We're Here to Help - 316: Dick Tracy & Snow Goose Affair

Episode Date: August 17, 2026

The guys put Mumbles on an About Me board. Then, they make a boat captain jealous. Plus, a follow-up from Ep 307 "Second Deck (with Damon Wayans Jr)."See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-316Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. And we are back. And we are back. Gareth, I got something that I'm going to show you this intro. You're excited. I'm excited for you to see it.

Okay. So, going through a move, going through old stuff. Long move. Don't even get me started. Glacial. Well, I've been gone a lot.

I know, but... And so I'm back and forth, and then we're doing stuff to the new house. Yeah. It's a whole thing. Yeah. It's a drag. Anyway, it's not what this is about.

No. But I was going through the attic, and I don't know if you're but I know you are because I've heard about your Spider-Man costumes and that stuff, and boxes of wigs. It's old weird boxes in the attic of stuff from old stuff. The old era. Yeah, where you're like, I just saved it.

This, I'm getting rid of it all. You are? Yeah. Just I'm like, this old, I used to play a character, a four-year-old alcoholic named Wally, and I did him for years on stage, and I had a little shirt out where. I saw it. I'm like, why am I saving the, who cares? What my daughters are one day going to be like,

that was the character I've never heard of. I know. I'm like, is there going to be a hall of fame of my clothes? Do you have that Wally outfit, Jake? Remember that character that you used to actually get vodka drunk and would play and nobody in the world remembers you? Do you have the shirt?

I go, I do. Or it'd be like, I don't. Like, nah, well, the project's not going to get off the ground. We were going to literally put it behind glass and put it in the weird... It's going to be in a hard rock. People want Wally. Exactly. We're bringing back planet Hollywood.

so many weird jackets where I was like, well, I'll never wear this leather jacket, but I do always wear this when I did that sketch that I'll never. Holding on to old sketch stuff is very weird, but also very relatable. Yes, because I'd also go, well, those were good for auditions. Yeah. And I'm like, well, that's good if they ever play like a cop.

I'm pretty sure you're good to. That feeling of like, there's, and I know you know this. There's boxes of stuff. Oh, yeah. That you go like, and also schedule, rehearsal schedules from old sketch shows. Or notebooks. No books.

Written comedy. Scripts. Where you're like, oh, well, this was a draft four. Yeah. Well, I might need that musical script at some point. I'm like, the fuck is happening.

But I came across one gem and it was old VHS tapes. So you had to get a VCR. Better. I found a way to digitize them. Oh, you took it to a place? Just took it to a place. Didn't even know what was on him one I put on Patreon

But it was when me and Edelstein first got out to town Oh my god we did one of those VH1 talking heads Where it's like the 10 rules of dating you you did a real one no it was like a pilot oh my god But that's not what this is okay there was another VHS tape that I found that Um Was more dated and it was my father's Commercial Oh shut

Your mouth. Footage, not with the Chevrolet stuff in it, but him, his partner, Monty, Scotty Pippin. What is going on? Horace Grant, when they were rookies. Croco partner Horace and Scotty? The commercial is all it is, it's the raw footage, but it's, it was then cut not much better.

Because I remember when I saw it growing up, it was on a channel, the channel 50, which was like the black channel. and I hadn't seen my dad in a while and I used to watch it and I was watching it and it was my dad's aesthetic because the dealership was on the south side of Chicago it was all like purples and maroons

and the commercial is like it's city Chevrolet it's a sure throws a basketball and it goes in shot oh so wait and when before we watch what are your any questions thoughts I'm just I've never I've never heard words come

out of your dad's mouth. I've heard you do your impression here. So there's a lot of joy here. I'm going to be honest, it's a win no matter what it is. Part of me is hoping we're about to watch you miss a bunch of shots, but I don't think that's what it is. Yeah, okay. Because you always wonder, like the outtakes.

I said uncutting correctly. Okay. This is the final version, but it's not cutting with the locals. No bells and whistles. No bells and whistles. Okay, got you. Not color, not sound. Sure.

No, but I wish it was. I wish it was. I was way shot. I was so shot. Now I'm throwing it over the backboard. And I also wish he was screwing up the lines. The awkwardness in between. We're Horace Pippet and Scotty Grant.

Damn, and he made it on that one. Oh, my God. It's even got the... This is it. When it comes to basketball, Scotty Pippin and Horace Grant are the pros. Here's what they say about the savings pros at City Chevrolet. When it comes to team, And making the best deal on a new Chevrolet.

Best place in Chicago. It's city Chevrolet. Here's why. Then you'd see cars. I love the Bobby McFerrin rip off. The hotbeat of Chicago land. These guys are real pros. Will you just go back to the shot?

You know what? He doesn't talk. I forgot. I don't. I'm not even really bothered by it. It's you. The heartbeat of Chicago And you and Dan

broken out in the timeline we all deserve In the timeline we all deserved in the timeline So that is why When we were talking about us All having a car dealership It all is

City was where my brother And I would ghost visit him at times Him and Monty were characters You were like that guy Was running it He had a terrible alcohol and cocaine problem By the way, that shot was from like an inch away. Bring him closer.

Hey. Wait, will you? Yeah, he's tiny. I mean, compared to that. I want to see if he was on a box because my dad was 5'10 and Scott and Horace is 610. Oh, those are giants. I just want to see if they put my dad on a box really fast. Because he's way taller than Monty, his partner.

And in real life, there, he's not way taller. Yeah, I believe him to be on a box. Yeah, he's on the box. He's definitely on a box. Look at how short is part of her. The five for Scotty. Oh, my God. That was improvised.

He couldn't believe he made it. He blew. He went, yeah, she in the finals. They're like, yeah, we got to go. We don't remember your name. Before we go, your thoughts. Phenomenal, what an era. It's just nostalgia.

And also, I mean, my God, it's, you, commercial acting with the mustache. Very similar. You're right. If we could take you and put you in that era, start you from scratch, 45% probability you end up doing basically the same thing.

Yeah. Woo! All right, little white guy. Here's my question. Here's my question to you. Are you the partner, Monty? Oh, my God. Yes.

Yeah. In another world. If we met in Chicago. Let me know if you need me to shoot a cut. We don't. Because I could do a couple. We're good. Got it.

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It only takes a few minutes. Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services and chime card provided by Chime's bank partner. Qualifying direct deposits required. Terms and limits apply. Go to chime.com slash disclosures for details. Our show should be called reactions. Hello.

Hello. Hi, welcome to reactions. Can we get your name, please? I will use my real name, which is Ila. Hey, you got to talk way louder here, pal. Well, really? Welcome to reactions. Ila.

Okay. I like, I can't hear a goddamn word you're saying. Ila, Jake's heart of hearing. Go ahead. Yell it. Isla. Is it? No, no, that's the white version.

I have A-J-L-A. A-J-L-A. Wow, yeah. That's not the white version. How old are you, Ila? I'm 26. 26. Where are you calling from, Ila?

I'm calling from the Midwest. Okay, so real name, region. Very subdued, Ila. Agreed. Thank you. Hey, Ila, here's what I need you to do. Yell for just three seconds. Yeah, I'm excited to be here.

Let's see what happens. I'm excited to be here. Do another one. I'm not work, Jake. Oh, okay. I understand. Makes a lot more sense. I just got fired.

And, Isla, what's going on today? What's up, Eila? Nothing much. So my issue is, I have an office. I have an office. job for a huge university and in a big, very social department. And they're all great guys. The people here are always planning around events and gatherings. Like every holiday is celebrated, even the random ones like Earth Day. And my work also has a thing called About You Boards,

which are bulletin boards with pictures and facts by yourself that you design and they make last you in the office. And then a name is drawn monthly and the chosen victim has to make a board about themselves. So my prayers have been working, and I've survived from this for months, and then my name got picked at the last drawing against my will. And I asked that this is mandatory, and I got the corporate version of, yeah. So the issue is, I don't want to do it. I've already shared everything I'm willing to.

I feel like ludicrous and rollout. I want to spend time going through pictures for more work activities. And they don't even know anything else about me. Really quick. Tell us why you feel like Ludacris and Rollout What specific lyrics Get out of my business

My business And like What's in that room You know Yeah Oh fucking yeah dude Go my business My business

What's in that room Yeah You know I worked with Ludacris Really A.k.a. Chris Chris I remember

You told me a story That was from Friends with Benefits Yeah with Liz Merriweather Not Friends Yeah, right. No Strings Attached. Friends with Donovanfitts was our rival movie with Justin Timberlake.

Sorry. You were a bug's life. I gave you ants. I apologize. But yours was better and did better. I don't know if that's accurate. They were pretty similar. So, Ila.

Ila. Yeah. So you got to do a board. You don't want to do a board. You got called in to do the board. You feel like fucking Chris Bridges, aka Luda. And what is that?

the specific question we can help you with today? Yeah, so my question is, what can I do to get out of it or do to reveal the smallest amount about myself while still flying under the corporate radar? I think that's a really good question, Ila, and I think there's my first pitch. I'm going to jump right into pitches, Gareth, and I know it's mostly we can do more questions, but this is really to Ila. What if we create a fake character, a.k.a. Ludacris to Chris Bridges, and what you put out of that board is all fiction?

I'm so down for that. Yeah, I'm down for lying. Now, here's my only catch. Do you guys want to see an example board that Ila sent? Yeah, I do a cute cap. That's your new nickname. Captain's a terrible nickname. I love the reason we call him cute,

the reason we call her cute cap is she was wearing a cute cap in our intro today. She was, oh, she was, wow, Natalie brought this up. Oh, you're on cute cap anymore. You're an R.A. at a college. No, this is like one I found online. I don't have time to nab by my coworkers. Okay, so it's, Gareth, tell all the audience who are driving or walking around their house doing chores while the kids is sleep. First, I'll just say, I really get what you're talking about.

It's a loud bulletin board with sort of crown royalish crochet paper going around the top of it. It says, turn up with your RA on like different cards. and then it says the RA's name. Hello. Hello. You there? Can you hear me? I hear you perfectly, Gareth.

Oh. I can also hear you. Did we lose Ila? Let's really quickly, while we're waiting for her to come back, what is your thought, Gareth? Where are we going to pitch on this? Let's just keep the show going. My first thought was what you said. Just create a character.

Let's just invent a thing that is just like, you know, let's make her like a surfer. Yeah, whatever it. Yes. And then we get details. But here's the catch with that. And this is what I'm worried about. She's going to have to live with that when they ask her questions.

Yes. But if we go to the Chris Bridges, aka Luda, she could create a character. So she's Ila, aka. ludicrous or ridiculous. Yeah, or, yes. And the board is for ridiculous. I like that a lot. I like that.

And the other, my other two, I like this better. My other two pitches were, let's make it a vision board, just stuff she wants. Okay. And then the one where I thought you could do. Embarrassing, embarrassing. You could do.

Everyone's going to see what you want. You could do a leave me alone board, which is just basically you reveal that you're obsessed or the thing that nobody's going to want to, like, ask questions about. I like this. Like, my first thought, and I don't know why, was Dick Tracy. What a poll. Like, she just...

If you're... Being obsessed with Dick Tracy is so good. Because... Huh? Dick Tracy. You mean from... What was it, the early 90s that is the Dick Tracy movie? They had like McDonald's cups.

Yeah. Man, I gotta tell you, that didn't pop. Favorite TV show, Dick Tracy, favorite book, the Dick Tracy comics, favorite movie, favorite actor, Warren Beatty. And just you put up some of these. That is so funny. She's a Dick Tracy maniac.

And then when people ask her about it, they're like, what do you like about Dick Tracy? She goes like this, I don't know. Yeah, I'm going to start for it. It's kind of a dead end talking to her about Dick Tracy. She doesn't seem to know very much about it. Just be like, I don't want to get into it right now. Like, it's too much for you because you have so many thoughts.

Dick Tracy. You know what's so funny about Hollywood Studios is they were like, I'll tell you what's going to be the new Marvel. Dick Tracy universe. And you go, it wasn't. There was a moment of Dick Tracy. You know how I know that movie is not good is I saw it as a kid and was like, I didn't enjoy that very much.

Like, kid me was even like, I don't know. We don't like every movie. I don't think going to, I don't think I had an opinion that was negative about a movie until I was 14. Yeah, I agree. How old movies is good? Yeah. Oh, really? Best, my favorite movie ever.

I mean, I would see every movie. I'd be like, yeah, you're not going to beat that one. That was all. How was it? That was all. That was the best movie ever. From the Chris Farley show. Yeah.

That was, what, do you remember that movie? Yeah. That one was awesome. So good. Would you watch on TV? Everything. was awesome. I saw terrible movies, and my dad would be like, oh, and I got, hey, you're not going to beat

dad. All right. She's back, I think. You ready? Okay, yeah. Hey, Ila. It's fun to have the break through. I'm back.

Agreed. I'm back. It's okay. We kept going, and we got a pretty great fucking pitch for you. Okay. Hell yeah, brother. I think you're going to be psyched, sister. Do you?

I'm a little nervous as to her reaction. I think, I think at first, she's going to go like this. but then when she thinks about it I think you're going to go like this is good GR take us away but also remember don't get nervous with the pitch

you just did a deep sigh I can tell you're feeling anxious that it's not going to land because you got to pitch it twice let me tell you this babe you got a great pitch it's money in the bank Do you want to do it?

No okay I just don't want you to blow it I'm gonna I'm not babe come on all right I let you're blowing it okay

our pitch is that why don't we just kind of make you seem fake obsessed with a sort of weird thing that nobody would really want to talk about so my thought was and you might not even know this movie but I think that's okay maybe if you have no

if you don't know what this is at all the pitch is that you make your about me board all about your love of the comic book and the mid-90s movie. 1990 film. 1990 film Dick Tracy. I don't know her. That's a tough start. Well, let me tell you a little bit about it.

You want to know about the plot? Yeah. In 1938, a young street kid witnesses the massacre of a group of mobsters at the hands of flat top and itchy. Two hoods on the payroll. Two hoods on the payroll of Alphonse, big boy, Caprice, who leave a bullet-riddled message for police detective Dick Tracy. After catching the kid in the act of a petty theft and rescuing him from a menacing tramp.

Tracy temporarily adopts him with the help of his girlfriend. Tess Trueheart. Now, listen. Jake's in the weeds. But what it is is, is. It's a comic book that eventually got adapted in a bunch of other ways, and it was real mid. It's like if you're about Meaboard is about Spider-Man, you're going to find a lot of people who go, I love Spider-Mist, my favorite, all this stuff.

What Dick Tracy does is it basically shoots the flare of, you don't want to talk to me out into the world. Because like Jake's saying, it's just basically a old-timey cop who used the bust-up crime. Yeah, but let me tell you a little bit of. about some of these characters, I love. Yeah, this is great. This is, these are the characters. You got Warren Beatty as Dick Tracy, as square jaws, fast shooting, hard hitting,

an intelligent police detect, but sport in a yellow overcoat and fedora, right? So great look. Then you got Al Pacino in it. He's big boy, the leading crime ball. Okay, okay. You got Madonna as Breathless Mahoney. She's an entertainer at the clip.

Yes. Yeah. Where Madonna's actually in this? Yes. Yes. Then you got the love interest. Her name is Tess Truhart. Then you got the kid, a young scrimny street orphan who survives by eating out of garbage cans.

Then you've got Sam Ketchum, the close associate. Then you got the bug Bailey, a surveillance expert. Then you got these are killer names. Then you got Ed Ross plays Itchy, baby. Then you got Flat Top. Then you got Dust. Hoffman playing mumbles, baby. Oh, my God.

Mandy Patinkin has 88 keys. Oh, my God. Then you got RJ Armstrong as prune face, baby. Paul Servino is lips. It's making me remember how bad it is. Neil Summers as rodent. Oh, damn. So look, this is a way.

Then you got Robert Beecham as ribs, baby. I mean, we should just do, our show should become obsessed with Dick Tracy. I don't hate the side. podcast called the Dick Tracy watch show. But I know, if you, if you get a, nobody in that office is going to like Dick Tracy. Nobody. And nobody.

It's nobody. And if you go Dick Tracy fan and then you just Google Dick Tracy and you put photos up of Dick Tracy's side characters and then you go, like it so much that don't like to talk about it. Favorite book, the Dick Tracy Com. Favorite movie, favorite band, the Dick Tracy soundtrack. Oh, okay. Favorite thing they do on weekends, watch Dick Tracy or read Dick Tracy. Favorite restaurant, Dick Tracy themed diners.

Anywhere I can eat in a Dick Tracy costume. Favorite holiday, Halloween. So I can dress as Tess. Me and my crew can go out. Yeah, favorite costume, mumbles. everything. And so people look at it and go like, she's really into Dick Tracy.

Yeah, it's definitely enough to, you're not going to have to talk about your board. If I saw a board and it was all Dick Tracy, I'm going weird. Yeah. And then when I see I go like this, you like Dick Tracy, huh? And then you go like this.

It's okay. Yeah. Sam. Yeah. Yeah. I'm very neutral on Dick Tracy. We all are. But I would just go like this.

Like, ask me really fast. I made the Dick Tracy board and then come up to me and try to talk Dick Tracy. Hey. I saw your Dick Tracy board. You love that movie? Yeah, I think it's okay. The feeling I have is not follow-ups. A conversation over.

Oh, I will 100% do that. Great. I'm so down. This is such a winning pitch. And then for the board, all you've got to do is literally, here's what I would do if I were you, watch Dick Tracy. Oh, yes. Because it's going to. Yes.

You're going to hate it. Watch it on our Patreon. We ask everybody in our audience listening this weekend watch Dick Tracy. Ila, do a live watch of Dick Tracy on our Patreon. Okay. 100% yeah. All right. You know what?

We're going to connect you with Amy. We'll do. You can do it live. I can't wait to text her this. I do. I do have a follow-up question. So the board will be making all my favorites Dick Tracy base. Yes.

Should I also like, I don't know, does he have a costume? Should I subtly dress as him or something? No. Yeah. I think he's right. I think the initial worry you have is, no, because I don't think you want people to be like, well, she's like weird. You just want people to not talk to about this board.

I'll tell you why, I'll, it's a very funny thought. And it's, I like the idea of it for doing it. But the call in was how do I get out of this thing I don't want to do? Get out of my business going back to Luda. So if you start dressing it, you're going to pull out. You're going to start asking more questions that need answers. answers to. If you just do a Dick Tracy board, but you stay the same, golden. Now, if you want for the follow-up, it'd be nice to see you in a full Dick Tracy outfit. Yeah. And for Halloween,

for you to dress like it, that'd be great. Yeah, if you have to do how, if you do, do you do costumes in October? That works, yeah. So, yeah, for sure. Then you're full on Dick Tracy. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect callback. You're a character from Dick Tracy. Yeah. Okay. I feel okay. I feel okay about Tracy and also it is my Halloween costume. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, brother. People are going to be like a little buzzer. Uh-oh. Hollywood's out. Hollywood Hulk's here. Oh, yeah. Brother.

Eila, can you give us a little Hollywood Hogan with your hell yeah, brother? Okay. I don't know if I can. Is it just like a rough, gravelly voice? Yeah, hell yeah, it is. Okay. Okay. Hell yeah, brother. Excellent. I did not think that was going to happen. All right, maybe we do a Hollywood Hogan board. Yeah, listen, if you get picked again, we got to, we already know our next board.

The two things we will know about you is you love the mid-90s movie Dick Tracy, which again is a C at best. And followed by your whole Logan fan. I mean, look, the other thing we could do, I think Dick Tracy is golden. The other move is you're a big Hollywood Hogan fan, but you were not a fan of Hogan before he turned Hollywood. But here's the problem with that one. I guarantee there's going to be some guys there who are like,

dude, you want to talk wrestling? I agree. You're going to, nobody's going to want to talk Dick Tracy. Nobody. Nobody is going to want to talk to him. Okay, good, because I want them to leave me alone. They will leave you alone. Dick Tracy will make people leave you alone.

Dick Tracy is a repellent. If you want people to leave you alone, get a Dick Tracy shirt. Yeah. Yeah. This is a new, just wrinkle to your personality that we're inventing. I'm going to get your email from Natalie, and I'm going to put you in touch with Amy,

who runs our Patreon, because we can definitely do a live Ila watching Dick Tracy for the first time thing if you're cool with it. I mean, I'm 100% down. I'll become the most unironic Dick Tracy fan, the biggest one ever. That is legit something I'm going to tune in and watch. I definitely will. I might want to be there for it. I might try to join you, honestly.

Come join, brothers Ila, I got to say, you started out so subdued, but this is phenomenal. This is really exciting. What a win, Isla. Welcome to the team, Ila. When do you have to put your board up?

Oh, this is great timing. The guy in charge just messaged me. It's time. Yeah, do it, Arla. And I was like, lean it. Send us pictures of the board and send us pictures of the board up, and I'll see you on Patreon.

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slash here to help. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK 2. That's Quince, Q-U-N-C-E.com slash here to help. Hey. Hi. Hello. How's it going? Good. How are you? I'm good. Great. Welcome to the show. What's your name? My name is Alyssa.

Alyssa. Where are you calling from, Melissa? I'm calling from Baltimore, Maryland. Oh, beautiful. How old are you? You ever heard Nina Simone's Baltimore? 28. And what's your favorite song, Alyssa? You just got a sense of me on dates, Gareth. I love the...

When you ask a question and nobody hears it, and you're like, eh, I'll leave that on. Moving on. Favorite song, Alyssa? Yeah. Dang, I was not prepared for this one. Can I suggest Baltimore by Nina Simone? Walking on sunshine.

Okay, cool. Great. All right, great, Alyssa. I feel like mumbles from Dick Tracy. What can we help you with? Okay. I'm calling in because I've got a. work-related problem.

Okay. I work as a first mate and an educator on a boat called the snow goose. Wait, what? And I take. I work on a boat. It's pretty cool. Pretend we've never heard of your job. Walk us through it.

Okay, cool, yeah. So I take students and teachers out in Baltimore Harbor and I teach them about the environment. Like, we fish, we pull up oysters, we test the water, we do all that jets. Great. Cool. Very cool. Okay, that's a lot better. Your first mate.

Okay. And you do this full-time? Yep, this is my full-time job. Oh, we got a picture. That looks great. Yeah, it's super cool. I have one other co-worker. We can call him Captain Ben.

We got a Cat Monarcho. Yeah. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Well, kind of. It's Cap. Like, she's wearing a cute cap. We got a cap.

We got a cap. Natalie's wearing a cute cap. cap today. Natalie, will you throw the cap on and come on video for everybody on our YouTube? No, absolutely not. Natalie, Jane is asking. Give the audience a show. Natalie. I'm not here for the audience, okay? Natalie. Natalie. Natalie. Natalie. They love you. Okay. They hate me. All right.

They hate us all. They hate us all. They hate listen. They hate us. If I help, Natalie, if you have a hat, you're official, you can drive the boat. I can't drive a boat. I get seasick. My sister is a boat captain, though, so, you know, I could have that. My camera for this. There's a lot of information. This is new.

Your sister's a boat captain? Yeah. She is a boat captain in Chicago for the sightseeing companies and for the water taxis. Wow. Let's hook her up with my brother and his kids and take him on a little family combo tour. Dan is going to own that boat. I don't know about my sister and Dan's personality. Chopper 5?

No, I don't know. Chopper 5 and my sister are going to get on. He gets on with everybody. Yeah. He does. He finds a way. I was going to say he finds it. All right. Well, back to our caller.

Okay. So, Alyssa, take over. Your favorite song is Baltimore by Nina Simone. You were going to boat. Yeah. It's called The. the snow goose. Yep, that's right.

We got Captain Ben with you? Yep, exactly. So my problem is really about Captain Ben. Captain Ben and the Snow Goose, they've been together for about a decade. He loves her. He talks to her. He's superstitious about her.

When we have bad weather, he leaves his house and he goes and he checks on her. They're kind of best friends. But the company I work for, CBF is selling her. We're getting a new, like, eco-friendly boat, which is super exciting, but I'm really worried about what's going to happen to him when no goose is gone. So my question is, like, how can I cure him up?

How can I ease him through the transition? What kind of fun ideas do you guys have to help him feel a little bit better? That's a great question. First, tell us a little bit about Captain Ben, his age, his vibe. We're talking about a young hunk. We're talking about a 70-year-old. What are we at here? And look, you could be a hunk at 70, but you're not a young hunk.

It happens. He's pushing 40. Okay. He's a little grouchy. He's a softy at heart, though. Married kids. What's his, what's Captain B's life situation? He's got a wife.

She's awesome. She's also a boat captain, which is pretty cool. And then he had two dogs and a cat named Fire Truck. Okay. So he loves this. goddamn boat. Yes. He's been on, he's been riding there

for 10 years. Yeah, like, if we talk about the new boat on the snow goose, he kicks whoever's talking about it off. He says, get out of here. Okay, and how serious is he being? Is he being charming or is it real? It's real. It's very real for him.

Okay. So what is he going to do when you have this new boat? He obviously knows about that impending move. I'm not sure. I think he is excited about the new boat, but I think he's going to be really sad because he's missing his best friend. Right.

He's going to have to get to know somebody new. So the specific question today is how do we help Ben get over snow goose or transition out of snow goose? Elizabeth, will you ask the question as specifically as you can? I'm struggling here. Yeah. Like if this was a breakup, how would you? you advise Captain Ben for his breakup and help him start seeing someone new. Might I ask it perfectly.

Yeah, that's good. Well, Jake, any thoughts? I have a couple little guys here. You go first. What happens to the snow goose when it's decommissioned or whatever? Well, she is 40 years old, and she was built, like, at a time where boats were all handcrafted. and then they put fiberglass in the outside of her. They can't really fix her,

so she's probably going to be sold, but she won't be used for very long, and then she'll probably die. What does that mean? She'll probably die. Like, she'll fall into disrepair. Maybe she'll think. Maybe she'll be scrapped for parts.

Jesus. Well, I'm going to pitch, I'm going to pitch a couple things. I'm going to pitch. One thing you do is, I remember Jake whenever I would, watch the last episode of a show. Like, I remember they did this with Seinfeld.

You know, they'd do this sort of retrospective, and they'd play that Green Day song, and that would always make me be like... They would do... Yeah, I know the song. You're mixing eras. No. You're saying they did Green Day at the end of Seinfeld? Yeah, it was like,

Another turning kind of fence stuck in the road. Yeah. Last Seinfeld episode, they did that at the very end. Crazy. So they, but it was like, you look back and you were like, ah, man, that was great. Yeah. And so I'm going to pitch that you send us some media of, uh, of Captain Ben on the snow goose. And we can easily produce a little sort of retrospective of him and the goose.

The other thing I'm going to say is I think you should get like a piece of the snow goose, like some wood from somewhere. Just chip it away. It's an old boat. Get something like that. And let's burn it and put it in a little vial that he's sort of Angelina Jolie's around his neck. I just saw a documentary called The Mortician, Gareth, that on HBO that was about guys who did cremations. And they decided to, rather than do one body at a time, they were sticking 20 bodies at once in there and all the ashes getting mixed together. Man, I can't touch the burning.

What are you doing? Just telling you. It's dark stuff, brother. Well, she's going to oversee this. So she's going to... Still, you never know. No, we don't need to know that... Well, by the way, okay, look, if you're going to dig into it,

even in a legitimate crematorium, I mean... Ashes get mixed. You think they're vacuuming it out each time? That's all you? He goes, he goes like this at the end. He goes, this is crazy. I'm getting in trouble. And he goes, it's impossible to clean the ashes.

It's always mixed. Yeah. My thought was gross. Yeah, well, you know what? You're getting, you know, it's a weird thing we do. You're saying it's symbolic, but people don't want to be over their fireplace holding on to like 19 different bodies. I agree.

This isn't what this calls about. It's majority. It's majority your person. This isn't what the majority is corrupt. 90% your people, I agree. So what I'm saying, don't say that gross. So what I'm saying is burn a little piece, stop, a piece of wood. You get those ashes.

You know what? You're right. There might be a little lumber. from some other vessel or something like that mixed in. But you put it in a little vial for him to wear around, and maybe you just start referring, like maybe this is not good, and nobody's going to like this. But he can call himself and the snow goose cremates.

Okay. I think I like that. The problem with the pictures pitch is that he hates having its photo taken. He's pretty grouchy. So I would have to take the photos in secret. I just want you to know what Jake did when I said premates. Let me jump in. He was disgusted.

Gareth, we're not, no. You weren't happy. I got a better pitch. If I said a Viking hero. Ellis, I got a better pitch. Okay. Gareth killed the last pitch so much with Dick Tracy. He'll find out when you hear.

You are in the shadow of the previous. It's gone. I'm sorry. He's right. Go ahead. This is, you're not going to like it at first, but I think it's the right pitch. The question you said was, how do I get somebody over a breakup? The way you get over a breakup is not to cremate them.

The way you get over a breakup is to find out that they were cheating on you. You bang someone new. Well, he's going to bang somebody new, the new boat. But the real way is if you find out, you got to create a whole thing that there's another captain that has been checking on the snow goose every night. And it's this whole thing where you go,

Ben, I got to tell you, the snow goose has been seeing another captain. It's a whole backstory about this affair. At night after he leaves, you get surveillance photos of it. You do it like an old Dick Tracy. You do fake PI photos where you get a photo of what looks like the boat at night with a different person on it with those like, you know,

you ever see the show Cheaters with Joey Greco? Yeah. So you try to get footage that looks like the surveillance, and you present it to Ben like cheaters where you go, there's something you need to know about Snow Goose that I just feel. And he'll go, what are you doing? And go, she goes, Snow Goose has been with 15 other captains in this last year and half. Where he goes, what?

It's disgusting. And then what looks like an orgy on Snow Goose where it's just all captains and snow goose and just ruin the purity that he has felt with Snow Goose. And now, how nice is it to start over? Because that relationship got. Ugly. Okay. So kind of like the good and the bad on Garrett's side,

it's like we honor her memory on Jake's bad. We tarnish it. Well, what you're doing on Jake's pitch is you're just, you're making the hard decision to just, yeah, you're forcing him to move on. I like the idea that maybe he'd, I mean, if you also said that the new boat is going to be just him, you know,

Like other people have been taking the snow goose out at night. You found out this stuff. But the new boat is just him. Finally, a mahogany. True. And I will say the snow goose, other people have driven her before. He's not the first captain to be on her. Yeah.

So here's our two pitches, Alyssa. And then we got to hear what you're thinking. Pitch number one, we honor the old girl. We send her off lovingly. You play Green Day. You let Captain around get a little bit sad. But then it's time to move on. Then he was pitching our guy Kyle edit something or Amy edit something.

I don't want to have our team have to edit something of a boat. Yeah, it'll be fine, but it'll be like, okay. I know the song, I know the clip, so it'll be okay. But I think if you want to do that, great. And then he's going to watch it and go like, she was a great boat. And then you go, time to move on. That will work. It'll be a sweet, sad way to do it.

But it is time to move on. but he does love this boat. I would say that will make me sadder. Where you're like, yeah, God damn. And then you go like, why are we getting a new fucking boat? It's still working. And then the new boat's going to feel cheaper and new, and you're not going to know it.

And you're going to go like, ah, whatever. If I found out that this other fucking boat had a bunch of other captains, I'd be like, yeah. And then, you know, it's just gross. And the boat is not who you thought it was. And guess what, Captain Ben, you're a sweet guy, but your eyes are closed. And you just keep showing Ben's stuff and then go, you should know the new boat is not like that. The new boat wants one captain, nothing at night.

But this is a 40-year-old boat. Boats, you do boats are almost like dog gears. This boat's been around 40 years and human years, that's 120. This thing's been around, man. You know what else? I like, if you add an addition to that, maybe start getting, do you have any pictures of the new boat? Yeah, I've got a couple.

All right. Do a little digging and find some of the nice perks on the new boat that the snow goose doesn't have too. So you're like the next relationship, you know, she's got this, she's got that, stuff that you're not going to find on the snow goose. Everything you like about the snow goose, he needs to know another captain's already done it. Yeah. Okay.

And you know what you could also do? You could say, hey, with the getting rid of the snow goose, you should know there's another captain who used to ride her that's really sad. And I guess they had a 30-year relationship. And so he's really sad about it. And he's going to spend a lot of time. And he looks like Luigi for Mario Brothers. but he's six feet. Maybe even, maybe even

meat, meaty hands. Once, it's going to him. She's going back with her ex after this. That's where she wants to go. That's your footing. Okay, I'm also thinking to

like Captain Ben, he's a little bit short. He might be the shortest captain. Give me a height on this king. This is now becoming personal for Jake. Oh, I don't know. I don't want to at you, Jake.

Five five five. I'm five, ten. What you fucking add to me? Yeah. I'm five. My digits on the street. I'm five ten. I'm towering over this little king.

I'm dunking on his ass, man. Shit. Dunking. He could be the tallest captain on the new boat. Yeah, I wouldn't go on his height. He's five, five. Okay. Yeah, no one's start picking that.

I wouldn't start saying you'll be the tallest guy in that he's like, what are you doing here? Yeah. What from this? are you going to take it implement Alyssa? Okay, I think I'm going to do a combination of the things you suggested. I am going to do

a retroactive, like, video that I make, maybe like a PowerPoint if I can't figure out how to make it like nice. Can I recommend you use this song, Baltimore by Nina Simone? For sure, yeah. Or Randy Newman's version. Hmm. Okay.

Either one of those will work perfectly. Different styles for sure. Yeah, but the, I mean, is saying they both kill it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Great. I want to start with photos of captains

and I'm taken secretly of him driving the boat, set to like, nice, Baltimore music. And then I want to start putting pictures of other captains who have driven the snowmen. Oh, my God. This is good. I think I can find it.

And then I'll put pictures of a new boat and I'll say he's new and just for you. Yeah. And then superimposed photos of him on it and make it seem like the boat's really happy. Can I, to your documentary, I love what we're talking about, but to your documentary pitch, Jake, should we make this like a little mini doc that like is like scandalous?

So it's almost like a beautiful boat, the snow goose, cat and Brian and the snow goose going out of the water. No, let her cook the way she's, we're not having our people take over. No, I'm not even saying that. I'm just saying she could do voice over. If you feel like it, Alyssa, but you run wild. Alyssa, tell us exactly what you're going to do here. I'm going to make a video with pictures on the snow goose of Ben,

and then I'm going to transition to all the captains who came before. And then I'm going to switch this over to the new boat. I'm going to make him look really big on the new boat, make the new boat look really happy. Great. And I do a little voiceover about how awesome and cool the new boat is going to be. I love this. I think this is really strong.

I like it a lot. Don't stretch him too much. You don't want him to walk away from this being like, am I tiny? Alyssa, you play your game, Captain. Yeah, you do whatever. And obviously, we need to see this when it's done. 100%. I can do that.

And thanks for a call. This was a great one. Thanks, Alyssa. Thank you. Bye, guys. Bye. Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow-up from episode 307 Second Deck with Damon Wayne's Jr.

Hello. What's your name, please? Hi, my name is Jenna. Jenna, we know you're a follow-up. That's all we know. So why don't you tell us your first call, what we pitched, and then we'll get into where we're at. beautiful garris i don't think you were actually here for the first call but i was calling because i had recently moved to dc and i was not accustomed to the east coast city culture yes and um basically

needed to toughen up who was that with i thought that was with gareth that was a damon this is where we told you to say like shut the fuck up stuff like that so it was it was i said suck a dick more in that like single called than I ever have in my whole life. Walk Gareth through what happened. Get me there. Yes. So essentially, I just need to toughen up to be able to assimilate with the D.C. kind of

city folk, because they're really different from West Coast city folk. She was getting her feelings hurt. A hundred percent. Like, all the time, even like smiling at someone not getting a smile back. And so what the ultimate pitch was, was a 10-day program where the

first three days, it was every time I saw anybody ever, even if it was like a child, which I struggled with, to think suck a dick. And to make it personal if I could. Hold on. We didn't pitch the child part. You're conflating. You kind of did. No way.

That was you for sure. You definitely were the one that was leaning hard on that. A cancer kid, I remember. Oh, I hate that. He totally was. Yeah. I disagree. Jake hearing Jake.

Okay. keep going. That's a stupid bitch. Those kids don't deserve that. They're fighting cancer. That's our point. I, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. And then, um, so the next three days after that, it was supposed to be only whenever I saw someone who deserved it. So, like, if I was smiling at someone and they ignored me, then they get stuck a dick.

But everybody else, if they're being normal, nice, they don't have to suck any dicks. Okay. And then the last four days, the requirement was every time or, or, or, two times a day, I tell someone to suck a dick. Like, either as a car goes by or... Could not be more of a David Wins junior pitch. If it's a car, I get that more. Yeah, okay.

So then you got to start saying it. You could say it under your breath, but just suck a dick. Yep, yep, exactly, exactly. So that was the full 10 days, and I was... The goal was to become a reformed woman on the other side. I love it. And the mantra was suck a dick to kind of give you the ad of thing. Just like you're just a fuck off.

Suck a dick. Like your own bulletin board. Okay. And? Yes. Yeah. Jenna. How did the course go?

Twofold here, right? So I think, I don't know if it as much solves my problem as much as I just think about dicks a lot more. But I will say that it did help because like whenever somebody walks by and they do something that pisses me off, I do get like the comedic relief of thinking about that I'm sucking a dick. But sometimes I'm still getting my feelings hurt, but maybe that's just, you know, like a part of the aftermath of the program that needs to take its place. But I would say it's more so just me thinking stuck in this. So we've added a new... So we didn't fix the problem.

We added a new issue and that is now you get your feelings here and you're imagining everybody's sucking dicks. Yeah. So many dicks. Lost a month of dicks. You mean you're having a very visual experience? Occasionally. Okay. Because David was saying, like, suck a little, like, shriveled old lady dick.

So we got, like, really into it. Right. So sometimes there is a little bit of, like, the vivid imagery associated with the sauce. Sure. You know what this feels like in terms of the promise of our show, Gareth? Huh. We always say you go to the bar and the uncles give advice. Well, sometimes it's at like 2 a.m.

Yeah, I was just going to say, sometimes the buzz is strong. You're like, uh-oh. Yeah. Shriveled, don't imagine everybody. Shriveled old lady dick. That feels like 1.45 a.m. The bartender trying to get everybody out, and then there was a pitch. Yeah.

You're asking for one more shot, and we already did last call. And you're like, man. And then somebody's like, I know a guy in the back. Yeah. And you're in the alley and you're like smoking something out of a can. And you're like, gross. I had no clue what the pitch would be But I never ever thought it would be that

But I did commit to it I did it Good okay But it didn't help I think there is a little bit of relief From feeling pissed off at people from Think because it's funny now right But I think

The bulk of the problem still remains But I also just may be like too sensitive Like I need like one of those bumper stickers That's like smile at me I'm gonna cry I do, Gareth? What is this screen sharing? She sent videos of her to do and suck a dick.

Although we might make them audio only for all you people. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's hear them. Suck four dicks. It's a funny footage of four people. I hope you're all eating dicks and therefore sucking on a dick. All of you. This is very good. Suck a bald dick.

Oh, wow. A bald, bald, bald one. Two of them, two bald dicks. First of all. Suck a very, very bright neon dick. You did this weird. You did this weird. To be clear, you're basically, whatever the outstanding feature is of the person,

you're like someone in a neon shirt, they suck a neon dick. A bald man, he sucks a bald dick. But you made it so much creepier with the little whispering. It was so Travis Bickle. people around. I know, but you made it so crazy. I think the pitch was thinking. No, part of the picture was I had to say it.

I had to say it out loud. Okay. I got to tell you, first of all, those videos, you paid the toll. Oh, yeah. Congratulations. Those are excellent. You're getting money back at the end of the year. Yeah, 100%.

Um, somehow I feel like it's also partly your fault. That was weird. Like now I'm visualized. When you said a bald dick with the bald guy, then you said a bra. bright neon because the woman was wearing a bright yellow. I was like, this is getting very specific of what type of dicks. Yeah. It was very visual.

I agree with you. Yeah. You know, I don't disagree. I think some of the guidance was misleading because we did get there. I do think all in all, like listening to it back, I didn't, I didn't love it. Like, I wasn't super proud of the work that I felt. Okay, let's do. No, the work was perfect.

You did, you did great work. Yeah, I think you did great. And I say that very genuinely, and I do think it was the guidance. Now, I want to do the same thing again, but not suck a dick with fuck off. Okay. But skip the first six days. Only if somebody pisses you off, now you're thinking, fuck off. Only those who deserve, fuck off, suck a bland dick.

Okay, okay. I can do that. Only if they deserve it. Now you realize most people don't deserve it. Random people walking down the street don't deserve it. Somebody eating at a cafe with friends and coworkers doesn't deserve it. Yeah, you really attacked those people just eating lunch and telling them to eat dicks. I mean, they already eaten it.

They didn't deserve it. Yeah, that was shrapnel. And now you've got to realize, hey, here's the truth. That's a big city, and you're a big part of the problem. Somebody's sitting there going like this. Some woman film is saying suck it. dick. This city is disgusting. And now I got to tell you, you're no better than

the trash of that city. A big rain's going to come clean it up. It's going to clean you up to you. You have assimilated. You have filmed yourself telling strangers to suck dicks. You're in D.C. baby. You are D.C. baby. You are. You are. You are the gill ring

in a way. You are. You are the mean street. You're filling the swamp. But now, let's pull back and only if they deserve it. You know how to give it. You gave it to strangers. Yeah, okay, I'm on board I like this better

And I think I like it That there's no visual There's just like The anger Mm-hmm Yeah Fuck off That's good

And they, guess what You are the city girl You filmed yourself In the big city Tell the people You made it You've arrived You are as much city as anybody else

I would argue more You walked around with your phone Telling strangers To suck a dick They were eating And went specifically To what they were were wearing too or the fact that they were bald you know you told the guy to suck a bald

which i don't know the other option yeah yeah i didn't that's well that's true i didn't feel like it's simulated until listening to them back so now i honestly i did feel like a huge creep like way worse than i thought because it was like this little whisper but i think that's exactly i think i'm ready for the fuck off stage i think you are you are far more there than i think you realize but the innocent gal that called in, she dead. You killed her. You want to

how she died? She sucked a dick to death. Well. But she dead. Okay. She is dead. You live in the city now. Jenna, what Jake's saying is this is all part of the course. You're right where we need to be. So don't cancel your credit card.

So just keep maybe two more months of those payments be great. Because it's working. Okay. You're right where we need. This is all part of it. We knew you'd get here. Even though I went on the first call, this is exactly where you're supposed to be right now.

By the way, Jenna, I was on the first call. It's all part of the ruse. You were just quiet. I was just quiet because I was just there to gather information for the follow-up. Exactly. Okay? We are your tutors, your teachers, your mentors, your profs. Okay.

This is fish. This is family. This is wonderful. Okay. Goodbye. This is all part of it. So are you going to do that? You don't do.

You're going to do the next fuck off only to those who deserve it. You hear? Yep. I think after you saw what I did with the videos, like you know I'll commit to the fuck off. That's a way easier ask. I'm in. But only if they really deserve it and you start feeling hurt, you say fuck off. Okay.

Yep. All right. You're golden. Your money in the bank. Go get them. And then call us back. after and give us a follow-up to this follow-up so then we know because we're not ringing the bell yet but I think we will next time.

I agree. Okay. Amazing news. Well, thank you for your continued guidance and mentorship and I look forward to being a full D.C. dick moving forward. I love it. Maybe you can't spell dick without D.C. Bye, Jenna.

Bye. Bye, Jenna. Hey, everybody. We just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help. It drops a day early on Hulu, so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go Go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike,

animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast.

That was a hate gum podcast.