We're Here to Help - 321: Stubborn and Impulsive & Big and Small (with Zooey Deschanel)

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

Jake is joined by his New Girl costar Zooey Deschanel for this special episode. Together, they keep a caller's husband out of the ER. Then, they put hogs on Canadian TV.See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-321 Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. And we're, we're, we're, we're, yeah, yeah, and we are back. And we are back with... With... my friend and co-star miss Zoe Dashana. How you doing? I'm great.

How are you? Good. I'm excited to give some advice. Yes. But we were talking the other day about new girl memories. Yeah. I don't know how we got to it, but we were FaceTiming. Yeah.

And when we chat, we most. FaceTime iPhone. Yeah. Which is fun. Yeah. So fun. But what are your kind of, what are your kind of thoughts now in looking back? Mm-hmm.

We've all, like, you and I have stayed in a really nice touch. We've all had to deal with Max Greenfield with the reunion saying he's read the scripts where all of our phones got blown up again. But as the true lead of that show and somebody who is excellent. on it. And, you know, I owe you a lot of thanks because none of us have that job without you. Aw. Nice. And the network launched it on your back.

And so now that we've done it, it's over. None of us thought it was going to keep living the way it's living. Yeah. Which is so weird. So weird. And, I mean, amazing. Amazing. But new groups of fans.

Oh, yeah. It's like, it's been, like, passed along. like, you know, with groups of, you know, young people, which is so nice. And every day I have people come up who are, you know, getting into New Girl, newly, or have, you know, been fans for a long time. And it makes me so happy. Yeah. Yeah.

No. And we did have so much fun. Yeah. I know it was really crazy. again, I mean, we didn't get a lot of sleep, especially at the beginning. But we still, I remember being there at like three in the morning and like laughing. Hysterically. I haven't had a job like it since.

Yeah. And you had worked a lot and we've talked about it and we've talked about it since. But like, I think sometimes your library of work doesn't get talked about enough because of New Girl. Well, yeah, it's funny because I had had, I had. You had a full career. Yes. Movies and tons of stuff before. Of all different types of stuff.

Yeah. And then a new girl like went and kind of in everyone's memory like erased all that stuff. I mean, which is fine. I'm, you know, so proud of new girl. But yeah, it is kind of interesting. The other thing I want to talk about really fast is and I was thinking about it when I was driving over here of how much we used to talk on the phone. Yes. about Nick and Jess

what we wanted we would talk about Pam and Jim yeah we would talk about Sam and Diane yeah and those kind of things

I'm realizing like oh that gets faded yeah from like but we would literally leave work talk on our way home yeah

about the show was very clear what it was becoming Max was very clear as Schmidt Lamorne wasn't clear at all at the beginning it was crazy took him a while

he needed the bird shirts to like unlock his Yes, it took him a season of them being like when LeMorne was the I'm the blank guy. And on page four, he'd go like, I'm into puzzles. And he'd be like, then the next week he'd be like, I'm into singing. He'd like, shut up. You know what?

He was game for all of it. He's a killer. He's a killer. But you and I, the amount of time we would talk. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then whenever tonally, we would be together. Yeah.

Then it became like, okay, so now it's got to be more serious, even though. the story is so ridiculous over here. So you'd be in a scene with like, you'd be in a B story. And you'd be like, I think I'm in a diaper. But now I have to turn the corner. And then we have to lock into this thing. Yeah. That was the first time I ever did that really.

Right, right, right. There were a lot of really big swings like back and forth between very silly and very, you know, sincere. And that was like a. tight rope we were having to walk and we did like constantly make sure that we were zoning and making sure that that thing mattered yeah the tone was really important and that's the thing i i think i think again and like talking about just like caring for the the material and thinking about it as storytellers but just that you know you have liz who's in charge of so much there's just no possible way for her to be like looking after every tiny little piece.

I mean, she was in the writing room. She was on set and she was in the edit. And it was like just so much for one person. So it was really like I considered it like important for us to have all those talks and make sure that we were like on point. It's totally right. Yeah. It's something that since I just in at first I thought it was just what I did. Right.

And then the last few years I was like, oh, this is. always producing because it would be. It would be like we would call, we would talk, but it would always be, how you feeling good, how you feeling? And then it would go, do you think that that moment, are we being grounded enough? Because we're doing this silly stuff with them, but it would always be, like this is its own zone. Yeah, but I really

appreciated that we could have that open dialogue. Totally. It was really fun. It was really great. No, I mean, I thought, like, producing New Girl, like, again, it was like that just probably just on the way to work every day and on the way home, I would be talking the whole time on the phone to somebody about something that maybe was impactful or maybe not, but like always attempting to try to make sure, because it was going so fast. Totally. It was just so fast. I never shot stuff so far. Even the little Indian movies, I felt like were slower-paced. Yeah, things were crazy.

It was so fast, and it was just hard. I remember, I didn't know how TV shows went because I was a movie actor, and I remember, like, the first season, I was like, I'm going to go in the writer's room, and I'm going to bring them cookies, and then I'm going to talk to them about all the storylines, and I remember they were like, they pitch me all these storylines. And I was like, all right, this is how the season's going to,

to go. Not one of those storylines showed up. Is that true? And the table read. Yeah, it's completely true. I was like, wait, what happened to the thing? I mean, actually, a couple of them, like, maybe showed up, like, three years later. Like, I remember outside Dave was something they pitched and was one of the things.

They pitched, but they pitch like all this stuff and zero, zero things. Speaking of Outside Dave, what guest stars jump in your mind? Oh, of like... That you remember working with that were like big moments, yeah. Rob Reiner. Of course. Like, because spinal tap.

Like, he was so cool. And you guys used always... I remember you were always singing together. Yeah, yeah. He was the best. And Jamie Lee Curtis, of course. Jamie Lee Curtis was a ton of fun. Other guest star, I mean, we had so many great people.

I mean, it's like we think of, you know, there were like a lot of like famous people, but they're also like a lot of, just amazing actors. Totally. That guy who played the landlord was so good. Do you remember that guy?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Yes, of course. Yes. Remy. Yes. Oh, Colbert. Oh, yes. He just nominated for an Emmy.

Oh, he is? Jeff Colbert, yes. Oh, my God. He was amazing. He's so good. That three-way scene was so fun. Yeah, because he had this. Yeah.

He goes, I can't remember what he said. It was like, feel it out or something like that. There were certain moments. Depe your toe in the. Possibility. But I'm also remembering you and Justin Long. Oh my God.

Justin Long was so funny. And you guys doing your first sex scene when you're doing all these weird voices. Oh, yeah. I remember like, that job had a thing that I don't know if it's gone away or it just hasn't been the same. But you would get to work.

And all people would talk about was what happened for the one scene you weren't there. Right. So like if I was there from 6 a.m. to 8 and then at the end, it was like, one more scene. I would get there and I'd be like yeah, we did some great stuff yesterday and they were like

Zoe and Justin were so funny last time and it would be this whole thing and you would know like you would feel at times like there's rumble in those studios of everybody's laughing and you'd be like holy shit this is so heightened. Yeah, it was so fun because I remember well first of all

those like voices we were doing we just came up with like on the spot before and I was just messing around like while we were reading and then he started to laugh and I was like was that funny should I do that really weird voice I don't even know what I'm doing and he was doing like a jimmy's story or something yeah um but do you remember this was like I'd never been on anything um where um like the boom operator was laughing so hard that the boom was shaking do you remember that I don't okay we had a boom operator named Val yeah in the first season um and she I remember like we were doing a scene and it's just seeing the boom shaking.

That's incredible. And looking over and she was like, and I'm going, oh, I think we're doing something right. This is pretty funny. This is pretty funny. Yeah. There was a lot of that. And I didn't, at the time, you just think it's every job.

Yeah, right. Right, right. You're like, I guess this is just work. This is how it is. Yeah. Now, the hours were too much. The hours. The hours were insane.

I would drive home from work and be. So tight. Almost like falling asleep. Crazy. Yeah, I've never. No, but I will say, because I don't do those hours anymore. Yeah. Damon and I just did a job in Vancouver, and we had a couple days of those hours.

And what happens and what happened to us is you get so weird. Yeah. Because you're so overtired. Oh, yeah. So all of a sudden, we'd be in takes again, and I was doing stuff really just to make Damon laugh, and he's doing stuff to make me laugh. Yeah. And I'm like, you only get it. here after hour 13, when you're like, I have to go home now.

Right. It's time for me to go home and they go, I know, but we actually need this. And they also, none of us had rides to work. We were all forced to drive home, which is really crazy. My mom would wake up in the middle of the night because I'd be like, I'm so tired, I can't drive home. And she would wake up to talk to me so I'd stay awake. Isn't that really sweet?

But that puppy in a cup, there's like the episode where I'm like crying over our puppy in a cup. And I remember that because I, we also would be, we'd have to do press and stuff on our weekends. And I remember I'd gone, I had to go the Emmys on a Sunday night, I think. And then you start at 5 a.m.? And then I was there at 5 a.m. And I remember I had this puppy in a cup scene.

And I like lost my voice. It was all like raspy. And then I really was so tired. I was like supposed to cry over this puppy in a cup. It really happened pretty easily because I was so over tired. So it's like there's certain things you go, well, it was dangerous. And there were a lot of things that were kind of crazy. But I, you know, it did set up some good moments for me.

Yes, totally. Well, what I loved it, it feels like for me such a specific time. Tired. Speaking of, I got in tired. Speaking of tired. Speaking of tired, the reason I was a little bit late today was I've been here a million times. Yeah. I went to the wrong place.

You got lost? I got lost. I went to Forest Lawn Cemetery. Now that's a true story. Because I put it in my fucking GPS. I was like, I forgot this address and I know it's near a cemetery. Put the wrong cemetery in. All of a sudden I was in Burbank, I was like, oh, fuck am I doing it?

And I was like, you dumbass. You dummy. One last thing, so Yeah I'm like you obviously know I'm a big fan of your work You do You're so sweet

Thank you But what would be The dream project for you next If you think about everything Because I know directing I know music I know like you're an unthinkably talented actor

So like But what is the You've done a lot Thank you I mean for me I don't get so specific As like you know Oh my God

The Dream Project Is this really specific thing. For me, I just like, as an actor, I mean, I would say like all around. I just like love characters. Like, that's what I started out doing like indie movies. Character driven pieces are my favorite things. And it's why I liked New Girl. You know, Liz came from playwriting and I actually was a fan of her plays before, you know, I ever read New Girl. And I love that it was a character driven piece. I mean, plot wise, like New Girl isn't that different from anything else, but it was like the characters that like brought us through.

So I just love character-driven, um, material. I love telling stories. And, you know, I love to play like weird, interesting, you know, characters. That's, you know, I don't, I'm not so like, I have to do this or that. I don't have to play lead parts. Like I like doing, yeah, I like doing a lot of different things. And I, you know, and all aspects of storytelling I like. That's why like writing music and, and playing.

music and acting and directing and a lot of different aspects of telling stories. My son yesterday was doing this thing where he goes, did you guys hear me go, hey you guys. But he kept repeating it. And it just got like so funny because he kept repeating it. Like he wanted everyone to laugh at it and then it became funny in another way. So I just did like accidentally. You jumped into his red though. I'm turning red.

Well, thank you for coming, Zoe. Thank you for having me. Oh, it's so fun to see you. Everybody, enjoy the ads. Hey, everybody, I'm asking you to check out my movie. The Sun Never Sets, directed by Joe Swanberg, starring Dakota Fanning, myself, Corey Michael Smith, the King, Lamorne Morris, Anna Conkel, and DeGon. Ryan and others.

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Check it out. You want to look good in your Canadian? Go to Quince. That's quince, U-I-N-C-E dot com slash here to help. What if it's someone weird? Is it guaranteed? Yeah, it's guaranteed. It's your podcast.

It's guaranteed. Hello. Hello. Hello. I'm not somebody weird I bet you are I beg to different Maybe

You're calling into this show You're a little weird That's true All right can we get your name please My name is Crystal Crystal Crystal where you're calling from Montreal

Oh very cool And Crystal what do you do up in Montreal What keeps you busy Oh my God What keeps me busy I ask the work in sustainability for a bank. Sustainability for a bank. What does that even mean?

Like, how does the bank sustain? Yeah. Just keep it like, oh. How do we help businesses be better, more green, more economic. Oh, like environmental sustainability. That's why I was picking up, but you were like off. I was like, way off. I was thinking a bank in sustainability.

How do you guys think about being more green as a bank? Yeah. Well, that's cool. I like that they're doing that. I like that you're working on that. So Crystal from Montreal, you got a special one today. I do. You do?

You got the great Zoe Dashinell and I here. Oh, cool. So. She's like, I don't care. Anyway, here's a lot of major. I have a new girl treatment. I love it. You're getting the full-on new girl treatment, Crystal.

All right. So, shoot, what do you got? Take your time, set it up. and we're going to get you out of this mess. Okay, so look, I'm going to practice this by saying I love my husband very much. Ooh. We've been together for 20 years. He has two kids.

Okay. He's an engineer. Okay. Super smart. He keeps the house running, but he's so stubborn and he's impulsive. Okay. That's not the problem I'm getting you guys with all, but you'll understand. Stubber and impulsive.

Tell me more. Mama light. Oh, stubborn. Give me a martini, baby. We have these plants, like these big plants. I call them cactus, but I've learned that they're actually not cactus. They're euphobia plants. They're very tall.

They're like quite big. And we learn the hard way that they're actually quite toxic. They're pretty common plants, but they're quite toxic. So a few years ago, my husband was like fixing one up or he was pucking the plant. There was like a white sap and he then put his contact lenses on a few hours later and ended up the ER. So flush his eyes out. Okay.

Very painful. Very stressful. So you would think that... Wait, these cactus are so toxic that for some reason he put his contact lenses on them and then put them in his eyeballs. So he touched... But wait, here's my... Here's my question.

Did he wash his hands before he put the... You're supposed to wash your hands before you put contact lenses in, like... So he's an engineer, he's stubborn, and he's impulsive. He's got filthy hands. Okay. He had. Exactly. Okay.

Okay. Okay. So he was working on him. Then he grabbed his contacts, put him his eyes. The toxic levels burned his eyeballs. Pretty much. Incredible. Pretty much.

Okay. Most people would like stop touching the plants after they send you to the hospital. But he has, I think he keeps trimming them, repotting them. He's addicted to the plants. He's addicted to the plants. Yeah, we've got ten of these poison little plants all over the house. Ten of them. And he, like, refuses to wear gloves.

Have you seen Little Shop of Horrors? This is like really giving little shot. He's Rick Moranis? He's like Seymour. Or is Steve Martin? Oh, maybe. Is he the dead? Is there little Ricky Moranis?

I hope a little bit of both. Me too. Every woman does. Every woman does. Every man doesn't. A little bit of Maranis, a little bit of Martin. Okay, so he keeps touching these plants and he doesn't wear gloves. Yeah, he's ended up in the yard a total three times.

That's shocking. Yeah. That's shocking. I kind of love this guy. Same. This is... Yeah. Okay.

Like, thank all we live in Canada and healthcare is free. Yeah. Although there's a pretty big line. Yeah. But no, but it's so bad that they put him like right away because that's like how dangerous this is. So, so, and he won't get rid of the plants? No, he was like attached. Like one of them was from my grandmother and one was from his grandmother.

So there's a bit of a sentimental thing, but he really likes his plant. Okay. Okay. I get very mad. Like, I'm like pissed when this happens because I get stressed. I want to take care of him. Yeah, I would too. Has he explained, has he given you an explanation as to, like, why he's acting this one?

No, he's impulsive and stubborn. Well, it's definitely, I see the stubbornness. This feels like slow burn. I mean, this is a long-term commitment. I could get some more contact because it tends to end up in the ER for lots of other stupid stuff. This is just a recurring one. Crystal, give us some examples, how else he's gone to the ER. Yeah.

Well, recently A bike rack fell on his head Okay He was in the ER Maybe a couple months before that Hicks in the car without gloves A lot of stuff without gloves He's got it

He's got dirty hands And then he does he always put his dirty hands in his eyes I think the solution's going to be glasses Glasses, yeah Don't wear contact glasses He's good So Crystal his hands are too dirty for contacts Get him some hand sanitizer

Get him some glasses I think he sounds a little Has he like gotten evaluated for like ADHD or things like that? You say his brain's bouncing around. No, it sounds a little unhelpful. I have ADC and he is always like, oh, you're ADHD and I'm like, you clearly have it also. Right. Right.

Okay, so really quickly before we move on, how do bike rack fall on his head? Oh, he was just, he was trying to fix it and he didn't put it up properly and it fell down. I was in the air a week ago. You were? For what? I have a broken finger. Where? I don't see it. And how did that happen? I was playing beach volleyball with some women and children and the ball was wet and there was a ball over my head and I competitively went for it.

My finger bent backwards and then I snapped it back into place and said let's keep playing and it was in fact fractured. And that was three months ago. You're playing with like 11 year olds and a bunch of moms. One thing I remember from high school like being in PE was that I didn't, I like sprained my finger playing volleyball. And it was so great. I got out of PE for like six weeks. Did you hate PE?

Well, I just, I like dance. And I got, I got PE credit for dance for like two years, but there was like one year where I had to do PE, which is so annoying. I don't like sports. I wouldn't guess you would. No, thanks. What about Zellie playing dodge ball? I'd be like, uh, psychologically I like it. What's the heck?

Getting in the ball. I'm like, you're throwing a ball at me. Ew. Get a life. Okay, Crystal. So here's our setup. Your husband, what's his name? What are we calling him?

You can call him by his name because at first I was like, I just want you guys to fame him. I thought that would work, but he has no fame in this. Yeah. His name is Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex.

He's not hiding his identity. Okay. So Alex keeps getting hurt from impulsive moves. Is there any more set up? before we get to the specific. Can you kill the plants? I really want to focus on the plants. Okay.

Okay. How do I get my husband to stop playing with these plants of those gloves before he goes blind? Okay. So, um, multiple things. Yeah. Oh, those are the plants. Oh, gosh. Okay.

Oh, those are gorgeous. I don't think so. You don't? You don't like my euphobia? You don't like those tall cactus things? I mean, they're fine. They're not beautiful enough to get blind from. I agree.

Nothing is. I would say nothing on planet Earth is. I know. So, okay, so here, I have several ways you can go. Great. Okay, so you can, well, actually, this can all go together. Okay. Get him a pair of glasses, some gardening gloves, and some hand sanitizer, and, like, wrap it up as a gift, and then make a car.

card and inside the card just paste pictures of people who have like suffered unfortunate fates due to such toxic plants so so number one he sees like what his future could be nightmare nightmare and then here's your solution you can so you're presenting fear and a fix yeah i think that could help i think so that just as the first pitch and we're going to give you more Grissel. Well, he has black, so he only wears contact when he's doing sports. Yeah, but it sounds like he's being, he's playing fast and loose with the contact lenses. Yeah, he's definitely playing fast.

Can you give it when he's playing sports? I know. There was this kid in high school who wore like goggles. Oh, yeah. Get him those. The, uh, I love the goggles. I love the goggles. The goggles might pull you into sports.

Best look. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If I could have those sports goggles. Then maybe you'd play for a little. Maybe. Which sports should I play? Volleyball. Okay. Basketball. All the tall sports for the short

girl. Sounds good. So, Crystal, do me a favor because I don't want to go in circles on this pitch. What specific, so are you looking for us to help you get rid of these plants to get him to stop touching his eyes?

No, stop touching them. He's a grown adult. He should be able to do that. And Crystal, I know it, I know it, I know it, but you got to be very specific with why you called in and what we could try to help you with. I want you to get him to stop touching them. Without gloves. Okay, so

the issue is you want to keep the plants? I do want to keep the plants. Okay, because one of my pictures were going to be killed, the sons of bitches. Yeah, I was going to say. No, but I literally told him I was going to get rid them the last time he ended up in the yarn. He was like, if you get rid of them, I will divorce you. What if you got a fake one and just replaced it?

And don't tell him. You're talking about an old 80s sitcom with the fish. Yeah. The old fish routine. No, but get like one that looks realistic. Yeah, the fake hamster episode. I'd be like done. It's probably he's propagated them.

There's like 10 in the house now. Get 10. So, but you're saying, just so we're clear, you want to keep the plants. You just want him to always wear gloves while using them. Because you do not trust him. If he touches them without his impulsive and he's stubborn. Mm-hmm. All right.

So here's my first pitch. And it's embarrassing for him, and it's not going to look good. Ooh. You get a pole next to every plant with gloves on the pole. I was going to suggest something similar. A sign that's just... Alex must wear it. Yes, but the same as...

And it's embarrassing when you go to restaurants, and it says employees must wash their hands after, you're like, that's humiliated. If you go to the bathroom, you're going there, and you're like, no, I'm going to... go to the bathroom. I'm a chef. Oh, fuck. I must. Wouldn't you want to? Yeah. And so we're shaming when you're talking about shaming. And then when he goes, hey, I don't like the way these looks. You go, I don't like the way it looks when I have to take you to the emergency room. Yeah. 100%. So you could get tiny little like coat rack type things and just hang the gloves like, yeah, next to all the main station.

Or you could do it like a Christmas tree ornament and hook it onto the tree. Yeah, but then it's going to get a little, then you have to touch. Right, then once you poke into it. Yeah, but you also need the hand sanitizer around because you may touch the glove that touch the plant. Just so you know, I didn't mention this, but the second time it happened, he did wash his hands, but that stuff is really toxic. Like, he watches his hands after. It's just too late. It gets into a little cracks in your fingerprints.

Yeah, yeah. So, okay, so. What of a great way of saying hands, by the way. I love it. We're loving it over here. I never noticed that. You didn't notice it. Because you're too beautiful.

Yeah, I say it too that way, really nice. Hans. No. You and me say it wonderfully. He says pants. He's from Chicago. Get about your big old thick sausage finger hands. He does have a big hand.

He does actually have a big hand. So, Crystal, what do you think about this idea of a glove station near each plant? And when he puts up a fight to it, you could say, I need to ensure that you're not going to go to the ER and I don't trust you because I've known you for 20 years you're stubborn and you're impulsive. Mm-hmm. And so you could create a thing if he's like,

I truly don't want these gloves here. It makes me feel like a weird child. Then you go... Well, you're not going to like what it looks like because he's more like he's very like he likes things nice. Exactly. Exactly. So Crystal, maybe you say one strike in you're out big daddy.

I got the polls You got the gloves So it's not like it's an idea You need to make the polls But like those two together That just takes one pole And also I think you could also say I mean I do think it's a huge burden on you

Making you worried And making you take him to the ER and everything That's really not fair And I think you could I have to stay with the kids Yeah exactly So I think you could say And it's like at inconvenient times

You don't know when it's going to happen Like I think you just say like look, this is the way it has to be. And, you know, if you keep doing this without gloves and, you know, you end up going the ER again, I'm going to have to kill the plants. I was thinking that I could pretend that I did it to myself and then really make him stress out and tell him like, I'm, I have to what they are and I'm like blind. And make sure he understands what it feels like to stress out about him every single time.

Crystal, I don't hate a fake out like that. But does he listen to this podcast? No, he doesn't. Okay. Perfect. No, he's a French. Yeah, I'm married to a little French Canadian. Oh.

Hence the Hans. So there is the world of a fakeout, but here's the catch with it. That's why I was asking before specifically, if you're looking to get rid of them, that's one thing. Because if you pretended to get injured from it and your eyes were gone, the solution is at a certain point, get rid of these fucking cacti. Yeah. But if it's just he's wearing it. gloves. What do you think of a motion-censored audio thing, similar to home alone,

where when you get near it goes like, in French, how would you say in French put on gloves? Do you know? Medigard. Medigard. It goes, medigua. Medigua. Medi-a. Is Alex and Alexandre? Yes. Okay, there you go. What do you think? Could you figure out the technology to get...

No, absolutely not. But I think or I could get them like no, I sense of thing. No, there's too many. They're all over the house. There's some in the basement. There's some in our bedroom.

Oh, my God. I'm okay with getting rid of the small ones. And you guys have kids? Anyone with toxic plants all over your house? The kids are fine. The kids are smart enough. They're not going to mess with it. The issue is Alex, every once in a while,

like a true... Look, I can't judge him because it's a move I would do myself, just goes, I'm just going to touch it. it. He's just like, oh, I need to cut this thing, and I need to do something. Yeah, he goes, oh, shit, that thing needs to get tried and he goes, I'm just going to do it real fast.

He just does it. Like, he's like, oh, my eyes. Is it always his eyes or is it other areas? Yeah, it's his eyes. It's more than he also catastrophizes things. Like, it gets really, that's when something bad happened. So he's dramatic, too. He's very dramatic.

Yes, he's very dramatic. I know. I'm surprised he has this like, it's a crazy combination to be dramatic. Yeah. And impulsive? It's a romantic combo. Yeah.

But I think the sign is a good, I think if I put the signs and I put up the signs with the gloves, and I just kind of have, like, you know, like danger, like, you know, a voltage sign for like electric. What about if you do that embarrassing thing where you get the caution tape? Yeah. And you put caution tape around the bottom of it. Yeah.

And one around. make a sign that says, caution, must wear gloves. Alex is not going to like that. He won't like it because he likes everything to look. Agreed. And then you can take it away based on good behavior. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like an incentive. Zoe, did you just say an eye washing machine or to Christos? I was thinking it. An eyew washing machine, a station is real. An eyewash station would be really good. And so you're like, you're going to keep doing this because you're not listening. So here are your options Either you wear gloves every time

And maybe you could do this as like a presentation to him Where you go Like a PowerPoint or something Yeah like a power you go like look Here's the reality else I'm happy you're happy We're not ending this thing We also both know each other

So you're not going to make changes here By just making changes So this is up to you now big daddy If you touch it again You either We do the caution tape we do a wash your eye station or we do

a thing with a pole with the gloves I'm fine yeah wait but how many times has he been in the ER I just want to three three for the eyes that's that's approaching craziness I think this is like after one is yeah after one

and then he did it two more times I'm just thinking this guy needs like a heavy-handed response. Yes. So here's how I'm going to relate to Alex. I take my dog for a walk and I let her off the leash

and this is before I would keep the leash dragon and she would always go near poison oak. I'd get the poison oak on my hand and then I'd panic and throughout the rest of the day before I'd clean it, I'd touch other parts of my body and it would spread. Oh yeah. That happened.

Why would you do that? Touch other parts of my body? Yeah. Because I would think, okay, I know I have it on my right hand, I got to clean it. And then they don't have an itch. And then I'd go, fuck, I think I just touched my ear. Oh, my God.

And then I'd be like, I'm in the middle of the arroyo. I got to clean it. And then all of a sudden I'd go. You don't just have like hand sanitizer or something? I don't carry with me, no, do you? Yeah. You do? I always do, yeah.

Do you have a whole eyewash station, too? No. But I was thinking when we were talking about eye watch station, I was laughing because, I was laughing in my head because I had something got something in my eye

and then I found this thing I thought was like regular eye wash but I guess it was a veterinary

eye wash and then but it's the same stuff but just says it's just for animals eyes it just

I didn't realize and then it says veterinarian recommended and I was like oops but it's just but it works

like crazy it's saline it's the same stuff, you know. So that's what's in your bag right now. Horse I watch? It's not what I have. No, it's not for horses.

It's not, it's for all animals. That's cool. Including humans. That's cool. So Crystal, what are you thinking of doing here? We've given you some pathways. I mean, I think that, I like that of doing a presentation, but I think I'm actually, I don't think I'm, I think I'm just going to go right away and put fine.

Oh, you are. Okay. And put them. So that's what you were saying with the heavy hand. Because I've already, like, I get mad. Like, I get really pissed at someone this happened. He's already been in the ER three times. He doesn't react.

He's just like it. Okay. Yeah. All right. So walk us through what you're going to hang, how it's going to look. And then obviously we would love to see photos when you're done. Yes, please. I will.

I'm going to buy, like, some gloves and I'm going to place them in the three different areas of the house. I'm going to have a sign that it's like that I'll probably make with, like, danger for eyes. Like, instead of, like, a person being electric to you, like, I'll put the eye being. That's pretty good. Especially Alex. Crystal, there could be a thing

where you really shame him. Yeah. Put Alex. Alex. That it's like, and it's like baby gloves because like Alex, the baby touches these cactus

and then touches his eyes. Or, I mean, they should fit him though. Agreed. But maybe what if they're like two sizes too big? Yeah,

well, that's what I was thinking is that they're bright yellow. Like, you know. Kills the vibe. Really. Yeah. Kill the vibe.

I'll get some really big gloves. I'm going to put some fines and then I'm just going to like, I'm going to put them all over the house. What if on the gloves you write, don't touch your eyes? Yeah, great. I could put that, don't touch your eyes. You almost treat him like an idiot so that he's like, shut up. Yeah. It's like a, when you call those, like

when you have kids and you put like the little list of things that they have to do. A little chore list. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, we laminate. Something laminated. This is getting worse. You could laminate a little careful sign and put it right on, right in the middle the plant. Yeah. I think I can put it.

I might hang it so it's really obvious. I like this. I'm going to do that. I like this too. I think we have a plan. So when are you... I mean, hopefully it works. Okay.

And so, I mean, I'm going to tell you, Crystal, if you have signs, gloves, and a eye wash machine, a little station, and this dude bypasses all that, touches the plant, then touches his eyes. Then he needs medication. But by the way, then he needs more help. No, then he needs help for sure. Then his eyes are going to fall in it. Just let him go.

An ophthalmologist and a psychiatrist. Love him, but let him go with that. Yeah. By the way, if he doesn't do it, then the plants have to be murdered. Yeah, for sure. And I know a lot of people in the community are going to like that comment, but sometimes you got to get nasty. Yeah. And so you know, for his eyes.

Okay. So will you take a photo of everything and send it to us and then follow up with us? I will let you know how this works. Yeah, I think it'll work. Promise. Thanks for calling. All right. See, Christo.

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Hello. Hello. Hi. How you doing? Hi. Hi. Sorry, I'm so nervous. So if I sound stuttering, I'm just very, I have anxiety.

Well, get in line. It's a response. and they talk to Jake. And Zoe Dashineau. Oh, my God. You got both of us here, and we're going to help you. We're going to help you, whether you like it or not. Oh, my God.

So now you tell us why you have anxiety. If your anxiety out of 10, if anxiety is out of 10, 10 is you don't even know where you're out of body experience. Zero is your two. Where you at? I'm probably at about at 8. Like, I'm about to pee my pants and throw up at the same time.

So how do we ramp it? This is going live. No. Let's put it live. This is live. This is live. Stop. Stop.

Can't do that. Make it a nine. Make a nine. Oh, my God. All right, can we get your name, please? I'm going to go with Stephanie today. Okay. Stephanie with a pH or with F.

Let's go P.A. For sure, pH. Stephanie. Stephanie. A. Age range for either you or this fictional character name, Stephanie. Right. I am, you know, just a bit away from 50. So I would say 48. So you're just a kid. So you were, what are? You 78?

1970, you know what I'm talking about stuff? 1978, baby. Yeah. That's the good year. Stephanie, just a kid. Where are you from? I can't really say the city because we'll be talking about the city. of this lovely city. How about the state? And I work for the city. Okay.

Can you tell us like... I can say Canada. Okay. Is it a city or a small town? Full city. Full city. Full city. Okay.

We don't want to make Stephanie uncomfortable. Okay. Stephanie. What's up? Yes. Okay. So I am calling because at my work, there is this beautiful giant tree outside.

And we look upon it out of our office windows. And sometimes there are young gentlemen using it as a toilet. And that would be fine if we couldn't see everything. But they don't seem to know that we can see you pee. Oh, no. Okay. So. And so I just want to do something that might like stop them, creep them out.

This is like a classic, you know, when you see like, like how would you not think okay your head is covered but your bottom half of the way so that's the guy pissed well that's me

holding a banana that's a weird thing you did by the way what she did Stephanie is very strange so you stage the photo of you holding up a banana somebody from who you work with is going to call on you I appreciate this yeah but same

It's funny, but it's really, it's funny, but it's really weird stuff. It's so weird. Yeah, I'm doing this, I'm doing this call out of anxiety. You know what I'm going to do to call myself down? Put a banana and like it's my penis and a little piss near a tree. She's calling into this podcast. What do you expect? I agree, but Stephanie, really weird stuff.

Okay. Did you take? I just didn't, I knew I couldn't take pictures of like the real people doing it because then I would lose my job. Right, yeah, yeah, no, I think that's smart. By the way, the banana's a bit high up. Just FYI

The headache is too high I I don't have a lot of experience But I think what she's saying is Is it men piss near their belly button Yeah and they could Know that she from her office

Can see people's I know but then I'm wondering How many she's seen Because that's not where they are It's got to be Significantly lower Let's just ask Do you see

Hogs. I think what Zoe's trying to ask is, do you see hogs? It's difficult because, like, yes, we see the hogs. How many hogs have you seen? I would say over the years. I don't work in that back area, so I've only seen maybe a dozen. But the people who work back there see them, like, regularly. So what's near this?

Is it a park? A bar? Yeah, so it's, it's disdiscences. rowing club and it's a young teenagers who come first thing in the morning before school and they like they come they do their rowing and then they need to go to the washroom now there is a beautiful clean washroom like a one minute walk away that's for them but of course they're teenage boys they don't want to do this i know what you could do especially for teenage boys put a sign out there that says hey boys just so you know we could see your hall

and we're having a competition of big and small, but we can see them all. Oh, my God, that would be so funny. Especially in a cold morning, one out of ten guys is going to be excited for people to see his hog. The rest are going to go, it's bigger than this. This doesn't represent me. And if all of a sudden... Competition is big and small. We can see the long.

I love it. I'm going to disagree. Why? In the spirit of professionalism, since we don't want 70 to leave your job, I would say getting like a nice professional sign, much like you would at a swimming pool or something. We can see your hogs, but more professionally done. You just say, like, pee at your own risk.

Oh, cameras? No, just pee at your own risk. What about a sign that says, smile, you're on camera? That's a great one. Smile, you're on camera. Oh, okay. I'm writing all these now. Or rather than smile, fluff, comma, you're on camera.

That's also so unprofessional. Jake is showing he's never had a real time. Not a million, I've never lasted. No, but here's why I'm saying it. Because I will say I was in Canada. I was in Stanley Park and there was a sign that said, if you keep hey they're like hey beware if you keep using these garbages for your personal use we might have to do something about it yeah and i was like that was the most canadian i was very

can i was like what yeah you might do something like in america it's going to be so harsh into the point where you're like Jesus Christ 10 years in jail that's too much so i don't want to go like you're on camera where they're like all right where is the camera I want it very clear We can see your dick, dude And it's cold and you look little And what you're doing is embarrassing for you You're 16 years old

Put that little pecker back in your pants and go rowing Yeah You could just say no peeing too That's always being insane right now If by insane you mean like totally normal versus you're insane So, Stephanie, early on when you're hearing... Who do you like better for your Jake?

This is what he wants to say. Who do you like better? Like, the one who wants you to be professional and not lose your job or the one who doesn't care. They want you to say something. Once he says something totally crazy. Clove that little pecker. Get out of here, you creep.

What? I have to say, I'm really enjoying Jake's, but... She's not going to do it. Zoe has the right idea. Thank you. Her answers are calming me, down and like make me feel like, oh, this is, could make a change. So you like a spell.

Jakes are making me laugh. I just, but very nervous. Okay. So which one, here's what's really important, though. This is a show about results. Yes. Yeah, we're here to have fun, but we're here for results. Yeah.

What do you think you're actually going to do? Because then if you pitch it, we can really talk in real world about, do we think it'll work? Because I'll tell you what, if it said, please don't pee? Okay Me at 16 About to go rowing I'm pissing I'll piss on the fucking side

Disgust You're impulsing And an engineer And And Probably more impulsive then Not a lot of 16 year old boys I would say

Some will stop Others will go like Oh I gotta pee I'm real the tree That's what I'm worried about Is it's not just I do it anyway I do like they

That like They would be more prone to feeling embarrassed then you know what i mean so if they think that people can see them they probably would not want to do that i would say as a male if somebody saw my backside while i was peeing you don't care don't care if somebody in all nails are like that or do you think that's just a jake johnson thing i don't know yeah i don't know but i will say if somebody saying that as a jake I will say, especially in high school, if there was an area where, and there were, there were areas where you would just always piss.

Everyone's marking their territory. Yes. But also you're like, it's right behind that gas station. Just go piss there. And then once you do it twice, you're like, that's now a toilet. That brick wall is a weird toilet. I have another solution. What is it?

Cut a bunch of the... Ooh, that's a great idea. If you could just get some clippers and cut a bunch of that so that it's going to feel different to them. It's not going to feel like a bathroom anymore. It's going to feel like a lot more light and bright. And then you can add the sign for extra. Yes. I would also, and I don't know the cost of this, but what about like a solar motion sensor light?

Oh, right. A floodlight. A floodlight. I tried that on raccoons and they did not. They didn't care. They didn't care. Showy raccoons. Yeah.

They were. They liked the spotlight. They would have peed. Yeah, they're like, fuck off. They're like the Jake Johnson's of raccoons. They're like, I don't care. Watch me. Cool.

So what are you kind of feeling, Stephanie? What zone do you kind of want to go in? You were saying mine feel fun, but they're stressing you out. Zosies feel more practical. So you now have the steering wheel. Drive us to a solution. Okay, so I really like just like a nice sign and maybe something as simple as what you said

with pee at your own risk but maybe something like saying more like just we can see you pee. Yeah. How about I cup? I see you pee. Oh, yes. I see.

Oh my gosh, that's so funny. So the sign would say eye cup? Yeah, this was an old thing that kids would say, you remember, they say, you like, spill. I cup, then I, C, you do. You do? Oh, you do?

P? Yeah, totally. So maybe that's something. But what's the sign? It says, I cup. I cup. And then say, P at own risk. This is not going to stop anybody.

Guys, guys. Okay. Guys, this is not going to work. All right. They're going to walk up and they're going to go, I cup, I see you pee. And they're going to go. Huh? Okay.

And peels. Okay. So what do you think will work? FYI, by being, oh, you know what you could do? You know how they have, if they're filming on a street, they'll have signs, by being here, you are agreeing to be filmed. Yeah, great. By being near the street, you are agreeing to be filmed about our documentary

about teenage boys pissing on trees. I love that one. And they go like this, filmed. They don't know where it's going to be. That's funny and effective. But you could get two of those. And make it yellow. Make it yellow.

Two of those signs around. Yeah. By being here, you have agreed to film from NBC Universal television or Sony TV. Netflix. Netflix. Netflix. A Netflix. Yes.

Oh, yes. But make it feel big. Where they go like and make it. And make it. feel very productiony and official. Yeah. Like, get the legal writing

at the bottom, then have font that's smaller, that's too many words that feel very like legal bullshit where it's like, you have agreed by seeing this sign that you cannot sue when we use your face and your genitalia on camera. Your genitalia will be exposed without

pixelation. So that one guy doesn't see it and then his friend goes like, did you piss on that tree? And they go, yeah, they go, do you see the sign? He goes, if somebody said to me, I just pissed on a tree, and I go back in the rowing thing, and somebody goes, you just pissed on the tree? And I go, yeah, we all do every day. They go, dude, you didn't see the sign? You're going to be in a Netflix documentary.

And I go, about what? Teenage boys pissing on trees. And it's said that your dick could be on it. And I go, no. By being there, you agreed. No pixelation. I think it'll get the point across with the touch of humor. Agree, but it will get the point across.

And I think if you cut the tree a little bit so that it just feels lighter and brighter in there and maybe a little floodlight, if you feel tech savvy. You know what? I think Zoe's right, Steph. If you could cut the branches down, but then leave something up that feels like a production light. Yeah.

If I were you, get like a white square and put it in so you're putting light a little bit of natural light. A little flag. Oh, like the reflector or whatever? they see it and they go like, what's that? And it's so that you can make out the details while they're peeing.

Get creative, yeah. That sounds so gross. What do you think of that? Yeah, that sounds amazing. It'll be effective. It'll be effective. And all that's going to take is a day doing some signage, print them out, put them up around,

laminate them, taping them to the trees. Yeah. Put a sign on a little post. Oh, make sure. you like nail it to the tree though because you don't want anyone to take it down. Agreed. Oh no. Okay, yeah, yeah. So Stephanie

tell us what you're going to do. I'm going to make one of those like arrows and I have the corrugated plastic so it'll look exactly like the real ones. And then I'll put on the yellow on it like the arrow and then it's

going to be something like by being here you are agreeing to be filmed and then I'll do like a poster but like an 8.5 by 11 that gives like a full so it looks like a filming thing with like the small print at the bottom

I think it would be hilarious right and then I'm going to I do have like spears at home so I could bring those and just like click some of the branches but I might see if like our grounds there are

are grounds people here, so maybe they can help us out on this. I never thought of, like, doing that because the tree is just so beautiful. But we couldn't thin it out a little bit. It won't hurt the tree to... Yeah. Okay, this is sounding like a hell of a plan. You could also zip tie the sign. That was another thought.

Zip ties are good. Oh, zip tie. Okay. Zip tie. I'm like writing everything now. Thank you. I think this is going to work. I think it's going to work, too.

Let us know. I don't know here. This one's just really. about can we get the boys to see it. Yeah. I think they will see it. Okay. Just make sure you have enough.

Once it spreads and they're all talking about it, then if one kid keeps going back, yeah. Introduce yourself. You know what I mean? Oh my God. But I think it sounds really excited. If a kid keeps going back, Jake wants to sign him to his management company.

Guys got a huge honk. And he's bold. He ain't afraid. Stephanie, please follow up with photos. No, no. Just an update. No photos. A couple of photos.

It'll just be me standing with the banana. Yeah, we don't need to see that one again. Also, can you do it as a favor? Can you recreate that shot but put the banana in the right spot? Just so we know, even if the other thing didn't work, That works. I'll understand the male anatomy a little better. Thank you, Stephanie.

And follow up with us, but I really do think this is going to work. Thank you. Thank you so much, Zoe. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Have a good one. Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu. Yep.

We are also having our back catalog is going to be on Hulu. That's right. about 20 at a time. So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu. Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies? No, and you can get season one, season two. We're going to have a nice melange on Hulu,

but the day early. I mean, there's a lot of advantages. Here's another thing. Here's another thing. People going, well, I don't have Hulu. You got YouTube? Because we're there, too. Yeah. Hulu a day early.

YouTube for stress. And also, you go, I don't have that. We got Patreon. Yeah. And they go, I don't have that. What do you want? Yeah, okay, Jake. We're trying to be inclusive and you're yelling at them.

But I think you're right. It's just, look. Watch this show anywhere. There's a lot of options. Okay. Hulu's early. Hulu's early. Audio day of, YouTube day of.

Patreon, no ads. Here's the way to remember it. Hulu. new, so Nulu It's not the way to remember They also have back catalog stuff Okay, then that we call

Yeah, all right, it's falling apart We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds If you'd like to be on the show Please email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help

You can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash Here to Help Pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki.

And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Garethreth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults. their own decisions. That was a HeadGum podcast. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer.

Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends. HeadGum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends. We talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries.

So audience members can ask questions about friendships. and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes. We are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, PocketCast, or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week.

I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You are. I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so, okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now.

It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.