We're Here to Help - 3: Please Mute Him

Episode Date: August 25, 2023

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about tattoos and a misunderstanding at work. Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help with me, Gareth Reynolds, and Jake Johnson. We are at episode three. Now we have momentum. Now it feels like a thing. Now it's a podcast. Well, if you're sticking with us at this point, now you're in. You know, we were flirting with you before, but now we're in a relationship with you. Is that right, Garfman? Yes, absolutely. Yeah, there's stuff left at your house. There's

overnights. It's really starting to feel like a thing. There's a group text about us. Go ahead. I saw you drinking some white can, some weird energy drink. No, it's not. It's liquid death. It's water. Oh, okay. Never mind. Their business model is to look like it's something bad, but it's just water. I thought you were drinking some like really gross energy drink. And I just saw behind you on the nightstand, we're doing this via Zoom,

there was two other ones, or three. And I thought, you're a fucking weirdo, dude. I'm in a hotel just chugging for intros of a podcast. I was gonna say like,

get your life together, my guy. You just see my mouth getting like a kind of dry green spit film. I mean, absolutely. Yeah, but you're drinking water. That's a good thing. We have two great calls today. We've got a guy who at work

got himself in a tough predicament. That is a really fun call. And then we've got a woman who's got a problem she's got to tell her parents about. Without further ado, let's start the old podcast. Hi, what's up? That's our question.

Now, what's your name? My name is Brooke. Brooke, hi. Thank you for calling. Hi, thank you for having me. Brooke, hi. Thank you for calling. Hi. Thank you for having me. Brooke, this is Jake. And Gareth, he likes to go by Garfy, or at least that's what his mother calls him.

Yeah, she calls me that, but it's like a family name. Well, no, but let's not embrace it. It's a family name, and I at no point okayed it for the show. So it kind of keeps getting brought out. But Jake said it's okay. Yes, but you'll find that jake okay gareth is there let's keep going so brooke the year is the nice thing here so you go by brooke i go by jake yeah uh gareth's mother calls him garfield uh where are you i like

that me too i'm from jersey but i live in philadelphia so let's just say Philly yeah that's Philly yeah Philly you're right I should have been cool and said Philly yeah Garfield Garfield Philly that's how we roll around here so Brooke I can't sit here idly when you keep doing it you just I let you get away with the last Garfield Garfield we got to continue and uh how old are you thank you I'm 32? Thank you. I'm 32. You're welcome, Jake. I'm 32, yeah. So, Brooke, from Philly, you're 32. We're both tired of Garfie getting mad about being called his name. I know. I'm mad.

When someone has, I'm sorry, I will jump in again. When someone has a name, you just call them by that. Like, just because my mother, it's one of those things that I wish Jake didn't find out about, obviously. How long is this going to go on, Garfie? that's a question for you the long as long as you do that so brooke really fast i just need to ask our producer kevin a quick question kevin hi uh kevin do you have the ability to mute garfield when he gets mad and goes on these little rants i do okay so brooke if you want him muted or i want him muted yeah let's just say mute Garfie. Mute Garfie.

That's our code. I like that. That's our code, Brooke. Not a great code. You were muted. Damn it. Brooke, he's actually talking. I'm seeing him.

Now I'm back. That's amazing. Stop. Well, how are you, Jake? Now I'm back. How are you? Great, Brooke. How are you?

I'm still here, everybody. Hello. Hi. Hi, Garfield. Hi. Hi, Brooke. All right, whatever. Can you please tell us the reason for your email?

So I have a bunch of dumb tattoos I got when I was like 18 and 20. And it wasn't a big issue. I kept being like, oh, i'll tell my parents when because okay a little background like my dad's a judge they're cool people but they always fucking hated tattoos am i allowed to curse on this is this okay was that okay sure um so they always hated tattoos and but i was like wanted to be rebellious so i got a few when I was like 18 and going to college. And I live on the East Coast. You wear sleeves a lot.

And I just kept covering them up. But here's the thing is I got a lot of dumb tattoos because I don't like making appointments. I'm really lazy. And I lived in Philly. I went to a lot of house shows. I had everything but an office job. I worked as like a PA, worked at a pretentious thrift store.

A lot of my friends gave me tattoos for free. So I got like dumb tattoos that I thought were funny that have accumulated over the years in my early 20s. Brooke, can I interrupt you for one quick second? You can. First of all, I hope you don't feel embarrassed about having bad tattoos. Gareth, you want to talk about what you have on your arms, brother? Oh, God, what do you have? Oh, gosh. Well, this will probably be, you're probably going to wonder why Jake stopped.

So I have two tattoos, both cool. My parents know about both of them, and they're totally cool with them. Most of my friends have never given me any guff about them because they're cool. On one arm, I have the logo of the Green Bay Packers. And then my more recent tattoo, I call the cat too, which is of my cat, Jose. So I have that on each arm. Can you describe more of the tattoo of the cat too which is uh of my cat jose um so i have that on uh each arm yeah can you describe more of the tattoo of the cat the cat um or isn't there like no no no no it's like he's flying through the sky and um in my head he took some sort of hallucinogen and his third eye

is shooting a rainbow out of it yeah like a care bear leave out a lot at first i guess i did i guess i guess i did now that I hear it back, I guess I left a little bit on the table. Sure. There were some details left out of that. I mean, the major ones. Sure, it's a cat. Yeah, with a rainbow brain. But I like it. I'm on board with that tattoo. The more you explained it,

the more I liked it. That's good. Well, while we're stopped, before you jump back in, what are these tattoos that you got okay just so we kind of have an idea of those i have like a cherry a cherry i have a playboy bunny that i got at a party when i was like 20 on my on my thigh that's on my thigh that one's like up then on my wrist uh on my arm i have a corny one that was like one that's sentimental the one that's sentimental i hate explaining because i hate that it's like a corny one that was like one that's sentimental. The one that's sentimental, I hate explaining because I hate that.

It's like a corny story behind it. But it was just like right before my grandma died, she gave me a jewelry box that had this bird on it. I got that bird tattooed on my wrist. But the other ones are dumb. One is it says the word jinx on it, which is from a Green Day song because I think I'm a fuck up. So that one's just a self-deprecating tattoo.

And then the other one is the one I got really drunk when I was like 20. That's just a heart with an arrow that says, quit playing games with my heart, like the Backstreet Boys song. Right, yeah. So these are the ones you want to take to your parents. Yeah, you telling me my tattoos are good now makes so much more sense after hearing that list. There are some i mean no

offense obviously you know there's some oh that's harder and harder to hear go ahead jake i know i know the way that you feel about brooks tattoos is the way that i feel is the way i feel about your arms well the best is what i told when i told j about my cat tattoo, I was so nervous. And he was like, he's like, it's bad, but the Packer one is still worse. And I was like, oh, the relief. Oh, phew. Mine, I can't even imagine what picture I've created for you guys, because I said I'm from Philly, and I have like a Playboy tattoo.

It's bad. But I promise you, it's bad. I know. But they're literally just so like, whatever. They just look like outlines. And they're kind of like weird little hidden parts. Look, here's the reality. Those are just, I mean, tattoos are bad, but they're also funny.

And sometimes the irony is great. I mean, I joke with Gareth, but God bless a fun tattoo. Right. So what is the kind of question? You haven't told your dad who's a judge. I haven't told him in 15 years. And at this point, I'm like, do I have to? Okay, so you're kind of the thing that's been hanging over your head

that you feel like is an annoying problem, but you made these decisions, whatever, regret them or not, who cares? It's just life. It's our bodies. Right. But now you're like, do I spend the rest of my life and not tell my parents or do you just stand up strong and say, mom, dad, dad, you're literally a judge, but I don't care about your judgment. I love you. You love me. This is what I've done. Is that the question?

Right. Yeah. Like 90% of the time, it's not an issue, right? Like I've just, when I do see them, they're visiting me in the city. I'm wearing like long sleeve but the other day for example i went to the beach my parents have a place it's the jersey shore and i have like heard of it seen the series so yeah um i you know like movies when girls are like having that dramatic move like makeup moment where they're doing their makeup and then they're like reevaluating their life and then they like smear their makeup on purpose and they're like what am i doing i had that but with like covering my wrist with a tattoo i was like why am i fucking doing that 32 like they don't know they don't know about they don't know about any of them because of the wrist one i'm thinking that's got to be hard so none of them none of them i have four on my arm i think think I have my advice, Brooke.

What is it, Jake? You're a 32-year-old woman. You've made these decisions, but they're yours. Your parents seem to be cool people, but they don't fully get you, Brooke. You could spend your whole life and do this ridiculous hiding. But here's the reality. Do you have the kind of parents who would like disown you or like, yeah. So then what I would, what I would consider doing is on a fun day with them, I would say like, if you're doing like five days with them, I would say towards the end, there's something I need to talk to you guys about and I need it

planned. And I would make it a little silly and I would incorporate your siblings so that it was a bit of a game. So you put your parents in a slightly uncomfortable spot and that is they have to be a little charming, right? Like, you know, it's not like you just tell them in passing and your dad can say like, what first comes to and you go like well those words really hurt me you put them in a spot where it's like others are watching maybe you film it on your phones so that everybody's a little so everybody's yeah you heighten it right use this podcast and you say i went on a podcast you know i'm gonna have to go back on but they asked for your thing and you turn it into a fun, silly thing that you did so that their disappointment they can kind of handle on their own.

But you don't have to absorb any of that like negativity. And I think you tell them. I think it's time you open up. I think when you're with your family, you should be in a tank top if you want to be. And if they don't like it, then they got to deal with it. I think Jake's right. I like that advice. I like the filming.

Some of those videos where kids will like pound a bottle of champagne at dinner and the mother's disapproving. Maybe that's normalized the reveal culture a little bit. So I think Jake's advice is great. I'm going to go in a different direction just so you have options. OK, you're at the Jersey Shore. There's a boardwalkwalk surely there's a place to get some henna tattoos right i would sleeve up the arms and tattoo the arms up

so that your reveal is terrible you're like mom dad i've got to tell you something yes this is a great idea i have tribal. I have tribal tattoos. I have all, whatever you want. Terrible. Just leave it up. You give the reveal. They're shocked, horrified. After that dissipates for a minute, you let them know the reality.

The good news and the bad news. The good news is 95% of these are fake. The bad news is when I was 19 or 20, I made some mistakes and I got some tattoos I didn't like. Among them I love is this one that's a testament to Meemaw or whatever you called your grandma. Yeah, yeah, my grandma Mildred, my dad's mom. We're good with that one. So then maybe you're coming out with this atomic bomb

and then you're revealing it's a grenade. Brooke, do you like that advice? I think I'm late. Like I said, I'm lazy. atomic bomb and then you're revealing it's a grenade brooke do you like that advice i think i'm late like i said i'm lazy i didn't even make a single appointment for any of my shitty tattoos so that sounds laborious and i'm gonna tell you where that could also go sideways yeah if one of my kids one day goes like dad i gotta show you something and they are from ears to ankles with fake tattoos and then they go like it's a joke and it takes four days to take the henna ink fully off and then their bodies are smeared in colors and they're like no you don't understand it's a cherry under the henna

i'm gonna go like i hate you i don't hate your tattoos i hate the way your brain works. So here's my spin on that. I would go to your parents. I would film them for this podcast. I would have a sibling do it. We would love to see that footage. I would make it clear you're embarrassed to do this. I would keep it very honest. And I would start with what Gareth said, which was great, with the grandma tattoo.

I would show that one i would show the cherry i would show the jinx and i would show quit playing games i would i would bury the lead of the playboy bunny on the thigh that's not something a parent ever needs to see yeah i agree with you that one never happened yeah and if they happen to see it later at the beach exactly let them go to each other and the quiets of their night brooke yeah fucking playboy bunny what is she doing and they go like we love her just stop let's not even talk yes exactly i that's the advice because i'm ready for this to end the charade i'm going to record it and tell them and you guys can be my accountability coach. And Brooke, 100% lead out with the grandma thing.

And there's going to be a lot of adrenaline going and you're going to be nervous. And a lot of times what happens with that is emotions come up. Don't be afraid of weird, unnecessary tears when talking about the bird on the little toy box and let what your dad go like, I hate the tattoo, but it's sweet how much you love to my mom. Yeah. And then you could also in that moment just say, and there's a lot of other little ones.

Yeah. That's great. And Jake and I as actors will tell you that when you feel a little bit of a tear, just quake the voice a little bit. We've done that on set a bunch together. Don't be afraid to let the voice lead. Even though there might not be tears, the voice can sort of tease it. Yeah. So let me just do this before we go, Brooke. And we got to get off in a second here. Gareth, will you show us, and don't do it to be funny. Could you give us a real read where your voice cracks with crying. Say something. Can the line be, I really want Brooke

to tell her parents, but I'm afraid of her dad, the judge's reaction. What if he doesn't approve? And obviously you can paraphrase. I just really want Brooke to show her dad the, sorry, sorry, show her dad, the judge, the tattoo for the grandmother, and just to sort of get it out there and see what he thinks. That was good. Security guard. Brian, by the way.

Wow. That's going to be me on the Jersey Shore. Brooke, good luck to you. Yes. Let us know. You guys gave me the best advice, and you guys Shore. Brooke, good luck to you. Yes. Let us know. You guys gave me the best advice and you guys are fucking awesome. Good luck, Brooke. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Brooke. Thank you so much. Bye, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important.

Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over. They're, like, asking for snacks. They're being annoying. Or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help and Babbel is going to help you.

Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started relearning French through Babbel a little bit. Interesting. Yes. Because I used to know French, but then I don't know French. But it's still there. You know i don't know french uh but it's

still there you know what i like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology yep because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country yes if it can actually help with the accent yeah that's a big. And applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in. Like when I think back to taking French, it was just like so much of it was like, I'm never going to do that. It's like, how do you order food? How do you get a drink? How do you ask for directions?

But so Babbel's great. Now listen, listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Wait, one quick pause. Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale. This is interesting. Michigan State University and others prove that Babel is better. So one study found that using Babel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at

college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours. You just did a semester. Yeah. Let's say you didn't go to college. And you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours. You just did a semester.

Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer. All right. Hold on.

Let's get him. Kevin. Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were.

He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, we can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running.

It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious XM. Now, listen. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get 55% off your Babel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen like Laura from one of the calls earlier.

These are standalone at babel.com slash hth Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off babel.com slash hth spelled B-A-. Get 55% off babbel.com slash hth. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash hth. We're going to want you to babble. We want you to babble.

I'll tell you what, I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garf, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement replacement and it was crazy.

It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah, you would use ZocDoc because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what I like I actually use ZocDoc we since we started doing it I do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going

to get an mri on uh but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like doctor said to me about my hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just uh he goes i've had a doctor who looked at about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... He goes, I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc.

But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically... And again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy.

Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You would get a fist bump? Literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world. Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free.

Did you hear? How much does that cost, Jake? Free. Free. That's right. And then find and bookDoc app for free. Did you hear? How much does that cost, Jake? Free. Free, that's right. And then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc dot com slash H-T-H. Hi, you are on with Jake and Gareth.

How you doing? Hey, doing well. Thanks so much for taking my call. Yeah, thanks for emailing and calling in. So I guess I should just go into my question then, huh? Well, let's start with this. What's your name? My name is Mark.

Mark. And how old are you, Mark? 34. 34. And where are you from? Atlanta. Atlanta. Atlanta. And how old are you, Mark? 34. 34. And where are you from? Atlanta. Atlanta. And nervous or coffee, Mark?

Maybe a little bit of both. Okay. Yeah. Okay, Mark. So go ahead. Why'd you email us? So my problem is about a girl that I work with, a girl that I have developed feelings for.

Okay. that I work with, a girl that I have developed feelings for. The problem therein lies that she thinks, well, everybody at my company is under the impression that I am a homosexual man, which I'm not. There was a little bit of a misunderstanding when I was new at the company. And this was a couple of years ago. I didn't have a podcast to call into and get advice. And I asked my friends what I should do And they told me to roll with it Because it would be good for my career Just very quickly and then keep going

What is the misunderstanding? Just because that feels a little strange So what was the misunderstanding where people thought you were gay? What happened? So I have, I wear contacts most of the time, see? But one morning I couldn't find my contacts and so i grabbed the closest pair of glasses that i could find because i was running late and they're like a rainbow pair of glasses that i own because a few years prior to that i had some money left over in my fsa so i went to zini.com and went buck wild and got like

seven different pairs of just fun glasses. Okay. Alright. I'm wearing my rainbow glasses at work and at this point, I'd only been here for a couple of weeks. So the people I work with don't know anything really about me outside of work. They're like, this guy does Excel and that's what he does

and that's all they know about me. And I started getting these compliments like, yeah love your glasses and i was like oh thanks man this is a great group and at the end of the day i was getting ready to leave and um the ceo actually because it's a small company was like hey is it pride this weekend and i was like uh yeah i think it is all right have a great weekend and i left left. And then I was driving home, and I was like, why are you asking me about pride? That's pretty bizarre. Okay.

And I finally put it down. I was like, oh, these guys thought I was being loud and proud about my sexuality, you know, and just, like, letting my flag fly, and, like, good on them for being so supportive, right? But, Mark, you never said you were gay. They assumed you were gay. Correct, yes. But you never said you weren't when they assumed i did not say i wasn't you're right and since that happened there's been situations like this is a really good example a couple months ago i had jury duty and i was kind of complaining about it ahead of time like

i don't really want to do this guys ever and somebody was like oh but mark maybe it won't be so bad maybe there'll be a cute guy there and i just went yeah maybe you know because hey maybe there will be a cute guy there right i didn't say anything about you know i just kind of leaned into it a little bit but also first of all mark i gotta say i like your perspective on life because maybe there will be a cute guy that doesn't mean you want to sexually be with them yeah but it might make jury duty more fun to be surrounded by a couple of hunks right exactly exactly right so mark how how long ago just you might have said this but how long ago did this start what is the amount of time since this started to now so probably for about three years so there hasn't been a moment that was they said point-blank like we know that you're gay

and we accept you and you didn't say like I agree but all the hints are going in a certain direction and you have not stopped it because you started it with the glasses and then it just started to steamroll and you kind of don't know how to get out of it. And it's kind of also been helpful for your business a little bit. You're exactly right. In fact, I haven't really wanted to get out of it until this aforementioned girl started. So then let's hear a little bit about her, her entrance into the company, the crush, how she treats you, because women sometimes are very different around gay men than they are straight men. And she might like you because

she views you, trust you in a different way because she thinks you might have different intentions. So can we hear a little bit about the meet and greet her story and where that all kind of lines up? Yeah. So she started, started um less than a year ago but we didn't really start talking until um a few months ago it was to be fair you've never really started talking i mean you've just explained exchange pleasantries oh no we're like friends now me and the girl are like pretty close right because we've like we bonded or we both really like taylor swift um and that kind of came up. Mark, I'm not. And again, I don't mind.

I could give a fuck what anyone does with their life or likes. But the Taylor Swift, it's not like you're moving away from that direction. You understand? Or do you just really like Taylor Swift? I just really like Taylor Swift. That's just God's honest truth. I've got to be honest. I'm saying it doesn't help you. But hold on. But I'm also the same way. I really like Taylor Swift. That's just God's honest truth. I've got to be honest. I'm saying it doesn't help you.

But hold on. But I'm also the same way. I really like Taylor Swift. I really like Olivia Rodrigo. I also like Taylor Swift. I do. We're just three same men that like Taylor Swift. Nothing wrong with that.

So you and Mark, what's this woman's name? Just so I get it. Even if it's a fake name. Mary Grace. Mary Grace. Okay. So Mary, Mary Grace starts working and do you guys instantly form kind of like a friend connection? No, it wasn't instant. It was, it was a number of months. Okay. Respect. And now have you guys hung out outside of the office together? We've had work lunches together where we leave the

office, go off campus and get like Jimmy John's or something. Okay. But we've not hung out. Just the two of you? Yes. Has she ever mentioned other guys, boyfriends, or like, isn't Stewie from Accounting cute? She is. I happen to know that she is single. Okay. She might be casually dating some guys, but not enough to mention it in a work setting to a work friend. But like, these are the kind of things you really talk about, you know? That makes sense. And how serious are you? This is wild. This is a great call. Thank you for calling. And how serious are you, Mark, about pursuing Mary Grace?

Well, you know, in the beginning, we were just friends. But as we spent like more time together, like, we really hit it off. We have like have like great chat you know we get along really well we text a lot outside of work which i didn't mention but that's i think maybe important um well not a lot we text some it doesn't matter texting outside of work is enormous yeah yeah yeah i mean this is a this is a, this is a bond. I mean, you're friends, you know? Yeah. The danger is if, if you are her gay coworker who she really likes, but doesn't see this way. And here's what I'm worried about for you, Mark, because look on this podcast, we don't claim to have good advice. We don't claim to have the right advice, but we are on the team of the caller, right?

Yes. We want to win for Mark. That's all we want. Oh, thank God. So I called the right, right? Yes. We want to win for Mark. That's all we want. Oh, thank God. So I called the right podcast. Yeah. So you're in the right place. Now we might steer you in the wrong direction, but our intentions are to give you advice. And then we want you to kind of make your own decision. Obviously. My question on this one, Mark, is how important is this job to you? Well, I like, you you know paying rent and buying food do you have any other potential leads if this one goes away uh i don't but you haven't you know i've been i'm happy with

this job outside of this very great situation which isn't really a terrible situation like kind of worst case scenario is i just have a great work friend right because i'm going to tell you if you've been working there for you know anywhere from two to three great work friend right because i'm gonna tell you if you've been working there for you know anywhere from two to three years is which is what i'm gathering and you come out and say you haven't been gay the entire time it was in i think yeah you come into you come in and say in fact i've been straight this whole time. And they start doing the math on interactions that you've forgotten in the moment right now, where at the beginning with the Happy Pride Week, there was probably a few other things

that people like put a feeler out to go like, oh, cool. Mark's gay. Great. But now we know that. And that was established. To change that and go, all of that was a multi-year lie. Con, yeah. Is, uh, it's, it's, it's, this is, I don't know how you're going to stick around at the company.

It's tough. See, if, if we were in like month four, there's a move. I think that you have the fact that you have hung in there and sort of let that be established and never tried to buy it back is a problem, because I think to maybe what you were alluding to, you've gotten some sort of benefit out of people thinking that you're gay at work, which, you know, in reality is like you are, you are continuing the, I don't want to say lie, but you're allowing people to believe that longer and longer. It would be very, very messed up for you to now say that they were all mistaken and you never told anyone. And I worry that with Mary Grace, if you sidebar and you go, hey, you know, I'm actually not gay.

It's this whole, you know, it's this kind of web that I got caught into. The fact that you've developed a friendship and then you're texting, I think she could misread that as you were being nefarious with her too. I've got some advice, Mark, but I'm going to need- I've got a pitch too. Yeah. I got a pitch here. This is a goddamn high wire act and it might end up with you falling down. The safest bet is don't pursue Mary Grace.

and down. The safest bet is don't pursue Mary Grace, continue your job and hope you get outed in a way at some point or end as Gareth says, in a way that's clean. And then you apologize and you get fired. But here's the other thought. If you really like Mary Grace, if you guys are having a lunch, you could act as if as crazy as this sounds but you are forming feelings for her now from your point of view mark it's not that crazy but it could just be like i don't know if you're feeling this too but i am having these thoughts in fact as i'm saying this there's no win because if she says aren't you gay and you say i was that's a really okay that's dog shit well okay let's allow me jake this is bad and again the play you have to stick with unfortunately i and i don't think this is even good advice is you have to just stick in the predicament you've had

unless you feel like there's a way to buy it back without people feeling like you betrayed them. Hold on, Gareth. Gareth, let me jump in. Go. This is a game of subtlety, yes? You have never said you were gay. They have never said you were gay. Everybody is being very politically correct and sensitive. So if I were you, what I would do is slowly start planting the flag, such as at work,

you go, did anybody see that new Jessica Alba Instagram? She looked really hot. And somebody at first will think you're saying that and they'll be like, oh yeah, she's fierce. And you go like, and she's a great looking woman. And more and more you go straight things. You just start mentioning so that they go is Mark gay so that it gets in their head that they go, did we just assume he was gay? And for you, you play dumb. Mark, have you ever over leaned in? Have you ever made it like if you tried to do that, would somebody be able to go?

No, but Mark told me X, like Mark said, have you played that part too much for you to be able to do something like that? I don't know. I mean, probably the most part I've played would be the girl. Like maybe you'll see a cute guy there. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Maybe I would, you know, that's probably the most. Hold on, hold on, on mark you got to finish that so when they said maybe there's a cute guy there would you finish what you said it was something along the lines yeah maybe you're right i guess it might not be so bad or something like that it wasn't like there is i'm gonna kiss him really hard or something that's what i'm saying garrett it seems like but that's i know it's it's not great but it's demurring but garfield we're on mark's team right we're my agree so so how do we get him out of this

here's my pitch okay and i think i i like what jake's saying i think there is something there you can just plant the seeds and have people so i think that's a fine direction what i was going to say when it comes to mary grace is you could buy yourself some room within the narrative that's been established if you tell her that you're actually by no so here's the problem i had a feeling you were going to go there. What we can't do, Mark, is you can't start a relationship with Mary Grace as a lie. So you can have a lie at work. Who cares? You know, honest to God, who cares at work if it's a job that's not personal and you're just the guy who does excel? Whatever. You know, is it ideal? Of course not. But you cannot start an intimate relationship with somebody based on a lie. That makes you, in my opinion,

it puts you in a really dark zone that I just don't think you want to live there. Now, I think your choice is this. Pursuing Mary Grace or continuing your job. I think you put yourself in an unwinnable corner and I think you got to go, do I like this woman enough that I have to be honest with her and therefore potentially expose myself to having to be honest with everybody at my work? Or do I say, I have a good friend in her, and maybe in years when we both work for other places, we can have a really big laugh and this

would be a really fun story, but most likely it's not going to happen with her. If those are your two options, where do you think you go, Mark? Probably not doing anything and just keep it on, keep it on. I was hoping you guys would have some, I mean, I guess that's kind of probably what I should have expected, but I thought it'd be some good advice. Geez. There's no,

there's no silver bullet for this. Yeah. This one, Jake's right. The only thing you could do is if at one point you start to get a little bit like you maybe don't want this job, you could tell her the secret, but if you value the job

you're just opening yourself up to people finding that out and then that puts the job in jeopardy so but does it though because they can't fire me for not being gay no yeah but it's just that it's just not what you want at work yeah the problem isn't firing you yes it's the problem is that it's like it's been years yeah and years of years of that, undoing that, I just think is going to be pretty precarious, especially because this all started with the CEO. I mean, the CEO finds out about this. He's going to feel misled. Even though this is not on you, you just wore some rainbow sunglasses you bought

because you had a little extra money. You didn't think it would go to this. But you are where you are now. There's roots in this situation. So Jake's right. You can't think it would go to this, but, but you are where you are now. This is, you are, there's roots in this situation. So Jake's right. You can't lie to her. You know, there's, you do have to pick. And if you really like the job and again, even this advice isn't great because we're

saying, I continue to let everyone think you're gay at work. Look, this is a lose, lose. This is a lose for you. And it's a lose for us. Kevin, you got something? I have something. And then we have a few callers that we got to hop on next with. But my advice is we're recording on a Friday.

When you see your coworkers, they say, how was your weekend? Say, it was fun. I went on a date. She was super funny. And just have it be that. Walk away. Drop the mic. Just leave little heterosexual breadcrumbs and wait for people to pick up on them. I don't hate that because you never have to explain the old backstory. Yep. You just say that and you let everybody know and then don't keep pushing it. And to your point

before, Mark, it's like, you know, they shouldn't be allowed to over pry into your sex life. I mean, you're, you know. And so really quickly, Mark, before we get off to the, the best of your knowledge, what do you think you're going to do? Probably just continue letting everybody at work think I'm gay and do my best to lean away from that. But, um, continue to let the toothpaste doesn't go back in the tube. Yeah. I think, I think you're all right about that. And it's kind of the Kobayashi Maru here, but I appreciate the tube. Yeah. I think, I think you're all right about that. And it's kind of the Kobayashi Maru here,

but yeah. Much. I appreciate the honesty. Then the advice is don't rope poor Mary Grace into this. This is the, this is the poison. You got to eat on your own, my guy.

Thank you guys. I appreciate the sound wisdom. You're the best. Thank you for the call. And whatever. I appreciate it. All right. Bye Jake.

Bye Gary. Bye. It's Gareth. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at Oliver Raleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke.

You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, That was a HeadGum Podcast.