We're Here to Help - 272: Trash Night Buffet & Fancy Football (with Aya Cash)

Episode Date: March 18, 2026

Aya Cash joins Jake and Gareth and together they right a bear-sized wrong. Then, they form a collection agency.See Aya Cash perform in Giant now open on Broadway from March 23rd through June 28th.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This episode is sponsored by the great Squarespace. We love Squarespace here at the show. We are constantly using Squarespace to build different websites for the show that support the show, that support or corroborate some of the show's BS. Again, we've never promised we're very good at giving advice, but Squarespace helps corroborate what we're going for. We have a new website that's not for us.

It's for hot takes. Some members of the community have written in. We've been on an email chain and they wanted to start a website. And we wanted to do it for hop takes. So this is a SquareSpace-made website. SquareSpace offers tons of stuff. They offer cutting-edge design. So your website is going to look cool.

Beautiful, dare I say. SEO tools. Search engine optimization. It's important. It's how people find you. You've got your domain recommendations, donations, videos, subscriptions. They are offering all this stuff on their website. So go to Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you are ready to launch, use offer code

Gill sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Thank you for joining our podcast today. Thank you for joining our podcast today. Nice to meet you, Bo. Nice to meet you, too. I've met you, Gareth. And I feel like, Jake, I've just heard lots about you. Back at you.

I feel like we've met each other. And then I realized when we saw each other, we haven't. But I feel like we have. Yeah, yeah. How do you and Mr. Gareth know each other? You're the worst. I wrote on the final season of You're the Worst, which is, I cannot recommend that show enough to people.

Like, that really, I don't know how you feel about it. But I mean, I was a fan of it and then wrote on the last season, and it was just, of all the things I've worked on that to me, was just such a great show that I, every time anyone asks for show recommendations, I just say that show is so well written, so well performed. but I don't know I mean how do you feel about that time

yeah fuck those people now I can tell you the truth thank you yeah still some stories no I mean I still it's unfortunately I you know it's kind of like the X you can never get over I'm like when do I get to do that again

oh once once in your lifetime if you're lucky great what's your story with how you got into everything What was the beginning? Oh, come on, girl. Give it.

So what was the arc a little bit here? Needy child, only child, like detention. Only child from where? From San Francisco. Ooh, city, Marin, around. Oh, no, no. I said San Francisco, okay?

Ooh. Shots are fired. Shots are fired. Where in San Fran? I know it a little bit. I've been vacationing there a lot. I like it. I, um, I,

up kind of all over because I have divorced parents, but a big chunk was spent on 19th in Castro, so in the Castro. Look at you. Now I understand the cool paint job. Yeah, that's right. Makes sense. Now, at first I was like, that's a weird choice. And now I'm like 19th in Castro.

Yeah, no, I am a send-up. I am a Portlandia episode set in San Francisco. So grew up in San Fran. Yeah, grew up in San Fran. and went to arts high school. So by high school, I knew I wanted to be an actor. I auditioned because I was small, and my family said,

you better get into a public school where you're not going to get beat up. Because you're a little guy. Because I'm a little one. And so then high school, you're like, I think I want to do this acting thing. Yeah. Arts high school.

Arts high school, which was just... What does that mean? So no math, no science? No, it meant... math and science and a lot of weed. It was like not a, you know, we, I remember everyone drinking 40s at one point at school. And the teacher came in and found us, but only the person who was taking a sip got in trouble. It was a very, oh.

This is what I would think about in art school, to be honest. That sounds awesome. I've got 12-year-old daughters and we're just starting to look at the junior high high school world. And I've heard, you know, another dad was like, our daughter's going to, they were all in the same volleyball team. He goes, we're thinking about an art school. And I literally, my image was a bunch of kids smoking joints, drinking beer. And the teacher going like, dude, I'm not here to fucking judge because I party too. And I'm like, get out of here.

Judge. These are 14-year-old kids. Our assistant principal, I remember, got arrested or fired for, she'd been using the company card. And she, I remember she bought a water bra. I remember that was a big scandal at our school. Like, that's how she got caught. Okay. So women sometimes enhance.

If you've ever seen a show I've ever been in, they're often not mine. Like a water, like a water bed on your chest? Yeah, I kind of want one of those just for myself. Like sacks of water. I feel like this was a 90s thing. Like sacks of water to sit in your bra to, you know, give a little. I was just given the nickname Wet But I think we got a nickname for you, Wet Chest. We're big into nicknames here.

I'm sorry, water brawra. You might be Water bra. Water bra. It's real appropriate for the... I'm street drugs. I'm wet butt, you're water, bra. Yeah. So water bra, you go to arts high school.

Yeah. And then... You're liking it. Then then college. You know, I started doing... I thought I was going to go and do Shakespeare around the country and live the life of exactly what you think comes from San Francisco. But like a true actor, theater in the park.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Acting, acting, acting. Black turtlenecks, black box theaters. Oh, definitely. Yeah. Like dance shoes when I'm not dancing. Yeah, interesting.

A lot of movement, a lot of acting classes with movement, the idea of... Movement eyeliner. All of the above. Then what happens? How do you get in the world of TV and all that fun stuff? Oh, I was just broke. And also, you have to be famous to be in Shakespeare in the park. So I was saying, well, fun.

It's the funniest part of going back to New York and seeing it. in plays and you're like, guys, go to LA, get on TV and then come back. Well, honestly, that was my plan. I was like, oh, also I was, you know, I was a waitress. So I was waitressing and realized that as I started to do theater in New York, which was incredible, I would make more waitressing than doing plays. So I just started to say, like, oh, I need to stop doing as many plays and start, you know, dying on law and order.

But then now you're on Broadway. You're on Broadway? Probably. You're doing giant? Mm-hmm. I mean, now you're the person who is coming to New York, the star, to do plays. I mean, fuck yeah. I want to be that person that little girl comes to see in the audience and is like,

she's not that great. Oh, she's on TV. That's why she got it. It's the total dream. It's embarrassing. That's the dream. They're not great. Yeah, but they've been on TV a lot.

They're successful. Oh, okay. They got a little bit of money. Good for them. And it opens, we just saw March 11th. March 11th. The show starts performance as March 11th. Yeah.

That's coming up. Yeah. And then it opens March 26. Yeah, great. Who else is in? I'm just looking at a text. I never get info like this. Natalie just sent it.

She was excited. Hey, you got the inside track. So who's in the show with you? What's it about? It's John Lithgow. play is Roll Doll. Oh, what? So we're going to get a lot of people who are really excited to see Roll

Doll. They love the witches. And then, boom, anti-Semitism. It's a very smart, very funny, but also a very topical play about anti-Semitism and responsibility of the Jewish diaspora. How do I make it sound less? Fun. It's getting close.

All right. Let's start. Let's start this terrible show. We are brought to you. We're here to help by Walden University. For over 50 years, Walden University has helped working adults turn ambition into action through flexible distance learning. Today, our mission is simple.

Provide access to education for professionals ready to level up and create real change. It's whatever you want. I mean, it doesn't matter how quickly or how slowly you want to try to achieve this. Walden is there for you. A hundred plus degrees and certificates. Look, I mean, it's tempo learning. That's what we're calling it. And I'm part of the team that came up with all this stuff. But with tempo learning for Walden, you're in control. So you get to, you know, if you're like, oh, I can do a bunch of it, or I need to wait. There's no pressure. You're not going to feel this, you know, because you might have other things going on. And Walden understands that. They're empathetic towards that. So there's flexibility with that. You're going to gain practical real-world skills through real-world scenarios. If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it. Head to waldenu.edu and take the first step. Take the first step. Visit waldenu.org.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, we love Squarespace. We use Squarespace on the show. I use Squarespace in my real life, all my websites. I have a bunch of them. They've been doing it for a long time. I've been working with Squarespace for a while because they are the best. It's how you build your own brand.

They give you all the tools. They also give you ways to showcase what you're offering to people so that when people come to the website, they go, oh, whoa, this person's legitimate. So my personal website, garethrennals.com, Squarespace, my film, give it upfilm.com, squarespace. Everything is Squarespace. They have it all. They just keep growing and getting better because. they know they're dominating and they know they're the only place to go so they keep offering everything. So go to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code.

Gill sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. This episode has been brought to you by Wayfair. Wayfair is a place that has a bunch of different stuff to sell at discounted rates. I just bought one of those robot vacuums from them. I found it online and I found it on Wayfair for. $200 cheaper. And I don't see a quality difference. And I'm really into robot vacuums. Truly, there's just so many options for your styles and for your needs. You can upgrade your space. There's visual tools too. So you could sort of walk yourself through like, hey, is this

going to work? I got a bunch of stuff from Wayfair. I got a little thing at the end of the bed for extra blankets. I don't remember what you call it. I think this is one of the things that's great about Wayfair is I'm not an expert. But I felt like one when I was on there. No, complaints just could not be easier. Find furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's Wayfair. W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home.

Hello? Hello? Hi. Who are you, please? Hi, my name's Aaron. Hi, Aaron. Thank you for calling. Where are you calling from?

I am calling from Breckenridge, Colorado. Colorado, beautiful. Roughly, how old are we, Erin? What are we dealing with? 41. I'll just be straight forward there. Thank you. A kid.

Got a very useful voice, Erin. I've been told that before. You do. You've got Jake, you've got myself, and we have a special guest helper. We have Aya Cash joining us, so we will get this solved. So what's the first?

going on, Erin. What can we help you with? Well, my location is key to the story. So I live in Breckinridge, which is a mountain town in Colorado. Mount Resort Town is beautiful. We've got gorgeous views, kind of crazy weather. Mostly we have a lot of wildlife. So that's kind of what this calls about, sort of. We've got bears, which is kind of the main wildlife that comes to this story. So we all know what to do with our trash. The bears love the trash. They love pretty much anything that smells like food. So grills, anything like food related if you leave it out, the bears are going to get into it.

And so it's definitely going to attract them. So we all know what to do. We've got airproof cans. You're not supposed to set your trash cans out the night before. And for some reason, the people in my neighborhood do not get them out, even though most of them have lived here for like decades. Like they know what to do. but what happens is lucky for us our neighbors will leave their trash out the night before and then the bears will always get into them and then for whatever reason the bears really love to dine in our yard and then also do what bears do after they dine and leave it in our driveway so basically we're left cleaning up people stuff and bear stuff. after this happens.

So I don't know why. And the neighbors, they'll leave their hands out and then they'll see that they're knocked over, but then all the trash is in our yard. And so they don't think that they need to clean it up because not in their yard, it's not their problem. So we're over here cleaning up other people's garbage, which is disgusting. And then also scooping giant piles of bear poop into our garbage. This is interesting, Erin.

So what is the specific? I like the setup a lot. It's very clean. Not clean, but I have an image of it. What is the specific question we could help you with today? So my question is, what do we do to get this to stop? I am classically Midwestern. I'm not from here.

I'm from Minnesota. And so passive aggression is my go-to. And so I do a whole lot of just like shooting daggers over their houses while I'm cleaning up the garbage. It's not going to work. anything. I'll tell you what, if I left my garbage out and a bear ate it and shit in somebody else's yard and some little lady from the Midwest was giving me dirty looks while cleaning up my garbage of my shit, fine. Yeah.

Fair trade. It's kind of best case scenario. Yeah. Fair trade. You don't like me, but I'm not cleaning up their shit. Yeah, it feels like maybe they're just winning all around. My husband always tells me to not clean it up, text them, tell them they need to come over and get it. And every once in a while they will, but it's like a half a half a lot.

fast cleanup. It's not like they're doing it the way that they would in their own yard. What about really fast? You can get a $250 electric leaf blower. Ooh, trash blow? Yeah. Just. Yeah, it's really how aggressive do you want to get? That's a pretty good one. Put it all right in their yard. Very anti-passive, aggressive. It's aggressive, aggressive. Oh, yeah, what on your side? You're driving in.

Do you hear this voice? If this voice matches this face, you can do whatever you want. You just got to do it quiet because no one will suspect you. So I think leaf blower calls too much attention. I think you go real, I'm a petty bitch. Like this would drive me crazy

and I would find some way to punish but never let it go back to you. Interesting. I think leafblower is the right idea in terms of getting it on their property somehow, but I think you've got to be real covert. and they'll never know. That's really interesting.

Well, I think of it, like, we, obviously, if it was on their yard, they would have a totally different opinion. So part of me thinks maybe you just do the full move and you just, you know, when it happens, just move everything there. That, I guess it's a little dangerous to the bear. Well, it's dangerous and it's work.

You take the leftovers out of the container, meaning you don't let the bear tip the trash cans. You go over. when they meet them out. You tip them in their yard. Oh, my God. I like that a lot. That's really good.

At night. And then the bear is regressive as they come. Yeah, but. But here's why it's passive, Aaron. You do it in the secrecy of night. In a bear costume. Oh. So, but you quite here.

I actually think this is crazy, but it would be really, it could work. If in the middle of the night you see it, you sneak out, you got to be careful of ring, cameras. Yes, that's the thing. Because everybody's got a camera right now, and man, you would be on one of those shows, like, bad neighbor shows on, like, True TV.

If I saw on True TV a lady in a bear outfit knocking over my garbage, I'd be like, that's crazy. Yeah, you do want to maybe be a little disguised in this. But this is neither here nor there, but have you guys seen the thing that there's chimpanzees in the wild who've been wearing masks while committing crimes? Moving on. Neither here nor there. But I, uh, what do you?

He didn't even give us a chance, Jake. It's like conspiracy theory. Yeah, it's very interesting. It's not over. Who cares? That's not what this calls about. This is a dog bears in a front yard in Colorado. But you know what just-

Chimps literally creating masks to be anonymous. Aya, he has a blind spot for chimps, to be quite honest with you. So he just floated that out there thinking, hey, maybe everyone's into this and then realized his algorithm is just catering towards him in a strange direction. That's exactly right. But when you're talking about being a petty bitch

and doing something on the sly, what are some possible pitches? To do for this? Because my kind of thought is aggression on aggression. But you're right that with her voice and face and who she is, the middle of the night thing is a very good idea, but it's scary because of a ring camera.

If you get caught on that, that's a living nightmare. So what we need to do is we need to get this garbage So it stops going in Aaron's yard And so the bears stop eating it and shitting in her yard What is the way we could go ahead Aaron The other thing that kind of has me not wanting to do that Is that I don't want the bears here

Like I mean they're fun to look at right But part of the reason why I clean it up so quickly And don't leave it for them to like come over You don't want to feed them I don't really want to attract more bears. Okay, so we want them to cap their trash. Right. Or just follow the rules.

How about this? What about if we fake a bear chase? Go on. What about if you're wearing like a boot, you know when like people get hurt and they have to wear the boot? You wear the boot. You come over next door. You tell these people that you've been capping your trash like the rules are. You're a rule follower.

The last thing you wanted to do was come over here and have to say this. But the fact that the bears are going over there because they're running trash night buffets, you were out there, there was a cub, you saw it, the mama chased you around the house, you twisted your ankle, sorry, got to cap the trash. It's pretty good. I don't know if I'm not good of an actor. You got two phenomenal actors on this call. Aaron, let's see this.

I want you to play The Neighbor. Okay. And I want you to just try with Iya and see how it would go. If you're telling her, she's got to cap her trash because you were attacked by a bear the previous night.

Hold on. It's not just one neighbor. It's like multiple. You got to go one at a time. You're going one at a time. You almost got killed. And then you ask for help. You ask for help.

You say to them, you say, will you please help me? Will you please help me? Oh, what if we do this fear? email. Do you have everybody's info? I don't know. So you got to do it.

The people that are doing this are not my people. Okay, but what about, is this, could this be a letter you hand to people or is this you want to go door to door and knock? I don't want to go door to door and knock. So you want to be a letter. We can't go through the husband, Gerith. He's not on the call. If there's a bear attack in our town, it's like front page news.

Exactly. Not exactly. That hurts us. It does hurt us. Yeah. Okay. All right. So let's move away from bear attack.

It's not a bear attack. It's a bear chase. What if you, okay, if you don't feel like you can do this in person, what if you just leave a trail of blood from their trash cans to your yard? Do you think they'd notice? And then you don't come outside for two weeks. Exactly. That appeals to me from the passive aggressive standpoint for sure. I have a really passive aggressive one you could do.

create signs that you hang up at night that says do not put your trash out at night it's a rule it's attracting bears be respectful I hated that I like it as as real advice I'm just waiting for the turn yeah you're right

yeah that was and you also left a pause too. Waiting for the turn is right. But the idea of leaving signage out that's really passive-aggressive, really bitchy and really like, hey, clean up after yourself. But maybe one bloody hand on the door like Passover,

right? Like just like a smear of blood down the neighbor's door. Well, here's what I'm gonna say, here's what I'm afraid. Just the corpse on the porch. Here's what I'm afraid of the blood because I loved the, of the bear chase thing, I thought that was going to work.

But the reality of it is, is I think people, we can't have the neighbors laugh this off and think they're in on the game of it. Because if we can't get away with a bear chase me, which I really thought was going to be the win. But if she's saying if there's a bear chase, it's front page news,

I'll tell you what, there's bears in Altadena. I live right in Pasadena. If a bear chases me, I'm not calling the police. It's not front page news. Yeah, that is, yeah. We're not talking about a grazily attack. You're saying, like, if I go on my backyard, we have raccoons and a raccoon kind of gets a fucking like, yarr at me.

I'm not calling the news. Yeah. I was nearly attacked by a raccoon. That's a wild statement. Okay. What if we did this? What if we did this? What if we call the local newspaper

and say there was a bear chase? I mean, I'm really into it. What if we get bear costume, we video the chase and we send it to news? And then if anyone finds out, they realize they're living next to a psycho. I have an idea. I have an idea, actually.

I have a passive-aggressive idea that's bitchy, annoying, but pointed. Don't clean up all the garbage when it gets in your yard. You don't want the bear back. Shovel the bear shit, throw it right at their doorstep. Whoever is garbage it is, right outside of their door, there's just a bunch of bear shit. Or smear it on the lid of the trash. Right, because, but here, what I'm looking for here is, I cleaned up your garbage again, but by you fucking up, this bear shit, bringing bear here, that's your responsibility.

So I'm going to put it right near the driver's side door of the car all over the ground so you can't get into the car. You have to go like, oh, this fucking bear shit all over here. Then you go, yeah, because you left the garbage out. And then if that doesn't work, you put all the garbage that was theirs, shovel it right by, their driver's side door of their car, especially if one of them has to go to the work in the morning, and on top of it, like a fucking cherry on top of a Sunday,

all the bear shit. I like it. I like that a lot. Fucking, I'm not. Would you actually do that in terms of liking it? I would, but probably in the cover of night. Great. No.

Fine. You kind of want to have confrontation. No, I think that's right. I don't, yeah, I don't think you want, that's aggressive, aggressive. If you walk into your neighbor's yard and put shit on their car, passive aggressive is you sneak and do it. Would you, this is a real question here, Aaron,

and this is make or break if we lock in on this pitch. Would you film yourself putting the garbage on their yard and the bear shit? So if you get caught, you say, they go, what are you doing? You go, I'm doing this for a podcast. Yeah, no, I would totally film that for sure. Because that is something I would. would love to hear just even like the breathing and like the shoveling at the end of this episode. Just like that.

And then going like when Aaron, I want to hear Aaron go like this. Oh my God. It's a big pile of bear shit. I mean, what Jake is asking for, I think, and I would love is a GoPro on the head, POV. But if we can't get that, just a distant film. I got that one. I live in a ski town, of course.

Aaron, please. Blare with us. And talk about everything while it's happening. It's a big pile of shit. This is another. This is from the baby. Enjoy your corvette. I would gladly film it.

Okay, so is this something you're going to do next garbage attack? Yes, next garbage attack, I'm on it. Aya, your thoughts. I'm all in. I love this. I love this. I think this is the right choice. You found, you know what?

I'm realizing you found the thing she wants to do. Yes. Because we needed you to say the petty bitch, this is what she wants. That's most important. Well, that's the premise of this show. That's the premise of this show. That's the premise of this show. I should listen.

It's not about us. It's about the callers. Yes. And you have listened, I. We know this. We know you're playing it off like you're not. Huge fan. Huge fan, obviously.

Huge fan. So, Aaron, what are you going to do? Walk us through it. I'm definitely, next time I get this mess in my yard, which probably won't be long. So the bears are hibernating supposedly right now, but they came out. for Christmas, so I'm pretty sure they're going to be continuing to

be feast and shit everywhere. And so just do me a fair, just because you got that great accident, that great voice, really narrate what you're doing while you're cleaning. Don't be afraid to over-talk. Okay. Just kind of say what you see kind of thing. All right. No inner thoughts.

Yeah, I'm on it. Okay, great. And then if you could send us that, we will post it along and we'll, you know, put the whole pixel the face out. Yeah, well, it's going to be a GoPro. Oh, well, P-O-V. So remember, not on your face, P-O-V. We don't want just our face, though.

Part of me does. Yeah, I was about to say. Part of me wants that challenge, Jake. Yeah, I agree. Enjoy your bears shit. Or if I do a switch-around. Yeah, by the way, a couple switch-rons would be fun. Hey, look, just coverage would be great.

Get a medium, a wide. Do you have a crane? We love to dolly it. No, that's great. I think that's a real win. Yeah. And then follow up with us because there might be some reaction from the neighbors. And if there is, call us before you do anything.

And we'll talk you through and we'll come up with a good plan. And worst case scenario, we'll as a show, write a letter. We'll pretend to be the city. Yeah, I mean, you think a bear attack makes the news. We can get to the news. up for this. Yeah, we can get to the local news. But we have to keep it passive-aggressive. Yes.

No, I think this is the perfect blend of passive and aggressive. I do too. We're happy you're happier in this one. Aaron, thank you for the call. Thank you, Aaron. Thank you, guys. This episode has been brought to you by the great quince. Let me tell you a little bit about Quince clothing. Really everything I wear that I love is

Quince. The black t-shirt that I got from Quince I've been wearing for all my press. Quince shines. I mean, it's premium fabrics, considered design, everyday essentials. It feels effortless to wear dependable, even as the seasons change. I highly recommend the t-shirts for men and for ladies, but I just say men because I'm a gentleman. Whatever you want, lightweight cashmere sweaters, short-sleeved Mongolian cashmere polos, linen bottoms, and shorts, and they only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. Thousands of people who are wearing it every day.

The point is I could go on and on. Right now, go to quince.com slash here to help for free shipping. and 365-day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will. Now available in Canada, too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to Quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash here to help for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash here to help.

And we are brought to you by HelloFresh. Nothing hits like home cooking. And HelloFresh makes it easy to do more of it. This year with recipes that don't just feel good. They taste delicious night after night. Bring everyone together with meals that are simple and rewarding on a busy weeknight. Keep it simple. Keep it easy.

Choose from more than 100 recipes every week, including cuisines from around the world. You could choose from 35 high protein recipes each week, new Mediterranean and GLP1 friendly recipes. Impress guess or treat yourself with new grass-fed steak ribyes. Make meals with seasonal produce like pears, apples, asparagus. When you're done, you're surprised you did it. So go to hellofresh.com slash here to help 10 FM to get 10 free meals. And a freeze willing knife, which is $144.99 value on your third box. Offer valid while supplies less.

Free meals applied as discount on first box, new subscribers only varies by plan. Hello. Hi. Hi. What's your name, please? I'm Rachel. Hi, Rachel. Where are you calling from?

Minneapolis, Minnesota. Beautiful, beautiful. And Rachel, how old are we talking about? I turned 30 in a couple weeks on the 25th. That's great. Good for you. Well, Rachel, I'm not going to lie. You've got Jake, you've got myself, but that's not going to make headlines.

What is going to make headlines is we have a Broadway actress, the great Aya Cash, is on the list of all. To join. Just turn that who into one to ooh. That's right. That's merch. That's merch. So, Rachel, what is going on?

Okay. So, like many people, I joined a fantasy football league this year. And obviously, that takes a lot of effort and work to get to the championship weekend. If you've ever been part of a fantasy football league before, it's a lot of care and dedication. Got to make sure you set your lineups every week. And this fantasy football league that I joined is a group of family friends. So it's mostly like my parents' friends and they're kind of connected through my younger brother, like their age group, his buddies and then those parents, like they all became friends.

So I'm close to this group. Like I know all these people, like we've spent time together over the years, but they're not like my best closest friends. So throughout the time of the season, you know, there's some friendly banter happening in the group chat and all the things. But it gets to championship weekend and I'm like feeling great. I've had a great season. Dejan Robinson is my guy. And we get to the last day and I now have a 1% chance of winning. Like I completely dropped like the percentages just went so low.

So I'm like super bummed, like probably not going to win. And then Monday night game comes around and Bijan absolutely goes off. And the person that I'm playing against, his team is not doing so great. So I'm like super pumped again, like trying to throw some banter in the chat to be like, guys, tune in. Great game happening. And I end up winning the whole league, which super exciting. Again, lots of work winning fantasy football.

Like you got to really be on top of it. But then my brother, who is the commissioner of the league, sends out a text like congratulating me like Rachel's the winner and I send a little like yay to the fans. Thank you for all the support. You know, again, trying to keep it friendly and light and fun. And I send my Venmo because everyone is supposed to pay me the winner $20. And I only received like a handful of people paying me the money. And the reason I need your help is because it's kind of like,

awkward because these are like my parents' friends, my brother's friends, his, like, their siblings and stuff. And of course, like, I know them all, but it's like, how do I ask them for money now? Like, we kind of already did the whole thing. But it's your money. Jake is the perfect person for this. This is crazy. Jake will show up a break knees. This is crazy.

I hate this. First of all, the league was run poorly. We just had this. Gareth and I, we were, we used to run. know, we didn't do fantasy football, but we did a whole betting league. The commissioner has to get the money first. I know.

You cannot ask people to pay later. It's insane. Asking losers for money is tough. Yeah, and guess you certainly hasn't paid me as the person I was playing against in the championship, just saying. Of course not.

Of course not. Yeah. So here's my first pitch, Rachel. First of all, you got anything jumps out. You seem to be a huge fantasy football fan. Yeah, I understood money at the end. I understand. I understand.

I'm a fan of his, yes. Also, I thought at first it was fancy football. And I was, like, I'm in a fancy football league. Yeah, so I'm going to be super helpful with this. But I do understand money. So I will say also, I have never played fantasy football. So I'm like you. I don't know the rules of it.

I've never been into it. I feel like it's the dungeons. and dragons occasion of football. I've had people where you're sitting there watching a game and they'll go like, Jesus, Alan Robinson with the catch, he's on my team. Oh, dude. And I go like, I, shut up.

That has absolutely. I'm watching a game. That has ruined it. Ruined public watchings. Dude, I'm wearing a ramp shirt, but I'm cheering for the Lions White because they're on my team. You don't have a team. It's tough for me because I got a root for Aaron Jones because he's on my team,

but he's played against my team. It fucking kills me, dude. I've got through defense. I don't know what you're talking. It really feels the same. My brother growing up always played Dungeons and Dragons with his buddies. And he was the older brother and I wasn't allowed to play. So I just have these memories of these like three guys being like,

well, I'm a warlock and a dragon. And me being like, what is this? This is not a cool Friday night. I agree. And now it's turned the whole NFL. You'll be at a bar. And it's all people just being like, oh, dude, I have him. I benched him.

I benched him. What was I thinking? I'll tell you another person who does it. that is Rob, Natalie's husband, St. Garith and I have a few texts being like, dude, I love this game. I benched him. Who cares?

I don't care. Who cares who you benched? This is Jake's way of getting him off that text. I got to say, I got to say I'm going to go opposite view here, knowing nothing about fantasy football. But I do love like small community, like people investing in shit that doesn't matter really intensely.

And like bonding and creating your own language around. it. Like, I honestly think, like, it's not, when it's dealing with even assholes who aren't paying you your money, like, it's creating community. And I'm for that. You're for, as a bold political statement, you are for community. Guys, cancel me. Cancel. It's worth it. No, I'm not afraid to be myself here. I love fancy football. And I'm not afraid to scream at a lot. By the way, I would put real money behind a league of fancy football and is the fanciest football players who during the game, like wide receivers,

where you're like, that dance, after catching was very fancy. You know what it would be? You know when they walk to the locker room, their outfits have become all the, like there's this whole thing. Fancy football is you get points for who you start with the outfits. But also certain players,

the way they're wearing their uniform these days with like the elbow gloves and the wrist gloves, you're like, it's getting fancy. It is fancy. So, but Rachel, this isn't about this, and it's not about chimps wearing masks to commit crimes. What? Oh, gosh.

This, they do. Jake. And the question I have for you, Gareth, is, how do they know to make their faces anonymous if they're not us? I just, I just, let's do the call. We can sidebar. Yeah, exactly. So, you know what, my first pitch to you, Rachel, is this.

Talk to me. We write a letter as a group signed by the four of us and this podcast, demanding the money come by a certain time or a threat. I'm pretty close to that myself. I was going to say one or two things. Add me to the group, and I'll write as an attorney that we need the money. We're not playing any games. But what we could also do, Jake, is if we write this.

Make a video? Would you have everybody's email? Oh, Jake, you know what we could do? We could definitely get it. Yeah, we could definitely get the email. We could do a video right now and send a video to everybody. I love it. Oh, my God, I would die.

Well, and like my brother loves you guys too. So I specifically didn't tell him about this because otherwise, I think he would have gone, you know, he would have gone and told everyone and it would have ruined the whole thing. I agree. I think that that definitely could work. But I also, I mean, the writing in as a lawyer is good vibes. The video always going to be fun and I think that would definitely work. Rachel, what do you think of if right now we made a video to the group that we could send as its own clip?

And you just send that and ask your brother to please send this to everybody. Yeah. I mean. And we don't mention. And we don't mention you. We almost do it in the vein of, hey, fantasy football people. Or how do you want, fancy football people? Yeah, sure.

But it's almost like, and I hate to say, Gareth is going to get annoyed, but the way Piggly and Mo used to do things, it's almost just a video the three of us are making. Sure. That you just send to the group. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think of that, Rachel?

Well, I did write in on my email. that if you guys can't help, pigley milk pigley and milk could help. So you did. They passed. They passed. Do you? Well, wet bucks and street drugs and water.

Water bra. So if that's the law firm, hi, we're street drugs, wet butt and water water bra. Attorneys at law. So if we make this video, Rachel,

will you have your brother sent it to everybody and will you then, how many people are in the league? I think it's probably like 15. people. 15. And how many people have paid right now? Like less than half.

Okay. Are you talking about six? Yeah. The numbers matter to me. Okay. Fair enough. Six. Okay.

So double check that. So if we got, in terms of a bell ring, if we got 13 of the 15 to pay, you feel like it was, you want 15 out of 15? Yes. All right. You're right.

It's $20. What if Jake pays the extra that we don't get? Oh, that's $15. All the money's going to come in that, I have. That's right. Jake will be showing up at doorsteps. Hey, hey, pal. What the fuck?

You love Minneapolis, I hear. You come on over. It's fucking freezing out here, you son of a big. John. Send to $20 bucks. You're $20. My flight costs $1,000. So, Rachel, here's what we're going to do.

If we don't get to 15 out of 15 by February 1st, the show's going to pay you. Oh, my God. Amazing. And then what we're going to do is we are going to follow up with these people indefinitely. And it's going to be, we're going to be a collection agency. I was going to say, Jake, we could have John put some sort of lawyer letterhead together. We will. By the way, what we're going to do, Rachel, is we will take your debt right now.

Oh, my gosh. So now it's our problem. It's our debt. I'm going to call the show. Rachel, you're going to get fully reimbursed. You're going to get whatever. Tell us how many you done. You are now covered.

It is our debt. It is not your debt. Oh, Jake. We are going to make a video right now. And Gareth and this is our debt. New stakes. It was actually a $100 buy-in, actually. Not 20.

Get it. Right. Stop it. You're losing us, Rachel. No, that's awesome. I love it. So what is the name of this league? Okay, so it's the BFS league.

Because nobody knows each other? No, exactly. The three families, their last names, like our last name's B, starts with a B. And then the other two, their last name starts with F. So it's B. And Rachel, how could they pay you? Because you can't ask for money without a specific way of payment. Venmo's perfect.

So what is your Venmo name? And we can beat this out. Okay, great. By the way, it's like, might be okay to keep it on it. What's worst case scenario? Someone's like, here's $10. I don't want to Venmo me, sure. Okay, fine.

We won't keep it out. Thank you. Who wants to send Rachel in Minneapolis's money. we're not stopping you, but it's just crazy decision. We get half, though. We took your debt. Okay, what's your Venmo name? Oh, yeah, I'm trying to just make sure that I get it right.

And now, of course, it's not letting me log in. I think it's just Rachel. I don't think here. Rachel dash Dennis, B-A-N-I-S. D-A-N-I-S? D-A-N-I-S? D, as in dog. Okay.

A, N as a Nancy, I, S. Okay. Okay. So Rachel dash Danis. Okay, one side, it's getting me, it's getting me. And then dash zero one. Okay. And is the dash an underscore, just a dash?

Just a, your classic dash. Is it a picture of you with a coffee? It's about coke, but yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah, that's who you. Okay. Okay, so let's... Guys, let's make a video.

We're trying to get everybody in the BFF League to pay Rachel the money they owe. We need this by, you know... You can say my birthday, that'd be a good day. January 25th. That's a couple weeks. January 25th. Yep. I'm really showcasing a lot of my personal information here.

Yeah, for money. What's your social security? Identity stolen. Honestly, some guys just... He's like, she's a fucking idiot. Logging in right now. There we are. All right.

Okay, so also my social security is 391. I'm with Chase. Okay, so Gareth, do you want to start us, introduce our group? Sure. And then I jump in whenever you feel like it. Let's try to make this whole thing under a minute and a half. Okay. How does that feel?

All right. Mm-hmm. Ready? Hello, people of the BFF fantasy slash fancy football league. You have Jake Johnson, IACASH, and myself, Gareth Reynolds here today to talk about a very serious issue, which is paying your fantasy football debts. Area? What happens when you don't pay your debts?

Think about it. Well, what happens? I don't know. I pay all my debts, because I'm a good person. Exactly, I am. But what happens? if you don't. Well, what happens if you don't is you're publicly humiliated on a very, very popular podcast.

You listen to it. And that's where we're at right now, folks. Six out of the 15 of you have paid Rachel your $20 fee. We're not talking about a lot of money. We're talking about $20. But we are talking about something more important than that, and that is if you sign up for a league with a fee, pay the fee. It's insane.

This is garbage. I think the whole thing here is that if you do win a league, the last thing you want is to have your winner's circle moment spent worrying about where that money is. Begging. Especially on your birthday. So we as a show, we have taken over Rachel's debt. So she's paid up. So it's not her problem.

It's our problem. It's America's problem. It's one guy in Greenland's problem. It's a couple people in Thailand. Who make a lot of money. Who need that money back? Hold on, Iya. I just stick to the plan.

Iya, stick to the plan. Sorry, sorry. I don't think the right move is to be like, hey, these rich people took on the debt. She's right. Let's start over from the beginning. Let's start over.

You're right. Start over. And three, two, one, Gareth. Oh, BFF Fantasy Football League. Great to meet you. My name's Gareth Reynolds, joined by Jake Johnson from the hit podcast. We're here to help.

And also, I, I, Cash. That's right. She's on Broadway. And we're here to talk about a very serious issue today, which is paying the winner when you don't win the fantasy football league. Aya? You know, I once didn't pay a debt. And I can't walk now. That's true.

I can't tell the story because it's a legal issue. But if you want to be able to walk, you pay your debts. And that's the lesson I learned. Are you threatening them? I'm not threatening because I'm a small person and apparently can't walk anymore really back to myself in the corner of there. But I got people in Minneapolis

because I studied at the Guthrie Theater. Beautiful place. I know people. I know actors. And you know what actors can do? Act. Act tough. You can get a bunch of actors acting tough. So if you don't want people from the Guthrie theater

coming and threatening and very resonant voices, then maybe you should pay your debt. Let's start over one more time. Aya, will you start us? And start us with the Guthrie's theater. I think we hit something good. Right.

But let's just start with that tone you're on and see what happens. Normally I ask for sag minimum for improv, but today I'm giving it for free. And you know why? Because Rachel has already been ripped. off. So we're working for her today. My name's Iy Cash, and I'm here to ask for some cash from all of you at the BFF fancy fantasy football league. I'm trained as an actor. You

might not be able to tell right now, but normally I'm pretty good at this. And I went to school in Minneapolis at the Guffield Theater. A place that doesn't train you for improv, but does for Shakespeare. So I'll be doing a monologue after the show to prove my worth. Let's hear a little bit of it now. Something from midsummer would be great. I played Hermia once. And Pertida.

Also, Helena Pertida's from another show. This feels crazy. You know what? This is just for Rames. Rachel, so I'm not going to give it to you here. Okay. But if you want to see it, you can pay her back, and I will give you a monologue. I'm not on cameo, but I will cameo for you.

I would say let's not offer that because we are just trying to recoup. Right? Rachel, Rachel, help. I think what everyone's trying to say is pay the money to Rachel. Okay. Let's go one more time from the start. Let's confirm seven people. Seven people have paid.

Seven had paid so far. Okay. Thank you for confirming that. So we need eight. I need that. I do need that and I really appreciate that. I'm going to get us started really fast. Let's just see what happens.

Three, two, Bigley, and, hey, BFF Football League. We were brought in by Rachel Danis, D-A-N-I-S-0-1. That's her Venmo. she hasn't been paid by eight out of the people in this league seven of you have so you guys are off the hook you play a fantasy league you should pay of course so this is really to the eight remaining

this isn't a threat although I what were you saying about your training oh I just mentioned that I happened to study at the Guthrie Theater so I know quite a few actors in the town of Minneapolis and the Twin Cities who could possibly show up your door and act real tough if the debt is not paid back. But that's not a threat.

No, it's just what's reality. Gareth, you got anything to say? Yeah, I got a threat. Listen, you're not going to pay? Yeah, you are. You're going to pay in one way or another. We're not playing any more games. Give Rachel the money. It was all fun when you were making your little fake team. Now that it's the real world, you got a problem? Rachel dash Danis dash 01. Thank you. What do you think, Rachel? Let's get some real notes on this. No, I'm... But what do you really think of that one if it goes out to everybody?

What we're trying to get is eight out of 15 people seeing it. Yep. And going, yeah, I owe the $20 on Venmo. Not going. That was fun. True. No, I think the threats really do that for us. Okay.

I like the acting tough. That was a great. you know, great pitch by the three theater folks that we're going to rally up to knock on the doors. I think that's great. Yeah, no, I'm loving all of this. You guys are doing great. I want to do

one more, actually. Sorry. If everybody's okay with that. Yes. Okay. Hey, everybody in the BFF League. This is about the end of the league. Rachel Danis has called into our podcast. We're here to help. And it's about

we were doing an episode about paying your dues at the end and people who join leagues and finally getting the payment out. So what we're hoping for is those who haven't paid, please pay. Rachel, is there anything you would like to say? Well, y'all, I think you know that this is a really grueling fancy football league. We all are obsessed with football and, you know, making sure our lineups are set, even though I basically beat every single one of you pretty handily throughout the whole season came to the championship

weekend and Bezon Robinson he really came through for me and sorry Nick. I'm just didn't do it for you and I think it's time. Okay, Rachel, let's lock into the, yeah, go ahead. There's an overall message. There's a little shit. What's happening what we just learned is there's some shit talking. So I think part of the people who people aren't paying

is they're like, she got nasty. It's a friend league. It's, I'm 70. I'm on an Android phone. This one girl's mean. She's talking shit in her plea for money. I don't want to give her money. She's mean to me. Okay, okay, I'll try again.

I'll try again. I'll try again. Okay. Well, you do this run with her so we can add a little bit of Guthrie training a little bit there. See if you guys can do this. You want me to coach her?

No, be in it with her. And by the way, just for the record, Rachel, when you say fantasy, it definitely sounds like fancy. Yeah. Oh, God. Okay. And let's, Rachel, let's see if we get this whole thing.

done in a minute. Three, two, let's do it. Hey guys, Rachel here. Part of your fantasy football league. Supported by Ayakash, Broadway actress. Yes. And I haven't received all the money and I really love you guys. And I know everyone has their stuff.

It's the holidays. And, you know, I just was hoping you could pay me when I'm owed for winning because it was a big win. So, yeah. Hey, Rachel, isn't it your birthday coming up? Oh, my gosh. It's my birthday coming up. I'm about to turn 30.

Oh, my God, 30 is a big deal. It is. Yeah, you know, it would be a nice, nice gift for you as if all your friends who you had a really good time playing this league with, just, you know, paid with their own. Yeah, it'd be the perfect gift.

How could they pay you, Rachel? On Venmo. Yeah, Rachel, dash, Danis. dash zero one on Benmo, $20. Just easy, 20 bucks, what you owe me. It'd be great. I mean, thoughts. I, yeah.

I mean, how do you feel, Rachel? I think we've got options. I think that's a pretty good, that's the most concise one. Yeah, we definitely have options. I kind of like the mean one. It's an interesting, you've got that, it's really coming out.

We're understanding more how this happens. You want one nasty one, Mitchell and then we'll get off. We'll send you clips of that one and the nasty one and then you pick. Yeah. That sounds great. Okay. So the floor is going to be yours.

Make sure you say your Venmo address. And again, the show covers it if you don't get it. So be yourself here. All right. And we will send you that last one and we will send you this one. And then you're going to decide. Great. Perfect.

Three, two. Good luck. Listen here, everybody. You owe me some money. My memo is Rachel dash Dennis dash zero one. This league was grueling. It was tough. I beat all of you guys throughout the whole season and none of you are going to pay me.

Come on. I deserve it. 20 bucks. By my birthday. January 25th. I'm turning 30. Send me the money. Or else.

I kind of thought that was great, actually. That was perfect. You know what I love? You know what I love? No notes. This started with us being like, we'll do it for you. you and now she's just dropping a video to all these people. We slowly, incrementally got her there,

and she's like, fuck you, Jordan. But by the way, if I got that email, I'd be like, fuck her, but I would send the 20 bucks. Yeah. No, no, I'm scared again. Rachel, you can't be, so we're going to send you the last two. Yeah, you pick. But you pick, but that last one's real.

It's pretty good. Yeah. It's pretty good. From a heart. And you also want to get paid. I mean, this is going to get you paid. We want to get paid. You promise no matter what you will send one of them and send a screen grab of people's responses.

Please. Not just your brothers, but I want one of those older people with the green phones. I want to hear how they respond to this. Will you send, you promise either this one or the second to last one? Of course. Yes, I promise. And then you're going to send us the money. Yeah, we'll be ringing the bell.

I feel it. after the 25th, call back in, we'll do a follow-up, we'll find out how many did, and then we'll cover the remainder. By the way, I'm not above...

What we might end up doing is calling people. I was just going to say, not above doing a one-on-one call a couple times to really shake the tree. We will shake the tree until we get 15 out of 15.

Okay? I love it. Thank you guys so much. You guys are awesome. Thank you. Thank you, Rachel. Allia, thank you for joining our podcast.

Thank you, Ayah. Great work. All your training has paid off. There's a reason. Broadway. Just got easier. Come see, giant. We're here to help people.

Krista from Pennsylvania here. I just have to tell you a little story. I was on my way to pick up my daughter from school yesterday. You know, before I have to switch it to Tate McCrane, Olivia Dean, when she's gets in the car listening to the tow orgy episode as some jackass pulls out in front of me on the way and then there's a right turn that normally I would take to avoid the red lights and the stop signs and the traffic in town but this jackass went that way and I didn't want to be behind him anymore so I went straight finding myself at the exact moment that you guys started talking about it find myself passing

the house of the kid that rumor had it put peanut butter on his junk in high school and had his dog lick it off right as you guys started talking about it. And I find out that it's all a lie. Craziness. Just had to share. Love your podcast. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash Here to Help Pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions.

Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelicki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help

is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.