We're Here to Help - 306: Ask Dragon Spirit & The No Pee Awards

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

The guys start a cult to annoy a caller's brother. Then, they punch up a road trip to Florida. Plus, a follow-up from Ep 254 "Risky Business."See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-306 Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Gareth, take over. I'm sitting back. I got my popcorn. I'll be a listening. It's so funny how... You're, I mean, the colonoscopy is so weird.

Agreed. It's so weird. And I truly, you know, I do those ayahuasca diets. They're really hard. I do, I'll fast from time to time. I'll do a day. For some reason that day, I was such a cranky little fella. And I was so hungry.

and the night before the fast day, I like ate like a, like I just had like a veggie burrito like at 10 p.m. I was like, that'll be fine. And then the next day I was like, I'm hungry.

And I was so hungry. And, you know, you can have jello or popsicles. Pretty much it. I'm broth. And I was like, I'm not going to fucking drink broth. So I made jello. I haven't made jello.

I might be the first time I made jello. I made jello and I made a mistake. I made blue jello. What's the mistake? Again, it's... I don't want to be gross, but it's hard. When the only thing you have to eat is blue... I get it.

And you have nothing else? Ew. Very strange to experience that. And even the next day. Like so I got through that day and I drink a lot of water I mean you see that fucking thermos I like water So you can't drink any water except for the shit juice they give you And that stuff is

You take it like five hours before bed and then three hours before check in And it's gross and it's effective and you did prep me But it is bad I agree It's got a bad taste But also it It is, I have a joke on my, my stand-up album, and I think I mentioned this on the show before, but one time I was on a plane, and I, and I shit my pants, and I didn't know how I shit my pants. I was hung over, and I really was like, how did I, it was like a bigger moment because I was like,

how do you not know, like, you know when you shoot your pants, it's not great. So the whole day before and day of and evening after is, like, is. is really just a ton of, how did I kind of poop a little bit in my pants? Wait, what? Yeah. You shit your pants a bunch? I did, I didn't shit my pants, but I had to go to the bathroom. Well, that's different, my man.

Everybody experiences the second thing. But I had to go to the bathroom because the process had already started without me signing off on it. So you shit your pants and then finished in the toilet. I don't want to get... Shitting my pants makes it sounds like I shit in my pants. How many underpants did you ruin? None. One.

One. One. One and it was while I was printing. See how you stand by the printer? Like, there they are. I was like, that's... I gotta go. So they bring you in the room.

Bring you in the room. And you know, maybe this is a PSA to anybody who's thinking about it, because guess what? If you're in your 40s, men and women, it's time. Yeah, it's time. And you know what? I'm going to be honest, it's kind of a pain in the ass part in the pun. It's a day that's fucking bullshit. Oh, it's a drag.

But at least for mine, the doc said at the end, one, he's a, you have a beautiful asshole. I said, thank you. Did your doctor say that to you? Yeah. Really? That's an approach. What did they say? Because mindset, beautiful asshole, perfect asshole, the best I've ever seen.

Using the term asshole? Butthole. Butthole. What'd yours say? I didn't even talk to my doctor after, to be totally honest with you. She was so grossed out. She dipped. She dipped.

She was like, oh. I said I have other. No. She's like, rethinking her. Your legs were spread. She said rethinking business choices. Here's what she thought. She dear John'd you.

Stop. Dear Gareth, thanks so much for the opportunity. You won't be seeing me again. I'm not a doctor anymore. Your butt was so gross. We've talked about Deer John on this show before. And it really tracks that you and I are both like, that's a pretty good show.

Very solid NBC show. I doubt it. If I bet we if we watch Deer John right now, we'd be like, this is horrible. So you get in the room, your lady's a doctor. Get in the room. Your doctor's a lady. Dyslexic.

Both. And they're great team. We're all talking. and we're having a good gab. What are you gabbing about? Oh, we're gabbing about a bunch of us. We're gabbing about the drugs. We're gabin about food.

We're gabin about... Okay, so they're really friendly people. Great people. Great crew. We were having a good time. And then they... And then they, you know, the anesthesiologist, he puts the mask on. Oh, yeah.

That's a real moment. He popped. And that's what I said. I was like, you're not... I was like, I have a feeling that this is goodbye time. So I just wanted to say it's been lovely chatting to you all. And take care. You know, because I feel like I'm definitely.

dip it at a second here. Out. Fully out. Gone. Are you a guy at a hypnosis show who instantly turns into a chicken? I've never done it. But I bet you... It'd be really funny if you're easily...

I bet you I am. I bet you I am. I bet you I part of me, because part of me is just like, I love to perform. What a ham. I bet you part of me is just like, I hope he makes me the chicken. When you go someplace and there's somebody on stage and they're looking for audience... Are you hoping it to you? No.

Now, when I was a kid, it was my dream. No way. I wanted to be brought up. I remember when I hung out with this kid once who went to the Universal Studio show and they had a bird fly on his head out of everyone in the audience. And I just assumed when I went to that show like in a couple days later, that was going to be me. And when it wasn't me at all, I remember being so like, what have I done? I was so quietly crestfallen and like whatever child depressive.

impression is. I was like, I would love to have the bird. And the same kid told me he found a $100 bill on the ground once. And for the rest of my life, till this day, I'm always like, there's got to be a hundred. You know that kid lied to you, right? Either way. So the drugs happen. How does it feel waking up from him? I, okay, you've told the story. I texted you this. You've told the story about how going and the guy said he loves, he's a fan of years, he loves New Girl. What, like, what was that? He said, he loves New Girl? Hey man, big fan. And I go, thanks, you won't be soon.

So I come out and there's a few people. And one of the guys who's in and out says, hey man, big fan of the pod, love we're here to help. And I just go, hey, thank you. And I think that got me into the ham zone. Bad place to be in a ham zone with a slippery butt. I was trying for comedy quick. Wow, so fast after it.

But everything's a mile behind. It's not right. The guy who I ended up talking to his name was Doug. And I think I was like, Doug, he's a good name for a job like this. And he was like, what? And I was like, I don't know. I'm not sure either. I think there's something to this bit like dug out my butthole.

Yeah. I'm pretty tired, man. It was something like that. I was like, I need a minute. Why'd that kid find 100? What's with the baby voice today? It's terrible. Me?

You've used it three times with the hangary stuff again. I think it's my drugged voice. I'm become a baby. But you were with it when you were hungry too. Is there something about going through a procedure that you go back to baby voices? Yeah. Hey, we'd love to, if you guys in the comments like the baby voice. Well, that's a pretty good story.

We're at around that time. All right. Everybody without. Further. Further. A do. And we're brought to you by Tiny Health. If you ever get that feeling, you're a little tired or bloated or getting older.

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on your first order at zazzle.com. Go make somethings amazing. Zazzle.com. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hey, how's going? Jake, why don't you start this one?

It's going great. How's it going with you? Pretty good. Slow start to the morning, but I'm glad to be here. Why slow? What's happening? Well, I just got back from a conference of like this past couple weeks. So I had a late flight last night.

And so, yeah. Nice sleep in. Where are you now? I'm in British Columbia, Canada. I love BC. That's cool. And where was the conference? Montreal, Quebec.

Cool. So what's your name? Lindsay. Lindsay. And Lindsay, what's your age? 25. You're just a kid, Lindsay. So you're from BC.

You were just in Montreal. If there was a book written about your life, Lindsay, what would it be called? I thought you guys might ask this. Okay. Good stuff. Good stuff. It's a good title. I guess, Lindsay, in a big, wide world, a girl with no plan.

You know what, Lindsay, here's why I like that title of the book, because you said you thought we might ask you that. At no point did you try to. to think of an answer and you came in with kind of a weird book title even though you were like that might come up. By the way, I kind of love if I was at the airport and I'm like, ah, fuck, I don't have headphones. I'm not going to be able to listen to anything. I'm going to get a book.

And I saw Lindsay in a big wide world with no plan. I literally might go, I kind of like it. I would 100% not get it. I'd be like, why is this? Lindsay, what's the picture? What's the cover? What's the art? Probably like some sunset or something with like a horse.

running in the back. That is a crazy, such a crazy compliment to the title. Now I'm lost. I mean, now I might buy it. Now I'd see that book and be like, what the actual, is Lindsay the horse? All right, Lindsay, what's the issue today? Very strange book. Strange book.

Okay. We just heard back from the publisher. There's notes. Okay. So this one is a familial issue. Okay. but I got the blessing from my mom to do this. So we're all good.

So my older brother has this obsession with the Myers-Briggs personality test. Have you guys heard of that? Okay. It's like one of the ones you do like in high school or at your workplace or whatever and it gives you like an acronym with a bunch of characteristics about yourself. That's cool. And so he basically, he's obsessed. Over the past few years he has had like a book about it and he only really sees the world

through this lens of the personality types. Okay. And over the past year, he's been letting it control his life a bit more. So this whole thing is getting a bit weird because he was dating a girl a few months ago and he was getting advice from me, which I thought was very nice, until he let me know that she has the same personality type as me. So he's basically using me as a proxy for dating advice with her, which is fine, you know, whatever.

But since then, they broke up. But he was ready to dump her, like, a few weeks into dating because they didn't have compatible personality types. Hmm. And so my issue is, do you guys have any advice for how I can help my brother unshackle himself from the Myers-Briggs personality test? Interesting question. How many, how familiar are you with the test?

Like, how many personality types are there? I think there's 16 different. combinations. Okay. And so I know mine and I know his, I'm pretty sure. And so each one is like four different characters and each one has two options for those characters. Okay.

What, uh, like introvert versus extrovert. What should we call your brother? Let's call him Rocky. Actually, I do know about this test. We did it with my wife and I and my kids. What were you? What's yours? I can't fully remember probably all the annoying ones like extrovert, but I don't really remember.

I remember my wife and I were a good, we were a good match. That's right. Okay, that's good for here. And so the question of this one then is how do we get, your brother is getting a little bit obsessive with this? Yep. And how do we get him off it? seeing everyone through this prism, basically. Yes, for sure.

And it's like every single Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving dinner, he's bringing it up. Is he older or younger? Older, like eight years older than me. That's hard. Yeah, that is hard. I'm trying to learn. The rest of my family doesn't think isn't that big of an issue, though. But the breaking up with a girlfriend potentially because of it,

I thought it was maybe a bit of a cry for help. Lindsay, I've got a weird idea. this probably is a bad pitch but it's the first thing that came to my mind and it just makes me things of lindsay in a big wide world with no plan so what just to remember gareth what we're trying to do is get the brother off of talking about this meyers briggs personality test right what if lindsay you pretend to get obsessed with creating your own version and it's called the lindsay personality test and so whenever he talks about mires you talk about about the one you're developing.

And it's very close to Myers, but there's significant changes. So you literally just copy and paste their answers, but then make changes. So if he goes like, well, what's really interesting, mom, is you're an I-N-J-L. And that means you go like this,

oh, that's so weird, because for mom, she's an N-I-J-V for me. And he's like, I'm trying to talk about Myers, and you go, I'm trying to talk about the Lindsay personality test. And we kill him with annoyance.

Here's what just happened. This is what sometimes happens because I was a little paralyzed as to what to pitch on this. And then Jake just threw Tinder. And that has sparked some joy in my pitch mind. I think that's a great pitch. I think that's a great way to sort of say to him, hey, look, I, you know. But what you're doing is stupid, man? But what if you mirrored what he was doing in a different way to sort of show him what it's like to deal with a sibling obsessed with someone?

that the other, what if you found like a fake guru that you won't shut up about and you just start, you kind, almost like you're in a little bit of a soft cult. And so you kind of start bringing it up and like if he hand, like if he's like, do you want to get a hot dog? You're like, oh, well, no, the Troy says that anything like that. If I wouldn't put that. You know what it could be, Gareth is Habbata. Oh. We could send her the Vimeo link to And that she can become a habatt and talk about Shelley all the time. But let's see if she's. Okay.

So, but what, what do you think about being in a fake cult? And it starts off, it's, oh, you only talk to your brother about it. And you only talk about it when he talks about Myers. So if he's talking about the personality to us, you start talking about Habata. A great, just sorry, before you react, what's great about that is that. what you're going either way there are a number of ways you could solve it but I think worst case scenario

he's gonna be like I don't want to talk about the personality test because every time I do she fucking brings up habata you know it's like when you're talking to someone and they make everything about themselves you're like I'm not going to bring problems for this person anymore but you could sort of habata out his Myers-Briggs personality fire

okay yeah all right I mean what do you think about that I feel like that kind of checks out because I think of the Myers-Briggs personality test as like the business frat-boy equivalent of like maybe like astrology. Yes, I think you're totally right. Yeah, right, totally.

Well, I can see this. Yeah, I could definitely commit to the soft cult idea. Well, by the way, if you wanted to make it like, if you wanted to do astrology to combat it, They're like either way, being able to bring up something that kind of steals his joy from talking about this. Well, I think, Lindsay, there's a real win in out annoying the annoying. Yes, yes. Okay.

Because he's not going to, if you say like, he really believes this is effective and he really thinks it's interesting. And your parents are probably just being parents. So they're like, it is interesting. And so you're in just a world of trouble where you're like, can't believe we're talking about this. So I really think an effective way is Gareth, you be him. And so I'm just going to use Hibata. And if you don't like Habata, then we can find something else. But, Lindsay, I sent you a link to a pilot I made.

Gareth was part of it as well. Our friend Josh Greenbaum directed it. But the reason I sent you that is there's a lot of information about the cult in it. that you could use so you're not making it up on the spot. So it's a fake cult. I know everyone gets annoyed on the Patreon, but the link is on the Patreon. We can't post it on YouTube because Apple said no.

So if you listen to this and you want to hear, reach out of the show, we can send you a Vimeo link or just get on the Patreon. Maybe we'll try to get it easy accessible. Yeah, we can do that for sure. But we just can't do it because we get in trouble by Apple. Okay, so Jake's going to be you. I'm going to be Rocky, okay?

Okay. All right. You know, I was actually thinking about what you said the other day about your issues at work. And I think because of where you are on the Myers-Briggs personality scale, that your extroverted nature is sort of making it so the introvert in you is kind of coming across, I think, to maybe some of the people you work with. That's so interesting because this thing I've been doing. Do you know what I mean? I do. This thing I've been in. Hindu Habata, which is a martial art that was created during the Vietnam War, you're more of like a frog. And the way that is, is I'm also kind of, I'm like bamboo. So I sway more and you hop more. So it's very similar to-

What is the Habata? The Habata is what? It's this guy named Shelley who created it. He learned about it in Vietnam. It was like kind of taught to him. It's like an ancient tradition that's been passed down. But I've been really using Habata to like get closer to people. understand relationships better, understand everything about like the human experience.

So something like a Myers test is really cool, but it's smaller, if you will. Like it's more just like a little thing. And Habata's like everything. I think, but I think what's happened is your introvert has maybe found a way to sort of. Yeah. So like the way I see the Myers thing compared to Habata, it's like a little part of the human experience. But what I want to say about Habata is that's the whole thing.

It's like the ancient gods. It's not like. How did you find out about this? There was somebody handing out a brochure on the side of the street named Nikki excitement. Okay. So just as an idea, Lindsay. As I will say, as someone who went through the fake version is pretty good.

But you see how like it makes him go, I don't want to keep talking about this. If you're attaching a negative to every time he brings it up, first of all, it's probably going to help your circumstance. But it's also going to make him go, boy, I talk about this a lot. Yes. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, his friends even do like bets when they are going into like their, I don't know, house party or potluck or whatever with new people. They bet on how, like how soon it'll be until he asked someone about their Myers-Briggs personality test. Yeah. That's brutal. The one, I'm liking this Hibata thing with the frog, but, um, One potential problem is if he gets, if he gets intrigued by it, and then he's totally asking me everything about, either like astrology or Hobon.

That's great. No. Here's what that's great. Here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do, actually. Do you have 20 minutes right now? Yeah. Will you, I sent you a link.

Will you watch it and then will you call us back and we're going to do a roleplane where we're going to be the brother and you're going to be a Habbatan and see how you do? I'm not sure. Okay. Yeah, sure. So I sent you the link because it makes more sense when you've seen the whole thing. So watch it. Okay. It's, look, it's ridiculous.

Apple passed on it 10 years ago. Yeah, but cults are ridiculous. But cults are ridiculous. So watch it if you want to make something up and then we are going to test this and you are going to become a Habbata expert. And here's the other thing, Lindsay. You're allowed to make things up. Yes. So you are just using what you watch as a baseline.

and then you are creating the rest. And so call us back after you've watched it, and we're going to put this test to a theory, and we're going to see how it is. And if it doesn't work, we're going to pitch something else. I will also say to your point that you just made, Lindsay, if he starts sniffing around wanting to become a habatan, that's a perfect time to say to him,

hey, you're susceptible to things that are not going to benefit you. The habatan thing I've just been fucking around with for a minute just because you bring up the Myers-Briggs test. so much, something like that. Right. You know, I was hoping to never even bring up this call on this podcast. That's a good idea. No, don't.

No, no, no. I wouldn't because I think this is a softer way to do that. You don't want to throw them in the cold water. So why don't you do what Jake said? Watch your Habatton doc and call back in and we'll put you. We'll see how you do. Yeah, we'll see what you think. And we'll put you through the ringer and see if it feels like it'll work.

I think it's pretty good play. Yeah, look, and if not, then we'll think of something else after that on the fly. Cool. Yeah, I really wish I took some theater in high school or something. You don't need it. I never thought of it. You don't need it.

You don't need it. Especially in these sort of situations, the key in these sorts of situations is just smile as little as possible. You'll be able to do it. Okay. All right. Cool. Okay, see you guys.

Bye. Lindsay. Hello, I'm back. All right. So did you find anything in that helpful for this situation? I think so. Yeah, I really studied up, although I was watching it on two times speed. So, yeah, I think there's lots of work with here.

I think you guys, I can't believe this is a true story that you guys documented. It's incredible. What do you mean a true story that we documented? Well, you guys put together a documentary, right? Well, it's a fake documentary. Yeah, I've fucking with you guys. You're good, Lindsay. We were about to both be like, maybe this isn't for you.

This isn't going to work. Lindsay, we're going to need you to, yeah, great. I'm dead turning over the phone, but. Yeah, so now, Lindsay, Gareth is going to be your brother and you be you. And let's see realistically how this plays out. All right. Why don't you start us, Lindsay? Oh, okay.

Just say something. I'll weigh in as your brother. All right. Hey, Rocky. How's the dating world going? It's been pretty difficult, honestly. I keep getting involved with INFGs or INFPs. I mean, I really at this point just need someone who's checking the warm, considerate,

general, responsible, pragmatic stuff. But I don't know. I still also struggle with the caretaker side of that. I mean, again, you know I look at everything through the Myers-Briggs stuff. So I don't know. It's so hard to tell. How about you? Oh, it's not too bad.

I talked to the wind last week, and I learned a couple things. What did you say? I talked to the wind last week. What do you mean? What do you? Well, I checked in with Dragon Spirit. What are you talking about? I was doing some online classes.

Oh, you know, Haboc. Quick pause. Quick pause. You're doing a wonderful job. Keep going. Habata? What is that? Oh, yeah, you've heard of Habata, right?

It was like a martial arts method from the 70s. You know, you've heard about it. They definitely teach it in school. Yeah, yeah. Wait, and what are you saying? So you are taking the martial art? Yeah, it's like an online thing. though. So you tap into

the dragon spirit and then it's kind of like Myers-Briggs I guess but there's a lot more to do with if you're frog or bamboo or bird. So it's different but the same. Yeah. I think you would, I think you'd relate.

I'm just going to be honest with you right off the bat. It feels like you're kind of in an ISFP zone a little. Like I've never heard of this before. I just want to make sure you're not like it sounds kind of strange well let me ask you this rocky why does the bird fly but not swim okay holy shit are you good at this i honestly think this is going to work you were better than i thought possible way better i'll tell you what i would do if i were your brother

what the fuck is she talking about and the initial instinct is definitely I don't want to have this conversation anymore. And then you want to back off. But whenever he talks about Myers, you talk about Habata, but you never talk about Habata if he doesn't talk about Myers. Totally. Yes. Make it Pavlov.

Okay. Love it. Whatever he says anything Myers-related, you're Habata-related. As soon as he changes the subject, so do you. Is he bringing this up every conversation for the most part you have with him? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Great.

Jake, the toll here is obvious. I mean, to pay the fee on this one, just throw the phone in the pocket the next time you're hanging out with Rocky and give us a little sampling of this and how you volley back. And if you need to heighten this, start wearing a karate glee.

Because you can get those online for cheap and you go, what is this? And you go like, that's what I like to wear with Habata. It's Habata certified. You know, I actually think there's a lot of potential here because the next time I see him in person will probably be Christmas. And I think over the next few months, I can get my parents in on this too. Yes.

Yeah, what do you think of that? I love it. Not only do I like it, I love it. I love it, and I think I know what you need to get him for Christmas is a ghee. Okay. But everybody. He's a great geek. Actually, Lindsay, you know what else you could do?

What? Any one of his friends who's annoyed by this, send him that Vimeo link and get and feel free you guys can invent anything you want. Just use that 20 minutes as the base. Well, start inventing because the more you guys invent as a group, the more he's going to go like, I hate this.

Start slow, start with you, start with the parents. Once he's getting a sense of that, then I would say much like a cult, slowly bring in the most. liable people. Yes.

And bring them in one by one. And that way they too can be like, oh, it's funny. Like Lindsay sent me that Habata thing. It's so interesting. Dude, it's more interesting than Myers. The insight it gives me into the way that people function is so much better than Myers. Here's the catch, though, Lindsay. The fun of it is you're going to want to do it all the time, right?

Yes. But that'll be a waste. It's only Myers related. If you guys are all excited and you're really excited to wear your gai, and he comes in and doesn't bring up Myers, you are not allowed to bring it up. I also think, I really think it's key that he feel like this is real, so don't overplay it either.

Just, the way you just did it is perfect. So, okay, awesome. Really fast, I want to give you one more test. I'm going to be the brother. Let's just hear another version of it. And let's say you and I are talking on the phone because we're not going to see each other until Christmas, so we're just chatting. Right. Okay. All right. So you called me.

All right. Hey, Rocky. So Christmas is coming up. I wanted to ask you what you were looking for for a birthday or a Christmas guest. Yeah, I haven't really thought about it. How about you? And did mom and dad have a list or anything? No, you know, maybe just some like books or I don't know, a couple things. maybe you want to go into mom and dad together and maybe get him something nicer yeah i think so yeah maybe something you know like learn something new maybe like uh yeah yeah let's do it you know what we could do i mean i know through mires you could actually figure out the best gift for people based off their personality type so we could actually combine both of them together and figure out the best gift for a

combined it's not hard to do oh i love that i actually will uh well uh well i ask dragon spirit's opinion on on gift giving for them and we can we can like go in altogether maybe we can get our other sibling involved too what's dragon spirit oh you know you can just like ask questions to give you an honest answer um yeah it's i did some time in the semi valley recently did i tell you that in california no yeah there's like this cave and uh We were doing like some martial arts, but... Really? Yeah, no, I can...

Yeah, yeah, I'll ask teacher Shelley. Don't even worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'll figure out the gift. Who's teacher Shelley? This guy, he's super smart, actually. I think you'd like him. Similar to...

You're so good. You're so good. Phenomenal. Like, you're crazy good. You're crazy good at this. Thank you guys. Wow. I believed it was real.

I got confused. I did too. It's so good. And I mean, just don't be afraid to say you did a Zoom recently with Shelly or something like that. But it's great. That's incredible. Thank you guys so much. I cannot wait.

I cannot wait to see how this plays out. Pay the toll, Lindsay. Pay the toll. Let's get a little audio. And then what were you going to say? You said, I can't wait. I want to hear what you were going to say. Oh, as this progresses, I can't wait to drop my new.

name, Benzie? Oh, right, because all the names start with a B-he. Yes. You asked him to start calling you, Binsey. That's when you'll never hear about the Myers-Briggs test again. And then his name is Bucky. His name is Bucky. Oh, if you start calling him Bucky,

Bob, bad. What are you going to get Bob and Bid for Bismas? Really good. So, yeah, keep us posted. Really good stuff. Really good. Cool. Thanks.

Bye, there's definitely a long haul thing. Yeah. Thanks so much. Just keep following up with us. Any update, if you do anything via text with them, just keep sending us everything. Yeah. Don't be afraid to keep us very posted.

Great. Thank you guys for your wisdom. Thank you. Take care. Bye. Bye. Let's see the Dragon Wind. Yeah, let's see you.

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Ah, Quince makes summer better. One thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed, find myself reaching for those pieces. I've got a new Quince piece that's out there. It's a collared shirt, but it's like a short sleeve, and it's kind of puffy. I'm not good at explaining it, but I love it. And that's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on well-made essentials that naturally just become those everyday staples

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know who uses quince uses quince gets quince loves it so make sure your summer wardrobe is easier go to quince.com slash here to help for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in canada too we let you in that's q you i ncecee com slash here to help for free shipping and 365 day returns quince dot com slash here to help hello hey how you doing i'm good how are you good what's your name Lauren. Lauren. Where are you calling from, Lauren?

Yes. I'm from Michigan City, Indiana. Cool. And how old are you looking? Yeah. I'm 29. And what keeps you busy, Lauren? What are most days of the week look like for you?

I work most days as a CNA. What's a CNA? It's a certified nursing assistant. Pretty damn cool. Yeah. And if there was a book about your life. What would the title be? That's a hard one.

What's your favorite food? Italian. Italian? What kind of Italian? You get last meal. Let's pretend you committed a heinous crime and you're in jail on death row. They say you got one last meal before you get electrocuted. What are you going to eat?

Oh, probably spaghetti. Just basic spaghetti. Yeah. Yeah. No sides? You're just going to go You're just going to go Just spaghetti with marinerar sauce

Yeah whatever you got You can ask for like any certain kind of sauces My dog keeps walking in And banging the door open That's my dog Probably like a vodka sauce Is what I like on it Right so really quickly

Let's try again Just because we have a little bit more of a sense from you What's the name of the book about your life? Probably the unpredictable life. Okay. Something's always happening. Unpredictable life.

Okay. Something's always happening. Lauren, Michigan, 29. Can you imagine if you asked Steve Berg last meal on death row? I mean, you would just jump out of... Should we just do his own Patreon show? Lauren... We call it Last Meals.

There's literally a show on YouTube called Last Meals. I've done it. Yeah, but this would be different because I will always be the one who's giving them the recipe for the last meal they picked. Lauren, what is your, oh, by the way, did you think he was sexy in that calendar? No. Oh, no. No.

No. Okay, a little bit of honesty. I respect it. Lauren, what's going on? He took his shirt off and he looked like a guy who thinks he's good with recipes. Yeah. Okay, Lauren, what is happening? Well, every summer we go to Florida with me and my aunt.

And this summer, we decided. to take some of my nephews and there's four boys. So it's going to be me and my aunt, four boys in the car, and then my cousin's wife. So I was just trying to figure out the closer it gets, the more I think, like how many times they're going to want to stop to use the bathroom and get out. Oh, yeah.

Because, like, I can hold it all day. I don't have to go to the bathroom crazy, but with them, I don't know, and how to keep them busy in the car. And not saying, are we there yet constantly? I don't know what to do about that. So your question, it feels like you have no confidence in your problem. No, and the closer it gets, I just get more. So you're nervous about your drive from Indiana to Florida with a bunch of children and your aunt and your cousin's wife.

And you don't know, you want to know what to do or how to stop them from going to the bathroom or both? Both. I mean, we're going to stop a few times, but not like... Of course. I've got a pitch right off the back. You can bang it out. I don't want to jump in too early here, but this seems fairly straightforward. I would create a competition with incentives and prizes for who makes us stop the least.

and you basically do it like you have like a bit of poster board where you have everyone's name and the amount of stops and the tier of prize. That's interesting. So you create, you make a game of it so the kids don't want to stop to piss and the adults. But that's what it is. At the end of the trip, you're going to have an award ceremony where the person who was the least speed bump is going to, get the biggest prize. And you buy those before you go, or you buy them when you get to Florida. And then night two in Florida, you have the P Awards.

That's pretty interesting. That would actually probably work for them. How old are these kids? There's two 10-year-olds and then a 16- and a 15-year-old. 16- and 15-year-olds should be fine. 10-year-olds are going to be an issue. The no P awards is interesting. Yep. Yeah, I like that idea.

And then the question is, what can you give them in Florida? You got to do in Florida and then you got to do back in Indiana. Yeah, what is the prize? What is something these kids would really want that you wouldn't mind giving up? Probably money. The honor. I mean, this could be pretty clean. honest to God, if I was on a road trip, 10 or teen,

and I knew there was 50 bucks at the end of the rainbow? Yeah. And all I've got to do is not be the one who asks for a stop. Well, why don't we do this, too? What we could do is, okay, it's... Every three hours, there's a stop. Yes. Every three hours we're having a communal stop.

And then on that, but this is the other, factor of it, which drives me fucking crazy when I'm on the road. Time of delay at the stop. So how long are you spending in the place? Because there are people who will go into a buckies, and they'll want to spend 10 minutes fucking shopping for stuff that nobody needs, not to let my real life bleed into this too much. But so you could have two factors.

This is, Luke, you're talking about. It's 100% Luke. There's two factors. Amount of stops and length of. stay and you can kind of come up with some sort of equation that gives you what you like you know who takes the longest that person gets a negative mark and then who stops the most but here's the problem with that and Lauren are you liking this because if so we could get into the rules of this pretty easily oh yeah I am and then will you make the chart because you have to be you have to be

the one who has the chart explains the chart to them and then actually marks everything down? Yeah, I would definitely, I'm definitely keeping track of that. Okay, so then one thing that I would say is, here's the problem with four kids in the bathroom plus the aunt, plus her, it's, well, what if they're all going to race and fight to be first in the bathroom? So, and that becomes hard because then you're like, well, I just happen to be the six one in, but now I'm last place.

Okay, I'm willing to take length of stay out of it. There would be a way to work it if you liked it, but I think let's just say we can make it a stop calculator. And that is every, and how many stops do you want to, Lauren, do you like a stop every three hours? Or do you want four hours? What do you want? Well, I know we're going to stop at three places along the way, but then just for gas unless, you know. I think a stop every two hours is baked in. Kind of, yeah.

Maybe three. It might be three. You tell us, Laura. Three hours would probably be good. Okay, so here's what I say. And then gas does not count. When you've got to get gas, you got to get gas. In those three hours, that's when you're also getting meals.

So let's say you leave at 9 a.m. in the morning. Well, food is lunch at noon. Yeah. You've got a 3 p.m. stop. You can get a snack. 6 p.m. is dinner. So your stops are also your meals. But I would say if somebody needs to stop in between the three, you create a buzzer and they need to hit the buzzer.

If they hit the buzzer, everybody is allowed to pee during that break. Yep. But it's whoever hits the buzzer gets a negative point. The buzz of shame. Yep. Great. And so you don't want to, and guess what? If you want to try to piss in a bucket, great.

If there's spillage outside of the bottle, negative point. Well, now we're getting into a strange territory we can hopefully avoid, which is the car becomes the toilet. I think we're, you know. Well, Lauren, do you hate it? if one of the boys in the deep back seat pisses in a Gatorade bottle? No. That was one of the ideas, too. Neither do I.

Giddy up. So I would say if you... No wonder you go to Florida. Now, if you miss negative two points. Yeah. Are you writing this down, Lauren? Yeah. I can feel that you are, and I love that for you.

I am. So negative two, if you miss, if you're going to say roughly 10 minutes per stop, if everybody's waiting for somebody, that person has a minute clock. If they don't make it to the car in that minute time, they need a very good reason why. And the good reason could be everybody else went before

and there was a line and they just couldn't do it. If it's because they were looking at bubble gum, negative point. Yeah. Or you could say 12 minutes. I don't care how you do it. 10 minutes. 10 minutes back in the car.

If you're not back in the car, negative point. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that one. Because this is only for the, this is only for, you know, lunch and dinner,

you're going to have more time. Yeah. Yeah. So you've got to plan your, dumps. And by the way, if like the 10 minutes I think is plenty, if someone is not back in in that time frame, that's on them. Because if it's a problem with the place you're stopping, everyone's going to have the same problem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Buckees gets real busy. Bucking's a matter. Yeah. What are you thinking about this so far? And it's just, and then what are you going to

pay for Florida and then what are you going to pay for the winner coming back? I like it so far. I think they'll be fine with it and they'll, you know, like the idea of it as long, you know, as long as there's a reward. I was thinking like 50 to 100 bucks or they're really into like the game system. So, you know, if you win, you get a game, you know, I'll buy it for you or something. If you win, you get a game is massive. Yeah.

And you buy it. Yeah, they're all into that stuff. I mean, I would say winner gets a game each time. And if you don't win, no crying about it. You lost. Yeah. That's the big question. How do we handle ties?

Oh. Hmm. Well, you could do. if you get to Florida with a tie, you could say it's going to be determined on the drive back. So those two, it could be, if you wanted, you could do it as a total. Drive to Florida, the A side,

drive home, the B side. At the end in Indiana, that's where we're presenting who won the Driving Olympics. You either get a game or $100, but it's in total of both. And if there is a tie, you do not talk about. You put it in fine print and you put a little asterisk, a tie, the $100 is divided evenly. Yep. So if it's three and they're like, I never went.

$33. Yeah. Yeah. Guess what? The trip's over. And honestly, at the end of all of it, if it is three, three, three, you know, $33, throw an extra 10 on. You didn't have to stop a lot. Your noise got out of there. Everybody gets 43. Everybody gets 43. It's a surprise at the ceremony. Yeah, they would like that.

43 is a weird number. I'd say 50. Yeah. Great. 50. So then you go. So what do you think? What do you think here?

I think this is a win, but what do you think? What do you think? I think it would, I like it. I think it will work. I have one nephew that's like real sensitive. And with the whole, you know, you didn't win, I think he would start to cry, but it's like, well, losers got to look, but we live in a world where if you lose, you lose. Yeah.

I think crying because you lost is okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he could.

Yeah. All right. So now, are you going to actually make the P chart? Are you going to actually pay the toll and send his photos of it? Yeah. I think we want to see poster board with the, you know, categories breakdown. I wouldn't hate the idea of put in a picture at the beginning of each contestant so that it feels official. Yeah.

And then you got to just, yeah, just keep an eye on it. But I think we'd like to see that. You know, we'd like to probably see some highlights of the road trip. Nothing crazy. But then also maybe a little video of the ceremony and how it played out. But this is something that can keep helping you on future road trips to Florida. I think that's right. Oh, yeah, definitely.

And then last before we go, Lauren, if you had a book written about you, what would it be called? Oh, the unpredictable life. Okay. Take care, Lauren. Yeah. And then if you had a last meal and it couldn't be spaghetti with marinera sauce, what would the meal be? Oh, probably. Like Chinese food.

That's better. Yeah. You're going to let the warden pick? Oh, no. Okay. What's the day? Probably like General Toe's chicken or Tao's chicken. General Toe, a different general.

Lauren, thank you for the call. Thank you, Lauren. All right. Thank you. You guys have a good day. You too now. All right, thank you. Sweet Jesse here.

This next call is a follow-up from episode 254, risky business. Hello. Hello. Hello there, follow-up. What was your first call? Who are you? What did we say to do? And what the hell's the update?

So this is Reagan. I called in because my wife was cleaning the four. the floor often to where I was slipping and falling. Yes. I remember this. Okay, yes. So I remember what we pitched, but awesome. I don't remember what we pitched.

I think we went big. Okay, Reagan, go ahead. So the first call was your wife was kind of obsessively mopping or swiffering and the floors were slippery. Oh, I'm sure we did fake fall. You're damn right. We did, but we went very specific if remember the first. Okay. Ray and takeover, please.

Yes. So you guys suggested that I basically fake a concussion if. It's not that intense, but maybe. Yeah. Basically, yeah, fake an injury. Broken plate. Oh, you know it. Broken plate.

On my way to eat my lunch at the couch. Yep. And set up the conversation, you know, let her know that I fell. And when she came home from work to have the conversation. Mm-hmm. So I did just that. Okay. I texted her.

I texted her like a, hey, babe, you'll never guess. I just, I did send in a picture of the text. Like, I fell and she, you know, texted back, oh my gosh, are you okay? I was like, yeah, just, you know, kind of hurting a bit. So then by the time she came home from work, I had the little ice pack out, little drama. Just, you know, I was laying on the couch and. We have the conversation. She asked me what happened.

We're seeing the text right now, Reagan. Okay. So you say, also, I just completely slipped and fell on our floors. Cry laughing emoji, interesting. She says, okay, thanks, and are you okay? What spot was it? I will try and put spray solution on it to rough it up and fix the slick spots. You said, by the couch, I dropped my glass and it broke, L.O.L.

Kind of hurt, but I'm okay. Very good. Not too much. Very good. Right? Okay. Keep going. Oh, and then you...

Yeah. There's a picture you take. of the couch and is that, what is that that you're highlighting? What are we looking at here? Oh, it was just the ice pack. I just wanted to let you guys know. Yeah, so I was, when she got home, I was laying on the couch, but the ice pack was out. Just, yeah, so just to set the scene.

Great. So keep going. What's happened? Yeah. So then, so she asked me, she's like, I kind of had to bring it up again. We were just talking about her days. I was like, yeah, and I fell earlier. Like, oh my gosh, yeah, how's your head?

I was like, it's all right now. But I mean, our floors are just so slippery. Like, I don't know what product you're using, but I think I'm not trying to be rude, but I think you need to switch it up because I'm slipping all the time. And it's just annoying. And she understood. And it went well. It went great.

Great. What did she say? She was like, well, she felt bad, but she just told me that she was going to try a different like cleaning product and it hasn't been as bad. But I did, so that happened a couple weeks ago about last week. I did send in another video today because she did end up buying these like mop slippers. Oh, Christ. Yeah, we're seeing them now.

Are these for you or hers? What are we looking at here? These are. Are these your legs? Yeah, yes. You're just showing us what she. These are her mop slippers and you're showing us. I mean, these are...

This is crazy. This is crazy. Now, okay, we're a little all over the place. So the initial I worked, but the floors are still slippery, not as slippery. And in addition to that, your wife is now wearing mop slippers. Yes. Yeah. So problem solved, but then, I mean, she's still buying things to clean the floors a

lot. So she's got a weird thing with floors, but they're not as slippery. No, they're not as slippery. And the drama. Then, hey, we got to take a win when we can get it. Yeah, it's Bell. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's a win. It's a win. Thank you guys. It's a win. I appreciate it. The show can't do. Yeah. It's all everybody's weirdness.

Well, and again, this is. It's impossible. This is a compromise. The first thing I'm going to compliment you on Reagan is, and this is, out of context not great, is you lied. It's not a huge lie and you hung in there. You've kept the lie and it's made the thing better. So you're in a better zone. Do you feel like you're good on the floor slip? The only thing I would say is maybe you get some of those socks with like the little material on the bottom that's less slippery, but it feels like the wife has come much closer

to your zone. We're not pitching on the slippers. That's not what's happening. in a follow-up. This is what's happening in the follow-up, guys. The lie worked. The floors are less slippery. Thank you for the call. You say you're welcome. Then if you get a call with the slippers,

that's a whole other call, but that's not a follow-up. That's a call. He's right, right. You are right. No, the floors are less slippery. Hundreds of these calls. There's a method of this madness.

I did already ring the bell, so I think that, I think legal. Legally a post bell is definitely wrong. Maybe I got it in pre, who knows, but you're absolutely right. Guys, we know the structure of the show. Yeah. The audience is going, you got a lady driving to work right now going,

the bell's been wrong. We're not talking about slippers and the episode. And the episode. I don't care for this woman's attitude while driving, but I think you are right. But she's right. She's right, but her attitude is a little all over the place. But, well, Reagan, that's it. We've got to let you go.

That's it. I mean, it's the success. Ring the bell. Thank you guys. I rang the bell. But we're talking about this like it's a problem, guys, and we have to create another problem. No, no, no.

But sometimes the show, Gareth, is allowed to go. Here's the follow-up. Successful. I agree. And again, Reagan paid up. Tab's paid. We've got video. Explain the pay-up thing.

All right. So pay-up. This is how we're... A new thing. You want our advice. You got it. You call the show. We're going to pitch endlessly.

I mean, for God's sake. We'll bring random celebrities with us. We've been on calls that are an hour where I think both of us, if there was a cigarette in the room, would light it. Okay? So we give the time, the effort, the thought. We don't ask for anything other than...

Until now. We have sometimes asks. Film something. Record something. A little bit of follow. Send us screenshots. Take pictures of this person doing that. That's the favor trade.

You got to pay up. But the new term, and you're going to start. Start hearing it on this show a lot. It is a certain point. We're going to say pay up. We're going to solve it. Here's your bill. And then we're going to drop the tab off.

We need videos. We need photos. We need videos. We want you to put your phone in your pocket and film it as best you can. Pay up. Pay up. Pay up. Okay?

Everyone loves a free ride. Guess what? Pay up. Pay up. Pay up is the first time I'm going to buy merch. I'm buying a pay-up shit. All right. So pay up, Reagan, you pay up.

You paid up. You paid up. Way to hang in there. We're even. We're even. No problem. Happy to pay up. Two things I want to start implementing on follow-ups.

Okay. Bell ring? Yes. And are we even? Yes. Yes. And you know what we might do, Natalie? Let's start following up with people who haven't followed up with us.

Like they put it in people. You're not going to get them on the line. Let's see if we could call them because they didn't pay up. They did not pay up. They dined and ditched. They just feel. You want us to surprise call people that we need follow-hounds from? Don't hate that at all.

Hey, we're called. They go, oh, hi. You need to pay up. Hey, you owe us, uh, you actually owe us showing your dad a video that our buddy Kyle edited of a bunch of weird nature sex that you never showed your dad. So I will say sometimes we get follow-ups and they're just bad and or boring. and so sometimes we don't include them. Oh, really?

Yeah. Sometimes I'm like, that's not really a follow-up. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. Because I would bring, if I brought them on,

then you would be like, okay. Exactly. You're right. You're right. Could be good for the duds to go on Patreon for a couple. See if that's anything.

Yeah. The non-explosive conclusion. I do need to figure out, I mean, I guess, call to the audience, how do you guys want these follow-ups that are too boring to spend 10 to 15 minutes on with Jake and Eric.

That's actually interesting. Do you guys want them just like social media updates? We'll just screenshot whatever they said and put it out. Website. Website. There's options, but they're not worthy of calling back in sometimes. And I'm sorry if you were one of the followers.

Somebody comment on wherever you watch. Tell us what you think. But that is really interesting. Yep. I like what you're saying there, Natalie. But for you, caller, you paid up. So this has nothing to do with you. We just got obsessed with pay.

We just got obsessed with pay us. Thank you. Natalie, you're great. Thank you. Thank you, Reagan. Thank you, Reagan. Hey, everybody. We just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help.

It drops a day early on Hulu. So you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod.gatgmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help. You can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash Here to Help pod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, who stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com.

Remember all of the advice, given on we're here to help, is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hit gum podcast. Hey, everyone. This is Whitney.

And the Lexong. A.k.a. the popcorn queen and King. Hey, guys, we just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you've shown our family. As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey. And that journey has really inspired us to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation.

That's right. The foundation helps transplant families with everyday expenses during recovery so they could focus on what's most important, healing. Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load. If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate at A-R-A-N-A-K-R-F.org. That's Arana-K-R-F.org. Thank you so much for being such an incredible community. And thank you for always.

being there to help. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast, That was us now on Headgum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us.

That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Yeah. Are we going to cry? Yes.

A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite. podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday. Welcome to a magical place where dice are rolled and stories are told.

Welcome to the fantastic castle. Hi there, I'm Caldwell. You might know me from Nadpod, but now I am teaming up with my friends Kiana, Raj, and Bree. Hi, everybody. Hello, everyone. For an all-new take on Dungeons and Dragons cooperative storytelling shows, and this one is for the whole family. Fantastic Castle has all the excitement of D&D without the cussing and filthy jokes that make most other D&D shows, guilty as charged, awkward for kids and parents to listen to together.

New episodes drop every Friday, so subscribe to us on Patreon at patreon.com slash Fantastic Castle or check us out wherever you get your podcasts. So come join the adventure, because everyone is well. in the fantastic castle. Woo! See ya there!