We're Here to Help - 310: Occasionally Fartzan & Ripoff Artist

Episode Date: July 27, 2026

Jake and Gareth help a caller fart in front of her husband. Then, they get a pro wrestling ref back in the ring. Plus, the unexpected to conclusion to Ep 229 "Muffin Beef."Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Update us. Because Kat Reitman, by the way, people should check out, Kat Reitman. By the way, people should check out Kat and I are. you know, doing some Fridays every now and then. People are loving it, Gareth. But she said on a group text yesterday, you were her algorithm.

I wouldn't go that far, but, I mean, you were out there. I did an old school press tour for the dink. Apples, no joke. They really, I thought these kind of press tours were done. I was like, you did everything. I was pushing. And I got to say, a lot of chatter about our podcast. Now, we'll get to that.

And it's spread in GR. Let me say, and I mean this. Okay. As someone who has wanted to be in entertainment, his entire life, grew up watching talk shows, evaluating the performance of the person on the talk show. Same. You're very good at it. Thanks, pal.

I told you, but Pam and I watched the Seth Myers one on a loop. We watched your daily show. We watched your Today's show. No, you have been, you've been into it. Stalking. But you didn't keep repeating shit. No, I'm trying to make new stuff up. And you were great and self-deprecating, very, all that stuff.

But also, I haven't talked to you a lot about the dink. It made me be like, I really want to see the dink. No way. Okay, good. Totally. But I'll tell you what I did do. Okay. And this is something I'm proud of.

All right, talk to me. Our enemy, as a community. We have one enemy. It's Lamarne Morris. His little show that I believe is off the airwaves. You were cleaning up some messes out there for sure. The morning after podcast. We're now LaMourning.

It's lost. Us and nobody else. Okay, here you're going. Well, he went out of depressed and he kind of dropped landmines. Yeah, yeah, he dropped landmines around. And going so much harder than I. I was going. Well, he said that you weren't doing the new girl reunion, doing new girl reunion. Because first of all, I was, you hate the fans. Well, I was, I had said that about him first.

And then, but he said, because I'm a street corner flasher. Well, he also said you're having, today's show. He also said you're having an affair with J-Lo. And he did that on multiple ones. Yeah. Then he said on a real interview, I think it was for people. Jake Johnson claims to have had an affair with Jennifer Lopez, and he's got photos, and when he shows me, it's just nudes of himself. So I'm like,

you are the dumbest person on planet Earth. I was not planning on using this press tour for him. The Today Show, you don't do any pre-interview. So I don't know what they're going to be talking about. And it's morning, so I'm trying to be, you know, as respectful to the format as possible. I was actually there.

Check out TMZ. There was an intruder who broke in and went after Al Roker and Craig, the host, subdued him. I saw the whole thing. What? Craig's a beast. By the way, Craig's the real dude, man.

Wow. Craig could have kicked his ass. I heard it first, I heard like, Hey, hey, what are you doing? You can go to you. And I thought, ooh, someone's about to get their ass kicked. And then I looked up and it was Today's show, Craig. And what I really thought was, don't let these cameras fool people.

Yeah. Well, let's be honest, though. Roker sat there. Craig. Roker wasn't, Craig protected Roker. Roker wasn't even near it. He never even got close to AR. But so I am about to go on and one of the segment producers said, don't bring it up.

And I was like, oh, man, you just, for me? Oh, killing me. You're killing me. I want to fucking talk about Craig being a hero, not all heroes wear capes forever. Yeah. So we're doing the interviewer, tug and pickleball. It's all fine.

It's fun. Then they go, do you mind if we show you a little something from Lamarne? And they, while I'm on the Today Show, I have to watch clips of Lamarne talking trash. Yes. With a straight face, like you said. He sells it pretty well. He's not like being affable.

He's like, I'm upset about it. He hates the fans. I will say, and our community knows this, but this is becoming my favorite running bit that maybe I've ever been a part of. We are doing these stupid jokes on real press. Oh, yeah. I was at Today's show. There was a group of people watching.

I'm yelling about how Lamorne Morris has three kidneys and won't donate them. And I'm like, it finished it. And I'm like, me and this fool are getting lost in the sauce. Not for those of us who've been in on the whole thing. We are... It's like the ear... It's like, you know, Jason Kidd used to, like, wipe his chin

every three throw for his kid. Exactly right. We see you, Jake. For our show, for the morning after, for this podcast universe that he and I are intertwined. And I was like, our bit is getting out of control.

Well, let... I want to hear any more you have to say, but I will say, like I said, Pam and I watched everything. That's fun. And I did, um, yesterday secretly record her

and I'm not trying to do this regularly but I did get a recording of her opinion because she was talking earnestly and I was like I got to restart this and start recording so this is but you think Jake's good at the press I think he's very good

yeah did he have a haircut did he have a haircut yeah he had a haircut you think I thought his hair looked nice I like his sideboards they were nice his sideboards

yeah you know those things that you men have yeah And they were nicely shaped in the beginning, what's extreme. And you think he's handsome, you think he's very handsome. You think Jake's handsome? I think Jake's a handsome chap, yeah.

Very handsome. I would say, very handsome, yes. You did see on there how he said he was, he makes fun of his body and stuff. Yes, but I think. Is that just endearing really? Because he's handsome and he pretends he's not handsome? Well, I think he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's

funny and had some detracts from anything else. And he's sitting down. You can't see. So his body's hidden a little bit. And he isn't anyway. I don't think he is. I'm recording this. What?

I'm recording this. We're going to plan on, we need it for an intro tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah, but that's good. Yeah. You know what he said the other day on air. What?

He wants to sleep with you. Garrett. Well, he, I think he would. What did she say at the end? She could, I stopped it because I was like, what am I doing here? But she basically was like, oh, but he wouldn't like it's at the end of the day. Hey, Pam, don't tell a dog what he wants in his bowl. Okay, dokey.

We're done here. Everybody enjoy. Let me say quickly, my movie, July 28th, North Hollywood, and it's going on tour across the country, like 12 cities. Guys do not miss this. Give ItUpfilm.com. Jake's in it. Give ItUpfilm.com from my website, Gareth Reynolds.com. And without further advertisement.

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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com. slash here to help for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash here to help. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. You know what Squarespace is and so do you. It's where you can build a website. You want to see how it works? Go to garethreth Reynolds.com. I love Gareth, but he is not a technically sound individual and he built that website himself. They really are the best. They make you stand out. Your website looks professional. And there's all these things. they can help you with. They can help you with the SEO tools. Your cutting edge design, your domains, your donations, your videos, you know, whatever it is. That is really Squarespace is there for you.

They make you look the part. And again, it's easy. Nobody's going to go to your Squarespace website and be like, boy, this guy mailed it in. I've worked with Squarespace for a long time. Every website I am associated with, which is quite a few of them, completely Squarespace only. I'm a Squarespace only fellow. What can I say? So go to Squarespace.com slash Gil sent me for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hello. Hi.

How are you? I am great. How are you? Good. Can we get your name, please? My name is Sam. Sam, where are you calling from? I am calling from Stevens Point, Wisconsin.

Wow. Do you know where that is, Gareth? I sure do. Jump in, Jack, Gareth, this is your intro. I mean, Stephen's Point is, it's Stephen's Point, as we call it. What's the biggest city that's close to? It's north of Milwaukee. Yeah, Lassa, I guess, but that's not even that big of the city.

No, it's not, but I know what you're talking about. What do you do out there, Sam? Drink, obviously, I'm from Wisconsin. No, I'm just kidding. I am, I'm an underwriter in an insurance. underwriter. Sure. No wonder you drink.

What are you drinking? I'm a big fan of like a sour beer. Ugh. No judgment, but yuck. Sam, do you go, you hang out at the bar a lot? It's pure judgment.

Pure judgment. Sam, you hang out at the bar a lot? Are you like kicking it in the bar? Not really, no. No, you're not. No, I'm getting pretty old now and like to be at home. How old are you roughly?

36. I'm 33. Oh, God, it's not. Even worse. Fuck me. When I go to Milwaukee, boy, am I hanging out at the bar. And when you hear 33, the first thing I wouldn't say is fuck me.

Sam, go ahead. If I was in the bars. 33, fuck me. Just please start talking about it. Sam, what's your issue today? Okay, so my issue is, I have been with my husband for 10 years. we've been married for four and he still will not fart in front of me

Oh you've been with your husband 10 years Married for four he won't fart in front of you Do you fart in front of him? No, because I feel like he should be the first one to fart, right? So this is really a call about you You want to open it up Well, we got to get to those questions I think you're right

Sam keep going He can fart in front of me so that I can Yeah, she says that he won't fart in front of me because he's too much of a gentleman to do so. Let me ask you a question, Sam. Why do you want to open this Pandora's box? Because, like, sometimes you just have to fart, and I don't want to be the first one to do it.

And, like, I'm not trying to, you know, fart in front of him constantly and be thinking up our host constantly. But sometimes you just get a little gassy and you want to be able to fart. Just want to remind you this of Wisconsin. Not have to leave the room or anything. And so here's my question for the last, decade.

What happens when you need to pass gas, Sam? Let's say you're sitting on television, watching your favorite show, your favorite movie, you feel one coming? What do you do, Sam? Well, I've gotten pretty good at knowing when they're going to be quiet enough to do it. Otherwise, I have blamed it on our dogs on occasion. So the classics. So you are cutting and then dog blaming.

Yeah. And how about him? Yeah. I have no idea. I don't. Crazy. He doesn't like. There's never like a fart in the middle of the night or in bed.

Those don't count. I mean, I've, I've heard him. Yeah, exactly. That doesn't count. I have heard him fart in the middle of the night or like, you know, if he's in the bathroom and I'm in the next room, you know, I can hear it then. But that doesn't count. And so walk me through this, Sam, because before I can pitch, I'm just trying to understand where you're at. what would you ideally like to happen?

You would like to be sitting on the couch and get him to fart in front of you so that you can occasionally fart and just take away, like you want to just break the seal. Exactly, break the seal. All right, Gareth, where are you on this one? Well, it's tough.

This is a tough one. Obviously, we've got to come up with some way. I have a couple ideas. Sam, have you ever, like, talk to him openly? I'm not going to pitch that, but I'm just curious when approached what his reaction is. What his fear is? No fear.

Just doesn't want to do that. Just unlike him, which I get. Yeah. He's a gentleman. He's too much of a gentleman. Yeah. And a gentleman does not fart in front of a lady. Yeah.

Apparently. Apparently. I'm going to, My first instinct is that Sam pitches him on a weekly fart cap. Just because maybe his thinking is this is going to get out of control. And so maybe you say we're allowed one a day in the open. And you sort of like you start there. And my other version is crazy.

I have two ways we could slice it, and I don't want to go to the zombie bank. But if you let him know that you've acquired new information, either about you specifically or from society at large, that holding it in is pretty damaging. And you might feel affected by it. You're talking pigling him up, babe. Don't just jump in so hard, but I am. there is a part of me

I'm talking piglema, babe I don't want to But they're dead But they're dead babe Sam I We're not We can't go pig limo

I know you're dying to do it But they're dead But Sam Let me Throw something And audit you Another direction

Why don't you Fart in front of him Just fart in front of him First While making direct eye contact And so Like a third dominance?

Yes. That's exactly right. Call him a bitch. Say, do one back, you little bitch boy. Fart and look at him and go like this. You've been challenged to take your little white gloves off,

you gentlemen. It's time to enter the animal kingdom. Are you a man or not? You got to do? You got to wink at him after and say, you in the jungle, baby. Yeah, you in the jungle and go, you are a little gentleman in the,

the jungle, but I'm a wild animal. Direct eye contact, wink, and go, and I don't think you got the stones to do it back. You got to go hide in a little box, you baby boy. Because right now he thinks he's being a gentleman,

but you got to let him know. Scale of one to ten, how serious are you right now? I started at a two and now I'm at a six and a half seven. That's basically what just happened to me. I started let's have a laugh. And now I'm kind of like,

why not, this actually might work. Just fucking hit a homer. I started with, I don't know. And now honestly, Gareth, I think direct eye contact.

You changed, you changed the dynamic from a gentleman and a lady sipping tea with white gloves on to two of animals in the jungle. And then guess what? Here's what you got to do after the farts. Animal sex.

Okay. And then he goes, He goes, he goes, because the reason you don't want to fart in somebody is you don't want to take away that romantic spark and just be like two friends sitting in a room being like, well, I think it's from something I drink. Like if you're sitting with a buddy watching a game and you're eating and they burp, it's so disgusting that you're like, the idea of me having to be in bed with you intimately, you're disgusting. Now, we all know our lovers do that. We're humans. We're the human animal. But we want to pretend we don't.

So if you're training him that you don't know why, but him opening up in this way has allowed you to unleash a new version of animalistic intimacies, I think we're entering a world here saying that we're taking you guys from Wisconsin and dropping you off deep in the outback or the rainforest here in the jungle. That's certainly. Yeah. Sam, where are you at? We've given you some ideas.

We need you to talk a little bit. I like them. I'm just worried. I'm not sure that it's, you know, just that he's worried about losing the romantic spark because we've been together forever and we've done other gross things. Like last year he had a really bad foot injury because I dropped a fridge on his foot. And I had to like change all the bandages every day. And that was like really gross.

And so, like, I think we're well past the, you know, honeymoon, everything is beautiful, phase. But I do like the idea of staring him directly in the eye, winking and then maybe rewarding him afterwards. And then saying, when you do it back, I'll reward you. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. And then, you know what I would also do, Sam? I would challenge him, this is going to be so hard.

But this will break it. To when he farts, you're asking him to make eye contact with you and wink after just like you did. And I'm going to tell you why it's going to be so embarrassing. If that happens once, you guys are in a whole new territory. Because I don't know if I could pull that off. Yeah. You've made a hut in the jungle. You ain't going anywhere.

You're Tarzans. You're Fartzan. That's our house now. Yeah. Do anybody who likes Fartzans, we just have different points of view. I didn't like it and I said it. Don't put that. Don't put that on the top 10 acting like that.

I am. I am. No. Not, listen. Listen, listen, listen,

pal. Not everything's a single. Some stuff's for the album. You, who is your response won the moment? I'm backing off. Okay. You instantly turning on it and turned me into a puddle of action.

I have no response. Like, the time in between is nanoseconds. So they come out. Now, it's very much like a fart. I let it rip and I go, I don't know what it's going to be like. By the way, you are right. Thank you.

You know what? Here's the truth, Sam. I really do believe in this direct eye contact and a wink thing. And after you do it, he's going to be floored and go, I'm asking you to do it back. And I want you to think of fart, Zan. Okay. And then he goes, what do you do it? And you go, it's called Fartzan.

It's like Tarzanba for farts. You're supposed to make eye contact with your lover and fart and wink. And if they respond and do it the same way, you have a more intimate relationship. So I'm playing Farts fan with you. Yeah, and I'll only bring us closer. I'm asking you to play it back. Can I add, I think we're in a very good spot.

And there is going to be a little more to talk about after this. But I could also see a fart, a wink, and an I love you. And then the explanation. Walk us through that with sound effects, Gareth. Okay, so we're on the couch. We're watching something. And then it's hold his hand before you do it. Look into his eyes.

He'll kind of be like, what's going on? Let it rip. I love you. Your thoughts, Sam. I like that. And I do think that, you know, kind of challenging him will play well with his personality he's kind of competitive like that so maybe that'll help so then sam the other thing in terms of the competition is you could say one of the things with fart san is that you both like an

Olympic diver have to judge the fart after and see who won sound consistency levels of moisture and smell are all categories I'm going to jump in quickly. I think we're pushing it. Okay. I think we can get there. Too far. But we don't need to the judge.

Okay. We don't. I think, listen. Okay. This is a baby boy. I agree. This is a baby boy right now. This is a baby boy in the jungle.

There's a lot coming at him. All right. And we don't want to hand him the machete and say, go find supper. You agree. You don't want to go too far. You're totally right. I think we got to start. Listen, what I like about where we are is that it's a moment.

And this is a moment. big moment and you're taking his hand like you guys are going to jump off of a waterfall and you're hoping you survive and you take his hand you let it go with eye contact and you say i love you and the reason i'm pitching the i love you is because you are saying intimacy just jumped to its peak with us you'll see what he says and then i think you'll say look i don't want to go crazy but i think that's okay every now and then. And I don't think Jake's wrong in the sense that you, that later that night, after the dust settles, you maybe seal the deal with sex because you're showing, hey, we're still hot,

we're still into this. That happened. It's over. Occasionally farts in. So, Sam, tell us what you're going to do. I really do like the staring into his eyes and just farting and telling him that now it's his turn to reciprocate or try to beat it. Will you please?

Jake, I've been thinking about this moment. Allow me to just please. Sam, here's what we need from you. And again, we're not trying to, this is a big moment for your relationship. And God bless, we love it. And the fact that you're into it is great. This is great.

And I think it really is it's a ripping off of the Band-Aid, if possible. You're going to know the night you're probably going to want to do this. You're going to feel it. You're going to know. You're going to go, I'm going to do this soon. I'm going to do this experiment about two minutes. So what we would love is for you, and again, you don't need to hit record,

because that's what I'm going to ask on an audio file. You don't need to hit record right before, but if you're two, three minutes before you think this event is about to happen, we have editors. We can edit. This is fine. Voice note. Just hit record on a voice memo on your phone.

Please. Place it on the side close to where you are, Hold it in your hand. Or hold it in your hand. But don't let him see. And then I want you to do it. And before you do it, you have to say his name. So you got to pretend his, what's his name?

Chris. So a long silence in the background will hear the TV shows. You're like, but I want to hear. Chris? He goes, yeah. Your turn. I love you. I don't think she's doing the I love you.

She didn't bring that up. Sammy, out on the I love you. It's no pressure. I'll see it in the moment if it feels right. I don't want to. I respect the hell out of that. Love it. So, Sam, will you do this tonight?

I will try to do it tonight. Go get Taco Bell and you can promise. I can't guarantee them and I have a good enough one, you know. I will do it. If it's a quiet one? Okay. In the next week is incredible. Okay.

You know when it's coming. Yeah. Sam? Thank you. Sam, please do this. And please, Sam,

please keep us posting. Sam, we love you. I will do my absolute best. Sam, take jokes hand. We love you. I like you too.

Sam, we love you. Yeah. Love you. We love you. I love you. Okay, I like you too.

Don't you know, Sam, Sam, Sam. Sam. We love you. Say it bad. I love you too. All right. We'll talk to you soon.

All right. Bye, Sting. Thank you. Okay, bye. Hello. Hey, how you doing? Good. How are you?

I am good. Before we start, really quick question, we're talking Natalie again, which she's going to love. Okay. Jesse, please don't let her cut this. Do you feel like when you get on a Zoom and if you haven't seen somebody else, you have to start with the hellos? or can you just get right to the meat and potatoes of what you're talking about? You've got to start with the hellos.

Where are you from, pal? Hold on, Natalie. Natalie, your thoughts. You don't need hellos with these two. Maybe other people. So you do do with other people? Other podcasts? I bet you she does.

We have a special relationship. Doesn't that make you feel nice? Natalie. Now, Natalie, are you framing the no-hellows as a, there's a level of comfort. You respect us so much. Yeah. I don't know.

All right. Can we hit your name, please? So you know what that was the equivalent of? That was the equivalent of me putting my chin out and pointing to it. I agree. Can we get your name, please? Sure. My name is Dan.

Dan, where are you calling from? I am calling from Buffalo, New York. Buffalo. You a big, a Bill's fan? Yeah, very big Bill's fan. what do you think about DJ more coming to your wonderful city any kind of weapon we can get Josh Allen is great he's not in his prime exactly but I will still take any kind of weapon

he is so good and I think you're going to love him uh Dan from Buffalo what can we do for you today so I moonlight on the weekend as a pro wrestling referee and in pro yeah it is cool in pro wrestling there are certain rules and like unspoken like just what's what I'm thinking of

when you like go someplace you have to follow these customs and it's got its own like Unwritten rules Yeah exactly Unwritten rules thank you And I broke one of these And I'm trying to fix it

Please give us some examples Of what the rules are And then tell us what the rule you broke is And tell us what happened Gotcha So some great rules, you shake hands with everybody there when you arrive. So every wrestler, every grass production, you go around and you say hi to everybody just as a form of respect. By the way, interesting to how we started this call that that's the first rule.

You greet people when you're about to work with them? As a show of respect. As a sign of respect to them. Interesting. Yeah, you say hi and hello. Say hi, how are you? Yeah. Isn't it weird how this show works sometimes?

Yeah. It's like it's written. All right, Dan, keep going. Some other rules, you know, you don't steal other people's moves for having a match. So if you're on a show and somebody's finisher is a stone cold stunner, you don't throw one of those in your match. You leave it for that guy who uses that as like his final move. And then the rule that I broke, unfortunately, is you don't mess with anybody's cash.

So this promoter in the area, he has a school, his name is Mikey. He's a great guy. He is, was running a show in October of last year. And I went to the show as a ref. I brought my two boys with me, 11 and 8. And so they were hanging out in the seats. And I was talking with Mikey and working with him and got my match assignments, everything he needed to do. And at the end of the show, he comes to me and says, how much do I owe you? I say, no, we're good. My kids sat in for free today. And that was a big mistake because, he doesn't let people sit for free. I was not thinking because I worked with another promotion that's always like, yeah, your kids can come and hang out and whatever. But this was a situation where Mikey doesn't allow that. So tickets are $12.5 apiece, so that's $50.

So basically I told him, like, you don't have to pay me. I already cost you $50. Interesting. And so I want to be able to give him that money back, maybe a little bit more. But I wanted to do it because it's pro wrestling. the way that would be fun and interesting and kind of over the top. Interesting.

Okay, but just a little bit of context for me. So when you said that, my kids were there, what was his response? He was kind of taken aback. He was like, oh, okay. And then I messaged him after to apologize and I have not heard from himself. Interesting. And this was last October. you've worked with him since then.

No. He has not messaged me. He has not hired me. He's done no sort of outreach to him. Damn it. Ooh. So you think you might have blown it. I think I might have blown it.

Damn it. And now this, you're saying you work with a couple of promoters. Is this affecting your bottom line overall because you don't have these gigs? No. No, this is, more of a hobby, so I'm not getting paid

a lot of money to do this. Great. It's just fun. Just having fun. But no, I work with promotions kind of through. I go to Syracuse. I go down to James Town. I go into Pennsylvania. I'm all over the place. Okay. Wow. This is interesting. Now, how many people

go to these sort of shows, Dan? Like, what's the rough attendance? Depends on the promoters. This guy, Mikey, will get probably about 150. The other promotion I work with will get probably about 500. Okay, so Mike, he's a little bit smaller.

You brought your kids. He was going to pay you. You were going to make around 50 bucks. And you said, hey, we're even. And you could tell he was like, what the fuck? And now you're looking for me to give him at least the 50 bucks back. Yes and no. I would only have been paid probably about $25 or $30 at most for the show.

So I really, what I should have done is bought my kids' tickets and then taking the paint. of whatever he gave me and just kind of ate the difference because my kids were enjoying the show. Or paid him out of something like the difference. And that's what I offered. I said, I'll gladly, you know, pay you the difference of whatever I owe you. I put that in my message and then I can left me on. What kind of relationship do you have with the wrestlers?

Are you, I know you say hi and stuff like that. Are you close? Yeah, we're all buddies, especially the reps. We're all good friends. And then Mikey's still putting on shows, obviously. you're just not going to those, but you know people who are, like you know wrestlers or refs

who are at those shows a little bit. Yes. Yeah, 100%. This one's tricky, Gareth. It's tricky, but you're basically, damn, what you're asking for is a interesting,

maybe wrestle-type way to give him the money. Yeah, at this point, I want to give him, you know, not just the 50, I want to give him like 70 to 75. I mean, I slated them. There's no two ways about it,

and I want to make that right. throwing a little extra on top would definitely help. Okay. Slight a hand magic, pretend it comes out of his ear. I'm going to go big. You're talking skills I don't have. Okay. Go ahead, Gareth.

This would be my pitch, and I don't want to leave you with a ton of homework, but it's kind of like what you're asking for is a little bit like we do need to pitch a little bit bigger. So this is what I would pitch. The next time Mikey's doing, and the promoters are, going to be at the events, obviously, right? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Okay, so next time you know that

Mikey is going to be holding a match, and you know not only some of the refs, but maybe one of the wrestlers, you set up a thing where you're going to tell a wrestler that when everyone's showing up there early, they're doing the greetings, the glad-handing, all that, you're going to show up, and you want this wrestler in the ring kind of warming up. And when you walk in, you walk in, you you want the wrestler to say, hey, get out of here. We don't want free loaders. And you say, I just want to talk to Mikey because of last year. And then the wrestler will get you in the ring, and you have a quick little fake

wrestle where the wrestler pins you, and then you take out your wallet and you give Mikey a hundred bucks. And you say, you're sorry, you know you fucked up. It won't happen again. But make it kind of like a spectacle and a wrestle event just for everyone. there. Okay, you're not fucking during a show. You're talking before the show. Pre-show. Pre-show. The show you're not booked on, obviously, because it's one of Mikey's. Right. He wouldn't expect me to show up.

So a wrestler has to do a fake wrestling match before the night just for the- Just put him in a hold or something a little bit more. Like, make it feel authentic for a minute. And then we- What's that? I can bump. I can fall over. I can, I can, I can, fall over. I can, I don't know those you were talking about. I didn't know the industry term. But Jake is, yeah, I'm sorry.

Jake doesn't love it. Well, I don't know. I mean, do you, it doesn't matter what I think. Dan, where are you thinking on this? So I don't hate it. The thing is nobody else really knows about it unless Mikey is telling people. Yeah, maybe it's a little too public for something small. Yeah.

All right, I got another pitch. Also, show days are very tough to kind of mess with because he has a lot going on. He's got a lot on. I think the last thing I would want to do if I was a promoter and a guy I thought ratted me out a little bit was all of a sudden like, check this performance out. And I'm like, what are you trying to be a wrestler? Here's another pitch.

Another pitch is get like some spandex, get yourself in an outfit, maybe with a cane, and you're going to, you're going to, huh? This is bad, Gary. You're going to call yourself the rip-off artist. And you're going to make a video. that you send to Mikey and you're going to do the old school Hulk into the camera. Hey, Mikey, this is it.

You know who I am. I'm Dan. I'm talking to you. But I'm actually the ripoff artist. Now I know you remember last October. I think this is bad again, Gary. I know it's fun. I'm going to stop you.

This is just for a bit now. Let both my children in. Stop. This is terrible. Rip Jr. and Rip Senior. But I think there's something that could be interesting, Dan. In terms of- Hold on.

When my kids came to Rip Jr., and Rip Senior? That's right, brother. Okay, just checking. Go ahead. And they're brothers. All right. Well, Dan, I'm going to you.

Do you, are you thinking about creating a character called Rip-Off Man? No, I'm not. I can say, what would, I, he has training sessions. I know, but you're a referee. You're not trying to be a wrestler. You're not looking for more attention. But you don't, do you, you don't want to be a wrestler, do you? No, I started training.

training as a wrestler about 10 years ago. Yeah, but you're just like refereeing and you want to get back to referee in, right? Yeah, I want to get back to refereeing specifically for him. Like I have my other. Yes, you just want to burn his bridge. You know what I would consider doing? Is sending him, first of all, rather than asking him, get his Venmo or PayPal and just send him $100 and say, sorry about that.

It'll never happen again. If I'm out, I'm out, but I would love to come back. and then go second, if you're at all interested, there could be a fun storyline to play with, similar to how like these things go, that in the middle of a match, you come out and hit me, you know, I can bump, we're not doing this, and we just set up this really small thing that I ripped off the production and you get your revenge and that welcomes me back in. If you wouldn't, don't want to make it a storyline, obviously we don't have to. Could be a really fun, short thing.

Either way, man, would love to get back to Ruffin for you guys, and we'll never do that again. Your thoughts on that? Is that still the same thing too close to what Gareth was saying, where it's more trouble than it's worth? No, I do like that. I like the idea of just kind of sending it to him, being like, hey, we can do something big within a show if you want to,

or you can just take the $100. But I would love to do something fun with this, because it was such a small misunderstanding. But I broke one of the cardinal rules, at which we both know, one, don't do two, three, mess with money. I didn't think I was, but I did. So it would be fun in a way to let the audience in on this backstory

is to create something where we reveal that a cardinal rule was broken by a ref. And I've been given a second chance after to the way that Vince McMahon has become such a part of the thing that Mikey coming out in a fur jacket taking a belt off and giving you a bump in the middle of the show

and then going back could really throw the audience off and you don't wrestle back you just get bumped to the ground and get nailed and then he grabs a mic and goes, don't you ever ever try to rip me off again and that's it yeah I like that

that's what I'd want to I'd want to get something like on camera, like something bigger like that. So yeah, that would be... But you would need his participation in it, correct? Right. I don't want him to hit me for real. No, what I mean by that is you don't want to just start doing something because you're

not even invited to his show at this point. Right, yeah. Yeah, again, you don't mess with cash, so you don't want to show up and just start doing things on the show. Exactly. So you need to find a way to ask him if he's willing to do this. with you. Is that correct? Yes.

So what do you think about asking him if he wants to make this a bit? Yeah, I can ask him that. Again, we were really good friends beforehand, and then because of this, he just hasn't talked to me. So I feel like that would be a good way to open the door too,

because he's a showman. He loves doing this kind of stuff. I like, what if you did this, just to sort of lay the track for this? What if you go, you know when he's doing an event? What if you show up? You pay for your ticket, you go up to him, and you give him, you know, whatever you think, $75, $100, and you say, Mikey, what happened last October really has been eating me up just from a friend perspective.

Here's what I owe you plus some extra. I was not thinking that night. Also, I have been thinking it could be funny if we wanted to make it a thing that you banned me from refing in this league for bribery. and you take it out on me in the ring and then I'm back in and it sort of explains the absence a little bit. Yeah, yeah, I like that. I think that's fun.

I would just literally, my pitch to you, Dan, is, the way to go back, look, there's the straight up way, which is not our show obvious because you said you wanted fun is you just go talking, but I think what you need to do

is you need to ask me if he's willing to make this a storyline. Oh, you know, sorry, quickly, just to pitch on the storyline. If he's into it, this is how I would pitch the storyline. If he's in it, you are reffing and when you're up there, reffing, you get

bumped by a wrestler lightly, and cash drops out of your shirt and your pockets. And then it becomes a thing that you've been accepting cash bribes for reffing, and that's when Mikey comes into the ring and says, no ref in any of my matches is going to accept money.

And then they sort of tag team you. They throw you off out of the ring. Yeah, and then you have the redemption story at the end of that event or then you're just back in the mix. Oh, how about this? Karath, I love that. What about this, Dan? Then you have to get on your knees the way they do in wrestling with you store and beg be like, it'll never happen again.

I'll never mess with your money again, please. And when you're like kissing his feet and he'll go in that moment you tell him to decide if you are in or out. That's great. and be like, why did you take the money? Yeah, but you make it a whole storyline where it's for your kids. It's for your kids because it was for your kids. And then he goes like, never again. And you go, please, it will never happen again.

And then either he allows you to come back or kicks you out. And if he kicks you out, you will accept your fate. But you're still buddies. You're still buddies. You're back. And you're back. And you would love to do it in front of the audience. I think that's pretty good.

Dan, what do you think? I think that's great. I think that's a very common thing you see in wrestling is like the guy begging for his job. Yes, but I love what Dareth said, too, that the way it starts is after the math, like when you put someone's hand up like this, money drops out. You know what it could be. And they don't know why there's money there. It could be, you know, I remember I didn't watch a lot of wrestling, but I do remember

the refs missing the calls. Like, if you've missed a couple calls and the guy you're missing them on, is going, what the fuck? What's going on? And then you get bumped, then the cash drops out. And then it's like, oh, my God. I think it's got to be after a match. Because if you're making it too big, he's got to work so hard at it.

And it's like there's more, yeah. Now the other wrestlers need to be like, our matches about the wrestler, the ref is never the star. Okay. It's after a match. The guy has already won. Yeah. In between events. Like that set up time when everybody's leaving and nothing's happening before the next thing.

Yeah. As you are raising his hand or walking off stage, money comes off and that you just have Mikey or one of the wrestlers go like, where that money could be a wrestler at Mikey's behest, you know, Mikey can't even be commanding a wrestler. But it's not you betting on it. It's just you have, there's an issue with money and Ruff should never have money on because you don't mess with people's money. Hold on. Hold on. I got a pitch. So let's, for real, at the beginning, like, you.

You and Mikey, you mend fences. At the beginning of this evening, Mikey is going to make an announcement to everyone there that $200 is missing from the cash box. This league is dependent on making money just out of the audience. If someone took it or if someone finds it, please let us know this is how this works.

It feels serious. It's in earnest. Two thirds, halfway through the show, we do this pitch. Mikey pieces together. It's $200 exactly. The fucking ref took it. And that's why we're going to make a lesson out of him.

And then he decides, because of your years of friendship, of giving you a second chance or not, but you're begging for your job. Yep. Dan? Where you at, bud? I love it. No, I think that is great because that's kind of give you more of like a through line

throughout the whole show. Yeah. Of now it's nothing in the beginning. You cost me money before. hey, you stole my money again and then, you know, he can hit me or whatever. I think it's excellent.

Are you going to do it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to message him. How are you going to phrase it? What are you going to say? Yeah. Well, I don't know the last message I sent him

was basically just me apologizing for not paying for my kids. Okay. So I would start by saying, hey, let's say like just following up, but just following up. on what I said before.

I have an idea. I was on this podcast. They gave me a great idea to make things whole again. And I'd love to compensate you for what I took from you already. And then from there, kind of go into the explanation of like, here's what the whole segment would be. If I may, I would maybe go this direction. I would go, Mikey, it's Dan.

What's your Venmo? The thing that happened last October really has eaten me up. not even from a work perspective, but just because we're friends. I'd like to pay you X amount whatever you think is fair. Also, just on a side note, since this was eating me up, I called in a podcast for some advice, and I think there's a way that we could maybe make this

a little bit of a spectacle at the next one of your shows. Love this. Either way, you're nail in it. You're getting nail in it. Okay, got it, yeah. And then, Dan, do us a favor and follow up with us for sure and if this happens, please film it and tell Mikey we would be happy

to have both of you guys back on for a follow-up. He's more than welcome to promote the promotion. Okay, great. But we would love video of this. Yes. Listen, there's always like three or four cameras at every show, so you don't know if you get video, you get angles.

What do you, Dan, just quickly, what do you think the odds are he goes for something like this? Mikey loves this kind of shit So I would say pretty good Yes I think so too Send it Keep us posted You're back in the goddamn game

I sure hope so Sounds good Thanks guys My wife's gonna be thrilled By the way She has no idea I'm calling in Hey Mike Dan Don't tell her until she hears it

Oh that's a great idea Oh God I'm not telling her at all I love it So it's a total surprise And what's her name? Her name is Shannon Hey, actually, it lasts before we go, Dan. Any message you want to tell to Shannon?

No, I'm good. Wait, I have one. May I just offer a pay-the-toll pitch? When you know she's going to listen to it? Pet toll. Get a video of her when she puts it on, if possible. Yeah, if not, Godspeed, Dan, I love you, I promise. I was just being goofy.

I love you very much. There you go. Goodbye. Bye, baby. We'll talk to you later. Love you. All right, thank you. Hello?

Hello? How are you? Yeah, hi, this is Santos. What's up, Santos? Oh. Gareth, on the last episode, the thing that you missed when you left and Lamorne and I kept going. Uh-huh.

Santos called in with another follow-up. Santos, will you catch Gareth up on what happened on the last call? so he is up to date. So walk the whole audience through your whole problem from start to finish, Santos, and take your time. Okay. So my problem was that I have a coworker that I won't eat my wife's baked goods.

And we did, the last time that we talked, well, the first time we came up with a sting operation. So to catch him to see if he had beaten. with me or if he just didn't fuck with baked goods. And so my little update with Amorn was that one of my

co-workers told me that he basically like was talking shit about me being on a scooter. And he was like Nick in front of me and he said something that he couldn't even repeat. That's how bad it was. He was like, I can't even tell you. About Santos on a scooter?

I can't even repeat it. And I was like, damn. Like, okay, so like, does he even deserve it? Like, does he deserve my, like, wife's cookies? Like, to see him. That's an interesting spin. And, um, so then Jake was like,

I can't imagine hearing something so bad you won't tell your friend what someone said. Especially about a guy on a scooter. Yeah. Yeah. Well, could that be on a scooter? Yeah. It's crazy. I was like, man, it has to be super bad.

I mean, you know. I can't even imagine what he said. Or are the friends just looking for drama, Santos? No, he would have told me if it was, if it was, like, if you want to, like, sit around with me, and, like, he'll make fun of me for it and stuff like that. But, I mean, if it was that bad, I was like, man, if he can't even say it, it's pretty bad. Yeah. So, so then the morning, Jay, we're like, you know what?

Like, let's just go ahead and do it. Like, we're just trying to see if this guy's, like, a piece of shit. So let's figure it out. And so my little update is, so before I let you guys know, the person that did it with me, it's a little important to know that, like, she's white and, well, I'm Mexican. So she's going into, like, the state operation with me. And so I buy last month in our meeting, our monthly meeting, I bought two trays of cookies from the store. and so I gave them one trade to her

and then one I kept one and then so before the meeting started when everybody was there I told the guy I said hey I bought some cookies you know you guys

help yourself so they passed around the whole tray and when it got to Joe he made his dumb little face and was like I'm good you know so I'm this fucking guy again like even like big goods

that I buy from like the fucking store like whatever so it goes all the way our meeting finishes and then so the person from the office will call her player she comes in and she's like

oh guys I forgot like you know sometimes bought some bought more I've sometimes bought cookies but I brought I brought some more because I saw that you know you guys you guys ate them all so then the only one that stands up and gets cookies guess who it is

no fucking way Okay, so he gets up He's about to get up and get the cookies And one of my co-workers goes Oh man, come on Like, you're not gonna beat the allegations Like of you being racist Oh, it's a racist issue

All the guys start laughing He gets up He grabs two cookies Smiles and leaves Oh my fuck He doesn't want a Mexican's cookies Isn't that wild? Like to think about that.

So maybe the thing on the scooter wasn't about me rocking out too hard on the scooter. Maybe he's just racist. This is a crazy turn. What's the percentage of Mexican versus white in this job of yours? He's Mexican. I thought he was. Santos, thanks for the call, bud. He's anti-Mexican cooking.

he's Mexican. That's crazy. I didn't guess that. So throughout the month, throughout last month. So I was like, you know what? Like, I'm just gonna, he's being fucking weirdo. Like, it's weird that he did this. So I was just, you know, going throughout my days.

And I was talking to some coworkers. Because I was like, you know what? Like, either they're fucking around or like they're being serious. Because you get some of those Mexicans around here. I mean, you know, it happens. but I found out yeah that's actually what it is I found out what he said about me what he said oh man it's not

not the best I don't know we might beep it out but tell us he just said oh look at that little fucking beaner like on the scooter you know little jumping bean on the scooter I was like oh my god but all right so you know what I would like to propose Santos what's up would you ask him to come on the podcast

what? Oh so that's the thing I don't I no longer work there so I don't really have like I'm not able I as soon as I found that information I was like oh man like I know we can really fuck around with this guy or you know

I guys can have me yeah so Unfortunately, I won't be seeing him any longer. I just wanted to update you guys. It's technically a bell ring because he is a piece of shit. Yeah, it's insane. The weirdest bell ring we've had, but we'll ring it. After 300 episodes, to find out that the reason he did not eat your stuff was in fact

because he's Mexican, he's racist against Mexican and he's Mexican. And the insult was a derogatory Mexican term about you on a scooter as a Mexican guy. My head's going to explode. Well, I think we've discovered that in a racist country, the food transcends. Of course. Of course. A bunch of KKK guys are going to a Chinese restaurant. Yeah.

Of course. Like, even Thorbott, like, food is delicious. Yeah. It could have been a Mexican. Now I, now let me just. It's the craziest thing I've ever heard. It's crazy. I will have one final pitch.

We're ringing the bell. My final pitch is. you make some cookies with some X-Lax in it, and you drop it off at your old place with his name on it. Well, though, because others could eat it. Yeah. I would say we move on, Santos. We got to the, sometimes this is a feel-good show,

and sometimes it's just detectives doing detective works and get into the bottom of it, and you lift up the rug and you see a bunch of bugs. On this one, we see a bug. I'm not a playlist. I spoke my wife, you know, I hate to be, it's a bell ring, but it's a sad ring. Yes, but hey, guess what?

It's reality, Santos. And you know what? Yeah. I love Santos talking to his wife with real brevity. Like, it's a bell ring, but it's not the bell ring we all wanted. She's like, what is this podcast? Yeah, I know what. I know what this feels like.

I know we're going to be sad about it. It's not going to be a happy one, you know. Here's what this is, Santos. Here's what this is. We're at the bar. The bar. tender goes, we're ending the night. They go, all right, guys, you close up, 15 bucks.

And you go, 20 bucks on the table, and you go, I got it. And we go, no, no, no, we're the uncles. And you go, I got it. You put the money down. We go, whoa. Then you walk out sad, and we go, Santos had to deal with the racist Mexican about him being Mexican. And that's sad.

But also, thanks for paying the tab. Yeah. Our arms are around you at the end of the night. Gareth is really emotional. I just... Yeah, I appreciate it. You know what? Those were probably my last 20 bucks.

That's even sad. I'm probably riding home in my scooter that night. Oh, Santos. That's correct. So now you're riding home drunk on a scooter with no money after somebody was racist against you? Hey, but I had a great night with my uncles.

You know what we're doing? We're running out there and I'm going, hey! And you turn around and you're on that scooter. and I go, he goes, come here. You come close to me. You want to what I do? I hand you.

What do you do? I hand you a hundred bucks and I go, this is for me and your uncle Garrett. Take that. Oh my God, I would cry. We're both crying. Gareth is crying so hard inside, but it's about other stuff.

It's been a tough life. That's like a great night, actually. I don't know. Yeah, so now we're feeling good, and the bartender is saying to Garrett, I need you out. I got no way to go. He's going through a lot of stuff.

Yeah. Well, that's coming up for me. One of the younger guys goes, is that a whale tail popping out of his jeans? And then they've realized he's wearing, in fact, a thong. And the whale tail's sticking out. And somebody goes, is that a tattoo, a tramp stamp of a turtle that is a rainbow at the shell that says, G man's ready to party for content? I'll do anything.

It's probably. And so, it was a crazy night. It was. But here's the thing, Santos. Here's the thing. You and me were drinking. Gareth is on like a 30-day sober thing.

He's just been literally drinking Diet Coke's and water. It's a cleanse. He's sober. Yeah. He's sober. That sounds like my wife's diet. Sober feels drunk when you're this pain. Emotional.

Sugared out. So Santos. You don't walk away from me right now, my man. We're going to walk away from him right now. The bartender's going to, oh, no, the security guy's coming by Gareth, and he's getting rough. And I go, I kind of like it. He grabs Gareth by the deck. No, no, no, no, Gareth, not the Gareth, not the ear.

Punch me. Please. You can't hurt me more than I hurt myself. Can't hurt me more than Joe has hurt me already. Exactly. So, Santos, you got the C-note in your pocket now. You're on the scooter. Gareth has now joined as me and him are arm and on.

We're watching you golf. We're both giving you a thumbs up. You're on that scooter driving away. You turn back. You look at us. What's the last thing you say before driving off into the night? Hickley and Bo! Thanks for the call, brother.

Thank you. I love you guys. Love you, man. Hey, everybody. We just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help, It drops a day early on Hulu, so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod. At gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, You can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash Here to Help Pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis,

Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Garethreth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

That was a hate gum podcast. This is Whitney. And Alexong. A.k.a. the popcorn queen and king. Hey, guys, we just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you've shown our family. As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231, we're navigating Alexan's second kidney transplant journey. And that journey has really inspired us to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation. That's right. The foundation helps transplant families with everyday expenses during recovery so they could

focus on what's most important. Healing. Now whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load. If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate at A. A-R-A-N-A-K-R-F-D-org. That's A-R-F-R-F-org. Thank you so much for being such an incredible community. And thank you for always being there to help. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast, That Was Us, now on HeadGum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry?

Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.