We're Here to Help - 289: Friendzone Mamba & Forced Update (with Hannah Simone and Lamorne Morris)
Episode Date: May 13, 2026Hannah Simone and Lamorne Morris are back for more! First, they work with Jake to discourage the advances of a local security guard. Then, they confront a catfishing Mother-in-Law.See images ...from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-289Want to call in? Email your question to helpfulpod@gmail.com.PATREON: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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This is a headgum podcast.
This is a headgum podcast.
Oh, Natalie, I saw something on Instagram that you loved, that you loved.
Multiple, that somehow our algorithm
up to each other.
And it was
an Asian guy
doing the duggy.
Oh my God.
I love him.
I'm trying him forever.
I know you have.
Learning the ducky.
I know you have.
I feel like a proud mom.
Yeah, he's gotten with it.
There's this dude,
this Asian guy,
I believe in China.
I don't know where he is.
He's like learn.
He's like,
be with me while I learn how to do the duggy.
He's one of the worst dancers
I've ever seen.
He's like so crazy.
Like he's literally like
And you're like, never.
I was like, and then he goes like day one, day two, day 30, you're like still bad.
And you guys are like day 80 and you're like, this is a pretty good dancer.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I don't know if he can do anything else.
Doesn't matter.
He just does the duggie.
But at a certain point, I started noticing Natalie's hearting all these.
And then I was commenting.
I didn't see any comments.
No, I don't count.
Just hearts.
But a lot of hearts.
Interesting.
That's always so funny.
That's pulled me in when I was on the algorithm and I was like,
those mostly aren't the videos I'm into.
I was like, who is this guy?
And then I was like, Natalie loves it.
And I was like, maybe there's something here.
And then before you know what, I'd watched a few.
And I think I hearted the day 88.
I was like, he's dances with like a woman and they both do it.
And I'm like, he got very good at the doggie.
And I did think for a second, should I spend 90 days and learn how to doggie?
You should.
I follow this guy who works out one trap every day.
I know who you're talking.
about one crazy arm.
I've never seen this.
This is not going to my arm.
Natalie get involved.
You like the Dougie?
It's one arm.
But why?
He was supposed to be really lopsided.
No, he's just doing it for Instagram.
He now is lopsided.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
He's just going to be really lopsided.
Yeah, but guess what?
He's probably got like a Celsius deal.
Okay?
This is how it works.
Gareth, I have a future bet for the show
that I want Natalie to maybe be part of
and maybe Jesse could be part of.
It could be something.
The next big disagree.
the loser has to learn the dougie or a dance and take 90 days and spend two minutes a day
filming the till's late at the end they have to do a high-level dance perfectly and if they don't do
it if they score and not on the first take like if you get nervous you can do multiple takes but
on the 90th day or whenever we're in studio you've got to do the thing it doesn't have to be perfect
But if it's like, realistically, that's pretty good.
It's over.
If not, you go back to the drawing board another 90 days.
Another 90.
Or until you get it.
Oh, my God.
But it's not a daily.
What is this bet that we're all thinking?
But if we agree that that's the bet, then we'll figure once we get to a thing where we're all in disagreement, but we're passionate about it.
Now we know what the bet is.
None of us can dance except Gareth thinks he can dance.
That's a lot of what it is.
They talk to the Korean guy.
How do you know Gareth thinks he can dance?
We did this.
We did this.
Gareth said someone told him he's a great dancer at a wedding.
Gareth is not a good dancer.
Sober Gareth's not a good dancer.
Drunk Gareth?
We had this conversation.
Big swings.
This is insane.
Dancing is about big swings.
No, I'm not because I'm not falling into the trap right now.
But also, this isn't a trap and stop yelling.
You're right.
You're not a good dancer.
Okay.
When you are a charming guy and when you're drunk, you're flirting with some girl.
And she goes, oh my God, you're such a good dancer because you're spazzing out and you're committing to movements.
A lot of its commitment.
I can't see it.
Well, commitment is not meaning good dancing.
It means fun dancing.
Yeah.
But there's an energy.
Listen, I don't want to get into it.
I've been at a number of weddings where people have been like, wow, you're a very good dancer.
Okay.
Pam Reynolds would tell you about this time that I was at a restaurant.
He says you're a good dancer, that's what you're saying.
Stop.
My mom used to say my brother was the fastest little boy in the world.
He's not.
Eve's delusional.
Pam's a realist.
Let's just see if we can get a real.
And I'll do this very quickly.
I don't have time for this.
I don't need your mom to say how good you are at dancing.
It doesn't mean anybody.
Ask her who she thinks is the better dancer between you and Jake.
Hey, mom, real quick, can you just, I'm in an argument with some people I work with.
you're doing well
yes I'm very well thank you
okay so do you remember that time
we were at that tapas restaurant
and they brought me up on stage to dance
yes how did I do
oh it was amazing
everybody was stopping on the street
and watching because it was all open
yeah and it was really good right and I don't know
how to do that sort of dance
no but you were absolutely amazing
everybody was drinking sangria
and you created a wonderful atmosphere.
I did.
Can I just ask a quick question?
Do you think that that is a dance I'm familiar with,
or I just kind of picked it up and I sort of, yeah.
No, you just picked it up.
I don't think any of us could believe how marvelous you were.
Sorry, we're trying to get out of this very quickly.
But out of Jake and I, who do you think is the better dancer?
Oh, gosh, I wouldn't know because I don't know Jake for dancing.
I just know what's spinning all, spinning all.
wheel. Right. Okay. All right, mom. Thank you so much. Love you. Appreciate it. Bye-bye.
Question for you, Gary. Enjoy the show. No. Enjoy the show. You don't get to edit, you maniac.
What do you think that call with your mommy proved? For real.
That I had a marvelous pulled up from the audience impromptu dance session at a tapas restaurant and everybody was impressed.
You heard her. People on the street. You heard her.
Stop to watch the spectacle. Like,
Yeah, it's me.
A boy jumped up on stage who doesn't know to don't call her again.
I really, I might need to.
Don't call her again, Garrett.
It's not proving what you think it's proving that your mommy goes.
Enjoy the show.
No, you're not editing it.
Your mommy goes.
Your mommy goes, there was a dance step and Gareth did it and people were walking by.
And a little eight-year-old boy was going like this.
I'm a magarina.
And you go, I was.
That means I look good.
I was a maniac.
26.
Wait, hold on.
I got my mom on the phone.
Hey, Mom.
Are you trying to see whose mother you could get on the phone?
Well, Mom, you're on the podcast,
and I'm in a debate with people I work with.
Oh, okay.
Hey, Mom.
Do you remember when I did that breakdancing competition outside of McDonald's?
Oh, yes, I do.
Can you tell Gareth and Natalie about it?
there was a competition
McDonald's held
trying to
allow people in Winneka
to like McDonald's
so they had a break dancing
competition in the parking lot
and Jake insisted on going
he had a Michael Jackson
jacket
and he went into the
competition
and he danced and danced and danced
And all five of the people watched him.
That was the end.
And, Mom, who won that competition?
Well, I think you're the only competitor.
Mom, who won that competition?
I think it's you and I have.
Mom, who won that competition?
I guess Jake won.
I love you so much, Mom.
I'll talk to you really soon.
Goodbye for now.
And without further ado.
No, I thought, okay, you're right.
Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu.
Yep.
We are also having our back catalog is going to be on Hulu.
That's right.
We're going to be about 20 at a time.
So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu.
Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies?
No, and you can get season one, season two.
We're going to have a nice Malong.
on Hulu, but the day early.
I mean, there's a lot of advantages.
Here's another thing.
Here's another thing.
People going, well, I don't have Hulu.
You got YouTube?
Because we're there too.
Yeah.
Hulu a day early.
YouTube for stragglers.
And also, you go, I don't have that.
Well, we got Patreon.
Yeah.
And they go, I don't have that.
What do you want?
Yeah.
Okay, Jake.
We're trying to be inclusive and you're yelling at them.
But I think you're right.
It's just, look.
Watch this show anywhere.
There's a lot of options.
Hulu's early.
Hulu's early.
Audio day of, YouTube day of,
Patreon, no ads.
Here's the way to remember it.
Hulu, new, so Nulu.
It's not the way to remember.
They also have back catalog stuff.
Okay, then that we call...
Yeah, all right, it's falling apart.
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Hello?
Hello.
Hey, how are you?
Hi.
Doing great.
How are you?
Good.
Can we get your name, please?
My name is Alma.
Alma.
I think that's a sponsor, too.
Alma's a sponsor?
It definitely used to be a sponsor.
It did.
Okay.
I don't remember what it is, but I remember that name.
Alma, where are you calling from?
Therapy.
Therapy, that's right.
I'm calling from Boston.
Boston.
What are you doing, Boston?
I do political consulting.
Political consultant?
Yes, I do.
Pretty cool.
And how old are you roughly, Oma?
I'm 23.
I'm just a kid.
What's your favorite band of all time?
The Beatles.
Okay, classic.
You got a new girl special today.
You got the great Hannah Simone,
and you got the great Lamorne Morris.
Guys, this is real.
What's up?
What's up, guys?
Are you listening to the mess around their podcast yet?
I've seen a couple, heard a couple.
You better get back into it.
They're in a good groove.
Okay.
Okay, I will.
We got a lot of racist stuff.
They have no racist stuff.
I'm going to love it.
But if you're into new girl, you listen, you're a fool not to check it out.
Alma, take away.
What is the issue today?
Okay, so we have a pretty intense issue that's affecting my life a lot.
So basically, me and my, I know, I'm like, oh, she's 23 years old.
That's true.
You're definitely a mom now, by the way.
For sure.
I'm like, come on, baby.
Tell me what you need.
What do you want?
It's okay.
Oh, honey, child.
It's about eggs.
Honey, chat.
The eggs are fine.
It's not about the eggs.
Sorry, Alma.
Okay.
Continue.
No, don't apologize.
So basically, me and my two best friends just moved to Boston in September.
And we live on, like,
Like, not the best street safety-wise in the entire world,
which we realized after we already moved in.
And there's a jewelry store, two doors down.
And basically there's a security guard who sits outside in a roly chair.
Okay.
He's, like, in his 40s, 6 foot 5, like 300 pounds.
And his name is Mamba.
And obviously, I wanted Mamba.
He's black, right?
And so obviously I wanted to befriend him.
Because why wouldn't I?
And so, you know, it's been a couple months of us being like, Mama, my guy, like, what's up?
And, you know, I think that he took my friendliness as flirtiness.
And I know this because he asked to come up for drinks in my apartment, which is a little scary because he knows exactly where I live.
It's a big gentleman to do that too.
And, you know, I was like, ah, Mama, like not right now.
Sorry.
But then he texted me later.
How do you get, hold on.
Hold on.
Alma, you're jumping.
How do you get your phone?
Well, nothing's wrong.
Hannah.
How do you get your number, girl?
Hannah, I had to give him my number.
You did not have to do anything for this man.
So how did he, how did that happen?
Well, he asked me for my number.
He just asked you straight up, can I get your phone number?
Yes, he did do that.
Okay, but how did it happen?
Like, you guys are chatting?
It was in the same interaction.
He was like, can I get your number?
And I was like, sure.
Because, you know, it's nice.
He's like, he's like our own personal bodyguard on the street.
Like, it's nice to have some muscle.
There have been a couple times where he's, you know,
the street isn't the safest.
So he's like kind of, you know.
Okay.
It's been nice to know that he's next door.
So after I give him my number,
He asked him for drinks, texted me a couple things.
Wait, you know, not my question is.
Hold on, what couple things did he text you?
So he WhatsApped me then.
He WhatsApped, okay.
Oh, wait, do we have him here?
Yeah, I sent a screenshot.
Okay.
Mamba.
So he wrote Nice, and then he wrote Mamba.
Then you did two shaking hands,
and he did two glasses of drinks with Papa?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
You thought that was him asking you out?
Yeah, maybe he's saying cheers.
No, no.
He asked me downstairs.
And then I said, oh, maybe not right now, Mom, but I'm like, and then he texted me this as soon as I walked away.
Okay, nice.
Okay.
And then drinks and you just gave you like a cheers.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
So ever since then, I've just been avoiding him at all costs.
Like, I cross the street.
I pretend I'm on the phone.
Like, I put on a hat, you know, a lot of things just because it's just not a great situation.
So basically my question is, how do I keep Mamba as kind of like a fun neighbor and some muscle on the street, but to have like a just friend's relationship with him?
Lamar.
I got two options.
Either you show up with an even blacker Mamba.
That's what I said.
You got to get a fake boyfriend.
You got a fake boyfriend who's even taller and blacker.
It was a big lot.
You got a task rabbit, a big fake boyfriend.
Or tell him, or tell him you're a lesbian.
Or tell him you're lesbian.
and then your girl shows up
and she's strong.
Okay, well, she's strong.
Yeah, you need a big strong partner.
She's strong, like, you know what I mean?
Like, she got wide back.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, she, she moved you around
when you ain't trying to be moved.
Right.
You know what I'm saying?
She turned furniture over when y'all making love.
Okay, yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
You're just like a very strong woman with a walk back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't think we need any of that.
Gorilla hands.
Okay.
You know what I'm saying?
No, I'm listening.
You do somebody
like,
are you playing a softball
with her?
She don't have a mitt.
She just catch a raw.
She just catch that baseball
and stuff on a raw.
She eats raw chickens.
She's raw chickens.
She drank the blood.
That's cool as fun.
You show up at one of them,
Mamba gonna be like, uh-uh.
She just rips a brain.
That's a woman right there.
So you got two options.
You go to the football team?
I don't think they need to be bigger than Mamba.
Don't think so?
No.
I think it'd be hard to get someone
bigger than Mamba.
I think, you know, here's a third option, but I think we're all in the same zone.
You know what I would do?
I would walk up to Momba, have a girlfriend with you, and then go, can we get a guy's opinion
who's a friend?
And he'll go, of course.
And you go, you know, we love you, we respect you, we need your opinion.
He'll go, whatever it is.
And then you go, okay.
So my boyfriend who I've been with for two years, who I love, it says our anniversary coming up.
What should I get him that's really special and fun?
and describe him.
He's the best, you know.
You definitely want to marry him, all the stuff.
But you just don't even know what to get him
so that Mamba can go away from that he asked you out.
There's no weirdness.
And he could say like, you know what?
Maybe get him this and be like, oh, my God, you are the best.
Thanks, Mamba.
And then he goes like, both those women are taken.
So I have a little bit of a setback from that.
I have walked by with a.
boy who I was seeing before and introduce them.
I will say he's nowhere near Mamba's size.
So maybe that's something to do with it.
But I will also add that I know that Mamba has kids.
Yeah.
Doesn't mean anything.
He has kids?
Yeah.
But does he have a partner or just have kids?
I hope he doesn't have a partner.
Right.
But that's, who can't see it?
That's not changing mom.
He's not going to go like, I'm not trying to hook up with this girl on my street.
because I have kids.
Yeah, he don't care.
Yeah, what's their kids concern?
Mamba, ooh.
Damn, his name, you should have,
can I be honest with you?
You kind of walked into this one.
Yeah.
You befriended a guy whose name is a big black snake.
Like, that wasn't, that didn't let you know, like.
There might be trouble.
Yeah, yeah, boundaries from the beginning.
His name isn't David.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's not, it's not, it's not even like a, like a, a, like a strong name, like,
Bruiser.
It's something like that.
It's specific.
He's going to strike you.
I don't think that's his given name.
I think he chose that name to...
He's poisonous.
That's right.
He's going to go through the grass.
You're not going to see him and then he's going to strike you and you're going to die.
What do you think?
She says to want to...
No, I mean a mama.
She's already nervous.
I mean to snake.
Or you know what you could do?
Move.
No.
No, we're not going to move.
We're going to just friend zone mama.
I think we have to friend, but I think we know because it's a two-sided question,
almost.
in that you don't want to ruin the dynamic you have with them
because you like them and it's a nice thing cooking.
I really think the move is, or if it's not a long-term boyfriend,
you just met a guy you really, really like him.
Can he give you advice on what you want to do?
Because you're like, honestly, this guy might be the one.
I've never been into a guy like this.
So he, Mama just knows.
Okay.
Wait, I kind of want to flag.
flag it a little bit because the more you pull him into vulnerability and intimacy,
you know what he's going to be like?
I'm bigger better than that, man.
Watch me and wait.
Here's what you have to just do is you walk by with a guy, a friend of yours that's going to play along for one time.
And you just walk by with him and you go like, hey, mama, this is my boyfriend, Dave.
And then Dave goes, hey, mama, nice to meet you.
And you keep it moving.
I have an idea.
That's it.
That's interesting.
I have an idea.
Do you have one?
No, I was just going to say walk by
When he says his name
Says his name is like Cobra
This is Cobra
I got one
I got one that's a little bit weird
But I think it actually would work
Fart Machine
And now hold on
Get a fart machine
Hold on
Walk by him
Have it in your pocket
They're little squeezable things
And then go like
What's up mama?
And he goes like this
hey and then he goes how you doing and he go like good just had some like Mexican food
then he's like oh and then he's like where and then go like this oh sorry and then just as you're
talking with direct eye contact squeeze it so it's these loud and he goes like damn girl and you go like this
oh my god I just love letting him go and then one of them go like this oh something came out with it
and you go like this I just dirtied him and then go fuck it I'm leaving it in I'm going back to work with it
and he goes what and you go like I mean don't
there, it's disgusting.
No, Jake, the only problem
is, he might like it, he might
be into that. I was about to say,
Mama's in his 40s, he's got kids,
you're sharing all of these
things. Now that, just the sounds,
just the fart machine. He's just
be like, oh, I'll help clean you up.
Come with me. Yeah, people are
weird, man. You're right. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, you're not trying to engage.
Okay, right. We're trying to disengage
with the mama. I know that was going to be such a home run.
No.
Also, maybe you could
are weird.
No.
Because that is very clear.
You both, you were like,
no, no.
No, no.
I don't think I'm the weird one.
No matter what you say
that you think is nasty,
is someone's into it.
That's true.
We had a big conversation about
that I remember in our trailers
once in two girl, right?
I was like every disgusting thing.
There's somebody into.
Yeah, there's somebody into it.
No matter what.
That's true.
No matter what.
Yeah.
I don't, yeah, I think you, I just,
this one is,
this one feels a little bit more serious
than probably,
you would imagine.
But we're trying to make it
carefree for her.
Alma, do you feel unsafe at all with Mamba?
I feel safest
with Mamba around.
I was one time walking with one of my roommates
and this guy kind of like,
you know, approached us from behind
like screaming kind of
and Mamba was like,
you better back up.
And he, you know, he protected us.
So it's nice to have him around.
That's right. You want to keep him on side,
but you don't want the signals
to get confused.
So how do you do that?
Alma, what have you tried?
So I walked by
with a boy.
And I was like,
well, his name is Timmy.
Of course, it's fucking Timmy.
No one's afraid of little Timmy.
It's true.
It's a mistake.
Timmy out there.
Yeah, the more he's never going to recover from Timmy.
Yeah, Mama's all Timmy and he was like,
fine.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll let him watch.
That's all he wants to do.
Johnny out.
Yeah.
So you walked by with Timmy and he meets Mama,
Mama doesn't care.
Mama didn't care.
Okay.
And since then,
I really have just been avoiding it.
But he hasn't texting again since, right, Alma?
Oh, that's interesting.
No, he hasn't.
That's respectful.
Maybe he got it already.
Yeah.
So is there anything that he's done since the Popeye wine glasses?
Now hearing this, it feels like the fart machine would have been aggressive in one.
Yeah.
Because maybe he just took his shot.
Right.
It didn't work.
And he's chill, right?
He hasn't done anything else to imply that this is he wants more.
Well, he had this whole interaction with the text and whatever.
It was, he would sit outside on a roly chair.
But, you know, Boston gets cold.
Yeah.
So right as this happened, he started sitting inside.
And so, like, I was able to really avoid him.
Oh, but the weather's about to turn.
Guys, he literally sits like right outside of the door of my apartment.
in a rolly chair, like every single day.
Okay, so here's what it is.
If it gets warm and he's social again, it's great.
If he texts you and asks for a drink, you say, I'm not interested.
Yeah.
But I appreciate the offer.
And if he goes, can I come up to the apartment, go, you know, I live with two women
and we're not really inviting men up there.
Unless it's for lovemaking.
He's like, yeah, that's what I want to do.
You're like, oh, great.
I don't want no feelings.
Mamba?
I was just worried.
He's going to fall in love with me,
get all emotional.
But what do you think about being a straight shooter with him?
I mean, I definitely could.
My fear is just that he won't want to, like, have my back anymore.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Oh, I see what this is.
This is an episode of New Girl.
Explain how?
When you were doing all the things that a boyfriend would do.
Uh-huh.
Right.
But except for the emotional stuff.
See, you want him to protect you.
That's right.
You want him to, like, make sure you're good.
Yeah, you know what I mean?
And then, but, like, you don't want nothing else.
It's the friends with no benefit.
Oh, how about this?
Start bringing him food every once in a while.
Like a warm lasagna.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Now he'd quiet over there.
All the women.
All the women.
Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on.
You're trying to play Garfield now.
What's that the fuck?
fucking warm lasagna
out of nowhere.
Jesus.
Ain't no one playing that big pussy like him.
There's only one man
who could play that sarcastic little pussy.
That's Lamourne.
Oh, God.
No, but here's what I'm saying.
You bring something else.
The gift I'm giving you back is not sex.
But the gift I am giving you
for this friendship,
for protection,
is we, not just her,
all the roommates.
We just want to,
want to say thank you. You've been such a good friend to us. We feel safe around you.
This is it actually. Play up his ego. It's so nice having an older man like a dad around or an uncle.
And a dad, him? Yes. As like, you know, I just want to say mom, we know you have kids and we just
want to say like, we feel so safe around you. We feel like. We're one of your kids.
We kind of feel like in having you here, when we first came here, we didn't feel safe in the neighborhood.
But it feels like we have like a dad or an uncle. And we just want to.
say like you're the best and as a thank you we want to give you this and he goes oh you don't have
to do that and you go like now man you're like our uncle and we love having you around so much and
you make us feel so safe whenever we see you we just get so happy and so can we call you like
uncle mama or can we call you daddy i was but that but that idea i just have to say he would
feel like a dad to us, but don't say daddy.
Hello, you're like a poppy to us.
Hannah, do you think that would work?
I would just like to say, if you decide to go this route,
Amma, what you're going to write in the card or whatever you're going with this thing,
send it to us first.
Okay.
So that we can proofread it and look at it and everything,
because I think the reason why all the women in this room right now with me,
know that if somebody gets even the slightest idea,
they can take that little, you know,
inch and run a mile.
And then you're back in the situation
because you kind of fed into it,
which is, so you have to just be real,
you know, Alma, you're a woman.
But let's do, so Lamarne, for real for you.
There was a younger woman,
and you thought there was vivage.
And you said something like,
hey, we should get a drink,
and she goes, I can't.
And then she said to you,
hey, I just want to let you know
you've been so helpful to me.
I respect you so much.
Without having my dad around,
it's been so nice having you.
You feel like that,
not like my dad,
but like that role in my life.
And for me and these two other girls, we all really appreciate you like that.
I know what Lamarne's going to think.
What?
If he's like these attractive women in their 20s and they said that to him, a group of women in their 20s.
He's going to what?
No.
I don't think so either.
That would be it for, that would be that.
Yeah, the moment you say the word dad.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
If you have kids, you're like.
Because I'll be honest with you.
I get a lot of, the older I get, you know, you start perceiving, let's say, DMs differently.
When I was in my 20s, when girls would flirt, you could.
see it and you could tell it,
to tell exactly what it was.
Once I became, like, in my 40s and I would get these DMs,
the age range was kind of similar, mid-20s, early 20s,
and they would say stuff like, hey, like, you're like,
like, you're like, like, you're like, you know,
like where your kid, they make little bits like that.
I immediately throw that out with like, oh, these, they're not,
this is, they're not flirting with me.
They're legit in their 20s.
Or somebody would be like, like, dad, you did it.
Yeah.
I'm not thinking they're flirting with me.
I'm thinking they're little kids who grew up watching me.
Right, exactly.
You know, so when we were like doing the show,
they were children.
Totally right.
But if you've initiated and text that girl,
two glasses of wine implying you want to take her for a drink scene?
But then she flipped it on.
So he let out with a move.
Yeah.
But I'm not saying, not alone.
It's all you guys collect.
You can't have one on once with Momba.
You three go together.
Yeah.
And thank him and just say like,
hey, as three women out here,
like, we just want to let you know.
Yes.
You've been great.
Like, we just feel so much safer.
It honestly, we have that, like,
you just give, like,
we can tell you're a great dad.
Give him a mug.
Give him a coffee mug that says,
Dad of the Year.
This is great.
Yeah.
Just get him like, you know,
and then you start doing the jokes
where you can go like,
hey, dad, he can go like,
hello girls, get in safely.
Mm-hmm.
And then that flirtation.
If he's a decent man,
if he's a decent man,
that's a flirtation.
goes out of the window.
Okay, look, but we got to gamble a little bit
because she called in with the problem.
We're not saying start talking to mama, call him dad.
She's already in the shit.
Sometimes you've got to go through it a little bit to get out.
Yeah.
I mean, how do you feel about it, Alma?
I'm loving the idea of me and my two roommates,
Emily and Ruby going and, like, bringing the card.
As a team, I'm liking this team aspect.
It has to be a team.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you might not have to do the most talk.
Yeah, that's true.
Is he only have your number?
Does he have Emily and Ruby's number two?
No, he just has my number.
So then you talk the least.
You talk the least.
And stop giving your number out of randoms.
That's also the lesson here.
No more.
That's my thing.
Alma, really quick.
What is your number?
Lamar.
She starts giving.
He's a man in his 40s with kids.
Alma, we've gone through this.
Alma, you ain't learning shit.
I know.
We thought we had you
And then you said,
We have mama right here.
You failed the test.
Oh, no.
You got to move.
You got to move.
Sorry, next caller.
Alma, what do you think for real?
Because I think we might.
Natalie, what do you think of the lady?
Are you going to say afterwards this was crazy?
No, no, no.
I think the team effort is good.
Just be like, just be a little bit direct.
Like, appreciate you looking out for us.
Yes.
And, yeah, in the letter.
Yeah, in the letter.
Appreciate you looking out for us.
And we're so glad you have our back.
And leave it at that.
Don't really expand on it.
Yeah.
I agree.
But maybe the gift could have something to do with that.
Then it's like a shirt that says like,
thanks for having our back.
No.
Ooh.
Alma, can I ask you a personal question?
Do you, is your, is your dad in the picture?
Yes, he is.
Have your dad visit and make.
small talk with him. You know what no grown
man's going to do? Try to sleep
with your... Yeah, dad to be cool
with him. He's not going to hit on
the kids no more. And then say, wait, is this
a possibility of your dad near Boston?
He actually is in Boston.
He's in D.C. He's in D.C.
Does he ever come visit?
Yeah, he does. It's just
the concept of my dad
standing next to Mamba, my dad
is five foot
three. So? And
wears tie-dye shirts. And he's
my favorite person in the world, but him next to
Mama. They're going to love each other. But if he's not
about intimidation. But if he goes, yeah, we're not trying
to scare Momba. If he goes up to Mamba and just
says, you know, my daughter said
that
you've been a big help. There have been people
of harassing. You guys helped her and our friends.
And I just want to say, Father to Father,
thank you, kind, sir. There you go. Here's a
bottle of wine. Yeah. Oh,
yeah. Just want to say,
truly, I'm nervous that my daughter's
living here far for me and a big
thank you from dad to dad. That's right.
And then Mama goes like this.
My pleasure.
Yeah.
I can fit you in my little pocket.
That's the picture I want.
Is your dad in the tie-dye shirt?
My little elf.
And who knows?
Your dad and Mamba might end up becoming best friends.
That's all right.
And if it becomes a movie, I want to finance it.
Yeah.
But Mama, what are you going to do?
You guys are you going to do the note?
You guys are you going to go through dad or both?
I think the note lasagna route is really sounding good.
Yeah, there you go.
Maybe not lasagna.
Yeah.
My roommate does a really good banana bread.
Are you going to tell your friends to watch Lamorne and Garfield?
I'm excited about that.
That's right.
I'm playing Garfield.
Hey, Alma, so will you send us a photo of the letter and the lasagna or whatever you get?
And then if it works, maybe a group photo with Mamba?
Absolutely, I will.
This sounds like a big win.
Yeah.
This is a big win.
Thank you guys so much.
I'm such a big fan of both New Girl and the show.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye, Mom.
Good luck.
Thanks, guys.
Bye.
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Hello? Hello. Oh, hi. Hi. How are you doing?
I'm doing good. How are you? I'm good. This is Hannah Simone. I used to work with Mr. Jake Johnson.
Amazing.
That's so exciting.
He's screaming in the bathroom.
If you hear screaming, that's Lamar and Morris.
He's pretending to be moaning in the bathroom.
Let's ignore him.
Oh, Lord.
So what's your name?
We're going to go with the name Kelsey.
Kelsey.
All right, Kelsey, where are you from?
I am from California, but I live in New England now.
Okay. All right. And how old are you, Kelsey?
I'm in my late 20s.
Okay. And what is your favorite thing to do on a Friday night?
Ooh, good question.
Oh, my favorite thing to do on a Friday night.
Honestly, I'm a big fan of, like, cozying up in my, like, on my couch with my dog watching a movie.
Love that.
That might be my favorite thing to do. Some, like, homemade.
food or some like takeout.
Yes, that cozy life with
dogs and DoorDash. Sit down.
I think he's leaving. Oh, he's gone.
Bye, Lamarne.
Oh, bye.
Took a dumb and life.
Wow, wow, wow.
His exit imaginable.
Kelsey, you want to come on?
Just really quick.
What happened with Kelsey?
I don't know. Kelsey, you want to tell us what's going on with you?
Lamarne is back for a moment. He's back for a moment.
And he's had really the life-same of pictures of all our
calls today. We might need them. Kelsey, what do you
got? You got Lamarne here?
Are you asking me my question?
Yes.
Okay, so I'll give you my
question and I'll give you some background first.
Did you go to the bathroom and take a dump?
No, that was a quick dump, huh?
I don't know.
I don't deuce that fast.
I like to sit down romance the porcelain.
Oh, wow.
Shake my time, let it slide out.
Hey, anyway, go ahead.
What's your question?
Oh, God, Kelsey.
Let it slide out.
So,
here's my advice.
Here's my advice.
Always wipe from front to back.
It's more sanitary that way.
Honestly, that solves my problem.
She said that solves her problem.
By Lamar.
My Lamar.
Kelsey, what do you got?
So my question is, how do I get my fiance's mom to stop cat fishing people on Facebook
Marketplace?
Interesting.
What?
Some backstory.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I have been with my fiancee for seven years.
No, I haven't.
I've been together for six years.
And his mom, a great guy, his dad, a great guy.
Nice, Kelsey.
But she, like, loves Facebook Marketplace.
because mom loves Facebook marketplace, but she refuses to get her own Facebook.
Interesting.
And so she uses my fiance's Facebook for herself.
And like for context, he's in his late 20s and she's 70.
So it's a 70 year old woman talking through a 20, like 29-year-old man's Facebook.
Yeah.
And so and she, and I sent some screenshots to give you.
guys like a little flavor of some of the things she sends people but she will like literally say
like oh could you drop the price down a little bit because I'm like I'm kind of poor I'm in student
and like you could really yeah yes like she's not like sometimes she'll say like oh like this is for
my mom we're seeing her right now so we got some feeder style chair and she wrote please contact
if price drops significant because of very low budget.
Thanks for any consideration.
Wait a second.
First of all,
your 70-year-old future mother-in-law wants a gaming chair?
Sorry, I'm distracted for a moment.
That's a very good point.
She like, Minecraft, Fortnite, what's happening in their spare time?
She also got the price to drop.
I think he was getting it for her granddaughter.
Okay.
All right.
And then it says the seller reduced the price to $1.25.
The seller reduced the price to $100.
Yeah.
So.
Okay.
Now here's what I'm missing.
Here's what I'm missing, Kelsey.
Yeah.
She's using the account.
I thought when you said catfish as a fan of catfish.
Huge.
Huge.
Huge fan of catfishing, yeah.
I think I watched every episode.
Yeah.
I also watched the original documentary.
Same.
That blew my mind.
Okay.
My daughter's watched the show with me, too.
Really?
Yeah, to teach them.
That's exactly right.
You're the only person crazy like me.
Yeah.
Those people judge me.
I'm like, I want you to see.
No, no, you need to know.
The internet's terrifying.
Yeah.
So if they can't go on Robics, I go like this, somebody chatted you?
And they go, yeah, and they go, it was a girl.
And I go, huh, remember a catfish?
Yeah.
Could have been a seven-year-old dude.
Probably is.
Probably is.
So.
Okay.
So what is mom doing this?
That's so weird, Kelsey.
Yeah, that has a negative impact on your fiancé.
Like, is there any negative blowback from this?
She's not saying, like, let's send each other picks.
Yeah.
So, like, my thing is is that, like, he, like, some of the way she says things, like, it just, it makes him sound, like, crazy.
Like, if you were reading this, like, if you're reading some of these things and you were, like, looking at it, like, from a 29-year-old man, you'd be like, what is this guy, like, on on some of these things?
Like, like, why is he talking this way or why is he riding this way?
And I just, like, find it so strange.
And I, like, have been trying for you.
But, Kels.
Kels, is she crossing any lines?
Yeah.
Or she's just not using punctuation.
Because right now she's getting the prices knocked down and she's getting gifts for the grandchildren.
Hundreds of dollars down.
Yeah.
And she's not doing anything crazy.
She's not saying, like, well, I just got to say as a 29-year-old guy, like, one of the things about me is blank.
She's just saying.
And she's not going on his main page and, like, posting pictures or writing status updates, right?
It's just to hustle a price down.
I hate to say I'm totally with grandma
I'm totally with grandma
I'm right
I will say one of the things
like when she sent a message
to someone saying like oh do you know
like my neighbor and like oh I'm dropping
things off at like the school
like a 70 year old grandma dropping things off
at like an elementary school
is okay
but like a 29 year old who has no kids
dropping something by like an elementary
middle school
yeah but
is strange
you know what I mean like
and so like
I got
I hear that a little bit, actually.
I hear that.
So sometimes it might, she might not realize,
because it is very different.
A seven-year-old grandma could do almost anything.
Does, does her son, your fiancé, have, like, an issue with it,
or is uncomfortable or is put in situations that it's making him feel like it's a negative impact from this?
So I think I might be more annoyed than he is.
All right.
I got a pitch.
But, like, I, and, yeah, go.
ahead.
You got a catfish her back.
You got to start right into the account and make it get weird.
You got to offer to sell something that she's going to bid on.
So put something on Marketplace and then say to her, oh, I really love that.
It's just too expensive.
And she'll go like, I'll get the price down.
Start a dialogue with her.
And then it can go sideways.
Right?
Yeah.
So that she has to realize
I shouldn't be doing this.
Like in this sideways,
you could say something like,
whatever your fiance's first and last name is,
go like,
stop trying to bargain with me.
Like, let's say his name is like,
Ryan Jackson,
619 Washington Street.
I hate you.
And then she's like, no, no, no.
And then he's like,
I'm going to ruin your credit, Ryan Jackson.
She doesn't really know how all this works.
Sure.
So we can put the fear of God that this guy is going to steal your fianc and then it goes,
you better write to her like, if this isn't the real you, I'll get you for fraud or whatever.
So she just goes like, I got to start my own Facebook.
Sure, get off of this one.
Or I have an idea for the next holiday coming up, the gift you're getting her is you set up an entire Facebook account for her.
So she probably just doesn't know how to do it all with passwords.
Is there a reason?
Yeah, she doesn't have her own?
Like, does she have Facebook?
Her own Facebook account?
I did.
I did suggest this at like a family meal probably like a year ago because we were talking about like I was I was like lightly trying to make fun of her like oh how like I saw you got the price down on that like here by pretending like that Connor was trying to buy something for his like for his like mom who I got a surgery or something.
and she was like, oh, yeah, ha-ha, like, I love Facebook.
Like, it's a great way.
And I was like, oh, like, maybe we should make you your own Facebook.
Ha-ha, like trying to lightly say that.
And she's like, oh, no, that's okay.
I'll just keep using his.
And then that's just how it ended from there.
And then he, of course, didn't back me up.
So it just kind of left it there.
So I have tried that.
I got an idea.
Because I'm going to assume she's not great at technology.
Right.
Right.
This is where you relate deeply.
I'm assuming part of her is like, I'll just do this.
Yeah.
Here's what I would do.
Create one that's the same name but put like a weird period somewhere in it.
Same picture.
Same everything.
Tell your fiance to change his password, then tell his mom, oh, mom, I got hacks.
I changed my password.
Give her the new one and the new password.
And so she signs on.
It's exactly the same.
She thinks she's on her son's
Facebook account, but it's just her
account. She doesn't realize it changed.
He just goes, yeah, I had to change
my password, so this is the new password, and then
she'll go like, what?
And go like, a lot got lost,
but there was like some bug in the thing, but
just use this. And then when she's on,
she'll go like, but that one thing
wasn't there that I liked and go like, I know,
it was a weird bug mom, so like a lot of the friends
got erased, the messages are gone,
but we just got to start over.
Will your fiance go along with that?
Maybe.
You do it.
I think I could get to go along with that.
You do it.
True.
True.
I could totally do that.
And it's simple.
We see them.
Yeah, like I can make, like I can do all the making of it.
Like I think he would just need to go along with like telling her he was like hacked and like make her change it and like give her than your password.
But Kelsey, you could do it via text that you write the text and you just, he sends it from his phone.
Hey, Mom, my Facebook, my face, hey mom, my Facebook account got hacked, sucks, a lot got deleted.
Next time you log in, use this username and this password, and then we're back in.
Love you.
Also, does your fiancé have brothers and sisters?
He has an older brother who's like pretty significantly older.
Oh, I was about to say, you could also just tell the older brother and be like, can you take over this for mom?
and can she log into yours.
It's got a bugging me.
What's happening you in?
It's your turn.
We've been the catfishing for a while.
Now you're in.
I would call my brother
if it was starting to bug me or whatever
and be like, bro, you're in.
Because here's what I will say.
The reason why I find
it's difficult for me to relate
to this whole situation is I come from like an Asian family.
Okay?
You're not telling the mother nothing.
Like, we belong to them.
They're going to do whatever they want.
You think it's your Facebook?
I made your whole body.
You don't know what I mean?
I'm going to do whatever I want to do.
There would be no rationale that would crack through.
but you can get another sibling to be like,
it's your turn.
It's just your turn now.
So, Kelsey, what do you think about,
I like what Hattna is saying?
What do you think about passing the buck
or what do you think about new Facebook page?
Yeah, just a shadow account for her.
Shadow account.
So it's either past the buck or shadow account.
And then she doesn't even know what happened.
She's got a new info.
Yeah, I don't think his brother even has a Facebook,
but it probably wouldn't work for that.
Like, so I would either have.
The layers of inception.
No way Facebook.
and have her takeover that or make a fake Facebook for him and do that that way.
So I like, I actually like making a different Facebook because I was thinking at one point,
like, oh, like we should say that you got hacked and then like make her her own.
But I think she would actually respond better.
It's like not even just like, oh, sorry.
I think she likes using her sons.
For sure she likes using her sons.
I think there is a thing that she.
But she likes getting a deal.
Yes.
That's right.
If they see a seven-year-old woman on there, they're going to rip her off.
That's exactly right.
That's going to be her experience.
And they're a little bit afraid of a 29-year-old man, and she's like, I like that.
Yeah.
So she's doing it to her advantage.
What did you say for someone who just got out of surgery for her grandchildren?
Why don't we get her a photo of Mamba?
He's getting great deals.
But I think this could work, Kelsey.
No, I think so, too.
I think that's good.
I think I would definitely have to do the legwork because I think if I brought it up to him,
he'd be like, just do it yourself.
But I am more than happy to do it myself if I mean she's up.
Okay.
Will you then do this?
Will you send us a photo of the new one and the old one?
Because I wanted to look exactly the same.
Just find a way to make it a little bit different in the username
that's something that wouldn't throw her off.
Same pictures.
If you got to like upload whatever, I don't have Facebook,
but whatever he's got, you've got.
Yeah.
And then text her the info so that she can text you back.
And you could do it via text.
You also can sit next to her.
at the next dinner and log her out and relog her in.
Right on her phone.
That's exactly what I'd have to do with you.
Give me your phone.
I got hacked.
I'm still going to get you all the things.
I got you.
That is the move.
You got to do it.
You just say like...
Yeah.
No, you're totally...
You just say like, hey, you're totally right.
You go, hey, his phone got hacked.
It's really annoying.
We got a new password to get in.
And she'll go, huh?
And you go, can I just have your phone for a second?
I'm going to do something.
And then she goes, what are you doing?
I'm logging you out and logging you back in.
And then you go, there is going to be a little difference.
You're going to lose some probably messages.
But the whole thing got bugged.
Yeah.
And you go like this.
Okay.
Yeah.
One of those forced updates, you know.
Forced updates.
My, like, only worry is, like, if someone else who's not him, like, sees, like, another Facebook account that's, like, very similar, but not the same that someone else would, like, try to mark that as suspicious.
Nobody's going to see it.
No one cares that much on Facebook.
No, but also all this woman's going to be doing is messaging a few people about chairs.
That's right.
She's not going to be posting all the time.
Yeah. She's going to ask people to lower deals.
It's annoying, but it's the lowest stakes humanly possible.
That's true.
And if it happens to get shut down, she'll go, I think the bug happened.
That's right.
Forrest up day.
And then they're like, oh, Facebook is so.
And then go, you know what we should actually do because his is now getting hacked a lot.
Let's just start your own.
That's right.
But let's just put a picture of him and say you're 29.
Yeah.
Let a catfish.
Let's get a catfish is gaming chairs.
I like it.
You're going to do this?
Yes.
No, I think that's a great idea.
Great.
Will you send us the photos of it?
Yes, I definitely will.
I'll email it.
Kelsey, thank you for the call.
Thank you.
Hey there, guys.
My name is Luke.
and I was a season one caller.
I originally called for help,
putting together and promoting a new idea
I had for an annual themed party in L.A.
called suits and wigs,
in which people would get together wearing nice suits
and just some silly-ass wigs.
Jake and Gareth were great,
and we created a website using Squarespace to help promote it,
and it was a huge success.
We had people coming into LA driving from like three, four hours away, you know, just to come and meet up and have a good time.
We did not end up doing it last year just to just do to some logistics stuff.
But this year we are back.
And I wanted to invite anyone in the greater L.A. area from the we're here to help community to come out Saturday, June 6th at all-season brewing in Los Angeles.
The only rule is you have to be wearing a suit and a wig.
So interpret that however you see fit.
And all season is a great venue.
We had the first one there and they have a full bar plus Mexican food and
mocktails and non-alcoholic beer.
So you don't have to even drink if you don't want to.
But I would just love to meet more members of this community.
And of course, anyone associated with the show is welcome to come out and have a good time too.
So yeah, Saturday, June 6th, 7 p.m. at all season brewing.
suits and wigs is back
would love to see you guys there
you can also DM me directly
at Luke Stanaway
or you can find us
on the internet I don't
have the login anymore for the
Squarespace website but the website
is still there and we're on
Partyful 2 if you have access to that
otherwise just come out
Saturday June 6th
and I hope you guys are all well
I still listen to every episode and I just
love this community. All right. Thanks. Bye.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.
If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at
Helpfulpod.g.m.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here
to Help help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire
catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers
Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis,
Associate producer Jesse Thurston,
editing mix and master by Chris Fowler.
The theme song by Oliver Raleigh.
The cover artwork is by James Fostike,
animations by Andrew Strelecki.
And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road,
go to Gareth Reynolds.com.
Remember all of the advice,
given on we're here to help,
is for entertainment purposes only,
and all listeners should be adults
and make their own decisions.
That was a hate gum podcast.
That was a hate gum podcast.
Hi, I am Mandy Moore.
Sterling K. Brown.
And I'm Chris Sullivan.
And we host the podcast, That Was Us, now on Headgum.
Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us.
That's right.
We're going to go episode by episode.
We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.
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That's what I'm hoping, man.
Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast.
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