We're Here to Help - 335: Girls Play Soccer Too & Give Him The Rockadoodle (with William Jackson Harper)

Episode Date: October 21, 2026

Jake and Gareth help a soccer coach remember her players' names. Then, Guest Helper William Jackson Harper recovers barbershop back taxes. Plus, a follow-up from Ep 321 "Big and Small (with Zooey Deschanel)".Emmy and Tony nominee William Jackson Harper currently stars in AMERICAN HOSTAGE, airing Sundays on MGM+.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. And we're back. Oh, Jake. Jake, you know what it's time to talk about again? Meatloaf challenge with Steve Berg. God, that's going to be exciting. I actually called him to see if he could jump on one of these.

That'd be fun. What do you say? He didn't reply. He's a big shot. Hot shot, but the meatloaf is exciting. But no, Jake, you know, it happens every December, not just Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, but also. Oh, the helpies.

The helpies, Jake. Man, I have forgotten all about it. This helpies. Now, let's remember last year, best caller was Connor, who, we haven't talked to him in a while. He's diso. I think he got a, remember he, like, he's like, I've changed.

He went straight. He went straight on us. Best guest helper was Cat, who now is recording episodes with us. Are you guys still recording them? Yeah, we're doing one next week. Great. We're doing a long session next week.

Best follow-up, Mr. Hot Takes. I mean, these are legendary people. Best Animal Call. Now, this one may relapse. Mateo and the Duck. Oh. The duck's penis. The whole thing.

You know, let me just, Speaking of Duck's penis, something I got to say. Go ahead. Last week's episode with Dan Gore. Mm-hmm. Was, the response was surprising. There was a lot of angry response that we missed it. Jane Levy, even at work, goes,

that was so bad I turned it off. No, Jane. Jane. And I go, what happened? What was so bad? And she goes, you, you were insane. You? Yeah.

You specifically. A lot of the comments I saw, we got a lot of emails saying, you forgot to mention, how about just trying to please her? But I need to say something to the audience. First of all, the caller, and I googled him as a comedian. He was being funny. And every once in a while, somebody calls in, and they're funny people. So he wasn't a hundred percent in a I'm in a bad spot.

He was setting us up for some bits. If Dan Gore wasn't on, because I Googled while it was happening, because it was like, this dude's a little bit too funny. And the way you can do it is you look at the email. And the email, I then put his name in, and he's a stand-up comedian in wherever it was. I think it was Cincinnati. Yep, it was.

And I was like, East Cincinnati, West Cincinnati. We got a guest here. I'm not going to do my whole detective work. I love Dan too much. He's too funny of a guy. I'm not wasting this and he's too busy. So we went to Crazy Town. Sometimes on the show, the goal is just looking for bits.

Well, let's also say that at the end of that call, Natalie jumped on. And she goes, she have, remember? she was fighting a cold Oh, right. Which is why she's, because we were like, you should have jumped on. Because we all were like, that's, she was like, he's probably just not good at sex. Oh, she did.

And we were all like, that's very possible. That's a very possible. Very interesting. Even while we were doing the call, I was thinking, you know, have a heightened awareness because it's four dudes trying to figure out this guy's sex problem. So it's kind of delicate, but then at no point.

You know what? I really took in a different direction. I was really, I'm assuming the audience understands that this is at times a bit machine. Well, I'm not even like, I'm just saying, I literally, I think I was pitching put dog shit in underpants or something stupid. It rings a bell. I mean, that rings a bell. None of this is, we are now just looking for bits and fun to see. see what happens.

But I was really thinking what I just, it's such a, it really shows the ego on, I guess, me or us. I have no point. I was like, oh, this guy's just bad at fucking. No point. Was I like, this woman is just, doesn't want to fuck this guy. I did cross my mind in subcapacity, but not that he's bad at fucking. So.

But to anybody who was offended or all or took it seriously or to. took it to a place where there's real stuff happening in the world that is truly disgusting and truly heavy. And the hope of this show, it's why we don't get political. It's why we don't tap into current events is the idea of this is escapism. And so for anybody who got offended at all, that is not the intention in the future while that's happening. If you see something, try to see the call from our point of view and go, they're probably just now trying to get each other to laugh and trying to get us to laugh. If it's ever serious, we'll let you know.

The premise of drunk uncles at a bar at sometimes is exactly why. Exactly. Like there and I know that there are people screaming. Yes. At, you know, their speaker or whatever. And there are times where one of us will look at each other and you'll go like, one of us needs to be the drunk uncle. Yes.

Because the other guy's being too fucking logical. We love the show for giving advice and also being moronic, and sometimes that is a Venn diagram. And I think you're right. But what I'll also say is what we've learned in this, sometimes they take the moronic and do it, and it ends up being so funny. Shocking.

Anyway, so those were last year's winners. If you are interested in being part of our second annual Helpy Awards in December, here are the categories, and here's how to nominate. The categories are best caller, best guest helper, best follow-up, best international call. I know he's going to win that one. Best Food Call. Who's winning Best International? Good guy.

Great guy. Best food call. Best photos, videos for a call, best animal call or top call. You can nominate any call or caller for the helpie from episode 226 to episode 337. So that's going to be November 2025 to October 2026. Email HelpfulPod at gmail.com. And we just want you to say the category, the episode name or number, the callers name, call summary, and do this before October 30th.

Voting for the nominees will start on November 2nd. So that is how you do it. Those were a lot of fun last year. So please reach out and weigh in. Everybody? Ready? Enjoy some ads. Okay, and we are brought to you by Wayfair. I don't know why I want to say Wayfair like the Monty Python waiter, but it's Wayfair. Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value and trusted reviews.

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People are sick of me, but they also love how I look, and that's because of quince. You're going to find these pieces that you're going to put in your closet, and you're going to keep going to keep wearing that. I'm going to wear that, but it's not redundant.

They fit together. I mean, I have so many jackets from quince, so many sweaters from quince, so many pairs of pants from quince, so many t-shirts from quince. It's quince. It's all quince. I wear a lot of quince.

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U-I-N-C-E-com slash here-to-help. And we were brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace, come on. You know what I mean? Talk about websites. Squarespace has got them. Listen, we're here to help.

That's the show. Squarespace has helped the show many, many times because you can build your own customizable website. Whatever your product is for, whatever you're trying to sell, whatever you're trying to get out there, Squarespace is the way to do it to make it look legitimate, to make it look good, to make it look professional. But without all that work and stress,

that would probably come with doing that 10 years ago. I have a couple different websites. I have my personal one. I have one for my podcast, The Dallup. I have one for my film. They are all Squarespace websites because they just show you the easiest way to do. You build your website so quick,

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Hello, who are you? Good, how you doing? Doing good. Thanks for asking. Great start to this. Very pleasant. Can we get your name, please? My name is Robin.

Hi, Robin. I got to tell the audience really fast and you, Robin, if you're a listener, check out YouTube for this episode. Gareth has a mustache, and I got to say 9.1 out of 10 on the handsome scale. Stop. Mustache handsome is not possible. No, but there's a little. There's, I don't know.

There's something, there's something handsome happening here, Garrett. And you know me when it's the other way I say it. So I got to say it this way. Oh, we know you. I'm looking at this guy and I'm going, okay. I get it. I guess I'm a Garfi girl. I don't like the perm and the oil face, but call me a Garvey girl.

A red mustache is like a heel wrestler. All right. It's nice. I'll take it. Thank you. This is a guy on the lot moving Corsico's. This guy's moving course. And he's like, he knows a lot.

This guy's a judge. This guy is a manager on the lot. Yeah. And he's like banging two different people at work, but he won't tell anyone. Everybody knows. A lot of trips to the bathroom. Yes. Robin, what's up, big dog?

Hey, how you doing? I really need your guys' help. That's what we're here for. Thank you. It's a show, Rob. Rob, has the premise of the show. I swear I do watch, I promised. No, but I've been the captain of a soccer.

you not believe you. Yep, sounds like a lie. Keep going. Later you're going to say your husband got you into stuff like that. You're going to call me Garrett and you, Jeremy. Go ahead, Rob. Thank you. I've been the captain of a soccer team for over a year now.

It's a rec league, very chill, very fun. Each season we have about like 10 girls who play. And I'm very close with these girls. Like we go out for drinks after. We've gone to festivals together, movies, you name it. I know very like intimate, intimate details about all the girls' lives were very close. But my problem is... Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. Give us some intimate details. Just like breakups, people who are unhappy at their jobs, applying to new jobs, things of that nature. Like we, a group of girls, we kind of chat before and after the games. It's very fun, very close. But my problem is... If you said you had intimate details, what would those details be?

I'd be like he, you know, he loves anal. It'd be stuff like that. That's what I was thinking, Robin. Yeah. Intimate details for us. He doesn't like his job. Yeah. He's unhappy in his relationship.

He can only get fully erect if there's his parent in the room watching. He's like, whoa. He masturbates while he drives. He's one of those guys. I know intimate details. I know, I know details. I know soft. Okay, you know details.

Okay. all the ladies. Okay. Like, not just soccer stuff. That makes more sense to me. Not just soccer stuff. But my problem is,

is that I only know, like, half of their names. And it's gone on. I get this so much, Robin. It's going on. You do.

You're working so much. Way too long. And you know them and you care about them. Oh, yeah. Yes. Deeply. Like, you're like,

I genuinely know stuff that's personal. If I have to say your name, I don't know, you're going to think I don't know you. But I know you're cousin Jeremy really hurt your feelings at your 18th birthday. Exactly.

It's more important than the name, really. This is my life, this is my life, rabbit. I fully get it. And you're the captain a lot. It's like, and people know your name. It's very uncomfortable. Everyone knows my name. But you're like, I actually, I actually know you.

Yeah. But we miss that moment where I go like, tell me your name again. Exactly. Like, I would help you know. And now it's way too late. I would drive you to the airport. Of course. I like you.

I care about you. I get this. Yes. Yes. So I'm so deep end because it's been. I'm in there now. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And I've asked me so many times, and it just leaves my brain instantly. I don't know if it's because in the moment, I'm stressed about needing to remember it. And I only have this problem on the soccer team. Like, not at work because we're on Microsoft teams. So I see a photo and the name. So I know, like, everyone's first and last name. Exactly. Exactly.

So I, yeah, like, I need almost them to wear name tags or something. I even looked into having jerseys made, like, for a lot of. our team where it has like their name on it. It's way too expensive and we're all pretty cheap. So like I don't think anyone would go for that. That's an intimate detail. Yeah, but he's very intimate. It's starting to be actually a serious problem though because I get the payments from

everyone and if someone doesn't pay me, I have to go onto our group chat and be like, hey, you know, Bronwyn, can you pay me instead of just going to them privately and being like, Hey, do you mind sending me the cash? Also, you see, when we're playing soccer, instead of saying, like, past, like, left wing, pass here, do that. On, like, a kick in or a goal kick. We'll say, like, Anna's open to not give it away to the other team. And then I'm there like, what the fuck is Anna? Like, I don't know.

And then I passed a completely wrong way. And everyone's like, what the, who are you doing? And I'm just there shrugging. Like, go, oh, guess it's just me. Robin, I got a pitch. Yes, please. Please. I got a little weird one.

Okay. You say you have a niece in Los Angeles who is, her parents are trying to get her to play soccer, but she doesn't think girls play soccer. Okay. So you ask everyone to send you a quick video on their phone that say like, do you know, guys, please just say your first name, your number. position. What position you play

and really quickly what you like about it in one sentence. So they, and you go, I'm gonna cut them all together. So it's like, hi,

I'm Sarah. I'm number 14. Like, or no number. I'm Sarah. I'm left wing. Girls can play soccer. I love to score girls.

Yeah, women. Okay. This is actually really good. The only thing. Talk to me. It's definitely an option. I'm definitely going to try that.

The only thing is like even to get these girls to pay, I kind of have to pest you. for them to do that. Me as well, like very bare minimum. But Robin, Robin, our dog, our dog. Let's say you just get five. Then you got five down. We can do this shit in tears, my girl.

Yeah. It's good. It's a great. That might, we got other pitches. But if I'm you really quickly as we're doing this call, you have a group chat? Yes, we do. Send that text right now and then we're going to blow it off. But really quickly, Gary, hold on.

Let's just do this right now. Can you send a group? chat, just to send that and say as quickly as you guys can send them, don't worry about how it looks, horizontal vertical doesn't matter. I'm trying to get this by end of the day because my friend from college. Yeah, say the sign up is tomorrow. Okay. And the kid maybe doesn't want to sign up yet.

So just really quickly send that text and then Gareth has some pitches. Well, I would say on this text maybe play to the, like, she doesn't think women can be as competitive in sock, like something that's motivating. Agreed. Okay. feminism direction. Okay. So really quick, Robin really,

wait, Robin really quickly put that text together. Okay, hold on. Hold on. Because I have a sense about you. You know, we've been having a lot with callers. We're getting them in a car that fits and then they talk themselves out of that car. It's true.

You've noticed that, Karathe. Yeah. No, they do. We're like, oh, you should be in a Tahoe. Yes. You're a Tahoe family. And they're like, I love the towel. Here's the problem.

Do I love the Tahoe? I drove at Tahoe a few. years ago and you're like, you didn't tell us you drove a Tahoe a few years ago? And then they go, put you in a Tahoe? And then they go, I drove it and I go, did you own it? No, it was a friend. I think it was a Tahoe. Anyhow, any other kind of cars?

Well, I don't know if that's a reason not to do the Tahoe. I've been doing this job for a lot of years. You're a towel. Yeah, it is. It's gutting. Especially with a mustache like this. When I close, I close. You don't even have to close.

You just walk out, you point at a car. And if they don't sign the deal, I kick them out of the dealership. Get out of here. You don't know what you like. You do wishy-washy. We don't like that here. I go like this. What G-Man say?

And you go, Tahoe, I go, get out of my fucking dealership. You put on 150 pounds. For sure. Almost instantly. The second I get off the plane, we move back to Chicago, I walk off the plane and you go like this. I think you gained 100 pounds on that flight. I ate a lot of peanuts. I go, Gareth, I swear on my life, I didn't eat a thing.

I think it's the air. Okay, Robin, what do you got? I think I got one. I said, hey, girls. I have a friend who really wants to play soccer, but only think nerds play. And you send me a quick video saying your name and why you think girls should play soccer.

But a friend, you're missing a major component for this time. If I get that video, I go, I'm not doing that. That's my fear. I'm sending a video to a 35-year-old stranger. My friend's daughter. Yeah. It's got to be a kid.

My daughter, that's good. Okay, yes, because they know I don't have nieces because we have so many intimate teachers. tells about each other. My friend's daughter is nine. Young, influential daughter. Listen to this baby, purr. This engine's got a purr to it, huh, Robin?

It's got 3,100 miles out of it. That's it. You're not going to beat that. The seller was very motivated. We got it. I'll tell you, since I've got two dates. This thing will go by six. I'll give you a three-year warrant.

I think this guy's actually in here looking at this soon, so you better make a decision here, Robin. Okay, I have it. I have a girl. I have a girl. I have a friend's young, influential daughter who wants to play soccer. but only think nerds play. Can you send me a quick video to say your name

and why you think girls could play soccer at that? Robin. Why is she influential? Why is she influential? Why nerds? Who should we think? Take away that word. Take away and we're not doing this to Logan Paul.

So my friend's daughter's AOC and she's nervous about joining a rec league for kids. You go AOC, I go Logan Paul. Now we know what our algorithms look like. Mine's worse. He's in mine a little bit. I was obsessed with them going to the bed. Okay.

Robin, take away influential, take away nerds. Okay, got it. Hold on. Influential. Doesn't think women play soccer. I can't wait for Robin's additional word that we have no Ked in this one. Soccer, but only think. Doesn't think women can swim.

Will you send a quick video? Then Robin, when you're ready, read it back. Sounds good. Thank you. Okay. Hey, girls. I have a friend's young daughter who wants to play soccer, but doesn't think women can really play.

Can you send a quick video saying your name and why you think girls could play soccer? And position. Okay. Well, we all kind of mix it up just because we're very, very wreck. We just kind of go where our heart tells us in the moment, you know? Okay, so you want to be a one more time, Gary? Maybe name how long you've been playing. I like what you're going for.

Another thing. Another thing. Yeah. Name comma, another thing, come. Boom. Name how long you've played. And then read it to us one more time before you send just because we care about you, Robin.

We want to get this right. Yeah. One other detail. I'm not putting you in a Tahoe. I'm not putting you in a Tahoe because we make a good profit. And I'm putting you in a Tahoe because we think it's right for you. We'll stay open late too. I know we say we close at seven.

but if you're here at 7.30, that doesn't bother us. One other details. That's right. We have another stuff. Go ahead. 10 girls on the team normally. But like some seasons, some girls can't play. So new girls come in.

So we are getting like three new girls for the Winter League. Hey, keep them out of Garris' dealership bedroom. Hey, do they like Corsicas? Keep going around. I'm so sorry. It's literally got bugs on it. Hey, enough. So it's like, there could be a thing where it's like,

Introduce yourself. So, like, for the new girls, it's definitely not for me because I know you all so well, like, as an opportunity to do that as well. Rob, Robin, Robin. We're not doing two introduce yourselves texts. Stay in a lane. You're in it. Stay in the lane.

Just, first of all, we're almost done on part one. Then we're going to pitch some stuff. Will you read the text back to us? Okay. Here's what I got. Hey girls, I have a friend's daughter who wants to play soccer but doesn't think women can really play. Can you send a quick video saying your name and why you think girls can play soccer and how long you've been playing and how you can play with no experience? This is, the word is weird.

Yeah, yeah. First of all, it sounds like you have this daughter held in a closet. There's no pressure. Here you go, Robin, just real quick. Let's recalibate. You're doing great. By the way, open a new text,

Gareth is going to compose one. Okay. All right, Gareth. Okay. Robin, are you opening up a text? Oh, can I do that?

Oh, am I opening up the, to what? Compose. Delete what you have. Delete what you have. Garrette's going to, there are there.

We're just going to go page one. He's a professional writer. Delete it. All gone. Okay, you ready? Yeah. Hey, everybody.

Got it. Gareth, slow down. I will. Got it. My very, good friend's daughter wants to sign up for soccer. I want this word perfect. Okay.

But doesn't think women can play as well as men. The mom or the daughter? Just keep writing what I say, please. Could you possibly all make a super quick video Yep. To your camera. Okay. Saying your name.

Yep. How long you've played. Yep. And why it's awesome to be a female soccer player. That's pretty good. Okay. Maybe we add, Jake. Signups are tomorrow.

So if you could send today. I do in ASAP. Yeah, mind doing ASAP is great. Mind doing ASAP, question mark. And let's hear it back just to make sure we're not going to go crazy. This car looks fucking great. Okay, I have. Hey, everybody, my very good friend's daughter.

Perfect. You're not going to beat this. Want to sign up for soccer, but doesn't think women could play soccer as good as men. Could you possibly all make a super quick video to your camera saying your name, how long you've played, and why it's awesome to be a female soccer player? Sign up as soon, so do you mind doing it ASAP? love you all. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Yeah, Robin, this is Exelante. What do you think? I like this. Send it right now, and then we'll get back to pitching. Okay. Tell me when you sent it. Okay. Now, yeah, what if they don't send the video?

Hold on, but hold on. Did you send it? I did send it, yes. Okay, now for Star Wars, I just, you've already signed the contract. Can you get out of here? You're out of it. No more pitches.

It's 11, baby, girl, but you signed me. for it. Garrett, what else you got? Well, let's let this happen. Let's let this go. It's happening, baby.

Right? It's gone now. Then the only other thing I would say is after this, if anyone for any reason doesn't send it, I think you're going to be pretty surprised with the results. Let's blow that first part off. Let's just now pitch some ideas, Gareth.

Okay, my other pitch is going to be, you said Microsoft Teams. I think maybe you do a quick Microsoft Teams meeting about some little logistical thing with a weird agenda for 10. 10 to 15 minutes. That's because we're actually thinking of changing our team name to like dribble me timbers. That's perfect.

Yeah. That is perfect. So what you'll do is you're going to have a Microsoft Teams vote. And you set it up. Okay. Now, what if they don't add their pictures to teams, though? Because on our WhatsApp group chat, I just need their names. Well, I have everyone's names, but I can't match the names to the faces.

Say everybody throw a picture on, do a funny picture. Yeah. Okay. I won't accept. them onto the chat unless they have a photo or something. Yeah, and you go to this. Pick, please, and be funny. Actually, that's perfect because you want the name associated with the vote.

Mm-hmm. But they'll have a name, but they want to, or like on the WhatsApp group, they'll have, like, a photo of their dogs. Right. Or, like, their child or something, you know? Yeah. You're going to go find that dog. Right?

Or everyone has to bring their dogs to the next game. Robin, I'm having fun. Don't do it. but I think that idea is good where you are bringing people in to a meeting to talk team names and now here's what's going to happen, Robin.

You got both of these things happening at the same time, right? How many ladies on this team? 10. But we have like three new ones, so like 13 girls in total. 13. My guess is going to be eight of them are going to send a video to the

kid. My guess is 10 are going to participate in the name thing, right? Maybe two or three have a picture of their dog and don't send a photo. But once you get a name, you start mixing and matching like it's a weird board game, the memory game. Get like a board with a word.

I know you. I know you. Now you only have three remaining. Once we got three, those fish are in a barrel. little baby girl. He's exactly right. Then you call us, but you go, he goes, I got three, I don't know.

That's so easy. We can work on that. You're already in the Tahoe. Now you're just talking about, do you want dice on the rearview mirror ascent? You like vanilla or you like new car smell? And I could do like a little in your book.

And if we need to go, if we need to go nuclear, what you do is when the first practice with the three newbies, you say communication on the field is really important. So you want the newbies to go around and name everybody just to make sure we have it all locked in. Oh, Garrett, you're on fire. Or can I be like, hey, that first game, we all have to wear name tags and then secretly film everyone. Sure.

But by the way, but by the way, I like that, Gareth. Because you say film? Yeah, you don't have to secretly film them. But here's what you could do. No need is a prude. When you have a new player. Yes. Everybody goes around and you've done this other.

stuff, say their name and you do like a little joke thing where then the new player has to go around and say everybody's name too, like you do a new kid on a team. Yep. My daughter's on a basketball team. The coach would do that where he would go like, all right, say your name. And then everybody has to go around and say it so that the new players know everybody and you go, we all know each other, but we got to get you in quickly. So now you've got three ways.

Now the thing I'm going to need you to do for the videos is you got to send us the videos when you get it. That's good. And we'll just post the audio and we could beep the name. So to be like, hey, I beep and by and blah, ma. And we'll see how many we get. I like that there's three different options. So if like only half do one, the other half, each or the other, we could like compile it.

Of course. Be involved in the tech to here and figure it out. Robin, you want to know why you like it like that? Why? Because we're professionals. Yeah. I mean, this is a lot. You called the Ghostbusters.

It ain't going to be a ghost in your house. I'll tell you what this show. used to be a podcast where I'm a couple of dweeds. Okay. It's not anymore. It's now problem solvers. We might have a new name.

Problem solvers. Robin, tell us what you're going to do to get us out of this call. I'm going to do everything. I like all the options. I think it's going to increase my chances. I'm constantly bugging the girls about like games and stuff.

This is, no, I'm going to do all of it. Great. Yeah, I'm going to do all of it. All right, Robin, thank you for the call. This is going to be a big win. Thank you so much, guys. I really appreciate it. Have a great day.

Of course. Bye now. You too. Thank you. Bye. Also, the Dallup's going to be on tour in early November, November 3rd through the 13th. We're going to be in Sydney, Melbourne a couple times, Brisbane, Canberra, Adelaide, and Perth. Come join us.

Go to dolloppodcast.com. Hello. Hi. This is Gabrielle. Hi. How are you? Great. Great. How are you?

I'm great. Thank you. You've got me and you've got in Jake Stead, the great William Jackson Harper, here promoting the show American Hostage Sundays on MGM. Can we get your name, please? My name is Gabrielle. Gabriel, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Kentucky. Kentucky. Okay. Whereabouts in Kentucky? I'm kind of south of Louisville, but north of Bowling Green. You ever been a bowling green, Will? I've not been.

I'm not going to lie. Kentucky was Cincinnati, which I don't think counts. It's very small. It's all the same, honestly. And how old are you, Gabriel? I'm 29 today. Whoa. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday. Thank you. And you're calling a podcast on your birthday? Yeah, I mean, it's not like it was my choice. Jesse scheduled it, but I mean, I was excited. Shots fired. Big. What are you doing tonight for your birthday?

Anything? I really want to go see that new movie Verity with, you know, I'm halfway, so in Dakota Johnson. Sure. Okay. We're cool with that. Yep. No big deal to us.

Okay. Gabriel, what is going on? Okay. So just to kind of set the scene for a little bit, back during COVID, you know, all the barbershops closed. and my husband, he was getting pretty straggly. And so I watched some YouTube videos. I bought the clippers.

I bought the hair, scissors, and, you know, was like, I can do this. He did not believe me. And after a couple months of convincing, he finally let me cut his hair and I did pretty good. And so he hasn't gone back to a barber since. So my problem is that I did the math about six months ago on how much money I've saved him by not going to the barber.

And I decided that I want a cut of that. And I've put it to him a few different ways, and he's just not biting, you know, and he'll kind of be like, oh, yeah, sure, if you need 10 bucks, I'll give you 10 bucks, you know, and then it does not happen. And so I want to keep this fun, but I also, I want to be a troll under a bridge, like no haircuts, you know, without money, but also I'd like to get a little cash for this. I've saved him a lot of money. How much have you saved him? It would do calculations. My calculations, you know, with tip and everything, over, over his $1,500. And are we talking back taxes or we just want to get paid going forward? Oh, just going forward. Yeah. I mean, I don't mean, yeah, back pay would be a lot.

Okay. I mean, I remember that. How scraggly did you get in 2021, Will? Oh, man. It's crazy. It was positively rostafarian. Yeah. It was a, it was serious.

That's so great. I found a guy, I found a real weird guy who would, like, cut my hair early. This is that for like six or seven months. I found a guy who would just start cutting my hair, like outside his old barbershop. And I would just roll down there at like 6.30 in the morning and we would do it like thieves in the night. And he would just real, it was not. But I mean, I was, I ended up mulleting without knowledge because I was living alone. And then it was like, all of a sudden, I got to look at the back.

And I went, oh, my God. it's really like Billy Raid. It's, I found that I, like, you know, like, sometimes you realize that there's certain parts of your hair that are not growing as fast as others. Yeah. And so I found that there's this, there's like this little spot on the back that was not growing as fast. And it was like, it was like shaggy, but a little George Jeffersonie at the same time. And it was, I mean, I had the top. but it had a little ski slope in the back.

A little tuft. Yeah, it was like, this is awful. Like a looney tune that got malleted? Yeah, exactly. Right, yeah. Yeah. Okay, but then, all right, so basically, problem here, Gabrielle, is you want your husband.

I mean, it's a weird thing to ask your husband for money for a thing you're doing. I'm trying to think, like, I mean, there's ways where we could make this fun, like you're saying, we could set it up, but we definitely want him to feel like it's real. I mean, you have anything? Well, I have a first pitch to maybe get the ball rolling,

but go ahead. Let's hear the first pitch. So I'm going to suggest, what is the setup right now, Gabriele, when you cut his hair? Where do you do it? Just in the living room, you know, bring out the chair of the clippers,

he wears the cape, you know, we do the whole thing. I mean, it's, and it's not, you know, we've gotten pretty fast at it. It's probably 15 minutes. You got a garage? Yeah, detached. Okay.

That's great. I like that. My first pitch is you want him to treat you like a business. Let's start setting it up like a business. I think you slowly acquire four or five of these barbershop staples. And when he comes in, you really up it. I think you could get some sort of low-rent, you know, peppermint spinner that we put outside the garage. I think its own chair.

I think that, you know, you have the floor set up. You have a little broom. And I think what will sell it hardest is get the comb in the blue water. That to me is the, we're officially, we're no longer married. I'm actually going to someone. I would add onto it if you wanted, maybe a mustache and an Italian accent, but the key to it is going to be a pricing board. And what you do is going to be $10 with a tip jar that says tips appreciated. And if he comes in there for his haircut and he's not going to pay you, you know, tough shit.

Yeah. Okay. I like that. Oh, okay. Well, you know, I mean... Keep talk past the clothes. Well, it's fine. Yeah.

Now, do you like... Do you like cutting his hair? Do you enjoy it? I don't mind doing it. The problem is it's always like, you know, 9.30 p.m. I'm about to be like, all right, I'm about to go to bed and turn off the TV. And he's like, you want to cut my hair real quick? He's got a thing without timing.

It makes it a chore. Oh, well, that's that, that, that, that, I don't care for that. No, that will never do. I actually, in my pitch, we now have hours. Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah, I think there's certain hours that you're, that he's allowed to ask for this haircut. Does he refuse to go to a regular barber now? Yeah, yeah.

I've tried a couple things, right? So I've tried, like, holding out. And he's just pretty stubborn, too. We're both pretty stubborn. It turns out not fun, you know? And so he's like, well, I mean, I don't need to go. I already married. What am I looking for?

I can be scraggly. And then, you know, I've also tried, hey, you could just put $10 in a jar every time, buy me a gift with it later, you know, like. and none of it's kind of working. Would he be up for an exchange of services of sort? Is there... Yeah. Does he like...

Does, I mean, well, I mean, you don't trust him to cut your hair. Do you? I mean, this isn't a thing that he's expressed. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Maybe a manny. Yeah.

Something like that. Keep going, though. I like where you're headed. I think this might be a favorite trade. I think it could be like, I think it could be, a reciprocal spa day, you know? Like you, you cut his hair and do all that stuff. And then he, in exchange for that cut hair, for that haircut,

has to do something like, yeah, manny, petty, facial, you know, something, you know, just not your hair because, you know, if he doesn't know what he's doing, he'll mess you up. But like, you know, the other thing, you're really good. you right i like i like that i feel like that's kind of agrarian we go back to our roots i uh to me that's that's better i have a bad i have a real i have two bad ones one a little easier and one's insane um the easier one would be start giving him bad haircuts if you get two bad haircuts if you get two bad haircuts back to back you're not going to go back to that place so if you just

start saying you kind of lost your touch or you overclip the back or it's uneven leave a rat tail you could have a rat tail as a hostage rat tail without question our worst look um i grew up in wisconsin and they were quite common and even to those of us who had mullets it made no sense um but a couple bad haircuts and honestly the opposite of what will had if you give a like over scrape on the back and there's a little bald patch back there, he'll hate that. Yeah. You know, pretend you have the yips.

You know what the yips are? Yeah. Yeah, pretend you got the yips. Something's, you're rattled. You can't throw the ball to the pitcher anymore. You overthrow. You got the yips, and that's a way to just get them out of your jurisdiction entirely.

Yeah. I mean, nothing's, like, less disconcerting than hearing your barber behind you go, like, oh, you know, like, that's, whoa. Yeah. Boom. Yeah, that's, that is, you know, and even if you don't mess them up, just say that a few times.

Yeah. Just be like, you know, like, oh, um, damn, okay, wait. And then you say, I can fix it, I can fix it. And then like, I'll bet you, I'll bet you backs up. That's not going to get you paid, but it's going to get you to stop having to work. My other one, okay, this would be my other one. My other pitch is that we fake that the Better Business Bureau is coming after you for back taxes. And what you can say is you've been complaining about how, you know, you've been cutting your husband's hair for a while,

and you got an email from the Better Business Bureau that's saying you're operating an illegal business and that the fine is $1,500. And you can just amp it up a little bit and seem really stressed out and make it feel like a real business. situation, even in one conversation or one day. And then at the end of that, you can just reveal it's fake, but be like, I want $10 a haircut. I really like that, actually. You said it was a bad pitch, but I really like it. It's very, and then you just, you know, but up it and stress him out.

And then it's like the switcheroo. You know, it's like when you got bad news and you say to someone like, I told him your car and they're like, what? And you're like, no, but I did spill soda on your shoes. Yeah, yeah. No, I think that's great. Well, we also are switched like CPAs this year and we're working and I'm the one doing the taxes rather than him this year. And so I feel like he could be like, oh, listen to what he said. Like he said, we need all this because we're doing, you know, your own hair cut. Yeah, I can make that happen. Oh. Yeah. Oh, that's great. You can, oh, man. There's so, yeah, it's Kismet. So, okay. So we're going to fake that we've got a tax. problem once you were kind of crunching the numbers and he owes you or the IRS $1,500. Yeah.

Okay. And I think you're right. Come up with some letter. Just scare the piss out of him. And then are you going to say it's bullshit, but I do need the $10 per haircut or $20, as we're saying? Yeah, I think so. And I think I'm just going to have, like, go ahead and have a jar that's like the haircut

jar, which can go have and have labeled. And then I'll just pull it out every single time we have haircut. And it'll just be there, you know. Like here's what I would say. I like this jar pitch. I think we do this CPA thing. Have the jar pitch where he's got two, there's two options. It's either the $20 a haircut that he puts in the jar,

but why don't you also have a favor jar that he's allowed to pull out? Instead of paying you, he can pull out something, sort of what Will was saying. He pulls out something and you just write on 10 pieces of paper things you want, things you want done, things you want, whatever it is. his option is he either pays you 20 bucks for the haircut or he pulls out a little favor switch from the other jar. I really like that. Okay.

Yeah, I went either way. Hey, this is what this shit's all about. So we're going to do both of those things, scare him with the CPA and have the double jar. I think you should probably, if you really want to scare him, maybe have a call with a fake CPA. like so or someone from the IRS where you're stressed out, you know? Okay. Can I?

I don't want to derail us. But this CPA thing doesn't make any sense. She's fake. Okay. So she's, so he's being, he's, he owes taxes. She's in the car. She's happy. She's about to leave the lot.

He owes the IRS $1,500 because his wife gave him haircuts for five years. She claimed. there that she's that's a job she's doing so she wrote on her taxes i'm just flushing out the lie so she wrote on her taxes that she received well jesse's freshly married so he's like it's got to be very cori yeah yeah she's owed like i think we're telling him it's a lie anyways right so does it have to totally hold up in court for very long she's she's just trying to throw the wiring off okay gabriel let's uh jessie the I can't, I mean, a producer jumping on to throw you out of your car while you're sitting in it and you're about to leave the lot.

Explain to Jesse as your husband. What's your husband's name? Eric. Explain to Eric, who will be played by Jesse. What happened? And Jesse, go ahead. Pour your water. Hey, Babe.

So I was talking to the CPA, you know, Brandon, the new CPA that we have. And he was saying that, I don't know, this doesn't make sense to me. that since I've been giving you haircuts for the last six years, that that then counts as like an income we should have, that I should have online. And because I guess I've been doing this job for you. And so then now they're getting on me saying that, like, I am not reporting the right amount of income.

And so then they're talking about a penalty. Like you remember we got that letter last year where they got all our stuff mixed up, even though we had paid and they didn't find it? And so I got this whole other letter again. saying that we owe money because I've been doing a job that I haven't been reporting. How did they find out that you've been giving me haircuts? Well, everybody knows that I give you haircuts from early. I mean, I'm pretty good at then.

The IRS. You told our accountant. You told Brandon that you would give me haircuts? Well, yeah. I mean, he's been, you know, he's been my parents, CPA for years. I guess my mom told him or something. But you, but it would be money that I was paying you. so that's money that's coming out of

that's just like a gift I mean you can talk to them and tell them that I guess okay I'll get on the phone with Brandon Hey hey Eric it's Brandon Hey hey what's going on I'm pretty busy right now it's the busy season What's this about us owing money for the for haircuts

Oh yeah well I was talking to gabriel And she was saying she's been cutting your hair for five years So that's generating income right there. You haven't paid anything towards that to her or the IRS, right? No, obviously. What do you mean, obviously? I'm the CPA. I don't have to pay my wife to cut my hair.

Do I? Actually, my boss, Will, is here right now. And he also is backing me on this. It seems like it is a back tax issue. I mean, look, if you want to go toe to toe to toe with the IRS, you're more than welcome to it. I'm just giving you my advice here. Have you ever heard of... Penal Code J87 Section 342 against...

You can email it to you if you're... Yeah, unpaid labor enforced upon spouses gohabitating? No, no, I've never heard of that. No, yeah, a lot of people haven't. But when there are goods and services, there are to be procured outside of the home, and there is enforced labor to procure those services from a spouse in that home, even amongst married couples,

there is a fee that is to be paid from the recipient to the renderer of said services. And Eric, I can see you're getting that face, which we see a lot this time of year, where you kind of feel like you know better than us. But I want to point out as well that Gabrielle, she did write off part of your home as a business expense because of these haircuts.

So in the IRS's eyes, they are citing the penal code that will just say, So there is, and I said penal code, and I don't even want you to jump on that. That is, I will own that as a misspeak. But, um, yeah, isn't that about like, I said I already apologize for it, so I'm not going to relive it. But so what I'm telling you is that she sort of said already that she was writing off some of the home because of a business expense because of their cuts. So the, in the IRS's eyes, you guys have, have you not been paying her?

No. Oh, you think that that's normal for the service, I guess? I guess that's up to your marriage. I don't want to... Yeah, I thought it was just... I know I'd pay my wife if she was cutting my hair. Unless you're doing something for her in exchange. Interesting.

All right, man, we got to run because we're really busy right now, but I don't know. Seems kind of interesting. So take care, buddy. You can figure this out. Yeah. Thanks a lot. Okay.

All right, fine. I've convinced. Okay. I think Bradd off the home was a great point. Yeah. Jesse, I didn't mean to attack you there. No, it's okay. No, it's totally.

I totally understand. H&R. Black Harriet. It's just a character. It's just a character. Exactly. So what do you think, Gabriel? I feel like, okay, I feel pretty good about being able to pull off that bullshit. I like you being a little confused by it as well. I think that's good.

But pinch some of the stuff that we just said. And honestly, if you want to set up a call with someone from the IRS, I don't mind playing that character on the show. If you want to call back, I can sort of, you know, try to further convince him. Okay, okay. Yeah, I'll have to, I'm going to do the email first, and I'm going to kind of see how it goes from there, see how long we can keep it going. Okay. So the problem is I do have to give him a haircut, like, within the next two days because we have a wedding to go to. Oh, well, you know what you could do there, though, is just going back to the setup, the barbershop, in the garage situation is you know how they have those posters of the cuts that you can select sometimes? Yeah. And there's like also

always barbers that can't do like half the cuts. And so there's like, so it's like as long as he's not paying you, there are two. And you're just like, you X out everything except for two like fucking horrendous looking cuts that are not for him. And then it's like, these are the ones that are free.

And then you just like, you know, that's what you give it to him. And you go to the wedding and he deals with it. I actually, I like what we just. came up with where we attacked Jesse. I will say what what Will just said did open up another route in my head

off of that is just do the sides and hold the top hostage. Yeah. Yeah. You could just do the sides and then say to trim the top is going to be $15. Yeah. Get halfway into the cut and then say... Yeah, and then just go

all right, now you pay. Yeah, just give them that rockadoodle. Yeah, you give them... If you do half cuts, Like I know if I was sitting in a barber's chair and they were like $20 to finish it properly I'd be like, what, fine? Anyway, Gabrielle, we've pretty much kitchen synched you at this point. What are you going to do?

I think that I'm going to do the IRS situation. I think I'm going to do it with like an email and a letter at first because I could probably get that done pretty quick and be like, hey, this is super weird. And then see if we need to carry it through I think he's going to buy it. Any phone calls or anything. I think so.

I think, well, and again, it doesn't have to hold up too long, and then I'll bring out the favor jar or the money jar, and he can pick which one he wants. I think even with the IRS thing, the more outlandish, the better. Yeah. I think it just turns into straight up nonsense. You know, that would be wonderful. But that's how everyone feels when you're doing with it.

You feel like you're like, what the fuck? It's like you're talking a Martian language. And I would also say, Gabri, When you're doing this lie, pay attention to the mouth. Don't smile at all. Right? I mean, Will, you're a phenomenal actor. The mouth here is going to be key.

Eye contact and not smiling. Yeah. Okay. Try not to blink too much. Don't over blink. Oh, gosh. Don't blink. Don't breathe.

Don't smile. No, no. Stop it. Now you're an actor. Yeah. Now you're an actor. You could maybe even be on American Hostage, which is Sunday nights on MGM. You have to be a security guard on New Girl?

That's a shot at me. I'm sure you recognized me from my role as security guard on season 7 of New Girl. All right, Gabrielle. Appreciate it. Thank you, Will, so much for joining us. And once again, American Hostage, MGM Sundays based on a true story. Phenomenalian Jackson Harper, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks, man.

Thanks for having me. Thanks, Gabriel. Thanks. Bye. Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow-up from episode 321, big and small with Zoe Deschanel. Hi. Hello. Hi. Hi. How are you?

I'm so sorry. I'm really nervous. Oh, you are? I like laugh or like almost cries. Oh, you're good. Oh, I was just having some fun. Actually, I can totally relate. Jake, you're fine. You're both be fine.

I'm actually, I'm going through the same stuff. So don't feel, don't feel strange because we're both feeling emotional and we're laughing. You're with professionals. You're both going to be fine. Aren't you a follow-up? I am. I am a follow-up. Were you nervous, this nervous, the first time you called?

It was ten times more now. Oh, this is worse? What do we got? What do we got? remind us what happened in the story. Okay, so there's a tree outside my work. Oh, meth heads putting suppositories on the outside of it. No.

No. Guys, kids pissing on it. Yes, okay. Yeah. You, the young people are peeing on it and they don't know that we can see from our windows because only their head is covered. but we can see their entire body. You remember this, Gareth.

She's got a tree outside of her window, and there's a bunch of kids going out and pissing on it, and she can see them pissing, and what do we do? And I remember, what did we recommend you do? I remember a lot of people got upset when we say cameras, which I agree. Don't film kids pissing. That's a mistake.

Finally, the show's taking a brave stance. I'm against that. We are opposed. We're being very political. Don't film kids. I'm sorry. Sorry if we lose some people. Hey, you know what?

I don't like to draw a line in the sand, but I will hear. We don't like it. Sorry, nobody do that. And that's a show thought. All right. So what did you end up doing and are the kids still pissing on trees? Right. So the idea that you and Zoe had was to put up an arrow that said filming.

and pointed at the tree and then write a memo that made it look like it was like a production memo that we were like filming and if you entered this area. Yeah, 100%. Tell me your first name again.

I'm going by Stephanie. Stephanie is definitely not from Vancouver. Not. Okay, Stephanie. The sign from filming is so good. That's a great idea, by the line. Do you see the little yellow beads coming off? Yes. Like I sent in a picture.

So it's like, It's so good. It's like filming P and then go to the next photo, please. So, yeah. So then it's the memo and I really, I took about three days to write this amazing memo. I don't think anyone's ever going to read it. Okay.

But I made this smaller and smaller. It's really funny. So what we see here is a professional looking memo and the font does get smaller. I see you productions, which is great. Because I see you. Yes, U.S.U.P. Even better. I mean, it is very well put together lawyerly. It is this memorandum serves to provide formal notice of intermittent documentary filming and observational recording activities anticipated to occur in the vicinity of the subject tree.

The documentary sales will undertake sporadic non-linear examination of the varied uses interactions and customary occupations associated with this tree by members of the public wildlife and other interested parties. Let me interrupt for one second. This is so good that me as a 15-year-old would go, I don't get it and maybe keep peeing. Gareth, go on. You think we need to keep reading? I mean, I feel like it's, okay. I mean, it's like you said.

Okay. But it is so good. Scary. Wait, now at the end, read the general note, would you? Okay. Can you make it a little bigger, Natalie? I'm not 90. Oh, Garyl's getting older.

I do have glasses now. Oh, wow. Where was this the whole time? This above is a farcarsical memorandum in no way is this serious. We just want you to know that when you use this tree to urinate, there are people that can see your, quote, whole hogs, that's a Jake pitch. That was Jake's words.

Of course. I think that was Zoe's going on. Well, Jake wanted Wopper for sure. Please use the provided washrooms located at the Marina. Just a one minute walk away in the immortal words of Ned Flanders, quote, we can see your doodles. and quote, I see you productions

as a fictional company and the WHTH network does not exist at all. Thank you and good day. This is excellent. Can we see the next photo in the tree branch? You put googly eyes.

Excellent. Because I couldn't afford cameras so I did like big googly eyes. Google eyes are perfect. You put them in different places on the tree. You see the signage from far away that says filming. Okay, keep going.

This is excellent. All right, can we see the next photo? Well, here you go. Here's the last photo. Okay. Walk me through this one, please. You asked for this one, Jake. I did?

Yes. So, because I didn't clearly know how to stand peeing, like, I don't know how that works. And you guys made the banana too high before. And you guys made fun of me, like, holding the banana. So I actually went to my nephew's father, and I asked him because he's teaching my nephew you had a piece standing to teach me as well. So we did a whole lesson. I did do a voice note, so I recorded it.

So you can hear me learning. I learned about like... It's very long. We're going to put it at the end. Oh, we'll play it at the end. Okay, great. You've got a great stance. I would say you're going a little too much base.

In actual practicality, you would probably be holding a little bit more up top for ability to aim. And so... Okay. But by the way, where are we at with the problem? Right. Ring the bell because almost like immediately, I want to say about maybe 15 minutes because the boys were doing their like warmups in our parking lot.

And so I hung it up really fast. It was like just before 8 in the morning ran in. I'm like, we were all giggling because they were like, I bet you somebody's going to go. And it was so beautiful. This like young man walks up. He sort of saw the arrow. but ignored it.

Like, he paused a second, but then, like, walked into the tree and immediately walked out. Oh. And we were like, he couldn't have read the memo that fast, but it must have looked like, I don't know, intimidating. It spooked him out. The memo, the beauty of the memo is that you don't need to read it. It's like when you get, like, an iTunes update. You're just like, yeah, whatever. You don't read it.

You're just like, that's scary, it's laminated, it's up. I don't like it. Yeah. Can I say something? Yeah. This is what this show is all about. Yes. I needed to pay my tab.

Yes, but you did. Oh, my God. You did an excellent job. Crushed. I love homework. Well, you're fucking good at it. And the whole audience, the whole audience, big numbers, big, big numbers.

Everybody gets to enjoy the work. you did. They're fucking people in Thailand right now sitting around laughing. They're laughing. And you know what they say to their family? It's funny, but it also worked. And you know what else? If I'm there,

what you've done here is you've built a blueprint for people who suffer from some not everyone can get on the show. No. We can't take every call. Who have some piss issues or piss shoes. They now can say oh, you know what? Maybe it's a little different.

It's not a tree, it's a fence. Yeah. But you know what? I got a way around this now, too. And another thing I want to say about Vancouver, and I'm only continuing because the tone feels right, but this feels like it's probably not necessary. Yeah, it is.

When I was there with Damon, he suggested I walked 10,000 steps every day because he is. I started in Vancouver. I went to Stanley Park. I went over the bridges. It was gorgeous. And I think I'm losing a little bit of weight because of it. He's looking good

Oh, because walking, I guess, matters. So to anybody out there that's going through, let's just call it a Jake stage and you want to tighten up just 10,000 steps every day. No non-negotiable. I don't know why I'm still in this tone and talking about this right now.

I'll say this when we started today just quickly, Jake walked in with a crazy energy. His shirt was wide open. And I saw what he's working with And it's looking a little better So for anyone out there Can I say to start this For anybody who's not on our videos

Who's just listening to audio Gareth's hair and facial hair It's the hottest it's ever been Stop I'm not even kidding, Gareth You're also, your skin looks great But not shiny It's not shiny

All of a sudden I'm like I get it for the... A lot of times when the girls were like He's having a globe I'm like he has a perm In a shiny face He looks like a blaze All right we gotta get out of here

Thanks so much for the call We appreciate it We'll get your round. Thank you so much. Great work. Thank you. My point is I get it. Now you're going to our hands.

Thank you. Thank you, everybody. You're a little handsome. Good call. Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. Do you want to change them? Do I want what? Are you done with your suit?

Okay. I'll put it in the... I'm going to put it in the fridge. Maybe I'll eat it tomorrow. We're going to make this really organic. Okay. So I think I'm standing too stiff, first of all. Like, do you stand like, or are you like, do you have to like make your body relaxed?

Like, so the pee comes out? Yeah, well, you like, you relax your bladder, I guess, the area. Your prostate? You relax your prostate. Okay. No. Okay. I'm relaxing.

My prostate is relaxed. Just relax. And usually, like. Oh, oh, see, I'm going like. Because the problem with pulling your hips in Yeah Is that when the stream starts to die down It dribbles out and where does it dribble on

Whatever's in front of it So you want to be out Yeah you You want the tip to be in front of anything That you're wearing Yes okay so like a little oh so I can be like this Do you scoop or is there like How do you like?

It's just there You just... Like is it a pinch? You just gently hold it like a... Like you hold the shaft. Gently. And you... I wouldn't call it a scoop.

I would more call it a pinch. Like you go around it on the top and the bottom with your fingers. Do you do two hands? No, I don't think I've ever done two hands. Okay, so that's where I'm going wrong. I don't know. I don't think I've ever done two hands. No, no, no.

That is ridiculous. Okay, sorry. Okay. So, and then, and then it just happens. You relax and it comes out and then. Like, does this look like the right hand? Like, does this look right? I'm full.

I don't think, you don't need to put your hands on your hip. You could, I guess. I mean, some people, like, if you wanted, you could have both hands on your hips and then just sort of push forward, push the hips forward a bit and let it go. I don't know. I feel comfortable with this. Just a hand. One hand is sort of like

like just sort of like holding around top and bottom, thumb top, top, a couple fingers maybe on the bottom. Okay. Holding it at an downward and forward angle and making sure that the end is in front of any of your clothing or anything. This is so educational.

Below that you don't want to drip on as the stream becomes weaker. And then like, And then at the end, you do a shake for sure. And I don't know, maybe, like, make sure everything is out. Like, if you, like a go-gurt, maybe you want to squeeze towards the tip. Amazing. Yeah, you just do a shake.

Make sure everything's out of it. This is way up from you. And nothing is left inside of you. And then you don't. Make sure there's no, you don't want any drips on the end. Right. Because then when you put it back. in you just get pee on your underwear.

Right. Oh my God, I feel great about this now. This is awesome. Thank you. Educated. Yeah, I feel educated. Hey, everybody. We just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help. It drops a day early on Hulu. So you can watch the new episode a day early.

And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one. and season two, so get involved. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod.g.mail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com.

Remember all of the advice, given on we're here to help, is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a headgum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast