We're Here to Help - 34: Ashole with Max Greenfield and Natalie Morales

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

Max Greenfield returns to chat with the guys and a father-to-be about facial hair. Later, Jake, Gareth and special guest Natalie Morales talk to a caller about a very embarrassing moment.  Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com! Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPod See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

and here we are for another episode j Jake, of America's number one podcast. Don't look that up. Big, big episode. I think we say that all the time, but this time- This is a big one. We've been lying most of the time. This is a big one. Yeah, this is a big one.

We're actually doing something a little bit different. We've got two special guests on this one. Crazy. We've got Natalie Morales, who is excellent in my new movie, Self-Reliance, which is coming out January 12th on Hulu. It's a movie I wrote, I directed, and I starred in. And we're going to have a lot of the cast come on. She was the first one who came on, and she just crushed it. So good.

So good. And so good in the movie, and kind of good with everything she does. It's frustrating. And her call's incredible. I can tell you're frustrated by that. Me? Yeah. No, I'm benefiting. I'm using her. I'm squeezing her dry is incredible. I can tell you're frustrated by that. Me? Yeah. No, I'm benefiting.

I'm using her. I'm squeezing her dry like a drape. I put her in a movie. I put her in a podcast. I take, I take, I take. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I just use her talent and I say, well, I'm the director. Jake, Jake, Jake, self-reliance, Hulu.

Come on. The next person we have on is a dear old friend maxi greenfield aka schmidt is back on the pot it's his second call from the day he did it he's as always incredibly funny and we've got a great call on that the cast is back together again here we are the and the chemistry doesn't miss a beat it's just like we're back when we were shooting. So we've got a killer show. We appreciate all the support. Keep listening.

Keep sharing. Keep commenting. Keep rating. All the things that help us out. Follow us on the Instagram. You know where it is. That's Jake's way of saying he doesn't know where it is. Follow us on the TikTok. You know where it is. Again, Jake's way of saying he doesn't know where it is. Follow us on the TikTok.

You know where it is. Again, translation, I don't know the handle. And you can get the merch at you know where it is. That's, again, we really should be giving you specifics, but Jake has none, and I can't really help him too much. So without further ado. Hey, how's it going? Hey, how are you, man? Welcome to We're Here to Help.

We're very excited because you're not only on with Jake and Gareth, the regular hosts, but we have a guest on today's show. Max Greenfield is going to pitch in and help with whatever your problem is. So can we start? Can we just get your name real quick? Sure. Dylan. Dylan. Okay. And where are you calling from, Dylan?

Before we get into it, Dylan, I just want to say shout out to our sponsor, Kitty Litter Potty Training. Dylan, he means City Kitty, but I'm sure you already know that. City Kitty, of course. Of course. It's a household name. Dylan, how old are you? 32.

32. Do you have any are you? 32. 32. You have any cats? I do. I have two cats, actually. They're going to the litter? They're using your toilet? Gareth, do you want Jake and I to hang out? No, no, no.

You guys can stay there. I'll give you a signal when it's time to tag in. What city are you in, Dylan? Omaha, Nebraska. All right. And why don't you tell us what the three great minds you have access to today can help you with? All right. So, obviously, a first-time father is going to be here in February.

You say first-time father? Yeah. And he said obviously. Yeah. Okay. So, you're about to have a baby. Congratulations. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Many times. Two cats and a baby. It's big stuff. You know, that's sort of a lateral move. You say two cats, two babies, a lateral move? Ask Gareth. Gareth has one cat, a cat tattoo, and no babies.

Jake, I was asked a question, and absolutely it's lateral, Max. Okay, so you're about to be a dad, Max, something the three of us can all relate to as fathers. Okay, so keep going. What's the issue? The dilemma is what facial hair should I lock in for this next chapter of my life? As a dad, your facial hair is your calling card. Am I right?

Well, I think it's part of your calling card. I think being a good father is probably more so than facial hair. Wouldn't you agree with that, Dylan? Sure. The hair is most of the lifting. Let be all right so hold on your question is what facial hair should you have when your baby's first born for like the first round of baby photos just in in life in general so like my dad has the same mustache my whole life he's had the hulk hogan hulk hogan handlebar mustache. Your dad's goes down past the lips?

Oh yeah. Sometimes it's crept onto the neck. Dylan, what do you rock on your face? I've gone a full beard for most of my days as a man here. I've done mustache. I've done, but mostly I've done beard.

I've been told I can pull a mustache off. But, I mean, Max, with you here as well, I know you've also rocked a mustache quite well. Thank you. Jake's opposed to gray in the beard. I'm not opposed to it. I just, Max, when I saw that photo on Instagram, it made me feel old.

Then you called me a bully publicly. Is that fair to say, Max? I said, seeing gray hair, maybe shaved, because seeing gray hair in your facial hair made me individually feel old because I'm older than you. You said, I'm reporting you to bullying, and I think you did report me. You're eight months older than me. Say that like, now listen, man, I've got 12 years on you i'm in my 60s well i sent you a text that you seem 37 and i seem 55 and you iced me out and it hurt my feelings dylan uh where are we on this one so you right now have a beard you're about to have a baby is it a boy or a girl it It's going to be a boy.

What are you going with with the name? That is up in the air at the moment. Max is on the list, I will say. Max is on the list. Okay. Max is cool because it's easy to spell. That's right. What's your partner's name?

Stephanie. Stephanie? What does she think? She prefers the beard. She's seen me with no facial hair one time, and she said, get out of my apartment. Well, you're moving into fatherhood now, though. Yeah. But it's a big job. It could be a little different.

Can I just get some stats on you? What's the size and weight we're dealing with? Six foot, about 190 or so. I wonder why his size and weight matters with facial hair, Gareth. Well, I mean, now that I hear it, it's hot hot, he sounds like he's got a hot look going on already. So I don't want to, you know, squander. Oh, you're seeing if he was like a gel. I got you.

Yeah, I was seeing if we could get away with a gelled up goatee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of a spiked tee. Okay. All right. Okay. You could stab the kid at that point. Baby's heads are soft, right?

You guys, Jake, you're a dad, right? Yeah. Baby's heads are soft, right? Jake, you're a dad, right? Yeah. Baby's heads are very soft. Max, what's your kind of take on facial hair and fatherhood? You got any thoughts on that? I've grown the beard out a couple of times, but then it gets itchy. And I don't like to be itchy and I don't like to have my hands in my face as much as I do when I have the beard and it gets long. So Then I end up shaving it and then I'll probably end up with a mustache for a while. Then at some point, somebody

will make a comment and I'll get self-conscious and then I'll shave that. You mean like a bully? Someone like Jake might bully you online and then you got to make a change? Yeah. Then you'll report your friend to Instagram for bullying? If i knew how to actually

do that okay that's fair but i think i just you know commented and hopefully you'll be like they'll they'll take care of you i'll say this about the facial hair sure your father rocked a hulk hogan stash so so all your childhood photos there's that enormous mustache on your dad's face. And how did that make you feel when you look at those photos? Does he feel more to you like that's the idea of fatherhood? Is that a cool look in your eyes? Or do you look back and go, it would be cooler if he didn't have that mustache in these photos?

You know what? I've always been pro. I've been for it. I've always thought he that's that's a dad's stash i mean it's obviously it's intense it can't be intense but i'm gonna tell you what the your first kid the first six months there's going to be more photos than you've ever been in in your entire life everybody's gonna be snapping pics you're gonna be holding that baby people are gonna be taking photos your facial hair in this moment matters. And I think it's a good question.

And I think it should be a choice. And I'm going to lead out personally with, I think you should copy your dad as a shout out to dad. I think you should forget the little beard. Who cares? Little beards are boring. Hipster beards are boring. A little thin mustache.

No disrespect, Max, but a lot of times when you'll shave, you won't go thick. You'll go a little bit of hair on your upper lip, but I've never seen you go like full Tom Selleck. Is that true, Greenfield? You know, it's hard. Yeah. I don't know. But in the pandemic, you had a nice one. Yeah. Pandemic, i let her i let her rock i remember we did something and you were wearing a hawaiian shirt and like a yankees hat and had a full mustache we were doing some full selling yes and it looked good gareth you used to have a mustache i've had many must i love a mustache jose didn't like it made him shave

yeah a lot of jose's hairs got caught in. I didn't know where he ended and I began. It got confusing. So I'm going to go with mine. I'm going to say, if you're going to do something and you want to do something bold, actually go full Hulk Hogan and do it right. Just keep it in the family is what you're saying. I would actually do your father's mustache. And I would start growing it now.

When's the baby being born again how many months uh february 1st is the due date oh you got plenty of time yeah i would not shave your upper lip until that baby comes but i wouldn't have a beard until the last second don't do it like it's a gimmick i can rock the mustache starting halloween so by the time february comes well maybe a guy with a hulk hogan stash go ahead maybe we do a hulk hogan halloween costume that's a good way to sort of foam the runway into it for the rest of uh fatherhood and test the water yeah exactly i think one of the most important things about parenting is consistency. So whatever you do, just lock it in and keep that look for as long as you can. I think that makes sense.

It's like a long haul. And if you've had beard for so long, I'd say keep the beard because Jake has a beard 99% of the time. But he had to keep a weird, he had to keep like an in-between beard on new girl forever. And there were times where whoever was shaving him before he shaved himself, I'm not really sure what happened, but he would go almost all the way off with the beard. He'd go too low. It's true. It looks, it looks gross. It looks gross. It looks like a weird, I just, I just, It looks, it looks gross. It looks gross.

It looks like a weird. I just, I just, uh, I had a beard and I shaved it all the way down only because I had long hair for a while because of the minks. And then, you know, we're on strike so I could get a short haircut and with a short haircut and a full beard, I looked uglier than I've ever looked in my whole life. Uh, it was, I don't know if you ever have it when you get a glimpse of yourself. And look, I'm not in the best shape these days. So I was shirtless in the mirror with a bad haircut.

It was shocking. It was the first time I saw myself and thought like, who is that human? I don't like the way that thing looks. Jake is not a self-conscious guy when it comes to like- No, it's honest looks but there are moments where i can see he would shave to it would go too close in the new

the new ball hated it so bum i'm gonna leave i'm gonna stick with it down you gotta commit i think max is right what you don't want to do in the first like year or two of fatherhood is your like son's getting to know you is change your look be bold man i mean don't don't want to do in the first year or two of fatherhood is your son's getting to know you is change your look. Be bold, man. I mean, don't just do a little beard. You'll regret it. I think you called into this because you want to make a bold choice. Am I right on that or am I wrong?

You're not wrong. You know what? You're not wrong. Yeah. You want to pull the trigger. You want to pull the trigger and you want to be able to convince Stephanie that it's the right move to rock a humongous Hulk Hogan mustache when your child is born. I think we're all kind of saying the same thing. I do, too.

Just go with it and you'll figure it out. I do have if you want if you want the must the Hulk Hogan mustache to seem like the right idea. I do have a bad pitch for you if you want to hear. I love it. Of course. I would never heard of horace greeley horace greeley i don't know if i have i don't know uh horace greeley was a representative uh a united states representative in the 1800s i don't know what the hell he did but his legacy

to me is that he tried to go neck only and he's the only guy i've ever seen in history who tried to go only neck hair and someone's got to bring it back i don't know if you're the chosen one a look if somebody can pull that max i can see you're thinking about something what do you got that's a terrible idea i think that'll look bad on anybody i don't know i mean i agree with 100%. I think it's a dog shit idea. I think that's why it stopped with Horace Greeley in the 1800s. Let me just say, you're in Omaha. You guys could get some cold winters. I'm talking about your scarf budget is now, you don't need it.

That's going all the way to the kid. So it's just a pitch. Homegrown. All right. So Dylan, here's where we're at. I'm saying rock your dad's mustache. I'm going full home. The legacy. Homegrown. All right, so Dylan, here's where we're at. I'm saying rock your dad's mustache. I'm going full home. The legacy. The legacy.

Gareth is saying only the neck. Max is saying stay consistent with whatever you choose. Just lock into something and don't change. We like to end it by asking what you think you're going to do. change uh we like to end it by asking what you think you're gonna do i like the idea of the soft lead into halloween perhaps costume whole kogan yeah test the waters see how life is like with that that power on my face and just see what i get and if i get too too many bad you know bad reviews in that makes sense then you could sense. Then you could just trim, but then you would just trim the Hogan

and you would go full mustache for the birth of your son. Tom Selleck mustache. Start growing the neck out a little too, just to have it as a plan B. Hey Dylan, will you do us a favor? Sure. When your son is born,

will you take a photo of what you look like and send it to the show? Of course, I would love to do that. Thank you for the call, buddy. Thank you, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen,

you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over. They're, like, asking for snacks.

They're being annoying. Or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help, and Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations. So, Jake,ake for instance if you want to learn uh i started re relearning french through babble a little bit yes because i used to know french but then i don't know french uh but it's still there you know what i like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology yep because the problem with

learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country yes if it can actually help with the accent yeah that's a big ass and applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in like when i think back to taking french it was just like so much it was like i'm never going to do that like how do you order food how do you get a drink how do you ask for directions but So Babbel's great. Now listen. Listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Wait, one quick pause. Should we bring in the closer?

Studies from Yale, this is interesting, Michigan State University and others, prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester in college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke it's just putting schooling in a a different light yes you spend 15 hours let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like well i don't know i didn't go to college 15 hours you just did a semester yeah that's wild yes yes that's a wild study so speaking of language should we bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin

what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer the we were he parked in front of all our cars so might as well oh we can't leave? Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. Keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners.

Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone. At babbel.com slash hth. Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off babbel.com slash hth.

Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash hth. We're going to want you to babble. We want you to babble. I'll tell you what, I don't want to babble your ear off. I've got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions this episode is brought to you by zocdoc zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointment with them online

garth what does that mean to you well it means a lot because as you know my mother was in town for a while uh she had a hip replacement and it was crazy it was a crazy situation and there were so many times so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah. You would use ZocDoc because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know, like using search engines to try to find someone.

And then you call. Do they take your insurance? But the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually- ZocDoc has filters for all that. The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Yeah.

Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like.

That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... He goes, I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located

near you, treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right, Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You never, literally

never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to see you, brother. You literally never left. We're having the best time in the world. Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs you? Free, that's right. And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. dot com slash hth dot com slash hth

hi hey how are you i'm good how are you i'm doing pretty great i it's a real special one today you've got jake johnson gareth reynolds and the woman who plays my longtime love in the new movie Self-Reliance, Natalie Morales. Hello. Hi. What's your name? I'm Courtney. Courtney, where are you calling from?

Madison, Alabama. Ooh, Alabama. I didn't know there was a Madison, Alabama. I didn't either. Just thinking the same thing. Yeah. I like that Jake and Gareth are both already taking notes

I started as a note guy just recently the Garfman started being a note guy but I think his is just chicken scribble I'm playing hangman but it's really fun and I've almost got it he doesn't have to do notes I do notes because I have a true dog shit brain and I forget what's happening I'm like one of those waiters you're terrified of

who's like yep got it and you're like you don't got it you don't got that by the way natalie hate that waiter i hate that waiter too i was i was a waiter and i was never that waiter but i think i courtney i think i got it i think i got courtney from madison alabama so far i think i got that i'll tell you what natalie i was that i wasn't that waiter i would write it down and still fuck it up that makes a lot of sense. So, Courtney, you're from Madison, Alabama. What age are you around? Can you just give us a zone? I'm 35. I don't mind being specific. Atta girl. Now, what's the call about? What can we help you with today?

Sure. So, I was hoping you guys could help me out. It was with my most embarrassing moment. I have a friend a few years ago whose mother passed away. She's a family friend and she was also our photographer and she had taken some family pictures for us. And she was over at our house. Part of her process is that she sees where the photos are going to be so she can install them for you. Interesting. She was over at our house and she was telling me about how she had just come back from her mom's memorial. And she and her brother, her mom was cremated and she and her brother split the ashes.

And what? Oh, sorry. I just want to clarify. You said split the ashes? Split the ashes. Yeah, I got it. Yeah. I got to say, as somebody who's lost a parent, this happens want to clarify. You said split the ashes? Split the ashes. Yeah. I got it. I got to say, as somebody who's lost a parent, this happens. This happens.

Yeah, I thought for a second she said that they flipped the ashes. And I was like, I'm not aware of that lingo. But thank you for clarifying that it's split. I just would like to preface. I don't think anyone really knows what to say when someone's close family member passes away so i do think setup it is your brain goes a little bit blank so she's telling me this and i was like well so now you guys don't know which part of your parents you have i was like what if you have the butthole oh i was just thinking the same thing courtney i when Jake said that I was like I would not want to

have you know my dad's penis if that was what if you just get like a penis and a couple ears no I literally thought the same thing Courtney you and I are simpatico you would have said it too

it depends on how close I was I would have said that to like my best friend or to Jake maybe. Thank you. I appreciate that. You would say, man, what if I have my dad's butthole? This is what would happen. You would say, yeah, my brother and I split it and I would pause and I'd go. And then I'd say it like I would try not to.

And then I wouldn't be able to not say it this is a turn so Courtney you said to your friend about the ashes yeah can you tell us what you specifically said when she said she has half how I remember it is being like wow you know so you don't you don't know what half you have what if you have your mom's butthole and her her face just kind of it just kind of went blank and i'm sure mine did too and she just kind of left i mean we're just like okay bye talk to you later oh wow yeah she left i'm with the photographer okay i have a couple follow-up questions if anybody doesn't mind. How long ago was this, Courtney?

This was just a few years ago. Oh, have you never talked since? No, so that's the other thing. We do talk. So we go to church together. I see her most Sundays. And we have mutual friends. All my friends know about this. They all know it's my most embarrassing moment. Talked about it multiple times.

I have a friend that was in grief share with this girl. And she said, Courtney, every time she would tell her story, all I could think about was that you asked her if she had her mom's butthole. Oh, I thought you were going to say she would share that someone asked her if she had her mom's butthole. Oh, I thought you were going to say she would share that someone asked her if she had her mom's butthole. She'd be like, it was really tough, but then it got a lot tougher. Courtney, do you ever regret not calling it an

ash hole? Hey, guys, thank you guys so much for the call. Natalie, we're going to take it. Thanks, everybody. I gotta go. I'm out of here. Natalie, you jumped on like this is normal. I don't find this normal at all. I mean, that's my brain works like Courtney's brain work.

My other follow up question was, Courtney, did you say it? The tone in which you said it. Was it like this is a light, funny joke to make you feel better in this dark moment? Or were you genuinely curious? Great question. No, it was definitely, I would say, light. Then I think you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I think it was a kind thing that you did.

I'm not with you on that. You're not with me on that? No, no. I think it was a kind gesture. Okay, I'll tell you why I disagree. Courtney, has she ever brought it up to you? That was another question. Because you're saying she's thinking about it.

Never. Okay. She's never been like, oh man, that was good. Yeah. Maybe you can say, hey, remember that time that I said that after your, because it's been a few years. So I feel like it's a little less raw now. Yeah.

And you can ask her, like, was that helpful? Natalie, can you say that? Can you be Courtney and Gareth? Can you try to be the girl or the woman? And just honestly see what happens. I'm going to give her a fake name so as to not embarrass her because I don't want to ask you what her name is, Courtney.

So if I'm like, hey, Luella, was that church great like today? It was a really nice service. I have a question for you okay and it's a little embarrassing for me one of my most embarrassing moments is that after your mom died i think i was trying to cheer you up by asking if when you split her ashes if you ended

up with her asshole and i realized that that may have not been funny at that moment but i wonder if it brought you any kind of solace or if it was terrible. And if it was terrible, I do apologize. No, it was a really awkward. It was really awkward. Um,

just because I mean, I had just gotten them and I had never thought about that. And assholes, just another part of a body. So it's a fair question, but you're going down. Yeah, I am.

I'm defending myself. Yeah. That's not what this moment feels like. It should be about. Right, right, right. Don't do that. Courtney, let's backtrack. fair question but you're going down a weird road here yeah i am i'm defending myself yeah that's not what this moment feels like it should be about right right right don't do that courtney let's backtrack let's backtrack you said okay i'm so sorry i just want you to know that it came from a place of trying to like that's really nice bring you a smile but it's it doesn't mean that it was the right thing to say and i'm that's really nice sorry for that so that's pretty solid at the end. Courtney, what is your actual question today? What do you do now? Yes.

Do I just, for lack of better words, bury it? Or do I? Jesus Christ, Courtney. Courtney, you are funny. Courtney, you're a savage. Or keep going. Do you bury it or what? Or do I apologize?

I think you have the conversation and see if you need to apologize. Maybe preemptively apologize. But Natalie, what you just did and the reason I got to her question was a heck of a pitch. And the way you did it, apart from defending that the asshole is somehow beautiful and part of the body. I wouldn't go down that alley. But the road that you said, bring it up and clarify why you did it i think there's something in that that's right garth what are you feeling here i do think the reopening the um you bringing it up i would yeah i think of the way that natalie did it i would i i think your

group setting is like it's not like the joint circle of bringing up the asshole i feel like that's that makes it feel like hey how good is this bit hey look at yeah look at this circle where it kind of reminds me of what hey look at this we're standing in a butthole speaking of which isn't that what you scattered um so i think yeah i think you go that route i think you just find a way the only other way I could think to bring it up did she take those pictures for you in the long run oh yeah they're hanging in my house yeah

is that any one of those of your mother no no but where were you going on that one have a moment like bye not gonna be here forever someday I'll get the butthole you know what I mean you could kind of you're going back someday i'll get the butthole you know what i mean you could kind of you're going back to the bring up the butthole i said i like natalie's pitch i was

just trying to find a way to kind of grease the butthole wheels a little bit you know what i mean yeah but i think that's repitching the joke as you said it's still repitching the joke my moment was somber my moment was somber you. A somber moment where you go, she's not going to be around forever. I might get her asshole. The mortality of one's mother is something I always struggle with. Someday I'll probably scatter her butthole.

You know, something like that. That's where you're pitching the joke, Gareth. Gareth, are you pitching to say the butthole sincerely? Yes. Is that what you're honestly pitching? Yes, I can thread that needle. That? Yes. I can thread that needle. I can thread that needle.

Don't do that, Courtney. Garf, will you be Courtney? Natalie, will you be Luella? Gareth, will you try this? This is going to be terrible, but I'll commit to it. Let's see if you can do it for real. Let's see if we can do it for real.

So we're looking at a picture of my mother on the wall, the picture that you took. Sure, let's pretend it's that cat behind you that won't stop staring at me okay thank you oh gosh i was so happy with how these pictures came out that you took i really appreciate it oh thank you i thank you i that one of my mother just i don't know it's my favorite for some reason she's beautiful i think it's just

the way that you just you know you you never, you never know when, when they're going to leave you, your parents, they raise you. I know that. Yeah. Sad to think that someday, stop Jake. Sad to think that someday I might be spreading her butthole ashes all over the place. Like what I said to you. You sure think about that a lot.

Well, it's one of my most embarrassing moments and I felt really bad about how that kind of came out that day I just want you to know I think about it a lot and your friendship means a lot no I didn't do it again you just did you goober mute Jake

no I think that it's my way of just sort of saying my bad I understand you do? I got you something. Wait, Luella. Hold on. I got her something. I got you something.

It's a bottle of wine. You're my best friend. I'm not really your best friend. You're very close to me, though. I just go to church with you, and we haven't really talked since you said that awful thing. This is a really good charade. I just see you across the aisle at church and i'm like hello bring it in for a hug sister no i give you peace at church because it's mandatory not i love

you i like you i think it's pretty good there was a nice segue in there but yeah i think the key is that you have to say it is your most embarrassing moment that's heartwarming that's endearing i think you have to say that in when you bring it up and i think that's your thing courtney where's your instinct where are you at here the floor is yours i feel like i'm a bit more confused but i think i would that's why we need you kind of yeah i think i would just maybe bring it up kind of funny although funny didn't play well last time just like like what you guys were saying like i have to tell you what my most embarrassing moment is and it involves you yes and tell her that i am sorry we got the hunk who popped on the zoom kevin what's up here hi courtney it's kevin hey ke are you feeling? You feel like you got enough warm-ups in?

I think I've got some warm-ups and some support and supportive friends here. You ready? Oh, my God. Yeah. What the fuck? We're doing this now? This is high stakes. Wait, what the fuck? Okay. All right.

Kevin, hold on. The real woman's coming on? She's just got high stakes. Wait, what the fuck? Okay. All right. Let's. Kevin, hold on. The real woman's coming on? She's in the waiting room. Courtney, you knew about this, yeah? Yes. You're a butthole lady? Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm sweating, but I have to tell you something. Before we do it, Courtney, just go like, I know this is a weird place to bring it up on a podcast that a lot of people are going to hear, but that's just to let you know that that's how much I care about you, that I'm willing to embarrass myself again because I want to set this straight.

Say something like that. And avoid anything I pitched. Yes, but also, Courtney. Yeah. I would not say the fucking word butthole because, and Kevin, maybe mute me if I laugh. We cannot laugh at this. This is the highest stakes.

Holy shit, Kevin. Also, maybe this is not something that we know. I bet Kevin knows. Maybe Courtney knows. Do we know? If she knows, why she's on? No. No idea.

Jesus Christ. No. All right, we got gotta gamble. So Courtney, Courtney, the floor is gonna be yours. I'm gonna set us up a little bit with her. Kevin, can they see us? Nope. Okay, great. Thank you. I really, really recommend

you start with an apology, sincerity, and talk about what she means to you and how this is your embarrassing moment. This changes advice on this show dramatically. Wait, you know, maybe do Gareth's. I hope I get the bottle. I already said walk away from anything I said.

You walk away from anything I said. All right, let's bring her on. All right, I'm an idiot. We're not talking. Yeah, we're muted. No, we're talking. Oh, God. We're here, Big Mama.

We're here. Hello? Hello? Hi. Am I Big Mama? No, Natalie're here, Big Mama. We're here. Hello? Hello? Hi. Am I Big Mama? No, Natalie Morales is Big Mama, but you can be Big Mama if you want. Hey, you're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, Big Mama, Natalie Morales. And can we get your name, please?

Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Hi, Jamie. I just want to say this. Thank you for joining our podcast. Your friend Courtney emailed us because there's something that she's really embarrassed by that involves you. She cares about you a lot.

And here we are. Courtney, the floor is yours. Oh, okay. Hey, Jamie. Hey, Courtney. So I got to get something off my chest. It involves my most embarrassing moment. A few years ago, when you were talking about when your mom passed away and you guys split the ashes.

I don't know if you remember this at all. And we split the what? The ashes my response the ashes oh yeah yeah yeah yeah and I my response was I hope you don't have the butthole and that I don't remember I was apparently very traumatized by that. Wait, Jamie, you do not remember. I don't. I don't remember. I don't. This is a big win. That's what I thought might happen. Wow. So, Jamie, let us walk you through what's happening here. Courtney has been embarrassed about this for a long time and she has felt shame and she wanted to apologize and you don't even remember and she's laughing now which is a good

sign yes yes i i am married to a very sarcastic man so um that is probably not the worst thing i've i've heard and that honestly sounds a lot like Courtney to me, which is why I love her. So we've all grown to love Courtney. Yeah. You gotta laugh at life. Courtney, how do you feel? You know, I do feel a lot of weight gone,

but then I also feel like... Like your joke didn't land? You also feel like like your joke didn't land you also feel like what like i could have just not said anything well like you shouldn't have said anything like this was all for nothing but you would still be welcome to the podcast you would still be right back all for nothing wow i'm gonna lean on jamie a little, the new voice in the room. So you're feeling you don't remember it. It wouldn't have offended you at the time. You just know, Courtney, this is water under the bridge. You're good friends. And it's for nothing. It's all fine. but I don't know if it's really a memory or if it's just, I know Corey says of humor. And so it doesn't surprise me that she said that, but,

but that's, that's also why I love her because she would say something like that. You seem like a great person. Can I ask you a quick pitch? Uh, what if she said sincerely, you know, your photographs are beautiful.

What's your problem? Maybe one day when my mother dies, I, I really hope I get the butthole. And offers you a bottle of wine. Really confused because she didn't remember it happening. Do you drink wine, Jamie? Jamie, do you drink? I don't. I'm feeling like I could.

There you go. I was right on so many points. Natalie, you were right. I was right on so many points. Natalie, you were right. I would say our final advice to you, Courtney, now, is you owe Jamie a really nice dinner for being part of this journey with you. So I think you two ladies, my advice in closing is you guys should go out.

It is on, Courtney. Jamie, your favorite restaurant, and you guys have a big laugh together. I think we should get some pork butt. I do. Yeah, you can get some pork butt. I do. Get some pork butt. Get some pork butt. Pork butt. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds.

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke.

You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HeadGum Podcast.