We're Here to Help - 295: Confronting The Whistler & Picker Flicker

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

In honor of Hulu's new show Not Suitable For Work, Jake and Gareth solve a couple workplace nightmares. First, they confront a rogue whistler in an open-floorplan office. Then, they smoke out a booger bandit.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. And we're brought to you by Not Suitable for Work. Follow five, work-obsessed 20-somethings in Murray Hill as they career chase, survive, heartbreak, and take on the ultimate challenge, the New York City Housing Market. That's right, Jake, from executive producer Mindy Kaling. Picture your 20s in New York, big dreams, questionable choices, and barely making the rent. Not Suitable for Work is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. Enjoy it, everybody.

We love it. We are talking about not suitable for work, a new Mindy Kaling, Hulu workplace comedy show that looks like it has a phenomenal ensemble cast, some recognizable people, some new faces. Anything Mindy Kaling does is a win. Yeah. I remember Mindy Kaling.

Mindy Kaling has to come on our show. I remember talking about Natalie. We were trying to schedule it. I think she's quite busy, but I do think it's, It eventually happened. Yeah. She,

uh, I first heard of Mindy Kaling back in New York when I was doing a two-man improv show with Oliver Raleigh, the man who created our theme song. Um, and Mindy Kailen had created a show called Matt and Ben about, uh, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

Right. Yeah, right. That thing blew up in a way. Everybody in New York was talking about it. It was like these two girls, these two women in the early, 20s, they play Matt and Ben.

And it's about Matt and Ben's story. Oliver and I used to talk about when we were working on a show, the goal was the hit play. Yeah. And the hit play was, we just got to do what Matt and Ben did. Yeah. And so we'd be like, oh, that's how it works. You're doing, because they weren't all around the same theaters. They were like, in the Lower East Side, we'd be like, wait, Matt and Ben was here?

And then they're like, yeah, like, what's going on? No, they're like, I guess they're in Los Angeles. us now. I was like, how do we get from our show the Midwesterners back to Kronig? How do we turn this into Matt and Ben? I know. And then Mindy was, you know, on the office and all he's going up. And then she literally does Matt and Ben. And you're like, we should have just done Matt and Ben.

That's exactly right. I was like, yeah. And then I think we probably tried to do something like that. We were like, dude, we'll do Matt and Ben too. And like nine people of the audience were like, really not that great. It's a lot of the charms gone. All the charms. You guys are being aggressive.

It's mean-spirited. It's all you guys being mean to each other and laughing. With terrible Boston accents. Well, yeah, but she keeps making hits, but not suitable for work is streaming on Hulu. They're sponsoring this episode. And so this episode, we're doing workplace calls. We have a couple great workplace calls that are, you know, about how do you manage a story? Our show is our show.

You know, for our audience, it's going to feel very the same. Oh, these are great calls. These are just us, but it's in a workplace. But everybody check out Mindy's show. Oh, by the way. Anything that woman touches is. Very quickly, when I was talking to Natalie about the intro, she had quite a laugh when she said, if you and Jake have ever worked in an office, you can talk about that like you guys have

ever worked. I've never heard her laugh harder. I've worked in an office. That's what I said to her. So we've both worked in offices. You know, I got, I worked at an office in New York. It was a, I can't remember the name of the place now, but it was like a health place. Mm-hmm.

And I got really busted by my boss. What I was doing is I was filling out, I was taken from the old school yellow pages and filling out addresses so we could send people the mailing list, right? Uh-huh. And she said like, okay, let's, you to sit in a room all day and just write down addresses and stuff these fucking things. And I was like, great. And the pace I was going was so slow. And then she came in, she's like,

so you did like 40 addresses in an hour? And I was like, did I? Was that? And mind you, I didn't have like screens back then. Yeah. I was just sitting in a room. Yeah. Thinking I was going fast.

Yeah. And then she goes, you know, we could do something fun? And I go what? And she goes, let's have a contest. Who can do more in 30 minutes? And if you win, I'll buy you any lunch you want in New York City. Gareth, I think I might have done 10,030 minutes. And I was so stupid.

I didn't see she was setting me up. And she goes, like a horse. So you did like 215 and 30 minutes. And I was like, how many did you? You want me lunch. And she goes. And from 9 a.m. until 1130, you did like 13. And I literally was like, I understand what you did there.

That's tough. You've figured out. How I operate. As I was bragging about beating her, I realized. She was like, she just realized your ceiling. And all she had to do is get you a hoagie. And she didn't even get me the hoagie. It was the pace you're going has been disrespectful.

By the way, I think when I pushed back on Natalie about us working in offices, this is what she would have pictured. When we could consider working at offices, trained seals for hoagies we didn't get is pretty much what she pictured. That's sad. She was laughing because we were. We weren't actually. We were. Yeah, she was like, we've never been walking around, like, handing papers to someone and being like, let me know about that by 3.30.

Like, you and I have been there like, I spilled cereal and the envelope. Garrett, your version of an office. We always done it's proved Natalie right. He's what I need somebody of paper. My shirt's tucked in. I've never tucked on my shirt. Let me know about that at 3.30. Let me know about that by 330.

And I, like, have to move through cubicles. I high-five someone. They're like, wow, he's a very good boss. Wow, that guy is really on top. Is your fantasy office guy that you're a really cool boss? Oh, yeah. What would be your fantasy? Work hard, play hard.

Is that true? So, David Brett. No, no, no, that's all. That's no nothing, do nothing. No, mine would be. Work hard, play hard, be the man. Yeah. Out some pines kind of thing.

Right, yeah. He didn't know anything. No, I always try to be a good boss, fair, but you know, you got to get stuff done still. What's your vibe? What's your vibe? I think like Amy said the other night, like you find good people and you go, if you're good, do it. I believe in you. And then you got to keep an eye on stuff.

But, you know, chill, nice, sweet, drunk, very drunk. All right, everybody. The show is not suitable for work. You can watch it now. Great ensemble cast from the great Mindy Kaling. Hulu. Check it out. Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu.

Yep. We are also having our back catalog is going to be on Hulu. We're going to be about 20 at a time. So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu. Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies? No, and you can get season one, season two. We're going to have a nice melange on Hulu, but the day early. I mean, there's a lot of advantages.

Here's another thing. People going, well, I don't have Hulu. You got YouTube? Because we're there too. Yeah. Hulu a day early. YouTube for stragglers. And also, you go, I don't have that.

Well, we got Patreon. Yeah. And they go, I don't have that. What do you want? Yeah, okay, Jake. We're trying to be inclusive and you're yelling at them. But I think you're right. It's just, look.

You watch this show anywhere. There's a lot of. options. Okay. Hulu's early. Hulu's early. Audio day of, YouTube day of, Patreon, no ads. Here's the way to remember it.

Hulu, new, so Nulu. It's not the way to remember. They also have back catalog stuff. Okay, then that we call... Yeah, all right, it's falling apart. And we are brought to you by Not Suitable for Wurlop. work. From executive producer, the great Mindy Kaling, not suitable for work. A hit machine is right. Getting a life is a group effort. Mindy Kaling doesn't miss. She's a killer. That's right, Jake,

from executive producer Mindy Kaling. Picture your 20s in New York, big dreams, questionable choices, and barely making the rent. Oh, that's good, right? That's not suitable for work. This cast on this show is phenomenal. You're following. Going five work-obsessed 20-somethings in Murray Hill as they chase their careers, survive heartbreak, take on the ultimate challenge, the New York City housing market. So it is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. Yeah, great. We think you guys are going to absolutely love it.

You will. Okay. That's impressive. That feels good. This episode of the podcast is brought. brought to you by booking.com. Booking.com helps you get it ridiculously right so you can find exactly what you're booking for.

G man, you're on the road constantly. The hotel you're in, did the show book it or did you book it using booking.com? You know what I've been doing, Jake, is I have to switch hotels so often that I started asking the clubs if they'll just give me a buyout. And then I'll find a hotel that's in between the places. I'll go to booking.com. I'll find a place that is kind of equidistant, and I get a couple nights in the same hotel.

They couldn't make it easier. Well, I've got a question for the audience here. June 19th, is that there a date for the Gareth and Steve live show in Omaha? We've got people in the Midwest who are nearby who go, I want to take a little trip and see something, but where would I stay? Oof. Well, go to booking. dot com because it makes it easy to find a hotel or a holiday home that's just that's not just

generically right or right for somebody but ridiculously right for you well also Omaha a fantastic city surrounded by fantastic I don't know why you said thank you Steve but so you just live there but there's you could get vacation rentals you could turn it into a few days I mean who know. Hey, Steve, if people come to Omaha for this little trip and they book on booking.com and they turn it into a three day thing, what are a few things they should do besides see you guys live? Well, obviously, we have the best zoo in the country, uh, in the world, I think, maybe. Find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com. Booking dot, yeah, book today on this site or in the app. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Wayfair. I bought a robot vacuum.

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less that's Wayfair W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com Wayfair every style every home Hello Hey how are you I'm good Can we get your name please This is Luke Hey Luke where you calling from Well I'm pretty sure you've never heard of the town but it's a rural part of western Kentucky called the Jackson Purchase

Cool. I spent some time in Paducah. Okay. Yeah, that's the nearest, like, big city. We're in Murray. If you've been to Paduca, you might have heard of. I might be in Murray. I was 17. Luke, how old are you? I am 43. Luke, what are we got today, brother? All right. So this is an issue with a co-worker. I started a new job this year, and it's local here for a contract in town. So it's a small office. We've got like 10 employees total. There's three of us in the office where I'm at full time. And it's a great team. Love it. But I've got a co-worker.

So let me just kind of back up a second. The office is an old veterinarian clinic. So it's a pretty sparse building. Yeah, it's a thunder block walls, linoleum floors, thin doors. So everything's very audible. You can hear everything going on in every part of the building. And one of our employees likes to wear her earbuds and listen to music that calls, but she whistles along with her music. And that's fine, really, if they were along with the music, but I'm pretty sure she's toned deaf. And so when she whistles, it sounds like a broken eye. tea kettle almost. You can't carry a tune,

and it just almost sounds like a nice pick digging into my brain. Now, we do have a recording of the whistling, so whenever you guys want to hear it. Wait, Luke, you recorded this? Oh, yeah. Good stuff, man. That's really good.

Let's hear this whistle. You got to kind of wait for it. This is bullshit. I want to keep hearing Gareth. This would drive me nuts. But let's keep listening. Let's live in Luke's Pro. Imagine you're working.

They'll drive you crazy. Constant. It sure isn't. It's very intermittent. Yeah, which is annoying. It comes and goes. I think somewhere around a minute and a half into the recording it. It's okay.

I'm appreciating because we're getting a real sense of what it is. It's not a nightmare. That's a nightmare. It's crazy. It's crazy. Because every time it happens, I'd get, it sounds really ugly. You're right to say she's got a bad... It's really bad.

I hate this. I do too. There's no good whistle. But, no, no. Sounds like an animal dying. It does. It sounds like, it's like a bird that would wake you up and you'd be furious. Yeah.

Or like a baby raccoon or like a squirrel fighter. It's pretty obnoxious. Yeah, look, this is a bird that's. It comes together every few seconds. Yeah. You're telling me this is all day. This is mostly in the afternoons, but pretty much all day every day. Okay.

Really fast, Jesse, before Luke keeps talking, can you keep this on a loop for this whole call in the background that we have to hear it until we pitch out of it? We've got to earn it. Let's all go to, let's all be in the shit together. Okay. We're working. We've got to listen to it.

too. Yeah. Oh, for God's sake. Okay. I thought I was getting a break from that. Well, Luke, you're gonna, but we got to, sometimes you got to get in the shit to get out of the toilet, as Gareth likes to say. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure.

So walk us through more of what's going on with this. When did it start? How long has been going on? That is a, yeah, shit. It started, well, I started the job in late December, so about three months ago. And it's been a constant thing. I don't want to be like a jerk that's like, hey, no whistling, take your earbuds out. But I can't deal with this.

It's like we have a co-worker from another office that came for one day and she came to me at the end of the day. She's like, how do you not blow your brains out listening to that? What have you tried? Are you the boss who she's the boss? Who's higher up? I'm a bit higher up. We have one owner and we both, like that. technically report directly to her or to him.

Okay. But I'm a little bit her senior. Okay. But it's close. Yeah. Yeah. It's a pretty informal relationship since it's a small office. And I want to keep harmony and everybody kind of friendly.

There's only two people in the office with me, so we don't need any. But God. What have you? Up to this point? Did you just say it kills me? The fact that he has to listen to this, I don't listen to. I know, but what we're trying to do is we're seeing how hard it is to even focus. So Luke, and I want the audience when they go like, you know, just to feel what the problem is.

Very rarely does everybody get to live in the issue. So what have you tried, Luke? Yeah, I've tried making like comments like, hey, what are you listening to? I don't recognize that tune. And our boss, he has made little comments like, oh, I see a pack of dogs laying out at the door with all that whistle.

It seems to fall on deaf ears a little bit. Okay. God damn. I mean, that's tough to hear because that is a swing. I mean, you have tried to make some allusions to the fact that, hey, shut up.

And this person, so this person is oblivious to the negative impact, obviously, even when you bring it up. They're like, whatever. Yeah, yeah. She also clicks her fingernails quite loudly on her desk, which is more powerful. Wait, are we hearing that, too? Yeah. That clicking sound? Yep.

What is that clicking sound? Yeah, that's the nails. That's her drumming her very long fingernails on her desk. Oh, my God. This is a whole thing. What is the... I'm not trying to solve all the problems. I know, I get you.

How old is our Whistler? Mid-30s. Okay, and you've never directly said anything yet, right? I have not. And, I mean, I guess I could, but it just seems like a confrontation that I'd like to avoid, so I found why I wanted to pitch to you guys and see what you put up. I've got a pitch.

I've got a pitch. Okay. All right. Well, I'm trying to figure out how to make this not about you. So, and it's only you guys in the office, because here's what I want you to do. I want you to send her this clip and go, FYI, this is my, what I hear while you're listening to music. Any chance we could cool it on the whistling. If not, I hear you, not looking to start.

trouble with you. Happy to be co-workers. But I know you've got a whole sound system going on and you're just a member of the band. But no, this is the show I'm getting. Yeah. Yeah.

That's certainly a direct approach. And I'm not closed to that idea. I'm just kind of hoping to find a way to make it feel like it was her idea to stop. You say that she starts whistling in the afternoon. mostly.

I think when things slow down a little bit, and let phone calls going on. Does she have the AirPods in the morning part? Yeah. She does. We just use our cell phones for our office phone. But so she's using so, but so she's not listening to music all day.

I don't think so. I'm not sure. I mean, sometimes it happens in the morning. It could be, It's like every couple of hours she gets on a tangent and starts the intermittent whistling. Here's one pitch for you. You start whistling. You start whistling.

But if in the morning there's less of it, Luke is aggressively whistling throughout the day. You're saying fire with fire. I'm saying make hurt because whistling is one of those things. You know what? It's like when someone is playing guitar. They love it. But you're like, you're ruining everything. You're ruining a party.

Everything is now, you are the focus. You are ruining this. Conversation, pleasure is unable to exist anymore because of your selfish decision. I agree with this. I'm friends with a whistler, and I did confront the whistler. And I was like, I said we've abandoned whistling. We don't do it anymore. It's not a thing where this is for when people used to whittle.

Whittle and whistling, those used to be activities. We now have phones. We have music. You don't need to be sharing. this whole process with everyone else. So, but I think aggressive whistling on your end, and I'm going to also say you've got to maybe try to get another employee to do it too. We're sending a message without sending a message

that whistling in this office is really fucking annoying, and we're going to see if that does anything. If that doesn't do anything, I would also pitch, some offices just play music throughout the day. Let's add a little music to them. the office just playing on a speaker of some kind that sort of drowns it out in a non-distracting way when the whistling starts. Okay.

How about we do this also? What if you sent this to the boss and said, can we have a discussion anonymously about noise complaints considering in our office? I don't want to handle heads up because I don't want to create. great confrontation. But anybody who hears this is going to go, that's an issue and go, look, I don't, I like working with her, but I'm having, oh, you know what I would do? Say to the boss, hey, can I play you something and go, I'm getting a lot less work done.

Yeah. And I want it, but I keep getting, I need you to know why my production is slipping. I'm not used to this. But every time I hear this whistle, I'm distracted from the work I have to do. and then I'm restarting my brain. So do you have a solution for me? Should I bring headphones in? Should I have a noise machine?

But I just need you to know, and I'm sending you this clip too. You send it as an email. I am not telling anybody they can't do what they want to do in their work. I'm just letting you know my work is suffering because of this, and I need you to know that as the boss.

Okay. That's a, I think that, sorry, I think that would solve it. I think maybe taking a multi-tiered approach, because I like the idea of playing music to kind of drown things out. Maybe I can try whistling, or maybe I just start playing this clip out loud through a speaker in my office and be like, oh, I'm just whistling alone. But here's the problem. You're going to drive yourself crazy.

And it's almost like you're a fan of whistling suddenly. But also she has... And then it's crazier to be like, if she hears it, she's like, what do you do? You're like, I'm listening to you whistling. Yeah, it's like that. I'm crazy. And I would also say, she has headphones on, so she's not going to hear these little whistles. You're just going to hear these and her new whistles.

Yeah. You're doubling your problem, I think. I think the move is very clear. You say to your boss, hey, just so you know, this is a very noisy office. He'll go, I know and you go, I know. I'm fine with everything. There's whistling that's going on that I don't feel like it's my place to do a confrontation,

but it is messing with me. Can I play you the clip and you tell me if you think I'm being out of line or if I need to just suck this up or if we could ask people to stop whistling? So it's their job. Here's another option. How close are you with the boss

who would be saying this? Pretty close. I mean, we're very friendly. Okay. This might not work, But if they're, if you're close enough, I would say, hey, I want to confront whoever, but I don't really want to single them out. Can you sit us both down and say that her whistling and my playing drums with pencils on my desk

is distracting other people in the workplace? I love that. So that you are kind of, and then, you. That way, right? In this session, you go, you know, I'm sorry. It's like a thing I do. I never noticed that it's kind of annoying to other people, but I've heard it before. Sorry.

And then Whistler has to also go, gosh, you know what? Yeah, I don't know I'm doing it either. I'm sorry. You know, but there's a company, there's an email from the boss getting on both of you. That's good. I got to tell you. We just turned, Jesse just stopped playing it, and my brain is working better. I agree.

Yeah. That was driving me fucking bananas. I felt stuck. It's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. I'm glad to have you guys reaffirm how maddening it is. Dude, it's nuts.

You're living in a crazy place and you're sort of, it's been normalized. Here's what I do if I'm you. When you are bosses at work, I want you to bring two drumsticks to work and start banging the desk. I'm not kidding and go like it while you're at work so it's just like and then every once in a while

go like yeah yeah I want you to listen to the sounds James Brown makes and I want you to nuts but put headphones on fake it and just literally

while you're working every once in a while at a very offbeat go like come about you And it should be loud enough where it's jarring. And if someone goes, what are you doing? Like, I'm sorry, I threw these headphones on because I was hearing so much. And then it just goes like,

catch a catcha, cut your cow! And he goes, this can't happen. And you go, should we just make a rule? There's a noise ordinance. Yeah. Okay. If you want to listen to something, you can listen to it. But outward expression is a no-no.

is you get in trouble and therefore she needs to stop. Okay. If he tells you that and you go, you go, my apologies, I honestly didn't know that's embarrassing. Then go later, hey, is it okay that she's whistling though? And he goes, is she? Send him the clip. Yeah.

I like it. I think my boss would also work with me if I say like, here's my plan. I'm going to get noisy. feel free to complain publicly about both of us. That's great. Do that. Yeah.

I think I'll give that a shot. That sounds awesome. Great. This is great. I would love for it just because I fell in love with our earlier audio evidence of one of our follow-ups, Jake. I would love to hear you doing some distracting stuff, which is laying the groundwork, right? Let's hear you be annoying at work.

and then maybe we can get a recording of you talking to your boss. We could just get your side of it, but you sort of explaining the situation a little bit, and then we can have our actual follow-up and see if it stops. I do think you putting another body on the sword is the right move. I think that's right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, totally.

I appreciate that. You like it, Luke? I do. I'm excited. I'm excited to do it. Okay. I don't mind being a little bit obnoxious myself. Yeah, enjoy it.

I think you should enjoy it. You know what you could do? I mean, if you really wanted to go for it, I used to live with a guy who had a drum pad and drumsticks, and he would be drumming on that. And I mean, it drove me absolutely fucking bonkers. Like you're learning the drums. Yeah, I've got a daughter who went through piano lessons. I'm familiar with the... music practice and how it's not necessarily a soothing feeling.

I think we're in good shape, man. I did get out of here. Yeah. I think so, too. I'm sick to win. Okay. Yeah. All right, Luke, let us know. Yeah, thanks, guys.

I'll talk to you. Thank you, buddy. And follow up. I'll see you. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by MintMobile. To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile. slash here to help that's mintmobile.com slash here to help cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash here to help that's it there's no catch $45 up front payment required equivalent

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plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions apply cement mobile for details this episode of the pod is brought to you by quince if you're wondering who makes the shirt i'm wearing right now if you're going oh jakey jays arms and shoulders and looks slimish, but his arms look bigish, and his shoulders look thickish. Oh, it's because of quince. Summer now. Summer, so I've ordered some summer stuff from Quince. I got these great green shorts, and I got a, like, kind of, I don't know what to call it, a cottony woolly top. I've never had anything like it, but the second I put it on, it was like

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Hi, how are you? Good. How are you? Great. Welcome to the show. Jake. America's number one podcast. Let's say it.

Screw it. Can we get your... Welcome back to that. Can we get your... your name, please. My name is Emily. Emily, okay. I'm going to say, Emily.

I actually miss catchphrase Gareth. You know who I get asked about every now and then? Gilby, Buchanan. Gilby, you know, people are wondering what that. Talk about feeling a while ago. Emily, where are you calling from today? I'm calling from Massachusetts.

Oh, I was literally just there. two nights ago. Wow. Yeah, that's all I got for you. How old are you, Emily? I'm 30. 30. What do you do for work, Emily?

What are you doing? I work at a vet clinic. Oh, beautiful. Thank you for doing that. And that's it. I'm out of stuff. What is going on? What can we help you with today?

So at the vet clinic I work at for the past five or so years. someone has been flicking boogers onto a bathroom door in an employee bathroom. And we want to find out who's doing it. It's disgusting. You know, I hate this. Emily, I'm going to be honest with you. We have not, we've not real, we've recorded a little bit. This is our first real session back for a minute because Jake's been pretty busy.

It's nice to be back. It's nice to hear back to the world of the show's probably. We're trying to find the booger bandit. This is, honestly, this might be our first booger call. I think it's gross. Well, but Jake, you know as men, sometimes when you hit a stall in a public, you are like, what is going on in here? I mean, we are animals. I agree.

Every once in a while, there's one, Emily, that is vile. So this is a shared bathroom space? Yes, we're just employees. I'm going to tell you. this right now, I don't want to see a picture, Jesse. Is there a picture? I don't want to post it. I don't want to see it. I think people might barf myself. Jesse, is there a picture?

We don't have it, thankfully. Okay, good. Okay, good. So, Emily... It's going to come out good on a picture. It's good. So Emily... Jake, Jake looks like he's doing his taxes. How many boogers are on the wall? So on the door, there's four. And then

the most recent one is above the door. Oh, so it's... Oh, I understand what you're saying. So it's like, I was thinking of it more like in Seattle. They have this like bubble gum wall. Yeah. Where everybody sticks their bubble gum on a wall.

It's just one guy and it's not every day. It's just everyone's why he puts a big bugger on. This is a point... This is like one of those burglars who takes a dump in your house before he leaves. You guys hear about those old burglars back in the day where they... Yeah, they're just like add insult to injury. They're like, I'm going to rob you. And then, I mean, I mean,

I'm gonna leave a dump with no toilet paper. Crap burglars, yeah. You're like, could you imagine the thought process? No toilet paper. You imagine being that guy's partner and go like, what the fuck you're doing, Jim? Let's get out of here. Come back with like a case full of spoils and gems

and then also be like, and I've done the thing again. Or you're in the back of the van and you go, what smells? Oh, I crapped and didn't wipe. Good rubbery. How about this, my king? Wipe your fucking filthy butt. Don't shit. Just don't, yeah, wait.

Hold it. Also, how fast do you, this isn't what this calls about, Emily. No, but it's true. When you have to do like a performance, your body shuts that part of you off, the idea that after a robbery. Yeah, I guess you're on a high maybe. Anyway, Emily, okay, so we've got about five little piles on the walls of this mucus person. I feel pretty confident saying it's a man, but I don't know. We don't want to get too into that.

No, I don't know. What else can you tell us? It happens, like, maybe once a month. And we don't work with a lot of men. When we were looking at this email, Natalie made a point of telling me that this is a thing that happens in women's bathrooms. It's good to hear. It happens in men's bathroom. Is that true?

That's what she said. She's not on the call right now, so she can't defend herself. but she made a point of telling me that. Look, Jake, it's where we are all animals. I mean, you know, it's, I'm surprised by that because I think I do. I'm not actually. Yeah. So, Emily, sorry, I'm just trying to wrap my head around how we could possibly help on this one.

So you work in a vet clinic. Is one of the jobs cleaning the anal glands of the dogs? Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. You know what that is, Gareth? Yeah, you got to express the anal. Emily, will you describe to our audience how you do that, Job?

So usually put a glove on your finger, some lobe, and put your finger in their butt to squeeze their anal glands out. Is this call not gross enough for you, Jake? And then something, it shoots out a little bit and it's got a really crazy smell, correct? Oh, yeah. It smells like fishy. And it's fishy, yeah. So fishy is a wild term to say out of like a beagle's butt. Obviously.

Fish you could have gone without. Yeah, agreed. To think about a fishy smell coming out of like a German shepherd's butt. Christ. We are running towards grossest call of the show. How about a pug's butt where you go like this? What's in there? Fishiness.

So, Emily, you're used to some pretty gnarly stuff. Yeah, that's kind of what I was thinking. Yeah. And so somebody who's doing. this, in my opinion, at that work environment, this is a F you. This is very similar to you're going to rob a place. And before you go, you're dropping some heat off in the toilet. So here's my question to you.

You said it happens about once a month. Yeah. So this doesn't feel like the kind of crime that would happen from an everyday worker. Yeah. Is there somebody who comes in, period, Periodically, I don't know the terms in a vet, but like, who's your regular staff? We don't need names. And then who are your biweekly drop-off, you know, vials of something?

You got any of those type of characters in that office? Not really, but our top contender is a part-time worker who doesn't wash her hands when she goes to the bathroom. Afterwards. What? What? What? What? So what do we know about that?

Now, mind you, everybody, before everybody gets their undies in a bunch, we're not accusing this person yet. View this as we're detectives. Okay, so everybody just take it easy. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this one. Buddy, I get it. Because, see, I'm pointing my finger in this filthy-handed booger flickers direction. Most likely, but we don't know yet.

You know it's her. You're the hot-headed cop. Who gets in trouble because you love your guts too much. Yeah, you hold me back. So, Emily, the one who doesn't wash their hands, can you tell us about this individual? Um, I mean, they're in their 30s,

and they only work the middle of the week. Okay. And they don't really care about anything, obviously, since they don't wash their hands. Okay. And what have you done to figure out who this person is? Um, we have,

have tried to narrow it down by like whistling the door and getting the boogers off before like the weekend since we're only open one day and it's like half the staff and like things like that but it just happens so randomly that we can't pin it down so here's an idea of how to do it here's my first pitch I want you every day to when you you get to work in the morning, the first thing you do, inspect the walls. I would say take a picture. Every day, let's take a little picture. Okay, or a video even.

Or a video. Just something to hold on to corroborate and make extra sure. But you're making sure, and then in the video, say the date, so if it's today, you go like March 26, 8 a.m. No boogers. Then at the end of the day, you do the same. Okay. And this is going to be...

Yeah. When you're accusing somebody of this, this is to go back to the detective thing that Gair said, we need a case that we need the jury to agree with us, so we can't go too fast on this. Because what we're going to then narrow it down to the day it happened, and on that day, if it happens, whoever didn't go to the bathroom that day is not a suspect. What if we, if, okay, when there is an employee, you're going to have to time this one out. Again, like we're saying, there's a little patience with this one.

Oh, I have a quick idea. Go. The next time you see a bugger in their wall, you go, you put a sign up that says, whoever was using this bathroom, could you please contact me, found money in the stall. So if you tell me how, and then they go, or found something cool, interesting, if it's yours, want to give it back. So they go like, I was in there. You know the bugger happened that day. Now you can narrow it down to eight people.

Another option is a dry erase. So we take a dry erase marker to the wall and we start circling the boogers. and we write on the wall, we will find you. Something like that. I don't think we want to challenge somebody like this because they know they can't put a camera in the toilet. Here's the follow-up. Just different pitch.

You, on the day that employee comes in, we pretend one of the 50 employees who probably quit. I mean, 50 is a lot of employees. I'm sure there's a good amount of turnover. We tell our prime suspect, that employee got fired because we're pretty sure they were wiping boogers on the wall in the stall. So you're trying to get them to confess because they feel so bad?

No, you're just trying to say to them, hey, there is a non-bigger wiping culture in this place. Watch your boogers. But I think the kind of animal that does that is doing that to say, fuck you. Emily. That's going to be tough. I agree.

I think they wouldn't care about getting fired. No, I think it's a little bit. I think so. And it's a really disrespectful thing because you know everybody has to see it. Box of tissues that says don't wipe your boogers on the wall. Use this, please.

I think you're getting more boogers. Okay. So, Emily, you got 50 employees, but you think it's potentially one dirty hands, McGee. Tell me why. I just feel like someone who doesn't wash their hand

is probably going to pick their nose and just put it on the wall. How do you know she doesn't, I don't know they don't wash their hands. Yeah. Like the toilet is flushed and they're walking. Like as the toilet's flushing, they're walking out the door. There's no.

So you're... One more thing here before I go. How close is your desk to the bathroom door? You can hear when they walk out after a flush, Emily. It's right next to it. Oh, so you see everybody who goes in and out, yeah? Yeah. Hey, Emily.

Has anybody ever said to you, you got a lot of boogers in that nose of yours? Are you saying what I think you're saying? You think it's me? Emily calls the show because it shows everyone that she works with, that she's on the trail of figuring out the bugger wiper. But the whole time, the boogers coming from inside the nose. It's been right inside her nose. That'd be crazy.

Just crazy enough to work. Emily, you're under a right. So, Emily, your desk is right by the door. That's a pretty big piece of information, right? It's helpful. Yeah. It's helpful. Is there anything else that's helpful to this case?

I don't think so. So anybody who goes in that bathroom, you see, correct? Correct. So walk in the bathroom. So this is very clear. Every time. That day. So.

That day. Well, first, let's narrow it down to one person. Dirty hands. When Dirty Hands is at work, you look before on the walls. No boogers. When Dirty Hands goes to the bathroom, you know what Emily does after? Catches a sniff of those fireworks. Yep.

She walks out, you walk in. Yep. Check the walls. Video. Video before employee suspect. walks in. Yeah. And then throughout the day.

If we've got, you're doing that with her, and then all of a sudden one day there's a bugger on the wall and it wasn't from her, she's off the list. Then we need another suspect. Because I'll tell you what we can't do in a bathroom like this, which is the clear one, is we can't put a camera in there. We can't do a sign about boogers because the kind of person that's doing this is already saying, I know legally there's privacy, Jack. But, okay, I think this works.

How do you feel about it, Emily? Because I do have a follow-up question if we like this. I think it could work, but I don't know what I would say. That's my question. They asked me why I was following them into the bathroom every time. Well, well, then you call back, but the first, this could be a two-parter. Okay. All right, I like that.

But what would you, what's your follow-up? What would you say then, Gareth? Yeah, my follow-up is, okay, we know who the booger. wiper is, what are you going to say to booger wiper? Confrontation. What's that? Confrontation. I agree. I agree. It has to be, hey, will you do this a favor? I know you wipe your boogers on the wall,

and they go, huh? Could you just do me a favor? I don't mind if you wipe boogers on the wall. That's your weird thing, but you just have to clean them off because I'm out here doing anal glands of dogs, and what I don't want to do is also clean your boogers off the wall. So do me a favor, Kathy, and just clean the boogers you put on the wall. And here's even something smarter, Kathy. Put them in fucking toilet paper and flush them down the toilet. Honest to God. Be wash your hands after you take a dump, and I'll tell you why.

Oh, fuck me. Because you're wiping your butt. So maybe that's getting on your hands, yeah? And then you're out here giving treats to dogs, yeah? 1820s dentistry. I mean, it's crazy. To work in a medical facility and to not be... It just shows how we treat our animals.

Yeah. Thank you, sir. Thank you. So you're cutting the cat open and all of a sudden. He's the founder of a chimp charity. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, available whenever I adopted a chip with Jason Gareth.

You don't have this hat. You're a sucker. There should be an asterisk on the back that said Gareth did very little. But no, I have an idea on what we could do with the follow-up, but I do think that is... What's your idea on the follow-up? Let's hear. I mean, how many people are in on this conspiracy that you feel comfortable talking to about it? That's a fair question.

or five. Four or five. Okay. My pitch would be Emily is going to find out if we can confirm that this person is the booger wiper. If this person is the booger wiper, we have Emily and who she would view as the most confident person in the inner circle. Because I'll be honest, Emily, I agree.

I don't think it should be you. And we're going to have that person do a soft confrontation. Or you know you could also do you could do fast You could go up to the woman who you think it is and go Hey there's all these rumors going around that people are wiping boogers on their walls of the bathroom You haven't seen any correct because I'm getting accused of this and I'm not an animal It's disgusted I think that opens up

Or everybody talk to everybody at work and go So people are saying these are people, someone's wiping boogers on the wall? I think it has to be some sort of splatter. Well, this is I, this is what I would say. This opens the pot. What we could do is we could have two other people in the inner circle call back in with Emily. And we can walk them through a fake confrontation where one of them accuses the other one of being the booger wiper in front of the actual booger wiper to show, hey, if you get. get caught in the trap as the booger wiper, you're going to get fucking...

Oh, here's another thing we could do. You could leave an anonymous note that says, I know you wipe boogers on the bathroom wall. Stop. I like that a lot. I actually think that's my number. And if it's not her, she goes, look, I don't. That's my number. I would put it under the wiper of the car.

Just fucking. Or how about this? Half the employees get a no card that says, stop wiping your boogers on the bathroom wall. You go, I don't. And then guess what? You're not guilty. I'm a way. You talk a little bit.

Where are you at? We've given some ideas here. I feel like confronting them directly. Like, no one's ever going to admit that they are the booger flicker. Okay. I feel like you wouldn't get to tell that they're lying. Okay. Keep going.

But I like the ransom note being like, I know. what you're doing. Wait, go on. You need to be a little bit more specific, yeah? And you feel like I could go crazy and just do the typing, like typing the letter and being like, I know that

you're flicking boogers onto the bathroom wall. Yes. And just like leave it out their desk. And go from there. By the way, you don't even need a threat. No. I know with weird caps. I honestly. I small or case, K and lowercase, big

O.W. I'm going to pitch magazine cutout letters. I want to go old school, old school. I respect the hell out of that. Ransom. I want to go old school letter, non-detectable, anything. I think it just amps up how crazy this is. And you're fucking with a crazy I agree. I know

you are flicking with no G boogers on the bathroom wall. I know you're the picker flicker. Make it very clear what it is. Stop with the boogers on the, and then go like this,

because it's gross. You're gross. And then you know what? And I didn't wash your hands. Also wash your hands. I don't think we, I don't think we double down. Okay.

I respect that too. But the next thing could be, I know you don't wash your hands after dumping, gross, but this is one thing. If we have to. A second hand watch. But Emily, you going to do this?

Yeah, I'm going to do it. Here's what I recommend. Here's what I recommend. Do the magazine, like Gara said, but then make a photocopy of it. So there's a few copies. Because we're not positive. It's her. And I would maybe put it in three different people's desks.

Okay. We don't know it's her, Gera. You know what? You know what I don't want to go back to? You're in Massachusetts. I don't want to go back to Salem. This ain't a witch trial. I don't want to burn a lady at the stake

because she's going off her instinct a little bit. Let the lady cook a little bit. Let her do her thing. Hey, if Emily likes it, I'm down. I just think it's funny. I'd rather go to kind of... Two people are going to be like, what's happening? Fine.

Fine. Then you'll go, you know what I would do? If I got a note at work saying, I know you flick your boogers on the wall, that's not something I do. I mean, but then it... Wrongly accused. So, Emily, going to you, what specifically are you going to do?

If it's the letter, what are you going to write? If you do the letter, we need an image of it, but take over. Tell us when you're going to do it, how you're going to do it. If it's the letter and you deliver it, how you're going to deliver it, take over. Gareth and I are not going to talk for the next 60 seconds. So probably this weekend, I'll grab some magazines or something. cut out the letters and I'll put, um, we all know you're flicking boogers on the bathroom wall.

And then I'll put it in like her, um, we have like lock boxes for our stuff. And I'll put it in there so she won't know who did it. And wait for her to find it when she comes in. See what happens. I think that's pretty good, Gareth. I like it. Yeah, as long as you have that, that A side of. feeling confident it's her, which I would monitor on that day.

But either way, if you think it's her, we'll know. Well, Emily, initiate the plan, follow up. I mean, you know, this is a wild one, but I definitely think this will help. All right. Have a good day. Love you. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your.

question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive

producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you you'd like to see Gareth, do stand up on the road.

Go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hit gum podcast. And we're brought to you by Not Suitable for Work. From executive producer Mindy Kaley,

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