We're Here to Help - 30: Not “When Worlds Collide” with Laura Clery

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Laura Clery talk to a caller who made a big discovery and someone else who wishes they didn’t.  Check out the We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com! Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPod See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

all right yeah we're in we're in the intro. Oh, man. I was going to have a little backstage. All right. Well, welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Despite what you read or what you hear, it is the number one podcast in America. Also, despite the numbers. Despite the numbers, there's a lot going against what I'm saying. But there's a lot going with what you're saying. That's why I love you, buddy. That's why you're my man. We have a great episode today. We definitely it's a bit of a racy episode. Agreed. So it's after Thanksgiving. So we're going to wake you. We're going to shock you

back into reality with our first call. We actually have a guest for our first call, who is Laura Cleary, who is hilarious. we're very thankful to have her on the show you can follow her on instagram or all social media at laura c l e r y she's on tour um but she makes great content and she was uh yeah she was great uh great on the show and so yeah the first call is is wild and the second call is wild too. The second call is about what happens when your kid at school does something to reveal a little private stuff. When worlds collide. When we're, ooh.

So we got a great show. We really helped you out. There's the title. We got the episode title. No, I'm just kidding. Well, let's let Kevin pick. Yeah, let's do it. I think Kevin should do that.

And so we got a great show. We're very excited about it. We want to thank Laura for joining us. And without further ado. Nice. Enjoy the show. Yes, he's stuck in the landing. Hey.

Hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. You know the format. You're on with Jake. You're on with Gareth. And might I say, we have a very special guest in my opinion arguably the funniest person on instagram laura clary is joining us so i hope you're nervous and anxious and all that but we'll get into that wait hold on before we start here laura do you have an australian accent by chance no i don't i'm from chicago illinois have you heard of it yeah i have wait was that

was that a chicago one yeah wait i just realized all your accents are aust. What do you mean? This is like a full Chicago accent? Swedish. Wait, but can you do a Swedish accent, though? That's one I don't know. Oh, man. I mean, I'm in Australia. It's early. I would say something along the lines of That's your German. That's your German. Do your German.

No, the German is far more filled with the V's and the Ws is Volkswagen. Ich spiele etwas Deutsch. Laura, you have crossed the line. You know how you say I love you in German? How? Ich liebe dich.

Isn't that so romantic? I can only imagine being in bed post-coitus and having someone shout that in my face. I also like how close you got to your camera there, Laura. You do? Okay. So caller, we have not forgotten about you. What is your name, pseudonym acceptable, age, approximation, and where are you calling from? Yeah.

So my name is Marissa. I am 30 years old, and I are you calling from? Yeah, so my name is Marissa. I am 30 years old, and I'm from Savannah, Georgia. What's going on? What can we help you with? So I am in a predicament here. A little backstory. I was raised really religious, in a religious environment. So anything that has to do with sex is considered a sin.

so anything that has to do with sex is considered a sin and especially when it can't like when it comes to self-pleasure or masturbation like you're gonna go hell you're gonna go to hell for that hell is gonna be pretty full i'll be honest but keep going exactly yeah so i have a lot of like religious trauma surrounding that so i recently got married and my wife was like, hey, you should, you know, take some time to yourself, learn your own body. You may enjoy like fan fiction or erotica or something like that. You just feel free, you know. So she was out of the house one day. I decided to give it a shot. I just typed in the word erotica and I was scrolling through like little tags that they have in the like least explicit one that caught my attention was female audio so as I started listening to it I almost immediately recognized the voice that was like moaning and groaning on the other end

and this is a wild setup Marissa yeah you're setup is really, I think you're edging us. I'm excited for where this goes. So you're listening to female audio that you found on an erotica site and you recognize the breathing. She was speaking in a low whisper, explaining what she was doing to herself. Because I know this person well and because they kind of whisper talk anyways I quickly put it together that it was my co-worker that I've actually had beef with in the past and I can't prove it I mean I don't know 100 but it sounded just like her so I quickly got out of

there the next day I went to work told my other coworker, who I'm close with about it, and she was like, I have got to hear it now. So I pulled it up for her, played it, and she was like, oh, yeah, 100%. That's definitely her. Hold up. Hold up. She whisper talks at work too? Yeah. She's just one of those people that whisper talks, you know?

I don't really know how to explain it. She's kind of got a sultry, yeah. Maybe she, like, slams them like hits her finger in the microwave and is like oh yeah yeah i could what jake i'm painting no hold on jake i'm painting a word picture allow me the freedom to do that please thank you my question is what am i supposed to do about it how am i supposed to be in the same room as her how am i supposed to make eye contact do i like confront her about it and make sure that you know what what if it's not her or do i just let it go and when you said you had beef with

this woman what happened well she's not my manager but she's acted like she is in the past okay um so we just haven't got along what would you say laura because jake and i are guys it depends like how's the movie of your life right now is the plot dull do you want to spice it up that's kind of how i like to look at my life sometimes as a movie do i like this movie can i you know rewrite this next scene? What do you want out of your life? Do you want to be petty and have a confrontation? Because you could go that route.

That's interesting. You could confront her, and that would be fun. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. But I think, Laura, I think you're dead right. And I think we need a little bit more, Marissa, because right now we have a setup. I think we need to know a little bit more.

What are you thinking of doing with this? And then I think we can help you decide and pitch ideas of what you can do. Because there's an easy solution and that is move on. Yeah, the high road would be to do nothing, to live and let live. So she's got a little side hustle, right? A little, eh, to pay that, you know, a little extra money.

That's fine. I agree. Or you can be petty and you can embarrass her and like whatever. So yeah. What, what, what do you think? Where are you at here? Well, um, this person has been very petty towards me, especially in the past. So I at least want to have something up my sleeve in case that happens again.

I mean, look, I got a bad pitch. I'm going to start us off uh i'm not into this i'm not excited about it but the premise of the goddamn show is we're with you marissa right this woman's petty laura said you know do you want to rewrite the story of your life a little bit you want it to be exciting and you seem to like that what i would do is if i were you in this situation is I'd maybe play the audio on speaker and just pretend you're having Bluetooth issues. You're at your desk near her. And all of a sudden you hear the moaning, the breast. You go like, oh, my God, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

And then shut it off and see how she reacts so that there's a good six seconds between you. Because you're saying you want to keep something up your sleeve, but you got to let her know that you've got something up your sleeve or we got nothing there. Am I out of line here? Laura, where are you at? I think that's a bold move. I think that's a really bold move and I like it. I would also say, you know, you could be more subtle if you wanted and you can send her the email with the link to the audio and say i know what you've been up to and then or you know scary scary is there so is there something that she's done at work that you wish she would stop doing like is there a specific thing that of something she does that, that annoys you or whatever?

Could you just ask her to stop doing that thing or ask her to do whatever you wish she would do? And then just link the audio to it and don't ever mention the audio. Just be like, thank you. And then link the audio so she can just see oh she's got that she's got that this evidence i'm gonna do whatever she says and then she'll just be your bitch basically jesus christ i gotta say i think we're going in the wrong direction on this call well i know go ahead garth well marissa you wanted to play it out the office. But I thought mine was bad, too, Laura. I thought mine was bad, too. We are much like a religious raised person.

We are exploring our space to find what works and what doesn't work. There are no wrong answers here. All right. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. Well, murder would be wrong. But does she boss other people around at work, Marissa? Yes.

OK, so this is what I would say. So she's a tough person. It's kind of play. I think you don't want to associate that you're the one who's who has this information. So maybe what I do is just set up a fake email and have it be whatever. Why? You got something, Laura? No no someone did that to me once but sorry go well wait what no what'd they do to you it just brought me way back go what happened

so basically i get this email it was an email address i had no idea who it was and it was cc'd and it was my mom my ex-boyfriend my, so many people. And in it, the email said, this is what Laura's up to in Hollywood. Then there was a link. It was like right after I moved here. There was a link to a porn actress giving a blowjob to this guy. She looked exactly like me, okay? It was not me. She was shorter and tanner, but she looked so much like me and they

said this is what laura's up to in hollywood and fucking cc'd i knew my mom my ex-boyfriend and all my friends now this woman looks so much like me that my mom called me in tears after she goes laura she's like oh i i thought it was you she's like i had to slow mow it to see if she had the scar on the side of her face because I was like bit by a dog when I was a kid. So I have a scar on the side of my face. My fucking mom's watching this blowjob going, is this my daughter? And like

that's how much she looks like me. My ex-boyfriend who I had plenty of sex with who seen me naked thought it was me. So like she looked very interesting. Anyway anyway was not me but that story brought me back and i never found out who saw that video and who sent it out to like everyone there's a good there's a good lesson in there aside from always have a scar which is that we don't want to overdo it where this person has a level of lingering fear or

like this blows up because all she's done is do a little audio fun yeah by the way that's the other thing it's like we haven't she hasn't even done anything like if this marissa if this was a criminal act that we had around it would be, if they were goats and it was a whole... I mean, go ahead, Jake. Agreed. You know, here's where I'm kind of thinking. I'm going to take us in a slightly different direction. We are on your team, but as good friends at the bar, which is what this is, I got to push

you away from blackmail, doing the weird Laura email. I think that's bad. I'm pushing you away from my idea of the loud Bluetooth speaker bullshit. Here's what I say you do. You got a weird dynamic with this woman. You don't like her. She doesn't like you. You got a little bit of fucking dirt on her. So you walk right up to her. And I think you go, Hey, interesting. I was, uh, uh, looking around at an erotica site and I heard your thing. Very funny.

Really interesting. And then she goes, that wasn't me. And you can go, sure. Anyway, really interesting. Now you're revealing yourself too, Marissa. Little Miss Religious Girl is out there masturbating by herself as well. But you just go head on, collision. This is what's happening.

We both know. She hasn't done anything wrong, but you don't want your coworkers to know. What do you guys think? You know that I like that approach, Jake, because that's what that is, is rigorous honesty. Yes. You're going up and you're saying and you don't have to say your background, though you could. You could be vulnerable with her and say, you know, I'm trying to explore this thing. I grew up a little sexually repressed and i'm trying to learn my body and so i i came across

your audience i just want to say thank you what you're doing yeah that's a turn that might be the way to go but also you said rigorous honesty but then you lied well because you go none of this was about thanking this woman marissa didn't go i was thinking of masturbating but i wasn't sure then i heard these weird little whisper squeaks and holy mother no we're teasing her okay but i like the rigorous honesty even in that has a lie amazing okay yeah yeah yeah but, yeah. But I'm with you. I'm with you. You're right. I like it. You're right. I think killer with kindness, you frame this maybe as more of a compliment. Just say a little bit of the backstory that Laura kind of laid out and then go, this woman sounds just like you.

Just like you. Yes. And approach it like you haven't made that connection and watch what she does. I think that's exactly it. And that way you've kind of got a little bit of a fence between making the connection, but also it's a little insinuative. And here's why it's good, Marissa, because then you have something up your sleeve because she knows that you know that it is her, but you're not saying you did anything wrong. You're just saying we both know that I have this audio. Dead ringer. I love that. Yeah, I think that's

probably the best option. Nobody gets hurt. Nobody's full of fear. And I can just let her know that I know. Now, let's talk real for a second. Are you prepared to go up and play the audio? That's what I was about to say. That's exactly right. Because it's really easy on this call to say it and then not do anything. Are you actually going to go up to her at work and say, hey, let's give a name to this coworker. It doesn't have to be real, just something we could call her by. Avery. Avery. I heard some really crazy audio and it sounds just like you. Can I play it for you? You think that's a reality? Yes, I would do that a little differently, though.

I would say. Hold on, Marissa. Will you be you? Laura, will you be the woman? Yeah, sure. Laura, you're Avery. And Gareth. She might be Australian.

We don't know. She might be Australian. We don't know. Gareth, you can be another worker there. Great. And I will not take over the scene. I'm Pepper. You guys are the dish.

Marissa, I was wondering if you can send me those emails. Very erotic start, Laura. That threw everybody, including Marissa, off. She made a choice. I love it. I like the Jew a lot. Let's go back to one. By the way, off. She made a choice. I love it. I liked it, too, a lot. Let's go back to one. By the way, get fucking Pepper out of here.

Get Marissa out of here. Pepper is still going to be here, so let's relax on that note. Okay, I guess so. Back to one. Okay. Sonia, if you can send me that email. Yeah, I would love to. By the way, someone was on this person, and it sounded exactly like you.

Maybe after work in the parking lot, I could play it for you, and you could hear it too. What was the audio? That's weird. I'll just let you listen to it. Very mysterious. There's not an audio of me. I don't know what you're talking about. Hey, Marissa Avery, sorry to interrupt. I just want to let

y'all know there's an edible arrangement in the break room and it's almost only cantaloupe left. I'll leave. Get back to what you were talking about. Hey, Marissa, could you play the audio at work? I could. There's a way that it's now getting really confusing

and you're seeming like a real weirdo. Like you want to meet her in the parking lot. Yes, the parking lot was weird, Marissa. Then I want to play you audio and she's like, there's no audio and you're like, yeah, there is. Jake, it feels like, are you overlooking the pepper character, the edible arrangement character? The scene ended before pepper got on, I think.

It felt like it was kind of getting its legs a little. So am I crazy? Laura, you were in the scene. It felt like... I was in it. I was committed. It was a little... Anyway, go ahead. Can you play the audio right now? That's a great question.

Good idea. Just a little bit of it. A snippet. Yeah. I sent it over to you guys, I think. Hey, everyone. This is Kevin, the producer of the podcast. Just jumping in really quick to say, if you're perhaps a parent listening to this episode with kids around and it's on speaker, or maybe you're my mom who's never missed an episode, you might want to skip 15 seconds. Thanks, everyone. And thank you, mom.

She takes a finger into my pussy oh just rapping against my cheese butt laura by the way pretty good thank you thank you oh this is pepper the character's name wasn't by the way by character. The character's name wasn't Pepper. By the way, by the way. The character's name was not Pepper. Can I just say, Laura, excellent Avery. Can I say, Marissa, if you can nail that person as her,

I think that you're entering a danger zone. I don't think you could be positive it's Avery. That sounds like it could be a lot of different women using that voice. Laura just nailed it. I just did that. I felt like they were very similar. So I think you could get yourself in a very embarrassing spot if you go, hey, do you want to go in the parking lot so I can play you some sex audio?

That's why you could probably be like, hey, this person sounded like you. I know, but this is- If you're playing that audio. As your friend. Hold on, Marissa. I've got new advice as your friend after hearing it. Abort the mission. I think you're right.

Because this could go so embarrassing. Imagine this moment. You go. Well, if it's not her, that's like actionable, arguably. Of course it is. If it's HR, you'll get fired. arguably of course it is hr you'll get fired yeah yeah by the way that would be if it's not her you are such a fucking creep then then you are you're the bad guy problem yeah i think you're right garrett you are yeah if you said hey i was masturbating and the person I was masturbating sounds just like you. And she goes, okay,

cool, cool story, bro. You're weird. Yeah. Look, part of me wants you to do it for the plot. Part of me thinks it's,

it would be entertaining, but honestly, I think Jake and Gareth are right. You should probably be the bigger person. I wouldn't even say the bigger person. Okay. It's not the bigger person. It's like, it might not the bigger person it's like

it might not be her and that's super embarrassing and you could get fired if you bring something up and you should get fired if it's not her and you should get fired if you marissa if you went up to a random woman at work and said i heard audio of you masturbating and I want to play it for you in the fucking parking lot. And then you do it. And I'm connected to that other woman. I'm calling the police. Bring down the pitchforks because you're a weirdo, dude.

Yeah, right. I mean, Marissa, you are entering a zone you might never live down. Now, you might be right, but this is if you're a golfer, you're betting on a hole in one. Right. And I got to say, it's just not worth the bet. I'm going 100%. Let it go. Keep the memory of it whenever she's mean to you at work.

Play the audio in your ear while she's being mean to you and have a laugh. Keep it up your sleeve, but don't tell anybody anything's up there because i think this is a real danger zone right i'll co-sign so marissa in the end here we like to end with we pitched you a bunch of ideas on this one but what is it you think you're gonna do i'll probably just i'll probably just let it go yeah and keep it in keep it in my mind for my own amusement yep marissa thank you for the call thank you marissa thank you good luck out there good luck out there good luck out there marissa today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake.

Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over. They're, like, asking for snacks. They're being annoying.

Or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help, and Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started relearning French through Babbel a little bit. Yes, because I used to know French, but then I don't know French. But it's still there. You know what I like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology. Yep.

Because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country. Yes. If it can actually help with the accent. Yes. That's a big ass turn. And applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in. Like when I think back to taking French, it was just like so much. It was like, I you're going to find yourself in like when i think back to taking french it was just like so much it was like i'm never going to do that like how

do you order food how do you get a drink how do you ask for directions but so babble's great now listen listen everybody should we bring him in right one quick pause should we bring in the close studies from yale this is interesting michigan state university and others prove that babble is better so one study found that using babble for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester in college so if that's true which yale's no joke it's just putting schooling in a a different light yes if you spend 15 hours let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like well i don't know i didn't go to college and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours. You just did a semester.

Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer. All right. Hold on.

Let's get him. Kevin. Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. parked in front of all our cars so might as well oh we can't leave well what's what's the problem go ahead so that old jalopy is gills yes and you can turn it off i guess

keep it running i want the rest it's bad for a lot of smoke i'm pausing a serious except now listen here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone. At Babbel.com slash HTH. Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off Babbel.com slash HTH.

Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash hth. We're going to want you to babble. We want you to babble. I'll tell you what, I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you

and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement, and it was crazy. It was a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close. You use that.

Yeah. You would use that because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what I like I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it I do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in yeah did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. Oh, you are?

But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the. I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this.

Well, you're mid 40s. Yeah. What a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically. And again, you can get an appointment quickly.

You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake. If you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and two. 68. Bomi. Don't worry about day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads.

Good to see you, brother. You never, literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs? Free. Free. That's right. And then find and book

a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. Hello. Hi there. Welcome to the show. You're with on with jake and gareth can we get uh your name your age roughly some of that and where you live yeah um and b it's not a fake name but it is a nickname that i think nobody i care about will recognize people who don't care about you have given you a nickname no no people who would be offended by this conversation. Okay. All right. Sorry. So B, what's your age? 34. Okay. And rough location? Montana. Such a beautiful state. B, what can we do for you today? Thanks for calling in. So my fifth grader walked in the door a couple of weeks ago from school and I noticed something

dangling from her ears she's like experimenting with fashion lately and is doing some kind of like offbeat things which is totally cool and I totally support so I get why it didn't even occur to her to ask but she she walked in the door with something dangling from her ears and she doesn't have pierced ears nor was I aware of her having any clip-on so i was like what's this and i got i got closer and realized that um they were my nipple clamps oh snap oh wow we moved we moved a couple years ago and i want to be clear i'm a responsible parent like i'm a grown-up and i have my own liking pressure on your nipples doesn't mean you're not a great parent

agreed so so when we moved i have this like this like box of like adult things that i don't need to have to explain to my children and i was so careful to make sure that thing never left my sight. Never. I think my mom was helping us move also didn't need her to know my business either. So I was very careful. But one thing that I couldn't find was this goddamn set of nipple clamps. And I thought maybe they got thrown away. I like I fully embraced the and was like, Nope, 100%, that's what happened. I'm going to sleep well knowing these simply got thrown away and this will never come back and bite me in the nest. That's not what happened. They got put into a different box, probably by my sweet mother who did not know what they were. And my daughter was digging through

the garage trying to find something she could turn into an accessory, found those, through the garage trying to find something she could turn into an accessory found those wore them to school i want to be clear they don't look like earrings they look like yeah i'm actually uh doing an image search here and that was going to be my question me too and boy i'll tell you what it real quick you're you're seeing tits on this so she walked in the door and i went to just go like i was like oh where where did you get this and like was a little flustered i went to just go like, I was like, oh, where, where did you get this? And like, was a little flustered. I went to go pull it off, but I couldn't pull it off gentlemen, because she had that thing clamped on so tight that I had to loosen the clamp on it to get it off. And then my niece and my seventh grader are staring at me like, why are you reacting this way to this?

And I was like, oh, it's just, it's just, we just, we can't, we can't take things that aren't yours. You need to ask her. So I tried to kind of like play it off of me just being annoyed that she had taken something without asking. So my kid's school has a new principal and the old principal and I got along super, super well. This new one is younger and I think pretty conservative. She's got a bunch of kids and I think we've kind of like butted heads. So she's the kind of principal that doesn't want like a fifth grader wearing nipple clamps earrings right did this result in any further problem or where does it stand now is the question okay so i i because i was concerned about exactly what you said partially embarrassment but mostly

i was like i i need this to not be like a strike against the community. So I called her and I left a message with the secretary asking if she would please call me about something that's personal, whatever. She waited until the next day to call me because I think she assumed I was calling to complain about something and got on the phone and she was like, what, what's going on? So I told her my fifth grader wore something to school yesterday. I did not know she was wearing it. It's embarrassing. I did not know.

I just want to be clear. If no one, if no one noticed, no one made any comment. That's great. That's fine. We can just let it go. But I just wanted to be clear. This isn't a decision that I was like, no, this is fine. And B, what'd she say?

She said, you have to tell me what it was. What'd you say? I said, I don't think I want to tell you. And I don't think that you really want to know. She said, B, I need this. This was a really bad week. It sounds like it's going to be funny. I need you to tell me just for me,

please leave your level with me and tell me. So I just, by the way, cool move by the principal. Yeah. Yes. So she, okay. So I froze a little bit and then I was quiet for like a good 20 seconds and she just repeated, please, please tell me. By the way, I'm liking this dynamic between you two. I know. So I said her name, which I won't say here and said, please please tell me by the way i'm liking this dynamic between you two all of a sudden i know so i said her name which i won't say here and said okay um name they were nipple clamps and there was like like like a 15 second beat and then she just did a big sigh and said

you know there are days as an educator where I wonder why I do this job, because it's so hard. And then there are days like today. I should have called you yesterday. Yesterday was a terrible day. I really could have used this. This is great. I think I'm just going to go home for the day. I need this to be the note that I end the day on. What an awesome end. It was an awesome end. However. However, okay. on what an awesome end it wasn't awesome however however okay we had the following week parent teacher conferences okay well okay and my child's teacher is way more conservative than the principal i feel like listen she said she wasn't going to say anything i 100 i'm going to be honest with you

guys i would have said i've been like no no i won't tell anyone i would have immediately told people like sure it's a hilarious story and i'm not going to say i'm the best person in the world i'm very confident that everyone knows the story in that entire school at this point so what happened at the conference the question originally was should i go but then i didn't get on here fast enough i got i i'm not proud of it but i missed my first parent teacher so you skipped the conference and i wonder like it's it's just skipping it make it worse because i made it so weird i'm like i literally i made my husband go and i thought

he put me on speakerphone because i just want to like miss it but i didn't want her to like look at me i don't know okay so you've kind of uh well first of all kudos. I have two things. Since you've kind of answered your own question a little bit, I have advice. I guess we're not directly solving your issue, but I've got two things for you. One is to help the current predicament, and one is an overview note. My first note to you, overview note, is hang in the pocket. Don't always try to immediately solve every issue the second that it gives you anxiety. Yeah. Let calmer energy prevail with you because you see the nipple clamps, you immediately yank them off your child. You call the principal or you text the

principal. She doesn't know you're, it wasn't even a problem. So you kind of created smoke where there was no smoke in both instances, a little bit. Interesting. Yeah. So, so next time you are feel this emotion and you feel these sensations, take a minute and try to view the defense a little bit. Can I put Gareth's note in something that maybe you could understand a little bit better when the clamps first come on your nipples and they're too intense, breathe. The more time you give it, the more comfortable it might actually feel. So that's the big advice.

Now, you're worried a little bit about, has this leaked out? Whatever. Did they notice? Here's my let's swing for the damn fences note. You go to the next parent-teacher conferences, and you are donning a set of wild earrings that are nipple clamps. you lean into the fashion element of this and you show up calmly like they're just sort of new fashionista earrings and you wear them, thus undercutting any gossip that may have happened. I'm going to go number three on this one. So I think the breathing through your quote unquote nipple clamps as you go forward, I think is smart from the Garfman. I think wearing nipple clamp earrings would have worked had you not told the principal. But now that she knows they're going to go like, what the fuck is this weirdo doing?

Yeah. Yeah. Here's what I would lean into. Seems like you've formed an ally with the principal and it seems like she wants to be an ally too. That back and forth from her point of view, I think was awesome. She was saying like, let me know. And she was also saying there, like, we might be on other sides of the fence on some stuff, but we're also just humans and we're both cool. And let's have a laugh. Excellent. So your teacher

might be a problem, but you don't know. So here's what I would do. I would get the principal some version of a gift, like a bottle of wine or cupcakes, or I would stay away from anything from a sex shop. But in the gift, I would write her a note that says, just thank you for laughing at a really embarrassing situation for me. You made it a little bit easier. I was so embarrassed I couldn't even go to the conference. I will get over this. It'll never happen again. But thanks for finding laughs in a really embarrassing spot.

And what that's going to make her feel is she'll feel warm too. She'll know she handled it right, even though she was probably a little uncomfortable with it. And now you guys are a little bit of a team going forward and you're taking a weird situation and I think you're pulling a win out of it. Yeah, I like that. It gets ahead the next time maybe the seventh or eighth grader shows up with a vibrator in their backpack and says it's a three hole puncher. their eighth grader shows up with a vibrator in their backpack and says it's a three-hole puncher. So, Bea, what do you think you're going to do here? I think I'm going to do that one. I think because that would be very on par for me,

and I can make it a little self-deprecating and laugh about it and levity, and then maybe also even expand on that very nice human moment we had. I think that's solid. I think that's the move. Will you follow up with us if there's a funny response from the principal? Absolutely. I will. This was a great call. For God's sake, get a tackle box or something and lock it. Dude, I've got one. I have one. Get a safe. They just escaped. My, my sweet innocent mother didn't know what she was looking at. This isn't Toy Story. These things don't just walk out on their own. Lock it up, B. Thanks a lot for the call. Thank you for the call.

Thanks, bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh,

and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

That was a HateGum podcast.