We're Here to Help - 326: Dumping Chocolates & Have It Your Way

Episode Date: September 21, 2026

The guys add a laugh track to a Portuguese dental office. Then, they call for Whopper to the floor. Plus, a follow-up from Ep 156 "50% Off When I Met Him."Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. We are back. Let me tell you a quick story, Jake. Go. So I basically have my van packed up because I got to go. I'm going, I'm taking the movie out. Great.

This whole long story. But anyway, so I was going to go to Santa Fe tomorrow night. And I was going to start my drive today to drive there before going to Colorado. And I'm like, got the van packed up. I'm like, get ready to go. I just left the studio. And I'm like, I take it like into a mechanic before I leave all the time. I got tired, all this stuff.

And I look at the engine lights on. I'm like, well, maybe I didn't notice that on the drive here, but whatever, it's fine. And as I'm driving a little further I'm like And then all of a sudden A system check, system check, system check lights starts blinking and I go Oh no

So I have a mechanic in L.A. So I go and I I'm like, hey, can I drop it off? And he's like, yeah, that's not good And right before I have the van fully packed I have food in my little van fridge And then I had to take it in And then so everything gets delayed.

So then I just, like I said, I just was, you know, when you have, I'm sure you do, when you have like a big pocket of stress, a burst of stress, you navigate it. Then I become a baby and I just want to go to bed. I've like literally like sleep on concrete. I got so tired. But so what happened with the car? Well, it's going to be, I'm going to just leave tomorrow. But he had to hustle to get it done.

It's like an alternator. But it was, it just crashed me out. but also it's great because I don't have to go today. But man, I mean, I just adrenaline crashed hard. And so it's, well, we're going to be airing this at different times. Where can people check, what website can they look at to see where you're going to be? Give ItUpfilm.com. And then if you want to see me on tour in September, I'm all over the east coast at garethrenolds.com.

You can go get all that stuff. I got something quick for you that really weirded me out when I was filming in Vancouver. You've been going hard. Yeah. True story. No exaggeration. I want your real thoughts. Okay.

Two in the morning last night, me and Damon are shooting outside of a literal bar called celebrities, which was the name of the bar. Okay. Shooting until about two, three in the morning. Okay. Drunks everywhere. Drunks on lime bikes just zipping around. One guy goes by our set. He's doing a full swerve in.

swirl around goes close to the set somebody goes like easy he goes fuck you bang hits a PA flies hits the ground bang head hits we a couple people rush over myself included he's like oh my brain my head pretty good but I'm okay don't worry about I just bang my hair pretty good

where everyone's like sit down blood chin he's like oh fuck I'm all right like I just banged my chin a little bit sits down holy shit get on the PA call the medic comes over he's like all right let me get a look at you i go that's not the medic that's craft service that's the food guy Garrett is not a joke wait it's not the medic doesn't know that's the person in charge of snacks that's the snacks and like meals like walks around the sandwiches very very good role but not medical and a very specific guy he had a big personality so i was i knew who i was

talking about. I go, that's not the medic. Give me some Cheetos. That's craft service. Give me some cheeses. Gareth, he takes off his craft service gloves, puts on black gloves. He now starts doing tests. Please sit over here. Could you look like this? I go, what in God's gray earth is going on? That's the craft service guy pretending to be the medic. The AD goes, in this province, you can have three. two jobs.

I go not those two, Jack. Oh, my God. Gareth, the medic in Canada is also craft service. I'm, uh, you know where I stand. Gareth. No. 30 minutes after patching this guy up and putting him in an ambulance,

and this is true. He and his female partner were walking around offering people chicken salad. Yeah. Dude, there was, literal blood? And he's going like this. Chicken salad, anyone?

And he's a chicken salad. And then he's looked for me. He's like, I got a veggie option if you want that. I was like, you have literal. So let me get your blood pressure. I go, my man, you have blood on your hands. He's like, no, man, I changed my gloves. Get out of here.

Oh my God. I couldn't believe. It was not real life to me. It was not real life. I don't care for it. But wow. Rob Roselle, one of my favorite guys. He is a.

writer from New Girl, he does Sunny to Dave, he's done a million things he was, he's the show runner on this, he's the reason, a big reason why Damon and I are doing the show. He and I were watching it happen. And at one point a police officer walked up and wanted to do a test and our medic goes like this. I got it.

And the police officer stepped back. Come on. And Rob said, Crafty can't pull rank on a sheriff. Yeah, he can. In Canada, he can. And Rob said, not to be mean,

just said in her his breath, this is not a serious place. This is not a serious place. Garrett. Oh, my God. Died. Laff it. Then when the guy's walking on, going, yeah, chicken salad, chicken salad. I was like, this is just not as serious.

This isn't the kind of, I don't understand this. You know what? I don't understand production here. Look, life in Canada is beautiful. I don't understand production there. Well, Kat Reitman shot her show in Canada. Vancouver or Toronto? I think Toronto.

Okay. But that, what happened to you there, here's what the good news is. It was your last night that you found that out. Because if that was day two, Garrett, I would have lost my mind. You in particular would have had a, that would have been a tough one for you to get over.

You're a germ guy. Oh, I, I don't. How about this? Someone's feeling sick. Who's going to, someone's got a fever? Who deals with it? Oh, hold on. Let me stop making this. Chex-Mix. You know what you just described is Steve Berg's dream scenario. Someone to just be like,

God damn it, Krafty had to deal with a medical situation. Is anyone here good at preparing weird snacks? As a matter of fact, I am. And then his weird snacks would be, I open up the Doritos. That's not preparing snacks. Here we are. I call it Checksmix. What's the secret? It's from a company called Checksmix. But what I do is I do cheddar checktanks mixed with original. Exactly. I take the ride chips out and I put them on a separate plate. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy some ads. And we brought to you by Wayfar.

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Hello. Hi. Can we get your name, please? My name is Hannah. Hannah. Hi, Hannah. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good, thank you. Where are you calling from, Hannah? Portugal. Portugal. Maybe our first Portuguese. I don't know.

Can you speak a little Portuguese for us so we can. hear it. I just had people, I heard them talking about it and they said it sounds like a mix between Spanish and Russian. Can we hear a little bit of you just talking about the show in Portuguese what you like and don't like about it? Okay.

I use your program every day to work. That's a fair description. That is Spanish-Russian. Yeah. Okay. Okay. A little bit. Please continue. I'm shocked how that sounded. Yep, same.

How old are you, Paige? Or Hannah, Jesus. How old are you? I'm 39. 39, okay. Hannah? 20, 20, 29. Sorry, much more life ahead of you. What's going on, Hannah? What can we do for you? So, I work at a dentist's office. Okay, who knows it? What?

And I've learned that... Sorry. No, go ahead, sorry. Yeah, yeah, you're good. Go ahead. Okay, so I found out my bosses, they are obsessed with checking the cameras all day, minute by minute. I'll give you an example.

When a patient comes in and they want me to go greet them maybe, they call me immediately and they say, patient X just arrived. Go greet them. Recently, we discovered that they're also hearing through the cameras as well. So a colleague of mine tried to set them a prank, and she went into a room with cameras, and she said to another colleague with a straight face,

I'm pregnant. The next day, the next day, all the dentists were talking about pregnancy, and one of them actually told her I had a dream last night that you were pregnant. So the funny part is whenever they want to talk about something like gossip or the bosses want to talk about gossip or secrets of them, I don't know, they'll go to the break room where there's no cameras. Okay.

So my question is, what's a non-fireable cheat codes I can use to make them log off. Gareth, recap this one for me. Well, I'm going to need you to fill in some gaps for me here, Hannah, a little bit. So essentially the problem is you feel like the bosses at the dental office. Are they dentists? Yes, dentists.

Okay, so you feel like... What would have your guests been there? Accountants? I don't know if it's like... I don't know. Architects? No, the big boss is like, he's not a dentist, but his wife is. That's what I mean.

The big boy, I was pictured like a bigger boss who, I don't know. But you feel like the, there's heavy surveillance of everything that goes on in the office. And they are kind of up your ass about. And they do pranks. Hey, get out of it. Well, then the people who work in the office are doing some pranks on the people watching. That's right, right, Hannah? Yes, so I'm pretty sure.

I think everyone knows they are checking it at all times. Imagine they come in the afternoon to the office, and in the morning we feel like they're watching it on TV at home, like eating breakfast. Right. It's that ridiculous. So you want to kind of through some action, make them feel like they are... There's KGB stuff.

Yeah, they're overdoing it. Big brother. Like, give them a little bit of a... expressing it. Right. A scare or a laugh or something that makes them feel like, oh, the people who work here are now fucking around with us because we watch them so much.

Yes, just maybe making them realize it's enough. Right. I'm an idea. Okay, go. Okay. This is weird, but I think it would be effective. I want you to find an area that is being, filmed, but it's a little out of the way.

Then I want you to go there, look around. I want you to be wearing a dress, then squat down and drop a baby Ruth. A chocolate bar. So it looks like you took a shit on the floor. Jake's pitching a... Then leave. later, I want somebody to walk by, pick it up, and eat it. You're doing the caddy shack.

Yes. So Hanna, he's, Jake's pitching a fake poop, the poop's a candy bar, and later someone eats the fake poop. I want you to do that every day. And the same room? Same spot. So that one of them goes like. this.

I think that woman took a shit on the floor. Then they go, oh. Then it sits there for two hours. Then somebody walks by with a bag and picks it up. Eats it. Oh, my. I probably I'll get fired. Why?

You just put a baby Ruth on the floor. You did not take a shit on the floor. See, all you did, he was. what you'd get fired for. You squatted down and put a baby Ruth on the floor. That's not getting fired. Hannah, just, you know, baby Ruth is our most turd like chocolate over here. I like that pitch.

You think that's too, what is the zone we're looking for? So the only places that don't have cameras are the bathroom and the break room where we have lunch. So what's an area that does have a camera, but you can have a little privacy? Maybe like the hole Perfect I want you to go in the hallway Pretend something's coming out of your butt and pull out a stuffed animal

Then just show it to the camera Like pretend you're Or pretend you're going to throw up Go like And then when you throw up The side of you that's blocking the camera Pull out a kitten And then like magic

Show it to the camera I think Jake has found to zone. Slight of hand magic. I think he is. He's kind of doing magic tricks. He's doing like for the camera.

If you're watching, you're looking at it and then turn around and bow. Yes. Or you know what? Turn it into the office, the show the office. Whenever something happens, look at the camera and mug. I actually really like that. I also like looking into the camera mugging and going, we're like this all the time. Yeah.

And then like put your hands up and shrug and go like, my brother, enjoy your lunch. Yeah. Or, you know what? Do everyone want to look at the camera and do a sponsored ad. I love this. Like something happens, you're drinking like a Waterloo. That's because it's what's in front of me. And then look at the camera and you go,

Waterloo, lemon and a lime, their greatest. That's the only beverage that will quench my thirst in the early afternoons. And then you just walk away. And then when you greet a new person, you know, like they want you to greet and be like, okay, you have one third the appointment. That sounds great. Come this way. I'm going to lead them right where they want to go

and then walk away. I think doing breaking forth wall to camera. It ruins it because now you're not spying. And again, I think to what you're doing that's great is you're also, you're playing into it. And it would be like if someone was like, Hannah, why do you keep looking at the camera? Be like, oh, well, I know you guys really.

You want to know everything. So I'm just trying to give you insights into what's going on. We figure there's so many cameras in here you want a show, so we're giving you a show. Yeah, we're giving you a show. Aren't, don't you guys watch it all the time? Yeah. It's not for emergencies.

It's you guys seem to be watching it all the time. So we figured if we're actors, we should be performing. I don't know why they call them wisdom teeth. Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything. Right this way. I can tell mine have been removed. Yeah. They took mine out a long time ago.

Is there any chance? Is there any chance I can get more wisdom team put in? Or yeah, so it goes in for their wisdom teeth to be pulled. You look at it and go, and don't work. You're not going to drop IQ points after we take them out. And say that every time and look at the camera. Every time keep, you should encourage the other people to look into the camera and deliver sitcomic lines.

And if anything ever happens funny, everybody looks at the camera. Yeah. Oh, boy. Another conundrum. You know what you could also do? Have a button that creates a little laugh track. And when no one's in the office but you guys, if a customer's there, you can't do it. but if it's just the staff, when somebody walks in, make the cheering noise.

Just bring up a video, bring up like laughter sound effect and have it queued up on YouTube and just go like, oh, dentist, I barely know them and then play like the laughter. The thing with those old shows, you don't even need jokes. No. I saw one where they had a laugh track, I think it was Full House, who's one of those multi-cams. They put laughs where they're quite literally aren't jokes. No, it's very true. You would walk in and go like, hey, is the break room open right now?

And you'd go, yeah, till four. So you guys think I should tell my colleagues to do it as well? I think so. I think if you're comfortable doing it, the idea that you are now turning the dental office into a four-camera sitcom with all the cameras is a really funny way to lean in. And just think of it like you're performing on full house. or some show where you walk in and you go, sorry I'm late, or maybe I'm not,

and like look into the camera and then play like a laughter, you know? How about this? You walk over in a hallway. You squat down for a second. Just like you squat. All you're doing, no, you go down like you're tying your shoe. You can't get fired for tying your shoe. That's right.

You tie your shoe. When you stand up and walk away, leave a candy bar on the ground. Say nothing. eating it. Yeah. Okay. Later, a couple hours later,

tell everybody, guys, don't touch that candy bar, I'm messing with the cameras. Later, go over with a bag and clean it up so there's nothing

on the ground. Do not mention it. If they talk to you about that at some point, they go like, did you take a shit on the floor? You go,

what are you talking about? When they show the video, you go, oh no, I had a, candy bar in my hand. I left it when I was tying my shoe. Hide the candy bar from camera. At that point, they're going to be so embarrassed. You accidentally dropped the candy bar when you were tying your shoe. What did you think happened? We thought you took a shit in the

hallway. We were coming to talk to you about it. Then go, do you think maybe you watch these videos too much? Mm-hmm. But slight of hand. You go down, you tie your shoes, you're wearing a dress. You're a little bit too low. Right under your butt, you drop a candy where you stand up. Ew! She took her, she defecated. She pooed. She pooed.

Later, she cleaned up to poo. Gareth, this will work. So I should just keep doing this like every day? No. Once a week. One every week. But every time it's a different piece of chocolate or beef jerky, anything that could look like poo.

And then you clean it up yourself. So what we want them to go is we have one of our workers goes to the hallway, defecates on the ground while faking, tying their shoe. Then you want them to come after work and smell the area and go, but there's no smell. how could she poo on the floor with no smell? Then one day they're going to go, what is going on with you? I say, what are you talking about? Why do you go out of the hallway and take dumps on the floor?

Are you crazy? You go, I have never done that. They show the video, you go, oh, that is turkey beef jerky. Why have you dropped it on the floor? You go, and forgetful when I tie my shoe, what did you think was happening? And they go, forget.

it. And then you say you've watched the cameras too much. Maybe you've watched the cameras too much. Hannah, you've got a swath of options. Only one of them, from what I can tell, doesn't involve fake pooping on the floor.

What are you leaning towards? What are you feeling okay about? Baby, right. Keeping in mind that Jake, I believe, has a sponsorship deal with him. So the chocolate one, I think it's pretty funny. I think it's just as ridiculous as them watching the cameras all day. See, we're matching the ridiculousness.

That's what we're trying to do. We're trying to make them embarrassed. So what are you going to do, Hannah? Jake's giving you a pretty specific version. I know, but you also have, you can do a sleight of hand. You could do the office bit where... You can do all those things. You can do, you can keep doing this around the baby Ruth.

You could do different stylized dramas over the baby Ruth. It's totally right. But you have options. I'm not just the baby risk. So Hannah, what are you going to do? So I like the office option as well, like looking into the camera and doing the gym face. Okay. Every time someone says something stupid, looking at the camera.

But that one, I would have to include all my colleagues. That would be funnier. Okay. And then are we going to be putting candy bars under ourselves? That's a funny one. I'm just scared. Maybe they'll think I'm going nuts and fire me. It's a possibility.

What would they fire you for? Do me a favor. I'll be you. You be the boss. Try to fire me. Hello? So, Hannah, we've been noticing something is off about you. Please tell me what?

So we heard from some of your coworkers that you have been, dumping chocolates on the floor. I didn't expect you to say that. You're in dumping smelled by chocolates. I didn't realize you knew it was chocolates. In that case, I don't really have a rebuttal. You're right. I think you got me.

I should be fired. Is something wrong with you? Is everything okay at home? Nope. What's going on? I think you actually just beat me, Jake, the confrontation. I've lost.

Jumping chocolates. I've lost. Well, why do you do this, Hedda? How about this for a pitch? Start with the office. Let that as it picks up steam. One of the plot lines in the office can be that you're bending down to tie your shoe

and dropping baby roots. Okay. How does that sound? Do you feel good about this? I'll feel like crazy, but sure, I'll do it. If they ask me, I'll just say, maybe don't you think you're taking the cameras a little bit too much. Okay.

Okay. I can't say that. I'll be fired. Okay. Don't get fired. I think that's a headline of all these pitches. Don't get fired. I think I'll just do that.

I mean, my colleagues look at the camera all the time and describe what we're doing to see if we can get a reaction out of them. Yes. Great. All righty. Well, thank you for the call. All right, Hannah. Thank you.

Bye. Hello. Hello? Hello? How are you? What's going on? What's going on, man? Can we get your name, please?

Damien. Damien. Where are you calling from, Damien? I'm from Connecticut. Connecticut. How old are you, man? I'm 29. You're just a kid.

You like wrestling? Wrestling? Yeah. I don't. You like Hollywood Hogan? Hollywood Hogan? Yeah. I'm not even sure I know who that is.

You don't even know who I am, brother? No, I don't. Well, you got a guest call or Hollywood Hulk Hogan. And we're going to solve your problem. You got Jake, you got Gareth, and you got Hollywood. All right, let's do it. You don't know who I am, brother? You know what we're going to do, Damien, because you don't know Hollywood Hogan.

Hollywood, we're going to ask you to leave the call. Let's just do it with M. Why? He doesn't know you. I'm here to promote my book. What's the name of your book? Hollywood Hulk Hogan, 15 ways to get it done in the bedroom. Okay, well, we're going to have to let you go, man. Now you promoted it.

Just because Damien doesn't know who I am, brother? Again, Natalie, will you mute Hollywood? Wrestling would not exist without me. You know that, Johnson. Muted. He's gone. so damien what could we do for you you got me and garret

thank god all right damien what's the issue today all right so i work at a Honda dealership right and um there's there's service guys there who call me when they need somebody like a customer to take home or whatever and i have one guy

who when he calls me every day he calls me a different food item go on and so like for example today he calls me and he's like, hey, Tater Tot. And I'm like, oh, yeah. And then the problem is when the customers get in the car with me,

they're calling me these names because he's telling them to call me these names. Walk me through this one again. You work at a Honda dealership. A guy calls you food names. So he's got to, Damien's got to take someone home. Like if, you know, like their cars getting serviced then they don't have a car.

Damien drives them home under the name of town. And so who calls you the food names? Your boss? No, it's a guy named Paul. He's one of the service guys. But he'll go like, Tater Tots is driving you home so that you get in the car and the guy goes, thank you so much Tater Tots. Exactly.

Why does the guy start doing this? I have no idea. Apparently, he did this to the old shuttle driver too. And it's just weird, man. Like some days I get in, it's like 7 o'clock in the morning. He'll put his hand on my shoulder and just kind of. to like whisper like today you're Dumpling and I'm like

Can you know us all the names that you sent us in the email? That's right. Yeah, yeah. There's all the names in the email. There's a few more I've added since then because I've just, I kind of take them down every day.

Tell Jake and Gareth what the names are. Okay, okay. You know, one second, just pull out my note. All right, so we've got corn dog, lemon drop, coaster, poodle, Sinabon, croissant, Tatercats,

ticklet, Quisler, Burk toast, and dumpling. I love all these. Dude, Damien, what the hell's the issue? Man.

What can we help you with? I don't see a problem, my king. We're on your side, but this guy's awesome. I don't know if I have. Corn dog's great. The problem comes with some names. Like,

I don't mind him. calling me food names all the time. Like, it's whatever, you know, he enjoys it. But it's when he calls me the sweets that I get kind of, like, when he calls me Sinabod, I'm just like, I don't want to be a sweet. So, Damien, I'm going to tell you this. My father owned a Chevrolet dealership in Chicago. And this is connecting to that because I've never seen anything like it.

But he referred to all the men who worked with him as really affectionate pet names. Like, baby face, in Swedish. like good looking and when i was in my late teens early 20s and would see it i would not know how to react but my father would say to a 50 year old man he'd be like hey good looking how you doing sweet face and these people would react these men would react affectionately towards it it was not so they did it back no they would they would accept they'd go like disarmed them no it was there was none of this it would a guy would walk in And my dad would be going to a Cubs game, right?

And it would be parking. And they would be like the guy running the lot. And my dad would go like, unroll the window and go like, hey, sweet face, you got easy and easy out? And the guy wouldn't even write. He'd go like this. Yeah, no problem. I'd be like, don't you just hit number four.

And I'd be like, did you just call him sweet face? And my dad would be like, this is not a deal. So my brother and I generationally have tried it. and it's very different for us to do. So I don't know. I mean, we want to get him to stop calling you different foods, even the sweet ones being called Sinabund by some random person who's getting their engine checked out where they go like,

thank you so much, Sinabund. I think that makes a Wednesday morning better. It does, but Damien, I hear you. You rather than go like, Damien? Yeah, because I'm like, I'm a girl man, and they're like, hey, tater tot? I'm like, oh, no. It's just awesome. I'm going to pitch a way to try to get you out of it, but I got to say,

the old geyser in me is really enjoying upsetting someone by calling it tater tot and having a customer be like, up here on the left, Tater, Todd, I'll get out here. Now, I kind of like, I kind of like maybe combating what they're doing with some of what Jake's dad did. Like, if you were coming back with, like, that seems like a fun way to do it

if you can come up with maybe weird terms of endearment. But I also think you could almost try to make the game, like if you could make the game not fun for him by trying to hang, like you have nicknames for him, but they're just not catchy or working. Like if you were to be like, you call him tight undies on some days,

or you call him King Kong. And it's almost like you're trying to play the game in earnest, but it's making it kind of weirder and weirder for him. Maybe that'll get him off it. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I get you. I get you. So something like that maybe.

But I also do think if you were to call him like good looking or sweetie pie or honey or baby girl or things like that, a la Jake's father, that could be pretty fun. It's kind of a fun way to manage it. I don't know. Yeah, I get that. He's kind of an older guy, too, so he gets kind of, like, uncomfortable when it comes to, like, stuff like that.

But he started the nickname game, so if you're coming back with, like, you know, things like that, where you were just kind of being, like, sugar blossom. Thank you, Sugar Blossom. I'm having a really hard time with this one, Damien. I really, as a guy in the bar, you're pitching. to me. I mean, you're saying, what's the, here's my problem. I'm putting my arm around you.

You're 29. I'm 48. I'm saying, young man, lean in. Because one day you're going to be the older guy at that Honda dealership, and I'll tell you what's going to be so fun is when you all of a sudden go like, hey, sweet cheeks. And the person has to go, he just called me sweet cheeks. And you go like, hey, tight denim.

Little James. I get it. What you could do is. What you could do is you could lean into one of the nicknames so much that it's weird. Like, if you got a jacket that said tater tot be dazzled on the back or something. And so you have like over leaned into what he's doing, maybe he'll be like, eh, this guy's like, he's overdone it a little bit. Or any nickname, another thing you could do is any nickname he gives you, you give you, you give him. him the same nickname but call him junior

so if you're Cinebun, go like this, hey Cinebun Jr. And he'll be like, why am I the junior? And he just will ruin a little bit of the fun. Yeah, I like that. It just for me, if I was like, hey, skinny jeans, and someone goes, hey, skinny against Junior, I'm like, I'm 20 years older

than you, you're junior. And they're like, all right, Skinny Jones Jr. I'm like, shut up. This is no fun. Or you could call him Wopper. That you call him that for now on By the way, let him call you whatever you want You just call him Whopper

Yeah, he's Whopper to you now Or he's double cheese Or he could be double cheese wopper Or you just do variations on Wopper Wopper no sauce Okay, okay Wopper extra pickles Yeah, Wopper extra pickles

He could rather than getting him to stop He's become a Wopper Yeah, you just do a lot of various And then you know what else you can do You can stop at Burger King and get a few crowns, and you can give them a crown once every couple weeks. Here you go, Wopper, you're the king. But I also love what you said, Damien, just adds a Wopper, no pickle.

Yeah, Wapper, no pickle. And so certain weeks, Wopper double meat. Wopper double meat. Fresh off the grill, Wopper. Yeah. Double meat, no cheese, Wopper. Then you get him a gift card to Burger King, and you give it to him. Here you go, Wopper, I know you eat for free, but he was 20 bucks.

And finally he'll go like, what's with all this Wapper's shit? You're the Wapper, baby. And then try to get everybody else around go like this. Hey, hey, you know Wopper? Yeah, that is actually a great thing to do. Like two people be like, you met Wopper? King of Burgers, tell him. Where he's like, I don't know where this is coming from.

He's painting him. He's like, what the fuck? Hey, King of him. He kind of does this to me because my dad also works at this Honda dealership. So he'll call my dad in the morning and be like, hey, today your son's fucking chicklet. Woffer, dude. So he's Wopper. So by the way, does his son, the guy who does, does his son work there?

No. Does he have any close friend or anybody there? No, I'm pretty sure it's just him. So, because what I would do is I would tell people before you tell him, he goes by Wopper now. I like that. And you know what else you can do? Get him like a cup, just act like. He loves the Whopper.

You call him Whopper. If you find a little fake burger at a store, you buy it for him, go like, it looks like a Wopper. I know you love him. And you just keep making it feel like he's tried to turn his personality into the Wopper, but he just doesn't know about it. He's Mr. Wopper. This is the Wapper.

You don't know Mr. Wopper? This guy's the king of nicknames. Wopper's got it. Nobody does it better than the Wopper. Flame broiled. Flame royal wopper. I think this is a win, dude. Get a couple of Burger King crowns.

I think it's working. You know what else you could do? Get some fake business cards that are for him, like Whopper, head of the service department. Be like, I made you some business cards. Put his extension on it. Yeah, put his extension on that.

Yeah. Wopper extension, whatever. Wopper. Hand him out to all the guys. Yeah. Have you made out of cars? cards for him. With his extension,

everybody goes, Wobber, you go, King of burgers. And you know what else you should do? Someday, go get a Wopper and get some

gift wrap paper and wrap it and go up to him be like, I got you a little gift. He'll open it and it'll be a wopper and just be like,

your favorite. Yeah, but never let him off the hook. With the bag? Yes. The wopper alone. Whatever you want. I mean, the wopper alone.

But then, whenever he tries to get out of it, your thing is you love Woppers Hey buddy it's not my fault you love him so much You're the king of burger brother I love you dude I love you dude I'm just saying thank you I wouldn't have you flame broiled I wouldn't have you any other way I'll have you my way

Yeah Yeah having my You know what I love about the Wopper You're gonna have it your way Yeah I want to have you my way man I love working with you brother I love working with the Wopper Dude even emotional like when he calls you

tater tot and someone's coming for the ride home and you go everything I learned I learned from the Wopper so he's just like this guy's outweirding me what do you think okay I like this I like this I think if you lean in hard it's gonna work lean in hard he's the Wopper now you can I mean do you have access to the PA system I do I think every now and then you probably want to say something like

Hey, we need the Whopper on the floor. Wopper on the floor from the service department. If you could get to the PA, that's how you soft-launched this. You launch it on the mic. Damien, you're right. That is a hard launch. Hey, Monita. The sales guys are going to hear this.

Damien. So give us a taste of what you're going to do on that mic, Damien. Come on, buddy. All right, all right. Here we go. Wopper to the floor, Wopper to the floor. And then, have a pause,

how does everybody know it's him? All right, so you know you can say, how about Wopper? Wopper, A.K.A. Paul. Wopper, aka Paul. King of burgers. Wopper to the floor.

So go Wopper to the floor. We're going to need to the floor, Wopper to the floor, and then go like that. Sorry, Wopper, A.K. Paul. King of Burgers. Everyone knows that. You're the King of Burgers.

Flam broil, Wopper, Paul, to the floor. And everybody, we're going to have you your way. Everybody can have you their own way. Wopper, we need you, Paul. Give us something like that real quick, just so we can hear you do it, please. All right, all right, ready? All right, here we go. Wapper, aka Paul, Wopper, aka Paul, to the floor, please.

That's great. How about giving us a little bit the have-it-your-way stuff? See how that sounds. All right, all right. Wopper to the floor, Wopper to the floor, aka Paul. Have it your way, buddy, to the floor. Okay. This is great.

Damien, are you feeling this? Because sometimes this happens where Jake and I are really high on our own supply and feeling good. You like this? Because I think this is going to be fucking great. Yeah, I do like this. This is going to keep it fun. And you've got to lean into it. We're talking.

Yeah. Get the crowns. This is a big win. Wapper. Make the business cards. Keep it going. commitment to the bit. Longevity is your friend in this one.

Copy, copy that. So take us out really fast to the audience with a little bit of Wopper talk on the mic and at the end say to everybody, thanks a lot for listening. All right. So you may do the PA system Wopper? Yeah.

Yeah. All right. We're going to do Wopper, A.K.A. Paul, Wopper, aka Paul, to the floor, please. Have it your way, buddy. now Damien Damien get some of your buddies to record

when this happens a little bit please let us let us live in this a little bit I agree Now even though we're not You got to page the tab on this one Yeah you're going to page the tab here So even we are with you We're not there

But we are there with you Enjoy this Use the PA system Give us a little video this is going to be fucking awesome. Just stick with the bit. Page the tab. Copy that. Copy that.

Thanks, buddy. All right, Damien. Sorry, guys. Thank you. Hello. Hello. Hi, how are you? Welcome back. We know your follow-up.

That's all we know. Can we get a refresher on your name? Sure. My name's Brian. Brian. Brian, why don't you tell us the first call, what we said, and then we'll get an update. Sure. Yeah.

So, well, I guess I feel like I should start. So my name is Brian. Brian Jr. has died. And my first call was this fish that, like, I work at a college. Yes. Yeah. It showed up and the fish has died. And so now I guess that's kind of the update.

but it's been a good run. It's been like... Getting right into it. Wait, Brian, this has been almost two years. It feels like a while ago. I think it's been at least a year and a half. Yeah, yeah, it was a while. Brian, will you reset up what your call was,

what we pitched, and what happened? Yeah, definitely. So my call was, I work at a small community college. There's students around all the time and some group of students thought it would be hilarious to just drop off a fish on my desk. One of those little beta fishes

that come in like a little cup. And it was like, yeah, it was on the end of its life. It literally had a 50% off sticker on it. Like that fish was about done. So that's what I got. I got a fish on my desk. And so I called like,

what do I do with this thing? And you guys pitched that I got to put it back on the community and I got to ask some students if they want to kind of take some responsibility for this fish. And they did. There was like three or four different students that wanted to help and we got it a

like a fish tank and a heater and a filter and some nice decoration. And Brian, I know we don't have them now because we've already done this, but Jesse, can you repost the photos of the world? Yeah, for sure. This. Okay. All right. Keep going, Brian. Yeah.

So the community came in and they like, they were pumped to help. And so the fish has been like living in my office for the past year and a half. Up until a few, I guess it's been a few weeks now. But I took a trip with my family and I let one of my daughter's friends take care of the fish while we were gone. No, well, no, actually. My daughter's aide or friend's aid. It was great. My daughter's friend did great.

She was awesome. I got the fish back. It was healthy. I brought it back to the college. or brought it back to work. And I was like, oh, I need to change the water. So I went to change the water. And I'm pretty sure that I didn't change the water correctly or effectively.

It was too cold or something. Yeah, Bri guy. Bri guy. Don't beat yourself up, brother. It happens. Yeah. So that's, I'm pretty sure that I'm responsible for what happened. Hey, Bri guy, Bri guy.

Hey, Bri, I know the road you're going down and we ain't going down it. It's not your fault. I'll tell you what that aquarium. doesn't have is a time machine, my guy. True. Okay. Living the now. It's not your fault.

Are you hearing him? Appreciate that. Yeah, I hear it. I hear it. Then say it. Okay. I rewatched Goodwell hunting recently. That's what I was just thinking, my brother.

I was there, dude. I was Robin Williams' brother. It's not your fault. Now, I need you to say. The water thing does sound a little in crimping. Go ahead. It was your move. I mean, it was your action, but not your fault.

You brought the eight-year-old friend into it for some, maybe to muddy the tank. You killed Brian Jr. Yeah, you did. Okay. But you also saved his ass. You gave him an extra year and a half. You live by the Brian, you die by the Brian. Yeah, but now he's dying, Jr.

So, Brian, you killed him. How does that make you feel? Well, this is quite a term for Robin Williams. This is a different movie. I just don't know which one. Bad will sinking. I think it's fine Because I go back to when I first called

I was really on team Like I should just flushed again Oh yeah It's kept me from doing that So he had a good year and a half Absolutely I'm okay with it And then Brian

What were the highlights What did you learn from having a pet for a year and a half What changed? A good question I don't know I really I mean a lot of students got some good joy out of that book.

There was a bunch of students that would come in. Hey, Brian, I'm not talking about what others got out of this. I'm talking about what you did. I don't know. I'm going to be honest. I don't know that I was ever attached to that face. Did it feel good to save a life, Brian? Yeah, yeah.

That felt good. I was a bit of a highlight, isn't it? I want to do something. I want to do something. I agree. Brian, we're going to give you two minutes, no stops. Will you? Uelogize Brian Jr.

And Jesse, if appropriate, would you put score to this when we, uh, those sad music? Put on those jazz glasses. Those jazz men and do it. Cut an album with Kenny Z. Cut an album with Kenny Z. Maybe you got a slideshow going. I love it. Maybe a slide show going.

Some fades. A little, some fades. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Get those glasses on jazz.

You're producing the fuck out of it, jazz, man. So, Brian, I know you don't want to do this. You don't feel connected. You don't feel... Too long. I know it is. I know it is, but Brian, here's what I'm afraid of. And I say this.

This is not late at the bar. It's early in the bar. I see myself in you. And you're not letting yourself feel anything. Everybody else has feelings. you don't have any feelings. But you felt pretty bad about killing the son of a bitch. And you are also the guy who called in to save the son of a bitch.

Well, I was honestly thinking you guys are going to be like, just get, just flush it. I was really thinking you were going to be on clean flush it. You knew you weren't going to say that, Brian. Not only have you listened to this show, you've called it. Brian. You knew what we were going to say, and we were going to say what you wanted to hear. And that is save Brian. Junior.

But you just needed somebody else to be the softy to your hearty. Careful. Agreed. So now it's time to close your eyes. Drop this tough exterior. I get the world as hard. But now it's time to be a little soft. We're looking at some pictures right now.

Just, Brian, remember when it showed up in that little... You gave him a middle name. I didn't realize that. Brian Scott Jr. That's right. Look at the table. Wait, hold on. Gareth, will you read what that card says?

The students did that. Okay. Well, let's hear what this sign, the little sign says. The sign says, hi, everybody. It's me, Brian Jr. I am a fish. I like... No, I am fish.

I like new house. I like new plants. I love rocks. I love dad. Thank you. I love you. Bye. Love what I have.

I want more toys. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I don't remember why we did a letter. Was that us or just the students, Brian? That was the letter that we sent out from the fish to the students for them to let's get the charity email. Right.

Right. So, and then you got a bunch of stuff. And guess what, Brian? Brian Jr. did love you. Loved you. And so I'm going to start to clock in 10 seconds. So gather yourself. You're about to learn how long.

minutes is, Brian. And I'm just, wait, and don't ask about time. I promise you, I won't have it go past two. But this is a one, and this, we're not going to give notes and go twice. This is a one-shot eulogy. Gareth and I are not going to comment. We're not going to do the, yep. We're not going to, we're going to sit. It's painful. No, it is. It is going to be painful emotionally. Death's painful, Brian. Feel that. Feel it. Would you? For once in your life, feel it. All right. All right. All right. We'll see what happened. nine six

three two oh wow even ten seconds when you just counted down felt like a really long time so I

am certain that as I think about Brian Jr we're gonna have at least two minutes of time to fill here so getting back to the beginning you uh you

started you started your your path um at some pet store, I'm sure, and sounds like things weren't going well there. Some of our students saw you with a 50% off sticker and decided, hey, $3, this is a great prank, let's do it. So they bought you and put you on my desk for $3.50 or whatever it was.

And then, I'm not going to lie, I was ready to dispose of you. I almost did. It crossed my mind, but I knew that those students, students were going to come back and ask. They were going to come back and ask about you, and they wouldn't have had an answer. So I listened to this podcast. I called in.

And maybe you're right. Maybe you guys are right. Maybe I knew that you were going to come up with a plan that involves me saving Brian Jr. And bringing them back to, back to counseling like, because I feel like I also remember earlier, there was vaccinations that I was treating them.

There were accusations of things of, All kinds of things We're being thrown out by some of the wonderful students that we have. But we made you healthy. We got your heater. We got you a filter.

We got you some toys. He had a little basketball thing in there. He had a little bench in there and he could swim around in. And we spent a few good years. I had a couple different people take care of you and they all did a great job. I wish I could say that I did

as great a job as all the other students and my daughter's friend that took care of you for a few weeks while we were traveling. I'm just glad that what would have turned into weeks free to live back in, what year? Is it? Back in 2024, I think, turned into a year and a half and definitely brought some good conversations with the students. And literally this week, there was a student to stop by and asked where you were.

And I had to break the years. He's passed on into the big stream of wherever beta fishes go when they're passing on. So, and close them, because I really feel like we have to be close to two minutes here, Brian Jr. I will miss some of the conversations of the students that involve you. And hopefully we meet again down the road. And, yeah, I don't really know what else to say about Brian Jr. I'm going to try to not take this as my fault, but I think we all know that I'm somewhat responsible for how things went. And I wish it could have done better, done right by you and kept you around for a few more weeks.

But here we are. So have a moment. the silence. How long is going to be the moment to call it, Brian. You got to end it, my man. Oh, that was our moment of silence. So, yeah,

I'm going to miss you, buddy. And I don't think I'll ever have another junior in my lifetime. So I'm glad that I had one. And it was a fish. And it was a beta. Hey, Brian. That was beautiful.

There's also three minutes and 54 seconds. So I guess you did have some things to say. You honored. him. We honored him. Yeah, we did honor him. You did the eulogy, right, man. I think there's a great eulogy in there. A lot of it seemed

sort of logistically griping. But I just, the whole time I wanted, I just kept thinking, I hope someone will animate this where this is at a real funeral. And we could just watch the people. people react to this piece.

This human being. Listen, Brian, we are where we are. You had a great journey with Brian Jr. Now, you're not looking for pitches, but I'm going to give you one on the funeral and two on the future.

My funeral one is I think you should invite the students to a common area where even if you don't have Brian Jr. any longer, I think we should bury him. and I think we should put a little tombstone there and I think we should do it real nice and I think you should just refine your eulogy there

we've worked out the kinks I wouldn't bring up too much about the it being my fault thing I just can't help shake the idea if I was at a funeral and the one person kept saying it was my fault I'd probably be like it could have been cut out so that's my pitch on the

passing you got a tank in your office you've already established you can do it. You've learned one final lesson. I think you go back and you save another fish. There's no point in having

an empty tank. It didn't take that much work. All this stuff was given to you. I think it's on you now to keep it going. And I think we need Brian the third. That's my pitch. So we lost Brian at the start of you talking,

but I just wanted to see how long you can model. And that's the end of the call. All right. See you later, Brian. I care. Everybody check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early,

and there's also Back Catalog episode. That's right. So we're here to help is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. Just join us. Let's go. We're here to help.

is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at HelpfulPod at Gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Foller. Theemed song by Oliver Raleigh. the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki.

And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice, given on we're here to help, is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast.

That was a hate gum podcast.