We're Here to Help - 32: One More Thing with Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Bert Kreischer talk to a caller about a viking funeral for a doll. Later, Jake and Gareth talk to a few callers about an alleged smelly house.  Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com! Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPod See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

and here we go again jake johnson we're, my friend. We are back with a great episode. We have our guest of the week. He's been on before. The machine is back. The machine. Bert Kreischer, a mogul, an animal. Bert, you can see his movie, The Machine, on Netflix. A fantastic movie.

Also, Bert is constantly on the road. You just can follow him on social media. Also, Bert's getting crazy good shape. Bert has gotten into really good shape. Something might be a play. Who knows? We don't know what's going on with him. These celebrities now are looking so good so fast.

But also, Bert's podcast, The Bert Cast. He has the podcast Two Bears with Tom Segura. And if you want to watch Something's Burning, Jake and I are on an episode of that. But that show is great, too. Truly, the man is everywhere and with good reason. So we talked to him about a situation with. Should we get into it too much or just let it speak for itself?

OK, for itself okay and then our second call today also uh exciting stressful really fun one yeah it's just some stressful stuff let's just let's just let him find it garb what did you want what did you want to say off there so i wanted to let you and kevin know about something that happened to me in australia uh that i didn't want to let you know that was happening while it was happening because of the ridicule that I would receive. But while I was in Australia, I was packing up for the airport, as one does, had everything that I needed, got ready, went to the airport, was checking in, and the online check-in wasn't going great. It asked for my passport. I said, no problem. And guess what I couldn't find? My passport.

And so I looked all around me. This feels like a fool me once situation. With Gareth, it's a fool me 45 times. And then I took the car that drove me there. I looked in that car. Then it drove me back to the hotel where I tore my room apart. And because Australian travel is different, I was able to fly domestically without the passport. But the passport was totally gone and lost.

And I could not find the passport anywhere. And then I... Did our boy have a layover? Did our boy have a layover? Well, so I had to make an appointment to go to the embassy to get a passport to fly home with. But as I was about to go to that appointment, someone at the Perth airport had turned it in. And the passport got mailed by someone who worked at the booking agency that I was with. Mother-in-law sent it. And I received it. And two days before I flew home,

I got my passport. But the whole time, I was basically without my passport, thinking, I can't tell anyone about this. You know what we might need, and if anybody has an invention idea or a product idea, some version of a travel fanny pack for Gareth. I am no joke getting a lanyard, like a child who travels alone. Yes, I think that's right because you go international a lot

and this could end really bad at some point, man. Oh yes, it almost has twice. So you're going to get that. If anybody has an idea, email the show because I think we got to protect Garfield at this point. And I appreciate the hell out of it. But anyway, you're not here to listen about how big of an idiot I am internationally and how I give Americans a bad name abroad. You're here to watch this show. Me, a man who can't take care of himself, help others. So without further ado. Two idiots giving advice.

Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help you are on uh with jake with gareth and with our very special guests the one the only america's best friend burt kreischer burt thank you for joining us i'm very happy to be here i'm very very happy to be here all right good yeah we appreciate that. And we're going to try to help you. So you've got three basic doctors. But before we can give you help, we need to know what your name is, where you're calling from, and how old you are, basically. Yes. Hello, gentlemen. Thank you. This is such a treat. My name is Stacey. I live in Raleigh, North Carolina, and I am 36 years old.

36. Tell the people of Raleigh to relax on the pronunciation. We get it. Okay, so what's going on? What can we help you with? So I have someone in my life that is pretty problematic, I would say. It's a bold phrase. Her name is Emily, and she is a baby doll. And I'm trying to figure out what to do about her. Okay. So obviously we're all intrigued and puzzled and a little afraid. You mean an actual, like a doll doll?

Like a baby doll? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No like puffy component. I thought you were talking about an overweight chick who wore shirts that didn't fit her. Yeah, we all.

No. Because I think, I don't know what advice we would have for that. Well, my daughters call me a baby doll. They go, look at him in his baby doll tee.

Your daughters keep you so honest, Bert. Wait a second. A baby doll for a heavy set person in his shorts? Oh, there we go. That's a baby doll.

Right, like a midriff, like, sort of, yeah, where your shirt, yeah, you feel, it's one of those shirts where you feel good about it and everyone else is like, why are you doing that? Okay, so it is not a chubby girl in a little shirt. It's an actual baby doll. Yeah, Emily is probably half a pound. Okay. She's traveling light, yeah.

Crazy that you're still referring to her as Emily. What's the context? How did this happen? It is crazy that you keep calling her Emily. Yeah. Expecting us to be like, of course, the plastic thing. Emily's half a pound. Totally normal.

Emily's half a pound. Yeah. Not doing great, to be quite honest. Okay. You need to bulk her up. So being 36, I got Emily when I was really young. There's honestly a little mysticism around where she came from when she showed up, but I've had her for 30 plus years. Very much was present as I was toddling around the streets of New Jersey where I'm from. And very much as a fixture in my life,

all my friends knew about Emily. She came to college with me, which is weird. Okay, so you and I, because I was kind of curious what our timeline, so Emily has, you've cared for Emily, dare we say, longer than most? This isn't an Emily problem. This is a Stacey problem.

Yeah, Stacey, we're very on the fucking dial. Listen, I have tried. this isn't an Emily problem this is a Stacy problem listen I have tried I have tried to write this wrong where is Emily right now because I'm team Emily I'm worried Emily's in the room listening to all of this and you're breaking her heart yeah it's like Megan she's got a little psycho

doll looking at her keep saying nice shit Stacy Emily is not in my custody she has been taken Keep saying nice shit, Stacey. Emily is not in my custody. She has been taken from me about a decade ago. Wait, Stacey, let me interrupt for a second. Hold on. Hold on. Is this real how you're talking about this now, Emily?

You're talking about custody? This is all real. Oh, Jesus. We just got a picture. We just got a picture. There's so much wrong with the picture. The picture looks like one of those pictures you see on a bar machine game where you're supposed to pick out the problems. Holy shit.

Rocky Road. Holy shit. Can I interest you in 11? What? Some people have compared her to like Sid in Toy Story. You said there was some mysticism of how this Emily entered your life. Can you explain what that means? Did your parents give this to you?

What happened? What happened? Yeah, no one can really, really remember. Obviously, she was, you know, procured from some store. But like, she just kind of showed up one day. I know that sounds super weird, but we just don't know for sure sure was it a christmas we'll let you know when something normal gets said okay so this is all insane what is the issue you're having now with emily yeah so the issue is i about about 10 years ago i was in my mid-20s I said listen this is a creepy ass doll I think we

need to I think we need to let Emily go and so I wanted to do some sort of like the viking funeral for her we go down to the shore we find someone to build a little vessel we find someone with some archery prowess and we give her the send-off that deserves. And a lot of people were on board with this idea. But one of my oldest friends, she and her family were like, oh, no, absolutely not. And so they coerced me to take Emily. And I shipped her off to New Jersey in a shoebox. And I have not been able to get her back since. And so my problem is, do we commit to the bit because there are a lot of pranks that have evolved over the years?

It's a whole thing. Or do I find a way to break into someone's home, steal her back for good, and burn her at sea? That's right. That's right. Yeah. Let me just start with a logistical question. Who did you ship it to in New Jersey? So I shipped it to the matriarch of this family. We'll call her Mama P. She is for sure the most staunch supporter of Emily lingering on. And so she said, no, no, send me this doll. So that's where I sent her off to. And I go on family vacation with this family. I love all of them so much we have really really strong relationships and so

i get to see her when we go to the beach but i i have to give her back i'm not trusted with her and so it's just and i don't know i don't know what to do this is so i'm all in for like i'm all in for weird family bits and weird traditions this is fucking weird you guys are goofballs this is wild talking about a little psycho doll that she's now keeping mama p has it you're thinking of stealing it back this show is about we're on your team and we're on your side so the three of us are going to be on your team stacy what to do but first of all i think you guys are all fucking bonkers bonkers burt first reactions to this? You seem to be like we all are.

No, I'm in love with everything about this. Every misogynist should hear how cool women are. This is what makes me love girls. And I mean that as a dad. Because we have, in our family, we have Ba and we have Ba Bear. And those are two rabbits and a bear that are of the same type of things that we gave the girls when they were very young and they both have and i will tell you i'm more committed i have like we the girls don't know this we have five bobs and five bob bears in our attics that we've when they've lost them we've replaced them we've replaced them and so i love this i love it too i

also would be concerned bird if i were you that your daughters get up into the attic and think that the Boz are breeding at some point if they find the mother load. So the question really is, do you go for the Viking funeral plan? And if you do that, you almost have to do that by breaking it and taking Emily back, essentially? Right. Yes. And put really important relationship at risk. I would break some hearts here. Emily started with you as a baby, correct? Right. You gave her to Mama P 10 years ago. You were ready to do the Viking send off. She has taken Emily and said, no, I think you find an excuse to get to New Jersey during the visit. You kidnap Emily back. You film a little video of you having her

back in North Carolina. You put her on a ship, you burn it up and you do the Viking funeral and you send it back to mama P and you say like it's over now i think you finish what you started in dramatic fashion burt i feel like you would like this it feels like something i would see on your instagram a doll viking like i feel like this would be i already have it shot i already know how to shoot it i've already thought of it so maybe because my advice does not steer far from jakes i also like that plan maybe bert what do you want to walk us through a little bit of your vision of how the viking funeral would go i think you leave a note to i think you go to mama p you steal you steal emily you leave a note saying uh emily's moved on to

the next world and then you you film your Viking funeral. And you show her all of it. You push it out to sea. It burns. And then you do a reverse shot from the ship of you standing on the beach. And then as you walk away, Emily's sitting in a park bench by herself.

And then you send it to Mama P. I think Emily's got to live with Mama P. I love that. Emily's good luck. Emily's good luck. Emily's good luck. So wait, you're kind of. I like the twist. You're pitching.

Let's get the Viking funeral footage. Let's get it. It's the switcheroo. And then as we're all grieving the Viking passing of sweet Emily. Again, it's hard to say sweet Emily when we saw her with one cockeyed in a jar of lemons. We see that only to reveal that Emily is still with us and you give her back to Mama. No, but I have a turn. I have a turn. I have a turn. Everything that Bert said, I think is dead right. I don't think you show Emily in the video. I think you go back to her house and you hide Emily in her home.

So she gets the video and goes like, you psycho. And you go like, Emily's dead mama P. Then about three months later, she opens up a drawer and goes like mother of cuts. And then you go, I killed that doll.

You know, you say, I filmed it. I burned her. And she goes, I know what you did. And you deny that till the day you die or you pay a day rate of $700

and you shave an actor's head to look like Emily to show up and a real human being shows up Mama P Rocky Road I don't feel good there is a third path. Okay.

This felt a little complicated. I'm sorry. Are you telling us the next one's a little complicated? After we just Thomas Crowned Affair'd your one-eyed doll and have it at a hiking funeral? Okay. Well, it comes back to the one eye. So this is part of my issue as well with not having her is she has been,

I'm sorry to say it this way, but she has been road hard and put up wet. Like a lot has happened to her. She did lose an eye. She lost a leg for a while. And so we have another friend, Sydney. She said, I'm going to fix this eye issue. And she found another emily on ebay so perhaps we could use she's a little bit bigger she's not exactly the same her hair talk about three quarters a

pound something like that yeah yeah she's a little heftier for sure but you could you could burn you could burn emily number two easily and the way you shoot it, especially if you're filming Emily number two from the sea, you can only see a little bit of her. So it will look like Emily, but the real Emily should live on. Like if one's going to live, it's got to be the real one. And I also,

the idea of having an archer is phenomenal, but make sure you get a professional because the last thing you want to do is have someone fire hot darts into the ocean and keep missing your floating casket while people are probably trying to surf or take selfies with the ocean. Yeah. In my head, we're just like restarting girl on fire over and over until we get a hit. Stacey, in your head is a place that I don't think I belong, but I enjoy the context constantly. It is a wild ride. Is this something you think you might do?

Do you think you might go back to Mama P's house, steal Emily, do a fake out, film it, send her the video, send her the little ransom notes before the film, and then figure out a way to get real Emily back in this woman's house?

Is this a move you might do? I am so invested in this. For me, it's just a matter of the can-do. I have tried to steal her back. I have not been successful. I have searched through basements. I have truly tried to be intimidating to get answers on where she is. She's actually in Texas right now. Emily has the life of a fugitive, and we can't keep getting into that further and further. Will you keep us posted on whether or not you pull any of this off? But Gareth, what if we tried to get Mama P on the show? Well, that's exactly a possibility. She does not know this is coming, and I can't wait to just

drop a little link to this whole family. What if there's a different thingily and maybe our producer kevin could help make this happen but what if we just reached out to mama p without you on it because one thing i've learned about you stacy is as bert says you're a cool chick you're funny i also think you're weird as hell yep i love that i love that about you and i think mama p might have a different story to tell about Emily's journey. If Mama P's response is, who's Emily? We're going to have to block you. Bert's going to get on his knee and try to marry you. Be careful.

You just got to fall in love with you, if that's the case. Very good. Will you start the process of trying to get emily back uh and will you keep us involved and if we get to the filming state maybe we could figure out a way to be part of that as well yeah and then kevin's gonna reach out if we can get mama peas and just see if there's anything there yeah absolutely i'm on board for any and everything well we appreciate your call yep we've gathered that much for sure um we appreciate it keep us posted and godspeed really good luck out there to you all as well thanks so much appreciate it

take care say hi to emily today's episode is brought to you by babble that's right right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor.

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Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer. All right. Hold on. Let's get him. Kevin. Door's open.

Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, we can't leave? Well, what's the problem?

Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious XM. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners.

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I'll tell you what. I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy rules and restrictions. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you?

Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement, and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation and there were so many times so many things like complications were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere

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information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on uh but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like doctor said to me about my hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just uh he goes i've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this well you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc.

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Did you hear? How much does that cost you? Free. That's right. And then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. Hi, hello there.

Hi. Hello. I don't know how much you know, but you're on the podcast. We're here to help. We're a help podcast. We get problems from people. We help them out. We'll get into some of the details in a minute. My name's Gareth. You're on with Jake Johnson. We're both on New Girl. Can I get your names, please? One at a time, just so we know. Okay, I'll start. My name is Paige. Paige. Okay, thank you, Paige. And the other person? I'm Vix. Vix?

Vix. Like Vix Paper Rabbit with an X. That's a cool-ass name. Vix and Paige. Wow. Wait, how did they get to Vix? Is Vix short for something? It's short for Victoria. That makes sense. Okay. Vix and Paige, let us tell you a little bit about why you're here. Okay. We're dying to know okay so your friend becca called in and her problem or her insecurity i don't think she's called in jake i think she just emailed us oh is that right yeah what was the thing about cats and gareth liking cats is that did i just make that up sorry page and vix but i need to dip in here you guys are talking shit about me liking cats off air? That's

cool, huh? No, hold on. Hold on. Sounds a little crazy to me. So I got on earlier, and Kevin said, do you remember this one? And I go, not really. And he said, we have the collars on for Becca. And I go, remind me of the call. And he said, it was, I go, was it funny?

And you said it was pretty funny. It was about she's insecure about blank and she's got a bunch of cats close still works close she has a 14 year old chihuahua and is insecure that okay hold on so so are you guys just side talking shit about my cat and my page vix again we're gonna get to this in a second but i have a really lovely relationship with my cat jose i have a painting of him behind me normally all right okay this is about a caller and the caller has an issue and the caller's issue is this page in this fix she is insecure that her house smells bad and and she's nervous that it's going to put off potential people wanting to be in her house

and that people aren't telling her the truth. And we said to her, well, we can't tell you if your house stinks. Do you have any friends who really care about you but aren't afraid to say the truth? And that brings us to Victoria and Paige. And we want total honesty. Yes, we do. Does her place smell? Have you noticed a smell in there?

Is there an odour? No. Who said that, Paige? No. That was Vix. I also will say no. But her dog does pee everywhere. What?

And once she turned on a black light and she said, it was very disturbing. So she's kind of hotel helling herself here and you are thinking it's okay. So this really is. All of our friends come and stay there. We love going to their house. Interesting. So then how the hell, if a dog is pissing everywhere, does it not smell? I don't know. I think about it when I lay on the

carpet, but I have never smelled it. You said you think about it when you lay on the carpet? Yeah. What are you guys doing? A little nitrous over there? What's going on? Who's carpet laying? Yeah. By the way, when and why are you laying on us it's doing a little dmt circle it's got a real chill house okay so we are getting and this is now you know there's times in life page and vix when you could tell somebody you love that you have a weird trait and it's meant lovingly to fix. Becca is coming hat in hand and saying, I need some help. I'm scared. And so if you guys later say,

we couldn't say anything. I felt like I was being mean. You're being mean by not saying something. Am I out of line? Once again, Jake, you are right within the lines and on the goddamn thing. That's how I feel. Now, I need to know.

If the truth is there's no smell, then there's no smell. They also have, like, wood-burning fireplaces on all the time. And when I think of their house, that's what I smell. A lot of, like, smoke firewood. We have good news. I mean, this is good news. We definitely don't want to be talking to your friend, Beckett, saying, hey, guess what?

Yeah, your house smells like fire piss. So we don't have to deliver talking to your friend, Beckett, saying, hey, guess what? Yeah, you got your house smells like fire piss. So we don't have to deliver that news, which is awesome. I would propose, Jake, that since we have good news, why don't we lead with a little fun? And why don't we just lean in for a minute or two? Why don't we lean in for a minute or two and play the game? We're going to end there, Garf. We're going to end there. I love where you're going and you're right thank you but i i'm

still i gotta say man i'm taking a hike and i'm seeing smoke and when there's smoke there's mostly fire yeah or a new pope page walk me through this vix walk walk me through this there's a 14 year old fucking chihuahua pissing everywhere it goes there's carpets but there's not a little bit of smell of piss i hate to be colombo here but i'm i'm turning around saying but one more thing yeah it smells like piss so and when my dogs come over to their house they also pee there this is disgusting so what what what's happening my dog has like dog vegas yeah you're living in a world of lies do you guys have noses no i know where i would tell her i would tell her their house does not smell like your dog goes to their house and also

pisses on it's a shocking revelation. It is a shocking revelation. Gareth, it's not about Becca. It's a group of these women are crazy. Yeah, they just treat this house like a pee pad. We need somebody outside of the group who doesn't live in piss. Who's laying down on the carpet? Especially after their dog pisses.

So who was that whose dog pees on their floor? Was that Paige? Both of our dogs. Both of your dogs. Jesus Christ. Because her dog has marked everywhere. So even though our dogs are their potty train, they go there and they're just like, Oh, okay. And they just pee wherever they feel like. You guys know Columbo, yes? Yeah. You know that when you're watching Columbo and everybody's lying to Columbo, you know that Columbo is going to crack the case. Am I right? Right now, I'm motherfucking Columbo.

Because this don't add up, ladies. You got three dogs pissing on one carpet. Minimum. That's right. Because everybody who go there, their dog pisses. Yeah. Nobody smells any piss. It's the piss house.

In what world, Gareth, is this real life? You know what it reminds me of? Remember when you were in high school and someone's parent would let you drink in the basement? And then so it's just like that's where you went to get drunk. That's what this is for the dogs. They're like, we got a house you can piss in. They're all going over there. They're carpooling.

They're just pissing everywhere. Marking on marks. I don't know what to do here, Garrett. Well, it's shocking. It's great news. It's great news. Here's what I would propose. Let's get on the next call. Let's bring back in and let's say we did some research and we want to be the bearers of good news. We don't have the best news. Paige, Vicks, we'll tee you up nicely to say that the place smells. But Garrett, we're in a world of trouble. Can I ask a question? I know we're going to get back to you and I know you're right here to end this. Hey, Paige Vicks. Yeah. Classic Columbo. I hate to do it. I hate to do it, but one more thing. This is what he does. One more thing. I think it's three more things, but yeah. Before we go, one more thing.

Before we go, one more thing. Does your house smell like dog piss? Has anybody ever said you smell like dog piss? Your clothes smell like dog piss? No, no. We also have wood floors, and all the houses are super clean. Like, their house is super, super clean. Besides the flood of dog piss. Nice, Columbo.

Yes. I got to say, I've been a detective for a lot of years. Yeah, he's seen a lot of stuff, ladies. Okay, Paige, Vix, I got to ask one more time. And forget everything else that happened. One more thing before we conclude and bring Becca back on and do a joke or don't do a joke. Does her house smell like pee? It's a

simple question, guys, and I'm asking you on your families. Well, you know, everyone's house has a smell, right? Interesting. Her house definitely has a smell. What is that smell? It doesn't smell like pee. What is it?

Yeah, it does not smell like it's like wood burning old person i would say yeah wood burning old person yep yeah okay hold on carpeted yeah otherwise known as piss wow you just copped him. Maybe that's what I'm smelling. Old wood person? It really is like watching Making a Murderer. Jake, you hung in there. You kept fighting. But Paige and Vix, I got a question for you ladies.

Why is it 10 minutes into the call that we find out that it smells like burning old people? Because it's Columbo. Walk me throughbo walk me through that it's an old house not yeah not like super bad old people yeah they were nicely smelling burning old people yeah i think it's all the fire garth if i go any further i'm badgering the witness but she just said it smells like dead old people. Yeah, no, for sure. Right now, you've had him in custody for 24 hours. The lawyer's on the phone. There's not much more you can do. You've definitely got some interesting information out. I would say, why don't we just, for a minute, have fun?

And if we don't want to use it, we don't have to use it. But I'll lead, and I'll say the place smells like some dog piss and then i'll say the good no i'm kidding there's good news okay page and vick say there isn't however colombo did some pistigating we find out maybe roughly what city she lives in if i'm ever there touring as a comedian i will come in and i will give it the actual sniff test page and vicks where are you guys? I'm in Oakland. Oh, Oakland. We're up in Twainhart, so like northern California. Oh, this is very possible.

Okay, interesting. This is very possible. Okay, great. So now we're going to bring on Becca. Okay. Kevin, is she available? She is. I'm now the bailiff in this court case, and I am bringing in.

We've talked to the two witnesses. And she doesn't know Paige and Vix are here, so she thinks this is the initial call yeah oh okay that's where we're so we'll do a little rampage i need you to be then quiet for a while yeah you might want to mute your phone i'll go on mute yeah good idea great okay so we have never talked to her just to remember because my brain's a little dog shit this is all right her house a little dog piss so don't worry about it this is the perfect we got a lot in common. Yeah. Let's do it. So start the call like we do our show, Garth.

Yep. You want to take the lead? Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hello there. Good morning where I am.

Good afternoon where you probably are. You're on. We're here to help with Jake and Gareth. Can I get your name, your age, roughly? And can you tell us why you're calling today? I'm chomping at the bit!

Yeah, hi. Easy, big fella. My name is Becca, and I am 38, and I'm calling from Sonora, California. Sonora. So what is that? Is that near Oakland? Not really. It's in the Sierra Foothills, sort of

near Yosemite. Near Bridgeport? Like on the other side of Sonora Pass from Bridgeport. Over the mountains. Jake's very familiar with that area and has been for a long time. So, Becca, can we find out what's

the issue? What are you calling about today? Okay, so I'm calling because it's a little embarrassing, but I've always been nervous that I have one of those homes where when people walk in, they think it has a weird smell. What do they think it smells like? I don't know. That's the thing is that, like, you know, it's your house, so you don't smell it. Sure.

So, like, you know how sometimes you walk into somebody's house and you're like, oh, this house smells weird. But I'm never going to say that to somebody because that's rude. So it's like, how do you know? Because, like, I live here. I don't smell it. My husband doesn't smell it. You got to be polite. Becca, you got any guesses?

Well, so I do worry. We have a little dog who we adopted as a senior and he was never really potty trained. So he used the house as his toilet. But we do like I try to clean up as much as like we wash our rugs regularly like got any carpets spraying the pee spray you got any carpets and yes the house is carpeted and it's our house is from the 70s and i don't like a lot of old people have ever been It's never been changed. Right. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, all right. All right. Okay, so basically your question is, does your house smell? You're paranoid that your house might smell like a chihuahua piss.

You said it was a chihuahua, right? Yes, it is a chihuahua, yes. Hey, Becca, can I have a question? Did you say that, or? Can I have a question? Yeah, I got a question for you. Yeah. You ever have any other dogs there pissing on the carpet? I mean, I'm sure.

We bring our friends bring their dogs over, so I'm sure that they smell Felix's piss. Well, you know how dogs are. Dogs smell one dog piss and they piss on it. They're kind of one-upping each other a little bit. It's like piss Jenga. Exactly. And I like, luckily, most of the dogs are taller than Felix,

so you can see the pee. He's really short. That's lucky. so it doesn't really show on anything. Hold on, Becca. That is lucky. You said most other dogs are taller, so you see when they're pissing inside your house? Mm-hmm. Yes. They can't hide as easy.

Yeah, Felix is low. How many dogs have you seen pee in your home, Becca? Because we're acting like that's normal normal and I promise you it's not. I've never talked to anybody who casually goes, well, the bigger dogs, what's nice about it when they piss in my house

is that they're taller. I've seen three dogs pee in my house. Oh, that's nothing. And then would you do anything to counter the smell in your house? Is there like, I don't know, sprays? I knew this wasn't like a smell call today, but even still, I lit candles. You guys can smell it.

So you burn incense? We have a diffuser. And you light an incense on fire or anything like that? Candles. No, I hate the way incense smells. Okay. But you just have candles as the fire of the house? But candles, Gareth, wouldn't smell like something that's wood-burning.

Now, do you have like a wood-burning stove or anything like that? We do. We have a wood-burning fireplace. Never mind. Oh, a fireplace. I'm going to write that down because that's new information. Okay. So basically, Becca, the question is, how do we solve your paranoia about your house

potentially having an ODR? You got dogs up to three, maybe more if they're lower gravity dogs that are pissing. We know Felix just doesn't even know about the outside being an area for him to piss. You did a great thing. You brought a senior dog in. He wasn't potty trained. Someone, there was a dereliction of duty there. And so he's thing. You brought a senior dog in. He wasn't potty trained. There was a dereliction of duty there. And so he's pissed. Is he going number two? Any dogs going

number two in the house? No. Okay, that's all right. He's very good about that. That would be shocking. That's great news. All right, great. No, no, no. Are we at that time, Garth? I think we are. So Becca, this is a bit of an unconventional call for us because I guess the roadblock we ran into with this one is it's a little hard for us to give you advice. You send the email into the show and it's a little hard for us to say your house smells, your house doesn't smell. You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess I was more looking for like a like way that you could like smell test your house. There's a way to do it. And I think we've done it.

Yeah. Why don't we dig into that? So we do have a way to smell test your house, but we had to get pretty personal. We had to reach out to a couple of friends of yours to see what they thought about your house. So I guess now is as good a time as any to bring in Paige and Vix,

who we talked to a little bit before your call. And Jake did a little Columbo-ing. And at 38, you get that reference. Some of our younger listeners might not. But maybe he's on TikTok. I don't know. So we want to bring in Paige and Vicks. Hi, Becca. I'm sorry. What did you guys say? Hold on, Becca, Becca, Becca, Becca, pump those brakes.

We're going to get there, okay? We've got, listen, there's a process here in place for a reason. So we talked to them for probably about 15 minutes, maybe even a little more, really trying to figure out if your place smelled. And do you want the good news or the bad news? It's the bad news. The bad news is your place smells like a piss factory. They said they walk in there and it smells like the goddamn pound.

It just smells like people are fountaining left and right. And I'm quoting Paige here when she said it doesn't just smell like dog. She thinks you guys might be peeing on the floor. Now, the good news is, that's not true. They did not say that. I just wanted to play a little prank on my old friend, Becca. They said your place doesn't smell.

It doesn't smell like piss. Well, now that's where Jake's going to come in. Paige, I want you guys to jump in now. And when we asked you guys, what'd you guys say? Well, Becca, like really pressured us to say it's not pushed him i pushed him i pushed him that they i will say they said it did not smell like they said you have a lovely home uh they said they lay on your carpet clean

they said very clean they like to be there they were a very firm no yay Yay! And I pushed real hard. And they wouldn't budge. But to me, Becca, one more thing here before we go. Thank you. Just walking down the street, I got to turn around. I just lit my cigar. So one more thing here, darling.

They did say it was an old house. It is an old house. And they did say that it might smell like people have lived and died there. At one point, the rough term I would say was it was the smell of old people and fire, which is what a crematorium is to be frank but when pushed on it they said let me make something clear it's not bad yeah and it does not smell like piss and i said so there's no smell and they said yeah, it smells like a wood burning oven or a wood burning fireplace. It smells like a house from the 70s, but they like the smell. So in conclusion, your honor,

your house is an old 70s house with an old carpet. You're burning wood. People have lived and died there. A shelter full of dogs have pissed in it. But somehow your house doesn't smell bad. Congratulations. And we've changed this rock over a million different ways. I keep a very clean home. Well, I mean, you keep a home so clean, your friends are sprawling out on your carpet

after animals have pissed on it. To be fair, it might have been one of their animals. So we did admit to that. Paige and Vix, do you want to say anything to your friend Becca in closing before we get out of here to kind of wrap this up? Sorry that our dogs have peed on your carpet. That's okay. They haven't peed nearly as much as Felix has peed in both of your houses.

We should start. We should. Gareth, Gareth. I just got the one more thing. There we go. This is, this is, I was watching this episode and I'm going, there's still eight minutes left. There's got to be more meat on the one.

Columbo walked out and kicked the door back in. Becca just said they have never peed as much as they have in your houses. Kevin, hold on. In post, play it back now. That's okay. They haven't peed nearly as much as Felix has peed in both of your houses. Which means, ladies, you all

live in homes that smell like dog pee. So you are untrustworthy narrators. Becca, Becca, Becca, you just said Felix is pissed in all their homes. Yeah, but

they both have wood floors. It can seep into the wood into the wood you people are using right away you are using coffee grounds like the colombians covered up cocaine these wood floors are doing a lot of lifting for you your honor gareth kevin all three of them can't be trusted all three of them can't be trusted. All three of them live in homes that smell like dog piss. You know, we really might be asking a biased witness. We are. We are. Yeah.

It's hard to know. Now, wait. Now, here's what I'll offer. We will have a conclusion to this at some point, because at some point I'll be in that area doing stand-up, and I'm going to fresh nose in there, and I'm going to see what the hell is going on in your place, Becca. And I will let you know, I'm not promising a carpet sprawl.

I'm not laying on the goddamn carpet. Don't pressure me into that. I mean, the carpet, it's pretty comfortable. It's been pissed on by three dogs minimum and that's just the tall count. Here's what I will say in closing. To the three of you, honestly, you guys all seem like you have a great friendship. I respect all of you, and all of your homes smell like dog piss. And I will also say we really appreciate it. This was a very unorthodox call for us. My last piece of advice would be that it might be time to call Felix Peelix, and maybe we should just leave it there.

I can't believe we've never done that. Hey guys, thank you for the call and there's a real chance Gareth might email you one day and say, can we finish this when he smells one of your homes? May I come over and smell the old folks home? Come on over. Anytime. Welcome anytime.

You guys are the best. Thank you for the call. Thank you. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is John DeBruyne.

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given

on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions that was a hate gum podcast