We're Here to Help - 307: Mandatory Suspenders & Second Deck (with Damon Wayans Jr.)

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

Jake and guest helper Damon Wayans Jr. help a funeral home director keep his pants on. Then, they give a crash course in jail culture.Want to call in? Email your question to helpfulpod@gmail....com.PATREON: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:01 This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. And we are back. Here we are back. Here we are. We've got the great Damon Wayne's Jr. You're joining the podcast. We just did three calls.
Starting point is 00:00:47 We did. What did you think? I love them. It's fun, right? I thought the callers were great. They had unique problems. They were all funny today. All funny.
Starting point is 00:00:57 Callers. Yeah, they were engaged. Agreed. You know what I mean? What's going on with the stand-up? You're doing... I'm just doing... You know, I'm going around.
Starting point is 00:01:05 I'm building towards my special. Cool. So I've just been, like, tinkering with my hour and putting a lot more personal I have a lot of funny jokes, but I want to put more personal stuff. So when people leave, they go, I know so much more about this man.
Starting point is 00:01:20 Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Because I've realized that, like, really good specials, the ones that have, like, revisit quality. Yeah. It's like, they're personal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:31 Cool. I've noticed that relatability trumps funny. That's interesting. You know, because I'll do bits, and they'll come up to me after the show and be like, oh, that bit about your wife or that bit about your kids. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:43 I'm just like, oh, I thought these other bits were way funnier. They're like, mm, but it doesn't. But they liked that more. That's cool. And when, do you know when you're going to do your special? I don't, but I want to be ready by, before we shoot our pilot. Oh, that soon? No, I want it to be ready.
Starting point is 00:02:02 So after we shoot our pilot, then I would probably hop into it like August to September. Cool. Yeah. So let's discuss the pilot, Damon. Let's discuss it, dude. Let's like clarify things, too. You know who we just became? Those guys with the broccoli haircuts who talk about food.
Starting point is 00:02:21 Do you ever see them on Instagram? They're 12-year-old, 13-year-old boys? No. They're sitting around and podcast up. Why do they pop up on your feet? 12, 13-year-old boys? Are you talking about food? No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:02:34 Yeah, why are they? I mean, the food part I get. But their whole thing is. It's, you're going to die. I'll send you a clip. Okay. They're talking, you know, the dumbness, the idiocry of podcasts as we all talk like it's really serious, but it's not enough to have really anything to say.
Starting point is 00:02:53 Exactly. And we're creating so much time that you just bullshit around. They're doing this all sincerely, but they'll be like, they'll be like, Michael, tell me your thoughts on the new chicken sandwich we had. Oh, my. And they'll go like, I thought the bread was delicious. But for me, I don't love the mayonnaise. And the other one would go, I thought the mayonnaise mixed with the mustard was very good.
Starting point is 00:03:15 And the guy will go, that's dope. I don't love the condiments. It's no joke. It's very serious. They talk food for like an hour? Hours. I've never been a food guy. Like, I've never been like, yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:30 I mean, I eat to live. But I don't like, like, I don't like, like my wife will wake up with like an idea for dinner already. It's 6.30 in the morning. relax I'm gonna make roast chill out there are two different types of people I am in your wife's camp
Starting point is 00:03:54 yeah I will wake up at 4 am and take a piss and I'll go like a chicken taco kind of day not now I'm thinking at some point that's crazy and then I'll go back to bed and be like oh yeah and then she also times like the day with like lunch and
Starting point is 00:04:12 you know what I mean? I'll just be like it's 12 o'clock she's like, it's lunch and it's like, yeah, but why do you have to say
Starting point is 00:04:21 it's a lunch? You know what I mean? Like, I mean, I mean, I mean, I'm with her. Oh. It bothers me.
Starting point is 00:04:30 It does? Just say what time it is. She's like, yeah, around lunch. And I go, you mean like 1230? She's like, yeah,
Starting point is 00:04:35 a little after lunch. That is so funny. Oh, but we should meet up around dinner. Yeah. Like six? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:47 Yeah, dinner. It'd be really funny to do that with snacks. Yo, you want to meet it kind of like snacks? Two? No, no, no. I was thinking more like later snacks. Oh, later snacks. So eight.
Starting point is 00:05:06 I was thinking earlier than that stuff. I was thinking like 5.15. Oh, you want to do not more serial meetup time? Fuck, man. 10 p.m. So we're doing Cable Guy. What do you want to talk about how we got involved in Cable Guy?
Starting point is 00:05:28 Yeah. What the whole thing was? You want to just start your two cents of it? So my two cents were they had come to us as the writers. Was it the writers of? Joe Lewin and Sony. Yes. But by the way, Damon.
Starting point is 00:05:43 and I, we've been trying to work together since Let's Be Cops. It's crazy how long we've written scripts. They've gotten close. We've sold them. Yeah, we've sold them. Did they get to the one yard line and something will happen? Yeah, so. So just recently, we kind of said like, oh, I know what happened.
Starting point is 00:05:58 We were at the Chateau thing with Max. Yes. Tass had written a book. Tess had written a book. I was doing a show with my dad at the time. Yes. And then Jake was like, hey, man, if that goes away, you know, we should do something. together. I was like, of course.
Starting point is 00:06:14 Because it was you, me, LeMoorne and Max, we were doing so many bits. And we don't get together. It was four a lot. Yes. So we agreed. We were like, hey, yeah, if my show is called Popper's House goes away, then let's work together. And I was like, yes. And then like three days later, I was like, hey, man, the show went away.
Starting point is 00:06:33 And so we were, you know, instantly, you know, our teams were trying to find something for us. And then they brought us the cable guy. Idea. With just the writers. With just the writers. And Damon and I at first were kind of, kind of a no. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:44 Only because the angle was... Too close to the movie. Too close to the movie. We were like, I don't think people want to see... Yeah, and also, I love the movie. I respect it. Didn't want to just do a remake of it. Didn't care about that IP like that.
Starting point is 00:06:59 It's like, eh... Yeah, it's also, there's like a one... There's one Jim Carrey. Agreed. You know, so it's like, why would we want to try and do it? Also, one Matthew Broderick. Definitely one Matthew. Shout out to Matthew.
Starting point is 00:07:10 Shout out to Matthew. Always doing solid stuff. Yes. And so, yeah, so we kind of all put our heads together. Got Rob Rizel. Rob freaking clutch player right there. Rob Rizell from New Girl, one of our best writers. Yeah, he's great.
Starting point is 00:07:25 In a staff of great writers, Rob came on to be a co-show runner with the writers and helped put his time on. Then we all developed it for like six months. And we got it to a place that we really liked it. Those writers were great, man. They're great. Joe and on our killers.
Starting point is 00:07:40 Adjusting and how fast they are. and then whipped up a pitch, like one of the best pitches I think I've ever... I feel the same way. Yeah. And then a couple places wanted it. Hulu...
Starting point is 00:07:54 Definitely put up the most. And then... But they didn't... We weren't held to anything. No. So we were like... Which is really cool. And then...
Starting point is 00:08:04 But I also thought like, oh, if they buy it, I didn't realize we... I thought we should be held to it. I was like... Oh. where's like, they were like, oh, so the writers are getting picked up
Starting point is 00:08:15 and they're going to, they're under contract. Right. And I was like, and Damon? What about DNA? Yeah, yeah. And then we just got to kind of like, do whatever you want. Yeah, which was cool. And it wound up like happening so fast, so much faster than I thought.
Starting point is 00:08:29 I felt the same way. Which was great. But I also thought it wasn't going to go because they took a long time. All of a sudden it was going on and on and we heard everyone loved it, but no one was sure. And I was like, this is going to be one of those things in, eight months we hear we love it so much we're not doing it and I thought it was going to be another like fucking damon I got close again and though that's interesting I always felt like it was gonna
Starting point is 00:08:52 happen I just felt like um I didn't know it's gonna happen this fast and and the fact that they all are still very excited that everybody's excited about it I just feel like everything's lining up in such a um a miraculous way same and I think we're gonna have a lot of fun very excited and And I'm hearing you and I are going to be able to stay in the same place, which is nice. Same like hotel? We can even do the same space. Like hotel room? We can.
Starting point is 00:09:21 I mean, physically we have, we're able to, but I think that would be. Right. I just remember let's be together all the time, coming down and hang out, and you want your wife to come down and hang out. You want your wife to come down and hang out. So is a short shoot. It's not that short. It's like less than two weeks. Two weeks.
Starting point is 00:09:35 Oh, like 10 days? Yeah. You need your mummy to come checking you in 10 days? Because you're with the big, bad, Wolf me. A little sheep. Scared the cat. I'm scared to be in a hotel room with me
Starting point is 00:09:49 because I'm not scared to be with you. I don't think we need to do that. Need is such an interesting word, you jackass. No, what I'm saying is like I feel like there's a budget. If we didn't have like the budget to do it, understandable. But I feel like they're... Yeah, sorry, I want to save Sony a little bit of money. Well, let's save Sony a little bit of money, right?
Starting point is 00:10:07 Just leave it the same. Two week sleepover. Are you fucking kidding me, dude? Dude, we got to sleep at the same roof. And Sony's going like, they shouldn't. Yeah, this is, we'll pay for that shoe not out. All right, well, I'm really excited to do the pilot, man. It's going to be great.
Starting point is 00:10:26 I am too. I hope it goes beyond the pilot. It would be great. You know, even pilot would be fine to. Yeah, but we'll see. Yeah. All right, everybody, enjoy the show. Enjoy the show.
Starting point is 00:10:37 And we were brought to you by Casper. Oh, sweet Casper. I was actually just talking about Casper to my friend a couple days ago. I've had a Casper mattress for a long, long time. They last forever. But they are awesome. I have a Queen Casper mattress that I love to put my body on. That's not a way most people say it, but truly the best. If you get a Casper mattress, you are going to be very, very happy with it. When you get a real mattress, you go, what have I been doing? And that's why I would not cheap out on anything when it comes to the mattress. Get the Casper, reliable, high-quality mattresses designed to deliver consistent, comfortable sleep night after night. That's why out of 99 mattresses, consumer reports named Casper's the one mattress. They're top-rated, all-foam mattress of 2026. That's a big deal.
Starting point is 00:11:37 The day always ends with Casper. Right now, save up to 20% on mattresses and up to 25% on everything else when you go to casper.com. One last time, that's Casper, C-A-S-P-E-R.com, and save up to 20% on the mattress you deserve. NPR believes in your right to be curious and ask questions. Like, who's really behind that decision? How is that thing that happened going to affect my life? And why would anyone in their right mind name a podcast, wait, wait, don't.
Starting point is 00:12:07 Don't Tell Me. Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me is NPR's weekly news quiz that brings together today's funniest comedians and a celebrity guest for a send-up of the week's news. Host Peter Sagle and a rotating cast of comedian panelists turn the week's headlines into punchlines when they say celebrity guests, they mean it. The A-list, everyone from Justice Katanji Brown Jackson to Chaparone to Guar her have come on to play. I've listened to Wait, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me for a long time. My mother likes Wait, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. It is a phenomenal show.
Starting point is 00:12:41 Many comedians I know have been on there. With Wait, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, you can play along with the contestants and test your knowledge of the week's news. It's just like being there, except you have 0% chance of embarrassing yourself in front of a massive national audience. Follow and play along to NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me podcast.
Starting point is 00:12:59 Yes, that's actually what it's called. And we were brought to you by Dell. Back to School starts now, get long-lasting battery life on the Dell XPS laptop powered by Series 3 Intel Core so you can work from anywhere. Now starting at $699 with exclusive student pricing starting at $599, and it's lightweight, portable, and packed with enough processing power
Starting point is 00:13:25 to make multitasking a breeze. So say goodbye to distractions and hello to more free time because you finished your work faster. Complete your setup with savings on select monitors, And more must have electronics and accessories, limited time deals, and free shipping on PCs, and more await you at Dell.com slash deals. That's dell.com slash deals. Hello. Hello. How are you? Hey, how you doing? I'm doing well. I hope you guys are. I think we're doing great. Fantastic. Can we get your name,
Starting point is 00:14:03 please? Sure, it's Laura. Laura? Where are you calling from, Laura? Mm-hmm. I was going to come up with a fake location, but it felt a little silly, so can I just say a mystery location. Okay. Okay. And is your name spelled fun, or is it just the regular old Laura? It's just L-A-U-R-A. Okay.
Starting point is 00:14:26 And then how old are you? Can you tell us that? Yeah, I'm still really young. I'm 42. 4-2? Nice. Yeah. You're just a baby.
Starting point is 00:14:36 Laura, 42, you're not telling us where you're feet. friends, can you tell us kind of what you do for work? Just trying to get a little bit of sense. My issue has to do with work. You know, maybe we'll do is we'll just jump into it, Laura. But before we do, you're here with a very special guest, somebody near and dear to my heart. Go on, say.
Starting point is 00:14:56 Oh, me, me. I said near and dear to my heart. Is there anything you would like to say? This is my prince. My love. My king. You are here with the great Damon Wayne's Jr. Hello, young lady.
Starting point is 00:15:16 Wow. Yeah, it's a doing. Oh, my God. Damon and I are about to shoot a cable guy together. Did you ever see that movie cable guy? I did. We're doing a remake of it or a rethink. It's nothing like the movie, but it's a rethink.
Starting point is 00:15:29 And we're about to go shoot a pilot, so we're getting a little FaceTime together. So this is a special one for us and hopefully for you. I'm very excited about this. Laura, take over. What's your issue? All right. So I've been married about 15 years. My husband's family owns a funeral home. It's like a generational funeral home. It's been around forever. Cool. And I currently, yes, I currently work there with my father-in-law.
Starting point is 00:15:56 Okay. And we have a large staff, but he and I are the only family members that currently work there. You and the father-in-law are the only ones from the family? We are. They are. Okay. Yeah. So recently, he has been losing a lot of weight.
Starting point is 00:16:19 And now it's gotten to the point where his pants are basically just in a constant free fall. The father-in-law? Yeah. No way, no. Yeah. Yeah. And they fall down daily and everyone on the staff has seen him in his underwear. Like all the way down.
Starting point is 00:16:41 Oh, we're talking like knees and lower. Oh, no. So he's just walking through a funeral home and his pants drop. Yeah, and the problem with our job is, like, one of the really important parts is carrying the casket. Oh, no. So what does that mean when he's carrying it? By the way, I appreciate your tone on this, too. But when he's carrying a casket and his pants drop, what does he do?
Starting point is 00:17:04 Just keep carrying it? Well, what's the sound that he makes when it falls? What is the sound? What's the, like, you know, like, whoop or a, oh. Yeah, it's like typical white man, old white man noise. Like, whoop, you know, like, you know what I mean. Yes.
Starting point is 00:17:20 That really helps make the picture. Whoop. Yeah, sometimes he'll apologize, but not all the time. Oh. Okay. And so, that's interesting. Okay, so then keep going. There's a great setup.
Starting point is 00:17:33 Okay. So, yeah, so we've gotten really lucky, and it hasn't happened during a funeral. My worry is he's refusing. We have a suit man that works here. And I'm in my car right now hiding. Of course, yeah. But we have a suit man who works for us,
Starting point is 00:17:52 and he has a suit that fits him. It's been made for him. Yeah. He just won't wear it. And he won't. He won't. And so I don't really know why. We've gotten lucky it hasn't happened during a funeral yet.
Starting point is 00:18:07 But my fear is it's going to happen. He kind of does like a cowboy walk a little bit. So it's been a little bit like it hasn't happened yet. But it will. I know it will. And my worry is that he's going to ruin a funeral, A, and then B, he'll be like on TikTok news. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:28 Now, what kind of underwear is this man rocking? Can't be tidy white is. The crazy thing, it's red a lot. It just calls your attention to it. Never would I have guessed red. Yeah. I was thinking light blue. Do you?
Starting point is 00:18:48 No, not hospital blue. That would be like what you'd think. That's what I would think. No, no, it's red. And it's read a lot to the point where we've actually, like, as a staff, we've been like, does he own like that many red pairs? It's a little weird. It's show off me.
Starting point is 00:19:03 But that's not my problem. I'm like, I can't. I can't worry about that. We got bigger problems to work on. All right. Okay. So the specific thing we could help you with is what, even though you've made a very clear, Lori, you've done a great job. You could just phrase the as a question, it would just help.
Starting point is 00:19:20 Yeah. So my question is, he's a stubborn, older guy. How can I get him to wear his new suit? Ooh, he's okay. So it's the new suit not keep the pants up. But the new suit. I know it, but that's different. Because there's other ways.
Starting point is 00:19:40 I will say this as a stubborn old white guy as well. I don't want someone to give me new clothes. I like my clothes. I do too. No, that's the issue too. But you can, I think there are ways to get the new clothes to work, which might be easier than the new suit. But if you want the new suit, then that's a different pitch.
Starting point is 00:19:57 So specifically, do you care how we fix it? Or do you want the suit? If you want the suit, that's what we're going to pitch on. No, I don't really care. He has ways he thinks are effective to keep the suit pants up. Like every morning, he has the same belt he's always worn basically his whole life. And he comes in and he takes the scotch tape, like the clear office tape. And he rolls it around his finger like a triple roll and he sticks it all along his belt.
Starting point is 00:20:27 Yeah, I get this. And he puts the belt slack like against it. So it holds for like a minute or this second really. And then it just looks crazier. Yeah, I get this. I've done moves like that, to be honest. And how old is he? Yeah, 70.
Starting point is 00:20:44 I think he's turning 70 this year. Okay. And what are we calling him? We don't need to give him his real name, but I would love to put a name to this guy because I do love him. I thought about this. I think we should call him Phil for father-in-law. Phil is a group.
Starting point is 00:20:56 By the way, Laura, yep. This is, you're very good at this. This was a great setup. You're doing wonderful. I have a really stupid question. Okay. How many dead bodies you're saying?
Starting point is 00:21:12 Mm. A lot. That doesn't wear you out? No. And that's also crazy because people, people will say, like, how do you do that? It's just, I mean, I feel like you can get used to anything, really. And I, I don't know, a lot. In the thousands.
Starting point is 00:21:30 Thousands. Wow. Follow up question. Do you think your father-in-law is, pants might be haunted. Oh, for sure. There's a ghost that's just... The funniest ghost of all time.
Starting point is 00:21:45 Yeah. There is a ghost. That's cracking off. Oh, dude. I got Phil again. He's wearing the red panties. Someone's going like he goes, get him. Get him.
Starting point is 00:21:54 Whenever. And he doesn't have a lot of red panties. He's got one bear. But anytime he's wearing the red panties. He's like, motherfuckerucker. What other theories do you guys have over there? So we do have a theory that the pants are special because they came off of, like, his first body or something. So we're like, is that why he wears them?
Starting point is 00:22:16 Whoa. Yeah. Is that a thing? People take clothes off the body? I don't know. That would be crazy. They're like grave dinners. What do you guys take the jewelry at the last second?
Starting point is 00:22:28 All of a sudden, Phil, it looks like a mafia guy with three new rings. And that's why when they have the casket, like, halfway close. clothes. Phil took the pants. The person's daughter goes, I would like an open casket, Phil goes, no, no, no, no, just the got that.
Starting point is 00:22:46 The red panties were from somebody else. He goes like, now that's a pair of panties. But you guys don't obviously take the clothes off the dead bodies. Okay. No, no, no. Okay.
Starting point is 00:22:59 What other theories do you have? I think it's like a coping mechanism. for us. Well, so he's also just super eccentric. We've been through like a myriad of phases with him. And so there have been so many things we've thought. And most of the phases and the weird stuff he does
Starting point is 00:23:17 we can keep in-house. Can you tell us some of the weird phases? Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. I mean, we'd be here all day, but he's coming off of a phase right now where he's been trying to grow grapes from the old stems from the grocery store grapes he eats. So he'll stick like the dad shriveled up like trash.
Starting point is 00:23:44 He'll stick that like in the planter. And what is he, how is he justifying it? What is he saying? Three grapes. He's starting the vineyard. Oh my God. I love Phil. What else is this, Phil?
Starting point is 00:23:59 What is this man do? This is a cake. He went through, he went through a phase where, Um, he was going to start doing power naps. So he would like tell us this at a timer and he'd lay in the chapel on the pew. And he'd like later with like a little pillow and he would take a 15 minute nap. We'd have to come get him. Like stuff like that.
Starting point is 00:24:19 Okay. Love that. He went through a dry cleaning phase where he would only shop on the rack that was like the lost clothes at the dry cleaner that someone didn't pick up. Okay. So he lucked into like a whole bunch of shirts with him a different man's initials on the cup. and he would wear those. He would wear those. I think he probably, those are part of the problem.
Starting point is 00:24:41 Like, he's still wearing those as well. Oh, my God. And then one time he brought me a coat from the dry sneaker that he thought I would like. It was like a giant white fur coat. And he was like, I saw this and I thought of you. Have you worn it? Oh, yeah. You know, the really funny thing is I did wear it to a wedding, yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:03 What if? Here's a picture. I love this. Me too. I like your relationship with him. I like the whole thing. What if, Laura, you pretend you got some deal where you got like eight pair of free suspenders and you gifted you and you say, I got these at this dry, and you make it a weird phase.
Starting point is 00:25:24 So he feels connected to it and go like, dude, Phil, I thought of you. It was crazy. I was at this flea market and they gave it to me for free if I could like throw this ball. all through this hula hoop, and I won the prize and they either said a stuffed animal or these hot... Eight pairs of suspenders
Starting point is 00:25:43 from Manitouac, Wisconsin, and he goes like, whoa. Yeah. And just like let him know so many people wore these before. So, and they're supposedly really, they're supposed to be very good luck. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:56 Oh, that's crazy. Okay. I actually really like that. We've suggested suspenders before and he wouldn't do them. So that might be something to push him to do it. Nothing new.
Starting point is 00:26:05 But an old pair of suspenders, you could actually probably go on like eBay and look for old suspenders and create a weird story and say. They're haunted. They're haunted. But in a fun way. And I think he's the kind of guy that you go like, so this was really crazy, but you have to wear these in order for us to get good luck. Because they say if the owner doesn't wear them for a year straight, we get a jinx. That's really cool And then go like
Starting point is 00:26:37 It's all for fun But would you wear these at least here And you go The person promise me We're going to get like really good year And then everybody would be like Oh my God Phil you have to As if it's a fun eccentric thing
Starting point is 00:26:48 And then like so many people die And then he's like oh we're rolling in it He's like wow You know many bodies came in this year He's like those suspenders are working Dude there was a fire That hospital? So many.
Starting point is 00:27:09 I like this. I'm on board with this. There's like a new virus that comes. On the news, they're like, we can't contain it. And he's like, oh, whoa, this is bad this. They did it. So what do you think of that, Laura? I'm going to be honest with you.
Starting point is 00:27:30 I actually really like that. And I'm kind of, like, embarrassed. I didn't think of it myself. I thought about, like, public opinion is really important to him. So we, of course, like, in the past with some issues we've had, we've done, like, a fake complaint because that just really, like, he can't handle that. The issue is he always overcorrects. Like, we had, he was having, we were having an issue.
Starting point is 00:27:52 He really likes to get the toys at McDonald's. And he was bringing the McDonald's back. Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Sorry, I'm laughing. you turn over that part. He really likes them. Like, we have all the crops.
Starting point is 00:28:08 We have all the Mr. Potato Head ones. He, um, and I keep them for him in a special drawer. So he'll bring him straight to me. But the problem is he doesn't like the happy meal. He'll just throw it in the trash. So we can't see him the smell of it. And like it doesn't matter. Like, he'll find it in different trash cans.
Starting point is 00:28:25 So finally we were like, hey, like, we got a phone call. And the family, like, They just don't like smelling fried chicken when they walk in to the funeral home. Yeah. And he's like, oh, my God. So then for the next, like, six months, we weren't allowed to use the microwave for lunch because he's like, it might stink. And it just made our lives so much harder.
Starting point is 00:28:43 Okay. You know, Lori, you know what we could do? I say we do the suspenders. If it doesn't work, we could also have Damon right now make a little voice note that we could send to you that you could have, that you had it on a, that you could put it on the answer machine at work. that you got a complaint, and the complaint could be about how
Starting point is 00:29:05 he was there with his family and saw the owner's red underpants because his pants were sagging. And it just made the whole family uncomfortable, and I don't know if he needs a tighter belt or something, but it's inappropriate to see a man of that age is red underpants. I agree. There's children there.
Starting point is 00:29:28 There's children near. This is also we're putting a family member down. I didn't know if he was showing the panties as a solicitation, but whatever it would, it made us feel all uncomfortable, and we think you should know that. So I think that's plan B. Yeah. I agree.
Starting point is 00:29:44 Because that's, we're shaming a real sweet old character. Yeah. But you're first saying. Well, that's the problem. We don't want to break a spirit. And so I say we go suspenders as a gift. And you know what? Maybe look for McDonald's themed suspenders.
Starting point is 00:29:58 There's anything he likes themed. What other stuff does he like? What are his other weird hobbies? Does he have like a team he likes? Does he have like a band? I'm sure he liked to rush. Yeah, he does like sports. We've actually had issues with that too.
Starting point is 00:30:18 So, like, he doesn't like silence. So if he has to fill the conversation or whatever, he'll just start complimenting people on their stuff. And he does it, like, so aggressively that, like, you won't believe, like, how many people have dropped off, like, hats and glasses and stuff that they're like, he loved these. Like, can you give them to him? Oh, don't just say stuff. And so, um, yeah, and so one time a kid came in and he was where I want those joke hats.
Starting point is 00:30:42 It was like, probably from buckle or something. And it said big and below it was a rooster. Right. Okay. And we were like, and he, he was like, middle school and we were all just staring and he's like, I love your hat. I love it. I love it so much. And the kid is just like looking like the poor kid's mom probably told him a million times not to wear that in public.
Starting point is 00:31:04 He will never wear it again because his face is so mortified. Well, because there's an older man saying he loves a hat that says big cock from the middle school. Yeah. That's out of control. He's like all the time in front of me. I want a hat like that. Where can I get a hat like that? And then he finally goes, I love the game cocks.
Starting point is 00:31:21 Wow. And so. Yeah. So yeah. Another. He likes sports, he does. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead.
Starting point is 00:31:29 Finish what you're saying. Oh, no. I'm good. You go ahead, go ahead. Oh, another option could be, since sometimes people don't know what they're doing is wrong until they see it for themselves. So what if you guys all come to work with big pants on and your pants keep firm, that's a great idea.
Starting point is 00:31:51 And he's just like, hey, hey. And then you guys go, hey. No. Oh, what if you, I love that pitch. Laura, what if you have somebody whose pants fall down a few times and then you say to him, hey, Phil, should we do like mandatory suspenders? Because I don't want them to feel bad. But let's do as a uniform, if you're wearing pants, you need suspenders
Starting point is 00:32:17 because his pants fell down twice. I've seen his underwear. It's crazy. And they're red. That's a great idea. And he would have no clue that this was about him. And then he would have to do it because he can. And then you go, Phil, but I need you to make this rule because we all respect you so much.
Starting point is 00:32:36 So will you let us all know because of incidents, nobody's being pointed fingers at, nobody's in trouble. But from here on out, all men need to wear suspenders. And say, like, Phil, if you could do it because you want to make that look like the style, we don't even have to bring up. the fact that, like, Jackson's pants fell down. He's so embarrassed. That's a really good one. That's definitely, like, speaking his language. And then you could say, and then if the men all have, like, red suspenders,
Starting point is 00:33:07 what if the women all have, like, a red something too? And now that's a fashion thing we're all doing. I think it could help. And it could really help that Jackson doesn't get caught that his pants fell down twice. It's a great idea. We could have, like, we could add it to the handbook. Exactly right. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:24 And then, Lori. You could buy them and say, I was thinking just until it doesn't happen if we could do that today. And then all the men put these on and all the women put on these bracelets or whatever you guys put on. I still want to buy the really old suspenders on eBay. So maybe I'll say his are extra special. Because he's the boss. These are the boss suspenders. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:45 So Laura, at this point of the call, we're going to go to you, what are you specifically going to do? When are you going to do it? Walk us through it. Okay, so I think I am going to start subtly dropping hints, not maybe to him, but around him. I have two really close coworkers that know that I'm in the car right now doing this. So I'm going to say, gosh, did you see Ken's pants? Like, they were so low. I'm so worried.
Starting point is 00:34:14 Like, that just isn't a good look for us. And then if I say that a couple times, he's going to be like, what are you talking about? And I'm going to tell him, I'm like, I just don't want to hurt his feelings. and he can say, well, what can we do? And then I'll say, I mean, here's the thing. Like, what if everyone just has to start wearing suspenders, no matter what? I like this. Like, it's part of the uniform with the suit.
Starting point is 00:34:36 And then what do you think he'll say? Well, I think first he'll say no one wants to wear those. And I'll say, well, what else? Like, what else? Like, what else is there? And then he'll be like, he'll probably say, I need to think about it. Okay. And then maybe that would be a good type of.
Starting point is 00:34:52 for me to get the haunted suspenders. And maybe that's also, also while he's thinking about it, recruit Tim to have his pants fall down. Yeah, right there. Yeah. And he would do it. The next day,
Starting point is 00:35:04 have him get a pair of pants that are two sizes too big, be walking through right in front of the bus. His pants go down to his ankles, and he's wearing embarrassing panties. Or he doesn't have any on at all. No, he'll get fired for that. He'll get fired for that.
Starting point is 00:35:16 Maybe not. If no customers are around? If it's just dangling? Do it from the back. No, I don't think he'd get fired. I don't think he'd get fired. All of a sudden, everyone just says a butt. But by the way, that's going to create change.
Starting point is 00:35:30 Absolutely. And then he just lifts him up and goes like, sorry, and walks out of the room. And the boss goes like, this is a major problem. Yeah, we got to fix this. And that's when you handed the suspenders. And then I can say, you know, it's so funny, this is such a weird, like, timing because I was at the flea market. Mm-hmm. And I got these for free.
Starting point is 00:35:52 It felt like it was meant to be. Like, it felt crazy. And I'll show him to him, and I'll make sure they're, like, kind of his style. And you go, I was going to keep him. Yeah. Yeah, I'll be like, I was going to give him to my dad. But I think if you were these in front of him, he might want to be like you. Like, he might want to wear him, too.
Starting point is 00:36:10 I love that. And then you plan Tim to say, dude, those are so cool. And he goes, I got a pair if you want him. Yeah. I really like that. And I'll even set him up for that. I'll say when he compliments them, make sure you say, like, do you want a pair? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:24 This is going to be very effective. This is for sure. I agree. So I know I have to pay the tab. What do you guys need for me? I would honestly say when everybody is in the suspenders, take a photo as the group, and we will blur everybody's faces. And then we just for sure need a follow up.
Starting point is 00:36:43 Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'm excited about this. You're a top caller. Your top caller. I love Phil. Thank you. This whole thing. I love how you had great examples.
Starting point is 00:36:55 He's a very weird. He's a very weird guy. I also think I'm going to, for the show we're doing, Cable Guy. My character does some weird stuff, and Damon's character starts noticing, I'm going to pitch to Rizel that I have initials on my shirt. And you go like this. Are those your initials? I go, no, I get my clothes from dead people. And then I'm going to go, these pants, the guy died in the car crash?
Starting point is 00:37:21 Yes. And you're just sitting there and go like, oh. And then I go like, this guy died. I got his whole wardrobe. I went to like an estate stand. I got a guy who connects me. And his name was Phil. And his name was Phil.
Starting point is 00:37:32 So if it happens and you see a shirt and there's like a P.L. No. Oh, no. That's a film. It's definitely inspired by Laura and Phil. Yeah. But thank you for the call. Please follow up with us.
Starting point is 00:37:46 We'll do. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you. And we were brought to you by Wayfair. Oh, Wayfair. Listen, Wayfair crushes it. Your space should feel like you. And if it doesn't yet, that's probably not a taste problem. It's a budget problem. Well, Wayfar fixes that. I know that I got a lot of stuff from Wayfair. It just feels more like a home. I've got a new end table for a lamp, not a new lamp, but now it feels like a new lamp. A thing for all. the bedding at the end of the bed, which is great. I call it the bedding casket. You know, it looks like if a sheet Dracula would rise up out of it. But it just gives you all those little, dare I say, accoutreement that makes your home feel a lot more like a home. And there's so much stuff.
Starting point is 00:38:35 I mean, you're going through it. You are flying through it. It's unbelievable how much stuff is on there. You could get lost in Wayfair. I did get lost in Wayfair for a little bit. Ready to upgrade your home for WayLess. Head to Wayfair.com right now. Shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. And we're brought to you by MintMobil. There are things in life that you don't want to be transparent,
Starting point is 00:39:01 like your swimsuit, research history. But there is something you want to be transparent. You know, we're talking about your wireless bill. Transparency is everything. That's why MintMobil is. wireless plans, have no gimmicks, no gotchas, just high speed data, and reliable coverage on the T-Mobile 5G network, and right now all plans are $15 a month, even unlimited. To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash here to help.
Starting point is 00:39:29 That's mintmobile.com slash here to help. Cut your wireless bill from $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash here to help. That's it. There's no catch. Up front payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 months, plan required $15 month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabyte hotspot, capable device required, availability, speed, and coverage,
Starting point is 00:39:56 various cementmobile.com. And we were brought to you by Quince. Oh, the joys of Quince. Ah, quince makes summer better. One thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed, find myself reaching for those pieces. I've got a new Quince piece that's out there. It's a collared shirt, but it's like a short sleeve, and it's kind of puffy.
Starting point is 00:40:18 I'm not good at explaining it, but I love it. And that's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on well-made essentials that naturally just become those everyday staples that you actually live in all season long. And there's a lot of reasons to love Quince. 100% linen pants and shirts are breathable, easy to throw on, all that stuff. And that's $34. Their T's.
Starting point is 00:40:38 Oh, I've got a lot of their T's. Their T's are soft enough to live in all day. And that lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want when the summer nights cool down. Everything at Quince is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories. They cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. It is the best.
Starting point is 00:40:58 Cannot say enough good stuff about Quince. Everyone I know who uses Quince, uses Quince, gets Quince, loves it. So make sure your summer wardrobe is easier. Go to Quince.com slash here to help for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. now available in Canada too. We let you in. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash here to help for free shipping and 365-day returns.
Starting point is 00:41:19 Quince.com slash here to help. Hello. Hello. How you doing? I'm doing well. How are you doing? Good. What's your name?
Starting point is 00:41:31 My name is Jenna. Jenna. Where are you calling from, Jenna? I am currently in D.C. D.C. And how old are you? I am 27. Just a kid.
Starting point is 00:41:41 And what do you do for work? What keeps you busy, Jenna? So I'm working in D.C. I'm working in the Senate office for healthcare stuff. Cool. Look at you. Health care care. Somebody as smart as you call it this podcast for advice is crazy.
Starting point is 00:41:59 Well, it's kind of like my issue revolves around D.C. Well, Jenna, let's get into it. But before we do, you've got a very special guest. Did you ever watch the show New Girl? Of course I did. Well, you got coach here, Mr. Damon Wayne's Jr. Coach, coach. Oh, my gosh.
Starting point is 00:42:15 What an honor. Hello. Hey, Jenna. I'm actually coming out to D.C. pretty soon to do some stand-ups. What are the dates? I'm excited about that. Sometime in July. Where can people find you stand-up?
Starting point is 00:42:27 Do you have a website? I don't have much out. Oh, you don't? Yeah, yeah. But, like, when you go live tour and how do you let people know just hear Instagram? I just let them know. Yeah, Instagram, Twitter. People are still on that.
Starting point is 00:42:38 And then, you know, when I get there, I do radio. and stuff. Jenna, take over. Okay, wow. So I grew up in Los Angeles, but I've lived in Jackson, Mississippi before D.C. for like 10 years. So the vast majority of my adult life, Southern hospitality has, like, completely rewired my brain. Interesting. And so then I moved to D.C. and people just seem permanently annoyed that I exist.
Starting point is 00:43:04 I don't know if you've ever heard the term, Mascoles. Yes. Massachusetts assholes? Yes, yes, yes. I figured you were familiar. That is totally accurate. It's just a different species of city people. Like I still go home to L.A. every so often, not the city people your encounter in D.C.
Starting point is 00:43:21 And so recently, I was like walking on a sidewalk, going, coming back from getting ramen, like a very normal activity. And there was a bike on the sidewalk, which happens a tonne. Like there's so many etiquette rules, I don't really know where people go on the sidewalk, where people go on the bike lane. It's a whole thing. And so this bike is trying to get around. like me and a different group of people in front of me.
Starting point is 00:43:43 So I kind of go in front of this bike rack and then step to the side. And they got upset for me for like blocking the way. And as she passed me, she looked at me and she said, look me right in the eyes and said, you literally fucking saw me. So I guess she wanted me to like immediately move out of the way for her. So I looked at her and like very calmly, it was like, oh, there's literally a bike lane. Because there was. We were standing right next to it.
Starting point is 00:44:01 And she said, yeah, I'll push you into it, bitch and then sped off. So I went home and totally cried. So I am just like not sick enough skin. for the D.C. folk. And so I need to know basically how to coexist with them because I think I accidentally became a southerner and I completely lost all ability to interact with city people. That's interesting.
Starting point is 00:44:24 So question for you just on a, I grew up under Eve Johnson, so I just was born with a thick skin. What about a lady standing up pushing this bike lane and driving off? What made you cry there? Because what is you? What if she did I, what was I, what was I supposed to say? Like, what are they supposed to say?
Starting point is 00:44:44 My brother was like, you should have come out of her. Like, you should have said something back. Like, do it. And I'm like, then what if she did. Like, I don't know what to do in that scenario. And then I feel like I hate inconveniencing people. Also, like, the southern part of me, I guess. So I hate inconveniencing people.
Starting point is 00:44:58 And there's so many, like, what's I supposed to wait for her on the sidewalk to pass me? I don't know. I'm like always worried that I'm going to make some angry. Right. Like, shit I throw myself in a. Right. I'm right okay yes yes like if somebody does something wrong in Jackson like I'll apologize to them like it's so fine but like everything you do is an inconvenience in DC and people are
Starting point is 00:45:22 going to let you know that and my brain just like can't figure out how to deal with that you know what we got to teach Jenna in my opinion damon and it might not be the right thing and then if so we'll back off she's got to learn jail culture for sure uh You do realize, Jenna, jail culture, it's all different rules. Do you know that, Jenna? Okay. I mean, I don't personally know it. So, Jenna, if you got dropped off in jail, you can't behave like it's not jail, right?
Starting point is 00:45:56 You know that, right? Okay, okay, yeah. Don't make eye contact. Figure out who the shot caller is. If somebody messes with you, you got to attack fast. Stick with your people. Surprisingly enough, ramen is a really big thing there. Yeah, it's cheap.
Starting point is 00:46:10 You got that down, back. But I think we need to toughen you up in a major way in a hurry. Okay, I would not even begin to know how to do that. Well, I mean, look, this might not be the right pitch. That's why I'm bringing, but because we can't teach you the rules of the DC etiquette, and I'm going to tell you why,
Starting point is 00:46:36 because I don't know them. I think they're like different depending on what street you're on. Of course. Is it kind of like New York a little bit? I'm sure they're just city assholes. That's how Chicago was. Right.
Starting point is 00:46:47 It would not be a surprise for somebody to go by you and go like, hey man, watch it, move. And then you say something back, then they say something back, and then it's over. Yeah. If you take it personal,
Starting point is 00:46:59 you know what it reminds me of, Jenna? If you ever barter with somebody on the street, like if you're trying to buy a wallet, and Canal Street. There's a whole different language that goes on that's not personal. But there is an entire language of the negotiation where you've got to go,
Starting point is 00:47:17 oh, it's really beautiful. Then the guy goes, for you, 60 for both. And then you got to go, get the fuck out of here. And he goes, that's what I pay. Then you got to walk away, Jenna. But, like, it's constant. Like, you say hello to someone on the street
Starting point is 00:47:33 and they stare at you like you're genuinely insane. Like, so it's like every, day. So you know what I would like you to be? Every interaction. Okay. Here's the term I want you to think in your head when you see somebody. When you see somebody walking down the street, right now is Jenna, a little Southerner. What's your first thought?
Starting point is 00:47:51 I hope they have a lovely day. Oh wow. I like those shoes. Isn't that a lovely person? Hello, hello, hello. That's where your head's kind of at? Yeah, absolutely. Here's what I want you to think. Why aren't you just a bit of all right. Sorry, I'm spiraling.
Starting point is 00:48:11 That's nice. Yeah, yeah. Here's what I wanted you to start thinking. Did you ever see the movie Throw Mama from the train? I have never heard Throw Mama from the train. You ever see the movie Goonies? No. It was an actress who had a run. You know who I'm talking about?
Starting point is 00:48:29 Did you ever see those movies? I saw Goonies, for sure. Remember the old lady who is it that dog? Yes, it had that crazy face. Yes, she was the mom to the, the, too bad guys. She had like a five-year run where she was booking movies left and right. Just a gnarly old son of a woman. Just a tire of a woman.
Starting point is 00:48:50 Very, a tire, for sure. Just old rubber burnt, mean as fucking hell. I want you to start channeling that vibe. And when you see somebody, your first thought, when you think your thought, know, I want you to convert it to, I hope they eat a dick. Mm-hmm. I hope they choke on a dick and die. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:49:15 Preferably my dick. I hope they eat my dick and die. Yep. And I want you to think that for three days when everybody you see. Don't act any differently. This is a multi-tier approach. It helps your brain. It's you see somebody, they wave at you, eat a dick.
Starting point is 00:49:32 Mm-hmm. The fuck so. What are you waving for? Eat a dick. Take that hand you're using the wave, put it on a dick. Put that dick in a sandwich. A little bit of mail, a little bit of mustard. Fucking eat that foot long.
Starting point is 00:49:52 Six inch, depends. Depends on how hungry you are for that dick. Right, right. So I'm supposed to think all of those things every time. Well, here's your version of it. You know, for sure. So let's do this just to start. Pretend, Jenna, you're walking down the street and then verbalize what your thoughts are.
Starting point is 00:50:15 Imagine seeing somebody and then tell us what you're going to think. What I currently think or what you are trying to have you think. So you're going to walk down the street. I'm going to tell you who you're seeing. You respond. Damon's going to tell you what you're seeing next. We're going to keep throwing options at you. And then you respond and you're going to.
Starting point is 00:50:35 Now, all you have to do on the outside is nothing right now. These are just thoughts. Okay. You're walking down the street. You see a man around 40. He's got a little dog. He's nothing. You know, nothing.
Starting point is 00:50:47 You look at each other. You make a teeny bit eye contact. He does a very slight head nod. What do you say? I hope his air conditioning breaks. That's fine. No. I need a little more aggression.
Starting point is 00:51:03 We're going to start with just eating. It's really hot. In D.C. It's really hot. That would be awful. All right. So maybe we let her... So AC doesn't work. So it's really...
Starting point is 00:51:18 It's too hot to be eating dicks with an AC don't work. That's what we want. Yeah. I hope it's air conditioning. Yeah. Stamins right. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:26 I hope it's air conditioning and break. It gets really hot and sweaty. It's really muggy. And then... The only thing he has to eat. Is dick. Is dick. Okay.
Starting point is 00:51:35 So, Jenna. You're back to walking the street, Damon. Okay. You walk in the street. You see a lady ride by on a bike. What do you tell her? She looks just like the girl that you saw before. And then she lands into a pile of dicks.
Starting point is 00:51:59 Oh! Now we're cooking with grease. You see a male carrier. No, a UPS driver. Stop, get out of the truck. jog past you in those little shorts to drop something off and you think I hope a dog comes up
Starting point is 00:52:17 takes off his shorts and then he eats his own dick oh David wait so the dog is he just watching the dog eat his dick or is he what how is he participated of the human oh so he eats his own rips the panes yeah okay okay we'll keep the dog out of it okay cool you got one last one damon yeah you got a 12 year old kid who you saw
Starting point is 00:52:39 try and sell his candies to this person. He's obviously, he has the money, and he's running a scam. And then he approaches you, he goes, hey, ma'am, I'm trying to pay my way through school. And he has, like, some melted fucking M&Ms and Snickers bars. What do you say to that kid, that 12-year-old?
Starting point is 00:53:01 And he has his eyes. Hold on. He has dead eyes. Jeddie keep going. He might not even be 12. He says he's 12, but he could be, like, a solid 30-year-old. too. Jan, I keep going.
Starting point is 00:53:11 What do you think? I don't want your candy. Mm-hmm. And somebody without a dick wouldn't even want your candy. Wow. No. And then he finished. No.
Starting point is 00:53:28 And then as you're walking past him, he goes, fucking bitch. You hear him say that. What do you say? Like, do you turn around? What do you say to him? Okay. I'm responding. No, no, just in your head.
Starting point is 00:53:42 In your head. In your head. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Your mom's a bitch. Pretty good. Yes.
Starting point is 00:53:50 I like that. Jenna, I'm going to give you one last one. And I don't want these fucking excuses. You're called looking for change, so let's change. Okay? You willing to change? I'm willing.
Starting point is 00:54:03 You're walking past a children's hospital. Oh, my God. A little kid comes out. Clearly. clearly going through some stuff. Got the cap on. His sweet mother's with him holding his arm. The dad is looking like Willie Loman.
Starting point is 00:54:21 These bills are on top of his ass. They're not surviving the economy or this nightmarish disease. They see you. What do you think? Oh, my gosh. Jenna, we just agreed. We're looking for change.
Starting point is 00:54:41 Okay, okay. You see this family. What do you think? I hope everyone but the child eats a dick. What if the cure is in that? Here's what we need from you, Jenna. I'm going to let you off the hook on this one. Yeah, that was pretty good.
Starting point is 00:55:06 I mean, it was pretty good. You can't. I agree. So here's what we need now. Three full days. And Jenna, I mean it. Everybody you see, you have something bad to say about them, and then you hope they eat a dick.
Starting point is 00:55:21 Find something that you hate about what they're wearing, how they're walking, their smell, something that bothers you. And you don't like them. Yeah. They're your enemies. We're doing that for three straight days. You're not talking. You can talk to your friends if you want to about it,
Starting point is 00:55:41 but this is a personal thing you are going through. Are you willing to commit to that starting as soon as we hang up? As soon as we hang up. Okay. I'm fully committed scouts honor. Because you have to know that's what they're thinking about you. 100%. They hate you for no reason.
Starting point is 00:56:02 Zero reason. Well, does that make me like a negative person though? No. No. Protective. We are going to get past. This is phase one. Okay.
Starting point is 00:56:10 Phase two is when, you're thinking it, and sometimes you don't even think it, sometimes you do, it's getting it's not as disciplined. Then, in your head, if somebody seems nice and friendly, nothing. If somebody seems a little bit rude, they're still the insult and eat a dick. But now some people can get faded out. Then we do that for three days. And now you can start going, this seems like a nice family.
Starting point is 00:56:40 They just walked out of the hospital. They don't need to eat dicks anymore. No. But that fucking lady on the bike, she might need to eat a dick. Then you do that for three days. Then the third phase, and this is all a nine-day program that Damon and I teach, it's ten days and under is what it's called. Ten and under.
Starting point is 00:56:58 The final three days, Jenna, and you're not going to like this. Each day you need to tell two people on the street to eat a dick. No. Jenna. Now, it could be a car that drives too close. Somebody honks, you just have to yell, Eat a dick! Mm-mm.
Starting point is 00:57:22 Three people for three days. And maybe put, like, you know, a little, you know, some adjectives. Give me an example. Eat an uncircumcised dick. Give me another example. Give me a fucking micropenus. Give me another example. Eat a friggin.
Starting point is 00:57:40 dick with the with the blowhole on the top like it's a like it's a shamute i know that that happens actually it's like the really yeah where like your dick hole can be like on the top of your how do you know i know an actor who has that name names i don't think he wants me to name would i know who he was yes you would give him just so the audience has an idea Funny guy. He does a lot of drama work now. Incredible. Age group.
Starting point is 00:58:18 Our age group. Whoa. Yeah, a name starts with a T. Last name starts with an L. And he's got a blowhole on the top of his dick, like a whale. Because I made a joke. Like, I was making like a joke about it. And then he was like, you got that too?
Starting point is 00:58:32 I was like, ill fucking no. He's like, no. He's like, I was actually born with that. I was like, oh, man, let me see. And that's fine. It's just like you got a share. Hamoo Dick and that's cool in some way. He's got a freaking free willie in your pants.
Starting point is 00:58:45 It's cool, man. Yeah, but so, yeah. So, Jenna, what are you thinking? Not about the show of those stuff. I think that this could work. I have a question. Of course. The last three days, does it count?
Starting point is 00:59:03 Like, if I just yell it at a car while the windows are up. Of course. Maybe they don't hear it. Of course. No, they don't have to hear it. You can also say it under your breath. Amazing. It is not for others to hear.
Starting point is 00:59:13 One thing my dad did once when I was first getting to know him is we were driving in the car and somebody cut him off. And like a true fucking mafioser tough guy, he goes, drive it or fucking milk it, you asshole. Oh. And I went like, drive it or milk it? I was like, I don't get that. But it's a cow or a car? I don't know. Either like squeeze the titties or drive the guy.
Starting point is 00:59:35 I don't know. But I did think he was pretty tough. And then later in the car, somebody goes, driving a fucking milk it. it. And then I went, actually, Kroc, the windows are up in the music, no one can hear you. If you're going to do it, unroll the windows. And he goes, there's no point to that. They might hear it. And I thought, still effective, but you don't want to get your ass kicked. So, Jenna, when we're saying this, it's not for them to hear. It's for you to say. Perfect.
Starting point is 01:00:03 Because- Love that. Okay. Because eventually, if you don't do this, it'll just pile up. and then you end up murdering somebody. Or you're going to get beat up. Or you get, yeah, or that. So give us an example now, Jenna, and it could be not for us to hear,
Starting point is 01:00:19 but you're walking down the street. And a lady, and now this is only happening to people you don't like. But now a lady with a dog walks by, and she just looks like a fucking tire of a woman, just a nasty old lady. And she gives you that scowl, that DC scowl,
Starting point is 01:00:38 and she goes, move to the left what do you do I think in my head that I hope she loses her job gets a ticket and then sucks a real bad dick and then I tell her to suck a dick
Starting point is 01:00:56 out of my breath now say it into your breath so think it it's like you did and then let's hear how you're going to say it suck a dick excellent Damon give her an example I love that you're killing I love that I really love that oh give her an example yeah let's give her another person that's a challenger All right.
Starting point is 01:01:15 You're on an elevator. Somebody gets on there with you. You forgot to press your floor. You asked them to press your floor, and they refuse. You're going to do it yourself. So you have to do it yourself. Suck a dick.
Starting point is 01:01:35 Yes. I like that. Okay, I got another one for you. You're crossing the street. A car is coming. slows down, lets you pass, then honks and flicks you off and drives off. What do you do?
Starting point is 01:01:50 Suck a little shriveled 80-year-old dick. But how are you going to say? Can you yell that one? Suck a dick. Jenna. I like that. Welcome to the city. You're here.
Starting point is 01:02:04 Will you follow up with us after the 10 days and will you, in terms of paying the toll, will you record on a voice note one of you one or two of your suck a dicks that you say in public and a possible reaction and and a possible reaction would be incredible that's not easy to get yeah but do not get yourself in a fight we are not there so i don't want the people to necessarily hear it if you go sunk a dick and they go what yeah i go that second deck yeah and then they go second dick and they go what are you saying and you like a second deck at my house point to your ear and go I'm on the phone oh that's good
Starting point is 01:02:47 that is good that is good I'm so sorry I'm on the phone yeah I'm sorry what yes yeah yeah that's really good so then after day 10 which I do think you should reconsider 10 and under being the name but after day 10 I just go back in these times all right so jana pitch us a quick title idea then for the name um be a m asshole in 10 days or less. Oh. That's better. It's a little lengthy.
Starting point is 01:03:17 It is lengthy, but. But you can also say back. Yeah. Yeah. Be an asshole. 10 days or less. All right. So what were you saying?
Starting point is 01:03:25 Open my masshole. 10 days or less. That feels different. No. Yeah. That gets a little weird. Jenna, what were you saying at the end? Because I feel like we got a winner and we're out.
Starting point is 01:03:36 You tell me. Yeah. I'm ready. And then just day 10. I go back to trying to not. about dicks. Day 10, you just now relax, because now you have a different mindset. And if, guess what, if you see somebody and you have a negative thought, let it come.
Starting point is 01:03:54 Okay. But you follow up with us after that day 10. Yes, well do. I will, and I will pay my toll. I will send you videos of me telling people to suck a dick, which is not a sentence I thought I'd ever say, but I'll do it. I love it. I think it's great. I think you're in a great.
Starting point is 01:04:09 And where in L.A. did you grow up? like specifically law crescenta but glendale Pasadena area oh you're right in my hood fucking suck a dick where'd you go to school uh crescenta valley high school ah suck a dick that's a great school that's really cool it's unfortunate that we he can't be that nice
Starting point is 01:04:33 uh in in most places all right janet thanks for the call suck a big fucking dick you asshole awesome thanks so much much and you suck a dick too. Yeah! Goodbye. Bye. Bye.
Starting point is 01:04:52 Hi, all. Katie here. I'm a big fan of the show. I had a thought on how people could pay up when their content is too boring for a full follow-up. Natalie said she didn't want to dedicate 10 to 15 minutes for a boring follow-up at the end of the show. So I was thinking, what if you do a two-minute follow-up for the really boring ones? you bang out five at the end of the show that you get your 10 minutes, but that way you're not sitting there for 15 minutes listening to a boring follow-up. You could do it with Jake and Gareth,
Starting point is 01:05:19 where they just have a quick phone call with them, or even have people send in a voice memo that says, hi, this is Katie. My problem was boring follow-up, and you suggested this. It worked. Check out the Instagram for the picture of how it worked. I love the show, and I love pay the toll. Everybody check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early, and there's also Back Catalog episodes. That's right. So we're here to help is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to Back Catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two.
Starting point is 01:05:56 It's just join us. Let's go. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at Helpful Podcast. Pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com
Starting point is 01:06:18 slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork
Starting point is 01:06:34 is by James Fostike. Animation by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Garrett do stand up on the road, go to gareth reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.
Starting point is 01:06:52 That was a hit gum podcast. Hey everyone, this is Whitney. And the Lexong. AKA the popcorn queen and king. Hey guys, we just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you've shown our family. As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231,
Starting point is 01:07:10 We're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey. And that journey has really inspired us to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation. That's right. The foundation helps transplant families with everyday expenses during recovery so they could focus on what's most important. Healing. Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load. If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate at A-R-A-N-A-K-R-F.org. That's Arana-K-R-F.org. Thank you so much for being such an incredible community. And thank you for always being there to help.
Starting point is 01:08:02 Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast That Was Us Now on HeadGum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.
Starting point is 01:08:23 Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.