We're Here to Help - 332: Tooth-a-Thon & Vince, Whoa

Episode Date: October 12, 2026

Gareth and Jake distract a caller during a root canal. Then, they reimburse a thoughtful gift (this is only happening once).Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. And we are back. We are in an intro. Gareth has a mustache. We are talking to thoughts. Jesse, your thoughts first. Now married Jesse thoughts.

That's right. Oh, when did you get married, Jesse? The fifth. Wow. That's why he wasn't on like three recordings because he was getting married. How was it? It was awesome. Tell us about the wedding.

Get into the mustache. While you tell us about the wedding, you can think about what you're going to say. Garrett, let's go to Jesse. This is a bigger moment. You just did this. I know, but I didn't realize this was the first time we had him since his wedding. Yeah. This is Mr. Jesse Thirst.

We're just talking about pubes under your nose, brother. This changed. Off Mike Jake, way different. Jesse. Jesse, you talk now. You talk. Yeah, wedding was great. All of my loved ones were there.

It happens. I don't know. No Dan. No Danny Jay. No invite for Gareth. No invite for you guys. Sorry. I didn't get invited either.

Pretty small wedding. It was pretty small. Where was it? How many people? 120. That's not small. Where was it? Don't you tell me local, boy.

Yeah, no, it was in Kingston, New York. Okay, that helps. Central Powell would have been involved. How were your vows? I cried a lot. You did. Yeah, I cried a lot. So did I.

It's hard. There's a lot that he didn't come to us for any input. You know what I mean? He's sitting here with two gurus. Two problem solvers. So how quickly, Jesse, you're standing up there. Yeah. She starts walking down.

on the aisle. Tell me when the waterwork started. Immediately. Same. Same? It's too much. Yeah, it's too much. Yeah. I was like, oh my God. The whole thing's too much. And then the moment I started talking like for the actual vows, I was like, oh, God, I might

not make it through this. Like, oh, fuck. This is harder than I thought. Yeah. Yeah. And then I, you know. I get this. You pulled it together.

Pulled it together. Give us a taste of the entire thing. How Jesse gives vows. Give us a little flavor of who's. sweet Jesse is. We could all close your eyes and pretend we're that beautiful bride. Oh my God.

That lucky girl. Thank you for closing your eyes, Gareth. I've been there for a while. When I said we're going to pretend to be that beautiful girl, Gareth's eyes closed. He's never listened to me in my life. Well, problem solvers.

It's a new era. Go ahead. I'll close it to. Gareth. We are those beautiful girls. We're in that beautiful dress. Give us some flowers. Everybody, everybody listening.

Close your eyes unless you're driving. Even if you're driving closing. Don't close them if you're driving. I agree. Jake and Gareth. You know, I don't want to say my actual vows. Give us a taste, you selfish bastard.

I want to do everything with you. Same. For the rest of my life. I got to feel the same fucking way. Gareth, stop responding. I know. If I'm Gareth is the bride, I'm out. Keep going, Jesse.

You look so beautiful with that mustache. Oh, you say that now that I'm out. What's your deal? No, no talk about our looks while I'm up here. What's your deal? You bitch, Jesse. You just be efficient. You don't talk to my man like that.

You do not talk to my man like that. Keep going, Jesse. This is when the waterworks start. I know. Natalie, how hard did you cry at your wedding? Not at all. I was math. I've cried once, and that was the day I realized I can't get away from this guy.

The other two times I cried when my kids were born because I went, now I'm stuck. I tried to jump out of window, but it was sealed. Did you cry at your wedding? Of course I cried at my wedding. I'm a big cryer, actually. You are? Mm-hmm. When was the last time you cried?

Probably like last week. About? I don't know. TMI. I was on my period. I don't know. It was emotional. Gareth, go on, girl. We support your experience there, and it's just such bullshit the way that that's worked out. I think every woman deserves a huge debt of thanks and gratitude for having to go through that.

You're having your period, too. And I've been so bloated. My mustache feels like it weighs 30 pounds. And, girl, I can't stop eating tater chips. And, girl, you've been moody as hell. Oh, shut up. Emotionally, you've been all over the place. I'm sorry.

I'm dealing with a lot of stuff lately. I know you are. I got something that happened yesterday. I was with Eve. We went out to a little breakfast place, and then we went to a little place to mail something. And there was a woman in there. She was of around our age,

probably younger than Gareth and I, probably around Natalie Jussie's age. And she goes, hey, just listening to the pot in the car. I love it. And I go, oh yeah, she goes, it's a lot of fun. That's great. And I was like, thanks.

Now, you're with Eve. Yeah. Any reaction to that from her? She was still in the car. No, she was in the, she's going through a very positive stage. Great. Really quickly. And then let's get out of this intro.

Gareth had a great idea that I think we do now. My mother was on the phone. Natalie, I'm going to send it to you. Mm-hmm. Does anybody want to have any fun in Photoshop different? Gera said she looked like a soldier in a war. She looks like she's in a foxhole calling for munitions. And so if anybody want to Photoshop's different things on,

you can put her at a concert. Lots of stuff. You can have her ear bleeding. What happened in real life was we were a little dumb. She took a call. She said, should I go outside or do it? here. It was an empty restaurant. It was quiet. It looks, there's nobody

around it. It was almost like they hadn't fully opened yet. It was that vibe. So I go, mom, just take the call. I think it's fine. She does one of these and I snapped a photo. She flicked me off, got a little upset with me for good

reason. Sure. And now in looking at it, I do think she should have like a Vietnam helmet on that says like peace with a pack of Sigs here. or World War II one. Or like a sort of medic helmet. He's down.

He's down. He's down. So what we could do is we could, will you post that really fast now? I just sent it to you or just show us the thing. And then what we could do is we could present them to Eve. That's great. If we put that on socials and we have,

people can just rip it and just email. us options, we can go through it for an intro and pick a winner and that's presented to Eve as the winner. It's amazing. Everybody, enjoy some ads. And we are brought to you by Zeni. Okay, I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to be honest with you.

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capable device required, availability, speed, and coverage varies cementmobile.com. Hello. Hi. How are you? I'm doing okay. Take it away. What is your issue?

What is your name? And we're going to try our hardest to get you out of this fucking muck, okay? Okay, thank you. What's your name? Okay, so my name, my name is Ella. Ella? And I'm from New York. Where in New York, Ella?

Queens. What part of Queens? Brush Meadows. Beautiful. Ella from Queens, what the fuck is going on today? Okay, so basically, I need to get a root canal done because my tooth has been absolutely killing me. And I reached out to a family friend who, his uncle is an endodontist.

And he agreed to give me like a really good price, which is good because I'm like really broke right now. Yeah. And so he called me and then so I called him. He called me. We kept missing each other's calls. And then he left me a voicemail and I pressed play. And the first few seconds of it is him just fully peeing with no talking for like at least three to four seconds. What?

him fully paying. So he called me midstream. Holy shit. And like I'm so disturbed. Like is it because he's giving me a good price that he's not treating me like the other client? I don't know. But are you?

This is insane. So he calls you while pissing. Pisses for a while and then just starts talking. All right. So we're going to listen to it. We can't for some reason play this for the audience. Don't play it because I can't ruin this for myself Alright can we play

Can we play just the pissing Can you play just the pissing? I mean if you catch it right I don't want his voice in it out of it won't be Play the piss All right so let's hear this thing You gotta get it fast Okay because it's like right at the front

Oh my God Oh my God It's dribbling He's dribbling he called you he took a piss break he flushed there's the flush

he flushed my god he's washing his hands which is good and crazy he's washing oh my god I'm glad he's still washing his hands though

same he's still talking is there anything else he's now drying his hands in the background okay so this is a big problem. Oh my God.

Okay, Ella, I get it. But it needs to yeah, this is a big problem. He cannot hear. No, no, no. We won't play that. Just to the audience really fast, what happens is,

is the dentist called clearly. He says he can't call while he's working. He's obviously busy. He's pissing at the beginning. It's a very short piss. Then you hear, strong. But then you hear while he's talking

a few dribbles that go in the toilet. Yeah. Then you hear. a little bit after the toilet flush while he's talking and giving her advice, then you hear him washing his hands, then drying his hands. It's a minute and 30 call. He's very clearly on break at work. He's taking a piss.

He's doing it. He's not hiding it. No. That is shocking to me. It's crazy. Walk me through then. If I were you, I don't know how I would have reacted. In my opinion, so far, it's disqualifying, but keep going.

I don't know if I feel comfortable with the guy going on my mom, pulling the teeth out, but here's the thing, Gareth. He's given a good price. Yeah, I know, but it's, it's unfortunately that is, well, keep going, Ella, and then I tell you why. I mean, that's crazy. That is fucking crazy. Imagine your doctor calling you while taking a piss? No.

It's crazy. But he's also a family friend. Still, I wouldn't call. There is a short list of people. You don't know him, Ella? That's fucking. I don't know him. I don't know him.

Like, I know, like, his nephew was like a family friend, but he's not. And Ella, is he connecting you to the dentist or is he the guy who's going to pull the teeth? No, he's going to be deep in my mouth. Nope. No. Okay. Keep, keep filling in the picture. But he's a weird.

He's a weirdo. Tell them when your appointment is and what your specific problem is. Okay. So basically, so I have an appointment with him coming up on September 9th. I am going to be under lasting gas. And I'm so scared. that I might bring up the peeing or start laughing uncontrollably. And he's going to be,

he's going to be deep in my mouth, like, intimately in my back molar for, like, many hours straight. And I'm so scared that I'm going to be like, oh, I heard you pissing, by the way. Or just, I'm not going to be so in control of my thoughts under the laughing. Oh, my God. So. This is an actual. This is a banger.

Because we all remember David from the dentist, the kid. I mean, people come out of dental surgeries. and are insane when they are put on this shit. Okay, so this is a real pickle. Yeah, so my question, my main question is, how do I train my mind not to think of my endodontas peeing when his hands are in my mouth for those three hours? Jesus Christ, Al-A!

You're asking us to be God! This is like born identity stuff. Ella, do you need my weird uncle? Ella, do you know how stupid this show is and how stupid Gareth and I are? You're asking us to do hypnosis on you. You're going to be in laughing. You're going to be on drugs. You called in.

He's going to be in your mouth. Your brain's going to go, bro. Then you're going to go, remember when you're pissed on the call? And then he's going to go, you're going to go, Number one you peele. To be honest, Ella, and I'm glad you called, obviously. But the fact that you called, it's only moved up in your brains. It's like, it's worse.

The call's worse. I mean, the calling is worse for the, I'm being honest. I love you, and I'm, we can pitch. But. Okay, so Ella, but here's what I need help with before we pitch. Because Gareth is right. Okay. I can't just pitch for the sake of pitching.

it's got to be based in something I think we can help with. What is he doing? So, first of all, you came into the bar. I got to ask, is there any other thing we could do besides have this doctor go in your mouth? What do you mean by that? How good of a fucking deal are we talking? I mean, it's normally, it's like middle of the city, like New York City, Manhattan, and like on really expensive blocks.

And it's like normally like around 3.5K. And he's doing it for me for like a thousand. Okay. Well, how about, okay, it's a big discount. But what about other dentists? You don't have to go on. It's also time. It's coming soon, which is good.

How about other dentists? And I'm in so much pain. Okay, I understand. Okay. Shit. Yeah. Okay. So.

Wow. I cannot believe that I cannot believe. I've got a question for you. Are you allowed to wear headphones during the procedure? Yes, you are. That's a good call. Yeah. Okay.

So what we might do is make a recording for you right now, the three of us, we're going to talk to yourself. You're going to Bill and Ted's it. you're going to talk to future you. And so while it's happening, you could put this on loop, okay? Okay. And in it, we're going to acknowledge the reality, because if you try to not acknowledge the reality of something,

it's going to burst out of you like a volcano girl. Okay. You ever tried to keep a secret at the wrong time? It explodes out of you. Especially with this shit. It's like truth serum. It is essentially she's got the big, the fucking dude,

pissed on a voicemail. She doesn't know him. She's trying to keep it a secret, and then she's going to go in there and take truth serum. Gareth, really quickly, you're her? What would you do? Hey, I'm Dr. Mortenstein,

and let me get into your mouth a little bit here, and let me put the laughing gas on you, okay? Okay, there you go. Okay, you'll be feeling a little bit high in three, two, one. Very strong. strain. I think it is

that fast. I agree. I don't think that's an exaggeration. I agree. Especially with calling the show. Again, we can't put the genie back in the bottom. I will honestly do a not heightened version.

What I think would happen. Three, two, one. Okay, you should feel it now. I heard you pee on a call. Oh, I don't feel my mouth, but I heard you pee when you called me. Can I?

I think that's what would happen. We're going to, we've got two options. I think the option Jake's pitching is right. Okay. But I just want to get out there. There's also the option where you just say to him, hey, I heard you pee on the call. Thanks so much for doing this. I don't hate it.

You just overly get it out. Wait, I have an idea. Leave him a message about deployment while you're taking a shit. Oh my God. Or pissing. No, it goes like this. Okay, it goes, beep, and you hear this. Hey, so I'm just calling about the ninth plop.

So, I just want to make sure I, so I don't eat four hours before. Or throwing up. But, and then just going, but thanks so much. Sorry, I'm at work. I can't call while I'm at work either. I can't, I can't always reply. Hand wash. He also sounded so put out.

I can't always be, I'm not always available as he's jerking his penis with P. I mean, that is fucking, this man went to dental school. There's other terms to use there, Gareth. I agree. Jirkin was the wrong word. Yeah. Trying to move away from it. So.

It's crazy. What do you think? We've got two roads to go down. One. No, three roads. One. Hey, I just want to say, I heard you pee on the call. Who cares?

I just wanted to get that out in the open. And moving on. Two, call back while you're pissing. Three. create audio that you listen to on loop and you tell him, sorry, I'm going to do a little bit of a meditation. And this is a guided meditation because I'm feeling nervous.

I think that that one makes the most sense. Okay. Because I can't ruin this for myself. And there's a follow up. Okay. So it's like I can't, I can't ruin it. Oh, follow up with him.

Like it's a two part. It's a two part procedure. Okay. I can't ruin it. Let me, let me add a little. Another option on this is what we could do some version of, we could have her linked up to Patreon through her phone and Amy,

because it says it takes about 60 to 90 minutes, Amy could host a little Patreon thing where that is going the whole time, trying to distract her. So it's a little interactive, but it's more in your head just keeping you on track. But who, so would it be you on with her? It would be maybe Amy, maybe Berg joins a little.

Maybe we just. It's like a telethon. Exactly. A tooth athon. And you know what we do? We make videos and we have people submit videos. Yes. To keep her.

Yes. We try to make 90 minutes. We make an event out of your root canal. We're having a root canal day. Because we would do this with the main show audience, but on the ninth we don't have time for people to call in. Yeah. But we can post.

a part of this right away. Yes. So what do you think of that? We will make you a 90-minute telethon-like special. Yes. What do you think of that as a thing? Wait, so explain that part again.

So here's what it is. This is simple. So you're going to get, you're going to go in there with headphones and you're going to have a audio file. As soon as it starts, you tell me you go, hi, you go, I'm a little bit nervous, so I'm going to just listen to this podcast.

I'm going to try to listen pretty loud. So if you need anything, but I'm really nervous. Close your eyes. Maybe even put a sleep mask on. So you are disconnected from the moment you are in. Turn the volume really up. We are going to make a 90-minute thing for just you. And you are not allowed to turn it off until it is done.

Okay. We could also, we could have you directly. It could be live on Patreon. And we could have you live on Patreon in there, just muted, or maybe not. But we can have a little bit prepared and Amy can sort of host. Berg can join. I can pop in. Okay.

And we do it live. Yeah. But the only problem with the live is if something technically happens bad. Yeah, I agree. Then she's in a real, this is a real danger zone. So I do like the idea of. of having something locked in place so she can test before.

Yep. And we'll get a lot of callers. We'll get Patreon members to like send little things in. So they'll be reassuring. Yes. So what do you think of that as an idea? Is that something you would do? And is that something you think would work?

Yes. That's definitely something I would do. And I think that I can't believe that I didn't think of headphones this entire time. This is why you guys are amazing. I literally, I can't believe I didn't even think of that. So, yes, that sounds perfect.

Okay. Then I could just block him out, pretend I'm like nowhere near him. It's going to be like a sound of the drills. And it'll be like a motivational, specific get you through this thing. So why don't we do this, Gareth, the three of us, you included, let's start the video and intro it. This is what we could send to Amy to post to start getting submissions. and then when you're in there, you're going to hear this again.

And we have under a week. So next Wednesday, or next Friday you're getting it. Does that make sense, Alan? Oh, no, next Wednesday. Yeah, yeah. All right. So, Ellen, chime in on this too. This is the beginning of the meditation.

Is that what we're calling it, the meditation? What do you want to call it? Sure. I like the... You can do something better, Gera. Well, we could do the meditation. We could do the meditation. we could do the tooth athon.

Toothathon. Okay. Well, this is the tooth athon. Okay, so we're going to intro it. Okay. In three, two, one. Welcome, Ellie, to the 2026 tooth athon. Our friend Garfie sex is going to tell us a little bit about what it's all about.

No, Ella, don't mind the nickname. It's an homage. to Raygun's husband, who's my doppelganger. Ella, what we're going to do here is we're going to coach you through this. Obviously, there's an elephant in the room, and we don't want to pet it. So right now, we're going to walk you through... There's definitely an elephant's trunk in the room, dribble, dribble. Nah, careful, don't say jerking.

What we're going to do is we're going to offer up a lot of healthy distractions here because we know there's something you specifically don't want to say, and we're not going to say it. And also, Ellen, you, my dear, are on... So feel free to talk to yourself, Ellen. Ellen, anything you want to say to you at the beginning of the tooth of on? Yes, you're going to get through it. Yes. It's going to go by quickly.

Yes. And you're just going to think of happy thoughts. And it's going to be okay. And you're allowed to have a little bit of smile, have a little bit of fun. But what we're thinking about during this is that you're, You are wrong. So what we're asking people to do is submit nice, healthy, distracting videos that you would offer Ella during her root canal. Should we say what she doesn't want to talk about to the people?

I think we can. Okay. Because, guess what, Ellen, you can be aware of this because there's no fear because you're not going to say anything out loud because you're in this headspace. The world of the tooth of thaw! So right now, what is happening is Ella is trying not to bring up the fact that the gentleman who's giving her a great deal on a root canal unfortunately left her a voicemail while taking a naked gun-esque loud piss. And he left in the dribbles, he left in the peeing, he washed his hands, he dried his hands,

and he acted like nobody could hear it, and we could. And Ella does not want to bring that up to him while she's drugged. So like you're just trying to keep someone awake through sleep deprivation, we have to keep her entertained so that they're subconscious at no point says, hey, I heard you piss. So that is slipping away. Ella, you can see that story fading away. And I'll tell you what's fading in.

And that is this quick story from our Patreon members. Take it away. Go, Amy. So then there's going to be cut in. we'll jump in a little bit, but we'll keep that vibe. And that's going to fucking do it, Ellen. Okay. Yeah, that, I mean, that definitely sounds like it's going to be a great distraction from, you know, from what's going on.

And hopefully I won't think of it. I just won't think of it. So here's the other thing, Ella. There's going to be, and I say this now, because I've been helping my daughters with history homework. And the way they do it now is you watch a video and then the video stopped and there's a Q&A. You know what we're going to do for the follow-up, Ella? First of all, you're going to make a promise to not only Gareth and I, but the community. I don't know if you know this, but we got people in Thailand who listen to this show.

So right now you're talking about seven people in Thailand, okay? So just realize it's a little bit bigger than just your little apartment, okay? Seven people might be the same person listens a lot or might be different people. But this ain't just about you now. It's about the community. Okay, so make a little promise. You will not listen to this tape before and you will not listen to this tape after. Is that a deal?

It's a deal. You're only allowed to listen while doctors' hands are near your mouth hole. Is that a deal? Okay. Yes. Here's the next part of the deal. There's going to be three questions. that happen throughout this tooth athon.

You need to get them all right. If you do, we'll send you some fucking merch and stuff from the show. If not, you need to make a 15-minute no-edit's apology video. Well, Pina. You are so sorry for wasting the time of these beautiful Thai people in the gorgeous country of Thailand. Because you, New York, Ella, with your Manhattan dentist,

don't value them. So you better, while you're in it and you're on drugs, you fight, girl, to stay focused. Because there will be in the middle of it. They'll go, question number one, Ella, are you focused here? And there'll be a question. But you got to get three right.

We might give you five questions, so you'll only have to get three out of five. Oh, I'll tell you what. It could be good to have Steve Berg host all three questions for us. That could be great. And easy questions. Yeah. I'm locked in.

When those drugs hit, those are meant to numb you. You keep that brain tight, girl. Okay, so it's 90 minutes. You're going to get 90 minutes. You're going to get three questions. If you don't nail the questions, you are going to send us an apology. You're going to start playing it right before he gives you the gas.

Yes. And you are going to keep them in and say you're doing that because you have a low threshold from pain and you need the distraction. But we all know the real reason is because he took a heavy streamed piss and we don't want to talk about it. Alan, Ella, how do you feel about this plan? I feel like it's definitely,

I mean, way, I had no plan in mind. So this plan seems perfect to me. I mean, I think that having some motivation and tooth-a-thon meditation type of deal and not have to just zone out. Now, let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. You're out there in Queens. Does this feel like There's problems

Been banging in between your ears You don't know what to do And in the corner There's a little bar It's a dive bar for the neighborhood You don't go there With people who aren't in the neighborhood It's kind of gross

And the bathrooms have never been cleaned There's like that one weird 80-year-old guy Who's like kind of violent Sometimes he has a shirt off Is he without a home? Talks to the checks mix Yeah and the bartender's cool

Everyone's while there's like a younger one, but mostly it's the same like older guys. And that one older lady who wears the tank tops was weird. The TV, what is that? From 2004, it's a disgusting old box. Music, it's in and out. Do you feel like you walked in that bar? You saw in the back, your uncles were sitting there just ripping merit cigarettes. In some debate with each other while drinking essentially Miller Light on tap.

and they're munching on some version of bar food, but not from the kitchen. They got like, you know, like whatever chips they had, some jalapeno cheap generic brand. Nine bags of chips. And you walk up and go, hey, guys. And they go, hey, honey, how you doing? And you go, I got a problem.

Does it feel like you went in there and now as you're walking out of the bar, you go, my uncles took good care of me, I'm in a good shape? Or do you feel like this is going to be weird and I don't know if it's going to work? I feel like I put my trust in my uncles and they delivered. I feel like they delivered. Well, that's because the premise of the show works.

Yeah. And I'm going to tell you, Ella, I'm very confident this is going to work for you. It is going to work, Gareth. It is going to work, and it is worth saving the money from the dentist who had a heavy stream to piss. You saved $2,400 bucks. Yep. Exactly. And I need that for rent.

Fuck, yeah, you do. Now, do us a favor. You know, buy us a round of drinks. Guess what? I lost a fortune at the track, honey. We're not, speaking of which, you're talking to two uncles who need root canals themselves. I mean, look, your uncle Garfi sex isn't even wearing her shirt anymore.

You can see the white deodorant chunks in my armpit when I raised my hand for more booze. And if you look closely, Uncle Jakey's not wearing shoes. His feet are kind of dirty and muddy. And they got that like swollen ankle thing where you're like, ooh, don't look at his left leg. You see a little blood on Uncle Jake's foot. You go, oh, are you bleeding? And he goes, not mine. So, Ella, please follow up.

And we'll put you in touch with Amy and we'll get all this set for you. I can't wait. All right, okay. So sometimes have these sessions. Okay. The things I call Amy with. me up at night anymore. No, it won't.

You are going to get through this. But also, you don't have to think about it again, because this is going to be fixed. I got this. I got this. All right, Ella. Okay. We'll be in touch. All right.

Thank you guys so much. Okay. Go get them. All right. Bye. And we were brought to you by sweet, sweet quince. Quince, the best. I talk about quince all the time.

I'm not kidding. People are sick of me. But they also. I love how I look, and that's because of quince. You're going to find these pieces that you're going to put in your closet, you're going to keep going to keep wearing that. I'm going to wear that, but it's not redundant. They fit together.

They're not, I mean, I have so many jackets from quince, so many sweaters from quince, so many pairs of pants from quince, so many t-shirts from quince. It's quince. I wear a lot of quince. I wear a lot of quince. A lot of times you're going to see Gareth and I in quince shirts. Why? Because they're comfortable.

I also wear some pants I got from quince. Quince is a perfect mix because it's comfortable enough. to feel casual, but it's nice enough to feel professional. And that's the mix for me. I need a mix. Quince is the mix. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to Quince.com slash here to help. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. It's now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Quince Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash here to help. And we are brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. Squarespace. Come on. You know what I mean? Talk about websites. Squarespace has got them.

Listen, we're here to help. That's the show. Squarespace has helped the show many, many times because you can build your own customizable website. Whatever your product is for, whatever you're trying to sell, whatever you're trying to get out there, Squarespace is the way to do it to make it look legitimate, to make it look good, to make it look professional. But without all that work and stress that would probably come with doing that 10 years ago. I have a couple different websites. I have my personal one, I have one for my podcast, the dollop, I have one for my film. They are all Squarespace websites because they just show you the easiest way to do it. You build your website so quick, your head's going to be spinning. If you want to do online payments, on brand invoices,

all these things, Squarespace makes it easy. It is the best place to be starting your business. You're not a legitimate business until you're using Squarespace. They have cutting edge design, the SEO tools. I'm crazy about search engine optimization. It's important. people. Okay, Squarespace is helping you do that, helping you get higher up in those searches, so people find you easier. And when they do find you, they see a professional Squarespace website with all the things they need right there. Head to Squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 50% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code Gil sent me. Also, the Dallup's going to be on tour in early November, November 3rd through the 13th.

We're going to be in Sydney, Melbourne a couple times. Brisbane, Can Amber, Adelaide, and Perth, come join us. Go to dolloppodcast.com. Hello. Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you?

Great, thank you. Can we get your name, please? I'm going to go with May. May, where are you calling from? I'm calling from North Carolina. Beautiful. How old are you? If you're comfortable with that.

29. 29. May, North Carolina, 29. We're going to jump right in. You got Jake, you got me. What the hell is going on? All right. So I work for an architecture firm, and I do marketing and pursuits.

And as the majority demographic of architects are old white men, I work with them a lot. Sometimes they don't love it, but I do love weird, grumpy old guys who remind me of my papa. So I do tend to bond closely with them. One of these men is, let's call him Vince. He's probably my current favorite weird old man. He's like late 60s, hippie vibes, like really kind and mellow. So last month we were working on this really grueling pursuit and had to pull a lot of overnights and early mornings.

And we finally got it wrangled into shape and he thought that this warranted a gift. But he lives in Canada and I live in the U.S. So getting the gift to me was kind of complicated. At least he made it pretty complicated. So he's had to ship this gift two times to me already because he's messed the address up both times. And I just got another email or like a notice from the post office that says that he's messed the address up again and has to resend it to me.

And I didn't want to tell him because he has taken it really hard every time I've told him that he's kind of fucked us up. So I told the company that he sent the package from directly and tried to just reroute it. And they want a ton of money because it's an international. package that has to be reshipped. So he's asking me pretty much every single day if I got the gift yet and I don't have the hurt to tell him

that he got this address wrong and has to send it back to me for a third time. He's like waiting on pins and needles for me to tell him that I got this gift but I just, I don't want to give him the power back. He's going to screw it up again. So I guess my question summarized is how can I resolve this weirdly stressful

situation without involving him and just either get the money back to him, get a gift or something. How much is the shipping? I actually don't know. So the standard shipping is it's 25 and then there's like a reshipment fee on top of it. I want to say it's going to be less than 100, but more than 50. Okay.

So I know what to do. Go ahead. Is it a post office? So he sent it via FedEx, but the issue is that we moved. So we sent it to my. office and he didn't ask me what the office address is. He just Googled it and that's where he got it wrong the first time. And then the second time he actually got it right, but we hold our packages at the post office no matter what. And our office coordinator has to be the one that goes to check.

So I can't even do it. My pitch is going to be that we have, we make a fake voicemail from FedEx to you taking ownership over the problem, apologizing and saying we need to tweak the address. It's something that's been happening. There's been a glitch with our system. We're sorry. We FedEx, we're going to eat the cost. And then you may, you're going to pay for the cost and make him feel like it is not something he did, but a problem with FedEx. And they're going to take care of it. Okay. So I'm paying for the reshipment and then you guys are going to give me a voicemail and I'll just send him the voicemail. Yep. You're going to send him a voicemail where it sounds like FedEx is owning it and you're going to be able to the same team it with him and you got your scapego, which is the fake FedEx. Okay. Let me make this easier. There's no way we think we can get out of this without me pay.

Let me make this easier. I have a different pitch. Go. Yeah. It's not going to be a lot of times people go like, well, some people aren't going to like this. But I got the pitch and I know it's going to work. So you can contact the post office and you can take over. You can get it to you. You just have to pay the fee, correct? Right. And it's under $100.

And it's because there's an old guy who's bonded with a cool younger coworker, but he keeps screwing up this thing and he's getting pissed and it's rooting the fun of it. Yeah. I just, he's like so stressed at work. No, I get it. So here's what we're going to do right now. Can't do it. What's your Venmo?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And we're going to beep this out. You just pay him for it? Yeah. This is why. Hold on.

What's the Venmo? We're just doing this really fast. There's going to be no other to talk about that. Hold on. At. That M-E-G-H-A-N. H-A-N-H-A-N-D-Sh. Hold on.

Jesus Christ. And so you said it's under $100? Yeah, I think it's like, I want to say it's like 60 bucks. Okay. And that's not that much, but like, hold on. Megan, Megan. For old. We're going with me.

Old grumpy men. What I'm doing right now is I'm going to pay this forward, because at some point this is going to happen to me. And so this is, I'm putting this in the karma jar for old men who are trying to do something cool. This is, so, Megan, check your, check your Venmo really fast. You're suggesting that future Jake is going to be in a conundrum similar to this. And I'm going to be saying, you got it? So now what I want you to do right now, Megan, is contact the post office.

Okay. Pay for it. Get the package and follow up with us how happy Vince was when you loved it. And then send Vince a video of you loving the gift. I will. I know what the gift is because he sent me like an invoice for it. And he like redacted the payment info. It's like a wine and cheese box.

So send him a little video on me like drinking the wine. And for us, send us the gift of you, the video of you with the wine and the cheese. a lot of fun. Is it just wine and cheese or there's some other stuff in the? How long has it been sitting at the place? That's my way. That's what I thought so. I'm like, I'm not eating.

I'll drink some wine. I'm not eating that cheese. You're going to fake eat the cheese. You're going to fake eat the cheese. And it's going to be the best. So here's what you're going to do because Vince is never going to know. You're going to open it and then you're going to put new cheese in it and hide it. On camera, you're going to take a zip of line, eat the cheese.

And you're going to say, Vince, you're the best. Whoa. You nailed this one. Whoa. You're going to go, Vince, whoa, 100% nailed it. Whoa. Whoa.

How long have been sitting at the post office? Okay. Oh my God. He's done it like the middle of August. It was been over a month. So get cooler months. It's humiliating. You haven't been the post office in August?

Yeah, he's not in North Carolina. She's a one fan. It's humiliating. I'm not, it's fine. You don't need that cheese. Just Vince, whoa, you nailed it. Thank you. And then you go like this, perfect gift.

Yeah. He'll go like this. He'll get it and just go like this. He's going to be walking around for the next 48 hours. Longer. So happy. You know what happened to me with bad gifts? This is a true story.

So Jesse Hodges, and we talked about it a little bit on this pod when she came on, we did maximum pleasure guaranteed. She's the best. She plays Mallory, my new wife, so fun to work, was so talented, great. She and I became good buds. We had an inside joke that was so long-winded that was about me flirting with Emma Stone that nobody wanted about how I'm half Jewish and half not and my blood is cut perfectly based off the guy on the lion's dad who has, you know, Amman, St. Brown.

Yeah. And his dad doesn't want his kids getting married to white women because they don't want to cut the perfect blood anymore. So, like, we were just laughing about how funny that is. And so we had a quote while we were texting bits back and forth where it would be like me going to Emma Stone and going like, yo, M. Like, it's your man, J. Money. Like, I got that perfect cut blood and whatever. It's too long. But she and I were laughing.

Uh-huh. So as a rap gift, I got that put on a sweatshirt. for her. Oh, okay, yeah. And I thought she was going to love it. I gave it to her and she read it and goes, what is this? And I go, oh, it's the joke. She goes, I know the joke. She goes, Jake, you just gave me garbage. I can't wear there. She goes, where would I ever wear this? Why would you spend the money on such a nice sweatshirt? Put this on a trash t-shirt. She's like, this is a nice quality sweater. I was like, well, I wanted you to have a nice sweatshirt. And it says, what? It says perfect cut, like, hey, M. It goes like, hey, M, it's your man, Jay Money. I got that perfect cup, uh, blood or whatever. And it's a paragraph. But tell you that. And she can't wear that. And she goes, it's unwearable. It's garbage. And she goes, I can't even wear this at home. She's like, you got me something that's going to go.

putting it on like Canva, making this sweatshirt at home, like, typing it on the computer. Yeah. It's really embarrassing. And so Vince, knowing I sent this woman cheese and wine, it sat in a hot post office until she went like this. Ew. Then it gets there and she's like, I'm throwing this fucking cheese out. And also, the wine wasn't cooled.

The wine is going to be vinegar. All the, no, no, no, no, it's what cheese it is. He sent you garbage. Yeah, he did. But again, this is what's great. He said expensive garbage. You're going to buy, Jake overpaid you, so you're going to buy yourself a nice bottle of wine and a little bit of craft. And you're going to sit at home and you're going to have two dummies.

And you're going to pour, and you're going to go, Vince. Whoa. I wrote Vince lowdown in my note. As you should. Vince, whoa. But then we want to see you eat a bite of the cheese and just be like, like, and then give me one. You nailed it.

Yeah, nailed it. Nailed it. A toast. Nailed it. A toast. A toast. A toast. A toast to you, Vince. Please do this. Really ham it up. Really ham it up. I can do that.

This is great. I can do that. Oh. You know what? We worked hard. We did good. A toast to you. A toast to you. And then we're going to let you go. But you'll call us back if this happens.

The only pitfall is, Vince goes, she loved it. I'm doing it again. If she does, Megan, if she does, Megan, hit me up on Venmo. Yeah. I got Vince on that. So you're saying, so wait a minute.

So you're saying in perpetuity. I'll do another one. Okay. There we go, mate. You got a weird-ass sugar daddy over here. Yeah. This is all I ever wanted. Well, you got it.

There's no Vince. All right. Thank you for the call. Follow up. And remember, Vince Woe. Thank you. It's so great. Bye. Vince. Whoa.

You guys just listened to this call with Vince Woe. Don't know what's going to be called, but we're going to go with Vince Woe. And please do not email the show expecting Jake or Gareth to pay for old man mistakes as your calling. problems. It's just not going to happen again. Okay? Thank you. Hello? Hey. How are you? I'm doing okay. Okay. Are you sure you sound a little down? No, I'm good. I'm good. I'm just overwhelmed. Um, because, um, yeah, I'm, what's up, Big No. I'm moving next week, so I'm very overwhelmed, but. Okay. That's tough. Hey, me too, big dog.

Jake's been moving for a year. But it's happening Monday, brother. Oh, join the club. Wow. So we know you're a... We know you're a follow-up. Yes. But that's all we know.

So what's your name and what was the first call and we'll get into it? So my name is Ella and my endodontes sent me a voicemail and he was peeing in the background. Oh, we did the... This is great. And the advice was the two-knit-on. recording. So your dentist was hooking you up with a root canal cheap. Yes.

When he left you a voicemail, he was not only pissing, he flushed and washed his hands during it. It's very off-putting, but you had to stick with it because it's cheap dental work. Exactly. Your fear and your question was how do you not bring it up when you're all dosed because they're obviously going to drug you for the root canal? And what we did was we did a Patreon special event where we gave you like three hours of something to listen to in your AirPods

while it was going on to hopefully distract you enough to not talk about the weird piss voicemail. Yes. And it was such a success. So there's a huge bell ring there for sure. But the only thing is, Gareth, I have to have a word with you because you tried to sabotage me. so many times repeatedly mentioning the peeing. So that was the only time I came back alive. No, to not go to not think about it. No, no, no.

I was like, come on, Eric. I will take that on the chin. That was a bad uncle moment for sure. That was, that was not right. It's a fun uncle. It's a funcle. It's different. No, no.

Look, I did sing a song at the very end for you. True, you did. I guess that made up, you got some point. The point is, how long did the root canal end up taking? It took, like, a little over the recording, but I just, like, repeated it. Oh, shit. So you listened to the whole thing, the whole time. I listened to the whole thing the whole entire time.

Yeah. The moment I put, like, I put my AirPods in, he probably thought I was, like, so unfriendly, low-key, but... Whatever. Yeah. But I was just, like, I'm going to listen to a podcast because I'm really anxious, and he's like, okay. It's an hour and 40 minute recording. Oh, my God. Yeah, I got some complicated teeth.

I don't know. I don't know. Wow, that's crazy. But it worked. It's a bell ring. Yes, yes. It definitely did work. I mean, obviously, like, I'm not 100% sure if I mentioned the pain or not, but, like, I'm 90% sure I did it.

You'd know. Yeah. You'd know. Yeah. Like, I think I'd know, so. But. Tooth better? Feeling better?

Feeling a lot better. It was like, I was in so much pain. I was on, like, meds and stuff like after it. And now it's like so much better, thank God. I mean, Jake, this is a huge win. This is a

crazy pitch. This is a nice little Patreon crossover. And we have to also thank the Patreon community because we did pop-ins and check-ins, but Amy really ran the session and made it entertaining enough, I guess, for you to not talk about the dentist who pissed during a voicemail. Yeah, it was just.

really entertaining, but the only like the beginning was a little bit not entertaining with Eric talking about all the old singers and stuff. Like I was like kind of like put me into more of like a sleep. I guess it was helpful. Wait, what happened?

He spent the beginning just talking about old singers. I mean, I don't think I knew one person like crooners. Okay. All right. Was he, what was he talking? Just the ones he liked?

I don't know what he was just going on and on really. At the end of the episode, maybe we can clip out just Eric's thing and play it for everybody. Totally. That would be so funny. How long was Eric talking about the old music? I think it was a long-ass time. Let's just say that. Roughly.

20 minutes? I think it was the beginning. So I was like slowly drifting into nowhere land. his voice. Talking about Frankie Valley. I don't know who the hell that is. I don't know. I don't care, unfortunately.

Oh, good for you. Well, we appreciate the follow-up. We got you through it. We're happy as work. Yeah. This is a win. Yeah. A total win.

The bell ring win. Yes. Thank you. Well, thank you very much. All right. Thank you. Everybody enjoy Eric talking about Older mute crooners.

Well, I'm planning my big trip right now. I'm going to see Neil Young has not done any shows this year. He canceled his European tour. So he's doing farm aid, and then he's doing two warm-up shows before that with Willie Nelson on the East Coast. So I'm going to all of it, hopefully. I was officiating a wedding at Graceland. And my buddy, Billy Bungaroth, said, you're there on a Sunday? I'm like, yeah.

And he's like, are you going to go to Al Green's church? He wasn't there, but the band was just amazing. And then maybe 20 minutes in, Al Green walks in. He sings, he preaches. We all need to start visiting Memphis again. It's really cool. Wiseman just sent me, Dolly has a travel stop and she's going there tomorrow. It's a last spring. Oh, my God. Can you imagine Dolly's travel stops? I'm clicking on this now. Cindy. Oh my God. Hey everybody, we just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help, it drops a day early on Hulu.

So you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gary. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at Helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at Patreon.com slash Here to Help pod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Hostike, animations by Andrew Strelicki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.