We're Here to Help - 313: This Is Fish, This Is Family, This Is Wonderful

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

Jake and Gareth brush up on Fish Law to settle an old score. Then, they turn a best boy into a best man.See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-313 Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Not live, but whatever. I mean, it doesn't matter. You're looking sharp. You're looking sharp, G.R. No, you are. You are.

The tight black tea looking good. You know, they're getting tighter. I don't know what's happening. You're getting stronger, big daddy. Better, my guy. Neither way. The sausage tastes delicious. The bigger the better.

I'll tell you what my casings are tight. I'm getting stuffed, baby. Nice and fat. No, you know, it's like there are times where I will, I just get home and I'm like, now it's time to get in shape. And then I'll just get fatter. And then I'll go be about to go on the road because I'm about to go on the road for the movie tour.

Oh, right. And I'll be like, I'm going to get, now I'm going to rock it on the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And sometimes I do it. What is this movie tour? Tell me in this great audience about what's happening. Jake, we are taking the movie, give it up, which you are a part of too, on a, you know, just a light little tour. We're going to cities.

I'm going to open the show before the movie talk about it a little. then Kyle and I will do a Q&A after. By the time this comes out, you can see it in San Diego, Santa Fe, Denver, Chicago, New York, Philly, Raleigh, Atlanta, and Nashville. Fun way to do it. Just take it to the people directly. Yeah.

And hopefully they start buying tickets to it more and more. Well, here's the reality, Gareth. They're getting a setup from you at the beginning, a Q&A at the end. Yes. And I know you, that setup at the beginning is going to have some material in it. You're damn right, it well. You're going to give them, what, 15 to 20 minutes at the top of the show?

Yep. And then the Q&A, you're going to be on fire. Then a movie. A good movie. And then realistically, during that Q&A, if I know you, you're going to use that as a chance to go back and forth with the audience a little bit. Absolutely. You get a bunch of laughs and Cal's going to be giggling and you're going to be running wild. That sounds about right.

So they're not only seeing the movie, they're seeing a live show. But I'm excited because I've seen the movie on the big screen two times. And you know this. I mean, you watch something with an audience. It's different. It's different. It's better. It's better than.

Yeah. I will say this in terms of that. We did the premiere of Dink the other night. And I love the movie. I find it so fun. And I'm having a really new. as it's coming out. You know, with anything you do that goes to the world,

and we talk about it playfully with this podcast a lot, but there's responses both positive and negative. Yes. I'll tell you, man, because I just watched it with Josh and Sean and my wife was there, and we were a bunch of friends, and we were all laughing and having fun, and I experienced it for what we wanted it to be, I couldn't care less about the negative comments.

Well, review, like right now we're, you know, 75 online thread. Yeah, so like, it's all positive. But when somebody will have a take that's negative, not one part of me is getting mad. I'm going like, I don't care. But I'd text you this the other night.

What it is is you made a great sports comedy that felt like it was from a different era. And it is. We wanted a traditional three-act structure. But I will say this. Yeah. Well, first of all, I mean, the scenes with Ben Stiller, I can't even imagine how cool that is. That's crazy.

I was dying laughing. But he's not on camera that much anymore. You know, he obviously is doing. And he's not doing bits like that very much. And so to get to be able to do that, it's so cool. But I will, this is what I will say too. I mean, I love the movie. And there's some friends of show in the movie, all that.

You know, you're going to see some familiar folks. But I really like the way it ended. I was like, I really liked that culmination to where we know where we're going. And when we get there and those last 20 minutes in a sports movie to still be a little unsure of what's going to happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And find it. I thought it was really, like the landing got stuck big time. I thought there are some phenomenal performance.

performances in it. It's just great. It's great. So speaking of landing the plane and or not landing the plane, it's a great Steve Berg cookoff occurred. Steve Berg. Star of Dink. Steve Berg lost.

The more time that has passed, his chicken parm has gotten less delicious in memory. True or false? True. Airpan food. No. But we, me, you, him, and Amy just had a breakthrough this morning, and we are going to have him go through Rocky-style training.

It feels like we opened the Strait of Hormuz together this morning. There was a tense negotiation. But holy shit did it come. So Steve Berg is going to get coached and learn how to make a delicious meatloaf, and he's going to have to go against the cheapest microwaveable. meatloaf you can get from the frozen food section. That's round one. Then him, he's going to take his versus that microwave and prepare him, blind taste test with

people. Yes, that's round two. Once he beats that level, then go to like a vans. Get the cooked meatloaf where you could buy it to go. Yeah. Yeah, like, you know, when you're like, I don't care what I put in my body. I'll get this. He's got to beat that.

You go like this. Do you want those like weird potato fries things, those crisping? You're like the wedges? Yeah. Sure. I know they're husks. And they go, how many and you go, what is it coming? And they said, pound, half, and you go, Jesus Christ, give me half a pound of potatoes? Pound.

Do you do pound? Look at the shirt. Garrett, so do I. Of course. Gareth, look at me asking. Do you do bone? We're like, come on, big boy. Half a pound.

You're not fooling anybody. Half a pound's for the car ride home. Then you get home, he'd finish the pound. Burgotron's got to beat that. Yeah. If he beats that, then he goes to Whole Foods. Then he beats a Whole Foods meatloaf. And once he does that...

Restaurant. He can beat any old restaurant in Omaha. And look, if you're a restaurant owner in Omaha, you want to challenge him, maybe we'll pick your place. We want him to have the reps. But then he... But do you want to say where it's going, or should we hold on to that? Yeah.

Because we don't know. Because we don't know. There's an endpoint here that's tastier than his chicken parm. Anything? I can't do this. By the way, our human ratings on Patreon we heard today, people rating us as people, and it's not good. Nobody likes Gareth and I anymore. Now, I'll tell you who does like us, the people that we're helping on this show across this country and this world.

So without further ado. some ads. Should I snap? And we are also brought to you by the great function health. Function health, okay? We're talking about health all the time. I mean, August, for God's sakes, it's National Wellness Month. Should be every month, but here we are.

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Hey, how's he going? This is Bill. Calls from Alexandria. What's up, Big Daddy? Woo! Okay, Bill. Okay, Bill, keep going. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Okay. What did you say with Sample? It's okay. It's hot as a goddamn son out here, Jack. Yeah, it is hot. Jake is high as a kite. Go ahead, Bill.

So I'm calling about my grandfather's large mounted sailfish that previously my brother's girlfriend had called in. We made a nautical bathroom. Yes, the nautical bathroom that she didn't want. Now she doesn't want to get back to me. And I would just like. right. A chance to share my story. Well, and then what happened was then they did that,

and then they were like, you wanted the Marlin back, right? Is that what it was? That is correct, because me and my brother had an agreement that I would give him the fish because me and my wife moved into an apartment that we no longer had space for the fish. Sure, because it's huge. We're looking at it right now. Yeah.

See, it's about like a little over six feet. Yes. It's crazy. All right, man, take over. Let's hear your whole story. And don't be afraid to start from the beginning. Absolutely. Yeah.

So when my grandmother was moving out of her house, she was giving away items in the house that were of sentimental value to the family. Sure. And I asked for the large sailfish that my grandfather had caught that had been wall-mounted because I wanted to put it on my own wall. And so I took it, drove it down. from Massachusetts. My dad drove it down to bring to me down to D.C. And I mounted it in the in on the main wall in my apartment, um, where I was

living with my then girlfriend, current wife. Um, and we grew to love that fish. Current wife, current wife. We grew to love that fish. Uh, we named it best, um, as our, uh, my brother's girlfriend. Yeah, it is my fish. Sure. Okay. I'm glad you say that. Right now, I have forgotten a lot of the backstory. I'm totally out of my mind on this fucking junk. But this fish is yours, brother. I appreciate you saying that. Well, Bill, you're not talking to Jake right now, but keep going.

Jake left the building a little while ago, but keep going. Yeah, so this was around 2019, around 2022. Me and my wife moved into a house. Currently. A historic row house in D.C., and we didn't have the... and weren't allowed to mount the fish onto a wall in that house. That was a rule at the apartment? Yeah.

We just, uh, the, the wall wouldn't support it. And we didn't want to, we weren't allowed to drill into the brick wall. Okay. Um, and so, your brother gets the marlin. My brother got the marlin, but we made the agreement that should me and my wife move into a new space that had, uh, enough room for the marlin on the wall, he would give it back to us. Okay. And this was 2019? This was 2020.

This was 2022. Okay. So in last summer, me and my wife moved to a house that had enough space for the fish to be mounted in a very prominent space. Bring home the phone. Right at the entrance of the house. Yeah. So the centerpiece of the home. Okay.

Keep going. And we asked for the fishback and my brother's girlfriend, Meredith and my brother have kind of just been dodging us. I believe when she called in The in-law. But since- Not even blood. Yeah.

Since, well, blood and... But what's your brother doing? He's, you're the guy you made to deal with. So, but since them, I know, yeah. They made a nautical bathroom based around our pitches and that fish. And ain't their fish.

So what's your brother doing? He's, they're just dodging my repeated request for the fish back. Do you live in the same city? How far apart are you two? So I'm over in Alexandria just across the river, and he's in D.C. Okay, so not too far.

How often do you guys see each other? We see each other about once a month. In terms of anger, I'm going to ask you a question here. Ten is this is going to be a duel and it's going to end in violence. Zero is who gives a shit. Where are you at for real? I put myself at a seven and I put my wife at a nine. Oh, shit.

This is getting real. And where is your brother and his girlfriend? They are still in the apartment No, I mean, zero to ten in your guess Oh, they probably, I don't know They're pretty angry I'd say they're like a six But they're just dodging the question

And so what have you up to this point done By the way, great job, Steve Rowan And let that be a lesson to everybody Listening to this show There are times where the junk gets on top of me Jake's going to be going away for a couple months after this episode just so everyone knows. And so...

I don't even know what I got in my mouth anymore. That's a crazy man sentence. Wait, I don't think they actually made the bathroom. I'm looking at the old emails. And this picture that's on the wall is the compromise they made. So they don't even have... They don't have a bathroom. They don't even have a bathroom.

They don't have anything else on the walls. Yeah. They have one thing hung up and it's a Marlon. And so what have you... What's the most direct approach? where are we at? And I remember now here and there's two people here. Yeah, we have them waiting to come in. Oh, we have the brother at the, whoa.

Yeah, the sister-in-law. And you know that the sister-in-law is here too, correct? What's everything that you know? We have surprised people in the past. It's gone sideways. So tell me your name again. Bill. Billie. What do you know? Do you know that the sister-in-law's here? I do know. I assume she'd be hearing you guys mentioned.

try to get her on. And what have you guys discussed up to this point? What are we walking into here, Bill? I mean, so the biggest thing is that she never talked to us about her desire to keep the fish. The only reason we found out about it is because my buddy flagged your podcast for me, of which she called in saying she didn't want to get the fish back. Oh, that's how you heard about this. That's, that's how I heard.

Bill, this is incredible. And then you and your wife listened together? Yes, we did. And your wife just stood. My wife was pissed. Give me some direct lines. Yeah. She said, that fish is ours.

I was the one that named Beth. I want that fish back on my wall now. Wow. And you're dealing with that. Now, when was the last time you talked? You're fucking on the grill, brother. When was the last time you talked to your sister-in-law? So we, I used to see her around.

Do you understand? Once a month every year, there's two months, and we bring out the fish every time. Okay. But it's tense. Yeah. Okay. Here's what I'm worried about, Gareth.

Yeah, I hear you. This is going to be potentially explosive. Yeah. I'm gone mentally. Yeah, yeah. You left, have you been? When was the last time you were here, you think? I don't remember any calls.

All right. So I'm going to run point on this. Is that good for us? I think it's our only option. Good luck, brother. And I think that, I mean, you've become stone cold Steve Austin. Stop pointing to Jesse with your weird dislocated fingergun. That's my guy.

Stop. So we're going to bring in your sister-in-law. What's her name? Meredith. All right. We're going to bring in Meredith. You guys are going to talk. Let's hear from her.

And then we'll hear from you. Am I putting Bill in the waiting room? Do you want a moment with Meredith? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Bill, I'm going to put you back in the waiting room for a few minutes.

Great work, though, Bill. Okay. And then we'll bring you back in to get. together once we get Meredith's recap. Hey, Meredith. Hi. Hey, how are you? I'm good.

How are you guys? Good. Listen, we've been digging back into the Marlin world a little bit. And you still have the Marlin from what we understand, right? We do. We still have that. Where is this situation at right now? But know that we've got Billy in the waiting room.

He goes by Billy. now. You guys are friends with them. That, that frightens me. Meredith, don't do this. Don't you do this to us. Yeah, we're friends with Billy. Stop it. I got to caveat this a little bit. If Jake seems strange, he is. So

Meredith, where are we at right now? We know that you have the Marlin. We know that Bill, Billy boy, and his wife, they want the Marlin, and you all are holding on to the Marlin. Where are you in the midst of this plot right now?

I see that differently. Also, you're on the phone with Caleb as well, my partners. So she's listening. The guy, her husband, her boy. But so, yeah, she's still here. And I guess Bill was like, we want her back. But they have not said that to me, like, personally. You know, I haven't gotten any phone.

Can I drop in? Can I drop in? Yeah. So here's what it's going to be presented to you and we're going to do it so that there's no conflict. This is not going to be an angry situation. It's his family. This is fish. This is wonderful.

That is the greatest title or merch pitch I've ever heard on this show. This is fish. This is wonderful. This is family. This is a fish. How much do you know about the deal Bill made with Caleb? Caleb. Oh, my God.

I do not know a ton only that it is verbal. I've tried getting more out of Caleb. He doesn't really remember a lot of it. But all he knows that it was verbal, nothing is written down. Okay. So who in your house is going to make the final thing? say about the fish. And the reason I ask you this is, is this really between Bill and Caleb? Is it between you and Bill as the lawyer right now? And you know, we just try to get contracts done.

So who's the one who's going to have final say in terms of negotiation? Because I'll tell you what I think it's going to come down to is that agreement and that conversation between Caleb and Bill, but I would like your opinion. I mean, I kind of think it's between all four of us. Bill and his wife, Katie, Caleb, myself. But I will say Caleb himself is a lawyer, so I'm kind of banking on him to, like, get in some window or something. So he's, he's there, too? Yeah.

I am. Yeah. What's up, brother? So, question for you before we bring Billy on. Do you remember the conversation you and Billy had about? his narrative about Beth that he was going to pass it on to you, but if they ever moved, that he would want the fish back.

Do you remember that? Vagely. Vagely. Let's bring Billy on. Why didn't you guys turn the bathroom into a nautical theme? The fish wouldn't fit? The fish wouldn't fit on the wall. Okay, thank you.

I'm probably to hang it from the ceiling. Okay. I got an idea to start this if you're okay with it. Let's let them talk it out with no moderation. for a little bit and see what happens. Okay. You just want to throw them in a box and close the lid and see what comes out. Family, this is fish.

This is wonderful. It sounds like an offshoot olive garden seafood restaurant slogan. This is family. This is fish. This is wonderful. Sea garden. This is family. This is fish.

This is wonderful. Like a hallmark script that nobody ever gave notes on. Billy, are you on? Oh, I'm back. Billy, you're on with your fam. Everybody say hello. Hi, Meredith. We all know the situation about Beth.

Billy, you want to start? I do. Meredith, we've had the conversation since we moved back into the house. We all know Cal's been dodging me. and just won't admit that he made an agreement with me to bring that fish. We're willing to come to you, take that fish off the wall and bring it back to its rightful home. When can we get the fish back? Meredith.

That's an old, dirty, dark shed. And you just forgot about her until, until somebody gets a fish basement and you're like, let's do it? Nope. We did not forget about her. We were not allowed to hang her up in our house. Therefore, we had to put her back in storage with the understanding that once we got space to bring her back out and get her on a wall, that would be the plan. I graciously agreed to let cow take the fish until we had such space, and now we do. And so I think we should get the fish back.

Caleb, your thoughts, brother. I don't know We have cared for it I had to put major holes in my walls to sit her into a tiny apartment And she is thriving In our humble abode And we don't

We've And it was never written down either I don't fully remember this full Where'd you go to Los Angeles I can't remember this Caleb you can't be a lawyer I didn't understand It was paperwork

Caleb, your vibe before you took the stand was very different. This family, this fish, this is wonderful. Caleb. You became me, Caleb, Caleb, but in all honesty, Caleb. He literally just said the equivalent of, I mean, it is family. It's fair. This is wonderful. It's why the income is looking like this.

I can't remember what the fuck is I said. I heard someone say this is wonderful in earnest. You like this wonderful. Caleb, I'm going to give you a second chance at that. Go really close to the phone. Let's do that again. Billy said you guys had a verbal agreement. For him, it seems very clean that he said, when we have space, we get it back.

You said agreed. In the meantime, you're like, but I'm going to hang it up. And he goes, great. Now he's got space. And he's saying, hey, based on our handshake brother agreement, it's time for it to come back. Your thoughts. I think that because she left Beth for dead in our garage and wait for the perfect house, I think its time is past. Three years are a long time to wait to reclaim death.

And I think we have a great claim that she is happy and should stay on our wall. Okay. I didn't realize there was a statute of limitations on fish. Well, you probably should have read the official all about it. Now, Caleb, you're being a catty little lawyer. But I do think Caleb brought up an interesting point. Which is? Yes, that was true.

But at a certain point, if I've been raising this thing for 10 years, it's my kid. At any point in that time where the fish was on Caleb and Meredith's wall, Bill, did you mention how you were excited to get the fish back once it was time? Absolutely. And I'm pretty sure any time my wife was ever at their apartment. she said, I can't wait to get that fish back. Do you, Caleb and Meredith, do you remember that? I remember is that I think you guys have only been over here one time to see Beth in her glory. And whenever she's brought up, it's always just in passing of like, oh, we miss Beth.

Oh, we'll try to get her. If there was never, you know, a text of, hey, when can we come over? This is the first time I think Will it said when can we come over to get her. Interesting. I've reached a number. Categorically call. Okay. But I think one thing I want to say, and I could be wrong on this.

Cut the fish in half? No. It sounds like the new owners feel a very personal connection to Beth. Yes. And they fear that Billy just sees Beth as wall decoration. Yes. That he believes is rightfully his. Well, and also, I think.

think there's something to the idea that now that Billy knows he can't have it. He wants it more. So he really does. So am I, is that, am I hearing that correctly from our current owners that you don't believe Billy actually cares about Beth? He just wants it because it's quote unquote his. And let's be honest, it was featured on a podcast. Your thoughts. Exactly. He wants it for the same. He wants it. He wants it. For the fame. Isn't that a disgusting thing to hear, Billy? Your thoughts on your behavior.

Billy, be honest. Is that part of it? No. I categorically remember when in the last time Meredith called in, she claimed that she was so attached to it, she was decorating it. I have photographic evidence from when we first got best of me and my wife decorating that fish for all the holidays.

We love that fish, and we want it back so we can continue to decorate it in our home. It is a member of our family. So now, Meredith, go ahead. You go. No, you go, please. I give Katie 100% credit for the vision. She was the founding mother of Beth's wardrobe,

dressing her up for holidays. However, he and Bill, again, put Beth in a dark garage where she was just left. She was not left with the Santa hat. There are only a limited amount of spaces you can store a six-foot sales. That's a storage room. Here's my only fear, M, is it sounds like the original mother was the one who started directed, putting clothes on it, caring for it, Billy was the original, we need to show

this thing off. Then they were in a situation where it was not legally allowed. So they, from their point of view, they lent it to you. until they moved into a bigger spot, then you guys adopted all of the stuff that they did to Beth originally. And it sounds like your guys' argument is, yeah, but you left Beth in storage.

Yeah. Therefore, you didn't value Beth. Now that Beth is a podcast celebrity, now you want Beth back, but it's, it's, you don't actually care, and we're not playing this game with you. The fish stays with us. You're a starfish, fuck.

That's what Jake's saying. Is that where you guys are fundamentally coming from? Yeah, that sounds about right. And who knows if it's really legal to have it in our place as well? But we just said, and they didn't take the risk. They could have thrown it on a brick wall, but they said, we don't care enough. So now that you have it, your vibe is kind of, you know, over my dead body. You're attached.

Exactly. Okay, Billy, when you hear that, We're not in the emotional state of this. We will pitch solutions. When you hear that argument, what does that make you think? Because, you know, I'm a flip-flopper. That's what I do on this show. I don't know where I stand.

So, Billy, where do you stand? I'm just disappointed that we're not getting our fish. Well, it's not. Not yet. We might end up doing so. We're taken away hurt feelings and pissed. We have to. This is family.

This is fish. This is wonderful. But we will get to a solution. It's most likely going to be a little bit absurd, a little bit ridiculous, but we will get there. There's going to be a winner. There's going to be a loser. But in terms of just the logic of this discussion, because you knew, Billy, this can never end with them saying, take it back. They also love Beth.

And what I think we've seen in the audience has seen is there's a lot of gray area to this, isn't it, Billy? Yeah. So when you hear their argument, what is your argument that it both? belongs to you. Is there anything new? And then everybody starts thinking about where you're at, because each person is going to get 60 seconds. I mean, we had a verbal agreement. We couldn't put the fish in a historic D.C. Roe house. And our agreement was we would get the fish back. We've been waiting for that fish. The first thing we did when we moved into this house, we identified the spot for Beth. Interesting. And you were just assuming you were going to get it.

Absolutely. Why would I not? We had a verbal agreement. Caleb, when you keep hearing this verbal agreement, what is the code of brothers? Because I'll tell you... As well as your lawyer. What do you think of that? But I will tell you in terms of Dan and I, we do have a code. We used to call it Our Little Secret as little boys. We were babysitting a kid. She pissed on the floor. Neither of us wanted to clean it. We moved a carp a little rug over it.

And he went, I go, should we tell the people? And he goes, our little secret? Can I tell you something? Last night my mother and I were channel surfing after the game shows and different strokes was on and I put it on and I told her about how when you were a kid you wanted to be called Arnold and you had a birthday party where you wanted everyone to call you Arnold, she could not get over it. So going to hearing all of that, Caleb, in terms of your brother's code in terms of everything,

turns of being a lawyer, how do those pants fit? Well, brother's code, I sympathize. Like, we both said some things. But legally, this is worth a lot. I'm just saying. This is probably worth $4,500. You said $4,500? I'm just saying.

I don't like that. I don't like that, Caleb. You're not going to get money out of this, Caleb. Caleb, I'm not, Caleb, hold on. I don't care about the cash value. Caleb, listen, I'm not trying to tear you down while you're on the stand here, my guy. But the dollar value on the fish, that's not hard, my man. That's wallet.

It feels like maybe Beth, I know you're just saying, but it feels like maybe Beth is a little more of a value prize to you. Whereas I feel like Bill and his wife are talking about they got a place on the wall. You know what I mean? They could have sold it before they put it in the storage unit. Meredith, jump in. I think what we were trying to say is that anything of like that monetary value should be written down. Oh, okay. I got you.

Can I ask you too a favor, Meredith and Caleb? Can one of you take a picture of the Marlin right now so we can see what you're kind of doing with it right now? Like a picture right now? Because in the picture we have up on the screen, you know what I mean? It's just kind of a fish on a wall in a hallway. I do have a pitch. I do too. You do?

Yeah. You want to go first? No, go ahead. I would like to hear yours if you don't mind. My pitch is that, unfortunately, I'm not going to, my pitch is we don't solve this right now. My pitch is we can reconvene. They each shark tank us, Marlon tank. They come in with an upgrade as far as what Beth's life is going to be, what the wall art is going to be, what the situation is going to be.

And we're going to, at the end of that, pick one of them. So it's really going to be a, what are you going to turn this into so that Beth has the best existence? Because I think that's getting lost in a lot of this. So I've got a question for, I'm going to call them OG and I'm going to call them new parents. So Billy, you and your wife are going to be OGs. I understood. What do you guys think of the OG idea of coming back and what are we calling it, Marlon Tank? Marlon Tank.

Marlon Tank. And you guys, everybody's going to have a fair chance as a couple to present their argument. And then we have the audience vote. Yeah, that's great. You know, I don't hate that idea. Okay. Would you, if it goes sideways, would you be able to accept it, squash the bad feelings and go back to good feelings with family and accept

the loss if the audience says it's a loss for you. You know, I'm very pro-democracy, so I can accept the vote. I love that answer, brother. I like that too, and I will say that we are now getting an updated picture, and the Marlin does look like it's being utilized in a better way. What are we seeing for the people driving? We're seeing the Marlin now has some sunglasses on the nose, the sword nose. It's got some beads around where, I guess,

the neck would be, and it is celebrating Pride Month with a Pride flag. So, yes, we were at the beginning of July, so I didn't change her yet, but for the month of June, yes, she was celebrating Pride Month. Okay, so then new parents, if we were to do a Marlin tank, and then we were to tally all the votes, YouTube, emails, Patreon, Spotify, literally just, just take a day, we'll just go. And look, it's not going to be precise. It's not going to be perfect. Mm-hmm. But we will see, we'll get a gauge, and we will determine the winner, and we will be open with our books.

We'll show you everything we got. Yep. If you guys lost that, would you accept that loss, fade all the bad feelings, and happily give Beth to the OG parents and move on from this? Yeah. Yeah. I do have a quick follow-up question, though. Okay. Won't Meredith and Cal have an unfair advantage in this as they already have Beth on their wall?

Why? To decorate. Why? We're talking about what is this going to be? I mean, honestly, I would say you maybe have a slight advantage. You have a blue sky pitch. You've got a whole new space. You know what I mean?

We're not talking about how it looks right now. We're talking about where can you take it? What's the future for Beth? That's what the pitch is. That's what Marlon Tank is. That's fair. Would everybody feel positive about this in the end, even those who lose? Yeah.

Let me ask really quickly the room. Right now, Gareth, where would you lead? Now, mind you, you guys are going to have time. We are going to do a follow-up where you're going to be able to prepare. How much time really quickly we will? would you guys want for your Marlin pitch, Marlin take presentation? Two minutes? Yeah, two minutes each.

You guys good with two minutes each? There can be a visual if they want. It doesn't have to be, but. O.G is new. Everyone's good with two minutes. Two minutes? Okay. Okay.

As of right now, Gareth, with what we know now, this is giving them a chance to make an adjustment. If you have to vote, brother, OG or new, Where does Beth live? Let me say this. Maybe we have a little bit of music for this one. Let me say this. Great music, by the way.

That really added a lot. Let me say this. I'm playing the game. The music's here right now. No, I mean for the next call. I know. Okay. Well, maybe I didn't, but I'm pretending.

Okay, so. Jesse put a little music under this, so what I said makes sense. And Jake looks foolish. Thank you. Here's where I'm at. I'm very open to it going either place. I just want the best life. That wasn't the question, babe.

I think there's something to the original owner who saved it from grandma. So you go OG? I mean... Make a call. Yes. Jesse. Honestly, my heart's with OG too. Natalie.

I think Marlon Tank is stupid and they should have to do a competition. That's more stupid and athletic. And what do you mean Athletic? Like we should We should have like Either Marlin games

Yeah That's a great idea The Marlin games Would you guys Were you guys Or Marlin Tank See there I need a lot more details

On the Marlin games Because Marlin games Could be Three Legger races Run up and down With an egg on a spoon We create like Nine different games

you guys compete, film it, and whatever couple wins, the majority of them gets. So would you guys rather a plea? Well, what you could do is you could do, you could do it like the Marlin Games, so it's kind of all aquatic competition.

It's a swim race. It's a chum-eating competition. You know, it should just be a bowl of pokey or something like that. That's fun. It would be a holding-your-breath competition. How much of the thing weighs?

You guys both. Yep. How much pounds you could gain in 24 hours? And water weight counts. Yes. You weigh yourself at 6 a. Like 7 a.m. The next day at 7 a.m.

You guys weigh yourselves. You do not have to tell us what you weigh, but you do have to tell us how much as a couple you gained in 24 hours. That's a great. I mean, that's an insane. And that's what you do with a Marlin. You weigh it. Yes.

I mean that, so there you go. That's the first blush Marlin games pitch. So you've got Marlin Tank or you're, you've got the Marlin Games, and I think you want them to decide? Yeah. Okay. Which one do you guys?

Now, you three take away your squabble for a second and work together as a family and figure out what you guys want. The floor is yours. I don't know, Will. Or Bill, what are you thinking? I prefer the Marlin games. I think we can find a no ground to win at the Marlin games, so we can do that. Okay.

You know Marlon games? We can find someone to film floors. Okay, so you guys want to do the Marlon games? Army games it is Okay so now like the Marlin games Really quickly We need you guys to pick Is it couples or is it brothers versus each other

Billy is your wife in Oh yeah it's couples Okay so couples So Billy Throw out a challenge of a game That you could do For Marlin games Meredith and Caleb

You are allowed to say no Billy what's a game you guys can do? Hmm. I like the three-legged race. A three-legged race. I want it to be incredibly long. Incredibly long?

Yeah, we can make that happen. I'm talking maybe three miles. That is the funniest. That is the funniest fucking pitch. It's a four-day race. I'm not talking about you. I'm not talking about you just doing. We are setting a Guinness book record for the longest three-legged race of all time.

I'll tell you in your backyard and run 40 steps. No, from that tree to that treat. No, Jake's talking about three. A 10. I'm talking midway through. You're saying to your partner, I need more from you right now. And the other one goes, my fucking ankle hurts, Caleb. And I want Ellie to go lift your fucking foot up.

That is. That is, okay, listen, we've gone all over the map. The idea of one competition and it's a. The 10 K3-legged race. 6 a.m. we start. Dust, we're wrapping it up. And you guys film it on GoPro. You wear go-pros, and we have someone trail you, too.

We have a follow card. We have an editor. This is Tour de France. Yes, we have an editor. I mean, we need raw footage is fine. What do you guys think of that? I love it. I love it.

I like, I'm pristine, though. You're a two, three miles on the one leg is raised. I'm not going to do that. How bad do you want best? You're not going to do that for Beth? You're out. We'll take the fish from your fucking wall. All right, Ultra.

You nuts? I don't want it. I didn't want to put sunglasses on a marlin. Then tie your fucking leg to Caleb and run. Run. Run. Beth. Oh, my God.

So you are passing on it. On the mileage. So what is... Myelage will be negotiated three-legged rates we're in. Okay, no, but hold on. We negotiated now, because I know what you guys, you guys don't hold on to your deals unless it's written down,

so we're going to write this down. How long do you want this race to be? I want 10K. What do you want? 10K. You better start speaking up or we're taking... You said one mile? A mile of it.

It's a long three-legged race. A mile's not bad. Billy, what do you think about a mile? A bit of a mile. Billy, are you good with a mile? Yeah, we can do a mile. Meredith, do you good with a mile? Wait, put you, wait, your phone's breaking up.

Say that again. Yes, I'm fine with that. Everybody, uh, Caleb, Meredith, Billy's, everybody happened with a winner, take-all, three-legged race. A mile long. If you guys do it in under five minutes, you can break the Guinness. They won't be able to. What do you guys?

Are you guys all happy with that agreement? Yes. When is it going to take place? Okay. I want you guys to make shirts. I know exactly what the shirts should say. What? This is fish.

This is family. This is wonderful. But I also want winner. Takes it all. So, guys, if you lose, the losing team has to say to the winning team, this is, Beth, she belongs to you, no hard feelings. Then you all make direct eye contact. And you say, this is fish, this is family, this is wonderful.

and you hug each other. Yes. And you mean it. And Billy, if your wife is halfway in and out, it's your job to get her into that hug. Yep. Meredith, if Caleb's feeling like, I don't like how that went,

it's your job to get him into that hug. You four hug as family. This is fish. This is family. Well, by the way, your legs are going to be tied together. So if someone doesn't want the hug, it's a really fucking weird. Is that a deal?

That's fair. Yes? Meredith Caleb? Yeah. Yeah? Good luck. I mean, I got to say, we're in the midst of the greatest follow-up. This is an epic one.

This is our best one. I wrote down everything, and I'm going to email it to you guys, and you guys need to email back, both of you, and say, yes, agreed, because there's no verbal agreements on this, okay? It's nice for some of the audience to feel the NAP. But, Nat, you know how? What is something I get? I get mad at you about. Nothing. Not true.

What? You tell me. You get, I get mad at you because after calls, you have ideas. This is what I've always wanted. I don't like to step on toes. This was great. Yeah, I know because, you know, Shark Tank, Marlin Tank was boring and this is better. Well, that was Gareth Pitch, your thoughts.

Stop. How does that make you feel? I then, I embraced the challenge. the challenge and we got to a better place. Switch seats. No. Thank you for the call, guys. We're very excited.

We're going to help me on this one. This is great. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thanks so much. And we're brought to you by Wayfair. I bought a robotic vacuum on Wayfair. I found the process very easy.

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2. That's Quince, Q-U-N-C-E.com slash here to help. Hello. Hello. How are you? Oh, I'm doing great. How are you guys? We're doing great. We're excited. You're with us. Oh, I'm excited. This is awesome. It's awesome for us, too. Can we get your name, please? My name's Keith. Keith, where are you calling from, Keith? Rockford, Illinois. Oh, of course. Keith, how old are you, bud?

I'm 34. 34. And Keith, if you had a creative note to give the show to make it better, it's okay if it's a little nasty. You're just funny. What's not working with the show these days, Keith? Oh, I don't know. I've been loving it.

But I did just listen to the one where you bully the girl and to stop smoking. So, you a smoker, Keith? Yeah. I was former. You know, socially every once in a while, you get a few in me. I'll have one. There is.

So you thought, leave her alone, let her smoke. Yeah, it was pretty funny. So Keith, I'm not on the other end of that. So Keith, your aggressive note on the creative of the show is let that woman smoke. That's right. Respect. Keith. What can we do for you today, bud?

All right. So a few months ago in the summer, I proposed to my living girlfriend at the time. I got a nine-year-old son. He helped me. We set up the house, decorated everything. Luckily, she said yes. And so then went around and thank you. It's the wedding party.

And, you know, I'm pretty close with my son. So I asked him to be my best man. It was very cute. Everybody thought it was awesome. but logistically that causes some problems because, you know, I can't throw me a bachelor party, which I've reassigned to some other people. But what I need help with is the speech because I can't have a nine-year-old up there giving a speech. And so we were wondering what creative solutions we could have to have him do for us on our wedding deck.

That is a very... That's very interesting. I never would have thought of that. That's a very, very interesting predicament. What should we call the nine-year-old? We just call him X. X, okay. Is he inclined to, like, is he an outgoing individual?

He is not. And his idea was to do a card trick, and I'm like, I don't know how a card trick can see 200 people, how they can see a card trick up at the front of the... I got a question for you, Keith. He's the best man, and I think that's fucking awesome. could you have a second best man so i do uh but he's also my minister so he's going to be giving the the ceremony and so i'm like well you just spent 45 minutes talking what else are you going to

have to say let me ask you a question walk us through who your wedding party is who are the guys who's standing up there with you um minister yeah son the minister my son, my brother, my old college roommate, and then just four buddies. Okay. What's up with the bro? So here's where you run into second wedding problems because he gave a speech at the first wedding. So I could. I could do that.

But I think at the end of the day, my son really wants to do something too. Understood. So to tell him like, hey, you're not doing it. I don't think you like that. Let me ask that. Go ahead. This is my pitch. And you're going to say I'm making it about me, but I'm not.

I'll work with the kid off show, writing a speech, and we'll present it to you, Jake, and see what you think of it. And we'll prep him as best we can. I've given a number of speeches. I feel like I'm good at it, but we can write it something. And can you and him do it over Zoom on Patreon? Yes. And maybe it goes main show if it's good.

But yes. Of course it goes. Well, no, the, were you coming back and then doing it is main show? Yes, yes. But you working with him and prepping it. I can, I, what if I. Then you guys come back on a follow-up.

I'm Miyagi, his karate kid. I love this. That is not making it about you. That's the show. Making it about you is. We don't need an example. It's crazy that you think this is making it about you, though. Hey, hey.

It shows me. you don't understand what we discussed. No, it would disgust. I don't act like we had an intervention. I'm you on the back with judo or whatever you little, whatever you did in your little shit. Keith, what do you think of that? I can get some details from you maybe.

You could talk. The three of you could talk. Yeah, the three of us could talk and then me and the kid can go off and we can, we can write it. We'll take an hour. Yeah. No, because he doesn't, I don't want him to know this much. Oh, interesting.

If the dad didn't trust you. I think we can make a little. it's short too. We don't need to put too much of a burden on him. He can have it written down. We can rehearse it a couple times. Garth is a professional comedy writer. Yeah, I like that. Don't feel

pressure to take it. It's just a pitch. Great pitch. If I were to give one pushback, it would be, have you ever tried to sit with a nine-year-old on Zoom for more than five minutes? Do you ever try to sit with Gareth on a Zoom for more than five minutes? I'm saying, we're going to link up. He's going to be like, Gareth, focus.

He's going to be like, quit putting your name in the speech. and I'll go, it's not making it about me. And then he's going to go, why does your hair look like that? I'll go, hey, and then all of a sudden leave meeting pops up on his screen

and he's like, what? But what do you think about trying? And if it doesn't work, then we come back and we do more pitches. But I think that could really, because I think the end solution is this, Keith. I think he's got to get up there and I think he's got to do something.

Keith, when is the wedding? It's in June. It's in June. So we got some time. You kind of said it seems like he wants to give this speech. I don't know if he wants to give a speech, but he wants to do something. Well, what if we said he could do a card trick, but he just does a little speech leading up to the country? But hold on.

Gareth, you've already hit a home run here. Keith, let's have Gareth meet with you and X and start creating a 10-minute routine. five. What do you mean? So here's what the speech is. No, listen. Listen, listen. Here's what you're at.

You called us and said, my son's my best man. He wants to do something. When we went to my bro and others, you're like, nobody wants to do something. But would a card truck work? Then we've got a guy who professionally travels the country and stands in front of different people

and does something in front of them. He also writes for TV shows and does. does comedy that way. So what he's offering is, let's me and him get together over a Zoom and start talking about this thing and then re-present it to me.

So then I'll pitch on it too. Then we lock in with X what the speech thing will be where he goes, I feel very comfortable doing that. I really like it. Then that's what he does at your wedding. Okay.

Like this is... Absolutely. Perfect. And then if it's not working and Gareth and X get together and he goes like, he's a little bit too young. I couldn't really get through to him. Then we call you back. We say, X, you did so great. Then off the record, we go, let's come up with some new pitches.

Yep. Okay. So why don't we do that? Why don't I'll have Jesse put you and I on an email. We'll get the ball rolling. And then maybe like in the next week or so, you, X and I can get. get on a Zoom. And then once we kind of lay the foundation,

maybe you bounce and X and I just spend a half hour. I'll write something up real easy. I'll type it up. We'll come up with it. I'll send it to him and then, you know, soon enough, we'll hop on and he can read it to Jake. And we'll do a little practice. Does that sound okay?

No, that sounds great. Yeah, absolutely. I think this could really win and then turn into a great speech for this guy. A great moment for you guys. I mean, honestly, he has so much time. so we can just get this locked in right now, and then he has this thing, you know, he can be as ready as he can be

for that moment. He can have it in his hands. And again, nine-year-old, low bar. Agreed. So easy to win. Yes. Yeah. Especially if he's got two or three jokes in there, too.

Yeah. If he starts with a sweet moment, a joke, and then everybody laughs, he's going to feel a ton of confidence. Yep. And I can give him advice on, you know, I mean, there's good advice to be. I've helped people with honestly wedding speeches before. Like there are certain, there's, I think we can get him to a pretty good spot even if he's nine.

Okay. I do, I have one rule. I'm going to have to state here because the wedding is in Wisconsin and he's a Packers fan, but I'm not. So we got to keep the Packers out of the speech, you know what I mean? How about this? I don't like rules. Fair enough. You're talking about to the bad boy of speech wedding.

Yeah, excuse me, yeah. You take your shoes off in the dojo, Keith. All right. All right, well, we'll do that, okay? So we'll just do that off show for a minute. We'll do something. We'll, me and the kid can work on Patreon. Even if we don't have his video up, we can figure it out.

And we'll get something going. Okay. All right. We'll start there. Okay. All right, buddy. Hello. Hello.

How are you? I'm very. How are you guys? We know this is a follow-up. That's all we know. The floor is yours. Take over. Tell us everything.

All right. I'm Keith. I called in about help with my best man giving a speech at my wedding, which was last weekend. Keith. Gareth, take over, brother. Well, Keith, I've been excited for this one. Why don't you tell us what we started with and what you called in with, but this has been the longest rehearsal for a pitch ever.

But go ahead, Keith. First of all, congratulations, because you just tied the knot about a week ago, right? Yes, a week ago tomorrow. So thank you. You're welcome. So originally I called in, kind of hoping not to have him to a speech, I wasn't sure as a, you know, a 9, 10-year-old to be able to do that. And you guys convinced me to have Gareth help him write the speech.

And then over the next, gosh, I don't know, six months, you must have met with him. It feels like a dozen times. It felt like a lot of times. Help him write it, help him rehearse it. Really quickly, all of that is on Patreon. I think, Gareth, you recorded all of them, right? Yep. So I worked with your son.

Are we saying your son's name? Are we giving him a fake name? What do you want to do, Keith? The real name's okay. Yeah, Zander. So we worked with Zander, and then I worked with your friend, Matt, because we didn't want you to hear the speech. Incredible.

So I worked with Matt and your son on the speech. We tried to make it a good best man speech. Every time we were rehearsing it. I will say I was extremely impressed with your son's ability to not only memorize the speech, but every time, like, he was in it to win it. Cool. And he, every time we wrote, like, I kind of just wrote like a, you know, the first two times we met, we just kind of wrote it together, some stuff that he did.

I would try to implement. But he was always there. It always got better. And I mean, I don't know. We just kept at it. And it really was a very enjoyable process. And when I knew your wedding was coming up, I think we did one like a week before.

And I kind of kept emailing Matt being like, how did it go? And he'd be like, the wedding's like in four days. So I was very invested. So, but yeah, that's all on Patreon. If you want to see the rehearsals up to the event. but how did it go? It went great.

He did awesome. He really smooth. The timing, honestly, I was so impressed with his timing on some of the jokes and how they landed. And he's been getting compliments for the last week from just about everybody that was at the wedding. That's awesome. What do you think the growth was? What do you think? Where are we at?

You know, where did we start all the stuff? I mean, he started, you know, I mean, he was definitely nervous, and then he just got better and better. And literally, what was very crazy and what I did not expect is that he always took the notes. He would come back with pitches, though. He would go, oh, I was thinking of this. And I'd say, well, maybe you do that. And he'd go, oh, I like that, you know.

I was very impressed with how many times you met with San Diego. because it was quite a few. There was a number. Can I explain why, Keith? Sure. Gareth is a smart man and he understands content. This man will snip his testicles, wax his butthole, wax his pubes. If he understands that there's a nice payoff,

working with a kid for a wedding speech, this man is a producer. He's no fool. And he goes, win, lose, or draw, this shit's. were that. And this is a man who loves our show and he's willing to do the grind for it. So a round of applause from this audience for

Gareth Reynolds. Because we love you, brother. No comment. There's some heart in there somewhere, but Jake's mostly right of heart. How does he feel? Is he happy? Does he feel like it's always nice when you get compliments as a kid in that way?

Yeah, he said he was happy with it, He thought he did a good job. Great. So, yeah. But this is a bell ring for us, right, Keith? Excellent. Oh, absolutely. A wedding bell ring, really.

Yeah, that's right. It's great. Well, great. Very happy. Way to go. Tell Zander, I said, what's up. And very happy. And tell Matt thank you, too.

He was so helpful. Yeah, absolutely. All right. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Hi, my name is Emily. I'm the one who signed up for the corn on the cob eating contest. Official update, I have signed up for the contest. It is July 30th at 7.38 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. And I am officially signed up for the contest on August 29th.

I have not been practicing as much as Jake and Gareth probably would have liked me to be. But I'm hoping now that I'm signed up, this will kick my ass into gear. And hopefully I can at least do moderate. okay but even if I don't do that good I'm committed to eating corn on the 29th so we'll see how that goes I guess hey folks this is William from Lancaster this is a follow-up from episode 244 titled ear to help and the master appears with Eric Edelstein unfortunately this is not a ring the bell update sorry guys sorry Gareth but I did want to share a few notes because it's It's been an impactful part of my life to have participated in the podcast and have a little bit of follow-up.

So I had asked the guys if I should retire from the martial arts. I started when I was seven years old. I'll be 34 this year, so it's been a good run. But I've been in and out a lot, and I was really considering just stopping altogether. The guys ultimately encourage me to keep at it. Eric even said it's worth trying it out, right, in the sense to find out if I should open a school or something and really go for it. on my own. But the big problem happened where I took a new job. And this new job is at a significant change in my life where I just haven't had the time or energy outside of it to really put the

time and effort into the martial arts stuff. I unfortunately haven't put my uniform on in months, but I still love it in my heart. It's just not sure if and when it's going to be the time to retire or commit again. I will say there were a few folks who replied to the show and I really appreciate that. The show forward those on to me and I got an encouragement from someone in a similar space, but also a few folks who said they were from my area and they would be interested in learning. And so we are still connected and I have those emails if something ever materializes. Alas, for now, you know, I couldn't get a location and all of my time dried up and there went the initiative. It was really a big bummer. Here's the laugh, though. I did enjoy a pretty

hilarious small world moment when I was going out with some friends one evening. My wife and I went out with another couple friend and we just got talking about stuff. We're newer friends. We only met recently and so my martial arts background came up and I started telling them a bit of my story. Shout out, Trev. And as I went down the line with it, I just referenced how this is a slow season for me. I might be retiring. I was giving some of those little bits of deep tales. And Travis goes, Oh my gosh, this sounds just like this guy from an episode of my favorite podcast. Have you ever heard of we're here to help? He's been doing karate forever. His master lives far away and he's struggling with retirement. It sounds just like you. I looked at him in complete disbelief and I was

waiting for him to just laugh or reveal that it was a joke when I realized he didn't put two and two together. And he's kind of looking at me as I'm a little in disbelief. He's like, what's the matter? I was like, dude, that's me. And lots of laughs were had. It was really cool to just be found in the wild for my episode. I've had a couple family members listen to it and enjoy it, but just to have a random friend bring it up and have that laugh over dinner. So they love the story. They were so excited to hear that I got to chat with you guys. And it was really such a pleasure. But if anything changes, whether or not I open a school or just really, really kick off the dust. I'll let you all know.

But for now, I kind of, I feel like I'm taking on Eric's advice. Like, I'll give it a shot and see it through if that opportunity comes. But it seems like I'm not going to be an English teacher in Japan, like, like Eric. You know, he decided not to do it. And I think that's maybe where it is for me for now. So I appreciate you'll follow up. And I hope to follow up with you someday in the future with a really positive ring the bell moment. But thanks for the last.

Hey, everybody. We just want to remind you, if you want to remind you, If you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help, it drops a day early on Hulu. So you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com.

And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash HereTo Help Pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston,

editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Gareth, do stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

That was a HeadGum podcast. What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up, everybody? I'm Beck By. And man, we got something to tell you. Oh, yeah, we definitely do. Yes, it's a brand new podcast on HeadGum. That's right. And it's called What's Our Podcast? Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea.

what our podcast you'd be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about and then we try it. Yep, guests like Mark Maron,

Jack Black, Brini Brooskey, Cape Roland, Bobbi Moynihan, Meg Stalter, and Tim Balls. Landon Axler, Jony, Jone McGrath. And Dender. And Dender.

New episodes release every Wednesday. So subscribe to what's our podcast. On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah. I'm gonna go do it right now. now.