We're Here to Help - 281: 7 Out Of 11 & Sh*t Where You Eat (with Zoe Lister-Jones)

Episode Date: April 15, 2026

Zoe Lister-Jones joins Gareth and Jake to help undo the damage that Rick Steves has wrought. Then, they get the mustard out of the bathroom.The Miniature Wife on Peacock releases 4/9.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Headgum podcast. Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, here's stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room,

and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hax podcast. on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts. Zoe, really quickly, what's the name of the show you're doing on Peacock? Miniature wife. When does that baby come out? It comes out April 9th.

And you are doing it with Elizabeth Banks and... Matthew McFadion. Is that the dude? Of Succession fame. He is so funny in Succession. He's so good. He's the coolest. Is he really?

Yeah. Yeah. I've been traveling a lot for work or I was, and I decided to rewatch Succession on the plane. It's a great rewatch. It's unbelievable. What is the show is about, he shrinks her? He's a scientist who shrinks his wife. So it's, honey, I Shrug My Wife, but they're having some marital issues.

So it's sort of like then becomes a little beefy, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm running the lab where the shrinking is happening. And so you have, I like the way you do. Hollywood. Thank you, Jake. Well, because you do, when I think we first met, you were doing that, the CBS show, but you were on the Fox Lot. That's right.

I would say, I think I know the name of it, but I don't want to get it wrong. I think it was life and pieces. Life and pieces, yeah. Yes. And then we got to know each other, and you did a bunch of new girl. Yep. As the mayor. And then you also do the fun stuff where you'll start putting together really small

indies. Yeah. Which is just, and then you started directing you had your show on, Roku, where you did your own show, where you wrote and started and did everything. So what's your whole strategy? What's your game plan? For anybody, like, what do you like to do? How did you decide to do everything?

I mean, I've always loved writing. And so I loved, like, when I graduated from acting school, I, like, wrote, I started writing, like, this is so, so corny. But I did write a one-woman show for my show. myself. And it is how I got my agent. What was the title? The title was codependence is a four-letter word. Really heady. And I recorded my own music for it. I did like a covers album. Oh, you did the whole thing. That's great. I was like it was so I've always loved being mom and pop. Yes. Same. All the parents. Doing all the stuff. And all the stuff. I think I learned early that if I created my own stuff, I would feel very fulfilled.

Totally. And then I kept doing that. And it was lucky enough to be able to make a living from not make my own stuff so that I could go make my own stuff in the interim. And it was just so fun. And unfortunately, like the lesson was always in the film space, at least for me, when I made them super teeny. they turned out the best. And when there were a lot of cooks in the kitchen, the vision got kind of compromised.

That's not everyone's story. But that was my story. That's similar to my story. I get it too. Yeah. They might be small by nature and have a small audience, but you are doing what you set out to do. Yeah.

And I think, like, the more cooks in the kitchen, it can just become, like diluted, you know, for lack of a better word. And sometimes that works. But that might turn into something that's a quote-unquote better project. It might have more success, but you're like... Right. But I don't know then why I'm doing it on my own and why I'm not just acting in your thing.

Right. Right. Totally. I haven't made one in a minute. I think you should, especially after this TV show. Yeah. Yeah, they're so fun. And it's so fun to work with your friends.

A hundred percent. Yeah. And so where is you? you're kind of passionate. You're saying you're in your villain era as an actress, because I have stepped so into just acting and I've realized like how much I'm like, oh my God,

why did I get away? This is the best fucking job in the world. It's so fun. I mean, I I'm developing a TV show right now. And you would be the showrunner. Yeah. And would direct also and hopefully

starring it also. Oh my, so you like to do it all. Yeah, I'm a masochist as well. Right. So you like that. I like it. I love it. I actually think that when you're doing all of the things, which you know, it's like there's some weird crazy magic that happens.

And you're so out of your mind. There's no ability to really be like in your head. You just got to. You have to live in flow state. Yes, exactly. And that's such a rarity in this world. Yeah. Interesting. So I'm doing that and I'm trying to get this movie. I adapted one of Carol Burnett's memoirs into a film that I'm going to direct. And Allison Janie's attached to play her. So that's been a dream because I've gotten to hang with Ms. Burnett and it is like unbelievable. What's she like? She is the coolest. She actually, I have. She's here.

I have a right behind me Oh my god, let her out! Hey! No, I have framed She has a specific Cosmo recipe that she likes

So when you go out with her When the waiter comes She actually has a tiny card made That I have framed That's like a little cartoon of her And then it says Carol's Cosmo And it says exactly the recipe that she's looking for

And it's like Then everyone's happy because she gets the drink she wants. The person has momentum from Carol Burnett. Yeah. And that's like, it just, that's her in a nutshell. She's like, she's a joy. So that she's figured out how to do this game.

When you figure it out, you go like, well, that's a pretty cool way to do fame. Yeah. Because you are getting what you want. You're not being rude and they go like, pretty fucking cool. Like I moved to L.A. I'm to be an actor. Now I'm a waiter, but I'm fucking pretty psyched out this. Honestly.

That's pretty fucking cool. She's producing her own. cocktails. She gets a producing credit on her drinks. And so really fast, Zoe, before we go, without giving anything away, we've already done the calls today. Your thoughts of how these calls go today. We're talking about Carol Bennett's, some good stuff, writing, directing the rights to

stuff, really a good and heavy step. So this is, you've entered Gareth in my little podcast world. Your thoughts, Zoe? I would say I'm floored and flummoxed. Title. I'm rarely, I'm rarely speechless. I would say, and Gareth, I don't know you well, but I feel that we've now been sort of to hell and back together. We went to war.

We did an ayahuasca trip together. Yeah, we did it all today. You have the same shaman. It feels like we're at a rap party right now. Of a nine-year truth. Absolutely. But I will say that What I do know of you

And Jake, what I know of you Is like The three of us are rarely speechless And we were speechless today Yeah Yeah, we get floored I mean there's no doubt Well, Zoe, we appreciate you coming on

Yeah You know how highly I always think of you I hope we get to do something very soon Would love that And thanks for having me This was so much fun Really fun Everybody enjoy the show

Hey everybody We just want to remind you If you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help, it drops a day early on Hulu. So you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. That's right, Jake.

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W-A-I-R.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Listen, go to Squarespace.com. This is where it's all happening, guys. I've been working with Squarespace for a long, long time. They just really help you kind of build up your business.

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Great, how are you? I'm doing great. Can we get your name, please? Wonderful. I'm going to say that wrong every time. You might if I call you D? Deer like the animal Drah. You can call me D, that's fine. Deer like the animal draw.

By the way. For a dyslexic, that's right. I wrote deer slash draw. I'm a teacher, so I need it. He will call you draw deer eventually. Hey, draw deer. I got a pitch. Yeah, you're right.

Now I'm screwed. Deardra, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Chicago. Hey, where are you at in Chicago? I live a mile west of Wrigley, but I'm a south side right now. Oh, wow. Have you ever seen our van near Wrigleyville? Our van?

Our van. No, I've not seen your van. That's disappointing. No, I haven't. And what do you do out in Chicago? You said you're a teacher? I am a teacher, yeah. I teach fifth and six science.

Fifth and six science. Have you checked out the Hot Takes website that they created? I should. Oh, you know what? I've listened to that episode, but I haven't actually looked at it. I will. They created a website that's very good about it,

and you should try it with the fifth, six. That's not what this is about, Deirdreau. We have a special guest. A lady who I really like. Just a ton of fun. A great mind. director and actress. She's got it all.

Zoe Listed Jones. Hello, Deirdre. Hi, how's it going? Good. How are you doing? I'm great. Zoe, you got any questions for Deirdre before we start? You know, I might need some more information from Deirdre before I ask a question. Okay.

Deirdre, take over. So my issue is that my parents are going on a 21-day trip to Europe. They're visiting a bunch of different cities and countries. They're very excited about it. It's going to be the most extravagant trip of their entire lives. They're in their mid-70s, and we're all very excited for them. The issue is that my father read one Rick Steve's article that stated that he, all he

needs to bring to Europe when he goes is a duffel bag for his luggage. And we're struggling with this because everybody is fully... Listen, I would love my father to face the consequences of his own actions of bringing just one duffel bag, but I really feel for my mom who is going to have to deal with either going to foreign laundromats or dealing with old man, smelly, dirty clothes, things like that. I was talking to my mother about this issue last weekend, and I was asking how the progress was. And I guess they have a, on their 11th day of their trips, they're going to be in Paris. and there's a good laundry service at their hotels.

So they know they can do laundry there. So my dad responded to my mom with, oh, great, but I only need to bring seven pairs of underpants. Hmm. Who's he girls? That's a truth thing, Zoe. He tries to keep his underwear tight on the road. He's a stand-of-comedia.

And he's like, he does yoga with no underpants on because he doesn't want to waste the underpants. Zoe, it's been great to beat you. Zoe, have you ever heard such a thing. I remain a fan. Wow, thank you. Yeah, free balling and downward dog. I mean crazy.

The idea of doing yoga and underwear at a hotel room still doesn't feel right to me. I do have a pitch count for the underpants, but I also have laundry days playing out. What a thing to have a pitch count on. I, please, I'm talking. Of all things. I'm talking. I think there are times where I go, oh, I can do laundry there. So I get the laundry thing, but I do think you're right.

Your father's great. The amount of damage Rick Steves has done old people traveling. We will never know. It's incalculable. Agreed. Deirdre, one question for you on an 11-day trip, why is he pitching seven undies? Shouldn't you have said all I need is 11 undies? My mother has a PhD in special education and can't figure this one out.

She's like, do I make a calendar for? him to tell him it's wrong? Do I give him a chart? Like, how do I explain to him that 7 and 11 don't align up correctly? Yeah, that math is all fucked up. That math is off. But that's where he's just going to get to do laundry the first time. So we're

talking, then even after that, there's more trip where we don't know. But he started going, four days I'm recycling. Zoe Lister Jones, you got any 11-day trip. How many pair on your pants you bring in? I'm bringing 12 to 13. Just in case. But, yeah. And this is a summer.

When is this trip planned? It's in May. In May. You're going 15, 16. Could be balmy. I might have me go 1516. If I'm going swimming, I'm going to need two a day. You know?

And this is also like, it's tourist life. It's not like you're just sitting in the hotel watching TBS. I mean, you are talking about you're going to go see stuff. You're walking. I mean, these underpants are, they are pulling a double. They're on the front of them. So I really am mostly worried about the luggage. Okay, so we should get off the underpants.

I got to say, I feel like my mom's going to solve the underpants problem. I really do. I hear you, but I got to say the 7 out of 11 is so shocking. It's hard to go like, how do we get it? We can pitch on two doublebacks, but also dad. If there's 11 days, you got to do at least one pair a day. You are deciding to go play baseball without a bag. bad. Also, if I was, I'm the naked yoga underpants pitch count guy, and I'm telling you,

your dad's out of his mind. Because he is. It's also, I will say, this feels like, um, four underwear are, it's a small, those, those, those buddies bunch up real tight. Like, so I feel that dad is creating problems just to create problems. Yeah, you're right. You know, So really fast year-dorf. Because Zoe's right on that. So just before, because we got to know Dad a little bit more before we pitch. Why is your dad doing seven out of 11 days for undies? What's going on with Dad?

Is this who Dad has always been? Has he always done weird stuff like this? 100%. Yes, we call him crazy M because of he's just, he's nuts. And he always has been. He comes up with crazy ideas and then doubles it down on them. This is not out of character for him. I respect the hell out of this stuff.

Okay. So he makes weird decisions. Everybody knows it, like seven out of 11. And right now the weird decision he has made was he's gone on a 21-day trip and he goes, all I need is a duffel. And you and his wife are going, probably more than a duffel, yeah? And he's going, no, just a duffel. A duffle.

The question is, how do we get my dad to realize he needs more than a duffle? A duffle. Not even a small roller bag. Yeah. I mean, he's going to be brewing his underwear dragging the duffel even more, the roller. A duffel is the worst thing to travel here. Rick Steves is a national issue. A hiking pack.

And the worst thing you could travel with is a duffel bag. It's uncomfortable. It hurts the shoulder. It doesn't go anywhere. It's a nightmare. It's a gym bag. It's a louvra like heist or something like that. So.

Yep. And so what happened with? with this guy. So Rick Steve says all men should travel with a double bag? I missed that part of this. It's the worst. I don't know exactly what it was. I have a major issue with Rick Steves.

I have traveled. Who is this guy? What is he doing? He's just, look, with all due respect to the Rick Steve's fan, Rick Steves is just some dork who travels with a film crew and acts like he's out there, you know, really going at the elements. He knows his stuff, but he's the guy who said, if I saw Rick Steve's in public, I would shout, Fuck you.

He just constantly has this weird version of travel. And I know I've gone, I went to France with a buddy of mine who had a Rick Steve's book. And we tried to go to a couple places. Everything was closed or he had misrepresented the wait times and things like this. So it's almost like he's doing an infomercial for travel. And when your boots on the ground, you're like, what is this guy talking about? But his whole thing is just less is more. I've never heard this duffel bag shit.

Okay. His thing is to sort of sabotage the modern traveler, you know, send them to places that are closed tell Daddy bring less. I don't get what he's selling is what I like before because he had a PBS travel show. So he had a PBS travel show and he's sort of picture like bullshit Bordane. He had a PBS travel show. Andrew Zimmerman. Yes. And he takes people out and he shows people.

So for a minute, there was a purpose. Then he starts writing the books. And that's where he's starting to impart the wisdom of a privileged man. Okay. So, and then, so, Deirdre, your dad got into this guy. And did he say because of this guy, Rick, he's, I'm just trying to get clean on why the fuck the duffel that. I really genuinely think he read one Rick Steve's blog and would like, yep, that sounds great. I'll do it.

So then here's what I say. you do. First pitch. Did you see the new Rick Steve's video? And he said, don't you pretend you just saw a new video from this guy. And he goes, he said in

Europe, not a duffel bag. He said in America, duffel bag. In South America, duffel bag. In Europe, regular suitcase and backpack.

And he goes, where's the video? You go, you know, us too, you and me on the internet. We can never find stuff again. But it was a huge video. And he goes, only an idiot would bring seven pair of underwear for 11 days because you got to have a new pair every day just like home. That's what he says. I would start doing the, that's what he says routine. I like that.

I honestly think, Jake, we could have Chris doctor up a almost updated fake Rick Steve's article. that says something along the lines of because of something in the news, international travel has become much more complicated. I'm switching from duffel bag to big roller or two double bag. And here's why. And here's why. Yes. So if we created that dear joke,

and what would that be like a JPEG or would that be? Yeah, I think we could, she treats it like she sent a screenshot and we can just put Rick Steves on there. We can fake Rick Steve's little fucking signature. And just almost the Rick... Don't say that's so weird. I'm mad at it. You guys end up in prison.

Yeah. Not you guys. Us guys. So you're part of this. I don't have any underwear in jail. That's why we bring friends on the show. You would call for that from someone other than me. Okay.

So I would have to figure out somebody else to send it to him because we've already kind of given him a hard time about it. Okay. And I think that if I send him something like that, he'd be like, oh, but if he got it from somebody, else that he, who hasn't been giving him a hard time would be better. Who could that be in your family? Yeah.

Or in your circle? I have to think, I mean, I feel like any of his friends or maybe even my, my uncle. Could you call your uncle and say, I like uncle. Could you call uncle and say, I'm worried about that? Okay. And then say, do not. He feels the same way. Okay.

So what we're going to do, when we're talking about the thing, it's what do we need? to put on that. The duffel bag? The duffel bag, the underpants. Underware every day. New underpants a day. The fact that Rick Steves would be detailing the amount of underwear a man has to bring to Europe is my favorite.

So directly catered to her dad. No, but we're going to add stuff. We're going to say new underpants daily and new socks. Then you could say on certain trips, you can recycle socks and undies, but not over the summer in Europe. But I think what we should say Norway, yes.

We should be, we should say that Rick Steves just pulled off an adventure in Europe filming for his show. And there's some updated stuff because of things have changed due to some international, you know, difficulties.

Maybe it's a climate change angle. Yeah. Like Europe is getting hotter. Europe has gotten hotter too. By the way, that's perfect. You could also say because of that fanny packs, you could say you must bring under shirts,

even if you don't wear them, white t-shirts, undershirts. Even if you're not a shorts person, get two pair of cargo shorts, you're going to need shorts and these certain type of shoe to wear, this shoe is bad, do not wear a flip-flop, you've got to wear it.

So it's not just his stuff. And let's also say hotel laundry in Europe is in crisis. There's been, because of some water shortages in certain areas, hotels are charging double for laundry and not even getting it done in a proper timeline. Yes. Can we see that for the specific countries that he's going to be at after Paris? Because I want them to feel confident that they can do their laundry in Paris. My mom will obviously, she's going to be in on all of this.

But my dad is going to start freaking out about whatever laundry is available and he shouldn't, though, he can't trust the water. Like, he is this gullible. He will absolutely fall for this. Okay. Maybe we don't. Maybe we don't do that. We don't want him to get to go no laundry on the whole trip.

Except for France. France is exact. Feel good about Paris laundry. So really quickly, before we go further, Zoe, what are we missing? What are we missing? We got the underpants. We got the duffel bag. I mean, there is something.

My thing about the duffel bag is maybe there's something to be added around, like, the amount of. walking that's going to be done. Yeah. That he's not accounting for that we could put into the language of like, when on a trip where you're going to multiple countries and having to go to train stations or airports or however they're traveling in between the countries, best to take a roly. You need, no, you must take a roly.

Only a fool would bring a duffel. And that is literally the case. Yeah. Exactly. Objectively. My dad has a bad heart. He's got multiple digits of stents in his heart. He's got more than 10 stents in his heart.

So he should not be carrying a duffel bag. And that's also one of the big things here. And so I think something about your health, saying if you're going to be doing all this walking, you shouldn't have to be using all that carrying too. What about this? What if we had the JPEG created it? It was for different ages.

So a duffles for men and women under 35. Over the age of 35. It's a roll. Then for 70 plus, if you're fit, if you're fit, so he can go, I'm fit. Roly. It's a roll. If you're not fit, baby backpack. And he's like some old guy who's a piece of shit.

He just turned 70 last year. Rick Steve's turned 70 last year. So this is he took the trip. Maybe he's updated his advice. It's an addendum. It's an addendum since my birthday. As a 70-year-old man, he just went to Europe. And I got a stent.

if we make this and gareth says our guy can make it we got a guy now zohi he can definitely make it i love a guy he can definitely make it we can make it i mean i'll find some rick steve's bullshit where you know he's sitting there like your thing with this guy is not a fan not a fan i mean listen to the damage he's done here for for sweet deirdre slow down on it

he's just an old guy who's trying to make a little bit of money on you doing. No, he's not, Jake. He's been doing this for 50 years. It's an empire. So he's rich as hell? Yes. For sure. I would say, fuck this guy.

So rich guys saying, just carry a duffel bag. Old man who's the one should be doing that. I got you. Understand. He's killing people. It's time. By the way, I never said that. He's a murderer.

He's a nightmare. He's a monster. He's a monster. So, So if we make this dear drawer, you're going to show it to him, and then will you take a photo of him with his new suitcase before he goes? The uncle shows. Yes, 100%.

Oh, the uncle shows him. The uncle will show it, send it to him and go, hey, have you seen this Rick Steve's update, old duffel boy? Yeah, but do this. Do this. When he tells you, try to record it and act surprise. Yeah. Because if he goes like this, you go like this, how's the duffel?

And he goes like, not taking it. Can't. And then go, why? I thought you loved it and he'd go, it's stupid. And then you go, no, it isn't. And argue that he should have it. For a 35-year-old. You go like a roly, don't do a roll-ie, and he'll go way smarter.

You go, no, it isn't. The duffel's the smartest. And he'll go, you don't know anything. What if I get lost to a train? Rick Steve says that could be bad. Dragging a duffel through Europe? I'm not 31. I got a stint.

I got a stint. Will you follow up with us? Of course, absolutely. Thank you guys so much. And I'll get you... When are they leaving? It's in May. I think middle of May.

All right. I'll get you this crazy little Rick Steve's thing set up and we'll post it at all that shit. Thank you guys so much. This is so fun. All right. Thanks, D. Bye. Hello.

Hello. Hi there. Can we get your name please? Sure. My name is Susan. Hi, Susan. Susan, where are you calling from? I'm calling from South Florida.

South Florida. Well, Susan, we're going to get into it, but I'm not going to lie to you. We have a great guest helper with us today. You've got Jake. You've got me. Who cares? We've also got multi-hyphen it. Even a hyphen in her name.

We have Zoe Lister Jones joining us to help solve whatever your little predicament is here. Zoe, really fast. What was the character you did on New Girl again, the mayor? Fawn Mascato. That was really fun. I just remembered all that. One of the best. You were one of the best character.

It was the best character I've ever played potentially. Totally. I forgot a lot of funny that. And you know what, Gareth, not to bring it back to your butthal again, but... Thank you. She did advocate for not wearing underwear. That was a big storyline. Oh, it was? That was when I was part of the A story.

It was all about me free balling on the golf course. I remember this. I don't know why that's comedy on a show. It to me sounds pretty rational. I also love that you had to point out that was part of the A story. It feels like a wildly C story. Wildly C story. What's going on?

This character, a reoccurring guest star, doesn't wear underpants. That feels maybe B. That's right. You're like, this was a story. I was driving. I was driving that. I was driving that. Every other character was going like this.

Is that true? Three-page line. No kidding. Another three to four page. Wow. Susan, what can we do for you today? So I'll just get right into it. I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago,

and I discovered he has this really unusual habit, and it's disgusting. So... Move out. Let's let her cook a little bit, yeah? Let's see what she says. So I woke up one morning to find a bottle of mustard on the sink in the bathroom. Move out.

So I, well, when I questioned him about this, he was like, oh, yeah, I ate a pretzel dog sitting on the toilet with the shower running in the middle of the night. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Disgusting. First of all, pretzel dog is disgusting. Yet pretzel dog in general. Take away the toilet. wrestle dog in any setting. If I go like this, I just moved in with my

partner, I guess. What are you up to? I'm just going to eat a pretzel dog. Yeah. I'm going to turn the shower on crap and eat a pretzel dog. You sleep well, hon. This is awesome. Zoe, what's the grossest thing you've eaten on the toilet? Go ahead. You know, I've never eaten on the toilet.

That's cool. Wait. All right. So Susan, keep going. Susan is plowing through her story, by the last. I'm just going through it. You will not derail. I got to get this out.

Okay. I hope you have a cigarette and like a gin and seven up. I think South Florida. I might. I might, yeah. But so the problem is, like, I asked him about it and he said, yeah, that's what he was doing. And I was like, well, why? So he said, well, the steam in the shower just kind of seizes me and he likes to hang out in there.

He's like, I love this smells, and I'm an animal. He has an animal. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. He's an animal. Mniacial behavior. Fighting muscles. to the zoo live.

They like take a shit, and then they're like this, lunch. Hey, Susan, be careful. Jake might adopt your boyfriend. No way. Humans gross meal. If he was a chip,

I would take him, Susan. I'd fight you for him. His name would be Dijon and he'd be living in Jake's yard. Dejohn. Come on. I have no class. His name would be yellow. This is French's.

All right, Susan. So you got this boyfriend. What are we calling him? What's his name? Jake. Of course We all mean That was mean-spirited

He's a disgusting animal Who eats pretzel dogs on a toilet With a steam on Call him Zoe Lister Jones That's a Zoe Lister Jones name to me It does feel targeted It's his name But you could have changed it

I mean Jack would have been nice Leaving mustard on the bathroom sink So a big old weirder name Jake sits around eating pretzel dogs with mustard in your toilet. You live with them, but you don't want to. Oh, is this my wife Aaron, by the way? Hey, Aaron.

Just get off the phone and come in the room, sweetheart. This is an insulting way to talk, just come in the room. He's like, hey, it's disgusting. And stop with the fake South Florida. We live in California. All right, so Susan, keep going. What's going on?

So I feel like, like, who am I to tell when you can't eat in the bathroom? But it's gross, and I ultimately would like it to stop. But more importantly, I don't want to be sharing these disgusting bathroom condiments. Yes. I mean, this is. I agree with everything you're saying. Yeah. Agreed.

This is the first time the call just was agreed. Yeah. I mean, the idea that you're like, listen. I know I'm going out on a limb, but I don't like mustard in my toilet. Call me wacky. He's right. Yeah. No, the response to this.

is for sure, Gareth is right, agreed. Yes. So how do I get them either stop completely or not bring condiments into the bath? I'm like, sauce your dog in the kitchen. So, Zoe, we're going to start with you here. When you're hearing all this, imagine yourself, your partner's eating mustard on pretzel dogs in the toilet. How are you stopping this? How do we get Susan out of this nightmare?

I mean, I'm just going to say that just, and this might be a hot take, but just taking a dump while the shower steaming disgusts me wholeheartedly. Same. Well, he's not doing that, though. He's not using the bathroom. He's just sitting on the toilet lid and eating. He's not sitting while he's eating. He's sitting on the toilet lid eating.

Even crazier, actually. I was saying that makes me deeply uncomfortable. That's not a place of. eating. I actually think that that that is true. This got worse. That that it's also just, it's not a place of eating. It's a crazy place to decide. Yeah. I mean, here's what like, here's what I'll say. I respect you trying to offer him the dignity of his own experience that you're like, I can't tell him what not to do. But I'm going to interject and say, you absolutely must. This is now a shared living space.

Yeah. And he, this is a, I think once you move in with someone, especially, you know, an animal like Jake, you, I would, I would have to set very firm boundaries about what's acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable behavior. And if the behavior that is unacceptable to you continues, I'm going to go with my first piece of advice, which is GTFO. I got to say Zoe's being harsh

but she's right Susan this is a toilet is not a place to eat unacceptable unacceptable this really is

I agree I agree it is unacceptable but I'm also it's not the only issue that I don't he can do whatever he wants to do

he's an adult so I don't want to like yuck his young I just don't want the condiments out of the bathroom. I think, first of all, what I love, yeah, I don't know, start sleeping in the kitchen, shit in your bedroom. I mean, these rooms are separated for activities just on a base of civilization.

I don't know how we arrived at these points, but we have agreed that there's no eating in the toilet. But if you're willing to lower the bar and- I know how we arrived at that, they smell, it smells bad in there. Yes, it's just not. It took our greatest minds to go like, wait a second, shall we eat where we should? shit? I mean, literally,

humans went like this. It became a thing we say. Yes. A turn of phrase so that we're like, don't do that. It's a bad idea. But that's one of those phrases we didn't need. Yes. Because we all know it.

It's what makes us humans. I think that we're all, I think all three of us are a little more outrage than you, but that's okay. If you're just saying you want condiments out of the bathroom. By the way, the most Florida problem I think I've ever heard. I have a pitch.

I'm not even from here originally. Well, you've adapted quite well. I have a pitch on maybe how to do that. I don't know. Do you have anything, Jake? No, go with what you're going with. I think what you need is a launching off point into the conversation. How long have you been living with him?

Since November. It's just a couple months. When did you find the mustard? Well, FEMA. I found it really shortly after I moved in. And he does this on average about once a week. What was the conversation? Susan, I have a real question.

It's hot sauce. Okay. I got to go. I don't know why it's hot sauce hurts. Hold on. I have a real question. So I'm just getting a little bit confused of how crazy this is. So once a week,

He turns the shower on to a full steam, makes a sandwich in the kitchen, brings it in with the condom. He doesn't put, like, all the hot sauce on it. Correct. Because you could also just put it on, you know what he could do? He could put it all on like a, like a napkin or a paper plate, leave all the condiments in the fridge and go, like, I got this really weird, embarrassing thing where I like to eat in a steamy shower, my weird ham sandwich. but he doesn't have to do the condiments in there he can do those you could say let's just make a rule homie

eat wherever you want no condiments or plates like let's have what's in one room stays in one room and if he doesn't do it I want you to take everything from the bathroom that's his and put it in the bedroom closet where he goes where's my shampoo and toothbrush

and you go it's in the closet where my shoes are and he goes why and he goes I don't know I think we're just putting things in random places. All right. He goes, I'm going to sleep in the car. Yeah, and he goes, what do you mean?

And you go, I don't know, I just saw some hot sauce on the toilet bowl, so I just thought maybe I'd put the toothbrush in the closet. I really think he wouldn't,

I fear he wouldn't even notice. He would because take everything that's his and put it in the wrong spot. Put his socks in the refrigerator. He's going to end up eating him in the toilet. I'm not kidding. Pretty good idea. It is.

Everything gets mixed around. So he goes, Hey, honey, what the fuck is going on? Where are my jeans? And you go like this, I'm not sure. Have you checked the microwave? I think what's good is, what I really like about that is that you are, I mean, this is so, the longer that I think about this, the more that it's sinking in that it is absolutely

upside downtown fucking nuts. But now you're in upside down world. But I think that's right. I think like, I like that for a pitch. I'll give you one that can maybe lead you into that or just a separate pitch, which is what if you fake sit on mustard? What if you come out of the bathroom and you have some mustard on your ass or on your pants and you are outraged because, look, you allowed him to turn the bathroom into his kitchen junior long enough. And now there's actually been repercussions, which is you've

sat in some mustard on the toilet. This has to stop. And that can want you into this conversation of this is not okay. You know what we could also do with this, Susan, because Jake is crazy. Pretend it's a cartoon and you slipped on the mustard like a banana peel and hurt your back. Oh, that's good. I mean, the fact that you said that's good

tells me we're an upside-down world. Yes, we're not. We're obviously in a very... We're all trying to kind of looney-tune tune our brains. Zoe, what do you got? Susan, have you brought this up to him? already? Like how many times? Has this been a discussion?

Yeah, he ran through a wall and there was the outline of him going through it. But he kept walking because he didn't know there was nothing below him. But then he dropped really fast. But then he saw it he dropped. After the first found the first condiment in the bathroom, I asked him

why it was in there and he told me why. And then I was just like, oh, okay. And then I have not brought it up since. Wow. Unbelievable. But he also does it at like 3 o'clock in the morning, so I don't even Oh, he's drunk.

I just see it in real time. I just say the evidence. Is he drunk? Of course he's drunk. Possibly. But I don't have those guys. Guys, guys, take away possibly. Who needs to eat a sandwich at 3 a.m.

and bring it in the bathroom. Or stoned off his ass and going like, I got a pretty good idea. I'm starting to fall in love with this guy. It's also me. He's a great. He's a great guy. He's great.

He's great. It's just he's nocturnally snack bathroom. Well, guess what? When you get stoned off. your ass and you're alone, you go like this. You don't be cool as fuck right now? I'm going to take the shower, put it on really hot.

Then I'm going to eat nachos in here. And you go, pretty good. It was moisture. But he's like, I'm going to bring the hot cheese with me and sort of just pour per chip. I mean, yeah, here's my... That's what he does, because why is he bringing it in? I don't know.

That's what I don't understand. He's adjusting flavor bite to bite. Which is like, by the way, which is delicious. Respect. I do that. By the way, I do that too. But when I'm really embarrassed by it, I just stand with the refrigerator door open and I do it fast. Well, he's found the next level of privacy.

Yeah. But his privacy, there's certain moves where you go, Jake, I respect the hell out of the play. You are going, you're making hors d'urbs. You are not having a plate full of food. Each one is a bite. Good for you. You can't do it in the bathroom, my man. You can eat in there, but you go.

I got an idea. Okay. Go ahead. What if you, which I respect, are intent on letting him do this, just as long as the condiment does not remain on the toilet. Yeah. Or in the bathroom. I don't want the condiment even crossing the threshold into the bathroom. Same.

Listen, I don't know that you can control. Same. Right, because you're using that condiment later. Yeah, but it's in there with the jar open. Imagine the relish. I don't want to put mustard on a on a sandwich and it's full of fecal matter. That's correct.

Susan, what you're saying is normal. Susan. I think the fact that you let this go on for as long as you have it is outrageous. And you have to set a boundary. And I would say that every time it happens, he's going to owe you something

that's going to be very meaningful to you. I don't know if that's a number. hour-long massage. And it's something that's going to cost him. That's nice. You know what I mean? So that every time... How about his home?

You do it again. You're kicked out. It will cost him. How about your love? Yeah, the relationship. I'm going to take this love from you. I think sometimes on this call, Susan, it feels like we called your show. Because you're just like, yeah, what are you going to do?

I mean, like, I just want the condiments out of it. I got, here's an alt pitch for you. How about if you buy him? I don't love this at all, but I'm just trying to go into your world here. What if you bought him labeled toilet condiments? And those are ones that he's allowed to...

Gareth? No way. But you know what? Has he done? Condiments are still going in the fridge with the rest of the food food. I don't love it. I have a pitch based off Gareth's pitch

that I think he will like and I think it could also solve the promes. You know those, that terrible style that men sometimes wear where they have their work? wallets attached to a chain. Yes. Let's chain the condiments to the refrigerator.

Oh, my God, I love this. Yes. So, like, bank pens is right. We're bank penning mustard because you live with the wildest man we've ever heard about. So then he goes, what's going on? And you go, these are mine. I don't want, I don't want Fegal Matter on them. These are bank penned to the refrigerator.

And he goes, you mean it? You go, you can use it, and you can bring a paper plate in there and eat your burrito at 3 a.m. No, I have to jump in. I think you're exactly right. I mean, I literally just spit coffee out. Saying I don't want fecal matter on my mustard, we are not in an okay world right now. I know, but we got to get out of this. I don't.

Susan is so chill. We're all in it now. We just keep rotating. I need to take it well. All of our relationships are forever changed. Forever. Oh, why not? Also, the next time my wife judges me for something,

she'll be like, your socks are everywhere. I'm like, I don't have shit all over the mustard. What was the last time you found ketchup in the toilet? I'm not a maniac. Jake's a maniac. You said the fact that his name is Jake's not going to help you in that moment. But Susan, what do you think about finding a way to tape and or making or tie or chain getting your condiments?

And you might have to take a condiment and put it in. into something else. So, like, you get it, poured into something that has a handle, a little metal handle on it. Or maybe a new apartment where you live? And lock it into something. You know what's interesting about all of these pitches?

Is that Susan, if I'm, if I'm understanding correctly, has not ever said this can't happen. No. Right? No, I haven't. No. You simply,

we are, we are bank. We are bench. We are. Yeah, we are. And a simple conversation has been occurred. Can you imagine being this man and being like, you only got one follow-up? And being like, that went well.

So, Susan, Susan, we've given you a bunch of options here. We've, I think we've gotten to the bottom of this very strange situation. I think there's a way out of it. What do you think you're going to do? I like, I kind of like the chaining the condiments idea. Okay. But I think it could be a little bit impractical. How so?

So I think, I think, well, because then how am I going to use the mustard if it's, like, I got to take it six feet away from the fridge. That's okay. What are you going to run a marathon and then use it at the end of it? You just got to use it. You said six feet from the fridge, like that was impossible to do. Right. A longer chain, perhaps. Yeah, but also six feet away from the fridge, Susan.

Yeah, but you could also. scoop it into something and then put it where you need to. And also, how far is your stove from your fridge is more than six feet? No, no, it's not bad. I have to say something. I think women are in trouble. Women are in terrible trouble. The way that you have to adjust your life to bank chain your own condiments to the inside

of your fridge in order to enable. You know what? This is not a male thing. No, no, no. Zoe, we had a call the other day where this really nice guy lived with this woman who had 10 brothers and sisters and no one in her family closed doors when they took shits

and she was this really sweet call. She was like, oh, it's fine, I love to stretch my legs out. Okay. We were like, what? And she was like, I mean, the door makes me feel claustrophobic. And he's like, she doesn't close the door. I've got a pitch. It's crazy.

How about this guy and that woman start dating? Oh, that's good. This toilet stuff like we have been. Yeah, I agree. Here's the thing. He's not allowed to put comments in there. If there is, there's got to be consequences. You have to create a very clear boundary and say it's disgusting because there's fecal

men are in the air and go, you get that, right? My man, it doesn't just come out your butt and disappear. It floats around. It's among us. So that's why we need this room to be pretty sealed up, yeah? And he'll go, make sense. Yeah. If you want to eat a burrito and have that can shit air in your food, you do you, King.

but I don't want my stuff to food especially. I don't want that jar opened up in here. Does that make sense, my king? And he'll go, I hear what you're saying, but in a lot of it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't do this one. And if he goes, I need to be able to open up food in the bathroom. I'm telling you he's not the right guy.

I think the chaining. That's fair. That's fair. The chasing, Susan, if this is early on, this started in November, imagine 10 years from Correct. Oh my God. The toilet's going to be full of condiments. That's only the beginning of how crazy.

The fridge is in the bathroom. He might take a dump in the kitchen. I don't want to walk in there. I just like shit it in here. You might be living in hell. Honest to God, I think he's right. I think this is, you just have to feel comfortable approaching something like this with him because this dude is eating in the toilet.

I mean, this is fucking nuts. So Susan, let's do this really fast. Zoe, I would like you to be Jake, please, in a reenactment. Okay, yeah. Susan, will you be you? And will you tell Jake in your words that this has to be done? Can I ask a question, Jake, before we start? Do you think she should bring?

I think the chaining of the condiments is a nice way to be like, hey, I'm trying to work with you. Should that sort of be the pitch here a little bit? Like, do you need me to chain these condiments? trying to solve this for us, so I'm thinking I'm going to start chaining the condiments to the fridge. So, Susan, that's up to you. What I would do, honestly, if I was you, no, I would go, this is disgusting and it has to stop. But take a second, Susan, and you play your game, okay? Okay, okay.

And whenever you're ready, Jake, it's the morning after, you go to the bathroom, there was mustard. Now it's 9 a.m. You go in the bedroom, Jake still sleep, and he was eating that burrito at 3.000. I'm. He's tired. So it's time to wake his big ass up and have a confrontation. Zoe, your big ass, Jake. Ready?

Hey, Jake. Hey, baby. I was just in the bathroom and I noticed that there was mustard on the counter. And I know you really like to eat in there because it's all steamy and it makes you feel comforted. But it's kind of gross because there's like germs and stuff. Really quick, pause. Your thoughts on that, Jake? That is true about you, Jake.

Go ahead. Your thoughts? Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby, that's right. Go on. What do you like about it? She said it makes you feel comforted. Go ahead.

Yeah, baby. I love it because it's just where I feel the safest. And the combination of, I love flavors and textures. And when I'm eating and the steam and veld. my body, it just feels like a better way for me to digest my food. It helps with my IBS. I swear I think there's a real possibility that he could actually say that back to me. That's why we're doing this, Susan.

So keep going. Hang in there. Susan's hang in there. You are going to win this. Okay. So, which I totally understand your reasoning for wanting me eating there. But can I ask you just to like maybe not. bring the condiments in with you and just sauce up your stuff before you go in there.

So something about me is that my taste buds were impacted as a child because I burned my tongue on hot cocoa. So sometimes if I put just a little bit of mustard in the kitchen, then I'm going back and forth and I'm letting the steam out of the bathroom. So I need to be able to adjust on the spot. So. Wow, I didn't realize you had this disability. Yes.

Susan, no. Susan, no. Susan. Susan. Susan. It doesn't make you able to us. Do not go like this. Well, would you like me to bring the turkey in there? Oh, gosh. No. Should we put a stove in the tub? Susan, you're winning this. Keep going.

I'm going to put a toaster in the tub in five minutes. You can say, I'm sorry about your disability, but... Yeah, remember, you're right. Don't forget that. Yeah, yeah, that's true, that's true. Okay, so I'm so sorry to hear about your taste box. But we really need to keep the condiments out of the bathroom. just for like sanitary reasons. Is that a thing you can participate in?

What do you mean? Because if the shower's running, the whole thing is clean. But the toilet is still located in that room. But the, um, and wait, what's the problem? There's germs everywhere because it's a bathroom and that's where we go pee and poop. But if I'm not pooping while I'm, eating, then there's no germs. No, the bathroom's still very germy.

The bathroom's germy. I didn't realize that because I thought if I was cleaning myself that the bathroom was clean. Yeah, not so much. Also, the cat jumps up on the sink. His little litter box plaza are up there too. Oh. Just not a place for food. So I can't eat in the bathroom anymore.

I would prefer it if you didn't. Is that a preference? Susan, Susan, Susan, you had it. You had it. Okay. Right there. You can't then at the end go, I prefer,

that's what I'm saying. If you want to eat in there, my condiments cannot go in there. If you want to eat in a disgusting shit room, do it. But my, our shared food, I'm a no. Does that make sense?

Yeah. So get back into it and finish. finish a little bit stronger because by the way, Susan, you were killing that. Great. Okay. Zoe, will you go back and give her a little wrinkle before you start a green and let's see if we can. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I just don't really agree with you at all.

That's cool that you don't agree with me and you're entitled to your preference, but my preference is that food does not ever go into the bathroom. Well, I guess we have different preferences. It seems that way, but can you respect mine? I'll try my best, baby. Okay, and if I find condiments in the bathroom, just know that there will be serious repercussions. Susan, here's it is.

If I find, here's what you do. I have a great pitch all of a sudden. You have to have this talk with him. If it's in there again, throw it the fuck out in the bathroom garbage. That's great. And he goes, what's you doing? You go like this. I can't eat it.

And he goes, why? I've told you, if there's anything in the bathroom that's food, it goes in the garbage because he made it garbage. Yep. Yeah. So do this talk to them. But I think he might do a version of what Zoe's saying where he's just wiggly. So that's fine. It's in there, garbage where he has to see it.

Waste the money. Don't throw it out. I'm using it. You go like this. It can't go in the fridge. I can't accidentally eat. that. Yeah.

And you're being so kind to him, but I think a boundary needs to be firmer than a preference. And then he goes the next night, I'm going to have this weird pretzel while the showers on. You know where the mustard is like, I had to throw it up because you used it in the toilet. And he goes, well, it's 3 a.m.

I want my word pretzel thing. And you go, well, we don't have mustard because of you. This is why we can't have nice things, Jake. Mm-hmm. Because you bring them in the toilet while you eat. This is insane. But Susan, how do you say?

But I think you're exactly right. You're going to win, Susan, if you do that call the way you did that call, and then if it's not the way you want, you throw it out, you will have fixed this problem in six to seven weeks total. Throwing it out is great. Because then you're saying, oh, we're out of mustard. We're throwing money in the garbage because you and I can't seem to land on a... Also, I don't think we could have more condiments in this house.

Right. There's no condiments left. So now if you want them, I guess go to McDonald's and get a little plastic one. Because I guess we only live. He's leaving his mustard in the McDonald's bathroom. Oh, God. But also, like, but you're basically saying, we don't have ketchup anymore.

You now steal those little plastic ketchup. We have a one-and-go condiment because you can't handle it. So if you need to do what... I actually thought about that, about getting packets. No. But it also doesn't work for every condiment, and I feel like I'm just allowing way too much. No.

Susan, you do what you do. He can do that. Mm-hmm. Correct. But if there is countenance in the bathroom, they belong in the trash. Yes. Don't get the little packets. When are you going to have this talk with him? I can do it tonight.

Can you film it? Well, blur faces. Or can you voice note record it? Or just set up the voice memo. Please do. Yeah, I can voice note. Yeah, I can do that. And then follow up with us in a couple of weeks to see how it all goes.

and if it's fixed. Okay. Appreciate the call. Thank you, Susan. Thanks, guys. Chief is on your side. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show,

please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh.

The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Garethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HeadGum podcast.

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