We're Here to Help - 285: Martin, We Can Hear You & The Noon Raccoon (with Jessy Hodges)

Episode Date: April 29, 2026

The guys are joined by guest helper Jessy Hodges to solve a problem in Community Band. Then, they call animal control on an over-eager lunch eater.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, here's stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room,

and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to the Hacks podcast on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts. We've got a fun episode today with a dear friend of mine. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show, Jesse Hodges. Oh, I could not be happier to be here. Jesse, we already did our calls. You crushed it.

We're doing this after the time. Great work. Great work. Really fun calls. Yeah. I love those calls. Miss Hodges, here's what I want to ask you about. You and I are on a television show coming out May 20th on Apple called Maximum Pleasure

guaranteed. The great David Gordon Green directed the pilot. The great David Rosa wrote it and crushed it. Would you tell this audience a little bit about the show, what you like about it, what the whole guy, why people should tune in to Apple to watch our show? We're going to

start doing press together soon, but this is an unofficial kickoff. Oh, man. I mean, it's going to be easy because I love this show. Yeah. I love what I've seen. I loved making it. It's like a very propulsive thriller that's got some funny stuff in it.

And it's so, I don't know if this makes me sound old to say it, but it's so stylish. Like David Gordon Green's directing is sexy. Totally. It's got a point of view. Tatiana Maslani is the lead. She's incredible. Such a talented person. She's such a talented person.

Jake's okay. He did okay. That's nice. You and me are there kicking dirt. It's about a lady who's going through a divorce and a custody situation with me and Jake, basically. We play the new couple. We play the new couple. And she sort of gets involved, gets like pulled into this underworld of sex and crime that she doesn't know how to get out of.

It's really good. You're great in it. a lot of fun. Thanks. So are you. I really, really love it. I really love it.

Me too. And then you and I became pretty good buds in New York, didn't we? We became... We really did. A lot of debates. A lot of debates.

I did feel... Well, what does that mean, Jake? Well, Jesse, in my opinion, Gareth, is a button pusher. Gosh, it likes a button.

Comes up in the episode a little bit. fully denies it. Oh my God. Remember when I called Jesse a wet sandwich? Yes. Do you want to know where that comes from? Sure. Because we think she's just a regular old plain Jane.

She's like, who me? I'm just the most regular plain Jane there is. I'm just a peanut butter and jelly. She's like, I'm just a regular old thing. Everybody else is so crazy. And so you start thinking around her, well, she's a regular plain Jane. must be insane, but when I'm around her, the nights are insane. These conversations are crazy.

The behavior seems wild. And then you go, I know the thing. You're not a plain Jane. You're a sandwich that seems normal, but it was like dipped in sauces. It's like one of those like, you know, those sandwiches where they're like, then we take the sandwich and we dip it in like the meat stock. We deep fry it. And you go, it's delicious.

But that's not a regular old sandwich. It looks like a sandwich. but it's been dipped in meat stock. I think Jake was not anticipating the amount of pushback he was going to get from me every step of the way. I think that's fair. And Gary, I'm talking about, hey, Jesse, nice to meet you, pushback. Fuck you.

Yeah, I bet it's nice to meet me. I bet. You're like, hey, I'm really excited you're in it. Why? What have you seen that I've been in? Huh? You said you're a fan. What have you seen?

No, that I would never do. I wouldn't do that. No, I did not. On one of our walks, you said, you told me you were excited I was in it. Why? What have you seen? You told me you didn't watch Barry. So what did you see?

And I went like. Jake, did I, I don't think. If I did that, I did that into the friendship at least. That was deep into the friendship. Smart to do it on a lot, though. Into the friendship. Yeah. That's good.

Yeah, we just, you know, we got along. so well that we did not get along very well. If that happens. Yeah. And then Jesse did another thing to me that's never happened in the history of my life. First of I need to be very clear. I adore you, Jesse.

You know that. I love you so much. You instantly became one of my favorite humans on planet Earth. Made that show so unthinkably fun. You're so talented. It was great to work with me. All of that goes without saying.

Okay. Thanks. Let me kick this sandwich a little bit. Sure. Gareth, I did something so sweet. Oh, God. When we wrapped, I decided to get her a wrap gift. Sure.

So I made a shirt, like a custom little sweatshirt. We had lunch at some Chinese place. Some strange place Jake chose in Glendale. Eric took him. Eric did take me first. And the first thing she said is, every time I go out with you, you're taking me to another Chinese place.

Do you eat anything besides Chinese food? We went to Jamaica, Queens. Where were we in Flushing or Jamaica? We were in Flushing. We went to Flushing, went to a great Chinese place there. We went to a Chinese place in Williamsburg. We went to... That is interesting.

I didn't know that he was... This is Eric... Eric's influence. This is a whole... I could get started on a whole other tangent about the Chinese food diet, but... Yeah, but that's all Eric's influence. on me. I've little

brothered that. But so I go, here you go sweet Jessie, I just want to say, what a wonderful time we had and I got you a gift. Yeah. I got her a little funny sweatshirt of an inside joke we had. Okay.

Do you remember your response, Jesse? I think it was something to the effect of you got me a piece of trash I need to throw away now. Oh. It was something like that. No, what was the...

I guess you can't you give context if you could, but... Well, you can't. I will. I'm going to give some context. Yeah. So, isn't so Joe? Could be a piece of trash. I can throw away.

Is that what I said? I think so. Is the craziest response receiving a gift in the history of receiving gifts? Gareth, just wait. Oh, thank you for a piece of trash I can throw away. Yeah, I think, Jesse, go ahead. Can you tell that there's more to this story?

Always. You tell those, yeah. Always. He hit you with the, he dropped the nuke, and now he's like, let's talk about how he got here. Right, right. So this inside joke. This is important to your case. It's about three to four sentences long in the middle of a sweatshirt.

It's a lot of text. Yeah. It involves a mega A-list celebrity who I happen to be friends. friends with. It's bizarrely kind of sexual like there are

adjectives. Jake, your argument is crumbling. Keep going. She's a good lawyer. You don't feel good about. And then, I mean, does it say your name? Yeah, well, it's like your name shortened.

Oh, J. Chimp. It says J. Chimp. Right. Which is how he refers to himself. And All right. It's just all around something that I don't feel comfortable wearing out. It's a lot. It was a lot.

But, you know, let me just say. Let me just say. Would I say you gave me trash to just anyone? No. If I didn't like the person, I would say thank you so much. This is so thoughtful. I really appreciate it. I love Jake so much.

I got the truth. That I said, how dare you? This gift is. disgusting. That's big. And Jesse, that is why I love you. Jesse wins. Yeah, Jesse wins.

I love you too. By the way, what have you done with the sweatshirt? Did you throw it away or do you still have it? No, I still have it. It's on a top shelf in my closet. But I did have the thought that I could cut out the text, maybe put it in a little frame as like one of the many little pieces of weird shit I have in my office. Jake, thoughts on the...

Okay, there we go. Okay, I wasn't sure how that was going to go. Because if someone cuts your sweater apart, that's a move. But if they're framing it. At one point, if you ever go to an art class, we had a smock. At one point, that was a businessman shirt. That's right. That's right.

What a time you just took me back to. We'd wear some adult accountant's shirt backwards and be like, let's paint your rats. Smock. Smock. That's crazy. I forgot about that. Everybody check out our show on Hulu. drops a day early and there's also back catalog episode.

That's right. So we're here to help is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. It's just join us. Let's go. This episode is brought to you by Casper Mattresses. People always say you spend a third of your time of sleep.

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even those who are impossible to please. So find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com, booking dot, yeah. Book today on site or in the app. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Listen, go to Squarespace.com. This is where it's all happening, guys. I've been working with Squarespace for a long, long time.

They just really help you kind of build up your business. Because it's an all-in-one website design place. It's a website where you design websites, but it doesn't just help you with websites. It helps you pick the right name. It helps you scale up your business. You can show off what you're doing professionally. Get people there, get you paid all in one place. Like I said, I've worked with Squarespace for a long time.

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And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Hello. Hello. How are you? What a soothing start to this. Call your voices. It's very nice. Wow.

Thank you so much. I am doing great. I'm so excited to be here. How are you guys? Are great. Great. Can we get your name, please? Yeah, my name is Megan.

Megan, where are you calling from, Megan? I'm calling from Columbus, Ohio. You ever go by Meg? No, but you can do that. This feels weird now. Not right. Not right. So Megan from Columbus, Ohio, you obviously have the G-Man.

G-Manreth Reynolds. Give a shout-out, G-G-Man. Hello there, Meg. Pleasure, as always. Hey, Megan, I just test us. at the Meg thing, don't love it either. It wasn't quite worth. Yeah, it's just not right for some reason.

It feels bad. But we're a special guest. From the show, I just did the Apple show that's coming out May 20th called Maximum. Pleasure Guaranteed. This woman plays my new wife on the show, and boy, did we become friends, didn't we, Jesse Hodges. Oh, God, we really did. We really did. We spent a lot of time together.

We spent too much time together. Too much time. And so Jesse Hodges is here. She's very smart. Some would describe her if she was a food as a wet sandwich. Oy. Interesting. Yeah.

I take quickly, does she know about the Moped event? That was on that show, wasn't it? Yeah. Oh, when I lost my phone, Jesse, and ended up probably running around and then driving somebody scooter. Yeah, I thought you were going to say when you lost your mind, but either one. Megan. We are now about you.

Can you tell us the problem today? Okay. So a little bit of setup here for you. I am in a community band group. So there are like over a hundred of us playing, you know, your classic high school band instruments. And it's a really good time. I really enjoy it. People are easy to get along with.

They're also musicians. So everything is great. except for the problem that I'm calling in for today, which is that when we are playing the music, there are like multiple people who sit around me that will count the rests out loud while we're playing. And it's really distracting because you can hear them counting out loud. Sometimes they're not counting correctly.

And it's just really challenging to kind of keep up with while you're hearing all these people like whisper yell counts around you. So my problem is, how can I get them to stop counting the rest out loud while we play music? Oh. This is the perfect thing for me to be here for. Thank God. Oh, that's great. Thank God.

This is, okay, so have you spoken to the band director about it? I haven't. I don't know if he knows that it's happening because there are. so many people, and I don't know if he can hear it from where he stands. So I haven't tried that yet. My sister has a doctorate in choral conducting. This is what she does for a living. And she would want to know if people in her choir or band were doing this.

And I don't, this cannot be proper conduct, you know. I have a question before you get in the weeds here with a doctor. Same question. Go for it. What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening?

Garrett and I are a little bit dumber. What does this mean? A band of a hundred people playing high school instruments? A band's five people. If it's a hippie band, nine tops. And three of them are just in bongos. The show is just, there needs to be a window for one of us to go,

this is really stupid. Yeah, like, look, here's the reality. You and Jesse are in the master class right now. Yeah. Now I need you to go to the guys who are hanging outside smoking and not in class and going, huh? So what does this mean? You're in a band with 100 people? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you. Okay. Are you with you? Sorry, I am. Jake, Jake, I think you let her off too easy. I mean, in my head we were just about to be a band is three to five people. Topps.

You guys have never seen a high school band. I mean, I know Megam are not in high school. Like the marching band? Could be? So that's why I said high school instruments. I was trying to help you guys out. Thank you. Think back to when you were in high school, maybe skipping class or doing whatever.

I'll think back to all five years of them. Okay. Perfect. So, yeah, it could be, if you're thinking marching band, think that, but then take the marching out of it. So it's like that many people, but we're all sitting inside. And like, what are you doing it for? They're not much room. What's the event?

Like, just for fun. Fun, Garret. We have concerts a few times a year. How much money they're making, though? Where's the cheddar? But Megan, is there like 10 guitar players? Are you talking about? No, no, there's no guitar.

There's no guitar in band. We're talking trumpets. We're talking trombone. We're talking tubas. We're talking percussion. It's all brass, right? Are there even any woodwinds? Are there clarinets?

Yes. Yes, I am a clarinet. That's what I was going to. You're a clarinet. I used to play the obo. Yeah. I was not good. Of course you played the oboe.

It's a very difficult instrument. You're a very, you're an obo. That's your new nickname. For those of us who don't know what an oboe is. Just look at Jesse. You know what? If you don't know what a obo is, Google Jesse Hodges. It's so rude, but somehow...

A compliment. Feels like a compliment. Yeah. My real sister, I think Jesse Hodges looks like my sister. Okay. That was a weird distinction until you cleaned it. My real sister. Dan and I came to New York and we all hung together.

And when we were hanging out, it did look like three siblings. Right. She played the elbow, too. No way. I swear to God. What? What? You swear to God.

have a better grasp of all this. I should be the one completely lost, but he said we're both are. Garrett, you never played an instrument in high school? I mean, you heard I masturbated in the car once. That was it. I, uh,

that's an off-air callback. Hey. Oh, hey. I can't remember. It's going to be one of those days. We haven't recorded it in a while. Okay. So I get the band set up.

And the issue is that people, are counting in a distracting way. Megan, I think you should do a little, can you, because I think I know what you're talking about, but can you show Jake, or can you, can you set a show sound out, what you're talking about? Like, give them an example. Yeah, for sure. So I didn't include this. I was trying to keep it concise, but I'm happy to elaborate.

So when you're playing these sorts of like pieces, as a band with so many people, sometimes your instrument or like a few different instruments that at the time has like kind of a long period where you're not playing, right? So these might be like eight measures of rest, for example, where, you know, you're supposed to count these measures of rest in your head. So it's insane that somebody sit next to you doing their count.

Yes. You're like, asshole, I'm working on my flute right now. now, I'm fucking jamming out and I got to hear your dumb ass say three, four, five. You know what? You know what? It's the equivalent of, in our industry, the equivalent is mouthing someone else's lines while they're talking. I'm just going to say that, right?

That's what it is. Which is one of my favorite things to notice. Yeah. Like if you ever watch a play and someone's like, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Yeah. It's, it's, yeah. The rest of it is, at least they know the lines. Sounds like we got a... Sounds like we got a line mouth over here. As opposed to... Austin, seeing what happens, kind of hard. Okay, so...

Well, I don't want to, you know, take charge here. No, go ahead. You're doing great. I just think you've got to tell the conductor. And this is his or her problem. Right? Well, the reason you're calling a show like this is because it's our problem.

Right. And so, Mags, what have you already done? Honestly, not really much of anything other than try to ignore it, but I kind of can't ignore it. Okay. It's getting out of control. And this group is a just-for-fun league of adults who, what, you guys do it on like a regular, like a Wednesday night? How many days a week? I want to know the stakes of things and the vibe. Okay. Yeah. So once a week, we get. together to rehearse and then we do concerts a few times a year. It's just for fun. The stakes are low. People are anywhere from like in their 20s to in their 80s. Like it's a whole vibe. And it is open to anyone. So no audition. You can just come play. And honestly, there are so many of us that we can't accept new people because we don't have more space. So we're really crowded as well. So people

are like right next to you. So you can hear everything. This is so cute. Yeah. And what percentage of people are, what do we call it? Counting, mouth counting? Is there a term for this kind of behavior? Counting out loud.

Yeah. Yeah, counting out loud. Okay, so the issue is there's what percentage of, you got about 100 people in the band you said? Yeah. So how many people are C-O-Ellen? I can hear probably three or four just right around me, but that I don't know, there could be others on the other side of the band, too.

So we're talking about 10%? Could be more. Maybe, I hate to say it. That are bothering you. Can I ask a question? Are they other clarinetists or are they in other sections? Other sections? It's both.

there are a couple of them or other clarinetas. But can I jump in, Megan? Because she asked that like it was a really smart question. What? You think it's like just clarinetists are counting? Well, okay. So if it's, you have a little bit more to say within your own section versus. Uh, it was a smart question.

Am I right in that, Megan? Like you guys could kind of get together as clarinetists and be like, this is, this is our new game plan as opposed to like, you're not telling Trump it's what to do. Am I right? Yeah, so you are right, but part of my problem, though, is that there are people, even within the clarinet section that I have no clue who they are. I don't even know their names. It would be kind of weird for me to be like, hey. How many are in the clarinet section?

There are probably, like, between 15 and 20 of us. Oh, my. God, that's a lot of clarinets. Too many clarinets. It's pretty wild. We don't know anything, and that's way too many. I mean, I think three or four is fair. I would say, as Gareth, without knowing anything, I'd say five tops.

Five tops. Totally. But that's not what this calls about. Gareth, really fast. Your first pitch, get us started. How do we get Megan out of this? Because I'll tell you what the pitch isn't going to be, even though Jesse, I think you're right. Sorry.

Talk to the conductor. Yeah. I'll tell you why. I realized when I said it. If that could have been the move, she would have done that. Is that true, Megan, or no? You know, I'm not opposed to it, but I don't know if it will solve the problem because he tries to keep it really casual since it's just a community band. Right.

I don't know how much he is going to, I don't know if he would address the band for this. This is anarchy. This is anarchy. This is anarchy. Yeah. This is anarchy. Because you can't just keep inviting every, I mean, again, I'm not even saying you need to have an audition. But someone needs to be in charge.

I mean, it is him. But I agree. No one's going to be. I agree. So then Jake, figure out how to do this. Listen, the only way to show the error of the mouth counter ways is to become a louder mouth counter. Oh. I feared you would say this.

But Meg, I know, Megan, I know you fear it. But the only, I mean, there are other pitches. But you need to show the error of the ways by distracting the others to say, hey, you like mouth. counting? A beat off. Yeah. Or even just if you're loud and you're doing what they're doing to you. How about this? Gareth and Jesse, will you guys create a, and Megan, you guys too, you guys create a normal beat and I'm going to give a pitch of what I would recommend doing it.

So do they one through four or one through eight count whatever you do? I'm going to leave that to Jesse and Megan. Okay. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Four. One, two. Wait, I don't understand what I'm doing. So you're, Megan, you're with Jesse creating the count.

Do you like that count I just did? Oh, got it. You're the, you're the pro, so I can also follow you. No, that was great. That was great. I'm going to do what I think you should do. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Three, two, one. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. It's off as is. This is a thing that happens. on Zoom. Yeah. This is why you can't do music practice on Zoom.

Really? I think we had it though, Jesse. This happened with, no, this happened with the Judapito call with the woman who called in the singer was like. Don't cry for me, Argentina. I remember that. In the end, a lot of people wrote it and they were like, you guys are mad at her. It's a Zoom thing, you idiots.

Yes. What is that thing? Zoom won't let you connect musically for some crazy reason. There's a minor delay, I guess. There's a deal. You cannot count and sing. Have you ever tried to sing happy birthday on Zoom? No.

You can't do it. You guys didn't do that during the pandemic? No. And realize everyone like it was all really weird. No. So what happened? You just as different. Go ahead, Gera.

I just went to like three Zoom parties. Like I would get drunk with a friend of mine on Zoom. But any time I was in like you want to go to another room, I was like, I can't do this. Want to do a happy hour? I was like, no. I was like, no. I'm over here doing full Passover satyrs on Zoom, and you should hear what that sounds like.

So, Megan, going to you for a second. The loud counter is interesting. I'm going to give another pitch that's in the same category, but I need a question beforehand. Are you looking for friends with these people? Are you just doing it to play? I don't think that I want to alienate people. Like, I don't want to become the weird one by involving this problem.

That's tough. That's tough. My pitch was going to be the weird one and just literally yell, shut up, stop counting. Yeah. Everybody gets tense and you go, I can't think straight. And everyone goes, whoa. But everybody will stop counting. But you don't want to do that.

I don't think so. Okay. Moving on. Are people reading off of music at this? Yes, right? Yes. Okay. I got a pitch.

Please. Is the sheet music going to be placed there when people walk into the room? No, they already have it in their folders, but it's another clarinet player who assembles all of the folders, like at the start of the season. So if you're thinking something about editing, like the music itself, I might have an in. I'm not thinking about that. I'm thinking on the sheet music put in a couple sheets that say no mouth counting. On big pieces of paper. That is a good idea.

In the music. So that on the top it says, please no mouth counting. Yeah. Or they just go, they like turn the page. And when it's not clarinet time, they see a big piece of paper that's been snuck in that says no mouth counting. Oh, how about this? What if, go ahead, Jesse. Okay, wait, I have a thought too.

Okay. So what if we pretend? So what we're trying to do, we're trying to not alienate people. we're trying to not hurt people's feelings. So we're just going to pretend mouth counting as normal. Because also when you're first learning an instrument, maybe it is when you're like seven years old. So what if you make that not the problem?

You go, guys, this is a huge band. And it's so echoy in here. Normally, mouth counting, totally fine. But in here, it just creates too much noise. too much sound. Do we all agree? So you're kind of making the problem outside of the

you're going, this is something that's happening to us. I think there's something interesting there. What about also something like this and this would cost you a teeny bit of money? You make pins and the pins say one, I will play my hardest. Two, I will be a good band

member, three, I will try not to mouth count. Four have fun. So that you don't seem like a psycho. Four, I will have fun. Five, rinse and repeat. And as a fun thing, you make those and you hand them and then be like, I and the top of it go like, I am a member of the community band. Yay.

So like those are like the fun codes. And in there's buried, people have to go like, yeah, I'm mouth count. Yeah. I'm trying my hardest not to. I'm not in trouble, but I'm going to try to play hard. I'm going to try to play hard. I'm going to try to play hard. You could do the little acronym.

You could do band and you could do B, A, N. And then the last one is don't mouth count. Yes. Don't count. Don't count out loud. I don't count out loud. Don't count out loud. Again, you are more than welcome to clean up our terminology.

Be a good sport. Hold on. Always have fun. Hold on. That's so good. What's N? And? Never.

Never complain or, no. Well, I like, be a good sport. Always have fun. Never. Never take it too seriously. Never count out loud. Never count out loud. Wait, that's so funny, actually.

Never count out loud. Don't count out loud. By the way, that is so. I think it might need to be repeated. And you make these pins for everyone? This is a great idea, Jake. Yeah, because if you do the... Thanks, Jesse.

Mm-hmm. I never thought I'd say it. Something Jake's never heard from Jesse. Do you realize I got thrown there? Yeah, it was... I don't think I've ever seen you actually be tossed that heart. And you were like, well, the thing... Well, God, Jesse, thank you.

I thought what you was going to say is this, like, wow, that's like from a really stupid person. Like, fine, but what really worked was the band thing I came up with. Well, you could also, I think if we replayed it, you would hear the shock could be a little. I don't want to say insulting, but wow. Jay! That was something helpful. He's usually just a little too extreme for me, but this, I think, is really good.

What is that? The name of my autobiography? He's usually a little too extreme for me. In other quotes. Megan, what do you think? about the pin that says like on the top I'm a member of the community, whatever it's called, and then band, be a good sport. A, always have fun. N, never count out loud. D, don't count out loud. You know, so it's funny but fun and everybody gets one. Yeah. I think that this could be a good

idea because most of the people do not count out loud and like are more serious musicians. So I think when those people receive the pins, they're like, wait, what? Like people are doing this. Then I can maybe win other people. Yes. People are going to be on your side for sure. In a hundred person band, I'll bet you other people are dealing with this too and you just don't notice. Yes.

But they'll also all think it's really funny. Yeah. It is funny at the end. To do it twice is funny. then if somebody does count, all you've got to do then is smile and point to your pin. Or hand them a pin. Yeah. And then they go.

Or put a pin in their seat next time. Because then it's not being mean. It's saying, hey, N and D, babe. Yeah. Yeah. Baby N and D. Okay. And if somebody's, if it's an 80-year-old and they're like, I'm lost, you go, count out loud.

But you know what the pin's about. You know what we're trying to do? here, babe. We don't always pull it off but what we're trying to do. I don't know why we had to bring it a sad 80-year-old. I mean, Jesus.

You kind of lost me on that one, but that's... So what would, Jesse, what would you do to the 80-year-old who's counting? Help. To the 80-year-old who's counting out loud? Yeah. One, two, three. Hand them the fucking pin.

One, two. I can't read words, just music. Well, you can't do it quietly either, pal. You go, Martin, we can hear you. We can hear you. I have nothing but this. Martin, we can hear you. This is it. Everyone can hear you. By the way, title, Martin, we can hear you. But I think that the pin is so good because it's not, it's not passive aggressive. It's just like, it's just funny because it's, here's what it's saying to me. It's saying, you know what, we have a collective problem. Yeah. Exactly. This is something.

for all of us to take care of. And you could even be, if you wanted to be like self-effacing or whatever, you could be like, you know what, I count out loud sometimes. I know you don't, Megan. But you could say that. Do we want, I feel like we don't want Megan attached to this movement. Do we, how are we going to get these into the community? And my thinking is you buy them, Megan, which they don't cost a lot, and you put them on

like a table for when people want. walk in as sort of a new thing. As a gift. You know, I'm thinking about it, and I have a friend who used to be a part of the band, but then it actually got too big, and she tried to rejoin it for this upcoming concert and was told she couldn't. So I'm wondering if maybe I could get that friend to show up with the pins as a little, hey, miss you gift, and then she's not in the band right now, so then she just leaves,

and then people have pins. So it could be workable. I like that. I do too. I also don't think it's a big deal if you get these pins. It's a nice thing. I don't either. You're being funny.

It's saying, but it's just saying like, I just want to do something for the community. You don't need to wear a pin, but I thought it would be fun if we all had a pin. It's likable. You can all wear it to practice together. And if somebody doesn't want to, they don't have to, but you're like, so one of the things you do is like, Wednesday night, honey. My name's Martin. going to go to the thing. I got to get my pin on. Fun.

And I don't know if Jake's going to think I'm going too far again, but you don't have to tell anybody that you wrote the text on the pin. You could be like, I was looking at fun band pins. Oh, I love this. This is a band problem. This I love. Yeah. I saw these on Etsy.

I saw these on Etsy. Yes. So it's not about the community thing. It's just a funny I love my band Yeah B, A, and D Yeah, band is the best

Yes, totally That's really funny And so then make the font Feel 80s Yes, me too Yes Uh huh Yeah, make it feel

80s or 90s where you're like You found these vintage pins Ooh vintage Vintage, that's a good idea And, you know, they're cool. You just got a bunch of them if anybody wants them. Yeah, well, they don't sell one pin. You got to buy 50.

No. So I just have these pins if anybody wants them. I just thought they were cute. Also, so true. Also, so true, right? But also just so true. I've never seen a truer pin. I mean, it's like so true.

I had to buy 200. I've never seen such a true pin. I just bought 200 and put them on everyone's seat. because it's like such a commandment. Yeah. It's such a funny bit. It's so funny. Like, it's really late.

And then the last two are like really important. It's distracted. I think this is. It's fundamental. Megan, you're going to do this? Yeah. You going to do this? I think that I might do some research into obtaining said pins.

Great. It's not going to be that hard. You're not going to be. Yeah. This is not going to be that hard. about what if what if I got some pins like a few different designs like what if some of them were maybe more normal like people make like little hearts out of music shapes or whatever it's pretty yeah but like there's some of that and then yeah like there's a collection and then only some of them are the never I think that's great you've got some that are like I love my bandmates like band is everything yeah oh by the word count out loud. And you know what you do? You give a gift to the band before the next performance.

Oh, my God. And it's like, I'm just so excited. You don't have to wear it, no pressure, but, you know, I just wanted to make, I just wanted to get everything. One of them just goes like, clarinets have the biggest reads. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's. The trumpet players know how to blow. Yeah. Chorus never bore us. And then like to certain people just like Don't count out loud Yeah But don't count out loud

It's a randomized handing out It's randomized but there's 70% of them Are the don't count out loud There's just some other funny ones Yeah But I'm talking 70 to 80% are the same pin But there's a few select other ones that are random

But most people Don't go like 30% on the don't count Don't get lost in the sauce here. Yeah, yeah. We have a message. Okay, we've got to get the message out. Yeah, you make your message known. 75 to 80% don't count out loud.

So two of them are just like, band is fun. I love band. Don't count out loud. Never count out loud. And then a few of them are like weird and sexual. Maybe. I might have to boycott that one. I agree. I support you, Megan.

I support you. I think that was a bad idea. The 80-year-old. I apologize. I shouldn't have suggested that, yeah, trumpets were blowjabs. I apologize. Megan, follow up with this, please. Yes, we want to see the pants.

And we want to hear about this. Good luck, Megan. Excellent. Thank you guys. Don't blow this. That could be one of the people. Okay, I'll try not. By the way, that can be.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. Don't blow all this. Cannot believe the talk? A great last minute edition right there, Garrett. Did not think that was how this would end. Thank you very much, Megan. Amazing.

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I'm here to help. So all I do these days I wear black shirt and black pants. I started to dress like a stage manager at a theater for some reason. These days, it's a hilarious thing to say. But here's the thing about questions to give a shout out. They sent us, Gareth, you and I, I don't know if they send them to you, Stevie. They should. They really should.

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Hello. Hello. Hey. How you doing? Hello. Hello. Good. Quick at your name, please. My name is Grant.

I'm 30. I'm from South Carolina. Grant, 30, South Carolina. You got me and the G-Man, of course. Hey, Grant. Hey. And then you got my friend Jesse Hodges, who stars in the new show that's coming out on Apple

called Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed. She's great. Hey. Hey, how's going to love this show if you have Apple. By the way, do you have Apple? Just curious about what's trying to do. I will get it for this show because now we are friends. Oh, thanks.

Do a free trial. See how it works for you. Yeah, but wait until May 20th. That's when we come on. Okay. Grant, what's up, buddy? Okay, so I kind of have this problem where I can't stop eating my lunch. That's not a problem, brother.

It's called lunch, ma'am. It's called lunch. I got this other problem. I can't stop going to the bathroom once a day. It's good, my mom. Just do it. Can't stop drinking my water. I did this other crazy thing at night.

I lay down with a blanket on me, and my eyes closed for like six to nine hours. I go to a weird spot. I don't tell anyone about it. I have visions, man. I have visions, see? What's the problem with your lunch? What's the problem with this lunch?

Okay, okay. So, I guess, okay, my problem started about two months ago. I decided to start packing my lunch and bringing it to work. Great idea. Back to hell, I agree. Save money, but also, like, eat better, like, food. Totally. So, but I can't manage to get to lunch.

Like, I can't manage to make it to lunchtime. Oh, you're snacking like an animal. Oh. Yeah. You're grazing, brother. You have a lot of, you have, you have food noise. You know what that is? No.

No. No. It's when you can. can't stop thinking about food. When you go on a GLP 1, like OZMBIC or whatever, it cuts out the food noise in your head that's going like, I want to eat, I want to eat, I want to eat, I want to eat, I want to eat, yeah. Huh. So are you eating your lunch before lunch? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, it used to be that I would bring my lunch, like it started off, I would bring it and put it in the work fridge. Sure. And then I just go get it at like 11 and eat it. What time's lunch?

What time you're getting into work? What time's lunch? Okay. I get there at 8.30. Lunch would preferably be 12. But it's just I'm getting worse. It's like I started at 11. I'd go get it.

Now I'm not taking it to the fridge. I just put it on my desk and eat it. And sometimes I just eat it on the way to work. Hey, Jesse. Remember how the first one you said this was a perfect call for you? Yeah. This is also a perfect call for you. I know.

I know. Grant, I also love to eat and I eat about every 30 minutes. We, Jesse and I hung out a ton in New York. We, since we've been home, we took a hike. She'll have a little power bar in the car. She'll have like a pull of a banana out of her bag pocket in the middle of the hike. Not a lot, but she's just constantly grazing. I keep cashews in my pocket.

Wow. In a bag? No. I hope so. Okay. Loose. Loose. Just loose shoes?

Loose. I'm honestly shocked. I don't have something to reach for right now to show you. Wait, so Grant, so, okay, I feel like I said the food noise thing, and I want to apologize for that because I don't know that that's what's going on here. And I was jumping to conclusions because maybe you got to pack yourself some snacks. Are you hungry? You need to eat in between breakfast and lunch.

This is such a mom response, and this I do not think is right. He's hungry. I eat the snacks. I eat the snacks. I plow through the snacks. What's wrong with eating the snacks? You need to eat the snacks. Jesse, stop being such a mom in Long Island right now.

Well, I, hold on. Jesse might not be wrong. But Grant needs to eat the snacks. And then the after lunch snacks. And then the after work snacks. Grant, what's the goal here? What are you going for? Are you trying to lose weight?

And that's why you're grazing is a problem? That's the question underneath the question. Yeah. What is the goal? So it's multi-part. I can't be eating the food that I'm eating and not get a strange look occasionally, but, like, also I haven't perfectly sized the lunch. Like, I even bring snacks knowing I'll snack on it. But I mean, like, whatever I bring, I just eat.

Grant, what was that first part? What was that first part? Something about the food you eat being weird? The things, right? Yeah. It's a full meal. It's like, you know, it's not light. What are you eating?

We must not. I need ideas. Okay. Like, one day I brought in like Easter leftovers, so I had Easter ham and like on a sandwich, full course meal, I had the mac and cheese. That sounds delicious. But that's not regular, right? You're not regularly coming in with. He doesn't eat Easter ham every day.

No, Gareth. He has it after Easter. It's called Easter leftovers. So, yes, the man eats big lunches. What? Why are we killing this man on having it eat? I just want to have a good lunch. I'll be honest.

Once he said he brought in Easter ham and bread, I started, things changed for me a little bit. But okay, I'll bet. Okay. Wait, can I ask me a couple? But I think I know what, hold on. I think this is a simple problem. And tell me if I'm wrong. More ham.

You bring a lunch. You would like to eat. eat it at lunch, like a regular person. You can't stop yourself and you eat it all throughout the day and then you have no lunch. So your simple question is, can you guys help me create weird things so that I don't eat my goddamn lunch before lunch? Yeah, but I think that's right. But I think what Jesse was pitching is why not just eat your lunch and bring more snacks?

I don't know. Bring another lunch. Bring a morning lunch. Call it breakfast. wanted to have 10 lunches, he would have 10 lunches. Bring some fucking celery and some goddamn, some stuff to crunch on. He's looking for control, not the fucking grazed all day. He doesn't have control, Jake.

He gives a GLP one. Grant, jump in. What do you want here? You want to be pitched to be eating all day? Do you want more snack ideas? We could also have Steve Berg call you and curate nine snacks every hour. Grant, you need to tell this team of people. right now specifically what you're looking for.

My tone is aggressive, but if I'm wrong, don't just listen to me. We want to hear from you. I am eating, I'm already eating the perfect amount of food. I just need to eat it later. How do I stop myself from eating my sack lunch too early? You get one of those boxes and you lock your lunch in it and you program it with, I don't know, your phone or your computer. something that you then can't unbri-

It's like a brick for your cell phone. But they have these. My sister, I'm talking about my sister again. She used to lock cookies in a box. So she couldn't get to them. The idea of trying to hack your lockbox for cookies is that a little bit. Yeah, exactly. And it'll unlock it.

Like, you can just set the time for it to unlock. If that's true, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard that they have. Yes, okay, I just Google this. Timer, locker, food containers, Grant. Great. Oh, my God. You put food in anything. You set a timer, kitchen safe, clear box with a digital timer.

Who's that? Whose safe is in the fridge? Someone put a safe in the fridge. So, man, now, look, it says the pros and cons to these, these little save timers, and it's a photo of a bunch of cookies in a container. And it says, it's popular. It's kitchen safe, you know, clear box. And he goes, pros, it's effective.

Removes Will Popper. It's good for you. Late night eating, it stops all that. Cons of it. You can technically just smash it open. There's another con if it's in a public space. I mean, right. I like the idea, though.

But also, this is what's so stupid about robots and AI. It has to write in Well, there is a con. Let me tell you, you can smash open your stupid little plastic The con is, thank you, you robot. It is true. I could take a hammer and smash it open

and eat my cookies. But that's also, at work, that's, you know, Grant, you okay? As he's hammering through his cookies saying, I'm trying to get my Easter ham. Give me my ham. Give me my ham. That's what happened if a Hurricane Steve

I had these, brother, I wanted my ham, my vegan ham. We got to get into this thing. But then you'd have to buy another one. Just to get those little sweet treats. So at least money's on the line. You should get a top-notch one. You should get an expensive one. Grant, what do you think about?

You don't want to bust that. Getting a little safekeeping thing that you keep and you put it in there. And when coworkers ask, you're honest, you go, I'm having a willpower. I'm having a willpower problem. I, I, I, I can, I can probably take that social hit. But can, can, can, can, I mean, is it that easy? No, you can't.

No. It would look really weird. But, but, Grant, it's at that level where you, you think you will smash into your, your sandwich safe at work? It's only a matter of time, yeah. I get there. Now I'm back to the food noise thing. Then I'm worried about it controlling your life.

Okay, now I feel bad. Do you have a friend at work? I don't mean to sound, you know, depressing. But is there someone your friends with at work that you're sharing this problem with? No, this is uniquely mine. But there's someone, is there someone at work that you're social with that's a buddy? Like an accountability buddy. Yeah, I can get one of those.

I think you're going to give that person you're safe. I think you're going to put your safe in, like, a travel pack with a couple of ice packs, and that person is going to keep your food safe under their desk. So there are two ports of call before you could break into that. You're going to have to beat up your friend to break into your safe. Okay. I think they could work. Yeah.

I mean, not, yeah. Yeah, I can get a person to assist thing. Sounds. Don't sound happy about it. It's a lot of fucking, there is going to be some shame in this, I guess. There's going to be some what? There's no real power that.

Hold on. Hold on. I wouldn't go to the other person. I don't agree with this. You're not going to break into the goddamn safe. You're not a fucking raccoon in a garbage can. You've got to relax a little bit. If you break into the safe,

call us back because you're an animal. And we got a bigger problem. you're just snacking because it's easy to snack. If you get a little safe for your food and you break into it, the first thing you need to do when you do that is you need to film yourself doing it, we are going to post it, and you need to apologize and say, I'm no 30-year-old man in South Carolina.

I'm a raccoon eating dumpster food. Because I'm a raccoon. Grant, what, what Jake is pitching, I think is right. And again, no pressure here. But if you sign a verbal contract with us that says, we're going to give you the food safe, you're going to put the food safe in your fridge. If you break into that, the next day it works.

The next day that you, if you do that, you're going to allow us to send you a raccoon costume and you're going to wear it to work the next day. And I'm going to tell you why this works, Grant. I don't love this grant. And I just want to make that clear. I don't love this. And I also want to tell. And I also want to tell.

the audience something, because I know what your comments are going to be. Yeah, we know. 100%. They're going to go, you were there, you're supposed to help. The uncle's in a bar. This is actually what Gareth and I would advise each other. If Gareth came to me and goes, hey, man, for real, it wouldn't be about food. But if he went, this was more probably back in the day, if he goes, the drinking is out

of control, man. And I'd go, what do you mean? And he goes, I'm starting at noon. And I fucked up a meeting yesterday. Or if I said the same in him, and I go like, You know, man, I started smoking weed in the morning, and I had an audition and I blew it. I can't stop. He would go, okay, let's make a deal.

If you smoke before 5 p.m., you need to let me film you go in in a diaper. I'm a little baby, and I can't stop smoking this because I love the taste of Miller light. And the guy who films it has free access. I did a thing with Berg where he lost a bet, and he had to have footage, which I'll only post if he allows. in my backyard. He has to jump up and down and wave his arms and go. What was the bet? I don't even remember.

I literally saw it about a month ago going through all photos where he goes, I'm a dunce, I'm a dunce, I'm a dunce. I feel like I've seen that. For like 15 seconds. So what that will do, Grant, is you'll go, dying for a bite of that Easter ham. And you'll go, I'll have to put a raccoon mask on and say I'm a little raccoon who's scavengers for food

because I have no self-control. I don't want the ham that bad. I agree. I mean, Jesse, you jump in and with some... Well, I want to... I'll tell you what Jesse's going to say. Maybe just snack more. You're a growing boy.

I will tell... In my head, yes, I'm going, this guy needs to snack more. But I have some thoughts on snacking, but I don't want to get us to up track. Okay. Grant, where are you, how do you feel about this raccoon thing? This, I'm a little concerned about the, the shame.

The raccoon thing would work. That sounds like my worst nightmare. Great. Yeah, it's not that serious. Like I just, it is there and I do want it. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's a very raccoon behavior.

Very raccoon behavior is right. Yeah. You're a raccoon. Grant, Grant, I, I, I think that if you start doing this, it'll start to become normal. So you just have to get through the 10-day, two-week phase, whatever it is, where you're having that issue. Now, to Jesse's point, to Jesse's point, what if you did bring yourself some cheat celery for the first week? So in these times when you're hungry, you can just fill that raccoon belly with some greens that are not going to taste good.

They're not going to be satisfying, but they are going to be. Exactly. Just basically that technique is called distract the record. I love celery. Yeah. And because also if like I don't know maybe works a little boring, maybe there's a little anxiety, maybe whatever. Like right now I'm holding a fidget toy.

And all I do is fidget with it all day long. So maybe you have a little bit of a compulsive thing happening. Hey, Garrett. Would he eat his? Hold on, Gareth. Are you getting a sense of what? my New York job was like with this woman now. I'm not going to jump into someone else's party.

And, you know, I think. But remember I went a little crazy in New York and then all the stuff? Well, there was somebody I was hanging out with all the time. She just pulls out little fidget toys all of a sudden. I've never seen her use a fidget toy before this moment. Look, I've got a lot of solutions. That's good. I have problems and I have solutions.

That's good. That's the name of your memoir. Oh, that's a good one. I've never seen you use a fidget toy until the second. Now I've seen it three times in a minute. I think it's a sponsor. Am I completely off? Am I completely off?

Like, is it a little bit of like a compulsive, anxious thing? You would probably be more than bored because I'm working. Like I can take calls and do tons stuff. Total misdustre at the same time. No, I mean, like, maybe stress, maybe possibly stress, but also I'm just going to be eating. Yeah, he just likes it. Jesse feels like a misstep. You want to bring up that weird toy again,

the little rubic, gold rubik's cute. I'm all good. Look, I can recover. I wasn't right, but I got my toy to get through it. I've had it, girl. Now, okay, should we rubber to road this? Grant, are you going to get yourself a food safe?

Yes, I can do that. Are you going to do it? Because there's a hesitation there that I don't care for. Huh? No, does it fit in the fridge? Like, is it like Brick-Sty? Yeah, yeah.

It's not like a bank safe. You're not getting a vault. You can get on Amazon. It just looks like a container that you would put cookies in a little plastic container and at the top there's just like a little code. They're probably costing you under 20 bucks, buddy.

Okay, yeah. But Grant, here's the reality. I don't even think you need the goddamn safe and here's what I'm going to say. Here we go. Here we go. Here's why I'm going to say it. Do you agree that if you snack before noon,

you'll make a little raccoon video for us. If he snacks? Jesse. Okay. If you, no, if you eat your goddamn lunch. Now, if you bring another thing of snack, amen. This ain't a diet show, King. Do whatever the goddamn fuck you want, motherfucker.

Okay, Jay. The issue is you're bringing a bag lunch, you're eating it early. your bag lunch goes in the fridge If your little raccoon hands go in that bag And take one little bite of crumb of anything On that motherfucker piece of shit You owe us a video

That not even in an outfit That says, I'm a raccoon man I'm a raccoon man Make up a little dance Go put your hands in front of it And go these little grubby claws Reach into my bag lunch and eat before noon Because I'm no man

I'm a raccoon man We'll call you the noon raccoon The Noon Raccoon The Noon Raccoon And I think that video should be filmed at work By a co-worker I want to add some more stakes I don't think we need more stakes

Okay And I just say that because He's gonna get hungry I'm sorry I'll back I'll meet myself Come on You're right

Everybody's right Go ahead Jake you were cooking Sorry Grant I know me to make you salad Samud Grant I'm very comfortable Yeah I'm good

Will you agree to this Um God, it sounds like hell, so sure. Okay. So, Grant, that's what it takes, yeah. Do we have your word on your honor that this is real starting tomorrow? Yeah, it's a real starting tomorrow. Are you a man of your word?

Oh, God. I mean, Garrett and I made a bet where he almost had to get a tattoo of Brett Farb, saying MVP in a Minnesota Vikings jersey, and he was going to do it because he's a man of his word. So this is what we, would do in a bar as your friend, Grant. But if you're not a man of your word, we're wasting our time. All right.

Okay. Okay. So, Grant, what time do you want to say you wait and don't eat until then? You decide the time, not us. 12 o'clock. Okay. So are you allowed to bring snacks? Yes, but I feel like it has to be stinkly separate.

Okay. So you will have a bag of lunch. you will have another snack thing. They are separate. Don't get gray area with your bullshit and go, I was storing my snack in my lunch bag. Yeah, separate bags. I also leave a snack at work.

Okay, yes. Bring lunch. Exactly right. Whatever goes in that fridge is your lunch bag. Snacks are dry. Agree or disagree? Agreed. Yeah.

Okay. Are we on? Yeah, yeah. How long do you want this bet to go for? They don't have to do this indefinitely. You want to start tomorrow, April 14th, and go until May 14th and call us then? Yeah, I think that's good. I think that's long enough for me to hopefully not want to eat my lunch.

And you only work Monday through Friday, correct? Yep. So starting Tuesday, April 14th, going until May 14th, this is an end. official bet. Doesn't work on the weekends. If you win, we're going to send you a hat. You know what we'll do? If you win, we're going to send you one of these adopted chimp hats.

You'll get a free piece of merch. Right? So you get something. If you lose, you owe us a video, brother. And I'm going to tell you, we're going to post that video. We're going to talk about it a lot and we're going to laugh. It's going to get some. Grant.

It's going to get some traction, McKay. Grant, Jake's nickname has been rulebook for a while because you just saw what happens. Jake was being a little passive. Then he locked in at the end here. He's closed the deal. You know, and... If Grant signs. Grant, I can tell you that nothing feels better than proving Jake Johnson wrong.

So you can do this. and you're going to really enjoy it. Yeah. And because guess what, Grant? Thank you. I don't think you're going to pull it off, baby boy, you little raccoon. Oh, wow. With your grubby little raccoon claws.

Jake Lee Malone. Just get that little nose in the garbage, you little raccoon. Grant, dipping around like a rat. Grant, this is bullet-in-board material. I got two people right now in Thailand who are on my side. We have fans there, Jesse. Ugh. Yuck.

Not Thailand. You. Repulsed by the point. Do not say yuck to Thailand. It's a beautiful country. It's my favorite place I've ever visited. Delicious food. You.

So, Grant, we're on, brother. Game, all right. I'll go back. I love it. See it. I'm excited for you. Okay, bye. Oh, bye.

Okay. Love you. Love you. Love you. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at Helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com

slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie. Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, do stand up on the road, go to gareth-renalds. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

That was a hate gum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling Kay Brown. I'm Chris Sullivan, and we host the podcast. That was us now on HeadGum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive. Yeah. From our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Yeah. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. new episodes every Tuesday