We're Here to Help - 327: Diarrhea Day Of & Cinnamon Toast Boner (with Maddie Mahoney)

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

Jake and Gareth are joined by Guest Helper Maddie Mahoney of Betches. Together, they get a new mom out of a hellish Friendsgiving. Then, they add a little crunch into TV time.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. We are here with Maddie from Betches. Mattie, Mattie, we met. Will you tell a story of how we met, what you do, you're here with us today and you killed it. Oh my gosh. Great work.

Great work. We've already done the call. It was really fun. And I think very helpful. I agree. I think so too. And I'm excited to hear them call back. Me too.

So Jake, you and I met on your press tour for the dink. And I interviewed you and Mary Steenbergen here at the Beches Studio. And you guys have a monster. I mean, rooms of production, open offices. you got a whole thing going over there. I know. And we're moving to an even bigger space in a couple months.

I'm so excited. What neighbor are in New York? Same one we're in now, flat iron area. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, we played a game called How Online Are You?

Which is a show that I produce here. And you guys are great. How online are you? I think you were pretty online. Yeah. I'm online a bunch. Because also from your kids, Jake, like you knew a lot of the stuff.

Yes, I think that's what. You also gave me some easy questions, which I appreciate it. Yeah. Well, it's sort of like, how online are you and also like how online are you like how online is jake johnson where is jake johnson on the internet and so like we get to quiz you guys on your own stuff which is really fun and so mandy what's your story how did you get started how did you get into this how did you find betches

and how did you take off oh my god tell us about you lady how online are you i'm more online than i should be it's like chronic it's bad um but that's that's my job um I started in acting. Went to NYU Tisch for acting. You did. Yes. And so what were you doing for acting at Tisch? I was at dramatic writing at Tisch.

Oh, cool. I was in Stella Adler, the one where we were forced to wear all black every day. Wow. That's incredible. Very serious. Very Shakespeare. Great. Okay.

And where are you from originally? Outside Boston. Compton Mass. So you went from Boston. You went to NYU for undergrad, 18 years old, wearing the sweat outfit. it's doing the thing. Yeah. How'd you like it?

And I loved it. I loved it. I just didn't really understand, like, what it was going to look like after I graduated, you know? And so the years after I graduated, I was, like, really figuring out, I guess, what everyone tells you, but you don't know until you know, which is, like, you have to just make your own work. 100%. And so what did you do?

So right after school, what was that initial product? Because the drop off from school, and I had the same thing at NYU, it's so. so harsh. Yeah. Because when you're in Tish, it feels like you're building. Yes. And it feels like you've already started. And you're like, I'm good at this.

And I've already started my career, I guess. And then you get out and you're like, actually, I don't even know what an agent is. Yeah. Yeah. It's such a rude awakening. I did do. I know, you have nothing. I mean, I luckily did graduate with some representation.

And so I was just doing like the commercial audition grind. And I started doing like UCB classes. Sure. Same. I just like tried to find some sort of further schooling. Yeah. That was okay. You know,

I just needed more structure. Yeah. But then I got really into the whole comedy thing at UCB. Fun. Started writing. And that's where I feel like I found what I really wanted to do. Yeah. Yeah.

And so then I was doing a bunch of like freelance producing for a while and like supporting myself with bartending. And eventually I just like cobbled enough of that together where I had like a decent resume and I'd always seen Betches being like, that's the place I need to get because I think that's like a structured full-time gig, but I get to be fully creative.

And what's really cool is like they're just on the precipice of creating so much work right now that's mimicking what we're seeing on like TV, reality shows, things like that but it's not the studio system. So you get like, it's not instant gratification, but you can just produce the stuff so much faster and there's less red tape, you know? You're not doing any notes.

You're just seeing an idea, doing an idea, and trying it and put it out. Yeah. And because it's like truly a company of creators, there's just a lot of trust between like the execs and the creatives here to be like, yeah, that sounds great. Let's try it out. Pretty fucking cool. It's great. I know. It's really, really great.

So, yeah, my like day to day right now is I do a lot of like what I did with you, Jake. I produce a lot of the How Online Are You celebrity interview stuff and get to talk to people on their press tours. And then I'm also spearheading their scripted originals. And so what is that going to look like as a guy who, so I love the new world and I say this very genuinely. I love the old world and the new world. So I'm doing a TV show right now on NBC and it couldn't be more of an art form that I love. And the studios I love and like the executives are there. But I don't have the feeling I had like during New Girl and other ones where I'm like, the suits are here.

I'm more like, we're all in this fucking party. together. I'm so glad you're visiting. I'm glad we're at shooting at Universal because I'm like, the new world is also here and doing really great, exciting stuff. Yeah. So what is it about this new world that is really working for you? What ideas have you kind of done? Like how online are you? What are other projects you've kind of pitched? And when you're doing the scripted, what are you copying from the old world and what are you not copying? I think like what we're copying is that's the scripted stuff. That's always the end goal, like what you're doing. right now with the TV show.

Like that is the ultimate goal. I think so, too. I love it still. It's the best. No, it's the best. With great writing and a great, like, also a great crew. Because the one thing I'll say about the new world

that I do think needs a little bit more of the old world and it is financial, getting some old heads in your crew, unionizing some of that because a lot of the new stuff, it'll be really funny people, it'll be a great idea, and it'll look shitty.

I know. There's something about good lighting. There's something about a DP. There's something about like, it matters. Yeah. Well, that's like, so with the scripted series that we just launched in August called Sisters, we got the best crew in the world.

Great. It's like the first time they're doing something like that here. You know, so we were like, look, we're going to write it the way we want. And basically what it is is like 10 minute episodes. You know, it's what we used to call like a web series. Totally right. But now it's really just a proof of concept for something much bigger that would be on like a hoolool.

or Netflix or whatever. 100%. But we just had the best crew. We got, our DP was Charlie Harrison and she does all the Please Don't Destroy Boys stuff. And she was just like a beast on set. And it matters. You had to get like the final cut.

And everyone's like, oh my God, this looks like TV. And we're like, yeah. Because that's what everyone who worked on it does when they weren't on our set. That's exactly right. Well, thank you so much for joining us. You killed it. We were happy to have you.

And we encouraged. I'm truly such a fan. I was like, oh, they just had Fred Armisen on. Like, why would they have me on now? That you killed it. Truly. I'm honored to be here. Like we said on one of the calls, there's no way we would have actually solved it without your help.

So truly, thank you, Maddie. Everyone should go check out bitches. And without further ado, enjoy the ads. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Quince. You know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing. on repeat, Lord knows I do. Watch the video of this podcast. You'll see me in the same clothes all the time.

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we've introduced Maddie Mahoney from Betches here joining us. Awesome. Oh, that was a baby. I thought that was your reaction to Beggis. I was like, that's the weirdest thing I've ever heard. We've done nearly 400 episodes. So what's your name?

I truthfully thought she went like this. I was like, I get it. We're excited too. Hold on that. It sounds like she's calling from a sound effects area. What's your name? Steph. Steph.

Okay. And the dogs, Steph. Steph, do you want to honk the horn? Have you on real quick? What are you? The guy from Police Academy? You want to step on? Oh, everything is falling apart.

The baby woke up. Somebody's walking in front of my home. It's chaos. Where are you calling from, Steph, besides a phone? New York. Okay, New York. Okay. Maddie Mahoney, you're in New York, too?

I'm in New York City right now, Steph. Oh, awesome. I'm on Long Island currently, but formerly from NYC. Gorge. All right, Steph. you got some shooters here. We're going to help. Maddie's a day one listener.

We got a crying baby in the background. We're all going to just deal with us. Everybody gets what this life is all about. Steph, take it away, push through, mom, see what you can do. Well, we all know it's a hard time of year. It's back to school. The summer's ending. The days are shorter.

And then on top of this all, I get the invite that I fear every year. A close family member insists on hosting a Friendsgiving. And my husband and I first off truly feel like, hi, we're your family,

we're obligated to spend Thanksgiving with you. I don't need to go to your Friendsgiving. Also, she makes it very difficult She lives nowhere near us. She's in Connecticut.

It takes like basically a day to get there, a day to come home. Nobody wants to do this trip. I don't know any of her friends. But she insists on inviting us every year. And one year I was able to get out of it. I was like, oh, hey, sorry, work schedules. Doesn't work out. I work in the hospital.

So she caught on to what I was doing. And so every year that Evite has become earlier and earlier, And this year we received it August 22nd so that I would have plenty of time to avoid having a work conflict. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay. Just so I know, when it, when is a Friendsgiving? I've never been invited once.

Okay. So Friendsgiving is November 7th. Okay. So November 7th, we do a fucking second thing. Jake and I are old crumudgeons. Maddie, would you want to go to something like this? Maybe one, but like these really add up. Yeah.

When you're in a big friend group, there's going to be like seven or eight. And you know what? Thanksgiving, I'm like the one person. It's not really my favorite cuisine. I don't want to eat it 10 times in one month. Oh, so at a Friendsgiving, you're also doing Thanksgiving traditions? Yes. You're doing, so November 7th, you're doing turkey and stuffing?

Yes. No. It's like potluck, right? Like, you're going to have to bring a dish, right, Steph? Really? Yeah. Well, okay. And you're not your friends?

I wouldn't go with my friends. I'm not kidding. If you, Gareth, if you're like, hey, Eric, Steve, we're going to literally do that. I'd go like this. Then have fun. I, I'm not doing a fake Thanksgiving when you fools. Well, that's what I mean to take her. I don't understand.

And she makes such a big deal about it. And every time you talk to her, I mean, are you coming to Friendsgiving? And I want just a creative way to let her down gently and to, like, ultimately be on a please don't invite me list. Okay. So let me jump in here, Steph. And Maddie, I'm going to throw to you in a second. And the reason I want to throw to you on this one is my take. take away it in a male world.

And we know that your audience is more female-centric, so you can speak to them more directly. But if Gareth, and this is not a joke, if Gareth goes, hey, man, I'm doing a Friendsgiving November 7th, do you want to come? I know you're busy with your new show. I'm inviting you in August. I would say, no.

And he would laugh and go, come on, dude, it'll be fun. I'll go. I don't want to go. If you need me to go because you're having some. personal thing. I will, but it's a charity come. I don't want to go to you. I don't know your friends and I don't want to be there. He would also bail a little before it, but he does the thing where he's like, I'll come because you need me and then be like, hey, I'm in the weeds. It'd be a full bail. It's a smokescreen. It's an option.

You're right, by the way. Which is an option. If you need me to be there, I'll be there. An option is a yes, I'll be there. Oh my God, I can't. Something happened. I'm so embarrassed. But Maddie. What's a way to do this to get out of a friend's giving without going, no. Right. I mean, you can't. You can't. I don't think.

I would never. But I have a question, Steph, do you want to still be friends with this woman? Well, she's immediate family. Oh, right, right. Yeah, so you don't have a choice. She's going to go to regular Thanksgiving with this person. In two weeks. So she has to bail.

Absolutely. And have that excuse hold up at regular Thanksgiving. in a few weeks. How dare this person I agree. Insist on two thanksgivings within a month that you attend.

It's like do the one where you're doing a side thanks. Leave me, you're lucky if I show up for Thanksgiving. I mean, this really is lofty. Here, here. I feel like a lot of people do Friendsgiving because they're like,

let's do a Thanksgiving the way we actually want to do it and it gets more rowdy. There's like games. It's the people you actually want to spend the holiday with. And then the actual Thanksgiving is like the obligated thing.

Or you can travel home. And to make it worse on actual Thanksgiving, I basically have to have like a turkey breakfast because they travel from Connecticut to come to Long Island. And I also, I don't love having turkey at 12 o'clock on the afternoon. Why does my holiday have to start that early? But these are two problems. We are not addressing that.

I'm sorry. I don't need to add, but I have a lot of problems. We're sold. I think for the girl to girl thing, like my instinct, this is not like a fun pitch. Please. My instinct is to get her on the phone and have a conversation about this. I think if you want the invitation to end, you need to have like an honest conversation to be like, it's too much for us.

Maddie, let's do this. Let's do this. Maddie, you're playing Steph. Steph, I want you to be her, but do it real. Okay. So really try to react the way she would. Okay. Uh-huh.

All right. And what are we calling her? Um, let's call her Amanda. Amanda. Perfect. Uh, so whenever you're ready, Maddie, call Amanda. Okay. Hey Amanda.

Oh, hey. How are you? Oh, I'm good. Um, have you thought about Friendsgiving? I mean, it's, it's coming up so soon, even though it's only the beginning of September, you really have to think about it. I know. That's, I'm glad you brought it up.

That's why I wanted to talk. call you. I need to be honest, the season, Thanksgiving, the holidays, it's getting to be a lot for our family. And I know it's a really important holiday to you. It's just really hard for us to make it every year. And so I don't think we're going to make it this year. And I just wanted to let you know in advance. It's just a very busy season for us. And I know how much a thing is I wanted to get on the phone. And you don't want to come and spend some time with me and people who I hate near and dear to my heart. That mean very much to me. I know. That's why I wanted to get on the phone because, like, I know how much it means to you. And obviously, we are family. And I'm so excited we're

going to see each other at Thanksgiving with the fam. I just don't think we can swing it as a family to come to the Friendsgiving anymore. I really think this is unacceptable. I made my way to come to your daughter's first birthday party. I really think it's unacceptable. And I gave you plenty of time. And you don't even have to get back to me till October. But I do ask you every time we talk. Because it's just so important to me.

Damn. That's a perfect damn. Because I wasn't going to interrupt because I was like, maybe you have another weapon. I wouldn't know what to say that. I thought it doesn't work. Yeah. No.

No. So, okay. I'm glad we did that. This is, Steph, you really... It did, because I was thinking the same thing, just say it, but I didn't realize Amanda's impossible. Steph, you really... Yeah, no, Amanda's impossible.

Okay. It's going to be like that. Okay, just to butcher, because I think that Maddie is right, I think that what I love is, let's just rip the fucking Band-Aid off for all of this. I think Jake Shaky's head, no. What I would amp up, this would be my tweak on it, would be a little more timing and natural ambiance.

I would, this is what I would say, this is crazy. I'd be like, hold on, Gareth, you call Amanda. Well, there's, mine's a two-parter. Well, let's see. I've said yes, I'm coming, and now it's October 30th. Okay, so Amanda, it's the day before Halloween. You're getting a call from Steph. Hey, Amanda.

Hi. Hey, how are you? Um, okay. I'm getting excited about Thanksgiving. I'm sure you are. That is actually why I'm calling. By the way, the baby's crying in the background. There's a lot of sound around me. Yeah, I got to be honest with you. I said yes because I know how much it means to you and I really wanted to come. But as you can hear my, I mean, with the baby and everything, I just, what I would love is to really enjoy Thanksgiving and have some time just you and me where we can hang out. But as you can hear my child jumps all the time. and it's just kind of crazy over here. So I don't think I'm going to be able to make it. I am like really sorry because I know how much it means to you.

I don't even know if I'm going to be able to do it with the timing of my work and just, you know, my home life right now. If I could come in the future, I will totally let you know. But I wanted to swing it. I just don't think I can. I'm so sorry. I mean, you're really putting me out. I've already ordered the catering.

I've already paid. So you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you a bill. I'm just going to go ahead and charge you $500. You're going to send me a bill. You know what? I am actually going to show up to this event. I'm going to show up to this event.

Wait, hold on. Steph, is that really what she would do? Yes, potentially 100%. Because I was going to say one year, I was told I didn't have to bring anything, but if we weren't going to bring anything, she suggested donating to her, so, you know, because she prepared everything. What a night. Whenever I have parties and I cater or have food, like I don't ask my guests, please donate.

Okay, so I've got an idea. I've got a pitch. The first one is, is you make sure it. It's an extra dish. So something that nobody needs. Like, I'm bringing deviled eggs for appetizers, right? So it's not a staple. It's an extra.

But you make it very clear, you're bringing a homemade appetizer, like something that, whatever, okay? So you're not pitching in and tell her early. Don't worry about me. I don't even like the food. So don't buy anything extra for me. I'm just coming to hang. And shit. Okay.

So first call really quickly, you and me, you go. Hey, we're going to do this in two quick parts. First part is, hey, Han, it's Steph. What's up, Amanda? Oh, hey, what's up? I'm good. So for Friendsgiving, really excited. I'm going to be coming, but I'm not going to be eating a lot.

You know me. I don't like Thanksgiving food. And so I'm going to bring some deviled eggs for it. But don't worry about any extra food for me. I'm going to be fine, okay? But I'm going to be there. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm excited to meet everybody, okay?

Okay. Okay, I was excited. Thank you. All right, girl. I'll talk to you soon. Bye. Okay. So now, day of.

Whoa. You psycho. Okay, you're getting a call. It's eight in the morning. Bring, bring. Hello. Hey. Jeff, are you okay?

No, I got fucking diarrhea. Like, I don't know what the fuck I ate. Like, it's a fucking fire hose. Out my butt, out my mouth. Okay, well. I'm sure. I don't know if I have a fucking virus. This is the operator.

We get it. I'm sweating. My fucking kid, you have no idea. Have you heard of Emodian AD? Listen, listen. Hey, Brian, my kid, Amanda, Amanda, my fucking, my kid was up all night. Fucking threw up in my fucking face. Okay?

I got one hour of fucking sleep. I thought I was fine. I fucking sat down. It was like a rocket out of my asshole. I lifted off the ground, okay? So let me figure this out. I don't know if I'm going to the fucking. emergency. Oh, I can't believe I'm going to the fucking emergency.

Hold on. What? Hold on. What? Okay, honey, I already told you then. They gave him a cracker. I got to go. My fucking house is a zoo. I'm sorry. I'm not going to be able to make it. Hold on. I told you give her ginger ale. I got to go. Okay. I love you. I'm so sad to be missing it. I promise you. I'd rather be there than what I'm fucking doing.

Okay. Clean up to be. And hang up. Okay. All right. I like it. It doesn't necessarily get me out of next year. We'll do it again next year. Maddie your thoughts. Jump into that. You had something. Well, I had another pitch, which is, I think in order to not get invited,

you have to make yourself like a horrible guest to invite. Oh. Go on. That's pretty good. It's a half idea. I don't have any... But we can go this year and blow it. That's what I'm wondering.

Or it's like you have a writer. I mean, if you are basically like, I'm now gluten-free, I don't do dairy. I can't be around this. I, you know, shit like that. Like, if you are acting like you're the fucking star of this event. Or you go there and you talk politics. Is there a way to get another dog in the room with you? I was going to say, my other dog is outside.

Should I grab them? What if Steph you're like, I have to bring the dogs or something? Like something that's disruptive to be a guest at someone's home. He's a animal lover. Oh, of course she is. She doesn't seem like one. Wait, why? She's not a human lover.

Wait, you guys are so different on that. Maddie said, of course she is. And Gareth thought, no, Maddie, why is Amanda, of course, an animal lover? Amanda can't do anything right as far as I'm concerned. You hate animals, Maddie? No, I love animals, but in this scenario, we need her to not like it. Okay, understood, understood. But what do you think, Steph, about being a bad guest?

And you swore, this is the year, you swallow the poison. So I sacrifice and go this year. And you start arguing. humans, you get loud. Start drama with the other guests. Start drama. Every time anybody talks, you go, I disagree. There's a lot of options here.

Or you spend Friendsgiving. This is an idea. And you retell the movie Dick Tracy in detail. And when people try to get off, you go like this. You go like this. I just saw it. So then Mumbles says, shut up.

Shut up. I'm telling you about the best part. And everyone goes like, who cares? And whatever anybody talks to you about, so what you're looking to do is have them say to Amanda after, hey, I'll come next year, but you can't invite your sister-in-law or whatever she is. Or she sucks.

What you could do if you're not to keep paying the Dick Tracy drum. Because Lord knows we have. But you could say you could get really excited about making it Dick Tracy themed. and come at her with that pitch and be all in on it on the call, she'll be resistant and you can get kind of pissy. And maybe you, if you want, that might be a way for you to just be. Oh my God, I have a crazy pitch. Go.

Let's hear it. This will work, but it's not easy. Remember, she's got Thanksgiving coming up. It doesn't matter. You go and you go and get like coyote piss, which you can Maddie that face was unnecessary

you're on our team right now I know I know I'm loving it Coyote Piss keep going Keep going She goes like this Bear piss Bear piss Use promo code Maddie for sure

Promal code I'm 100% with you Jake Yeah yeah that's good That's good 100% we all love it is If I throw If I have a thing which I don't do.

I'm not a host. But let's say I had a thing and I invited people over and somebody came and smelled terrible. And it was enough where other guests is a food thing. If they're like,

yo, your buddy Gareth, just the first name that came to my mind, is cool, but he's got a funky smell, man. I'm going to go on the next one.

I don't know how I invite this, son of a bitch. I love him. Other people couldn't Eat around him. So you go this year and smell really bad. That's a ruiner for a holiday based around eating. If it's like, I swear to God, I think you might have stepped in dog shit.

Rub it in the back of your clothes. Hair. Hair. Maddie, your thoughts. Well, how do you get that, Jake? Jake has it. I don't really. I got that shit in jars, dude.

No worry. Jake can get you a bunch. Coyote piss. You don't see that doing that move? I don't. I mean, I would probably pull the explosive diarrhea stunt before that. What about this? I have an idea. What if you put one of your child's dirty diapers in your purse?

Okay. And you don't take your purse off all night. So it smells like baby dirty diaper. And somebody's like, I don't know. Like she smells like she's got that like new parent smell. Okay. That's doable. Right?

Because if you go in there and you have in one of your pockets a dirty diaper, in your purse a dirty diaper, and then at one point when you're talking, put a little bit of like chocolate on your finger. So everyone's like, this is disgusting to be around this one. Don't eat the gravy. I fucked up. I've made a horrible mistake. You've all been eating baby poop. But, Steph, what do you think?

Yeah, I mean, I'm just, you're asking a lot, asking me to actually go to this Friendsgiving, but. Well, no, you be, the reason we, hold on, no, I don't stand for that. Jake's not going to take that. Because you've made it clear. I think what Maddie did right away in the first call was great. I thought, Gary was great. I thought what I did was a little bit crazy, but it would have worked.

You're telling us. she's impossible to get around. She is. Then we're not asking a lot. We're just trying to solve a problem with an impossible person. I think after going through both routes, this would be my final pitch to you,

would be, fuck this person, first of all. Like, this person is insane. So, you know, the idea that you're going to have to overcompensate in order to get this terrorist to start listening to you, I would pitch, you do it with a fucking phone call, and you just say, look, there's someone, my work has been crazy, there's not much I can do,

it's hard enough for me to kind of mentally prep for a Thanksgiving, which is a great time to see you, I enjoy that. I just can't do a friend's giving. It's just my, I mean, listen to my household. I have five dogs, potentially two babies. Life's fucking nuts. I can't handle it. And if she goes, I'm going to send you a bill, go, I'm going to send you a bill.

I'm going to keep sending you a bill. Amanda, what are you talking about? Send the bill back. Maddie, in closing, what would you do? What would be your final piece of advice? And then we're going to get to you, Steph. I really like Gareth's final pitch there. I think that's the most reasonable.

And also, like, the key is to do it once and then stop engaging. Because she sounds like an engager. She's going to keep the convo going. And I think you just have to be really firm. and what's really in your control stuff is to be like, I don't care if she likes me or not. She's setting up all... This is like a test for her to see your loyalty,

and it's too much pressure, and fuck that. I mean, literally, you have nine children. My final thing is I would do diarrhea a day of. Yeah. But... And if you are going to go, I would do baby diaper in the purse. But this isn't about what any of us would do.

You've been given some options. Steph, what are you going to do? By the way, your life is chaos. I mean, it's crazy. A kid's never had more fun on our show. He hasn't ever had this fun, ever. Doing laughter after a roller coaster. Yay!

All right, Steph, take us out of here. What are you going to do? Honestly, I'm probably going to do explosive diarrhea and ER day of. And if I get a bill, I will just send a bill right back for abuse of my time. I think that's it. Send her the hospital bill. If she sends you, well, we don't have a real hospital bill, but we don't have to be a fake. doctor one up.

I could say, I got coyote piss. I got fake doctor it up, by the way. That's perfect. It was perfect. So how about this? Do diarrhea. While you make the call, see if you could record your side of the call. We do not need hers.

Okay. Just hearing you go, I can't make it because I have explosive diarrhea. Then if she sends you a bill, no matter what, follow up with us. Because then we will have a really good pitch of how to follow up with Bill. I hope she's got to be sent you a bill. Same. We'll bill her back. Guys, it happened in the past.

Okay, well, you didn't call us in the past. Now you got us. I know. I should have called sooner. But this is going to be fine. Diarrhea is going to work day of. Next year, you have diarrhea again. Exactly.

You have to run the same playbook every single year. Every year. And then she goes, the fuck is going on with your eating. You go, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know. Okay. She sends you a bill. That's the way to go.

It is. And then we'll come up with a pitch for what to do with the bill. Then you're going to do that every bill you get. Okay. You know, it could also be as simple as she sends you a bill. You send her a bill for the processing fees. And it's the same as eggs more plus $15. And then as soon as I get yours, I'll send you your money.

If she sends you that, then send her, if it's $500, she sends you $5.15, send her $500. This is what we're going to call a game of. diarrhea chess and we're excited to be on your team. Or diarrhea chicken. Or diarrhea chicken. I've had that before. Big eye roll from Maddie. Oh yeah, big one. Big.

She's like, I've never had diarrhea from chicken. I have had it from fish. Never. Never. Nobody gets it from chicken unless you have a disgusting dumpling. Actually, I take back my eye roll. We've all had it from chicken. Let's get out of this call.

Steph, thank you so much. Follow up with us. Thanks, Steph. Thank you. Bye, Jeff. Love you guys. Bye. Thank you.

Hello. Hello. Hi. How are you? I'm great. How are you? Would the pitch Diary of solve your problem? You know, it doesn't super apply to my problem, but I could maybe apply it to other things

if I need to. All right. Well, thanks so much for calling. Thanks so much. Take care. What is your name, please? My name's Jess. Jess, where are you calling from?

Elizabeth, Colorado. Okay, great. All right, listen, you've got Jake. You've got myself. You also have the great Maddie Mahoney from Bitches here to help us. Solve your problem. YouTube, Instagram.

She's recording. Things are good. Things are happening. What a nice. Thanks, Gareth. Yeah, you're welcome. He did pretty good. He stumbled in the middle a little bit.

It was a great start and a great finish. Exactly. Wait, really quickly, Maddie, you've seen, I'm sorry, Maddie's our guest, we're going to get to you calling a quick second that you can't see Gary. No problem. But, Maddie, you've seen the changes from the perm to the oily face. Am I out of line, or does he look really handsome right now? I think you look great, Gareth.

But I will say, I'm a listener. I'm not a watcher. Oh, never mind. then. Okay. Well, it's tough for, because I think whatever's happening right now, I'm like, Berman oily face. Jake's summation. I think you look glowing. I think you look gorge.

It's perfect. But this is a all that hard work has worked out. Sometimes he puts so many creams on that the reflection of the lights around are intense. Sure. It's serums. It's not creams, but tomato. Tomato.

Perm curling cream. Back to the caller. I will not let you tomato tomato. perm curling cream. There's a chasm. All right, Jess, go ahead. That's not disagree. Perm curling cream. Let's do it.

It's that tomato tomato. Go ahead, Jess. Okay, great. So I like to have cereals for like a dessert or a snack sometimes. Who doesn't? And I'm one of those people. Thank you. I'm one of those people I do not like when it gets soggy.

I can't handle it. I'm not like a soggy cereal kind of girl. So I just pour like a little bit of cereal of time into the bowl. And then I like eat it before it gets soggy. You like the crunch. I love the crunch, yeah. So the problem is that the sound of the crunchy cereal makes my husband insane. Like to the point where I'll like sit on the couch at the end of the day,

like we're watching TV and I'll decide to have some cereal. And he'll lay on the couch next to me, but he'll like plug his ear that's closest to me in like a really weird way because he can't handle the sound of like the crunchy cereal. He's sending a message. And he's a great guy. Let me just really, like, he's a great guy. He's a great guy. He says it's not about how I chew.

It's not like I'm chewing really loud or being obnoxious. It's just that like cereal is crunchy and the crunchy food makes the crunchy noise and he doesn't like the crunchy noise. And he keeps saying it's a him problem and not a me problem. But now I'm like super weird about eating cereal around him and I've stopped doing it. So my question is, how can I get my husband to like the sound of me eating cereal or at least make it so he doesn't want to crawl out of his skin? so I don't have to spend the rest of my life living in a crunch-free zone.

Maddie, you're nodding your head jumping. I'm nodding, yeah. Well, I think this is called misophonia, right? People don't like the sound of people eating. So it's a real thing. So we'll start there. And I'm like very empathetic to that because I hate the sound of like dogs licking their paws.

Like it makes me like want to crawl out of my skin and like run out of the room. So I understand that it's like really unpleasant. So I can't just sit there and like enjoy my fear. knowing that it's making him want to like die inside. Totally. And I was nodding a lot, Jess, because I was literally eating a snack of cereal the other day and thinking exactly about that.

Because I had to like step away from the bowl for a second. I was like, oh, is it going to get soggy? Like, is it worth it? I'll just jow it down real quick right now. So I'm totally with you on this. Really, I feel very aligned with you. Thank you. My initial thought, this is tough because you're watching TV.

I know it. My initial thought is get him a nice pair of sound cancelling headphones. Yeah, but that's just getting crazy. Every time she's eating cereal, then every time the dog licks her paws, she has headphones. They're just going to turn into a headphone house. You don't have dogs, though, do you? Yeah, we do have dogs. And, like, he's on the same thing.

He also hates the sound of dogs licking, so we're very united on that. And any time they lick, we're like, you've got to cut that shit out right now. The dog's like, I have a sense of emotions. I can tell my pack. hates me. I'm literally not sure what I'm doing. My parents hate me from being cleanly. They're like this. Oh, I'm going to drink something. Everybody hates me. I'm going to do one of three moves I have on planet Earth and I'm hated for it.

It's like, I hate a dog when it's tailwags. It's like, oh, shit. If you're waiting for a dog to finish the lick, you're like, you notice it more and you're like, boy, they really go for a while, huh? They could go forever. That's the thing. Like, if it's a couple, it's fine. But, like, you can't lay next to me on the couch and like, no. Lick yourself for, like, 10 minutes and me be okay. with it. And that's a universal rule for everyone. I'll tell you what, if I could, it wouldn't be 10 minutes. If I could, oh yeah, everyone around me would be like, stop and I'd be like, I'm living in heaven.

Mine would be two licks and I'd be asleep. I don't even know what's happened. The perverted licking dog who. Holy cow. I would just get near the ability to lick myself and I'd be a asleep at this point. Jake's asleep again. This dog's weird. The problem would be...

The problem would be that I'll go, it smells like cigarettes in here, and I'd go, after that lick, I'm back to smoking. What are we talking about? So this is a hard call. And I'm going to tell you why. You don't like mushy cereal,

which I know, Maddie, you related on that, but I think that's crazy. It's... Okay. It's like, you know, so you got to keep it crunchy. So I'm like, okay, because an easy one.

is just wait the minute and a half. Because you get corn flakes in there at the bottom half, you're eating oatmeal. She's grossed out by that. Jess went so bad. It is the crunch that you like, and it is the crunch that he doesn't like. And you're saying, how do I get him to like the sound of the crunch? Well, how do we get him to... Can't we like Pavlov him or something, you know?

That's interesting. Interesting. It is... Well, does he snack? Interesting, Maddie. I like that a lot. All right. Keep going a little bit. Just a stream of conscious thoughts that you're having.

Me or Jess? You, Maddie. I think you need to give him a reward every time you eat a bowl of cereal. Probably before and after, actually. Lick his paws. First one, just like a little treat. One after. So you got two dogs.

Big treat. All two dogs. But what, Maddie, walk us through what these treats are and how she does it. There's a bowl of cereal. They're watching TV. I think the first one is like snack, like gummy bears or something. So like she takes a bite and goes like, hey, I know you like these. And he goes like, also.

I think getting him chewing is good, yes. Yeah. Okay. And nothing crunchy. You know, gummy worms, something like that. Okay. He can eat crunchy things. Like, that's where I know we have a problem now because now when he eats crunchy things,

he goes and sits in another room. And he says it's just like circumstantial that he's doing that. but it's like he doesn't want to crunch. I don't care about the crunch. But now he's weird and he won't eat crunchy food next to me. But hold on. But hold on. But hold on.

We're close to it. Because if the first treat you give him has a little crunch to it, it's blocking out your crunch. Do you not, you want him to have no crunch on that sweet, Maddie? Because I'm thinking, or you want him to love the crunch. No, I think that's good, actually, Jake. Like, what about something not too crunchy? Like, okay, you know, those nerds gummy clusters? Yes.

A little bit of little soft, a little hard. That's exactly So that he goes Oh thanks He can't go anywhere Because you're sitting close to him And he just has to go like He does like the eating in class

When you were a kid Where you're like I don't want everyone to hear this But I'm not gonna see you have to go up Or that you know the thing where you do The one bite and then you're like I'll just let the checks mix melt in my mouth Exactly

The I mean it's the movie theater eat If you have like a something crunchy And it's a quiet seen, but you've already put a bunch in your mouth, so you just go like, so much just, waiting for an action moment. It's good, too, because that's distracting him. Now he's fully thinking about that.

Yes. He might not even, then you quickly get a couple bites of the cereal. He might not even notice it. So that's the first sweet. And I love that move, man. Then what do we do? What's the bigger treat and what's the big final treat? Three treats?

Or just two treats? What were you thinking? I don't, I mean, I'm sort of like, if the movie's over, it's the evening. Interesting. Have a little nice time. Get yourself full of cereal and bang up. But you literally go, but it can't be that far away from it. Okay.

My only reason is it can be, but that's a different thing. Are you eating? Because we're trying to say this crunch leads to nerds in your mouth and a nerd in your mouth. Are you eating cereal every night? Jess? No, not every night. Ideally, maybe like two nights a week. Does he have a vice?

So the problem with like he's wildly healthy like he's a super healthy guy. So like I can't, he's not going to eat like candy. He's not going to eat like gummy. No, he's like very healthy. Like his yeah, he won't get his biggest

spice is like peanut butter and maple syrup. Those are like the two things he loves the most. Which unfortunately Because that's when I first thought I was like I'll just get him to eat something. Oh, I know what you could do. Why don't you make him freeze peanut butter balls with little almonds in it?

It's literally a dog treat. Yes, you give this dog a treat. But we call it give this dog a treat. Yes. And then you go, I'm just having fun. You do the thing that you go like, I've just been having fun like making stuff. I'm getting a little bit healthier.

So while you do it, you go, here try these. He goes, what is it? And you go, it's literally peanut butter. maple syrup and some chopped up almonds. And he'll go, I like all that stuff. And they're very small, they're very bite size. They're the size of those little nerd clusters. I also don't know if you need to even cover your tracks.

I mean, we know what's going on. Like you just tell them like, hey, I made a snack for when I'm having cereal for you. I'm going to try out some different snacks so you get a benefit while I'm eating my extra crispy cereal. But then going off to what Maddie was saying, the second, the bowl, your last bite before you even put the bowl in the kitchen,

get on top of them. Wow. So we are filling ourselves full snacks and then fucking. Yeah. They're in a relationship. Also, they're in a relationship, Garrett. I'm not saying that's wrong. It's just there's no kissing.

Why not? It's cereal and peanut butter. Definitely kissing. Yeah. Tastes delicious from both sides. Now I'm in the other room. Eating alone. Yeah, but Garrett,

You don't like to kiss anybody ever. You have a weird thing. I love to kiss. I'm always kissing. I'm out there kissing everybody, okay? Yeah, but only when you're running from office. Stop. Kissing babies, but not ladies.

I'll kiss ladies. All right. As long as they've said yes. There's been a very clear conversation. In writing, in writing only. A lawyer has notarized it. So here's what we're thinking, Jess, and you tell us if we're out of line. You make a peanut butter, maple syrup, almond snack. You, I'm not with Gareth. I don't think

you mention it. I think we need to trick the brain. I think so too. You do? Okay. So you go, you sit down. He goes, oh, you're having cereal? You go, made you something. Little, little, put him in a little Dixie cup. He goes, what are these? You go, try him. If he goes, I don't want him, you go, I'm asking you to eat him. I made him for you. If he doesn't eat, You're being weird, man. Then get out of here. He'll eat it. Then eating, talking, blah, blah, blah.

While you're eating, maybe put your hand on his leg. How am I supposed to do that while I'm folding a bowl of cereal and eating cereal? Okay. Put the ball on his penis. Enough. Quit push it back. Just like he has a table. Exactly.

Pour the golf legs on his head for fuck's sake. Eat the cereal out of his belly. bottom. We got to get up the goal. We got an ad for Zock Doc, honey. We got to do a Zock doc doc. I have an old pitch. Put the old milk in his butt cheeks. I don't care. Zock dock is everywhere.

Zuckdak. Put in your zip code. You got an appointment. Enough. I got an old pitch. No, wait. Jake's pitch was good. I agree. Jess, put your legs on his lap. Figure out a way to flirt with him that's physical that doesn't need your hands. Stop pushing back. Thank you, Natalie.

Thank you, Natalie. Okay. God, I wish you were in my life all the time. She's really clear. She's, you know, it's like when you do curling, when you dress, she's the person with the little broom clearing the way for you. Let you get through. So the legs, whatever you got to do, you know how to flirt.

Natalie's right. Put your legs on them. As soon as that bowl is done, it's on. It's on. He realizes her eating cereal leads to sweet treats and a sweet treat. Pavlov's dog? Got it. Natalie, your thoughts?

I think it's great. I think he can, if he likes this, he can only have it while you're having your cereal. That's the only time this comes out and it's really going to pop off him. And then, you know, call us back in like a month and see if that worked. I think that's right. Matt, Maddie, your thoughts? I love Natalie's add-on. No sweet treats, either kind, outside of this.

Either kind. He's going to be making you cereal. Honey, I'm just a cereal. Honey, it's extra crunchy. I baked it, I warmed it up. It's just a month experiment. He's going to be walking around with a full erection and a thing of corn flakes.

He's going to be in therapy, being like, I can only get hard around frosted flakes. There's something about a woman crunching. I got a cinnamon toast boner again. Gareth, any final thoughts from you? I'm excited to see the, listen, marrying these together, it's dangerous. I don't know if his science has fully explored the ups and downs, but I do think that if you are able to attach crunchy cereal to sex,

the dynamic's going to change. He's not going to be plug in the ear. Jess, what are you going to do? Yeah. I'm going to find a good recipe for something that can come out of the freezer that will be kind of crunchy and I'm only going to give it to them when I eat my cereal. And then he'll be eating something while I'm eating my cereal so I won't be eating it like super weird. Agreed. And then as soon as I'm done with the cereal, then I will positive really reinforce.

his willingness to sit there while I ate my cereal in a variety of ways. Might I suggest when you take the bowl into the kitchen to put it in the sink, you return in less clothing? Got it. No. Okay. No.

You don't go, you don't put the bowl. The bowls, it's all there. I don't, right away. The reinforcement, yeah, it's got to be close to the. It's not like you leave it. And then he goes, the thing that I like is when she puts dishes away. He's going to hear that noise and be like, oh, it's fine. No, no, no, no.

The noise is the crunch, right, Gareth? Don't, don't write Gareth me. I'm not going to allow that. I mean, I could even just put, like, one bite of cereal, like, crunchy cereal in my mouth, and then I could jump on top of them. Exactly. We're pushing the bounds of biology. I'm looking for him going, oh, it's on now? interesting and then go,

yeah, I guess I'm okay with a little bit of rice Krispies in the mouth. Don't ever let him go to a Mexican restaurant again. All the crunching, you'll be like, cool. I'll walk by anybody eating chips and be like, I think I want to sleep with that entire family. So I kiss Brad. So I kiss this. All right, follow up with us.

Yeah, let us know, Jess. All right, you got it. Thank you. You got it. Thank you. Bye, Jess. Bye. Bye.

Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu. Yep. We are also having our back catalog is going to be on Hulu. That's right. We're going to be about 20 at a time. So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu. Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies? No.

And you can get season one. season two, we're going to have a nice Melange on Hulu, but the day early. I mean, there's a lot of advantages. Here's another thing. Here's another thing. People going, well, I don't have Hulu. You got YouTube? Because we're there, too.

Yeah. Hulu, a day early. YouTube for stragglers. And also, you go, I don't have that. Well, we got Patreon. Yeah. And they go, I don't have that. What do you want? Yeah, okay, Jake.

We're trying to be inclusive. you're yelling at them, but I think you're right. It's just, look. Watch this show anywhere. There's a lot of options, okay? Hulu's early. Hulu's early. Audio day of, YouTube day of, Patreon, no ads.

Here's the way to remember it. Hulu, new, so Nulu. It's not the way to remember. They also have back catalog stuff. Okay, then that we call... Yeah, all right, it's falling apart. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thursey, Editing Mix and Master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, who stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com.

Remember all of the advice, given on we're here to help, is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.