We're Here to Help - 322: Unicorns Drink Free & You're Running, Dude

Episode Date: September 7, 2026

The guys help a rural bar stand out among the competition. Then, they get a fast walker to cool his jets. Plus, a follow-up from Ep 297 "An Irish Poo-Dunnit (with Liz Meriwether)."Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. And back. We are here with Chopper 5, aka my brother, Danny Jay. He's got... Great to be here. news that is going to affect the community that you guys have all been part of with the van storyline if you all remember oh i hope they remember because this is one of the ultimate

we're here to help callbacks it really is it's true and dan we'll take over a little bit let people know what this story was who are behind people just start listening to the episode jane levy from sunset p i my co-star we were at a table read the other day So what's up, Jane? And she said, I know this is weird to tell you, but I started listening to the show this summer and I've listened to a lot of episodes. That's awesome.

So she probably doesn't know about the van. Well, she's about, Jan's. I think she and everyone else might need to be reminded because this is a callback that is basically what love is all about. Go on. You got a real radio voice in a sexy way, so don't be afraid to lean in. Oh, you know what? With that encouragement, I don't know how I could say no.

Exactly. Because tonight on K-Love, we're going to be spinning some tunes to get you in the mood. So right now we're here with Danny J. and J.G.J., the brothers of love. And we're here to tell you about a little story that happened on a podcast called We're Here to Help. Let me tell you, we are here to help. And these were a couple of lovebirds that we helped out in. in a big way. Where one of them I remember was a plumber with a white van,

and he did not like the way that it looked, or at least his lover did not. I'll tell you what, Jake. You are 100% on target. Do we like these voices or hate us? I think it was a mistake. A great start. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we went way too low. Agreed. But I do feel like at the beginning we were in a money zone, and then I felt like everybody at the same time was thinking, I hope they don't do the whole. And I could tell you. You and I looking at each other. Yeah.

It's like, you know, keep pushing through it, but this isn't that mess. This ain't it. So. There was no jazz in the background. That's it. I totally agree with you. And that jazz would have given the rhythm for the whole fucking thing, but without it, it was a mess.

And it was boring. Here's what happened. Please. Page and Connor, Connor's a plumber. He bought a van. It sort of looks sketchy. They parked near a school. Parents didn't like it.

It looked like the kidnapper van, and they called in for help. You guys were here to help them, and you said, well, let's help you out. And what you landed on was actually taking the van and wrapping it in an advertisement for your podcast. So your face and Gareth's face are legitimately. And Rob from Robert Grin put Gareth in a bear's shirt. He did. Right. Yeah, that's true.

Pretty good. And it looks great. And it is a, you know, a working van. It's out in the streets five, six days a week, promoting we're here to help. Yes. They came out. Ravinia of phenomenal music festival in Highland Park, Illinois, where the music of Quincy Jones just performed last week. Chicago Symphony Orchestra looks like Belinda Carlisle is coming tomorrow night.

And you know our friend Snoop Dog is going to be there September 4th in the Hontra. Stop advertising for Revinia, Dan. You fell off. I didn't know what else to say. I didn't know what else to say. We have to get to this weekend. That's why we're doing this intro. That's a fair point.

I lost track. But you're playing like Revenia music. So they are having their wedding this weekend. This is legitimately happening. Incredible. Your folks might recall I was the official. at your wedding. Did a good job.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Also, Jonathan Messerlian. They don't know how you go on. Also, Kelly's brother, Dan Nannamaker, and his now wife, Colleen. I'm on a hot streak. And you're good. And I will say you're good at it.

You take it very seriously. You add some levity. But you also bring the heat. Yeah, right? I'm trying to do it. You're doing a good job. I appreciate it. And so Paige and Connor, lovely couple.

We're at Ravinia hanging out together with the van, celebrating we're here to help, promoting the heck out of it, as well as a wonderful app. Please just move on. You got to get to the end. But there's so much context. If you don't know every detail. We're at minute seven of a 10 minute intro, baby. And we still got to talk. The sun never sets.

That's fair. So anyway, I'm going to do their wedding. So we got to get off this intro, but really quickly. Yes. The Sun never sets a movie that we produced together. Absolutely. The first, the second, well, really the first big one. That's the first big one.

That's fair. Ride the Eagle Productions, which the Patreon community helped name and made the logo, is at the front of this movie. Ride the Bull, yes. What did I say? I don't want to talk about it. We'll just put it to you down. I combined it with another movie.

Ride the Bull Productions. So it's coming out early first week of September. Yes. And select cities. So if it comes to your city, check it out. IFC is releasing it. It is a great movie. Dakota Fanning is incredible.

Lamorne Morris is in it. Corey Michael Smith, who's a fucking star. Debbie Ryan. So many, Anacconical, so many killers. And in theaters. This one, you get to experience it in a theater. So go see a show. It's not a lot of cities.

So if it's coming to yours, go support it. If not, you will see it soon when it's streaming. Dan, can you find a way in the speech to say something directly to the we're here to help community? That's a little wink in and nod if we're filming it. And if so, what's it going to be? The answer is yes, 100%. I think we can consider explicitly, calling out the community.

Okay. I think that's fair. And I think honestly, and then here's a little bit of sincerity before we close, you know, a day when people decide they're going to wed

and spend the rest of their lives together and invite other people just to witness that moment is one of the most, it's like one of the most sacred moments of a lifetime. And their truth is, we're here to help.

is a small part of it's the only reason I'm there. And it's an honor to be a part of that. So in a way, we all get to celebrate a really sacred, wonderful moment when two human beings decide they love each other and they're going to tell that to each other in front of their friends and family loved ones. So it's wonderful. That's really nice, but that's not what I'm looking for. What I'm looking for is maybe this for you to say something you've said in real life to me.

Yeah. A little advice to the couple was from a great 1970s song. Now I'm going to sing it for you all. And I want you guys to think about this at times in the next 50 years of your marriage. There are no good guys. There are no bad guys. There's only you and me and we just disagree. Come on, Jake.

Let's do it. and then go, so don't forget that, guys. There's only you and then point him and me. And sometimes we just disagree. You just can't see eye and I go, but that doesn't mean you don't love each other. And then point at an older couple in the crowd and go, these two know what I'm talking about. Yeah, should I grab my guitar and put it over? So everybody, we're going to look.

We're going to hear about how that went. We're hopefully going to get the video. And now everybody enjoy some ads. Hey, everybody. I'm asking you to check out my movie. The Sun Never Sets, directed by Joe Swanberg, starring Dakota Fanning, myself, Corey Michael Smith, the King, Lamorn Morris, Anna Conkel, and Debbie Ryan, and others.

You can catch it now playing in Chicago and everywhere on September 4th, you can buy your tickets at www.w.w.The sun never sets.com. Also, Chopper 5 is in it briefly, produces it, and weirded everybody out. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Function Health. September is World's Alzheimer's Month, but most people never check their brain, until something's feeling off or wrong. Well, I wanted to stop waiting and look at my own data. You see this with people in your life. You see, you know, the decline or something like that. Or as you get older, you start to worry about your own numbers and things like that. So that is what function health does. It gets to the bottom of these things. You can figure out

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And I don't care how many people keep telling me I'm saying Kachava too much. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm proud of what I have going on with Kachava, okay? You want a protein that's plant-based and delicious? Well, well, my friend, come to the Kachava table. We're talking energy, digestion, strength, metabolism, cognition, immunity. Kachava supports them all, two scoops, all the nutrition your body needs.

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My name's Jordan. Hi, Jordan. Okay. Where are you calling from Jordan? I'm calling from the Pacific Northwest. Okay. Yeah, I mean, how, Roughly how old, Jordan?

I'm 35. Beauty. Okay. All right, Jordan. Well, it seems like you want to be vague on details. So let's get into it. What's going on? So I bought a bar just a little over a year ago. And my town that I live in is about 700 people. And then the town that the bar is in is just under 3,000 people. So we're super small.

There's only two places where you can even go get a drink anywhere. and the guy who owns the other bar has decided that he doesn't like me owning the competing bar. So he's going around town saying that I shouldn't have bought it, that it's ruining his business. And I'm trying to figure out how I can kind of poke at the bear without being a total bit. Okay, interesting. So you're in a bit of a bar feud. This guy's poking the bear. And do you know what he's saying about?

your bar? How is he coming at you? So, actually, it's kind of crazy. Last night, I actually found one of his managers in my walk-in cooler taking photos of, like, the products that I even have. What the fuck?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I had to kick him out. And like, I was like, hey, man, you know, I understand that you want to maybe see what I'm doing, but why can we have, like, an amicable relationship? And he's like, you should have never bought the place. like, you know, nobody's been successful there and everything.

And I'm like, well, why can't I be successful there? It's intense. And it's like a really, really small town and a really like, the biggest, the biggest town is like anywhere near us is Portland. And that's still like three, four hours away. There's not a town in my area that's bigger than like two and a half to three thousand people. So I want to. stand my ground, but I also, I don't want to stick it to them.

You do want to stick it to them? Yes. Yeah, so like one day they sell hot dogs on like one day of the week. So I decided to start giving away three hot dogs the day before saying, why pay tomorrow when you can get it free today. Okay, so we're on that level. Oh, my God. You guys are getting crazy.

Wow. Yeah. And so how far apart are these bars? Like six miles Oh, that's far Yeah, that is far Yeah So it's that small

Why does he care? I have no idea, man I got you So you're the only bar in your town But six miles away He's the bar of that town But he wants people from your town To drive to his bar

Exactly So this is kind of, this is animal kingdom stuff. Mm-hmm. A hundred percent. He's a wolf, he wants all the land, and you're going, well, I can, there's enough food over here for me, too. Yeah. I mean, so the bottom-line question, Jordan, would be, you felt an answer.

Oh. I'm with you, Jordan. It was weird how he did that. I agree. I'm with both of you. I was waiting for you to talk, Gareth, and then you got quiet. I was like, what's happening here? I'm ready for her to do it.

So the bottom line I either need like a really good campaign slogan or something that I can start throwing out there that shows them like, hey man, we can all share the same patrons.

We can all be in the same boat. But like if you're going to keep trying to step on me, I'll step right back. You know, these are slightly different things, Jordan. And so and it's just for me, I've realized in this last few callers or last few sessions. I'm really liking a little bit more clarity

because we could all get along or, but if you fuck around, you're going to find out, those feel to me like different things and different phases of the attack. So what if you had like, but look, they could go together, but to me that feels like,

if someone says to me like, Hey, we could be friends, Jake. But if we're not friends, we're going to be fucking enemies. Then we're not friends. Then I'm like, well, don't threaten me. But if they say like, hey, man, we kind of got off a little bit sideways. Let's cross-promote. Let's have a little bit of fun.

Then I'll go like, yeah, I don't need to get nasty with you. Because, you know, I like to get nasty. I can miss it. I can mix up in the mud like anybody else. But if someone says, let's get out of the muck together. I'll go, yeah, I agree. Yeah, I guess that's kind of what I want to do. I would like to get out of the muck because, I mean, finding people in my walking and everything,

like, it's out of control, man. Like, I'm like, I don't know. Do you even have your food handler's license? Can you even be in my kitchen? Like, get out of here, you know? Like, why can't we just all be? Real weird. It's so weird.

It's so weird. And somebody else is, like, taking pictures because I have, like, an outdoor cook station for, like, on nice days. We like do like wood fire pieces and stuff and they're like taking photos of it. And I'm like, yo, man. Like if you want the information, come talk to me like a human band.

Right. Well, I'd like to bridge that gap. So ultimately. I already go out. Ultimately, we'd like peace. But maybe a little war to get us to peace is the move. Oh, interesting.

Keep going. So I think that I'm reminded of a Mr. Show sketch and my pitch is going to be we bite the tactic from the Mr. Show sketch which is where one grocery store puts the other grocery store out of business

just by sort of bragging about the things that their store provides that insinuates the other store doesn't provide it. Like We have bathrooms? Yes.

Like exactly. Unlike other bars over here the only bar within 10 miles. with bathrooms that you want to use. Or the only bar within 10 miles who have never been featured on bar rescue. Or the only bar in the area with the no rat guarantee.

Or I'll tell you one thing this bar promises that no other bar in the area does, bug-free booze. We don't allow, unlike other bars, we don't allow people to take bath in our alcohol before serving it. Yeah, yeah. Where you go like, what do you talking about?

And then you go like this, oh, I'd never implied you guys. Poop free ice. Yeah. Only bar within 20 miles that doesn't pour alcohol on their genitals before serving. Yeah, sober bartenders. You've got the sober bartender guarantee. And you know, in some of these unincorporated areas, that's hard to find. Well, and I think that that's better than like the picture thing

Because even if they're taking pictures, that's weird But that doesn't matter. You can deny that. And I think you could just have a kind of tongue-in-cheek campaign That really makes it seem like you're providing things that everywhere would provide But you're highlighting it as unique to yours. And you know what you could do and this could actually be good business for you Is you could get one of those signs out front that you could change the lettering every day? Oh, yeah, that's great.

That's great. It could be every day you're putting a different funny thing up there. And what you could use it as if it gets brought up, you go, it's just an advertising gimmick. You go, only bar in area

that and then every day you change the vat. Yeah. That's a great idea. That's great. And every day is change. And then you know what you could do, this is what you could do with customers.

If somebody, you have a box, and people pitch what the second thing is and if theirs gets picked they put their name on it, they get a free drink. This is so good. This is so good.

If you just start changing that sign and making it very funny, and then you run a campaign where... Only bar within 25 miles that blank. Yeah. And then you do a thing at the work where you're telling everybody, submit,

give you a best answer. Every day I pick, or once a week, I pick a new one. Or once a month you pick a new one. However you want to do it, if you want to do once a week or once a month. I think once a week, give people time to drive by and absorb the comedy. And then you go, the winner of that gets one to five free drinks with it. Yeah, two free drinks on the bar for being our serenot diverger at. And you do a thing, like you ring a bell.

Yeah. And they could do, you know, but you. you turn it into a fun context. They put name, email, yeah. And whoever gets it you make on a Friday night at 10 p.m., you announce it. Yep. Yes. That's a great idea.

It's great. Yeah, I love that idea. So then it's funny people coming in and being like, you know what? I've like literally written a, and while you're sitting there on like a date, you could go like, rather than trivia, like, you want to, and you have, what you provide people is buy 100 little golf pencils. Yes. And pads of paper.

And so you just say to people, it's like someone said at the bar alone and you go like, you want to do this thing? It's free. It's great. It's a great little calling card feature too to have that connection

to being in charge of your side. That'll be a thing that people will want to do. Yeah, because then for a week, you get to go, I got, and then also you can do things like people can put like their kid has an idea and so you got to be over 21 to get to free drinks but if it's like one is like only bar in the area

and some kid goes like unicorns drink for free and that's the best one you go like this it wins yeah it wins not I'm just envisioning somebody coming in a unicorn outfit or something but you're turning your bar into a comedic destination that can tease them, but also blows past them.

Yeah, and it's like your own little unique thing, but it's also funny to be like, RGM's not a dog or something like that. You can also go only bar in the area that doesn't stock other bars. Yeah, never bit. Yeah, only bar in the area without Kremlin spies.

Yes. And so the people just have to go, what does that mean? And they go like, oh, yeah. Unlike some bars nearby, we like our customers. Yeah. I love that. Yeah, especially because the other guy, he's like a grumpy, old curmudgeony guy.

He's like, everybody's out to get him. And I got into this business to, like, build community in my little tiny community. Well, that's what we're offering. I think that's exactly what it'll do. This is community. This is great. Here's how you pay the tab for us on this one. Take a photo of when the sign is up

and then take a photo of the little bucket you have that you pass around to people that they put the thing in for the first winner. I love it. Now, Jordan, I want to just make sure Rubber's Meeting Road. You're going to get one of these signs for outside and all the lettering. This is going to happen.

Yes. Absolutely. All right. When are we going to do this? Can we sit a timeline? Within the next like two weeks, I have a couple events coming up that I'm cooking for and just serving. And then afterwards, yeah, I'm just going to have to find the right one. Make sure it's big enough people can see it from the roadway.

Yep. Bada-bibu. There we fucking go. I think it's perfect. It's awesome. This is great. This is so great. Thank you guys so much.

I mean you guys would know what to do. Surprised ourselves. This one's awesome. This is a get. That's a lot. All right, Jordan. Appreciate it. I appreciate you guys.

That's a good one. You got it. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Quince. You know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing on repeat? Lord knows I do. Watch the video of this podcast. You'll see me in the same clothes all the time. I'll tell you what you're going to see.

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Hello. Hello? Hi, how are you? Good. How are you guys? Great. Welcome to the show. You got Jake. You got me. What's your name? I'm going to go with Lauren.

Lauren. Okay. Lauren. Where are you fake calling from? I'm real calling from Austin, Texas. Okay. And what's the fake age? Real age 28. 28. Okay. Lauren Austin, 28. What the hell is going on?

So my problem has to do with my fiancee. We've been together now for five years. And as long as I've known him, he walks so fast. Like he perpetually walks like he is running through an airport, like we're trying to catch a flight. And it's like sometimes good, you know, sometimes I'm like, amazing we didn't, you know, miss our tight connection. But other times, I'm like, there's a time and a plate. Oh, great. You're running, dude.

And like, it's sometimes rude, you know. Agreed. It's weird. Coatails. It's terrible. I get this. When it's terrible, it's terrible. Totally.

And I have not been able to, I've tried a few things that I can't get him to slow down. We're on a beautiful hike. I saw you guys a video of this one. We're on this beautiful hike, and he's, like, weaving through people. And I'm like, slow down. And he's just like, it's just who I am. Right. He's from Philly.

And so he's like, it's just from the northeast. And I'm like, we need to learn there's a time and place. Crazy. Okay, so we're going to see a video. All right, here we go. We're watching a video now. Is he shirtless? Wow.

Okay. We're on a hike. It was hot. Sure. Yeah, but he's cooking. And he's a head of you. He's cooking. He's moving.

He's moving and he's passing people. I mean, it seems like the hike. That's beautiful. Austin. That's Austin? That hike was in Norway a few weeks. Oh, that makes a lot more sense, yeah. Okay.

That was gorgeous. Yeah. And a hike I get a little bit more than like walking down the street. This is his constant gear. this is like in a mall we're moseying in an afternoon and he's like we need to get you to have a crombie and i'm like we could relax it's efficiency we need to get you to ambercrombie's a great line it's efficiency he's after he's after efficiency and that's how he is in life which is great in some aspects so i don't want to dull his efficiency sparkle but i need him to realize

there's a time in place yeah time and place for this speed. And when you've talked to him about it, he just says it's basically efficiency. He's not budging. Yeah, he feels pretty firm. And it's like he doesn't even notice he's doing it. Like, it's that one from the airport,

and you can see he's riding on people's tails. And then I get, like, stuck in the middle. He, like, maneuvers through people and then I'm, like, sandwiched between folks. And I'm like, I'm sorry for him. And... Well, then you're also kind of sticking around for the reaction of people being like,

that guy's insane. And you're sort of like, I've associated myself with this man on Coke. And I'm like, I know. And I love him. Sure. You know, I'm so stuck on that. Right.

Yeah. Great guy. Great guy. All right. So the bottom line question, Mary, just so we have it. It is how do I get him to realize there's a time in place for the speed and maneuvering, but to get him to slow down when we are not in a rush. Cool.

This is hard. Well, conversation we've done, so that's not going to work. I got a couple pitches. You could do that. I also think if Mary did a fake, like... Got lost. Lose him.

I love losing. Lose him. So you wait for him to start doing his little darting, and you just... Don't say anything. Don't say anything, and you dip into a store. You hide. You wait a minute.

he's looking around and then you go back out and you go where the I've been looking for it where the hell did you go I lost you what are you doing so fast and every time he does it lose him so we've done like I've done versions where I just like take my pace and I like catch up to him and I feel like he might know like she's gonna come out she'll find me eventually like I think I've maybe screwed myself on that where he's like she comes maybe let me just I'm not pushing back but maybe there's one where you take a half hour. Or you go home. And you go, yeah.

I mean, honestly, I remember my dad. Yeah, go ahead. My dad used to do that. I remember, yeah, my dad used, I remember the day that I realized my dad wasn't actually going to leave the park. I was like, bro, I'm not leaving. I get it now. So if you give him the day where you are gone.

Agreed. And you're just saying, look, you got your fucking agenda? Yep, that involve me. You send him a text. Well, here's the thing. Walking together means you're together. Walking apart means you're apart. Mm-hmm.

You know what I'd love to have happened. He walks ahead of you when he turns around. You're in the arms of another man. That's just... You're living in a big red commercial brother. He goes, what the fuck you go? The guy goes like this. If I had a chance to walk with this beauty,

I wouldn't leave him in the dust. What's the rush? She's still. behind you. What's the rush? She's stunning. Why would you walk away from someone like this?

I'll never walk away from you, my love. And then you go, get away from me, I choose my husband even though he leaves me in the dust. Well, as much as this won't happen and it kills me in every way, I just hope he walks

at a more leisurely pace, even with you. That's as romantic as it gets. And you might just fall in love with the actor. So, Mary, the pitch is a hired Lothario, who get for a half hour. Okay, I got a couple other pitches.

My first one is buy him some ankle weights when you guys are going out. He's going to get more of a burn. We weigh him down by 10 pounds. Yes, we get him a weighted vest. Oh, I love this. Something that's just going to slow him down, but he's also going to get his whatever he's looking for.

We're going to add it with some weight. Do you think that has flown down? Like, do you think 10 pounds on his back? Well, you know, the wax sack could be 60 pounds. Yeah, you can get him 60-pound vest. He, what he's saying to. How would I get him to wear it, though? Well, you're saying to him, honey.

You're going too fast, and then he'll go, let's go. We could get there. And then you go, you know what? It's basically like it's putting a speed, it's putting a speed bump on the street. Mm-hmm. You can go fast. Your car's going to go flying. You're going to rip up the underneath of it.

Mm-hmm. Okay. I think that one, not to be negative, but I think it would be a hard time in situations where a lot of times we're in an airport or we're hiking in Norway. Understood. You know, we just took a backpack on that trip. I can't pack. I got one. I got one.

Okay. A water gun and whenever he goes in front of you, you spray his butt. So it looks like he peed out of his butt. I mean And he goes What the fuck? Mary listen Sometimes

And you go Stop walking ahead of me And he goes Speed up And then you go No You want to walk ahead of me I'm spraying your butt

It looks like you pee He looks like you had Water diarrhea If he gets And then go like this And then if he doesn't Do it again And go like this

What'd you do Pee out your butt My fiancé's Peat his butt It's humiliating I can't believe I'm marrying a man who peas butt. Oh, here's another thing you could do that would be embarrassing is held for both of you.

Keep talking to him, but talk way louder. Oh. So if he's going forward, go like this. What's his name? Anthony. Be like, hey, Anthony! And he'll go, what? You want to get a lunch over at the subway sandwich place?

So should we get Chinese food? And he'll be like, why are you yelling? It's like, because we're together, but for some reason you're 30 steps ahead of me, like a maniac. Seen? That could work. Scene is very good.

Stop yelling. It's embarrassing. Okay, well, I would like to talk to because we're in the mall together. Yeah. And obviously, I'm not here alone. If I was alone, it'd be different. But we're together. So what you have to do?

Any good dreams lately? Are you going to go to Lids? Or talk to him about something that's embarrassing for him. Okay. Or something he's talked about. that he views as private. Look, they sell boxer shorts so you can get some new ones

because you keep wearing the ones with holes in them. And you know how you're talking about how like your upper thighs are too chubby so like your butt area eats up the underpants? They might have some lotion for your chafing in here. So that he has to go like, hey, dude, shut up. There's the bathroom if you still have diarrhea from Sabaro.

And I can just make it up. It doesn't need to be true. You could make it. up. Yes. It's fun for you. And then the solution is, stand closer to me. The closer you are, the quieter my volume.

Yes. The further you are, the louder my volume. Yeah. So he gets a little bit closer and then goes like, you're weird. He'd go, agreed. And then go, are you having any diarrhea from that sabaros or is it better? And he'll go, shut up, walk closer. Then he's right next to you and you're going like this.

You haven't any diarrhea? And he goes, no. You don't have diarrhea and you go, good, now we can talk like regular people. Is your back still sweating in the area above your ass? Yeah. This could work. I actually think this could really work. Okay, give us a taste of you doing it at full volume.

Let's see how it's going to feel at a mall or on a hiking trail in Norway. Okay. Okay, let me think. You could take some of the ones we use. Hey, honey, dude, you need to stop for diapers? the way home since you're having the leaky problem again. Humiliated. Another one.

Worried about those pants being too tight yesterday. We could stop and grab a new pair. You know, only one size up. It's not a big deal. Another one. That one's really embarrassing. It's tough. The athlete's foot was really itchy and it's a big problem.

We can get new socks and shoes. We can afford it. That's great. Another one. on. Honey, I know the undies we're squeezing that little part on you, but we can go.

We can grab new undies. It's not a big deal. Everyone has the problems you have. Because you're talking to them like a little boy, too. This is embarrassing. It's on trial. It's great. You can also just be like,

Honey, I think they have the paper you want to practice your calligraphy. This is very good, and I think it'll be effective. And I must say, the toll here would be great, which is when this is happening, you just film it. Film it. Just film him coming back. But what you're really saying is...

Get over here. Stop. And eventually, he's going to say, I want to be closer because I don't want people to hear that I have a mushy-tushy-tushy in the... middle of the shopping area. Yeah. No, this is it.

This is going to work. Okay. That's the right attitude. It's really good. That's the right attitude. I, if I were you, I would keep a little notes list of maybe things that maybe are real lifeish, and you can just heighten them when you're out with a little yelling so that it actually

does really strike a chord. But you can also just make them up, you know. Yeah. Are you feeling better? You were crying over losing your target gift card this morning. Are you feeling better? I think it's really good. It's really good.

Could I do like, honey, you need to stop you. You'll make it to the bathroom. It's okay. Don't worry. You'll make it in time. It's right there. Yes. This is all very effective.

There's no wrong things to yell. You're right in the pocket. You're right in the pocket. No wrong answer. No wrong answer. I mean, honestly, follow up with us. You know, I say this now as an overconfident doctor, when somebody comes in with a little bit of a rash,

but I know I got cream that works. Just follow up when this works. Yeah, this is going to clear up. Just put this on your rash. Just get back in touch once this is working, but a little video will be lovely. Make an appointment with the receptionist for the follow-up. This is a make-an appointment on the way out sort of situation.

Yeah, because we'll see it. We'll talk to you in about a month. Yeah, there's going to be some updates, and it's going to be cleared up. Yeah, we have a few flights, which are the perfect, perfect. Airport's perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

Yeah. So yeah, before you go, make a follow-up for three to six weeks. We'll talk to you, also. All right, Mary, thanks a bunch. But that rash is going to be gone. That's without a question. Perfect. Can't wait.

Thanks, Mary. That rash is going to be gone. Also a good thing to yell at your husband when he walks away from you. Rate one, writing it down. Thanks, Mary. Thanks, bye. Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow-up from episode 317, an Irish poo-dunnet.

with Liz Maryweather. Hello. Hi. Hi, how are you? Welcome back. Thank you. Who are you? What was your first call?

And what did we say? And where are we now? I am Mary. So the first call was about my friends eating my parents today. Oh, my God. Oh, right. Yeah.

Oh, my God. So, yeah, we ended with... Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, slow down, slow down. Okay. So for those who didn't listen to that episode, it's the Liz Maryweather episode, I really recommend you stop right now, go listen to that call and then come back. If you don't want to do that, and you're like, I'm in my car. Don't tell me what to do, which might be my reaction. will you reset the problem, set what we pitched,

and then let everybody know where we are? So one of my friends, I had my friends over for brunch and them used my parents' bidet incorrectly. And there was poo all over like the top of the bidet. My dad found out like the next day and had to like clean it and came to me asking like what had happened. And no one had been in the house apart from like my five friends that were there.

So we decided at the end of the call to send them a text saying that there had been like a crack in the window and had anyone gone into that bathroom. It just happened to have seen it so like I could get back to my dad for insurance and like let him know to try to put a time back on like when that happened to see if any of them would have been like, oh yeah, like I was in the bathroom and I didn't notice a crack. Right. So someone pooped in your dad's bidet. You sent a group text asking if anyone had noticed a crack in the window because that would place someone in there because one of your five friends crapped in the bidet. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And then so then tell us what happened. So I sent the text and then a few people kind of texted straight away.

Do you want to read the text, guys? Yes. Garrett, you want to read them? Sure. Okay. Okay, so we have the initial text from Mary, which is, hey, guys, this is super random, but were any of you in my parents' bathroom when we had brunch a while back, they noticed a crack in the bathroom window.

So we were just trying to figure out how long it's been cracked for to get back to the insurance. Also, I'm not accusing anyone of cracking the window, by the way, just trying to put a timestamp on it. Ha, ha, ha. By the way, perfect. Perfect. The ha-ha-ha goes a long way. Orla says... I'll do Claire.

All right. Orla says, the one down the end of the hall. I wasn't in the bathroom, sorry. I did notice a crack. That's Orla, now this is Aaron. No, sorry, girl, I haven't been in there. Okay? Claire again.

Wait, the guest one? Or their actual in-sweet? Then Mary clarifies. No, sorry, their bathroom. Like the unsweet. Claire, yeah, I wasn't there. Sorry. Orla says, oh, I wasn't in there, sorry.

Claire, damn, that's crazy, though. Like, how would it have cracked? Does it face onto anything if something hit off it? Orla, I didn't notice any cracks from the outside of the house if that helps. Okay, next one. Oh, Michelle. Okay, so we got more people coming. This is good.

Michelle, I would never use your parents' room unless I was trying to put a crack in your window, L-O-L. Aaron, same. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Blocked out. So then Mary says, yeah, I have no idea they were away that weekend, too, and I don't really use that bathroom, so it would have been really helpful to know. Aaron, yeah, I'm curious.

Could a stone had hit it when they were chopping out the trees? You're in hell now. Whereabouts is the window face? This is horrible. Does anyone know who's been in there before? God, I hope you've figured out, especially since there's Sally. Oh, fuck.

Okay, next one. Oh, Christ. More from Aaron. Oh, Aaron. I don't think it happened that long. Oh, wait, no, this is... Did Aaron write this? This is Mary, I think.

Okay, you go ahead. Okay. Yeah, okay. Oh, I don't think it happened that long ago. We were thinking maybe sometime around when we had brunch, because that's when blurted out name and blurted out name. We're moving in, and there was just a lot of moving stuff around. the back where that window is, so we think it might have been hit around then.

There's no punctuation in any of your text, by the way. It's not too big of a fix, to be fair, but I just remembered everyone needing to go to the toilet around the same time before you guys left, so I thought someone went in that one and might have noticed just so we could get a timeline for the insurance and get it fixed. If anyone remembered, it would have been great because my dad was stressing a little. Ha ha ha ha ha. The ha's manic. Yeah, I manic.

Oh, my God, that's a stress. Wish I could help. Claire says, I'd say you could estimate her lie, Shirley. Orla, could say around the time we had the really high temperatures. Wouldn't be unusual if there was sunshine on it hot enough, especially if it's load-bearing because the concrete around it would be expanding with the heat. Jesus Christ, Claire, that little engineer that could. Oh, Jamie. Jamie's new.

We haven't heard from Jamie. Sorry to be late to this, but I don't think I used the bathroom. I don't think. Okay. Is that it? That's it. That's the end of it. So that's everyone has chimed in now.

Everybody has chimed in and Jamie only sent one text at the very end. I don't think I used the past. Mary, who did you think it was? It was a day later. Who did you think it was before? We were kind of thinking mainly Claire. And what was your thought on Jamie? I mean, I like, it didn't comment.

Jamie to text kind of late and like not really like super responsive so it wasn't like crazy that she didn't reply because I think it was like a day or so later um because I because Aaron had hadn't used the toilet like we we knew that she wasn't in there so I'd like texted her to try like bring up the conversation again um so she felt when she was like talking about um like haven't ever kind of been in there to try really like maybe like someone might have been like, oh, like, I've been in there before or something. So it's, yeah, so it's definitely not Michelle. No, we don't think of Michelle either.

Especially with her going, I would never use that bathroom. You're saying you don't think it's Claire. No, girl, I haven't. So let's read, you think it's, you said you think it's Orla? She thinks it's Claire. Okay, so let's read. I'm going to read just Claire's in. Yeah, let's see if we get a vibe.

I'm just going Claire now. I wasn't in their bathroom, sorry. Wait, the guest one or their actual in-sweet? Yeah, I wasn't there, sorry. Damn, that's crazy. Like, how would it have cracked? Does it face onto anything if something hit it? Hit off it.

I'd say he can estimate or lie, Shirley. The little engineer that could. I don't think it doesn't sound like Claire to me This is crazy I feel like it doesn't really sound like anyone to be fair It doesn't sound like anyone Yeah I'll be honest It might just be a mystery

It might be kind of sad I'm not happy with that conclusion I will say of all of them Even though we're defending Jamie That seems the weirdest to me Yeah but that's also her personality I don't think I used the bathroom But I don't think I used the bathroom

I don't think I used the bathroom. No, but she's talking about like any bathroom. She didn't even read these texts. She's like, sorry, I don't think I used the bathroom. Jamie? Yeah. You just don't think she may use the unsweet one. I mean.

Yeah, I think that's where she meant for that. Yeah. Mary, are you happy with it remaining unsolved? Because I, my pitch would honestly, Jake. Yeah. My pitch would be to say, look, I'm going to be honest with you. There was poop in the bidet. Oh, it's never going to work.

Someone, hold on. Someone pooped in the bidet. Who was it? I just feel like no one's... It's not going to work. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. You know what I really think, and this is unfortunate?

If I were you, you could possibly write to Jamie and send a photo of the room and go, this is the one, FYI. If there's any chance you were in there, did you see the window? If you don't remember it, it's fine. But you were, I just trying to clarify with my dad, were you actually in this bathroom? Yeah, that's fair, actually.

I could do that. And then if she was... I have another pitch. I mean, sorry, go ahead. I would, this is my pitch. Okay. I'm not in love with you having to do this. But one on one, you text each one of them. and say, I know you pooped in the bidet.

That's insane. I just, yeah, like, no one, everyone's, what do you mean? Like, no one person won't be. One person, one person, one person won't be. That's building down. But they'll lie. Yeah, but, Gareth, that's like having cockroaches and being like, burn down the house. Okay, all right, I got another pitch.

Okay. I want Mary to talk to all of them, and I want to set up a Zoom where we get to talk to all of... She doesn't want to talk about this. It's beyond what Mary wants anymore. This is my problem. You're doing a bad job right now. I agree. Go ahead.

You are hot in that little room. So here's where you're at. I don't think it's... I don't think it's Orla. Or if it is, it's because she said that one line of, or you could lie, about the insurance thing basically being like, or I could lie.

Jamie's is a little suspicious, but Orla has given you no way to follow up with her. It's either you accuse her of doing it or you don't. Jamie said, I don't think I use the bathroom. So she has cracked the door for a follow-up. And that is just a quick photo of it and going, this is the one they're just trying to figure out

when it could have broke is there any chance if you were in this one you remember the window if not truly no big deal but that would then be an individual text to Jamie yeah yeah I could do that and after that

sometimes the world ends on a mystery man we don't have it all figured out we like to create things like religion so we can go I understand it but this is a great big old mystery man I can't bringing God into the bidet poop is unique

sometimes we don't have a book that tells us all the answers I listen we know something's going on I want closure but again I understand I'm outnumbered and my pitch is not good so I think go there and I don't know maybe maybe someday in the future

what are you going to do I think I can send Jamie a text and just be like hey, just about this bathroom, if you've been in here. Like, no worries, if not, and see what you said. But I just feel like it might end up being a mystery, unfortunately. I would have loved to know, but I don't think we're ever going to find out. Are you going to see Jamie in person?

Do you hang out with her at all? Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to see her soon. It's just so much easier to lie over text. I almost wonder if she should just ask her when they hang out and, like, show her a picture of the bathroom. So you can read the facial expressions. Yeah. I can lie over text so easily versus someone. Yep.

In person. Yeah, that's true. I can try, like, I can try to meet up with her in a while. I can go back to you guys, if anything. If this is our last chance, we should try. I think that's right. There's always the nuclear option. I'll text her tonight and see if she's free soon.

Okay. I love it. All right, Mary. Well, listen, I, yeah. You're helping. Yeah. I mean, unless Mary, you want to go crazy and you want to have people talk with us. Yeah, I mean, I don't think about it.

I feel like they would hang me. Understood. Yeah. Yeah. You want Gareth to go out there and take a shit in the bidet? Whatever you need. He's doing shows. Gareth Reynolds.com. No problem.

Gareth Reynolds.com. I'll literally go to Ireland to poop in the bidet. I'll wear Sherlock Holmes hat. I'll talk to all your friends. I'll do whatever you want. After November, I'm pretty, I got some time. Crazy choice. Thank you so much for the goal.

I'm trying to help. Take care. Bye. Bye. Bye. Hi. Hi, Gareth and Jake. I was just listening to the episode MetTower and Pitsball's butt.

Great name for an ep. In there, there was a five. follow-up with the Mormon wife sports team situation. During that follow-up, Jake said, it's not a bell ring, it's not a bell ring, it's a nothing. As a listener, I disagree. I like hearing what happened, even if it's just like a friend's catch-up and not the advice getting followed exactly, because, you know, sometimes people's path changes.

So don't be scared to share those follow-ups. Keep up the good work. Cheers from Australia. Hey, everybody, we just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help, it drops a day early on Hulu. So you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at Helpful Pod at Gmail. com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis,

Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Gareth, do stand up on the road.

go to gareth reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer.

Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends. Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends. Yeah.

We talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So audience and users can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcast, PocketCast,

or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You are. I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so, okay.

I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.