We're Here to Help - 312: Listen To Your Body & Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Episode Date: August 3, 2026The guys convince a caller that nothing is stranger than the truth. Then, they put a damper on squeaky sexy time. Plus, a follow up from Ep 300 "Gen-Italia."See images from the episode here: ...https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-312Want to call in? Email your question to helpfulpod@gmail.com.PATREON: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
This is a headgum podcast.
This is a headgum podcast.
You just...
You just...
You heard she squirted at the intro.
In intro.
Without first, there's a lot of, this is actually a do.
This is all a do.
All ado.
You know what?
We talked about it a little bit, but what's happening, what we haven't really talked about a lot.
Yeah, true.
The gray cookoff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We got so caught up in the dink.
We went right into dink press together.
But we did the night.
We did, it was unthinkably fun.
We did, it was a seven hour and 20 minute stream.
We weren't there for all of it.
But Patreon had access to seven hours and 20 minutes.
Now, just to set people up a little bit,
and Gareth, if you think I'm spoiling or I think you're spoiling,
cut the other guy off.
Okay.
But one of the funniest takeaways for me was in getting the comments
and hearing from the people that there was like a four-hour cooking session.
And the overall sentiment, Gareth, was that Adam was
cooking the whole time.
And Steve was standing around drinking a lot of wine talking about the banned pavement.
We heard that he talked about pavement quite a lot.
Gareth, what has been happening with all this madness?
What is going on?
What happened?
It's hard to explain because the bet was he gets a cookbook, Steve does, if he wins.
If he doesn't, he can't talk about food for six months.
And are we being too severe?
look let's enjoy it for a minute and then we can see if we want to scale back but adam mop the
floor with him to be quite frank oh you're going right to the end oh no why don't we tell each other
if we're going too far okay cut that cut that but we as we let up to it uh there were high stakes
bird gets a cookbook if he loses he can't talk about food for six months um and uh yeah
Yeah, when we showed up, the vibe was that Adam was sweaty and working,
and Berg had a buzz going, a good buzz going.
But so confident.
And not the only day of, as I told you, leading up to it,
just the level of he's going to overdo it,
Johnson's got these simple tastes,
he's going to cater to pallets that you guys don't have.
And I'll also tell you another thing that happened that day
is we did three hours of recording in studio together.
And we had some, we got some bangers coming out on us.
It was.
Just, it was a phenomenal day.
I got to say, I have loved how on fire the show is right now.
I have loved how much the community is interacting.
I love that people are complaining about certain things and then people are pushing back and they're sending voice notes.
I was just, you know, I said in the other one, but I've been on a pretty big press tour.
and I've said to you this in the past
where you'd be like, I'm on the road, the show's hidden.
Well, the Daily Show, for example,
you do no pre-interview for that.
Oh, there's nothing.
Nothing.
It was a great, people should watch that
because Costa, as you call it, is amazing.
Costa's coming on our show.
Mike Costa is hilarious.
So funny.
But it happened with there.
I did a thing for Betches,
which is a whole fucking network.
These people have created
but the host of it we were doing some game
it was me and Mary Steenbergin
and then she brings up the pod
I didn't and she goes
I go oh that's a nice callback
she goes oh I'm a huge fan
I'm four behind so many people
along the way would be I'm at
Seth Meyer as one of the segment producers
in the back is like oh what's going on
with your mom and I go
oh you saw Kimmel and they go like this
no no I listen to the podcast
and they're like don't say anything I'm three behind
I was like
oh this shit's starting to
spread. People on the street in New York would do the, you know, big fan dude, a big kind of like,
thanks, brother. And then they would go like, dude, I'm in it, I'm in it. I'm on like episode 250.
Wow. Yeah. It is. It's out there. It's starting to rumble a little bit.
When you come out of a colonoscopy and a guy that you don't know at all and only have two
seconds with says he loves the pod, he's a huge, we're here to help fan.
It's something's happening.
Something's happening.
We have started to turn the corner.
I felt it on this, and I also felt during this press store, because of this podcast, I was different because I was partly talking to our audience.
Because I'm like, I'm doing these things, but, you know, like another thing that happened that I do think is connected to our pod.
I got heckled when I walked out on Seth Myers.
That is such a we're here to help new girl fan
Where you're like
It was a younger woman
I walked out and she goes
Get it, cookie, got you cookie!
And then gave a high five to the woman next to her
And I thought, fucking awesome.
Thank you.
I thought I wasn't going to say anything.
But I thought you were
Maybe more at ease with this stuff.
Not that you're stressed out about it,
but it's a whole thing.
But you were like,
you just were killing it.
It just seemed like you were very comfortable
in the pocket.
And I think a lot of it is...
Well, not only that, we're doing a press tour all the time.
Yeah, right.
And we have a base and our base is supportive.
So I know the base is going to check out your movie.
I know the base is going to watch this press.
I know the base is with us.
And watch the dink.
I mean...
Yes.
But I know, but for that, I'm pushing the dink to everybody.
I know.
But while I was there, I'm like,
But I am deep down talking to our group a little bit here.
You did a great job, too.
You brought up the show a lot.
You did a great job.
It was really, you covered a lot, because you have a lot of shit going on.
You covered a lot of ground very well.
So, I don't know.
Are you tired?
Exhausted, man.
Yeah.
To another level.
Gone.
Nonstop.
Gareth, I got to get off, but tell everyone about your movie.
My movie's called Give It Up.
Jake's in it.
uh at jake's hilarious in it and uh bergs in it you we're taking it on tour in august going across
the country we're literally hitting 12 cities we might be adding more but go to give itupfilm.com
and uh now we can say without further enjoy the ads everybody there's a lot of them
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Who are you talking to, please? Excuse me.
Hello? Yeah, hi. Look Alive. Showtime.
Awesome, thank you.
Hi. Hello?
Hello?
Hi.
Hi.
Who are you talking to, please?
Oh, this is Sydney.
This is Sydney?
Yes.
Who are you talking to, Sydney?
We all heard you.
What do you mean?
Never mind.
How old are you, Sydney?
27.
27.
No, Sydney, my partner's right.
Who were you chatting with?
Come on.
I got nervous.
I was Garrison Jake.
Sydney, who are you gabbing with?
in that room or yours?
Names.
Oh, it's my boss.
So you're at work right now?
Yeah.
I am at work right now.
Okay.
No more talking to be on my break.
Sidney, no more talking to anybody in that room except for us three.
Deal?
No more lies either.
That's a deal I got you.
Okay.
Where are you calling from?
Wisconsin.
What part?
Hudson.
Your thoughts, Gareth.
Where?
Hudson.
On the border of Wisconsin and Minnesota.
Oh, that's why I don't care for it.
It's right at the edge there.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I was born and raised in Minnesota, so.
Move on.
Oh, Sydney.
What do you do for work?
What do you do for work?
I work at a car wash.
Cool.
We got somebody who got, yeah, truthfully.
All right, Cindy.
What's happened?
happening. Okay. So I recently injured my arm and I have to wear a sling for a couple more weeks.
And a lot of my job involves retail with nosy customers. So I've had about 50% ask me what
happened and then 10% asked me if a boyfriend did this and if they need to go beat him up.
And I've told my doctor, my dad and my sister that it happened at the gym. But the real
reason is kind of embarrassing. So I need a good, funny and quick light.
tell people when they ask.
I have told some that I was mulled by a bear, but then they freak out too much.
So I think that's too big.
Okay.
Well, obviously, we need to know the real reason.
Yeah, in order to help us.
Yeah.
I knew you were going to ask that.
Yeah.
Of course.
Okay.
I couldn't reach the part of my back that was itchy.
And so I tried to force my arm back there and then I heard a pop.
Sidney.
Who are you mean?
That's how all my injuries occur
Cindy.
I think you've just changed itching for everyone listening to the show.
Who knew that it needed a safety net?
What is the injury?
It's just like a, it was like a sprain.
Well, they said it's probably just a muscle strain,
but I still can't really move my arms that well.
You're in a full cast.
We're seeing it.
That's right.
You're trying to reach your back.
Yeah.
So you just couldn't get to that one corner and it was itching like crazy.
And you went to the, you chichitoed yourself.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You basically tapped yourself out.
Your arm barred yourself.
Yes.
My roommate did ask why I didn't just use the corner of a door.
Yeah.
I mean, we've all seen bears.
There's a way.
Oh, God.
And so your question is now when people ask what happened to your arm,
I honestly, if I'm you, I just say itching my back.
And then don't, if they follow up.
I know, but you don't even, you just let them get there.
They go, what happened?
Your boyfriend, I'll kick your eyes.
You go like this, nah, I was itching.
But do it like you're tough.
I was itching up.
You'd be like, what was I doing?
Nah, I was itching my back.
And then go like this.
It's not going to work.
Go like this.
Wink and go like this.
But I got it.
It's just, it ain't nothing going to stuff.
Stop me from getting that it.
Quickly, Cindy.
Did you get it?
Yes.
I did indeed.
So I do this.
You know what I do?
Sydney, ask me what happened to my arm.
Pretend you're somebody.
Oh, what happened to your arm?
This old arm.
You know that small of your back
is fucking impossible to get to
for an average person.
That little hole that nobody could ever fucking get to.
Yeah?
I had an itch there.
And I fucking busted my arm to get there, but I got there.
You injured your arm itching yourself?
Yeah.
I went to a Bermuda triangle of my back.
I fucking bent my arm backwards, but I did the impossible.
What?
I did the impossible.
Not all heroes with kicks.
Why is, did you say call yourself a hero?
Just do it.
just do what?
Don't be afraid of success.
What are you talking about?
Never quit.
That's my kind of thought, Gareth.
What is your take on that?
Listen, I think Jake is,
Jake deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor
for his valiant service
and trying to make itching your back
sound like it was D-Day.
But let's now see, Sydney,
I'm going to ask,
ask you and I want your
impression of me doing your coolest
version of making it sound
bad ass it. Bad ass. Like
the kind of itch that you need to
fucking break your fucking arm
to get to.
No, I don't want any laughing.
I want toughness.
All right. Okay?
All right. So pretend we're at the
car wash. Oh, hey
hunch, I just need this crow shit wash
off my car. Oh yeah. Well, we
can help you with that. Oh,
happened to the arm. And they had a boyfriend
do it to you? No, no boyfriend.
You know, I just
I had this it on my back
and I stretched my arm
and I got it.
What do you mean?
I got the itch
but I lost the arm
in the process.
Carrot, this is cool.
Are you out of, what are you drunk?
No, no way.
I lost.
the arm but I got the itch?
Not all heroes wear capes.
They do wear slings.
No.
I love them.
That is, what that, what that does is,
that, you know what this is?
This is why she called.
That is a POV changing statement.
You now start picturing this person
through a whole different prism.
Yeah.
I itched.
Huh?
You're like, I can't do business with this person.
Gareth, you're the customer.
Sydney, you're you.
Try another spin at it.
But same idea.
You got the fucking inch
that nobody could get to.
And let them know how hard it is
and that you quite literally
dislocated your arm to get it.
Well, and maybe if you want to lay it on thicker,
you did this so other people know
you're a cautionary tail.
Yeah, or there ain't no part of your body
you can't scratch.
Okay.
And ligaments ain't going to stop you because you crazy.
All right.
She got it, Gary.
She got it.
I had her, Sydney.
Can I just get the usual washing wax?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Whoa.
What happened to the arm?
Well, you know how average people can't reach their whole back if they have an itch?
I could reach it.
I got it.
You got the it?
I got the job done.
How did you hurt your arm?
by reaching that spot that average people can't reach
I did it
you didn't do it I did it
okay what
what happened
it popped my arm popped
while I was scratching the itch
but I got it
come on man
I'm going to be honest
I'm going to be honest
I'm coming around
I got it
you're doing such a good job
Cindy I'm coming around
my pitches
my pitches are lies
and I think
I got to be honest
pretty good
now
it's pretty
it's because of her performance
You were watching my performance and mine was bad.
Hers is better.
But I also think that when I first heard it, it's so crazy.
But I think maybe it is.
It's like if the snake eats its tail, you can't do the funniest thing.
Yes.
And own it in a way of bravery.
And I don't know, it's starting to work for me a little bit.
Let's do this really fast, Sydney.
Natalie, you mind hopping on?
What's up?
Will you pretend you're at the gas station?
I want how you would do it or at the car wash
and you asked Sidney about our arm and let's see what happens.
I would never ask someone why their arm is in a sling.
The fuck are these people doing.
Pretend you're in Wisconsin.
That's crazy.
Pretend you do.
That's not crazy.
It's not crazy.
To ask a strange person what's why their arms is a sling?
My brother would ask everybody, every personal question.
Your brother is insane.
Also.
Chopper 5 is not insane.
He's in the chopper.
Sure, maybe when it came to equipment,
he bought the weirdest setup imaginable for some reason.
Let's just try it, Natalie.
Pretend you're being social at the car washing.
You're worried about her, okay?
In three, two, let's see what happens.
Oh, hi.
Are you okay?
What's gone off your arm?
Oh, well, have you ever had an itch that you just can't scratch
because your arm doesn't reach all the way down your back?
No, I'm very flexible
Oh yeah
You're a nightmare
Get off
Get off
Get out of this car wash
Get out of here
You're a nightmare
Fancy pants
You know what Sydney
You're in a golden zone
We're going to do one more
You and me
So that your confidence
Is back to where it needs to be
Garrett and I are coming in together
As two guys
We just pulled up
We're driving the
We're here to help van
We're getting a car washed
We see you, we walk in, he and I are gabbing, and let's do this scene.
And, Sydney, do it for real and sell it because we are going to ask you to have your phone ready and try to record it if it ever happens.
But let's try one, Sidney.
Gareth and I just got out.
We are walking.
Gareth, if you want to do any small talk before we get to the counter.
Three, two, and.
Oh, I got the tropical flavored air freshener.
That's my favorite of the trees.
Why are you talking that way, Gary?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, sorry.
I was talking to my friend Ralph here.
It's been an acerbic and negative.
A crazy thing to say.
Can we get a one-wash?
Are you doing voices?
Gareth?
We got the van out there.
Whoa, Ralph.
Are we here to help van?
Yeah, so we're here to help van.
So why would Ralph and Donnie be driving a we're here to help van?
This is crazy right now.
We'll talk about it later.
Can't you see the lady's been under the rest recently?
Okay, I understand.
Hey, honey, what happened to the arm?
Are you guys good?
Yeah, yeah, we're good, but why is the arm in a swing?
What's going on?
Well, you know, I just, I couldn't reach that it at the middle of my back.
So I tried to force it and, you know, I did the job.
I got it done, but broke the arm in the process.
What do you mean, sweetheart?
You broke your arm, itching your back?
Yeah, haven't you ever had an itch that bad?
Yeah, for sure, of course.
And you didn't break your arm?
No, I always stop when the pressure gets too hard on the elbow.
Yeah, I take every, you know, your body has a breaking point where your limitations are kind of self-proposed.
It warns you, kid, doesn't it?
You know, I just, I don't know how to listen to my body?
I forced it and it was too much
I got to jump in Jake
I agree I agree
this is building her confidence
that was no it went sideways
when you were about to end the call
then you blew it
you jumped in you blew it you like
brought in Kroko and blew it
get out of here
Sidney so sorry you had to hear
so sorry you had to hear that
Sydney
this is what I want you
to imagine when this is brought up.
And this is kind of where you were at one point.
Imagine that we're talking to a legend,
the first person who climbed Everest.
That's right.
Someone who has, you remember that guy, Felix, whatever his name was?
He jumped from space for Red Bull.
It's almost like you look out the window,
and the light just kind of hits your eyes
and you kind of nod to yourself and just kind of go,
You're unbelievable.
Yeah.
I got it.
And I paid the ultimate price.
But I got it.
But Gareth is right.
You're unbelievable, Sidney.
Yeah.
You climbed Everest.
That's the level of intensity and the cadence of pride.
So let's just try again.
And remember, part of what's fun about this is these are throwaway conversations.
These are people who are coming to the car wash.
This is about you enjoying yourself.
little bit. So it is a strange way to hurt your arm. But you know what? You actually discovered an
element that has sort of created nuclear fusion. You are a hero. Your name is going to be in history
books. Give yourself that level of self-aggrandizement. Let's go again. I'm going to stay in the van.
Okay. All right. You stay in the van. Oh, hey there.
Can we get the van wash?
My buddy's in there.
Oh, yeah.
Is it under seven feet tall?
He's okay.
He's screaming for some reason.
What did you say, hon?
Sorry?
Is it under seven feet tall?
Give me out.
It is.
Don't worry about him.
He's fine.
The window's down a little bit.
A bit of a drama guy.
Okay, me up.
All right.
He's going to be in there.
We'll both probably be in there when you watch it.
But, yeah, full wash.
Let's wax it, too.
It's obviously got the big decal on it.
We're here to help hell of a show.
Uh, whoa.
Are you not doing the washing, are you?
Uh, no, not doing that.
We got somebody else in there, you know?
You wouldn't be able to.
Yeah, not.
What, uh, what, uh, what, uh, what happened, huh?
Yeah, you know, I, I had this itch in the middle of my back and, uh, I couldn't reach it for a little while,
but I, I tried and I worked hard and I did it.
And I got the edge scratched.
It worked.
I'm going to jump in.
I'm going to give you a note.
You know what I want?
Warmer.
No.
Breatthier and slower.
Okay.
Try again.
Right to you were Gareth.
Will you set her up into it?
Yeah.
Whoa.
Hey.
What happened to the arm there, kid?
It's in a sling.
Oh, the arm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I had an itch in the middle of my back,
and I stretched my arm back there.
You know, it took a while, and then I heard a pop.
But I got the itch.
I got it scratched.
So, Cindy, one more note, because you are good at taking notes,
and you are right there.
One last element you need to do is you need to ask yourself questions
and then answer them.
example
this arm
let me tell you
you ever had an itch
I have
also
would other people
be able to get it
probably not
exactly right
so this same rhythm
that breathiness
that confidence
that pace
but throwing a couple
questions
take a beat
answer it
continue
Garrett you might
setting her up
yeah all right
so let's just get
it
oh hey what's
what happened
of the arm there, kid?
My arm?
Oh.
My arm, yeah.
Well,
you ever had an itch
but you can't scratch?
You just can't reach it?
I've had that.
You know, I've had it last week.
And I
saw my arm back there and I was trying to
inch this scratch.
And,
You know, I did get it.
I got it.
I got it.
But it didn't want away.
But my arm, have you ever heard a pop when you've turned the wrong way?
Then you can't walk the rest of the day.
I heard a pop when I was scratching my back.
But the pop was in my arm.
And now I can't move it.
Garrett.
It is excellent.
We're right there.
Let's do one more.
and we'll end it.
Okay, you're so good,
you know,
doctors said they've never seen anyone
fight so hard for an inch.
Yeah, this is right.
You know,
your cadence is perfect.
Yes.
It's just,
you know,
like a lot of people
would have stopped trying.
Not me.
I pushed.
And boy,
am I glad I did.
So same thing.
Let's just go one more.
You're right there.
Hey, kid.
Whoa.
Came in for a car wash.
Now I'm all questions.
What happened to your arm there?
in the old sling?
Oh, well, I'm all right right now.
All right-handed.
Yeah, the arm, my arm.
Have you ever had an itch that you just can't scratch?
You can't reach it.
Well, I've had that.
I had it last week.
And I tried.
You know, I did my best.
It took a long time.
It took a lot of.
effort.
I got my arm back there.
Have you ever twisted the wrong way and then you have back pain the rest of the day?
Well, I did that with my arm.
I just stretched it the wrong way, trying to reach that scratch,
climb in Everest.
And I pushed myself, heard of pop, got the itch, and I can't move my arm now.
That's excellent, Sidney.
How do you feel about doing this?
I think it's pretty good.
I agree.
Pretty good, man.
You're going to get asked a lot.
Keep building off of it, you know?
Doctors have never seen anyone fight so hard like me.
Agreed.
Yeah.
Just picture yourself putting the flag in the peak of Everest in like the 30s.
Yeah.
Sydney, good job.
Keep us posted.
One last piece of advice to you from your own.
on this one.
Next time you got that itch,
use a wall.
When your body starts to hurt,
stop doing that thing.
That's your body's way of saying
you're not supposed to go there.
It's too far away.
It's a crazy thing.
I'm going to teach you a lesson soon.
You're going to miss when your biggest pain was an itch.
So if your body is giving you a warning sign,
listen to it.
Yeah.
But that's just off record.
Yeah.
On record.
You know what you could also do?
You could do one after somebody asked.
You could tell them like you're teaching them,
where you could go like,
you ever had an itching your back and you can't reach it?
And your arm's giving you a warning sign,
but you don't listen.
You push through it until your arm pops out of place
and you got to wear a sling.
Well, here's my message to you.
Listen to your body.
That it's too far away.
Yeah. And I also, if I could leave you with one note, at some point, say, hero question mark to yourself.
Agreed. See where you go.
And then just nod. You could also hear a question mark and then make direct high content just slowly nod yes.
Hero?
Perfect. Hero? And then go like this. Not for me to say. That's for the history books to decide.
Let history write that name down.
Exactly. That, yeah.
Hey, Cindy, you're in a golden zone. Record one, Sydney. Let me.
us hear it. Yeah. Okay. We'll do. Go get them. Thank you. Okay. Bye. Bye. And we brought to by Mint Mobile.
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Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
Great. You sound a lot like Jesse. I'm not going to lie. What is your name, please?
I mean, you sound a lot like Jesse.
Wait, hold on. Jesse is Zach. Will you guys do a little intro just to do you?
Have a conversation. Jesse, do the work here.
Hey, can I get your name, please?
Hi, my name is Zach.
Hey, I'm Jesse. Are you guys having fun?
I want to keep hearing. I'm not sure if I see them as the same. Keep going, Jesse.
Zach, where are you from?
I'm from Columbus, Ohio.
Columbus, Ohio?
Yep.
Nice. That's where my dad grew up.
That's true.
Hello, son.
Hello.
I don't know.
I see him is different.
Thank you for doing that, Jesse.
Of course.
Take care, Jesse.
Yeah, bye-bye.
It's close. It's close.
It's close.
It's close. Zach from Columbus, what can we do for you today, bud?
So I have a bit of a bit of.
a dilemma. I have a niece that lives with me who is 25 years old. I'm a single father of three kids,
so I'm, you know, home alone a lot. But she has her boyfriend come over to the house and
stayed the night sometimes, which is no big deal. I like the guy. But lately, I have not been able
to watch TV in my living room because I can hear the bed squeaking rhythmically in the room above me.
So, yeah, which is no big deal, but I guess my dilemma is how do I, how do I get her to maybe be a little more quiet or fix that squeaky bed without telling her that I have heard it?
This is interesting, Zach. Walk me through again the living situation. You said a roommate?
Yeah, it's my niece. She lives in the bedroom above the living room.
Correct.
And what's her age range?
She is 25.
Okay.
And is she in there alone?
She lives here alone, but her boyfriend is over there when it's squeaking.
Okay, so your 25-year-old niece is upstairs, as they used to say, is Chuck Worla, they used to sound love connection, making whoopee.
Mm-hmm.
And how do we tell her?
How do we tell her, we can all hear it?
Right.
Without letting her know that I have heard it.
Understood, 100%.
And how many other family members live in the house?
I have three little girls myself, and they're toddlers.
Oh, my gosh.
So you got three toddlers.
You got, by the way, you got three toddlers.
And you're allowing your niece to be there.
It's a very women-filled house.
lucky man
so this is a tough one gareth
because what we don't want to do is shame a 25 year old
especially coming from her uncle
oh it's uncomfortable in every way it's uncomfortable
for you to be like hey you fuck it too loud
what do you do for work check we gotta fix the problem
I actually work from home I'm an animator
an animator okay do you ever take work calls
I do yeah I'm actually I had to leave the house today
so that I could take this call.
I didn't want her to hear me.
Respect.
You know what my first pitch is, Zach?
What?
When she's away, take one of the legs off the bed and break it.
So that she comes back, the bed's out a weird angle.
Actually, Jake, this leads me.
This is great.
Okay.
I think we're going to have to set up a chitty-chitty-bang-bang.
Which is?
Which is he goes up there when she's not there,
and he really loosens the screws on the bed.
So that when the squeaky machine happens, we chitty-chitty-chitty-bang, the legs drop.
That way, it gives you a new heightened in, Zach.
What the hell was that?
And then you can sort of be like, look.
No, the second half of this is going to be bad after you said love.
Go, go, go, jump in.
But if you set up a bed break.
Well, Zach, your thoughts.
I feel like that could work.
I had a similar idea, but I feel like all that's going to happen is it would fall back on me to fix the bed or replace it.
Well, it probably would.
Yeah.
But what we could do in fixing it is take the squeak out.
That's true.
So then there's also...
It gets you a chance to, look, we're not...
You can't tell a 25-year-old not to make Willpeed in her home.
It's not like you're hearing the moaning.
No, but he's hearing the...
Well, he knows...
Are you?
I'm avoiding the proximity, so...
I'm sure if I got close, I might be able to.
Interesting.
So there's no...
How old are your kids?
7, 5, and 2.
Why don't you get me...
Are you full-time alone with the kids?
50-50.
50, okay.
Question for you.
When...
the two-year-old whose memory, can she talk?
Yeah.
Why don't you ask the two-year-old to ask her one day?
Why is your bed so squeaky?
Or room so nice.
That's pretty good idea.
Right?
Because the way you could do it is let her go in there one day and say,
you could jump in the bed, and then she jumps onto the bed,
and then go in there and go like, really squeaky, huh?
And she'll go, yeah.
Then later you say.
you should go ask her why her bed is so squeaky and say you hear it squeaking all the time when
she's in there with her boyfriend.
Because if a two-year-old says it, you're going to go, oh, you want to know, we're doing
in there, we're just playing.
And then she's going to go, my fucking two-year-old is hearing this.
This is a nightmare.
And then that's not embarrassing because it's a kid.
And the kid, you just frame it in a way where you're having her ask a really funny question.
And just ask her those questions.
Like, it's not like a two-year-old's getting to lay.
I'm doing this because my dad went on a podcast.
No.
Take about a two-year-old.
If you could feed the two-year-old minds.
Got the brain of a dog.
Got the brain of a dog.
I wouldn't feel bad doing this to my dog.
That's true.
Yeah, I don't know if the two-year-old would be able to remember it,
but the middle child might be able to.
also not wrap me out.
So the five, but here's what you don't want to do to the five-year-old.
Don't say that I told you.
We don't want to put any weirdness on it.
But if you could say, if somehow the game would be, in my opinion, Zach, is tricking the five-year-old into thinking it was her question.
And she's going to get to the bottom of it.
Okay.
Because if she goes like this, my dad asked or if she's thinking, I'm not allowed to tell my
dad and she's trying to hold in a lie, not worth it.
That's a good point.
What do you think, exactly?
Where's your head at?
I feel like that could definitely solve the squeakiness.
If there were any other sounds, like thumping, like maybe the headboard hitting the wall,
how would I handle that?
Same thing with the kids jumping on the bed?
I got a pitch.
Go ahead.
Why don't you, okay, when she's gone,
move the bed a little bit
take a
I can already tell Jake's
not going to enjoy where I'm going
but where the headboard
meets the wall
like it does it have posts or is it a headboard
uh it's a headboard
but it has like the it has corners
correct okay
I want you to when she's gone
move the bed a little bit
and you're this this is going to get
cleaned up but you take a hammer
and you kind of tap into the drywall a little bit.
And you give it a pound on each part of it,
and you get dust to drop there.
So it looks like the headboard is creating the problem.
And then a few days later, you'll say,
hey, I had to go in your room for something.
I noticed that the headboard is starting to kind of go through the wall a little bit.
I guess it's from movement.
But if you could try to limit that,
I'm going to come in and kind of patch the walls up.
Garrett, that's so embarrassing.
But it's a, I mean,
listen, that's like,
Gareth, that's the equivalent of saying, like,
as I was cleaning your sheets,
I noticed a wet spot near the genital areas of the sheet.
If you could please not do the wetting of the areas
near your genitals,
I'd greatly appreciate it because it does soak through to the matrix.
All right, I got another pitch.
Go ahead.
I've got to keep swinging.
Hire a maid for the day.
Get a maid, make sure she, hold it.
Hold on. Make sure she knows the maids coming in, right?
Oh, we're getting a maid tomorrow, whatever.
The maid comes in, and you're going to say that the maid said
there's a lot of dust from the drywall under the bed.
I'm going to go to you, Zach.
What do you think about this hiring a maid
or creating a hole in the drywall pitch?
I think it could work.
And then I would have to just patch it up.
I don't know if she would correlate the two, to be honest with you.
And you might just knock a hole in drywall and patch it.
remain neutral.
I got to be honest.
I got to be honest.
I like Jake's,
I got to be honest,
I'm really into the chitty,
chitty,
bang, bang.
I think the next time
that he's coming over,
that you,
you're, I mean,
is he coming over every night?
About three times a week.
Okay.
So the next time that you hear
that you have a definitive
he's coming over and she leaves the house,
you go get that,
goddamn Allen wrench and you go up there and you loosen the shit.
But no, no, it's not to break though, Gareth.
This is where we're different.
I would, first of all, Zach, is it the kind of mattress that you can loosen the legs or
the backboard?
I'm not sure, maybe.
Because if it is, I'm not loosening until break.
I'm loosening so that it gets even louder.
I'm loosening so we chitty, chitty, bang, there's a bang, and then he's able to
to be like, look, that was fucking crazy.
What you do in your time is your business?
He doesn't want that confrontation.
But he's not confronting her about fucking.
He's confronting her.
I mean, he's softly confronting about fucking.
Zach, where are you at here?
Because I'm not going to argue with Gareth if you're liking it.
If you're looking for the bed to break in order to give you an excuse to confront,
we could go down that road.
But I need you to try in here.
Yeah, I feel like the kid route might be better.
because they kind of look up to her as an older sibling.
Okay.
And so there is the other version because now,
do you mind the confrontation or do you not want a confrontation?
I don't mind it, but I feel like as an uncle,
we've got a pretty decent relationship since we're close enough in age
that I'm trying to avoid that side of it.
Okay, so we're looking to go away from that talk at all.
I think so.
I was saying that to Gerrith.
too.
I just thought maybe
he would hear
the chitty-chitty-chid-bang-bang.
I know you really want
shitty-chid-chis-bang-bang and so do
want.
It's got bang-bang at the end,
which I think we've kind of just glossed over
how kismet that is,
but go ahead.
I agree.
Okay.
Have a good call, Zach.
Well, you're still part of it here.
Never going to stop talking.
What an empty threat.
You guys figure this out.
An empty threat from either of us.
I'll just remain.
quiet. I'll let you handle this one.
My empty threat is I'll remain neutral.
You know what this is? This is two surgeons over an open body, like, trying to figure it out.
And sometimes there's-
Who didn't go to med school.
Who, like, have watched a lot about med school?
Not a lot.
They watched E.R a couple times, honestly.
One of them probably played a doctor.
And then the bodies, there's like, there's just a pulse that's slowly increasing.
And we're starting to get a little more heightened handing each other,
utensils and then when the other one makes
a cut it's like well that's going to fuck the whole thing up
so Zach
what zone do you want to go down here
we've given a few roads but in order
to really start painting this painting
I think we need a little bit from you sir
I think going down the kid route
might be best
they they will
I think they'll be decent actors
and I won't make a big deal about it being a secret
and I think she would listen
to them. Okay, and how would you go about doing it? What's your game plan?
They do like to go into her room when she's not home and just see if she's in there. So maybe
I can lead them in there. They can be silly and jump on the bed and I could make a comment
about how wobbly and squeaky it is. Fun. Okay, great. And then how are you going to lead
that to getting them to ask her? Will you do us a favor? Will you do it as a favor? Will you
do both voices, will you do you and your kids to give us a sense of how this is going to go down?
Okay, let me see.
The performance of the kids does not need to be excellent.
Okay.
Hey guys, let's go see if your niece is home.
We'll jump on in, see what she's doing in the room.
Okay, let's go in.
Oh, it doesn't look like she's here, but, hey, we could jump on the bed really quick.
Okay.
All right, we have one of your guys climb on up there?
Whoa.
That sure is.
That's squeaky, isn't it?
That's pretty loud.
You can hear it hitting the wall, too.
Oh, yeah, it is kind of squeaky.
Huh.
Maybe we should say something to her when she gets home,
just to let her know how loud it is and that, you know,
we can hear it in the other rooms.
This is great.
Oh, yeah, we should try that.
And I feel like I'll probably have to remind them.
Like you said, man.
But a reminded is really easy
because then you could also go,
you could gaslight a little bit and go,
didn't you want to bring something up to her?
That's a good point.
They might just stare at me blankly.
And then go, Abontas can keep back?
There you go.
I think I might sell it.
You can even prep it when you have a second.
By the way, your kid voice was phenomenal.
I agree.
Very good.
I liked both performances.
I found it very enjoyable.
I could have longer.
Yeah.
I like that.
I mean, unfortunately, this does scream for, again, not saying pay the tab, but I am saying you really could include us in this process a lot.
I would love to hear the videos.
There's a lot of off-mike work that I think could be very beneficial, not only to you, but to the show a little bit here, Zach.
So if you could record maybe on an audio file, the squeaky bed talking to the kids about how we can kind of bring this up.
that might be a very enjoyable curtain peeling for us, if possible.
I can do that.
Okay.
Hey, Zach, please follow up with us.
We're very interesting.
Get that part for sure.
And then the timing-wise, you're going to have to figure out.
But I definitely think, you know, prep them.
I would love to hear the kids.
I would love to hear you.
I would love to hear you.
I'm on voice.
No, you talking to them about it and hearing those boxes.
Getting the kids ready for the show is going to be probably the meat of this whole situation here.
All right.
Yeah, I can definitely do that.
They're used to me recording silly videos with them, so I'm sure they won't think anything of it.
When are you going to start doing this?
Hopefully this week, man.
I'm trying to get my living room back.
Just be able to watch some TV.
I think that sounds fair.
All right.
Well, go get them, Zach, and keep us posted, and please record it.
Please.
Don't be one of these ones that we just don't hear.
from again. Please come back to us, baby.
Absolutely. Thank you guys for the help. All right, buddy.
See, but. Thanks.
Take care.
Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow-up from episode 300,
Gen Italia.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi. Who is this? It's a follow-up.
Hi. I am a follow-up. I'm a follow-up. I'm a follow-up. I'm a follow-up.
one, I'm genitalia, the one that called you guys to get to create a tattoo for me.
Oh my God, yes.
She was going to get a tattoo because your dad died.
Oh, right.
Last in studio.
Right?
Yeah, yeah.
And it's fitting that it's food related.
Yes.
And your dad was in Italian and it was going to be spaghetti based.
Yep.
And I don't remember the genitalia part.
Yep.
Oh, I said, first of my.
Not on my genitalia.
Right.
Oh, yes, the only part of genitalia.
It's not fun.
That's right.
It was a call and everything dropped out.
We just heard, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Genitalia.
And Garith and I were both like, yes.
Okay.
Stop recording.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm literally interested in a real way.
I'm going to take this call in the car, Natalie.
This is awesome.
This is cool.
This is awesome.
Are there photos?
This is amazing.
This is our job.
Oh, now, genitalia.
What's your problem?
Oh, your father passed.
That's tough.
Okay, so what does you say?
Where did you get to do you before?
Hey, keep saying.
So keep going, take over.
How did we end?
What did we say?
What did you do?
Where are you at?
Floor's your.
Yeah, so I created some images for you guys to take a look at.
I sent them in.
I'm not sure if you're able to have a look at the couple that I sent in.
But so you have not at this point.
Another color crashed our server earlier.
You have not at this point tattooed anything.
No.
Okay.
I love it.
Tell me your first name again.
Jenny.
Jessica, I was, my nickname was poopie.
We kind of lost it that a little bit from my.
That's right, Jessica.
All right, Jessica.
Let's see these images.
Okay.
Beautiful.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
So your father was Nicola.
Yeah.
I love that tattoo.
And so this is great.
So for anyone just listening, there's some basil.
It's like some pasta in the shape of a heart.
And we've got some sauce at the bottom.
And then your father's name.
the O is a meatball per the pitch,
and it just says your father's name inside the pasta heart,
and it says Nicola.
It's very nice.
Jessica, where would you get this?
Genitalia.
I was thinking arm or legs.
As a lady with a lot of tattoos,
what do you think, Jesse?
That is the daddest shit you've ever done.
We made out of...
We loved it.
That is so funny.
That is such a good bit.
That is
I had to show my age first
I'm looking at dad tattoos
Old Italian dad jokes
That rope ad dope was perfect
As a woman with a lot of tattoos
What do you think?
Yeah I think it'll go
I mean it's small
Where do you think it should go on her bod?
I don't know I have to see her body
To be able to know
Now that's good
Produce it, baby.
Well, you heard Natalie.
You heard the producer.
That was neither of the men.
If you have an open spot on your arm that has more tattoos around it, I would probably put it with others.
Yeah.
That's what I was thinking.
I have a sweet little spot on both my arms.
I just have to choose which one.
That's cool.
I'm going meaning towards arms.
Okay.
So that's one.
Let's the option number Doge.
Oh, okay.
We're seeing the second option here.
Very similar.
except the pasta
is the spaghetti's in the middle of the heart.
It looks like a chicken meatball to me.
It kind of looks like a fancy dish,
but it's still a heart.
It says Nicola, no meatball-oh,
which I'm going to be honest, I like.
Me too.
But it's similar.
I'll say this.
I'm more one than two.
I am two.
Okay, can we see the third option?
Okay, third option, very similar.
This time it's...
I'm more one than three.
Yeah, I'm...
So far, one.
I like the meatball.
Here's what you're missing.
It just says the name with a little bit of meat sauce.
The meat sauce looks like cherry sauce.
I'm a pass on this.
Yeah, the meatballs's in the corner.
It looks like the basil's growing out of it.
It says, Nicole.
This one's confusing.
It does.
Like the way the penny is like the holes are at the time.
The holes are weird.
Yeah, the holes are weird.
It also doesn't look like the meatball.
It looks like a pile of shit.
Everything on this one's terrible.
Jake's really turning on the meatball this one.
That was a chicken meat.
One is excellent.
One is great.
The meatball being a pile.
Is it only the three?
Yeah.
You know, Jessica, this is a trick people do in Hollywood when you test for a show.
They put sometimes three actors up to the studio and the network to decide.
And what they do is a lot of times they put the one they want up.
And then they show two other meatballs that they don't want.
For some of us who weren't aware of this tactic in the business, Jessica, it's a tough thing to hear.
But keep going.
I've been both.
I've been in the middle of a test
being like,
you're literally looking at your phone.
Mitch,
who had this story with Will Arnett
when he booked Job.
He goes into the waiting room.
He goes, you got it.
And then he looks over
and the other actors are sitting there
and he's like, I mean,
all of you.
Everybody's,
this is going to be great.
It's without question, the first one.
Oh, Jesse said there's a fourth.
Oh, there's a fourth.
Hang on, hang on.
Hold on.
We're going to see one more, Jess.
But I think it's going to be hard.
to beat one. One's really good. And that's the same colors you're going to do?
Yeah, but I was thinking color. I love it. It looks right short. It looks 50s. It looks
Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And I think Jake's right. The meatball.
Oh, that's interesting, isn't it? That is interesting. Four just got on the game. So this is
the pasta is all over the background. The Nicola's in the middle. The meatball. The only problem
with this one is it looks like the meatballs has been murdered. It looks like it would not do this one.
It's a dead body and the marineros sauce looks like the blood coming out of the dead meatball.
I'm leaning with Nat Attack.
I'm going one.
Final answer.
I'm ready to lock it in, Gareth.
Yeah, lock in one.
I think one's the one.
Jesse?
Okay.
Nat attack.
That's what I was leaning more towards, too.
Yeah.
Number one is good.
Four, that's not going to translate.
No.
Yeah.
And also, that much pasta in the heart is very busy.
It's going to hurt like, fuck.
Yeah.
So, Jess, we are.
are all locking in on one.
What do you say?
Perfect.
That's the one I was leaning towards as well.
So that's great.
What arm? Let's talk really fast.
You're thinking right arm, left arm?
And when?
And when?
And I got a couple of questions about arm.
And let's find the position we're going to put this on your body.
I wanted to be a spot I can see.
So I'm thinking my inner arm, there's a sweet spot like great right there.
Okay, so you're talking about like the bicep in arm, the lower half near the bottom.
Think about as we age in that area gets a little bit more flappity flap.
Those noodles in your 60s and 70s, if it's there, that's going to be gross.
Yeah, if you let your arms become noodles, it's going to be a whole weird dude.
No matter what happens at a certain point, that's going to sag.
At the bottom of the arm is going to turkey neck a little bit.
And again, for some of us who have tattoos on our inner bicep, this again is tough to hear.
There's a lot of tough revelations.
You don't want with the turkey neck, you don't want those noodles in that red sauce dripping down your arm.
Let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, she's going to be by her elbow.
The bottom is going to be by her elbow.
Look, here, here's the move. Just never say come this way.
And you can avoid this problem, because that is, there's no way it's going to be that way.
She wants to read it.
So, just.
She wants to see it.
So, tell us the position.
Where is the bottom of the heart going to be on your arm?
The bottom would be kind of like where the crevice of the arm is,
like where you get blood tests, but for the bottom.
Okay, I hear what you're saying.
I was wrong.
I saw what you saw.
This way.
Oh, Christ.
Yeah, okay.
Is that a recall a tattoo?
That is some saggy shit.
You're talking about it starts of the middle arm goes south,
ends where you draw blood.
That's a beautiful tattoo.
I like it.
Yeah.
You going left arm or right arm?
It's also nice that at the bottom, the sauce is where the blood will come out.
I mean, it's a little meta, but.
Oh.
Yeah.
Are you going right arm or left arm?
Right arm.
Great.
When are you doing this?
I have an appointment book next week.
So next week.
And you remember our deal about when this tattoo's on your arm?
I did.
Yeah.
Time to stop.
the grieving period has ended.
Yeah, it's over.
You've entered a new phase.
Yeah, you get my spark back.
And when you have moments where you're like,
I miss my daughter.
Yeah.
Life goes on, baby girl.
You can't sit around in a puddle and cry.
You can't sit around in a bowl of Boston cry your whole life, honey.
That's Berg's job.
And it's really, there is the moment when that two gets on your arm.
Whenever you're sad, you touch it, and you move on.
Exactly. That's the whole point of it, too, is to give me a little smile.
I think that, Jess, I think you're in very good shape.
Gareth, you got anything you want to say?
No, I think it's very nice, and I think it looks great.
So go get them and then keep us posting.
I will.
I'll send pictures.
And I actually wanted to say one thing, like speaking of smiles, too.
I know that there's been a lot of comments lately, like some negative comments going around.
But you guys are absolutely awesome.
You make tons of people happy, tons of people laugh clearly,
and that's what this whole thing was about.
So, yes, I appreciate your time.
So those most of those who weren't aware of all the negative comments,
this has been a third revelation on the call that's tough to hear.
The one last thing before we go, little lady,
take us out with a good goodbye.
Jesse, the floor is yours.
Little lady, what do we go?
Yeah, little lady, please the call for us.
Jessica, what do you got?
I take us out. You know what? Do us one quick favor.
Okay.
This is going to be a turn. I don't know how it's going to work.
You got a funny story about your dad, one of those legendary dad stories, something he did that's ridiculous that you think about.
And you go like, oh, my God, he was the best.
I have a ton, yeah. I have one I can think of that comes to mind.
Yeah. You want to share it?
Sure. Sure.
There was one time that he was complaining about his glasses.
driving around everywhere.
He's like, I can see, I can see what's going on.
And then he ended up going to the comiturist, I think it's called, the glasses,
the glasses, and he realized that there was no lenses in his glasses.
They popped out by after the whole time he was driving everywhere.
Old gentlemen with no glasses.
That is so fucking funny.
It's a great one.
That is so funny.
Very good.
My glasses are broken.
Yeah, they are.
No, I can't see.
My eyes are broken.
They're terrible.
No, sir.
You're scrored me.
I want him on my money back
Jessica, thank you for the call.
Go get them. Keep us posted.
Thank you. Love you guys so much.
Thank you.
Just want to mention that all new episodes
are released a day early on Hulu.
Yep.
We are also having our back catalog
is going to be on Hulu.
We're going to be about 20 at a time.
So if you have not checked us out on Hulu,
then check us out on Hulu.
Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies?
No, and you can get season one, season two.
We're going to have a nice melange on Hulu,
but the day early.
I mean, there's a lot of advantages.
Here's another thing.
People going, well, I don't have Hulu.
You got YouTube?
Because we're there, too.
Yeah. Hulu, a day early.
YouTube for Straglers.
And also, you go, I don't have that.
Well, we got Patreon.
Yeah.
And they go, I don't have that.
What do you want?
Yeah, okay, Jake.
We're trying to be inclusive
and you're yelling at them,
but I think you're right.
It's just, look.
Watch this show anywhere.
There's a lot of options, okay?
Hulu's early.
Hulu's early.
Audio day of, YouTube day of,
Patreon, no ads.
Here's the way to remember it.
Hulu,
new, so Nulu.
It's not the way to remember.
They also have back catalog stuff.
Okay, then that,
that we call...
Yeah, all right, it's falling apart.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.
If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com.
And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com
to hear to help pod to see our entire catalog.
We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers,
Bob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler.
The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecky.
And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com.
Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only,
and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.
That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.
What's up everybody?
I'm Kyle Mooney.
And what's up everybody?
I'm Beck Ben.
And man, oh, we got something to tell you.
Oh, yeah, we definitely do.
Yes, it's a brand new podcast on HeadGum.
That's right.
And it's called What's Our Podcast?
Yep.
And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast she'd be about.
Yeah, we don't.
So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about and then we try it.
Yep.
Guests like Mark Maren, Jack Black, Bernie Brooskey, Cape, Lan.
Bobby Moynihan.
Meg Stalter and Tim Balls.
Landon Axler.
Jory.
Joni McGreeze.
And Dender.
And Dender.
New episodes release every Wednesday.
So subscribe to what's our podcast.
On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms.
Yeah.
I'm going to go do it right now.
