is going sideways, and I don't think that's how it would happen. I don't think they're full on. I'm very, I'm full on predators.

I'm not what I'm hearing. Are they pretty persistent? Cole? There has been situations where these women have been very persistent. He makes them insatiable. Okay. All right, Sal, what are you thinking here? I have a question.

So is this unique to each person and the new, you never see them again. So like you're regulars. You're looking, oh, it's regular. Oh, it is.

Okay. So you're seeing these people, these, or repeat, sometimes they repeat this. This isn't something like, you're not just looking for a way to handle this when it happens.

I might have missed that part. This is, there are people here are doing this to you regularly. Yes. Ooh. I didn't know that either. I got one,

call. Okay. Faking illness. Oh. And. it's a mysterious illness that you don't know what it is, but it's something with your immune system. While he's serving food, Jake. Hmm, I didn't know you were back, Natalie.

Nat attack. You can't have a contagious server. You're right. Look, when you're right, you're right. Natalie, very efficient and effective with her words. But she's right. I don't, if there was a contagious server, I'm not going, cool. Can you do it again?

Can you get out of here? Like I'm setting. I'm putting up a boundary, but like a warning shot, but like in a cutesy way, like, be easy there. No, no. No, that feels like it's asking for trouble, Justin. Yeah, because it's too. It's too playful.

That's the kind of guy who doesn't shit in public. Right. That's the kind of guy who's never had this problem. That's the kind of guy who wants to be touched. And he wants it so bad, nobody will touch him. No, no. Oh, naughty, naughty. Ew.

I did have an initial idea of maybe getting like a small button that says like either fragile don't touch or a look don't touch something along those lines. Oh, no. You know what you could say? Go ahead, Sal. Well, I mean, that's picking up from a different handle, you know, because then you're walking around like you look. I mean, that doesn't look great. I mean, for me, I would, who does this guy think he is? Because you don't also want to assume that's a billboard.

That's a billboard to anyone who reads it. He's a bit of an invitation. And that might be on me. I had a person one time that I knew that was hitting on me that I thought knew that I was involved. And I get so caught up my own head that I, I didn't want to correct them on the off chance. They'd be like, I'm not hitting on. Right. I know.

Of course. You don't want to so embarrassing. Yeah, yeah. So it's like, I'm called for. Yeah. Whoa, I wasn't. Would you mind taking a photo? I literally will ask them, like, if they need me to take a photo of them.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, you know, if you walk around with don't look, but don't touch that. That's like that. Do you wear your wedding ring, Cole at work? No, particularly just because it's, I get weird about sensory things. and potential germs and stuff like that, so I choose not to wear my ring at work.

How about this? How about a button that says, I get weird about sensory things. I'm sorry, I'm sensitive to the touch. Oh, I don't mind that. Because then you're putting it on you. A lot on a button. Then they have to get closer to read it.

Or how about a button that says, I have a nerve issue please be careful touching me. No? Okay. Sal hates it. Handle with care. Handle with care.

So, Cole, this is a little bit tricky because I want to pitch, I want to pitch a pin and I want to sign, but I think Sal's reaction is right and Justin's reaction is right. It's a lot on a sign. It's a lot on a thing.

And if you just write... True, maybe a little worry. But if you just write, like, please don't touch me. What about just staying a little further from the table? Just the proximity. What if you just stayed away?

And I mean, I know you've got to bring the food over at some point, but couldn't you add another foot of Bufrey and just speak a little louder? You could, but how about this, Cole? How about you pretend it's a decision through management? So if somebody touches you, go like this. Hey, Sarah, they don't like it. I'm so sorry, but I just got a little bit of, there's a thing going on here where they can't have any of the employees have any

any physical contact with people. And they'll go, why? And they go, you go, I don't know. It came down from corporate, but it's something is going on. So I just need you to please not make any contact with me. And then it's so good between where it's like, oh, no. And you go, it's not between you and me. You can even commiserate with them.

But something is happening. So if they put your hand on your arm, you literally go like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry, but that can't happen. We can't have any physical contact because I guess something happened with the, the financiers of this at another restaurant. You don't even have to get into it. I don't, because you don't know. But you got a memo saying if a customer touches you,

you have to stop it and you are not allowed to touch a customer. Blame it on fake corporate. Okay. So you're not embarrassed. She or he's not embarrassed. It's just, I'm not scolding you. This just can't happen. And they go like, who's going to tell?

And you go like, my manager. So I just can't take the chat. Okay. What do you think of that, Cole? I like that. To note on Mr. Long's about stepping farther away, the restaurant is just a slight bit too small to not be right up against the table. Right.

That makes sense. Yeah, it's difficult to stand a little bit further away. I've thought of that. I wish I could. Yeah, yeah. I do like that corporate memo. So let's try this. Sal, do you and Justin want to be whatever you guys want to be at the restaurant?

Okay. I'm not going to give you guys rolls. Whoever you guys are. But the hottest guy you've ever seen just got to the table. Okay. You've had a couple of drinks. You're feeling loose. You guys are, I hate to say it, but metal-aged.

I can do that. We're a couple of fours. You guys are in the fours. This is three-fourers trying to solve a problem for a 10. Neither of you guys have taken a dump since you were at your hotel early this morning. Okay. A lot of pasta. You've had some food.

Cole comes back with dessert. Cole, they're going to say when they go to touch you, I'm going to say touch. Because you can see the Zoom. So, Cole, whenever you're ready. Okay. Oh, there he is. He's coming back. Oh.

Oh, my God. Should we get a dessert? All right, guys. Here's your chocolate sea salt and caramel cake. Oh, God. We shouldn't have done this. Delicious. Delicious.

I feel like indulging tonight in more ways than one. Oh, I knew he was going to say that. Touch. Touch. Oh, sorry. I can't have any physical contact between me and a customer. What? It's above me.

Don't get mad at me. Get mad at corporate. Oh, sure. Yeah, right. He's teasing Sal. Touch. Touch. It's just your wrist. Oh. No, thank you.

Please, I'm not kidding. The managers will get mad and I might get fired. Please don't touch me. Oh, Cole, this is coming across weird. I need you to do it again. I'm sorry. Yeah, that was weird. Here's what I need.

Here's what I need. Oh, right away. Explain the premise. Oh, I'm so sorry. We can't have any touching because. of this role with corporate. I'm sorry, something happened

that you don't know about, but you got a really serious talking to. In Cole's defense, it is a slightly weird. I get it. Hey, I mean, it's a tough thing to play.

Cole's going to do this in real life in a couple of days. I think I would need a few, yeah, I would need a few times. Cole, we need you to win here because if this goes sideways, it's not great for your job.

True. Okay. So this isn't going to end with you getting fired. This is going to end with these people stopping touching you. Okay. It will.

Yeah, so really serious, really clear, but you are in charge. Okay. All right, you're back to the table. You got that delicious chocolate thing that made me on. You know, I wasn't even hungry for dessert. I just wanted to see him again. I, I, I, I, here's your chocolate cake. Oh, touch.

Thank. Never mind the chocolate cake. What are you working with? S slap. I'm slapping the face by Justin. It's I just don't touch that No,

only I can touch him Oh no Actually nobody can It's from the managers above me That nobody can touch the servers Or likewise Other vice versa It's out of my control

I can't really do anything about it You might need a script Jake, you might need to give him a script Because I think it needs to be A succinct That first or second sentence Has to be very unlike his ass Yeah

Yeah. That's it, ready? It's, I don't mind, but we have a no touching policy because of something that happened I'm unaware of. Yeah. Ooh. And I don't mind is great, but we have a no touching policy because something happened that I'm unaware of.

Okay. Say that, I like that. Let's try that. Okay. Not that I mind, but we, we have a no touching policy due to extrunuating circumstances. Great. You don't like that? that, Justin? I don't like you'd say, because then it invites curiosity.

Something that happened that I'm not aware of, but it's the policy of the start. It's over. And then let's do it one more time now. You've got to close the door on any potential. You're very close. This is going to end it. You just got to the table and now the guys are going to talk a little bit. All three of us are sitting there eating.

You come to the table. Three fours. Hungry for a 10. We're all four. So together we're a 12. Yeah. I'll take you. Give yourself some credit.

You have extremely handsome money. Yeah, you too, Cole. You look great. You are classically handsome. Don't flirt with us, Cole. He's not flirting. He's just being friendly. Is he at the table now?

Are we customers? Yes, come here, Cole. Hey, Cole, those shoulders are yours. Did you ever play football or something? How they get so. That's what I was going to say. I try. I try.

And I guess your position, too, because I was going to say tight end. Some people say I'm a pig spin. A little pigskin, throw me around. Sal's being shy, but he's no one that's been most vocal about It's also Sal's birthday. Yeah, so the birthday boy. Cole, what are you doing? You're flirting with us.

Cole. So? Cole! Cole! You were fully flirting with us. What happened there, Cole? I don't know the grim details, but, you know, there can't be any contact between the customers and the server. You're in trouble.

You can't see grim details. Now you're going to, now the rest of the. The restaurant is going to take a hit in its credibility. Keep it vague. Keep it really vague. Something happened. Something happened. I'm not aware of, but there's not, they said there can't be any, there's a no touching policy. Because of something that happened that I'm unaware of.

Sorry. No, not that I don't mind, not that I mind, but there is a no touching policy, guys, because of something I'm unaware of. Moving on then. What can I get you? Yeah. What can I get you? Let's get to the, what I'm here for, what you're here to eat.

You're here to eat. Don't tell the guys to give themselves credit because they're more handsome than fours. No judgment. Judgment. There is judgment. That's why you've called in. There's judgment. Okay.

Here he comes. Judgment. Oh, here he comes. So, Sal, this time you're sitting alone. Cole, you walk up. Hey, here's your chocolate cake. Right. How's that holiday of yours?

Oh, I'm sorry. There's a, I can't be touched. Something that I'm not aware. of happened and a rule of no contact happened. I can't. That's going to you off.

It's, it's I don't mind. It's, I don't mind, but something happened that I'm not aware of, and there's now a rule that there's no touching allowed between customer and wait, wait, step. It's crazy, Cole. Cole,

you've, we were taking us, this is apocalypse now, man. Like, you said it. You got to get us out of numb. It's just going to require rehearsal. Wait. So before we do it, Cole, just say the lines. Okay, here we go. I don't mind.

But something happened I'm not aware of. And now there's a rule where no touching is allowed. Okay. Do you want to do the no touching second? So you want to go, not that I'm on, but there's a no touching rule because of something that happened that I'm unaware of. Mm-hmm.

Not that. I like that. That's the thesis statement. Right away, I'm sorry you can't touch. Oh, not that I mind. That's good. But there's a no touching policy at this restaurant. Then you can imagine them go,

huh? Something happened that I'm unaware of. Yeah, that's good. It's a three-parter. So just say that first before we do the scene. Let's just hear the lines. Okay. I don't mind but there is a no touching policy Let's start with, Cole, I think Jake's right.

We've got to start with the rule. There's a no touching policy at this restaurant. I don't mind, but something happened I'm unaware of, and they've implemented this policy out of my hands, so to speak. Okay, let's just try the lines and say the lines. All right. Oh, there's a no touching policy at this restaurant. I don't mind, but something happened that I'm not aware of to set this policy.

Hey, Cole, Jake, you want to speak? Just let these people touch you. Just let these people touch you. Yeah. I hate to say this. I hate to say this, but just. It's not a big. It's not going to work.

What about leading with this? Ready, ready? Okay, ready? Okay, ready? I know this is tacky, but I got to say it. Something happened I'm unaware of, and so they have a no touching policy now. That's it.

Okay. Say those lines. It makes me say it. I feel silly. Yeah. Yeah, it's silly. You don't have to say word perfect, but you hear his point, the way he's doing that. This is silly.

Like, it's kind of stupid, but there's no touching policy now. So I just got to stop it. It's also coming on the heels of being touched. So imagine you're like, imagine you're feeling weird. But you're, you make, it's them being weird, not you, and you're casual and loose. You're a classically handsome guy. Let's just hear the words. Real casual, real loose.

Okay. Let's see it. I know this is kind of silly, but something. happen that I'm not aware of and there has been a no touching policy implemented. It's kind of silly but I guess that's where we're at. That's pretty good. So now Cole walk up to the table. Let's put it in real action.

Sal's by himself at the restaurant and let's just see what happens. But really loose like that, Cole, really human for lack of better direction. Just a normal guy. Okay. Here you go, Sal, here's your chocolate cake. Thank you. Somebody works out. Yeah.

I touch. Oh, sorry. I know this is kind of weird and silly, but something happened that I'm not super aware of, and there's been a no touching policy implemented here. It's kind of, you know, it is what it is, but that's where we're at. Hey, dude. Cole. Welcome to not being touched.

That's going to work. You didn't. All of a sudden, you made it. It was so chill. The guy's not feeling weird. You're not going to, like, get less tips. They're not going to complain. It's just kind of like, this isn't a deal, but, you know, corporate, man.

And they're like, oh, weird. Do you know what happened? I really don't. Okay. Yeah. I'm keeping my hands off of that person. These prude pencil pushers just put this thing in emotion. But, Cole, you'll get out of the woods on that one.

That'll work. Okay. All right. I like it. Will you follow up with us? That felt natural, too. Of course I'll follow up. Will you follow up with us after the third time you've tried this move?

Yes, I will follow up after the third time that I've tried this move. And Cole, I would say just going forward, less is more, just when you're like, it's just the point of there's this rule. I think it's silly, but it is what it is. I like that you were kind of hitting that part of it. Cole, this is going to work. Melt a nice scoop on their cheeks. Nope.

You got to be charming. You got to be relaxed. And it's got nothing to do between you and Judy. Okay. You feel confident? I feel confident. Thank you guys for the advice. Thanks, Cole.

We believe in you, Cole. Yeah. Thank you. And have fun. Have fun out there in the world. Thank you. Not too much fun. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash HereTo Help Pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here To Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis,

Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.