We're Here to Help - 296: Fully Soaked & Baltimore Scuba (with Brandon Flynn)

Episode Date: June 8, 2026

The guys are joined by Brandon Flynn (Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed) for this special Monday episode! First, they help a twin wring out her bathmat. Then, they get a caller out of Scuba diving with his boss.Watch Jake and Brandon on Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed, now streaming on AppleTV+Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. We are back. With another one of the stars of maximum pleasure guaranteed, Brandon Flynn, how you doing, bud? Oh, I'm doing good, man. Congrats to you, too. We had just started that and I said, hold it for the intro. Today is May 21st when we were recording this.

We started, the show dropped May 20th. It's on Apple. Brandon, you're great in the show. What do you feel? How are you feeling? Thank you, man. I feel good. I mean, I'm getting inundated with a bunch of tag photos with me and my underwear.

I look good. It's inspired me to get back to the gym. Is that you falling off? Of course I've fallen off. That's the difference of our falling off and his falling off. Well, Garrett, Brandon plays a camboy, and he starts the show where he's essentially talking to the audience in getting them off. By the way, Brian, that's an intimidating job. Yeah.

That's an intimidating job. I mean, I'm glad I just. I wasn't intimidated by it at first, but it was just fun. I felt up for the challenge. By the way, I would agree. Hey, Gareth, give us a taste of how you would do it. I don't like where we're headed. So I want to run in the audience to watch Maximum Pleasure Guaranteen.

Now, you're going to see Brandon. Thank you for not pushing me there. Oh, God bless you. No, but Gareth, really fast in three, two, one. You're talking to the audience. Go. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What's up, everybody? Oh, this is awesome. I didn't give him some notes. There's no notes. I'll tell you what turns nobody on. This is awesome. All right. Take your pants off.

You know, that's the first. I don't know. I don't do. I don't know. I think he's going to get off the Zoom when I do that. I'll tell you, in this case, with Garrett, that I'd taken our pants off wouldn't work.

That, that's a, that's a game changer. No, Brandon, where are you from, man? What's your, how did you get into this whole game? We met briefly at the table. rude i remember that i was like i was like oh this and then you were doing a play um because i remember your schedule was insane yeah i was like driving their day of driving back um i was doing a play in uh williamstown jeremy o'hareis his new play um yeah i grew up in miami no way i know i know everyone thinks i'm a midwest boy for some reason but uh i'm a miami

boy. Like, born and raised, left for college, went to a conservatory in New Jersey, Rutgers. Oh, great. Shout out Mason Gross. And after I graduated, it was like hit the ground running, catering, auditioning. And, you know, three months in, I booked this show called 13 reasons why. And that was the launch. I really like, that was the launch.

And you said three weeks. into your grind. It's still very tough to hear. Who cares? Oh, my God. Don't say three months. It's tough to hear. That's,

three months. It was, you know, a lot of, as I'm sure a lot of us can attest, you know, I've, I felt prepared, but it was a lot of luck. I think it's a, you know, Scott, people and I, the show run of Walking Dead. And we have had a multi-year, at this point, over a decade debate of how much luck and how much skill is it? I do think there's some luck involved, but I don't think it's a game based on luck. I think it's very similar to cards where people go like, well, poker's lucky. It's like, yeah, if you're dog shit, but there are the same people who win the majority of tournaments, but every

once in a while an amateur can win a tournament. But they're not going to win a thousand tournaments. That's a really good way of comparing. Anybody can get a role. Yeah. Yeah, but when you keep stacking them, you go like, all right, there's something to it. And you're stacking them, man. You're great in this show. Thank you. I think what your job was, I had an easy job in this show. And, well, an easy job compared to your job and Tatiana's job.

Tatiana kills it. She's such a good actor. She's a remarkable actor. She's just like one of those actors where the minute she does something, you're like, oh, no one else could have done this. I agree. She like really does like private moments

very, very well which is totally I think so hard you know like it's so hard to like on a TV show especially like develop all that behavior and and just keep it keep it going

she's uh yeah it's good stuff and you and dude you are great in the show like you are fun and scary as well you know like

Oh, now we're talking. No, we're talking. Yeah, I am. No, Zah, he's like, I'm scared of him right now? Natalie's scared. Natalie's like, I'm scared to wrap it up. She's here, yeah. All right, we got to go.

We're all scared to Natalie. Hey, everybody, we just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of we're here to help. It drops a day early on Hulu. So you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved. This episode is brought to you by Function Health. Gareth and I both have done Function Health.

Gareth, what is your biological age on Function Health, sir? It's like seven years lower. What's yours? I'm 39.2, brother. Oh, that must feel good. You know, what? Was there anything you found on there where you were like high cholesterol? Calestral.

So I got to talk to Function Health for a second. Dan Gore, the creature. of Brooklyn 9-9. He was the office writer. He's been everywhere. The new show I'm doing on NBC called Sunset P-I, and I got to tell you, Function Health, he talks a lot of trash about my biological age and doesn't buy it. He's doubting you. Dan Gore is not a believer, function health, so let's, I'm going to pitch this. Can we get Dan Gore a function health code and have him on one of these ads? He's going to do our show, but Function Health, I would love to surprise him. Yeah, we've got to do a reveal. We've got to do a more.

Mori, you are not the father with the function health age reveal. And if he happens to be older than he's like, bravo, function health. Function health is, I think it's great. It's, uh, I use function. You get 160 plus lab tests. It tells you all your metrics on everything. It tells you all the different things that gives you an action plan for you nutrition, your supplemental health.

So if you're somebody like me and you don't trust doctors and you don't trust hospitals and you were a 90s conspiracy theorist and now you're just. A wild twist. It lets you control your health a little bit. Yes. You really want to know what it's, I mean, it sounds so obvious, but to know what your, what your body is going through, what your body needs, what your body has problems with. And your testosterone, when you get to be Jake's age, that starts to become difficult,

even though he's 30. He must be through the roof at 19. It's nuts, buddy. I'm doing the bar in the gym. So, uh, no way. It's just bar? Just bar, baby. And I need a spotter.

That's why we use function. It's like Jake said, it's 160 plus lab tests. You can really see what's going on. So check your health the way that Jake and I do. And Dan Gorson, Function provides 160 plus lab tests for $1 a day. And member pricing on MRI and CT scans, join at functionhealth.com slash here to help

or use gift code here to help 25 for a $25 credit towards your membership. Say it, Jake. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by booking. Dot com. Uh, buddy. com is great. It's easy to use. You just had, you're staying. You just said, I can't help but imagine that if you, you just had, uh, Eve going on a cross

country trip with a man named Rick. And, uh, I used booking.com to book Rick and Eve. I mean, that is just, you know what my brother and I have started calling, uh, as of this mother, Chopper five called me this morning and we talked to 45 minutes and I was cry laughing. Absolutely. Honestly, it was the hardest I've laughed, I think, in over 12 months. He was on such fire this morning. We are, we're referring to Eve now is Miss Evie.

Good. And he was doing a voice of what Miss Evie likes and what Miss Evie doesn't like. Gareth, it was good. And I'll tell you, Miss Evie doesn't like Rick. No. Miss Eve, you know, like Rick. Is she still holding a grudge to Rick who drove her across the country? Yeah, it's still coming up.

Yeah. Kind. It comes out. The new grudge is me. Miss Evie's not happy with Jake. I'm the new Rick. Why? I'm too controlling.

Oh, my God. Well, it's nice to be controlling. Like, when you use booking.com, it's important. Listen, you got, you got kids you're traveling with. You got your parents you're traveling with. Whatever you're doing, let's say you want a big kitchen. Let's say your friend with a Lisp talked to big game, even though his S's sounded like THs and he says that he can cook you a great meal.

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Yeah, book today on the site or in the app. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by. Steve Berg's Omaha steak. Oh, buddy. Does he love him? Does he love him? He's Mr.

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$45 off when you use promo code here to help at checkout. That's Omaha Steaks.com. Code here to help. Terms apply. C-Sight for details. Gilly, get us out of here. That's right. Omaha Stakes. You're going to be saying, oh, ma-ha, do I like these? Omaha Stakes, here to help. Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, Gilby, Canada, living in a closet.

Hello. Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. Can we get your name, please? My name is Olivia. Olivia. Where are you calling from, Olivia? I'm calling from New Jersey.

Wait, this is our first Olivia. Yeah, but you would know that. And I've got a daughter named Olivia. Olivia, you go by any nicknames? A couple. Live or Olive. Olive's cool. Livy.

Olive's a good one, yeah. Yeah, Libby. My family calls me Livy. Livy or Olive. We'll call you Livy. I'll call you Livy. Livy, listen, you got a great setup today. You got Jake, you got myself,

but you also have a guest helper. You heard him just there from the show Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed. Right now, streaming on Apple. We have Brandon Flynn joining us. So there's no way. Yeah, yes way. Hey, I'm going to call you the Big O if that's okay. That's good.

That's going to remind you. It's definitely okay. That's going to remind you of the beginning of maximum pleasure guaranteed. Yep, that's all we'll say. Hey, Big O, have you watched? A maximum place. It released yesterday. So not mad if you haven't, but have you watched it yet on Apple?

I haven't, but it's on my list. Me and my dad are planning on watching it. You're going to watch it with your dad. That's great. Brandon wants you to watch it with your dad for sure. Yeah, hey, Brandon, why don't you tell Olivia what she and her dad are going to watch in the opening scene? I play an innocent, innocent boy who is forced to take off all of his clothes for Tatiana Maslani. And, you know, think.

I think Marilyn Monroe singing happy birthday. Why don't we do this, Livy? If you're planning on still sticking to your plan of watching it with your dad, do us a favor. Set the phone up right next to the TV. Don't need to tell dad. Let's just get a video of you and dad watching the scene where Brandon's forcibly taking his clothes off. That is so funny.

Olivia, will you film you and your dad watching? Pay the tab, Olivia. I have a quick idea. Olivia, what's your dad's name? Robert. Robert, Brandon, will you really fast say, what's his last name? It will beep the last name? Will you and we'll send Olivia just the clip of this?

And you can play for him after and on your phone. Will you say something like, hey, Rob, you like that, baby? Or whatever you want to. Let me know if you want a one-on-one. And then Olivia, don't tell him any of this is a half. I don't want to do whatever you want to say. Want a private one, Bobby? Let's just see, let's blow this guy's mind

I cook this up just for you All right, all right, on three, two, whenever you're ready Hey Robbers I see you playing with that mouse Why don't you click the tip button And really get this party started I can't believe we haven't even gotten to the problem yet

We've already solved the problem I feel like I'm sweating bullets We all are An amazing beginning Yeah, I mean. Olivia, what a promo for the show, too? Natalie, will you please get that to her ASAP so she could watch that with their dad? And then Olivia, will you send in, I don't know how you're going to do it with recording it and the phone.

Send it to your dad. Send it to your dad and I have him watch it in front of you and you record. Pay the tab. Pay the tab, Livy. Fantastic. Pay the tab, Olivia. Hey the tab, Libby. I'll give it to him on my iPad.

Perfect. No, sir. All right, Olivia, what's going on? What can we do for you? Okay, so my twin sister and I share a bathroom when we both live at home between college semesters. And when she gets out of the shower, she is completely soaking wet. She doesn't dry off in the shower. And then she drenches the thing.

Like, I'm talking so completely soaked through that when I step in it, sometimes it'll splash out a little bit of water onto my ankles. You're saying the bath mat is, like you can ring the thing out. Fully soaked. It's fully soaked. Like, you can ring it out and fill up a little. bucket. That's insane, Olivia, but I get it. What's your, what's your sister's name?

Her name's Emma. Emma. This is crazy. Are you guys fraternal or identical? Or fraternal. I got paternal twins named Elizabeth and Olivia. Maybe I'm Robert in that video Brandon made was for me. And I'm touching my little mouse.

Why? I don't know why he got. Because he said, click the mouse. Yeah, but he didn't say little. Nobody said little. Olivia, get back to you. That's quite an admission. What am I going to say?

My big mouse? It's called a rat. He's a grower. He's a grower. Never call it a rat again. Do you understand me? I'm watching. I'm uncomfortable.

If you're my father, I'm uncomfortable. Olivia, nobody feels good. Olivia, take over. Okay, so have you talked to her about this? Have you said something? Does she give a shit? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

For years. I've said, hey, like, that bath map's kind of crazy, huh? Like, can you pick that up? And then she's like, yeah, of course. And she'll go and do it in the moment, but then she'll just do it again, like the next time she showers. Or sometimes she won't even pick it up. She'll say, yeah, I'll go do that.

And it's still there. Yeah, that's brutal. And I'm not picking up this wet bath mat with my bare hands anymore. It's like a wet rat. Well, I'm the smell. Stop saying wet rat. Don't think I didn't hear that. I don't think there would be a smell because you just got out of the showers.

No, but over days, that's going to start to stink. It's going to get milding. Yeah. You wash like every three days. After days, I'll end up picking it up. Yeah. Okay. So you and.

Emma are living at home. You guys share a bathroom. I'm going to assume it's a little Jack and Jill just to make it cuter. You guys, you get out of the shower and like a regular woman, you towel off and dry off. She doesn't.

She stands there dripping ass naked. And then when does she put her towel on? I mean, I'm not usually in the room, so I don't know. I guess after she's shaken off like a golden retriever after a rainstorm, She might be air drying.

She might be air drying. And up to this point, what have you tried? And then what is the specific question we can help you with? Okay. All I've tried is just like asking her to pick up the bath mat and like, hey, don't do that. That's nasty. It doesn't work. So my question is how do I get her to stop leaving the disgusting wet bath mat on the floor for days at a time?

Okay. Okay. And then, Brianna let's go to you for a second. What's your process? Now that we've set up, you're the sex symbol of the show. Sorry, Gary. And sorry, Steve Berg. Yeah.

That's who's really going to get dinged. What's your post-shower routine? When do you dry off? My, I actually, I have the towel hanging right next to the shower. So I usually just grab it while I'm still in the shower. I've turned the shower off. Yes, of course. I grab the towel.

This is normal. Yeah, I, I. You're doing it while standing on the shower floor. Shower floor, yeah. And, you know, once I get the legs, then I step over the bath ledge and I, uh. Yeah, I mean. Are you the same? Yeah, basically, because we're all trying to avoid this problem because you want to preserve

the bath mat for as long. I mean, it's there and you want to utilize it. But the idea is that it is a secondary port of call. First is the dry off, then it's there to pick up the residge. Let me ask a question, Olivia, when you brought this up, because I'm the same. Yeah. There's a threshold you don't step over, and I think probably 95%, there is going to be commenters being like, no. It's healthy to let it all soak in.

I get soaking wet and I walk down the streets of 7-11. Don't get the shower floor wet. That's why there's a bad mat, you idiots. That's what the bad man was invented for, so you don't have. to do that. Your towel stinks. Your towel stinks quicker. We're going to get a bunch of the towel stink people. It's called a floor towel. Would you rather the bath mat smell or the towel that you're drying yourself with? That's exactly what it'll be. Idiots. And then I'll go, all right, I hear you. So. By the way, we love the engagement. Thanks, everybody. Yeah. So, Olivia, when you brought this up,

is her argument or the look on her face? Is she kind of like, fuck you on punk rock? Or is she like, you're weird. She definitely doesn't think I'm weird. It's more of like a, I don't fucking feel like doing this, so I'm not going to do it. Oh, so she's a little punk rock. Hmm.

Maybe I'm wrong. I wouldn't say punk rock as much as lazy. Okay, how would you describe your sister and then as twins? You guys were in a womb together, eating off the same juices. Wow. Oh, yeah. What's the vibe?

How would you describe yourself in a few words and how would you describe her in a few words? I would describe her as like, she's, like, unique. She's fun. She's, like, weird, but in a way that is charming for sure. She's a very, like, spiritual person, like, crystal tarot cards. Like, she's cool, but, yeah. That's got a sense of the big O. Yeah, the big O.

as they call me as Brandon calls you as Bob's going to call Brandon That's right Who else is there? As Bob's going to call Brandon I mean I'm pretty like we're pretty similar

I would just say my interests Lied more towards like I garden and I paint like You guys got a cool vibe She says I'm a weirder version of her I say she's a weirder version of me. That's the vibe. I like this sisterdom.

It's good. That helped me. That helped me. The specifics there helped kind of round out this dynamic and relationship. And maybe there's some, look, you've tried the conversation, so that doesn't work. We can either go with a lean-in. We can go in with overblowing the issue, or we could go maybe a silly route. So, Brandon, I'm going to go to you for a second here.

We have a hard one here. We have no ideas. What's your first thought of a pitch of how do we fix this problem? Yeah. I mean, what's good is there seems to be a lot of love here, you know? There seems to be like a lot of understanding of each other. So that's a good jumping off point, you know. Not so much animosity.

That's true. I'm wondering if she's ever had a request from you that feels sort of civil. similar in this, in this vein. And if there's, if there's a meeting of minds that he had here, like I'll sacrifice doing that. That's actually really interesting. Alina, do you do anything, because you are twins. And the way you described her and you is very similar.

What's the weird thing that you do, Bigo, that drives Emma crazy? Well, okay, so she is misophonia, which means that like certain noises like make her tweak out. So usually it's like please don't breathe so loud. That sounds like a her thing. Like I'm a tidy person, you know, like I'm clean. Like I don't really leave anything in the bathroom. One time she did accuse me of causing dust to land on like the counter around the sink.

She said it's really dusty. That's a her thing. That's a shocking accusation. You're just pitching her thing. No, I was very surprised. I said, I didn't even know how I would do that. Olivia, what do you do that's weird? Me as a person in general.

If Emma called in with the same thing and said, my twin sister's a nut, she does blank and it drives me crazy. It's not going to be breathes. And don't say likes a dry bath map. Um, sometimes if I wash my face with a wash cloth, like I'll leave the wash.

washcloth hanging on the faucet, like a dry. First of all, congratulations on opening up, and that's horrible. What you're doing is horrible. You are also a war criminal. You two are war criminals of different nations. What I really love is you both practice hygiene, though. It sounds like it's a daily practice of hygiene, which is nice. I agree.

And does she, does she is annoyed by what you're doing? No, she's never brought it up. I know in my mind that it's annoying. Maybe the move to Brandon's pitch is maybe if we want to try to meet in the middle, maybe you need to step up your sloppy bathroom etiquette. So there is something that makes her upset. That's interesting. So like if you fingerprinted the mirror a lot,

or if she does have the misophonia thing or whatever it's called, You could start squeegeeing the bathroom floor after she exits because it's so sloppy, making a loud squeegee sound that would drive her to the brink. Well, also, with the dust. But also, Olivia, with the dust thing, she seems to be a little bit clean, freaky at times. Let's make that bath mat disgusting. Put ketchup on it. A.k.a. Parmesan on the mat.

Talking about Parmesan on the floor. Parmesan on the floor or we're going to catch up the mat. What if you actually put Parmesan cheese on the bath mat? So when she stepped out wet, it webbed her toes. And she goes like, what the fuck? There will be an odor. And then you know not to step on it. And then guess what?

She's got to come out dry. Because what if we get something that gets activated when wet? Parmesan. It is the. All in one. Like what is the grossest thing? That's fine, dry, but wet. I mean, I hate to keep coming back to Parmesan,

but it's very effective from what you're talking about. Yeah. It's your brand now. Parmesan. Flower is interesting. Flower's good. Flower. I'm bringing it down.

Nutritional yeast. We have that. Think about something that if you step on it dry, no effect. If you step on it, Three cats. Go ahead. Cat hair.

Oh, yeah. Cat hair is... That's a good one. Cat hair is... There's three of them. That's pretty good. Cat hair is... If you step on cat hair, it's nothing.

If you're wet, it coats in between the toes. And if you're soaking wet... Cat hair the mat. I like cat herring the mat a lot. You can tell by Brandon's face that we're all feeling a little nauseated by the concept. And then maybe when she starts saying, she's noticed, say, yeah, they, I guess they kind of, I've seen them laying on it. I think they like it because it's kind of like a wet. It's a little damp and they like it.

Totally. And especially because it's heating up here in Jersey right now. It was 94 yesterday. Yes. Yes. This is good. I think we will all sign off on cat herring the mat as long. We call it cat mat.

Now, are you good with this one, big? go? This is great. This is fantastic. Great. So you're going to go get one of those brushes that you might already have that really collects the cat hair? Yes. Okay. That's what you're going to do. And you're just going to brush the shit out of the cats. And then you're just going to LeBron James at all over that mat. And might I suggest,

if you need it, have a secondary mat stashed for your showers. Oh, see, I do. That one, she finds it, and she gets it wet, too. All right, we're not going to overturn that, Rock. I think we're in a good zone. We're going to get out. She's in a Corsica. We're going to let her leave the lot.

Yeah, get out of here. This is great. And then, so Olivia, you owe us. You got to pay the toll. As you know, we don't charge for this advice, but the toll is going to be film you and your dad watching that opening scene. Film your dad watching the Brandon thing. Do not tell anybody in your family, so it's a big surprise, so he trips out.

Yep. And then let's get some photos of the cat hair mat. Please. Let's see the hair in your hand before and let's see the mat after. But Olivia, do not laugh and this isn't a funny thing. You have to deny it if she goes, hey, did you put cat hair on the mat? No. Oh, I'll deny it.

I can do that. Because what's going to have to happen is when she goes in the shower, you have to sneak and do it. she can't see it until she steps on it. Well, you can do it before the shower. I don't know. Yeah, I'm going to have to do it before the shower because we have to lay a little layer of cat hair. Oh, you can't get in there. Okay.

Yeah. I'll spin it. It'll work, though. When she steps on it soaking footed, I mean, she's going to look like a chimp. I do have a question. What's up? Is my dad watching the video from Brandon before or after we watch? Olivia, what kind of question is that?

After, he probably doesn't know who I want. That's the worst question possible. Yeah. I'm sorry. Before it doesn't mean anything. He'll go, I'm holding my little house. No, no, no. This is after the scene and you go, pause it and go, is this appropriate for us to watch together?

And he goes like, I just watch the show and go, all right. Will you check this out really fast? All right. All right. The instructions are clear now. I'm ready. Okay. Olivia, follow up with us.

You got a lot to do, kid. I will. Thank you guys. This is good. All right. Can't wait. Cat wait. Cat weight.

All right. That's enough. Olivia, hang up. Enough. Get out of here. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. You guys know what Rocket Money is? Yeah.

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join at rocketmoney.com slash help. That's rocketmoney.com slash help. Rocketmoney.com slash help. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by booking.com. Booking.com helps you get it ridiculously right so you can find exactly what you're booking for. Gman, you're on the road constantly. The hotel you're in, did the show book it or did you book it using booking.com? You know what I've been doing, Jake, is I have to switch hotels so often.

that I started asking the clubs if they'll just give me a buyout. And then I'll find a hotel that's in between the places. I'll go to booking.com. I'll find a place that is kind of equidistant. And I get a couple nights in the same hotel. They couldn't make it easier. Well, I've got a question for the audience here. June 19th.

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How are you? Good, good. What's going on, guys? Well, you're doing the show. Hey, listen, you got Jake, you got myself. And listen, we got a great guest. We've got a killer here. We're one for one so far.

We have Brandon Flynn joining us from the Apple show that's now streaming maximum pleasure guaranteed. So let's get your name, sir. What's your name? Well, we'll do Patrick. We sure will. Patrick, where are you maybe calling from if not that it matters at this point? Baltimore. Baltimore.

All right, Patrick. How old are you, Patrick? 38. 30 years old. 30. Okay, great. All right, Patrick, what's going on, buddy? So I need you guys who said my boss has been repeatedly asking me to scuba dive on the weekend.

He, you know, said he was maybe going to take a class about a year ago. I made the mistake of letting him know, oh, I used to dive. That sounds great. It's a great sport. You'll have a lot of fun just to make conversation. And then over the past year, he's gotten very, very into scuba diving to the point where now he's asking me just about every other week go scuba diving with him. You know, on day-long trips, he's mentioned maybe even making it a monthly thing. Jesus Christ.

I've blown off. I'm blown him off maybe four times at this point. My education elapsed. and I've given him some different excuses, but he just doesn't seem to be taking the hint. What excuses have you given him? So the go-toes. So the go-to, the problem is he kind of corners me in like a vague,

oh, like, would you be interested in getting back into it? And I said, like, yeah, maybe at some point. And he took that to me like right now. and then he you know he's like oh well you know getting re-certified is no big thing now that you've gotten the official thing so you know i've referenced like oh i'm just really booked right now kind of expensive money's tight i you know i just bought a house with my girlfriend um and you know he keeps hitting me with with different stuff i also told him like you know it's it's just a tough I want him to get comfortable with the sport.

If I am ever going to get back into it, I'm going to want to do it consistently if I do. And none of it's quite working. I guess my biggest thing is, how do I get out of scuba diving with him and more than that or get him to stop asking? Yeah. Understood.

Well, that's pretty clean. That is clean. The tough dynamic, want to keep the ball. boss happy. Also, don't want to spend one of your days off going to see the beautiful Baltimore ocean. Yeah, I mean, what's, where's our head, Zach? I think, I really think we might just need to go. I think it's a big lie. That's what I think we got to go with. I think we can come up with something. Brandon, what about you? Yeah, I've got a couple of questions. Go ahead. I mean,

one is like, you know, why not? It's a good one. You know. Interesting. I would never ask that. Why do I not want to go with my boss? Correct. Yeah.

Good question, valid question. A couple things. We don't have a, like we have a fine working relationship, but we do spend, like, we kind of have a small team. We spend enough time together, and I don't want to, I don't particularly enjoy it. long periods of time with him in the office, much less in my free time. He also was like very close with someone in the office that worked under him too,

and they had a falling out, and their work relationship has gotten way worse. There's kind of multiple... Yeah, I mean, I can cut to the chase a little bit also. You don't want to scuba dive with your boss on a Saturday. I don't want to scuba dive with anybody. I could hear myself saying somebody goes, you like interested in scuba diving in the right mood?

I go, yeah, sure. Then they go, how about Saturday? I go, no can do it. Then they go, how about next Saturday? I go, no can do. By the third, I quit asking me. Honestly, it's true. I'm making it clean.

I don't want to scuba dive with you. And that doesn't mean I don't like you. It's not, I just don't want to do that. Well, he's pushing you in a corner, you know, and you've done the nice version. Like all great wild animals, we've got to react. Yeah, you've done the, you've tried the nice version. You've tried the honest version.

I mean, at this point, yeah. We're going to get you out of this. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I thought about like a very direct approach. No, no. But we can't support the people that met him. No, I don't want to do that. He's too sensitive.

Yeah, you know. Yeah. If he has falling out with his employees. He's a little bit emotional. We got to keep the job. Number one priority is work stays work. Yeah. But we can get you out of scuba diving for,

Patrick, how do you feel about a nice, clean old lie? That's where I feel like we're leaning early. But before we put you in this car and see if you like the way it feels, let's see if this is a kind of zone you want to drive off the lot in. I'm willing. Okay. Is that where, is your heart kind of leaning towards lie? Where is your heart kind of leaning?

As long as, I think as it's believable, absolutely. Oh, we can make it believable. Are you, you a, you know, you're going to be a little. liar. He told us his name was Patrick. That's true. That's true. That's definitely not his name.

That's accurate. He's also not from Baltimore and he's not 30. 30, I know. He also doesn't have a boss. He just wanted to be honestly. Scoobie diving in Baltimore. Whoa, nice tire. Well, that's the thing too is he

he like, he wants to do, he's talked about like day trips up to a quarry in Pennsylvania where it's like, like 30 degrees. And he's like, oh, you know, it's too long to drive back in a day. But don't worry, we can stay with my buddy. And this is a nightmare. I mean, my boss is a grown-ass man with kids and a wife. You are pitching hell.

Different phase of life. Hell. Okay, let me ask you a question, Patrick. Are you a married man? Are you recently married? Do you have children? Where are you at? Because we could use this and you won't believable.

I mean, there's stupid lies we can do about your lung explodes underwater. But let's go realistic. So what's what's what? home life looking like these days? So I recently moved in with my girlfriend. Okay, this is perfect. We have no kids, not married.

We're looking at getting a puppy. I told him that was going to be a thing. I told him I've been paving for a ring for her. Okay. No dice. Okay, that's fine. What's going to wear? Who is going to work? Before we

before pitches, I want to warn you, like we have a sort of a physical, you know, more sort of security. So like we have a physical job where if it's like a tough like physical disability that would run into like sort of the job. So that's interesting. All right.

That's good to have off the list because I was definitely thinking lung capacity or some sort. No, no, no, no, no. I've got such a clean one. I got a clean one too. Brandon, I think I do too. You want to start us off, Brandon? Okay. I mean, it may not work with the job.

That's fine. Safe space. But I think it might work with skid diving. I'm not an expert, so I actually don't know. But I was actually just talking to a friend last night who went on a flight and the flight was damaged his ear. Like he got, he had like so much congestion in his ear that he couldn't fly. So I'm assuming that would also, that would take, that would take care.

care of, and that offers about a year of recovery. Like you have to wait. Yeah. That can be a lifetime get out of it. That could be something happened. You've been getting these headaches. It doesn't affect the job at all. But they said there's something with flying and water now kind of out because it creates

this ringing. So I got to figure out what I'm going to do. And he goes, oh, that's such a thing. I got to push it with flying because I got to fly. But I'm done going more than 10 feet underwater, Jack. Patrick, thoughts on that? Yeah. That feels pretty good.

Yeah, I mean, that's pretty clean. And we actually, he knows I've got some trips coming up and flying and, you know, there's some, we're going to some beaches and stuff. So there's potential for like a good. But Patrick, you talk about how sad you are on those beaches. You don't get the fucking scuba. Yeah, exactly. You go, you and me, you and me are scuba brothers, dude. Can you imagine us at scuba in?

But that's so easy. He goes, like this. And then you go, do me. And then you got to do me a favor here, man, because this is killing me. I can't hear about your scuba adventures. And she goes like this. I get it. And you go, just because it's killing me.

You know I want nothing more than the fucking scuba with you 50s. The beach lamenting. Looking at a dead body in Baltimore. God damn. I wish I could just get out there with you, man. Fucking love that ocean. Love to spend a day with you sleep at that weird friend of your house. See some guy named Gino who got thrown in the water in the late 70s.

It's cooking in there with too much of jewelry. Whose necklace is dangling in the lobster stew. Just dreaming, just dreaming to see these fish going through. Yeah, man. I'll get to do it anymore. Listen, I like all modulations of this. I think the ear is good. I was going to go with some sort of yip story,

but it's an easier physical ailment feels better. I got a different one, too. Let's hear yips. Well, yips would be, you're going to have to. Yips would be you're going to have to do this sort of quade from Jaws, where you're just going to have to eventually just, you know, just be like, look, there's something I didn't tell you. 20 years ago when I was out of that ocean,

I stared eye to eye with a shark. And that shark looked deep inside my soul. And I told it on that day, if it let me go, I'd never go back into its habitat again. And I shook the fin that day, and I decided to hold true to it. And as much as I'd love to spend the day with you and your weird friend who probably has too much jewelry

while he's cooking a spiceless soup in the kitchen and I could sleep on a couch and hurt my back. I can't do it because that day I shook the fin with a shirk and I made a lifetime contract. I mean, there's that version which I also think it would work. I think ear might be stronger, but I do think that you saw something, but I don't think that works with security.

Let me give you a third option, and I do think this is clean and I do think this could work. and you just have to break it down with them and you go, hey man, I got to talk to you on the level. And now that I'm living with my wife or girlfriend, we had a serious talk and she doesn't want me scuba in anymore. And she's embarrassed by it. We had a big thing where she wasn't sure she wants me to do security,

but I told her I love my job. But she's like, if we're going to get married and have a puppy and maybe have kids and we're going to do this thing and I, you know me, man, I'm saving up for a ring. So I'm doing the thing, she said, I can't open up my heart to you if you're going to scuba in the most dangerous waters of all time, and that's the Baltimore waters. It's so murky. You could go headfirst into a rod. He just scuba in through murky waters, brother.

But the idea that girlfriend has asked you not to do this dangerous stuff anymore, consider in your job. and you don't know what to do, but you're on break, so you're not going to be available for anything and go, so man, don't ask me to skydive, don't ask me to scuba. I'm kind of locked up at home these days. I'm what you call whipped, my friend. Good, too. Why don't you pick a lane for us, Patrick,

and we can kind of pick in that direction. So you've got physical, which is the ear. You've got yips, which is some sort of deep-sea anecdote, or you've got scapegoat. You just say your girlfriend is just, she don't want you doing it. What are you feeling? I think the ailment, like some sort of like,

I think an ear infection is good because like you can have one of those without it affecting your hearing. Yeah. But also mess with like the pressure and your balance and things that might get messed up underwater. So let's do this, Patrick.

will you, Brandon, will you be the boss and will you ask him if he wants to go scuba in and Patrick, let's hear the cleanest where you can get out with the ear thing? And then Brandon just asked the questions that you think you would naturally ask if you were trying to go scuba diving

with a friend of yours. Okay, okay. You ready, Patrick? Yeah, sure. Took you a second because you're like, who's Patrick kind of thing. Yeah. Remember your character's name here, okay, buddy?

Remember Patrick, Baltimore, 30? Yeah. You're about to do a scene I'm talking to a 55-year-old guy named David from San Diego. Who doesn't even have a boss? Our show is catfish. All right, so let's get doing it. Brandon, whenever you're ready, invite Patrick to Scuba.

Hey, Patty, Patty. Patty, want to come on in my office? This is a wild take on the boss. Oh, yeah, yeah, what's up? Man, this has been such a tough week, hasn't it? I would love the blow off from steam scuba diving this weekend. And I was wondering, you know, how about you finally take me off on the offer? I will pay for you this time, this one time.

Oh, wow. That sounds awesome. That sounds like a great invite. You're welcome. Unfortunately, yeah, that is so, so nice of you. unfortunately my doctor just said I can't scuba die you remember that trip I went on like a couple weeks ago right No I don't

I got this weird Yeah like remember when I took that week of leave Wait is this real Patrick? Did you actually take a week of leave? Will you? No but I'm about to Okay so this is going to be based off a real thing Oh so we're in the future okay

That would have been a helpful note to know Okay. Agreed. By the way, Brandon was doing a steeper impression, whether he knows it or not, right, Jake? Solid. Yeah. It's very good.

And so, Patrick, we'll keep in mind, this is what we're going to ask you to do, and we're going to maybe ask you to voice record it with your boss. So I need you to be as real as possible. You've got to pay the toll on this way. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So let's start again and get us out as clean as you can.

And remember with every great lie, and this is a CIA technique. the less details the better, because if you keep adding stuff, your story's going to fall apart. Yeah, keep it simple. Keep it simple. All right, let's start again.

Brandon, whenever you're ready. Patty, can you come into my office, please? Sure, boss. What's up? Oh, you don't have to call me boss. You know that. Yeah, yeah, I know. So look, it's been a tough week,

I mean, it's already Thursday. I'm dying to get out of here. I would love to go for a long scuba weekend. And I think you should finally take me up on this offer. Hotels are taken care of. My buddy Urik is coming. And it'll be a great weekend, just the boys, you know? What do you say?

You know, that sounds awesome. But I've been having this ear thing, and it's been really, it's been painful to go swimming lately, and I don't think I can scuba dive. Oh my God, an ear thing. You might, can I see? You want me to look at it? You want to look in my ear?

I mean, it's like an inner ear effect. Oh, God. Man, it's never been a boss, we just realized. No, no. As your boss, you want to look in your ear? If a boss ever said that. that fired. Yeah.

Fired. Maybe. Maybe. It's good, though, because presenting all emotional options in a scale. Yes. How do you, Jake thoughts on that? I feel pretty good. I feel pretty good.

I mean, and really stunned me. Yeah. Yeah. I'm interested in his boss character. Yeah. For sure. Yeah, we need him coming back. It's a different scuba trip than I imagine.

I don't know who. the friend is. It's a weekend. It's an Ulrich. There's a hotel. Something's happening there. That's really interesting. But Patrick, to you for a second,

do you think that you'll be able to, do you want to say that you went to a doctor? Do you want to keep it simple? When you say an ear thing, because he might go like, here's what I'm afraid of. If it's vague like that, he'll ask you again.

All right. All right. Well, let's maybe do in a couple weeks. I wonder if he asks you, you go, oh, hey, man, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm out on scuba diving. Yeah, maybe. Why, I've had an ear issue. I finally went to the doctor.

I have this, like, you know, built up pressure. So I, with altitudes higher and underneath, you know, I can't do scuba. It, like, creates this ringing in my ear. Maybe it's a two-parter. Maybe what we just heard is the A side before the doctor. And then if he asks again, that's when you say, no, I went to the doctor. Oh, maybe we do it pre. ask, maybe we initiate, and you start going,

my fucking ear is killing me, man. He goes, you okay? And you go, yeah, I just had these weird headaches. And he goes, do you need anything? You go, no, I'm fine. It's not going to affect my job at all. And then you just go, like, layer. Plant the seeds.

You do that a couple times, and then you go, long-term lie. Long-term lie. And then after a few weeks, you go, dude, I went to the fucking doctor. Guess what? I got this thing because, I don't know, what happened, but I guess it's like build up.

So I can't go, I have to do minimal flying and I can't scuba anymore. Or you got to wear earplugs when you fly and you can't go under 20 feet underwater, 10 feet underwater. He's like, he's like, scuba's outing and I got away these fucking protective things when I fly. Damn it. I really wanted to go in the ocean. But you don't even make it about him.

It's just so that he knows you're saying, it's no invite, it's no rejection. You can't scuba, you can't do, like you can't even. and go off diving boards anymore. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. Crazy. And this is a not near an invite. It's not personal.

So that later when he's like, oh, you know, I'm thinking to go in scuba in this week, I can't invite Patrick. He's got that weird ear thing. Nice. What do you think, Patrick? That feels pretty good.

Nice. Yeah, I like the, I like the planning the seed, so it's more of a buildup and then proactively saying, I can't do it. Okay, so let's pre-endant. with the A side being, you got this ear thing,

and then the B side will be, you're out, you just found out. Yeah. You're going to do it? Like after the doctor. Yeah, two weeks later, you say to it, dude, listen, I don't think I can ever go scuba. And then if he asks you in the meantime while you're doing this ear thing, you start the ear thing literally today at work. Yeah.

And then if he goes, hey, you want to go scuba it? And you go, yeah, I got this ear thing. I got to check it out. and he's like, all right, let me know. You're like, I'd love to, but this fucking ear has been thing. Shower's been a pain. And then he goes, but you don't know what it is. Then he keeps going, how about this week?

And I still got this. I'm getting it checked out soon. He goes, you got to. I know, I'm just, you know, behind that and stuff. And then not at all near an ass. Middle of the day, eating ham sandwiches on the site. Guess what, man? I got bad news.

I got a retired as a scoop of a diver. What? Yeah, perfect. I can't scuba that no more. Why? Scuba die. I can't scuba that because of these ears. Freaking ear.

I got cursed with these pressure ears. Then you could do me a favor when you're down there. Swim. Swim like the shark for me. Please, boss. Kill them. Make a video. Send me a video.

Tell the ocean. I said, hello. Patrick, what do you think? I think this is going to work. I think we have a winner. Okay. I just encourage you to lock in, like, a local ear specialist, so you have a name.

I love it. Yeah, you can also draw. You don't bring it up, but in KCS, you're going to Dr. Hoover. That's a great idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just have a guy. Just in case, he's like, let me send you to my guy. No, no, I'm going to Sam Cipiro.

He's the best. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. My boss is the type that would be. Now, Patrick, we've set you up. You're in a good spot. Jake's saying maybe today you pulled the trigger. Either way, the toll on this one is just an audio recording.

It can be in your pocket, whatever, nothing crazy. But let's get audio of you pulling off the A side. So when you call back in for a follow-up, we have a little pepper for our chat. You know what I'm saying? The A-side being just talking about the infection before the doctor. Pulling him aside. Exactly right. Yeah, exactly.

All right. You feel okay about that? Yeah, you guys got it. Absolutely. All right, Patrick. Thank you for the call, Brandon. Thank you for joining the show. And real quick, fake Patrick.

You're going to watch Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed on Apple. Streaming right now. Yeah, I got to check it out. All right. Yeah, baby. Tell all your friends. Tell all your friends. Tell your boss.

Say that's what you're doing instead of Scooby. Oh, man. But I'm watching this maximum pleasure guaranteed instead of Scooby-diving. An adventure in its own right, boss. Patrick, thank you for the call, bud. Thank you, buddy. Hey, thanks.

Big fans of you all. Thanks, friend. Love you. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon. com slash Here to Help Pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions.

Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelicki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only,

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