We're Here to Help - 279: Out-Crazy The Crazy & Rent-Free (with Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone)
Episode Date: April 8, 2026It's a New Girl Special! Hannah Simone and Lamorne Morris join Jake and take some calls. First, Hannah identifies too hard with a caller's weird roommate. Then, they help brainstorm comebacks... for a twelve year-old with an extra toe.Want to call in? Email your question to helpfulpod@gmail.com.PATREON: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmWatch episodes early Sundays and Tuesdays on Hulu.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
This is a headgum podcast.
This is a headgum podcast.
And we're back.
What's up, G, man.
Jake.
I feel like I haven't seen you in a while.
It's weird.
I know.
We were seeing each other all the time, and now it's slow.
out. What, uh,
we wrapped the pilot
last night. Wow.
And? Excellent.
Um, Dan Gore, Luke
De La Trecci.
Um, you got it.
They, well, we've decided he and I
have talked about, I can't say it, so we
decided to add a bunch of
lean in. Lean in to the Italian.
That's fair.
Uh, Akiva Shavar,
it's such a fucking dream team.
The cast is so strong.
The crew,
There is really something about working in Los Angeles.
Everybody's fucking good.
Yeah.
I'm like, our business is so stupid to be elsewhere and be like,
we saved money, we're in New Jersey, and it's fucking dog shit.
We had, it honestly felt like working with an All-Star team.
The camera operators were so fucking good.
The crew was so good.
The cast was so good.
I'm like, the locations we shot on Hollywood.
Boulevard in a...
Yeah, you're in Hollywood.
And then you actually get to shoot locations
of like an old PI building.
Well, it's an old building on Hollywood
and Los Palmas that's been there for a hundred.
It's probably where old detectives fucking were.
You're not in like Atlanta being like,
nothing cool ever happened on this street.
Let's create it.
It's literally where the detectives were copying
had a fucking built an office.
You have been primed to play a detective.
I agree.
It's your entire life.
In my entire life.
There's been nothing that.
I felt this way with New Girl
where it felt like
even during the rehearsal process
when like Max and I were put together around Zoe
I was like, ooh, this is a special team.
And then when Damon came, I was like,
fuck, this guy, this is special.
And then Hannah, and then when he left
and we filled it with Lamorne because I was really afraid,
I was like, ooh, Lamorin's good.
I do feel that way about this group.
Well, I mean, again, you can't count your chickens,
but there's a lot of good.
Yeah, but what you're good.
What you got to do, and we talk about this a lot, is today is the beginning to let it go.
It happened.
We had a great seven days.
I loved it.
Well, because then you'll be doing the other.
Then you'll be waiting for a second season.
I mean, it really is.
You do what you do.
Speaking of you do or you do, I got to say, G.R., the fans are hating the episode that dropped today with the sassy bravers.
And I got to say, you do what you do.
Our audience hates it.
I love those guys.
I love those.
They're so funny.
They're so funny.
They are.
What did you say today?
I go, you texted me something really funny.
I go, they're hating the episode.
And you said they're a particular type of comment.
I go, I'm just not sure what that is.
And you wrote, it's one guy asking questions and the other one yelling and obviously I like it.
I do.
I do too.
really, I think those two are so funny.
I do too.
Well, listen.
You know, there's a silent majority, I think.
Well, let's just do this really fast.
Just to give a little taste of people hating our show who listen to it.
Okay.
Because, you know what?
I've talked to a bunch of people who do podcasts now.
And a big part of podcasts are your base audience hating what you do.
Hate you.
Loves you and then hate.
Loves you.
It goes like, look, you know what it is?
A podcast audience becomes like a cousin at Thanksgiving
where they're like,
I've got to fucking see you every holiday.
But let me tell you what pisses me off about you, man.
Yes, yes.
Yes, and they really let it rip.
I mean, they do.
So it's early.
You know, we're doing this early in the morning on Wednesday.
The episode just dropped.
There's only seven comments.
So it's just starting on Spotify.
Arguably the worst guest helpers ever, four hearts.
Then a guy named Rick goes,
I don't think it's arguable.
Wow.
A guy named
Marky Mark 1000.
Funny, but a lot of cooks in the kitchen on this one.
Couple hearts.
Okay.
We're ghosts.
Not we are ghosts.
We're ghosts.
This episode was bad.
Two hearts.
Well, this might be positive.
I haven't got to the second half.
Initially, I was worried about the number of helpers on this episode.
But everybody seemed to control themselves.
Good job.
boys.
Control it.
That's an insult.
That is insulting.
That is so condescending.
How about this from Kristen?
You could commission the smut author from the other season, the one who was trying to censor
the audiobook to write the book.
That's right.
Rachel B.
I didn't think the helpers were bad.
And I thought Jake did good balancing everybody.
But he did sort of force Luke into making the audio for the smut book when he didn't
want to do it, which wasn't the best.
Also, I would not play.
You're on the fly decision.
And I'm forcing people.
So this guy, Luke, I don't even remember, but him being like,
I really don't want to on a volunteer show I called in on for bits.
I'm being forced.
I'm being bullied.
How about this?
Press the red button on your phone.
Hang up.
You don't like it.
Hang up.
Or guess what?
You don't want it?
Don't call in?
But then Rachel also said, also, I would not play the audio.
for the cow guy.
That could go south really fast, in my opinion.
He might get anger, get his feelings hurt,
and who knows how he will react.
I would do the other ideas, like new topics or something.
Thank you, Rachel.
So this is just to say, Gareth,
yet you do what you do.
And a lot of times people don't like it.
Well, you know, the good news is we are picked up.
That's because it's so easy to pick us up.
We just keep making it.
You're in a hotel room in my closet.
We got picked up.
Here's the problem with podcasts and the beauty.
And we've talked about it.
We're like, no executives.
You know what also?
No quality control.
No.
You got four teenage boys talking about what hot dog sauces they like.
Nobody ever says cut.
There's never a cut call.
Nobody ever says.
Hey, guys, you're fired.
Yeah, nobody ever goes, hey, you know, that's great.
Let's bring it back down to Earth a little bit.
Let's slow down a little bit.
Nobody ever says pass.
Nobody ever says pass.
But that's to say, enjoy the episode, the show.
And without further ado.
We are brought to you by Veracity.
Two words you hear more than anything else right now.
GLP ones and protein.
Most protein powders don't help with cravings.
I just got some of this and I've started using it.
And it's, uh, I love it.
Doesn't take long for you to open social media and you're going to see all this stuff about protein.
My algorithm is crazy. It's all this sort of stuff.
But you can add this protein to everything.
Do you want to have protein to your coffee?
Now you do.
Most meals don't cut it when your life moves really fast.
So Bracity's metabolic power protein is like a safety net.
Metabolic safety net.
Solid protein, stable energy, and happy gut to satisfy cravings.
I really, uh, I did not know what to expect.
have been using it for a couple weeks.
Look at me.
You know what I'm saying?
Take a look.
But you know, I mean, look, what I know?
I'm just trying to build some muscle.
I really am.
My weight fluctuates so much because of my lifestyle on and off the road.
I cannot recommend it enough.
20 grams of plant-based protein to fuel your metabolism,
and that's without unnecessary sugars or toxins.
So what's the secret?
The key ingredient is my overa,
which amplifies your body's ability to use protein more effective.
effectively. Get the protein in your diet you need and satisfy your cravings the natural way with
Veracity. Head to VeracityHealth.co and use code here to help for up to 65% off your order.
Once again, that's V-E-R-A-C-I-T-Y health.C-O for up to 65% off and make sure to use our
promo code here to help so they know that we sent you. And we are also brought to you by
Bucerbox. Talked about butcher box before. It's hard to eat healthy. It's hard to eat healthy.
But if you want to get meat delivered to your place with no antibiotics, no added hormones, no additives, just clean fuel that makes you feel lighter, sharper, more energized.
Get yourself some butcher box. I got some chicken from the butcher box.
He's a vegetarian for a long time. My doctor was like, get a little meat in your life.
So I'm very selective. I do not eat it a lot. But when I do, somewhere like butcher box is somewhere you can trust.
No hormones, no mystery ingredients.
It is spring.
It's about to get chaotic.
You got your life is crazy.
It just, it takes one thing off your list.
So if you're trying to feel stronger, clear,
a little more put together before summer sneaks up,
starts with what's on your plate.
Not bad to have a little, get a big butcher box,
toss it in the freezer,
have it for when you run out of stuff.
You go, oh, you got the butcher box.
It's going to be 100 premium protein options straight to your door,
including 100% grass-fed beef,
free-range organic chicken,
all this stuff,
seafood, whatever you need. And as an exclusive offer, new listeners can get their choice between chicken breast or top sirloin for a year or ground beef for life, plus $1,000 for life, plus $2,000 or top sirline for a year or ground beef for life, plus $20 off your first box.
Free shipping always. That's butcherbox.com slash here to help. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you.
This episode is brought to you by Wayfair.
That's right, Jake. It's Wayday at Wayfair. So from April 25th through the 27th, you can score the best deals in home. You can get 80% off with free shipping of everything. Wayfair makes it easy to find exactly what you need in your house. If you want decor improvements, I, yeah, I really, when I went on Wayfar, I was like, oh, my goodness, it's everything. It's overwhelming. I'll tell you what I bought on Wayfair was a robot vacuum. Yeah, what's, how is that going? It's going good. I had had one before.
Okay.
I got the early version of it, so I keep buying them.
I give it a name, and then there's a little remote I control,
so I can go at my dogs a little bit, and I can go at my wife's feet,
and then I can pretend that the robot likes me more than her.
It's interesting.
This took a really, you said you named it?
Yeah.
Do we get to, we all want to know the robot's name.
I got a little, like, a thing for the end of the bed where I put all the bedding,
like a grown man should.
What would you name it?
Al. Wayday is the sale to shop the best deals in home. We're talking about up to 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. So head to Wayfair.com, April 25th through the 27th to shop Wayday. That's Wayfair. W-A-I-R.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello, how are you?
I'm good. How are you guys?
Good. What's your first name?
Ryan.
Ryan, you got a new girl special.
You got Hannah Simone and Lamarne Morris.
They were just recording their podcast, The Mess Around.
I was supposed to do it, but there was a misunderstanding with Hannah and I.
That's true.
And Lamarne's mad at me.
Yeah.
I would say, mad.
I was just saying we're not on the same page.
And we're not on the same page.
then what the fuck kind of book are we reading?
Exactly right.
Ryan, where are you from?
I'm from New Mexico.
New Mexico?
Yeah, we love New Mexico.
You do?
Never been.
Neither.
Ryan, New Mexico, if you had a book, an autobiography,
what would it be titled?
Let's get to know you a little bit.
What would it be tiled?
I'm trying to think of something clever.
Don't think of something good.
Who are you?
Just adventures of Ryan, I suppose.
I don't know.
That's cool.
So you want a lot of adventures.
Yeah.
That's cool.
I like to, yeah.
I like a good adventure.
You married, single?
I'm single, yeah.
Or I got a girlfriend.
Sorry.
I'm not married, though.
Okay, okay.
How old are you?
How old are you?
I'm 20.
20.
Okay.
How old is this girlfriend?
19.
Where'd you meet this lady?
On Tinder.
What was it about her profile that you decided to swipe on?
She had a really funny, fantastic Mr. Fox, a Halloween costume.
And she liked very cute.
Okay.
And how long have you two been together?
I think we just passed our three-month anniversary, so pretty new.
Oh, let's go.
You know what's love when they say.
three-month anniversary.
That's right.
Because three months,
that's usually,
that's a little past my bedtime
right there.
What do you mean?
Two months and I'm out.
How come?
I don't know.
I just disassociate.
Under eight weeks?
By the way,
you just use my buzzword.
I get that,
my man.
Okay, Ryan,
you're with the,
what are we calling your girlfriend
just in case it comes up?
What are we calling that girlfriend
of yours?
let's call her Grace
Let's call her Grace.
Okay, so Ryan and Grace
Adventures of Ryan,
a single guy,
20 and 19 met on Tinder,
been together for three months.
What can we do for you today?
Yeah, so, I mean,
I don't know how much you guys have read
of the email, but I'll tell you the whole story.
Ryan, the three of us have heard nothing.
Yeah.
Okay, so about a
A couple months ago, I got a new roommate. My old roommate got married and moved out. And so we got this new guy. We'll call him Colin. And one day, it was like two months back. My roommate comes out of the bathroom. This is my other roommate, not Colin. And he just sort of calls me into the bathroom because he doesn't know what he's looking at. And I go in there and when I see is an empty, like, bowl that you eat out of and then a bowl full of raw eggs.
like sitting on the edge of the bath.
Okay.
And so we were kind of like, that was weird.
And Colin had just gotten out of the shower.
So we were like, what was he doing?
He's kind of a strange dude.
So like we genuinely thought he might be eating the raw eggs.
Okay.
So then he comes home later.
I'm sitting on the couch with my girlfriend.
And I was like, hey man, I saw there's raw eggs in the bathroom.
And he just goes, yep.
And he goes into his room.
And then finally when he came out, I was like,
oh yeah, I wanted to ask you, like, what was that about?
And he was, yeah, she told us that he washes his hair with the raw eggs instead of using shampoo.
Hold on one second.
Hold on, Ryan.
You nod yes to that, Hannah?
Yeah, I know lots of women who do that.
Wash the hair with raw eggs?
Yeah.
How come?
I don't know.
I don't know.
It's just like a, you can do it with olive oil, you can do with honey, you can do it with ever.
It's like a hair mask that you can do to help, like, hydrate your hair.
It's just like a, it's kind of known.
No, not crazy.
To help hydrate your hair?
Yeah, people do hair masks.
Champo.
A water mask.
No, it's a hair mask.
We do all sorts of condomsions, okay?
Don't look closely at the feet.
You don't put a gator and eat hair.
Go win the championship.
I'm just saying it's known.
I'm easily shocked and that's a very known hair mask.
Okay, well, I'm actually happy to hear that because I was a little shocked and I was really weirded out.
But maybe it's just a hair thing.
So Ryan, keep going.
So maybe he's just washing his hair with those eggs.
Yeah, doing a hair mask.
Doing a hair mask.
Cracking eggs.
Yeah, I mean, I look it up.
I don't think he's lying about it.
Okay.
All right, so keep going.
I more just kind of like want him to stop
because he's leaving bowls of raw eggs in his bathroom.
That is fair.
He needs to clean up his hair mats.
So what is the specific question we could help you with?
How to get this, your roommate,
to stop leaving his raw eggs in the bathroom?
Yeah, and he's just kind of a strange dude all around.
And I don't know how to like bring it up.
Also, like, we don't really like him.
So I want to, like, bring it up with him without, like,
without my dislike for him, like, coming through, like, just, like, objectively being like,
hey, man, don't do that without, like, it's, like, I'm.
Yeah, what else does he do?
Who's buying the eggs?
You mean, is it, like, shared eggs?
He's a shared eggs?
He's buying his own eggs, yeah.
That would be shocking.
If I bought groceries and somebody was cracking him over their head out of a few,
I'd make him eat them out.
Yeah.
After you wash, scramble that shit.
It would change the dynamic.
Yeah.
I'm not buying eggs for you to crack them on your head.
I'm just not doing it.
I'm just not doing it.
He's cracking eggs in his head.
I feel like the fact that I'm such like a crunchy, hippie kind of girl has totally deflated your call, Ryan.
And I'm so sorry.
I think these guys would have helped roast your roommate and you would have felt better.
And I'm like, totally normal behavior, man.
I don't know what to tell you next caller.
And you were so confident.
confident Hannah that Lamarne and I were like, okay, yeah.
Well, Hannah says everybody does it.
I'm so sorry, right.
Okay, what else does he do?
That's weird because I can't believe that the reason why you just want him to not live with you anymore is because of this.
This is correct.
More going on behaviorally that you're uncomfortable with.
So let's dive into that.
I like that.
Yeah.
So he's like just kind of a dirty roommate.
He leaves his food out, like on the table.
He doesn't do his dishes.
Okay.
He is, this is kind of in the vein of the egg thing,
but he's just kind of this like health nut,
and it's really annoying.
Like, we were talking about drinking Diet Coke the other day.
And he told us how it, like, causes Alzheimer's,
and that just kind of really brought the vibe down.
Hmm.
You know what it sounds like?
We could never be roommates.
It sounds like you're living with Hannah.
I'm sorry.
Is it me?
Brian, I got news for you.
Oh.
You're the bad roommate.
I'm kidding.
No, I don't believe that.
I'm kidding.
I just think this is like a clash.
This might be a bad fit.
That's all it is.
But Ryan,
so what are we calling this guy?
He's not Colin,
but who's the bad room?
He's not Colin.
I thought Colin was the other roommate.
No.
He's Colin.
Colin's the bad roommate?
Yes.
Colin is the bad roommate, yeah.
And then I have two other roommates.
And they all feel the same?
It's three to one?
I do not know about one of them.
So it's two rooms and we share.
So the one, the guy I share the room with, he's on board totally.
Like, he's my best friend, and we've talked about this at length.
But the other guy, we don't know how to approach him without, like, seeming like,
we're, like, bullying the other guy.
Yeah, I understand.
He shares the room with Colin.
So he's probably taking the brunt of the weirdness.
Ryan, is this a college experience?
Are you guys just, yeah, yeah, I am in college.
Okay.
And so the way you guys live together, is this, like, through dorms?
Is it that random?
No, but no, it's not.
How'd this full become your roommate?
But it's similar.
It's like, it's like college, only college students live in my building.
Okay.
Okay.
And so you can't kick him out?
I don't think we could, no.
Maybe if we complained to the apartment complex,
but I think they would just tell him to stop.
They wouldn't like actually get him out.
I got a true college roommate story.
I don't think I've ever told either of you guys.
When I first went to University of Iowa.
I got placed with this guy.
True story, it's going to sound like I'm doing a bit.
I swear on my life I'm not going to exaggerate this at all.
One of the weirdest experiences of my life.
Okay.
We didn't.
We weren't friends.
We didn't get along.
We just ignored each other.
He used to play his, like, synthesizer all the time with headphones on.
And he would just be like, boom, and then he'd be like, eh,
I was like, I don't, go lose it, right?
Then one day he goes, you know what sucks about having a little dick?
literally I swear on my life it's going from like
I'm laying in bed and I hear you know what sucks but and I went like what
and he goes you know what sucks about having a little dick and I go
what Scott and he goes no matter what when you meet a woman eventually she's gonna see it
and I went like all right man I was like and we weren't we didn't bond
so I was like all right man that's all right and then he goes no it sucks and I go
Okay, man.
And then I swear on my life, he goes, look.
And you look, because you're on bunk.
No.
Honestly, I was so thrown.
Now I would say, like, I wish in the story, I didn't see anything.
Sure.
I literally like I was being, I went like, hey, man.
And then he was like, what a tell?
I was like, hey.
Lost my mind.
I was like, are you out of your mind?
But even that guy kept living with.
Yeah.
So you stayed living with him?
There was nothing to do.
It was the kind of like, what am I going to do?
Going like a, who am I going to complain to?
Yeah, that's kind of what it is.
I think.
It's college.
That's why I was like, if it was like an apartment, it's one thing.
You're part of a thing.
So you're stuck with this guy.
Yeah.
You're stuck with this guy.
Thank you just, you either, there's only two things to do, which is exactly this.
You sit in your room with your best friend in the entire world and you complain about him.
Yeah.
And you bet you bet you bet you about him.
And it's a season of life.
You won't live with them forever.
Or?
And then it's done.
and you get to tell fun stories later in life about it.
Or you try to do a house meeting
and you guys make some brules.
You know what, Hannah, what I like about you today is you're very confident.
Thank you.
You said there's one and two.
It's very normal to crack the eggs on your head.
But you're wrong.
There's more than two options.
What's the other option?
You fucking out crazy his ass.
Oh, that's true.
Because right now he's leaving.
You got to start chugging Diet Coke salt egg.
You got to trigger this man.
You got to leave.
Yes. You make him lead.
This is true.
Or he says to your behavior,
hey man, why are there like
Big Mac rappers in the shower?
And I go like, I rub them on my body.
That's right.
You're cracking eggs in red?
I'm cracking Big Macs on my head.
You got to take a McDonald's French fry bath, bro.
That's what you do.
That's what you do.
Because you said he leaves the bowl,
he leaves the bowl of eggs there, right?
Raw eggs.
Yeah.
So what you got to do when he comes back,
leave it there, but put scrambled eggs in it.
And a fork.
And a for it.
To make him think you're cooking his eggs and eating them.
And don't tell him that you're not doing.
Don't mention it.
Don't say anything.
Just make it a little bit different for him.
Ask him to say,
can I use your eggs in my smoothie and then just take it and put him in?
But I like the no.
So, Ryan, I got a question.
If we go down this road of pitching kind of out crazy the crazy,
are you going to do any of this stuff?
I mean, I would try to out crazy him, but like he's pretty out there.
Like, I don't know.
I can give us more because all we got is diet Coke and eggs right now.
And right now it just sounds like Hannah.
That is like legit.
Well, no, I mean, there's still a little annoyance with leaving your food everywhere.
Yeah, the dirty stuff.
But if it's just in the bathroom with the shower.
No, he said the dinner, he leaves his food on the table.
Yeah, he doesn't do his dishes.
That's pretty gross.
So what is his big annoyance that he's a slob?
Is his big annoyance that he does these weird, like health stuff?
How do we boil this down, Ryan?
What is, because what we're going to, like, look, we can do Hannah's thing very easily.
Right.
and that is you just grin and bear it, you deal with it, and it's going to be over soon.
Two, we could figure out a way to help pitch on a house meeting and how you could get that going to get things discussed.
Or three, I still think out crazy in him.
Or because if he's a health guy, you start getting weird toxins, you start lighting candles.
I want all the scented candles.
Scented candles, weird sprays.
That's right.
Where he goes like, what is this?
And you go like, for a bathroom spray.
Yeah, that'll kill you.
And he's like, the smelling everywhere.
All the stuff that is bad for you, but most 20-year-olds don't care.
That's right.
So that he says, hey, I need a division from your insanity.
That's right.
You got to make him break up with you.
You got to make him break up with you.
That's it.
And that's an easy way to do.
But what else about Colin do we not know, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I just met him.
So there's definitely a lot.
I don't know about him.
But he is a conspiracy theorist.
Like, he does not believe in the moon landing.
she's kind of always telling us about like
oh you know you guys got the vaccines
cheap
he doesn't own headphones as far as I can tell
so he just kind of listened to these videos
out loud in the living room
I'm sorry Ryan
Ryan I'm sorry to tell you this
Hannah Hannah is about to leave because you're describing her
in such a way
it's making her uncomfortable
You're not a believer on the moon landing?
I'm so sorry, Anna.
I'm a conspiracy theory, for sure.
Oh, no.
What do you think about the moon landed?
I don't care.
But do you think they landed on the moon?
No.
You don't.
It just looks so weird and suspicious.
It does.
I don't know, but me personally, I go, I don't know why they would lie about it.
I don't know there was like a space race.
Racing with Russia.
Yeah, we got to beat Russia.
I understand why they would lie.
But wouldn't Russia be like, bro?
We just got up here and y'all ain't here.
Or they lied too.
They both lied.
They're like, we're up here too.
Where are you on?
We got a monkey.
We got a monkey.
Can't talk to the monkey.
So I got a feeling like it's not enough for me to care about it.
But when people say like, oh, the earth is flat, then I start to go, all right, man.
You lost me there.
Moon landing is one of those things where it's like, Hannah, you were so confident at the
beginning of this.
I got to go, Jake.
It's really good.
You're confident.
Are you guys breaking up with me and you got Ryan to call?
Ryan's our new.
Ryan's our new.
We got to get Hannah off the group thread.
We got to out her crazies.
So Hannah, how about this?
You live with a couple of guys.
You're 19.
Your personality now is out there.
Yeah.
What could they do to get you?
All of these things.
No, but if you were, if you're Colin, right?
And now we're talking to Ryan.
Yeah.
What could Ryan do that you would not want to live with him?
How do we get you to want to break up with Ryan?
from being a living.
I think, honestly,
the out crazy the crazy
is the only way to go
now that we've gone deeper into it.
And he's got to,
this is terrible to say out loud,
but he would have to feel like
the home is unsafe for him.
Right.
Which for him is the scented candles
and the chlorox
and diet coax everywhere.
What if you also went to a pet shine
got a rat?
Yeah.
Oh, dude.
And you knew,
or you got something,
you know,
that made it look like
there was a raccoon in the house.
And when the food's out,
you put your hand in it
and mix it around.
And then you go,
has somebody been leaving raw eggs in the bathroom?
Because we literally have rats.
Oh, yeah.
Strong ones now because they'll be getting on the question.
You know what I mean?
They're like Rocky Balbollah.
They're just chugging raw eggs.
Yeah.
I like the sort of rodent idea
because it would sort of convince him
that like it's his fault
and like we're not going to do anything about it.
Because at the very least,
he'll start cleaning after
he has to
because there's rats in the house
Yeah
And at least
You know
He'll be a little bit more bearable
To live by the way
For the common space
He has to
Yeah
Yeah
That's where the house rules
Here's the thing
If you're just trying to
Modify behaviors
You might need house rules
If you're trying to get him
To leave
Yes
Then you don't want him
To modify behavior
You need to like smoke them out
I've got a thought
That's gonna seem
A little joky
But I think it's better
Than a rat
What if you say
You came home
And you saw a raccoon in the house?
I mean, I would have to get my other roommates in on it, I think, because, you know, they know me pretty well.
Just your main roommate.
You guys came home, Colin and the other guy weren't there.
There was a full raccoon in the bathroom eating the eggs.
It was terrifying.
The kitchen was torn up.
You open up a couple of bags.
You throw stuff out.
You scatter things around and go, hey, guys, this ain't a rat or a mouse.
There's a goddamn raccoon who got access.
I don't know how it got in.
Open the door.
With its hands.
Those little fuckers can do this.
That's terrifying.
They can.
Say, this little fucker knows our code.
Yeah.
It's swipe my ID badge.
He goes to school here.
He's actually cool.
He's wearing a backpack.
His name is Howard the record.
Because here's what I'm trying to get to, buddy.
Hey, Colin, other guy, we need to have a talk.
Why?
The house is, I don't know what's happened.
I think we are all messy, but there's something wrong with.
Oh, here's another idea.
The place is haunted.
Here's why.
If the goal is to get him out, the ghost love eggs.
Something crazy happened.
I don't know if you guys are into this, but I was in the bathroom and I saw a reflection
of a cold track and eating the eggs, man.
We got to get out of here.
Yeah, you have to do.
You're going to have to level.
I don't think you going around with
Chlorox and Candles is going to do it for this guy.
It is hard to find a place that you want to live.
Obviously, the guy who's sharing his room is cool with him.
So you do have to start to get a little weird with it
where he just goes like, I can't do it.
And I want him to go to the R.A., can I move by March 15th?
That's right.
And they go, why?
And he goes, I don't want to tell on anybody.
Everything's fine.
That's right.
The guy's pretending there's raccoons in the house and ghosts.
That's right.
And then he can.
could tell others, that guy Ryan's a goofball.
That's right.
Fine. Okay. Fine. Yeah.
And then you say to him like, oh, you're moving out, man.
I thought you're going to help me fill these raccoons.
No, man, you got it. You got it.
You got to be kind of bummed. You got to be kind of bummed.
Yeah. All right. That's what you want to do.
Like, man, I hate to see you go.
Yeah.
But Ryan, that will, that could work.
Yeah.
But what I get from you is a lot of, I don't know if I could do it.
Where are you at?
Yeah.
I just don't know if I could pull
that sort of deception off.
Like, I don't know.
I think he would, like, immediately catch on to it.
Okay.
Here's what we're going to try.
Here's what we're going to try.
Will you be, um, Colin?
Yep.
Will you be Colin's friend?
Sure.
Ryan.
I'm going to be your buddy.
You just came home.
Okay.
You're telling all three of us about whatever you feel.
Who am I again?
You are, you're the egg partner.
Okay.
Um, and you're pointing.
is, Ryan, you're trying to get
Collin to kind of go,
I think I should probably boogie soon.
This isn't the environment
I want to live in during these years of my
life. And he can get out of it.
So take a second, Ryan,
and come up with everything you've heard,
your best strategy. You guys know who
I hate? Who? Dr. Fauci.
And am I trying to, like, freak him out
or am I trying to, like, lay down rules?
What do you? You know what,
Ryan, at this point? You've got to make that
decision. I know you're just a 20-year-old kid.
Okay.
But this is time you've got to pull those big boy pants up and start starting.
I stopped bleaching my asshole because it gets into my system.
Really?
So what do you think that does?
Yeah, I think honestly, I think it makes so your brain is susceptible to government persuasion.
Oh, no way.
It's like fluoride in the water.
Yeah.
I hear that.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Colin.
What's up, man?
I hear some of that's good for you.
Yeah.
Florida, I mean, it's with the cavities.
Yeah, I don't believe in cavities.
What's up, Ryan?
Hey, Colin.
What's up, brother?
And John, I was just.
I was in the bathroom earlier, and I saw the raw eggs again.
I'm just worried about attracting rats because I found some, like, little feces below some of our beds.
No way.
And I heard scurrying in the walls and rat noises.
Right.
I was wondering if we could put the raw eggs, maybe up on a shelf or in your room.
Maybe.
Here's what's happening, man.
It's one big ecosystem.
Right?
The eggs attract the rats.
One big family.
The rats ingest the eggs.
They digest the eggs into a form of feces,
which we could also use as a facial mask.
Okay.
Technically, he's not wrong.
Stop it, Hannah.
That was Hannah and Lamarne now.
You do are nuts.
That's how things work.
Ratchet is not of angel.
I will go along with the eggs on the head madness.
But when you confidently go like this, he's not wrong.
He is wrong.
John's going to believe what John's going to believe.
Okay.
John's getting weird.
Don't tell you about John in the third person.
Hey, Ryan, let me ask you this.
Let me ask you this.
When cows drop deuses in grass, what does it do?
Flourishes.
Okay.
So when rats drop deuses in your mouth?
Stop.
Dry dicks.
Which is good for the teeth.
This was not hard enough.
So if that's going to be your approach, nothing's going to happen in my opinion.
Yeah.
If you go in there and you go like, hey, man, I was just wondering it might attract rats.
I do think Lamarne was comedic about it, but I think he's right.
He's going to have a spin.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't really think that's a big issue, actually.
You know, actually rats don't like eggshells.
Yeah.
And you're like, no, they do.
And then he goes, well, there was feces in the kitchen before.
I mean, we just have mice in an old building like this.
You mean, they ate them.
And then you're, yeah, and then you're in a conversation about nothing.
You've got to come in and say, I saw this happening.
Yeah.
It's way worse than a guy.
I've already, I'm contacting the school.
I've got to figure out with the janitor or whatever.
But we had a little bit go.
You know what you got to do?
Allergies.
No, you got to hit him with the bill.
So you got to be like, I'm going to call pest control because this is your problem.
I called for a quote.
It's going to be two grand.
That's on you.
That's tough.
What if he's like my dad?
You said you got to come in hard.
Yeah, no, I agree.
But that's tough.
What if Colin's dad's rich?
How's Colin's dad doing, right?
He's like, whatever.
Well, Ryan, what do you think about coming in harder, either with the animal or with a bill?
Okay, yeah, I could come in a little harder.
Like, hey, guys, I saw a rat and I know it's Colin's fault.
And it was eating the eggs.
Yes.
And it was eating specifically the eggs.
And so, and then, you know what I would say?
I saw a fucking rat eating the eggs.
And then when I came in, it ran right in the toilet, went down the drain.
Yeah.
So we have rats in our toilet because of your eggs, man.
And they're going to come up and, like, eat the shit out of our butts.
Yeah, they're going to crawl up our buttholes from the drain.
This is a huge problem.
Richard Geer style.
This one's a gerbil.
It was a gerbil rat safe thing.
It was very different.
You know there's a rumor that's Stallone?
He did it too?
No, he started the rumor about Richard Gear because he was pissed off about him.
Oh, I hope.
And he did a fax to his publicist to start a rumor because he was so pissed off.
That's incredible.
And everybody knows that story.
That's what he did.
Ryan, here's what I recommend.
You walked in, you saw a rat.
It was eating the eggs specifically.
You freaked out.
I'm afraid of rats.
I yelled.
The fucking thing ran into our toilet and crawled down.
This can't happen again.
And then go, hey, man, if you want to do this kind of stuff where you put food in
your hair or whatever, maybe will you move?
But in this house, I got a big phobia of rats.
So I need everything to be really clean, but I'm freaking out here.
Go ahead.
I got a good one.
Where is Colin politically?
Feels like a dangerous question.
I know.
I was going to do it too.
I was like, I don't know.
Yeah, is that the same thing.
That's the one way to get someone to go these days.
Let me just ask.
Where is he politically?
He's pretty hard right wing, I would say.
Here's what you do.
You knew that?
Here's what you do.
Hard right wingers putting eggs in his air?
Here's what you.
Yeah, you don't believe in the system.
Like, you're very close.
I thought it was going to be a really liberal hippie.
This is where the bed diagram does not cross over with mine.
But that's a wild term.
Dude, here's what you do.
You get a lot of democratic memorabilia.
You put, you know, you have signs in the house.
You ask if he wants to, like, sign up for, like, a protest.
Sit on the couch and read Kamala's new book.
That's right.
I do have a large sign that says no blood for oil.
Should I put that up?
In the house.
In the house.
But also, you know what you could also do?
get a group of students
for the no blood for oil committee
and start hosting in your living room.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I actually have the friends
that are like in the communist club on campus.
Yeah.
There we go.
By the way.
How comfortable you sound now, right?
And for you, Ryan,
you might be a communist,
you might know, but you're interested in the club,
so you volunteer to host the communist club
in your living room.
Yeah.
This will get him so, you'll be like,
I'm not living with a bunch of comments.
he's running.
Ryan, this is that.
Okay.
Because then you make it seem like he's one of the group.
Yeah, because he lives there.
I don't mean you wouldn't want to live with me next year.
Yeah.
No, there's no way he would.
No.
He's literally living with communists, which would be his nightmare.
Absolutely.
Dude, I think you figured it out.
This is it.
We cracked it.
Ryan, what are you going to do?
And how are you going to pull it off?
Well, I think it's going to be like a two-pronged.
Like, I'm going to do the big, like,
uh, communist meeting.
Like, I'll have my friend.
over. I think you're probably going to get like 10 people in. I'll volunteer the host of the meeting.
And then just like sprinkle in some like, like I'll talk to my, my friend, the roommate.
I'll talk to him about like, I'm, we need to kill these capitalists, dude.
Like, we just start sprinkling in some ideas, you know.
But this idea, but yes to everything besides the kill.
Besides murder.
But I think this is the right move. You turn this into a communist sanctuary.
And we're going to run them out.
Yeah.
This is another version of smoke them out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I do truly have to say, I do think we killed it.
Yeah.
You sound real comfortable with this idea, right?
It's the first time you've come to a life.
I thought we gave some good pitches before, but I think this is the most you.
Is that accurate?
Yeah, yeah.
Definitely the most me, I would say.
Will you take photos of the first communist party?
Because I also want signs in the back.
This is a safe space for communists.
communist welcome on your front door
No capitalist here
You can't go light
You can't go light
There's got to be art work
There's got to be a lot of red
There's got to be a vibe
Because you get one shot
He got one
And what he has to go is
And if he goes
Hey man I don't feel comfortable with this
Then you go totally respect it
I don't feel comfortable with your mess
And you crack an eggs on your head
And he goes
What do you mean?
And you go the eggshells
I don't feel comfortable with that
And he goes
It's eggs on your head
and you go, I'm just a communist who likes to use government-issued shampoo.
Yeah. What do I know, dude?
To me, as a communist, eggs come out of the, you know, you got to eat those.
Yeah.
We have nothing to spare, right?
So that's really offensive to me to take an egg that a chicken gave us and crack it over your head like a maniac.
And he'll go, but I don't feel comfortable, and you go, either we split up or let's just both keep our weird stuff in our own rooms.
Okay, yeah, I like this.
Ryan, send us a bunch of photos, but go over the top,
and then follow up with us, okay?
I definitely will.
Thank you guys so much.
Thanks, buddy.
This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.
Listen, go to Squarespace.com.
This is where it's all happening, guys.
I've been working with Squarespace for a long, long time.
They just really help you kind of build up your business.
Because it's an all-in-one website design place.
It's a website where you design websites.
But it doesn't just help you with websites.
It helps you pick the right name.
It helps you scale up your business.
You can show off what you're doing professionally.
Get people there.
Get you paid all in one place.
Like I said, I've worked with Squarespace for a long time.
I have so many websites for different things.
All Squarespace.
We on the show have used Squarespace repeatedly to help people out.
We love them.
We use them.
Can't recommend it enough.
Can't imagine going anywhere else.
So go to squarespace.com for a free trial.
And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain.
This episode of the podcast, we're here to help is brought to you by MintMobile.
Oh, sweet MintMobile.
Jake, listen, I'm like you.
I'm like Steve.
We like to save money, right?
You're using your big wireless carriers and they take the money.
There's all these fees.
There's all these things they're adding on.
And you just think that's the way it has to be.
Well, it doesn't.
And Steve, tell them why.
Because the thing is about Mint Mobile is you're going to save money.
It's more efficient.
And the calls are oh, so clear.
I didn't realize there was a change.
But my bill is, whatever it is, like $15 a month.
It's $15 a month.
I can't tell a difference.
But listen, if you like your money, Mint,
mobile is for you.
Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash here to help.
That's mintmobile.com slash here to help.
That's upfront payment of $45 for three-month five-gigabyte plan required equivalent
to $15 a month.
New customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan options available,
taxes and fees extra, see MintMobile for details.
Hello.
Hello.
How are you?
I'm good.
How are you?
I'm doing great.
Can I get your name, please?
We're going to go with Stella.
Stella?
Stella!
You're with, this is a new, hold on, Stella, it's a new girl special.
You got Hannah Simone and you got Lamorn Morris.
Lamorn and Hannah.
You got the Mess Around podcast team.
Are you listening to the Mess Around yet?
Say yes.
I have been, yes.
Good.
Okay.
I just heard the clip where he asked, oh my God, who did he ask?
Oh, my God.
Can you please clear it up on this podcast?
You know, Nassim and I have been friends for a very long time.
Yes.
We played husband and wife.
Oh, somebody just asked me about you.
You asked her on a date?
No.
So, you know, for years, fans have been always like,
are you going to date in real life?
Because you guys did the movie together.
On our show, we did a bit where I call Nassim and say,
I go, I'm just going to date Nassim.
And I go, Nassim.
What's that?
You're trying to date?
You look single.
And she's just like,
yeah,
we're just going to talk about
your Raya dates
and all that's like,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a funny bit.
We're all in on it.
We're laughing.
And then every news outlet picked up.
Every,
he did.
Yesterday.
But it's on the same day
that the Garfield news broke.
He news people,
everything,
all they covered in,
Lamor and Morris asks that
to see Padrot and the Garfield thing
just got lots.
What network is that?
Paramele plus was so much.
so mad.
And we're just like, it's a bit.
It's not real.
It's full prank sinatra.
Way too big.
It was way too big.
Way too big.
I mean, it was like,
people think it's real.
People are asking me like,
somebody brought it up to me, actually.
I just remember I got a text saying.
I think it was asked out and I was like,
okay, I don't know.
No.
I didn't really ask her out on a date.
No, just being idiots.
Now would I?
Don't start it again.
Don't start it again.
Nassim be looking right, bro.
You ever see Nassim in like a gown, dog?
Nassim come out in a gown sometimes, man,
looking luxurious, looking just regal.
You know what I mean?
I mean, are you making a weird play here?
There are times when I think about Nassim.
And he's just...
But keep going.
Also...
Bro, I got these lights in my house, right?
Changes any color, right?
When it's purple, I get into a romantic mood.
That's cool.
I like to re-watch the new girl episodes, you know, for the mess around,
the Nassim everyone's, and I turn the lights purple,
just so I can feel that connection one more time.
You know what I'm saying?
Purple reminds me have a prince.
That's true.
That's a whole other story.
Speaking of that.
Stella, what's going on today?
Okay, so my 12-year-old daughter was born with an extra toe.
Okay.
She had loved this thing for whole life.
She loved it?
Yeah, I sent Natalie a picture in case you guys want to see it,
but we don't really want to share that on social media.
Oh, I see.
I'd like to see it.
Just for our viewing pleasure, but it won't be shared with the world.
All right, so maybe let's, yeah, so we'll keep going then, Stella.
Okay, so basically I need help on making her feel,
less awkward and uncomfortable about it
because we used to love going to get pedicures and stuff together
and she didn't want to do that recently
when we had a girl's day out with my cousins and when I pressed her on it
she said well I just don't like the comments that everybody makes
every single time she needs a story yeah we need something
She needs a comeback.
Yeah.
Oh, really?
She needs, oh, my God, you have six toes and then blank.
Yeah.
Something that she's going to take the interaction and win with it a little bit.
Yeah, you got to use it to your advantage.
Because I will say, like, if I was in track and somebody who's like, I got six toes,
I'd be like, yo, they run faster.
Oh, really?
If I was rock climbing.
One, two, three, four.
That's not even, there's nothing.
She's got five in a third toe.
Yeah.
Like a little thing.
What are you talking about?
She looks like she has four toes and one slightly bigger toe.
Okay.
So this is different.
She just has her fifth toe is a little bit big and then it looks like that.
I thought it was straight up six toes.
So.
Well, so it is.
They couldn't cut it off in delivery because it has its own bone and everything.
So it's a toe.
It's considered parodactyl is what they call it.
But she
She doesn't want to get rid of it
I've asked her if she wants to get it removed
She has no intention of it
She wants to keep it
It's got a name
It just you know
What's its name?
How do we make her feel more comfortable
Because she's 12 now too
And if she wants to wear like flip-laps
Or open-toed shoes
Kids are mean
Yeah kids are mean
What's her toes name?
It's Maryland
Because Marilyn Monroe
also had a six-tow.
You're working with so much here.
Yeah.
You're working with so much here.
I agree.
You know what I mean?
I think especially at this age,
kids don't understand what cool is yet.
Yeah.
Having a six-toe,
especially, and you name it Maryland after,
because Marilyn Monroe,
one of the most iconic people in history.
Gorgeous, sexy talented.
I got a crazy pitch.
Yeah.
Because you're right, Lamar.
But I think she's looking for a little bit more.
How about this?
They go, oh, my God, you have six toes.
Or what would they kind of say that she doesn't like to hear?
Like, what's a kind of comment she's giving?
They just start, they just start to make a fuss about it.
They're like, oh, six toes.
Someone always makes a joke about trying extra for it.
Or they ask her if she's a good swimmer because of it.
And it's just like, she's not a phone.
They're not web.
She goes like this.
That's nothing.
When I was born, I used to have wings.
and a tail.
And they go, what?
And you go,
I had to get rid of the wings
and a tail because as a baby
I would fly everywhere.
And they were going to put me
to study me because I could fly.
And this is the only thing I held on.
It's just a six toe.
It's not that big of a deal.
But I still have some other powers.
But if you blow it up
and then you go like,
like I was born, like when I was first born,
they go like, oh, I got,
you have six toes.
You go like this.
Yeah, it's not a big deal.
When I was born,
I had full on wings
that stretched 15 feet.
and I could fly as fast as a plane.
And I had a tail that my balance was,
she goes like,
I could balance on a beam in the middle like,
like a monkey.
And they're like,
what?
And then they go,
yeah,
so I got,
I had to get rid of all that.
And I go,
because I couldn't be in society.
Yeah,
I was a superhero.
Like,
quite literally.
So I got rid of all those,
but I wouldn't allow,
my mother allowed me to keep this,
but it's just nothing.
So then they go,
what do you want an extra two bucks to pen it back?
What are we talking about here?
A fucking six toe.
It's tiny.
so that she has, she just kind of clowns them a little bit with this,
what are we talking about here?
Yeah.
Or, I mean, I like that idea.
I also like, have you ever seen the movie 8 Mile?
Hell yeah.
Are you asking her?
Yeah.
Yeah, have you seen the movie?
Stella, have you seen 8 Mile?
I personally, I haven't seen it in years.
Yeah, it's been a long time.
I would do a rewatch because Eminem does a great job
of using what people would make fun of him of
as his superpower, as his strength.
So she knows what all the kids are going to say about her toe.
Instead of, here's how you dissolve all of that instantly.
Oh, you got an extra toe.
Take your sock off and go, yeah, you want to see it?
Yeah, you want to see it?
You go, it's Maryland.
It's called Marilyn Monroe.
And they're going to be like, oh, you get an extra toe.
You're like, yeah, I know.
You want to see it?
Here's the other thing we can do on this.
Going off of that same idea.
and this is going to, if she can pull this off,
it's going to give her great comedic timing
as she gets older, every time she needs to act shocked.
What?
Yeah, so pretend your toes don't look like this?
Or no.
She doesn't know she had it.
I go like this, pretend you're the lady in the nail salon.
Hi.
Oh, look.
Oh, hey.
Oh, I didn't know.
It seems as if you have an extra toe.
What are you talking about?
Oh, yeah, I see.
Sick.
Her issue isn't with the nail technicians.
But then in school.
How about that?
It's in school.
How about this?
We're in school.
And I have flip-flops on.
You're another kid.
Oh, look at you.
Oh, you go with the extra toe.
Oh, you didn't know?
I'd never seen it.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry to break the news.
I feel so bad.
Then you go, relax.
I've had it my whole life.
Chill out.
Oh, okay.
All right, well, you're going to be friends?
Yeah.
But there's an instant.
If every.
Every time she does the joke, like she had no idea.
Yeah.
Your thoughts, Anna.
Here's what I would say.
If you're going, because you talked about going for pedicures with your daughter and then
that kind of gotten ruined because she feels like everybody makes a big deal.
It's similar to what your thought was, was my first thought, which is you be the super mom,
which is Queen Distract.
So if they go like, look at that toe, you just go, I have three nipples.
You do something, anything.
You move the focus.
I would not,
I would not call that super mom.
Supermom means I'll make myself
intervene.
Yeah, but what do you do to intervene, Stella?
I usually step in, but not,
I usually just change the subject.
I'm just like, ha, ha, yeah.
And then I try to change the subject
or something else.
Never use the third nipple tactic.
I'm just saying you've got to distract.
Okay, what about...
It's like the wings in the tail.
What about painting it a different color
and leaning into a little more
was saying before where they go like, oh, my God, you have six toes and go like this.
Yeah, five or mine, one's Maryland.
Yeah, Maryland's got her own thing going on.
And she goes like, and then she goes like, I can't control her.
I've been trying to get rid of her forever.
But Marilyn is like a 65-year-old woman that will not get off of your daughter's foot where she goes
like, it's unbelievable.
She'd been, since I was born, she's just hanging on.
She says the wildest things.
I got to shut her up sometimes.
It's like an ventriloquist down.
She's from the 60s.
Imagine what comes out of her mouth.
She smokes.
Yeah.
Indorse.
Yeah.
But she just creates a funny that Marilyn is his older character that's a pain in the ass,
and it's always on her foot.
And she's with, if the other kids make funner, she's with them.
Yeah.
But then she'll go like, guys, she's, she's, she.
Maryland's really, I'm going to have to deal with this later.
Yeah.
But Marilyn's got, I mean, it's got nothing to do with your daughter.
Just this weird toe that just hangs out on her body.
But guess what?
She's like, I know I could get rid of it.
And I would also say, like, I have the option.
get surgery, but I just don't feel right.
She's a nice woman. What has she ever done?
She's a nice toe. She hasn't done anything wrong to
anybody. So I'm going to keep her,
but, you know, it's just, you know, she doesn't
have anywhere else to go. Yeah.
She doesn't have nice, all her nine brothers and sisters
are gone.
But she's all alone
in this thing, and I got my set. I got the 10,
but I'm just letting Marilyn.
Honestly, I got too, I got too big of a heart.
I can't get rid of her.
I feel like you love Maryland.
If you play that, then I'm teasing.
you, but you're actually essentially
a really nice person doing charity for Maryland.
Right. Right. Right. You're like, yeah. You're like,
oh, obviously I know. I'm not a goofball. I've seen Marilyn.
And then you go, like, put your hand over your foot and go like,
she's the whole thing.
Sweet lady, sweet lady, but this is the whole thing down here.
And then you go, hey, tell me, since I've been a baby, what are you going to do?
And I go like this, but what are you going to do?
She's a six toe.
You guys all have five toes each? What are you guys?
It's a short season. That's what I'll say.
She's 12, right?
So it's a short season
where she's going to feel like this.
Yes.
And it won't be a big deal
because here's the problem.
Like you said,
kids are mean.
And if it wasn't Maryland,
it'd be something else.
But referring to it as a short season
I really like about adolescence.
Yeah.
It's a smart way of putting it.
It's just a short season.
It's a short season.
So she'll get through it
and then she'll get through it.
Of course.
That she could go at them for.
Jeremy's dad drinks heavily.
His name is Jake.
and it sticks with you
but what do you think
Stella we've given you some angles
that I think could possibly work
but where are you at on all this?
I think we could use
a lot if not all of them
at different points in time
I like
the idea of over exaggerating it
and then making people feel
stupid for making a comment about anything.
And then you're like, oh, I do. Hold on, so you know what you could also do in terms of that.
Pretend it's something bigger that she has on her foot.
And then when she goes like, but it's not what they're talking about where they go like,
oh my God, what is that or whatever?
Pretend it's this huge.
And then you go, oh, my God.
Oh, you're just talking about that little toe?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then you go like this.
Oh, it's an extra toe.
I was born with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She is a pretty big personality.
and I think she could pull off the surprised by the toe.
Yes, that's fun.
Especially if I'm not with her when this shit comes up.
Stella, how about this?
What if you make little business cards that says,
I have a six toe, but don't talk about it.
I don't want my other foot to feel jealous.
Somebody brings it up.
She just goes like, here, you go like this.
Yes, I have a six, but I only have,
unfortunately, I only have five on my right foot.
And my right foot's really insecure about it.
So she just hands a card.
I think that would, that would, that would be a lot, I think, carrying,
who carries business cards around anymore?
She gives them a QR code.
All right, so Stella, what are you going to do here?
And also, if she ever wants to call on the show,
we'd be happy to talk to her.
I can see if she's here right now.
I can see if she'll talk to you.
You know what?
Stella, I'll also say to you just so you know this, she should read Padma Lakshmi's story.
Because Padma Lakshmi, who's like one of the most beautiful women on planet Earth, supermodel, she hosts Top Chef for a million seasons.
She actually has a pretty big scar on her arm.
I feel like there's a lot of women where a lot of people focused on something that was like physically, visibly different about them.
Right.
And they would just flaunt it then.
And it became the most like non thing about them
because they weren't trying to hide it.
They weren't trying to do a big distract from it.
And they were like, yeah, this is just how my body is.
That's true.
If you just say, yeah, this is how my body is,
now what?
I know, but tough at 12.
12 they don't get it.
But there's a lot of really amazing, gorgeous women
that have kind of walked through this world.
And they're seen as the most beautiful women in the entire world.
Winnie Harlow?
Winnie Harlow.
I have her.
I do have her here.
Okay.
How you guys always used to walk around.
when you were little and be like,
thing crust pizza,
no thanks,
I'm from Chicago.
Oh, yeah.
That's who does this podcast.
Do you want to talk to them?
Oh,
interesting.
I thought she's talking about.
Hi.
Hey, what's happening?
Hi.
Nothing much.
What's your name?
Or make up a name.
Charlotte.
Charlotte.
So Charlotte,
your mom was telling us a little bit about you.
that you got a sixth toe, is that correct?
Yeah.
And we're figuring out ways that you don't have to,
first of all we saw photos,
it's not a big deal at all.
As three grown people who were on a TV show at one point,
which gives us very little credibility.
But it is a not big deal at all,
but what do you think about this?
What do you think about if somebody comments on it,
you pretend to be very shocked,
and you've never seen it before in your life?
So when they come...
That would be really funny.
Right, it could be, Charlie,
because when they see it, your thought is like,
oh my God!
And they go, what?
And you go like this,
how did that get there?
Everybody run.
Everybody run.
Their toes are coming from everywhere.
Then you're going like this.
Everybody, take your shoes off.
Check.
Check.
This was not there a minute ago.
And then look at your hands and be like,
thank God there's only 10.
What do you think of that as an idea?
We got other pitches.
No, that's really good.
I like that.
You do?
What do you think about pretending the toe
is like a 65-year-old woman named Marilyn
that you're doing charity about
and you're just letting her hang out on your foot
because she has nowhere else to go?
That would be funny.
Rent-free.
Right, right.
There you go.
You're already building on the bed.
By the way, just preferring who it is rent-free.
You let that toe stay rent-free.
Oh, you have six toes.
Well, I have five, and I let the six one stay rent-free.
By the way, Charlotte, I don't think you need anything else.
That's it.
Why do you have six toes?
I don't.
I have five.
I'm just letting this extra one stay rent-free.
That's a great line.
What's anybody going to say to that?
They're going to laugh.
They're disarmed by your charm.
Yes.
And they're going to go, oh, she's funny.
But by the way, if I said to somebody, like, oh, he got six,
And they literally said it's not mine.
I only have five.
But I'm letting this one take rent free.
And they go, why?
And they go, it's really good friends with my other toes.
Everybody laughs and moves on.
You can't take these two apart.
You can't separate these two.
You know, the new one, the one you see and my baby toe, they're best friends.
And the foot that they were from wasn't a great family environment.
They ever heard of Nick and Schmidt?
That's fun. You name one, Nick, you name one Schmidt.
There you go.
But what do you think of that idea?
Charles, that could work big.
All of these ideas are really good.
Thanks.
Go ahead, Lamar.
One final pitch.
If anyone ever makes fun of your toe, you punch them right in the mouth.
You go, shut up.
This is a protective dad's approach.
You go, shut your mouth.
Yeah, what about the old school?
Shut your mouth.
Shut up.
I'm making so you only have six teeth.
Then everybody's like, oh, you're right.
No, thank you.
Yeah, nobody wants to get beat up.
Walk around and always have a black belt from karate that you could buy online.
And they go, hey, hold on, let me just get this out of my bag.
And your blackout, you just look right at them.
So, Charlotte, what are you thinking you're going to try here?
What feels best and most like you?
I don't know.
I really like the rent-free one.
Yeah.
Good.
Yeah.
That one's perfect.
Can we try a run-through of it?
Yeah.
Okay.
So tell me a situation that could come up.
And then what I'd love you to do is go with your mom and practice this.
So if it's going to happen, if you're afraid it's going to happen at a nail salon, go to one excitedly having this comeback.
And the first time, it might be awkward, but you're practicing.
Mm-hmm.
Because if you do this three times, by the fourth time, you're going to be nailing it.
Yeah.
And then the fifth time is going to be hilarious.
I'm telling you, by the time you've done this for 20 times,
you're going to look forward for people to say it.
Because you're going to be like, I hope this little.
You're going to see some little geek walk by,
and you're going to be like, I know his haircut.
He's going to say something.
Let me put my foot out here.
You just start fishing for it.
So let's try it.
You're at a nail salon.
Hannah could do it, not Lamar.
Oh, my gosh.
Or I could do it, whatever you want.
You do it.
You don't.
So then Charlotte, pretend you're sitting down and I'm the nail tech.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
Is it, do you have six toes?
Wow.
I'd have to charge extra.
Oh, yeah.
It's kind of just sitting there.
Yeah, I let him come into my house and then it's kind of just been a thing ever since then.
Wait, what's that, honey?
Yeah.
Her name's Marilyn.
She's been living with us for a while.
Everybody loves her.
She bakes cookies.
Your six-toe bakes cookies?
Her name's Maryland.
Oh, great.
Well, I've got to charge you $4 extra for Maryland.
Oh, then you know, you could say, Charlotte.
Offer some cookies that Marilyn.
Yeah, you're going to go like this.
I don't think she has any money.
You could ask.
You could go, Marilyn, you got any money?
Then you go, don't paint that one.
Charles, that's feeling really good, and you're very fun.
Yeah. Thank you.
What you could do?
Like if she's, like when you put your feet down in the water and they go, oh my gosh.
It looks as if you have, is that a six-toe?
Yeah.
Then what you could do is you could take that hot water and throw it in her face.
Protective dad is back.
Charlotte.
She doesn't like anybody saying nothing.
You got a problem with me?
Yeah.
You got a problem.
Just throw the hot water right in the face.
Let's not listen to Lamorne.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's let her just kind of talk right now.
That's the advice I would give my daughter.
I just want her to just, you know.
Maybe we'll think twice.
Maybe we'll think twice about that.
Yeah, let the legend live on.
What happens.
But Charlotte, how are you feeling here?
Because I feel like we might have a win,
but it's only important is it what you feel on this.
I feel like this.
Hot water.
Will you follow up with us
and will you put yourself in a situation
where you have to go
and it's probably going to happen?
Have your mom with you at a nail place
so you can practice.
And let the first one be a little awkward.
Don't get mad at yourself
if it doesn't want.
work right away.
Mm-hmm.
This is going to maybe take a couple of times until you really find the rhythm of it.
So if you crush it the first time, great.
If you don't, don't feel bad.
Okay.
All right.
Will you follow up with us after it happens?
I would love to hear how it goes.
Yeah.
I try it.
You're a very funny kid.
Be confident in that.
Yeah.
You're so funny.
What a great pitch you had.
It's really, really funny stuff, dude.
Yeah.
Thank you guys.
All right.
Thank you.
Follow up with us.
I will.
We'll get pedicures probably this week.
Do it.
Let's get her in the situation of bun so she can practice.
Yeah, and you got a good backup plan with a third nipple.
That's right.
Perfect.
Yeah.
We'll jump in with the third nipple if necessary.
All right.
I appreciate you.
Thank you for calling.
Or a fist to the face.
Yeah.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What did you say?
Or a fist to the face.
Okay.
A fist to the face.
Talk shit about me.
Knock your head off.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.
If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod.g.g.com.
And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.
We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions.
Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston,
Editing Mix and Master by Chris Fowler.
Theme song by Oliver Raleigh.
The cover artwork is by James Fostike.
Animations by Andrew Strelecky.
And if you'd like to see Gareth,
do stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com.
Remember all of the advice,
given on we're here to help,
is for entertainment purposes only,
and all listeners should be adults
and make their own decisions.
That was a hate gum podcast.
That was a hate gum podcast.
Hi, I am Mandy Moore.
Sterling Kay Brown.
I'm Chris Sullivan, and we host the podcast. That was us now on Headgum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive.
Yeah. From our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.
Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify.
new episodes every Tuesday
