We're Here to Help - 319: Beat The Wolf & Not A Clubhouse (with Fred Armisen)

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

Fred Armisen joins Jake and Gareth to help a German mother become more Greek. Then, a caller evens the scales with her too-generous neighbor.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. And we are back in studio, just at a couple calls with our great Fred Armisen, Fred. Thank you for being here. But so when you were growing up, did you want to be a musician, or did you always know you wanted to be a comedic... It was the original thing. It was musician, like a sort of combo of the two. So it was musician first, but I was drawn to musicians who did something kind of odd and theatrical, like Devo and David Byrne and even David Bowie to an extent that he had did different characters.

So somewhere in there, I was like, oh, I want to be that. That's cool. You're such a unique talent. Who are you? influences. Like, who were you kind of... I think those people, for sure. But those are, like, me...

But that's very, like, the mute, they're like... But was there anybody on screen, like an actor that you know? Like, people I saw on TV. Like, when you got on SNL, that's when I first, I was like, it was, you know...

And still to this day, anytime you do any... Portlandia, I find, holds up to such a crazy degree. The best. Oh, thanks. Where you're like, I can turn that on whenever.

And I'm always like, I fucking love this. I appreciate it. But like who is, but I still, even whenever I watch you do anything, I'm like, a lot of times I can see who somebody's copying. Like when I started, it was, I was copying Owen Wilson. I was caught in Vince Vaughn. But I was earlier copying like Belushi and then I wanted to be Farley. So there was like people that I can still see.

I'm like, oh, that's where I was copying blank. I don't know who you were ever copied. Definitely, I would say Mike Myers. Mike Myers. The way he did characters, I was very like, how does he do? when he came up with Spockets. So good. It was great.

It's so complete. Yes. And so odd in a good way. I like I never would have thought of that. Somewhere in there. So three-dimensional. Yeah. Yeah.

Everyone on SCTV, but I feel like all of us. Yeah. I mean, that's like to say SCTV now is like, well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But somewhere with where within like I'd say Mike, Myers or maybe Rick Moranis in that zone. Yeah, totally. I was like I wanted to do whatever that was.

What's weird is, this is something that never shows every time I do something, but I remember watching Bill Murray as a talk show guest. If I saw him on Letterman or something, I really admired. I was like, look how confident and relaxed that guy is. I don't think I have that, but I yearned for it. What is that? I know exactly what you mean. Well, I would watch him do Cubs commentary.

Yeah. And when I'd be growing up, he would all of a sudden be on WGN. And it just seemed like your uncle's friend who just fell out of a bar. And it would be like, he wasn't too drunk, but it would be like that perfect level of drunk of like, you're being so funny around all ages. Yeah. Like the kids are laughing. The adults are laughing. And like the older generation is laughing.

And you have a cigarette and a beer, but like you're not being inappropriate, but you're right on the line. Yes. And you're friends with everybody. And you seem happy? You're happy to be there. You're present.

No chip on your shoulder, just like a funny, fun person. And relaxed. And you don't, part of that relaxed was this moment's not too big for you. You don't really care. No. It kind of doesn't matter.

Or too small. Or too small. But, yeah, how do we incorporate that into our life? I don't know. That was the thing. He always popped up in the weirdest places. He would be on, like, local news. Yeah.

He was just, it seemed like he had a magic power, and he was just making other people feel it. But then, what was SNL for you then? Let me see if I could be Bill Murray for a minute. Let's see. I don't mean, like, an impression. What if I could be really relaxed? Like, what are you guys doing?

I can't do it. Let's see it, Fred. Just lean in. What I was watching? I got one of those. That's aggressive. I can't do it. I can't do it.

I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do that. Yeah. What are you in a lobby? Parked outside and you know with a valet part. I don't know. I wish I could like, give him a hundred bucks.

He got my car. I don't know. I can't do it. I don't have that like regular conversation. We got one of those hats. You got a hat? Give me that. That's what he's more like.

Give me that hat. Well, Fred. Fred, you're our bill. What are you shooting these days? What do you promote in, sir? I'm shooting the third season of Wednesday. Okay. And when does that?

That's on Netflix. It's on Netflix? I'm not sure when it comes out. Okay. And Jennifer Ortega? Great. Who else you're acting with on that? Jenna Ortega.

She's great. She's great. Most of my scenes are with her. Louis Guzman. No way. He's great. Did you get to work with him? Yeah, I've worked to them.

Cool. He's been in every season. Cool. So he's great. He's a hell of a career. Man, talking to that guy, you've got to talk to this guy. I mean, I would love to. He is an original New Yorker.

Meaning like, deep New York, Greenwich Village. Old Greenwich, yeah, yeah, yeah. Old Greenwich, yeah. Before it was cool. Yeah, when it was scary. Yeah. Oh, it's the best talking to him. I sat on a plane next to Dan.

DiLois. Nice. Yeah. What'd you say? Nothing. But just in terms of Louis Guzman, I feel like he's a guy I would see on a plane. Yeah. And I'd be like, I want to say something, but I'm not going to, but cool to see you here.

Yeah. And I felt that way about Daniel DeLois. I didn't talk to him, but I thought like pretty cool. Yeah. I was on a flight with Daniel Day Lewis and our seats were facing each other. What? For 10. No, I'm just kidding.

I was just trying to top it. That would have top it. I am actually Daniel Day. Lewis. So the old school sitting on trains when it was opposite. Yeah. What a nightmare that was. I was on a train.

Now this is probably, sorry, I'll make this quick. Maybe it's 10 years ago. They were like, for dinner, you've got to tell us what time you're going to be there. Pick out of time. All right. 7.15. I go up to the train car. I had to sit across from someone.

They're like, this is how we do it. I hate that. I was incensed. That's horrible. That's horrible. Agreed. Hate that. What?

Why would you do that? That's how we do it? Change it. Yeah, what's the point of the time? I want to be it alone. I wanted to eat dinner. Fred, here's your food friend. I hate that.

You got a dinner, pal. I also, the other thing I hate is the habachi style eating. No, no, I'm not into that. But my kid loves it. So I've had to go a bunch, and you can. can't take a whole table. So you have to have the U-4 and then another three. And it's always like a birthday.

So at a certain point, you got to go, how old's your daughter? And I'll go nine. I'll go like, happy birthday, Jane. And then like there's the weird egg thing and I'm like, I hate this. The egg thing. I want to do the meal. The food's fine. I like the stir fry.

I don't like a shared table. No, I don't either. Bad mood, habachi, dad. Well, it's an eight-year-old's birthday. Enjoyed, yeah. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Casper. I sleep on a Casper mattress. It is very comfortable.

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Now available in Canada and the UK, too. That's Quince. Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash here to help Fred, you want to start us on this one? Hey, one of those cameras? Give me that one of those. You want to put it? Bill Murray, you on starters?

I brought this from home. I know, okay. That's cool. It doesn't work. But, you know, I think his postures, I think he sits up pretty tall. He does? I think he's kind of,

which gives him a little, like, You respect him more right away. You also think he could probably fight, or back on the day, you'd be like, I wouldn't want to fight Bill Murray. I wouldn't want to fight anyone. Fighting is wrong. Thank you. Fighting is violent. Good.

And it's not peaceful. That's not Bill Murray. And you call yourself, and you call, no, this is not Bill Murray. You call yourself a pacifist? Yeah. Good. I never called myself. You needed that.

You needed that. I'm sorry. That was good. That was right on time. No. Oh, on you girl? I'm a pacifist. this, I'm a pacifist, that.

But as a pacifist, I can't... Well, I've changed. Hello? Fran, you have to take you. Hi. This is Fred Armisen. Hi. Can I help you? Oh, my gosh. You sound really cool. I'm like Bill Murray almost.

What? Oh, my God. You're not going to believe this. It's perfect. It's worth. Wow. It's such a pleasure to be on here. Thank you guys for having my call. Thank you for being here. So what's your name? My name is Daphne, like the dumb one from Scooby-Doo.

That's cool. Daphne, where are you calling from? Manhattan. What part? We're all up in the 160s, 170s, Washington Heights. I don't know if you ever been there. And, Daphne, how old are you? I, oh, I just turned 29, actually.

Yesterday. Happy birthday. Daphne, 29 from Manhattan. And then if there was a book written about your life, what would the title be? It would be called, wait, what? That's the title? I'll take it.

I like that. Wait, what? So now, what can we do free today? Give us a little backstory and then end it with specifically, how can we help and we will try our best? That's a guarantee. Okay. I'll set the scene a little bit.

Germany, 1975. You're a 10-year-old girl, you just sat down at the dinner table. everybody picks up their forks and goes silent. You do not talk for the rest of the meal until everybody has eaten every bite of food and putting down there your tentals. We're going to fast forward now that 10-year-old German girl is my mother,

and she is a wonderful woman, but she cannot kick the habit of eating all of her food before talking to anybody else at the table. She really, really wants to participate. Daphneek, no, let her keep going. You are cooking with her. gas, lady. She really wants to participate, and so the way that she managed this is by eating

astonishingly quickly. Like, at restaurants, leaders, Raiders will do a double take because they're like, ma'am, did we bring you your entree? And she's like, yep. I guess you're visibly nervous when they're at our home because I think they're not eating fast enough. And to make the problem worse, the rest of my family is Greek. So we're all sitting there for minimum, minimum 90 minutes. And she's just sitting there getting drunker and drunker. So my specific question is, how can we get my mother to kick this habit and eat her food at the same pace as the rest of the table? First of all, bro, go ahead. No, no, you go.

Bravo. Yeah, well done. Great. This was the first time somebody painted a picture of the past. Yeah. And then did a flash forward. It was confusing. I'll be honest.

Same. I really liked it. I did too. You did take charge. Now I have a visual. I feel like I understand your mom a little girl in 1975. That's how everybody did it. Little German.

Now I'm like, it would be tricky. That's how she developed. Flash forward to now, she's like, I just got to eat all this really fast so we can talk to my family. I must hurry. Fred, what are you thinking? Well, I'm a little bit, I'm similar to her mom. You are.

And so I'm on her side about it. Similar how, though? I eat very quickly. I'm also part German. So I wonder if it comes from that. But, um, uh, so I understand it. And if that's the way she is, my opinion is like, oh, just let her, let her be. That's how she called.

I know. That's not why she called. I know. I'm sorry. You're sorry. You're sorry. It's very, yeah. I don't think you need to worry about it.

But, uh, but, uh, I'm just on her side. I'm just like, you know. When you get a meal. Yeah. I always eat very quickly. Same. But do you talk. a little bit while eating.

Oh, maybe. So that's different than her. Sure. Although in the morning, for breakfast, I'd like no talking. Really? Oh, yeah. Just moving through it.

Is that true? That's really true. I like dead silence. What if you're in a strange city with friends doing something? This is going to sound like me trying to be like interesting. No. But I do wake up earlier than everyone and go and get my, have my breakfast on my own.

Really? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. So I could have coffee and just focus. I like that. I can't be first thing in the morning talking to people. So what if you guys are all out late? Even then, even then.

You set an alarm? I just wake up really early. You do? Yeah, oh, every day. Oh, yes. What time? Usually, it's going to sound like a joke, around five. Wow.

What if you go to bed at 2 a.m.? That doesn't happen that much anymore. What about when you were at SNL? Oh, then it was, I woke up a bit later. Okay, I got you. So your routine is you're going to wake up at five. You do breakfast alone. Yep.

And then you're willing to talk during lunch and dinner. Not just that. If I'm working on a show, if my call time is seven, I'm up super early so that on set I'm not like eating with everybody. Definitely. This is about Tiffany. No, but when you hear that in terms of your mom, does it change anything? I mean, I think I have a newfound respect for her. I had never thought of what it was like.

when she was alone, had not thought about her plans later in the day like Mr. Armisen had. But it's weird, isn't it? I mean, the problem is really, yeah, when she's with us, she can eat as fast as she wants on her own. We just want her to be able to participate because she also, yeah, because she, I mean, like, like I said, at a restaurant, the waiters will be concerned. They think that they forgot to. It's too fast. How long are we talking for her to eat her whole meal to wolf it down? 90 seconds.

I would say within 10 minutes, she's done. 10 minutes, that's different than I thought. I think you're talking to three fast eaters. Yeah, I would make sure. I mean, so my first thought, obviously, my first thought obviously was one of those complicated bowls that they give to dogs that eat really quickly, but like a nice adult version.

You can't do a lot of restaurant, Daphne, that's insane. Like how you feed a dog. I got to get a little bit on planet Earth for a second. I thought you were going to say 90 seconds. And the reason I say that, Daphne, I'm also a fast eater. Now, very fast. Really?

Grossly fast. Wow. This got a ship rate. Like, I eat in a way that I wish I slowed down. Yeah. What is that? I just start eating so fast that if I'm like with my kid, they'll literally at times be like, whoa.

That's tough too. When you are the guy who's getting woed from eating, that is tough. I've been there. You good? And then you look around and see everybody's like a third of the way through and you're done. People are just cutting their main fish. and unfinished.

Yeah. But I'm on your side. You can do the cutting quickly too? It's like if you've ever seen a German shepherd where you just drop food in the bowl and it just all goes? Yeah. You don't even think about it.

I've seen a German mother do that. I'm so with you that I order cold food so I could eat it faster. So if there's an option on there that's like, ooh, sushi. Wait, that's actually kind of genius. That's amazing.

And sometimes they try to explain to me like, well, this is, I'm like, I'm good. Well, I went to- I understand a sushi. This is going in my stomach. So I went to a sushi place in Austin where they do one dish at a time and they talk about the fish. And then at the end of it, you're supposed to eat it? I was always done eating as he was describing. Dude.

And ready for the next one. Yes, please. It was, he'd be like, so this came from, gone. Yeah. Past tense. What city did your mother grow up in? The closest big city was Cologne. Wow, nice.

And do you get to go to Germany? Do you visit? Yeah, sometimes. Do you get fast there? It's an interesting combination being half Greek, half German. Great food. I'm late all the time, but I feel like super bad about it. So, Daphne, I got a question.

for you. Have you ever considered maybe your family eats slow, and I'm not saying that as a joke. You're talking about a 90-minute meal? You said your mom eats her at things and then has to sit around for 90 minutes. 90 minutes, if I go out to dinner or somebody and it's 90 minutes, I want the whole meal. If I go out to lunch or somebody, 30 minutes. 30 is wild. I want it to be so. It's doable. This literally just happened to me in Vancouver, not. as a joke. We were shooting in this neighborhood and lunch. It was at night, so it was dinner. I decided not to go to Kraft's, sir, the catered, and I went to a Thai restaurant by myself. I sat down, I knew what I wanted. When the woman came to want some water, I said patty, chicken pad tie. She goes, great. Food came. I finished eating. She came back to refo my water. I said,

check please. And she laughed and said, wow, you eat so fast. Other people hadn't even ordered who came in when I was coming in. That's not a point of pride, but I I get what you're saying. Oh, no, I follow you like a religion. What am I doing? I'm there to eat. What would you do then if one of your beloved daughters is sitting across from you? See, alone, yeah.

And it's just started the salad. Then I would say, speed up. Let's get out of here. The problem is you're on the mother's side. You've got to come back over to Daphne's side. I was, but then Fred opened up a can of worms, and now those worms are interested. They've been eaten quickly. You guys wolfed them down.

We're like fish. Yeah. We hate them all. And I understand. I think if you're with someone, you've got to change your pace up. I understand. But I think it's got to be two-sided. I would say, as your family, new rule, dinner's 45 minutes.

Okay. 90 minutes. I agree. 90 too much. 90-too much. If you were dinner with Greek people before, it's part of the lifestyle. But you've got to bridge the Greek German gau. This is interesting.

So explain to me about the, I don't know about Greek people's eating style. I've been to a lot of Greek restaurants. but I always do it fast. Look, I love Greek food. I'm not hanging out in there fucking doing a dance. I want the Euro. I want the fries, the vinegar fries.

I'm out of there. No, it's... I ain't taking it to go. I want to sit at the table with the blue and white thing. A little bit of bread, some olive oil. Gone. I get it.

You know what I never knew about Greek culture? Did you know that it's an ancient history? What? It's an ancient culture. Nobody talks about that. Yeah. What's? Old, old, whereabouts?

What are the origin of? In Athens. Oh, there's a country. Old structures and pillars. I'm not talking about colonial times. I'm talking going way back. Wow. Yep.

That's wild. Mary Bill Murray. Pillars on pillars. So, Daphne, explain to us really fast how Greeks do their meals. And I think, look, it feels like we're running a mile to go a block, but I do think there's something here. And I think what it is, is you're blaming your mother for being German, where I think your family might be too Greek. I think you've got to realize, I think you've got to realize, Daphne, you're in a mixed family. And you're trying to make

a German woman Greek, as opposed to meeting your mother a little bit where she is. I don't think 15 minutes is insane. I think 90 minutes is insane. Okay, maybe we can meet in the little middle. That's what I think. A little bit. Explain to me Greek culture when you guys all sit around and eat. What's it like? So I will agree that Greek food is not necessarily complex enough to justify this, but I would say an average meal, especially if you're with your family, it's the summer, you're sitting there, easily two hours. Easily two hours.

Like little kids, you know, you put two chairs together and they lay down and they fall asleep. Like you're sitting there. Well, listen, if someone's sleeping at the table, that's indicated that this is going on too long. I would expect this call to, definitely, I would expect this call from. this setup, be coming from your mother. I agree. And saying, I eat at a normal pace. There's kids sleeping at the table.

It's over. What are we doing? You have to turn seats into a bed for children to sleep on? I mean, that is a red flag, Daphne, to be totally honest. I've been hanging in there on your side, but if people are sleeping at a table. But literally, you know, a lot of times when we'll do something, I'll guess, I will say a lot of times when you say like how old are you i'll go 28 i'm never exactly right but i'm close yeah there's a vibe of people we've done 400 of these daphne when he said how long i said 90 seconds when you said

10 to 15 minutes i about shit my pants we weren't close if you said my mom gets to a restaurant and within 90 seconds her meal's gone i'd be like this woman's out of control 15 minutes also i like her style yeah but 15 minutes i i think he is right daphne but i think he is right daphne but But we will try to solve your problem of your mother. This is what, okay, pitch. My first pitch is, let's make the Greek family German. So you said, let's tell people without your mother's knowledge that we're trying to beat your mother in an eating contest for a secret prize.

I like this. That's so great. My only fears that she wouldn't notice, she would just be super happy. But this isn't necessarily about her to start off with. This is about gamifying the meal. It's a good idea. So we're going to turn it into the Olympics, which I believe has its foundation in Greece. I believe so.

And so what we're going to do is we're going to say to everybody, hey, if you can beat the wolf, we will give you X. We can pitch on the prize. The mom's the wolf. And she should never know about this. The goal is that she doesn't know, but she's, He's maybe at some point going to look around and go. You remember the game, my brother, and I used to play with my dad when we would text. So I think part of this game, Daphne, is your mother should never know she's the wolf,

but you guys should have a game, and that's beat the wolf. Yes. And whoever beats the wolf gets a secret prize for the meal, and all that's going to do is speed everybody up. Yes. What do you think of beat the wolf? Beat the wolf. That's so good. And then here's another thing you could do to your mom.

you could say, mom, can we try something together? For every bite, can you ask a question? Mm-hmm. Why don't you just eat tapas? I was thinking that, too. And so that the portions are smaller. Tapas will throw in it.

And as the plates arrive, she has to wait and talk. It could be a double pronger. Yeah, but you can't say tapas every time. It's a Greek plan. But when you do tapas, that solves it. But if you go out to another place, it's beat the wolf.

What do you think? Actually, I have brothers that would love that. Beat the wolf is very, very good. The wolf is pretty great. What do you think about asking your mom on a night that you're not playing beat the wolf? What's the thing we could do, get the wolf to bark? Get the wolf to howl, and that is after, you know what you could do? Each bite she takes, ask her a specific question.

So get the wolf howling, and that's, she takes a bite, and you go, what year were you born again, mom? She'll go, 1944. And you go like this. Okay, she takes another bite. We're in Germany again. And then go, Mom, will you tell us a little bit about the town? What does your dad like? She'll go like, and then if she keeps eating, go, do you mind telling us now?

So she's four, and then if she's talking to the mouth, if she, talk show her. Then if she's talking with, you go, mom, will you finish chewing first? I just want to see this. So you get the wolf howling, and then the other times you're playing beat the wolf. because if you're out, you just need specific questions. Have them written down. Everybody asks your mom, wait. As soon as she starts eating, every bite she takes,

somebody asks her a question. I like that too. Yeah, we can do that. It'll be slower now. If you guys speed up and you get her doing that, I'm just going to fix this problem. What was Cologne like when you were a child? Yeah.

And even if you wanted to just do basic stuff, how are those mashed potatoes? Good. Can you get you a little bit more descriptive? to buttery, they're creamy. What do you think was put in them? Do you think any extra ingredients? Yeah.

There's some options here, Daphne. Where are you leaning? I really like Eat the Wolf if we're all as a family because I have siblings and a father who would definitely get into that. Every time you ask a question

while she's answering everybody at the table needs a mouthful a mouthful of food. So you have to, Ask a question. When the question's done, everybody takes a big bite, and by the time she's done answering, you've swallowed. So while she's answering, you guys are chewing and eating.

That's so perfect, actually. You know, she's left me at the table many times in my life because that's too slow. This sort of like links us together in a relay. It connects you. She needs to be talking, and when she's talking, you and all your siblings of your dad are chewing. in. There's also severing your relations.

Nope. That's true, too. That is an option to end this. You know what I'm saying? I'm just saying you don't have to choose

this option, but you can also just sever relations and say that's the end. We had a wonderful run. Yeah. It was beautiful. We had a great,

and then now we move on to different. I don't know. Okay. It's also an option. I like to have it in my pocket, just in case.

Yeah, as a backup, just end the relationship. So before we get out of this Daphne, in closing, Fred, any other thoughts, any other anything? Where's your head at with this? We've got a Greek, we've got a German, we've got eating fast. What could we impart to Daphne before we find out what she's going to do?

I, a little bit, it got overlooked, but my option of, like, choosing a food that has smaller dishes. Yes. It's actually, as joking as it sounded, it's a good solution. It is a little sort of, there, you know? Topas is. Greek in origin Well You don't say Spain

I'm so sick of everything in the world Spain this Spain that There's other countries Yeah You could You could top us her meal So if you when she orders You pull the move of you go to the bathroom

And you say to the waiter Give the waiter 10 bucks and say this super weird. Will you bring my mother's meal out in two portions? Little by little. Yeah. What if you just actually little by little or not by choice? It's not tapas, but they give her it in top of it.

Yeah. So say my mother has a disorder. Oh, wow. Will you? Let's see she gets meat loaf. She doesn't want a meat loaf. She wants meat slices. And so, and then if it's mashed potatoes, one scoop at a time. Yeah. You get that? She goes,

this is it. And then they bring another. when she goes, what the fuck? Here's the second part of your meal. Daphne, what are you going to do? Definitely about to text all of my siblings about beating the wolf. Okay. I'm actually having dinner with my mom tonight at a restaurant. Just you do?

And two of my siblings. But it is Japanese, so I don't know. Maybe they could bring the hand rolls piece by piece. They do that sometimes. They really do. You might not question it, honestly. So we would like you to do it tonight. It's too perfect that it's Japanese, Fred's favorite food.

Daphne, what are you going to do tonight? Tonight will definitely text. I'm trying to think of something that I could do with any sort of proof because watching a woman eat slowly is probably not great for the fans. Well, I don't need you worry about the fans. I need to know what you're going to do tonight. You're going to play Beat the Wolf. Oh, for sure I'm playing Beat the Wolf.

That's like the second I hang up. I'm texting my brother and sister. And I really want to see if she notices. And so if you play Beat the Wolf, Wolf in one thing. Are you going to do the thing where you ask your questions, too? Yes. Maybe I can have my siblings speeding. I hear quite frequently, so I can deploy a couple strategies. I think we try it all tonight. I like it too, and you can walk away feeling like we did it. The questions part, what I would suggest is come in with pre-prepared questions. Everybody has to

have two. Think about three talk shows. One of you is her childhood, one of her, one of you is her professional life and one of you is another so that whenever so you kind of just keep rotating childhood what was cologne like as a kid well i think you could do childhood present day dream of the future yes great where do you see yourself in 10 years mom what would you love us all to be doing what would be your dream vacation for all of us to go on muttie i have a question for you I have two questions for you. Daphne.

Do you feel like you have good hands because I think you are? I do feel really good. And the nice thing about this is that if everything goes to plan, my mother will just have an amazing leisurely dinner where her kids are super interested in her.

Exactly right. That's a win-win. And if it doesn't work, severance. Thank you so much. Thank you. Documented a little for us, Daphne, if you could. We'd love to see.

I will pray, yeah. Yeah, we'd love to see some of this. Daphne, you're a great caller. We appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Have a great day, you guys.

Bye. Okay. Good and down. And we were brought to you by Squarespace. Listen, we love Squarespace. We talk about Squarespace all the time. They are the best. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out

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If that doesn't tell you that Squarespace is awesome, I don't know what will. Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good.

Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host the show, What's our podcast here on Headgum. This podcast is brought to you by SquareSpans. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick-ass person online Like your skateboarding through the internet or you're like you're surfing through the web Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain showcase your offerings with a professional website Grow your brand and get paid all in one place I like that it's all in one place I know I like that I don't have to go around you know like different stores or something

It's just all my website Well it's like oh do I need to go to like a do I need another Type of website to like find the right pictures or to like a another type of website to upload the, it's all in one place. The video or the audio or like, no, I want, it makes it easy, make it easy on me, please.

Yes, and you can do all those things, photos, videos, changing fonts. You know, I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. There are SEO tools, which I know what those are, and they're custom domains. Oh, what's come up with a domain right now.

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Anyway, so check out Squarespace.com slash headgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use off for code headgum, save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it. Hello? Hello? Hi, welcome to the show. Thanks.

I'm excited. Okay, great. Well, you're going to be more excited because I'm not going to lie. We have a guest on this one who's phenomenal. and going to give great advice, no doubt. You've got Jake, you've got myself, and we have the great Fred Armisen in studio. Hi.

No way. Yeah, a lot of pressure. So what's your name? My name is Ali. Allie, where are you calling from? We're calling from Chicago. Chicago. H.

23. All right, great. Which part of Chicago, Allie? Wrigleyville. Have you seen our van? No. We've got a van driving around there. A plumber, his wife was embarrassed by the look of his car, so we wrapped it with our logo,

and they're driving around Chicago. No, I'm going to have to look out for it now. Around Wrigleyville. It's right in Wrigleyville. Allie, what can we do for you today? Okay. So, here's my situation. My roommate and I live below a very nice man.

His name is Jeff. and probably a couple months ago now there was one night my roommate had to be up super early for work and they were playing drums upstairs until about 2.30 a.m. Okay. And we were very nice, we left a very polite note on their door the next morning

just saying like, hey, would you mind keeping it down? Whatever. Nothing comes of it. We don't hear them again. We honestly kind of forget about it. Then about a month after that, I want to say this was like end of May. I had some friends over.

We were sitting on our back porch, just kind of hanging out. And Jeff's cat escaped and came down to our porch. And Jeff came to get the cat, and we started chatting. And I think he realized that we were the note people. So he says, you know what? I'm so sorry. He apologized. We were like, it's no big deal, whatever.

He says, I'll be right back. He goes back upstairs and comes back down. Allie, pause for one second. Okay. Choose your adventure guess, Fred, of what Jeff's going to do when he comes down. He was told, don't drum. His cat went down there.

He goes upstairs. He goes one second. What's your feeling that this is going to go? Two things. These are just guesses. Number one, here is my new record from the band that I'm in. Or here are my electronic drums that I bought. This should solve the problem.

Okay, Allie, continue. So, Jeff comes back downstairs with a giant Tupperware container full of lobster mac and cheese. That was on nobody's guest list. Never would have got there. Okay. He brought you, but by the way, delicious. Well, you're in Chicago.

Yeah, hold on. If it was Boston, maybe, but Chicago. We don't know the deal yet. Agreed. Okay, so he gives you a bunch of lobster mac and cheese, go on. Yes. He tells us that his. roommate is a chef and made this lobster

mac and cheese. And he gives us the leftovers as an apology. And we were like, Jeff, that is so nice. You don't have to do that. But we appreciate it. Thank you. So we're chatting for another minute and he notices we have some drinks in our hands

and he asks what we're drinking. We told him it was a vodka lemonade or something. And he says, okay, I'll be back again. Pause. This time... Allie, pause. Yeah. Fred, your guess, what does he come down with now? He said, what are you drinking? Vodka lemonade or something. First time he brought lobster, mac and cheese. What does Jeff bring down?

I thought that was a nice gesture, by the way. Yeah. Because if someone's a chef, that's like a, you know, a real bonus. But it sounds like I was assuming the story was going that he wanted some of those drinks. But then he went upstairs and came down. With a cup, maybe? He actually didn't go upstairs this time. He went downstairs into the alley, and we were very confused as to what he could possibly be going to go get. Pause, alley. What did he come back with from the house? This guy doesn't live in the building.

Okay. That's the wrong answer. Okay. So then what did he come back with from the alley? He came back with a bottle of vodka and told us that he owns the bar next door. So he went to the bar, book a bottle of vodka, and then came and brought it to us. Okay. Okay.

Allie, what's the problem here? Yeah. He stopped playing drums. Like a human crow. Yeah. Yeah, he just kept bringing us stuff. Now, every time I see Jeff, I feel like we owe him something. His response to our little complaint was he blew it way out of the water.

I've got your thoughts. I think you don't, I don't think he thinks you owe him anything. I think you're, now you're at a place of peace. I think he's made gestures to say, I'm really sorry. I'm, you know, I'm trying to be a good neighbor. Right. And it doesn't sound like he's asking for anything. If I'm not mistaken, it doesn't sound like.

No, but I think for her, she's feeling, because they said, will you stop drumming and he did? Yeah. So that's kind of, in my opinion, even. then he gives lobster macaroni and cheese from a chef that's above then he goes and gets him a bottle of vodka this is now Jeff's done a first of all we feel in debt agree go ahead I think they're unrelated I think you're tying these things together with the drums all he's doing is saying I'm a good neighbor I'm a new friend that's all I don't think anyone owes anyone anything If I were to do that, I'd be like, yeah, the drum thing is a long time ago.

But you would do more than the mac and cheese? I think people do it sometimes as like, I'm a friendly person. Does he keep going? Is there more and more stuff coming your way? No, nothing else coming our way. He does retrieve our packages and put them at our door for us. It's getting too much. That's about it.

Now, let me ask a real male-female question. Okay. Does he want to sleep with you guys? That's a good question. I don't think so. Jeff is, if I had to guess, probably in his 60s. Doesn't change anything. Yeah.

Actually, maybe. Might make it make more sense. He's like, I'm at a disadvantage. I'm going to beg you like a drum. Mac and cheese and vodka might help. Yeah. Okay, so you don't think it's that vibe. You think he's just being nice.

He is older than you, so for him, okay? So then your question today is what? it's what should we do to repay our debt to Jeff? No, no, no, don't worry about repaying anything. I don't think he's asking for anything. I think he's just trying to be like, you know, I'm an interesting person. And you definitely don't know him anything. And I don't think he's asking for anything.

I think it's a very like, in his language, he's like, oh, these are just nice people who live downstairs. I wouldn't. I think that's a good take, but I am going to go in another direction. Okay. But I think that's a very sensitive to Jeff take. He's just saying, I'm a nice guy. This is not a lot for me.

I wasn't going to eat the leftovers anyhow. I own the bar, so I got it wholesale. What I would give to him is I would get an electronic drum machine that's quieter. And I would get him that. Because now he's stopped drumming. He likes drumming. So, you're like, I didn't mean to be, I didn't mean to say, don't do your drumming. you can drum

but I found this cheaper thing that you could do you've been a good neighbor to us here's a good thing to you because now we're saying even though we're in our 20s we're cool too what's the look Fred you hate it

no no this is your show I support anything you say I think that because he owns a bar he has plenty of alternatives to play drums somewhere if you have that much space definitely there's a place in that bar

you could set up a little kit that's true practice like when I first when I heard the beginning of the story I thought it was like a young person who's struggling and like that's the only place if this guy owns a bar he can drum he's covered

and this is coming you're a drummer yeah so you have no sympathy for him you're like he can drum anywhere oh that's like I mean if you take on an instrument you figure out a way to get a space Yeah. And to like never bother anybody. What about if someone want, if, if you're drumming alone, does that feel strange?

Because my pitch would be maybe you tell him you want a one, you want a drum show. I would say go up there and make him feel like a drum rock star and maybe bring up a couple cocktails, but ask him, be like, we really liked your drumming and kind of pay the favor back in that way. Sorry, we said no that one time. Is there any chance? It was the time thing. The mac and cheese, the lobster mac was so good. Can we come up and bring a meal and watch you play drums for the night?

Yes. Combine everything. I like that. I like that. If this does help at all, I play instruments as well. So could we jam with Jeff? Yes. Oh, what do you play?

I play bass. And what is your roommate play? She doesn't really play, but we can, like, get along. She can get, like, keyboard or something. If you open that door Then you will be hearing in practice more and more Because then I'll be like hey we're cool with each other With music

And then it'll just It'll make it It'll just, you know And then also What if it's bad? Yeah Then and they're like Well we'd like to not do this again

He'd be like No I but we sounded great And I got it to show Then you're in a relief Then you're stuck Well could you This is a bad idea could you say

you want to play with him at the bar? Fred, your thoughts on this. I just nervous. Something occurred to me. I don't know if I'm not crazy about the fact that he got vodka from his bar. How come?

Because it's a business. From an inventory standpoint, he's blurring a line. If it was me, if it was my bar, I'd say, like, well, you know, a free drink.

Come down anytime and let let them know that I'm the owner and you can get a free drink. To bring a bottle back is like if I worked at the bar I'd be like you know this isn't like a clubhouse. Yeah, it's not a clubhouse.

We're just like grab whatever you want. We need those because the bar manager is like I know you own a Jeff but I run the numbers. Yeah. Yeah, it's like I had to answer for these two years. We're sinking down here, Jeff. This is like this is what John Trapper gets mad at it

Bar-rescue all the time. You're sinking yourself! Yeah, exactly. Are there two people on the call? The roommate. Hi, yes, this is the roommate here. What's up, girl? Hey.

What's your name? Amy. Amy, what do you think the issue here is for re? Like, what's the big problem here? Just, you feel a little bit guilty? I just, yeah, I just feel bad because I didn't want to be that person, but I did have to be at work at three in the morning, and I was a little irritated.

You're exactly. right. Wait, you need to be at work at three of the morning. That day, yeah, I did. What do you do? I'm a production manager at a venue. We had an early load in. That's cool. Let me ask you ladies a question. His claim to fame is that his friends are chef and he owns a bar. What makes you guys special? What are you linked into in Chicago? Because he brought you essentially leftovers.

He brought you whatever was in his fridge and then it is bar. So I'm not, let's not go crazy here. But what's something, you know, it's like re-gifting. What do you guys have in your house that's specific to you guys that you can re-gift and then be done with this? What's something when you look around that apartment? Yeah. Okay. So the venue I work at, we had this book tour come through and we now have 800 of their books left that I have to get rid of it. That's perfect. Give them 800. No, but that's a really good answer. What's good about it is, if it makes everything boring and he's like he becomes disinterested, great.

Great, but you have, he gifted you his trash. And then she gifts him her trash. The only reason he gave the lobster is he's like, I'm not eating this. It's going infinite by Michael Lewis. Give him that. It's signed. That's signed. That's perfect.

And you give it to him and you go, hey, we just wanted it. You gave us that vodka and the. at this venue, we got these books. And I wanted to give it to you to say, thanks for being such a great neighbor. And then what you guys can do if he gives you something else, just give him extra stuff.

I would say, actually, to that point, try to taper it off by continually giving more and more meaningless things to the point where he's like, I don't want to do this anymore. But you work at a venue,

who was that? Which one of you works at the venue? Amy, roommate number two. Amy, and then roommate number one, what's some trash you have in you? house or from your job. Not trash, but like extra stuff. Just stuff. Oh, my grandmother likes to mail me stuff that she works at the dollar store. So she finds a lot of fun stuff and mails it to me. So I have a lot of, uh,

dollar store stuff. So you give him, say, this was from my grandma, who cares, she sends me a lot of it. And then he's, you get to sign book and he'll go, this is really random. And you go, just as random is essentially lobster mac and cheese in a bottle of vodka. And then the whole relationship will sort of collect dust. Yeah, or in the month, he'll go, hey, I got this, and you go like this. Wow, thanks, Jeff. And you go, all right, what trash do we have? And then he goes, great, you guys just give each other trash.

Yeah. What do you guys think of that? This can work. I like that. Well, I'll tell you what, this will work. Yeah. This is better than jamming with him at the bar. Fred was right.

That's going to create some problems. You give him a signed book he doesn't care about and some from the dollar store from your grandma. He's got to say thank you. Yep. He's got to be like, oh, that's really sweet, guys. And then he's going to close the door and go, what the fuck? Going infinite.

Why don't want to read this book? This is junk. Mike and Ikes. Yeah. So when are you ladies going to do this? We can do this like tomorrow, honestly. So here's what we'd like you to do. Will you take a photo of the book and the dollar store trash and will you send it to us?

And then will you follow up with us after, how he responds? Yes. Ladies, thanks for the call. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Bye. Hey, everybody.

We just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help, it drops a day early on Hulu, so you can watch the new episode a day early, and we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two, so get involved. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, Editing Mix and Master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to gareth-renalds.com. Remember all of the advice, given on we're here to help, is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

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