We're Here to Help - 37: Cats and Dogs with Damon Wayans Jr.

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Damon Wayans Jr. talk to a caller about a very specific insecurity. Later, Jake and Gareth help someone confront an alpha cat in the neighborhood.  Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com! Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPod See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello everybody! We're back! And we're back! Big episode. Huge! Hello, everybody. We're back. And we're back. Big episode. Huge. A guy from the pilot of New Girl. Yep. Then season four or three till the end.

Yep. My co-star in Let's Be Cops. Yep. A guy who I text with most days of my life. Okay. Whose kids know when I'm texting him because he changes. And mine know when I text him. What does that mean?

So we've created like a- A a tone a tone uh a guy who we have say really make our kids say really weird things in videos that we send to each other mr damon waynes jr somebody my mother refers to is that wild wavens wavens is who wasn't good on the new girls because he's wild and it was better without him well i told you my story about when my mother started watching new girl and she ended up watching my girl and not understanding i was like well you're watching a movie from the 90s that is nothing oh that's right yeah i got one also there's a podcast called Heavyweight, which I love. It's just really funny. Yeah, you talked about that. It's great.

And so I recommended it to my buddy Clay, but I typed in heavyweights, which I guess is a movie. No. Yeah. Which is, I guess, a very religious podcast. Oh, wow. And he texted me back. This is Clay.

Yeah. My buddy Clay Allen. He texted me back trying to get into it, man. A lot of men crying, talking about faith. If that's what you're into, I had a hard time sticking with it. And I went, no, I'm sure the host, he's a Jewish guy from Canada, and there's all bits, and heart. And he goes like, really? And I Googled, and he goes, let's blame dyslexia. It's singular,

my guy. But we got a fun one today. We do. And we want to, you know, we always thank people for sharing. It's the holiday season. So we want to do something where people continue to share the show. So we're saying this year, give a friend or a family member or someone you care about the gift of this podcast. We want you to recommend this show to a friend, that conversation, give us a screenshot of it or confirmation that they've listened to the show, send it in to the email and we'll start sharing it on social media. Or to send it directly to the Instagram. Or send it to the Instagram. You can email us at helpfulpod at gmail.com or we're all over instagram so just share it there but uh but we

really appreciate it and once people start listening to the show they never stop so we're just trying to get in the blood of every human known to man and so as we say to lead us into the show ke You're on the show. We're here to help. Can I get your first name, please? Michael. Michael. Where are you from, Michael? I am from Arkansas, unfortunately. Arkansas, unfortunately. And about how old are you, sir? About you're about 20 that's cool uh you're on today with jake johnson gareth reynolds and a very special guest to my heart a man i did a movie with called let's be cops and we hung out every day and since then we text every day to the point of it weirds out my family because I use a different voice when we're texting.

Mr. Damon Wayans Jr. is on the show. What's up, young man? Hi. How you doing? Oh, I'm beautiful. So, Michael, can you please let us know why you're calling in today and what we can try to help with? You got three shooters behind you, so I think you're going to be in good shape on this fight. What do you got?

So I, like many people my age, spend a lot of time on TikTok, right? Sure. And I came across this page. This girl has a pit bull that she's very proud of. I can't remember the page. And it gets to this shot of the pit bull that she's she's very proud of like i can't remember the page but and uh it gets to this this shot of of the pit bull in the hallway and he's uh he's fully erect you can see the pit bull's entire red rocket and i realized that uh at least proportionate to the pit bull's body he's he's got a little bit more got a little bit more than I do.

In terms of mass, I've probably got him beat. But just proportionately. Mike, is this a real call, my guy? Wait. It is. Go ahead, Gareth.

So you see this dog has, dare I say, a big cock, and this has affected you. I would say so. In what way specifically, just so we can put a finer point on it to know where we're headed? Well, I'm a pretty big guy, right? I'm 6'3", and just the fact that a dog that is a third of my size probably had a giant...

Did he have a beat? I mean, I didn't get a chance to compare, but probably. I don't know. So what happened after you made that realization? First thing I did was close the app because I didn't plan on seeing that. And I really just did some self-reflection uh i haven't uh i haven't been sexually active in a while wait hold on mike can i call you mike you can so mike you're walking around at six three were you not sexually active before you saw the red dick or was it seeing that

big, uh, pit bull hog that threw you off? I'd say it threw me off. Now, can I ask you a personal question? We're not doing first and last names. Have you ever considered the fact that you have a small dick, a medium dick or a large one? Where are you at, uh, in between your legs? Where's your rocket at? I'd say I'm average. I wouldn't call it small, but average. Have you ever had complaints from ladies or gentlemen, whichever way you go?

No complaints, no, but they could be acting. You never know. I mean, did this pit bull have an enormous cock? Was it the John Holmes of pit bulls? It was definitely up there. He was definitely pumped on testosterone. Do you watch porn uh occasionally i guess when you watch porn do you see do i mean if you watch porn you see there are

enormous schlongs on porn has that ever affected you or this yeah okay so you just you have some penile insecurities maybe and the dog dick just of... Did the dog have the look like it knew that it had a big dick? Mm-hmm. Like the smirk, you know what I mean? The wink? It looked pretty smug. He owned the place. He was the man of the house.

I think this is easy for me. Mine is easy, too. Go ahead, Garf. You go first. mine is easy too go ahead Garf you go first this is tough because if you really are feeling that this is red rocked you

all I could say is that I wouldn't worry about the dog's dick too much I hate to say it I think that's solid advice I just it's a dog dick and yeah without knowing you let me tell you this

without knowing you your dick is fine you have a fine dick you can't say that gareth because you don't know you're fantasizing but you don't know michael your dick is fine it's fine here's what i'm good is that pitbull's dick or don't know that gareth you're getting most women would rather that dick than the dog dick go ahead jake i think i'm off the rails here here's what i would say if this was your girlfriend's pit bull then we would have a problem if this was a woman you recorded and she you said like i want to go on a date with you she says i'm really interested i want you to meet my pit bull you saw the pit bulls dick and that dick beats your dick. Then maybe you just saw a big pit bull dick. Don't go back on that girl's page.

Wait, we're not talking about pit bull, the musician, are we? Because if so, that this whole thing is different. No. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Keep going. But you could just close her page.

She's not directly linked to you. I think you just, you know, if you've ever seen a movie that scared you, you see Jaws, you don't want to go in the ocean. You got to get it out of your mind so you can jump back in. Well, you saw Jaws and you just got to not go back and see that page. If you see a white pit bull, just get off the app, but it's not directed in your life. She does that. Dog's not living in your house. Damon, where are you at on this?

I agree. I agree. I think, I think just kind of out of sight, out of mind. If you ever, you know, want to look at it again,

you know where it is. Why would he want to look at it again though? You know, the first time you see a big dick, it's shocking. Right. And then the more you look at it yeah but how many times are you suggesting he looks at it man i'm just like look at it until

it doesn't bother you anymore until oh that's interesting advice desensitize yourself 100 zoom in over here if you work from what i've heard okay so here in conclusion uh gareth says blow it off i say well yeah i wouldn't or choice the words i'm sorry you're right you're right you're gareth and i i agree that one was on me that's yeah that one's a mistake that's an error yeah gareth says don't worry about it better i say never go back to the app again damon says keep going back and staring at this dog dick so much that it is no longer an issue for you yeah now the question at the end of this podcast michael because you're the only one that matters is what do you think you're going to do? I'm kind of leaning towards Damien's answer there.

Really? Yeah. I mean, I don't want to get too personal, but my mom's in therapy, and she's done some exposure to therapy, and that really helped her. So you're really going with Damien's. You're going to go back, and you're going to look at this dick a bunch to get overexposed so that you're not as intimidated by it? Not a bunch, but, you know,

the more you, you know, stare into the red rocket, the less intimidated. I think that's better than running from it. 100%. Well, I got to say, this is the first time where I don't agree with the advice taken.

But Michael, we appreciate you calling and I hope it helps. We are here to help. Damon Wins Jr. is taking you on a very strange path and I hope it works for you, my guy. Yeah, just don't blow it off. Thank you for the call, my friend. Go ahead. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake.

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well i don't know i didn't go to college 15 hours you just did a semester yeah that's wild yes yes that's a wild study so speaking of language should we bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. What? I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well.

Oh, we can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something.

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This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online Garth what does that mean to you well it means a lot because as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. doc yeah you would use that doc because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance but the problem has it's all there

for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what i like i actually use zocdoc we since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI.

The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this, well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc, but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance, locate it near you, treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment

quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right, Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother.

You literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear? How much does that cost you? Free. That's right. And then find and book a top rated doctor today.

That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash HTH. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. Hello? Hello. Can you hear me? We got you. How are you? I'm well. How are you all? Good. This is Jake and Gareth. You're on the podcast. We're here to help. Cool. Before we get into the question, what's your name, your age, and where are you from, friend? My name is Nick. I live in southeast Portland, and I'm 37 years old. Okay, Nick. Great.

Take it away. The floor is yours. So in my neighborhood, there's a lot of cats. And one who kind of recently hit the scene, he's like sort of this like chunky guy named Herbert. And- You said Hoover? Herbert. Oh, Herbert. Yeah, like Herbert Hoover Herbert but the first name yeah gotcha okay

so the cat moves into my neighborhood and kind of like immediately starts taking over like he he came into my house and ate my cat's food he scratched my girlfriend like like, you know, kind of that sort of personality, right? Recently, I've been getting woken up in the morning because either the crows outside my bedroom window start making a ton of noise or my next door neighbor has been yelling at the crows. One of those two things. next door neighbor has been yelling at the crows one of those two things and it turns out the reason why is because herbert has some kind of feud going with these crows and so my next door neighbor is trying to uh protect his cat but these crows are trying to protect themselves

and between those two uh you know it's causing me some sleep. So my problem is I like Herbert. I like the crows. I like my neighbor, but I also like sleep. This is a good call, Nick. This is a good, this is a good call.

So the kind of question, just to kind of paraphrase this before Gareth and I start kind of diving in is what do you do about fucking herbert who's ruining the neighborhood because he's kind of herbert's that man yeah yeah okay uh so i'm going to start off on this one and gareth is going to have a lot of thoughts because he's the he's the resident cat man but i do have i do have two cats they're outdoor cats and one of my cats is a herbert his name is peter he's moved with us four times uh everywhere we go he just we took him to a vet once the vet said like this is the healthiest cat we've ever seen he just murders

rats and the only thing that ever happened for us in terms of Peter was when he got older, he settled down, but I've never had more stare offs with an animal that I've had with Peter where I've been afraid for my life. And every once in a while we lock eyes and I think this is a bad man and I don't want to cross. So I think you're in an interesting spot with Herbert because Herbert's walking into your home and eating food. I'll tell you who Herbert's not afraid of, and that's Nick from Portland. Yeah, or my cat. It's my cat's food that he eats.

He eats. He'll eat your dinner, Nick. He'll jump on your bed, eat your dinner. Herbert's like steaks. He's ready to party. He has a Manhattan. Yeah. So you basically have a bully who's moved into the neighborhood. And does Herbert belong to your neighbor, or is he a straight-up stray?

I believe he belongs to my neighbor. Interesting. Oh, okay. I thought he was just a neighborhood stray. I thought he was, too. No, I mean, he definitely hangs out over there. They definitely know his name also. Okay, so that makes...

Actually, his name is Herbert. He's not a stray. Yeah. Strays don't have names. Yeah, it wasn't his name also. Okay, so that makes – actually, his name is Herbert. He's not a straight. Yeah. Straights don't have names. I mean – The world I was picturing was wonderful. Hello, I just moved to the dumpster. Hello, everyone.

Herbert. Got to go way tougher with a voice than Herbert in that one. I'm sorry. All right, then, yes, me, Herbert. What's up? Herbie. All right, then. Yeah, it's me, Herbert. What's up? Herbie! All right, yeah, look out. Move out of the way.

Come on, what's this cavern for dinner? Give me that kibble. Move, move! Yeah, that's Herb. Well, what I was going to suggest is that you film it to see what the hell is going on. But then, is this the neighbor that's yelling? You believe that neighbor, that is Herbert's owner?

Yeah, that's yelling you believe that neighbor it he that is herbert's owner as far yeah that's my suspicion so i we we had a brief conversation about it but i still don't know for sure that that's yeah well maybe you need to have a bigger conversation you know just explain that there's you know i mean it's just like there's a new the something new has moved into the ecosystem it's a bit disruptive um it's what bothers you more the neighbor yeah can i can i jump in on this one yeah uh because it feels like the the problem is herbert it's not the crows it's not the neighbor it's her crows were there before yeah but the crows weren't crowing and waking him up until herbert came and so we're not positive where herbert's. We're not positive he's a neighbor. Sounds like London.

instantly follow him, see where he goes, track him, write notes, figure out where his routine is, what his life is, figure out what he's doing to those crows. Cause I just think you're suggesting a cat stock. I full on would do a cat stock. And when he gets let out in the morning, if it is the neighbor, then you could say to the neighbor after you know it, Hey, my man, can you not let your cat out until 10 a.m.? He's killing me. But I think you need more information before you go knocking on his door and having a complaint because he could say, listen, Nick, you're out of line. It's not even my cat.

I think you go to the neighbor. I mean, look, I'm all for a cat stalk. I love following cats and taking notes. But I think you go to the neighbor. I think you say to the neighbor, you go, hey, is Herbert yours? Wow, what a great chunky monkey. I love this cat. This is awesome. I will say there's been an uptick in morning noise. Have you noticed the crows don't like Herbert? And just I would float it out there, you know, maybe bring a bottle of wine over to kind of grease the wheels a little bit.

Yeah, but what's the conversation if Herbert also breaks into my house and eats my cat's food? There's a lot of issues with Herbert. But that's, look, yes, that's very true. So I think this is- Well, how is he breaking in? What is he using, a credit card on the window?

I mean, how's he getting in your house? Nick, how does he get in? Yeah, how does he get in? So I have to let my cat out, right? Well, I don't have to, I guess. So I let my cat out. Herbert comes in. When you open the door?

Put Nick, put your leg out. Not like simultaneously. Oh, you'll leave the door open. Yeah, exactly. First of all, here's my first piece of advice. I think you've got to stand up to herbert a little bit i think he's i think he's i think the first he's bullying you i think first order of business is when that cat comes in you got to do the

and put the leg up so herbert goes what the fuck and you go not not today not today and it's gonna have a little bit he might do the like cat crouch you go, not today. Not today. And it's going to have a little bit, he might do the like cat crouch, you know, and give you that look. And Nick, you stand strong. You give him a not today.

And you scurry him out. I hope your neighbor is doing a cat stalk and sees you and starts taking notes and you kind of see him behind a tree taking notes on you and your behavior. That's my dream. So me and Herbert are friendly though. That's like maybe part of the problem. You're saying kind of see him behind a tree taking notes on you and your behavior that's my dream so me and herbert are friendly though that's like maybe part of the problem you're saying kind of

like yeah i'm saying he's going into your house and eating your other cat's food we got to change our relationship why not preempt the herbert break-ins by leaving when you let your cat out put a little dish of kibble out on your porch so that Herbert doesn't have to come in and eat your cat's dinner. I like it better than cat talk. Yeah. What I realized in this call and possibly our last call, which won't air this way, but we've had two cats in a row. There's a weakness in this show and we give bad cat advice. Yeah. It's tough. It's tough. It's tough to get inside the head of the animal. Because I got to tell you, I've been very happy with our advice. Well, wait, the question would be, Nick, are you single? No.

Okay, never mind. Because if you were, do we have a lady in Virginia for you? My only question would be, if you like Herbert and your cat, are you looking to add 16 more to the mix? No. I guess we got to say on this one, Nick, we got to come up with some sort of solution. I would say I'm going to lean into the cat stalk. I think you need more Intel. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with Herbert. So maybe don't do my scowl routine. Uh, I would not let him

in the house, pet him outside. If he tries coming in, then tell that to tell his big ass to go out, lift him up, say like, no, no, no. He's got to learn that he doesn't get to come in. And then if you know for sure, it's the neighbor, then you do the bottle of wine and say, could you not let him out until after this time? Cause he'd been waking me up. And if you say it in a nice enough way, I'm sure you could solve the sleep problem. And then you just got to deal. Herbert has to know you're the boss that's what i would do i would i would just i would go to the neighbor i would just have

a quick conversation see what's up bottle of wine always have it good way and um and see what's going on and then maybe you do the porch kibble i mean if not then you just i mean it sounds like a fun little chunky adventure you're taking with herbert so let him eat your cat supper and then just refill it you got two cats hanging out but i would i would start by doing the soft cat stock which is going to the neighbor and being like hey yeah do you have a linebacker cat yeah this is uh this is really good advice thanks guys, guys. Yeah, you're welcome. Do you mean that? I do. I do. Yeah. It's like maybe it's one of those problems that

when you're in it, you just can't see how simple it is. So, yeah. I mean, I think that's what you do. We would love to know what happens. We would love to know who, you know, who the actual owner is or any of that. So, will you keep us posted on that? I will. Thank you. Thank you, Nick. All the best to you, buddy.

Thanks for the call. All right, perfect. Well, good luck, Nick. All right, I appreciate it. Bye. Tell Herbert what's up. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds.

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke.

You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HeadGum Podcast.