We're Here to Help - 325: The Nanny & Ecksplosives On Board! (with Carrie Brownstein)

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

Carrie Brownstein, Sleater-Kinney and Portlandia, joins the guys. First they help a lap swimmer stay single. Then, they help a caller prevent cake annihilation.“Podlandia: A-O Rewatch” is distributed by iHeartPodcasts and is available on the iHeartRadio app and everywhere podcasts are heard. New episodes air every Thursday.See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-325 Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Air best. Karebe. Yes. Carrie Brownstein's a special guest today. You and Fred created Portlandia, and Gareth and I talk about it all the time, but it's one of the only sketch things that really still holds up.

I'm pleased that you say that. It's hard to do. I think some of it doesn't in the sense that, you know, if you're dealing with something that's timely, especially tech, that's the thing, Fred, and I know what's the most. Tech sometimes doesn't hold up, but for the most part, I feel like we did. achieve something that stands the test of time. Oh, yeah.

And then you guys are starting a rewatch podcast. Yes, the world needed another podcast, and we dove right in. Very ahead of the curve. When we started this like three years ago, I said to Dag Shepard, I was like, you know, I was like, I think I'm going to start one. And he goes, when I started mine eight years ago, it was already too late. Yes. It's always too late.

It's cool. That's cool. He's correct. Yeah. At the same time, this. This is a very, I would call this a more consistent way of working at this point, podcasting. Yes. It's also so easy.

We're all at home and it's fun. We're at home. It's fun. You get to hang out with people that you don't always see on the day to day. So yeah. But I'm really, so have you guys already restarted, recorded, when does it come out? What's all the info? The details are you can find it on any, whichever platform you listen or watch podcasts.

I am still amazed people watch podcasts. I mean, and I'm glad people do. do, but I usually listen because I listen when I'm walking around the car. But it's called Podlandia A-O rewatch. For those in the know, A-O re-watch is based on a sketch A-O River. Anyway, A-O, it's a Portlandia re-watch podcast. It's on every Thursday, or it drops every Thursday. Cool. I just worked with Chrysler and was so blown away with them. John Kreisel, for people who don't know, is the co-creator of Portlandia, along with Fred and I,

very consummate director, super imaginative, really helped create the look of Portlandia and continues to do that. He does a lot of pilots. Yeah. And I think a lot of comedies that people watch, the look of the show was helped built by John. What did you work with him on?

We just did, we did a pilot together, so it was that. It was him putting his stage. Also, comedically, I don't know how he did it with you guys, but he's really funny at bits. Yes. And he would pitch things sometimes with like a facial expression, like from my character, he'd be like, I don't know, Jake. Maybe it's a little bit, and then he would do like a really weird smile and be like,

hi. And I'd be like, yeah, I'm just going to try. Like, no further note needed, but if I can just do what you did kind of, It's going to be very funny, man. Yeah, he is a good physical comedian, and it's sort of less like egregious or heavy-handed than a line reading to give a face reading. A face reading just gives you a zone to go in.

That's the line. That's where it's like, that's acceptable. That's acceptable. Not only is acceptable, it's appreciated. Yeah. It is. Yeah, we want feedback. Also, but how do you feel about getting a laugh on set?

Because sometimes I feel like that is, sort of like a false sense of security. Because it doesn't always translate. Like when the crew's cracking up, it doesn't necessarily translate into something that's funny later on. Well, what do you feel about it? Because you guys had such a specific tone, but the tone, once you're in the groove of Portlandia, that's why I think it holds up because it's its own rhythm.

It's its own language. And you get into it and you're like, yeah, but I can't imagine a grip at times being like Yeah. Here we go. Yeah. Unless it's a specific group who's like, this is my shit. Yeah. But if you got like a 30-year transpo guy going like, all right, so they're bookstore owners and.

Well, a couple things. One, you're right. Not everyone appreciated it. First of all, not everyone appreciated a 30 or 40-minute take, especially the camera operators. Fred is the king of a tangent. And once he's on a tangent, you can't slow it down. That train has gone off the tracks.

And he, and no one would call cut. Like, no director would be like, let's just stop it here. Keep going. Yeah. And even I, as his scene partner, knowing I'm supposed to be there to yes and him and support him would try to give him looks like, I'm still supporting you, but I'd be fine if you stop. Is the camera guy's going like this?

Yeah. No, there were times in the early seasons where you would see the camera adjust and the whole, like. hand switch. This shot would go out, yeah. And then really fast, before we get into the calls, will you walk this audience a little bit through your intro, into everything with the music, into comedy?

And then into directing. We worked together. Was it New Girl or was it Minks? It was Minks. It was, okay, yeah. Because I was like, I knew that we'd work. I couldn't remember the job. But then now you're a director, and you're a great director.

Well, thank you. You're a director. Thanks. And you're a great director. There's the great. I don't like it that much. You don't. I've decided I like acting more.

Well, you're great at acting. And by the way, maximum pleasure guaranteed. I'm just going to say. I loved it. And you're wonderful in it. And I, this podcast, great episode with Tatiana Maslani. She's great. She is crazy talented.

Crazy talented. And she was really good at answering questions on this podcast. In fact, she set the bar quite high. And I was like, huh. Well, listen to others. Listen to ones without any guests. the bar is really low. Very low.

Sometimes Gareth and I pitched some of the worst stuff that we've ever, afterwards we'll both go like, I don't know what happened. We tried our hardest. That was really dog shit. Sometimes Jake does this.

That's the ethos of the podcast. That's why I like it. It's very honest. It's honest. It's the kind of advice your friends give you. Yeah. So Carrie really quickly, though,

to put you on the spot, will you walk us through your art? Because it's truly unique. Yeah. It's so different. It's a series. It's a series of me feeling like, you know, major imposter syndrome. But it basically is. So I started a band when I was 19, when I was still

in college called Slater Kinney. And that's what I did for many years. And it blew up. It blew up in the sense that like critics like does in the indie world. But also it grew up outside of Chicago as a non-musician. We all knew it was cool. Everybody knew it. There was a time like in the 90s, early 2000s. Slater Kinney, we were in. Everything. Yeah. We were in the air. And so I did that for a long time.

Fred Armisen, also a musician, came up in punk bands as a drummer before, you know, joining SNL. And he was a fan of Slater Kinney. I met him once. We crossed paths. I remember staying at his apartment when he was on tour. I was on tour, crashed at his place. We never met.

And then when he was on SNL and Slater King, you were playing New York, he was like, come to the show. And I said, I can't. But he's like, okay, come to the after party. We met. And he asked after that if I wanted to collaborate, I assumed it'd be music. He wanted to do like a little sketch. He'd been hired. Sorry, this is getting a long way.

He'd been hired by the John Kerry campaign. If you don't know who John Kerry is, look him up. He ran for president. And Fred's idea. for a John Kerry campaign, a sanction campaign was to play Saddam Hussein. And this... Oh, my God. Well, this is the thing.

So we did this sketch, this video. And I played Cindy Overton, who had a cable access show in Ohio. And I was getting the first post-bunker interview with Saddam Hussein. And Fred said, based on that, he's like, wow, Carrie's very funny. And we just continued to make these little videos for our friends. And in that era, we started the feminist bookstore characters. Oh, no way. So it was just very organic.

We just kind of had this like a chemistry. It was romantic but platonic, if that makes sense. Like it just was this very deep connection. And at a certain point, there was just, we had a point of view, we had a sensibility, and Portlandia came from that. We pitched it as a show. And we got very lucky. It was just that era of television that you know about as well.

where people were just like, yes, let's develop something. Very quickly. Last question. What did the Kerry campaign think of what you guys sent them? Well, John Kerry did not win the election. Thank you. Enough said. They should have accepted our video.

I think people were ready for it. Oh, they passed on the video. Carrie, you didn't say that part. We didn't know that the video got passed. Can you imagine that? I'm finally out of the bunker. Oh, my God. Yes, it was, Gareth, it was that accent.

He played him like Pete Townsend. Oh, my God. It's amazing. All right. Well, with that, everybody, enjoy the show. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Casper. Casper mattresses are something that I've slept in because they sent me one. And it is a wonderful night of sleep, not too firm, not too soft.

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Hi, how are you? Great, how are you? Great. Thank you for joining us. You've got Jake. You've got myself. And we have our guest helper the great Carrie Brownstein is helping us today.

No way. Yes. Thoughts? Nervous? More nervous? You should be a little bit more nervous. I'm excited. Oh, I live in Portland.

Whoa. We could have done this in person. You could have just come over. It's not too late. I know. Yeah, I'll be right there. Well, can we get urinary? please.

Sure. It's Stacy. Stacey. You're calling for Portland. How old are you roughly, Stacy? I'm actually turning 40 this weekend. That's a big deal.

It's huge. All right. Well, why don't you jump in? What can we help you with? Okay, so I'm having this interesting problem at my local pool. I go lap swimming a couple times a week at the community pool.

It's a few minutes from my house. super convenient. There's typically a larger outdoor pool with, you know, 15 or 16 lanes, I think. And then a smaller indoor pool, which is typically where I stay because it's more chill and way less crowded. So for the past couple months, they've been doing construction on the outside one. So all of those lap swimmers have been coming inside to use the smaller one. Turn into the tub, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. But the problem I'm having is that I don't know if you guys know about like lane etiquette, but typically you'll fill all the single lanes first, and then you'll share a lane with two people, you know, up to three or four people, depending on how crowded it is. And the problem I'm encountering and have been for months

is that no matter what, people always come to my lane first to share, like regardless of age, gender, size, whatever. And I can't figure out why. So I'm hoping you guys can help me figure out a way to deter people from wanting to share a lane with me. We can, and I know why. Why?

A woman in her late 30s, early 40s, is the perfect person to share Elaine with. Oh, no. It's safe, considerate, thoughtful, understands the world, gets that there's rules to these things, is going to be thinking about your needs to. Accommodating, yeah. Just understands the whole situation in the way that a 50-year-old, man's not. Yeah, I assume you present us fairly clean. Agreed. Everything. I mean, I like to think so. Stacey, I'm jumping in your lane even if there's an open lane.

That's a crazy move. Unacceptable move. I agree on God, that has happened. Yes, it is so insuriating because I'm a nice person, you know, I'll share if we need to share, but it drives me crazy that no matter what, like even if I go and slow or don't make eye contact or anything, they come right over and hop in. I'm like, what is going on? Okay. So this is going to be, this is a problem that we can help you with. Carrie, what are your first thoughts when you're hearing all this? Where are you at? I mean, my first thoughts are that I worry that this niceness, you know, has come to haunt you. Something that probably helps you in the rest of your life is now making you susceptible to being taken advantage of. And you got to take up more space. And, you've got to take up more space.

and this is an opportunity to learn that skill. I think there's a lot of ways we can start to deter people from wanting to get anywhere near you in this pool. I think so. I think it's going to be quite easy, actually, for us. Gareth, where are you thinking? I agree. I think all the things that we're saying

makes you a great mark for someone to share a lane with. Anything that's not an imposition for the actual exercise you're going for, I do think we just have to kind of up the crazy and make people a little... We've got to peacock you a little bit. But also, Stacey... If you go and all the lanes are filled, right?

Let's do a hypothetical. Yeah. Yeah. 16 outside is shut down. It's filled up. You walk in. All six are packed. Two are filled.

There's four remaining. I want you to have an image of your head of four people in those four lanes. Can you see them swimming? Yeah. Which lane are you jumping in? I would typically jump in the lane with the old person. How old? Like 70s?

Oh, you would. See, I wouldn't. Yeah. What is your answer, Jake? Late 30s, early 40s. Yeah, you're going for Stacy. Oh, yeah. Well, you're the problem, Jake.

Stacey, in this situation, I couldn't be any more clear. I'm the problem. I think I would be the problem, too, because this is who I'd avoid. I'd avoid, like, the Michael Phelps-esque person, like someone who looks young and like a professional semi-pro.

I would probably avoid a kid, you know, like a young kid. Any teenager I'm avoided. Yeah, and then the third would be just an elderly person because I'd want to stay out of their way and make sure they had enough space. God forbid I kick him in the head. Yeah, you're the fourth lady.

But how about this? I'll tell you who I'm avoiding in full. Men. Yes. Men. Yeah. Any age first, yes. Any age male.

Older man. Maybe. But yeah, we're talking old. But maybe, but also like the hands are going places. If they have goggles on, they're looking. looking at everything. Too serious. Yeah.

You're not wrong. I don't want to feel hunted while I'm swimming. I don't want to someone coming up behind me. Or the other thing is, as a man to a man, we both know it's going to turn into a competition. I'm not looking to race with you, Craig. I'm swimming. You can't throw a guy into like a situation that could be competitive and be like, be normal. There's too many distractions.

And then if, God forbid, one time your hands touch while going across. cross each other. Oh, I've been scratched. I've been kicked. I've been like hit in the eye. Yeah, it's awful. I just want my peaceful 30 minutes to swim. First of all, sharing a lane with strangers is terrible.

It is. Yeah. All of this is terrible. Carrie, if we were going to start pitching, because this is a pretty clean, easy problem, what would be your gut instinctive? How do we keep people away from sweet Stacey? I mean, I think anything that can turn your body into a source of concern for other people.

Oh, you're talking about like huge band-aids. No, no. I mean, there's that. We could do that. It's a great pitch. Bake an open head wound. Yeah. A bloody rap on your head.

Gaping wounds. I patch. With something oozing out. I've written eyepatch. I don't want to get kicked out of the pool. I agree. I agree. Is there, what about some kind of, like, is there like, do you wear flippers or anything like that?

Is there anything that you could put on at, you know, an appendage that would make you sort of less? What about a, yeah, going up, what about a crazy swimsuit? Yeah, I guess I don't know that people would really see it, though, because in the water, I eat, you know, I can't really see that clearly what people are wearing. No, you're right. In Portland, a MAGA hat, I think would keep people. Oh, I can't. I can't do it. How about a don't turn on me flag right on the outside.

I feel like even a Stars and Stripe suit could work in Portland. If you got me, where I am in this area specifically, that might attract more people, frankly. Oh, okay, just crowded lane. Yeah. Okay, but what about, and this is, I'm not saying this is like appropriate for people to be biased against this,

but I remember as a kid, like, being in locker rooms at like public pools and being, and this was, you know, late 70s, early. 80s and being pretty surprised that, you know, women at the time did not get rid of pubic hair. Like, and there was a lot going on down the thigh. Like, what if you just let that fly a little bit?

T.C. Or just go full Merkin. You know, they've got pieces you could buy. Outside the suit. Outside the suit. Outside the suit. You're only doing the backstroke. Go to an old school wig shop. Get a wig and just throw it in there. Let him come out the backside

too, who cares? And I have to wear it every time. Yeah. No, yeah. Well, you know, go ahead, Gary. Well, I was just going to add, okay, so, because I, obviously, we're having fun. But how, do you have friends there? Are we worried about burning the bridge or can we lean into some of this stuff?

No, I don't have friends. No, I don't. It's mostly people I don't know. I think we got house money here then. I do, too. I have, like, nicknames for people that swim when I swim, but I'm not like friends at the bridge. This isn't her group. That's great.

Yeah. It's great news. You know what I really think you're, one easy way to do it is so you do, you swim a lane and then you swim back, right? Then you take like, do you go constant or does it screw up your workout to go one length of the pool, stop for a second, and then go back? Are you one of those people who do is like the underwater kick? No, I can stop. I don't usually do the underwater thing. So here's a really basic thing.

Whenever you get to each corner, pull yourself out of the pool briefly and just go like, yeah. Like you're holding in breath, like, you know, just enough that it's like swim, swim, swim, and then go like, huh, swim, swim, swim, swing. Fuck! Like swim turrets? Kind of. Yes.

Like you're, like there's a little bit of stress in you and you're getting it. If somebody goes, you okay, you're going, like. Sorry. But swimming, release. You know how certain people have like, you have like emotions trapped in your body and you see these videos where somebody gets a massage and they're like, ah, start weeping.

Yes. That for you, you're swimming as therapy. And so you are going through a therapeutic experience. But with that comes sounds and irrational decisions. Because I'll tell you, if I was walking to a pool and I saw you, I'm going, I'm getting in her lane, then if you get to the end of the lane and go like, yeah, pass. Pass, 100% pass.

Okay. And then everyone's while when you're in the whole thing, like throw your arm up. Kick, spazzy, yell. I think what he's, I mean, what he's offering, I think, is right, which, like, there's two ways to go, I would say. Either make it seem like nobody wants to be around you because, yeah, there's something going on that nobody wants to slice of. Or you up how professional you look.

I would argue... Do it in a business suit? Doing a business suit, obviously. Doing in a business suit. I would say a swim cap and goggles could be a very clear way to say you don't want any of this. The other thing I would say... I already use those, though, is a problem. Yeah, but they can be crazier.

Like, if I see, like, a synchronized swimming outfit, that's... I'm way more out. Or the other option... is you could just kind of rock, like, if you wore like a kind of baywatchy outfit, and this is crazy, and I know this. But if you had the... Are you just talking of red?

Red, but if you had the red thing, if you had the red thing behind you a little bit. I understand what you're saying, yeah. That's crazy. It is crazy. But we were also talking about pubes. We're having fun. This is a safe space space.

No, Garrett. Hube was a good pitch. Oh. Well, then just drag a wig. Oh, yeah, wig. Like a bunch of pubes? Yeah. I'll stop.

Stacey, he's doing a bad job again. Again. Yeah, last calls, you did a bad job. A great call yesterday. Stop it. So, Stacy, you've heard some pictures. Where are you thinking early on? Where you at?

Well, the Wic thing kind of gave me an idea. Like, maybe I'll get like a dead animal or something and, like, tie it to me. So there's something kind of floating behind me. Is that too crazy? I apologize. I guess you were closer to where she was going to end up. Who knew I was the straight man? That's great.

Stacey, I'm going to jump in and say you're crazy. That's crazy. Are you talking a stuffed animal or roadkill? What are we going with this? Like, are you great? No, terrible idea, Stacey. What's more off-putting?

I don't know. I'll tell you most off-putting is that you pitched that idea. I think if people knew that you were capable, the fact that you're capable of pitching an idea like that, I would never get in the way. Yes. Publicize this a little more. If they knew your personality, they wouldn't get in your lane.

Yeah. Just play this call on a speaker on your back. You guys are really reading me wrong. I'm not nice. You don't want to share with me. You're talking about pulling a dead animal in a public bull? You're scary. Well, shall we revisit the pubes?

It seems like you were open to that. And now you're talking about dragging a carcass. I feel like that is a great way. I just say this sincerely. You can do that. But like I said, if you're already in the water, they wouldn't really see it. Okay. What do you think about Garris, they did and get a life-ass thing?

Get one of those Baywalkings. Oh, man. I'm going to really bring my lap time down. Well, it's going to be, it's going to make you, it's going to swim. It's going to make your swimming more intense. It's like a rucks out. But it'll be long enough in the back where somebody's swimming and there's a rope attached to them and then 15 feet behind them. is the bread life of thing floating?

I'm not going in there. It's crazy. I agree. I'm not going in there. I agree. That's a good idea. What if you started by getting in the pool and doing like a synchronized swim with like a plastic doll? You know, just to like.

Oh, my God. Now, wait a minute. I could do that. What if you had a back Bjorn with a doll, a very clear doll on the back? Oh, my God. My daughter actually has one that she carries her. stuffies around in. If it was a stuffy also, it could be.

You know what you could also do? This is an easier thing, but going off of this insanity, bring a couple stuffed animals that you put on either end of the pool. So when you swim, you just go and, like, give them five. So if I'm going in and there's little toys. Or if you took one, it was almost like you were bringing them to each side back and forth. Yes. Like you're in your mind.

I actually love that. And you're talking to them. You're going like those. You give them little chairs. Really quickly going this here and then go like this. Don't go the other side and see your other friends. Or if you had teacups, you keep filling. Just like a crazy little world you're in charge of.

Oh, my God. I love that. I love that so much. You pretend it's different villages on each side of your friends and there's fires and you're a firefighter. So each time you go, you just splash out of the pool. Okay. Yeah, or like the English front flag and a French flag and you're swimming the chance. Oh, my God.

And if you gave them little chairs and binoculars, like almost in the world, someone would be like, I'm getting in the way of them watching her. All you have to do to make this happen is go to a toy store, spend $100 on little action figures. You need three on each side.

You can dress up different scenarios. They're sitting watch. I'm sure one of the Army characters has binoculars. And then station them before you start, put a little, like, put a little towel underneath each one. Little set, Doc. I swear on my life, I wouldn't get in your lane.

No way. Yeah. Even if it was just, I think this is going to be very effective. If somebody's walking in and they go, that's a late 30s woman, she's going to be considering easy. She's got a bunch of toys and she's splashing them and one's got a French flag and what? I completely see that seven-year-old guy?

I'm joining Gerald. Yep. Fuck his old ass. Yeah. Profiling stops when someone has. has stuffed animals in chairs. Changes everything. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. There have been a couple instances where I have felt uncomfortable because of adults with stuffed animals. Most recently a baggage claim. A couple each with a stuffed animal. I just, I didn't know what to make of it and I kept my distance. And, you know, no judgment.

They, they, they, they can do what, some judgment. Maybe a little bit. But I, I steered clear.

I let them do their thing. Another time, you do you. Another time that happened, Carrie. where it does have direct effect on you, Gareth and I, is when the head of our union SAG, Fran Dresher, was in negotiating with the producer she brought stuffed animals with her.

It was really upset. That's really quite good session. Because that's crazy. Yeah. It was, we're not working. We are out of work. We cannot work until we all make this deal. Let's call this the Fran Dresher.

Let's call this the Fran or the nanny. because guess what? Oh, stay see. You're the nanny to all these characters. Yes. And so you're checking on them on each couple of laps and then they go, what are those? And you go like, I got a babysit.

I'm the nanny. You're a fucking monster. Oh, my God. You're the nanny. This honestly makes pubes seem safe. Yeah, you can just do that for free. That's a freebie. Yeah, it might not be a bad idea

of you to pop out of the, I mean, hell, Put a stuffed animal down the front. Stacey, how... This will work. Will you do this? Because this will without question work. Oh, yeah, I will 100% do this. I'm going to go raise my kid's closet and get all the little supplies I need.

Stacey, this problem will be solved two minutes after you get in the water. They're going to stop doing construction on the outside when they find out you're doing this. They're going to open every other lane. Yeah, you'll be the new owner. You'll have this place to yourself. This is going to be a first time ever, but Gareth, ring the bell. Honestly,

we're allowed to bring the bell on this one. This one's over. If this doesn't work, Portland's crazy. If this doesn't work, we'll buy you a pool. The show will buy you a pool. Okay, so just quickly, what are you going to do? You're going to go to the store.

What kind of version of this are you going to go with? Well, my son, has a lot of like G.I. Joe kind of figurine. So I'll probably take some of those and some of my daughter's stuffies and maybe put the G.I. Joe's on one side and the stuffies on the other and have it be like opposing camps and I'll swim back and forth to the opposing camps and check in and splash them and stuff. I think the flags is a good idea. Okay, the flags. I think there's some because first of all it catches the eye and then also I think it does sort of set up that there's like some specificity going on in your wild mind.

But also, it seems official. You know what I mean? Yeah. When people see flags. But yes, this is government sanctioned. Stacey, follow up with us on this one. Okay. Send his photos.

And it's not crazy for you to be taking photos of this. Again, you're bringing stuff to the people. No, not at all. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much, you guys. All right. You're very welcome.

Good luck. Talk to in a week. Nice to meet you, Carrie. Thank you guys. You too. Hope to see around. If you got to go, you have to start looking for her swimming. I'm going to look for this pool.

There's always so many. A conservative-leaning Portland pool, I think I can suss that out. You can find it. You can find it. Oh, God. Bye, guys. Bye. And we brought you by Wayfar.

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Hello? Oh, my God. Hello? Are you emotional? Oh, my God, no. I don't know why I sounded like that. That's okay. Welcome to the show.

Hello. Hi. My name is Shelby. Shelby? Yes. Hi, Shelby. You've got Jake, you've got myself, and you've got the great Carrie Brownstein joining us today. Who has a Portlandia rewatch podcast called Podlandia.

That everyone should go check out. It drops Thursdays. Hey, Shelby. Oh, such a dream team. Hi. We'll see. Hi. I'm not going to lie.

The last one went pretty good. Okay, I'm excited. I'm hopeful. Okay. Where are you calling from? I feel like I have to give Utah a better reputation because of the skid marks they I'm calling from Salt Lake City

Oh skid marks Oh right We had a guy who kept getting skid marks And all that needed to happen was he needed to wax his bottle We got a lot of guff to I just feel like it's my duty to have a better problem I got to tell you it ended up being a pretty good problem Because we learned a lot

And Gareth and Gareth and got waxed also And loved it fair. That's fair. I gotta go back. I really do. He was crazy about how it felt for him in the back. Crazy about it. Listen, that's not what this is about. And, Carrie, I'm sorry to throw you into the deep end of this pool. No, I'm intrigued now. I was too. That's very straightforward. Carrie, he was crazy about it.

All fair. You'd go like. Stop acting like, it's like, I'm Gaga over a girl in the 50s. I wasn't crazy. It was after it all sort of, after the dust settled, I was like, Girl in the 50. He's crazy about it. You're doing Dick Tracy. I did say crazy about it too much. Yeah, he's crazy.

It's all he talks about this guy. He's getting his gams, waxed and up. He's crazy about his buttle getting waxed. He's crazy. All right, Shelby, what's going on in Salt Lake City? Okay. So I... Deep side is started.

I was like a side hustle. I know. Thank you. I like to fly. I'm very dramatic. Cool. I have been baking for like two decades. I'm 28th.

I've been baking like my whole life. And I'm technically a pastry chef. But I just do it as like a side hustle. So I make like birthday cakes and baby shower cakes and whatever. And lately I've been getting a lot more wedding cake orders, which is so exciting. Except Utah drivers are the worst people in the world. Wait, hold on.

You got to pause for a little bit because Natalie's showing us something. Yeah, they look great. We've got a lot of people who are not watching this. So what we're looking at right now is beautiful little cakes. There's a baby blue cake. There's a green cake. That one looks like there's got two swans. What is going on with you, Natalie?

These are beautiful. You're going so fast. Well, the cakes aren't like that important. You're airy. Hold on. Natalie, but hold on, Natalie. You're doing it while she's talking. Most people just listen to the show.

So I always say Garrett tells what we're seeing. Then when I start telling, it's like it's a hit a mole game. Whenever I talk, come on, when you're flipping it, you maniac. It's like clockwork orange of cake. What are you doing? Did you just do coke or something? Talk faster. You do coke.

Get through it. You're being insane. You do coke. Okay. In Natalie's defense, the cakes don't really matter. And I, the email. Then why are we looking at the stars, Natalie? It's context.

Okay. But the cakes, the cakes do matter, right? Because I feel like, does something happen to the cakes? Yes, she probably has to get swerved around, but they're showing as the cakes so the audience and know what the fucking cakes look like. Okay, yes. Natalie, hold on one second. Natalie, will you describe the cakes? No.

Yes, Natalie, please. Go ahead, each one. You've been punished by Jake, Natalie. He already punished me yesterday. Okay, you've got a baby blue cake with seashells on it and pearls. It's nice. It's a green cake with two swans and swirly cool candles. You've got someone's yellow cake.

Engaged. Engaged. Oh, engaged. It's a heart. Engagement cake. And a wedding cake, really nice. Very professional. White. Yeah. Okay. Thank you, Natalie. You're welcome. You're so welcome.

Okay, we're back to you. Perfect. The problem I have is I want to get like a bumper sticker on my car that says like there's a wedding cake in here. If you make me flam on my brakes and ruin it, I will murder you, but that feels too wordy. Yeah. And I've had to get, maybe Natalie got a, I'm hoping. she did, but I had to get very creative with how I secured the cake in my car recently. And that's beside the point. But, like, that's what I was driving with when a car almost merged into my lane into me.

And then I was like, I think I should get a bumper sticker that essentially says, cake on board, but that feels boring. And also cake can mean a fat ass. And if I'm driving the car, there's always a cake on board. Gareth, what are we looking at here? So in order to get creative, what you've done is you've got the cake in a cardboard box and you've put a long sort of like poster tube, like a shipping tube, in between your passenger seat and the cake and the middle seats are dropped down. So you basically created like a, oh, there's more.

There's a tube between the cake and the seat so that the cake can't move if you slam on the brakes essentially. Yeah. But it doesn't look super secure. I could see that not working. Okay. I mean, it was, for what I had at my disposal, it was great. But as cars were swerving into me, I was like, this isn't fun. Swerving into you.

And I have a friend, swerving into me. I have a friend who's like a designer and illustrator who said she would make me like a big magnet or bumper sticker to put on my car for when I am delivering. we just cannot come up with what to write on it. So my question is... Yeah, what we do in that bumper sticker. I say blow off the cake. I say we do a lie. You said the term delivering, I would say, new baby on board.

Same. Put that and also put the cake in a car seat. I agree with the car seat. Fully agree with the car seat. And new baby on board. Absolutely. Newborn. I like it.

Well, it's... If you wanted a thing, it could say cars with cakes can't slam on the brakes. But I agree. If I see someone with like a cake thing, I'm like kind of whatever. I would even go. If I see that, that was very clever and very fast. But if I see car with cake can't slam on the brakes, I'm reading it. I might hit her.

Yeah, I think. But there's one, I'm not trying to be rude to parents. But there's a lot of baby on board stickers. And I'll be honest, it doesn't really tweak my attitude too much. I agree. Thank you, Gareth. I wanted to say that, but wasn't feeling brave enough. That is what I was thinking.

I've got two lies for you. And maybe something we can throw on. Okay. The first one I would say is if I see a student driver, I pay a lot more attention to that back. If I see like student driver caution, that I feel a little bit more... Learning to drive. I give that a little more bandwidth. I feel like that, I give that a little bit of a little bit of that.

but more of a lane, pardon the pun. But I would say maybe instead of a baby on board, if it was like rare birds on board. Like, cause I want to get close to see. Same. And also, there's someone that's going to, like, call you out on that. You're going to be reported for like. You got rare birds, which, Carrie, what are you thinking?

Yeah. Well, I, you know, I'm following. I feel like I was on board with baby on board, but then agree that those are a dime doesn't. They're ubiquitous. We, we tune those out. I do give a little wider birth to student driver, caution, new driver. I think that's, that's a decent one. I worry about, I mean, people do love animals. So like a, like, puppy, puppy transport, you know, like, rescue. Dog rescue. Yeah, there's kind of rescues. You know, transporting. But it can't be, but the reason I don't

like birds is because I feel like people will be like is this a black market situation? Are you transporting something from a, you know, a legal trade, yeah. Lizards from another country on board. Ivory, rare ivory. And the other thing I was going to say is, you know, there seems to be this sort of like legal loophole with the red, the yellow siren. Like you can have like, remember the car. Like there, you could sometimes you just see a car with like a little, you don't even

need to be on. But if you have a little yellow siren that's off, I also that to me, I go... I agree. That scares me. Yeah, I'm like, I don't like anything like that. Any sort of extra lightage? Yes. I don't know what you're doing.

Even that like kind of what sometimes the crown, those cars that look like decommissioned cop cars, they'll have that extra light up front. That throws me off a little bit. How about a bumper sticker that says, I have a gun? In America? Salt Lake City.

Is that a deterrent? Okay, hold on. Salt Lake is majority non-Morman, but it's Utah County, the county south of us, that I would not want a car that said I have a gun because I feel like they would pull out a gun and be like, do you? Because I do.

Okay. Salt Lake City, I would be like that I would be the weirdo, but in Utah County, that's like, they're all like, we all have guns. Let's special about it. Let me ask you a question. Are you Mormon? No.

How about one that says, I drink a lot of coffee? And that's true Salt Lake is actually We have really good coffee I know But that's letting people know Yeah you're not

Salt Lake you're crazy Yeah The Mormons can't touch that shit I also might say When you're starting to hit More congested areas Pop the hazards on If I see a car drive

With hazards I'm like this There's some shit going on here How about just this? That's so true Caution Stay Clear With hazards I like

But if I just see, if I'm driving and I see caution, stay clear, I'm taking the advice. I think that might invite more questions. I think new driver is enough explanation to keep people from being like looky-lose or doing any kind of, you know, investigation. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's the rare birds effect. Yeah. Which we've all talked about for years.

It's the Streisand effect. The Streisand effect with the rare birds. Yeah. It is. Yeah. Yeah. Caution. Or what about, and I don't have the wording for this,

but I remember during COVID, every once in a while there would be like vans transporting stuff. Like live like a biohazard. Yes, the biohazard signage. Or organ transferring or something like that. Orgon, yes. Live organs. Yes. Live organs.

Mm-hmm. Or you'd go like caution transporting virus. Transporating virus. A giant KN 95 on the car. Like, ew, what's in that car? You know what else you can do? Transporting illness? Ew.

This is prop stuff. But if I saw something that said caution and a big silver tube sort of strapped to the top, like sometimes it looks like... Oh, the tinfoil hat kind of on top of the car, yes. Something that just is like. Like, that's the, well, honestly, if we want to get fucking crazy, the cars with a thousand bumper stickers, I'm always like, have a good life.

I don't want any of this. But not everybody's like that. A lot of other people are like, that's fucking awesome, dude. You've destroyed your investment. Yeah, I agree. We're just giving options. So going back to you, Shelby, what are you liking? Okay, the new driver, I feel like, because every time I see that, I'm like, good for you, I will stay clear of you because I don't want to deal with that.

So I do feel like that would keep people away from me. For the bit, I do love the caution organ transfer or organ delivery happening, but I wonder if that would also invite more questions. I mean, if you want to talk about for the bit, new driver and organ transferring. is kind of sending a message of, hey, this may as well be like a Chevy red flag. I'm not going to get anywhere near this. Yes. Is that too much, Carrie? No, I think that's what that relays is I'm important, but irresponsible.

Yes. You know, it's a confusing message, but it gives people, they'll still declare. They're like, let's give you space to do this important job, even though you're not qualified. Which, you know what? Important but irresponsible. Put that on my tombstone. Put it on a cake. Yeah.

Put it on a cake. And I would also say the seat, the car seat, I think is a great addition. There's just real protection in there if our fail safes don't work. The only thing about the car seats, because are you suggesting I put a cake in them? Yes. Carrie? They don't really lay flat. Right.

But there's not, because like a baby is like at an angle in them, you know? Yeah. You're right. Well, but they also make like, there's also things to like, if you have dogs in the backseat where you can kind of have like, there's container situations. Should I get a dog car seat? Something. You have a tool right now.

Right. Yeah. You know what? I worry that you only have a tube bolstering. in like a vertical line and you might need, you need something coming from the other side to your phone's on. No, no. That shut up, should I get a dog car seat? That's a great idea.

That was me being very excited about that. Guys, guys, I got to jump in here. This call's not about how we keep the cake in that car. You're right. God bless it. I mean, we obviously have just proved we can pitch on anything. One thing at a time. But she's got a call back for that.

We're just now, this is about the bumpers bigger. This is why you're the king. And so, thank you. I agree. You're right? She's in the car, it started. And so, guys, we got to get her off the lodge. She's about to buy this Corsica.

Let's not talk about motorcycles she can buy. Or do you like Winnebago's? We've also got a Winnebago shop down the street. Are you on Facebook? Guys, there's different salespeople on that lot who are getting those commissions. So going to you, Shelby, what are you thinking of doing for the problem you called this dealership about? I think I'm going to have my friend design a caution new driver and a caution new driver

slash organ delivery. Maybe it'll sound a little nicer than that. And we'll do both and I'll just see which one feels like the right fit. And then are you going to do anything with the cake, anything with what Gareth was saying, with the tinfoil. I don't, I just, there was something I really liked about that, but I didn't understand it. I'm wondering if you did better than I did. I love the idea of tinfoil on the car, but is there anything there that inspired you?

Um, well, I love, did you, did you not get the tinfoil hat reference? Neither. Well, Gerith, what'd you mean by that? I was, I was, I was sort of suggest, I've, when I've been driving behind cars that look like they have a hazard contained material on it. I'm like, I'm leaving it alone. So I was saying- Carrie, you have any idea what he's talking about?

Oh, is I misunderstood. I have seen people who are... You've gone far enough, are sort of steeped in paranoia and, like, conspiracy theories. That's what I thought, too, like the one movie. Yes, that's also what I thought. Okay, okay. So three out of four.

Yeah, so, Gareth, what are you? I know you don't know. what you're saying, but what do you think you're making up right now? Here's what happened, and I don't want to relive it. Because like I said, she's in this car and it has started. She got a pen in her hand, we got papers in front of her. I said that. Nobody seemed to respond.

Carrie said tinfoil hat. Everyone seemed to like it. At that point, I sort of moved ownership back over in my direction. And then I thought I got to, no, let me finish. And then I thought I got away with it. And then we brought it up again. And I'll be honest, what happened. I got sweatier because I thought, oh, no, it feels like people are coming to me for a definition.

Then I started, you obviously sniffed it out, your little hound dog. And I knew you were just blabbing and it made no sense. No, no, no. Before Kerry saved you with the pitch that we all understood. Agreed. What are you talking about there? When people are driving around transported stuff with a weird thing on top of them? You see, no.

Okay, listen. We're talking about red flags, okay? Sometimes you'll see people driving around with like silver containers that almost looks like it's got a gas in it. It'll have a hazard sticker on it. Okay. So I was in the car. And we're in the back. It's like they're kind of bobbing.

Like a truck. It's like they're propane or methane. Yes. So I was suggesting we give the illusion. Again, I'm the top of her. Explosive. Oh, explosives on board? Yes.

Explosives on board. Caution, explosives on board is such a winner. Yeah, I think you have to do that. If you do that, that's an incredible pass. Everybody goes like this. Whoa, get the fuck away. And if you pop the hazards on when you get into congestion. Explosives on board?

You'll be driving solo. No traffic. No follow-up. People will be like, how did you get the cake here so fast? You were across town. There's no traffic. Yeah, you're going to be living like OJ. Cars are going to drive off bridges.

Talk about Mormon. You're going to live like Moses on the freeway. People will be like, move. All right. So, Shelby, what are you going to do? Okay. I think that, okay. When I get pulled over, do you think, for an explosives on board?

No. Maybe. Okay. Well, why don't I try it out? Explosives? And then you go, I'm at the cake. The explosion of flavors. Or you spell explosives with a K.

Explosives. Legally, you might be clearer. And also the red flag. It's checking a couple boxes. If you spell it wrong. I would be so much more scared. I would be like, terrified. No, if you spell it wrong, I'm pulling you over.

When are you taking those explosives, you maniac? They're not explosives, sir. It's a cake term. Yeah, you're right. It's a whole slippery slope. So maybe don't do it. I love explosives on board. You might actually get pulled over, actually.

Yeah, I just don't want to risk that. Don't risk it. I'm already fighting a $700 ticket. Yeah, so what are you going to do? I think I'm going to do, I am going to do, like, organ delivery, caution, organ delivery. Yeah, I'll do one of those, and then I'm just going to do one caution, new driver. And maybe I'll just put one on one day, and I won't be, like, not delivering. and I'll see what people are, and then I'll try the other one.

I think that's a great thing to do. Test it out. Yeah, by the way, if this is a side hustle, you might eventually be delivering a pig heart and a cake. It's highly likely. Yeah. Yeah. It's highly likely.

Dress for the job you want, right? I will just say I look. I look at one that says transplant team. Yeah, we want to be clearer than that. Shelby, we're going to end the call. We think you're in good shop. Follow up with us and let us know what you decide to do. Okay, great. Thank you guys.

Get us a picture, too. Yeah, I will for sure. Hey, everybody, we just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help. It drops a day early on Hulu so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

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