We're Here to Help - 284: Hot Tub Guitar Chat & The Loin Tingler!

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

The guys help a daughter protect her parents from negative AirBnb reviews. Then, they concoct a persona for a Ren Faire-themed wedding. Plus, a follow-up from Ep 229 "Vision Board Loophole (with Ophelia Lovibond). Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is the Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, here's stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room,

and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to the Hacks podcast on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts. What's your idea, Gareth? Well, Jesse revealed something during the break, and I don't know if you want to talk about this, but we talk a lot of times about the beauty of being able to do this show from our closets, our hotel rooms.

Jesse, you son of a bitch. You said of a bitch. Jesse revealed that a pee break. You little snake. Jesse revealed out of pee break about a half hour ago that you shut your camera off. And the reason you shut your camera off was why, Jake? Well, because we decided to take a bathroom break.

Why? Why'd the camera go off, buddy? Because you had to stand up of what's going on? I'm not wearing pants. All right. So what's going on over there? What are we talking? Because you are unembarrassed sometimes when you're wearing your little USA shorts.

I'll tell you what's going on. That's a terrifying, terrifying angle. Jake. Jake. Jake. I can't believe the flexibility of this straight cat Oh That was a nightmare

That was injuries That was something You know what my body You look like you just came from a one-night stand You look like you just had a one-night stand And you're about to make breakfast for your suitor Yeah Well what happened is and what I love about this show

is, you know, we haven't recorded a little bit. We went a little early today. We started at 8 a.m. So I thought, you know, let's just go to work and have a little bit of fun. And the reason why this has gotten so much more fun when we're not going in studio as much is we don't have to get dressed and drive over. And I thought, well, I'm wearing a sweatshirt. I was wearing this this morning with the kids and the wife as we were getting ready. Then everybody was leaving for school.

and I thought, I could throw pants on. What is on the bottom half right now? Boxer briefs. Okay. Your outfit, it is why this doesn't feel like work. I mean, what you're wearing right now is what you run to get the paper in. Yes. What I'm wearing right now is as much of a home outfit as there could be.

This is a weird. this is a sweatshirt that was some product that came our way from some company that is a sponsor. I don't remember which one it is right now, but it's comfortable as hell. And no pants, no socks. For this show, I don't think pants are necessary. I agree completely. This doesn't feel like the kind of show where I got a, I'm not like interviewing Obama, where I'm like, I should have slacks on.

Yesterday when we did our, we did a run of intros, and I was pantless, but I didn't get busted. I didn't know. Yeah, I was in a hotel pantless, but. I'm surprised you had any clothes on. Were you not doing yoga that day? Enough. Yeah, what percentage of days are you guys pantsless?

I think you should each. Not a lot. I mostly have shorts on. I mostly have some respectable bottoms because of the reason you turned the camera off. Because I had a lot on recently. I'm here to the bathroom, and you're going to see the bottom half, and I don't want my. my butt in boxer briefs to appear

because I know Gareth would make fun of me. Never. Would you say, Jesse? Well, yesterday you were pantsless. Jake, you were pantsless today. It doesn't sound like something that happens a lot. So like what's going on this week that suddenly everybody's pantsless. Well, you know what it is?

I know what it is with Jake. What? You've been going to set. You've been shooting. There's a whole lot of, you got to, like you said, you got to dressed up. You're going to work. No, I think what's going on with me

is my hours have been intense and I'm tired. Yeah. So, but still. Yeah. I think it's the, and then I go back to work tomorrow morning, so my, everything's been off. Let me ask you a question, Jesse. Have you ever done this without pants on?

No. Stand up right now. Stand up. Without further. Stand up. You're not allowed to without further. Yeah, you can't. You can't.

You can't. I know. Since we're waiting. Are you wearing pants? Stand up. I'm wearing shorts right now. Are the shorts underpants? Okay, they're actual shorts.

Look at this. Hell yeah. Let's see your legs too here, baby. I got pants on. I got like, I'm on the East Coast. Yeah. Well, Jesse just, I mean, you look like you're a boy on a can of paint with this outfit. Now, I really don't know what.

This is actually my version of what Jake is talking about. Yeah. This is sort of a little boy outfit, which shouldn't matter. You look like you should be at the end of a pier throwing rocks. Hey, Gareth, I want a quick contest. Jesse, let's have a leg off. Yes. Let's both put a leg up, Gareth.

Judge us like the meat sacks we are. Jesse. And I want you to. Smooth, pale, skinny. Jake, Jake, much, much better skin tone. It's nice. Jake's like his nice.

Olivey. Jesse, you're pale as shit. Come on. Also, Jake, hairless. You almost look like a swimmer. Jesse, good hair. I am going to be totally honest with you, too. And I am shocked at what I'm about to say.

The winner of the leg contest is Jake. Yeah. Jake was out further. Adoo! Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu. Yep. We are also having our back catalog is going to be on Hulu. We're going to be about 20 at a time.

So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu. Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies? No, and you can get season one, season two. We're going to have a nice melange on Hulu, but the day early. I mean, there's a lot of advantages. Here's another thing. Here's another thing. People going, well, I don't have Hulu.

You got YouTube? Because we're there, too. Yeah. Hulu, a day early. YouTube for stragglers. And also, you go, I don't have that. Well, we got Patreon. Yeah.

And they go, I don't have that. What do you want? Yeah. Okay, Jake. We're trying to be inclusive. And you're yelling. at them, but I think you're right. It's just, look.

Watch this show anywhere. There's a lot of options. Hulu's early. Hulu's early. Audio day of, YouTube day of, Patreon, no ads. Here's the way to remember it. Hulu, new, so Nulu. It's not the way to remember.

They also have back catalog stuff. Okay, then that we call... Yeah, all right, it's falling apart. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Casper mattresses. You know when you just had one of those days, you give a presentation and the internet cuts out, then you go on a date and it's awful. He or she looks nothing like the goddamn picture. He makes you pay.

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the thing about quits to give a shout out. They sent us, uh, Gareth, you and I don't know if they send them to you, Stevie. They should. They really sent us a bunch of shirts. to or clothes a link to like pick out some clothes and I got four black shirts and my stylist that was sent to me through Apple this woman Annie do whenever I have to do a big press day she comes by and she goes what are you wearing these days and they always make fun of me because the clothes I wear are terrible and I showed the quince shirts and she goes what are you doing in quince shirts and I go this is what I wear now she goes this is the first time your clothes are cool she goes wear that and I go I can wear my own clothes. I know. I wear Quince now to like when I do like a press day. For my special, I had

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Hello. Hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good. Welcome to the show. America's number one podcast. I don't know if Hulu knows that. Can we get your name, please? Sure. My name is Amber. Amber. Where are you calling from Amber? I'm calling from New Jersey. New Jersey. Where in New Jersey, roughly? What are we talking? It's like a commuter suburb outside of New York City. How old are you, Amber? I'm 38. 38. All right. Amber, New Jersey, 38. What's going on? What can we help you with? Yeah. So my.

parents, they live on a couple hundred acres in the Adirondacks, and they're turning part of their house into an Airbnb. It is a great property. It's near a lot of tourism, so I think it makes sense. The problem is that my dad is extremely friendly. He's not creepy. He's just enthusiastically helpful. And I think his version of hosting would be greeting every guest, giving them a tour of the property, explaining how the heat works in detail. And honestly, I think he would socialize in the hot tub

if given the opportunity. Oh, my God. So as you may agree. This is, I relate to this so strongly, and the last part you said gave me chills. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

And, you know, most Airbnb guests, they want their privacy. So I'm worried they're going to get bad reviews because of the surprise hospitality. So my question is how do I help them set expectations or boundaries before they go live? They should be opening it in like two months in the spring so that guests know what they're booking. And my dad doesn't accidentally take any ratings by participating in their stay.

This is a very interesting. Very good, by the way. And also, Amber, really well done. I agree. Very clean. Not going to be easy. but I get the problem. All right.

I got a couple ideas here already. Okay. Because I've had this happen before where you get that energy. There also is this, you know, you kind of do need that person at times. Like there'll be an issue or something and you need to contact them. So there's something that is you're too aloof and you actually need the host's assistance. Or there is, I don't need blueberry. from your garden.

That's good for you, but I actually enjoy my privacy. I need you out of here. I need you out of here. So this is what I would pitch. I would pitch two things for your dad. First of all, you're going to have to have the conversation

with your dad, and you're going to have to explain that if this is a business thing, he needs to understand that the hosting element is simply providing the space. These people, for the most part, are not expecting any finer touch than that. But maybe what we can do is,

your dad can put in the like welcome Bible that every Airbnb has with the Wi-Fi, the heating, air conditioning instructions, all that stuff. He can put in there. If you would like an extra hosting experience, I can come over with a bottle of wine and I can sort of walk you around the area. It's beautiful and give you some ideas of activities to do. Whenever you need it, I'm on call. Yes. I can come over, walk you through the optional checklist just because it's going to be a little easier. than writing it all down for you.

You know what we could do that dad might have fun with Amber? Mm-hmm. What if on his Airbnb, he says, please let me know. He goes, my daughter said I have to do this because I'm too friendly. If you want any interaction or no interaction, retired around chatty.

But my sweet daughter, Amber, said some people aren't looking for that. I love that, but here's my new pitch. What if you tell your dad to put a DVD player and have it hooked up on the TV and the place, and you film Dad making a little welcome video, so he sort of gets the FaceTime production that he wants a little bit. And by the way, you do it on your phone. You do it on your phone, and it's him greeting the people telling him he's excited to be there. Goldhouser style.

Hi, welcome. Yeah. Giving them some options of things to do around the area. And if you have any further questions, as you can see, I'm a very amiable guy. And Amber, you can do jump cuts in it where he goes like, where here you can get the coffee? And then cut to he's in the hot tub. He goes, or take a dip. How about this, Jake?

Let's do this. Let's have her film a thing. This is the pitch. You don't have to do this. Kyle cuts it. Kyle cuts it. We add just a slight bit of production to it with some beer. So we have an editor who could probably help you if you sent the stuff.

So that's a pitch. And the pitch on that one is we make a video for your dad that he can, well, that wouldn't be a DVD. It doesn't have to be. You know it could be like a scanner or something. Yeah, we could get a QR. QR thing. Just when you hear that, Amber, what are your first thoughts?

I like it because it, it, we can set the expectation that there could be more. I guess I'm a little nervous about my dad than being like, hey, did you watch the video or like still the interaction piece? Because they're going to be there. They're going to be on site. They're pretty much there all the time. That's a problem.

Because this could also make your dad feel like, well, I just did this really fun thing. What did you think? and then being like, I think I want to fucking stay here and not talk to you. I didn't even watch the stupid video, you goofball. Here's what I might say. I still think we could do the video because I think it purges your dad of some of the entertainment value that he wants to give the guests. But I've always found this a bit strange if you get in like a lift or something like that.

And they're like, there's an option of do you want to talk to the driver or something? And I'm always like, that's so weird to be like, no, you know, because you're right there with the person. But what we could do is we could put a little placard on the outside of the place, almost like do you want housekeeping or anything? It just says in there if you want. Are you social or not? Yes, something to that effect. And you turn, you got a red part of the sign, which you turn around if you want none of your dad. And you want a green if there's any part of you that's like, hey, maybe the guy should come over for a minute.

And you know what could be funny about that, Amber? if you make the sign that say like, hi, welcome, I'm the owner's daughter. My dad is very social, very sweet guy. If you put green, hang green outside of your door, that means you are open to, if my dad sees you, he's going to come over and chat you up. But if you put red, he understands

you're looking for a quieter stay and he will respect your social boundaries. So green if you're an extrovert, red if you're an introvert. Sincerely, Amber, his daughter, who ignores him. And then I think the part you're talking about as well is you need to just say to your dad, like, look, nobody is expecting to see you. Now, that doesn't mean that there aren't people who aren't open to you kind of recommending things or saying hello, but we need to come up with clear boundaries because you are foregoing this being your place. this is now a rental property. Amber, your thoughts on this?

I like this. I think this is definitely going to be helpful. I know my mom's worried that my dad's too friendly. So I can definitely... Yeah, she's definitely part of it. The signal is, I think, going to be good. So you like the signal more than the video. I mean, I think they both work as like setting people up for success.

But I'll tell you what I don't think we want to do. We don't want to go too hard because then people are going to go. Yeah. There's a video and a sign. Jesus Christ, this guy, fucking psychopath. Yeah, I think Jake's right. We might want to. I think he's right.

It seems like you're leaning sign. I think the sign, the only other thing I'm saying, I'm thinking and I don't know is it's kind of like the boundaries to what the interactions are. Meaning what? You know, is it like like it could be

walking the land and the property and kind of seeing the sites? Like I kind of want to limit my dad to like you could do these, have a short conversation, offer the you know, a tour of the property but don't like sit them down. and play some music for them or something.

Right. Yes. So your dad's Eric. So, yes. Yeah, I understand. Okay. So here's my,

here's a quick pitch for you. Here's a different, this is a different way to skin it. I would maybe, uh, write and print out in fine print a part of the Airbnb schedule and go, hey, dad, have you seen this?

And have them go, what, honey? And go, they can ask for a refund if they feel their privacy has been infringed on and that means in Article A talked to for more than three minutes unsolicited overly social and he's like, what?

And they go, Airbnb wants it very clear. This is not a way to socialize. You are renting out your place like a hotel and if people overstep these nine clauses, Dad, like for example, Dad, it says here in the contract, you are allowed to walk them around and tour it, but you can't play them a song unsolicited. And they go, you are allowed to say, enjoy the hot tub,

you're not allowed to jump in with them. What do you think of that? Answer that, Amber, because I have a tweak on that maybe, but go ahead. Yeah, I mean, I... I definitely can educate them. I could have my mom reinforced. I think she's reading a book about how to set up an Airbnb.

That's helpful. Yeah. Okay. So that is a minor fib. And I think it's helpful because, again, you are sort of saying this is a business decision. Here's going to be my pitch on how we further solidify that if you want. we set it up that your dad and Eric are on a call at the same time, and we pretend that Eric has an Airbnb where he kind of brings voice to some of the things that

Jake is saying. As a previous Airbnb owner, he's a real social guy. He made the mistake a couple times of wanting to be involved in their lives a little too much, got into a fight and lost his Airbnb. be. You're talking about having Eric call the dad? I'm talking about the dad calling the show. No,

this will never go. Eric will go sideways. Eric's a wild animal, Gareth. You can't plan for a wild boas. You know better than me. He'll go like this. This is how that'll go. But can we, it's acting.

He's also an actor. I know you need a script. This is how it would go. Okay. All right, Garrett. So you be you and I'll be Eric. I'll be the dad. You be the dad.

So the setup is clear, right? Yep. Hey, so I just, want to let you know one thing. Man, I did just like you. You can't overly socialize because people these days, Jim, let me tell you, they are soft, man. Okay.

They don't want the good stuff, man. But I could tell, dude, you're a great guy and you have a great soul. And you, man, you are a light. And if you have a song to play, then brother, man, play it because you're a light. You might be one of the greatest guys I have ever met. And if one of these people doesn't want that light, then you shine the light on them, man. So I was one time in Topanga Canyon and cleaners.

Hold on, man. I'm talking. But remember. I was at this Topanga cleaners. And this person said to me, hey, man, what is that stain? And I said, it's Tiziki sauce from a Euro. Okay. I got charred.

I'm talking. I got churn. Garrett, you know there's truth to that. I thought he could maybe pull off the this happen to be, but as you say it, obviously, I could see it very clearly. I don't think we go that route. Okay, okay. So Amber, which what, what do you like?

Because I also have the hard one-on-one, let's get real talk dad, but we've got dad video, we've got dad sign, we've got fake contract, we've got hard, one-on-one or just because it's been said, we try to connect your dad and Eric. What are you thinking out of the ones Jake just laid out there? Okay. I think that the sign makes sense because, and I think that the guests would appreciate that they have the option.

Yep. So that kind of like builds up the rapport with the guess because we want them to have good ratings right? Yep. And the experience that they want. And then I think coupled with some sort of like printout and like getting my mom involved and like walking them through like this is really what you can do and this is what you can't do and just making sure like showing them I'm invested and like want to make sure they're set up for success.

I think those are. When you say the can and can't, you mean your mother talking to your father about what he can and can't do. I mean, I could either set her up to do it or I could be up there visiting. Amber, you do it is great. And you know what I think you should do, Amber? I think you should film it with your phone

and I think you should have a buzzer thing. And when your dad starts going into a direction that's bad, you go like, you know what it reminds me of those really funny car commercials about, or not car commercial, insurance or something, where it's all those old guys. old women. Yes. And the guys like,

the progressives. Bill Glass. Yeah, nobody wants you doing that. And it's like, okay. That is exactly what it is. Your dad just needs a little bit of progressive help.

Your dad has to be the Bill Glass who, you're the bill glass to your dad's young person with old person problems. This isn't allowed, man. Yeah. I think that's exactly right. Yeah. Yeah.

So, but the sign is a good. Hopefully he'll be open. Well, maybe show them those commercials to start. Maybe get online and show up. And he goes, my watching.

And you go, there's something I want to talk to you about running this Airbnb. And I go, you know how this commercial is pretty funny? And he goes, it is. And it's funny. You go, that's you and the Airbnb king. And he goes, no.

Yeah. Nobody wants to hear you play guitar in the hot tub. They don't? No. It's so. It's, it's, I, Amber, it's a real problem. I hear, it is so funny to picture your dad trying to go over there and play music. And by the way, also just picturing how supportive Eric would eventually be when your dad just said one thing in retort.

But I think offer the sign, offer the conference. And I do think Jake's right. That is actually a very good visualization of this issue. Overfriendly becomes enemy real quick in the Airbnb world. Oh, great. Yeah, totally. All right, so Amber, walk us through really quick. We've given you a lot on this one because you had a juicy problem.

Yeah. Will you tell us, will you tell us what you think you're going to do and how you're going to do it? Yeah, so I'm going to go visit them in a couple of weeks, and that's where I'm going to have the conversation about how they think it's going to going to go down and like walking them through like some of the Airbnb points. Yep. And I think I'll have something printed out. Like they'll appreciate that it was like work.

I love that. Great. Will you send us the thing you printed out? Yep. Yeah, totally. Great. Keep going. Okay.

And then I'm going to, I'll have a really nice sign. I don't know on Etsy or something made that is like, the, you know, I'd love to learn more, I don't know, I'd love to learn more about the property or open to connecting with the host or something like that. That's like the, I like the red and green. And put that outside. Because I feel like my dad's just going to be like walking by the entrance and like packing on it.

Yeah. But you know. But you know. Well, maybe get two made. And also the thing that is, The thing that's great about the privacy please in hotels is that it's always respected. So it is a line. It's fully a rule and it's respected.

They'll leave you alone for four days, but keep going, Amber. Yeah. And I think just the sign, I'll definitely talk to them about how they're going to, like, what the book is, where they, like, give them recommendations and explain. you know, how to use everything, make sure that they're set up with that. You know, I could, if they're really interested, they could record the video, but again, we don't want to be too much. So I think it's just like diving in deeper into how they're thinking about it.

And then they just, we got to kind of go live and see how it works and get that first review. I think that's good. And then I think you tell your mom. that if he breaks this rule to let you know. And then I think you call in and we make a fake email from the guests to the Airbnb about their experience. And we could shock him back in line. Yeah. Okay.

So that's our contingency. But I think you do that lead up. And it's almost like a scared straight. It's like, look, you want to have this work. You've got to understand you're opening a business, not a friend cabin. Yeah. So. And worst case, we'll fly Eric there.

And, you know, they fight each other. I don't know. Okay, Amber. We'll go off with that. Go off with that. If there's anything you film or any, you know, anything like that you want to send the show, we'd appreciate it. We can have a follow up, but keep us posted.

Thank you so much. We'll do. All right, Amber. I appreciate it. Yeah. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

Hello? Hello? Hi, how are you? Good, how are you doing? Good, what's your name, please? You're on the show. We're here to help Jake and Carith. We're both here.

What's your name? Who are you? Hi, I'm going to go with Danny. Denny? Danny. Danny. I was going to say Denny is a weird, like, fake name. Where are you fake calling from, Danny?

I live in the Pacific Northwest, but I'm calling from the Philippines today. Okay. Okay. How old are you? 37. 37. Why are you in the Philippines? Is that part of the problem? No, unrelated. I'm just on vacation. Oh, you're on vacation. So you're ruining the vacation by calling. We're here to help to figure out some problem.

No, I'm making the vacation even better. Yeah, that's the spirit. All right, Danny. What is going on that you had to call us from the Philippines? So I, along with five of my co-workers, have been invited to another co-worker's Renaissance Fair-themed wedding. Oh, wow. And I'm trying to figure out how to make it as fun as possible while still respecting his big day. Interesting.

So are you, you're saying how much can you swing for the fences in your Renfair character that like the posse, how wild can you get while still making the wedding not about you? That's exactly it, yeah. You nailed that, Gareth. Well, what are the things,

what feels too far? What are the things you're thinking of so far? I also, just to jump in, I also took some screenshots from your friend's wedding website that you sent so that the guys could get an idea. Yeah, let's have a look. Okay, perfect.

I just grabbed a couple things. Can we not share that publicly? No, no, no, no, we're not going to. We'll scratch out names and stuff. Okay. Okay. Oh, okay. Yeah.

One of my coworkers had a funny idea. Like, I think one thing that's on like the low end, the easy side is he wants to dress like Shrek, not green like Shrek, but just wear the outfit that Shrek wears, which I think is funny, but a little bit, you know, not super exciting. Yeah. Agreed. That sounds pretty. standard.

Right. Exactly. It's basically perfectly on brand for. Danny, I got to jump in because we're acting like a lot of this is normal and I'm just catching up to what's happening visually. I don't think I got it. When you first, I thought Gareth made it clean so I can understand. They want you guys to dress up like you're a medieval.

Everybody's got to wear these like traveling rogue clothes at their wedding. Red fare attire. Well, the ones we're looking at for those listening is we're looking at. We're looking at a druid costume, which sort of looks like, I guess, an evening messenger, a traveling. Do you got to go to T.J. Max. A rogue. Red dress for less. A rogue.

They all ought to say. There's no way you could go too far, Danny. It's all too far. Is an interesting one, too. If you've got a witch, a sack of crystals. What is the other screenshot, Natalie? Is that just like a list of the options? Oh.

This is great. The wedding party, okay, I don't know how much to read of this because we don't want them to know. Wait, are we allowed, what can't we post on this? I'm going to black out the names, but I think that this is fine to read the description of this bard of honor and master of rebel. Are you fine with that, Danny? Sure. Yeah. We'll take away the name at the bottom.

I think it's going to be fine. I think it's a... Listen, we're here to support and make it better and make sure that nobody ruins the wedding. Garrett, will you read what they've written? Sure. Under Barred of Honor, we've got the Stealer of Hearts and Spinner of Illusions.

The Bart of Honor bruise elixirs that could awaken ancient gods, crafts fashion out of rebellion, and pokes dead things with a stick just to check it off the list. Whether moving through a kitchen or a dance floor, she wields the same reckless grace, turning meals into feast, steps into stories, and foes into friends.

In every stitch, sip and story, the bard leaves gilded memories in shimmering cloud, somehow always scented faintly of teakwood, Jasmine, and Tabasco. Tobasco, yuck!

That smell is wild. Then we've got a Master of Revels. A conductor of chaos and curator of good times, the Master of Revels turns every gathering into a spectacle worth retelling. A carefree show.

showman with a professor's brain and a daredevil's heart. He commands drones, rides motorcycles like a challenge of fate and upgrades any party into a legendary status. Equal parts professor and party started. I am the commander of the drones. Run! He, uh, at a party's he arrives like a spark to dry tinder, quickly turning strangers into accomplices. Under his watch, laughter flies. Spirit soar. And the party achieves controlled chaos. Excuse me. I'm the commander of the Xbox controller. I am the drone commander. Okay, Danny, this is good stuff.

Congratulations to the pair. I'm glad you guys found each other. You guys seem perfect. It's going to be great. So you got invited to this wedding. Are you into this Renaissance fair attire? Is this something your whole group's into? Are you more like me and you go like, wait, what?

Yeah, absolutely not. None of us have been to a Renaissance fair before. Okay. So this is so random. The, what is the commander of the drones? Is he your friend or is she your friend? Those two, I believe, are like the bride of honor. Oh, I got.

Okay. That was husband and wife. Okay. So who do you- I might be mistaken about that, but the husband, the groom is my friend and coworker. Okay. So he's your bud.

You got invited to this thing. And he's a good bud. you're going and you want to show respect. Exactly. Are you married? Are you going with a wife or a girlfriend? Are you going alone? No.

Just alone, but with that group of my other five-co-workers. Okay. So, Danny, your play is the Renaissance Bachelor. Oh, okay. I'm talking about the white shirt that's unbuttoned all the way to your stomach. You're the poet. You're the woodsmith. You're walking around with every lady you see

Especially the grandma's like the mother-in-laws You go like Hello me fair lady Have I not seen something as beautiful as you before And then do like a weird bow It's a great bitch You have a rose in your mouth You know what you should also have is you should have like

A feather and a fake inkwell And just print a bunch of little poems That you have rolled up into scrolls before the wedding You fake write them and hand them out You look at them and you go like, oh, my fair lady, you go like this, bring, bring, bring, and you handed them, and it's all the same exact bone. Hope they don't share. Or your Renaissance business cards. Yes.

And then you have another one that says, like, meet at your hut, like, it's your hotel room, and you're always trying to, like, bring ladies back to your dwellings. Oh, yeah, to your chambers. You could also have, like, an elixir that's got a little bit of, like, rum in it or something like that for yourself. You should also have like a really flamboyant little dance and laugh. Uh-huh. That like, you're the poet and the lover and then be like, you know what else you should have is like a little fake bird that you can put on your finger sometimes and just sort of hold out there like it's your counsel.

And once you create the character, never break. Yeah. You know what else? And this you can pitch to one of your other buddies. He could just have a falconier's glove and his falcon flew off and he's sort of heartbroken for the whole event. He's looking for Mortimer. One of you, yeah, what if you could be, look at him where, one of you could be the guy who was recently arrested?

How about a recently released wizard? A wizard con man? You're a wizard, but you don't have any abilities. His spouse. His face just runs a pyramid. He got caught for the first pyramid scheme. So, no, no, I am a wizard. Okay, so you're right.

Okay, so this one is going to work, though. What I need right now from you. $40 to start off and you will get a piece of the moon. What are you thinking about these early pitches, Danny? I'm loving everything I'm hearing. I knew that you guys are going to be able to help me out with this. Yeah, this was fertile land. And is the one you're kind of jumping on to?

Let's make sure you're happy here. I kind of like the poet angle and having, you know, little scrolls with some little poems ready to go. Okay, I love that too. And then what do you think about being a, full on trying to dance with all the women, just be like the lover of the night. Yeah, I think I can probably manage.

I'm also like very curious what the general crowd's going to be like here. I don't know too many of his friends outside of work, and I haven't met a lot of his family. So that's kind of a little bit of an unknown at this point. I'll tell you, though. Yeah, go ahead, Gary. Well, this is what I would say. I would think, look, you're going to get a mixed bag.

You're going to get people who are like, this is weird. If I were you, I would lean in. Being comfortable at this event is going to be a lot more fun than being like, these two wackos. Also being a little drunk. I think you have a little bit of your elixir going. You know, maybe it's a rum and Coke,

but something in a little apothecary bottle for yourself. You need a lot of elixir. You might need a lot of elix. Hopefully they have an open elixir. But I would bring my own. I would have like a little, like a corked bottle almost. Exactly right.

Something like that. You're walking around with it. It's spilling a little bit. Oh, I like that, actually, a lot. Having sort of like a buccaneer pitcher where you can kind of be swashy. And you walk by to others and you go like to the guys like, yeah. You have a little like a little lambskin mead holder or something around yourself too. Okay, yeah.

You could have a little red line in there. Here's what I would consider doing. Have a little mask too. Because these things are harder to really commit to being ridiculous. but if you had like a little mask that covered your eyes slightly, it would just make your day a lot. Oh, yeah.

I actually like that a lot. Right, where you're like, well, I'm the poet. I'm like, by night, I'm the secret poet. I'm the lover. When I used to do, who is that guy? When I used to do kids parties, if your face was covered, it's easier. It opened you up a lot more to being a douche.

It's easier. Yeah. I like that a lot. Like a little like kind of like, uh, lone ranger mask. exactly right just a little mystery yeah and by the way you're single you're out that's going to add an element of like this is going to be a fun finish yeah okay and dan i let's do something really fast let's hear a taste of this character let's hear how you do the voice okay let me think here

now paint the picture of them a little bit let us know how you're going to look okay i'm i can all Close your eyes and visualize this. So I'm thinking it's got a little bit of a princess bride kind of vibe to it. Right. I like the idea of like a Zoro mask. Yes. And then probably big, flowy white shirt with big frilly flee. Yes.

And maybe unbuttoned all the way down to my belly button. Yes. And then maybe, I guess maybe like a big belt. I kind of would like to wear a sword or something like that too. Oh, great. Maybe I'll say this. How about a dad? because a sword I could see being a real pain in the ass for the whole day.

Especially when some of that elixir gets too much in you to sit weird. Yeah. What are you going to do with your hair, Danny? Sure. Here's going to be key. Just like sort of a regular mullet right now. Okay. Would you consider doing a full blow dryer or would you maybe consider a perm?

Or a headband. Like a kind of like... I don't want 70s headband. Okay. I don't want that like hipster. I don't want the hipster. I have curly hair. Okay.

Yeah, I have curly hair, so it would not take a lot to get my hair pretty big. I just would have to basically run my hands through it and hope for a little bit of humidity. Okay, but what about like the blow-dried look so you look a little bit like a beautiful prince? Blow it out. Okay, like I belong on like a romance novel. I think I could probably make that happen. Because you're the lover. We don't want you to be the – this is why I don't want the hipster band.

I don't want you to be the one where we're not looking for everybody to go like, oh, my God, we love Danny. I want some people to go like, what is that guy? And I want some of the men to go, he's threatening. And you go, do you women folk? Of course I am. I think we're going for the same vibe as we want you to be sought after. Well, also in the days of the medieval times, the greatest threats to a happily married man was the poet, the lover. Because he could spin a tale that a simple man could.

and he would woo the women's underpants right off. Now let me just hold on real quick, Danny. Undergarments would melt away. If you had a weird accent, that would be enough to play it off as fact. Probably weird. Just the accent, yeah. Okay. All right, there we go.

Just wanted to get to the bottom of that. Thank you. Believe it or not, there was no research. Good, good commitment, though, because it felt real to not only us, but you as well. I believed it. Until you caught. Once you started slowly down, I did get embarrassed. The maidens wonder if this Rapscallion's tongue not only works in literature,

but perhaps in other ways that could be advantageous. For the poet, the lover, the dancer. Yes. Is he only spinning tails? Yes. But so what I don't want is the funny frat guy at a wedding who's like, I'm silly and I put my tire around my head and I'm crazy. And everybody goes like, oh, my God, he hasn't grown up.

But he's fun. I want, uh-oh. Oh, oh. Romeo. He's going to make love to all the women here. Yep. And then the men. And then the men.

He's going to make love to everybody here over 18. He's as if Game of Thrones was a man. Yes. I want Danny this lover boy to everybody of age to in their loins feel a tingle. Let's hear the voice. Okay, yeah, the loin tingler. I can do that. You're the loins tingler, Danny.

My favorite wrestler. Danny, your character that you only introduce yourself to, and that's later in the evening after you've had some elixir, is, shall I tell you my real name? Yes, and she'll reveal my identity. And they'll go, yeah, when I take this mask up, they go, what is it, Dan? And you go, the loin tingler.

I'm the loin tingler. And then you do the dance in like a weird little spin. Yeah. Because you can be a little flamboyant as the loin tinkling. I completely agree. You're tingling every loin, brother. Yeah, yeah. I like that it's not only women who are in danger of your sexual advances, it's the gentleman.

You see an old man. You ask a grandpa, a guy sitting there, go, can I have this dance? It's Whitney Houston. And he goes, huh? And you go, I'm the loin tin. And then throw a little fairy dust upon him. Come with me. And somebody goes, that's my grandpa.

He's not interested. You go, he goes, Sonny. Spit off. Excuse me, and then you hand him a scroll. And the hand of a scroll. Tata. So, Danny, are you liking this as much as we are? We're in love.

With the loin team. I am loving it. I'm loving it. I think the next steps I kind of got to, like, find some of these props. Because I'm loving the idea of having some kind of weird vassels for my drinks. Agreed. I think and I need like some kind of little, little sack full of jingling coins or something like that.

Yes, duckets. Agreed. And I think this is more important, these little trickets, than the outfit. I think the outfit is really just that white shirt you said. Opened. Opened. And then like some brown pants that are like.

And maybe a little leathery vest, but I do think the mask is key. The mask and all the little toys you got. And that way, when you want to be chill for a photo, you're not overstepping. Yes. You're just in basically medieval gear.

And then of a sudden you put the mask on and become the lointicler. And by the way, you're able to commit because of the mask. You really are. You can go a little bigger because you have, you're not yourself. People aren't going to be sure who you are. When the mask is off, you're Danny. Yep. Who's an accountant or whatever?

We haven't even found out yet. What do you do for work, Danny? I'm a teacher. So your teacher. And then when the mask comes out, on them loins will play. I'm the loins. You love to tickle an older groin?

Has anyone tickled that groin lately? I think loin, we're saying loin. You shifted to groin. Yeah, no. Now I think you're, now, again, we're getting into a dangerous story. You can't show up at a wedding with a mascot and be the groin tickler. Why not? He's going to be in the newspaper.

He's going to have to live in the Philippines. That's what it is. What's a loin, baby? The same thing. We tickling the buzz area. It's a different. It's an ambiguous. We bumping and uglies at this thing.

The loin is the soul's groin. You're talking about actual groin. I'm talking about tickle in the area. And I'm telling you, no. Hard no. I mean, whatever we call it is getting tickled. Agreed. So, Danny, let's hear this guy a little bit.

Okay, let's hear that I already know what we need next, but go ahead. Where you want to go first, Garrett? No, no, no. I think after, I think I know where we need to go for our next step, because this is important. this just became super important. I agree. I love this. So hit us with a little bit of the language here. Okay, so you guys are looking for kind of the character boys?

Yeah, let's hear him a little. Let's hear a rough draft. We can give notes. Do you want to be maybe a maiden or a man at the wedding, Jake? No, you just want to hear. I want to see him shine. I don't want us to get weird. Okay.

Okay, so let's try it. Hello, fair maidens. What brings you to this lovely event tonight? Are you enjoying the flowing mead as much as I am? Yeah, yeah, it's really nice. It's such a wonderful wedding. Yes, I see that you're... I'm losing it.

Danny, you're doing great. Danny? You're so good, I promise you. You're doing great, and the more that you warm into it, the better it'll get. Let's do it again. Gareth and I are two women at the wedding of around your age. You don't know us. You're at the bar area.

The wedding just happened. The parties just started. You just put the mask on. Okay. Masked on. Yeah. Oh, who are you? Hello, fair maidens.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure of making your acquaintance. Oh, I'm Melissa. I'm Sarah. We know the, we went to college with the bride. Would you put a chance enjoy a sip from my elixir jaw? Oh, what is it? I've only been drinking wine. it's elixir

okay sure yeah maybe but what is it that you're doing who what is this character who are you what are you dressed as oh um you maybe know me

um by the name the uh loin tingler so what is it the moin tinger money in the bank do you don't need any notes do you feel it

thankfully not physically because I'm sure someone was trying to lead you with that direction but yes this is great I'm gonna make I'm gonna add a couple I'm gonna add a couple things to this you should because it'll probably be open bar I would get a lot of like dollar coins so that you can have a ducat bag and be tipping in golden in coins or just in nickels and well I don't love that quarters coins or half dollars yeah yeah yeah And then I also, I'm going to say that you, every time you get a drink at the bar, you put it into your lamb skin. So you're always sipping out of the lamb skin commitment-wise. And I would maybe bring a couple extras so that if someone's interested, you could say to one of their potential suitors, here, you could have this.

This can you can fill, you know, put your wine in here. It's more fun to drink that way. I think that. And Danny, I think this is really fun. Yeah. Question for you. Are you an individual who smokes weed at weddings? Yes.

Okay, that's what I assumed, what I was going to say, no. One of the things is you could offer people where you could go like, because a lot of times at weddings, people are like, you know, I don't really smoke weed, but I would tonight. It's fun. When you're introducing people as the loin tingler, you could go like, perhaps you want to partake in some of my show them and go, medicine?

Or the wizard's flower? The wizard's flower. so that you're the weirdo, but you're also the guy who's bringing weed to the party. Also, the wizard's flower. Would you like me to put some Wizards flour in a mini scroll? Yes. And then they go like this. Oh, and then they go, come with me.

We can have a toke off the Wizards flower. Yes. And I'm going to say two other things. Danny, and I've had to learn this lesson over time, you can't get too hammered. Because you've got to keep it above board, mix wall, in as well because the last thing we want is for the guy who started off in first place the whole day to be lapped over and over again because he loses the thread while he's too busy getting hammered from his mead as the loin tingler. So that's the first part. And then the second

part I would say is I definitely have the scrolls, have that ready to go. I saw on what Natalie showed us that we have a minute until this wedding. Is that right? Yeah, it's in the fall, so I got some time. So I'm going to pitch that you put together your loin tinger ensemble, and before we're getting to the wedding, we do a follow-up, and we have him on video, Jake, and we walk through, and we just get a catch-up, and we can give any last-minute notes. I think that's a great idea.

Okay. What do you think, Danny? I mean, I think this is a fucking home run. I think it sounds amazing. What do you think for facial hair? What do you got currently? Nothing. I normally have a mustache.

I could grow like a big one and kind of curl it on the sides, but I'm almost imagining maybe a little skinny mustache. Yeah, I think the Raleigh fingers is really nice. I think the skinny one's really nice. Why don't you show up in the Raleigh fingers? If we love it, we'll keep it. If not, we can tell you to pair it down. Yeah, but we're just, it just has to be period, period right.

Yeah. Right. You know, I just don't, we can't have a soul accuracy. Yes. So you just have to,

you have to look like how we imagine William Shakespeare. Yes. Yes. I heard Shakespeare. Like, William Shakespeare.

This is going to be a great way. Oh, yeah, I'm excited about it. This is going to be great. Hey, Danny, please follow up with us,

bud. Absolutely. Thank you guys so much. All right, thank you, but enjoy your trip. Yeah. Enjoy your fake.

Yeah. Thanks, take care. All right. Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow-up from episode 229 vision board loophole with Aphelia Lubbond. Hello? Hi. Hi.

How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. Thank you. Can we get, it's all coming back to me now. Can we get your name, please? You can.

My name is Red. Red. Okay, Red. and we know you're a follow-up. I think we kind of know what the follow-up is, but why don't you just remind us who you are the first call where we left, Jen, how it went?

Yeah, so I was on the call with Ophelia and I needed help trying to hide the fact that I was staying sober from my wife's grandmother who was my drinking partner. Right. Right. And then when were you going to, and what did you and grandma do together? You guys would always drink?

and tell us a little bit about that again for people who aren't going to go back and listen to the first call. Yeah, so we always used to buy each other a bottle of whiskey and we would drink whiskey all day, play card games. But I had on my vision board to stay sober for a year. And unfortunately, a husband passed away and I thought we'd be drinking quite heavily and I needed help on how I would trick her into thinking I was drinking. Right. And so have you since our call before we get into what we pitched you,

have you seen her since? I saw her since the last call, yes. Okay, great. So hold on. Hold on. I'm going to save that for a little bit. What did we pitch for you to do? And which did you like is the solution?

So I got, Gareth said to say I was on a diet so I couldn't drink. Jake, I think you were saying to get. non-alcoholic beers and whiskey, and Aphelia came up with the idea to either get spatoons around the house or to create a backpack where I could spit the alcohol through into a container.

That's the best one. And what did you like? What was your plan? Well, I decided to say fuck it and I went with trying to create a backpack that I could spit the alcohol. You did? Oh, you're the best.

Oh, we have an image. Red. Oh, my God, you did it. Oh, you took it like a camel pack running backpack, but you turned it into a spit bag. This is so great, Red. So I used to have one, but my dog chewed it, so I needed a mirror anyways, and I thought this will work. Okay, so this is, Red, describe what it is. So it's what runners or cyclists use as a backpack, and it's like a two or three liter silicon container on the inside.

Oh my God. You used to drink the water. So I bought a silicon pipe and a valve on the end to change the valve around. So instead of drinking, I could spit into it and it would hold the whiskey. So just to be clear, it has a straw coming out of the bag, and you. reverse engineered the bag straw so that instead of sucking, you were spitting. Amazing. Wow.

Everybody who's listening on audio, we will post this on our socials. And also, anyone who's listening, this is how you do it. Whether this works or not, this is go with the, go wild. Agreed. So Red, walk us through when you visited Grandma, walk us through what you were wearing. How did it go? Take your time, give us all the details. Let's get a real picture of this.

So I had recently lost quite a bit of weight, so I was going to wear a size or two up and wear it on my front, so it looked like I still had a bit of a belly so I could get away with it. This is just awesome. We only flew carry-on, and my wife said it's not going to fit in the backpack. So I thought I would be smart and try and smuggle it down in the car ride down. I wore it on my front and filled it with water to drink out of

I just switched the valve and it didn't fit in the bag and it started leaking so I had to abandon it before we got on the plane Oh so you didn't even get it Dammit! No but I I did try unfortunately it didn't work

Well that's So what happened with grandma So on the day of the funeral I was the designated driver So I managed to get out of drinking Okay But at the house, I would stay very close to my brother-in-law. And any time he had a drink in front of him, I would pull it close to myself.

Oh, that's interesting. And I, obviously, it was Canada in November. It was fucking freezing. So I decided to try and make a hot toddy and pretend to pour whiskey in my tea. That works. Okay. So I managed to get away with it. and grandma didn't suspect anything.

And did you fake drunk? No, I didn't. I think, like you said, yourselves is that there was so much going on. And I obviously wasn't the center of attention. There was so many things for her to keep busy with that I was just kind of in the background and could easily slide through. So it worked. We almost had an absolute home run. I want to actually talk about the single.

It works. It's great. It worked. I mean, look, if it worked, it worked. That's all we want. We want to ring the bell. But real quick, now that we're going back and realizing that you didn't pull off the pitch we were very excited about, you filled it with water before the flight, you said?

I just want to hear that again. Makes no sense. I'm in Sheffield, and it was a three-hour drive to the airport in London. My wife said that it, A, wouldn't fit in the carry-on because there's the two of us and my daughter, and we only had two carry-ons. and she said it wouldn't work. So I wanted to prove her wrong. So by doing this, I wore it under a hoodie on my front,

filled it with water and was drinking it on the way down. And it leaked and went all over my trousers and I had to get new trousers before the flight. I got you. It's a wild way to pull it. I could listen to him say words that end in why or eat every moment. Well, look, my man, we appreciate it. It's a heck of a device you create.

I'm glad it worked. I do think this is a bell ring, but it wasn't because of us. I agree. And before I ring it, was the Whiskey Monkey Shoulder? It was, yes. Because they ended up sending us a bunch of that. So we should say thank you to Monkey Shoulder, especially now that you're in the chimp business.

But I'm going to ring the bell. Brad, we appreciate you, buddy. Thank you. Thank you very much. Way to go, Red. Thank you. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at

Helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash Here to Help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Seams song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike.

Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HeadGum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan.

And we host the podcast, That Was Us, Now on HeadGum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit.

Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday.