We're Here to Help - 291: Corn on the Cob-lem and The box that keeps on giving.

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

Jake, Gareth, and big bro Danny J help a college student gain elite status in a corn eating competition. Then, they figure out ways for roommates to remember their beloved cardboard box. Plus, a follow up from Ep 231 "Scooter Cooter."See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-291Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. And we're just talking about. What you're just talking about. What, Jake? Locker rooms, male genitalia. Yeah. People who are listening to these

end shows a week apart are like, boy, they really's hanging on this subject. You know what we did in high school? I'm just remembering when Jerry Garcia was still alive. We were copying daysed and confused. Everybody's smoking great grass. We started doing like big nature hikes, and there would be a group of us

and we started experimenting with taking all of our clothes. So it'd be like four. Taking all your clothes off? Yes. Having a naked walk. Having like a naked frisbee, smoking joints, naked. This is pretty, guys, couple girls. Nothing.

Nobody's hooking up. But just being like, we're just sitting on the dirt with our underpants off. Did you see that show Neighbors on HBO? Yes, I loved it. The last episode, the Nudus Colony one. Yeah. I loved that show. I could see you ending up in that environment.

Could you do nudist? living, it seems like it. You know, the truth is probably depends. If the cards fell slightly different in my life, the answer is yes. Would the celebrity factor make it a no-go? Yeah, it'd be different. That's taking a lot of that away.

Yeah. You know, honestly, when New Girl first started, I had a moment with, I think it was Max that was really embarrassing from the way he looked at me. But I said, like, one of the worst parts about this is like, we're no longer anonymous. And he kept trying to say, like, what are you talking about? And one of the things I was thinking about was like nude beaches, nude volleyball.

Did you tell him? Did you tell him a little bit? We were hinting at it. You were hinting at it. I was like to say we. But he was picking up on it. Yeah, but he was like, oh, okay, you mean naked volleyball? She enjoyed it.

He finally going like, what are you talking about? What does you say? I want to go. There's saving an end without further ado card back then. It's a great way out. Let me tell you one random thing. But I've been talking with Samantha over a Patreon a lot. And we have a Patreon idea, which is we're going to find the biggest Patreon in Greenland.

And we're going to collaborate on a Patreon talk together. together to try to get our Greenland numbers up. She was like, I think I know who's popular in Greenland on Patreon. That's line it up. Line it up. Really a great idea. Yeah. So we're going to try to get our Greenland numbers up for like four.

Why don't we make it a life effort to do a live show in Greenland? Buddy. We did a dollup in Iceland. No, well, Iceland's so great. Great, but we did not, it wasn't like we were like, we're going to have so many, we just wanted to go to Iceland. I mean, we were in a huge venue. How was it? Being in Iceland was great.

Being in a banquet room that probably seats 400 for 75 people who were like not 100% on what we were talking about, a little more awkward. Is that true? Yeah. But we did it all to just write off the trip, but it was. It was a great trip, but the show was the part where you're like, I mean, some people loved it. Yeah, totally. It was just not.

But there's a language barrier. There was a language barrier. It was a very strange. I would love to do a live, we're here to help in a country where nobody speaks English. I agree. I agree. One thing, failed in the whole thing, an entire audience, nobody speaks a lick of it. And we're taking the calls, or we take the calls in a live show, but we hear the callers.

on headphones, and they only hear half of it. Or, you know what, I would love to get the UN translating earpiece. That'd be great. If we were just getting the calls and we were sitting there just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And then we were like, yes, of course. But they're translating for us. That'd be interesting. It would be a nightmare.

But I like the idea of it. I like the idea of having somebody translate to the, you know what I would like, actually? Go to a country, have two translators. One of them we put in a perm. One of them we make them like scowling the whole time. And they have to translate in real time as we're talking. The perm clip with Casey Wilson has hit quite well. And the funniest part is what I saw today is my face as I'm like,

this is coming back to me. I knew the perm conversation about her dad getting a perm. I was like, this is coming in my direction. By the way, the perm is gone. The perm is gone. Yeah. I'm going to say, I know a bunch of girls are going to say they miss it. You look great.

This looks way better. It wasn't a perm. It was curling cream. But I did in a ceremony recently. Oh, an ayahuasca ceremony. No. Oh, just one way. I looked at the curling cream and I said, I don't need this anymore.

I don't need this like it's a cape. Yeah, like it was a cape. Not that, no, what am I doing? I love how your version of it. What am I doing? It started eight months ago. It wasn't like you're hitting for 20 years. It was like the, you.

You can't like, landed in a Kansas barn. And four months later, go like, I don't need this anymore. Yeah. I decided I don't need it anymore. And I tossed it. I thought, yeah. Maybe I'll be back, but maybe not. Really emotional.

Yeah. Were you a little emotional? No. Just ready to move on. Sometimes I see clips that are posted from the perm days, and I think, yeah, maybe he was right. There was a clip of my stand-up posting where, I'm in purple pants with that hair and I was like, yeah.

Moma got away from me. I was in my mid-40s. My equivalent of that is every once in a while, I'll see a clip where I've let myself get bigger. I see those of myself too, yeah. And I'll go like, I let things go for a little bit there. That's a big boy.

Dude, when I pack for the road, there are, I bring, I have to try pants up before I go. And this last one, Dude, eliminating pants to get to the big fat boys were the only ones I could barely fit into it. I was going, and I was like, I'm about to go on the road. This is going to be bad.

What's the next big tour? I'm off for a minute. I have a few months, and then we're trying to figure out when we're going to take the movie on the road. That's like the next thing. Oh, no way. Yeah, I have like literally a few months. I mean, I dip out a little bit, but for the first time in years.

This is good for you. You, man. I'm getting into those other pants. The special pants I wore for my special? Yeah. Dude, just Quince dream pants. If I put those on, I should almost for a Patreon extra, try to put those.

I mean, you know I'm a teasing guy. I like it. I promise you, you look good. You look good. When I take my special, I fit into pants and I was like, yes. Now you would, it would, you would roll, you would fall over. With me going like, like, not connect.

It was like, yeah, no. I wear shorts and sweatpants these days exclusively. I'm in underwear. All right, everybody. Enjoy. Everybody check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early. And there's also Back Catalog episode.

That's right. So we're here to help is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. So just join us. Let's go. And this podcast is sponsored by Veracity. I think this is going to have a lot more to do with the G-Man than it does me.

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plus $20 off when you go to butcherbox.com slash here to help. That's right, your choice of free surline tips, ground beef or chicken wings in every box for life, plus $20 off your first box and free shipping always. That's butcherbox.com slash here to help. Don't forget to use our links so they know that we sent you. Hello, welcome to the show. Would you please tell us, your name, where you're from, what your problem is? Because by the way, besides the exceptional dynamic duo of Jake and Gareth, you also get Jake's older, wiser brother, affectionately known as Danny Jay. Talk to us.

We're here to help. Hi. So my name's Emily. I'm from Pennsylvania. And my problem is, so the town I live in has a corn festival every year. and one part of it is they have a corn eating competition. So last year they needed participants. So I said, hell yeah.

And I participated. But I went in really cocky for having no preparation. I ate two pieces of corn in three minutes, which compared to like the eight, the winner eight was on 10. Wow. Yeah. So I kind of was like I need to actually win this year because it was my last year. That's cool.

Because I'm meeting. So my problem is I need help figuring out how do I train for a corn eating competition without just eating a bunch of corn. Because I'm in college. I don't have a college. I don't have a corn budget. Yeah, right. Right. I just, may I just say, Emily, I think this is the best launch into a problem pitch.

There was no small talk. This is the elevator. This is literally an elevator ride with time to spare. got that all out and clear, concise, perfect, and a great problem. So you need to learn how to win a corn eating competition. Awesome. Well, you've come to the right place. Obviously.

Emily, phenomenal problem. Obviously, Jake has a lot of experience eating corn in the cob. He's picked up a lot of tips and techniques along the way. And I think he's going to share the one with you, which is like kind of basic. But then we're going to get in the more creative stuff after this. Jake, when you eat your corn in the cob at Carson's and you go through three or four of them a night without a hitch, how do you do that?

Typewriter. Right. Dan, how would you explain the technique? It's pretty clear to most of us who've watched Looney Tunes. Right. The typewriter is essentially you take the corn on the cob, which is a cylinder, and you're going to do a plane at a time.

One left to right. You shift up. Never stopping. No, then right to left. Shift up left to right. You're swallowing as you're biting. But you're also letting it go on the side sometimes. That's where I'm...

You're beavering. I'm kidding. Because what this thing is not, you don't get weight. I wouldn't win that. But Emily, you're not getting weight at the beginning in the end. Imagine a beaver with a piece of wood. Yeah. What is the, uh,

officiating situation here. How tightly are they watching the niblets? So you've got to wait. So they have a bucket of corn in front of us. Sure. And they keep refilling it. The dairy princesses come around and fill it up with more corn. Quite a scene.

What are the dairy princesses wearing? Like they're full princess dresses and their crowns. And this isn't, what kind of town in Pennsylvania? This is wild. This would be fun. Yeah. When is it? Should we send Berg to it?

Yeah, without question, Berg should go to this. Keep going, but yes, Berg is there. It's in like lower Pennsylvania, more like southern Pennsylvania. Bird goes to Pennsylvania a good amount too. Right away. This is the competition? Yeah, when does it take place? Maybe try to get Steve Berg into it to compete against me.

I think it's the last Saturday in August, I think. We got to- He's available. He is available. So now back to you, because this isn't about us sending in a ringer to beat you. This is us coaching you. But what it could be is. one of us is your coach, one of us is Steve's coach,

and Dan is playing both sides of the fence. Right. And we definitely need more rocky music for the training. It's exactly what I was thinking of. Yep. Yeah, this is awesome. I know, but let's put that to the side. Really nice.

But let's put that to the side for now. Emily, talk about your technique. Talk about what you've tried. Talk about where you're at. Talk about who's there who's good. Well, also, Emily, tell us another problem with the corn that you mentioned in your email. So my, the corn was piping hot, which was not great. I didn't anticipate that they were serving, like, fresh out the boiler hot corn.

Yeah. So that was, like, terrible on the gums. I had also just got my braces off. So, you know, why not celebrate with eating some corn on the cob? Sure. But, you know, I can't lose because, like, my friends of all, you know, they're picking on me, so I really need to make sure I win. So, okay, so everybody's dealing with hot court? Everyone.

It's a lot of amateurs. Okay. A lot of amateurs. Then they're like, you know, you get one person who's like done this their whole life, you know. There were like two people who were just straight, like going at it. I was rewatching the footage, the play-by-play. Nice. And it was crazy.

Are you telling me They don't have corn in the cob in college, Emily? We do, but not in the dining hall or anything. Really? No. No, we don't. I don't go to like Yale. We have corn off the cob.

I don't go to Yale. That's the best. I don't go to Yale I've ever heard. I don't go to Yale. We've got corn off the cop. At Yale, you just imagine everybody going like, Is your corn on the car? More comp, sir?

You gave me a bowl of corn that's off the... I got to eat a hell for fuck's sake. A shocking University of Oxford defeated us in the rankings this year. Bring me in the table. I mean, that's hilarious, Emily. But let me ask you a quick question. You allowed to use a fork and a knife?

I don't think we were provided. with a fork in a knife. I thought about that method. You know, because we get a water bottle, you get some salt and you get some pepper. And then you just get corn. Okay. Here's my first pitch.

I got a pitch too, go. You take the water, you douse the corn to cool it. Ooh, that's a good one. Corn in front of you. You asked for ice water before. It's a technique. It's only bottled, though. That's fine.

I was going to be cold enough. I think if you, I was going to suggest something similar, bring some ice. Put some ice in the water when they give it to you. I feel like a... I don't cheat. I don't know. I'm like a cheating.

You feel like it's... Okay, how about this? How about this? Cap teeth. Oh, everything's cheating. I love it. This is like... It's not necessarily cheating.

Show me the rules. I do think... I like that. And I also think where we were sniffing around earlier, they're not going to know how much you put... corn, eating corn, there's a lot that comes off of the cop. Even if you're at Yale.

Even if you're a Yali. That's how they do it. They eat like 25% of the niblets at best. It's a mess. Yale cafeteria is disgusting. Now, the people who won, there was one person who won. Was there anyone close to putting up the numbers

like the person who won? It made it sound like there were a couple maybe. I think that might have been a tie and they had to have a corn eat off, but the one person caved in and said, I can't eat anymore. So it would be close to having to be a corn eat off. Hmm. All right. I got a pitch, too, when you're ready. All right.

So, like, I think the typewriter, it's as outdated and archaic as that writing instrument. I think it's time to go to the Pac-Man. You take the Cobb and you chomp across the environment. entire, like, radius of it. This is insane. Right? So you were talking about going like this? No, no, no.

No, no. I don't hate what you just did. That's it. You took a turn that I'm not willing to follow. Fair. I like it. I thought you were talking about the insertion scrape out. Yeah.

What a. Well labeled. Well labeled. I think the. The only time you hear more teeth. And that they do at Yale. I think you're, You're doing it perpendicular to your face, right?

But you chomp the entire cob. You're scraping top and bottom, like gently just to get the niblets out. And then in the middle, you chomp down. Do you swallow most of the niblets? No, you don't care. But the point is you're trying to do like three, four, five chumps to a half and then flip it over three, four, five champs to a half. You're done. You're done.

If you do the typewriter Right? Go ahead, Emily. We did try. So I've got five pieces of corn last year. And with each one, I tried a different method for each one. So I did, and I timed them to see what the best of the most efficient timing was. It was bleak looking in because, you know, I only had a minute for my best score.

Yeah. But I did like the typewriter. I used a lot of the rotating typewriter where you do like a diagonal across. I even tried with my retainer on to see if that would help. Wow. You should have called this last year. I would just, purely from an orthodontic standpoint. So let me ask you a question, Emily.

First of all, how old are you? I'm 20. You're 20. Okay. And at this point, the braces and the retainer are gone? My question is this. You got any metal in your mouth? Not anymore.

I'll have a different retainer, but it won't be the same. We'll provide any advantage, I don't think, anymore. Well, we don't know that for sure, because what we're looking for is if you naturally have a little bit of metal in your mouth, maybe we can use it as a scraping device. Right. Maybe secret. But, hey, retainers aren't cheating. Retainers are part of the mouth. Totally.

So if the retainer right before you started, you used your tug, are you pushed a right? were slain her forward so that the metal part was sticking out and you just went scrape like you're literally painting the wall and you're scraping all the, like you got imagine the corn like one of those

walls that have stucco on it. Yeah. We're trying to get all the stucco off. So you need a tool. That's what the tainer's for. It's like a prisoner with a shiv in your mouth. Yes. Now calling it a tainer. Go ahead.

I think I could be possible. I don't know how my mom would feel about that. Don't worry about your mom. We'll handle it. Are we worried about your mom or we worried about winning? Don't worry about your mom. We're going to handle your mom. We're worried about the history books. But so I think the hardest part was, yeah, swallowing the corn because you get too much of the corn off, then like, you got, like, I don't want to choke on corn either.

No. So that was definitely a tricky part. We're going to chew it, yeah? So one thing we can't help you with it 20 years old is how to chew, God, corn here, kid. We're not talking about choking on the goddamn corn again. We're going to assume you know how to eat. I might lead us in a wild direction where even these two lunatics will pull me back from. All right.

Are you ready? Yeah. You ready? Yeah. I want you to sneak in a couple prop cobs. I want you to have pre-eaten cobs, two to three of them. And you're going to over the course of the competition, toss two or three. of the fake cobs, the prop cobs, in the bucket.

So at the end, they're going to have a couple extra cobb props that you tossed in. Gareth, you're like a... I'm a little scared of the dairy princesses might rat me out, though. I got to say, I'm not into the cheating here, Emily. I agree.

And I just think... I want to win on my own ballot. Me too. Can I give you a pitch? Same here. Here's what I really think, actually. So walk me First of all

I've got to quit This pitch is in the questions first How many pieces of corn won last year And how many did you eat? I think it was somewhere between Maybe like seven or eight I ate two Seven or eight as a winner

Is not hard to beat How long do you have? So it's in August So I have about four months No how long is the actual eating competition Oh You have three minutes Okay

So and once a cob is cleaned you drop it into bucket you go on to the next then at the end they count how many you have right so I watch a lot of terrible television and one of the things

I watch is man versus food where yeah way too many episodes of it I would argue I've seen every episode of the show and I don't even know if I like it I'll tell you I don't like it and I've seen everyone and I don't like when the host is being, like, funny and doing, like, gang signs.

I completely agree. He's like, the amount of talk to camera? People versus food west side of the eating of my mouth versus the east side. I'm like, you're a heavy guy eating corn on the cow. When we made eating athletics in this country, I think that was a bad move. That's a huge mistake. But that's not what this is about. No.

So here's what I'm saying. All we need, Emily, is seven goddamn pieces of corn. And what that show does is, and here's what you and everybody else are doing wrong. You're trying to do everything at once. So, for example, it starts. The first thing you do, pour water on eight pieces of cop, cools everything down. It takes a second. People go, what is she doing?

She's not even eating. I'm strategizing, you stupid dopes. Okay. Idiots, you smell a town dopes. Hey, take it easy, Jake. Trust me. These are her peers and friends. She's not going to insult them because she's not a yally.

I'm cooking. Then, after 15 seconds, Emily, here's what you do. You create a beaver-type overbite. Just scrape on a plate. Hold the plate like a bib under your chin.

Scraped the corn. Scraped the corn. Don't eat anything. With the retainer. If you can, if not, if we're afraid of mom, use your goddamn teeth. But here's what we're doing, Emily.

We're not eating a bite of corn. We're creating a pile of corn on a plate. Dang. Throw it away. Throw it away. Till you've got about a minute left. At that point, you have a pile of corn and seven cobs, 95% empty.

Then when you look and there's a minute remaining or a minute and 15 remaining, baby girl you shove that corn and like it's your life depended on it and guess what? You may not go to Yale, Emily, but at your college, you can get unlimited corn in cups so you can practice every freaking

fucking day. And the way... I think that might work. And Emily, here's how you practice, though. It's important how you do it. Create a pile, put the plate at your mouth, do not let your peers see you because they will copy the technique.

Take two fingers together like a little hockey stick and learn how to shovel it in. Without the tongue. Because the tongue would blow. Oh, like this. The plate goes at the bottom lip. Emily, the plate goes

bottom lip. Two fingers. Get low on the table. So you might want to get low enough that you don't even have to hold the plate. Go two fingers. Hung, shuffling, shovel in, shoveling. Like pinball. Like, like you're playing pinball. Yes.

I think that might work. I think the cooling down the corn of the water, I think, is definitely going to be plus the retainer helps avoid the whole, like, it's too hot anyway. Also, in Jake's pitch, the corn is going to be out of your mouth pretty quickly and onto the plate. So you're going to have a cooling time. It's going to cool down. But you just don't want to burden yourself early. It's like if you need to do a chug-in competition and it's too cold,

it's the cold that makes you quit sometimes. Yep. So everybody who starts is going to go like, my mouth kind of hurts. This sucks. And you're going to go, I'm prepping. Yeah. If you do it, though, and you take your water and you spill it on the corn and you wait, I think it's important that you stand up while they're all like idiots doing the typewriter method.

And you look at them with contempt and disdain and say, I am about to win. Or. Or you go real hammy and you pretend to sleep. Like, boring. Okay. Check your watch. Then might I suggest we wear the old-timey three stooges sleeping outfit?

Then with a minute left, you be like, yeah, an alarm goes off. You go to work. But Emily, here's what you can do to practice. as part of your diet as a 20-year-old girl, every day you get a bag of frozen corn at night with dinner, you shovel it into your mouth using your fingers. Yeah.

And you go faster and faster. See if you can eat an entire cooked bag. It's got to be warm. You've got to get used to it. See if you can eat an entire bag in 30 seconds. I like how the pitch really eliminates the cob from the paris. problem too. So why it's practiced

more feasible. Jake calls it a coblem because that's what it is. It's an issue. It's a hurdle and now we're eliminating it. And Jake is, Jake, if you can see him right now,

he's nodding his head. He agrees with coblum as a term that we're using. He's a gift from God, Gareth. It's a gift from God. He's happy about it, obviously. Most people don't do think, I do think as insane as all this sounds,

if you just cob the plate and you go hockey style, see how much you can ram in there, get better at that. And also once a week you practice scraping. Yeah. But Emily, what do you think about starting to do some

practicing and filming yourself doing it? Sending it to us, we'll have Kyle cut some of these together, we'll put some music to it, but what do you think about you start training and sending us videos as you go, just email them in

and we'll kind of build this up until August. I like that. I definitely could do that. Okay. I think it'll, yeah. I mean, I go to school for videos, so it'll be a... Oh, then you cut it.

Then this is, you know what? This is an internship, pal. Hey, this is an assignment. Because you're the magician. And guess what I'm saying? You keep doing this. You're going to be the corn cob princess. Yes, those dairy princesses.

They're useless. Yeah. You can handle this. Corn cob princess. Agreed. But here's what we're looking for, Emily. I want you to do one. obviously this week

where I want you to get actual corn on the cob and see how long it takes you to do seven or eight's the win time yourself, try the technique, film it with a timer in the background so you're like, it took me nine and a half minutes. And I think it'll be good to see...

It'll be good to see the pile of it off the cob so you know if a bag of frozen corn is a one-to-one. What that represents? Yeah, right. What exactly is that pile? How enormous? Not enormous.

Let's see. Emily, how are you feeling? I think we're going to, we'll be weighing in before you get there. We'll have you back on a couple times if you're making these videos. And the other thing. Let's see it. Just one more pitch.

I'm not sure about the pinball machine. It might work. I'm not against it. But I think there's something to like the motorboat. and you just dive right into that pile. It could be much fast. Show Mommy how the pigies eat? Right.

Just dive into the pile of corn immediately. And if some of them get in the ground, we don't care. The dairy princes don't care. Well, there's also... If there's too much, there's going to be something that they say we call hogwash. There's also the technique that if you get a paper plate... This is a skill. You got a skill too.

You could tube it up, roll it like a burrito and pour it down your throat, as these two brothers have a feud that were in the middle. of. That's not bad either. You could roll the plate and sort of pound it in. Oh, because it's paper. Hey, Garrett, do that motion again, brother? No, I won't, buddy.

Go ahead, Emily. Can we clip that motion? You got one earlier. Yeah, I'll clip it with yours, Jake. That's my dad attack. Yeah. Natalie, jumping in with, yeah, I'll clip it with yours. So nasty.

So, Emily, I feel like we call you, Mo. She's the real Mo. She just clunked our heads together. I pretend to be Mo. I'm the, I'm Carly. No, no, you're Larry because you're like, I'm in charge. But Natalie's Mo and I'm just, the guy's like, my head hurts. That's exactly right.

Okay, so, Emily, tell us what you're going to do here. Because I think we're winning here, but what matters is is you. So tell us what's happening. walk us through what you're going to do starting tonight. I think I'm going to do what I did before, you know, really really hone down the method, you know, what method is quickest, what method of scraping is the quickest. Okay. And then I think from there start practicing that one specifically and then also practice

the actual eating of the corn regularly. I love it. So see how long it takes you to eat that pile. Yep. Great. It just feels to me like we're, you know, sort of like three men and a little lady. And we're like, you know what our little five-year-old's going to be an Olympic champion?

Let's take her to the community, ice rink, and let her start to skate. That's what it feels like today. And in August, we're going to be the ones in a co-commercial crying that she earned the gold medal because we really did it too. Hey, thanks for coming on today. Thanks, Emily. Okay, bye. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want to know what's great about Squarespace,

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So check out squarespace.com slash gill sent me. Ah, miss Gil. Can we get a taste of Gil Buchanan reading the end of this copy? Jake Jotson, SEO tools. Talk about being left behind of the search. That would be Gilbuked at an island by himself. things are still going good. I've been talking into a microphone, but it's actually a shoe.

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We're back, baby. Hello? This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Quince. Lately, I've been more intentional on what I wear day to day, leaning into pieces that feel easy, comfortable, and put together. It just makes getting dressed simpler. Quince has been my go-to. The fabrics feel elevated.

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Hi. Hi. How are you? Can we get your name, please? Sure. Jane. Jane. Real name, Jane?

No, made-up name. Felt it. My name is uncommon, so I didn't want to use it. Good work, though. Thank you. Fake age, Jane? 34. That's a real age.

All right. Where are you fake calling from? Fake calling from Brooklyn. Great. Okay, Jane, 34 Brooklyn. What's going on? Okay, so I'm going to try and explain this clear. For the last five years, my friend and I have had this cardboard box.

It came from a DeWalt-Miter saw, so it's big and yellow, could fit like a large child. It's empty. We've had it empty for five years. The only thing inside of it is like the original styrofoam packaging. There's no reason for us to have this box. We just love it. We've used it as a coffee table, it's a TV stand. usually it's just sitting in a living room

and she moved and she brought the box with her and now it's been five years and it's time to get rid of this box so we're going to throw ourselves a party called a farewell to box and we kind of have ideas for it but at the end of this party we want to get rid of this box it doesn't have to be that we're getting rid of it but we need to do something of this box

we can't be in the apartment anymore so our question for you is what can we do with this box to preserve its legacy or like honor its life? But it can be anything. The only parameters are that we don't want to litter. So like we can't just like set it afloat in the East River. And we don't really want to make a fuss in public. But our friends would be down to do whatever and we'll do whatever with this box.

It just can't be in the apartment anymore. I've got pictures of this box. If you guys want to see what is. Yeah. I mean how it's been used. Oh, it's a terrible box Oh my God You have to hang up right now

I thought it was a wooden box You're talking about Literally old DeWalt It's a saw box That's like a table saw Yeah like a It's a it's a major saw But it's a big saw that goes on the table

It's just This is garbage I mean Look We understand it is garbage but we've had it for five years. Jane, but I thought it was going to be like a wood. The pitch I was going to have to take away some of the wood and everybody keeps a piece of the wood.

It's a disgusting box. You got a lot out of this box. It was used as a TV stand and you've been eating off of it. Yes, but most of the time it just kind of sat there. And then in one of those images, you can see all the cushions in the living room because our basement flooded. And we just saved the couch and that box. Oh, my. That's all we saved.

Can I see the photos again? I'm sorry. I like that. I would like to see it again. I was just so shocked. It is shocking. Okay, so your apartment, slow down, slow on, so the apartment flooded.

And you saved this gray couch. What we're looking at is a gray couch. And then just a big yellow DeWalt box. It is a big yellow box. That is literally just that holds us. It's the, box you guys would all know if you bought a big power tool comes in a box you cut it open then you take this out you throw the disgusting box out it's what we call a box yeah and then they've

taped the they've taped it closed okay so that's you guys in your basement and then can we see another one um and then what is she doing here she's cutting that this is when you first got it maybe that's probably when we got it it arrived March 2021 I looked that up okay so you got it and what about this box made you guys say we should keep this box? Well, we didn't have any furniture, really. So we needed a table and then it just kind of grew on us. So why do you, okay, hold on. Charcottery on the box, wine on the box.

So then you wrapped the box in plastic? No, sorry. That image is before we opened it. We eventually opened it and continued to use it because of the fire comes in it. I know it. Agreed. That's a crazy detail because you had an affinity. for the box more than the item inside.

Every time I get a box, I open the box. I would never put salami on top of it and eat off it. I would open it and use the thing. I would open it. And then I'd be like, okay, I'm keeping the box. But the idea that the box, you know what it is? It's like imprinting. It's like what that duck did to that guy.

Yeah. Like the box imprinted on you in some way and you feel like box moms. This is crazy, but it's right. I don't care. That's exactly what it is. This is crazy, but right. But so... Something happened at that moment in 2021.

Yeah. You guys were probably just climbing out of the pandemic. Yep. The world was opening up again. And then you went like... Not the box. The box stayed nice and closed for some fucking reason. But okay.

So whatever. So you love the box. The empty is... Wait, who is the... There's a photo of somebody. lounge you near the box and their face is blacked out. That is unfortunately a photo of me looking really bad. I love the photo.

I love it all. It's amazing. And what I also love is that you're like, I don't want to be associated with the box publicly. No, I mean, you make a good point. I should have showed my face. No, it's fine. The box is so distracting.

We can't even get into the Buccaneer style pants. Also, I got to say, it's almost your size as if you could have come out of the box. Completely agree. There is a high chance you could fit in the box. The size of your body while you're sitting on that chair. Is that could be the box that houses you? This picture gets better because we haven't even focused on the frayon writing at the bottom with an arrow. Hold on.

Why did you say I wish? It's like imagine getting in that little box. It's just perfect. That's like, oh, it is. It's a nightmare. Needing that little box is a nightmare, but there's something about that box that it's become a womb for you.

It's a pet. It's a pet. It's not just me, though. It's two of us who love this box. I know. I got the pitch. Okay. I got one too.

I want you to cut a part of it out, like when a baseball stadium is getting knocked down. Or the net. People will go and like rip a seat out of like the old Kamiski in Chicago. Or they'll like go take some of the grass

out of it or the dirt and they'll put it in like a glass jar and they'll be like this is the dirt from the outfield and like old Kamiski. So what I would like you to do is cut part of the box out and frame it. That's literally basically what I have.

And you each get you go on the parallel sides of the box so you get the same part but it's not the DeWalt just get like the T the line next to the T some weird yellow space cut the same size of each frame it go to a professional framer so it's framed it a really nice frame and you guys make a deal that that picture will always hang on the wall of your homes forever I agree I think I think that's right. My only issue is if the frame picture comes in a box, we're right back where we started.

I think it's an excellent idea, and this is going to seem weird, but maybe not based on my question. I think it was. We both bought, I forget who the artist is, but we basically both bought a slice of this giant baby made of styrofoam.

We have our styrofoam art. framed. So maybe it would fit. Maybe it would fit in. But it's a thing. Jane. Jane. I heard how many things can you have, how many pieces of, you know, container can you have? How many pieces of garbage can you frame? That's not a question for us. That's not a question for us. That's not a question for us. We throw boxes away. So we don't know. I think that's right though. Okay. I like where your head. Well, look, it is there you, for whatever reason, this has sentimental value to you. So that is a way to preserve a piece of it. And here's the other part, I'll say.

I would, I'm trying to think if you know anyone who has a fireplace, I would also suggest just burning the box on its own, collecting the ashes and doing an ash spread after you've picked your pieces of the box. Or burning it. Yeah, Darren, or burning it, doing the ashes and keeping the ashes like you would. Keep an ur? Keep an ur? Oh, my God.

Okay, I love that. I was thinking you were going to say sometimes people, when they're cremated, you put their ashes into a tree and then you grow the tree. But I like the idea of putting it in an urn way better. A tiny little urn. Earn is a winner. If you've got to. Okay. I like that.

I think it's an urn. And you know what? Here's what I'm also going to say, not to cut you off, but I like, you're having an event about this. Let's treat it like it's a goodbye, like it's a funeral. Yes. Let's write a little. A little eulogy for the box. Let's talk about fond memories.

You've got all these crazy-ass pictures. Let's show them and talk about it a little bit. And maybe everyone's got to say a little bit of something. Or at least just you and the other gal. Yeah. And then you'll tell you what I don't want is a bunch of friends there and everybody thinks it's really funny. And then like you've got like the two guys who are like the funny where they're like,

all be ironic. You're like, this isn't as funny as we all think it is. Jake's pitching me. It's a Gareth Reynolds type. you and me I agree it only works if it's really sincere for you guys because this box actually does mean a lot to you

yep I agree so I think the two of you should burn it together drink one too many glasses of wine and let yourselves get emotional have an urn get the ashes in the urn you know what I would ask of you Jane

oh I forgot that's my name Jane yes James. Yeah. Neither way bad poker face. Oh my God, that's me. Oh, yes.

Hello. Here's what I would like. What you could do for us is I would like you and your friend who did this to burn the box, grab the ashes, put it in the iron, and then wear all black and have a night. After that, that's the doing part. then go to have a service where you have photo, you print out these photos of the box that you guys had and they're around and you guys just sit around,

eat a shirkutery, have a couple glasses of wine, and then at a certain point, both stand up and as sincerely as you can at that night, talk about what the box meant to you and how important it was and how fun it was and how great those years were and film it. I agree. And send it to us and Kyle will edit it down.

I agree. and you're also the night of this event, you guys are not going to know where to put your wine, where to put your charcutory, you're going to be very confused, but there's going to be a table. This is a thing a lot of us have been using for a while, and it's got four legs,

and it's a flat surface, and you're going to put some of your stuff on this thing, and it's sort of like a fancy box. So you'll be putting your stuff on there, and it's going to be difficult because you're definitely moving on at that point. But this is, The equivalent of like, this is what this reminds me of is like if you got like a pet hampshire that dies.

Yeah. And you get kids and you go, well, we should say some words. And then somebody says some words and you go, they're not wrong about Lucky. We did love that son of a bitch. Yeah. And that little bastard did find his way into our hearts. Yep. And when you got over the hump and you're honest about it and you go, that was the cutest road night ever seen.

and when it would burrow itself in the corner and you would see its little teeth, I did like looking at them. I also liked holding him. It was a bony son of a bitch, but I like the way his little nails would feel on my hands. And so you all say what you need to say about box, and then move on.

I have one last question. I think it's a great idea. But where can we burn this box in Brooklyn? Can you send it out? An alley. You can't sit there. You got to do it yourself in alley. Okay.

Or you rip it up and you do it piece by piece. You do it, you do little pieces throughout the whole night right in the sink. I think that maybe at this party will have everyone rip up the box and then afterwards we can burn the pieces. And I think that you guys burn. And while you're burning it, you do it in the tub. That's when you're making your speeches. Yeah. Okay.

Maybe get a metal bucket or something. Get like a metal bucket, maybe put it in there, open the window, you know, get like you don't want it to get out of control. So I think, yeah, you take your time. Go right in an alley. Just make sure, you know, make sure it's... Put it in a bucket. Yeah, we just don't want this to get out of control.

Buy an $80 grill. Ooh. Like you're going to be, you know, go to the grill. Or just someone you know with a grill. That's it. Yep. Yeah, the park. Go to the park and grill it out.

Go to the park. can grill it. Now that we're in this zone, I'm going to also say, have a decoy cooler when you go to grill the box as ashes. Just so when you go to the park, it doesn't look like you went there to just burn a box on a grill. Just, I think that's right. That's important. Just a decoy cooler. Make it look like you're grilling something. Cool. Okay. Thank you. I think we're going to grill the box. So. And then send, yeah, send us some, And then you're going to put the urn, the ashes in the urn? Yeah, of course.

Don't say of course. A little urn. It's going to be a teeny tiny urn. Yeah, this is, listen, if you're happy, we're happy. And I think, like Jake said, please include us in the service as much as possible, film it. And we would love to edit it into something that, you know, it's a tribute to the DeWalt box that you got five years ago. That's so kind. The box would love that.

I don't know if, okay. Jane, why'd you use a fake name? Sorry? I see, oh, my God. I believe you're forgetting because I don't, I, I have a very uncommon name. And I think that when I listen back to this, if it were to air, I'd be a little embarrassed. Hey, Jane. What's the uncommon name?

I'll say it, but I don't know. We might need to beep it out. Okay. It's ERISA. like Marissa, no ass. We're not going to beat it. Thanks so much, you know what.

We're not going to beep it. Your problem is not serious enough to beep it. It's not about like a husband or a wife. It's about keeping a box. We're going to let it out. We're going to lead with it. Everybody, her name is words. She lives in Brooklyn.

She gives a weird disgusting box. Thank you for the call. Her name's not Jane. She's going to be at a party. Bye. Bye. Bye, Jane. Thank you.

Bye. Bye. This next call is a follow-up from episode 231 Scooter Cooter. Hey, call, are you there? Yeah, I'm here. Welcome back to the show. You got Jake, you got Gareth, and you've got, as you know, Danny Jay, Chopper Five on the ones and twos. Coming at you.

Yeah, lots happened so far. It's just been technical, to be quite honest with you. Can we get your name, please? My name is Allison. Allison, welcome back to the show. We know you're a follow-up. Now, can you tell Dan what your first call was, and that'll also inform Jake, myself, and the audience?

Thanks. Great idea. Yeah, so I originally called about because my husband's nudist uncle sold him a scooter, and my husband wanted me to ride said scooter, but I did not. Right. So he's a nudist? They got the scooter from a four. from a nudist and there was, you know, nudity on the scooter.

And we were thinking about the seat being disgusting. You had sent us a photo, I remember, right? Yes. And you were, oh, cooter, scooter. Cooter Scooter Scooter. Yes. Well, Cooter, cooter. Oh, Scooter, either way.

So, Allison, what did we pitch and what did you do? So, y'all pitched two different things. So I think the one that Garrett mentioned was having like a dream. that like we were riding the scooter and like we crashed and it freaked me out and now it was like going to be like all jittery around the scooter. But then we settled on that the scooter like there's like this disease called scooter and that it can give you like a rash and stuff and that's why you shouldn't like ride it and that's why you need to clean the seat and stuff like that.

I honestly think both of those are pretty good. I do too. To get you off. They were pretty good. So Dan, your thoughts on hearing those two pitches, You understand the problem, right? Well, I heard the problem. I just have a hard time understanding it.

Okay. Why? Hold on, why? Like, clean the seat, and then it's an immaculate scooter. Like, take some bleach, you're good. What's the issue? Some random man's chote sitting on his seat you're sitting on? It's not random, it's family.

Fine. It's our Uncle Eddie's chote while he'll all sweat. in Florida on a seat and then you're in a skirt. Six months later. Six months later after, I'm sorry, I don't know if you're a like scientist but like chote kuters

doesn't exist. So you just spray a little Windex or a little Clorox and you're done. I love that. Also, me too. Also, who are you, our sister? Spray it and you're done.

Windex. By the way, it's such an insight into Dan's world that he's one of those Windex guys who does every service with Windex. That's what my mother is. My mother's a Windexer. You're just like on a table? That's wood. Doesn't matter. It's all the same.

I can see the Pam thing now. Now I get it. Yeah, I get it. So, Allison, I hear Dan's point of view, but I do think he's crazy. I'm with you. I would be pretty disgusted if I bought a scooter and there was a new, the idea of like a juicy man's butthole, sweating, driving his scooter. Well, it's also, isn't it your husband's?

It's your husband's relative. But she's going to be on it. Yeah, no, I think it's extra gross. I think it's extra gross. Imagine being a woman in a skirt. Yeah, that's a random man to her. I'll just defer because she, Allison matters. It's her problem.

You guys accept it as a problem. I don't want to go back and say, it's not a problem. We'll just say great, great pitches. What did she do? Damn. Professional. I did.

I told my husband, he asked me, my husband asked me one day, he was because of more background for Dan, but, you know, because of our, my weight differences,

I'm a little bigger than my husband. He's saying for us to ride together, I would need to drive it. And I didn't want to because then, you know, that's too much contact for me. I'm a big germaphobe. Okay.

Okay. So if you, because you would have to drive it so that's more right on seat? Right. Yeah. Okay. So, but yeah, so there was one day that, you know, my husband asked me, he's like, hey, like, I'm thinking, like, you don't want to take the scooter for a drive.

You want to come with, you know, and everything. You can get used to or whatever because, you know, you have to drive there ever so often with the gas or whatever. And so then, you know, I recorded our conversation and I told him. I was like, no, I don't want to. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Allison, Allison, Allison, Allison. You bury the lead. Yes, right. You have it recorded?

Can we hear it? Yes. Let's hear it. Yeah, I emailed it to Natalie. Let's hear it right now. First of all, way to go. Yeah. Thank you, Allison.

Thank you. You're a pro. I was crambling. I was like, oh my gosh, I felt like, you know, a fifth-year-old person trying to find the record button on my phone. But, Allison, you're a fucking pro

and you're a star. We ask a lot of people to do this and they don't. And when people do it, this is awesome. Because you call, you're like, we're here to help and you use them for help. And it was an amazing success. But so far, are so good.

What? Sometimes you don't have to talk, Dan, if you don't have anything to say. If I didn't talk, why would you ask me on your? You don't have to be such a dick. I know, but Dan, that was a trap. You don't have to go out of your way. That was a recap. Hey, hey, can you, can you come on the show?

Sure, because I want to like be a dick to you. On Hulu or whatever. Thanks. This is great. It's on Hulu, not whatever. I'm sorry. Great, great. Awesome.

Allison, I'm sorry. have to witness that. All right, Dan, I'm sorry. I just felt like you did a recap that you didn't, you just started talking, but you didn't have anything to say. Apology accepted. Tensions are high because this problem is big, and we're about to hear some audio.

Roll tape. Okay, dude. Okay, here we go. What did you say? At some point, I want to ride the scooter with you on the back. Why? So I know what it's like. So if I don't want to sit on the scooter.

I'll put a trash bag. You're gonna let me get scooter cooter? Yeah. You don't be an infected cooter from the scooter? That's nasty. I'll put an antimicrobial towel down. Inside microbial stuff. No, I'm serious.

I don't want that. I'll put something down. No, that's not going to help it. Why what? Why would it happen? it can go around it. Yeah. And then it's going to climb up my legs.

I'm going to get to my cooter. Jerry's mustache is going to be climbing. No, I'm serious. It's a real thing. No, it's a real thing. Ask Maddie. She told me about it. All right, let's pause it for a second.

Yeah. Where are you going? Allison. excellent work so far. Yeah. He was really stonewalling you. So good. Yeah.

I'm with the husband so far, but this is great. Great effort. But he did a really good job of just winning that. We're going to listen to the second half. Is there more information or is it more of the same? It's more of the same. I told my best friend after I got off the original call and I was like, hey, like, you know, and she's like, oh my gosh,

It's like genius. And so, you know, he doesn't believe anything I say. But if someone else says it, then he'll believe them. So my best friend was in on it. So that's when I was like, hey, you can call Maddie and, you know, confirm this. So she was in on it too. Okay. Did he?

But we didn't have to call her. Okay. So then what ended? So you say in the second half call Maddie and what's his kind of vibe? What does he say? He was just, he kind of brushed off. I don't know if he heard me on that. But then he was like, he was just being funny afterwards.

Okay. So that's perfect. Howl. Home run for the husband. Yeah. So this is pretty great. So what happened? So he didn't really do any, like he didn't ask me to get on the scooter after that.

And I was like, okay, well, we'll wait because I, like, you know, because life happened. So we got really busy. But he hasn't asked me to sit on the scooter or ride with him since. Great. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That's a bel ring. Yes, for sure. That's a bell ring.

So we created enough. nonsense that he's like oh my wife believes in a stupid thing called scooter cooter and her goofy friend

her goofy friend thinks so too so she doesn't want to go on my scooter it's insane but moving on I still like my scooter that's winning by losing

because he won that argument but you won the war I think going in we knew we were outmatched because a scooter cooter doesn't exist and B We're three dirt bags who would be like, yeah, I'll get on it.

I'd get on that scooter naked. I wouldn't give a shit. Stop, Jake. You're right. See, Dave gets it. But the point is you went in there, you stuck to your guns enough, and you committed that it worked. And on top of that, just once again, to be very clear, the recording is awesome. More people, when we ask for it, we know they go, what are you doing?

You're producing. Let us cook. Yeah, but Allison, I agree with Garris, but Allison, 10 out of 10, dude. 10 out of 10. I would say 11 out of 10 because you were, you were going up against logic. Yes. Yes.

Like you held on to like, no, no, it's a real thing. It goes up my leg. It goes around a microbiolio. He doesn't make any sense. Doesn't make no sense. What you were calling a germ was a worm.

I mean, the way that you were talking about how these things move. You were talking about a soldier. Have you seen them like under a microscope moving around. They move like worms sometimes. But that's a microscope. Yeah, but what you did was excellent.

This is not a conversation about logic. It's a conversation about how do we keep you off this scooter seat? Jake, to quote one of our favorite, our favorite James Brown lyric, I don't know karate, but I know Karazi. Yeah. You fought. You fought. And Allison, you won.

Yeah, I did. Thank you. No, thank you. Yeah. This is what this show is all about. You got what you wanted. You got what you needed. And you'll never ride that disgusting scooter in your life.

You don't have to because a scooter scooter car. I better not. If he asked me about it, then I'm going to be calling back and be like, hey, guys, we need a plan B. I already got a solve for that. So you call if you fake scooter cooter. How would she do that, Gareth? Itchy crotch walking around going, what are the other symptoms she has?

It's just, I don't think our callers want to hear what I'm going to say. We do, we do. She's got a rashy, scratchy cooter. Can you do that? Can you beatbox and then throw those words into it? Why are you doing this? I don't know because he would know, like, because I'm such a germapho that I would be like,

no, I got to go to the doctor right away. Yeah. Then you fucking know. Allison, will you do a quick rap while Gareth, Dan and I do a beatbox and you incorporate the words, itchy, scratchy, cooter? I'll be honest. I don't know how

to wrap at all. Got to go to the doctor right away because my itchy scooter, cooter is coming today. I can't ride on my Uncle's chote because if I do that, you're gonna choke. It's disgusting. It's nasty.

The dude's a nudist. You better not ride it or I'm out. I'm out. Oh, you had it, bro. I had it. Dude, you had it. I've never seen these two more connected. He was going at a pace.

He was cooking. I was inspired by Allison. We all are. All right, Allison. right off into the sunset. Sorry, walk off into the sunset on this one. Killer job. Yeah, no writing.

No writing. Way to go. Thank you for the call. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com.

slash Here to Help Pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road,

go to Garethreth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast, That Was Us, now on HeadGum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive. Yeah. From our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode.

We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Yeah. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot.

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.