We're Here to Help - 309: Naked With A Gun & Tiny Tootsies (with Damon Wayans Jr., Jessy Hodges and Ryan Gaul)

Episode Date: July 22, 2026

The guys are joined by a crew of guest helpers for this special episode. First, Jake, Damon Wayans Jr and Jessy Hodges help a caller slide her ass to the backseat. Then, Gareth and Ryan Gaul help a big foot achieve legend status.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. We're doing a big in studio. You know what we're doing tonight in real life. One of the reasons we're in studio, Gareth, is... I'm so excited that it's... that it's next. And we have not been thinking about it or talking about.

So it's July 8th. We are going to an Airbnb we rented in Silver Lake, where Steve Berg and Adam Oler are currently preparing chicken parmesan meals. Will you, okay. For anyone who doesn't know, there is a competition between our friend Steve and our friend Adam. Adam is a pretty good restaurante guy. he can cook. Berg, just a guy, who thinks he can cook.

But who has become in his mind. A chef. A chef. So they're going to have a competition. If Berg wins, he gets a cookbook. That we finance. We take photos of him to. A sort of sexy cookbook with Berg.

Yes. You. But if he loses, he is not allowed to talk about food for six months. Which is going to be impossible. But great. You went over there a little early. earlier and you will you just tell people the story of Steve? Yes, and I called you to tell you.

Yes, and we were to cry laughing. So I went over to the Airbnb, Steve is very excited. Yes. He's very confident. Right. Then Oler came in when Oler brought his food supplies. Right. And he had a bunch of different salts.

And Burr goes, Cheevith. You brought a bunch of salt? and Oler goes, yes, I think the salts are a big part. And I think the salts are a big part. And Berg goes to Amy. Do I have salt?

And she goes, looked in the Airbnb and there was salt and pepper shakers. And he looks at it and he goes, oh yeah, this will be good enough. That's definitely salt. And then? And then he goes,

he looked at all of Adam's supplies. And Adam had like, stuff. And I could tell it was getting in Berg's head. And that for me is comedic wheelhouse. So I was like, oh, I go, Steve, you're starting to freak out. And he goes, not one bitch out, though. And I go, you're in deep waters, man.

Like, you didn't even have salt. You can't believe he brought some. And he goes, I'm 100% confident. I'm going to crush him. And then we started walking out. Wait, wait, the bread. Oh, yeah, the bread. This will cut me.

So then he goes, Amy goes Oh for the The breading on the chicken Do you care what Brand it is And Burr goes Don't care

It's just breading They all taste the same And then Oler gave a look And he goes Steve goes Oh I bet Adam's gonna make His own bread And then he goes

Looks at me He goes It doesn't matter It's just the breading And then I was dying And I was like I think you're in deep waters, brother.

And I think at this point, you know it. And I would go, and I've been flip-flopping, but now I want to see you lose. Like, I think you've over, I think you've written a check that there's just not that money in the account. He's just showing up to the SAT. Yeah. And he didn't practice. No. We start leaving.

He's looking back talking trash door. He walks right into a wall. Then we get to the door and he misses a stout. Oh, my God. And he's not. I'm not admit. I go like, Steve, I was like, Steve, you're having an out-of-body experience.

You've walked into a wall. You felt like, he's like, not at all. Not at all. Not at all. I think he is going to crumble in a way that is... Look, I didn't think he was going to win. But the fact that he's saying the breadcrumbs don't matter is crazy. That's crazy.

That's the first fucking thing you're going to taste. Tell me about the tacos that you were telling me off there. The taco, God damn it. All right, listen, he made these tacos. And they were very good. I mean, we got hammered and ate these tacos. They were very good. But there were things where I was like,

why don't we throw the tortillas on the grill? So they get a little crispy and burn, you know, like a little burn on them. And he's like, ooh, that's a great idea. And then I'm like, I'll put a little cheese on it once once. Oh, that's awesome. And I'm going, these are things that a culinary genius would be ahead of. The chicken, he just put through the breasts on like hole. And I was like, did you think about like kind of cutting it down a little bit?

so you could monitor the even, you know, cooking it a little evenly. It's like, that's a great idea. And then I was like towards the end, throw a little lemon on it. It'll rehydrate it. And then like four days later, you're like, you have changed my world with this. And I'm like, these are not things that someone who's going to get a cookbook says. You're, we are an hour away.

Yeah. To going over there and doing the cookoff. where are you at right now? The breadcrumbs is a huge problem. Huge problem for him. Huge problem that he's like, it's shake and bacon, I'll help. That's not good.

That's not good. Adam has bread, has put thought into it. Adam seemed to, Adam had so many surprises. And Adam seemed shocked by one he said that. Adam seemed so confident. Yeah. I think we are now.

That Steve brought out, Steve would say, ooh, you got that too. Can I use it? Yeah. And Adam goes, you can use whatever you want. And Steve was like wonderful. Also a problem.

Also a problem that he's like, ooh, plutonium. Mind if I give it a go? Not good. I think Steve is going to lose. He's walking into walls. He's missing steps. He doesn't bring salt. He doesn't think breadcrumbs matter.

He's falling downstairs. So final prediction. Berg gets dominated. You? Oler. Yeah. I think this is right before a Super Bowl. Yeah.

And we as media guys have been hyping up the big game. Yeah. And I got lost in the hype machine. Yes. And I started going like, I don't know. Yeah. Maybe the underdog can actually win. And then I saw both teams warming up.

Yeah. And I was like, oh, that looks like a fucking football team. One guy was, one guy like saw receivers. He's like, you have gloves? Does that help you catch the ball? Can I borrow those? And he goes, oh my God, you have a playbook? What is that?

Are those recipes? I was like, uh-oh. Now, I think what Berg is banking on. What's that an offensive line? Yeah. Does that help? Is banking on? is he's just going to cook together

a meat and potatoes chicken parm and I think it's going to be pretty good just the way if I said to you come over I'll cook you dinner and I cooked spaghetti and I made a sauce that I like chopped up some like sausages

and put in. If you flew in to do that for me I'd be like, what's your problem? Are you okay? You had a plane ride. You didn't look up do you need special breadcrumbs for flavor? Are you okay? Okay. We're an hour away. We're excited.

Let me say this, though. Okay. My movie, Give It Up, will be in North Hollywood, July 28th at 7 p.m. You can go to Give It Upfilm.com to see the screening, where you can go to my website, which is Garrett Thrace. And will you be at the screening? Yes. Will you be doing a Q&A after?

Are you going to say the movie theater name? Yes. The Lamley? Yes. Do that again, but better. July 28th at the Lemley Theater, 7 p.m. Give It Up, go to Give It Upfilm.com for tickets and information. And without further ado.

No, and you'll be there. I'll be there doing a Q&A. Yes. And it doesn't matter what kind of breadcrumbs there are. It's going to be delicious. Enjoy the show. Enjoy the ads, everybody. And we're brought to you by ARIA.

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For more information on APY rates, My pay, spot me and travel perks. Go to chime.com slash disclosures. And we're brought to you by Dunkman. Presented by Shaquille O'Neal. Dunkman is a new electrifying dunk league that aims to transform dunking from a one-night contest to a high-stakes professional sport. The season will consist of four group stage events in which 24 the world's best dunkers battle for a spot in the Dunk Man World Championship with a $500,000 grand prize on the line. The inaugural season of Dunk Man in partnership with Eli Lilly premieres live July 21st at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on TNT and streaming on HBO Max.

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We've got a wild episode this week, so try to keep up. The first call is with Jake, Damon Wayne Jr. and Jesse Hodges. And the second call is with Gareth and Ryan Gahl. Let's get to it. Hi, can we get your name, please? Welcome to the show. Thank you. My name is Rebecca.

Fuck, I need my pen. Sorry. Rebecca. Oh, wait, here. Rebecca. You can have my pen. Where are you calling from, Rebecca? Yeah, where are you calling from?

I'm in Maine. Maine. That's a nice place to be. I like Maine. I was born in Vermont. It's kind of close. Not really, but... Well.

I like your Rebecca. You're tough. Well, Rebecca, how old are you? What's our age group? I'm 27. Okay. She's a kid. Yeah.

Really tougher. I thought you were going to say 35. Yeah, ever been to Vermont? Yes, I've been to Vermont. Okay, cool. How long it's, how long it'll take you to get there? Like four hours, dude. It's not close.

Drive, four hour drive? Four hour drive? That's like my commute to Beverly Hills. Rebecca, really fast. If there was a book about your life, what would the title be? Don't ask, I don't know Don't know This is gonna be a good

This is feisty Don't ask So Rebecca you're here with a My TV wife and my TV husband I would have to say Aw No And I wasn't supposed to be here

Rebecca Have you heard of the show on Apple Called Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed Jesse we're doing the airport trick Okay Rebecca have you heard of it No You've never heard of it

You're a fan of Jake Johnson and you haven't heard of it? It's okay. It's okay. Don't feel bad about it. Look, now I have something to watch later. Are you talking? Very true. It's on Apple.

She's on the show. She plays my wife in it. She's very funny. Her name is Jesse Hodges. And then have you ever heard the show, New Girl? Yeah. Okay. Well, from New Girl, you've got Coach the great Damon Wayne's Jr. is here.

You got three of us. Wow. Good for me. Hey, guys. Good for me. We're spoiling you today. What is the issue and take your time? Okay.

So I've been married for three years, been with my husband for nine. This man refuses to have sex with me in a car. Maybe it's because he's six, four. Maybe it's because he's a mechanic. Maybe he likes cars more than he likes me. I don't know. But that's my issue. Do you say maybe he likes car?

more than he likes me. Okay. I don't know. Okay. So your problem is, is your husband, who's six for in a mechanic, won't have sex with you in a car, and you really want to. Yeah.

We're pretty vanilla, you know, like all considering, but there's something about maybe because he doesn't want you is that I want to so badly, but he won't. What kind of car do you guys have? Is there space for that? Well, okay. Yeah, that's the thing. We have a couple fun cars.

I'm not expecting to do it in a fun car, but we have an outback. Like there's a lot of room in an outback Yeah That's true Okay so Rebecca Walk us through Some situations where you've hinted at this

You've asked for it Because I don't understand the outback If you're talking about a two-seater He might be like why You're talking about an outback You lay the seats down No But then to be fair

Then it is kind of like having sex in a bed I know but if you put the seats down Rebecca and put a blanket down Are you counting that? I know you did a whole ass air mattress in it And he still won't But actively, like, we'll be, like... Can I just ask?

I don't mean to challenge you. But then what's the exotic? What's the cool thing about having sex in a car if you're just kind of making it like a bed? Well, that's, I mean, it wasn't my idea to make it to bed. Okay. I'm okay. You want to be in the front with the seats up.

Or in the back with the seats up, maybe. I'm okay with the front or the back, the seats up. Rebecca, walk us through what you... What do we call on your husband? His name is Josh. Josh. Walk us through what you would like to do with Josh and what he says no to, because I'm a little turned around. I would like to have sex with my husband.

I'm not sure what the question is. Well, here's the question, Rebecca. You said you want to do it in a fucking car. You can put the seats down. That's car, but that's not exotic. You want to sit in front seat with a six foot four man. Where is knees going? So what is the realistic fantasy here?

you got to think about the comfort level. So when you say you want to have sex in a car, the point is not comfort. The point is not comfort. The point is not coming to do it. Experience something new together. He hasn't done it before. I haven't done it before.

Oh, you guys have never had sex in a car, period? No, that's my point. Thank you. It is now fantasy. Okay, I get it. I get it. But do you care? Hold on with your fucking tone.

Don't you, of course. So there are questions to this, Miss Rebecca. How about the back seat? Does that count? Yes, yeah, back seat, seat up is fine. Front seat, seat up is okay. You don't want flat seats. I'm saying this is your lawyer right now.

You can sit a queen-sized air mattress in the back of the LPack. Okay, well, we talked about that before and you seemed into it. What about the top? I'm not on top of the car. I'm saying it's an okay option. It's not my ideal. More like they put the skis. What about that?

And if there's a little skylight, you put a limb in there. Yeah. Does that count? That does that count? A limb stuck out of the sunroof, I think, is okay. But it's just weird because we're already doing it in our garage. Like, that's just going to be right. Rebecca, here's what we're going to get to.

We're going to figure out what will make you happy. We're going to get to the details of it. And then we're going to probably try to call Josh. Oh, God. That's when I'll leave. So, Rebecca. Just now without. attitude. Tell us what you want in terms of where you're your lawyers of what we could present to

Josh, how you want the sex to be. What are you proposing to this man? Can I, can I also add, I would, I would love to know what his hang up is. Is it the comfort? I'm not quite sure of the hang up. That's the thing too. Because there's a lot of, there's a lot of variables. It might be that he's six for it. Might be that he's a mechanic. We don't know. But is it a public thing? Is it public? We don't know. She wants to do it in a garage, Jesse.

You want to do it? No, no, no, no. I do not want to do that in my car in my garage. No, I'm not trying to tell myself. Okay, so what do you want, Rebecca, take over. Tell us what you would like to do with Josh. If you're in control and he's saying yes right now, how about this? Damon, will you be Josh?

Rebecca, pitch to Josh, your husband, what you would like to do in a car with him. What's up, honey? Okay, well, I'm not going to. Hey, baby. So here's the situation. Here's my ideal dream situation. We go out to dinner. We're a little tipsy.

Before we drive home, because we're not going to drive home drunk, let's fuck it off, let's sober up. We're having sex in the back of the car in the back of a parking lot. Okay. And how long do I normally last? It depends on the day, to be honest with you.

But, you know, he's got a couple in him. Okay, okay. Couple pops. That's good. What do you think, Jeff? That's youthful. What will I be, wearing to this event?

It's a bit warmer we are now. It's probably some like golf shorts, a little lightweight polo. Okay, so I can just kind of slide my golf shorts to the side a little bit. Yeah, exactly. I like that. Okay, here's the second option.

We do golf. Okay. So we could just post golf cordis. Yeah, I don't know. I get a little swamp assy on a. I mean, it depends. How many holes are we doing, like, I don't know, full 18?

We're in a car. Oh, yeah. No, I'm saying before. Oh, you're done you go. I'm just like, because it's really hot, really sweaty. How many holes before? How many holes after? Yeah.

Nine holes in four. How many holes we're looking for here? One possible two after. She said nine holes before, one hole after? You said one after? Up to three. Oh. In a car.

Wow. Host golf? This is my thing. No, listen, listen. Okay. The thing is that I'm giving all the options. I'm just being denied. And so when this has happened in the past, Rebecca,

what has he said? How does this go? No. I have a question, Rebecca. Oh, sorry. I have a question. What is kind of the, the freakiest place that you guys have

experienced each other? Like, in other people? Outside of the car. We're pretty vanilla. Other people's houses? Or vanilla. But like at a party or when your house sitting? Like house sitting.

What's the most extreme place. Just other people's houses. I don't know. It's a countertop. I'm telling you, we're very vanilla. Oh, yeah. That's not that. Hey, Rebecca. That's not that vanilla.

I know, but they've been together for nine years. So you go back to she was, uh, what, a teenager. 18. 18. Yeah. So thank you. So this is the beginning. This is you're like, hey, we're going to be in this sort of the long haul.

I've missed a few years. We're starting to, exactly. We're starting to explore, but we've been together for a long time. It's a time we do something a little adventurous. And the car is. feel safe. I think you're right. I think you're right.

And when he says no, what is his, I think we're going to help you on this, Rebecca. Yeah. But when he says no, what's his vibe? And how do you ask? Do you, like, do like little hints? There are sometimes little hints, but if you can't tell,

I'm pretty direct. I can't tell. So I would actively test as. Weird. I got to say maybe what it is is it's after dinner. Yeah. He's hearing, hi, you want to fuck me in the car?

And he's going, I don't want to fuck you anywhere. That is crazy. You're also right. But that. You had two drinks. Move those golf shards having sick. You dick in me.

And he goes like to. No. I want to go home and relax. I'm scared of you. Yeah, you're going to, you're getting pretty close to the truth on that. Well, but guess what? He needs to toughen up. He does.

Okay, so. Thank you. All right. So, Rebecca, walk us through really fast, just out of the own curiosity now. when you have hinted and what has actually happened? If I'm like, oh, like I'll reach over, do a little bit of rubbing, not much tugging, you know, like while you're driving or like on the way home, yeah, open pants.

Sometimes in the pants, and then still, even in the pants, I can't do anything. Oh, like no erection, you're talking. No. No, well, yes, there is, but not enough to like want to take care of it in that moment. Right, right. So, like, okay, I've got to pull over and. He's just not getting turned down in the car.

The one time this is an experience that I had, and this would what made me want to do it, I was driving my car and my wife, she jumps into the backseat, right? And I'm just like, what do you doing? I was like, we're driving. Like, don't, she comes her head for, she blows me from the backseat. Whoa. Okay. And so I had to pull over and handle business. We were driving, I think it was a land rover at the time.

Oh. Good for her. Yeah, it was great. It was great. Only problem was we had two kids in the car. I'm kidding. Otherwise, it would have been incredible. I'm kidding about the kids at the car, but yeah, she did that.

And so maybe just like do a little fun, like something that is unexpected. Yeah, it was great. This is actually interesting, Rebecca. I was going to go a different way and try to get to Josh, but I think Damon might be right. Should we just pitch to you of moves you can try? I suppose that'll be his first step And if it doesn't work I'm calling back and you can talk to him

I think you're exactly right How about so the first pitch Is while he's driving Climing the back seat And then What speed are we going? Rebecca, Rebecca, take a breath That is a very vanilla consideration

How fast are we going? If you want to be crazy I have to unbuckle and crawl into the back seat while we're driving? It's kind of like a one guy. This is what... This is the issue. Right.

This is what we're talking about. You want to do something wild. I'm not driving. I'm not driving a Tesla. So you want to pull over. So I think you got to... Have an idea. You got to maybe do something that make him want to pull over.

Yes, that's exactly. That's what they're saying. Here's what my idea is. Say to him, hey, do you mind driving me to the grocery store really fast? I got to get something. A grocery store? It's Christ, Rebecca.

You have to go with us here. So I want you to go for a drive in the Outback and here's something I'd like you to try. Do you have any bigger jackets? Like a trench coat. I see where you're going. I see where you're going and I'm not sure if I like it but I'll let you finish.

Thank you. I have one next. I have one next after that. Am I married to you? This sounds like a conversation. My wife. This is my childhood, actually. Everything I say, like, before you say something, I know where you're going to go and I don't like it, but go on.

Okay, I just entered the world. So where I'm going, Rebecca, tell me where I'm going and tell me why you don't like it. Because I know you know. Because here's where we're going. We're going exactly. We're going to go for a little drive at night. Now we're talking. Open up the sunroof, get out, I'm in the trench coat.

It's a little chilly out because it's night. But I'm naked under the trench coat. Now we're talking. And then at a certain point, without telling him, that jacket comes off, and he's all of a sudden sitting next to a naked woman, and, like, near the forest preserves. And that's right near Vermont. Yes.

So what do you not, I'm surprised that you're not into this, given that you're wanting to do something that's kind of like racey, fun, experimental. No, I'm not against the trench coat. It says that it's June in Maine, so it's kind of warm. I got one. Go ahead. Send him out. Send him out for a...

You said, what I said? You said, what I mean? She said who's sighing, relax. By the way, Rebecca, you're a winner, dude. You are. You are a real winner. So send him out for, you know, at nighttime, send him out for some, you know, an errand, you know, go pick me up some strawberries, something like that. He gets in the car.

He's driving off. He doesn't know that you're hiding in the backseat. And you pull... Make sure the guns outload it. You put a gun next to his head. You just go, give me that dick. We're fucking right now. Yeah, right behind and while he's driving.

Give me that dick. He's going to pull over. It just seems like it's maybe more Rebecca's style. I'm butt naked. Pull over and give me all that. Yeah, you're not in the trench coat. You're fully naked. You're just hiding in the bag.

Oh, I'm just naked. You're naked with a gun. You're naked with a gun. I like it, but I do have an erection. Yeah, I would... I would immediately come because it's like I'm so surprised. And what I'm behind you saying that you would...

Give me that thing. Oh, fuck. We'd probably crash. So, Rebecca, now we got to talk a little turkey on this one. Because you don't like getting naked. Would you do something aggressive like that? No, I'm not against getting naked. I'm just saying it's hot.

And I don't want to be like sweating before we're having the back in the car. Like the car in the sex is going to be hot enough. Oh, how about this? You're in a cute little sundress. Yes, a sun dress. Yeah, that's the best. Fine. A little sundress where you're going in there.

Now we're talking. There we go. Okay, great. I'm happy to lose the trench coat. Do you want to go the Damon route of a grass? I mean it, though. Hold on. Probably not.

Okay. Do you want to go? John Wick, John Dick. Do you want to go the Damon route of out of nowhere in a deep voice? You say, give me that dick. Yeah. You don't have to have a gun. But just literally sitting there and you go.

I don't think that technique would. work without the gun. Okay. So what do you think about honestly being in a sundress, going for a drive in the outback at night, then at a certain point going, do you mind pulling over here? Like you can get a view of the moon? And go, do you mind pulling over? I just want to, I want to like look at that lake. I know there's a lot of lakes in men and go, this is actually really pretty. And he goes, yeah. And then he goes, you want to just pull over here and you go, Josh, just shut the fuck up. Pull over.

Turn off the car. And then you've got the music you like on. And you're staying there and you go, this is nice. And he goes, yeah, it is really nice. And then you put your seat back a little bit and you go, relax, Josh, put your seat back. Then he does. You listen to the music.

You're chilling. You just take the dress off. Yeah. I support this. If I'm not wearing underwear under the sundress, I don't know if it needs to come off. But I like the premise. Well, why not take it off?

No, but say that to him because that'll really turn them on. Yeah. I don't think I'm going to take this off because, you know, it's kind of, I have no panties on anyways. He's going to really love. But you're talking about getting him in the mood. Oh, okay. I just thought I was going to get on. Just hop right on.

Maybe this is part of the issue. Yes. Maybe we got to focus a little more on the getting in the mood part. Aren't you get a car bed? What's a car bed? You know, like the little kids. Like, like, I'm so much. Yeah, meet in the middle.

Yeah. A little race car bed. Like a lightning McQueen. Yeah, that's a good idea. Like that, everybody's happy. You guys make all the noises. No, but NASCAR in the background. That's your answer right there, I think.

But really quick, Rebecca, if you're going to initiate it home with Josh, how do you do it? I don't know. Who initiated? It's a slow get-up, and then it's like being touchy-feely, making out. Oh, that's okay. So it's hard to pull that off in the car. Yeah. Yeah.

So here's what I honestly think you do. It's not, it's not hard to pull it off. It's just that when I do do it, I can do the slow reach and like we can be kind of sexy in the car. But then it's like, okay, let's speed home. Not let's pull over. So here's what I say you do. You're in the car. You do that.

Are you into that whole setup on the side of the road, all of that? Before we got to take the dress off. Everything else you're happy with that deal. Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. So you start kissing as if you're at home, if he says, let's get home, you say, this is a limited time offer. Now or never.

And then, and then you, maybe you crawl in the backseat, and then the dress comes off. And then it becomes even harder to say no to. We're escalated. I kind of like that. All right. So, Rebecca, I think we're close. Will you tell us what you're going to do with Josh,

when you're going to do it, how you're going to do it, walk us through everything up to his decision point. All right. We're going for a drive. It's going to be night. Clear sky. Look at the moon. Look at the stars.

You're like, oh, we should pull over here. This is a great view. Pull over. Just admire it for a bit. Listen to our music. What music you play? Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. What music you play? Everything means to be playing. I'm putting on Noon Con for sure. Okay. Great. Yeah. We're back in, okay. It's main, you know.

Great. Back to you. Keep going. All right, yeah. We got the music on. Then slow reach over, getting a little touchy-feely, making out a little, blaming his feet back. But Rebecca, let's imagine now what reality is, and that is his noodle's still a little bit overcooked. A little bit too much water in there. It's been in the water too long. It's been expanding, but none of the good way.

you're kind of like it's a tutsy-year-old's gummy it's a little bigger than it was I guess but so you're in that moment because that's where we've been before correct

I mean I've never it's never done to pull over intentional it's been like while we're driving but if we're there and that happens do not quit because we have our next move so then keep going no one thing about me

I'm not going to give up I love it I actually have before Not now. Not now. Not now. One thing about me? I believe this.

I'm not going to give up. I do give up in the field of. I have before. I have before, but I won't have now. That's why she called. I love it, Rebecca. Okay. Accountability.

You're reaching over. Things are getting a little hot. Things are going. Now what happens? Yeah. Things are escalating as things are growing in a good way. I crawl my ass back to the back seat. I like it.

I like it. It does feel a little bit like somebody's aunt. Yeah. I crawl my ass. No, I liked it. I got my ass. I crawl my ass. I crawl my ass.

I call my badass. I want her to say bad ass. I crawl my badass. You crawled in the backseat. And then what happens? And then I'm naked. I say it's now or never. Wait, no.

That's too, it's a vibe killer, I think. I know, but that's why I wanted to ask you. It's now or never. He said it was a, what did you say, a limited time offer? No, I would say, so you're in the back, Let's stay in the fun, flirty vibe, right? Mm-hmm. And then if he goes, what do you do and say, come back here?

If he says, let's get home in a flirty way, say, this is a limited time offer. Mm-mm. Okay. Come on. And then go, and then he goes, let's just go home. You go, at home, the offer is off the table. He's going to take the deal. All right.

Absolutely. Yeah, because give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he is a little freaked out. He's scared someone's going to see him. He's like, you know. He's not very voyeuristic. Okay. But so then if now that you've got him to the point where he wants to, he's physically into it, he does not get it at home, things are going to change. Will you call us back while it's happening?

If it's a no, will you give us a quick voice note afterwards right in front of him? Because I want the real Rebecca tone. And then will you call us back no matter what? Yeah, while I'm naked in the back seat, I'll be sure to send a voice note saying. Tell him why you won't. By the way, honestly, if he says no, please. Yes. And have him say, why not?

It'll help a lot. Josh, explain yourself. Tits out, ass out. Josh, explain yourself. My big ass is in the backseat. I called my fat ass to the backseat. Explain yourself to the gentleman you don't know. Rebecca, I think you're a winner.

I think this is going to work. I need you to follow. follow up with us. Yeah. I like your footspah. We'll do. All right. Thank you for the call.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thanks for the help. And we were brought to you by Quince. Oh, the joys of Quince. Ah, quince makes summer better. One thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed.

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We let you in. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash here to help for free shipping and 3-6. 65-day returns, quince.com slash here to help. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. You know what Squarespace is, and so do you. It's where you can build a website. You want to see how it works?

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use offer code Gil Sent Me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hello. Hello. Hi, how are you? Well, awesome. I'm welcome. Yeah.

Good. Can we get your name, please? Yeah. My name is Pilo. Where are you calling from, Caleb? I'm calling from Cortez, Colorado. Colorado, beautiful. Okay, awesome.

All right. Well, you've got me, Caleb, and you've got our guest helper, truly one of the, I would say probably the best improviser I've ever worked with in my life. And his career shows it, that's true.

His career shows it. I mean, the dude is in everything. Just killer. Ryan Gall, just come and truly one of the funniest guys. You used to get drunk and go to a fat burger together all the time, but that's not what this is about. But Ryan and I are going to

help you here, Caleb. So what is going on? can we help you with? All right. So a little backstory. I have always been a big dude. Specifically, my feet have always been extremely big. Congrats. Hey, Ryan, congrats.

We know. I know what that means. Way to go, buddy. Happy for you. Keep going. That's one of the things that I always get from people is, you know what they say about guys with big feet? And my answer is always big socks.

but also cox yeah but well you know socks and cox uh all right keep going um

like when I was 12 years old I passed down my size 12 hunting boots to my dad that was weird you're like how tall are you big six

that's nice what are we weighing in it yeah um I'm a little over 400 pounds I'm a big boy you're a big guy And your shoe, what size shoe are you rocking now?

That's the thing. Size 18 quadruple E. What does that even mean? I didn't know we had bra sizes for our shoes. Yeah, it's a width. It's a whid thing because I have giant hobbit feet. Oh, my God. You know what they say about the width of your foot, Garon?

That one I don't know. White socks. Yeah, there it is. I take back when I said at the beginning of this call. Okay, so you're rocking an 18 triple E. All right, keep going, Caleb. Yeah, and so my whole freaking life, I've been here. Anytime my shoe size gets brought up in any conversation,

it's always the same shit. Like, oh, you have clown shoes. Can you go skiing in those things? You don't even need snow shoes when you go. At one point, I was working at a shoe store and I was helping this woman's kid with his shoes. And she, without asking, or as she was asking, goes, hey, can I take a picture of your feet and then took a picture of my feet? I didn't even get paid for that. Like, that's ridiculous.

I also think the, listen, that whole thing's ridiculous. The idea that you think you're doing a foot cameo also a little shocking. But you worked at a shoe store with a size 8. 18. And you're kind of asking for it a little bit. I hate to be the guy who's like, no, absolutely. Walk around in that thing. You know it's coming. No, and I don't mind it. The problem is, I never have a good comeback for that, for any of this, any of this stuff. And I just, I need a good, a good comeback for when people comment on the size of my feet. So the, the problem, Caleb, as well, bottom line by you just know, is when people talk about

talk about the size of your feet, you want something quick to say back about it. Yeah, exactly. You want a good line. Yeah, and I'm a bit guy. I love doing bits. And so if I just have a thing that I can answer back with, that'd be great because I never have anything worthwhile. Okay.

I mean, Ryan, he's asking, he wants a quickie. Now, go ahead, Ryan. I was going to ask, do you want, because there's a couple of, you know, when people have, uh, comebacks, sometimes they can be aggressive and like, like, get out of my face with that comment. Like, are you offended by the comments on your feet? Or do you want something clever and kind of, uh, you know, something a little more, uh, just funny, you know? Yeah, for example, you can say like, yeah, that's what I was going to, I, that's what I kind of assume. You don't want to say like, hey, damn, those feet.

You weren't there. Yeah. Wait till you see it up your asshole. Yeah. You want to have a charming, you want to be memorable for your response to your feet, not your feet. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I'm out, just because I think I'll give you a second to formulate something here, Ryan, and maybe this spurned something. Now, have you ever heard the Steve. Martin thing, Ryan? I've heard jokes by Steve Martin. Great. That's not what I'm talking about. But you know when people ask Steve Martin for an autograph, what he does? No, what's he say?

He hands them a business card that says, I met Steve Martin. Oh, I know where you're going with this, and this is already great. You don't even need to have the gun at your hip answer. You just have a little business card that you hand them with something on it. Now, I don't have what that is yet. I got something. Let's go. So you kind of do a trading card, a baseball card,

with a maybe a picture of a, not your foot, because people are going to go a different direction with that. You could do your foot in a shoe or a boot or a sneaker or something on the front. And on the back, it's a kind of a list of facts about your foot. You know, the size, the fact that you, You traded your 12, or you gave your 12s in eighth grade to your father. You know, and we'd come up with a list of, you know, the actual weight, the weight of the foot. I really like this.

I like the idea, okay, I like the idea that you have a little card that when people comment, you give them a card that doesn't even need to have a picture. It's just a breakdown of all the, it's almost like your foot's resume. It's the backside of a baseball card except for your foot. Yeah, it's your, it's like, yeah, it's your Hall of Fame foot. It's your Hall of Fame foot. That's really funny. I would legitimately laugh at that if somebody handed me a card about their foot. Before we get your full response on this, Caleb, so your foot is size 18,

triple E width, any other staff? Quadruple, actually. Quadruple E. Any other stats on it? Have you ever, what's like the funniest thing that's happened because of your foot? Have you ever ripped through a pair of shoes? Do you have bunions? Are there any things like that?

Gosh. Are you good at soccer? I mean, no, actually. It's really hard to maneuver with giant feet. You could also make up a few things. That's fine. You could put, like, scent or smell and put something like it smells like... You could put scent, not sure, can't get close.

You know, unknown at this time. You could say part Hobbit. Part Hobbit. Part Hobbit. You could say, I mean, what do we think? I mean, we could just... Special talent. It could be, like, kicking ass.

You know, I think, you know, you know, you know, You could also, like, if you had enough of these cards, you could switch it up on some of these. And we could give the foot a nickname. Oh, yeah, nickname. You know, something like that. Nicknamed Caleb's foot nickname. Instead of Bigfoot, he's just like pork shoe, something like that. Something with a Hobbit.

You could also put, like, quote, like no... foot like that in my army, Colin Powell. Like it was like instead of bone spurs, you just had, your foot was too big for the army or something like that. The nickname could also just be, it'd be fun to just nickname your foot, Gary. Or like Jonathan. Yeah, like something very boring. Or even old kicky or something like that.

Old kicky. Where are you from originally? Caleb? I've lived in Colorado pretty much my whole life. What's the name of your city again? Cortez. It's southwest Colorado.

Okay, we could say top five biggest foot in Cortez history. Yeah. Wait. Yeah, wait. I mean, what is it? 10 pounds? I mean, what a

12 pounds? No, I think it's probably got to be, it's got to be like 8 to 8% of your body weight. Do the math. Where are we at, Ryan? Hold on. We're talking about 30 to 8 pounds. Okay.

Is that right? Oh, like we could say over 25 pounds. Okay, so, so here's roughly, Caleb, here's what we're pitching. And you just hear some of these. Favorite food? Oh, favorite food. Oh, that's great.

It's got to be pudding. Oh, pudding. Chocolate, butterscote pudding. I'm trying to think of a pun, and it's alluding me. Tofu, T-O-E. Tofu. Uh-huh. That's real funny.

Okay. All right, Caleb. Here's the pitch. And we've not even gotten your reaction because I want to give you the full shark tank of it. So, oh, that's a huge foot. If you had that foot your whole life? Hey, there you go. Hand him a business card.

It says, Caleb, whatever, top five biggest foot in Cortez's history. Size 18, width quadruple E, part hobbit. Not in my army, Colin Powell, when he saw my foot. Favorite food, tofu, weighing in at 25 pounds. And you hand them this, something like that. they have a keepsake and you seem like a goddamn foot legend. That's pretty good. What do you think,

I like that. I really like that. Because then, I mean, it's just quick. It's like, there you go. That's it.

You don't need conversation. Even if you're having an off day, you have the cards with you. Yeah. No, I think that's great. It kind of takes the pressure off to say something funny in the moment, too, because as soon as somebody is like,

Like, whoa, that's a big foot. You just, before you say anything, you just pull that out and hand it to them and say, there you go. And maybe on the front of it, it says, I don't know, Caleb's, could you put something on the other side, Garrett, that says Caleb's foot. Yeah. Frequently asked questions, FAQs or something. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. What's it like when you fly? Caleb. It must be, is it a pain? It must be horrible. Do you have to fly like in a special seat because of your leg?

I mean, the size of your feet, is there anything like that we could, we could get something out of? Super duper honesty time. I haven't flown since I was like seven years old. So I don't know. I think that can go on the back.

Haven't been on a plane since seven because of these bad boys. I mean, that's, that's perfect. All right. So, so this is what you would do.

do. You're going to go on to one of these places where you make your own business card. You're going to put maybe a picture in the shoe on the front and on the back. Let's just hit them with some of these stats. Now, are there any, if you were to pick from the things we talked about, what are the things you think you want to hit? Um, buys, wins. Um, I, um, I, I do like part Hobbit. That's a good one. I like the idea of a nickname as well. And then like favorite food, tofu.

I think that's a solid, that's a solid fun. Okay. So right in the center there, we can hit them with these stats. The stats are going to be size 18 with quadrupley, part Hobbit favorite food tofu and then maybe something like nickname Old Kiki

or Babyfoot Or yeah You know like in the mafia it's always the opposite of You know Big Tall guys are called shorty Yeah Yeah so maybe it's something like

Baby Toe or baby footer Nickname Tiny Tiny. Tiny. Tiny buddy boy. You just nailed it. Yes. Tiny tutsies. And I think we put on the front a picture of you just with your foot with a shoe and a sock on. You know? Now, yeah. Okay. So, Caleb, are you going to do this? Are you going, because you can go design these very easily?

You don't need the picture of your foot on the front. But I do think something on the front like Ryan's saying, you know, could even say your name. Caleb, the guy with the big foot, whatever your last name is, and then on the back we hit him with the stats. Are you going to do this? Oh, absolutely. Okay. Ryan, thoughts?

You were going to say something. I was just saying, is there anything about adding in the quote of, you know what they say about a guy with a big foot or some, is that like a quote underneath on the front or maybe it's something on the back? I like it, but the thing is, I think we're doing this to get away from that. Yeah. So let's make it a unique experience. I can't stop thinking about it.

About what? I just can't stop thinking about 18. What, the size of his penis? Is that what you're saying? I can't stop thinking about it. Ryan, Ryan, right. I'm going to need, we're at the end of his call. Quadruple E.

Yeah, buddy, buddy, buddy. It's got to be a guy. It's got to be a Maconda. Ryan, Ryan. Yeah, come on now. We're at the end of this. It's not jealousy, by the way. It's, I don't know what it is.

It's, it's, it's, it's, remember, we're, we, we got through the whole thing without really. I'm back. I'm back. Okay. Okay. All right, Caleb. So, um, first of all, we're all very impressed. But, uh, what, what I think we would love is, I would love to see, when you got it made,

get it made. You know what I would also do? I would get a bunch of them printed. I would go bulk. And I would get a little business card holder and walk around with that. That's now your keys, your wallet, and that thing. And you're just ready to go whenever it happens.

I love it. Because you're owning it, Caleb. When you do this, you own it. You're not trying to distract with a little joke or a pun. You're actually pulling a card out and going like, yeah. And remember, and I think part of this also is that when this happens, don't flinch.

Don't go, oh, you know, I actually have a little card made up for a second. No. The thing is, whoa, that's a big foot.

Not even a word. Take out your little thing, fink, hand it to him. There you go. That card is doing, like real smooth. The card's doing the lifting for you.

That's the whole point here. Yeah. So, so someone goes, whoa, big foot, huh? That must be weird.

You just look at them, smile, go to your pocket, take the business card out, hand it to him. There you go. I like it. I like it a lot. Well, Caleb, I think we feel pretty good about it. Now, go design this. There's multiple places you can go since none of them are a sponsor. I think I'm going to refrain from recommendations with their places.

Make it, print it, get the card holder. And then when you're ready, send that into the show. And then after you've done a couple months of this, this, it'd be nice to have a follow-up where you kind of tell us how it's going, what the reaction is. But I think this takes you from uncomfortable to legend, and I think that's pretty good. Great, yeah. And remember, Tofur is T-O-E-F-U, or To-F-U-E-F-U.

T-O-E-E. Yeah. The Toe's got to be in there. To-Ferke is kind of... To-Ferkey's not bad either. It's not bad either. All right, Caleb. Feel good?

Yeah, this is great. Thanks, guys. All right, buddy. Go get them and keep us posted. Thanks, Caleb. We'll do. Thank you. Thank you.

Congratulations on my penis. Take care, buddy. Thanks again. Now I'm thinking about it again. Ryan. I can't stop. Caleb, hang up. Hurry.

Take a guess. I'm working on it. Triple E. Quadruvily. Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu. Yep. We are also having our back catalog is going to be on Hulu. We're going to be about 20 at a time.

So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu. Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies? No, and you can get season one, season two. We're going to have a nice melange on Hulu, but the day early. I mean, there's a lot of advantages. Here's another thing. People going, well, I don't have Hulu. You got YouTube?

Because we're there, too. Yeah. Hulu a day early. YouTube for stragglers. And also, you go, I don't have that. Well, we got Patreon. Yeah. And they go, I don't have that.

What do you want? Yeah, okay, Jake. We're trying to be inclusive and you're yelling at them. But I think you're right. It's just, look. Watch this show anywhere. There's a lot of. options.

Okay. Hulu's early. Hulu's early. Audio day of, YouTube day of, Patreon, no ads. Here's the way to remember it. Hulu, new, so Nulu. It's not the way to remember. They also have back catalog stuff.

Okay, then that we call... Yeah, all right, it's falling apart. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson. and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at Helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler.

The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James. James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hit gum podcast. Hey, everyone. This is Whitney. And the Lexong.

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