We're Here to Help - 279: Out-Crazy The Crazy & Rent-Free (with Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone)

Episode Date: April 8, 2026

It's a New Girl Special! Hannah Simone and Lamorne Morris join Jake and take some calls. First, Hannah identifies too hard with a caller's weird roommate. Then, they help brainstorm comebacks... for a twelve year-old with an extra toe.Want to call in? Email your question to helpfulpod@gmail.com.PATREON: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmWatch episodes early Sundays and Tuesdays on Hulu.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. And we're back. What's up, G, man. Jake. I feel like I haven't seen you in a while. It's weird. I know.
Starting point is 00:00:45 We were seeing each other all the time, and now it's slow. out. What, uh, we wrapped the pilot last night. Wow. And? Excellent. Um, Dan Gore, Luke De La Trecci. Um, you got it.
Starting point is 00:01:01 They, well, we've decided he and I have talked about, I can't say it, so we decided to add a bunch of lean in. Lean in to the Italian. That's fair. Uh, Akiva Shavar, it's such a fucking dream team. The cast is so strong.
Starting point is 00:01:16 The crew, There is really something about working in Los Angeles. Everybody's fucking good. Yeah. I'm like, our business is so stupid to be elsewhere and be like, we saved money, we're in New Jersey, and it's fucking dog shit. We had, it honestly felt like working with an All-Star team. The camera operators were so fucking good.
Starting point is 00:01:39 The crew was so good. The cast was so good. I'm like, the locations we shot on Hollywood. Boulevard in a... Yeah, you're in Hollywood. And then you actually get to shoot locations of like an old PI building. Well, it's an old building on Hollywood
Starting point is 00:01:56 and Los Palmas that's been there for a hundred. It's probably where old detectives fucking were. You're not in like Atlanta being like, nothing cool ever happened on this street. Let's create it. It's literally where the detectives were copying had a fucking built an office. You have been primed to play a detective.
Starting point is 00:02:13 I agree. It's your entire life. In my entire life. There's been nothing that. I felt this way with New Girl where it felt like even during the rehearsal process when like Max and I were put together around Zoe
Starting point is 00:02:25 I was like, ooh, this is a special team. And then when Damon came, I was like, fuck, this guy, this is special. And then Hannah, and then when he left and we filled it with Lamorne because I was really afraid, I was like, ooh, Lamorin's good. I do feel that way about this group. Well, I mean, again, you can't count your chickens,
Starting point is 00:02:44 but there's a lot of good. Yeah, but what you're good. What you got to do, and we talk about this a lot, is today is the beginning to let it go. It happened. We had a great seven days. I loved it. Well, because then you'll be doing the other. Then you'll be waiting for a second season.
Starting point is 00:02:59 I mean, it really is. You do what you do. Speaking of you do or you do, I got to say, G.R., the fans are hating the episode that dropped today with the sassy bravers. And I got to say, you do what you do. Our audience hates it. I love those guys. I love those. They're so funny.
Starting point is 00:03:22 They're so funny. They are. What did you say today? I go, you texted me something really funny. I go, they're hating the episode. And you said they're a particular type of comment. I go, I'm just not sure what that is. And you wrote, it's one guy asking questions and the other one yelling and obviously I like it.
Starting point is 00:03:45 I do. I do too. really, I think those two are so funny. I do too. Well, listen. You know, there's a silent majority, I think. Well, let's just do this really fast. Just to give a little taste of people hating our show who listen to it.
Starting point is 00:04:03 Okay. Because, you know what? I've talked to a bunch of people who do podcasts now. And a big part of podcasts are your base audience hating what you do. Hate you. Loves you and then hate. Loves you. It goes like, look, you know what it is?
Starting point is 00:04:17 A podcast audience becomes like a cousin at Thanksgiving where they're like, I've got to fucking see you every holiday. But let me tell you what pisses me off about you, man. Yes, yes. Yes, and they really let it rip. I mean, they do. So it's early.
Starting point is 00:04:32 You know, we're doing this early in the morning on Wednesday. The episode just dropped. There's only seven comments. So it's just starting on Spotify. Arguably the worst guest helpers ever, four hearts. Then a guy named Rick goes, I don't think it's arguable. Wow.
Starting point is 00:04:48 A guy named Marky Mark 1000. Funny, but a lot of cooks in the kitchen on this one. Couple hearts. Okay. We're ghosts. Not we are ghosts. We're ghosts.
Starting point is 00:05:01 This episode was bad. Two hearts. Well, this might be positive. I haven't got to the second half. Initially, I was worried about the number of helpers on this episode. But everybody seemed to control themselves. Good job. boys.
Starting point is 00:05:16 Control it. That's an insult. That is insulting. That is so condescending. How about this from Kristen? You could commission the smut author from the other season, the one who was trying to censor the audiobook to write the book. That's right.
Starting point is 00:05:33 Rachel B. I didn't think the helpers were bad. And I thought Jake did good balancing everybody. But he did sort of force Luke into making the audio for the smut book when he didn't want to do it, which wasn't the best. Also, I would not play. You're on the fly decision. And I'm forcing people.
Starting point is 00:05:52 So this guy, Luke, I don't even remember, but him being like, I really don't want to on a volunteer show I called in on for bits. I'm being forced. I'm being bullied. How about this? Press the red button on your phone. Hang up. You don't like it.
Starting point is 00:06:08 Hang up. Or guess what? You don't want it? Don't call in? But then Rachel also said, also, I would not play the audio. for the cow guy. That could go south really fast, in my opinion. He might get anger, get his feelings hurt,
Starting point is 00:06:23 and who knows how he will react. I would do the other ideas, like new topics or something. Thank you, Rachel. So this is just to say, Gareth, yet you do what you do. And a lot of times people don't like it. Well, you know, the good news is we are picked up. That's because it's so easy to pick us up.
Starting point is 00:06:41 We just keep making it. You're in a hotel room in my closet. We got picked up. Here's the problem with podcasts and the beauty. And we've talked about it. We're like, no executives. You know what also? No quality control.
Starting point is 00:06:55 No. You got four teenage boys talking about what hot dog sauces they like. Nobody ever says cut. There's never a cut call. Nobody ever says. Hey, guys, you're fired. Yeah, nobody ever goes, hey, you know, that's great. Let's bring it back down to Earth a little bit.
Starting point is 00:07:14 Let's slow down a little bit. Nobody ever says pass. Nobody ever says pass. But that's to say, enjoy the episode, the show. And without further ado. We are brought to you by Veracity. Two words you hear more than anything else right now. GLP ones and protein.
Starting point is 00:07:38 Most protein powders don't help with cravings. I just got some of this and I've started using it. And it's, uh, I love it. Doesn't take long for you to open social media and you're going to see all this stuff about protein. My algorithm is crazy. It's all this sort of stuff. But you can add this protein to everything. Do you want to have protein to your coffee? Now you do.
Starting point is 00:07:57 Most meals don't cut it when your life moves really fast. So Bracity's metabolic power protein is like a safety net. Metabolic safety net. Solid protein, stable energy, and happy gut to satisfy cravings. I really, uh, I did not know what to expect. have been using it for a couple weeks. Look at me. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:08:19 Take a look. But you know, I mean, look, what I know? I'm just trying to build some muscle. I really am. My weight fluctuates so much because of my lifestyle on and off the road. I cannot recommend it enough. 20 grams of plant-based protein to fuel your metabolism, and that's without unnecessary sugars or toxins.
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Starting point is 00:09:19 But if you want to get meat delivered to your place with no antibiotics, no added hormones, no additives, just clean fuel that makes you feel lighter, sharper, more energized. Get yourself some butcher box. I got some chicken from the butcher box. He's a vegetarian for a long time. My doctor was like, get a little meat in your life. So I'm very selective. I do not eat it a lot. But when I do, somewhere like butcher box is somewhere you can trust. No hormones, no mystery ingredients. It is spring. It's about to get chaotic. You got your life is crazy.
Starting point is 00:09:49 It just, it takes one thing off your list. So if you're trying to feel stronger, clear, a little more put together before summer sneaks up, starts with what's on your plate. Not bad to have a little, get a big butcher box, toss it in the freezer, have it for when you run out of stuff. You go, oh, you got the butcher box.
Starting point is 00:10:06 It's going to be 100 premium protein options straight to your door, including 100% grass-fed beef, free-range organic chicken, all this stuff, seafood, whatever you need. And as an exclusive offer, new listeners can get their choice between chicken breast or top sirloin for a year or ground beef for life, plus $1,000 for life, plus $2,000 or top sirline for a year or ground beef for life, plus $20 off your first box. Free shipping always. That's butcherbox.com slash here to help. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. That's right, Jake. It's Wayday at Wayfair. So from April 25th through the 27th, you can score the best deals in home. You can get 80% off with free shipping of everything. Wayfair makes it easy to find exactly what you need in your house. If you want decor improvements, I, yeah, I really, when I went on Wayfar, I was like, oh, my goodness, it's everything. It's overwhelming. I'll tell you what I bought on Wayfair was a robot vacuum. Yeah, what's, how is that going? It's going good. I had had one before.
Starting point is 00:11:11 Okay. I got the early version of it, so I keep buying them. I give it a name, and then there's a little remote I control, so I can go at my dogs a little bit, and I can go at my wife's feet, and then I can pretend that the robot likes me more than her. It's interesting. This took a really, you said you named it? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:31 Do we get to, we all want to know the robot's name. I got a little, like, a thing for the end of the bed where I put all the bedding, like a grown man should. What would you name it? Al. Wayday is the sale to shop the best deals in home. We're talking about up to 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. So head to Wayfair.com, April 25th through the 27th to shop Wayday. That's Wayfair. W-A-I-R.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Hello. Hello. Hello, how are you?
Starting point is 00:12:14 I'm good. How are you guys? Good. What's your first name? Ryan. Ryan, you got a new girl special. You got Hannah Simone and Lamarne Morris. They were just recording their podcast, The Mess Around. I was supposed to do it, but there was a misunderstanding with Hannah and I. That's true.
Starting point is 00:12:34 And Lamarne's mad at me. Yeah. I would say, mad. I was just saying we're not on the same page. And we're not on the same page. then what the fuck kind of book are we reading? Exactly right. Ryan, where are you from?
Starting point is 00:12:47 I'm from New Mexico. New Mexico? Yeah, we love New Mexico. You do? Never been. Neither. Ryan, New Mexico, if you had a book, an autobiography, what would it be titled?
Starting point is 00:12:59 Let's get to know you a little bit. What would it be tiled? I'm trying to think of something clever. Don't think of something good. Who are you? Just adventures of Ryan, I suppose. I don't know. That's cool.
Starting point is 00:13:15 So you want a lot of adventures. Yeah. That's cool. I like to, yeah. I like a good adventure. You married, single? I'm single, yeah. Or I got a girlfriend.
Starting point is 00:13:27 Sorry. I'm not married, though. Okay, okay. How old are you? How old are you? I'm 20. 20. Okay.
Starting point is 00:13:38 How old is this girlfriend? 19. Where'd you meet this lady? On Tinder. What was it about her profile that you decided to swipe on? She had a really funny, fantastic Mr. Fox, a Halloween costume. And she liked very cute. Okay.
Starting point is 00:14:01 And how long have you two been together? I think we just passed our three-month anniversary, so pretty new. Oh, let's go. You know what's love when they say. three-month anniversary. That's right. Because three months, that's usually,
Starting point is 00:14:14 that's a little past my bedtime right there. What do you mean? Two months and I'm out. How come? I don't know. I just disassociate. Under eight weeks?
Starting point is 00:14:26 By the way, you just use my buzzword. I get that, my man. Okay, Ryan, you're with the, what are we calling your girlfriend just in case it comes up?
Starting point is 00:14:38 What are we calling that girlfriend of yours? let's call her Grace Let's call her Grace. Okay, so Ryan and Grace Adventures of Ryan, a single guy, 20 and 19 met on Tinder,
Starting point is 00:14:55 been together for three months. What can we do for you today? Yeah, so, I mean, I don't know how much you guys have read of the email, but I'll tell you the whole story. Ryan, the three of us have heard nothing. Yeah. Okay, so about a
Starting point is 00:15:11 A couple months ago, I got a new roommate. My old roommate got married and moved out. And so we got this new guy. We'll call him Colin. And one day, it was like two months back. My roommate comes out of the bathroom. This is my other roommate, not Colin. And he just sort of calls me into the bathroom because he doesn't know what he's looking at. And I go in there and when I see is an empty, like, bowl that you eat out of and then a bowl full of raw eggs. like sitting on the edge of the bath. Okay. And so we were kind of like, that was weird. And Colin had just gotten out of the shower. So we were like, what was he doing? He's kind of a strange dude. So like we genuinely thought he might be eating the raw eggs.
Starting point is 00:15:58 Okay. So then he comes home later. I'm sitting on the couch with my girlfriend. And I was like, hey man, I saw there's raw eggs in the bathroom. And he just goes, yep. And he goes into his room. And then finally when he came out, I was like, oh yeah, I wanted to ask you, like, what was that about?
Starting point is 00:16:14 And he was, yeah, she told us that he washes his hair with the raw eggs instead of using shampoo. Hold on one second. Hold on, Ryan. You nod yes to that, Hannah? Yeah, I know lots of women who do that. Wash the hair with raw eggs? Yeah. How come?
Starting point is 00:16:30 I don't know. I don't know. It's just like a, you can do it with olive oil, you can do with honey, you can do it with ever. It's like a hair mask that you can do to help, like, hydrate your hair. It's just like a, it's kind of known. No, not crazy. To help hydrate your hair? Yeah, people do hair masks.
Starting point is 00:16:45 Champo. A water mask. No, it's a hair mask. We do all sorts of condomsions, okay? Don't look closely at the feet. You don't put a gator and eat hair. Go win the championship. I'm just saying it's known.
Starting point is 00:16:57 I'm easily shocked and that's a very known hair mask. Okay, well, I'm actually happy to hear that because I was a little shocked and I was really weirded out. But maybe it's just a hair thing. So Ryan, keep going. So maybe he's just washing his hair with those eggs. Yeah, doing a hair mask. Doing a hair mask. Cracking eggs.
Starting point is 00:17:12 Yeah, I mean, I look it up. I don't think he's lying about it. Okay. All right, so keep going. I more just kind of like want him to stop because he's leaving bowls of raw eggs in his bathroom. That is fair. He needs to clean up his hair mats.
Starting point is 00:17:27 So what is the specific question we could help you with? How to get this, your roommate, to stop leaving his raw eggs in the bathroom? Yeah, and he's just kind of a strange dude all around. And I don't know how to like bring it up. Also, like, we don't really like him. So I want to, like, bring it up with him without, like, without my dislike for him, like, coming through, like, just, like, objectively being like,
Starting point is 00:17:52 hey, man, don't do that without, like, it's, like, I'm. Yeah, what else does he do? Who's buying the eggs? You mean, is it, like, shared eggs? He's a shared eggs? He's buying his own eggs, yeah. That would be shocking. If I bought groceries and somebody was cracking him over their head out of a few,
Starting point is 00:18:08 I'd make him eat them out. Yeah. After you wash, scramble that shit. It would change the dynamic. Yeah. I'm not buying eggs for you to crack them on your head. I'm just not doing it. I'm just not doing it.
Starting point is 00:18:20 He's cracking eggs in his head. I feel like the fact that I'm such like a crunchy, hippie kind of girl has totally deflated your call, Ryan. And I'm so sorry. I think these guys would have helped roast your roommate and you would have felt better. And I'm like, totally normal behavior, man. I don't know what to tell you next caller. And you were so confident. confident Hannah that Lamarne and I were like, okay, yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:43 Well, Hannah says everybody does it. I'm so sorry, right. Okay, what else does he do? That's weird because I can't believe that the reason why you just want him to not live with you anymore is because of this. This is correct. More going on behaviorally that you're uncomfortable with. So let's dive into that. I like that.
Starting point is 00:18:59 Yeah. So he's like just kind of a dirty roommate. He leaves his food out, like on the table. He doesn't do his dishes. Okay. He is, this is kind of in the vein of the egg thing, but he's just kind of this like health nut, and it's really annoying.
Starting point is 00:19:16 Like, we were talking about drinking Diet Coke the other day. And he told us how it, like, causes Alzheimer's, and that just kind of really brought the vibe down. Hmm. You know what it sounds like? We could never be roommates. It sounds like you're living with Hannah. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:19:34 Is it me? Brian, I got news for you. Oh. You're the bad roommate. I'm kidding. No, I don't believe that. I'm kidding. I just think this is like a clash.
Starting point is 00:19:44 This might be a bad fit. That's all it is. But Ryan, so what are we calling this guy? He's not Colin, but who's the bad room? He's not Colin. I thought Colin was the other roommate.
Starting point is 00:19:52 No. He's Colin. Colin's the bad roommate? Yes. Colin is the bad roommate, yeah. And then I have two other roommates. And they all feel the same? It's three to one?
Starting point is 00:20:03 I do not know about one of them. So it's two rooms and we share. So the one, the guy I share the room with, he's on board totally. Like, he's my best friend, and we've talked about this at length. But the other guy, we don't know how to approach him without, like, seeming like, we're, like, bullying the other guy. Yeah, I understand. He shares the room with Colin.
Starting point is 00:20:25 So he's probably taking the brunt of the weirdness. Ryan, is this a college experience? Are you guys just, yeah, yeah, I am in college. Okay. And so the way you guys live together, is this, like, through dorms? Is it that random? No, but no, it's not. How'd this full become your roommate?
Starting point is 00:20:43 But it's similar. It's like, it's like college, only college students live in my building. Okay. Okay. And so you can't kick him out? I don't think we could, no. Maybe if we complained to the apartment complex, but I think they would just tell him to stop.
Starting point is 00:21:01 They wouldn't like actually get him out. I got a true college roommate story. I don't think I've ever told either of you guys. When I first went to University of Iowa. I got placed with this guy. True story, it's going to sound like I'm doing a bit. I swear on my life I'm not going to exaggerate this at all. One of the weirdest experiences of my life.
Starting point is 00:21:16 Okay. We didn't. We weren't friends. We didn't get along. We just ignored each other. He used to play his, like, synthesizer all the time with headphones on. And he would just be like, boom, and then he'd be like, eh, I was like, I don't, go lose it, right?
Starting point is 00:21:32 Then one day he goes, you know what sucks about having a little dick? literally I swear on my life it's going from like I'm laying in bed and I hear you know what sucks but and I went like what and he goes you know what sucks about having a little dick and I go what Scott and he goes no matter what when you meet a woman eventually she's gonna see it and I went like all right man I was like and we weren't we didn't bond so I was like all right man that's all right and then he goes no it sucks and I go Okay, man.
Starting point is 00:22:07 And then I swear on my life, he goes, look. And you look, because you're on bunk. No. Honestly, I was so thrown. Now I would say, like, I wish in the story, I didn't see anything. Sure. I literally like I was being, I went like, hey, man. And then he was like, what a tell?
Starting point is 00:22:27 I was like, hey. Lost my mind. I was like, are you out of your mind? But even that guy kept living with. Yeah. So you stayed living with him? There was nothing to do. It was the kind of like, what am I going to do?
Starting point is 00:22:40 Going like a, who am I going to complain to? Yeah, that's kind of what it is. I think. It's college. That's why I was like, if it was like an apartment, it's one thing. You're part of a thing. So you're stuck with this guy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:51 You're stuck with this guy. Thank you just, you either, there's only two things to do, which is exactly this. You sit in your room with your best friend in the entire world and you complain about him. Yeah. And you bet you bet you bet you about him. And it's a season of life. You won't live with them forever. Or?
Starting point is 00:23:04 And then it's done. and you get to tell fun stories later in life about it. Or you try to do a house meeting and you guys make some brules. You know what, Hannah, what I like about you today is you're very confident. Thank you. You said there's one and two. It's very normal to crack the eggs on your head.
Starting point is 00:23:20 But you're wrong. There's more than two options. What's the other option? You fucking out crazy his ass. Oh, that's true. Because right now he's leaving. You got to start chugging Diet Coke salt egg. You got to trigger this man.
Starting point is 00:23:34 You got to leave. Yes. You make him lead. This is true. Or he says to your behavior, hey man, why are there like Big Mac rappers in the shower? And I go like, I rub them on my body. That's right.
Starting point is 00:23:45 You're cracking eggs in red? I'm cracking Big Macs on my head. You got to take a McDonald's French fry bath, bro. That's what you do. That's what you do. Because you said he leaves the bowl, he leaves the bowl of eggs there, right? Raw eggs.
Starting point is 00:23:57 Yeah. So what you got to do when he comes back, leave it there, but put scrambled eggs in it. And a fork. And a for it. To make him think you're cooking his eggs and eating them. And don't tell him that you're not doing. Don't mention it.
Starting point is 00:24:10 Don't say anything. Just make it a little bit different for him. Ask him to say, can I use your eggs in my smoothie and then just take it and put him in? But I like the no. So, Ryan, I got a question. If we go down this road of pitching kind of out crazy the crazy, are you going to do any of this stuff?
Starting point is 00:24:27 I mean, I would try to out crazy him, but like he's pretty out there. Like, I don't know. I can give us more because all we got is diet Coke and eggs right now. And right now it just sounds like Hannah. That is like legit. Well, no, I mean, there's still a little annoyance with leaving your food everywhere. Yeah, the dirty stuff. But if it's just in the bathroom with the shower.
Starting point is 00:24:47 No, he said the dinner, he leaves his food on the table. Yeah, he doesn't do his dishes. That's pretty gross. So what is his big annoyance that he's a slob? Is his big annoyance that he does these weird, like health stuff? How do we boil this down, Ryan? What is, because what we're going to, like, look, we can do Hannah's thing very easily. Right.
Starting point is 00:25:03 and that is you just grin and bear it, you deal with it, and it's going to be over soon. Two, we could figure out a way to help pitch on a house meeting and how you could get that going to get things discussed. Or three, I still think out crazy in him. Or because if he's a health guy, you start getting weird toxins, you start lighting candles. I want all the scented candles. Scented candles, weird sprays. That's right. Where he goes like, what is this?
Starting point is 00:25:28 And you go like, for a bathroom spray. Yeah, that'll kill you. And he's like, the smelling everywhere. All the stuff that is bad for you, but most 20-year-olds don't care. That's right. So that he says, hey, I need a division from your insanity. That's right. You got to make him break up with you.
Starting point is 00:25:44 You got to make him break up with you. That's it. And that's an easy way to do. But what else about Colin do we not know, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I just met him. So there's definitely a lot.
Starting point is 00:25:55 I don't know about him. But he is a conspiracy theorist. Like, he does not believe in the moon landing. she's kind of always telling us about like oh you know you guys got the vaccines cheap he doesn't own headphones as far as I can tell so he just kind of listened to these videos
Starting point is 00:26:16 out loud in the living room I'm sorry Ryan Ryan I'm sorry to tell you this Hannah Hannah is about to leave because you're describing her in such a way it's making her uncomfortable You're not a believer on the moon landing? I'm so sorry, Anna.
Starting point is 00:26:34 I'm a conspiracy theory, for sure. Oh, no. What do you think about the moon landed? I don't care. But do you think they landed on the moon? No. You don't. It just looks so weird and suspicious.
Starting point is 00:26:46 It does. I don't know, but me personally, I go, I don't know why they would lie about it. I don't know there was like a space race. Racing with Russia. Yeah, we got to beat Russia. I understand why they would lie. But wouldn't Russia be like, bro? We just got up here and y'all ain't here.
Starting point is 00:27:03 Or they lied too. They both lied. They're like, we're up here too. Where are you on? We got a monkey. We got a monkey. Can't talk to the monkey. So I got a feeling like it's not enough for me to care about it.
Starting point is 00:27:14 But when people say like, oh, the earth is flat, then I start to go, all right, man. You lost me there. Moon landing is one of those things where it's like, Hannah, you were so confident at the beginning of this. I got to go, Jake. It's really good. You're confident. Are you guys breaking up with me and you got Ryan to call?
Starting point is 00:27:31 Ryan's our new. Ryan's our new. We got to get Hannah off the group thread. We got to out her crazies. So Hannah, how about this? You live with a couple of guys. You're 19. Your personality now is out there.
Starting point is 00:27:45 Yeah. What could they do to get you? All of these things. No, but if you were, if you're Colin, right? And now we're talking to Ryan. Yeah. What could Ryan do that you would not want to live with him? How do we get you to want to break up with Ryan?
Starting point is 00:27:58 from being a living. I think, honestly, the out crazy the crazy is the only way to go now that we've gone deeper into it. And he's got to, this is terrible to say out loud, but he would have to feel like
Starting point is 00:28:08 the home is unsafe for him. Right. Which for him is the scented candles and the chlorox and diet coax everywhere. What if you also went to a pet shine got a rat? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:28:18 Oh, dude. And you knew, or you got something, you know, that made it look like there was a raccoon in the house. And when the food's out, you put your hand in it
Starting point is 00:28:28 and mix it around. And then you go, has somebody been leaving raw eggs in the bathroom? Because we literally have rats. Oh, yeah. Strong ones now because they'll be getting on the question. You know what I mean? They're like Rocky Balbollah.
Starting point is 00:28:43 They're just chugging raw eggs. Yeah. I like the sort of rodent idea because it would sort of convince him that like it's his fault and like we're not going to do anything about it. Because at the very least, he'll start cleaning after
Starting point is 00:28:58 he has to because there's rats in the house Yeah And at least You know He'll be a little bit more bearable To live by the way For the common space
Starting point is 00:29:06 He has to Yeah Yeah That's where the house rules Here's the thing If you're just trying to Modify behaviors You might need house rules
Starting point is 00:29:13 If you're trying to get him To leave Yes Then you don't want him To modify behavior You need to like smoke them out I've got a thought That's gonna seem
Starting point is 00:29:21 A little joky But I think it's better Than a rat What if you say You came home And you saw a raccoon in the house? I mean, I would have to get my other roommates in on it, I think, because, you know, they know me pretty well. Just your main roommate.
Starting point is 00:29:37 You guys came home, Colin and the other guy weren't there. There was a full raccoon in the bathroom eating the eggs. It was terrifying. The kitchen was torn up. You open up a couple of bags. You throw stuff out. You scatter things around and go, hey, guys, this ain't a rat or a mouse. There's a goddamn raccoon who got access.
Starting point is 00:29:58 I don't know how it got in. Open the door. With its hands. Those little fuckers can do this. That's terrifying. They can. Say, this little fucker knows our code. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:30:12 It's swipe my ID badge. He goes to school here. He's actually cool. He's wearing a backpack. His name is Howard the record. Because here's what I'm trying to get to, buddy. Hey, Colin, other guy, we need to have a talk. Why?
Starting point is 00:30:28 The house is, I don't know what's happened. I think we are all messy, but there's something wrong with. Oh, here's another idea. The place is haunted. Here's why. If the goal is to get him out, the ghost love eggs. Something crazy happened. I don't know if you guys are into this, but I was in the bathroom and I saw a reflection
Starting point is 00:30:47 of a cold track and eating the eggs, man. We got to get out of here. Yeah, you have to do. You're going to have to level. I don't think you going around with Chlorox and Candles is going to do it for this guy. It is hard to find a place that you want to live. Obviously, the guy who's sharing his room is cool with him.
Starting point is 00:31:04 So you do have to start to get a little weird with it where he just goes like, I can't do it. And I want him to go to the R.A., can I move by March 15th? That's right. And they go, why? And he goes, I don't want to tell on anybody. Everything's fine. That's right.
Starting point is 00:31:19 The guy's pretending there's raccoons in the house and ghosts. That's right. And then he can. could tell others, that guy Ryan's a goofball. That's right. Fine. Okay. Fine. Yeah. And then you say to him like, oh, you're moving out, man. I thought you're going to help me fill these raccoons.
Starting point is 00:31:36 No, man, you got it. You got it. You got to be kind of bummed. You got to be kind of bummed. Yeah. All right. That's what you want to do. Like, man, I hate to see you go. Yeah. But Ryan, that will, that could work. Yeah. But what I get from you is a lot of, I don't know if I could do it.
Starting point is 00:31:51 Where are you at? Yeah. I just don't know if I could pull that sort of deception off. Like, I don't know. I think he would, like, immediately catch on to it. Okay. Here's what we're going to try.
Starting point is 00:32:02 Here's what we're going to try. Will you be, um, Colin? Yep. Will you be Colin's friend? Sure. Ryan. I'm going to be your buddy. You just came home.
Starting point is 00:32:14 Okay. You're telling all three of us about whatever you feel. Who am I again? You are, you're the egg partner. Okay. Um, and you're pointing. is, Ryan, you're trying to get Collin to kind of go,
Starting point is 00:32:28 I think I should probably boogie soon. This isn't the environment I want to live in during these years of my life. And he can get out of it. So take a second, Ryan, and come up with everything you've heard, your best strategy. You guys know who I hate? Who? Dr. Fauci.
Starting point is 00:32:44 And am I trying to, like, freak him out or am I trying to, like, lay down rules? What do you? You know what, Ryan, at this point? You've got to make that decision. I know you're just a 20-year-old kid. Okay. But this is time you've got to pull those big boy pants up and start starting. I stopped bleaching my asshole because it gets into my system.
Starting point is 00:33:01 Really? So what do you think that does? Yeah, I think honestly, I think it makes so your brain is susceptible to government persuasion. Oh, no way. It's like fluoride in the water. Yeah. I hear that. Hey, guys.
Starting point is 00:33:13 Hey, Colin. What's up, man? I hear some of that's good for you. Yeah. Florida, I mean, it's with the cavities. Yeah, I don't believe in cavities. What's up, Ryan? Hey, Colin.
Starting point is 00:33:21 What's up, brother? And John, I was just. I was in the bathroom earlier, and I saw the raw eggs again. I'm just worried about attracting rats because I found some, like, little feces below some of our beds. No way. And I heard scurrying in the walls and rat noises. Right. I was wondering if we could put the raw eggs, maybe up on a shelf or in your room.
Starting point is 00:33:54 Maybe. Here's what's happening, man. It's one big ecosystem. Right? The eggs attract the rats. One big family. The rats ingest the eggs. They digest the eggs into a form of feces,
Starting point is 00:34:11 which we could also use as a facial mask. Okay. Technically, he's not wrong. Stop it, Hannah. That was Hannah and Lamarne now. You do are nuts. That's how things work. Ratchet is not of angel.
Starting point is 00:34:26 I will go along with the eggs on the head madness. But when you confidently go like this, he's not wrong. He is wrong. John's going to believe what John's going to believe. Okay. John's getting weird. Don't tell you about John in the third person. Hey, Ryan, let me ask you this.
Starting point is 00:34:42 Let me ask you this. When cows drop deuses in grass, what does it do? Flourishes. Okay. So when rats drop deuses in your mouth? Stop. Dry dicks. Which is good for the teeth.
Starting point is 00:34:56 This was not hard enough. So if that's going to be your approach, nothing's going to happen in my opinion. Yeah. If you go in there and you go like, hey, man, I was just wondering it might attract rats. I do think Lamarne was comedic about it, but I think he's right. He's going to have a spin. Yeah. Yeah, I don't really think that's a big issue, actually.
Starting point is 00:35:14 You know, actually rats don't like eggshells. Yeah. And you're like, no, they do. And then he goes, well, there was feces in the kitchen before. I mean, we just have mice in an old building like this. You mean, they ate them. And then you're, yeah, and then you're in a conversation about nothing. You've got to come in and say, I saw this happening.
Starting point is 00:35:29 Yeah. It's way worse than a guy. I've already, I'm contacting the school. I've got to figure out with the janitor or whatever. But we had a little bit go. You know what you got to do? Allergies. No, you got to hit him with the bill.
Starting point is 00:35:39 So you got to be like, I'm going to call pest control because this is your problem. I called for a quote. It's going to be two grand. That's on you. That's tough. What if he's like my dad? You said you got to come in hard. Yeah, no, I agree.
Starting point is 00:35:50 But that's tough. What if Colin's dad's rich? How's Colin's dad doing, right? He's like, whatever. Well, Ryan, what do you think about coming in harder, either with the animal or with a bill? Okay, yeah, I could come in a little harder. Like, hey, guys, I saw a rat and I know it's Colin's fault. And it was eating the eggs.
Starting point is 00:36:09 Yes. And it was eating specifically the eggs. And so, and then, you know what I would say? I saw a fucking rat eating the eggs. And then when I came in, it ran right in the toilet, went down the drain. Yeah. So we have rats in our toilet because of your eggs, man. And they're going to come up and, like, eat the shit out of our butts.
Starting point is 00:36:29 Yeah, they're going to crawl up our buttholes from the drain. This is a huge problem. Richard Geer style. This one's a gerbil. It was a gerbil rat safe thing. It was very different. You know there's a rumor that's Stallone? He did it too?
Starting point is 00:36:43 No, he started the rumor about Richard Gear because he was pissed off about him. Oh, I hope. And he did a fax to his publicist to start a rumor because he was so pissed off. That's incredible. And everybody knows that story. That's what he did. Ryan, here's what I recommend. You walked in, you saw a rat.
Starting point is 00:37:01 It was eating the eggs specifically. You freaked out. I'm afraid of rats. I yelled. The fucking thing ran into our toilet and crawled down. This can't happen again. And then go, hey, man, if you want to do this kind of stuff where you put food in your hair or whatever, maybe will you move?
Starting point is 00:37:18 But in this house, I got a big phobia of rats. So I need everything to be really clean, but I'm freaking out here. Go ahead. I got a good one. Where is Colin politically? Feels like a dangerous question. I know. I was going to do it too.
Starting point is 00:37:34 I was like, I don't know. Yeah, is that the same thing. That's the one way to get someone to go these days. Let me just ask. Where is he politically? He's pretty hard right wing, I would say. Here's what you do. You knew that?
Starting point is 00:37:46 Here's what you do. Hard right wingers putting eggs in his air? Here's what you. Yeah, you don't believe in the system. Like, you're very close. I thought it was going to be a really liberal hippie. This is where the bed diagram does not cross over with mine. But that's a wild term.
Starting point is 00:37:57 Dude, here's what you do. You get a lot of democratic memorabilia. You put, you know, you have signs in the house. You ask if he wants to, like, sign up for, like, a protest. Sit on the couch and read Kamala's new book. That's right. I do have a large sign that says no blood for oil. Should I put that up?
Starting point is 00:38:17 In the house. In the house. But also, you know what you could also do? get a group of students for the no blood for oil committee and start hosting in your living room. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:38:29 Yeah, I actually have the friends that are like in the communist club on campus. Yeah. There we go. By the way. How comfortable you sound now, right? And for you, Ryan, you might be a communist,
Starting point is 00:38:40 you might know, but you're interested in the club, so you volunteer to host the communist club in your living room. Yeah. This will get him so, you'll be like, I'm not living with a bunch of comments. he's running. Ryan, this is that.
Starting point is 00:38:52 Okay. Because then you make it seem like he's one of the group. Yeah, because he lives there. I don't mean you wouldn't want to live with me next year. Yeah. No, there's no way he would. No. He's literally living with communists, which would be his nightmare.
Starting point is 00:39:02 Absolutely. Dude, I think you figured it out. This is it. We cracked it. Ryan, what are you going to do? And how are you going to pull it off? Well, I think it's going to be like a two-pronged. Like, I'm going to do the big, like,
Starting point is 00:39:16 uh, communist meeting. Like, I'll have my friend. over. I think you're probably going to get like 10 people in. I'll volunteer the host of the meeting. And then just like sprinkle in some like, like I'll talk to my, my friend, the roommate. I'll talk to him about like, I'm, we need to kill these capitalists, dude. Like, we just start sprinkling in some ideas, you know. But this idea, but yes to everything besides the kill. Besides murder.
Starting point is 00:39:44 But I think this is the right move. You turn this into a communist sanctuary. And we're going to run them out. Yeah. This is another version of smoke them out. Yeah. Yeah. And I do truly have to say, I do think we killed it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:57 You sound real comfortable with this idea, right? It's the first time you've come to a life. I thought we gave some good pitches before, but I think this is the most you. Is that accurate? Yeah, yeah. Definitely the most me, I would say. Will you take photos of the first communist party? Because I also want signs in the back.
Starting point is 00:40:15 This is a safe space for communists. communist welcome on your front door No capitalist here You can't go light You can't go light There's got to be art work There's got to be a lot of red There's got to be a vibe
Starting point is 00:40:29 Because you get one shot He got one And what he has to go is And if he goes Hey man I don't feel comfortable with this Then you go totally respect it I don't feel comfortable with your mess And you crack an eggs on your head
Starting point is 00:40:40 And he goes What do you mean? And you go the eggshells I don't feel comfortable with that And he goes It's eggs on your head and you go, I'm just a communist who likes to use government-issued shampoo. Yeah. What do I know, dude?
Starting point is 00:40:54 To me, as a communist, eggs come out of the, you know, you got to eat those. Yeah. We have nothing to spare, right? So that's really offensive to me to take an egg that a chicken gave us and crack it over your head like a maniac. And he'll go, but I don't feel comfortable, and you go, either we split up or let's just both keep our weird stuff in our own rooms. Okay, yeah, I like this. Ryan, send us a bunch of photos, but go over the top, and then follow up with us, okay?
Starting point is 00:41:23 I definitely will. Thank you guys so much. Thanks, buddy. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Listen, go to Squarespace.com. This is where it's all happening, guys. I've been working with Squarespace for a long, long time. They just really help you kind of build up your business.
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Starting point is 00:43:44 How are you? I'm doing great. Can I get your name, please? We're going to go with Stella. Stella? Stella! You're with, this is a new, hold on, Stella, it's a new girl special. You got Hannah Simone and you got Lamorn Morris.
Starting point is 00:44:02 Lamorn and Hannah. You got the Mess Around podcast team. Are you listening to the Mess Around yet? Say yes. I have been, yes. Good. Okay. I just heard the clip where he asked, oh my God, who did he ask?
Starting point is 00:44:19 Oh, my God. Can you please clear it up on this podcast? You know, Nassim and I have been friends for a very long time. Yes. We played husband and wife. Oh, somebody just asked me about you. You asked her on a date? No.
Starting point is 00:44:30 So, you know, for years, fans have been always like, are you going to date in real life? Because you guys did the movie together. On our show, we did a bit where I call Nassim and say, I go, I'm just going to date Nassim. And I go, Nassim. What's that? You're trying to date?
Starting point is 00:44:44 You look single. And she's just like, yeah, we're just going to talk about your Raya dates and all that's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a funny bit.
Starting point is 00:44:49 We're all in on it. We're laughing. And then every news outlet picked up. Every, he did. Yesterday. But it's on the same day that the Garfield news broke.
Starting point is 00:45:01 He news people, everything, all they covered in, Lamor and Morris asks that to see Padrot and the Garfield thing just got lots. What network is that? Paramele plus was so much.
Starting point is 00:45:13 so mad. And we're just like, it's a bit. It's not real. It's full prank sinatra. Way too big. It was way too big. Way too big. I mean, it was like,
Starting point is 00:45:23 people think it's real. People are asking me like, somebody brought it up to me, actually. I just remember I got a text saying. I think it was asked out and I was like, okay, I don't know. No. I didn't really ask her out on a date.
Starting point is 00:45:37 No, just being idiots. Now would I? Don't start it again. Don't start it again. Nassim be looking right, bro. You ever see Nassim in like a gown, dog? Nassim come out in a gown sometimes, man, looking luxurious, looking just regal.
Starting point is 00:45:55 You know what I mean? I mean, are you making a weird play here? There are times when I think about Nassim. And he's just... But keep going. Also... Bro, I got these lights in my house, right? Changes any color, right?
Starting point is 00:46:09 When it's purple, I get into a romantic mood. That's cool. I like to re-watch the new girl episodes, you know, for the mess around, the Nassim everyone's, and I turn the lights purple, just so I can feel that connection one more time. You know what I'm saying? Purple reminds me have a prince. That's true.
Starting point is 00:46:25 That's a whole other story. Speaking of that. Stella, what's going on today? Okay, so my 12-year-old daughter was born with an extra toe. Okay. She had loved this thing for whole life. She loved it? Yeah, I sent Natalie a picture in case you guys want to see it,
Starting point is 00:46:51 but we don't really want to share that on social media. Oh, I see. I'd like to see it. Just for our viewing pleasure, but it won't be shared with the world. All right, so maybe let's, yeah, so we'll keep going then, Stella. Okay, so basically I need help on making her feel, less awkward and uncomfortable about it because we used to love going to get pedicures and stuff together
Starting point is 00:47:20 and she didn't want to do that recently when we had a girl's day out with my cousins and when I pressed her on it she said well I just don't like the comments that everybody makes every single time she needs a story yeah we need something She needs a comeback. Yeah. Oh, really? She needs, oh, my God, you have six toes and then blank.
Starting point is 00:47:48 Yeah. Something that she's going to take the interaction and win with it a little bit. Yeah, you got to use it to your advantage. Because I will say, like, if I was in track and somebody who's like, I got six toes, I'd be like, yo, they run faster. Oh, really? If I was rock climbing. One, two, three, four.
Starting point is 00:48:05 That's not even, there's nothing. She's got five in a third toe. Yeah. Like a little thing. What are you talking about? She looks like she has four toes and one slightly bigger toe. Okay. So this is different.
Starting point is 00:48:17 She just has her fifth toe is a little bit big and then it looks like that. I thought it was straight up six toes. So. Well, so it is. They couldn't cut it off in delivery because it has its own bone and everything. So it's a toe. It's considered parodactyl is what they call it. But she
Starting point is 00:48:39 She doesn't want to get rid of it I've asked her if she wants to get it removed She has no intention of it She wants to keep it It's got a name It just you know What's its name? How do we make her feel more comfortable
Starting point is 00:48:52 Because she's 12 now too And if she wants to wear like flip-laps Or open-toed shoes Kids are mean Yeah kids are mean What's her toes name? It's Maryland Because Marilyn Monroe
Starting point is 00:49:08 also had a six-tow. You're working with so much here. Yeah. You're working with so much here. I agree. You know what I mean? I think especially at this age, kids don't understand what cool is yet.
Starting point is 00:49:19 Yeah. Having a six-toe, especially, and you name it Maryland after, because Marilyn Monroe, one of the most iconic people in history. Gorgeous, sexy talented. I got a crazy pitch. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:32 Because you're right, Lamar. But I think she's looking for a little bit more. How about this? They go, oh, my God, you have six toes. Or what would they kind of say that she doesn't like to hear? Like, what's a kind of comment she's giving? They just start, they just start to make a fuss about it. They're like, oh, six toes.
Starting point is 00:49:52 Someone always makes a joke about trying extra for it. Or they ask her if she's a good swimmer because of it. And it's just like, she's not a phone. They're not web. She goes like this. That's nothing. When I was born, I used to have wings. and a tail.
Starting point is 00:50:11 And they go, what? And you go, I had to get rid of the wings and a tail because as a baby I would fly everywhere. And they were going to put me to study me because I could fly. And this is the only thing I held on.
Starting point is 00:50:24 It's just a six toe. It's not that big of a deal. But I still have some other powers. But if you blow it up and then you go like, like I was born, like when I was first born, they go like, oh, I got, you have six toes.
Starting point is 00:50:34 You go like this. Yeah, it's not a big deal. When I was born, I had full on wings that stretched 15 feet. and I could fly as fast as a plane. And I had a tail that my balance was, she goes like,
Starting point is 00:50:45 I could balance on a beam in the middle like, like a monkey. And they're like, what? And then they go, yeah, so I got, I had to get rid of all that.
Starting point is 00:50:52 And I go, because I couldn't be in society. Yeah, I was a superhero. Like, quite literally. So I got rid of all those, but I wouldn't allow,
Starting point is 00:51:00 my mother allowed me to keep this, but it's just nothing. So then they go, what do you want an extra two bucks to pen it back? What are we talking about here? A fucking six toe. It's tiny. so that she has, she just kind of clowns them a little bit with this,
Starting point is 00:51:16 what are we talking about here? Yeah. Or, I mean, I like that idea. I also like, have you ever seen the movie 8 Mile? Hell yeah. Are you asking her? Yeah. Yeah, have you seen the movie?
Starting point is 00:51:29 Stella, have you seen 8 Mile? I personally, I haven't seen it in years. Yeah, it's been a long time. I would do a rewatch because Eminem does a great job of using what people would make fun of him of as his superpower, as his strength. So she knows what all the kids are going to say about her toe. Instead of, here's how you dissolve all of that instantly.
Starting point is 00:51:54 Oh, you got an extra toe. Take your sock off and go, yeah, you want to see it? Yeah, you want to see it? You go, it's Maryland. It's called Marilyn Monroe. And they're going to be like, oh, you get an extra toe. You're like, yeah, I know. You want to see it?
Starting point is 00:52:04 Here's the other thing we can do on this. Going off of that same idea. and this is going to, if she can pull this off, it's going to give her great comedic timing as she gets older, every time she needs to act shocked. What? Yeah, so pretend your toes don't look like this? Or no.
Starting point is 00:52:21 She doesn't know she had it. I go like this, pretend you're the lady in the nail salon. Hi. Oh, look. Oh, hey. Oh, I didn't know. It seems as if you have an extra toe. What are you talking about?
Starting point is 00:52:32 Oh, yeah, I see. Sick. Her issue isn't with the nail technicians. But then in school. How about that? It's in school. How about this? We're in school.
Starting point is 00:52:43 And I have flip-flops on. You're another kid. Oh, look at you. Oh, you go with the extra toe. Oh, you didn't know? I'd never seen it. Oh, my God. I'm sorry to break the news.
Starting point is 00:52:55 I feel so bad. Then you go, relax. I've had it my whole life. Chill out. Oh, okay. All right, well, you're going to be friends? Yeah. But there's an instant.
Starting point is 00:53:03 If every. Every time she does the joke, like she had no idea. Yeah. Your thoughts, Anna. Here's what I would say. If you're going, because you talked about going for pedicures with your daughter and then that kind of gotten ruined because she feels like everybody makes a big deal. It's similar to what your thought was, was my first thought, which is you be the super mom,
Starting point is 00:53:22 which is Queen Distract. So if they go like, look at that toe, you just go, I have three nipples. You do something, anything. You move the focus. I would not, I would not call that super mom. Supermom means I'll make myself intervene.
Starting point is 00:53:42 Yeah, but what do you do to intervene, Stella? I usually step in, but not, I usually just change the subject. I'm just like, ha, ha, yeah. And then I try to change the subject or something else. Never use the third nipple tactic. I'm just saying you've got to distract.
Starting point is 00:53:57 Okay, what about... It's like the wings in the tail. What about painting it a different color and leaning into a little more was saying before where they go like, oh, my God, you have six toes and go like this. Yeah, five or mine, one's Maryland. Yeah, Maryland's got her own thing going on. And she goes like, and then she goes like, I can't control her.
Starting point is 00:54:15 I've been trying to get rid of her forever. But Marilyn is like a 65-year-old woman that will not get off of your daughter's foot where she goes like, it's unbelievable. She'd been, since I was born, she's just hanging on. She says the wildest things. I got to shut her up sometimes. It's like an ventriloquist down. She's from the 60s.
Starting point is 00:54:32 Imagine what comes out of her mouth. She smokes. Yeah. Indorse. Yeah. But she just creates a funny that Marilyn is his older character that's a pain in the ass, and it's always on her foot. And she's with, if the other kids make funner, she's with them.
Starting point is 00:54:47 Yeah. But then she'll go like, guys, she's, she's, she. Maryland's really, I'm going to have to deal with this later. Yeah. But Marilyn's got, I mean, it's got nothing to do with your daughter. Just this weird toe that just hangs out on her body. But guess what? She's like, I know I could get rid of it.
Starting point is 00:55:01 And I would also say, like, I have the option. get surgery, but I just don't feel right. She's a nice woman. What has she ever done? She's a nice toe. She hasn't done anything wrong to anybody. So I'm going to keep her, but, you know, it's just, you know, she doesn't have anywhere else to go. Yeah. She doesn't have nice, all her nine brothers and sisters
Starting point is 00:55:17 are gone. But she's all alone in this thing, and I got my set. I got the 10, but I'm just letting Marilyn. Honestly, I got too, I got too big of a heart. I can't get rid of her. I feel like you love Maryland. If you play that, then I'm teasing.
Starting point is 00:55:33 you, but you're actually essentially a really nice person doing charity for Maryland. Right. Right. Right. You're like, yeah. You're like, oh, obviously I know. I'm not a goofball. I've seen Marilyn. And then you go, like, put your hand over your foot and go like, she's the whole thing. Sweet lady, sweet lady, but this is the whole thing down here. And then you go, hey, tell me, since I've been a baby, what are you going to do?
Starting point is 00:55:54 And I go like this, but what are you going to do? She's a six toe. You guys all have five toes each? What are you guys? It's a short season. That's what I'll say. She's 12, right? So it's a short season where she's going to feel like this. Yes.
Starting point is 00:56:08 And it won't be a big deal because here's the problem. Like you said, kids are mean. And if it wasn't Maryland, it'd be something else. But referring to it as a short season I really like about adolescence.
Starting point is 00:56:17 Yeah. It's a smart way of putting it. It's just a short season. It's a short season. So she'll get through it and then she'll get through it. Of course. That she could go at them for.
Starting point is 00:56:26 Jeremy's dad drinks heavily. His name is Jake. and it sticks with you but what do you think Stella we've given you some angles that I think could possibly work but where are you at on all this? I think we could use
Starting point is 00:56:48 a lot if not all of them at different points in time I like the idea of over exaggerating it and then making people feel stupid for making a comment about anything. And then you're like, oh, I do. Hold on, so you know what you could also do in terms of that. Pretend it's something bigger that she has on her foot.
Starting point is 00:57:13 And then when she goes like, but it's not what they're talking about where they go like, oh my God, what is that or whatever? Pretend it's this huge. And then you go, oh, my God. Oh, you're just talking about that little toe? Yeah. Yeah. And then you go like this.
Starting point is 00:57:24 Oh, it's an extra toe. I was born with it. Yeah. Yeah. She is a pretty big personality. and I think she could pull off the surprised by the toe. Yes, that's fun. Especially if I'm not with her when this shit comes up.
Starting point is 00:57:39 Stella, how about this? What if you make little business cards that says, I have a six toe, but don't talk about it. I don't want my other foot to feel jealous. Somebody brings it up. She just goes like, here, you go like this. Yes, I have a six, but I only have, unfortunately, I only have five on my right foot.
Starting point is 00:57:57 And my right foot's really insecure about it. So she just hands a card. I think that would, that would, that would be a lot, I think, carrying, who carries business cards around anymore? She gives them a QR code. All right, so Stella, what are you going to do here? And also, if she ever wants to call on the show, we'd be happy to talk to her.
Starting point is 00:58:22 I can see if she's here right now. I can see if she'll talk to you. You know what? Stella, I'll also say to you just so you know this, she should read Padma Lakshmi's story. Because Padma Lakshmi, who's like one of the most beautiful women on planet Earth, supermodel, she hosts Top Chef for a million seasons. She actually has a pretty big scar on her arm. I feel like there's a lot of women where a lot of people focused on something that was like physically, visibly different about them. Right.
Starting point is 00:58:53 And they would just flaunt it then. And it became the most like non thing about them because they weren't trying to hide it. They weren't trying to do a big distract from it. And they were like, yeah, this is just how my body is. That's true. If you just say, yeah, this is how my body is, now what?
Starting point is 00:59:08 I know, but tough at 12. 12 they don't get it. But there's a lot of really amazing, gorgeous women that have kind of walked through this world. And they're seen as the most beautiful women in the entire world. Winnie Harlow? Winnie Harlow. I have her.
Starting point is 00:59:21 I do have her here. Okay. How you guys always used to walk around. when you were little and be like, thing crust pizza, no thanks, I'm from Chicago. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:31 That's who does this podcast. Do you want to talk to them? Oh, interesting. I thought she's talking about. Hi. Hey, what's happening? Hi.
Starting point is 00:59:43 Nothing much. What's your name? Or make up a name. Charlotte. Charlotte. So Charlotte, your mom was telling us a little bit about you. that you got a sixth toe, is that correct?
Starting point is 01:00:00 Yeah. And we're figuring out ways that you don't have to, first of all we saw photos, it's not a big deal at all. As three grown people who were on a TV show at one point, which gives us very little credibility. But it is a not big deal at all, but what do you think about this?
Starting point is 01:00:17 What do you think about if somebody comments on it, you pretend to be very shocked, and you've never seen it before in your life? So when they come... That would be really funny. Right, it could be, Charlie, because when they see it, your thought is like, oh my God!
Starting point is 01:00:32 And they go, what? And you go like this, how did that get there? Everybody run. Everybody run. Their toes are coming from everywhere. Then you're going like this. Everybody, take your shoes off.
Starting point is 01:00:41 Check. Check. This was not there a minute ago. And then look at your hands and be like, thank God there's only 10. What do you think of that as an idea? We got other pitches. No, that's really good.
Starting point is 01:00:57 I like that. You do? What do you think about pretending the toe is like a 65-year-old woman named Marilyn that you're doing charity about and you're just letting her hang out on your foot because she has nowhere else to go? That would be funny.
Starting point is 01:01:13 Rent-free. Right, right. There you go. You're already building on the bed. By the way, just preferring who it is rent-free. You let that toe stay rent-free. Oh, you have six toes. Well, I have five, and I let the six one stay rent-free.
Starting point is 01:01:26 By the way, Charlotte, I don't think you need anything else. That's it. Why do you have six toes? I don't. I have five. I'm just letting this extra one stay rent-free. That's a great line. What's anybody going to say to that?
Starting point is 01:01:43 They're going to laugh. They're disarmed by your charm. Yes. And they're going to go, oh, she's funny. But by the way, if I said to somebody, like, oh, he got six, And they literally said it's not mine. I only have five. But I'm letting this one take rent free.
Starting point is 01:01:57 And they go, why? And they go, it's really good friends with my other toes. Everybody laughs and moves on. You can't take these two apart. You can't separate these two. You know, the new one, the one you see and my baby toe, they're best friends. And the foot that they were from wasn't a great family environment. They ever heard of Nick and Schmidt?
Starting point is 01:02:19 That's fun. You name one, Nick, you name one Schmidt. There you go. But what do you think of that idea? Charles, that could work big. All of these ideas are really good. Thanks. Go ahead, Lamar. One final pitch.
Starting point is 01:02:34 If anyone ever makes fun of your toe, you punch them right in the mouth. You go, shut up. This is a protective dad's approach. You go, shut your mouth. Yeah, what about the old school? Shut your mouth. Shut up. I'm making so you only have six teeth.
Starting point is 01:02:53 Then everybody's like, oh, you're right. No, thank you. Yeah, nobody wants to get beat up. Walk around and always have a black belt from karate that you could buy online. And they go, hey, hold on, let me just get this out of my bag. And your blackout, you just look right at them. So, Charlotte, what are you thinking you're going to try here? What feels best and most like you?
Starting point is 01:03:14 I don't know. I really like the rent-free one. Yeah. Good. Yeah. That one's perfect. Can we try a run-through of it? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:26 Okay. So tell me a situation that could come up. And then what I'd love you to do is go with your mom and practice this. So if it's going to happen, if you're afraid it's going to happen at a nail salon, go to one excitedly having this comeback. And the first time, it might be awkward, but you're practicing. Mm-hmm. Because if you do this three times, by the fourth time, you're going to be nailing it. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:50 And then the fifth time is going to be hilarious. I'm telling you, by the time you've done this for 20 times, you're going to look forward for people to say it. Because you're going to be like, I hope this little. You're going to see some little geek walk by, and you're going to be like, I know his haircut. He's going to say something. Let me put my foot out here.
Starting point is 01:04:06 You just start fishing for it. So let's try it. You're at a nail salon. Hannah could do it, not Lamar. Oh, my gosh. Or I could do it, whatever you want. You do it. You don't.
Starting point is 01:04:20 So then Charlotte, pretend you're sitting down and I'm the nail tech. Okay. Okay. Oh, wow. Is it, do you have six toes? Wow. I'd have to charge extra. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:04:35 It's kind of just sitting there. Yeah, I let him come into my house and then it's kind of just been a thing ever since then. Wait, what's that, honey? Yeah. Her name's Marilyn. She's been living with us for a while. Everybody loves her. She bakes cookies.
Starting point is 01:04:54 Your six-toe bakes cookies? Her name's Maryland. Oh, great. Well, I've got to charge you $4 extra for Maryland. Oh, then you know, you could say, Charlotte. Offer some cookies that Marilyn. Yeah, you're going to go like this. I don't think she has any money.
Starting point is 01:05:11 You could ask. You could go, Marilyn, you got any money? Then you go, don't paint that one. Charles, that's feeling really good, and you're very fun. Yeah. Thank you. What you could do? Like if she's, like when you put your feet down in the water and they go, oh my gosh. It looks as if you have, is that a six-toe?
Starting point is 01:05:32 Yeah. Then what you could do is you could take that hot water and throw it in her face. Protective dad is back. Charlotte. She doesn't like anybody saying nothing. You got a problem with me? Yeah. You got a problem.
Starting point is 01:05:46 Just throw the hot water right in the face. Let's not listen to Lamorne. Yeah, yeah. Let's let her just kind of talk right now. That's the advice I would give my daughter. I just want her to just, you know. Maybe we'll think twice. Maybe we'll think twice about that.
Starting point is 01:06:00 Yeah, let the legend live on. What happens. But Charlotte, how are you feeling here? Because I feel like we might have a win, but it's only important is it what you feel on this. I feel like this. Hot water. Will you follow up with us
Starting point is 01:06:12 and will you put yourself in a situation where you have to go and it's probably going to happen? Have your mom with you at a nail place so you can practice. And let the first one be a little awkward. Don't get mad at yourself if it doesn't want.
Starting point is 01:06:24 work right away. Mm-hmm. This is going to maybe take a couple of times until you really find the rhythm of it. So if you crush it the first time, great. If you don't, don't feel bad. Okay. All right. Will you follow up with us after it happens?
Starting point is 01:06:37 I would love to hear how it goes. Yeah. I try it. You're a very funny kid. Be confident in that. Yeah. You're so funny. What a great pitch you had.
Starting point is 01:06:46 It's really, really funny stuff, dude. Yeah. Thank you guys. All right. Thank you. Follow up with us. I will. We'll get pedicures probably this week.
Starting point is 01:06:59 Do it. Let's get her in the situation of bun so she can practice. Yeah, and you got a good backup plan with a third nipple. That's right. Perfect. Yeah. We'll jump in with the third nipple if necessary. All right.
Starting point is 01:07:12 I appreciate you. Thank you for calling. Or a fist to the face. Yeah. All right. Thank you. Thank you. What did you say?
Starting point is 01:07:17 Or a fist to the face. Okay. A fist to the face. Talk shit about me. Knock your head off. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod.g.g.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.
Starting point is 01:07:45 We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, Editing Mix and Master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Gareth, do stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com.
Starting point is 01:08:06 Remember all of the advice, given on we're here to help, is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.
Starting point is 01:08:24 Sterling Kay Brown. I'm Chris Sullivan, and we host the podcast. That was us now on Headgum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive. Yeah. From our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. new episodes every Tuesday

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