We're Here to Help - 331: Holy Mouth & She’s A Rocket (with Dan Goor)

Episode Date: October 7, 2026

The guys are joined by Guest Helper Dan Goor, creator of Brooklyn 99. Together, they help a pastor replace two missing sheep. Then, a smokeshow causes trouble for an un-caged hog.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. We're back. We just did a rocket of a call. Wow. That's a... Special guest, my friend, the showrunner of Sunset PI, which is coming out in February, I believe, on NBC. That is correct.

With the man who created Brooklyn 9-9, wrote for Conan for how many years did you do that, Dan? Conan for five years. Wow. And then where else? You did Parks and Rec? I did Parks and Rec for five years. I did the Daily Show for three years. Wow.

That's, yeah. And we've been having a fucking blast on this show. Unbelievable. I feel so lucky. I feel so lucky to be on this. I mean, I've listened to the podcast. I've heard you guys really quite honestly change people's lives. Thank you.

With your advice. Thank you. Sorry, I was just laughing because... I don't know what's funny about that. You just changed lives with us. Today, it really was to be on the opposite side of it and to see the way you guys think. The process.

The process. To be in the room. Yeah. To be in the room where it happens. And to feel like these are people who, care that you care about the collars and you and you research it. Jake was, Jake pulled out a Bible at one point, literally pulled out a Bible at one point. And Jake at the end, they're really, really invested in the last one.

Well, you guys are going to see what happens on the second call, but we had to go. So I will say about that call without giving anything away. It was a very hard problem because, and I think Josh is a, but I think Josh is an absolute winner. but what I liked about him, and this is what I like about a lot of our callers, he wasn't just saying, okay, great, I'll do it. He was letting us know,

that's not going to work, fellas. I've been down that, and for him, he's like, this problem is real. Yeah. And we're not going down that path. That's not it.

You're wrong. It's not that. I think a lot of people think of this podcast that's like, you get a problem, and then you guys come up with some genius solution. This episode,

that second call, without giving anything away, was like the podcast, the staircase. with a twists and turns. You think you know what's going on, and then boom. An owl. An owl.

Yeah. And then, Danny, will you tell us a little bit about Sunset PI, how you came from, how you came up with it, what was the origins coming from Brooklyn Nine-N-N-N-N-9? You also did killing it. Just walk this audience a little bit. We're all going to do more come release time where we'll do a proper push.

But just because it's truly been, I love the writing. I tell Garrett, like, I think it is probably the most fun job I've had. I think it is so good that everybody's great. I think we have an unbelievable staff of writers. I think our crew is unbelievable. So good.

The actors, looking around at that table read at 106, I'm like, watching Keith, I'm like, he's incredible. Langston is scoring. Jane's on fire. Mary was killing. I was like, oh, Everybody scores. We don't have a weak link.

Yeah. And it also feels like we're in a season six show. I mean, it's crazy. Agreed. So I co-created it with Luke, Del Tradecchi. Luke was the number two on Brooklyn, and he and I created killing it together. He's an unbelievably talented,

unbelievably funny writer. Great, great hair also. Can I tell you something? You're not going to like? You said he's in his season of good looks. That's what you said. Can I tell you something that Jane's going to get mad at me about? And you are not going to like it because I don't like it either.

I don't like it. I already know what you're going to say, I think. And I'm saying this because if Luke listened to this, this is the truth. And I don't have the gall to say it to his face. We were shooting a scene in the car the other day. Yeah. And he came and gave notes and she goes, Luke's handsome. Oh, Jesus.

She's never said that about me is my guess. Did she ever say that about me? No. You can't see it, but he's shaking. And he also said no. Yeah. You can't. He's shaking his head.

And he also said. No, but Luke is handsome. I wouldn't say, I would say, it surprised me. But it surprised me. In addition to that, that's not even his best characteristic. I agree.

I mean, that's shocking. She's never said that about, she's never said that about you. He understands. That is not the vibe with us. No. To come up with us, she's like this. I like those guys.

They're a little bit weird. They talk too much. Before you, you listen to. He likes him? Before you, you listen to Jake's voice, but...

Fuck, Luke. Have you guys... Jesus, Jake. Have you seen... He's so funny, Andy's handsome. That's terrible. Jane's husband is a smoke show.

He is incredibly handsome. So it's not like she has some weird taste or anything. She likes hunks. She likes hunks. All right, but keep going. So you and Luke... So, well, years ago, you and I went out to lunch,

and we agreed that it would be incredibly fun to do a show together. And then, uh, We recorded each other, yeah. I feel like... Go ahead. Without giving away too much. I want to hear what you're saying.

Okay, no, no, no. I was just going to say, it was a magical lunch. And I felt... I've always felt very connected, like a mind melt. So... And Luke and I were trying to figure out a show to do together, and we thought a show about PIs would be fun. It sort of takes a lot of the stuff we liked

from Brooklyn Nine-N-9, like a case of the week. and, you know, those investigative beats are fun, and it's a familiar genre, so people are really at ease right off the bat. You don't have to explain the premise over and over again. And as we were writing it, this was, you know, we hadn't met with you yet, and we were like, what's the ideal lead character? And we were like, oh, it should be a Jake Johnson type. And we started writing with Jake Johnson in mind and didn't think we could get you. Really, just fully thought that was impossible. Well, you're on 73 other programs and movies at any given time.

And got very lucky, and you were available. And then we got this incredible cast. Well, mine was different because Dan and I headquartered each other. Yeah. We both said to complete world. That's what I would say, to completion. I agree. And Dan paid for the sushi, which for a guy like me, I was like, boner.

I was like, I'll pay. And then he goes, I got this one. And I was like, Yeah. Jake has always been a Columbo guy, always love the detective thing, and when he told me what this show was and who he was, I was like, this is your dream job. I hope we get to do this show for a day.

And the thing is, Jake is so good. But not only is he good and funny, he's so good, he brings so much out of everybody else. I think it's great. This episode's a rocket. This is a big. Yeah. You're going to need to cage it.

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Wayfair, every style, every home. Hello. Hello. Hey, how are you? Good. Doing great. Well, that's good news. Can we get your name, please?

Yes, Olivia. Olivia. You got a nickname, Olivia? Nope. We're going with Olivia. That's cool. My daughter's name is Olivia, and she doesn't have nicknames either. Oh, okay, okay.

I thought it'd be live, Livy. Ali. Yeah, we're going with Olivia, so. That's cool. I like it. It's setting the law. So, Olivia, where are you calling from? The Bay Area.

That's cool as hell. And how old are you? 31. And what's your favorite meal of all time? Oh, Cibet. Kind of gross Favorite Favorite meal of all time

That's shocking Yeah Anything anything Mexican But like I do love Civeche So if you were

Is that a desert island Food Just Civechre As long as There's tapatio I do Like death row You'd be like

You're not going to say Like Ice cream Sunday and steak You're just going to say Like Savich I need all the things You know

Like That's cool Death Row, you want something that's going to take a long time to cook, you know? Death Row, what I'm doing, honestly, is the most disgusting stuff in my body for after I die that they have to deal with. Oh, I love that. Chili. Chili mixed with spaghetti, where I want on time to go like, oh, oh. And you're going to request an autopsy.

Green juice. They have to get in there. Green juice, too, where they go like, what is that? Yikes. So, Olivia, you got a special one today. You've got Gareth and I, and then you've got my new friend. And yeah, I'm leading out with friend, Daniel. Thank you.

The showrunner of Sunset P.I. He is also the creator and showrunner of Brooklyn 9-9. He is one of the most talented, funny guys I know. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dan Gore. Thank you. What a doosky. Wow. What a doozy.

Trying to respond to that. That's as good as it gets. And Dusky and Trisky. I don't know. Okay. Olivia, so you got some shooters. What's your problem today? What can we help you with?

So the big issue is my dad in his teeth. So basically, a couple years ago, he lost one of his side tooth or teeth and it broke. He went to the dentist. I'm assuming he had like a pop-in because every blue moon you would see a tooth. And then you wouldn't. And so I'm assuming now because it's been like a couple years, you don't never see that tooth. Like the replacement.

Because he wasn't comfortable, Olivia. I got my teeth. So, yeah, you want to see it's super embarrassing. Okay. And then fast forward like two weeks ago, another tooth broke, but on the opposite side of his mouth. So now no matter which way you're talking to him, you're not seeing a tooth. It's super embarrassing. And I mean, I could tell you later on, but like me and my sister's, my mom specifically, it's like, we're all embarrassed.

a big thing too. It's like he's a pastor so he gets up every Sunday in front of a congregation and is preaching the word of God with two holes in his mouth. It's just embarrassing. Olivia. I am for sure with dad on this one, but keep going.

With dad. Yes, Olivia. He's just missing a couple of teeth who gets around to ass. Olivia, we're going to be on your side. Olivia, we're going to end up on your side but I just got to say from the start, the dad's got a couple of teeth fell out of his mouth. I can't go to this church.

Look at the pastor. This is crazy. That would be an insane reaction. Where are the two teeth relative to each other? They're on opposite sides, but if he smiles, can you look clean through his mouth sideways? Like, is there, yeah. Oh, you can't.

Oh, yeah, you see the holes. Yeah. Okay, so could you line a person up on the other side of his face and look through his tooth holes? and see that person. Incredible. No. Okay.

Okay, but that's an honest question, though. But hold on, Olivia, if he was doing like a full, like, kind of chimp smile where they show the teeth and you put a flashlight on one side, would it shoot out the other side? Yeah. Probably.

Well, probably. But you do think it's possible to shine a flashlight all the way through his mouth. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, Dad, I mean, I'm hearing you more.

So if you go from the nose to the center, if you call that one, how many back is it? Because it does matter. Because my dad was missing whatever was back here. So on the deep smile, you would see the gaps. But I'm like, I'm sure it's hard for the guy to chew certain meats. Yeah. If your front two teeth are both one and then the teeth next to them are both two and then Three.

That's the way to do it. I just went to the dentist. Both, I think they're both four on each side. One, two, three. That's kind of deep, Dan. That's not that bad. No, no, no, you can see it. Let me tell you.

Maybe three, but I think it's four, but like, you know, certain smiles when you, you can see it. Yeah. And it's symmetrical. Definitely, he's talking. You see the whole. But it's three and three. It's not three and four. It's not three and two.

I don't know why I'm obsessed with. Which helps. It helps. It's really symmetrical. It's kind of nice in a way. Yeah. I think my dad was missing fives. And I do think I hear what you're saying.

Four's is a haircut. Yeah. Okay, Olivia. So what's your dad? Yeah, go ahead. Sorry. No, you go, Dan. No.

Jake, come on. It's your show. Dan, please. It's our show now. What is, so you have this problem. And what are you hoping? Are you hoping,

what are you hoping to get out of this? Yeah. We're hoping that we can get him to fix it a little like thing to note. He's super stubborn, like very stubborn and he always has an excuse of why

he can't get them fixed. Like there's always something that like tops priority in him getting his teeth fix. My mom specifically pulled me he was a little. We've all talked about it as a family like it's super embarrassing. Go get your

toothpicks. On the more like funny, bold one. So like I'll be straight up with my dad, I told him, he doesn't care, he's stubborn. But my mom told me, she's like, Olivia, I have told her dad, please, like, it's embarrassing. Please get your teeth fixed. But there's only something that, like, pops it, why he can't get him fixed. And.

I hear this. Ironically, the dishwasher was broken. She has this conversation with me. The next day, he's like, guess, guess what's getting delivered? today. Dishwashers. He puts the dishwasher instead of his teeth. So she's like super frustrated.

I, rightfully so. It's like, I'm telling you it is embarrassing. You know, you kind of look at somebody with like missing piece and you're like, yeah, you're bad look. Okay. So the essential question in Olivia, if I word this incorrectly, then tell me. But it's how can we get dad, who is a pastor, to fix his goddamn teeth? This show is not about our opinion, Gareth and Dan.

The audience going, save your comments. Let the man live, Olivia. Save those comments. Because that's not what this show is. The show isn't, do we agree with Olivia's point of view in a sensitive world we all live in? Shut up. Okay. The call is, the show is, we are here to help the caller.

So everybody take that part of your head out of it. We are now in solution mode. And that is, Dan, I'm going to throw to you first. And I'm going to say this because I don't have anything. I don't have anything yet either. But can I ask some questions about his pastor work? Is he a person who heals people, for instance? No.

No. We leave that to the Lord. Okay. Interesting. Okay. That takes a holy mouth. He's got a holy mouth. Dan, if he was a pastor who was healing people, how would he sound, sir?

I think, I'm not sure I can do that. But I think you might have the voice of the Lord on him. But listen, I guess my question, my question is, is he at all embarrassed of it? Is he, or he's totally finding it? I'm going to answer for him no. No, not at all. Correct. Couldn't care less.

I got to tell you, if I wasn't on TV and I lost a couple teeth, no embarrassment. Really? Well, I got that one yanked. Yes. It's there. It's there. It's had this. It's embarrassing.

I got a little gaffer. And yeah, it's just, it's gapped out. Can I be honest? This is the first time I've seen you. I think it's kind of, it's kind of cool looking. He doesn't have a gap anymore. It's not. But there's a little thing.

There was a period, Dan, where he did it and he was. missing a tooth, and I swear to God, Garab, I said, don't fix it. Yeah. Whatever it's at now is like the best of both worlds. But it was real bad boy in a cool one. You were like, God damn, he's fully missing a tooth up front. You got a tooth picker.

Can I ask a question? Yeah, sure. Yes, Olivia. If your kids, though, like, you would be fine with it, but if your kids were like, Dad, that's super embarrassing. Olivia, you're right. I would get it fixed then. Okay.

So, Olivia, here's going to be my pitch. It's just a start. And look, I know this isn't good yet, but I think there's something here, Olivia, but we're going to need your help with it. We're going to need Dan and Garrier than because this is not an easy one. This is a really tough one. But here's what I think, Olivia. We use what we have, and that is the Bible. Song of Solomon 4-2 compare someone's teeth to a flock of sheep.

it's an ancient compliment about their appearance. Proverbs 3014 says someone says some people's teeth are their swords describing how they prey on the poor. Can I just say, Jake, can I interrupt you and just let everyone know? You're just, Jake is rattling these off from them. Yeah, there's no reading here. This is dome stuff.

He closed his eyes, he leaned back, and he said, let's talk about it. It's crazy. Yeah, well, because I care. So what you say, Jake, is you say to your dad, I was reading the Bible and something I found interesting about it. You could just say, you could just say, apropos of nothing, you're at dinner, you go, hey, dad, let me ask you a question.

What do you think of a shepherd who loses a couple of sheep and just doesn't care? Well. What about a shepherd who had 12 sheep? 12 sheep? And then one day, two of them are missing. And they all walk in a line. and in the middle of the line, they're missing. And that shepherd's family is like, we want those sheep back, Dad.

And that shepherd says to his daughters, don't care. I'll rather get the dishwasher fixed. Dad, let me ask you this. What about a general, a general who has an army and he loses two swords? So he's got a bunch of guys standing there and they're all sorted. And two guys are just standing there and there you have nothing. Well, how about this, dad? A white picket fence with just two of the pickets gone.

Yeah. May I just say this actually, as we're hearing it kind of piece together, does sound like it could be a bit of a speech. And maybe if Olivia constructed her own sort of preacher sermon. That's interesting. And I would also say if we up the stakes a little, maybe we get some of the family around when she's doing this. Just to yell amen every once in a while?

So that it's kind of all deep. So that it's kind of a preachable sort of moment. I like it. You know, in that what we could do in this world, Olivia, because I'm liking where we're going, but just to give you other things, we could also show him throughout the days, visual examples.

Like you get like a sign in the house that says like, you know, kitchen is where the heart is, but take away the E and the R. Why go. I thought you were pitching. Yeah, sorry. No, go ahead, jump in.

I thought a kitchen room the heart is on one side and then mouth is where the teeth is on the other side. You're a little sign, you know, and then you go, if this one feels honest, but this one, I'm feeling something's off here, Dad. Two things are missing. Yeah. No, I was going with, have things like, you know,

if there's a fence, missing pieces, if there's a sign, missing things. The blinds, a couple are missing. Yes. Where he goes, everything is a little off. And you go, So are your teeth, homeboy. This is what it's like when you talk.

Your eyes don't see your teeth, dad. So we need to show you what your mouth looks like. Everywhere you go until you get it. You know how weird the blinds look right now with those two things missing? He goes crazy because I promise you your teeth are worse. That's a slower burn. I like that, though, too. I do like that idea.

So we've got the idea of helping you write a sermon. We've got the idea of taking things away so we show your dad what his teeth look like. Let's hear from you a little bit. Where are you at a little bit? We're starting to pave some streets. Do we want to drive down any of these? We're just trying to get you in a course that couldn't get you off the lot today. Yeah, it's a great looking car.

No, those are hilarious. My thing is I feel like, I mean, I haven't done the, like, pictures, so, like, you can visually see, I think that's a good idea because like I said, I am the one that's most focal about it. So I've like said things to him many, many times. I've done it in front of other people,

which is probably horrible. But like just to kind of see like, are you embarrassed? Totally not. Doesn't care. But the visual thing is funny. I just don't know if that's like going to... Have you thought about having... Have you thought about doubling down and hiring a dentist

and like just as a present having him come in and take out any more of your death's teeth, you know? Wait, speaking of that. Yeah. How about in Olivia, this is a little bit of a commitment from you. Yeah. How about going to a Halloween shop and getting something that blacks out one of your teeth and spending a little bit of money so it looks good where he goes, whoa, honey, what happens? And you go, and my tooth fell out.

And he goes, you're going to get a fix? And you go, eventually. Because what you're willing to do for yourself is not what you're willing to do for your kids. So he goes, no, no, no. My daughter will have all her teeth. But me, it's fine. I've learned it from watching you, dad. You get a chicklet.

You know, like, do you know what a chicklet is, a little piece of gum? It looks like a tooth. Yeah. You do the blackout thing, but you hide that. And then you sneeze really hard and you throw a chicklet. So it looks like a chicklet. tooth came right out of your mouth. And then somebody else in the family picks it up and choose it.

He has a heart. Oh, that's good. Yeah. But keep going. He fills it in. And he goes, my God, what happened? You go, I wanted to be just like you, Dad. Yeah.

Remember those old drug commercials? I learned it from watching you. Yeah. I learned it from watching you, Dad. So what if you show Dad that, dad, you are our pastor, you are our North Star, you are our leader? What if not just you, all your sisters and your mom, create missing teeth.

I was just going to say. And he goes, this is getting crazy. You go, we're following your lead, father. Dare I say, we go to church

and maybe try to coerce a few people to have that there too. Yeah. We're making a banksy. The whole congregation. As many as you can. And on his church,

take one of the letters off the name of the congregation. Ongregation. Ugh. I like this. Me too. So Olivia, wait, Dan, what'd you have?

You're off the open and I want to hear it. This isn't fun or funny. This is just, I think, a really good piece of advice. This is a stopgap because you've said that he wants, he's spending money on the dishwasher. He doesn't, he wants to save his money. I have a really cheap stopgap for you, and that is Dracula teeth.

You give him, because you put those in, and it sounds to me, that's exactly where he's missing the teeth. That's nice. And you say, Dad, you know what this is, Dan? This is you and me at work saying, no bit. No bit. No bit. Draculture.

Hey, man. This is not funny. This is not a joke. I think your dad should do Dracula TV. It's a different audience. We'll deal with it on a permanent basis later. We'll get the keys and now. Just throw these fangs in, brother.

Put the fangs in. You know? Because it's just, it's easy. It's cheap. It's fun. He might have fun. It's certainly fun. I mean, if you're going to do that, give him the cape.

Do the whole look. I mean, the cross is all over the place. He's like, just turned the cross is. He can't actually be able to go into his own church now. I'm going to church, he says. He's water. I'm burned. You do that, and now he wants the real teeth because he needs to go to church.

He's like, it's his calling. This is terrible. I have to fix this. He talks his way entirely now. Let's do Levitticus. is. Olivia, where are you thinking right now? What do you like?

What do you don't like? Where are you at? I still like the everybody in the family blacks out their side teeth. Okay. And I was almost thinking like, you know, we have a lot of family dinners, having everybody over. And we all be in on the bit. We all black out our teeth, even the grandkids. And we just act like normal.

Don't acknowledge it. And him just be like, like, what? going on. It's really good, you guys. I like it. And so how are you going to go about doing that, Olivia? How would you black them out? Can you get your whole family into it?

Then when your dad realizes what's happening, what do you present to him? Like, how do we then, if we're all on the same team and what we want is the result of your dad doing it? I'm with you on. He gums. Everybody has blacked out teeth. He goes, okay, I get it. And then everybody he sees. I get it. Now, at that moment, what we need is this is where we put the contract in front of many signs the deal.

It's very much, it's like a tooth intervention. And what they would do in an intervention, you got to go right now. They create the, they create the bottom. And then they go, and here's the solution. That's what I think you should have. And you have to leave today. They go, can I have one cigarette outside? It could be, it could be tomorrow. You could set an appointment for him and have this all set up. Then you do the blacked out teeth, the intervention. the conversation and then you go, dad, we really want you to get them fixed. We think you're just going to look so much better. The appointment is tomorrow at 1130.

We will drive you. Will you go? Will you go? And if you don't, none of us are ever going to talk to you again. You really ever benching it up until creating the bottom. Olivia, what do you think about the full on after the tooth incident? You guys have planned the appointment. You have set it up.

It's all set up for the next day. You get through his wife to your mom. You figure out his schedule and you say Friday at 10 a.m. You are free. You have an appointment. We're getting these in and we're asking you to stick with this. Will you do it in front of all these people with blacked out teeth? He's going to be like, the toaster is broken.

No. I like it. I honestly, I think every. I kind of want to do a piece of everything that you guys suggested. Like I was thinking the blacked out tooth as a family. But then I really liked what one of you guys said about the then presenting like a sermon to him about the sheep. The sheep is hilarious. Doubling down on that.

And then I was even thinking about like the vampire, printing out images of different teeth options. And sewing him, these are your different options. Which one do you want? You have an appointment tomorrow? Wow. Okay. She's talking kitten caboodle. You do it.

What I like about what you're doing, Olivia, is you're throwing everything at him. Now, here's my question to you in real life. It's September 24th. This is not just a show where we throw goofy ideas out and then go like, that was fun. You've even rebranded us as the problem solvers. I did yesterday, but today there's a new name of our show, and that's a result. Whoa. Hey, it's going to get confusion.

Dan, welcome to the first episode of results. Results. I love it. Results call in a dental solutions program. Mm-hmm. Yeah, dental solutions. That feels too specific. Because that feels like we're going to get ourselves in a little corner

because we have another call after this one. We'll push into a dental fix. Yeah. No matter what. Yeah, they're like, so I've raccoons in my attic. Have you considered braces? Have you considered pulling the raccoon's teeth? Olivia, walk us through very quickly exactly what you're going to do and when you're going to do it.

So we know what we're going to see at the follow-up. The floor is yours, Olivia. Take us out of this call with the winning solution. I think all three. I'm going to, after we get up, I'm going to send a family group chat without him in it. Say, when can we do the quickest family dinner? Let's do that text right now as a group. We'll help you write it.

Can you open up your phone really fast? Yes. I've got one of the best writers in the game, Dan Gore. Dan, you want to help her write that text? Well, how far are we going in the text, Jake? Are we going all the way through? Are we saying fam? Do you hire fan?

We're talking about the tooth incident too, and she's going to pitch to them the plan. Is that right, Olivia? Yes. Okay. Okay. You're going to go fam. Olivia, tell us when you're ready, because then you're going to read it back to us.

I'm ready. Fam dash. I was just on a program called Dental Solutions. No, no. Results. Dental results. Results a dental solutions podcast. No.

You might as problem solvers or we're here to help. We're here to help, call in problem solvers, colon solutions, a results-based dental program. Patreon link and then. And then, okay, no, you're going to say fam, colon. Dad's, do you call him dad? Yeah, Pop. Pops. Adorable.

Adorable. I wish my kids called me pops. Not too late. Not too late. They call me heavy geyser. You know what? You're in such a different nickname place from your kids. Whatever.

Okay. Fam, Pops tooth, I have the solution to Pops tooth problem. Should it be teeth problem? you've got multiple, he's got multiple teeth out. He's got two teeth down. And then you go, we're going to have a family, it's an intervention, exclamation point.

This is good. Okay, and then you go, everyone buy a tootsie rule. Then parentheses, we'll explain later. You want to just have her bring the tutsy rolls? Okay, you know what? We can get a Halloween bag pretty easily. Preview of things to come, the Tootsie Roll is how you're going to black out the tooth.

I don't know if you figure that out. You don't have to tell people to bring one. Tutsi rolls will be provided. There's going to be an intervention, everyone by a Tootsie Roll. If I got that thing, I'm giving the woman sending me the text an intervention about Tootsie Rolls. I mean, look, I think what you want to say is we're going to show Dad what it's pops, what it's like to be around him. Everybody's going to black out two teeth. We're going to have a dinner.

We're going to smile. He's going to be horrified. When he's at his low point, broken down, putting his thumbs in his... This is too much for a text. Agreed. Take away the broken down, people are going to then battle it. Well, also, it's just too much for a text. I really think you've got to go, I have a solution for Pops' tooth problem.

It's an intervention. Call me. We'll discuss details. You think it's that? Basically. Olivia, what do you think? What do you want to put in this text? I'm just worried about putting too much detail.

Yeah, Pop sees it. No, no, they would be dead. My sisters, for sure, they're down. Okay. I said, Sam, I have a solution to Pops' Tooth's Tooth's Tooth's Problem. It's an intervention. We're going to show Pops what it's like to be looking at him.

We're all going to black out two teeth while having dinner. Todd, you're the writer. This is great. This is great. This is excellent. Do you want to mention Tutsy rolls or does that feel insane? Not. Agreed.

Okay. Just for the sake of it, just if you add it at the end, we'll probably use tutzi rolls to black out the teeth, but it's... That doesn't matter. That feels like a stupid detail. Whatever. I don't want to get caught in the weeds in where it works like on your teeth. There's a whole tootsie roll component, which we will get into.

Later, later, later, later, later. I just think if I got the email, I'd be like, the text, I'd be like, how are we going to do it? You know? I would say a lot of to tutsi. roll talk. Yeah. She sponsored.

Is Olivia sponsored by Tutsi rolls? Yeah. Sounds great. Why did you say Tutsi rolls four times? When was the last time y'all had a Tutsi roll?

Those things are delicious and versatile as shit. Oh, and then maybe add P.S. Read the Bible because we're going to be preaching to him about why why he should.

Dan, I think this is too long of a text. I think Olivia has it. I think you had it. You really had it. Let's go ahead, Gareth. Let's just add to the end of that. When he knows

what we're all talking about, I'm going to present him with a prearranged dental appointment to have it fixed. And then you can get into the rest of the stuff on a conversation. But then I would write at the end, Olivia, this is obviously all for fun,

but I think we're going to fix the problem. Yeah. Love you guys. Then Tutsi roles will be provided. Then hashtag Tutsu roles and all that stuff. Yeah. So, Olivia, will you read us back the text, take a second, and then when you're good, hit send. Okay. How many people are on this group text, Olivia? Three.

Okay. Okay. We might want to up those numbers at the dinner maybe, but we'll see. Well, if that's the group. Well, the grand kids will be there and they're going to be a part of it, but, you know. They don't have teeth anyhow. They're kids. Yeah.

Are there any babies who are coming? give them crowns so they have full sets of teeth I was going to say just give them the teeth that he's missing or the vampire teeth in it all the babies get vampire teeth okay Olivia I got to say I actually think we're good we are talking past the clothes on this one

you're in a car it fits you in your family perfectly it's got low mileage we got a hell of a deal on it get off this lot girl and follow up with us. Please take photos of the family with the teeth in. Let's get some photos of the responses to on the text thread. Yes, but I think this is going to be a big win. Keep us posted. All right.

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Hi, how are you? I'm great. How are you guys? Good. Can we get your name, please? Oh, yeah, Josh. Josh, where are you calling from, Josh? Northern Cincinnati I don't think I've ever heard anybody say northern Cincinnati Exactly what I thought

Yeah I've never been like I live on the east side of Cincinnati Oh I'm in the south So Josh how would you judge the northern part of Cincinnati What makes it What's the cutoff? Yeah what and also what is it about northern

That's different than southern Cincinnati Oh it's just on the north side of Cincinnati's place called Hamilton But nobody really knows where that is so I got you How would you describe northern Cincinnati? Is it different than southern Cincinnati? Are the people a little different? Yes, definitely.

How so? What makes them different, Josh? Well, first of all, southern Cincinnati is basically Kentucky. So, because it's right on the river, which is the border. And northern Cincinnati. A little bit more south, okay. Exactly, yes, yes. Josh, how would you describe eastern Cincinnati?

What's that all about? Eastern Cincinnati, Eastern Cincinnati is lots of forest. Lots of... Sounds lovely. A little bit more East Coast vibes, a little bit more uppity. Absolutely, yeah, actually. I definitely get the sense...

How about West? More cowboy vibes? Or is there a California surfer dude? And the Western Cincinnati? Is it kind of like surfer guys? Fish tacos? Really? Fish tacos.

Yeah, Western Cincinnati has like a lot of like, like drug problems, honestly. California, brother. I definitely get the sense very quickly that Josh thinks Northern Cincinnati is the best part of Cincinnati. It's not even close. I think that's what happened here when you heard the descriptions. Yeah. So Josh,

I really like the eastern side, actually. Yeah, I got that. Is that right? Is that right? Is that right? Is that right? Is that the idea is like eventually the east.

You raise a family in the east, but you sow your seeds in the north. It's fucking cool. Is that true, Josh? I mean, if I was going to stay here, yes. That's probably what I would do. Wow, that's cool.

Interesting. And you fucking party down south. And then when you party too much, you go west. Well, then you end up in the west and somebody goes, has anybody seen Josh for a while? And they go like, he's struggling. He's in the west. He's in the west.

He's in the west. He's southwest. He's southwest west right now. Then you start going to rehab. You meet a great lady and you guys get a little place north. Then you go east. Then your business. takes off.

It's like a clock. It's like a hand going. You know what? That's the cycle of life and it's beautiful. It's all in Cincinnati. All of those. KRP in Cincinnati. Unbelievable.

What a ride. What a ride. What a beautiful city. Wow. Josh, you got Gareth and I, of course. And then you've got the showrunner of the new show I'm doing on NBC called Sunset PI,

the man who created the great show, Brooklyn, 99. The man, myth, the legend, Mr. Dan. Gore. Thanks. Oh, nice to meet you, Dan. This is awesome.

Nice to meet you. This is awesome. Yeah. Hey, Josh. So, Josh, what's the problem today, sir? All right. So my problem's a bit of a weird one. So for context, me and,

it's about me and my girlfriend. So we used to, we're in a long distance relationship right now, but we used to be a Cincinnati. What's that? Nothing. Go ahead. I'm sorry. So, yeah, we used to be in the same city, and then for the last year we've been doing long distance.

So I only get to see her maybe like twice a month. And my problem is, guys, that I'm just like, I think I'm too attracted to my girlfriend. So when we were in the same... That's a damn problem. I'm attracted to your girlfriend. I haven't even met her. You would be You definitely would be

Really? This is a cool problem This is also Is she listening? Because what a guy you are This is really I gotta say As just another dude

Who probably would live In Western Cincinnati You're turning me on Josh I wish I was your girlfriend I'm attracted to Josh Me too I'm too attracted to you You're so hot

I wish I could see you more I'm like chill out I do like the bones of this call already too By the way Yeah this is a This is a great problem. And I already am thinking of solutions.

I don't even know the full problem yet. Agreed. So, Josh, keep going. Keep shooting. Yeah, so here's the thing. So my girlfriend is like a smoke show, at least to me. But I think to pretty much everybody as well, she's like absolutely like a rocket. And when we lived, when we lived in the same city.

I've never heard of a rocket. I love it. I love it. We can keep breaking this call down like game film. I mean, yeah. Everything about this, I'm love it. in northern Cincinnati. She's a fucking rocket, dude.

I'm going to use that so much. It's insane. She's a rock. Dude, she's a great-looking lady. She's a fucking rocket, bro. She's fucking igniting, man. By the way, rather than call a good call a banger, we're going to call him a rocket.

Oh, this call is a rocket. New name for the show. Rockets. A dental podcast. No, dang. I'm sorry. Just rockets. Josh, if you can relate this to

teeth, that's going to be super helpful for us. We had a prior call that was dental related, but this is about your smoke show rocket girlfriend. Right. And go on. Do we want a name? We do want a name. She's got great teeth. Rocket. We'll call her,

we'll call her Mary. Mary the Rocket. Keep going, Josh. So, yeah, so Mary's a rocket. And when we lived in the same city, you know, we would see each other all the time pretty much because we were we lived pretty close to each other and um it's about

our sex life so like back then you know it would just it would just kind of happen it happened naturally whatever um it wasn't like all the time but it was pretty frequent you know and then how many times a week you're riding that rocket brother yeah well or she riding in the right yeah she's right at my rocket she's a rocket but you got a rocket in between your pants kind of all right just answer the question, Josh. It's getting tougher. Oh, great. Oh, yeah. Rock it. You light that thing on fire. It's going to explode.

Jesus. There's going to be some fireworks. Yeah, they leave burn marks. Oh, God. Anyway, enough about the crotch rocket. How often were you guys doing it when you were feeling good? How long were you popping off? How many launches did we have?

How many long? Successful. Yeah. No, no, I'm with you guys. I'm with you guys. So, um, I think that probably when we lived in the same city, we would probably see each other like four times a week and we were probably doing it like probably at least two of those times.

That's all. And how long do you guys, and how long you guys been together, John? Yep. We've been together a year and a half. I got to say, only half the time seeing each other in the same city at a year and a half seems strange to me, no? Well, you know, well, how far away did she move? No.

Garrett, this is what, hold on. Oh, you mean when they're together. In the same city. This might be like, hey, we're getting brunch on Sunday. And then I got a thing to do. You're fucking rocket. I got a rocket in my pants. Let's have brunch and then go in the back of the Fort Torres.

Yeah. Let's go to South Cincinnati and see what happens. Yeah. Have sex around those hillbillies. Yeah. So she's a real private girl. She's really private. She's so.

So hot. She's a private rocket. It's perfect that you're doing this then on this podcast. What a good way to handle this. That's why I went with an alias for her. So, Josh, forget what I said about. Okay, so you guys back in the day, have exploding rockets twice a week.

Now she moved. What city did she move to? So she didn't move. I moved to Cincinnati. Oh, where were? were you before, brother? Yeah. Is that in Ohio, brother?

We just need a little bit of help here. She's in Columbus, I'm in Cincinnati. So it's really not even that far. Oh, Columbus, Ohio. Yeah. Right. Okay. So, and what is that commute?

North Columbus or? Go ahead. Yes, North Columbus, yes. Awesome. How far of a drive is that? Two hours. Okay, so it's a two-hour commute. Okay, so keep going.

So you're two hours away. Rocket fuel. That's the problem I'm hearing. Because you start ignition. and you get in the car, you got to keep it going. You're saying he gets a boner at home, gets in the car. He finishes in the car. Too much rocket fuel.

How about this? You're fueling up in the car is the problem. No, how about this? Don't drive there with a boner. Just relax. All the time. Oh, I got it. I got it.

Really quick, Josh. How old are you, sir? 45. Oh, yeah. You're just a, you're a rocket. You're a walking rocket. You're walking rocket. You're launching whether or not it's planned.

It's the cosmodrome. I just have to ask, what's her age? Because if you say over, if it starts with a six, I'm thrown for the first time on this call. If you go 6 to 3 right now, I'm going to lose my mind. She's about to be 27. Okay, so you guys are right around with age. Okay, so Josh, walk us through what the issue is. We're interrupting you a lot.

And I'm going to tell you why, because it's an exciting call. It's great. No, my rocket. This is a rocket. So the call's a rocket, she's a rocket. She's a rocket. You got a rocket. By the way, this episode is sponsored by Rocket Money.

Go ahead, Jake. I apologize. So, Josh, back to you. It used to be twice a week. Now you only see her twice a month. She's a fucking Rocket. You live two hours away. What's up, Big Dog?

Where are you at? So my problem is that when I see her, because I only see her like twice a month, I basically like, like I constantly want to have sex with her. constantly. You're built up. Yes, and it's like, and I think that I'm much, I think I've got like a little bit too much sexual energy for her. Like I, I like, I eat right, I sleep right, I stay in the gym. So, and I'm, now I'm 25. I'm tired. You're a fucking rocket, brother.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you keep talking. I'm going to rip my panties off and go to Northern Cincinnati. You're in the gym. You're doing chest cables. You've got a big rocket. Everyone's checking. Go ahead. This is an habit. fitness. You're a juggler. This is an advertisement for sex work, brother. It's work. And our audience is exploding. Our audience is definitely not angry at us right now. That's for sure. There's some lady driving in her car right now going like this. I'm going to just hire this rocket. This is as sexy as it gets. Yep. Okay. So you're pawing at her. Is that the problem? You're like,

you're in a different place. She wants to have like a conversation or a nice breakfast. She wants to tell you about her day. And you're like, you're like, you're like 10. You know what it is? Yes. You know what it is? You're like a guy in Western Cincinnati, dude. You got the itch. She wants to go to Eastern Cincinnati,

but you're a fucking dude from Western being like, she's like, dude, get off. Let me put it like this. When she's not here, I feel like a guy from Eastern Cincinnati. But when she's here, I definitely turn into Western Cincinnati. Gross. I get it. Okay.

So, Josh, give us the problem in terms of a question. and you got to steamroll man because we cannot stop to interrupt in you here because this is too good. No, I got you. I got you. So yeah, it's just too good, brother. But let's say just before I give the direct question, let's say that like when she comes a visit,

she stays for like two days. We'll probably, you know, engage in sexual activity one time in those two days, which is, you know, that's a pretty good number for just seeing her for two days. This is what I was saying before you rocked. If you guys were seeing each other... He's the rocket now?

Well, yeah, he's the rocket. He's the rocket. He has the rocket. Yeah, that's what I thought, yeah. This is what I was saying before, gentlemen, and I'm saying this to you, Josh. You guys have been together for a year and a half out of four dates.

You're only exploding twice. I think those numbers, I think the numbers are wrong. In the first year and a half, it's four out of four, Jack. When you guys were in the same city, I understood the 50%, but this is special times. And it feels to me like you got the rocket on the pad, you know, you fueled up.

She might not be attracted to you, Josh. Well, hold on. Hold on, hold on. I don't think that's what's going on. I'm saying this to as his friend. Let's just get the numbers up on the whiteboard. I love you, Josh. I love you like a goddamn brother.

We're attracted to you. I don't know what Jake's talking about. Josh, either way, one of us is. Look, at the end of this call, you might be dating one of us. But either way, let's get some numbers on the board here, Josh. So you're seeing her four days a month. Yeah. And you're having sex twice.

Two times? What are you doing on the other nights? Playing Scrabble? You know, maybe like watching a movie. Okay, but the number is two times a month you're having sex, right? Yeah, but hold on, Gareth. Josh. I'm flagging the number.

I know, and you should be flagging it. You go and see each other. You stay for two nights, correct? Yes. The first night, dinner, movie, whatever, sex, correct? Yes. Next night, you're watching a movie. Then you go, good night in her weird place in Columbus.

It's not a shared home. You're essentially in a hotel room, brother. We both know if you were alone in a hotel at the Holiday Inn Express, you'd be masturbating. so you lay there besides a fucking smoke show who you are crazy about wait for her to go to bed and then go like I'm having a hard time sleeping because I haven't masturbated

but you're not sleeping with each other that's not what happened I'm trying to have I want to have sex with her I'm trying to she's not as sexually active as me like she's she is a little more like she's still I'm her first partner okay so she's still like

Like getting comfortable with the whole thing. Okay. So she's an Eastern Cincinnati lady. For sure. Yeah. She's at prep school at Eastern Cincinnati. Okay, so you're the first. This is getting very interesting.

I can't even see straight after that. Okay. All right. So here's what's happening. So you were her first partner. Have you talked to her about this? Have you been like, have you said that sexually you're feeling like it's not where you would love it to be? I put the pressure. Oh yeah.

We've got very open communication. She's, yeah. And what does she say? But she's just like, like what I just said, like she's still so like. She's like, this is enough. Yeah, she's, yeah, like she's after the one time she's sexually satisfied for like a few days. If we saw each other. Go ahead.

Don't relate anymore. No, no. That's a spin. That's a spin. Can I ask you a question? which is what are you most attracted to? Is it, is it her, is it her, the way she looks? Is it her personality?

Is it some combination? Is it the way she moves? Is it what, like, what is it? Because I think, I think if you're feeling too much attraction, it's very helpful for us to know what exactly you're attracted to. That's just the problem, Dan, is that it's everything. It's like the way she walks. It's the way that her hips move when she walks.

It's how she talks to me. She's very, really Joe's on. You ever considered saying this with a guitar in front of you? I swear to God. This is the sexiest stuff I've ever heard. Playing with your rocket. I don't know what is wrong with her. I'm just going to be honest.

That's how I feel. I got to tell you, Josh, I've never been turned down like this in a call on my whole life. Okay, I'm going to take the wheel for a second here, Josh. Go ahead, Gerard. You're wearing her hips move. I mean, it's insane. It sounds like you're writing a Beatles song. Yeah, you are.

You're not like, it feels to me like when she moves, you go, mm-mm-mm. I do. Yep, I absolutely. Okay, see, I could imagine that is a problem right off the back. Josh, listen, if you wanted to open this relationship up, we all would join the relationship. So that's just, that's cards on the table, that's where we're at. But we are going to give pragmatic solves to this.

I'm going to give you two pitches. One is, why not just pitch another visit a month? And up this to six days. then you're kind of slowly easing into it. Because I think to Jake's point, seeing your significant other when you're that close, four days a month is a bit strange. So this might be a way to just kind of push a little bit

and see if she's like into that. If you get a little pushback, then maybe we're going in a little bit of the Jake direction. Can I add to that? I was actually going to say a very similar thing. It seems to me from the detailed, description you gave us about your experiences with her, like you're a sex on the first night with her person. And then the second night is we're watching a movie. I would say more visits,

fewer nights. I would do four one night visits instead of two two night visits. Now you've got four first nights. Your SPN is going up. That's sex per night. I know, but it's a lot of commuting. Do you think this guy doesn't want to commute? He's got the rockets all fucking, He'll get there, he'll get there in 15 minutes. He'll run there with a hard on for example. It's going mock seven. I mean, this guy. They're giving you some interesting stuff that I think will get more sex per month.

I want to give you a late. But it also gives you the idea of where she's at. Yes. I want to go in a slightly different direction. Go ahead. Dog shit bag. You take a little bit of fresh dog shit and put it in a little. You put it in a bag that's fully sealed, all right?

You get to her place She does something that you go You know Session those hips Instantly Take a fucking real smell of that dog shit And here's And Josh

I want you to go nose deep So it's almost touching the tip He's gonna be like a Coke head for dog poop Here's what's gonna happen Sneaking off to the bathroom to do a line No it's in a little bag in his pocket Here's what's gonna happen She goes like this

And I just drop some marred Let me pick them up and you're going to go, what? On all fours? And she's going to go like, there's marbles everywhere and I just finished Pilates. You're going to go, then dog shit. And you're going to go, take up all the marbles you want. No. Have you heard of a man called Pavlov?

Yeah. No, no. Here's what's going to happen. He does this. Then he's walking down the street. He smells dog shit. He's got an erection the size of fucking Florida. You're just training the man.

Okay, you're right. Which one's your dog? I don't have a dog. I'm just, I'm just excited. Is there, is there, is there, is there a thing? It's in Western Cincinnati, too. Is there a sign, do you have a grandma who's still with us? Yeah, I have one.

Okay. And does she wear like a signature necklace, a signature, a signature sweater? Does she have a signature haircut? Anything. Yes. What are you going with this? Where are you going with this? Like, she was signature.

Put her in your grandma. Yeah. You go, you get her the same sweatshirt as your grandma is. And you put it on her and you say, I got you a beautiful present. You put that on. Pavlov is also a slippery slope here now if you think about it. I agree. He's going to be.

And those old people's homes, those people party. They want a 25-year-old rocket. I do. All right. So, Josh, we've given you. some really bad ideas up to this point. Will you talk a little bit? And what do you think?

I mean, this is a really hard one, but where is your big dog? So I think Dan, because yeah, because I want to keep it, I want to keep the pitches towards the original question of like, like, you know,

me trying to have sex with her more. Like, I'm working on that on my own time. Okay. But in the meantime, while she's still not at my, like, sexual pace, let's say. I'm trying to like be respectful. and not like overwhelm her with my sexual energy, right?

Yes. Dan earlier said something about less nights, more visits, and I think that that might be a solution in terms of like, like it's a win-win, probably will have more sex in a month, and I won't be all over her while she's here. That's cool. Let me just pitch, because that's a clean win and we could do that. let's just pitch a little bit on other ways to potentially slow down your sex drive to her.

Have you ever considered, okay, have you ever considered? And you're not going to like this at first. And the other guys are going to tease me. I know the vibe of this call already. I know I haven't been in a great zone. I haven't been in a great zone, but I do feel like I'm climbing out of it. Okay. Have you ever considered?

I mean, you spent the first half trying to fuck the caller. Agreed. And that's what I'm admitting. I've had a bad call. All right, good. I've been thrown. when he said he's a rocket. Yeah.

I lost touch with reality. But this is me climbing out. All right, buddy. I want you to get on Amazon and buy a large boy's underpants. Jesus Christ, dude. What? This is your climbing out? You're digging, my man.

Stop it. Stop it. You can turn around. I'm back. I'm back. You're launching to the center of the earth. I knew you guys were going to do this. You're under water and you're swimming towards the depths.

I knew you guys were going to do this and that's not there. You heard what you said. Say what you said again. Imagine I said what you just said. I hear where you're coming from. I would attack. But that doesn't mean I'd be right to attack. All right.

I'm going to get some boys on your pants. Big boys underwear. Careful, my man. But I'm going to tell you why, Josh, because that's still a small man. And then I want you to put them on. And what they're going to do, Josh, is they're going to fit too tight. And they're going to, they're going to, like a snake and a squeeze you in a way where you go, I'm not comfortable.

I'll tell you if that area is all jammed up, it's not sexy. And maybe wear those unthinkably tight boy underpants while you're visiting her. You know, I think what Jake says is insane. but I think there's a kernel of truth. By the way, for those of you just listening, Jake, is nodding like he's not Jake. Go ahead, Dan. Okay, I think what we need to get at is what makes you uncomfortable. What makes you, like?

What don't you like? I have a thing with dairy. If I were to eat a large lasagna earlier in the night, I don't, I'm going to get bloated. I'm not going to feel like, I'm not going to feel like climbing on that rocket and counting down. So my question is, is that a thing you can do? Can you always show up with a large lasagna? Right. But, what's your large lasagna?

And for me, it's boys underpants. For Dan, it's large lasagna. Yeah, for most of us, it's more in the lasagna direction. Way more. The boys underpants might have the opposite effect. Yeah. Let me tell you. Jake's in Western Cincinnati.

He's still part of the team, but he's going through some shit over there a little bit. But so, Josh, what's, what? What's your lasagna? Well, real quick, I want to give Jake some credit on that because I actually walk around a lot of times, like, Commando. So maybe there's too much space for my guy. Who is this guy? Come on.

He's the man of all of our dreams. Every one of our callers, Josh, you are the hunk of the podcast. Jesus. You are every listener's dream. You want to do a calendar for us, my man? Yeah, we've never had a caller who is literally just a fantasy boy. And you don't have a chafing issue? There's no chafing.

You got a perfect... Oh, no. Listen, Jake... He's got a perfect... It doesn't chaf. It's perfect. It's perfect. It's leather on the outside.

This thing's awesome. Let's all be honest. We should all bow at what he's got in his pants. But that's not what his call is. But I do think definitely a little constriction is going to help. Yeah. So maybe it wasn't insane, guys. No, well, how about we just say get some underpants?

Yeah. He doesn't need to have Superman on him. Just some underpants that fit as a man. A man's pair of underpants. By underpants. But Josh, I'm going to tell you this, Josh. And this is coming from a guy who also used to not wear underpants. When it's just...

I thought that was an accident thing. Like, was that on purpose? What, you're saying I soiled my underpants? I had to take them off because I was out in public. I was guessing. I don't know. It happened 40 times, but that's not every time. Way more, by the way.

Keep going. 400. Yeah. Every time. Minervum. Every time. Every time I jumped. You know, I knew I liked you, Jake.

You and I are cut from the same cloth, but you're a rocket and I like launching them. It's why I quit jiu-jitsu. Let me finish. But Josh, here is the reality, brother. And now this is an older man to a younger man. If you're walking around with no panties under that denim, brother, that hog of yours is getting too much freedom. It thinks it's always party time. So you have to train the hawk.

So you know when you get like a new dung at first you put him in a cage and it sleeps in its little cage and after Don't give me that look, man, I'm cooking. No, no, you are. This is great. So we need to essentially, Josh, train the dog. Crate train your dog. Yeah. You need a dung trainer.

You need a dung crate. Part of it is it needs to be in the crate sometimes. So then that night, the first night, you can let it out of the crate. It's a wild dog. Give it a dog treat. What do you think about crate training the dog? I hear you guys. I hear you.

And it makes sense. But like, I love my hog. And I don't want to, I don't want to cage my hog. No, but Josh. Josh is. Would you run for president? How does that try a little? Not for president.

Can I just ask, like, I feel like this was such a critical piece of information, the free dong movement that you're a part of. Is there other stuff that's happening? Are you, like, taking Viagra before you go there? Like, what's interesting. He doesn't need it. I'm sure he doesn't. He eats healthy.

But seconds ago, we thought he had a normal dong to underwear ratio of one. And now it turns out it's zero. Yeah. Well, I also, just very quickly. That's true. Yeah. To what you highlighted before, Josh, was your health. the Dan's pitch of your lasagna is a good idea if you pasta up a little bit like you're too healthy

have sex carve up I think it is going to eliminate some of that too that's another workaround for this is the irony like you've worked for this body you you were blessed with the golden hog and it's it's backfiring on you that's the thing like if you were more of a work-a-day schlub with an average to sub-average hog you'll be a sex every night. That's what I'm doing. You know, have you ever thought about grossing yourself up a little bit, man? Like, like backing up a little bit? No, Josh, here's the truth. Here's the truth. And I do think we're getting close to something. I really do. What I really in my heart of hearts believe is I think you got to cage the dong a little bit. I think you got to start wearing,

and maybe it's not boy underpants. It's not. Okay. Maybe it's little, maybe it's little, maybe it's little underpants. Just tidy whiteys. Yeah. But Josh, I want, start with boxer briefs. Just anything. You know what I want you to do, Josh? I want you to get tidy whiteys.

Okay. Yeah. And I want you when you're visiting her, you're in tight underpants, brother. And I know you love that hog. And I know you don't want to keep it caged. But imagine if you adopted a dog and you love the dog. I got something for you.

The crate training is good. Go, Dan. This is, okay, you get tidy witties, you get normal tidy witties, you get a pack, what's in a pack, three pairs? Yeah. You get two packs. You put all six pairs on. And then one, you're getting constriction. Two, when the night happens, you take off your pants, it's a fucking magic trick.

You take off one pair. She's laughing her ass off. No, she's having a different reaction. She's exploding. She thinks it's a large. You're saying she could be. anticipation. She's getting, there are two things happening. The anticipation is insane. It's the way magic works. It's all about the build-off. One, two, she can't

believe it. There's still more underpants. You're still peeling on these off. And then the other thing that might happen is you might get turned off. You yourself might be like, oh my God, I'm wearing so, this is ridiculous. And she's, this isn't sexy. This isn't sexy. You're switching places is what's happening. So training places or, yeah, I mean, I love a version where you're taking off and she's putting it on and it's just an endless cycle, but that's insane. That's a different thing. A magic trick with nobody.

That's your fantasy. Yeah, that's just, forget that. Okay, so I think that's a decent idea, but here's the thing, right? Is that like, when she wants, if we get to that point, right, and she wants to have sex, I would love to have sex with her.

Garden insurance. But, hold on, Josh. You cut the knees off at that point. Josh, no, hold on, brother. We're there. Don't forget your 25-year-old rocket. So all we're trying to do is bring the rocket fuel down a little bit. Once that beautiful lady of yours gives you that smile and takes off her little sundress,

you're going to rip through six pair of men's underpants. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now, but the reality is if you're wearing multiple pair of tidy whitties and one of the creases is like hitting your thigh a little bit, one's got the side of your testicle in a way where you go like, It's like, you know what you're never going to do? Josh, you play sports when you were younger? Come on, absolutely.

Well, I knew that answer. Quarterback? You ever wear a cup, Josh? When I was a lot younger and I played baseball, yeah, but. Yeah, I'll tell you what's not happening when you're wearing a cup that fits this guy. That's the problem. We'll make you one. Send us a picture.

You know what's never happened in the history of cups? Interaction? Yeah. Boner. Jake is not wrong at all. You go, it's putting my penis in a position that my penis is being a trained dog and goes, I'm in the crate, I sleep. Or I lick this weird frozen peanut butter treat that my master gave me.

It's a muzzle. It's a dog muzzle. Yeah. The peanut butter thing is, yeah, but I think. I don't quite understand the peanut butter. Ignore the peanut butter part. He's cooking. Look, he dug himself out of quite a dish.

to come up with this cup stuff. Thank you. The comeback player award is given, okay? Thank you, Garrett, for noticing. Because you were getting text laughed at after I was going to get there with the undies, didn't we? I'm getting ahead of that for myself. Josh, Big Daddy, what are you going to do?

So I really like the, I think I'm going to do a combination here of pitches. I think I'm going to try the upping the visits, shortening them to one night only. And I think I'm going to, I think I'm going to cage the whole. I think I think I'm going to try. I think I'm going to try the route that you guys said where the multiple underwear. I don't really want to put a, I don't really want to put the guard on. I mean, you know.

Sure. That's fine. Hearing it back now, it's. What's the guard? The cup. Oh, yeah. No, don't put the cup on. That was just the example.

I think how many pairs of underpants are you going to wear, Josh? What do you guys think is reasonable? Maybe like six. So here's what you're going to do. You're going to wear the six. have some extras. If she sees them, I would be ready to say something, correct, guys?

I mean, that's a lot. You know what, Josh, you know what I'm going to really pitch? And yes, Gareth, he's got to have a line prepared. And it's not magic, Dan. He's not going to go, this is a magic trick. I'm wearing six-pair underwear. She might break up with him for having a nervous breakdown. Yeah.

But here's what I think you do, Josh. While you're driving there, no underpants in the car. Oh. When you get there, Regular Commando. Go to the bathroom. Three on. You want to know why?

Your dog is going to go, what the fuck is going on? I'm here. I'm ready to play. I've never felt worse. So it's not going to be thinking, I'm excited. It's going to be going,

I hate this fucking cage. Yeah. So all you're going to be thinking about when you're spending time with her is, I think they might have been joking. This is too many underpants. But what's going to happen, Josh, is we're not joking. What's going to happen is you're not going to feel sexual.

You're going to feel pain. Caged. Caged. Caged. Then later that night, what I would honestly recommend, if the vibe is going right, go to the bathroom, very normal to clean up a little bit before the act. We all know when it's going to be a movie and a sleep night. We all know when something's going down. Go in the bathroom.

take off the underpants. At that point, I don't like that. Well, you're now free in the dog. Don't do it in front of her ever, Dan. I think it could be fun to do it in front. But that's just a, you know her, you know what she's gonna like.

She might love the show. That's all I'm saying. Josh, would she like the reveal that you have on three to six pair of underpins? We're asking Josh. Nine if Dan has his full way. Josh, would she like three to reveal that you come out of the bathroom

with three to nine pair of? Underpass, ward on top of each other. Josh, it's a question to you. Neither of us have a dog in this fight. Real question to you? I would say that probably the first time she would find it really funny. But I think after that, going back to what Jake said, of taking them off in the bathroom,

because she does kind of like it when the pants come down and then there he is, you know. And it's not eight other pair of other pants coming on, one by one. Okay. So you need a place to hide in the bathroom. going to need a place to hide. Backpack. Backpack. So you think you should take a backpack into the bathroom. Josh, you go into the bathroom with your tiny underwear backpack. You bring your toilet trees in a backpack. You leave it in the bathroom. Because you just don't want her to go. Oops. I have to go to the bathroom. And then you don't want her to pop in. You don't want her to see this backpack. You don't want it. You don't want her to see this.

You don't want her to. By the way, Josh, lock the door. You don't. You don't want her to, by the way, Josh, lock the door. You don't want her to crack it open as you're taking off a pair of underpants. And you have six other ones still on. Josh, we got to go to you, brother. Walk us through. Now, this is a show called Real Solutions. So, Josh, please tell us what you're really going to do because it does feel like we're just goofing around here. But I swear, I truly believe this is going to work.

And this is a show about trying to help. So yes, this is a crazy pitch, but I'm telling you, man, if you cage that dog, it'll work. So walk us through what you're actually going to do. So, yeah, I'm going to keep my dog free when I'm not around her for the usual. But then whenever I get into close proximity to this absolute rocket, I'm going to cage my dog. And I'm going to put actually, I'm going to probably put them in multiple cages like. a Russian doll where it's like a bigger cage and a small cage. Yes.

All right. So Josh, you're going to do the underwear and we're going to up the visits? Yes. Yes. Decrease the duration, but increase the number of visits. Yes.

Free one. So, right. I think this is. And how can you pay the tab on this one? Is it a photo of you wearing a bunch of underpants from behind, from the side? We don't want to see your hog,

obviously. We don't want to see your face. Yeah. Is it a funny thing to see from behind a six spare underpants that we could post, John? We need something that's postable. We could, if you did a faceless and you felt comfortable, we could see the six from a wider shot. If you want, if not, I think just maybe a picture of the amount of underwear you're about to put on as good. Agreed.

And then I think a solid follow-up after the first- We need a follow-up. Wait, can I ask a question? Can you guys post a video at all, or is video not allowed? We're allowed. It's whatever Josh is comfortable with. What I would love is for your girlfriend, for you, for your girlfriend, you've seen in movies when it's like a romantic scene and they,

there's like the camera pans across a, like a shirt, a pair of pants, you know, then a bra, panties. If we saw, yeah, the credit sequence. It's a pair of underwear up on the stairs and then another pair and then another, and it's eight pairs of underpants and then she gets to you. We noticed the upgrade, Dan. All right. And if you get goes to you and you're in bed with the, with the, the bike,

it's coyly tucked under your chin and you go, hi, at the end, we know everything that happened. We know it was a success. True. The build is fantastic. That, to me, would be the ultimate. We don't have to see anything. We don't even have to see them on you. Dan is show running your underpants.

All right, Josh. Honest to God, man, how you feeling about this call? Where are you at, brother? I mean, actually, I mean, I'm definitely in a better place than where I started because I was honestly at a lot. Okay. Wait, one more question, though. So if it doesn't work, though, if I put on all the, if I cage the hog and then, but the hog still break through, I just call back. Call back.

Well, look, here's the reality, Josh. Here's the reality at 25, but it might not work. It might not. This might take multiple calls. This is just step one. I do think caging the hog is right. We can also go ice packs. We're going to, we can all go.

We're going to find stuff. I think it's stepwise. This is like a cereal-style podcast. It's like a dietary allergy. We're just going to figure out what it isn't to land on what it is. And because I work with Dan, it's not going to be hard to do. We'll work with Jesse and Natalie. And then Dan will be here for all the follow-ups.

This might be its own little saga, but we will get to the bottom of it. This could be its own spin-off podcast. 100%. Josh and the Golden Dog. Or the Rocketeer. We could call it the Rocketeer. Absolutely. Josh, please follow up with us ASAP, brother.

Yeah, later today. This is a very relatable problem to me, not to Gareth and Dan as much. Crazy thing to say, because we're all in the same team. We're acting like it's three men and a baby. And all the time and you guys are another team. You're sad. You're becoming sad. Josh, hang up.

I'm not getting it. Hang up. Love you. Bye, Josh. Bye, Josh. Thank you. Love you. Bye.

Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu. Yep. We are also having our back catalog is going to be on Hulu. We're going to be about 20 at a time. So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu.

Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies? No, and you can get season one, season two. We're going to have a nice melange on Hulu, but the day early. I mean, there's a lot of advantages. Here's another thing. Here's another thing. people going, well, I don't have Hulu.

You got YouTube? Because we're there, too. Yeah. Hulu a day early. YouTube for stragglers. And also, you go, I don't have that. Well, we got Patreon. Yeah. And they go, I don't have that.

What do you want? Yeah, okay, Jake. We're trying to be inclusive and you're yelling at them. But I think you're right. It's just, look. Watch this show anywhere. There's a lot of options. Hulu's early.

Hulu's early. Audio day of, YouTube day of, Patreon, no ads. Here's the way to remember it. Hulu, new, so Nulu. It's not the way to remember. They also have back catalog stuff. Okay, then that we call... Yeah, all right, it's falling apart.

We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please, email is your question at Helpful Pod at Gmail.com And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod

to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Foller. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike,

animations by Andrew Strelleck. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a hate gum podcast. Hey, it's Adel Rify. John Patrick Cohen. And Aaron Keefe. We're three improvisers who host Hey Riddle Riddle on the HeadGum Podcast Network.

On our show, we are on a quest to answer every riddle in existence, even though we're not smart. And we don't really like riddles. What becomes more useful when it's broken? Promises. Marriage. It's an egg. But we do like improvising. So we use the riddles as jumping off points to start completely made up scenes.

Okay, I want to see a scene. Adel, Aaron, you're both eggs and you're trying to make an omelet. Ow! Oh, my God, it hurts to become an omelette. His guts are all over the pan, man. Oh, you broke me open. Aaron, don't say that. Oh.

So join us. And guests like Janet Barney, Michael Hitchcock, Raker, and John Gabris. Subscribe to Hey Ritter-Riddle on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocketcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts, new episodes every Wednesday. Also, the Dallop's going to be on tour in early November, November 3rd through the 13th. We're going to be in Sydney, Melbourne, a couple times, Brisbane, Canberra, Adelaide, and Perth. Come join us. Go to dolloppodcast.com.