We're Here to Help - 278: Ya Filthy Animal & The Real London

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

Gareth and Jake help a caller convince his girlfriend to go camping in bear country. Then, they create a guidebook to the best fake tourist sites in London.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmWatch episodes early Sundays and Tuesdays on Hulu.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. We're back. So you went out, you got a dollup show live. You went out and got drunk with the team last night. Yes. I was saying this to you, we were. until I was up until two.

And I was like, I'm, I got to get out of here. And Dave, who I do the dollop with is he's, I think he's 11 years older than me. But I mean, he just can go. And they stayed up until 4.30. It's wild. It's just foreign to me. But I, I learned that when we first started going on the road, I always thought he would be the guy who would be, you know, like, we should go. Because he's like, he's the adult, it feels like.

Yeah. And instead he's the guy who's like, dude, they have a, there's a house we could go to now, this girl. And I'm like, what do you talk? You were 54 years old, sir. You didn't, we should not be doing this. It's over. It's over.

It's time to go. And so I just always leave and I left last night. He just, I guess they just brought the hammer down. I have become a always leave early. You have. And by the way, I'm not mad about it. Beds the new alcohol. It is.

Bed is the new alcohol. I was finishing work yesterday, and I was like, you know, it's the last day. And when I wasn't, in the past, what I would always do is either get drunk or smoke some weed and blah, blah, blah. But I'm like, you know what? I'm not, I don't need that right now. Nothing. So I just didn't, you know, my kids came, my wife and kids came.

We all hanging out on set at the end. Came home, did homework. I was like, it just didn't have that old party vibe. It was nice, but it was just different. But the one thing I did is I went in the little crafty, cooler and I grabbed a Diet Coke. And this guy, this guy goes to me and he goes,

oh, you're grabbing a fridge sig. And I go, fridge sig. And he was, you know, a generation younger. He goes, yeah, we call Diet Coke fridge sigs. Wow. And I went, that's fucking accurate. That is accurate. I am grabbing a fridge sig.

Because I was like, you know what? A treat. I'm having a sig. And back in the day, it would go, you know what I'm going to do? I'm in the alley with some of the crew. Hey, man, can I, you got spirits, yellow? Cat bummed one of those? And they would go, yeah, no problem.

And you'd go, holy God, does this taste great? Remember those days? I'm not smoking a cigarette in 20, 26. That's insane. And I'm not doing a vape like a goofball. I'm not going to smoke a flashlight and be like, this week, me too. But I was like, this stupid box. This is what.

You had the box? This is what vaping looks like. Hey, man. As the dumbest thing, oh, it looks terrible. It's crazy. It's terrible. It's terrible.

It's terrible. It's terrible. For you, glad I quit them. But the look, the aesthetic is cool. If you're going to do one, don't smoke a box

with a little tube out of it. Just smoke a cigarette. No. Well, that's also, don't do either, but if you're going to do one. If you're walking by someone vaping, it's hard to look cool when you're like,

hey, man, that's cool cinnamon. Yes. Exactly. The problem is. There's also way too much exhale, smoke. Oh, it's crazy. It looks like a sports car that's doing donuts where they're like,

you'll be sitting in like somebody in traffic and they'll exhale. And I'm like, is there a fire in your head? When I vaped, I remember going into a vape shop a couple times. And the hang culture in the vape shop to me was one of the most disturbing things I've been around. They were having like plume competitions. No. And they were like blowing O's and then they were walking through the plume. Like it was, and I was just.

The worst. I was like, I can't be associated with this movement. All those cultures I hate. I hate little cigar shops. It's where there's like nine guys sitting around and there's so much cigar smoke and you're like, stop it. This is not as cool as you guys think. I agree. And when you, again, when it becomes like a defining characteristic, but vaping was like if hacky-sacking could be lit.

No, vaping would be like. if ska had a place. It was scah smoking. It really was. And you were just like everybody. It was that whole culture. Look, do it if you're trying to quit cigarettes. We don't know what you're doing yet, but it's maybe better than cigarettes.

Run away from the cultural aspects of this. Run away. But I do remember that there was two brands of cigarettes. One, American spirits back in the 90s. I was told that it came from a Native American tribe. Same. And there was just tobacco. Yeah.

And I remember literally being like, it's good for you in some ways. I remember thinking that. I'm not an idiot smoking a parliament light. No. I'm smoking what a native guy would have smoked. And guess what? In some ways, I'm healthy. Yeah, it felt like you were like, look, I'm apologizing to the indigenous cultures.

Yeah, but also this is the same. It came from the earth. What's the difference between this and a veggie besides that I'm smoking it? It was grown from the, you know. earth. The reason I don't like Marble Lights is because I get it, man. I know the man is cutting that with chemicals. And then while I was in it, they're like,

you know, this was bought out by the people who do Marbles and I went like, I'm just not going to listen to that. I'm not prepared to listen to that. Every time you find a little brand where you're like, hey, cool, it's a mom and pop. You're like, oh, Hershey bought it? That's a shame. Well, they just did. There was like a potato

chip or not a potato chip. Some like tortilla chip that was like a baked chip. And it was like, these are pretty good. They were, you know, and then all of a sudden they're like, it's owned by the people who do lays now and Pepsi. And I'm like, I hate you guys. I know. I hate you.

You're ruining everything. You ever have Dots pretzels? No. Best pretzels in the world. Then all of a sudden, yeah, sold it. Then now they're, it's like six. It's like buying an eighth of weed if you buy a bag of Dots pretzels. They are, it is like $25 a bag.

She's lost her mind. Yeah, by the way, hearing the term an eighth of weed takes me right back to being 20 and being like, okay, I've got $25 to $32. Can I get an eighth, please? One eight, sir? It's like one in a restaurant of being a soup. You know what you reminds you have? You know what you reminds you have the Chris Rock scene and I'm going to get you,

sucker? Oh. How much for ribs? $2,0.50. How much you give it at five? All right, how much for one? Pour it in my hand. Got changed for a hundred.

Everybody, enjoy the show. Hey, everybody, we just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help, it drops a day early on Hulu so you can watch the new episode a day early, and we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two, so get involved. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Omaha Steaks.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash help. Rocketmoney.com slash help. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. That's right, Jake. It's Wayday at Wayfair. So from April 25th through the 27th, you could score the best deals in home. You can get 80% off with free shipping of everything. Wayfair makes it easy to find exactly what you need in your house. If you want decor improvements, I, yeah, I really, when I went on Wayfar, I was like,

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and free shipping on everything. So head to Wayfair.com, April 25th through the 27th to Shop Way Day. That's Wayfair. W-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Hello. Howdy, guys?

Hey, how are you? Good. How are you guys doing? Good. I'm loving the accent. When I hear howdy, where are you calling from? I am calling from Jackson, Wyoming. Ultimately is Jackson Hole.

Jackson, Wyoming is great place. My family took two family vacations when I was growing up, one to Jackson Hole and one to New York City, both in 1986. Oh, my goodness. The year before I was born. The year before year we had. Eve decided to take some trips out summer. What a run.

What a year. Awesome. So, Jackson. I have, and I love it. There's not a good comedy club out there, though, is there? There's like smaller... No, there's not. I've done...

I was going to do a show there in like some hotel coming up. I can't remember. But that was a great place. Well, yeah, please come out. Cool. Can we get your name, please? Yeah, my name is Dane.

Like a great Dane. That's cool. So how old are you, Dan? 39, Borden 87. You're up to your trips. Just a little baby about to be 40. And so... Dane from Jackson.

And what are you doing, Wyoming? I actually work in administration for Jack's Home Out Resort for Big Ski Resort Aguirre. Cool. Are you from Wyoming originally or did you move there? I moved here. I'm originally from St. Paul, Minnesota, so another Midwestern. And that was about 12 years ago. I came out for a summer and been that long left.

All right, Dan. Well, take over, Big Daddy. What's you got? What's your problem? Yeah. Well, first off, thank you. so much for let me be on a show. This is amazing.

Talk great to each other. Yeah, well, like I said, I've lived out here for almost 12 years in Jackson Hole in the Valley. My girlfriend, who is also from St. Paul, Minnesota, has been out here for about five years. And both big outdoor enthusiasts have done a lot of hiking and backpacking in Minnesota and out west and stuff. But my girlfriend, we have not in the five years that my girlfriend has been out here, we have not gone backpacking in Grand Teton National Park or Yellowstone National Park because she is terrified of grizzly bears and grizzly bear attacks. As you can imagine, a very reasonable laundry, I think. So my question, what I'm looking for is I'm seeking advice on how to persuade my girlfriend to finally go backpacking in our busy bear country here. What should we call her?

Let's give her a name, Dane. Tilly Tudwell. Kelsey, what did you say? Timmy Treadwell. Timmy Treadwell. Timmy Treadwell's great. We'll go to Timmy Treadwell. Do you know Timmy Treadwell?

Yes. Because guess what? It ended badly. Yeah, sure did. I got to say, this is an odd one because, Dan, Gris is a scary as far. I am sorry, guys. It is scary. It's scary as scary as scary.

Grizzlies are the real deal. So, they're aggressive. They really are. No, I'm not. I'm on the same side. I'm just talking.

I think you're right, though. I think the difference here is this is not a, this is not a wild, unfounded fear. No, we're not talking about black bears. We're not saying,

no, no, they shoot up Grizzlers. Now, which one are you supposed to, because one of them you're supposed to play dead, one of them you're supposed to run

and one you're supposed to make yourself bigger. You don't make yourself bigger against a grizzles. You make yourself bigger a little against a little, against a little black bear, a little brown bear. But a grizzly, they're coming to fight, home boy. So what you run, grizzly, you run. You just die. Right, but I mean, the tactic before you die is right.

Here's the tactic. You make peace. If that son of the bitch is coming after you. If you look each other in the eyes. Yeah. So, Dane, tell us what have you done? And what's, I'm so sorry, let's not do Tim Treadwell, but what were you calling your lady's name?

Tim Treadwell works with me. I mean, that's fine. All right. Well, Kelsey. Kelsey is a child. Kelsey, yeah. Okay, Kelsey. So Kelsey loves the outdoors, but she is legitimately afraid of grizzly bears.

Correct. And to be fair, so am I. I think I just had exposure. Yes. What have I done? To try to get her less afraid of grisies. Sure. I've tried to talk her into going.

That hasn't worked so far. Yep. That's what we're at. that's where we're currently at. And again, we've done tons of day hiking here. You see grizzly bears all the time. It's just the backpacking and overnight camping in the backcountry. That's the real.

Oh, so you see grizzlies all the time when you're hiking. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of grizzlies. There's about 1,100 grizzly bears in the greater Yellowstone ecosystem. Wow. So it's like the two national parks and a five national forest around it. So, Dan, explain to me and some of our audience. what really is the difference in her eyes between hiking near a grizzly and sleeping near a grizzly?

Because I wouldn't want to even hike near a damn grizzly. Definitely wouldn't want to sleep from near one. What's the difference? Exactly. I think it's the unconscious nature of having to sleep in their territory. Kind of more than anything. Because we carry bear sprays and we know how to use it in case you do have some kind of negative encounter. But, yeah, I think it's just kind of leaving yourself to be elements once you're asleep.

And, I mean, I've camped and backpacks several times in this area. Okay, so I got my first pitch. And it's terrifying. I got my first pitch. Yeah, please go ahead. Because it changes it for me that she's able to walk by them and feel fine in terms of you're not by them, but when you're hiking, seeing them isn't a nightmare for her. It's just the sleeping.

Right. So here's my pitch for you. It's going to be the first time you do it. It's a one-night trip, and we're calling it for you bunker. You know those great Vietnam movie, Vietnam War movies where they're sleeping out in the jungle, and one of them is to stay up all night. Watch. Watch.

With Charlie Sheen on watch. And the hours go by and they get delirious. Well, Dane, here's what we're pitching. You don't sleep that first night. Oh, I like that. Because you want her to get comfortable doing this. So you go, here's what I want to explain. She goes, this is crazy.

You go, I know it's crazy. But I'm crazy for you and I want to do this together. She just needs to break the seal. Sure. You're on goddamn watch like you're in a war movie. And you've got to spray kit in your hand and you go, hey, we need you to sleep, honey. So you have a great day. And you're going to be tired tomorrow, Dan, but you push through it because of what you want.

And then the next one, you go. How about we do this, honey? I'm going to wake up every couple of hours and just check. But I'm going to be the first one by the door. So we do the tent, me, you in a corner, spray can near me. If that bear comes, it's not me. But the first night, total watch, second time, half watch, third time, quarter watch,

until you're just sleeping out there. Sure. I think that's a pretty good pitch, Dane. I like that a lot. I've got some other stuff that I'll supplement with. but I think at minimum for the rip the band-aid off first one, that's great. You're basically saying, I will sacrifice my time to make you feel more comfortable. Because I want you to do this with me.

I love you. I'm willing to do this. So I will do the first night watch. Honorable mention pitches that I have are get a, get like a bear pelt or some like fake thing like that. and you kind of build it up as you're building your tent to be outside. So it almost looks like there's a bear hanging out there. But I would say, kind of interesting, Gareth.

Oh, like one of those owls. A scarecrow. Yeah, a scarecrow. Yeah. A scarecrow. Yeah. A scaremare. A bear bear.

But a scare bear is interesting because it just, if they see it, they go like, I don't know what that fucking thing is. That guy's got. The only problem is you got to make it really big. So I would get like a, like a talk in the door. Yes, somewhat different because that's what you're having sex in there. I often put a bear outside.

I'm going to do it. That's what I did. But if you're going to do this, I would go something like a 10-foot pole with a sheet on it. Oh, yeah. That grizzly turns a corner and goes like, I can't make out what that fucking thing is. But I like scare bear, Gareth. Scarebear's first. My second is, let's pack an extra tent.

And we're going to do a... Fill it with me. I wouldn't do... Believe me, I thought for me. But let's just build a fake tent just to have there almost like a little, in a little bit more of a precarious zone, maybe like less hidden, so that if there is something, the bears are going to go to the fake tent first, then that'll rouse you.

And maybe even put some bells on the fake tent. So that if any bears are intrigued by the tent, so I'm going to go away from fake tent, but I am going to take from you on that. A bell perimeter. Yeah. Mel perimeter's good. Because if you just go around a bell, and it's excessive,

but if you do a bell perimeter, that Grizzly's walking in the dark and it hits some accord and goes like, it's going to go like, get me out of here. I think it's, I just think from the, like, I would not want to go sleeping in a tent in Grizzly country. I'm just thinking as a person who, that would make me feel more comfortable.

Yeah. Let me pitch one other thing. you give her and you you bring earplugs and then you bring a little speaker and play

either a clip we make right now or just episodes of our podcast on loop so that it never gets quiet out there and you play it

on the outside of the tent so that you guys are in there and outside of it like four feet from you all night

that bear just is to hear us gabbing. And I got to tell you, it'll just be like, shut up. I got to say, I got to say, I love it. And I think we record something new. And I think we would do it soon. And it's just looped up. And it's just anti, we're just going to hit them with like, get away from here.

And then that night, you guys had headphones. I mean, you guys get ear plugs in. So really quickly, let's just record. what that audio would be. Just so you haven't. We're going to go back to you, Dane, and we're going to ask what you want to do, okay? And Dane, do you want to be part of these sounds?

You're welcome to. I would say, do the first one just to you guys. Okay. And then Dane, feel free as an expert. If there's any direction, we're happy to take it. Sounds good. And then, Dane, we'll go off your count, so give us a 3-2, Piggly and Mo.

Three, two. Bigley, oh, I missed one, sorry. Three, two, one. Bigley and Mell. Get out of here. By the way, you mostly don't see the one. He mostly say three, two, bigly, and just, who cares? Who cares?

Who cares? Who gives it shit? All right, all right, I know the answer, Jay. Thanks, buddy. All right, down and down again. So we're going, three, two, one, and magic. Okay, Dane, listen, It's not a big deal.

But now that we're actually on the precipice of doing it, it's a three to run. There's no one. But if you want to go with magic, it's not three, two, one, magic and go. Yeah. The one is getting replaced by pigley and moe

or there's no pigley and mo. Or by magic. Or by magic. Oh, you're right the first time. I see, okay. Yeah. Let's try again. No, but okay.

Keep going. He did actually. And then he said he skipped one. Oh, yeah, that's right. He did. Right. Oh, I did. Yeah.

Okay. We get more. Going from three, two, Bigley, and Moe. Perfect. Out of here. Get out of here. Squat. Get away.

Hey, bear. Nothing here. No, Kelsey. Get out of here, you srat. There's already a bear here. We don't need you. Get out of here. Keep the change, you filthy animal.

Get out. No, you don't. What? Hold on. Pause. What? What if we just play the clip from Home Alone? So funny how early in that pitch I knew where you were going.

What if we just play the Home Alone clip with the pizza delivery? Well, there's one in Home Alone, too, too. So you can just merge the two. You just go like this on repeat. Like, I don't want your filthy money, you animal. I'm going to give you to the counterton to get your no good. So we call that one the Home Alone. My prop.

Exactly. The home loan pitch. Okay. My only concern with something like that is that the, you know, I'm going to get a park ranger called on me because all of a sudden there's gunshots going off. Well, here's the thing. You don't have to play. Dan, you don't have to play it loud.

Nope. Because a bear's hunting at night. It just, if you go at like a out of a 10 volume, you go out of four, but it just comes out of nowhere that bear is going to go like, what the fuck? You also can just eliminate the gunshots and just have the old man saying the stuff he says. Keep the change, you have filthy animal. You can just cut around that. You can also just go, keep that change of filthy animal.

Keep the change. Yeah, seven hours. By the way, you could literally just do that and then take a two-minute break and then have them say again, keep the change of a. A bear is not going to like that. Or we could just play the home alone. You could just play home alone. You could just play home alone.

You could just play the movie. You could just play the movie. He got a loop. One and two. Twice. One and two, and then the new one in New York. Yeah,

I'd have to loop it all night, you know. Yeah. The only problem would be, if you woke up and there's nine grizzlies just watching and dying laughing. And there's a bunch of raccoons.

There's deer. They're all out there going on. Yeah. Would it bring more people or more bears? It might literally bring the whole community of animals together. It might be the opposite. The first one comes up. And they go,

this movie is excellent. Yeah. It can only be. It can only be the original. It's that good. By the way, the original has turned into my Christmas movie. We watch it every year. It's the greatest movie.

Such a good movie. I do as well. I do as well. All right, so, Dane, keep going back to you, though, Big Daddy. What are we thinking here? We're so close to a win, I think. We just want to put you in one of these pitches, Dane. Get off the lot.

All right. So, I believe the decoy tent is what I would go with. Interesting. And it is interesting. As an addendum to that, if it's okay with you, you guys. Since I thought about this for several years, I actually have a short list of ideas that I've already thought of, only five of them. But if I would be able to read those two as well, not that I have to take those into consideration, but there's some other ideas.

Dan, we would love to hear them. Thank you. Appreciate it. All right. Number one, soak my hiking clothes and concentrated honeywater so that there's a clear and obvious twist. Wait, what? Soak your clothes in honey water, but that's going to attract the goddamn bears. Sorry, that's where I would go in camp in another campsite probably. That is very true. I still, I would just like to lure them away. Oh, so you put the clothes further away. I would say dangerous.

I don't love it. What we learned from the, what we learned from the gator call with the meat sack is don't ever attract an animal. Yeah, there's no point in just creating a, yeah, because then he's going to, because then if I'm a bear, I go, ooh, dinner. And then I got, there's nothing there. I didn't realize hikers were made of honey. Oh, over there looks like some meat. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think of you want that. So we don't want to sleep. You never want to sweep me. Nick's number one. Yeah. Never sweeten me. That's right. Number two, tell her all the grizzlies, just patting up the yellow stone and left.

But I just realized that that sounds like gaslighting. Lighting. Right. That's going to get mixed by us for sure anyway. Look at us going away from gaslighting. Yeah. Look at us growing up. Exactly.

Congratulations. I'm impressed. What a low bar. But we're not going to gas like. Look at us. Number three, develop a VR simulation so we can do a pre-trip walkthrough of our backpacking route and campsites. But that would also require for me to engineer a lot of virtual reality stuff, which

would have quite. You don't know how to do that? No, I do. Well, you know, you could do it's a great idea. You could do like a Google, you could do like a Google Maps walk. Yeah, but that's not scary. You could walk. She knows how to hike.

She's not afraid of the walk. It's got to be just scary enough. And the only way to do that realistically was you do the Google thing as you're going through it, a bear is also in your living room. Yeah, that's true. Because she's not afraid of the hike. I got to say, Jake, what I love about this list is first, we're beating the first three. Keep going, Dane.

What I love about this list is I feel like we have a PhD in pitching. Honestly, I feel like we're really good. I don't want to say that, but there's two left. So let's hope he doesn't have all right. I mean, unless these are great, I don't think that. they're going to be from the first three. He said, make a version of himself and covered in honey. Making a honey dane is really a great indicator.

And then he goes, but I don't know anything about VR? Not a good fit. Yeah, yeah. Throw Kelsey to the Bears. That's four. Four. What do you go for four? Well, number four was going back to the decoy tent idea.

Set up a decoy tent with big snoring sounds and park machines. I don't know why I added the fart machines on it for you. I don't hate a fart machine. I don't hate a snort. But it is more realistic, probably. I don't hate it at all. Yeah, but I don't think, I will say, and this could be a really stupid take, but I bet a fart sound would attract an animal because animals fart, too.

So if they heard snoring and farting, my dog snores. So I bet if they hear snoring and fart, they go, like, sleeping meat sack, and then the farts would go full of gases. Is that the same for snoring? Do you think snoring also is a... Animal snore. So we're saying no sound effects. They do snore.

I would not say make sense. sound effects of vulnerability. I kind of agree. I kind of agree. Oh, it's true. It's true. Then they know you're sleeping. If you're going to do sound effects, I would go like,

I'm training karate. Yeah, I would, well, I don't know about that, but I would definitely have some of the audio we gave you earlier, or again, home alone. Absolutely. I would go home alone. Keep to change you, filthy animal. Yeah, or Uncle Frank in the shower.

He's from. All right, number five, Dan, let's hear it. But only that. All right, last number five, I do have to preface this. This is an idea from my Jewish friend, Noah. but practice cage fighting bears with big hairy Jewish men. Okay, so we got nothing on all five. Wait, what was five?

Nothing on all five. But, Dan, I need to hear five again. I didn't give it. So get big, hairy Jewish men. Practice cage fighting bears with big hairy Jewish men. Oh, I got you. I got you. Yeah.

I would say our pictures are better. Our pitches are better, Dane. They don't involve loring bears with honey use. So where are you at? We've got yours out. We've got ours out. It's time to pick, Dan. We've got to put you in one of these things before we let you drive off the lot here.

Sure. You know, I'm still leaning towards the decoy tent with the Home Alone sounds and your guys' recordings. Okay. But I could also do the scare bears slash bear pro. Well, you're saying yes to three things, my man. So here's the thing. I'm combining them. Now, combining them is okay, but it is a lot of work.

And there's nothing wrong with that. But what we would love to do is actually do this and try to take photos or video of it with her. Because our show likes proof. They really do. Yeah, we like to try to get proof before we air the original if we can. And what's great about this one is if we never hear from them again, we don't need to say we were ever involved in this pitch because, you know, maybe something went south. Yeah.

I don't feel like that joke. No way. Me either, man. me either man that's the cool version of Berg I'm 100% with you I hated that pitch awesome Dan what are you actually going to do

and do you want us to talk to your girlfriend after you've decided do you want us to pitch it to it or do you want to pitch it to it oh I would love for you guys to pitch it to her okay we're going to do it without you though Dan yeah that's totally fine Okay. So tell us what your real plan is and we will pitch it to her.

My real plan to start with will be the decoy tent with the noises. Okay. And do you have a system of how you're going to do the noises? I can figure that out. Yeah. I can get like a little speaker. I love it. And are you going to do home alone? Are you going to just play that on loop? I'm going to do, I'm going to play the full feature length DHS tape of home alone. and then intermix it with your guys' recorded sounds and then start home blown over. I love it.

And then what's with the decoy tent? Is that where the sounds are coming from or is the sounds coming from yours and then there's just another tent like 10 feet away? The sounds will come from the decoy tent. Even if it's attracting animals with the noise, I still want to go to the decoy tent. I think where Jake's heads at,

which I just clicked into based off of his facial reaction is aren't we then, and again, Dame, we want to put you in one of these pitches real bad, but aren't we then suggesting, hey, commotion, scary tent over here, ooh, quiet, sleepy tent over yonder, I'll eat them.

You got a couple of people farting in that other one. Let's go kill them. Yeah. So aren't we saying, we don't want to protect the fake tent. So why don't we fake tent, quiet tent, they can go eat there, home alone tent, your tent, too chaotic, me bear, me no one.

to go there. That's it. I would also say, I don't know what a fake tent is getting us. Fake tent is getting you a, if they're going to go eat, they're like, oh, this is the option. Now, are you putting, like, bells around it?

I, my pitch was that there are bells around the fake tent, yes. Okay. Okay. But now we're going to be playing home alone, so we're not going to hear the bells. Wait, you know what you got to do then rather than bells, you got to put

Christmas decorations around. for them to step on. Well, now we're out of our minds. Throw a paint can out of a tree. Paint can. We got the car paper with a nail. And they get you some of a zip line that gets you out of there, man. So basically, Dave, we're pitching that you stay up all night and home alone, these two bears like they're the sticky bandits.

Well, here's the reality. Here's the absolute truth of this. There's so few times are you going to actually have a run. And this is just to make your partner feel comfortable because the truth is, right. None of this is going to come into play. We're just trying to get her to feel safe.

So the tent, the decoy tent, which I would put some sort of sound on it. I put some bells around it. And I would put that closer to where you think the bears would come if it's possible. If there's a path or something, I don't even know. Then near you guys, I would do the home alone sounds. So what she sees is,

the bear's got to go through so much different stuff before it gets to us. There's just no chance it's going to happen. And the reason I ask these questions, if we're talking to her, Dan, I think I can sell this. I think there's ways to go like, Kelsey, you're being crazy.

So I think Jake's right. I think the actual reality of it is really kind of just assuaging fears. So I think we won't point out the flawed logic in the Bell sound effect and the home alone. Agreed. Because it's just another level.

We will just, if Jake thinks he can pitch her on that, let's just leave it there. I know my guy's going to close. We'll pitch Kelsey on this our next session, okay? So, Dane, your walking orders are you don't tell her anything other than she's going to call into the show next week, probably. Got it. Don't tell her the pitch. Don't spoil it.

Sometimes I won't say anything to her. Hey, it was a great talk with you guys. I didn't listen. Now you got to do this. We want to give her the fresh pitch, okay? Fresh pitch. All right. All right, buddy. Thanks, Dane. All right, guys. Appreciate it. Love you, guys.

Thank you, Dave. Bye. Thank you, Dave, buddy. Love you, buddy. Love you, buddy. All right. See, guys. Bye. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

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It's more efficient. And the calls are oh, so clear. I didn't realize there was a change. But my bill is, whatever it is, like $15 a month. It's $15 a month. I can't tell a difference. But listen, if you. you like your money mint mobile is for you shop plans at mintmobile.com slash here to help that's mintmobile.com

slash here to help that's upfront payment of forty five dollars for three month five gigabyte plan required equivalent to fifteen dollars a month new customer offer for first three months only then full price plan options available taxes and fees extra see mint mobile for details hello hi hi how are you Yeah, good. How are you? Great. What is your name, please? My name's Hannah. Hi, Hannah. Where are you calling from, Hannah?

London. London. You're a Yankee in London, are you? Yeah, I'm from the Midwest. Where in the Midwest you from? I was in Chicago for about 10 years. This is exactly Jake's trajectory. What brought you to London? I decided to go to school, so I'm getting my master's degree.

Are you near a fourth and cathedral? That's not a spot. So no, I'll answer for her. I'll answer for her. No, she's not. Where do you think? Are you near fourth and cathedral? She's not.

You've invented an intersection. Fourth and cathedral is merged, by the way, and not a place. It's not a place. What can we do for you? Hannah, how old are you? I'm 32. 32. What are you getting your master's in?

Geography. Actually, no Just eating Just like Yeah, I'm going for the cathedral Getting Getting a degree in Well, project management

Which is silly and unnecessary But it's fine That's the spirit I'm glad I asked So Anna, what can we do for you today? Okay, I have A tricky one because really the problem Is me and kind of like

My bad attitude but I just moved to London. Yeah, Jake can't relate. He's the bad boy. That's not that tricky. This will be fine. Go ahead. I just moved here in September,

and I've had so many people, all my favorite people come and visit. I've had three people come and visit. I have five more visitors coming. Someone's coming literally tomorrow. And I am just getting really cranky when I have to go into like central London. and I'm ruining it.

I'm still having a nice time, but the last time I had visitors, I just told them to go off and do something, and I met them for dinner, but then I missed so much time with them. So I'm wondering if you guys have some suggestions to, like, lighten myself up or help me stay positive with my visitors

that these are more enjoyable. So they're obviously not staying with you, but they're just staying nearby. Sometimes they do stay with me, which is tired. because I live in, yeah, just, you know, not a huge apartment. But when they are nearby, yeah, I just see them all the time. So let me ask you a question before we get into that stuff, Hannah.

Why don't you like seeing the people you love come visit you? No, I love seeing them. I'm tired of going to like borough market or. Oh, okay. So it's not the other day. Yeah. And I didn't even want to, I thought if I was going to eat that cucumber sandwich, I'd throw it up. I'm just tired of doing the touristy thing.

Right. So everybody's excited that you're in London and they come see. You're excited to see him, but you're like, oh, for fuck's sake, I got to sit on the second floor of a bus again. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was trying to say. Okay, that makes, I thought it was, I don't want to see these people. And I'm like, I don't know what to tell you. For sure, no.

How do we make being a tour guide fun when people visit you when you're not a tour guide? Yeah. Thank you. That makes sense. Is that right or am I bullying into you a question that I can understand? No, you're not bullying it into me. That is the question. Okay. Yeah.

All right. That makes sense. Yeah. I think we can crack this, Gareth. I do too. What are you writing? I'm just thinking of different ways to sort of keep it lively from you that has no actual impact on their experience. So, for instance, you said the place with the cucumber sandwiches, right?

you go there and what if you what if you invent a person who works there that you thought was going to be working there and you could be like

is Don here and they'll be like Don, no if Don's here you'd be like he's the short guy he told me like the whole process of how you guys get the cucumbers

sorry I thought you guys were going to be able to meet Don he's awesome you could also go into some anytime you're around a person you could do kind of a fake Madonna accent like you could kind of get

a little bit of a weird sort of Jake international school accent. Accent. You also, you could just, this is a trope a little bit, but come up with fake facts. Since they don't know anything,

you could be like, most of these bricks are from like 1740, but then a lot of them, you could tell the ones that are a little brighter, they were redone in like 1931. It was a whole thing. There was a guy named John Bishopman, and he had to go through

and he had to do a slow replacement. You know, this is the first toilet ever in London. That's the first toilet. And that was what they called it a bog. They called the toilet. because they used to use sewage water. Like seriously from the swamp, so they call it a bog. Hannah, what about, I got an idea kind of going off with Gareth is saying,

what if you went to the places before that you were going to take them and you asked somebody who was going to be working that day, could you say like, so my friends coming in, it means a lot to them, they're going through a lot at home? When they come in, could you make it a really big deal that they're here? And so you could maybe get people working at the places to be, Like when you walk in, be like, Sarah! And you don't warn them about this so that you just go like, they go like, yeah, I'm Sarah.

They're like, great to see it. It's been forever, babe. And you maybe give them like, you go like, what can I pay you? Can I tip you now? This will be a really fun thing. Can we just pretend that she's like the mayor of London? Well, I like that. First of all, is it Hannah or Sarah?

She's Hannah. I meant the friend. Oh, great. So also, what if we came up with a fucking, like we just make a fake pamphlet of facts. And when you go and you say to these people, when I come in, I'll ask for the pam. I'll be like, do you guys have a pamphlet?

You hand it to me. And I can just sort of show it to them and be like, do you know the original, like, within the last 10 years, like London's population, you know, just weird. You know, you could also do there. Ben is actually named after a guy named Big Chef, Ben Shefford, who was just a guy who used to do fake Bigfoot, you know, whatever. You know what you could also do?

You could do half the day of the Torah stuff, and then the second half you go, but now let me take you to the real London. And you're just speaking to like the weirdest nothing with all fake history. So some of it has real history, but otherwise they're like, so this is just an Indian restaurant. You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then we've got a little sheet of paper that you, and they go like, wow, no way, but they've never. heard of any of the people? So then you go like, okay, have you ever heard of this band? And they go like, no.

They're like, okay, that's because they were the inspiration for the Beatles. Yeah. Oh. The Beatles ripped them off. But they used to have lunch here in 1962 at this table. They were the mop tops. They came here in 1940s. They had a picture on the wall that Paul saw.

And then he decided that was going to be the whole vibe for the Beatles. What do you think of something like this? Hannah of fake history just for fun. But be honest. I like fake history just for fun. No, I do. I get worried about knowing the real fun facts, but kind of knowing that I'm giving fake fun facts is funny for me.

So you could go like the places that you have to go to. You could give for every three real facts one bullshit fact. Yeah. That's great a good. So that they're also, because you don't want to, they don't want them to go, like, yeah, I went to London, she ended up lying to me because of this stupid podcast. Yeah. But if they go, wait, so that would you go, no, those three things were true, but then that one thing you did work up, you're right, I lied, because I decided to have some fun because I'm bored. Yeah, I think that's right, too.

So a three to one. You could say the hats that the guards wear outside of Buckingham Palace, the hat felt used to be originally made of panda. the Thames River was actually called the Times River, but the guy had such a bad accent when they were making the map that they just thought he was saying Tames. And the other stuff you could do, Hannah, is you could make, this is what you could do for us,

you could make up what the lies are, and then for each place that you're going to have to take people, the five restaurants you go to, you find three real facts, and a fourth one that you've written up. And so when they come, you go, I just tell everybody this. These are the things you got to know.

So we're going to have this sandwich here. This is the first place for a sandwich. And you tell the real one. And then each one you change the last slide to see how far you could get away with it. And each time you heighten and there's a game. And that is if they don't catch you at the end of the night, you tell them what happened. And you say out of six facts, you fell for all six. Therefore, I get this.

Five out of six is something. four out of six, three out of six, but you're pushing to see how far you can get on that last one where you could literally get as insane as you want on the last one for like all the extra bonuses. You could try to record on a voice note. And you go in like, well, this place used to be underwater. And they go, really?

And they go, yeah, and people would just drink the cafe, but they were neck deep in swamp water. And your mom goes like, whoa. And you're like, yeah, yeah, it was just, People used to live like that, I guess, underwater. I love it. And what you could do is, at the end of the night, you could hand them like you could have a printed piece of paper out,

and they'll be like, what is this? It's just eight facts. And you'll be like, these are the eight facts that I made up today. Did any of these seem like bullshit when I said? Oh, Gareth, at the end of the day, you could give them a quiz. And you could say, you know, I'm happy to do this chore with you, do this, but you know, I gave you a lot of facts. So now I'm going to ask you while you're drinking your wine and your hangout,

just fill out this questionnaire. And now that quiz, Hannah, you can compare to everybody else. And they go, I don't want to you go, for every visitor, you go like, Uncle Jerry, yeah. You got 85%. You are the smartest. And then somebody goes, they don't remember anything. And you go, were you listening? And they go, honestly, no.

You were giving me so many facts. I failed to test. And that could be a fun part of the end of the day. You can tell them at the beginning. You're going to have to take a quiz. I like that. And then what I also like is, you know, like figuring out, like trying to improve your score with your bullshit as you get first. Like, since you have so many people coming, you can be a better bullshit tour guide.

That's exactly right. It's like a stand-up. It's like a vet. You'll start working out your kinks and you'll find a better rhythm with your bullshit. And then you could get to one where somebody like your best friend, all bullshit. All bullshit. And you're trying to get more and more bullshit? This is where the Beatles stole their first.

This is where they stole their act from. Rod Stewart was born in this cafe. You know, they used to do it in half pints until there was one guy who came around and he could dislocate his jaw so they made the mouth wider. So what do you think of this idea, Hannah? This is great. I really like that it's gamified a little bit

where I can give them the quiz or ask them out of like these five. things. What do you think was bullshit? I just, I think that's really fun to keep, because I don't want to, I like that they're included in it. Totally. And that's the end of the night. So you're, you're happy to go to do all the things,

but at the end of the night, there is a quiz. End of the night, you had a couple pops, and that's where you start kind of revealing the truth. You know, some of these things you heard today, I did make up, you know, and you could kind, I mean, you could also kind of give yourself a score

if you wanted to, You know, you're kind of like, when I said that, was that weird to you at all? No, I'd be like, okay, great. Did this one sound weird? What do you think of this, Lendon? Let's go to you, Hannah. What do you think, break us through? Because we got an idea that can work now.

Let's start kind of closing it up. I think that's it. I really do think we got it. I think it'll work. One time I told my siblings, I really thought that the, well, I just mixed up words, but that the merchandise mart in Chicago has its own time zone. and they all believe me. And it's really just their own zip code.

That is. So I think that's great. Give us some other lies off the top of your head that you could say in London. Oh, no. Of the places you've been to, so like when you've taken someone under, who is the last visitor who came? Like one of my great friends from high school. Okay. And where did you take it?

I mean, we did all the things, went to a few markets, IT, Westminster, Sure. Okay, you got to do all of it. Big Ben, Buckingham Palace. Okay, so this is perfect. That's the checklist. So, Hannah, here's what I'd like you to do for the show. I would like you to, if you have kind of an itinerary of where you take people to all the things

so that they get to experience London, which is partly your job when somebody visits. When people come to L.A. who aren't from here, we do the Hollywood sign. We do all the stuff. Wall of the same. We go to the ocean. We go to the mountains. I show, go to go to downtown, get some great Mexican food, you do the whole thing. But will you write on a sheet of paper the perfect day itinerary for friends when they come?

And so it's like the Hannah guide. And then will you have three facts of each place? And the fourth one is interchangeable, but it's the bullshit one. And tell people as a fun thing you like to do is at the end of the day, you're going to quiz them. And then have the quiz, write it up. And so at the end, the last place that you go to is a pub. And go to one of the oldest pubs in London. Couple drinks in.

By the way, it doesn't even need to be one. You just say it is. Yes. But you find, like, find a historic place, make them do the thing, a couple things in. And then to the end of that, tell them, what's the lies and what were the truth? And then it becomes like a game and say, but don't tell any of our other friends. because everyone's going to do this and I'm going to keep track of everybody's score.

Yeah, great. If I may, Jake, may I throw out a few bullshit ones just for Hannah to have if she liked? I love their own time zone. You can say London has its own time zone. You can say, I hope you're enjoying Westminster because Eastminster is like the eight mile. You could say people in England call pocket watches

small ben instead of big Ben and that in 1955, clowns were made illegal in Piccadilly Circus. So Hannah, will you take over, do this, and follow up with us with a photo of the quiz? And after the first one, the next visitor comes, calls and tells how old it. And maybe after you do the reveal, after you're in this, maybe we get a video of the quiz reaction. Yes. Okay.

Yeah. Okay, great. Thanks so much, you guys. Yes. Thank you, Hannah. I think it's a win, Hannah. You have to do with it? I'm really happy with it.

I think this will be great. I'm going to start the quiz tonight. You should make an appointment on your way out with our secretary. We'll see it about three six months. Yeah, we're going to want to do a checkup real soon. And also, I would make a bullshit fact about Fourth and Cathedral, somewhere you wanted to take them because of something that you couldn't make it for. If you could, make up a lie about international school and Fourth Cathedral.

This is the biggest international school in the world where accents go to die. Yeah, but you had to make up the lie. But you could also say, this is where the famous Fourth and Cathedral used to be before the fire. But like so much history happened here at Fourth and Cathedral. Now it's a Chili's. But it used to be, this was where they used to do all the executions. Yeah, this is, yeah, totally. Yeah. This is where the gallows were. This is where the gallows were. This is where the Kings and Queens were thrown in, thwarting. But Hannah, I want you to make up the Fourth and Cathedral lie to surprise us.

Okay. All right. I appreciate you. Thank you, Hannah. Can we pitch in and buy Jesse a curtain? I guess you'll buy a curtain. I need a bigger curtain. I did let someone in, so they're just being out. There's a follow-up?

Sorry, sorry, sorry. You might need a little coaching from us about what's going on. Oh, wait. All right. Hello. I don't know. That was the wrong person. Did I let the wrong person?

You're going back in the waiting room, sir. Sorry about that. See it a bit. Take care. Oh, no, mind. Okay. I put him back. Okay.

So this is, I'm just going to tell you guys what this is. This is the guy with the, who, who, whose girlfriend, he wants to go hiking with his girlfriend and not get eaten by Grizzlies. Oh, and at the end of that call, you guys said you were going to pitch the girlfriend on the plan. So we have the girlfriend here. We need him first to remind us what the plan. Okay. So let's bring him in first. and then we'll bring them back.

Okay, you were right. It's like, lady, just go hiking. But when the show's run, guys, leave all this beginning in. Yeah, the chaos of how this actually goes. Hello, sir. Howdy, guys? Hey, bear buddy. What's your name again?

Bear buddies. Dane, like a great day. Dane. Okay, Dane. We know what's going on. We're going to pitch your lady here on the Bear plan, but we, look, we do a lot of calls. We don't remember where we landed. So what are we going to be pitching her on?

And what is her name? Her name is Kelsey. Tells. And it was pitching, setting up a, the problem was trying, getting advice on how to persuade her to go backpacking in grizzly bear country out here in the greater Yellowstone ecosystem. And we landed on setting up a decoy tent and playing the recorded bear noise. that you guys were making, as well as the full-length feature film Home Alone and setting

up all the accoutrements out and the tar paper with their nails. I don't remember this, Garrett's you. I don't think we said tar paper with nails date. I think you've taken a little over here. Yeah. So what we landed on is we made, we made dissuading bear noises, right? We were like, get out of here. Like stuff like that.

Correct. Get out of your bear. On that speaker, you're also going to be playing Home Alone because we wanted to play the part in Home Alone where the guy says, get out of your filthy animal. That just let us to just play the goddamn movie. It's a classic. And this is all going to be happening in a decoy tent,

you know, not too far away from you, but at a healthy distance so that if the bears go there, they're going to be scared on their way to you. Okay. Correct. Stay 300 feet away. Okay.

Okay. Jake, questions, prep. I'm really interested. What have you done at this point? Have you talked to her? Where are we at? I told her that I came on here and that you guys wanted to pitch this to her

in which she then demanded that I tell her at least what the topic was, but I did not tell her any of the ideas or solutions. Okay, Dane, are you willing to you, do the pitch to her and we're here with you jumping in and supporting you, but so we can hear how you would actually pitch to her. Okay. So let's, we'll set it up. We will get her on. We'll get her comfortable. And then you can say this we all came up with together. But I would love this to be between you guys so that she doesn't say yes to us and then gets off and goes like, I'm not doing it. Let's

see if we can actually close. Can I, can I give an overall tone note on the? that. I think, look, there's so goofy shit in here. We had a laugh. We need to be hanging in there with the seriousness. Agreed. This is not a joke to us. Yeah, we got to get this done. I can do it. Okay. And then what is her name again? Bring the bell. Kelsey. Kelsey. All right. Let's bring in Kelsey. All right. Nervous. Kelsey's here. Hello. Hi, welcome to the podcast. We're here to help. You're on with Jake Johnson, myself. My name's Gareth. And we've got Dane with you. And I know Dane told you a little bit of why he called in.

He had a problem. We had a solution. Jake, you're normally pretty good at these resets. I mean, what do you think? We hear you're a little bit nervous about camping because of the fear of a grizzly bear attack. Is that true, Kelsey? You know, I do feel that's been a little bit misrepresented.

But I appreciate you guys having me on. But, you know, we would love to do right now, Kelsey. Yeah, let's get on. your side of things, Kelsey, because now this is your moment to shine. Dan's in the back shadows. We're all staring at you. You got the microphone. What do you think?

So you're not afraid of it. Do you like camping? Where are you at here, pal? That's great. Well, you know, do I have a healthy respect for bears? Absolutely. They're scary a shit. But, and do my knees turn a little bit to jelly?

If we're out hiking and I see a bear on the trail, yes. Yes, and guess what, Chelsea? They should. Rational. Yes. Because you're human. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Thank you. I appreciate that. And I do have a background as a hiking guide in Alaska and Yellowstone. I've seen some shit. So. Wait, pause, pause, pause, pause. Pause.

Yes. I was in Alaska for all. What shit you seen, man? Oh, yeah. Well, you know, the bear's a real big out there. Yeah. Oh, you just have a real big. bears?

Well, and the bears are like, I'm not saying I've seen bears be mall small people in person but you hear

some, you hear some stories passed down from your fellow hiking guides, you know? What kind of stories you hear

because I've heard some crazy stories too. Like when bears start investigating tents that's not good. What do they do? They're too smart

for their own good, you know? So they smell a little bit of meeting that thing. as a source of food. Scary. So scary. And they're too smart.

They teach their cubs. Oh, my God. And then it becomes a whole generation of bears investigating tent for food. All these motherfuckers. If you're in that tent, I don't know. So you're telling me. It's okay. It's fine.

You're probably fine. But hold on. I did not know this. These motherfuckers are teaching their cubs? Yes. But you don't need to worry because the, Rangers, all the staff, they got it covered. They're fine.

They're okay. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You got a baby cub whose grandfather and grandmother are teaching them. You see that goofball in the North Face jacket with the heavy legs talking about myself. He would be delicious.

See how out of breath he is? He just started. Let's follow him. And then the young ones go, we're going to teach our kids. That's a meat patty sitting in a table. sitting in a tent. Chelsea, you're telling me that, so I'll never go hiking again. Well, no, it's more like, hey, you see that big backpack that guy's got? There's some good shit in there. Let's wait until he sets it down.

Okay, so I'm safe in the tent as long as the backpack is elsewhere. Well, a lot of people don't put their food elsewhere. Well, I'm not a fucking, Chelsea, I'm not a fucking idiot. You're not. You're not, but a lot of people are, Jake. A lot of people are. And so then the bears don't know the difference. Okay. So I am legit asking now out of fear.

So if I'm going to go, because I just spent... I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do it with you. No, no, no. I spent time up in Alaska. We made a little movie called The Sun Never Sets. And I did hikes and I was so afraid of Grizzlies. But, and then we also went to this beautiful place, Dakota and I was like out in

the fucking Grizzly country. So you're telling me. Very cool. If I, thank you. You know how gorgeous it is out there. The Sun never sets. And then it never rises. It is the weirdest.

place on planet earth. But Chelsea, if I were to go out, let's say I went out with my wife and we went out camping and hiking and these generationally are teaching their kids, not that we're food, how do I ever feel safe enough to sleep and attend if there's Grizzlies around? Okay, so you see my caution. Crucially, though, this does not stop me from. outdoor adventure adventure. This is the part that has been misrepresented.

I just approach it with more caution than other people. Maybe you just got to take the precautions. It's not all bears that do this. It's the problem bears. You just have to know your area. You have to take the precautions. Maybe bring a bear can. I mean, always bring a bear can.

You always bring a bear country. So what, if you were to give me advice to get over my fear of sleeping in an Alaskan tent, it's just because I am like we are going to go back and my wife does want to camp so just take precaution I'm not of course I am I'm not a goofball so what is it just put my food up a tree or something I am a goofball forget about it

but so hang the food from a tree and have a bear can what else I would honest to God my nightmare would be to be sleeping and have a fucking grizzly sniffing around my tent just like I'm afraid of sharks in the ocean.

Yep. That's very rational to me. Help me out here, Chelsea. Bear spray. I just want to jump in Kelsey. Everything else has been great. Go ahead. I'm saying Chelsea?

Yeah, it's Kelsey. Keep going. It's Kelsey? Oh, I can't. Yes, it is Kelsey. That's what I've been saying, kind of. That's, no. It's on my only note.

Keep on. I would. Make sure you don't have any scented things in your tent. Okay. So, deodoring. Candles. Deodorant?

Okay. That's like, yeah, candles. That counts, I think. Okay. Because, you know, it's all the, it's all the smelly things. Um,

and just have it, have it all far from your tent. Their cans are usually more effective than hangs. Like if you hang, you know, grizzlies can climb trees too. The common thing people don't, they think only black bears. No, I did think grisleyes can climb trees too.

No, they, they just, climb them differently. They climb them more like people. Terrifying. Like awful news. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Okay.

Sorry. I'm sorry to ruin all this story. No, no, no. Kelsey, you're doing great. You're actually helping and there's going to be a lot of listeners who you are going to help get over the fear. So put the food. I hope this doesn't stop anyone from getting outside, though.

You just take your precautions, have their spray and crucially know how to use it safely. Okay. And this is also for our listeners who we don't want to scare off. And you've made your point very clear. I'm scared, but if I take my precautions, bears aren't vicious serial killers who just want to hurt. But if you make a mistake, you might get yourself in trouble. So will you tell the audience why it's okay to go camping and sleep in a tent in bear country?

Most, yes, most bears don't want to encounter you. Most bears want to avoid you. So if you Just keep that in mind They They you know Most bears are just out doing their thing You're doing your thing

Perfect That actually helps If you take your steps to To avoid an encounter They'll be like Oh cool I'll stay over here You stay over there

This actually really helps So Kelsey will you do something fun for the show Will you go camping with Dane And do it so it's really safe You do it right There's no bears And then follow up with us and tell us what you did specifically while you guys camped out in quote-unquote bear country.

And so we can hear this before and then hear it after. And then that's the proof to the audience. We do this one in three calls. Sure. I do feel like this is tempting fate, but yes, absolutely. But why is it tempting fate? And also it is winter. Because watch us go camping, you know, if you just feel like it's a jinx.

But sure, I would love to go camping. Yeah, but hold on. Hold on, Kelsey, because then, now you're scaring me. Dude, you're like, go camping and have it be safe and no bears. And I'm like, awesome. Well, but that's the same thing with like surfing. No, we'll go. It'll be great.

It'll be great. But, you know, it's like surfing. Like a lot of people surf, there are occasional shark attacks. Random things happen. But also, you can be hit by lightning. I'm still going to walk outside. Yep. You know, every, you know how many people get killed by drunk drivers?

I'm still on a highway in my car. Exactly. People are like, oh, I'll just stay home then, and then their house breaks down. You're living in fear. Because you sound like somebody who loves the outdoors. I do very much. And it sounds like somebody who loves and respects bears,

which I think you were misrepresented. I think you fear them because you respect them. Yeah, I know too much, if anything. And so if anything, you're the perfect person to be out there showing that you could live amongst fucking grislies. and by the way in California don't have them. You all know why?

Because we all got so fucking scared of them and we hunted him and killed them all same with wolves. Maybe if we had a little bit of respect we could still have fucking grizzlies here where they belong. Preach. I do have, yes,

preach, fully agree. Can I say one thing about wolves now that you bring them up? Please. Okay, this is a, they're one of my favorite things. They're what's called a keystone species here in the greater,

everywhere. If anybody listening is interested, look up the Yellowstone reintroduction of wolves. It's so fascinating. Wolves are often vilified as like this demon creature, you know, and all the video games. I love video games, you know, but I always hate when I have to just kill a thousand wolves. I'm like, they're being misrepresented. They are not aggressive. They don't attack people.

But they are a keystone species. So when they are gone, prey, like herds of prey animals, don't. move as much as they should. They don't stay on the move. So they overgraze. The grass gets all messed up and these small animals don't move around as much. So the credit, it affects everything. It affects the grasses.

It affects the foxes. It affects the rabbits. So Kelsey, you know what you are? Kelsey, you know what you are? Kelsey. It's crazy. You know what you are? For my.

For this audience. And we got people in fucking other countries. We got about five people in Singapore who listen to this show. you are the voice and the action to represent these animals the right way. Let's get out of irrational fear. Well, I love that. Let's live amongst each other, but with fucking respect. But you can enjoy camping in the woods. You have to be very careful.

But we can all coexist. Do you feel comfortable going? on this adventure with Dane, Kelsey? Sure. Is there anything else you... It is winter right now. No, early spring. Early spring.

Yes. No, I'm saying it won't be for a bit, but sure. Yeah. So, do you feel... Go ahead, Kelsey. Go ahead. Well, I was just going to say, is there anything...

Is there anything else you want to sort of just stack the deck for safety? Or do you feel like you can handle... I was going to say, I mean, it feels like you've got to handle it. handle on it. Yeah, and anything you end up doing, just let us know. Hey, Dane, when would you like to go camping with Kelsey?

Can you put like a month or a week that we could start planning right now and lock you guys into your first trip together? Yeah, with our summer season, it kind of depends on snow melts and when places become accessible. But realistically, probably June. Okay. June to July. Hey, would you, Kelsey, would you be excited for a,

camping and hiking trip with your man in June or July of this year, depending on the snow? Yeah. So can we get you guys? I love you. Pretend I'm a lawyer and we have contracts in front of us. The contract basically says you guys are going to go camping together. You guys are going to determine how many days. Kelsey, whatever you need to do for safety as the expert, Dane will execute without any comments.

There will never be a, that's unnecessary. He will do everything you agree on and feel you need for safety because you're the expert. Dane, do you agree to that? I agree to that. Okay, so Kelsey, he was thinking. It's a delay. It's fine. Kelsey, you are in charge of bear safety for you guys.

And Dane will be part of executing it. Sounds good. You both are okay to sign this contract? Yes. Signed, field, and delivered. Yeah. Gareth. If I may, I'm happy.

Happy that we close the deal. On behalf of the show, if while you're out there, we could get maybe a couple audio file check-ins as the general temperature of the event, how we're feeling, how everything's going. I'm not asking that this becomes a top priority, but maybe three to four check-ins. And especially the morning after when we feel like we've gotten through it, if that's possible. Thank you.

Okay. Sounds good. Thank you, yeah. And we're excited. us about this camping trip and then after let us know in those voice notes where you're going so other people can do this too because it might help a little tourism and it might get more people out there and then also plug what you were talking about with the wolf thing the reintroduction if there's any websites we'll post that along that you guys think are important we'll connect that with that and

we'll post it on our social media too sounds great Kelsey you are part of the solution we're going to take care of these animals thank you I love it all right have Thank you, Dane. Thank you, Kelsey. Do it. Okay. Keep us posting. Love you guys.

All right. Bye. Bye. See it. It's so funny how, so funny how early in that call, I knew exactly what you were doing when you were like. I was like, dude, I got it. I was like, I didn't want you to start teasing me. No, I know.

Because I was like, I know she's so. Right away. I was like, oh, right away. You're like, you're telling me that this car is 250? That's the lowest APR I ever heard Wait That's not it We'd lose money at a dealership

Kelsey I'm not going out in the forest again This is terrible news I thought my tone was too obvious I thought she was gonna be like look I know exactly what you're doing It's not gonna work but and then she'd go like Well I mean you know about the wolves You're gonna be okay I am

Do you mean it I honestly felt like When I was like honestly at times it felt like like when I'm doing one of those moves with my kids where I'll be like, well, just pull your tooth and they'll be like, you can't. I'll be like, well, a guy like me, I can never do something like that, but you're way tough with me.

But I would be afraid, and they're like, it's not that scary. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, it is. And they go, no, it doesn't, you just go like this? And I'm like, there you go. Oh, my God. You're like a batter. Whoa. And they'll be like, it's just a tooth.

And I'm like, well, then they'll go like, mom, it's bleeding. Yeah, but you're going. Got it out. While we were doing another call, we just got an email from Dane, from the Dane and Kelsey Saga with the camping. And he wrote, thank you so much again to the helpful pod team for having me back on. And I'm so proud of Kelsey for coming on and just being herself. And of course, we'll make sure to follow up accordingly once we have a trip scheduled for June and July and provide audio and even video if that would help per the guy's request.

and please do come out and visit, take care, Dane. It's a go. That is a bell ring. It's now not even a discussion. They're going to go camping. Yeah, I think you're right. It is.

It's a ring. Come on. It's a ring. We'll get another ring when they're back on, but this is a ring. Yeah, it's a ring. Yeah. Assuming me survive.

That's the end. Hi, I'm from Thailand. I'm from Thailand. I just want to come. call in and confirm that the Thai fan are real, I'm real. And also to thank Jake for all the shout out to Thai fan base in almost every other episode for no reason. It makes us feel very important. And when I say us, I have no idea how big is the Thai fan base here. Or it's just me who's showing up in the system and I have been listening for more than two years. And if they are a

big fan base in Thailand. Hi to everyone. And yeah, I just want to confirm that the show is really important to the Thai fat, as Jake mentioned. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, Jake and Gareth. I'm Zala. I'm from Slovenia. And I've started listening to your podcast in December. And I've just been listening to it all the time. So when I was done with an episode, I would just go straight to the next one. and now I'm finally caught up. So I'm feeling a little bit lost. I don't know what I'll be doing with my free time now. But yeah, I just wanted to thank you for the podcast.

And for all the advice you've given, it's great. You're great guys. Bye. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at Helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh.

The cover artwork is by James Foste. animations by Andrew Strelicki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, do stand up on the road, go to garethrethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice, given on we're here to help, is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults

and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.