We're Here to Help - 315: Who's This Animal & I Deny These Orders

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

Jake and Gareth toughen up a construction site safety coordinator. Then, Guest Helper Christian Lee Navarro (13 Reasons Why) stops by to help an ex-marine stand up to his wife.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. What's up? What's up? How you feeling about the show, baby? I'm feeling real good, babe. How you feeling, bed? I'm feeling good.

I think we got some nice momentum. I think we've had some good calls. We've had some good guests. I think we're delivering a great show to the audience. I think our audience is in a good period. I think we're in a nice groove. I agree. I agree.

I think the Kat Reitman world is getting exciting. She's getting a mic. She's getting a mic. It's official. That's like, that's as good as putting a ring on it. Agreed. That's in our business.

And you know what? She already experienced her first round of blowback. Which was? Which was that there was someone, one of our callers was someone whose girlfriend was, or it might have been wife, was sort of, you know, keeping, basically had a house pigeon. And that story started, the problem started with talking about rats, owning rats, and Kat and I were having a laugh. Now, you know me, I am fine. I would watch animal hoarders and I'd go, I don't see a problem here. So I am into bringing whatever you want to bring into your house.

And I do like, but we had fun, Jake. And a lot of people did not like that we were yucking it up. I think what happened was I said, why don't you get a couple more rats and have them meet your wife, you know, to get rid of the problem. And a lot of pro-rat people got into the comments and were... What did you say wrong about the rats? What did the pro-rat community say?

Well, they were like rats are great pets. And rats are great. And we were disrespecting the rats. Well, by the way, I know that because I saw, I think it was a documentary about them. Oh, they're great. Let me tell you a little something about these sons of bitches. They love to cuddle. Yeah.

They have a sense of humor. That's a hard thing to tell. They can make each other laugh. Okay. They like to clean out your ears. That's a form of cuddling. So they will, like, eat your ears out. Now, thoughts on that?

I'm not giving it. strongly reprimanded a caller for having a cat clean her ears. Look, I'm not saying I'm advocating for any of this. I'm just saying the upside of rats. You seem open to that part. Keep going. I'm going to be very crystal clear. I will never have a rodent near any hole in my body. Just to be put that out there.

Okay. If there's a hole that leads inside my body, I don't want a creature. We all know the one you're talking about, and we get it. I agree. No. No, those too? No. Nothing.

I don't want a rat near my ears, nose, mouth, butthole, belly button, penis hole. I agree. Well, you know, you made the butthole seem like a better avenue when you said penis hole. Yeah, yeah, passing on all that, 100%. The idea of somebody going, there's a road in cleaning out my, get away from that hole. I feel like holes, we need to respect them more. So what are you saying here? You're saying, what, less stuff in them?

quit shut out all these things in the holes But there's some holes that we're good with We've pretty much all signed off

on the Yes, but I'll tell you what's a big negative Q-tips This is disgusting You're pushing wax into a hole This is going to be a good argument Okay

And I hear you They're saying Don't Don't do it How about an alternative What's the alternative? Waterpick a water pick you're blasting water in there are you warm water what are you talking about

say more words what are you talking about quick as coy what are you putting in your ears because i'm down i just they're just telling me no they're just i want clean ears have you ever stood behind someone and you've seen in the ear and you've done it's it is a game changing moment When you see a little bit of that orange sunscreen coming out of their ear holes. You just go, oh, you're like, I've been like, I split a sandwich with this guy once. What are you talking about? I'm just saying it changes your opinion on someone when you see the Jurassic Park mosquito. But I'll tell you look, Gareth, any fluid out of any hole besides a really special loved one or somebody on a fun night,

it's not something another human wants to see in passing. That's my point to you about the Q-tips. But I feel the same way about a runny nose. Nah, you're pushing it. You're pushing it. I'm not. You are. You and I are sitting there having a meal, and I have a runny nose.

You're going like this. That's cool. We're sitting there having Thai food, and it's dripping on my stash. You're going like this? No. That's different. But that's temporary. It's not different.

That's different. Earwax is real bad. I'll tell you another thing that's disgusting. Here we go. in between the lips when it gets really chalky. Terrible. In the corners. It's awful.

I will never forget a teacher I had who had that. Never. She'd get all worked up talking about geography, and I'd be like, this is wild. Tell you what, I had a standing bass teacher named Mr. Hilton. Oh, we're naming. Like about fuck. I'm a bad boy. You are.

All right, bad boy. Talk to me about Mr. Hilton in your stand-up base class. I'm a hard. Hollywood Hogan. It's so funny. Mr. Hilton used to stand behind me because I wasn't getting it, brother. And he would do the old teacher,

the hunk in a pool hall, to the beautiful lady routine where he's over my hands and over me. And it was the first time that I noticed his personal smell. Gareth, I almost had a fucking freak out. I was like, It happened.

You know what's interesting? I was like, it was disgusting. Whenever he would come here and I'd be like, yo! No. I think that moment imprinted on you, because the last time we recorded in studio, you had a very good smell.

I think you've become smell aware. You know what I have done is I'm a Cologne guy. Yeah, you had a good, I've never done that. Oh. I'm depending on tied and high endurance. But let me tell you the difference. You want to know why you've never done it my opinion.

Because I'm a loser. No. Because here's what I'm never going to do. Calvin Klein scent. It's the same as Axe body spray. What are you using? You going to name it? I went to a place in, sure, I can't remember the name of it, but I went to a place in New York

City with my daughters on a vacation thing so they could make their own perfumes. And while I was there, they said, do you want to make one? And I went, a perfume. And they go, no, cologne, you idiot. And I went, I guess so. And they go, what smells do you like? And I go, I don't have an idea. Then the woman goes, smell this, you like it?

And I go, no, no. Third one, I go, yeah. She goes, what would you like to mix that with? I go, how the fuck should I know? She goes, what about that? I go, no, no, no, no, we're talking. Gareth, I made my individual smell. You know what I call it?

What? Dad smell. You get a little bottle with the thing on it. When it runs out, they could send you another bottle. but I haven't run out of the first wood. So I want to be using your dad's smell. I could have pitched out. I wish you'd called me for names.

You want to know what my first one was? Because I've made two. Geek Squad. Geek Squad is better. Dad's smell. That sounds like your stand-up bass teacher. That's what it sounds like he splashed on himself with dad's smell. Why can't it smell good?

I don't know. It's just like, I don't know. It's not a, it's not, imagine the commercial. Yeah, that's what I mean. It just like, Dad smell. Give me three titles in that ASMR type whisper. Let's see if you can top it.

Okay, all right. Three, two, one. Jake do. No, Jake do is disgusting. Three, two, one. Johnson Hum. You know that's bad. Anything with Johnson.

It sounds like something the rats biting. Three, two, two. tasty guy. Without further, adieu, enjoy some ads. And we're brought to you by Aria. Are you in the mood? Well, now you are. Let's talk about it.

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Berg told me his burn to you. What does that even mean? Hello? Hello? Hi, how are you? I am doing great. How are you guys? Good, thanks. What's your name, please? My name's AJ.

Hey, AJ, where are you calling from, buddy? I am calling from Cincinnati, Ohio. Beautiful, Sin City. How old are you, AJ? He's Cincinnati? I am 26. No, 26, young guy. Cool.

AJ, before we get started, Jake, why don't you just come on? No. Please. AJ, what's going on? What can we do for you today? Well, I was coming to ask you guys, so I have a little problem here where construction workers hate me. Hmm, keep going. So,

um, disper some more context. Pausing's crazy. Yeah, pausing's a wild decision. Did you, so, how do you fix it?

Uh, pause for laugh. Yeah. And by the way, it deserved it. Yeah. I'm intrigued. Yeah.

So, some more context. So, um, I work as a safety coordinator in the industry. And, uh, I have a lot of things that kind of work against me.

So like I mentioned, I'm a little bit younger at 26. Um, A safety coordinator in Hollywood? No, in construction. What industry? In the construction. In the construction.

Oh, I thought, okay. Okay, so you are in the construction industry and you're younger than all the workers. And you're the guy who's going up to like a 45-year-old and you're going like, hey, just so you know that. AJ, give us an example really quickly of what you have to say on a regular basis to construction workers. Yeah, so I kind of set the scene as actually like two weeks ago. there's these guys who are setting like a 20-foot piece of structural steel to kind of start building at the building. And they were working directly over a staircase. So I had to, you know, hey, guys, you got to stop for just a second.

And they stopped and they looked at me. And I was like, hey, guys, we got to kind of have a better plan than this. And they said, hey, how about you just that off? And then, you know, not really much you can do from there. I get this problem. Who hires you, the city? No, I work for a subcontract. factor.

Okay. But who demands that you're there? Like, for example, in our business during COVID, there was a COVID specials whose job was to walk up to people and say you have to be six feet apart. And we were outside shooting the movie I directed and the DP and the camera operator outside were discussing a shot. And in the middle of it, he walked up and goes like, hey, guys, separate. And the camera operator goes, fuck you or I'll kill you.

It's like I'm looking in the mirror The sun was setting and I had to go like The producer looked at me and as the director I had to go like All right let's talk this out I agree we gotta get shooting But we're not allowed to say thank you I agree we maybe don't need it right now

But you can't say you're gonna kill the guy But also like get out of here That's not safe That's also not safe Killing him So you're trying to finish the day Let me give So you're the guy who has to go up and tell

people who have been doing this job for a long time. Hey guys, make sure your hats are on. And careful, don't fall down the stairs. Yeah, yeah, you're going up to the offensive lineman as a kicker of being like, put your mouth guards in. You know, I'm a younger guy, not fat like all the other guys. I didn't really start my career in the construction industry. I kind of worked my way into it.

And I think for a few of those reasons, you know, they just, they don't respect me. They don't respect you. You're a baby face. We'll get to the question, but you're a baby face, you're thin, you used to do construction, and now you're a safety coordinator. And is that everything, the reason you feel like they don't like you? I'm sure there's others, but yeah, that's kind of what sticks out to me. Okay, AJ.

Well, I'm going to tell you early on, and I'm not a compliment guy, I like you. I think this is a very likable start to a call. His pauses are funny. I'm not seen. Sometimes at this moment, Gareth and I will be looking at each other being like, the reason the construction workers don't like him is because AJ is weird. Yeah.

I'm not seeing that. No. But I do feel he's a little... He's young. He's young and he's kind of... I mean, he feels intimidated. You know, it's like the prison. It's like you walk in, you got to punch the toughest guy in the mouth.

Yeah, that's interesting. Well, that's kind of the scary part is, you know, my first week and it really set the tone for me because I was being kind of escorted around with one of my coworkers, and I meet one of my coworkers, and I meet one. one of the big dogs in town. And I walk up, shake his hand, feel confident. He says, son, does your mom know you're here? I was like, yeah, I was like, yeah, I told her when she was making me my lunch this morning, ha, ha.

I kind of gave it a chuckle, and he was stone-faced and did not laugh. He killed. So, yeah, it was kind of like a welcome to the industry moment for me. But, you know, from there, I was like, all right. What did he do? Damon Wayne's Jr. And I have a joke that we're in love with each other. And we're always like, hey, you look so handsome or each other's husband.

It's been going on forever. It's an old joke. Damon Wayne, Sr. came in. It was part of the joke. So I was like, oh, I get to do this bit with Damon Wayne Sr. And so it was just the three of us were just like guys who were in love with each other. And no one was being the guy who wasn't. But it was just like, oh, hey, look at you in that shirt.

You are good. Look at those arms. And Damon Sr. was talking to an older man. We were at the old cat in the fiddle. And I was doing jokes and I walked by and I saw him and I go like, oh, hey, Damon Senior.

Look at you looking sexy talking to this old chunk over here. And he iced me out and he goes, yeah, I'm just talking to an old friend, man, what's up? But I had already committed. So I was like, eh, and then I went like, and he was like, you need something, Jake? And I went like, no.

And I went to the bathroom and I was like, my hands are shaking. That is tough. So you're just getting killed. So, AJ, what is the specific question? The setup was pretty clear, I think, to both of us. We've both been on both sides of this. Yeah.

What can your uncles help you with at the bar? So how do I get these, you know, these grown men who've been in the industry longer than I've been alive to respect me? How long you've been working there? How long you've been doing this job with this company? It's been a little over a year. Okay. And you're still feeling the same level of iced out? Good question.

There's definitely some guys who are warming up to me, but yeah, no, there's definitely still some hound dogs out there who just want no part of me. Is there an alpha dog? That's so kind of the way it works for me is I work kind of a bunch of different construction sites that I kind of help oversee. So there's always an alpha amongst the different sites. That's for sure. Okay. But there's different one.

So there's not like one. This is a movie. We don't have one bad guy. Correct. We're looking for, are you kind of looking, AJ, for an overall character shift

or a line or a vibe to you just start trying this new guy on for size and see how new AJ is treated at work. That's, yeah. I guess Maybe a phrase or something See they kind of confuse me Because part of the reason I know

What I told you guys The few things I know is working against me Is because I actually had a guy come up And tell me it to my face Tell you what That they're all kind of Giving you the business when you're not around What do you say?

Yeah So I was talking to somebody else You know we start really early in the morning So we get there start at six It's maybe 7 o'clock And I'm talking to somebody Mind our own business as he walks up to me and goes, you know what your problem is?

I was like, all right, well, good morning to you too. Bad story. And he said, you're young and you're in safety. And I was like, all right, well, you're fat and annoying. And, you know, he just wasn't. What did you say? AJ, you didn't say that. Thought he was fat and annoying?

No, you thought that, but what did you say? Thank you. Oh, no. No, I did say that to him. You did? What did that do? He chuckled and walked away, but I was like, this is so backwards. I was taught to be nice to people, and they respect me more for being rude.

Oh, I get what's happening here. Well, that's interesting. Okay, I mean, what do you wear into work, AJ? Then we'll get into the pitching portion. But I'm curious what you physically look like at work. You have any stubble? No, I feel like that kind of works against me. Can you create stubble?

Yeah. You can create more than you have now. But here's what I'm saying on it. Take a little bit of mascara and darken it. No, nope. I'm not saying we bring makeup to this fight. No. What are you talking about?

Back off. Yeah. Come on. I put the sword down there. Yeah, okay. So, AJ, you're clean-shaven. Do you wear glasses, safety goggles? What do you wear?

Any sort of makeup? No, there'll be no makeup. Back off. No, yeah. Drop the makeup. No makeup, but I do wear the clear or shaded safety glasses. Okay, so Jake, let me walk you through what we're dealing with so far. Bedazzling.

He's got, stop pitching. He's got no hair on his face. Baby face. And he's wearing the rec specs. Awful. And he's going up to guys going, fellas. Hey. And he's skinny.

I love you. guys, but can you not hold that beam over that staircase? And they're like, hey, go fuck yourself. Let me tell you. You know who that is? That's AJ. You know who we need to create? JA.

Ace. Ace. You know what Ace doesn't give a fuck about? This shit. Safety. Safety. You know what Ace has to do? Care about it.

So a line like this, Ace. Hey, fellas, for starters, I don't give a rat says, if you fall and bang that dumb head of yours and spill your brains out your ears. But because I get paid to say it. two steps away from the hole, you dope. Yeah, that's good. I like that. But you don't care.

Well, let's give him some lines, but let's talk physically too. But first, Ace, what are you thinking of this approach? So far, as long as I keep walking my talk, I think this could work. You'll say all this stuff. It has to start talking with this type of guy. I want to start by saying, hey, Jimmy, I got to start by saying, couldn't care less if that two by eight fell on your head and cracked your skull open. As a matter of fact, it'd be an honor.

And he goes, I got to say, I'd probably laugh hard than I've ever laughed in ages. But because I get paid here to do something, here's what I need to tell you. If you're underneath a two by four, pal, put a helmet on. Okay. Because if you don't, one, I'm going to laugh until I split my fucking sides. And two, I'm going to get fired. And I'm not getting fired because you're a dope. Yeah.

I don't care about your safety. I do care about my paycheck because the old lady's up my ass. That's Ace. I got a wife and a mistress. Okay, back off. My wife's cool. The mistress has costing me a fortune.

Come on, you're stressing me out. You know, burp a little bit and just be like, whiskey and pizza. But this kind of idea, what do you think of this guy going forward? You know, I have a feeling the scene might not fit the picture, but I'm willing to try it.

Yeah. I think you've got to try it. Let's try it. I'm also going to say this. We're going no rec specs, sunglasses. Do you have to wear those glasses? Or does AJ have to? Does Ace have to?

We might be able to find some cooler ones for Ace. I know Oakley's got some out there that look pretty slick. Yeah. You got to go in a direction. What are you doing with your hair? Well, I do have to wear a hard hat. What does the hard hat look like? Can you beat it up a little bit?

bit? What city are you in? So it's Cincinnati. Fucking put a Bengals thing on that. Or you know what else we should put on it? A bunch of like marks, like things have fallen and hit you. Like you've been through some shit. Yes. You know what? This is, yeah. You know what? I wouldn't do a ton every day.

I would do one. I think we mark up that hard hat a little bit. Also, look. Okay. I'm sure you're happy with how you look. So feel free. to push back on any of this. Let's grow some stubble. Let's get a little bit of a beard going. Goatee.

A goatee, okay? And once you get, once you're established and people are listening to you a little more, you can, you know, back off a bit. But right now you're kind of Tommy Boy. Wait, quick pause. Edge, will you take a quick selfie and send it in? I'd love to see a pick and we'll blur your eyes.

We'll blur your eyes out. So if you're worried about us seeing your eyeballs. We'll just, you know, just put a black box on the eyes so they can't see the eyes. but the audience should see that little baby face. Yeah, give us a look here. Can we get a look at that face of yours? Will you email a picture of us?

Yeah, let me see what I can do. Let me ask you a question. What do you know as we're waiting for this photo? What do you know about local sports? I'm a big fan of local sports, so between SBC, the Bengals and all that stuff. I'm a big fan. What's SPC?

It's our soccer team, so it's Cincinnati's soccer clubs. Let's stick with the Bengals, pal. We're really trying to get you out of here, okay? I like the lacrosse team. I'm super into competitive jenga. My favorite game is where you got to throw a little ring and get it on a moose antler. Yeah, we're talking about the ones

that construction workers are like. Yeah. The bagels. You got any tattoos, Ace? I have one. What is it? I do have one. It's on my wrist.

What is it? It says faith. It's a compass with an anchor coming out of the bottom of there. What is it? That's cool? Like an anchor coming, a compass with an anchor coming out of the bottom of it. compass, that is cool. I'm just glad it doesn't say, breathe.

Yeah. You've had the whole era of women who got tattoos that said breathe? Or just like a Chinese symbol. Or like really like light cursive. Mm-hmm. That just said like, you know, walk. Yeah. Okay.

What are you doing? Remembering to take one step after the other? All right. But AJ, what about one of the things is starting off with a little bit of pre-s safety? Bengals talk. Red's talk. Losing people up with your expertise. It's so easy to talk sports.

You know what else? And I'm not... We might be pitch... Oh, boy. Yep, I would not listen to you. I'm not kidding. You are... You know who?

You look like a McCown. Yeah, he does. You look like Josh McCown. The football player's kid. Yeah, you... I mean, you're... Listen, you're young. You're a good-looking guy for regular.

You're a nice-looking kid. But you look like a Mormon. I don't expect you on a construction site in Cincinnati. Yeah, I mean, you look. Not even some cool-looking sunglasses and a nice little hard hat on. You wouldn't listen to me? No, but I'm hearing, I'm now seeing what's happening. You've got, you do have a baby face.

I'm not totally into, I hear what you're saying about the facial hair. I'm not positive at his age. It's fully grown in yet. Moustache. I think it'll work. I think it'll work. It will look like a detective in France a little bit. I think.

Like a Poirot? Yeah. Which I think it gets a lot of chops. I think it gets a meat or beard is definitely off the table. Here's what I would like you to do, and I mean this sincerely now. My pitch to you look-wise, get those cool Oakley's. Take a fucking handful of hair gel. Put it in, slick back.

Not like you're in a 50s musical. Not like Italian mobster? No, don't overdo it. We're going to make this building something special. Christ, AJ. Hey, Jay. Come on, guys. Hand me the beam, let's do it right.

Now be careful, everybody. That's against the safety rules. Boom, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. You think I should do the song? I shouldn't do the song. So, AJ, here's what I think you do. You take a nice little scoop. If this was a burr cooking recipe, it would be just a little handful of mayonnaise.

Just a little bit. L.A. look, thank you. And then put it right on the top of your head and just do one hand pushback. Let the sides not be slick. Let it be messy. I like. Let's also ding the hard hat a little bit. Let's also do a toothpick.

Toothpick is great. I was going to suggest an ultra. By the way. Get a couple of all. There's an alchers in there like you've got to log in. Okay, so this is a different. So this is actually very real. It's going to seem like we're just doing a commercial.

And for the audience who gets mad at us, I'm sorry, but we both have a bunch of ultras in our mouth and it's just happening. And I'm wearing a quince shirt. Yeah. It's all my, I think. So there are these pouches ultra. They're essentially... I got a bunch of Omaha steaks in my pants. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Hurry. Let's talk right now, please. Oh, here's what we want you to do. do. I want you to get these things and put three or four in your bottom lip like it's dip. Yeah. It's just vitamin B, vitamin 12, and something else. But you're creating that look on your face like you're dipping and you can swallow the saliva, but I don't want you to. I want you to carry a cup, spit cup. Or you're on a construction site. Just do it on the fucking ground.

I want you to have go slow on this though. One step. up at a time so it's not a Halloween costume. I want the hair back. I want the altars in the mouth. Shades. Shades. Start beating up the helmet. Then jokingly with each time you've got to do safety. The first things is, fellas, fellas, let me make something crystal clear.

On a personal level, I don't care what happens to your bodies. Because of my job, I need to tell you something. So that they start knowing he doesn't give a shot. shit, he just has to do it. I like all that, and I'm going to pitch something else. I think the general attitude should be something changed. Pretend the boss chewed your ass out about something. You're a little bit more of a prick now.

And I would say in front of the guy who's given you the most guff, when you're there at one point, start talking, fake a phone call and make it an irritated phone call where we hear a new level out of you. something where you're going to answer you're like hold on give me a second yeah I told you 1245 then I'm going to be a little fucking late Todd okay don't name I'm Todd but okay not Todd but yeah you know what I would actually do a little bit more of

I would do that idea I would go hold and answer the call and I would go what the fuck are you calling me for I told you you're not getting it you know what then fuck you too you fucking piece of shit hang up take a breath like you're about to lose your temper breathe turn around and go, I guess.

All right, sorry about that. Yeah. And they go, who's this animal? Because that way you could show them something they haven't seen before, but something you're capable of. I'm going to go back to makeup. Okay. I wish you wouldn't.

You have the ability to put a fake black eye on? What? Let me cook for a second. Then I'm going to come in the kitchen and take the mitts off. Don't call them mitts. I do have a wife that's pretty good with makeup. That could be an option. You walk in there with this ace character slowly forming,

then there's a black eye and somebody asked what happened, and your answer is this, nothing. They go, what happened? You get your Shiner? And you go, nothing. Hey, what happened to the safety guy? You fall down? Something like that.

But you're not having any fun with it. Uh-huh. And also have her put a little red on your right knuckles. You should see the other guy You should see the other guy I like listen That's not that I'm up I hear the you're not gonna say

You get me on my eye Yeah You should see the other guy And don't do the other guy thing to me again Okay Now here's the gun bad Here's You should see the other guy

I think I'm bad Just noticing the picture My mother and you are My only concern with that Would be you know It's been super hot out recently And I'm running around That's a nightmare

My worry is what is the loss in this situation? The loss is he sweats, he rubs his eye and they're like, did you make a fake black eye? No, the losses, they go, your makeup smearing. Yeah. No, it's my bruise. And then you got to run away like a teen wolf.

You're a death trap. Yeah. Don't do that. Guys like you can just rub off bruises. Okay, so, eight, apart from the makeup, what do you think about everything we've said about this new character we've created for you?

Who's a little bit tough, maybe does a call, has the luck, this point, if you are interested, I'd like you to tell us what you're going to do. You've heard a lot of pitches. I think between the new look, I'll probably do a mixture. So I'll probably do the new look and then the angry phone call because to that exact point, I'm a pretty relaxed person, but I don't really get heated.

Cool. So to your point, I think if they were to see me kind of- Just got a shit on them. Tell someone off, you know. AJ, I got to stop you, man. Let's hear it. Yeah. We have to take you on a run.

Really quick. Tell us what your look is so we know what we're looking at. All right. Well, I, because I kind of work 50-50 in the office or in the tent or whatever we have at the time and out in the field. So it's usually a hard hat, glasses. But in this case, now that we're going with ace, it's going to be the slick glasses. Okay. So cool, shaded out glasses, hard hat.

I do wear a polo. Maybe I'll wear, I'll get a Bengals polo. Do you have to wear a polo? That or like a, like a highlighter, green or orange colored shirts. They do S be something like that. Where, what do the guys wear? The highlighter colored shirts. Wear the fucking highlight, man.

Yeah. You wear this, and guess what? You don't wash it. Yeah, I like that. Don't be tucked in with your little shirt. It's like when a director shows up and they're wearing a tie. Uh-huh. Just be like everybody else.

Yeah, I think that's right. First of all... It's not Star Trek. Yes. First of all, no collared. You're wearing the same shirt. You're only allowed to watch it on weekends. On Monday, look, if you sweat a lot on a Tuesday,

you come in with a gross shirt on Wednesday. It's a construction. It's not a sushi restaurant. Hey, it's not a sushi restaurant. What Jake's saying is, get it, look like you've been working in it. What you think there's a sushi restaurant? You can wash it. He's not married to the don't wash it.

shit the whole week thing. I kind of am. Okay. It's tough to hear. Really? Yeah, that smell. I mean, the hot summer. AJ, you talk to us.

Is the washing it a killer? Are you, talk to me? Well, it's probably going to be a week-by-week kind of situation. Okay. It's in the high 90s. If it's disgusting, it's a... Let me ask you a question. Do the guys wash their shirts every day?

That's definitely a question that's raised sometimes when some guys walk past you, but I'll probably... Some guys got a little bit of heat to them, yeah? Some guys had yesterday's dust on them, yeah? Yeah, definitely. You want to know why? Because you're in the field, AJ. He's found inspired.

Because you're in the field, AJ. And you know who else lives there? A guy I know named Ace. Ace is under the bridge. AJ works in the office with his little polo with his mommy. Has anyone seen the stapler? Cutting his chicken for him. Yeah.

He's a little baby boy. Yeah. You're talking about a great guy. Ace is a great guy. Ace is a man of the people. Ace has the weird kind of green shirt. That fucking stinks. Ace smells gross.

You know what you don't want, Ace? To lay in bed with your lady. What stinks. Oh. What do you mean? What do you say? It's not working. I had an idea.

It wasn't working. Who gives you shit? The ultra's on top of me. It's giving me a weird buzz. I've had like 50 of them today. Yeah, you're hot. Remember that one when you're taking our advice. Don't do too many of the ultras.

By the way, two is better than 40. Yeah. Well, you told me to do a bottom lip and a top lip. I've had eight in at a time. It's got an absurd answer. Read the package. So, AJ, let's do a practice call. You don't really need anything from us.

I mean, I don't know if you want to jump in. But I think let's talk about what are you going to be yelling about into the phone. We don't need to make it a long thing. I think 25, 30 seconds of you being fucking pissed off at this call. Then you hang up, irritated. Then you turn back to your guys and you go, look, I'm not asking. Just please do it. No.

You do not park at them. He's not barking. He's not. He doesn't care what happens to them. He has to say it for the job. Two different things. Angry on the call. I don't care about your safety.

I'm getting paid and I can't lose this job. I agree. All right. That's going to be the one to two. So what is this call going to be? Who's it going to be? Do you have that in mind? But we're not, let's just, then let's hear it.

So then let's have the conversation. Garith and I are two construction workers. We are about near stairs. We don't respect you. You need to tell us that just some safety thing that we need to do. Okay. Okay. So I'm not taking the phone call.

You are taking the phone call. This is the beginning. The beginning is us. We don't like you, but whatever. You take the call, then you come out and you say the Jake stuff about it. You don't have to like me, but you have to do what I say. Okay, ready? Three, two, Pigley, M.

Hey, Jesus. Do it at the back, the back. Okay, let's leave it. Hey, guys, let's lean it up against the wall. What's going on, AJ? Here we go. Not a whole lot. You guys have a good weekend?

What's going on? Yeah, it was unbelievable. Now I'm back of work. I'll tell you, it was wonderful. I fuck your mother. Give me one sec, so I got to take this call real fast. Oh, you got to take a little quick. Hey, Rick, what's up?

It's probably Clares. They want to pierces his ears. Rick, dude, I'm telling you. You got to tie off. If you don't, if you're ass, I already warned you once. We're not doing this. All right. Sorry, guys.

I had to take that real fast. You know, Rick on one is really just busting my balls right now. But, um, I need, seriously, I need you guys to wear a face field. I don't want you guys lose an eye. No. You guys, look, would you rather hear your daughters and see your daughters? AJ, we got to start over, brother. I like where you're starting from.

I thought it was bad. But we got to get you hotter. Not only that. Don't come up to guys who don't like you. go like, hey, how are you doing? How was your weekend? You're not friends. What you should say is I'm fucking hungover.

No. Yeah. Just, AJ, you got a job to do, that's it. You're not there for cats. You're not there for small. You don't respect these guys. You don't give a rat's ass about these guys. You walk up when you're about to go at your phone rings.

You don't even have to apologize for it. Yeah. When you're on the call, you're at a four. Let the person you know who you're talking to. They don't fuck. They're fucking out of line and it's fucking over. And you're facing away from them. And you're trying to hide it from them because you don't want them to see this side of your personality.

But I would do the zone of, hey, fellas, fellas you're doing, sorry. What? You listen. You hear what I'm saying? Well, make me fucking tell you again. And don't call me at work. Fellas, when you're near the stairs, I don't care if you fall, I promise you.

That's it, AJ. It's on my ass if you do. Please, do the fucking steps. If I need to remind you what they are, I will. But I would think you've been in this game for enough years, you'll remember. Two feet from the hole. You might not be able to get it to that level, but that's what you've got to go for. Pissed.

Okay. When was the last time you were pissed? Yeah, again, that's a great question. Like I said, I'm pretty relaxed, guys. It's not funny. It's too easy. Get mad. Mad, Ace.

Mad. From the start. Okay? Pissed. Two. Pigley and... I don't know, man. You got Joe Burrell right now, but we finally got the defense.

I think we've got to fight. Hey, fellas. Well, this will be... I mean, I'm excited. Here we go. Hold on. Hold on. Yeah.

Hey, I told you to stop calling me. I already gave you an answer. Well, I'm not telling you again. I'm not repeating myself. So do it the right way. Don't do it at all. All right, guys, listen.

One more time, that's very close. Hold on. You don't know what I want to hear? Anybody have kids, turn it off. I want to hear some vulgarity. Yeah. Do it again. Let it rip.

Just see what comes out of your mouth. And I want you to call them that. Yeah. From the top. Three, two, Pigleyan. I mean, now the Burroughs fucking got Dexter. You know, Lord, he's a big guy. I don't even believe anymore.

I don't give a shit. One sec. Oh. What the fuck do you want? I already gave you an answer. I'm not repeating myself again. So if you call me again, you better have a result for me. Anyway, guys, I told you need to be wearing your mask.

You can't be doing that right now. Ace, one more. I want it to go. Don't put me in a fucking position where I'm going to have to react. And can I say, I would like a little more. A little more. A little longer. Don't make me, don't make me.

Don't make me fuck you up. Yeah. A little more, if this is really good, you're right there. But what you're doing, I'm telling you if this is done right, their question to you is going to be,

you're good? Yeah. And you're going to go, nothing to worry about. Sorry, and then go, sorry you had to hear that. And then go,

do me a favor. Put the face mask on. Okay. That's it. But they go, oh, he might be involved in some money thing. Yeah.

And he's going to fuck somebody up. You don't want to fuck with AJ. AJ acts nice. It's like the geeky guy that all of a sudden you see punching a punching bag. And you go, that's a nice combo.

Yeah. You're right there. Do it again a little more. You're close. Three, two, Pigley, N. Oh, boy, here comes the phone police. That's not what the construction worker was. Stop.

I got it. That was as if we were a Disney show, a kid's Disney show. Oh, boy, here comes the fun police. Yeah, should we throw a pie in their face? It's terrible. Three, two, Piggly End. Hey, hell, us hold.

What? Hold on it, AJ. What? I have a rash in my pants. Why are you telling me this? Because we sweat together. I wanted to see if you got one too. You have an infection in your underpants.

Not an infection, but I'm trying to get a topical cream. I'm clean it. I'm not a doctor. I'm a construction worker. AJ's here. He's not. not the medic. He's a safety coordinator. I can work through it.

But there's a rash in my ass, in my ass. That's not my business. I try to share with you, Lance. What do you want, AJ? One set. I got one set. Oh, now you're taking a call? If I get fucking involved with this, I'm not going to repeat myself again. The last thing you want me to do is be

fucking involved. If you want results, I'll be back. Anyway. You good? You really got it. Don't worry about it. Look, you got to put the face shield on, all right? Fun police is here.

Can't have you guys losing a knife. You got it. And then talk to Barry about his asshole. I guess he's a rationary. I'm fine. I'm fine. No, he's the guy. I can't walk up all the flights of stairs for a couple days.

AJ. Real good. You did awesome. Great. I promise you, if you do that sincerely, it's going to change. I agree. Okay.

When are you going to do it? Well, it's only Wednesday. So, sounds like this week. It's going to be the week. Shit. Yep. Follow up with us. And if you go soft or get nervous,

you're potentially putting yourself in a bad situation. This is something. Yeah. You ever seen that video of horses on a huge ladder that dive into tiny pools? You know what I'm talking about? No. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

I can't say. What an algorithm reveal. What are you talking about? Back in the day, horses would be on like a 200-foot little pier, little circus trips, and they would jump off and land in a very small... What year are we talking? 20s, 30s.

Oh, black, yeah, okay, all right. Jump in these tiny little... Kid pools or something. Yes, but deep. Yeah. You can't miss. Yeah, you can't. So, AJ, you can't miss.

kid. He's right. Yeah, kind of a do or die here. Let me ask Jake a question quickly about our follow-up. He's going to have his phone. Don't film it. No, not film. Do we want the voice memo rolling? If you do... Oh, yes, because he's got his phone. He's going to be yelling into it. We get the fucking full side of

the call if we want. AJ, will you please? You just start recording before you walk in. You put your phone in your pocket. You fake the call just like before. And we hear the whole thing. When you're done, just fucking stop up. Here's what we're going to do to end this call.

Okay. Do a version of the call right now, and when you hang up on the guy you're talking to, hang up on us. Hang up. That's how you're going to exit. Okay. Make this the best one.

I want real heat, and then, AJ, for real hang up. So you're not going to hear us say goodbye. Yeah. You just end it. Ready? When ever you are ready. Hey,

Hey, okay. One second, get called. Look, I told you, going to call back. You don't want me to get results. Call me back, you want results. It's a shame that that was his worst one. And we brought you by Mint Mobile. When we were kids, summer meant freedom. No homework, no teachers, no school.

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They're hanging in there with the Gil promo code. If that doesn't tell you that Squarespace is awesome, I don't know what will. Hello? Hello, sir. Hello, sir. How are you, sir? I'm good. Good, sir. Sir, where are you calling from, sir? I am in the state of Georgia, the Atlanta area.

Georgia, sir. And what's your name, sir? It's Josh. Josh. Josh, how old are you? I am 48. 48, what's your height? I am 6'2. 6'2 calves-wise? You're probably rocking some pretty big fellas. You're dragging all that weight around all the time, right?

Yeah, they're pretty big. Okay, it's irrelevant. Listen, you got, Josh, you got me, Gareth, your rock. And then we also have our guest helper, an incredible actor, a stallion in the world of Dungeons and Dragons. We have the great Christian Lee Navarro joining us. Hello, hello. That's awesome. We're going to solve this now.

How are you, Christian? You can answer him. I'm doing really well. Josh, I think you're lying about it. your calves. Hmm. Interesting. Kristen, you got good calves.

How much weight have you dropped in the last year? You like... Yeah, I dropped about 15 to 20 pounds. I'm not sure exactly, but now I'm in bulking season, which just means I eat. Why are you in bulking season? You're building up for something? The incoming apocalypse, Gareth.

Can I be a part of your team for this? Sure. It's fun. I feel like you're going to have a good squad. Yeah, I'll learn. And you're in Indiana right now doing the John June Masters Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, it's one of the biggest gaming conventions, Gen Con in Indiana, Indianapolis. And we've been here for a couple of days.

We've taken over Indiana. Good. And it's a lot of fun. So you stay where you are, Josh. Don't leave Georgia. Josh, 48, Georgia, 6-2, calves in question. what can we do for you today? So it's kind of an interesting problem,

and so bear with me, but I'll set it up real quick. So I would say that on a professional level, I've spent most of my life running towards danger. Right out of college, I joined the Marine Corps, and then I spent a bunch of years in public service. First is like a fireman in advance DMT, and then I switched over in law enforcement where I was a SWAT operator.

I got to be honest, you really backed up that initial claim real quick. Yeah, really, truly. Because I was like, what is he talking about here? He's like, if the restaurant's shutting, I will race in with 10 minutes left and get to the buffet. No, you're the real deal. Okay, so you like danger. You're six, too. It seems that way.

Are you talking to me here, him, Christian? Well, always thank you, Gareth. But thank you for your service, Josh. Yeah, and same to you, Josh, and same to do. No, not needed. All right, keep going, my man. Okay, so I would say on multiple occasions, I've, you know, had the opportunity, if you will, to run into like burning buildings or treat traumatic injuries in an ambulance or, you know,

testify murder cases or breach doors and I've been shot at, okay? So I feel like I'm pretty fearless and I don't back down from danger of conflict. That's not my nature, right? On a personal level, I'm happily married. I have amazing kids ranging from six months old to 19 year old. So I'm clearly a glutton for punishment. Sure. But I would say life is great, but here's where my problem is.

And it comes from my wife. I am absolutely terrified of her. I'm terrified of her. We actually met at the Police Academy, and she is actually still in law enforcement as a special agent. I left law enforcement and went into the tech industry. But like you said, I'm, you know, 6-2-25, and I'm originally from Alabama. My wife is 5 foot, about 110 pounds. She is Puerto Rican, and she's from New York.

Me too. If I mean. Yeah, it's tough. Okay. So the dynamic is when I get her. mad, she gets very loud, very angry. She can be very mean and direct, and she can also be pretty passive, aggressive, and her little petty.

So when there's conflict or I even sense it, it's like that third sense. I immediately try to surrender or avoid it. So I just avoided at all costs. Did you call it a third sense? Yeah. How many senses you rockin my guy? Well, I'm probably five or six. Yeah.

So is this? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Five first six. Look, do you see dead people? Then you got six. If not, you're not going to regular five. If her, if you feel like her attention is three, I got to ask you, you can hear, obviously. Can you see?

Yes, I can. I think that's the nerves bringing up a third. You got a fiver. But keep going. So you're saying you got a six cents for when she's starting to bubble. Yeah, I know. So, like, a good example of just how ridiculous and all over the specter can be is it centers around broccoli of all things.

I hate the stuff I would say once every couple of weeks she'll cook it and it'll be in our dinner right? Like a month ago I don't know if I was having a stroke or just feeling crazy I sat there looking at my plate and the kids are at the table and we're eating and I just said you know I hate broccoli

and it stinks and when you bake it it makes the house stink and I'm not exaggerating it was like a horror movie to just lowered her fork and she stared at me and then immediately got loud and proceeded to tell me basically how I was setting a bad example for the kids by not eating healthy food that I don't like, and she proceeded to tell me how I had gotten fat, and it's done a little. I can confirm that your wife is, in fact, Puerto Rican. Oh, yeah.

The result is back. She's positive. Yes. So I, of course, immediately said, you know what? It's really not that bad, and I smiled, and I think the petty side came out, and now I promise she cooks it three more times a week. Jesus. Okay. There's a lot of set up here.

Yeah, let's go. Yeah. So my question is this, how do I stand up to my wife and not back down from conflict? How do I charge it first into discreetment with her? Because honestly, like, I'm just, I just avoid it on forever. Christian, you're, let's go.

I mean, yeah. Yeah. I'm white. The de facto Puerto Rican, the defectal Borikwa here. first of all, you are wrong always. That's what you need to learn with a Puerto Rican woman. With most women. Even in the outside of the Puerto Rican zone, I'm like, look, this is just, you're supposed to be afraid of them.

Right. That's a hell of thing. I guess this is what I'll offer. You'll never be right, but you can allow her to be more right than the first time. so you just have to convince her that she came up with the idea whatever it is now yeah go ahead

keep going well what does that look like so so if you're like let's say it's the broccoli how would you Christian if you could go back you're watching the game film on the broccoli event which by the way I mean Josh look we're on your team we're going to get it done for you we're going to give you some angles here but you chose a really weird time to

I mean that's that is the honor you know what i just the time where that's just the time where i created the conflict and that was a representation of how i immediately backed out like like there's a current ongoing thing now that i haven't i haven't created the conflict and i haven't what's that what's that so in this these aren't all food things that we and honestly in the big steam of things finances like kids we're on the same page we're great but just these little things sure so she often likes to make these like kate pea cheese smoothie things they're disgusting and Instead of saying anything, I just sneak off to the bathroom like a pervy teenager

and pour it down the sink or the toilet. That's the right move. Yeah. I mean, listen, here's what I can get into the mind of a Puerto Rican woman for you. Okay. Being raised by many. It's all love. They've poured their time and their energy into that fucking broccoli.

And the kids are there eating the broccoli. And this is the moment after her eight-hour day, after an hour in the kitchen cooking this fucking broccoli. for you that it came out. So it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with, can he feel the love that I poured into this? And I think with the smoothie and all that,

does it hurt you at the end to eat the fucking broccoli? No, it's good for you. It is good for you. But maybe, yeah, sweet potatoes next time, right? Hey, your broccoli's amazing. I would love to try this other dish. Why don't you try this, baby? I mean, you know, there's other situations,

you know, I have, you know, the ultimate proof of my home life cowardice is sitting in my garage right now. It's a zero-turned lawnmower that cost more than my truck because we had four acres in the back that we had agreed early on. We bought the house to keep in a wooded area. She mentioned we should clear-cut it and put grass. I mentioned that was a bad idea. And I think she picked up that I had no intention of listen to her. And I came up from work one day.

And there was a crude clear-cutting the whole field and bus hogging in. And now I spend five hours every Saturday cutting grass because she wants grass back there. so anytime I really push back it's just it's a dangerous situation I feel like I've got to be more tactical than I've ever been in my job so we need some sort of there's no panacea but I mean we need

I wonder if look I wonder if you maybe want to write yourself a little pocket speech that's just goes down the list of credentials and things that you have done and you can almost

try to get her to find it charming if you are like I'm a veteran I have worked in law enforcement I have run into burning buildings multiple times I've seen the look of death in the eyes of a person

only to bring them back from the light I have medals I have ribbons I have pictures with dignitaries the mayor has thanked me there should be a day named after me and I'll be damned if broccoli is going to take me down.

And like something like that where you can maybe just start to get soapboxy a little bit, maybe it's charming. Maybe it's a way to just kind of just a little code of something that just tells her that and it's just like a god damn it, I got a lot of respect for you. But I will not be steamrolled every time. Yes, Saturday I'll be out in the yard mowing the lawn for five hours. but I am not going to drink a chickpea and chia smoothie. I'm sorry, babe.

No, I deny these orders. I think he's just crabby with that. I think my best bet is to do a speech kind of a, I'm not a comedian, but kind of in a gamey way. Yeah. But like, you know, they say there's always some truth behind what people say. Yes. Maybe I'll just say it, oh, we're joking around,

but I'll like kind of draw that line. And then if she really gets mad, I'll be like, hey, I'm playing around. on it, but then I just kind of maybe start moving that life. You know what I would do? I would write it and print it, and I would laminate it, and I would have it ready to go so that you know where it is. And then what I would also do is on your phone, find some sort of like inspirational music,

music that swells, Christian. You know what I'm talking about, these dramatic speech moments. You've got to have the kids get into it too. Yeah. That's the way. Oh, maybe they can hum a little like, lolly, lulli, ha, l'laloo. As you're like, I've seen it all.

Yeah. They're all standing as saluting, yeah. But I will not eat broccoli if I don't think it's a good taste. And all the kids have to, obviously. I'm going into the other room for five minutes. Honestly, I like, I'm honestly like already thinking about the production value of it. Okay. I'm thinking recording this on my phone.

Yeah. And I'm literally going to have the kid, one, my oldest maybe come in and say, prepare yourself for a speech, and then I'm just going to come in all dignified, and I might even lead in with some lame stuff like, you know, the 75 Marines have been defending this country, and I was able to take a part of that. And then I moved on to serve my country and my community and my neighbors, and I sacrificed a lot.

I would pepper in some specifics, you know? I'd be like, I mean, again, I don't know you, but, you know, there was that squirrel that was caught in the tree that was making all the noise and they wanted to euthanize it and I said no right I said I will get up there we will remove the squirrel and we will put it in new place because you mean like like name some real specific scenarios yeah I mean listen give her the resume but also give her a couple of these things where it's like you know but I mean I'll even you know you know you know the night that I came was coming home and the guy on a motorcycle had run into the flatbed trunk

and everything was on fire and he was about to get burned up. I ran in there and drug him away from that fire. Yes, this is good. I've got some dingers I can work in there. Someone she probably doesn't even know about, maybe just to kind of wow or knock her off her feet. Okay, this is what I'm going to suggest.

We're doing a session right now. Why don't you do this? And Jesse, tell me if this is okay. Josh, why don't you write this up? Again, this is not our final draft. But why don't you take 20 minutes right now Write this up. Okay.

And we are going to have you come back on. And after our next call, let's hear what you got. Put a little work into it again. You don't have to memorize it. But just that's a perfect one, in my opinion. That, like, specific is really, that's pretty good. What do you think of that, Christian? Okay.

I think, I heard you use the words production value, which means your brain and my brain, they might work a little similarly. I would frame this and film this like a breaking news address, and it's you're a Marine, the president of the United States addressing Congress about why they're going to war, right? Breaking news from your address,

and it's your son or daughter that introduce you, and you take the podium. Josh. Ladies and gentlemen, yes, exactly. What if I record this like I'm sitting in a news desk or something? That's what I'm like it's the best one. Like I'm the present sitting there giving a speech and then I have the kids come in and say,

we've got an announcement, and then I just throw that up on the TV and then I require us. And there'll be no questions. Just whoever, we have 10 minutes, no questions. Introduce Josh. And maybe you end it by saying, and may God bless you and continue to bless all the lovely Puerto Ricans,

especially my wife. So what do you think? Why don't you just get the script? Can you do that, write that real quick, come back in like 20 minutes. and let's hear the just loose version. And we'll give you some pitches in that direction. And then you can go off write it and then keep us posted once you.

Absolutely. Beats you with an umbrella when she hears this. Hello. Hello, sir. Josh? Yes, sir. Josh, how we doing, buddy? When we last left you, you were going to write your Independence Day, resume,

try to somehow batten the hatch of your Puerto Rican wife. Once more onto the breach, dear friends. Once more under the breach. So what did you come up with, Josh? Are you ready to present? I will say I tapped into something I didn't realize was there. That right? And it just blows out of me.

So I literally, as I'm writing this, I'm envision myself in front of the country and I'm ready. Josh, listen, buddy, we're proud of you. We celebrate you without, further ado. Do you want me to do the kid intro that you're looking for? Um, no. No. So what I... Just get into it. No. What I think I'm going to do is I'm literally going to mock up a video of like a news break. Yeah. And then I'm going to have a video of me sitting at a We're going to hear now is what you're going to record. Correct. Okay. Go ahead, Josh, whenever you're ready. All right. You ready? Yes. Yes. All right. My fellow Americans,

in 1775, the United States Marine Corps was founded. And in 19, King 98, I earned that title and I helped support that mission of protecting this country. From Mississippi to Georgia, I served this country as a firefighter. From the young child who got lost in the woods during those freezing temperatures to the bedridden man trapped in his house that was on fire, that kid and stuck under the hood of the car, I made a difference. From Alabama to Georgia, I put that shield over my heart. I struck a gun to my chest and I responded to every call for help.

from that kidnapped child that I found riding in the car in the interstate to the bank robber who barricaded himself inside the apartment with a high-speed chase with the guy who had his kids in the back seat with no seatbelts. I tirelessly tried to enforce the law to protect my community. Professionally, my courage is undisputed. Yet for too long, a silent crisis has plagued the executive branch of this home. Under the guise of domestic harmony,

this administration has engaged in a policy of absolute, unconditional surrender. I have sat on sofas I do not like. I have stared at walls, painted colors I despise, and I have eaten food that I loathe. But tonight, the line must be drawn in the sand. Effective immediately, I'm declaring a state of emergency in this kitchen. We can no longer sustain the sanctions currently imposed upon my plate.

I'm officially signing an executive order banning the following items from my personal consumption, broccoli. This vegetable has absolutely no place. in the diet of a grown marine. Cheese food smoothies. They look and taste like swamp water. No. Brownies made with chick peas and sour cream. It is a crime against baking, nature, and God.

Furthermore, this ban extends to any and all food, regardless of their supposed health benefits that I simply do not like. I do not take this action lightly, and I know the risk. I am a six-foot-two man standing before a five-foot-tall Puerto Rican, but tonight I choose freedom. and I find my voice. Thank you. God bless America.

God bless his house. God bless my wife and God bless my survival. Oh, fucking hey. Yeah. You take it here? I don't ring the bell early normally, but that's a ring of ding.

That is, I mean, Christian, that is. You did check into something. I didn't know you had that in you? That is some next level shit. Yeah, so it's there. I mean, it's obviously there. but I just don't let it come out here and I think it's time to take a stand.

I think you're doing it in a funny way, but also that's quite a resume. I mean, you hear those credits back to back and you just know that this guy's drinking chia swamp. Don't feel right. No, I want to... You sacrificed for us. Yeah.

She could sacrifice the chia seeds for you. Yep, yep. I cannot fucking wait for you to film this. and play it for her. Well, that's my plan. I'm going to film it, and then I'm going to try to play it on our TV, and I'll have it set up where hopefully we'll get her

from the backside watching it. And then... You see, Christian, won't we? Please tag me. Yes, we will share appropriate. But, Christian, I want Josh to know that's not lost on me that he didn't even need to hear the direct order from the podcast host that we need her reaction filmed.

He just got right into it. I mean, this is a hero. This is a pro. The only thing you're suggesting. Yeah, I got one too. Go ahead. You want to go first? Yeah, please.

No, you go. You're the guest. I think you should give it your best go at also reciting this in Spanish directly after. Oh, my God, Eureka. Josh, is it possible? I will try anything, whether or not she'll sit there. What we could do, what we could do is say, and now in Español, and you just start it, fumble it, and go,

sorry, I can't do this. Just listen to the English one. That's good. Well, I don't know if I can pull up the whole speech in Spanish, but what if I do a paragraph or two? And I know I'm going to struggle naturally anyway, and then what if it's so bad, then I can just say, you know what? Find the timing.

You don't need to overdo it. Listen, you've done a really, really good job very quick. quickly. So what are you going to wear? I'm actually going to put on a new suit that I bought recently for a wedding when I went so I'm going to dress it up with the red tie and everything. Hey, do you have your marine suits? Yeah, but I don't want to, I mean, I've been out for like 20 years. I don't want to throw it. They probably wouldn't fit anyways because as you know, I'm fat.

By the way, he don't want to sit there in a suit that he's too fat for telling his wife he won't eat vegetables and drink smoothies. You know what I mean? She's going to be able to be like, you can't even fit in your fucking thing. Look, Josh, I'm signing off on this. Christian, are you turning a key? I think you did an incredible job, Josh.

I'm excited to see what happens. Josh, I just... Well, thank you so much. So I will keep you updated. You have my word. I will do this and follow through and send it to you. And hopefully this doesn't have to be used as evidence against my wife in court down the road.

Hopefully not. And Josh, we do expect the footage you're talking about. And I know I have no authority to say this, but that's an order. Yes, sir. You'll get it. Thank you for calling you, sir. Hey, thank you for your service, man. You really are a stand-up guy. Thank you. Thank you, Josh. I appreciate it. Nice to meet you, Christian. You'll have a good day.

All right, buddy. Go get them. Bye. Remember, Doc. Bye. Yes, sir. Bye. Hi, super long-time listener. I've been listening since, like, episode four. I've always found you guys' advice entertaining at the least, have found some of it mildly helpful. But a recent episode provided advice that has, I didn't realize I was even needing it that much. It was the episode where the woman moved to D.C. and she didn't know how to be, like, a rude city person. I have never identified with a caller as much as her.

I also feel like I don't know how to just, I don't know, not assume the best intentions from everybody. I'm from the Midwest, and they call us like Midwest Nice or Iowa Nice. And I do that, and then I feel the same way as her. Like, I almost feel offended when people are mean to me for no reason, because I'm like, why don't fucking deserve that? But instead of getting, like, rude or, you know, coming back at them, I just, I get sad and I get offended.

And I'm, again, I have never identified with the caller as much as her. I felt like I met my soul sister or something. But I was just, I've been trying to remember that I can just say, we have free will. And I can just say like, eat a dick. Because I thought that advice was really good and to like start reframing how you think of these things. And I was just pulling out of my alley and somebody was trying to pull. in, but out of nowhere, they were whipping into the alley. And they threw their hands up at me and started yelling at me from inside their car and

were, you know, glaring at me. And I just looked at them and I said, shut up, asshole and eat a dick. And it felt so, so good to not be like, oh, my God, they hate me. Or, oh, maybe I was the one in the wrong. No, they were the one in the wrong. They were the assholes. And I didn't need to feel bad about that. And so I had to send you guys voice memo.

I apologize for how long it is. But I love this podcast. It brings me such joy, such life. But now I've actually gotten like super helpful advice from you guys. And I really, I really appreciate it. I'm going to keep telling people in my head or otherwise to eat a dick. So thank you for that. Just want to mention that all new episodes.

are released a day early on Hulu. Yep. We are also having our back catalog is going to be on Hulu. We're going to be about 20 at a time. So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu. Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies?

No, and you can get season one, season two. We're going to have a nice melange on Hulu, but the day early. I mean, there's a lot of advantages. Here's another thing. people going, well, I don't have Hulu. You got YouTube? Because we're there, too.

Yeah. Hulu a day early. YouTube for stragglers. And also, you go, I don't have that. Well, we got Patreon. Yeah. And they go, I don't have that. What do you want?

Yeah, okay, Jake. We're trying to be inclusive and you're yelling at them. But I think you're right. It's just, look. Watch this show anywhere. There's a lot of options. Who's early. Hulu's early.

Audio day of, YouTube day of, Patreon, no ads. Here's the way to remember it. Hulu, new, so Nulu. It's not the way to remember. They also have back catalog stuff. Okay, then that we call... Yeah, all right, it's falling apart. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at HelpfulPod at Gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis,

Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast.

That was a hate gum podcast. What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up, everybody? I'm Beck Bylan. And man, ooh, we got something to tell you. Oh, yeah, we definitely do. Yes, it's a brand new podcast on HeadGum. That's right. And it's called What's Our Podcast?

Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast you'd be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about and then we try it. Yep. Guests like Mark Maren, Jack Black, Brini Brooskey, Caper Lan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter and Tim Balls, Landon Axler, Jony McGreeze, and Dender. And Dender.

New episodes release every Wednesday. So subscribe to what's our podcast. On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah. I'm gonna go do it right now.