We're Here to Help - 330: Small Town, Big Dik & Grandpa No. 2

Episode Date: October 5, 2026

Jake and Gareth absolutely do NOT encourage a caller to commit vandalism. Then, they take things personally when a mom-to-be honors the wrong grandpa.See images from the episode here: https://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-330Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. We're back. Well, Gareth, I was watching a documentary. Hello, Jake. About the untold store, untold on Netflix. The best, by the way. Reagan.

break dancer lady out of Australia I missed the Olympics I missed the story so while it was happening I mean I heard about I saw the memes everyone's making fun of this lady in the weird kangaroo dance

and I thought it gives a shit let her do a thing it was a but it was so it was so bad that it was there was value and enjoying

it was like I mean honestly I mean it's like a call it would be like a call where someone called the show and said, hey, I got into the Olympics as a break dancer and I don't know how to break dance. Well, the guy who pitched who did that was her husband, aka Sammy Sex.

Oh, no. I didn't know that. He didn't care of his name, his breaker name is Sammy Sex. He's a breaker too. Yes. All her moves, he pitched to her. He was her teacher. The sprinkler, the kangaroo.

This was his idea. The floor sprinkler. He literally did your same curly haircut at the same time you did it because he's Sammy's sex. Gareth, this guy looks so much like you that with only during your kinky hair phase that you said, it's not a perm. It wasn't a perm. Oh, yeah, that's Sammy's sex, boy. I'm going to be honest, it's shocking.

It is shocking. It's shocking. I could do. I could... Yeah. Remember, you got annoyed with me and acted like I was being insane. Funnyest part.

Where you'd be like, Jake, it's hair, chill out. And I'm like... I went through all the stages with you. The first one... I love that phase. The first one, did you? The first one was when you showed up

and I was trying it out. Two... Do you remember this? No, tell me. You showed up to studio, and I was like, he's going to murder me. And you walk me through.

Hold on. Before you do that, walk me through the more, when you first started the look, and you were like, I think I'm going to start using a ton of curling cream. Well, it was a swing. Not a ton of curling. You're doing it again. Look at Sammy Sex's hair. It's beautiful.

He's banging Raygun. He came up with the floor sprinkling. No, I was like, this is a swing. Okay. Obviously. But then you denied that it was a swing to me? No, I denied that it was a swing. perm.

Gareth. I did not, it was not a perm. Your vibe to me was this. What are you, it's hair. Well, I knew you were going to comment.

I had, it's my hair. No, this is what it was. Okay. This is where I got scared, to be quite honest. You know,

it's like, if you're in the jungle. Agreed. And you see a big cat coming? No, no, you're in a jungle and you hear, you're like, I can keep my head on a swivel. There's something over there.

If you're in the jungle, you don't hear anything, you're like, I'm actually fucking terrified. You walked in. I didn't say anything? Nothing. You sat down.

How you doing? How's everyone doing? You looked at me and I went, huh? And I went, nothing. And you go, hmm? And I said, nothing about this. And you go, I mean, it's shocking.

Is that true? True. 100%. I said to Kevin before we started, I was like, he's going to assault me. And then you came in and he didn't say anything. And I was like, you know, I was like, it was like leaving a bit. Heist with no alarms.

I was like, I think I just told them on a Lisa. Gareth, seeing you with that full kinky semi-sex hair, acting as if, what are you talking about? It's Tuesday, man.

I made a little... Acting as if you put on a gray shirt as opposed to a white shirt. You're like, dude, a lot of times I wear black shirts. I'm wearing a gray shirt. What are you talking about?

I have the kinkiest hair you've ever seen in your life? And then you got, you did the thing because obviously I went on attack. You're a big cat. You see a wounded animal. I also need to eat. It is the animal kingdom. Feast you did, boy.

And then the response right away, the overly defensive, what are you talking about? It was the same thing when we did it with Aaron Rogers back in the day. There'd be photos of Aaron Rogers where he'd be in like all denim. and he'd be looking crazy and really goofy. And I would send it to Gareth and be like, cool outfit. And rather than go like, he's a great quarterback, but it is a bad outfit, Gareth would be like, it's called denim. It's not like you don't wear denim.

I'd be like, Garrett, I know you like him. I also know you hate this outfit. And we could tease him together. And then it would be like, and then he'd like have like chaps on too. And you'd be like now and I'd be like, it's a vibe, dude. Chill. Chill out. Hey, Jake, it's Wednesday morning.

Chill out. He's wearing chap. You had a big weekend or something. Are you okay? But one thing I want to say about these documentaries that fucking drives me crazy. They get fucking nobody influencers who have YouTube channels as now the experts in the middle of It's this new year. They'll go like, Reagan didn't the Reagan.

By the way, she's a cool gal. She's an academic, whatever. She tried. Who cares? So then she'll go like. I want that attitude with me. Keep going. No way.

I love you. I love you. I don't know her. So then, I mean, I'll tell you what would be different. You know what Reagan didn't have in her life? Me. Oh, my God. You know what I would have said to Reagan in her training?

I'd go like this. You ain't going to the Olympics. And I'd be the one going like, try it. Okay? If you believe you achieve. I'm like this. Here's the reality, Reagan. You can go.

You're not going to get any points. I'm going to tell you what. Don't do that kangaroo shit. Don't give a shout out to Australia. Just do your best breaking and lose 27 to zero. Do not try to make a moment here, kid. You do not, you do not have that. But what I hate more than anything,

And I hate it. Is it now cuts to goofball influencers from their TikTok feeds going like this in a documentary. I know. What is she doing? Is she even a dancer? It cuts to somebody else going like, oh, hello. And they're like, it's spread everywhere. I'm like, this isn't a credible source.

You know, this is just some goofball in their apartment. Do you remember the two years where movie previews, if it didn't get good reviews, they would just be like, one of the best films I've ever seen. Ken Dickmanson, 85, Twitter. It would drive me. You know what they're still kind of doing that as in LA specifically? Because this is award season, I think. And the reason I say that is there's all of a sudden billboards everywhere, but I don't even know what big award is coming up.

Yeah. But it'll be like, for your consideration, FYC, so I'm like, all right, and it'll be some actor I've never heard of. And then there'll be a quote underneath where it'll be like, David Michelson gives the performance of a lifetime. And I'll look what the publication was. And I'll be like, what is that? Yeah.

It would be like, film guy who lives in Cleveland. Yeah. And I'm like, is it? Pop-up movies. Didn't billboards used to have value? Yeah, it used to be thumbs up or thumbs down. Yeah. And that was basically it.

I was like, oh, yeah, that's right. You could just buy a billboard. Yeah. Oh, and which we have in all, by the way. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the ads. And we are brought to you by Ultra. Okay, I'll tell you what, I'm actually, I'm on a job right now, and the Ultra Pouches on this job are everywhere.

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Wayfair, every style, every home. Hello. Hello. Hi. How are you? Good. Good. Can we get your name where you're calling from and your approximate age, please? Hi, my name is Maddie. I am calling to you from Northwest Iowa and I am 31 years old.

Perfect. All right, Maddie. What the hell is going on? So I'm a member of our local arts council. I am one of seven of us. We all do this outside of our full-time job. We're volunteers, just trying to do good things. for our community. We are in a small town in northwest Iowa, and at our four-way, we used to have a large mural that was painted in the 80s over time, just got dilapidated, which repainted over. Another member of our Arts Council decided to take up the lead on a project to get a new mural. She applied for the grant, did all the work, got a mural painted in 2022. And I don't know if she's aware of this, but the feedback.

we have gotten is that the mural is not well loved by the community. So I am in more of a public-facing job than she is, so I hear some of the feedback, and I don't know what to do. Well, can we see the mural, please? Yeah, I mean, elephant in the room. Yep, I sent pictures in. So I think it's a railroad one, the original mural? The railroad is the original, yes.

And how big is this? How big is this? Oh, you'll see in the next one. I think. Okay. Yes, yep. I took a shot from a far. The old one feels old for sure. So the old one feels like turn of the century, there's an old, well, that's the new one?

No. This is, so she left out, there's an inspiration mural, right, Maddie? Yes, yep. So this was inspiration for their new mural. Okay, so slow down. Go back to the other one for a second for the people who aren't in the videos. The original mural is an old, it's the railroad. It's the rail.

It's an old steam tree. with yellow cars behind, there's a railroad worker and overalls. There's like an old farmer. It just looks very... The hardware store's been destroyed. It's interesting. It's just interesting. But no, that's not destroyed.

That's the steam going up. Oh, okay. But the steam is the same exact. It's optical. I thought it looked like lightning and struck the hardware store. But the steam and the clouds are the same. But it almost looks a little childish but sweet. Old world.

Okay. So then the new one is an inspiration of what the new mural is going to be. It's a sign that says small, town, big, and there's a heart. There's what looks like sand dunes. It almost looks like you're in Egypt with a huge sun, bright colors, pink small, yellow town, yellow big. It's nice, you know, I guess. I don't love this one. And honestly, it's like something you'd see in the airport and not give a shit about.

I'm just being honest. Yes. But that was the inspiration. And now we're going to see what the mural is. Oh, boy. Can you, so it's a huge wall, a big white wall that's a one-story building. And the mural is, I would say, one-fifth of it. Oh, my God.

We were not also anticipating the size. We thought we'd get something a little more to scale. It's so small. Honestly, if you see it close up, really bad. It's not good. But when you see this, it's a pathetic size. Why is it? The whole building is a block long and the mural is a storefront.

What is? You know what it looks like? Somebody who has a projector and they put it against a wall for like a boxing match and it just doesn't cover enough of the wall. Oh, shit. So this is, it says small town big heart, but the letter. The water tower has the Falcons logo on it. I'm sure that's the, they're the Falcons in this town.

Local high school, yep. So that, that fits. And then, but then there's like, 1960s psychedelic flowers on these weird rolling hills. Yeah. There's like a New Mexico sun. There's train tracks. It, it really looks like the, the inspiration and the original mural took acid and had a baby. That's exactly.

I was about, it's so. acid trippy. Again, it's not great, but what has really creased me is the size of the mirror. Who, how did this process get okayed? I do think the size of the mural kind of slipped through the cracks. And so our arts council member applied for a grant and then had to choose an artist from the list that the grant provided. And so I do believe originally we had it more to scale of the size of the white wall. Yeah, that's. Okay, I've got a question for you, Maddie.

Yeah. How much would it cost to do the whole wall as a mural? Five times what it costs for that one. We have gotten a few estimates. We're thinking upwards of $32,000 to get the whole wall. Okay, so 32K to get a mural of the whole wall. How much does it cost to just paint that white and put it back? So that is, we do not own the building.

And so that is one of the things that we have talked about with the owners of the building. This is very Midwest. The building is currently a dollar general, but is owned by bomb gars because it used to be a bomb gars. Okay. If anything ever happens to the mural or if it gets chipped and faded, it is our responsibility to paint it white. And so we don't know the price that it would cost to paint it white. I wonder how much it would cost as if it were a billboard

to get a big printed thing and cover it where you plaster like a movie advertisement. Yeah, that's a different. That's another option. Yeah, treat it like a billboard. Treat it like a billboard. Here's what I'm wondering. Would it be funny and beneficial to the term? Well, what if it was the We're Here to Help logo?

I mean, obviously. And we got that whole wall covered in a poster of We're Here to Help with a lettering that basically says like, this is our mural or something like that. Here's what I think there's I first of all I just I can't explain how comically sized it is to someone just listening It is

It's so Look at the website or Or the Instagram we'll post it Just quickly What is the feedback people give you Basically our reaction This is very strange

And way too small Yes Yep Not exactly what they were thinking Small the other issue that I'm having is the Arts Council member that took the lead on this.

I don't know how she feels about it. And so I appreciate the work that she did to line up this artist to get the grant and all that. She's not in as public a facing job as I am. And so I don't know if she hears the feedback. She does remind us that, you know, artist's objective and that we are very used to a digital world where everything is the scale and that.

I think, I understand, I understand being diplomatic like you're being, but that is cope. This is not, it's not because we have Instagram that this is crazy. This is crazy because it's just not very aesthetically pleasing and it's far too small. It's far, look, if this was the whole wall, then you're right. This is the artist's interpretation. And also, look, but she's right to say that, you know, look, it's not, it's not that the artist is bad. It's just that it's a weird thing for this mural in this small town. Art is art.

So I agree with, I'm not saying the artist did a bad specific job. I'm saying this was curated incorrectly. It's too small on a big wall. And stylistically, it might not fit a small town in northwest Iowa. Yep. And it's at our busy intersection. I think we wanted more of like an eye-catching welcome. There are murals you see sometimes in city.

and you go, holy shit, that's awesome. They last for decades. This is something that would not be hard. What if you paint over and rather than a mural, you just stencil in small town, big heart, welcome to the name of the town. And so do you think I just tell my arts council member that, hey, thanks for the work, it's too small. We need to start fresh.

Is that the main issue? But it's not about the art anymore. It's that it's too small and it's not effective. So we go, we are doing a new pitch, and that is in order to save money, we need to paint over it. But we need to cover the whole wall. So let's just do small town, big heart. What's the name of the town, Haywarden? Yep.

Welcome to Haywarden, established 1832 or whatever that day was. And that is not 32,000. $1,000. Is the issue, I think that's, are you, I guess your issue is twofold. How do you tell them that this is not good? And then what is the follow up to how you repair that, right? Exactly. Yep.

So you have some. Well, I've got a question, Maddie. Would it help if you got a clip from a local radio show where, DJs were making fun of it. It was a, it's a radio show that they're talking about worst murals and we'll make up two other towns and you guys were in the top three. I've never thought of a scenario like that. So I don't know if I can say yes or no, that would help.

Okay, understood. I, but I think what, I mean, I think the truth is, you really, I mean, the size is what's making me laugh. hard. It's good that you have it because then you can be like, let's redo it because I think it could be better. But again, we're not like shitting on the artist. The size, it's just not, it's just like, it's distractingly small and weird. Maddie, what specifically can we help you with? How to tell the people or what to change? My original question was how to tell her. Okay. I know we have other ideas going. Okay. Yeah. So how to what to, what, how do, what, how do

tell her that the community is not liking it and we need to make a change. And fight through the cope of art is subject, you know, that thing, which clearly is her shield. Right. Yeah. I, like, I respect her as a person and a friend and so I don't want to feel like this is anyway. She's a great guy. She's a great guy. Yep, great guy.

Just like the barbers. Everybody's a great guy. Everybody's a great guy. She's a great guy. She's a great guy. The artist is a great guy. You know, the, there is this. So, okay, we've got to get the message of the people to her and make it so that, in my opinion,

and make it so that you're not the bad guy because I also think she's not going to just believe what you're saying just based on what you're saying. because she don't want to hear it. She's going to be like, no, I think it's good. So my first... And I don't know. I've never asked her. Maybe she also feels similar. I'm not sure.

But like I said, on a volunteer group, you know, your time has value. And so he did put a lot of work into this to get it completed. Who are you hearing from? Like just regular people are just telling you it sucks? Yes. regular people but also people whose opinions I do value because you know there are those people

who complain just to complain and it's not just those type of people it's people who's opinions Well I'm going to tell you this Maddie I don't have a dog Everybody everybody's a great guy Maddie I don't have a dog in this race so I'm going to be totally honest

It doesn't work And it doesn't work Not because of the art but because of the size. So I think we go very specific. This is a sized-based complaint, aka size does matter. That you are getting, you know what we could do?

Oh, I have an idea, Maddie. This is a bit of a weird one. We could create a we need to pick that you could send around to everybody in that town just to vote. And then you could present with the stats. You know,

I actually... Voting on you like a yet to know? Do we need to replace this mural with a mural that fits the whole thing? Or do we leave it as is? Okay. Or off of that, what we could do is you could get these people

who you're saying, you respect their opinions. we could almost have an art intervention, like an art intervention with her and explain to her that there is this issue. Then what we could do is we could do what we need to pick of, you could have more artists pitch on what the replacement mural would be. We could use that we need to pick for that,

get like four artist pitches, we could see what it would look like, we could have the community weigh in to help you guys get it over the finish line. But my only question is, is there going to be money for a redo? Do you like, is that something? They got the grant once.

I don't think they're getting another 32K. That's my question. Are you going to be able to replace? Probably not right now. We would probably have to be over years. Like I said, local arts council, we do this on the side. We would have to fundraise for X amount of years to come up with money. So is your pitch to her going to be, let's just paint over this thing?

Nobody likes it. That I don't know. I will tell you we have one loose working theory, and I was going to see if you guys had approval on this or not. Our agreement with the store owners is that if anything happened to the mural, that we would paint over it. And so vandalism has crossed our mind. I love this, Maddie.

I'm in. Maddie? Maybe in the dark of night. Maddie, I don't like this. I love this, but I will say the show is not. responsible for this. No. Everything we're about to say going forward

is merely the opinion of two idiots, but not the validation of any sort of... Here's what I think you should do. Do really bad graffiti that says suck a dick. And spell dick, D-I-K. S-U-K, suck-U-K, suck-U-S-U-K, so S-U-K-U-K-way too big

where you go like, why is the A so big? like an anarchy A. So small, S-U-K, anarchy-A, dick, D-I-K, and just graffiti from where you're standing so that the next day people go, this is an issue. You can't have suck a dick when you first enter this wonderful town, small-town big heart.

Small-town big dick. Oh, you know, you could do cross-out, or in the heart, just right, D-I-K. Honestly, if it's small-town big dick, you have to paint over that day. I mean, that to me feels like, look, that gets you there without the confrontation. Rather than Dick, ass. You could also rather than Dick, you could write as small-town big ass. You could actually go small-dick, big ass.

I mean, it's so childish, but it is awful. It would be a mural killer. And then you can skip vote that as the issue. You just go like this, because you had a deal. So you go, here's what we're doing. We're painting over it. We're going to figure everything out next. I mean, yeah.

Then the building complains and then you've got to paint over it. That gets you out. Maddie do this. Here's what we have to do, though. How do we, the problem, is you called us. This will get back to you. The other problem is

I am the town's local public library director. I don't know if this looks great on my record if I have a small vandalism. You know what? Maybe we do, Maddie, is we never air this. I was just going to say

we air this in years. That's what I was going to say. What if we start the process of this without airing it. By the way, it is January 12th, 2026. So we're going to time travel. So this comes out.

This comes out, Maddie, when you tell us in two years. That you feel like the dust has settled and the problem is dead all. And everybody's happy. It's the only way to do it because it's so specific. You can't do this. Yeah. This can't be revealed until the mural's gone.

There's a solution that everybody's happy. And you go, I don't care. Nobody cares anymore. Now it's just funny. And everybody's happy. Yep. And the woman was like, I hated it too. And everybody's happy.

Then we do a follow-up years later. But I think what you need to do is you need to, after you graffiti, send us photos, do a follow-up. And we'll just bank this. And Maddie, I promise you we will never air it. Yes. Can we air it on our Patreon, which is behind a paywall? And if you say no, then the answer is no.

That's fine. Yeah, you can air it on your Patreon. Because I don't, and then we'll say to that community, nobody talk about this. But I do. That community is tight. That community is tight. Maddie, will you be? Make the ploy.

I have two small children at home. I can't lose my job. No. No. Will you, will you be doing it or do you think that there's someone else who should do it? Keep this tight, Maddie. Do not spread it around to others. loose lips

We worked through the theory a couple of times We've talked about getting somebody jokingly Obviously half serious but slightly serious I don't know if there's anybody else that we trust enough To do it and never tell anybody No Maddie But I also don't know if the next person it falls to is me Maddie here's the reality

If you try to recruit others Yeah This is where it turns into Fargo Yeah. Yep. Because all of a sudden there's somebody who talks, there's somebody who screws up. You're an adult woman. You know what you're doing. Put your kids to bed.

Hubby goes to sleep. Get out of your goddamn jammies. Put on some pants. Put on a black sweatshirt. Drive over. Shinobi. Grab a ladder. Lean it up.

And it doesn't have to be a very tall ladder. Natalie would be there with a cherry picture. and then write as big as you can in one thing of graffiti, Dick. Put the ladder back in the car. Bring that graffiti, that bottle of graffiti you got, wear gloves,

throw it in a garbage can, drive an hour to another town. I don't want it anywhere near your property. And then have a laugh. Have a beer. Have a beer. you're a badass. This is something that you will tell your kids about one day.

This is a legendary life story and then compartmentalize it, bury it, and move on. And then honestly, we will have a follow-up. This is incredible. We'll time capsule that too. Oh yeah.

This will be a season premiere, season six. Yeah, this really will be when you say, hey, the dust settled, we solved it properly. I feel okay. We're all happy. Yeah, you feel like we got away from it. Yes, we're all great guys. We're great guys. So, Maddie, going to you of call one of what could potentially be the most legendary stuff we've ever done.

The longest con we've had, for sure. Are you going to do this and where are you at? These are real world consequences. This is real stuff. Where are you at, Big Dog? I think I've thought about it. I think one thing I need to check into is I don't know the security camera coverage of that location. Very smart.

I would hate to think that I'm totally under the cloak of night. And then all of a sudden the next day there is a very clear shot of my face somewhere. So how could you figure that out? You also have to make sure there's not like a big brother camera at an intersection that catches your car. that is not something that happens there's no stop lights in this town okay great just to make sure because they don't want if there's so in your job can you find out

if there's any sort of camera but can you find out casually you can because if you know the owners of this thing I mean that's very easy you could even tee it up by saying well I would say you could put the feelers out there and find out

I think either way you're going to be okay because again, nobody's going to be like, oh, no, the mural. But how are you going to figure that out? How am I going to figure out if there's cameras? Yeah. I actually work about a half a block away and so I think I can just play it off

asking about my own location. You can just, yeah, okay, great. So I would say, and then are you going to be the one that does the spray paint? I don't know yet. Okay. Do you have a... I hate to out myself right now.

Yep. By the way, at this point, Maddie, you're not. And I don't think you should. And Maddie? Ever. You're not going to do this idea. Right. No, terrible idea.

Right. If somebody else, because we are going to release this on the Patreon, which means... And I don't know who listens on the Patreon. Of course. And guess what, by the way, we have people in Iowa, and we're telling all of them, don't do this. But if one of these maniacic... It's a beautiful, perfectly sized mural, for God's sake. If somebody does this, then what can you do?

You have to paint it over. But Maddie? I have to. It will not be you. It will not be me. This is our first episode of Clue. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't even know what's happening. I don't know what's happening.

but all I know is, Maddie, this will be done under the cloak of darkness, whether, not saying that you do it, this episode. If, if it happens. We'll hold on to it. But what you should do, I guess, is maybe go have a logistical think, do some recon, and maybe you check back in with us. Check back in for sure. Upstate us before nobody does something.

And also, I will say this, if anybody from the community ends up doing this, I don't think this will ever get big enough where they do any sort of an investigation but if they do, don't let the spray can have a money trail back to you. Cash. You'd say cash. Yeah, but also don't go to the local heart.

Because it's not going to be me. Great, but also, I'm talking to the Patreon. But don't go to the local hardware store and go like, do you have spray paint? Yeah, no. You go to the lows two towns away. But don't go on Amazon. Amazon.

No. Don't go to Baumgarz, who actually owns the building. And go like, hey, can I buy pink spray paint? These are the little mistakes. You get in your goddamn car, and in northwest Iowa, you drive to Des Moines. It's a hall. I mean, I don't know if they need to go to Des Moines. That was too far.

It was too far. geographically. Yeah, I don't think I know. From Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Sioux Falls. That's still far. Sure. It's got to be like a Walmart.

Look, we're talking about 15 minutes, okay? We're talking about 15 minutes. Drive to a Walmart. Cash. You know what, rather than Walmart, try to go to a mom and pop shop. Yeah, absolutely. And get spray paint, some other stuff. What are you doing?

I'm building a birdhouse. Yeah. A birdhouse is called small town big dick. And then, Maddie, what do you think would be the best? Small town big dick or small dick big ass or small town big ass? or small town big ass or small town big gut small town big nose

small dick big balls small town big ball what do you like I was liking the small dick big ass I feel that really really hits them by the way it's I don't think people are going to think

that an adult did that definitely not a professional woman Especially not a professional woman with two kids. I'm definitely thinking that is a punk 14 years. That is a male under the age of 15. I'm going right to ninth graders. By the way, this is a great date line type episode.

You never would have expected. The person who wrote small dick big ass was a 38-year-old woman in Maddie. But much like the mural. there was more than met the eye. I mean, they'll never suspect you. Gareth might get arrested, but you will never be suspect. I'll be nervous. You know how I'll buckle.

You'll never tour an I-O again. So I would say don't do anything but follow up with us. Yep. Okay, that I can do. Phenomenal. Wow. Exciting. Exciting.

Excited. And I will not release on the Patreon until you've 100% confirmed it via email. But just say, if you're good, it can go on the Patreon. And if you change your mind, I do not mind holding all of it. Okay. Sounds good. Thanks, Bill. I'm going to go do some logistics.

Oh, my God. No, you're not. Well, don't. She's going to check. You're right. But you're allowed to check to see if there's camera stuff just because you're interested. Right. I'm worried that somebody else may vandalize.

Of course. Yes. Yes. All right. All right, Maddie. Go, go. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. We are brought to you by Mint Mobile. Oh, boy. Mint Mobile, they've got it all. Okay.

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to Squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 50% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code Gil sent me. Hello there. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm great. How are you? Great.

Thank you. What's your name, please? Olivia. Olivia. Where are you calling from, Olivia? Washington, D.C. Beautiful. How old are you, Olivia?

30. Beautiful. And what can we do for you? We've got Jake and Gary. Let's go. Oh, my gosh. So fun to be on the call. I love the podcast.

Thank you. So thanks for having me. Are you telling people about it? Are you out there spreading the message, the gospel? Because we need help. Oh, yeah. Because we need help. I tell everyone, I know.

Keep telling people. Is the feedback good? People going, ah, is a good recommendation? Are you hearing, are people saying, that's a good recommendation. Are you hearing that? Yes. And I will say the bit about its grandma time from like years ago. My friends and I still use that and quote it to this day.

I don't remember by the way, Olivia, I don't think I others remember what that even is. Neither of us have any idea. Grandma time. It's great easy. Was that our show? I'm not a bigger fan of the show than you guys are. There was a mean grandma and you guys said every time she said something mean, pretend you're in a sitcom. And say, that's correct.

I remember her now. She was always edgy. You'd look to camera go. You know what this made me think at the beginning and maybe the listeners could do us a favor just for the fun of experimentation? Could everybody tell one random person? I don't care if you're at the grocery store and Uber at work. Tell somebody you haven't told before. Say, hey, you should check out the podcast.

We're here to help. Listen today. And let's just see if we get a weird bump after this. Yeah. Olivia, what's your problem today? I can do my part. Thanks, Olivia. Well, I'll start with the good news, which is that I'm having a baby.

Congratulations. Thank you. Any day now. It's my first kid. I'm having a boy. So how pregnant are you? You're eight and a half? Nine months.

Oh, this is so. I was afraid I would maybe go into labor before. We're going to do everything we can. Olivia, if you go into labor during this call, it's the most exciting thing that's ever happened in the history. If you go into labor, you don't need to tell anyone about the show. We're going live. We're going live.

Yeah. We will go somehow. We'll turn it into a Patreon thing. We'll go for the next 12 hours if we have to, Olivia. Yeah. If there's anything you could do to stoke it, that'd be great. But that's not your problem. I want you to, for a second, imagine,

because any day you're going to go into labor right now. So when you're going through it, Gareth and I are going to talk you through some of the breathing stuff that we've seen in TV show and movies. Yeah. Breathe. You got this. I actually have a pitch for when the baby's out, it might be fun to look at the nurse and go, it's mama time.

Or the baby comes out crying and go, it's grandma time. Yeah, that one works too. You go like that's crying already? Look to a fake karma and go, grandma time. Or you could go, if it's crying, it comes out, you look to the camera, go, not a great start. Say not a great start. been in mind. Yeah. I would say, scare the doctors. Look at nobody. Shrug and say, not a great start. Not a great start. Olivia, before Natalie gets on and does this speed it up

routine with her hand, what is going on today? Okay. So we're having me be so excited, but there is some drama around the name and the kind of shortest synops I can give for it. is that my husband and I have decided to name him after my husband's dad because we love him. He's such a great guy. He's like very humble, very quiet, very behind the scenes. He will never see it coming. He'll just be so excited. And we also just love the name and think it really fits and feels perfect for him.

But the closer we get, the more we're all feeling worried that my dad is going to feel like jealous that he's not the one being named after. and feel like it's almost a sign that he's grandpa number two. My dad is much more used to kind of being the center of attention kind of guy. And he's, we have a, I have a bunch of sisters, so he's a girl dad, very sensitive. And I love him. And I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it's also like crazy because it is just, you know, it is the name and love the name. So my question for you is, how do I tell my.

My dad, because typically you tell, you announce the name right when the baby is born, but how do I tell my dad the name of this baby in a way that makes him feel, feel like excited, included, but not like he's grandpa number two. We're having the same reaction, I think. This is tough. If I'm the other dad, I'm like, oh. So here's the problem, Olivia. You're talking to two guys who are the other dad.

Oh, my God. So it hurts. It hurts bad because you're like, I'm really happy for his ass. And you go, that's an amazing thing that they get to share together. And I was a, I was a dad to Olivia. I loved her. And I have a daughter named Olivia, Olivia, and my feelings are getting hurt right now. And I'm just, I'm not trying to make your problems feel worse.

This would kill me, Gary. But you know what else? It's one of those. Olivia, I'm really sorry. I just want to point this out because imagine Christmas, the kids five, someone comes over. Oh, you're both named Joe? Yeah, we named him after Joe and you're just there getting pasta salad. And then you go like this.

Hey, hey, Jerry, bring in the pasta. And you go like this. Yeah, you know his named after me? The raccoon outback. That's all I have. I looked at the camera and go, it ain't Grandpa time. Yeah, I go, it ain't Jerry time. It ain't Jerry.

It ain't Jerry. I go, hey, you know who I'm named after? Yeah, the mouse. in the mouse trap in the basement. It ain't Jerry time. Oh, guess what? Hey, congratulations. All the kids are named the other people.

You know who we get? The dirty diapers. I'm going to start carrying a goldfish around in a bowl and name it after myself. Yeah. Hey, why don't we do the broken toes? All the broken toys get named after our side of the family. Jerry.

It ain't Jerry. Olivia, this is hard. But Olivia, can I ask you why have you made this choice? What is it about your husband's father? They respect them. They love them. Stop. What is the...

Jake's a little too into the character of Jerry right now. Her name's Olivia. This is her, in my feelings. It's tough. It's tough. Jake's got an Olivia. I mean, I appreciate your honesty. This is what I wanted to call.

Yeah. So many of my friends are like, oh, it's no big deal. But I have a feeling it could be a big deal. Olivia, I'm telling you this. Olivia, I'm telling you this from the bottom of my heart. It's a big deal. It is. Oh, okay.

But no. That's not to say, don't do it. Is there any way you would... you would name his middle name after the father-in-law. And with the thought of if there's another boy, that's dad. Because you know what we did with my daughters? You know what their middle names are, Olivia? They're grandmothers.

My daughter, one of my daughters, one of her, middle name is Eve after Eve. The other one is Anne after Anne. You can't do one. But don't you also feel like... But you could say to your dad, you're getting... getting the next one. That's what that would be. That is the saving pitch.

The saving pitch is if you're going to have more kids. Next one's you. And the reason we wanted to do this for sure is because you're so involved. You have so much. You know, he's a sadder guy. He's behind the scenes. What does he have? That's kind of it, too.

And he had a rocky relationship with his son. You and I don't have a rock. The reason you don't need it is because every day is me celebrating you. And I go, no, I know. He needs it. That's what honest to God What he just did Sad he's a sweet guy

But he needs stuff like this Guys like me We don't need it I okay But a sad guy like him He needs it Tell us why you've chosen Your husband's father

But I do think Jake just Hit on It would help you It would help If I hear next one's you And he needs the win And you don't need the win

Dad You're doing great that helps me my fragile eagle is but why are you why have you chosen you were so fragile you called it an eagleo how hold on Gareth how many different jars

of liquids you got my king buddy of different sides it's like the Russian dolls it's the next one you pull out going to be enormous Olivia why are you naming him after the other dad

okay I mean one of the brutal realities is I simply just like the name a lot more than I like my own. What is the name? We can bleep it if you want. The name is the name is Robert and I think the name Bobby is like the cutest name ever. I agree. I agree. But can I tell you something, Olivia? And I say this with dad advice. Yeah. Bobby's a fucking great male name that he could go by.

Yeah, but the more pregnant I get, the more I feel like it's his name. He's a Robert. Okay, understood. I get it. So what are you What's your dad's name? Michael. How about this? Robert Michael. Well, we do have another middle name picked out that we really like. What is it?

I could just do it. Hold on. What's the other middle name? So we want middle names to be fun and like not just kind of normal standard names. Give it to us. Olivia, we're going to give you a real and honest take. Olivia, what's the middle name? The name is Miao, which is.

Um, let me hand you a Kleenex. Now tell me the name. Niel. I think you're sneezing again, dear. Say the name. You're making weird sounds like breakfast, lunch and dinner?

You're clearing your throat, dear. You're not saying a name. It's the word for honey in Spanish. Hate this. And the reason we're picking that is because my dad's dad was a beekeeper. Love this. Like honey and bees are a big part of our family. That's very sweet.

We have like Spanish heritage. I love this. And that connects to your dad. That connects to your dad. It is connected to my dad, but it's enough. It is. Olivia, it's enough. Here's, okay.

This is a huge win. Are you going to have more kids? Do you know? I like, maybe hopefully it's hard to know at this point. This is, this is. Olivia kid, you never know. This is, this is how. Garret knows for sure.

He got his sniffed. I smelled it. Sorry, Daddy. eating. So this is how you do it. Sorry to anyone who's ever going to eat again. Enough. What you do is you sit your dad down and you say maybe a little hint to what Jake hit before. He needs the win and all that stuff. But what I really want to do is provide a legacy. And if we have another kid, I really, we maybe we'll name it after you. We've done it. We've done

it with the middle name. I do it differently, Gareth. Okay, go. Olivia, I go like this if I'm here to your dad. So we want to tell you the names before. because they're meant to honor the men on both sides of our family because we're having a boy. So we're going to go with the first name, Robert, because I love Bobby, and I want to call him Bobby. And for the middle name to honor you and your family, we want to go with Luen because it means honey in Spanish.

And as, you know, your family is all about honey and Spanish. So we feel like this is a great way to honor both fathers and both families. I like saying we want its name is going to be Bobby and then putting Robert on it. I think that's good because he's not Robert, he's Bobby. So you go like this. Yeah. That's helpful. You're not going to do it.

You're going to go like, this is Rob. On Christmas, you go, this is Robert. And then his little Bobby, you're not going to go. They have the same name. It's different. It's a very common name too. But Olivia, what you're doing with the middle name is very sweet. I agree.

Like if it was the same with me, if my daughter, Olivia had a kid. And she goes, we're going to name the kid Robert because we want to go by Bobby after this. And then for yours, it's going to be cavalier. And I go, why? And he goes, because your dad used to sell the Chevys. And I'm going to go, the Chevy Cavalier. It's good. You're okay.

The middle name saves you. It's sweet. Yeah. Say that again? So you think that's enough? It is enough. It is enough, but you have to tell your dad first. Yes.

And you have to. And should I tell him before? Yes, before. I say you call him today. Or if you can do him person, but if not call him. And you, and do what Jake did. We want to call him Bobby. and then you know you come to the conclusion.

But you don't worry about first middle, Olivia. It goes like this. We just want to tell you this because I'm going to go into labor any moment. And, you know, I just want you to know because I'm so excited about something. He'll go, what is it, honey? What can I do? And he'll go, nothing. You've really done enough.

You've been an amazing father. We decided we want to honor you and your dad. And we want to honor Robert and his lineage. And so what we're going to do is we're going to name our son after both. families. And so what I really want to do is I want to call my son Bobby. I love Bobby. He'll go, that's cute. So first name's going to be Robert, but he's Bobby. And middle name to honor our family, I thought to go more fun than just Michael, because I'm not going to call him Michael or Mike. That's you. I can't step on your toes. I want to call him Luan, meaning honey based off of our family.

And he's going to go like, oh, sweet. That's amazing. And go, are you happy with that? with that? And he'll go, yeah, and you go, could I just wanted to do it before because it's going to be so chaotic. But I'm doing it because I love you, dad. And you've been a great dad and you're going to be a great grandfather.

He's going to be crying. Yeah, I think that's how you do it. And then go, you know, for dads as good as you, we'd be really lucky for him. I'm so happy he gets to have a grandpa like you. And he's going to be a pot on a, he's going to be a wet noodle. He's going to be spaghetti that you left in

and you left on high for two. long. You burged it. You went downstairs. Got high. You came in. It's not even a noodle. Start recording a podcast and

then you heard an alarm. This is literally, it's so overcooked. It's just mush. Yeah. I think the way he laid that out is perfect. You're going to turn your dad

into from a hard spaghetti noodle to oatmeal. Okay. Olivia. Okay. That makes me feel better. Olivia. Now you,

as a soon-to-be mother, you're going to do such a great job. Oh, my God. Thank you. You're so ready. You're going to have. have so much fun. What people don't tell you is it's hard as hell.

It's so much fun. You're going to love every moment of it. As my brother calls kids, they're just bundles of joy. Now you tell us, you're about to have a bundle of joy. You're about to have so much fun. Now, you tell us, Olivia, what, I'm going to do this. I'm going to be your dad. You call me.

Okay. Oh, I feel nervous. You should do it. I'm calling you. Hey. Are you in labor? No, not yet. You scared me.

I almost had a heart attack. No, don't worry. I think it's any day now, but not yet. Okay, good. Before I go in delivery, I did want to talk to you about what we're thinking of naming him, because I know it'll be so chaotic, but you actually get in there. And I wanted to talk to you about it first. All right, shoot, honey, go ahead.

What's going on? So, as I've already told you, we're going to give him both of our. last name so he will have both were last names. Oh, good. But we wanted his first and middle name to really reflect and honor both sides of the family. So we've decided that we're going to call him Bobby for sure. And that's what you want to call him full time, like he's going to be Bobby. Yeah, we want to call him Bobby. That's so cute. But formally, yeah, I think it's really, really, really cute. But formerly his name will be Robert Miel. Robert to, of course, honor my husband's dad and outside of the family. And then Miel to, of course, honor your dad and the role that honey

beekeeping has played in our family and our heritage. And I wanted to share that with you now so that you could kind of take some time to get used to it before you need him. Not take some time to get used to it because this is not a bad thing. So make sure you're not phrasing this as a negative. I wanted to share that with you because I'm really excited about honoring you. Okay. I wanted to share that with you because I'm really excited about honoring you and I love you so much. And I want him to really feel like, you know, you've been such a great great dad and your dad

was such a great grandpa to me. And I know you're going to be such a great grandpa to this kid. So I wanted you to know that it's important for him to carry around that part of that part of us in our family and your family. Hey, Olivia, this is not a joke. At the end, I got chill bumps. It's great. Oh, really?

You did that so well. That was really good. When you did that thing at the end about such a good grandpa, to me, you're going to, I honor that, I got goosebumps. Okay. I didn't, but I still really thought it was great. You are in a money zone. Truly.

Go make that call. Right now. Hang up and make the call. Hang up and make, don't overthink. You're there. Okay. Okay, I really need to discuss. Go do the call right now.

It's going to relieve stress. You don't need any stress. Then once that's done, go knock that baby out. Perfect. It's mama time. And when the baby comes out and cries, we really, really want you to stare off to nothing and go,

Not a great start. And then take a pause and go. That was a bit hacky and do one more subtle and go, we got it. Well done. All right. Follow up. Follow up. Yeah.

Follow up. Thanks. I will. Bye. Hello. Hi. Good, how's it going? Good.

Who is this? This is Maddie. Maddie, what's going on? Maddie, remind us who you are, what your problem on. Yeah, we chatted in January. I had sent in the mural in my hometown. That was. So, Maddie, take us away.

Remind everybody what the problem was. Natalie, if there's images, can we please see it again? Will you tell us what the problem was, Maddie? What we pitched and what you did? Yeah. I am on our local arts council and we received a grant to get the mural painted. The mural was wildly small for the side of the building and wasn't really what we had envisioned. Give us a quick second, Gareth, recap what the mural looks like for people driving. So the mural is far too small.

It says small town, Big Heart. Is it Atlanta? Is that where you are? No. Well, it's what looks like the Water Tower has the Atlanta Falcons logo on it. It's a very, it's like a postcard size on a wall. It's very small and strange. The wall goes a full block.

Yeah, the wall is. And I would say one fifth of the white wall is this psychedelic child 60s inspired. painting kind of off center that's bad it's it's like yeah and and so you wanted to get rid of it but there's not money correct and so you were like well how do we do it and then there was something about the owner of the building oh right said you could do whatever you wanted with it is that correct we do have permission our agreement was if anything ever happened if it became faded or looked bad we are then responsible for just painting it white. Perfect.

And so we then pitched what we said had somebody graffiti at the middle of the night, and you were going to do that. And we were saying stay away from cameras and buy the paint from another town. Is that correct? Yes. Don't have a paper trail. Don't have a paper trail. And then sneak out.

We didn't release this call, Jake. Oh, we haven't? No, because if she was going to vandalize the mural. Oh, great. So this gets to be released together. least together. Great. Okay, so then... Are you in jail? What the hell happened? We have to get your hands for a second. What happened? What happened? I'll own up. I did make a critical mistake. I mentioned this to a couple people who then

mentioned this to a couple people, who then mentioned this to a couple people. My entire town knows that I may or may not have received advice that I should go. vandalized that mural. So I can't do that. I have to take myself out of the equation. You see good fellows? Yep. Yeah.

Okay. So that makes sense. By the way, you know, we all know about small town news. You live in a small town, everybody knows everybody knows everybody about business. That's why I like a big city. Stay at my business. What happens in my yard with my statues is my business. Okay.

Let's not. What happens in my garage with my dummies is my business. Okay. Have the dummies made the move? I haven't made. The dummies gone. I gave it away. That's tough.

That's a tough. Who took it? Some weird guy to sex shop. So where are we at? What's happened? We traded. He gave me one of his old dummies. It actually did turn out to be a really great opportunity.

And always a life lesson. When I found out that people were finding out about this, I wanted to get to my fellow arts council members first. I didn't want them to hear about this in a roundabout way. So we met. I told them this story and turns out nobody loves the mural. We had all just been kind of tiptoeing around it. Okay.

The person that I was so worried about talking to because I didn't want her to be offended. Owned up to it. She doesn't feel personal feelings about it. She didn't paint it. She was just the one who applied for the grant. So it was always a good life lesson to just have the conversation. But so what's happening now? We have decided we are going to move forward first just painting it all white.

And then something that I talked about on here with you guys is maybe more of like a billboard vinyl. Yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Gareth, reach that beautiful army of yours back there and ring that motherfucking bell. Never in a million years did we say with this. show it has to be our way to fix the problem. The show fixed the problem. You had a problem. The problem.

And now it's going all white. Miro going bye bye, a.k.a. problem solved. Am I wrong? Can I get an amen? Amen. Amen. So what happens next?

Mural. that's for y'all to fry on your barbecue. Yeah. Just get you a bucket of oil drop the fish in it. You frying it, girl. Now, do you know what you're going to put on the vinyl that's going to go on the wall after it's painted white? Who cares? That ain't about us, home boy.

I would just, my pitch lightly, lightly, is that we had a small part in solving a town's problem. I wouldn't mind a little. Just in the corner. A baby nod. To we're here to help. A baby nod. A baby nod. A baby nod.

A baby nod. A, like a chin down. Are you asking for a sponsored by We're Here to Help podcast? Maybe, or maybe we just see a microphone that says we're here to help at the bottom or something like that that just says, hey, this town, a difference was made. I mean, what about the mural being? Hey, this is crazy. Here we go.

Our advertisement. We've wrapped a van. We've wrapped a van. Are you trying to reach Northwest Iowa? Is that a place? Yes, very much so. Yes. Jake has connections there.

There are 3,400 people that of them, about 14 might love it. But we dock Hollywood at this town, it sounds like. So I think we're allowed. Apart from pitching, our advertising, which I love that you're going there, Gareth. You're not wrong. But what this really is about is your small town. And a problem that you had that was fixed. So how are you feeling now and when is that disgusting mural being covered with?

And I hate to say this because this is going to sound wrong. But when is that colorful problem going to be fixed by being painted white? Maddie, when are we going to paint it? That's a great question. We're a group of procrastinators, and so we definitely have it on our list. And so we'll see when it's going to make it way to the top. Maddie. Maddie, listen.

You took us to the one yard line. I know. And then you were like, I was going to call it a bunch of time. You fucking just farted. Listen. You'll get an email and maybe like 10 to 12 months and it'll just feel like a way. Mani just fixed the problem. I'll bring this back to the council.

I'll bring it back to the council. I don't mind making a pitch to the council to inspire live at any point. Okay? You just let us know. Reach out to the show and I will gladly be a part of this council meeting for five minutes to say that I think we need to be moving. Well, there we go. Well, it feels like I'm never going to hear from you again. but it was good to chat,

and I'm glad we solved the problem. The bell got wrong. If it gets repainted, we would love to be a part of it. But if not, go paint that Iowa white for us, okay? There we go. Thanks for being here to help. It was great. You were great.

Thank you. That's great. By the way, what a great tagline. Perfect for a vinyl thing on a building. Take care, Maddie. Bye. Bye. Bye.

our show on Hulu. It drops a day early, and there's also back catalog episode. That's right. So we're here to help is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. It's just join us. Let's go. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at Helpful Pod at Gmail. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animation by Andrew Strelecky.

And if you'd like to see Gareth, do stand up on the road. Go to Gareth Reynolds, Thurley. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.