We're Here to Help - 329: RIP Back Pain & Ah-WOO-Gah (with Jane Levy)

Episode Date: September 30, 2026

Guest Helper Jane Levy (Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist) helps Jake and Gareth hide a sex dungeon. Then, the life of Arnold Schwarzenegger, as told by a juicebox.See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-329 Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Back. We have got a banger today. Oh, boy. Everything. Talk about a summer and an autumn. I mean, these two calls.

So we're here with special guest, Jane Levy. You know Jane from whatever the goddamn you know are from. I'm really excited about River. Since when are you a horror fan? My daughter. Oh, right, right, right. I'm going to watch it for sure. I am too.

Cool. And Jane, how did you become a scream queen? Walk us through that arc. I basically auditioned for a movie. I got the part and then I was in it, and then it made a lot of money. And which one was that? It was the Evil Dead remake. in 2013 and then he's been.

That's what started you. Yeah. But you know what's funny about that is after my audition, I actually came back, knocked on the door, and said, can I apologize for how crazy I went in the audition? Because I had to act like a possessed person. And I went like, you know how loud I was at the table read yesterday? I was also embarrassed about how loud I yelled.

Now you were great. Yeah, it was perfect. But like I was like, oh, they want me to do this. I should go like a million percent. And that's what I did for my Evil Dead audition. And I was so ashamed. that I went and apologized. Wow.

Well, I think you know me a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't that story track? Yes. But you got it. I got it, yeah. It's awesome. Because I went so turbo, psycho, possessed in my audition.

And then what other, what movie are you in that you got nominated for the indie spirit of war? What's the name of that one? That one's called A Little Prayer. Thanks for watching. Not. I'm going to tell everybody about that movie. It's a movie that I made in North Carolina And thanks for burning me from 1995

And it's about It's written by the guy who wrote Junebug Okay He also directed it His name is Angus McLaughlin It's like a slice of life Small family Independent drama

And where can people watch it I think it's on most things You can stream it on Apple, Amazon iTunes Apple and iTunes are the same. I know it's on Amazon. I know it's on Apple. And then tell us about the show we're doing together

called Sunset P.I. written by the great Dan Gore and Luke Del Tredeci. You say it. Del Tretechi. Luke Del Tretecichie. Who are as good of showrunners as I've ever worked with. Yeah, we're having a really, really, really good time. It's so much fun.

I love those guys. Me too. The script. are so unthinkably good that if this show doesn't work with the audience, I've officially given up on my read of culture and taste. Totally. That 106 is excellent.

Everybody's funny. Yeah. Keith David, Langston, Langston, Kerman. Mary Shalaby. Everybody, killers. But Jane, tell us a little bit about what Sunset P.I. People aren't going to be able to watch until February. This is way too early, but we're just having fun.

It's about... Nice. What you really need to know, if you're listening to this podcast, you already know, Jake is one of the funniest people ever. I met more of the promise. Well, I was like, what are we? We're private, what? We're private investigators.

Right. We're not cops. No. We're not cops. Private investigators. We were really cool outfits. Beth Morgan is our costume designer. I love what I get to wear.

Let's talk about my clothes in the show. Okay. Thank you. Gotta go. It's just pretty simple premise, but like incredibly funny and so fun. I agree. And stylish. So, Jane, thank you for doing our show.

You're a joy to be around. And everybody, enjoy some ads. And we are brought to you by Squarespace. You know what? I don't even. need ad copy when it comes to Squarespace because let me tell you, first of all, they're hanging in there with the promo code. They're still doing the Gill sent me, and we love them for it. But Squarespace is a place where you can go and design your own website. Could not be more user-friendly,

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How are you? Good. How are you? Good. Can we get your name, please? I want to go with Rebecca. Rebecca, where are you calling from today, lady? Colorado.

Rebecca really quickly. Gareth has a mustache. He's going through a handsome stage. You should check it out on YouTube. It's worth seeing. And you've got a special guest today. My co-star from Sunset P.I. You know her from Zoe's extraordinary playlist.

You know her from Suburgatory. And you know her from the new movie that I want to see that I read about again today, Jane. River. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jay. Levy. How you doing, Jane? I'm good. I'm excited to be here.

I'm a big fan of the pod. She's a Gene. I got to say you're acting really normal. Really good start. I'm excited to be here. When do I ever act normal?

That's true. That's true. Rebecca, what is your issue today? All right. So my husband and I have a house. house and we have four bedrooms.

So there's two kind of upstairs on the main floor. Then in the basement, we have one room as a guest room and then directly across from that room. We have what we call the dungeon, which is essentially a sex room. And so I think like airskin rug, velvet curtains. There's like a big metal LED sign with my stripper alter ego name on it. and like Rebecca

Rebecca Rebecca you're going a little bit fast now sorry sweaty this is awesome everybody just take a minute there's a lot should we all shower

come back in five what do you want to do yeah so for starters Rebecca what is your alter ego oh we have pictures so Jane will you walk us through what you see

okay there's like a black light yeah a purple light that says liquid assets and there's a Dripping. Assets is double S assets with money signs for the S's. Okay.

Great. Very. Whoa. Whoa. What the, there's a coffin. Hell yes. There's a coffin.

Keep going, Jane. What's in that coffin? In the coffin, there seems to be, I actually can't see it that well. Those syringes? Oh, my God. It's a little bit. What do we classify as BDSM-ish? Is.

Ish. What's the ish part? Yeah. It sort of looks like there's some van Helsing stuff, but then also some sex stuff. There's also like some sort of thing where you can get strapped to it and hung upside down maybe? Yeah. Either. Well, there's also a chair that's good for back support.

Yep. You got your lumbar stuff and your bank clean. So that's cool. All right, Rebecca. So your stripper name is liquid assets. Yes. I work in finance. Wow. This is cool. This is really cool.

And you've got a nice looking couch. There's kind of a good vibe. You know what? But it's a good, it's a good looking sex couch. Also, I'm going to mention there's no windows. No windows. No windows. No. Not nor. There's a window. Sorry, it's not in the photo, but there's like some velvet curtains over the window. Oh, yeah, you did say curtain. But it's a basement. Yes.

It's a small room where you and your husband go to have maybe a little more. There might be other people, Gareth. Huh? There might be others. There might be others too. Now, can I ask you, what is the, the sort of, the thing that Jake said that looks like it's for your back? What is that exactly? The, which thing?

Like the black thing? Yes. No, we know what the coffin is. Next to it, there's like a, what looks like a, it looks like a, it looks like the outline of a shoe, but I know that's what you lay on. It's up against the wall. You'd like, I would think you lay on it to stretch your back, sort of to go upside down to take the pressure off the spine. I think she lays on a distressed her back. I don't think so either.

Something else gets stressed. Yeah, no, that's actually what that is for. Oh, I lost it. You guys are perverts. Because sometimes you throw your back out doing this stuff. Well, it's a sex room. It's a sex room for older people. My hip, I guess, touch my hips before we do that.

Okay, so Rebecca, we're getting a sense of this. Let me ask a question before we get into the nitty-gritty. You guys got kids living in that house with you? No. Okay, no kids. You guys pets? No pets. I can't understand what the problem would possibly be, Rebecca.

So what's going on then? Wait, hold on, Jane, what do you got? Wait, hold on one second, Rebecca. Let's ask it. Let's hear it. What do you got? How many years have you been married? We've been married for four years.

Okay. How old are you? 31. Okay. Where are you going with this question? And I'm just curious. Because they're having a lot of sex. Yeah.

Interesting. Yeah, totally. That's right. Yeah. Okay. Okay, so keep going. Everything about this is interesting, Rebecca. It seems like you're in finance, but you've got this side life with your husband that seems really fun for you guys. Golly, I can't see a problem here.

Guestroom dungeon. Things are good. Four bedroom house. Four bedroom house. We're sleeping on that. You have space. You both have jobs. You're fucking like crazy.

Also, you stretch your backs out. Your backs are really nicely. Not only be having all that sex, but also go like, my back feels great. Feels great. I'm kind of like... I got a steak put through my arm and my back has never been looser. Rebecca, let me ask you a question. My name is Jake.

Here's my problem. How do I get that sex dungeon in my house and my wife to agree to go in there with me? Oh, please. I want to call a show called Problem Solvers with Rebecca and fucking, what are you guys doing? I want to be called Liquid Assets. You also, Gareth knows as a fact, the money thing turns me on to. You imagine my name with ass in it with the money signs? Holy cow.

The Johnson all of a sudden is a dollar sign. Give me a break. I'm loving this. But Rebecca, what the hell is the problem? The problem is we, you know, we live in Colorado. Everyone wants to come visit us. We have guests a lot. And my sister's going to come and stay with us for two weeks next month.

And my parents stay in this guest room. Like there's just like a lot of people. to pass into the house. And so my question is, how do we conceal the sex room, you know, how do we either keep people from seeing it or if they do see it? How do we, what do we tell them so that they don't know what we're up to? Fucking A. Dynamite, dynamite problem.

Jane, your first thoughts. And my first thoughts are bad, like put a lock on the door. And if anyone ends up in there, have no shame. just on the fact that you guys have tons of sex and that you're really cool. Yeah. The lock on the door is a clean one, Rebecca. Why haven't you done that?

Because obviously you're calling in because you don't want to do that. But that's a very easy. Throw a little padlock and say it's for storage. Yeah, I think we would just get, we get a lot of questions. Like if we try to keep the, it's like, oh, well, what's in there?

Especially if people are visiting for the first time. They want a tour of the house, that kind of stuff. And, like, it's not like, I mean, the footprint of the house upstairs and downstairs are the same size. So it's like, we try to be like, oh, that's storage. And they're like, you have a higher bedroom full of storage. If my sister told me that she had a locked room for storage, I would be all up with that. Yeah. Are you guys like spooky Halloween people?

Yes. How did you know that? Well, because they have a coffin in their sex. That's true. Good point. Yeah. Do you guys like horror fun? I'm more into like spooky kind of thrillers more than horror.

But like is being like into spooky stuff part of your identity? Like people know you as like the people who love Halloween and... Oh yeah, absolutely. Okay. Keep going with what you're thinking, Jane. This is interesting. Not where I would have gone. You would like camouflage the room into being like a...

Dracula's den. Yeah, I don't know. Something like that. That's interesting. I was going to go a different route. but I like that. I was going to recommend you get a little screen in there with a seat in front and this is where your husband plays video games.

Especially with those blue lights, what's grosser than a little room where an adult man sits and plays video games and just farts in his own space? That makes it like horny room less horny. Exactly. But who's going to want to go in there? You're like, I'm not saying you do that and then go like, hey, this is not, this is when mom and dad are there.

Your dad goes, what's going on here? And he goes like, oh, he plays the first person. and shooter in here all the time. His nickname is Liquid Assets. That's pretty good. You walk in with that blue light, I go, there's an adult man playing a shooter game. You've designed the room with a black light on it.

So your dad's going to walk in there. There's a lot of semen on the couch for his video games, huh? It's not a black light. Oh, okay. I think this is a good zone, though. I think the idea of shutting it off, I think we're right. I think it's forbidden fruit. Then you're kind of like curious what the hell's going on in there.

The other, I like Halloween room because you do already have a coffin. Halloween room is great. You could put like a van Helsing, you know, just get like a couple costumes. Hang them in there. The only thing you really have to do is shut the coffin, which maybe looks a little sexy. I mean, part of it is it's a back stretcher, so it's not going to be crazy. I know, but you don't want to add on that back stretcher. I agree.

No, for sure. 100% you don't. You don't want a family member in there going like, dude, I was in there. You're like, get out of there. Something kept vibrating my ass when I was upside down. I would say you could get like a small poker table as well because liquid assets kind of there's a little bit of a casino theme and you could just say that's where you guys sometimes play poker.

Then you could cosplay casino with your husband. That's fun. True. Also true. How, as somebody who used to work in casinos, what is, how does that cosplay? Oh, okay. I was thinking like the floor man gets mad at the dealer. I've watched that happen. It's the least sexy thing I've ever seen.

Okay, never mind. You just go like, what do you mean? Take a break? I'm on a shift. You're blowing it. Actually. So, Rebecca, in this zone where we're kind of starting, what do you think? And is it more about your family or his?

What do we know about the husband? I think we need a little bit more info. Okay. I'm liking where we're going. I'm liking these ideas. it's more about my family. My family comes through a lot. His family, not so much,

but a lot of his friends will come through and visit. Yeah, it's really, you know, my parents are a little bit conservative. You know, my sister's not as much, not as conservative, but it's still kind of, yeah, that's different. Taboo topics, you know. Yeah.

I mean, I got to say, Rebecca, the idea of having a sex dungeon is shocking. That's awesome. Look, of course, I have no, look, I'm jealous. Yeah. But, I mean, apart from being jealous, if I went to, like, my sister's place, which I literally just did in Colorado with my kids and we were in the basement. And my brother-in-law, who was giving me the tour, went like, this is where the kids do sleepovers.

This is where your sister and I have a sex dungeon. I'd be like, what the fuck am I hearing? Yeah. This is where we, I hang her upside down. She loves it. We're like, my sister. an interesting point. Are you using the backstretcher in any way for sexual

stuff, Rebecca? Not yet. Not yet. Clearly therapeutic. All right. Now we got to do it, Gareth. So you've got a back stretcher in there, so that's just you decide to stretch in that sex room for some reason.

Shall we bring the picture up and zoom in a little so we can get some of what you're talking to the game film? Because then the only thing that we're using is the coffin? The coffin, the chair. Okay, this is an easy fix, actually. I mean, this is a hammer and stakes. Okay, here's what you do. Yeah, it's a vampire theme. Okay. Rebecca, here's my pitch.

A hundred percent, you close the coffin. Yeah. And it's, on the outside of it, it says, like, RIP back pain. You put the chair on the ground and you say, this is where when we have a masseuse come, they do it, we just made it fun, but, you know, what's your husband's name? Jack. You go Jack's back has been killing him. So he comes on here every once in a while. I'll give him a massage. We have a thing. But we decided to try to make it more fun. But it's just kind of his room for stretching in the bag. I don't really ever go in there. But it's just kind of his stuff. Then get like a heating pad, put it on that table, get like a thing of tea. Think anything that I would move that. A diffuser. Yeah. Roll that the rug up. And it's essentially a massage.

room for somebody with back pain, and then the liquid assets is hard to explain. The liquid assets is the only thing remaining. I think if we close the coffin and you get a just even basic massage table, you don't need to do anything else. But also, I think that little chair can do it. I agree.

If you have the chair maybe laid out. Lay it out, so it's in the middle of the room. So it's a little cumbersome to move around. Nobody's going to investigate. Lock the fucking coffin. But liquid assets, does that sign unplug? It does. Does it come off the wall easily?

It's kind of heavy. It's going to be a drag. But I mean, it's the biggest red flag. Jane, what are you thinking about this massage room idea? Liquid is the problem. I think it's a good idea. I think I'm still like, if you guys are Halloween, people, do you decorate your house for Halloween? Yeah, we do.

Like I have had, you know, those like plastic skeletons. You could hang the plastic skeleton upside down. So he's getting his backstretched on the backstitcher. And then you have that whenever it's Halloween, you can just take him out of there and put him on your front porch. RIP back pain. It's like a spooky massage room. It's a spooky. By the way, anything that you would have for Halloween, you just stored it in there.

And it's your Halloween themed a massage room. What? How can we get? Maybe I'm too stuck on the spookies. stuff. But by the way, I think it works. But here we just, one thing we need to work on Rebecca, Jane,

and Gareth is liquid assets. Will you show that image really fast again, Natalie? How do we make this more spooky Halloween? Well, why don't you just put like a beautiful tapestry, like a black lace thing that then you can wear in your sex dungeon

that you hang over it and that you turn the light off and then you don't see it? Or like yeah, can't you just cover it? How about this? Can you get a kind of pumpkin-y cover that you just put over it? And then when the lights on, it sort of looks like a lit-up pumpkin? You could. You could also just put, like, weird tinfoil over it.

But I think if you put a pumpkin and the lights on, people are going to think, oh, they got a little lit-up pumpkin. There's some skeletons. There's a coffin. I mean, look, Rebecca, if you fucking put a pumpkin on this. You put two basketballs in there, nobody wants to go in there. But by the way, if you put a pumpkin over liquid assets, you throw a skeleton on there and you go RIP back pain, not a question in the world. Some spider webs.

Spider webs in the corner. And they go, what's this? And you go, oh, it's just our Halloween room. We love it. We're just going to, we keep this stuff here rather than store it. You like Halloween enough for this. It's almost, it's like what happens to a Halloween store in the other 11 months. Everyone's like, I don't know.

It just kind of exists. Who gives a shit? But I'll tell you what I wouldn't do. Go ahead. What if like some of our family members are kids and then they want to like play in this room? Let them play in it. The coffin's locked. Okay.

I think we're careful, but I agree. You got to be like, yeah, it's cool, isn't it, kids? All right. Rebecca, Colorado, 31 years old. Tell us a little bit about your husband, by the way. Before, I was about to say to you, I was about to say, what are you going to do? But I'm so jealous. Yeah.

I mean, we have liquid assets on the phone. How did this, did you initiate this? Did he, how did this happen? Who made the sign? I'm currently doing construction on a place. I didn't build a sex room. I built like, it's a Midwest basement where everybody can watch screens. I got bumper pull.

Two TVs. And this is where we put the garage fridge. What? The least cool house in the world. You have a fucking sex dungeon. This is my sex fridge. How did you, how did this happen, Rebecca? Walk us through it.

Um, who did happen? We always would like talk about like, wouldn't that be fun or funny or whatever. And then I think it was really the idea of having a room with a bunch of soft things, like a nice fuzzy rug, velvet curtains, velvet furniture. Like I love an excuse to buy like a bunch of blankets or things. my path on our soft, which is a great way to get your wife to buy into this. Interesting. Just say you can buy a bunch of like, bunch of blankets.

I don't know if that's going to work on everybody. Honey, it'd be great. You get six extra blankets. I'll have a crate and barrel room. There's a hammer. Some stakes. And so, all right. So Rebecca.

And then, yeah, you didn't give us, you didn't give us the answer I was looking for. That was wildly not helpful. You said, tell people to buy a lot of blankets. Most people listening are like, this isn't reality. Yeah, that's like, I have enough fucking blankets and pillows and mouths. I don't have a sex dungeon. So my husband made the coffin. You're pitching the Downy Bear.

He made the coffin. Okay. He made the coffin surprise me with it for Valentine's Day, like a few years ago. And then the liquid asset sign was my birthday gift from him as well. So he's really. He's pushing it. He's built the room together with like the decor. So let's be honest with,

you just wanted blankets. You're like, I got a room with blankets. He's like, your name is liquid asses. This is the coffin I tie you up. And he's like, she's like, oh, I love it. It's great. I just really want pillows and some soft blankets. And he's like, and this goes on your ankles.

There you go. This is how I bind him. Oh, my God, actually. Now that you mentioned it, he did. He bought me, um, pulled. dancing lessons for my birthday, like a couple years ago. This guy is... He's been planning this.

I thought of my idea. You're calling in with another problem here, lady. Call us back later with that problem, but for this one, what are you going to do? How do you keep the relatives from knowing you have a sex dungeon? We've given you some good pitches, but now you've got to talk, Rebecca. All right. So what I really like about the ideas presented, I really like the idea of keeping the Halloween decor in there.

Same. And it's like, okay, this is the Halloween storage room. And closing up the coffin, I think we could even, like, maybe put it on its side. So it looks like it's being stored in here rather than actively used in here. Rolling up the carpet, kind of storing that away. Put it right on top of the coffin. Mm-hmm. And put a skeleton on top of it, honestly.

Nobody's going to open it. And so you'll just then. you'll build that room out a little bit, and it'll be an easy switch. And then what are you going to do about liquid acids? You're going to try to find a little pumpkin? I'm curious where I might find such an object, but I do think that that is the best way to go.

It is sort of pumpkin-shaped. Let's think really fast. Yeah, Gareth, what's fun punny stuff we could do with liquid assets? How can we, let's say, Jane, you think on this, too. What if some, like, liquid assets, if it's not sexual, what is it? Because the ass is money, it's dripping. So liquid assets. I mean, it's...

It's not necessarily saying, if you're someone's kid, you're not thinking assets means ass. No. You're not thinking sex room. If you just go into a library and it says liquid assets. See, the problem is then the room changes then. In my opinion, if you're not thinking, if you're not thinking sex room. If you're going in the direction where you want to keep the sign up and you want to throw people off the trail instead of scent, I would say you want to make it like a casino theme. It's money.

It's something like that. That's right. That's the way you keep the sign tag. I also do think you could just throw. Oh, because you're in finance. Yes. You were giving this as your boss because you bring in the most money. Well, that does.

Your nickname at work is liquid assets, baby. That, okay. Because you liquidate the assets, Mama. That opens us up if we want, just quickly, just to get it out there, that it's her home office. You put a desk there and a phone on the table. Then it's sort of like, this is where you go into business mode. It's your home office. And it's liquid assets because at finance, that's what you do.

So if you do zooms, you do them from home. You sit on your laptop in there. Allegedly. That's the cover. You don't really do it because then you'd lose your job. Jane, what do you think of it? this move? Then the coffin's just in her

office. That's a good point. The coffins a problem. No, it's, you know, here's the reality. Half the room is Halloween storage. But the reason you have liquid assets behind you is just for Zooms at work. Okay.

Because they gave you that as a nickname. Here's why I like that a little bit. It's like a bit of a junkie double room. Nobody's going to have interest in going into your Halloween storage. It's a workroom. I got this goofy sign from work. There's no loom. Don't go sniffing for lube. There's none. It's not a luby room. I don't know why you said your kids in there to look for lube. There's no lube. The coffin doesn't open. It's a closed coffin and there's no lube in it. Period. So, Rebecca, take us out now. We've given you now two paths.

I think Halloween works. I think skeleton works. I think a little bit of storage. mixed with liquid acids being your nickname from work. If I'm the dad and I go there, I'm not thinking my 31-year-old daughter has a sex dungeon. I'm going like, they just haven't figured out what to do with this room. I'm probably going to pitch on the room. I'm probably going to go down there and go, you know what you could do, honey? Turn it into a sex dungeon. So, Rebecca, take us out.

What are you going to do on the next family visit? All right. What I'm going to do, I'm going to turn it into a Halloween storage slash office room. I really like the thought that when a room is awkward like that, it has multiple purposes of like a desk and office like plus storage. No one wants to go in there. It's a junk room. So yeah, yeah.

So I think we put a little desk in there right under the liquid asset sign. Like that's where I go when I need some inspiration. and I or to do Zoom calls with that in the background. And then everything else is storage. I don't even think you need to put a desk there. I think you could sit in that chair with the laptop with the little computer on your lap. A little table there might make it a little harder to get in, though. That might help block the doorway a little bit.

Yeah, but you take that just roll up that bear skin, that's screaming sex room. other than that. This is just a weird little office. Rebecca, I got one more question. I need the truth now. When was the last time you guys used the sex dungeon for sex? Let's see. Probably, probably a month and a half.

Okay. Thanks for the call. Goodbye. This is just a storage room. It's like what you started. Guys, this is a storage room on a treadmill. Hang up the phone. Hang up the phone.

It's a storage room. All right, Rebecca. It's fine as it. Hey, get in there this week. Come on. Please, you tie each other up to something fun. Otherwise, you just have a weird storage room with a sign in it. Leave him down there for a few days of a bucket of porridge.

Have it some of a while. All right, goodbye, goodbye. Okay. Hello, you've got a special friend. Jane, go ahead. Hi, this is Jane Levy. I'm Jake Johnson's co-star and I'm the new NBC show, Sunset PI. You've got Jake Johnson and Gareth.

Reynolds here. Can I get your name, please? Good job. Yeah, my name's Kyle. Hi, Kyle. And where are you calling from? Indiana. Liquid assets.

That's where I'm coming from. Keep going, Jen. And how old are you? 42 years young. And what's your astrological sign? Scorpio. Ooh, Scorpio's are my favorite. Why?

Are they your favorite? it. Because I basically wish I was a Scorpio. What are you? What is Scorpio mean? I'm a Capricorn, which are kind of like a little boring. Sorry, I'll tell all the Capricorn's listening. But Scorpios are like, they have the quality of a phoenix rising from the ashes, no big deal.

That's cool. And they're like dark and they're like vindictive. And like usually they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, supposed to be sexy. Kyle, does this describe you at all, sir? When he said 42 years young, I know I got a lot bothered. My boy was ripping through my shorts.

Hey, Kyle. Hey, Jane, keep going. Keep running us through this. Actually, I, Torses are my, I really like Torses too. Okay, anyways, Kyle, what's your problem? Well, I am a father to a four, soon to be five-year-old.

boys. He is in preschool currently. He's four or five years old, in my opinion. He's going to be five in about three weeks or so. So we might as well just say five, but he's very insistent on four and a half. When's his birthday? October 19th. Wow. My son's birthday is October 21st. My daughter's October 17th.

My wife is the 22nd. I had a vasectomy. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Okay. Okay, so you're soon to be five-year-old. Yes, he goes to preschool, and his preschool is where my wife is a teacher. She's actually the teacher for his class. And over the summer, I went through a career change. I decided to do something new.

And because of that, I'm not always there in the morning time to help out to get the two of them ready. So as part of my wife and I's agreement with this, I have started making lunches for, the both of them every single night before I go to bed just to make sure that they're able to have a smoother morning getting out of the house. And... Sexy. ...weggone started the year. I started leaving a note in my son's lunch every single day.

And it's usually a joke, a drawing, you know, I love you, dad, that sort of thing in there. Loner time. And it's been a really good thing because he likes him an awful lot. but we've gotten to the point where his classmates have become fans of them. They've started to see my drawings I send every day. To read the jokes I send every day, that sort of thing. So, I mean, he's getting some serious social cred. But I am running out of ideas fast for what to draw, what to do joke-wise, stuff like that.

And I guess my question is, how do I get a little bit of a bank together of stuff that I can do? so I'm not staying up all night trying to figure out, you know, which Pokemon and joke to draw. That's interesting. Really cute. That's very cute. But this is an interesting one, Kyle, because you got to keep delivering the goods to the boy. Oh, here we go.

Jane, walk us through for the people driving exactly what they're seeing. We have a drawing of a dinosaur with some wings, very nice. cartoon dinosaur and it says why isn't Dragonite afraid of the dark? Oh, is this a Pokemon character that I don't know about? Yeah, yeah. That's been his new thing.

So I've been doing a lot of those and jokes about that. Is there a- Is there a punchline to that joke? Yeah, because he has a Dragonite light. Got it. Okay. And then what's the next one? Why did Snorlax eat a clock?

And this is all Pokemon. So, okay, I'm getting a sense of it. Okay, these are, by the pretty good drawing. Okay. Pokemon. All right, I'm getting it. So you do nice, you do pretty good drawings and you're doing jokes and then. They're very sweet.

But there's an assortment, you have a pretty good array of options. You're drawing, some are sweet, some are goofy. You're doing this every day? Four days a week when he goes to school, yeah. All right. So the problem on this one, and this is a tough one, one. How do you not run out of material and you don't know what to draw going forward?

Yeah. And it's hard because I have no idea. My daughters were never into Pokemon's. I've never seen any of those creatures in my life. But we have options where there are, you can, you are kind of doing your own stuff too. I have an idea. Go ahead. Create a fictional world.

Oh. And get away from Pokemon. and Wiley Coyote, get away from any IP. We could create a little thing. We're pitching a show. And you're creating a show Bible. And so what do you think of that? We could build out something really quickly.

Just the four of us could spitball, create our own little version of a Star Wars with characters. And then your lead character. What's the boy's name? What's your son's name? Robin. Robin is going through this adventure. So it's like Robin in Wonderland.

And so it's who Robin meets along the way. What do you think of an idea like that, Kyle? I like it. It's kind of a yes and thing. And just, you know, this was yesterday's part of the story. Almost do it like a comic strip or something like that. Yes, it is a comic strip. It's each day, and the reason the kids are going to be into it,

they learn something new. Because right now you're doing straight up like, dad jokes on it. And the kids aren't like, they're not like sitting around laughing. I'll tell you what they like about it is the drawings are pretty good. So every day when they get there. No, you're good. You're going to get a pretty good drawings.

But then Robin's friends could go like, what happened next? I like it. Every day is another piece of the thing. Jane, what are your thoughts here? I totally agree. And I was actually going to, before you said that I was going to say you should admit your own characters because it just gives you so much more freedom. And also I was going to say jokes don't actually really matter to four-year-olds.

Agreed. I think that what we should do is make it a little bit adjacent to what your life is like actually in Indiana. Is that what you said? Yeah. Like what kind of neighborhood you live in? Just make it a little bit more magical. But like what's the, what do you do with your son most of the time? Like what kind of neighborhood do you live in?

Do you live in a city? Do you live in a suburb? And then you like create these characters that are like sort of like your life. because then you'll always get material because you can remember what you guys did yesterday but then just add some like... I have a terrible pitch based off what you were saying, Jane. Go ahead.

I know Gareth is going to like it. It's bad, Gareth. Sounds like me. You tell the story of Dick Tracy photos. You still... You literally... The IP. Kyle?

Kyle. You watch... Yes. The worst movie ever made, Dick Tracy. You didn't even watch all of it. It is next level trash. It's crazy. You then tell the story one photo of a time of now Dick Tracy meets Mumbles.

Well, what if you did this? What if you actually, instead of directly steal it, what if you like, what if you just took these archetypes and plot of Dick Tracy but made it like a lunch theme? So it's almost like you've got your head investigator who's like, you know, Sam Witch or something like that. And it's his story going through Lunchville trying to like bust up these little rings of other food themed problems. That's cute. One quick thing. Jane, have you ever seen Dick Tracy? Yeah, I have. And it's been a while. I don't totally remember it. But the one thing I remember about it, first of all, our first call was about a sex dungeon. Then I said that Scorpio's are sexy.

And so I'm scared that you guys are going to think I'm like some horned up old lady. But like the only thing I remember from Dick Tracy is Madonna's perfect tits. She's stunning. They are insane. I remember being like, like, obviously you don't remember Jake. I don't remember them. They're crazy. Yeah, okay, Garrett knows.

Well, you are. of how incredible, I mean, Madonna was just... Smoking. Smoking. That movie is really just, could have been 20 pictures of Madonna just looking perfect. Okay, that's the last thing I say about sex. Well, one thing I'm going to add to it, because I don't remember that pair of breasts from the old movies.

That's shocking. I know, but I'll tell you the breasts I do remember. And Gareth, we've talked about it, but I can't remember the movie. What was the sci-fi movie where the woman had three boobs at the bar? Total recall. Total recall. That was the greatest thing I've ever seen. Boy, there's that Scorpio side coming out.

Total recall. We're waiting with three tips. Sexy, I'm a Scorpion. My favorite game would be, pick the fake one. I don't know which it would be. Middle. But, Kyle, we're starting to set you down a path here. Imagine pitching the Total Recall writing.

There's a lot of shows. I mean, it's the only time I've ever been jealous of another actor. He got to do that scene. Wow. So weird. It's crazy. As a kid, we saw it as kids.

Best scene I've ever seen. That's a lot of, like, Jake and I are who we, you just, you were like, wow. I was like this. What? Three ticks. How? That's your Tinder profile. Only looking for the three titted.

Yeah. Everybody else after that, it's like, you feel like you're missing something. You just got two, huh? Okay. You ever seen Jodal Recall? That's not what this is about. It isn't. I've never seen it.

Good. Oh, Jane. I'll send you photos. No need. What were you going to say, Jane? I don't like the Dick Tracy idea for the kid. You don't, okay. What do you think we should do?

We should come up with some cute, real characters. But do we... If I can interject one quick thing. Kyle, you're still here. Go ahead, buddy. Yeah. His mother and I are both very involved with local roller derby. So maybe we could add an aspect of that to it.

She skates, I'm one of the announcers. Sure. All right, give us a quick taste of your announcer voice. I can't wait. Okay. And your next skater, number 6-6, fruit punch. Pretty good. So, I mean, why don't we just do that?

Why don't you just telling the cartoon version of the roller skaters, Fruit Punch, all the different people skating. They can be characters from Pokemon or something else, but the catches they all have roller skates on. the announcer voice is the writing of it. So at first, the first couple of weeks, it's welcome to the roller rink. Meet the skaters. First up, fruit punch.

And you see it. And then rather than a joke, you just have fruit punch. Each skater says something. Then two of the skaters eventually on day like 14 skate together. Then two of them start to like each other. Then there's a little drama. Then there's a little fight. Then somebody gets jealous.

And you're just telling. the, you're explaining the world of the roller rink. Okay. Okay, that's, that's a fun concept. And I could make them, they don't have to be humans. They can be whatever you, but you think it could be whatever you want. I think that can be a part.

This is what my broader pitch would be. My broader pitch would be that the show you're going to make is called lunchville or lunchtime or something like that. And you can come up with a bunch of characters. And fruit roller derby could be one of them. You could have, like, a juice box character, a talking sandwich, a crabby apple, all these things. And you, like you do now, you can just do one drawing of a character with a talk bubble. And you just start to kind of world build a little bit.

And then you can create, like, a governor's election in Lunchville or shit like that. And you can kind of, like the comic strip idea to me, feels. right, where you just sort of see little slices of these characters, but you don't need to go overboard. And I think, James, right, it doesn't need to be like a joke necessarily. That might not hit. It could just be a caption, you know? Okay.

Something like that. You know what I really think, Kyle? I think this is cute, but boring. Okay. You're not caught it. Okay, how do we spice it up then? We pick a fucking movie. A character's name, Licked Wood.

assets. Go ahead. We pick something we don't know a lot about and we try to retell that story. I mean, of course you can do the kids. You could do ice roller skating. You just think bite some IP and just because they're

I would say let's see what we can do. Who gives a shit? But pick something and go Total recall. Total recall is exactly right. Kyle, have you seen total recall? Of course he is. I actually just watched for the first time two weeks ago.

Okay, so then give us in 30 seconds your pitch. What is total recall about? You have Arnold Schwarzenegger's character, Quaid. He's trying to have a memory implanted after some bad dreams that he has, and he goes crazy, all hell breaks loose on Mars. You forgot one key plot point, though. Three titties.

Now, Jane. Well, no, three tits, Kyle. Jane, I know, we all know you have not seen, Total recall. Tell us what happens with Quaid on going crazy in Mars. Go. Three, two, one. Go, Jane. I have no. Wait. I... Go, Jane. What does Quaid do? Does Quaid have a partner? Does Quaid do all this alone? Go. Oh my God. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I didn't even... Jane! I can't. Just say the three-titted woman, you'll be fine. There's a three-titted woman, and Arnold Schwarzenegger sees the three-titted woman, and he goes, awuga.

Okay, so now, Kyle, you can't do the three-tinted woman, but you can have a woman that looks really weird at her chest area. So she's just got like a, it doesn't even have to look like a woman, but the Quaid character does say Awuga. Gareth, does Quaid have a mate? Quaid does indeed have a mate. It's the woman with the three crab apples. The woman with three apples.

Oh, crabby apples. She's, her stomach is made of apples, gosh. Right. And three are the most pronounced. I like the idea a lot that you bite the story of total recall, but you kind of re-theme it for kids based around lunch, and you just kind of steal the story. You just go for it.

Okay. And all we need is 15 things and then call back. Yeah, I agree. We can pitch a different movie to steal. You'll do Rocky next. But let's not even do the lunch thing. It's too cute. I don't want Samich, man.

So what do you want? You want like literally. Total fucking recall, brother. You want him to literally. Imagine like your five-year-old coming home from school and explaining every day that like the other kid, like who reads the stories explaining to their mom, total recall three. Parts of it. But here's all it'll be. The teacher piece to get together?

No, here's all it will be. It'll be quaid. So there's a guy who's really strong and muscular. He's walking through and then he's on Mars and one and he goes like, what was the word? you said, Jane. Awuga. He goes like this. Awuga.

That's a whole one. Then the next one is from Mars. He looks and he sees Earth and he goes like, Mamma Mia. He picks his nose to pull a big red thing out of it. We're doing it for five-year-olds, one photo of a time. Then you've got him at a bar.

Quaid looks over. There's what looks to be a lady-type Martian. Maybe she has three bumps. in the middle of her stomach. Maybe. Maybe she got three titty. So, Kyle, what do you think of this idea? Taking a movie, running wild with it,

and sending us all the drawings? Or do you want to do roller skating? Or do you want to do a sandwich theme? It's on you now, Kyle. What the fuck are you going to do, you sexy? 42-year-old Scorpio from Indiana. your wife is a fucking kindergarten teacher

which is pretty hot you just got a new job our previous caller at a sex dungeon Jake all worked up I'm all turned around Kyle so tell us Kyle could just do every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie he could just say

exactly right that's true you could just do a montage and when he got into politics that's fucking A and in real life he is a pet donkey he does

whiskey really You could also do him as a young bodybuilder. Yeah, you can do the bodybuilding days. The idea. Just lean into Arnold. All right, we've got it. Also, you fucking do twins with little Danny DeVito.

Kyle, the pitch is this. You're now going to be doing the life story of Arnold Schwarzenegger with a little bit of fun and flare piece by piece. And you're going to start. He's a little kid in Austria who becomes the world's greatest bodybuilder. Because as a little boy, he's. fucking strong as an ox. And he eats good lunches.

He eats healthy. He's all about health until he gets to America. And then he starts realizing steroids help. We're not going to get into the steroids era. But he's in Venice Beach fucking ripping through weights. And he talks about, Gareth, he talks about lifting weights like it's coming. We all remember, that is true. It's important for this.

It's important for this. I don't know if it is, but it's up to Kyle. And you're going to, then you're going to do the Mr. Olympia days into his movies, Conan, all that stuff. And you're just going to sort of tell the very strange story of Arnold Schwarzenegger Farm to table. Hold on. Hold on. Now, Kyle, this is a question for you.

Do we get into all the madness with the maid and all that or no? No. I'll answer for. Literal worst advice of all time, like for his five-year-old son. All you would have to do, Jane, for that is he's in the house. And then there's like a cleaning lady. And he goes, ahuga. The kid would go, what's that? You go, nothing.

It's just a drawing. Then she... Then she... A little cleaning lady has somebody... The kid looks just like Arnold, but he's really strong. And then Arnold goes, Ah, wuga?

A whoops? Ah, oops? Uh-oh. A whoop. And goes, what's your husband look like? And this little guy shows up and he goes like, I'm the dad. Can you imagine if you were at school

and you just saw in a kid's lunchbox a thing where he's like, sorry, what's going on there? the character in your lunchbox getting divorced because he got the maid pregnant? No, Gareth, Gareth, you're talking about an essay. I'm not. I'm aware.

I'm talking about an image. So they go like this. I'm aware. What's going on? I don't know. I'm aware. Lady in a blue dress. I can't.

I don't know. Quaid. Quaid and the maid. Oh my God. Quaid in the maid. But also, then all you got to do, I really think you got to get into where he gets into politics. This kid's going to be 30. Dead stop.

But here's all we need, here's what Kyle called about. And Kyle, tell me if I'm wrong, you sexy 42-year-old. You were running out of ideas for photos, my king, with just a little line, a little line of dialogue. Awuga. Yeah. He can say that with different question marks and exclamation. It's a catchphrase.

It's a catch phrase, brother. Ouga's big. You, and when you go, what do I need? Throw on Twitter. twins. It's Schwarzenegger little Danny DeVito. They're literal twins, I think. I don't know. I don't think I've ever watched an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in full. I also believe he did Predator, maybe. Of course he did. I'm not, I got to be honest, I'm not a fan. Red Heat. I don't think I've ever seen a movie of his. Then he did the one with, uh...

Never seen Terminator? Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen it in full. Crazy. Even as a kid, I've never been into like sci-fi action stuff. Well, either way, Kyle, that's the pitch. What do you think? Okay. I like it. I think, like, maybe we take a little bit of a pivot on it, and instead of, like, we could take the story, but not make it him and make it a character that is, like, food-related.

So it could be, like a juice box. And it is a juice box. This is fun. Yeah. Because he's a literal juice box. Yeah, he juices. Yeah, he gets big and strong. Is that why you, Kyle, is that where you were going from it?

Well, I was just thinking, you know, like a... The straws, the needle? Stuff like that. Yeah. But, yeah, I can make that straw look like a fucking needle going with the steroids. Gareth knows what I'm talking about. Absolutely. After you pop that straw and that fucking juice box gets ripped, space changes.

But it's still the ball's jacked. Terrible temper. He gets all over the place. All right. So what do you think, Kyle? You're going to create a story about a juice box name Arnold? Yeah, yeah. So, Kyle,

I think we have given you a thing here where you could make 2,000 of these. But the question is, do you? Yes, absolutely. I love this. Will you please send us photos of Arnold the juice box from the rural country goes to when he moves to a merit? Like the story of Arnold through this juice box, I not only think your son wants to see it, I think our audience wants to see it. And the cease and desist you eventually get.

I don't know what a juice box. I'll go to court against Arnold Schwarzenegro. I want that one than anything. I'll represent myself. Oh, God, please. And you too. Do we need to change the name slightly? Yeah, you're fine.

Okay, so you're going to do this, Kyle? Yeah, absolutely. You're going to include us? I will get some pictures, people. Yeah. All right. Okay. And then before we go, Jane, what are your thoughts on this?

The real, how did. the three of us do as problem solvers? Do you think this is going to work? As somebody who listens to the show, what are your thoughts as now a player manager? Now you're in it, but you've also watched it. What are you thinking? Of both calls or just the last call?

Let's say both. We'll air this one second. I think we did good. I don't know. I think did we all clam up at the beginning because sex was mentioned and we were all like, gul? Or was I just me?

Maybe the sex engine threw us all. I don't know. I enjoyed it. I think, yeah, I don't know. What do you think? What grade would you give me a C plus? Do you want me to grade you? Yeah.

Okay, Kyle, what grade would you give, Jane? As a guest... Totally honestly, you can get... Yeah, really. Now, here's why I want you to be honest. Jane, I told my brother this story. I remember the other day in the car when I asked you to close your eyes and I see,

sang at you? And I said you were a bad singer? I said Jane, Gareth the car had beautiful acoustics. And my voice was loose. I know I'm not a good singer, but I think I'm a five and a half out of ten. Now, are you going to a cappella? There's something on the radio. Accapea.

Acopee. So I go, Jane, real quick. Close your eyes. Give me out of ten. Don't worry about my feelings. Give me an honest one. I bust out something that's fine. Nice. without hesitation, Jane goes,

no joke, one out of ten. I do it again. I go, be honest. She goes, one out of ten. Stuff.

Jake, you can't be good at everything. I can sing. Is that what it was like? One out of then. Okay. So, Kyle, how would you out of ten

judge our friend, my co-star from Sunset P.I., which is a very fun job. I think it's going to be a a great show. Jane's excellent on it. But how would you rate her on this call out of 10? Be honest.

Be honest, you sexy, Scorpio. Oh, okay, that just bought her an extra half point. No, no, no, no, I'm kidding. I want you to be honest. You know, let's call it like a 7.4. Okay, now give Gareth a grade. I agree. She's also the architect of Awuga.

Let's not forget that. Okay. Now, Kyle. Shoot, okay. No, no, no, I think it's totally fair. Hold on, Awuga is a big point. Kyle, does that change? Yeah, I think that's going to move us up to like an 8.1.

I agree, actually. Now, how about Gareth? Full honesty. None of us are sensitive. I mean, we are, but that's the fun of it. I'm going to, I'm going to have to defer here to where I think my wife would want me to be. And that is a perfect 10 because when I first met her, she actually had an autographed poster of Gareth up in her living room at her apartment.

Very biased, but I will accept it, Kyle. And you are 42 years, yeah, for the record. And now, Kyle. Aluga. Give me what you got for me, and I can take it. So we have an 8.1 from Jane, a 10 for the garf. By the way, it started at a 7.5. I agree, but I think the eight, he did forget about a wuga.

I don't think that was kissing butt. I think that. Wait, also, are you, do have her feelings that I graded your voice at a one? Yes, I'll answer for Jake. Go ahead, Kyle. How? Yeah, he's hurt. He believes.

Look at him. I've lost. Gareth, 4.5. 4.5. Hey, Kyle, will you close your eyes really fast? Oh, fuck. Yeah. And I want you to grade this as honestly as you can.

Kyle, be honest. My name is Michael. How would you grade that? Stop sampling. Let's call it a three. Gareth, sing the same line Three, two, one My name is Michael

So good voice So good Fuck shit That was good, Kyle He's the songbird He's a fucking songbird Fucking hey Jane

No, I'm not doing it Three Two There's no saying no on this Three Two, one My name is Mike Sierra

Kyle, how was Jane? I'll put her in a two, you know. I just got one point she gave you. Okay, but wait, what did Jake get on the call? He got a nine. He's just being nice. Yeah. I was all over the place.

Kyle, will you please follow up with us with these drawings? I think we would love to see him. You got beautiful drawings. I think it would be really fun. whenever you do them, just send them in. We'll keep posting them. But they're really lovely. Yep.

Thank you so much. I appreciate it. All right, man. All the best to you. And before we go, hold on, before you go, Jane, will you take us out in song and say, just please, Jane. Just, Jane, she said to me, she goes,

sometimes you put the callers on the spot and I feel bad for him. And I said that's part of the fun. So remember that moment? I do. So now, Jane, will you say, you have been listening to problem solvers and your problem has been solved and then once this is it Kyle we can all hang up

because that'll take us out of this episode but Jane, hold on Jane Jane Jane Great start Jane Make it as pretty as you can This isn't to be silly This is really serious shit Can you give me the line again? This is you've been listening to problem solvers

You've been listening to problem solvers And your problem has been solved But I want as pretty as you can Hold on. Stop, stop. Stop. We need silence before. In three, two. What's your lighter say? Some weed company. Why do you have that?

I've headed for years. I wish. Three, two, one. I've been listening to problem solvers. And your problem's been soft. Oh, Jesse, as our jazz man, where are you at? Sweet Jesse, are you there? Jesse, where are you at?

Wow. Really bad stuff, Jane. You know, we need Eve in the booth for this one, Jane. Terrible. One more time, Jane. No, I'm not doing it again. Okay, okay, okay. That was very good.

Kyle, your thoughts on her singing and then we'll get out of this crazy call. I thought it was wonderful. Thank you. Really quickly, let's just hear the songbird sing it once so we can hear how it's meant to be. Beautiful man with the mustache. Gareth and three, two, one. You have been listening to problem solvers. Your problem has been solved.

Hey, Kyle Let's hear you sing it songbird In three, two, one You've been listening to problem solvers Your problem have been solved Aluga All right, now I'm going to take you guys out

With a 10 out of 10 Who'd you hire? Jane likes to dance to great music We just saw her do with Gareth You're about to see her dance like crazy everybody. Who's singing? Me.

You've been listening to problems. Take it easy, Kyle. See ya, Kyle. Bye. Bye. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod. At gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash Here to Help Pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler.

The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.