We're Here to Help - 275: Moooooove On & No, Sassy, No! (with Luke and Sassy Scott)

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

Luke and Sassy Scott join Jake and Gareth to whip some callers into shape. First, they set boundaries with a cow-loving boss. Then, they get into the smut business.New episodes of "Luke and S...assy Scott Podcast" drop Wednesdays wherever you get your podcasts! It's chaos that brings you joy. No filter, zero shame, and nothing is off limits, with listener stories and voice notes driving the chaos every week. If you like comedy with a bit of heart and a lot of unhinged honesty, this is it.Want to call in? Email your question to helpfulpod@gmail.com.PATREON: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmWatch episodes early Sundays and Tuesdays on Hulu.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. So we are here with Luke and Sassy Scott from the podcast. Luke and Sassy Scott, is that correct? Yeah. And we met you guys. Years ago, we were all in the Burt Kreischer podcast house. Yes.
Starting point is 00:00:51 Oh, yes. You guys were leaving and we were coming, and we were in that weird house with, like, two kitchens. And the dogs RIP to one of these dogs now, but they were fucking, I don't know if they were, like, homophobic or... They are. Famously. There it is.
Starting point is 00:01:10 Because I walked in, I was like, that fucking dog's going to kill me. It was just eyeing me off the whole time. And I'm like, I'm in Hollywood, I'm at birds a place, and fucking Jake Johnson's here, what the hell is going on? But the whole time this dog was just like looking at me like, you're mine, bitch. What were you doing back? Trying not to make eye contact. Usually I stare anything down, but one of those dogs, I was like, do not look.
Starting point is 00:01:37 One's an animal. I don't believe in the bullshit where they're like, dogs can tell if you're a good person or bad person. Sometimes dogs are just weird. Some dogs have a good read. Other dogs, you're like, you're just bullying, and now I'm at this guy's house, and everyone's partying. I don't like you.
Starting point is 00:01:53 You don't like me. But you might bite me and I don't feel comfortable around you. I want that dog out of here. God did that. Everything nearly thinks of Scott and I, because I ignored Scott's dogs. It was put into a contract that I had to start patting them
Starting point is 00:02:08 when I arrived at these house. You swear to God? Mm-hmm. That was in a contract? Luke, walk. Look, please walk me through that. When it got really bad for Scott and I, he'd like just started pulling its straws,
Starting point is 00:02:22 just being like, you don't do this, you don't do that. Then he goes and gets a lawyer. He writes his whole thing. It's got like all these points on one of them, how I disrespect his dogs, and I don't acknowledge them when I walk in. And it, you live in the house. But lawyer-wise, how serious is the lawyer?
Starting point is 00:02:41 You paid an actual lawyer? Scott or this is like a friend of yours. Categorically paid a lawyer. And the lawyer wrote in the contract that Luke has to patch your dog on its head when he comes to your house. Acknowledge and Pat, because he knew it was the one way to get under my skin and it did get under my skin.
Starting point is 00:02:59 They would be excited to see their uncle, right? They'd be like, oh look, it's Uncle Luke. How you're done? And he'd go, move. These dogs are always just jumping at me. And I'm like, acknowledge them. Say hello and then they'll go on about their day. Anyway, we blew up one day, enough was enough. And then I was like, you want to stay living in my house?
Starting point is 00:03:17 These are the term. That's a turn. Luke, I didn't realize you were living in his house. Yeah, exactly. That's a turn. Oh, you paid. Okay, so you rented a place. Scott, that is different.
Starting point is 00:03:29 This is a bit of a tennis match. Yeah. Okay, let me then just trump it again. Oh, God, sorry. Let me. So, Luke is going to be a lie. Well, hold on, Luke. As Scott's lawyer, I would like to hear what he has to say.
Starting point is 00:03:46 Scott, go ahead, sir. So, Luke was paying probably a quarter of the price, living in one of the nicest homes in Melbourne with a pool during COVID. And, yeah, like, out of everyone he asked to move in with, we said, sure, you can come live with us, you little. That's kind of you. Yeah. And then, Luke, your rebuttal.
Starting point is 00:04:06 Luke's finger just did a lot of work. My rebuttal is the most rent I've ever paid in my life. I was doing it. As a healthcare worker where I had a fuck off. And if I never. Fuck off is right. That is not the scouts responsibility. I like the way to muddy the waters there with like, I was a health care worker.
Starting point is 00:04:25 And who cares it's the most you've ever paid? That the most you've ever paid in Malibu. I'm not going to pay rent this much. How come? It's way more than I've ever paid. I'm not used to it. I'm not used to that amount of money. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:04:41 That's a you problem, not a me. Go turn some tricks on a corner if you need more cash. So you guys had a big blowout. This was in 2000. I kind of remember when. And it got ugly, and you said, I'd like you to stay, but we need to go through a lawyer. And Luke, what was your thought when your brother pulled a lawyer on you to stay? If my brother, Dan, pulled a lawyer on me and made me sign a contract, I'd lose my mind.
Starting point is 00:05:05 Well, it was the start of everything kind of blowing up for us. And I'm like, you want to stop it all because I'm not patting your dogs that scratch and piece on me. It's like a pack. There's three of them and they just run and jump. It's so hard, not coming in cold into this problem, it's so hard to tell the actual emotional tenor of where you two were at. I feel like I'm pretty close into it. I feel like this was very real, very heated. There were two really intense sides.
Starting point is 00:05:33 Just a picture of a lawyer. At this point, I could kind of see both sides of it. What? That's okay. We'll leave it there then because you go all day with this guy. It was as easy as you can leave. You don't have to sign it. You don't have to agree to any of these two.
Starting point is 00:05:50 That's true. You can just go. However, I won because I didn't have to sign it. I was then, I got it down to only having to sign to one clause in the contract. Which was because we had to get a clause. What was the one clause? A therapy. We had to do a couple of therapy.
Starting point is 00:06:08 You're insane. So, Scott, what were all the clauses? Pat my dogs, go to therapy with me. What else? I reckon I could find the contract. I reckon it's somewhere in this room. I think it was like always wiping the benches and not leaving your shit out on a bench like for a while. Like, Joe being insane.
Starting point is 00:06:27 You had to make your bed every day. Like, because I hated his bedroom door being closed because there was just like a mold fest in there. So then that meant he had to clean the bed. Your brother creates a disgusting, moldy stink by existing. Yes. Luke your thoughts. And you wanted to be able to look in there and make sure he wasn't. Yeah, air it out.
Starting point is 00:06:48 Correct. Luke, you've started talking. By the way, Luke, I'm not with Scott on that. I just want to hear your thoughts. I was just... I want him to walk into one of your houses and then talk about what he's seen. Because my room was spotless. He can do that.
Starting point is 00:07:03 I have a gay hating dog. So that's not going to be an issue. Yeah. Attack him. If Scott, you came into my little chimpanzee office, you would die. So you are embracing the new title, Jake. Unfortunately, I've thought about it a lot. Gareth called my office a, what did you call it, a chimpanzee room or some?
Starting point is 00:07:20 Yeah, I called it the chimpanzee room. And Jake was like, it's an office, first of all. But now I'm like, no, it's actually just a weird chimpanzee room. And I'm too old for this and it's humiliated. But you would have the same feelings about Luke, about his disgusting room. You know what? Our show is, actually. Gareth is our Scott, I'm our Luke
Starting point is 00:07:38 I think What a, that's a Scott P-O-V right there. No, by the way, look at us, Gareth, with your hair, with Scott's hair, with the new tattoo. This is us. My new tattoos. God, how's your tattoo?
Starting point is 00:07:53 Let's take the call. I don't think there's anything wrong with being main character. And it is, so I take that as a compliment if I were you, Garrett. It is a compliment. And by the way, Scott, I agree with you. It is a compliment.
Starting point is 00:08:03 So we might be more aligned than I originally thought. It is a compliment. Thank you. And, Luke, I don't know it does. And, Luke, you smell weird, man. I don't know why. Who cares? We just got to embrace it. I agree. It's a little stinky. You care.
Starting point is 00:08:20 It's a little stinky. All right. I'm being stinky. All right. And we were brought to you by Walden University. So for over 50 years, a half century, Walden University has helped working adults turn ambition into action through flexible distance learning. And today our mission, I'm including myself in that, is to provide access to education for professionals ready to level up and create real change.
Starting point is 00:08:48 Walden is where students get the W. Those big and small wins that help them move forward and create the change they want to see in their lives, their careers and their communities. I think when people think of going to university or going back to university or whatever it is, They go, oh, I don't have time for that. That's what Walden is able to do. They give you tempo learning, which is where you're in control. So there's no set weekly deadlines. There's no rigid schedule.
Starting point is 00:09:14 Just a lot of flexibility to progress and get your degree in your own timeline, however you want. With graduate degrees in nursing, social work, counseling, and psychology, as well as undergrad and certificate programs, Walden empowers students with the skills and the confidence to get it done. If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it. Head to waldenu.edu and take the first step. Walden University set a course for change, certified to operate by Skeff. This episode of the podcast we're here to help is brought to you by Butcher Box. Winter routines are fading.
Starting point is 00:09:53 Your calendar is filling back up. It's harder to eat. It's harder to eat healthy. It's harder to eat responsibly. But that's what Butcher Box is offering you. I love the chicken. That's what I really do the most. I've been doing meal prep with it because I'm the kind of human meal preps now apparently. Delivers whole responsibly sourced protein options. We're talking no antibiotics, no added hormones, no additives, clean fuel that makes feeling lighter, sharper, and more energized a whole lot easier.
Starting point is 00:10:22 So if you're leaning into feeling stronger, clear, and a little more put together before summer sneaks up, starts with what's on your plate if you want results and you want energy, Butcher Box focuses on those clean proteins like we were saying. And trust us for over a decade, Butcher Box has led the industry with meat and seafoods that's antibiotic, hormone-free, and independently verified, because when it comes to fueling your body, clean whole protein means better support for strength,
Starting point is 00:10:48 metabolism, and that steady all-day energy, we're all chasing. And as an exclusive offer, new listeners can get their choice between chicken breast or top sirloin for a year or ground beef for life. That's right, your choice of chicken breast or top sirline for a year or ground beef for life. That's crazy. Plus $20 off your first box and free shipping always. That's butcherbox.com slash here to help. Don't forget to use our links so they know we sent you.
Starting point is 00:11:20 Butcherbox.com slash here to help. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, we love Squarespace. We use Squarespace on the show. I use Squarespace in my real life. All my websites. I have a bunch of them. They've been doing it for a long time.
Starting point is 00:11:38 I've been working with Squarespace for a while because they are the best. It's how you build your own brand. They give you all the tools. They also give you ways to showcase what you're offering to people so that when people come to the website, they go, oh, whoa, this person's legitimate. So my personal website, garrathorrennors.com, Squarespace, my film, give itupfilm. dot com square space uh every everything is uh squarespace they have it all they just keep growing and getting better because they know they're dominating and they know they're the only place to go so they
Starting point is 00:12:11 keep offering everything so go to squarespace dot com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use offer code gill sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain hello hello how are you Good. How are you? Good. Can we get your first name, please? Yes, it's Ellie. Ellie? So I'm going to tell you right now, Ellie. You're in for a crazy one, and here's what I need you to do. Do not be afraid to jump in and make your voice heard. We got two really funny guys with us, okay? And Gareth and I are big talkers, too. So, Ellie, fight to be heard. You're the youngest child right now, and it's a big dinner.
Starting point is 00:12:54 Okay. Okay. All right. So what is, where are you calling from? Boston, Massachusetts. Ah, Boston. And tell us a little bit about, what are you saying, Scott? Weston. Perfect accent. By the way, accent-wise, you and Jake might be aligned, I think.
Starting point is 00:13:14 You and I might be brothers with the accents. So, Ellie, tell us a little bit about yourself before we get in the problem. What's something about you that's a little interesting? Oh, oh, geez. My dream is to open a mini golf, please. That's shocking. That's shocking. So you are here, I love that.
Starting point is 00:13:41 Mini golf is the dream. Probably going to get to that later. You are here with Gareth and I, and then you are here with Luke and Sassy Scott. Two guys we've now known for a couple of years. Very funny, guys. I'm really happy they're here. They're from the Luke and Sassy Scott podcast.
Starting point is 00:13:57 Say hello, gentlemen. Good night. Hi, Ali. I think it'll be. great. You sound like a great person, Ali. I'd love to come play mini golf with you one day. Oh, you're a nightmare. You are such a suck. He can come and play mini golf with you any day. I'm going to have to pass. But just remember this letter, Ali. The first guy who was very likable and sweet to you is our Luke. And the other one was our sassy Scott.
Starting point is 00:14:23 Surprise, surprise. You knew that. So, Ellie, what is the issue today? So I'm having a problem at work. I work in IT finance, which is important for context. I'm a remote worker, and my whole team is remote. We're scattered across the country. So last summer, I got a new boss, and he's a great guy. But he lives in Georgia. He lives, like, in a really remote rural part of Georgia on a farm.
Starting point is 00:14:53 And for the first couple of months, we really didn't work together closely because of, like, the whole transition period. but a couple months ago we did start working closely together. We meet three times a week for 15 minutes, and it's supposed to be just a quick catch-up on my work items or any roadblocks that I'm having. But unfortunately, this increased communication coincides with an event in his personal life where he,
Starting point is 00:15:19 because he lives on a farm, he decided to purchase a cow. And so our meetings have become just straight cow talk. again, they're only supposed to be 15 minutes, but at first it was lasting, you know, 45 minutes, 50 minutes. The wave has the meeting time and no work was getting done and we are just talking about cows. And it's really just him like he talks nonstop. And I thought, you know. One second. One second.
Starting point is 00:15:49 Scott, your thoughts, sir. What the fuck? Hang up. I'll be back to you, please. Yeah, initially, I thought he was just, like, really excited and it would die down, but it hasn't. It's gotten worse. How does it gotten worse? You mean, it's just longer, more boring, endless?
Starting point is 00:16:13 I would say it's like, I think it's really, and this is kind of my concern, I think it's a storytelling style. He gets like a minute by minute, like time stamps. Like, he leaves no details to the imagination. The cow gave birth. and that was a whole situation. And so, like, I learned a lot about cow births. I'm sorry, Ellie, one second.
Starting point is 00:16:33 Scott, your thoughts? Ellie, have you ever told somebody or asked somebody what you want in your life? In general? No. I don't think so. This is a problem. Okay, Ellie, back to you. Well identified.
Starting point is 00:16:53 So you're saying she's a bit of a pushover, huh? I'm not saying she's a pushover, but we're going to encourage her. and get her to find her voice before she hangs up to know how to go, you're fucking with my time now. Two things in this world you don't fuck with me. It's my time and my money, and I won't fuck with yours. This is your boss, right?
Starting point is 00:17:11 Yeah. So Scott, this is her boss, Scott? Yeah, but it doesn't matter. She still has to get the amount of work done for the rest of the day in that amount of time that he's just taken from her. Okay, well, look, this isn't a bad. I like what you're doing. This is the first pitch.
Starting point is 00:17:25 So, before, Ellie, obviously Scott's coming in hard. and he's saying there's a confrontation here. I don't know if that's my pitch yet. It's early, but I think it's interesting. I will say he's polishing off the end of a coffee, so some of this might be bean energy. We don't know. But it's not the wrong sentiment.
Starting point is 00:17:45 But so, Ellie, it's not wrong, but will you give us the official question and what can we do to help you today? Yeah. No, that's not wrong. And I would say, I don't think it's really, interest with my work. Like I'm still getting worse done.
Starting point is 00:18:01 I'm just really bored and over listening to the cow talk. So I guess like my overall question is how do I respectfully make the cow talk stop? Yeah. And sometimes it's not even cow story. Sometimes it's like cow facts because he's never owned a cow. So he's doing a lot of research. It's boring. So let's do this really fast if everybody's okay.
Starting point is 00:18:25 Can we just have Scott and Ellie talk for a second? Scott, just say whatever you really feel that she needs to do here. And Ellie, just take all this in and we will too and we'll get a sense of what's going on. And Scott, be kind. Look, I don't think that's true. I think, I would say as your other brother, do whatever you want. This affects both of us. No, it doesn't, Luke.
Starting point is 00:18:49 You're no longer living in his house. You sign the contract. You got to pet his dogs and pay full rent. Scott, what would you like to say to Ellie? Ali, you and everybody in your team is replaceable. Don't sit around not being the person you wish you wanted to be because one day you could be let go and you go, holy shit, the last two years I listened to that dick,
Starting point is 00:19:15 talk about his cow instead of doing what I wanted. So next time you jump on a meeting, you're going to send him an email and you're going to say, hey, listen, I want 10 minutes with you before our typical agenda of meeting style kicks off. And then he's going to get on 10 minutes early. He's going to be like, shit, she's going to resign. And you're going to maybe give him a little bit of fear that if you did leave his team,
Starting point is 00:19:36 he's fucked. He's got no one to talk about his cows with anymore. But you're going to say, I'm going to compromise with you. From now on, our 15-minute meetings, I'm going to give you the first five minutes to download everything, cow talk with me. But then we've got to move on to the rest of business. Because you know what? Cows out my animals.
Starting point is 00:19:54 I'm a fucking bird person. So unless you're willing to give me talk about. birds for two hours after you talk about your cow, then I'm out. I've got so much fucking work to do. I respect that you want to live on a farm. More power to you, bro, but you got five minutes each meeting.
Starting point is 00:20:11 Very interesting, actually, saying five minutes cows, five minutes birds, creating an animal you care about Luke? Five minutes of birds. She's going to be like, also they love nests. I don't know if you know that.
Starting point is 00:20:25 But if she just bullshits about an animal too, And there's something I like a lot in that pitch. But go ahead, Jake. At first I thought it was just going to be abusive. But I actually think at the end, the five minutes to five minutes, you want to talk cow? Ellie, is there an animal that you like or is there? Oh, mini golf. It doesn't have to be cow to bird.
Starting point is 00:20:49 She can go, he can go, you know, the cow's about to give birth and you go, you know, I really want to do a nine hole. And he goes, you know, the cow, the problem with the birth is. if it happens incorrectly, it could hurt the cow, you go, you know, the problem, mini golf, what I really want is I want one of those dragons you shoot the ball and do. Just talk at the same time about what you like. That could work.
Starting point is 00:21:11 So, Luke, where are you at here? To be honest, I liked Scott's pitch. We rarely agree, but I think setting some time aside at the start to talk about anything you want, a bit of a debrief, then getting to work talk. And also saying, I want to know. Allie, do you ask? questions? Because you could be
Starting point is 00:21:30 to blame here. Interesting. There's truly not an opportunity. Like, it's non-stop. He's an idiot. Oh, he's steemrots. Your boss is an idiot. Yeah, he just rambles. Get another job. No, that's not.
Starting point is 00:21:46 We're pitching. Look. Stop it. Scott. Back to you, Garrett. I love America, 2026. Just find a better job. Now, we're going to stick with a job. We're going to stick with a job. Yeah, I think sticking with the job is right. Here's what I love about Scott's pitch that Luke is co-signing. If you say, if you start with cow talk, you can then preface it by saying, hey, you can be like, hey, I want to get into the meeting.
Starting point is 00:22:11 But before we do, give me the cow update. What's going on? He'll start with the cow stuff. And then you can segue right into the work shit. So then you've done cow talk. You're in the work shit. I think leaving it as the open-ended agenda piece is not doing you any favors. it can endlessly go.
Starting point is 00:22:28 I have a couple other ideas. One is set an alarm so that at the end of the meeting the alarm goes off and then you go, oh, shit. I'm sorry, I have something. But go ahead. Did this Steve Berg say the chicken just finished? I'm cooking a chicken. You know, you start the meeting?
Starting point is 00:22:43 Go, I just put a chicken in the oven. I got 15 minutes. Do you think we can cover everything in 15? Smart. It's only a 10-minute meeting. So he'll go, oh, yeah. Then he goes, one thing about the cow, go, I'm dying to hear about the cow, but I got a chicken cooking. Yeah, I've got a cow in the oven.
Starting point is 00:22:57 I'm cooking some hamburger I was going to say you could have a hamburger ready to go and when you're ready to wrap it up pull it into frame and just start eating the hamburger I do like the idea of going tit for tat with mini golf just endlessly talking about your mini golf trying to outbore him not that mini golf's boring
Starting point is 00:23:16 even though Scott had a very adverse reaction to your dream and the last one I was going to say is just one of these days just start crying Hmm Fake cry That's not bad actually Maybe lie about childhood trauma And say you're attacked by a cow
Starting point is 00:23:34 And this is triggering for you It just You might not need to get too deep into it But it's like He will then be like Oh my God There's something's happened here Ellie I think Gareth might have just
Starting point is 00:23:46 Hit something here And Luke was hitting on it too Do you feel this would hurt your job at all If he said If as he was talking about the cow you covered your face and did like the cry thing and he goes is everything okay and go I haven't brought this up but when I was a child
Starting point is 00:24:06 I was kicked in the house by a cow and I got knocked and it messed with my back and these stories are just really triggering and just lead you go like what happened goes walking at a dairy farm and a cow just kicked the fucking life the farmer said to not walk behind it it was my mistake but this fucking cow It just knocked me.
Starting point is 00:24:27 I was in the air for 15 feet and I have nightmares about it. And these stories are just... And for specificity, say, and what's your cow again? He'll go, you know, a jersey. It would be one of those highland tick. That's what it was. That's what it was. It was a high tank.
Starting point is 00:24:44 Now, Ellie, going to you for a second. You did a great job with the pitch. It's very clean. And it is a problem. We've kind of got the initial thing of just told him to shut the fuck up, which I would not do. But Scott, that's what you said. Yeah, it would have been like,
Starting point is 00:24:59 mate, I could not care for cows, like drop it, find someone else. Go on Reddit. Go on Reddit. I'm sure there's a Facebook group for this shit. By the way, that would work against me. If I was trying to tell you about chimps and I was like, dude, a really cool thing about chimps
Starting point is 00:25:16 and you said that to me, I'd go, I'll never bring it up again. Well, maybe we should just... It's not us. It's just not our thing. Why don't we just hear it quickly? Jake, why don't you do a quick little chimp run-up and let's hear Scott cut you off just so we get a sense. So I think chimps are really fascinating.
Starting point is 00:25:28 There's one Michael Jackson had a chimp called balls. The most interesting thing about this conversation is we're listening to somebody else's problems, not yours. Oh. But I wanted to hear about the chimps. No, see, my whole job was to be able to shut it down and make him go, I'm not talking about chimsy again. And it worked. I don't want to talk about it anymore. No, it's tough.
Starting point is 00:25:47 Because what's more interesting is the other person's problem, Ellie. So, Ellie, we've got the idea of, of, hey, we, in email, hey, today I've got something quick. Do you want to just do like five quick minutes and debrief at the beginning? I'm getting to work. We've got the idea that I put some food in the oven with a timer. Did I miss anything, Gareth? No, I think that alarm, like something that kind of was some, but no, that works too.
Starting point is 00:26:17 I was also going to say, have a friend call so you can go, oh, God, I'll call her back. That's right. Yeah. But the main one ended with the crying and then the trauma. Ellie, when you're hearing all these early on, where are you at? Any of them interesting you? Yeah, I think the alarm or something in the oven, because I am home and they do cook a lot and our meetings are typically like right before lunchtime, so that would be easy.
Starting point is 00:26:45 They are just audio meetings, like we're not on camera for this meeting. So I think the crying might be like, I think I would just start laughing, honestly. And I have to mute myself so much because I do just like laugh. Like it's fun for a little bit. And then you're like, all right. Like this is just getting out of hand. But I also have tried the whole like just check in about the cow at the start like really quick. And I made the mistake of I was actually checking on the baby because I guess like the baby hasn't been doing well.
Starting point is 00:27:17 It's been getting sick a lot. But I called the baby a cow. And then I got lectured proper cow names for like 40 minutes. So, yeah, so that failed. I got one more. Okay. My other one would be, okay, my other one would be that we create a scenario
Starting point is 00:27:36 where you have a pre-recorded voice and I would pitch at Scots saying something to the effect of, are you done with your call yet? Or is your boss going on and on about cows again? Something that you then go, honey, shame, me now. Or two, Gareth. It's either that or it's, you.
Starting point is 00:27:56 your partner or your roommate. That, yes. Saying like going, just even going like this, hey, you've been on for more than 20 minutes. Come on, I need to talk to you. And then you going, hey, I got to go. Could you do something like that with your boss, though? But shaman.
Starting point is 00:28:12 I think the reason why I want the cow in there is like, we're imagining that Ellie talks to Scott who lives with her. And is like basically doing what she's done to us. He just doesn't shut the fuck up about cows. Scott comes in, not thinking the boss. boss is on the phone. Right. Makes fun of the cow situation.
Starting point is 00:28:30 Ellie, not now, Scott. I'm still talking to my boss, but we get it out there to the boss without Ellie saying it that this is a bit of fodder and he's overdoing. You know what Ellie could do? Stop, stop. I like hearing about it. And then in the
Starting point is 00:28:46 background, it's... No, you don't. And it takes the whole fucking meeting. Yeah. Something like that. Ellie, what do you think if we did something like that? Would you play it during the meeting and see what happens? Yeah, I think I think that could work.
Starting point is 00:29:01 I think it's your only option these days. I wouldn't say these days. That seemed to be a weird thing to add like these days specifically, yeah. We don't really have much else going. Okay, we have a lot going. We had a lot of pitches. We're early on.
Starting point is 00:29:21 We're not dying in the desert, and this is our only chance at hydration. But it's just a pitch. If we uncorked Scott for a minute to do a cow tirade, then you take this, do you take these calls on your phone or on a laptop? Computer. All right. So then you get your phone ready.
Starting point is 00:29:39 You got a fucking audio file. You turn it on when it's time. It's a great idea. And you pause it once. No, I'm actually still on the meeting. And then you unpause it. Oh, let me guess he's going on and on about his cows again. And then, but then, Ellie, you have to then in real time go like, Scott, stop.
Starting point is 00:29:56 Yes. You're embarrassed. All right, so let's see what we got. And then Luke, we're going to try you next. Done. Okay, so Scott, three, two, whenever you're ready. Oh my God, Allie, how long did that phone call go for? I can hear you talking all the way in the other room.
Starting point is 00:30:19 And oh my God, I knew he was talking about that stupid frigging cow again. It's as if I'm on the phone calls with him now. Now he doesn't shut the hell up. Are you kidding me? What did he say this time about the friggin' stupid thing? Actually, you know what? You should ask him, when's he going to chop it up and we get that hamburger's out of it.
Starting point is 00:30:41 She has to jump in and stop. Do you want to have Luke do a tape, Jack? All right, let's see, let's see what happens. Did you just call you Jack? I did. Jack? You pulled a means. I did.
Starting point is 00:30:53 There's no excuse. Everything you just said is completely right. I thought I'd get away with it, too, if it wasn't for these rascally kids. It's so embarrassing when it happens. It's horrible. I've called Gareth in the middle of no reason. Garith once. Let's also say the best one.
Starting point is 00:31:08 One time Jake looked at our poster art for my name. I forgot his name. I've known him for 20 years. All right. So, Luke, now you've got to think she's on the call. So this has to be in the BG. But she's got to hear cow and humiliation fast. All right, done.
Starting point is 00:31:27 Three, two, let's see what you got. Ali, you said the meeting would go for 20 minutes. I want my coffee. How much longer it's going to go for? All you do is talk about cows. You hate cows. Interesting. Scott, was he like this as a roommate?
Starting point is 00:31:46 Yeah, he's a prick to disfere that. I want my coffee. She doesn't work for you, sir. We're going to go walk off and get a coffee together. I thought you meant like, make me cough? No, Jack. Yeah, I thought that too. Okay, Garrett, let's hear you doing it.
Starting point is 00:32:02 All right, all right, here we go. Oh, I'm so glad that you're off that call. Did that dude go on and on about that freaking cow again? Oh, God, I'm sorry. I, uh, you're the one who always complains. Ooh, Ellie, early on, what are you thinking? I like Garrett's. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:32:21 Okay, so now let's give everybody a second chance. But Ellie, will you jump in and give everybody direction? Okay. Okay, so Scott was first. What would you like to say to him before? How do you think this is going to work? Because you're the one pulling this off. And Ellie, remember, Scott is an actor.
Starting point is 00:32:40 So direction could be very helpful here. I think it would probably be short. And like, I don't know, maybe just like a, is he talking about counts again or something like that? Fun. And then, Ellie, jump in with what you will say, because we can mute that out so that you can get a response. Does that make sense? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:03 I don't know if I'd say something or if I would just mute myself, like, because you can tell when somebody mutes themselves. Oh, interesting. So I might just, like, mute myself very suddenly. And then when you go on, Ellie, would you do, like, an apology? Yeah. Yep. So let's hear that. So we're looking for this in one, basically.
Starting point is 00:33:27 So, yeah, we can get a sense of the whole thing. Okay. Okay. So when you're going to mute, just go like this. Hey. And that means you've now muted. Okay. Ellie, you call action when you're ready.
Starting point is 00:33:42 Action. Oh, my God, Ellie, is he talking about this stupid cow again? Wait, I forgot what I was supposed. But by the way, Scott, that was interesting. I think in your version, Ellie, you don't have to do anything. I think that is all we really need. And I agree, that was pretty fucking good. Ellie, what did you think of that?
Starting point is 00:34:04 It's so embarrassing. I mean, that's a real cow shame. Let's do it one more time, Scott. Let's just see it because that's a real option. Ellie, is he talking about this stupid cow again? That's good. Ellie, what do you think? Let's give some direction to Luke.
Starting point is 00:34:27 Luke was the one who told you. Luke was the one who told you, get off the call and get me some coffee. Hey, Olson and I'm not going to touch your dogs. I want to live here. I'm not paying you full rent. I never paid rent like this. And I'm not greeting these fucking dogs.
Starting point is 00:34:41 That's who Luke is. So give you guys some of them. No feedback. That's great. I'd probably say get your own coffee. I am woman. Hear me raw. fucking right, Luke.
Starting point is 00:34:58 Get your own coffee and stuff telling women what to do. Scott, Scott, you had your turn. Your mic's on. Your right. All right. All right. Go ahead.
Starting point is 00:35:14 What, Luke? Oh, no, no, I'm good. I'm good. Were you getting ready? In performance? I'm going to say we're going to the cafe. We're not going to get me a coffee. Okay.
Starting point is 00:35:22 Ready? Let's see what you got. Three, two, get the coffee. Ali, we're supposed to be at the cafe 20 minutes ago. Not, are you still talking about cows? You hate cows. Ellie, your thoughts. I like it.
Starting point is 00:35:39 You can be honest. I don't know if I, I like the second half like that, like the last thing. I feel like it would be a bad book to be like in a rush to go get coffee in the middle of my birthday. You can't go. You sit there for an hour and talk about baby cows. So, Luke, you created this whole coffee date. Luke sure jumps shipped on it. I know, but this whole rewrite you've done of this coffee thing.
Starting point is 00:36:05 A coffee plot is interesting. It's an interesting. That's the real problem. Hang on, we haven't heard Jack do one, to be honest. That's true. Professional actor. Yeah. All right.
Starting point is 00:36:15 Let's go. Three, two. Hey, let's go to this weird coffee thing with Luke. This is this whole other storyline that doesn't matter. Oh, right. You got that stupid thing about cows. That's pretty good. Thanks.
Starting point is 00:36:27 I liked that. Now you've got a couple of coffee options, Ellie, which are good. Gareth, what do you got? All right. How was cow boss? Let me guess. He talked about cows the whole time. Oh, shit, really?
Starting point is 00:36:39 But you're editing the, oh, shit, really. That's her going. Oh, you're imagining she doing the head. And she mute. Oh, my God, it's so good, Gareth. Ellie, your thoughts. There's some really good contenders in there, right. Ellie, I just want to say on behalf of all the contestants,
Starting point is 00:36:59 it's just an honor to be thought of for this competition. So go ahead. Garris wins. Garth wins. Ali, we walk the truth now. What do you? Which one do you like again? We're going to do a final round with one cut.
Starting point is 00:37:14 It's going to be Luke. No. I'm done. Cinderella story So cut one of us And so it's a heads up match for the thing Who would you cut of the three I'm gonna cut the coffee date
Starting point is 00:37:29 Yeah for sure I'm not going to get in minigolf business Surprise surprise you're out Remember the beginning How much you liked minigolf wanted to get you You cut baby See I'm not going to that business I'm not posting it on our social media
Starting point is 00:37:44 Nothing Okay so now Ellie we've got Scott and Gareth doing one last thing. Give them one round of notes. Then this is going to be the one you use. If you like it, we're going to send you the clip, and we are going to ask you to call back after it goes. Because I do think this could work if you get a right.
Starting point is 00:38:00 Luke, go ahead, buddy. I think she might be against Australian. So Scott, go in with an American accent here too. Oh, I can try. Interesting. Yeah, I think there's something going on here. It feels like sabotage. I'm trying my heart.
Starting point is 00:38:14 She doesn't like Australia. and we should have said that from the stop. Okay, I can try. Do you have any final thoughts to the contestants? I would say I don't think I should swear just because he seems like a very, like, proper... So American. You know, person, I guess.
Starting point is 00:38:35 Great. So no vulgarity. But other than that, I don't, I can't think of anything. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. We're going to keep this clean. We're going to go, it's going to be totally silent. Then Scott is going to do his. Nobody's going to say anything.
Starting point is 00:38:53 Gareth, take a real 10 second pause. Do yours. Nobody say anything. Ellie, without thinking of funnier feelings or the show, pick your winner. Okay. Okay, so we're going to take 10 seconds of silence, Scott. I'm going to clear my throat.
Starting point is 00:39:12 Yeah. Then Gareth, take a nice beat in between. And then Ellie, the phone is going to be yours. No one's going to talk. My name is on a Monday morning. Oh my God, is he talking about those stupid ass cows again? I swear you've been talking on the phone with him forever. I actually heard him talking about the cows this time.
Starting point is 00:39:51 What is with this dude and cow? Oh. I think there is. I'm sorry, Scott. Don't be sorry. I would say on that for sure, Luke sabotaged you. That was such a weird thing without the accent. Scott, he killed.
Starting point is 00:40:11 Do we want to give Scott one more chance with the accent just for options? That was so weird. We want Ellie to win. We want Ali to win? Ellie to win the problem. Ellie, are you okay to go one last round with Scott doing his normal accent? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:29 Okay. So let's go. Maybe Irish accents, Scott. Luke, get out, Luke. Get out, Luke. So let's do the same five seconds of silence. The thing, five seconds. Then, Ellie, make your pick.
Starting point is 00:40:48 She jumped in. You didn't take the five seconds. Oh my God. I heard him talking the whole time about cows. I hate them the same amount as you. I heard him today. I finally listened. This dude, I think he's having intercourse with the cow.
Starting point is 00:41:21 Oh, no. I thought I'd already laid my final one out there. I thought I was just giving Scott one more chance. Listen, I've put my work out there before. That's great. I have options. All right. So, Gareth, other read, or Scott's new read, Ellie?
Starting point is 00:41:42 I like Scots now. I kind of do, too, to be honest. I think it's good that it gives your POV like cats out of the best. a little. That's what I like. So how about we do this? A backstory for this Australian man in my home that I just... No, you don't.
Starting point is 00:42:04 Maybe you don't. No, we get around. Us Aussies, we travel. Don't worry. So here's what we're going to do, Ellie. Jesse, can you send her just that last Scott clip and Garris' previous one as their own little audio clips? And then can you try?
Starting point is 00:42:23 I don't know how it's possible. if he calls to record it so that we hear a little bit of him, then we hear the response, and then we hear if there's any change. Because that would be really nice if we heard him go like, oh, sorry, now I'll tell you if he says,
Starting point is 00:42:43 oh, sorry, am I rambling? Don't do the Midwest thing where you go like, not at all, I love it. It's all good. Maybe we'll just move on to the work stuff. Yeah, I think. What were you going to say, Scott? And be like, yeah, you were.
Starting point is 00:42:57 You were talking about cows again. Let's not dig any harder. Yeah, this is the boss. So, Ellie, are you going to actually do this? Yes. Okay, we'll send you those two clips and we appreciate it. And I think this is going to work. Follow up.
Starting point is 00:43:14 But, Ellie, be tough if he apologizes softly, giving you the option to hear more or move on in that moment. Got to move on. Move on. Move on. Got it. Got it. All right.
Starting point is 00:43:30 That's nice. Thank you. Thank you. First time. Just didn't acknowledge it. Didn't acknowledge it, but got it. Thank you, Ellie. Thank you, Ellie.
Starting point is 00:43:42 Thank you, Ellie. Don't fuck it up. Don't fuck it up, boo. You've got this. This episode has been brought to you by the great quince. Let me tell you a little bit about Quin's. clothing. Really, everything I wear that I love is Quince. The black
Starting point is 00:43:58 t-shirt that I got from Quince I've been wearing for all my press. Quince shines. I mean, it's premium fabrics. Considered design. Everyday essentials. It feels effortless to wear dependable, even as the seasons change. I highly recommend the t-shirts for men and for ladies,
Starting point is 00:44:14 but I just say men because I'm a gentleman. Whatever you want, lightweight cashmere sweaters, short-sleeve Mongolian cashmere polos, linen bottoms, and shorts. And they only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. Thousands of people who are wearing it every day. The point is I could go on and on.
Starting point is 00:44:30 Right now, go to quince.com slash here to help for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will. Now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash here to help for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash here to help.
Starting point is 00:44:51 And we are brought to you by HelloFresh. Nothing hits like home cooking and Hello Fresh makes it easy to do more of it. This year with recipes that don't just feel good. They taste delicious night after night. Bring everyone together with meals that are simple and rewarding on a busy weeknight. Keep it simple. Keep it easy. Choose from more than 100 recipes every week, including cuisines from around the world.
Starting point is 00:45:14 You could choose from 35 high protein recipes each week, new Mediterranean and GLP1 friendly recipes. And press guess or treat yourself with new grassy. fed steak, ribbyes, make meals with seasonal produce like pears, apples, asparagus. When you're done, you're surprised you did it. So go to hellofresh.com slash here to help 10 FM to get 10 free meals. And a freeze willing knife, which is $144.99 cent value on your third box. Offer valid while supplies less. Free meals applied as discount on first box.
Starting point is 00:45:48 New subscribers only varies by plan. Hello. Hello. How you doing? Good. How are you guys? Good. Could we get your name, please? I'm going to go by Lana for this call. Lana, we're going to do a special segment here.
Starting point is 00:46:06 It's obviously going to be, we're here to help with me and Gareth, but it's also going to be Go Sassy Go, a segment from the Luke and Sassy Scott podcast. So you're going to get a little bit of extra fun. So welcome to the first ever collaboration. with we're here to help and go sassy go Lana. Wow, that's crazy. It's crazy. Hey Lana. That's sassy. Hi. Hey, Lana. And that's the guy who's cheering sassy on Luke.
Starting point is 00:46:36 No matter how much he doesn't want to. So, where are you from? What's the issue? What can we do to help? So I'm in the Midwest and I'm in my 20s. Usually you ask how old I am, but we'll go with that. I'm in my late 20s. Anyway, the reason why I'm calling is my mom lives a few states away. So I only see her a few times a year. But when I do, she's always wearing these, like, huge over-the-year headphones.
Starting point is 00:47:09 She'll be doing, like, tours, hanging out or even, like, talking to my boyfriend with these big headphones on. She's autistic. And I really never thought twice about this until. So I asked her to share her audible account with me. When I downloaded it, it was filled with these trashy book covers of these shirtless men with oiled up abs. Mom's title. Like, exactly. And like some of the books were called The Dom Who Loved Me, Unzipped.
Starting point is 00:47:45 And college love never hurt so good. Oh, my God. I'm horny. This is a turn on. Yeah. So I'm really sure this with my boyfriend. He's like, oh my God,
Starting point is 00:47:59 your mom has been listening to book porn while spending time with us. What? Easy. So I need advice on how to like get my mom to stop this, or at least like shame her a little bit because like you can't be listening to erotica while spending time with your family. That's true. This is really interesting.
Starting point is 00:48:19 Unzipped. Wow. Garrett just pulled up on Zip. It's a photo of people about to fuck. Yep. So, Lana, here's my question to you. Just because all of this is checking out, I get it. What do you mean she's listening to it while you guys are hanging out with big old headphones?
Starting point is 00:48:38 You only see her a few times a year she's got headphones on? She's listening to Smut. Yeah, obviously she doesn't like us that much. But she'll be just spending time on the couch. We'll all be together watching TV. She has her headphones on. or she'll be like in the kitchen with her headphones on cooking dinner. Okay.
Starting point is 00:48:56 I'm just jumping in. This is screaming daddy issues. Where's dad? Dad is there. They say they're happily married. Yeah, they probably are, but you dad can't fulfill your mother 100%. She has to take responsibility for that. It sounds like she is.
Starting point is 00:49:15 Go sassy. Go. Guys, you see what the calls about sassy, but yeah, I think that's a fair. Now, here's a distinction that I want to make sure is clear. So she will hang out with you and be a present person, but in the in-between moments when she's prepping stuff or doing her own thing, she's listening to these kind of trashy novels. Well, the headphones are always on.
Starting point is 00:49:38 Always on conversations with me and my boyfriend. Headphones always. Does she have anything going on like autism? No, I think, like maybe my dad does, But my mom doesn't. But because it could be, she's, are we,
Starting point is 00:49:55 it could be she's just trying to regulate sounds, which is a different animal and a different pitch than she's listening to smut. How confident are you? Because we're going to go your road. So you're confident, this is not an audio sensory issue.
Starting point is 00:50:11 This is a, mom's just pervin out because she's bored with us. 100%. My mom, like, is the most extroverted person in the world. loves talking, but around us, headphones on.
Starting point is 00:50:24 And I know she's listening to what. Because, like, I sent in pictures of all these audiobooks. Like, 90% of them say finished. Oh, okay. Let's take it. In what way? She finished. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:50:38 No, I'm just saying. She finished. Rocco, Rogo. Rocco, Rogget. Cruel promise, finished. Burning Ivy finished. Hot stuff. Finish.
Starting point is 00:50:45 Black ties and white lies. Finish. Between never and forever. Finished. Fuck. Oh, there's more. Oh, my God, the Damu loved me. Finished.
Starting point is 00:50:56 Exposed. Bad liar. Finish. The happy ever after playlist. Okay, so mom's addicted to these. And these are 10 hours. No, men have the golden cuffs. Okay, she is getting after it.
Starting point is 00:51:09 Holy fuck. I mean, we're just seeing endless evidence. Luke, your first thoughts. Where are you at when you hear all this? I'm thinking good on mum but secondly if you want it to stop where my head's going she's not going to be great with technology you're going to get a new speaker
Starting point is 00:51:30 and you're going to have it in that living room and you're going to connect the Bluetooth to the speaker and then once it's at the juicy part of the book then you're going to shame her and be like what the fuck are you listening to? That is so interesting connect to another speaker so all of a sudden you're all together
Starting point is 00:51:51 and you go like, Mom, what are you listening to? And she goes like, huh? Dylan's penis was finally seeing. We're all hearing this. Yeah. I think that's a very, it's a very good way to handle it.
Starting point is 00:52:07 I mean, I think especially, you know, when she's in there prepping dinner, get like a little mini megabox or something like that and fucking connect it. You might need to, find her phone and do some of the work there, but I definitely think that's a good way to see. Sassie, what do you think?
Starting point is 00:52:24 Honestly, that's so easy. Like, I just bought them an Alexa device for Christmas, so I could see. Here it is. So we're not locking in on that yet. That's just a great first pitch. No, I'm just going to add, I'm just going to add, like, some specificity to it. Now, you need to recruit the army. You need to have multiple players in the game ready to go.
Starting point is 00:52:47 So it's not just you shaming mum, dancing on it, have the next door neighbor there and then another sibling or your boyfriend. And everybody's ready to start their piece when they hear it. Because let's say you've only got two seconds of a playing on the speaker before a technical issue comes into play. You've all got to just be ready to take the opportunity and run with it and be like, what were you listening to? Hang on. Is that every time you've got the headphones on, you're. You're listening to porn, mom? Like, everyone's got to come from a different angle that she will never do it again.
Starting point is 00:53:24 Let me throw something out because that would be effective. But, Lana, I just have to say in hearing that, all of a sudden, I don't know if we're going in the right direction and here's why. Because I think sassy, because I'm the opposite of go sassy go, I'm no sassy, no. My thought of it is, and I say it with love. That's strange. I'm this. No. Sassy Do.
Starting point is 00:53:48 Yeah. It is the Why are we shaming mom for purving up? I think we're shaming mom. Because she's doing it with her kids in the room. Right.
Starting point is 00:54:00 But here's what I think we're shaming. And she's barting her bottom lip. Like if she's if she's going to the next level, yes. But if she's just doing dishes and purvin, who cares? Here would be my pitch. You and your boyfriend and your dad and the army that Sassie was
Starting point is 00:54:15 talking about. get everybody cheap headphones and you all wear headphones at the same time around her so when she's got up and she's like, you guys ready for dinner you go like,
Starting point is 00:54:26 what? And do the, no one can hear anybody. So she wants you guys to take the headphones off and you go, we'll only take them off if you do.
Starting point is 00:54:35 And then she could say, what are you listening to and you say like, Dom and lover and you're all listening to the same smut she listens to? So she has to go,
Starting point is 00:54:45 It might be a little weird that I have headphones on because I think it's the headphones that are issue more than the smut. But Lana, it's about what you think. That's just a second pitch. No, I think both of these are really good options. Do you think shame is a big part here? Like, I feel like it's hard to kind of embarrass her because she's so out there sometimes. I like the idea of showing her how ridiculous the behavior is when we all have headphones. bones in as well.
Starting point is 00:55:17 I also like the idea of like gasping over and then them hearing, you know, smut on the speaker. You know what we could also do if you want to do the embarrassing thing? You could tell her mom, I got, I was looking at your book titles and I got a book you might like. It's just a preview and we could make up Sassie could improvise. Sassy and Lou could improvise two minutes of a book preview and just make you. really disgusting and smutty, and you can go, I thought you would like this based off your other reading.
Starting point is 00:55:52 Yes, I love that. So, sassy, is this a go-sassy go or a no sassy? This isn't going to be recorded and out there forever for my children's ear. It's sassy. You're trying to help a woman. Yeah, but I'm doing this with my brother and I'm going to talk smart. I got to be honest, I'm shocked at the pushback. Me too.
Starting point is 00:56:15 But I have, I really am surprised. I'm really surprised. I'm ready to go. I'm feeling uncomfortable. Okay, how about this? Then you don't do it together. I get its brothers. I'm naturally X-rated.
Starting point is 00:56:25 So that's what's, bro. So let's do this. You're worried, I guess. Let's do this. Luke, maybe don't chime in so it's not two brothers unless the book is written by brothers. Yeah. Because it could be two different narrators. Yeah, we don't want to be.
Starting point is 00:56:43 How about this? The book is about a how, that one brother owns in Malibu, and it was during the pandemic when everything got shut down, and the one brother hired a lawyer to make his brother sign a clause, but then things happened with the lawyer.
Starting point is 00:56:59 I can't go. You slept with the lawyer, Scott. And I'm not writing this, right? Yes. Okay. So then we're going to go back to you, Lana, and you're going to tell us if you like it and if you would actually send it to your mom.
Starting point is 00:57:11 So my only thing is, Scott, try to make it seem like a preview for a real book. Yep. And then mom gets a little bit like, what are you sending me? And then Lana goes, I looked at,
Starting point is 00:57:23 I was trying to surprise, I looked on your audio book, this is what you seem to like. So I thought you might like this, but it's got to be X-rated enough where mom goes like, I can't believe everybody's basically seen my Google search history.
Starting point is 00:57:37 I love that. Okay, so let's try it. So Lana, on your action, whenever you're ready, call it. And then, Lana, how about you give some notes? Because it's your mom.
Starting point is 00:57:45 Okay, so I'll say action and then afterwards I'll give the notes, right? I need your, I need your mom's name. Can I have your mom's name? Interesting. Oh, is this going to be aired on the podcast? We can beep it. No. Well, yeah, you know what?
Starting point is 00:58:01 Let's do a fake name. It will be. Let's give her a fake name, Julia. Okay. Okay, let's call her Donna. Not Julia. Good pitch, though, Scott. Tough, tough start. Are you calling action?
Starting point is 00:58:22 Wait, what? Are you calling action? Oh, you want me to just go for it, boo? Oh, sorry, three, two, one, action. So my brother called me and he told me to come to the house. He said Donna was going to be there waiting for me. And I thought that was strange. So I jumped into a car.
Starting point is 00:58:40 And on the way, I called my lawyer. And I said, I think Donna's going to be there with my brother. How's this going to play out? And the advice was, don't think of Donna, don't think of your brother. Think of her daughter. So as I pulled up at the house, I saw Donna's car. Donna's daughter wasn't there. But as I walked in, she was sitting there waiting on the kitchen bench with milk poured all over her.
Starting point is 00:59:12 Okay, you do it. Yeah. Weird. It was kinky, but we want a dirty. It was more like, I don't know what's going on, and then why has you got milk all over her? That's from the last call. Remnants from the last cow call, I think.
Starting point is 00:59:26 You're welcome. Thanks, Gareth gets it. It's a cowback. Is it hot in Malibu? It will be sticky milk. Yeah, it will be on the kitchen. It would smell bad. Oh, not moldy.
Starting point is 00:59:39 It would smell like Luke's room in my chimp office. Luke, you want to give this a try? I don't think I... Shut up the fuck up and give it a try. Let's do it together. Have two people talking just dirty for us, Scott. Ew! Okay, you and Gareth's do it.
Starting point is 00:59:58 I don't think the two's going to be a book, guys. We got it. So, Garrett, will you give a quick, like a one-minute preview of a book that she can get a sense of the book, but we're trying for mom to go like. I said, mine was an inset. What's that? Mine with an insert.
Starting point is 01:00:13 Yes. Sorry, I'm not the preview of the entire. You were about to say the bottom line of what you want the reaction to be, Jake. I want the reaction to be mom going like this. Oh, my God. I can't believe my daughter sent me this. Why would she send me this so that Lana could say, because I looked at what you like and I thought you might like this audiobook.
Starting point is 01:00:39 So that mom goes, I'm listening to way too much weird stuff around the kids so that Lana can go, when I'm there, you always have your headphones on, so I was curious what you were listening to, so I checked your site, and what I saw was all these books, so I think you might like this one.
Starting point is 01:00:53 Okay, all right. You want me give you a taste? Yeah. A preview. Three, two. Underwatering of Porking is a rebald novel from famed author, Don Shapiro. The book goes in deep to a Hollywood,
Starting point is 01:01:10 pool cleaner in the 1970s, who cleaned way more than the grime off of dirty pools. Every house he went to, he tried to lame the framework. He wanted to be inside whichever woman lived in the house. When the husbands are away, the cats indeed play. Underwater porking is a very special adventure. Pretty great, man. I want to read it, not just listen to it. My only issue with that is I think she might want to read.
Starting point is 01:01:41 read it. I want to read underwater porking. You're talented. That was really good. That was really good. Interesting. Lana, what do you think? I mean, honestly, I think it needs to be dirtier. Like, it needs to be something that, like, you don't want to hear.
Starting point is 01:01:58 Yes. Like, you're coming from your daughter. Let me give, let me give it a show. Yeah. Unless Sassy, you got to change. Because did that inspire something? No. I thought, like, where we could, like, make the end it.
Starting point is 01:02:10 Like where the caps would play, it would be like Donna's pussy plays. So this is more of the zone, Scott. Okay. Can you make it about how dirty she is, but she can only have sex while she's got her headphones on? Really. Now you're just getting pervy, Luke. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:02:32 Now it's just, you want the audio clip. You're like this. Could you make it about a guy whose room is weirded moldy? Make me the main character. Everybody turn off their Zoom cameras and make it about a guy who hates dogs. No, I can't do what you just did there, Gareth. That's incredible. Yeah, that's.
Starting point is 01:02:56 I think, Jake, do you want to give it a shot, Jake? Let's give it a shot. Okay. And what was the name of the thing you said, porking in water? There was something. Underwater porking. Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 01:03:06 Okay. Ready? Jack Wilson brings you underwater. Porking. A book about the 1970s where women's pools, holes from the front and the back get dug out and cleaned out. If you think these pussies from the trees are watching, wait until these pool cleaners dig out these pussies, pussy's.
Starting point is 01:03:35 Your thoughts. Is that it? That was an attempt. No, I think that's perfect. So give some notes to Scott Because we're going to end with Ghost As he go Because he almost
Starting point is 01:03:54 Scott at one point He looked at him and the middle of it And it really threw me It was like I was playing in the hospital So Scott The thing is called underwater porkin It's an Australian writer We are looking to make it real
Starting point is 01:04:11 And disgusting so mom can go like Whoa Okay Okay, I've got to try Glasses are off He's wiping his eyes I just know I just want everyone to know
Starting point is 01:04:22 You know the older I get The gayer I get Which just takes me further away from You know being comfortable with pussy talk But then it could be gay It could be two men Yeah Who cares
Starting point is 01:04:33 Yeah these days You guys are in L.A. right? Like fucking who cares Whatever it cares Yeah so make it about two men Ready Three to this book titled dipping in donna brought to by scott o'hulleran is a book about a story of a desperate
Starting point is 01:04:58 housewife who had fallen in love with the man in the voice in her head she listened to him on headphones all day long as the pool cleaner as her daughter as everybody came over to her house she would finger herself while she was cooking spaghetti bolognese while she was making pancakes in the morning she would envision the men coming over fisting her for breakfast lunch and dinner i thought i think it was excellent actually because what you did you actually might have just completed the pitch i was losing a little bit of what we were doing when i was doing the pussy stuff i lost track but what you you've done is you've made it about her
Starting point is 01:05:44 in a way where she's like oh my god they think I'm masturbating that was shame Lana go sassy go thanks Lana your thoughts connect to the Bluetooth
Starting point is 01:06:05 and just play it you can do the army there you can just get everybody wearing headphones too. Or you could play one of these. Mine would be Sassy's final one, even though Gareth was very good. I think she might want to read that.
Starting point is 01:06:26 And mine was terrible. I might be writing it, to be quite honest. Yeah. But I would say Sassie's at the end, especially because it's about a woman masturbating while wearing headphones and our families there. That's a huge swing, Lanna. So of the three we got,
Starting point is 01:06:42 Connect to Bluetooth. All wear headphones around her. Send her what Sassy just said. What do you think you're going to do? Okay, I totally want to send her what Saffy just said. And then if that doesn't work, but I think it will. I will, like, since she lives a few states away, if that doesn't work, then when I visit her in a few months,
Starting point is 01:07:01 I can do the, yeah. And then will you send it to her via text so we can see her response and be like, I just came across this book. I think you might like it. Like, what would you actually say in the text, Lana? I think it would be just like that. I'd send her the audio clip and be like, oh, my gosh, I just heard this. Audio book, and it made me think of you.
Starting point is 01:07:24 God. Yes. So I'm sorry. I interrupted because I got an inch right up your alley is great. Literally. Yeah. So you go, I just heard this audio book. And maybe, and from after looking at the other ones you've read and finished, this
Starting point is 01:07:41 one might be right up your alley. Is that two on the nose? No, I think that's perfect. But what if she actually wants to read it? Then you go, I can't find it. Scott has to write a book. Then we, it sounds like, I've got a book deal. Then we can reach out to Scott, and we can have Scott record the first half of the
Starting point is 01:08:01 chapter, and right when things get hot, he can go, Mom, what are you doing? Why are you listening to this stuff around the family? Or you know, we actually could do, Gareth, if Scott, if you're down, if mom's interested in reading it, we'll do it chapter by chapter. And we will write a book. We will all take turns writing chapters and you'll get you'll go, you'll go, it's actually somebody I know it's a friend of mine. So you're just getting it as it comes.
Starting point is 01:08:26 And we will turn this into a year long, the weirdest saga we've ever been part of, where we will write a personalized smut book for a mother. I'm so down with this. I've never been more down with an idea before. And that in the end, we would bring her on and it'll be the perverted Truman Show. And we'll go, there's not a book. And she'll go, is this Scott?
Starting point is 01:08:49 It's like, yeah, this is crazy, mom. Now we got to break it down for you. So if that happens, we could have the craziest year-long play. But Lana, what do you think? So we're enabling her. Yeah, I think we'd be enabling her for a year to have the biggest intervention. We bred Crummer. We bred Crummer to the intervention.
Starting point is 01:09:09 That's exactly right. And then we get in New York Times bestseller. out of it as well. Sure. Yes. And so on it, tell us specifically what you're going to do.
Starting point is 01:09:19 Okay, so I'm going to take the recording of Safi's audiobook clip. I'm going to say it to my mom and I'm like, hey, this looks like it's right up your alley
Starting point is 01:09:28 based off what you've been listening to. Great. She's like, that's disgusting why you think that I'm listening to this. I mean, and then what do you say then? And then if she's,
Starting point is 01:09:41 I'm like, okay, I'll try to find it for you. I don't know. What you say there is you go, this is based up what I saw you liked. Yeah. When we're over,
Starting point is 01:09:51 you always have those headphones on. I was wondering what you're listening to because you have them on when we're there. And I saw it's dominated by my lover. It's all these books, Mom. I saw your audible wrapped. You posted on Facebook, Mom.
Starting point is 01:10:04 I know what you're into. I know what you like. Fisting. I know what you like. Yeah, hopefully it makes her feel shame. But if it doesn't, Then when I visit her at home, I'll connect her phone to the, I was thinking maybe the speaker thing. Great.
Starting point is 01:10:19 Yeah. Yeah. I like that too. Me too. That was phenomenal, actually. That was a great start. That's great start. So, Lana, I think you're in good shape.
Starting point is 01:10:27 We will send you Scott's clip. Will you send us a photo of the text you send with her and then hopefully her response? Yes. And then follow up with us. Yeah, we should get a follow up soon on this, I'd say. I'm really curious what mom says after this. Because maybe she's just going to laugh and go, what is this?
Starting point is 01:10:47 And if so, you go, my friend made it. I thought it was really funny. Oh, she goes, what are you doing? That's your dad's account. Good. Go, sassy. Yeah. All right, Lana.
Starting point is 01:11:05 Thank you for the call. Follow up with us. Yes. Love you. Thank you, Lana. Anytime. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod.gatgmail.com.
Starting point is 01:11:25 And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix and Master by Chris Fowler. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to gareth-renalds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.
Starting point is 01:12:05 That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. Hey, everyone. This is Natalie. This is Charlie. We're from the podcast Exploration Live. It's really funny. It's really good.
Starting point is 01:12:19 It's really, really very good. And now we have a YouTube channel to go with it. That's exactly right, Natalie. You can watch full video episodes of our podcast Exploration Live at YouTube.com slash exploration live podcast. That means that in addition to the audio component, you're also getting a video component. Exactly. Where you're seeing our reactions, what kind of clothes we're wearing. You know, and there's a whole suite of dynamics and physical expressions that you can really only get from a full video.
Starting point is 01:12:50 Body language experts to the front. Exactly. So come check out, Experson Live, either audio or video.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.