We're Here to Help - 286: Gen-Hair Reveal & There Can Only Be One
Episode Date: May 4, 2026Gareth and Jake celebrate the demise of a hair system. Then, they use a Rocky montage to determine the one true Kacey. Plus, a follow-up from Ep 278 "The Real London."Want to call in? Email y...our question to helpfulpod@gmail.com.PATREON: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
This is a headgum podcast.
This is a headgum podcast.
Everybody.
It's been a minute, Gareth.
It has been.
It's like the process has changed.
The past couple months has been way less regular.
Agreed.
But you've been.
so busy. I mean, you've really been like,
it's been crazy. Old school Jake busy.
Agreed. And it hadn't been that way in a long time.
No. But last night was the end. I presented
Chris Miller and Phil Lord
an award at the city year banquet. And that was
the end. And then my kids came with me. And we had, they gave
us like a town car and I decided rather than go home, I was like,
because when I go out to dinner, I ripped a couple beers with my kids.
I was like, oh, I'm just viewing this now like a hangout night.
It was 9.30 at night, and they go,
could we get ice cream?
And I was like, I want that too, yeah?
You have such a better energy level maybe than I.
I don't know.
Like, that to me, I would be like, as soon as I can get home, I want to go home.
Well, I wanted to leave the event.
Uh-huh.
Still.
Still.
Yeah.
By the way, you throw a couple beers in.
I could probably make it.
That's what it was.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was like, you know, I could go home.
I'm tired.
And I was like, well, we could go get a nice dinner.
And then I was like, you know what, if we got sushi, I'm getting some Japanese beer.
Yeah, I started.
Let's party.
I started doing a joke about, I was in Wisconsin once, and I was at the airport bar, and I was closing out my tab.
And the bartender was like, do you want it to go cup?
And I was like, what?
She was like, do you want it to go cup for your wine?
And I was like, what do you mean?
And she's like, you can go walk around the airport with it.
Yes, I do.
I mean.
Wait, where was that?
Because that feels like Louisiana to me.
I think it was Madison.
Because I had that the first time when I was at New Orleans.
We did, when I did 21 Jump Street, I was ripping like a poor boy in some cocktail.
And I was trying to go fast.
And the waitress just goes, I'll give you a cup to go.
And I go, I'm going on the streets.
And she goes, totally legal here.
And I'm like, my next three days were a blur.
Oh, yeah.
When you realize, New Orleans rule is no glass.
That's the only, no glass.
Everything, just no glass.
Yeah, you're like, okay.
I just walk out with a cold beer.
But when you could just, when I could just walk around an airport or just, like, anywhere, if you, if we went back to, like, 1880 where it's like I could just kind of walk around us.
I wouldn't get hammered.
We would not abuse it.
Garrett, we both be dead.
We wouldn't survive the 1880s.
Oh, God.
I mean, we would be dead so bad.
Without question.
I will tell you, though, you know, you and I are men of a certain age and we go through a lot of phases.
The new phase that has been in the last multi years has been health-based.
We're not the guys we used to be, right?
Yes.
You have, you pour me a cold beer in a chilled glass.
I become timeless.
Now, what are you saying?
Once I taste that, I go like, oh, I've pretended I don't love this as much as I do.
That's what I was just about to say.
This is an everyday friend of mine.
What happens is I need to forget how good beer is, really.
Because when I'm out, I now will, like, have a tequila and soda, and it's not as fun.
No.
I'll go vodka soda for years.
A beer, and I will go.
But the problem is once I have the Midwest tongue, once one hits, I'm like, I could do 14 and quit work.
The second one halfway through the first one.
Yes.
And my daughter goes, no lapse.
She goes, you're not even done yet.
And I go like this, she had that's just not an issue right now.
And then I had to realize like, all right, I'm not with beer.
I'm with it.
I was like, all right.
You have to clamp it down too.
I need the, because you and I, when we did the, uh, we did the New York Times photo shoot thing.
Yes.
We drank, we were drinking beers and we were both getting the taste.
And we both
Ready to go.
You had to leave.
I had to leave.
But what we were both saying is
we're going to continue this party at home.
Yes.
And independently, but our break and I came back down to Earth.
And I was like, it's four o'clock.
You should not be housing beers.
But while I was riding high, I was like, I should go get four tall boys.
You know what?
We've said it before and I'm going to say it again.
And maybe this is advice to the audience.
too. I don't know. Maybe this is, you know what this is, Gareth? I'm now going to talk about something
you and I texted about and laughed. So the premise of our show is you go to a bar, you have a couple of
beers with your drunk uncles, and they give you advice. So the one thing I'm going to give advice
to right now, and I'm going to propose you and I do it, is let's find a time this summer. And maybe
it's closer to where you live, maybe it's closer to where I live.
I don't know yet.
Where we just have a work meeting where we're disgusting, the state affairs of the show.
Where we're disgusting?
As you can tell, my brain's already at the bar.
Let's have a work meeting where we sit down.
We're disgusting.
We're absolute beings.
By the way, once I said you and me, my friends.
brain said it's disgusting it's disgusting no one is so funny you couldn't even say disgusting without
letting it slip how horrible we will be if it's you and me alone in it but now the if it's late at
night we're really tired it won't be we'll have a couple no no no i'm talking about daylight four p.
yes where it's like how you doing i we both go good how's it that great what do you got tomorrow morning
nothing really perfect then we go yes you know what we got from four until 10 p.m yes from four
until five it's going to be, we're going to seem to be normal.
Then at five, you know what it should be, if there's like a fun game on, too, that we both want to see?
And then all of a sudden we're like, we're here from five until eight.
Well, I have like two months where I'm pretty much home.
So let's mayor June.
Let's do it.
Mayor June, I'm off work essentially.
Let's fucking go.
Let's fucking go.
Let's go.
You know what we could also do?
What?
You want to talk crazy?
Yeah.
Are the Cubs Brewers playing?
I'm sure they are.
Because we could actually...
The problem is I'm going to have to then pretend...
You have to do shows somewhere.
No, I'm going to have to pretend that I know what's going.
I don't watch baseball, so I'll have to...
Okay, that's fine.
Neither.
I'm going to watch the game this year.
But also, we could just do...
We could do it at a bar.
Yeah, that's what I think.
Let's do that.
And then we don't have to fake it at all.
That's what I think.
But we'll make bets.
We'll talk shit.
I want to be able to order...
You know, this is the other thing.
I, like, on the road right now, trying to be so healthy.
And then it is, it's like two drinks.
And my opener, Luke, gets nachos for the drive.
And I'm like, when he orders them, I'm like, salad.
What are you, a 13-year-old boy?
Salad, thank you.
Salad.
Because I want it.
Yeah, because I actually do like the taste of this spring lettuce.
And it makes me feel better to eat literally.
I feel better.
I know what I'm putting in my body.
Plus, no late-night eating.
Then we're driving.
I'm not even hungry at midnight.
12, we're driving.
He takes out these cold, soggy gross nachos.
I'm just sort of like, can I have a couple?
Give me those, you son of a bitch.
I eat most of them.
Yes, because he ate what he wanted already.
I'm just like heartburn at 4 a.m.
Like, you're not a man.
Guys, everybody enjoy the show.
Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu.
Yep.
We are also having our back catalog is going to be on Hulu.
We're going to be about 20 at a time.
So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu.
Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies?
No, and you can get season one, season two.
We're going to have a nice melange on Hulu, but the day early.
I mean, there's a lot of advantages.
Here's another thing.
Here's another thing.
People going, well, I don't have Hulu.
You got YouTube?
Because we're there, too.
Yeah.
Hulu a day early.
YouTube for stragglers.
And also, you go, I don't have that.
Well, we got Patreon.
Yeah.
And they go, I don't have that.
What do you want?
Yeah, okay, Jake.
We're trying to be inclusive and you're yelling at them.
But I think you're right.
It's just, look.
Watch this show anywhere.
There's a lot of options.
Okay.
Hulu's early.
Hulu's early.
Audio day of, YouTube day of.
Patreon.
no ads.
Here's the way to remember it.
Hulu,
new,
so Nulu.
It's not the way to remember.
They also have back catalog stuff.
Okay, then that we call...
Yeah, all right, it's falling apart.
And we are brought to you by booking.com.
Look, it helps you get it ridiculously right.
You can find exactly what you're booking for.
Jake, we've talked to.
about how great booking.com is a lot.
Traveling with your family, work, go ahead.
Well, I've got a question for the audience here.
June 19th, is that the date for the
Gareth and Steve live show in Omaha?
We've got people in the Midwest who are nearby who go,
I want to take a little trip and see something, but where would I stay?
Well, go to booking.com.
Perfect.
makes it easy to find a hotel or a holiday home that's just that's not just generically right or right
for somebody but ridiculously right for you well also Omaha a fantastic city surrounded by
fantastic i don't know why you said thank you Steve but so you just live there uh but it there's
you could get vacation rentals you could turn it into a few days i mean who knows hey Steve if people
come to Omaha for this little trip and they
book on booking.com and they turn it into a three-day thing. What are a few things they should do
besides see you guys live? Well, obviously, we have the best zoo in the country, uh, in the world,
I think, maybe. Find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com. Booking dot, yeah, book today on
the site or in the app. And we're brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money. We all know
what Rocket Money is. But we've worked with Rocket Money a lot, Jake, because, uh,
It is the app that finds the unwanted subscriptions you're still paying for and tells you, hey, what are you doing?
You don't need this.
Do you know that you signed up for this?
And you go, I actually don't think that I did.
Stevie, what has Rocket Money saved you on?
I'll tell you what.
Like, legit, I was paying for an actors, an old commercial acting service called Actors Access.
That I think has been depunked for like a decade.
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So Rocket Money, everybody is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted
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Yes.
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Well, every, I keep building different websites because it's so easy with Squarespace, but I've been working with Squarespace for a while, could not be more user friendly.
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We're back, baby.
Uh, hello.
Hello there.
How are you?
I'm doing well.
How about you guys?
Doing great.
What's your first name?
My name's Mitch.
Mitch, where are you calling from Mitch?
I am just outside of Atlanta.
ATL.
How old are you, Mitch?
I just turned 34, last week, actually.
I love it.
If there was a book written about your life, Mitch, what would the title be?
Oh, my God.
You think I'd be prepared for this?
No.
I don't want you to be.
I just want you to think off the top.
Let's see.
I have an album title that I would call my own album.
Let's hear that.
I was going to go with Easily Amused.
Easily Amused.
I like that.
And why do you think you're easily amused?
That's a good question.
Sounds like something my therapist should ask me.
I don't know.
I just, you know, you just am.
Okay.
Things are amusing.
I don't know.
That's good, Dave.
Or you know what?
The name of your book?
Things are amusing.
Yeah.
I like that even better.
The album is easily amused.
The book is, Things Are Amusing.
That is actually.
It's a nice.
puzzle. I like it. Yeah. All right, Mitch. What can we do for you? All right. So some background,
34, as I just told you, on for the past year or so, I've been wearing a hair system. So if you're
not familiar, a hair system is basically just like a glorified toupee that like a special
stylist will kind of size it, put it glue on the top of your head. Or is it snappy?
That's exactly. No, it's the glue one.
Okay, so you have to shave your head.
But then when you do the whole glue thing, if you like wash it and comb it, it looks real.
It looks like pretty indistinguishable.
I know.
I've seen video.
You never really know unless like you like inspect it closely.
Yeah, but it looks like, but you do the whole thing.
Once it's glued on, you like blow, I watch this whole guy do it.
And at the beginning, he's talking.
And then he takes it off and it's shocking.
I did a thing with this dentist named Dr. Brady.
I went to his office and he was like doing this little bit with me
where he gave me a ton of nitrous
and then during it
he he and I literally was like
I was like yeah you have great hair or whatever
and he's like oh it's a whole thing and I was like
what and he goes snap snap
and I was like oh
my god while you were under nitrous
I'll tell you this picture just doing a bunch of nitrous
very strange
yeah okay so keep going
this is amazing so far keep going
before we go any further, just so I know
if the answer will no, we move on.
Are you comfortable sending photos?
Can we see this or no?
Yeah, absolutely.
Great.
Can I like blur my face?
Yeah, of course.
And you're comfortable if we post it.
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay, great.
And then, all right, so keep going.
I don't know if we're going to get to that,
if that's important for this thing,
but go ahead, Gareth.
Well, did you see the boxer the other day
who got punt, he got rocked in the head
and his hair system went off?
Yes.
No, but that's hilarious.
That's like my greatest fear.
Okay, keep going, Mitch.
All right, Mitch.
Back to you.
All right.
Yeah, so when I'm wearing here for about the past year, it's pretty indistinguishable.
Like, no one can really tell unless you, like, look super close and, like, that has never really happened.
There's been a couple comments about, like, my hair looks different, but that's about the extent of it.
So over the past year, it's just, it's kind of becoming just a pain to make.
maintain like you got to take it off and wash it and clean it.
Yeah, you got to like rebuzz your head.
You got to replace them every like, I don't know,
four to six months, give or take,
and then you got to get that new one kind of like recut and styled and all of that.
So all that to say, my question is I'm kind of considering just stop wearing it
and embrace the baldness.
I like this.
So I kind of want a fun way I can reveal to my friends and my family.
that I'm actually bald
and I've been wearing this hair system for the past year.
That's so fucking great.
Can I ask a question?
How much does each one,
how much are you putting into this?
Is this a lot?
Yeah,
so the hair itself can be anywhere
from like,
you can get a cheap one,
I guess,
for maybe a hundred bucks.
They go upwards of like a thousand dollars.
Wow,
okay.
So we need to pitch to your family
a fun reveal that I was doing this and now it's over.
And I think the play we want to go is the Gareth Dentist moment.
I think we want a big reveal at a strange time.
You know what I'm going to call it, Jake?
The gent hair reveal.
I think we do it like a party.
Agreed.
But I think he goes to the bathroom in the middle and comes back with no hair.
I like that he, how hard is it to take it off?
it's like glued on there pretty well but I can kind of
I think you do a half glue
and during the event
halfway through
you stop you make a little speech
and you yank it off
okay I can tell why everyone's done silence
well I don't think he wants to be the center of it
like it's that's a little I think we do something
what if we do something like this
you're with your family at a thing
and pretend to have like a stomach ache
and go like, I'm feeling a little bit sick.
And everyone's like, you okay?
Like you're having dinner at your family or whatever.
And go, yeah, I think I gotta go to the bathroom.
And then they're like, oh, you're like,
I think I might bar for, I don't know.
Then you go, do you mind if I take a shower after?
And I just feel it in there.
I go, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then go and try to figure out like you're a detective's what,
like maybe it's something I ate.
Is it the chicken?
Is anyone else feeling sick?
So everybody, like, I'm feeling dizzy.
I'm feeling sweaty.
Ooh, do I feel hot?
So it becomes a thing.
go to the bathroom, come back and go with no hair.
It was a false alarm or just farted.
So I act like I don't realize the hair's gone.
Exactly.
You don't mention it.
And they go, what, you go?
It was just gas.
And then somebody goes, wait, where's your hair?
And you go like, ah!
And you went to hand.
You go, I don't know.
I was feeling sick.
I went in there.
That's what was wrong with me.
I farted.
I get my hair fell off, but I feel great now.
I feel like myself.
And then they go like, Mitch, what the hell is going on?
And you keep doubling down.
You go, I don't know.
I thought I had bad chicken.
But I feel better now.
Maybe it wasn't the fart.
Maybe it was the hair.
And then finally go, I was wearing an airpiece now I'm done.
And then be really casual about it.
Move on.
What else is going on?
My family would actually love that.
We love a good fart joke, too.
But that is like, if you really play it up,
you've been having some stomach issues.
Anybody else?
And it's been going on.
Everyone's like, are you good?
Yeah, I just been cramping up.
Anybody else cramping up?
And somebody else might go like,
I haven't been feeling like myself.
Something's going on, man.
Maybe it's the flu.
Fucking maybe, what is it?
COVID again?
Oh, Jesus.
And I was like, God damn.
Then you go like, I'm feeling dizzy.
What if you did this?
Go ahead.
Obviously, should I do kind of like the long con, like,
start planting the seeds like weeks in advance.
Like I've been having like some stomach problems.
Like I haven't been feeling myself.
Yeah, I might go to a doctor.
And then it all kind of builds up to that moment.
Yes.
And so we want the family to be getting a little worried.
We are like, I'm going to make an appointment.
I think I'm going to go to like a doctor, like a gut doctor.
I don't know.
What does it feel like?
You feel like something wants to like pop off my body?
Huh?
Like something's holding me down.
Or maybe it's a head thing.
What if you had called?
I have a terrible headache.
I like this.
What's going on?
I don't know.
Like my scalp was really hurting me.
It is.
Yeah.
Maybe you do.
I can say it's Dr.
Moe.
Dr.
Moe is right.
You can say it,
but it's not associated with the show.
Those guys passed away.
Oh,
that's right.
I forgot.
What if you,
what if you do,
now you're pitching this is after dinner,
right, Jake?
Or middle dinner.
What if you do it at the restaurant?
What if you're out?
He's got.
A shower.
So the glue is a whole thing.
It's going to take like 30 minutes.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
That's what I mean.
The reveal.
I don't think it's not the snaps.
Yeah, right, right.
Okay, right.
This is like a really nice hairpiece.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
I can find a restaurant with a shower.
No, just do it at home.
I mean, what we're really looking for is just.
Jake.
Wait, I agree.
I agree.
No.
But can we just enjoy for a second what he just said?
I could find.
a restaurant with a shower.
Where the fuck?
Arby's?
Where the fuck are they letting you hose down, my guy?
I don't even use a shower at Arbys.
Yeah, we need a party a nine for Friday night, 8 p.m.
Hey, do you, I checked your website.
Do you guys have a shower?
So, Mitch, what do you think about faking an illness and a big reveal?
And then when you come out, you're just talking about being better.
Yeah, I like it.
It's like the, like play the long game, like having stomach problems for a while.
And then it kind of all builds up to like at a restaurant sometime.
You get to it for like a big event, like a parent's birthday.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it would make it a go of it.
It's going to end up being a huge family laugh if you execute it, right?
So the bigger of the event, the better.
Yeah.
And then when you come out, the game of the.
play is you do not acknowledge the hair at all, but you're feeling a lot better.
Best case scenario is like if it was something to do with your parents and it takes place
at their house because then it's during the event you can do it and everyone is still there,
right?
Yes.
Yeah, absolutely.
Is anything like that coming up for you?
Oh, actually, in April, my step.
stepdad is turning 70, so a bunch of which are going to the beach.
Yes, this is it.
Shows.
You know, the other thing you can go?
Yeah, tons of showers.
In the water.
Ocean.
Go in the fucking ocean.
Oh.
Go in the ocean.
Go in the ocean.
This is the best.
Yes.
Take a swim and when you come out, the hair pieces in your pocket.
And you're using the ocean water to scrub your head.
Yes.
And then what you want to do is the, it's the Baywatch.
Wait, I have an idea.
Rather than being sick, the ocean, you got attacked by a shark.
Come running out like this.
Going like this.
Oh my God.
Oh, I got one.
You go, I think I was just attacked by a shark.
I was attacked by a shark.
I saw a great way.
And they were like, what is going on?
And then they go, I felt it bite at the top of my head.
It bit my head.
It bit my head.
Am I bleeding?
Am I bleeding?
Am I bleeding?
And they go like, no, no, wait.
But Mitch, Mitch, it took all your hair.
Oh, I'm bald.
Then you go like, oh, I'm wearing a hairpiece.
Am I bleeding?
No, but the shark ate your hair and you go, no, no, no, no, no, it was a hair.
Am I bleeding?
No, then you go, oh, wow, it just ate my wig.
All right, what's going on, everybody?
I can't tell you.
The hair saved my life.
How fucking, how fucking great to go into the house.
And come out with no hair.
I mean, we're looking for a restaurant with a shower.
You got God's back!
Wait, Mitch, you got to do this.
All right.
I like the shark attack for sure.
Is there anybody in your family?
Yeah, go ahead.
It's a small one.
I have two young nieces who will be there,
so I don't want to freak them out thinking there's sharks in the ocean.
Maybe I'll just tell them ahead of time.
You tell them ahead of time.
Yeah, there's a bit coming.
so don't be alarmed.
You tell them at the beach.
Their parent, who you also tell,
like one person who oversees the kids,
films it.
Yes, please.
Okay, yep.
So if they film it on their phone,
so the kids and them are part of it,
and they're allowed to be laughing
because what we're really just looking to confuse
is the older people.
Yeah, absolutely.
I'm very excited.
And then you just stick in the thing over and over
but am I bleeding?
Jake,
Jake, give him a rehearsal.
I mean, let's hear a rehearsal.
Okay, so Mitch, you're Mitch, let's see how you do it.
All right.
You are coming out of the water.
Gareth and I are going to be your stepdad and your stepmom.
Or your mom and your stepdad.
As you say, that'd be a weird family dynamic.
Don't worry about it.
All right.
So Mitch, come out of the water.
Oh my God, that was crazy.
I think I got attacked by a shark.
What?
What do you mean?
Yeah, did you see it?
No.
It's like last on the top of my head.
Wait, here's how we set it up, Mitch.
From the water, you have to, when you've got it all done,
move your arms and legs and start getting attention from the water and go like,
ah!
Ah!
Okay.
So they're all looking at you and then come running out.
Okay.
I started again.
I got it.
Mitch!
Oh,
my God!
Oh, that was crazy.
Where's your hair?
No, I got attacked by a shark.
What?
Where's your hair?
No, the shark bit me.
Mitch, you don't have any hair.
It lasts onto my hair.
What are you saying?
A shark bit off your hair?
Yeah, you didn't see it?
That's not how it works.
Your hair isn't like one big piece.
You don't know that.
You're in good shape.
I'm picturing, you know that scene where Dave,
I'm gonna fucking die.
You know that scene where Daniel Craig is James Bond
comes out of the water?
He's got those like tight little brain.
You're like, yeah.
Mitch,
Mitch running out of the water to pull up.
It's so good.
All right, Mitch, this is a absolute home run.
Make sure someone films it, Mitch.
Please, for the love of God.
All right.
Thank you, Fred.
And please follow up with us.
Thank you for the call.
And also, good job getting rid of that piece, man.
Just lean up.
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Hello.
Hello there.
Hi, how are you?
Good.
How are you?
Oh, we're doing great.
Can we get your name, please?
My name is Casey.
Hi, Casey.
Where are you calling from, Casey?
I'm in Boston.
Boston, beautiful.
We're in Boston.
I went to school there.
I went to Emerson.
I'm near like downtown Boston
Sure
Yep nice general
No specifics near downtown crossing
Um
fish near like South Station
Beautiful
Uh nope okay
Casey roughly how old are you
Sorry I'm gonna jump in there and just save Jake
From yourself a little bit
My fireman uncle Tommy is over there
Yeah yeah okay
What departments you with
Um
South Washington
The boys
The boys
Uh okay Casey are you from Boston
I say that I am, but I'm from like 30 minutes outside.
Yeah, you don't have a lick of an accent, honey.
And then Jake's accent on a scale of 1 to 10,
obviously 10 being non-existent for Jake on this scale.
Well, from Tommy, my fireman uncle.
Then I got Bobby's over there.
Over there by Duncan.
I'll be honest.
This might be your best accent, and it's still not great, but there are...
It's starting to fade.
I want to.
Yeah, so I quit.
I'm waiting for you to tell me to shut up and get to Casey.
Get the jersey up in the rafters.
How old are you, Casey?
You could even just give us a rough estimation.
It might help.
I'm 25.
25.
All right.
Casey, Boston, downtown crossing.
Uncle Tommy, fire department doesn't exist.
What can we do for you?
So like I said, I'm from like 30 minutes outside of Boston, but I just moved into the city.
And because of that, I joined a new gym.
And one of the perks of the gym is they have like a bunch of different classes.
And I just joined a boxing class.
Great.
Rockies, like one of my favorite movies growing up.
I was like super excited to join this class.
When I joined, everyone introduced themselves and come to find out there's another Casey in that class.
Now, I love my name and I think it's fun to meet another Casey because like we're few and far between.
I haven't met a lot in my life.
The only issue is that she's been in the class for much longer than I have and she has like a friendship with the coach that I haven't
formed yet, if that makes sense.
And so when we're in the class and, like, he asked us to do something, he'll just say out
our name.
And it's like that bit where we both turn our heads and we're like, oh, like, oh, which
one?
It's getting annoying.
And he actually finally, like, my last class said, like, something kind of has to change.
And he said to me that I have to find a new nickname.
And like I said, I like my name.
I don't want a nickname.
So I guess my question is, like, how.
would I assert my dominance over the other Casey so that I'm the only Casey?
You don't even want a nickname pitch.
You want to usurp old Casey?
I mean, I'd like to.
But if I can't, I guess, like, what would be a nickname for me?
Well, hold on, Casey.
That's two questions.
So the first what you were going was really crazy.
And then Garrett tried to bring you back to reality.
And I think you changed.
I think your first question was, how do I assert my,
dominant so that I'm the only Casey?
Yeah.
What question do you, I mean, don't listen to us.
We're here to help you.
We might not be able to.
No, and I was just saying that's where you weren't going.
So if that's where you're going, go ahead.
But what is the actual question you're calling with today and then we could try to help?
Yeah, I mean, my main goal is to be like the only Casey in that class.
All right.
I got a pitch.
Okay.
It's a boxing gym, right?
It's not a, do we have, like, a boxing class within, like, the normal gym?
Yeah.
Fight for the name.
Oh, my God.
Challenge her.
Can I be honest?
Casey off.
Casey.
Say, I will fight you to be called.
Oh, she would.
Okay.
Don't fight her.
She's been there for years.
All right.
She's been there for years.
I got to say.
And I thought about it.
Out of the gate, though, what a pitch.
I mean
I want that so bad
I want to be Casey
and she goes
I'm Casey
you go
Well how about this
One round
Whoever lands
The most blows
Is Casey
And the other one
Has to come up
With a nickname
And that nickname
Is called thumped
But what if we
To that
What if we
Challenge other Casey
To something
But it isn't boxing
Oh I have an idea
Yeah
How about this Casey
Go ahead Gareth
No no
Yeah go on
That's it
Yeah
But going off of Gareth pitch
What if you guys
the coach comes up with a day of challenges that work for the whole class.
So, like, if you're doing, if it's a workout class and you're doing, like, jabs,
and then you're going under that rope thing.
I know this because I boxed a little bit, Casey.
I heard you pull your knee out on your own wrestling a dummy.
That's gabbing with a dummy on a podcast, you dummy.
Okay, okay.
But you could ask the coach to put together a competition day.
And who does better in class is Casey.
And the other one's new nickname is number two.
Well, so she's been doing this for years.
I've joined maybe a month and a half ago.
Listen, kid, you're talking about dominance.
You need a pep talk.
No, but look, you might be right in that she's greater than you, but you don't go.
So there's a lion pack, and I want to be the alpha dog of this lion pack,
but there's this guy's Scarface, and he's like the best.
But how do I do it?
And we go, fight the lot, Scarface.
You go, yeah, I'd lose.
Challenge coverage, I'd lose.
Well, then maybe you ain't the lead dog.
Maybe you number two.
I, look, I like that.
You could also go the route of where we do,
you could challenge it to some, like,
I'm thinking of when Michael Jordan in the last dance is throwing the quarters against the wall.
I mean, it's the greatest basketball player of all time,
and he's basically given up all of his skill.
just to gamble quarters or money on a quarters game with the security team.
So is there something where we could also, like, is there a pool at the gym?
No.
Okay.
We're in the city.
Is there something else we could do there that's just like simpler, like ping pong ball into a solo cup?
Like something like that where we challenge her to stuff like that.
Yeah, but here's the catch with this, Casey.
This is what I'm feeling too.
So you are the new one.
So she's Casey.
Yeah.
Now, I'm just saying this now, the premise of this that people can get mad about,
but if you came into a bar and we were your uncles or friends of the family,
I'm telling you straight up, if you want that name, it can't be, you play goofball,
you play rock paper stitches in the back corner.
By the way, Jake, Casey has already revealed to us that Rocky is her,
I mean, is there a greater underdog story than Rocky?
I mean, Casey, you are Rocky.
Look at Apollo.
And other Casey's Apollo.
Yeah.
Or the Russian.
Or the Russian.
Or the Russian.
Or Colgan.
Or Tommy Gun.
Although that one's a weird one.
The five was weird.
But Casey, do you kind of see where we're going on this?
Yeah.
I guess my only thing is, and I didn't share this piece of information, is that her name isn't Casey.
That's a nickname for her.
That's a nickname for her.
Okay.
I got a pitch.
Yeah.
My name is legally Casey.
Her name, like, that's like her initials.
Like, her first name begins the K and the last name begins to C.
Oh, she's literally KC.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
My birth certificate is Casey.
Well, I don't know if we can, you know, bring in the birth certificates, but I don't hate the
But it's a really dorky play at a boxing gym.
Here's what I've got.
Go ahead.
We're talking about Apollo, the sparkle, the shell, the show.
the marketing.
Casey, if you start showing up maybe in some Casey merch,
it's going to be hard to take it away from you.
If you have a headband.
Casey merch.
That says Casey on it.
I'm guessing you don't wear gloves, obviously.
These are, or are there gloves?
Or it's just kind of shadow boxing.
No, I have boxing gloves.
I would maybe think about putting some bedazzled Casey on the gloves.
You could get a shirt made that's like just says,
like, you know, Casey.
I'm Casey.
Yeah, knockout Casey, Casey, the knockout, something like that.
I go Jimmy McMahon style, have it white and in black ink, just write Casey.
Casey.
I think if you show up in the Casey merch, they can't take that away from you because you're
super pot committed and the other girl isn't even named Casey.
Oh, what is the K and Casey short for?
Do you know?
Kathleen
Okay
So get her Kathleen March
She doesn't like her
She doesn't like her name
And she doesn't like any of like the nicknames for that either
Why are you taking a boxing class
Well like I said Rocky is like
I think a great movie franchise
And I just want to feel like strong
Yeah
And like I want to be able to like beat someone up
That's cool as hell
What about a nickname of Rocky
What about clubber?
Clever Lang
Rocky feels like I'm putting too much pressure on myself
to be Rocky
and like I'd love to be one day
but I'm just very much not at that point of my life
That makes sense that you like clobber
Clubber is just a pitch
But that's Mr. T and it's great
He's great in the movie
We could also go with truth
We could go with fists
We could go with punch out
We could go with K-O-KC
Big Mike
We could go with Big Mike
Low Mac
We could go to Lomack
you like that one
that's like what I was thinking
but I didn't want to give a nickname to myself
because like that feels kind of late
Well you're not
We're giving it to you
Yeah now you have evidence of two
grown men giving this nickname to you
You go like this
Hey um
Do you mind calling me because there's two cases
By my nickname
And they'll go
What's your nickname?
Let me pitch you a couple here
Glass Joe
Piston Honda
Pistons kid
Don Flamenco
Great
Tiger?
Tiger's good.
I have the tiger.
How about bald bull?
Now, see, Jake, at some point you're going to reveal your source, and I already know it, but keep
going.
Mr. Sandman.
Sandman's good, because you're putting people to sleep.
Super macho man.
Macho woman.
Bear hugger.
The bear.
Mad clown.
It's just a crazy pitch.
Or Mike Tyson.
This is all for Mike Tyson's punchout.
Yeah, Jake just walked you through all the levels of Mike Tyson's punchout.
Okay.
you think? Do you like any of those?
I mean like
I like Little Mac. Like I feel like that's fun because I'm like 5-1.
Like I am like short. But who's Mac?
He's wiry. Well, that was one of the characters.
Oh, how about this? Little Mac was
Mac. Mac is the main guy, right?
Wait, hold on, hold on. Yeah. Hold on. She's Casey, you're
Little Casey. You're 5-1.
She's shorter than me.
She's shorter than me.
Fight her.
That's like, you know, that might not be a deal.
break her, but she is like 4.11.
I'm like...
Casey, I wish you could just see.
Jake's body leg...
This is too much.
Jake just rubbed his face like a cop who lost the lead that was going to get him to solve it.
Well, you also, Casey, you can't beat up a 4 foot 11 lady at a boxing gym?
You should see her...
No.
Like her aren't...
No.
So, okay, so she's bigger than you.
Are anybody in that boxing gym taller than 5'2 or is it...
I got an idea.
Why don't you take another woman's name from the boxing gym?
May you become her, Casey.
Let's just put you in that alpha role.
How about Lil C?
I like Lil C.
Oh.
It's not a yeah.
It seems like you're kind of married to Little Mac.
I don't hate it, but I still.
I like, I like Lil C.
Again, I guess my thing is I wanted, I like my name.
I like Casey.
Okay.
So I don't want to be Casey.
But like I just don't, I don't see a situation where I can,
Yeah, you're not going to fight her.
So if we're kind of jumping ship on that, that is what it is.
But you also don't want to challenge her to any sort of competition in class because you think she's going to win at everything.
Well, I mean, if it's like, like you said, like ping pong, I could, I could.
Yeah, but why would you challenge fucking ping pong in a boxing class?
You know what we could do?
I think, well, what we could do is this.
We could put you on the clock for a couple of months, Casey, and you train like a fucking animal.
and when you get to the end of that
That's cool
You challenge her to like an endurance of jump rope
A
Like you go to the arcade
And you hit one of those punching things
And whoever gets the highest score
And then you like race each other
And maybe you even do one round
But if not you're going for some endurance stuff
And you set up the KC Olympics
But we give you a couple months
We give you a couple months to montage it up
Rocky movie four
Yes
I think Gareth is totally right, Casey.
What we could do is you could say to Casey 1.0 and the teacher,
I'm looking to get in better shape.
I just started here.
I think there could be a fun thing we can do.
Casey, I respect the hell out of you.
I think you're so good in here.
You're so strong.
You might be 411, but I think you can whip my ass.
Is there something we could do for motivation together if you guys are interested in that is
have a challenge of who gets the Casey name?
and in six months from now,
Coach, could you run us through some challenges in class?
And so I could train really hard knowing.
And if I happen to win, then I'm Casey in class
and you're Kathleen or whatever you want to be.
And if you win, which it seems like you're going to win.
Because it's your name, it's your territory.
You've been here longer, then I will be Little Mac.
Good motivation for training.
If I'm Casey, I have fun with it because I go, I'm going to get in much better shape too.
That's the other thing I was going to say.
It kind of ingratiates you into the class a little bit more.
So even if you lose, you know.
Now, you're a little Mac.
You're a little Mac, but you've got a better rapport.
We understand.
And most likely during the thing.
Yeah, most likely you'll earn a different nickname.
And that's probably like Casey, too.
Yep.
And then we're going to come up with some merch and we'll call you too.
I like that.
That's fun.
So how do you feel about that, Casey?
You're basically the pitch we're landing on is you're going to go to other Casey and the teacher.
And you're going to say...
Maybe first the teacher.
Maybe first. Or do we want to train a little bit first?
Maybe we...
No. Yeah, let's go to the teacher.
Go to the teacher and say, is this something that you would have fun with with me?
And is this something you think Casey could do?
And the whole class can be part of it too, if you want.
But like that day, everybody could partake in the challenge.
But is this something you'd be willing to do with me?
The Casey Challenge.
He's fun.
I think he'd be down.
You know, I think this is good, Casey.
You know what I think we need to do?
Really fast.
When you go to the gym and you have a class with this guy,
how is the structure of the class?
What do you guys actually do?
So, like, half of it's cardio.
But what kind of cardio?
Hold on the bag.
So, like, on the bags,
doing like the jumping jacks, jump ropes.
Okay, so like a bar.
In sparring with him.
Okay.
Oh, inspiring with him.
Yeah.
Okay.
And so he has, does he have myths?
Yeah.
Okay.
So there's probably something he could do with timed myths.
Mm-hmm.
Because what I want you to then pitch them is rather than will you run this whole curriculum and create this whole extra thing for me, me, me, me, me, me, and you do all the work.
And he goes like, motherfucker, I'm running a gym.
You go, can we do a thing where you time us and whoever hits the mitts more?
whoever does, you know, more jumping jacks, whoever does the stuff that you already do,
but she and I compete in six months.
And these are the metrics of the thing.
It's what you already do.
And then maybe SPAR.
I think you could definitely do that too.
I think really what you got to do is SPAR for one round.
It's got to be at least six months in advance because I got to work on that.
But that.
Casey, we're talking about, can I challenge Casey to a three-minute,
round where we spar in six months from now and the winner gets the name and if I check it out
she gets the name and then if the coach says I'm okay with it if she is go great and then you go
really hat and hand to her and you say I respect the hell out of you I think you're so much
better I just moved to boss and I'm trying to get better I also would love to have a funny way to
do this thing but I would love to challenge you to a sparring match if you're interested if you're
not I'm backing off but what we want is her to go yeah I'd love it and it's a
Rocky. You're Rocky. You're going to be your favorite movie. It's great motivation. Look, at the end of the day,
worst case, you're going to be called Lil Mac or two or whatever. Or you're going to lose the first
round and you guys do a sequel. Yeah, forever. Endless sequel. You've got a franchise there. But either way,
you're going to get in great shape. It's great motivation. And you know what? I'll tell you what.
Nobody thought Rocky was going to do it. I don't even think Rocky thought he was going to do it.
So it's not strange for you to feel the same way. But just maybe.
Casey.
Totally.
Just maybe.
Yeah.
I think with having that on the line, like my name's sake on the line, it would definitely, it pushed me for sure.
So let's do it.
Why don't we start?
Open the conversation.
Open the conversation, you know, and let us know how it goes.
But even if they say, yeah, then let's just start training.
And then you could give us an update as we lead up to the time when you're going to fight for your name.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah, that's good.
All right.
Where are your Mickey's?
I appreciate you guys.
You got two Mickeys.
I appreciate it.
Okay?
We appreciate you.
This is going to potentially work.
I don't know if you're going to win, but this is going to work.
Yeah, you're going to get a good shape.
That's what about.
And guess what, Casey?
Just like Rocky, we don't know if Rocky's going to beat Apollo.
That's what makes the movie exciting.
Shit, he doesn't it first.
So good luck.
You want to be Casey, but you're going against the real Casey.
I hope you win, man.
And whatever you do, do not let a big Russian in the class
because then other cases...
Also...
If I die, I die at that, yeah.
I think we have different roles, though, Gareth.
If you want to be Mickey...
You want to be Apollo?
I'm Pauley.
You are 100% Pauley.
What are you going to do?
Hey, forget...
Knock them out, Rock.
I'm Polly.
He's a bum.
Sweet Jesse here.
This next call is a follow-up from episode 278, The Real London.
Hello.
Hi, how are you?
We know you're a follow-up, but that's all we know.
So what was the first call?
What's your name?
And then we'll get into the update.
Yeah.
I'm Hannah.
I called a couple weeks ago because I just moved to London,
and I've been really lucky to have so many people visit,
but I've been annoyed with the tour guide.
Yep.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, so the problem was, Hannah, was you just moved from Boston, correct?
Chicago.
That's what I thought.
Big Sidney.
I thought I was going to be one of those impressive polls.
Like, I got a beautiful mind kind of moment.
You took a good swing.
I was going after the, wow, what a memory.
And I was going to go to no big deal.
It was really going to be wild by that.
The way my brain works.
It's amazing.
It's called recall.
Yeah, sorry, my brain.
It's this tricky thing.
It's amazing.
So, Hannah, and then what happened?
People were visiting too much and you didn't want to be a tour guide.
Is that correct?
Walk us through the problem again, what we pitched and what you did.
Yeah, I was really excited for everyone to be here and visit, and it was all close friends
and good family, but I was just getting frustrated with having to go to the same really
crowded tourist sea spots over and over again, which I know is just part of it, but I was hoping
we could find a solution, and I think we did. We talked about doing some fake fun facts about all of
these really popular tourist destinations. Right. And at the end of the day, we would all be at a pub,
and I would just ask them if they either caught my fake fun facts or if they found
or thought anything sounded off
or you suggested Jake
like have a list and ask them
everything that I went over like a quiz
almost.
I think that's cool.
Yeah, but
we are really into trivia.
So I thought it would be fun to just like
let's put a couple, not too many
fake fun facts in and see if anything seems
off. And I did
it. You did do it.
I did do it with my brother
and his girlfriend.
Great people to do it with.
They have a great sense of humor, and we sat at the pub, and I said, all right, I've given you one each day.
Does anything sound crazy?
But it was, you know, it was kind of tough for them to tell what it was because they did receive a lot of facts.
Well, what were some of the whammy facts you threw out there?
So they were just believable enough, I think.
One of them was actually, I think they both were from you, Gareth.
One was that clowns were banned in Piccadilly Circus in like 1883.
And they were like, oh, yeah.
They're like, oh, interesting.
Weird.
Okay.
They did think it was weird.
What was another one?
The other one was, so the big Ben is the name of the bell inside the Elizabeth
Tower.
And it's named Ben after Queen Elizabeth's favorite horse.
The fake fun fact there was Ben was not coming out of this horse.
Pretty good.
You know what I would do?
Can I pitch on our pitch?
Yeah, yeah.
Every day the lie gets crazier and crazier.
So on the last day, they literally go, what are you talking about?
I agree.
And then you go, like you, but you've got to get every day you've got to push to see how far you can get.
So that one of them you can go like, England actually started 219 years ago.
it used to be in an aquarium in France.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah, like England was actually two words until 65 years ago.
Yeah, it was Ing land.
It was the England because the Ing people were here originally.
And then Winston Churchill was the one who combined it.
And it was great.
But the funny thing is because he was drunk.
He did it because he was drunk.
And he goes like, England.
And they go like this.
It's England.
But he said England, everybody laughed.
and then now it's England.
Yeah, yeah.
I just look at you and go,
I don't think that's true
and you go,
half of the shit I've been saying
is going on line.
I like that a lot.
I'm not a real chore guy, I'm your sister.
I think because the big Ben one,
it's fun,
but I'm like,
I would not be like,
hold on a minute.
I would get lost in the sauce.
And then after when you went like,
by the way,
that was a trick.
I'll go,
I don't care.
Yeah,
I'd be like, cool.
Yeah, I'm not a good.
You okay?
Remember when I said that those bricks
were from 1917,
they were from 8,
1815.
I don't even remember.
Did you even look at my phone?
I was looking at my phone.
Oh, well.
So I think the lies had to get to the point where if they believe it, they're wacky.
Yep.
I think so too.
I think so too.
Go ahead.
My next visitor is my mom, so I'm not going to trick my sweet mom.
Yes, you know.
A mom's a perfect person to get.
Enjoy your life.
Come on.
A mom, you could really push it.
Hannah, give me three of the weirdest lies you could tell about London, right off the top of the jack.
Don't even get insecure.
Just start talking.
I don't think that quickly, but I can give you some more garrick.
That the James was, name was originally called the Times, but the accent is so crazy that everyone calls it the Tames.
That one's still good.
I think that's a day one.
Yeah, that's a day.
I think now that we're hearing them, let's go.
I want to see what you come up with, Hannah.
I think the Thames and Thames is good,
but then I want to see, you know,
what else could it come up?
I want to hear in the River Thames,
there used to be great white sharks.
Yeah, Gators.
And they were all, they were Gators and sharks.
It used to be a true swamp.
But the original term, Gator, came from River Thames.
And that's where they used to throw convicts.
They used to just toss them in the Thames.
Before they sent them all to Australia,
they used to send them in the Thames.
And the saying was, throw them in the Thames,
and they end up down.
under.
Yeah.
And that's why Australia is called down under.
Meaning a gator would take you down under and take your life from you.
So when we created Australia,
I didn't create it,
but when we sent out of our companies there,
we said,
we're sending you down under.
I think that's very good.
And they went like,
wow,
and you go,
yeah,
they used to call it,
it was like the bloody red river Thames.
And what you really want is your mom to be in a restaurant with a waiter and go.
Well,
we have had a wonderful time.
I heard all about the river towns where they're
The crocodiles killed all those people that they then sent to Australia down under.
Yeah.
And the person goes,
Hmm?
Your daughter is a liar.
That's what we're looking for, Hannah.
And if it happens on day one, she goes, what are you talking about?
You go, well, the truth is, I haven't done any homework, mom.
I'm just making these up.
So you want to just do this together?
Should we just hang out in London?
Oh, that's really funny.
No, that's good.
I'm not that funny.
But I really like the one about bringing about the sharks and the down under.
Yeah.
I think just getting a little crazier with it.
Get a little crazier with it.
But also, Hannah, I think part of the fun is, let's hear yours, yeah.
So think about it a little bit.
And with your mom, you got the gator one, but I think you got some stuff cooking in you, Hannah.
Hmm.
Let's see when you open that oven and what bun you pull out.
You know what I mean?
We know what mine and what Gareth looks like.
But what does Hannah's bun look like?
Right, right.
How about I continue to think about it,
and then maybe I can send you a picture of some fake fun facts I come up with for my mom's visit.
I love it.
You know what I love rather than a picture?
A voice note.
But yeah, when is mom coming in?
Mom will be here in like two weeks beginning of April.
While you think of them, send us voice notes.
We'll include it at the end of this and then follow up with us after mom
and we'll hear how they did.
Perfect.
Okay.
That's great.
And wait, hold on.
Before you go in, I do believe it's a bell ring.
I believe we're escalating for another bell ring,
but I think we've been bed in this one, right, Jake?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, definitely a bell ring.
I think what we're saying, the goal is to get caught.
So just keep pushing it until someone's like,
hey, Hannah, are you okay?
Yeah, this is right.
All right, great.
No, that's funny.
Thanks, guys.
I'll send a voice now.
All right, thank you.
Bye.
Bye.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.
If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com.
And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.
We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mixing, mixing,
and master by Chris Fowler.
The theme song by Oliver Raleigh.
The cover artwork is by James Fostike.
Animations by Andrew Strelecky.
And if you'd like to see Gareth,
do stand up on the road,
go to Garethrenolds.com.
Remember all of the advice,
given on we're here to help,
is for entertainment purposes only,
and all listeners should be adults
and make their own decisions.
That was a hate gum podcast.
Hi, I am Mandy Moore.
Sterling K. Brown.
And I'm Chris Sullivan.
And we host the podcast,
was us now on Headgum.
Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us.
That's right.
We're going to go episode by episode.
We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.
Are we going to cry?
Yes.
A little bit.
Are we going to laugh?
A lot.
A whole lot.
That's what I'm hoping, man.
Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday.
