We're Here to Help - 4: Don’t Call it Body Lotion with Lamorne Morris

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Lamorne Morris chat with a caller about potentially being caught on camera.Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello everybody and welcome back to the podcast. We're here to help. This is episode four. We have a really special one today, don't we, Garfman? Yes, because it's for the first time we have a guest. We kind of sometimes think we'll bring in friends of one of us or of the show and have them sort of help with the advice, and this is our first guest. Yeah, he's a great friend and a co-worker

from New Girl for a lot of seasons. Mr. Lamorne Morris joins the show. And I just got to say, I think it's a perfect call for him specifically. Yes, Lamorne is great on this call. And we get into this later on in the show, but he's also, he directed my character on New Girl, but we won't get into that.

No, he didn't. Yes, he did. Oh, wait, he directed that episode? Jake, I'm not going to do this. But I think Lamorne is- He did not remember you from that. So that's a great thing to start. So if you're listening to this,

you will hear at the beginning, stop, Kevin, we don't need you right now, hunk of the show. I think you'll hear at the beginning, Lamorne definitely knows who I am and does remember me from New Girl. So a little back story is Gareth in season seven

did a very small part on the show where they give small parts names. That's interesting. Keep going. Security guard. Brian. You named him Brian. The name is Brian and i don't know where it came from but it was established i know where it came from on set you yelled i'm brian the security guard and the writer said why is he doing this and i said he's my buddy he'll never stop listen uh all

that matters is it is on imdb brian so all that matters is you told me you went to IMDb and put the name Brian in, Garth. We got where we did. Let's look forward. Go ahead, Jake. Let's keep it on the pod, okay? Good Lord. Agreed. So Lamorne Morris comes in today and absolutely crushes it.

He's just the best. And we have now started opening up the podcast to special guests. We've got more fun ones to come. So without further ado, which is my catchphrase, Wait! This is Brian all over again. This is Brian again!

We bring you the Garfman himself. Me, the new Garfman. What? A.K.A. Brian from New Girl. I don't know what's happening anymore. A.K.A. Security Guard. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the pod.

Hi, can you hear me? Yeah, we got you perfectly. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for having me on. It's an honor and a privilege. Well, it's an honor to have you. Can we get your name, please? Can I give a fake name?

You can give whatever you want. Sure. Okay. My name is Emma. Emma, you're on with Gareth Reynolds, Jake Johnson, and our special guest, a dear friend, Chicago native, Lamorne Morris. Welcome to the podcast, Lamorne. Oh, thank you for having me. Oh, my gosh. Thank you. Hi, Lamorne Morris. Welcome to the podcast, Lamorne. Thank you for having me. Hi, Lamorne.

Hey, Emma. Emma, real quick, what's your real name? That's a great question. I would love to tell you, but I'm not going to. Good, I'm with you, Emma. Don't be bullied by Lamorne. It's going to be hard, but I'll try. Emma, we brought Lamorne on today because we got

your email. We think he's an expert on this subject. So, Emma, please go ahead. And would you tell us a little bit about why you're calling in today? Well, I'm calling because I had this super embarrassing story happen to me. And it was so humiliating that I couldn't tell anybody at all. And when I saw you post on Instagram about sharing embarrassing stories, I was like, okay, perfect opportunity to admit a story that I would never have shared otherwise. So that's what I'm calling it out. It's a good start. It's a good start.

We love this. Yeah. So just a few months ago, I had some friends from college who asked me to pet sit for them for a week. And this was like the most, the most exciting thing ever, because I live with roommates, and there's no alone time, and I'm an introvert. And so it's just always busy. And so I jumped at this opportunity to just be alone for a whole week. And so when I get there, I am so excited, I get to just be a human for an entire week. And of course, that consists of just near constant masturbation, because there is absolutely no place to do that in private, in like the way that I would normally want to. So as this week goes on, I am just so excited because I can even do it in the living

room, like in public. It's just the most exhilarating thing. The whole week long, I am just having the time of my life. And then the week comes to a close about an hour before I'm supposed to leave. I've just finished my final session. And I look up and realize that staring directly at me is a pet camera. Oh, my God. directly at me is a pet camera oh my god and i immediately go into the biggest panic attack of my entire life and totally blacked out and threw the pet camera out the window because you know what else you're going to do in that moment you know you can't throw yourself out the window it's all recorded so yeah this is i'm understanding the fake name a little bit now i

think i kind of yeah right name part so lamar really quickly you know now for sure why we brought you on for this one correct i don't know anybody who masturbates at a level that my man lamar morris i go to work oh man is her the same way yeah but when i do it i always make sure i look out for that little red dot in the sky you know what i mean you've been talking about that red dot since the 80s i know because that's crazy yeah yeah how can you tell though if it's like wireless there's no red dot listen if you didn't see a red dot, I got news for you. They may not have been recording. Yeah, I bet they were. So, okay, first of all, I'm a, so the question is basically, and I'm asking, not telling, you spent a week house-sitting some pets, you masturbated all week, you're afraid that

they saw, correct? Correct. And I have not spoken to them since. I am too humiliated and I have no idea how to approach this. Are they close friends of yours they uh are but they are out of state so i don't actually have to see them that often how long ago was this just a few months ago okay just that's i got news for you they saw it they i mean i think for sure oh man and i also think everybody in your

extended group of friends has heard about it i like that you just see this as a real masturbation holiday that's very relatable anyone who i've ever pet sat for stayed in their house absolutely like when i had roommates it was like when i lived with my girlfriend at the time and she would leave town it was just i really understand the let's let it rip uh attitude and i fully support it so i don't want you to think that we're like you know what you did is i look i've been there i think that's great i support it uh unfortunately yeah technology has caught up with us house-sitting masturbators. All right, look, this is shameful and embarrassing, but I also, if I'm alone in a hotel room, first thing, you got to let it rip. The way they call the body lotion, it's like body lotion hotel. Really?

This is masturbation sauce. Can I interrupt for a second? Because Lamar is making faces as if he doesn't let it rip. He's shaming us. Yeah. Well, that's a lie. Come on. No, no, no. It's not.

It's not that I listen as a single man. You know, these hands don't get much use because I can tell you others do. You get what I'm trying to say? Nobody gets what you're saying. We're talking about masturbation. What I'm saying. Yeah. What I'm trying to say is I get, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. What I'm saying, yeah, what I'm trying to say is I get, you know what I'm saying? No.

What I'm trying to say. Gareth and I have all admitted that, you know, we let it rip and you said something about these hands get used. Are you talking about on yourself? No, no, they don't get used. They're unused. I date around sometimes. And I got to say, you know, if I'm home alone, I'd like to take that opportunity to maybe spend an evening

alone with a lovely young lady that I am dating. Okay, how about if there's no lady there? Then I'm jerking it! Okay, there we go. That's what we need you. I jerk it from the back, I jerk it from the side. I like to get a mirror, you know what I'm saying?

I like to put that mirror on the floor, I like to get creative. Slow down. You've overcorrected. You've overcorrected. I like to take all the security cameras in the house and put them in a circle. You know what I'm saying? Just so I can really make sure.

The idea of you setting up with mirrors is incredible. It's like the end of Enter the Dragon, but with masturbating. You're laughing. I'm out here taking notes, though. So thank you for that. So here's where we're at. So you let that week go. It's a tough situation.

It is very embarrassing. When you said the way that I want, what does that actually mean? What do you mean? You said you had the living room to yourself. I want to know how embarrassing this gets before we start figuring out if there's a move. I mean, are you just like quietly masturbating under a blanket on a couch or how are you Lamorne Morris in it? Do you have mirrors set up? Are you getting weird? Where are we at here? That's right. Oh man. We're talking like exhibitionist, full volume, problematic types of videos, just everything that you could possibly imagine.

Can you give us a feel of what's problematic? Yeah, what's your search history looking like? Oh, just, you know, power dynamic kind of thing. Emma, I'm with you on power dynamic. I knew you would be. The question comes when you finished this week, right. And you, so you, I'm going to just try to put myself in your situation here, your house sitting, you're fired up. What a great week. You masturbate like crazy. You had yourself,

you know, like a little staycation, if you will, then you see the camera and you know, if this is serious, which is what we're taking it as, that's a fucking living nightmare. if this is serious which is what we're taking it as that's a fucking living nightmare if i said if i had friends who saw me masturbate for a week i would be so deeply embarrassed and i would have you guys play this is real play this is real because that is it really is the worst that's a deep shame i am telling you i have never been closer to jumping out of the window i really like the panic just like you have to just not be here anymore. This is the worst thing that could have happened. So when it ended and they come back and get the keys, there's no turnover. You didn't have to see them. Nope. Nope. I left it under a trash can and

that was it. I just never spoke to them again and haven't heard anything either. So do you have a mutual friend who you trust like a buddy? Because I think what we need to get to here in terms of your extended group and just a life of living with a certain level of embarrassment and shame, I think we got to know if they saw it, because there is a reality of they have a pet cam, but they don't watch it. Right. Like I had, but a buddy of mine had, uh, is a house sitter and he was house sitting for another friend and you could see in the video what that person's doing. And my friend said like, you know, you know, because a light would go on in movement.

Okay. So we got to just figure out like some, some people have these, like, a ring camera, and they're not even set up anymore. So do you have a trusted third friend, Lamorne Morris, if you will, that you could go to to kind of, you know, bridge the situation? Do you have anybody near them that you trust? Possibly, but would I have to tell them the stories? What you could do in this situation is you could ask them if they ever said anything about the house sitting. You could say, like, you really enjoyed it. Blah, blah, blah. Go ahead, Lamar.

Or you could say you lost something. You could say, is there any way you could check the cameras? I can't seem to find my credit card. You can't do that because if they didn't watch the videos. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, I got news for you. These cameras, they record sometimes 60 days. That's it.

Ooh. Yeah, sometimes less. Sometimes less. Sometimes less. They can't have forever storage. It would be interesting if you were like, I left my rings and they were like, did you check your vagina? Because we checked the tape and it feels

like that's where most of your fingers were. It would also be a nightmare if you said, hey, will you check the tapes and they go, we haven't watched them and then they sit and watch and go, she asked us to watch her masturbate for seven days. So we don't know where your wallet is, but we know where

it isn't. That feels like its own exhibitionist kind of a thing i don't know if i can do that gareth what you got um yeah well i think that first of all do you know what kind of camera it was have you done any research into kind of the tech like okay so what kind of camera was it and what do you know as far as the time that it holds on to a recording and how you know if it's recording okay it's been months ago so let me tell you i did block out a lot of this for trauma reasons but sure i do remember i googled the type of camera that it was and i was excited that it was not plugged in but then i found out it was a wireless camera and had a second panic

emma do you remember the name of the brand oh it was i think it was called pet cam but it was something very similar to that name like a play on word okay okay i got you hey hey listen to me it looks like a little uh apple charger like a little block so lamorne you're kind of going wasn't plugged in you're kind of going with but plugged in doesn't necessarily matter no unless it had a battery you know if it wasn't plugged into a wall there's no power yeah that's true well it means at some point it probably stopped recording if it was but i'm just curious yeah i could very easily be on battery when they left i'm gonna kind of go towards the

advice mode here for this call and emma as we've said before the advice is not necessarily good but we're trying to be on your side. We're trying to help figure it out. And, you know, the truth is getting caught potentially masturbating for a week straight is a humiliating life experience. But they have not brought it up. So I personally, if I were you, I wouldn't do the third party thing I was saying. I would bury this in the deep graveyard of secrets and move forward. I would never bring it up. I would just keep this as one of those life shameful moments. And hopefully one day in years you're drinking with them or you're at an

event and you can hint at it. And hopefully either you get the truth or just bury this one and move on. You know, that was, that was going to be my plan until your podcast lamorne gareth you guys got any thoughts on what you would do if you were emma you know i would look them square in the eye and i would use keywords to see if they flinch uh give me an example pretend them then you're at a wedding so hold on yeah you house that for me you're lamorne i'm jake you masturbated for a week straight you saw there's a camera we see each other in four months out of a wedding of a friend what's up back of my mind knowing that i shot all over your sheets okay cool so um jake johnson what's going on man not

much my man how about you bud man me and my girl we got we got into it yesterday you know it's crazy it was a very uh interesting power dynamic that we had okay that's cool man cool did you did you get any of that shrimp cocktail that was good i had like two cups of it oh man you know one thing that i do love is shrimp cock tail when it's when i'm eating it are you okay i'm good man i'm good say jake real quick question but while i got you here um because it's rare that we see each other has there ever did you ever get chance to be alone you know what i'm saying when the old ball i'm gonna take off lamorne you're acting really weird and i don't appreciate this vibe at a wedding of a close friend of ours my man that's awesome also i

jerk off in my house man and I don't find that appropriate. No! No! That was a great demonstration. I so appreciate the role play. Thank you, guys. Garfield, you got anything here? Well, first of all, what a great power dynamic.

I'm a little turned up, so I get it. You and me both. Here's what I'll say. I think Jake's advice is right. I think, Lamorne, you know, if you want to know, then something like that is the way to go. But I think Jake's right. In order to know, you've got to inform them more,

and I just think that's probably right. And I'm just going to tell you, my gut, my gut, is that they didn't see it. I don't think they saw it. The only thing that bothers me is that you haven't spoken to them in so long. So it might be worth floating out a text for some reason just to not even find out, just to kind of like be clear. We're moving forward.

Maybe you saw me diddling for a week this is good yeah maybe you didn't but either way i have now realized that we are moving past we live in a different world we live in a post me doing this world and and let's just move forward hey garrett could that text be about the pets i don't I think if it was like a week ago, I think if it was a week ago, yes. But I think that it's been months. I feel like it should be something else. Otherwise, I feel like you're kind of still living in it a little bit.

Lamar, go ahead. You're pointing a finger, Lamar. Go ahead. Yeah, but I also want you to be really, really careful here because we are walking a very, very dangerous line't want to we don't want to king shame anybody because everybody does it everybody does it it's almost like you went to take a shit and realize you left the door open and there was a camera pointing you know it's just natural what you're doing is yeah great analogy yeah it's natural why when you're talking like this why has your voice

changed because honestly I'm a scientist and professor of love logic and also labias so i'm here but here's what's different no this is we all masturbate we don't all masturbate in other people's homes while their pets are watching us i have just admitted to it jake no yeah i'm talking hotels I've house sat and whacked it in there with the cat sitting next to me. What are you going to do? Yeah, gross. So I've got a question, Emma. In terms of the email reach out, did you bond with any of their pets?

Oh, absolutely. What kind of pets do they have? I know it's going to be ironic, but a cat. Okay, so you connected with the cat a little bit? Oh, very much so, yeah. I would personally go a little bit different than Gareth in something, and I would write something like, you know, hey guys, just thinking of, what's the cat's name?

I'm hoping you're changing the cat's name too. We don't want to be able to trace it down. I did not. Gertrude. It's Gertrude. That's the real name. Okay. So could you possibly write something of,

and is this weird to say something like, Hey, I hope you guys are good. Had a funny memory of what a great cat. And if they do not write back, that means you are an enormous character in their discussion of the girl who masturbated in front of nonstop. And you're a huge character. If they write back like, oh, a W.W., you're the best.

Then they didn't watch it is my guess. OK, guys. So I like it. What do you guys what do people think? Well, here's why. This is a hard one. Let's say you hit their car in the driveway and you're wondering for a while, do they know I hit their car? I don't think being like, how's the car driving?

I think get away from this area of thinking as much as possible because let's say they did. Let's say they did. Then you're going like, hey, let's say they did let's say they did then you're going like hey let's circle back on when i you know played with myself all week in your house i think you go with something more like i don't know i don't know the specifics of the relationship but something if you can think of some other reason to reach out it's just saying hey we no longer we we don't do this anymore and the way you can find out maybe is if they ever ask you to do it again if they ever ask you to do it again you're in the clear or or they're perverts yeah or they're perverts they like that power dynamic because they might

say hey do you want uh we we're gonna take our cat with us this time. We're going to set up some more pet cams. Do you mind house-sitting for just the night? Can we watch you house-sit tonight? So, Emma, I got a question for you. Yeah. What do you kind of want to do here? Because, you know, what we've kind of found is people who call in have their instinct in how they want to handle it. What's your gut telling you to do?

My gut was telling me to do the same thing that you suggested, Jake. I was just going to bury this and pretend like it never happened, like really push it back in my memory. I did tell one of my friends and I said, listen, I'm going to tell you a story and then we're never going to talk about it again. So that was sort of how I preface the story to anybody. So honestly, I was going to do that. That's sort of what I'm feeling is right. But I do like the idea to send a text, maybe unrelated. Now, I've got a question. Is this out of character for you and your friend group?

Yeah, I think so. Like, I'll be honest, if Lamorne stayed at my house and he masturbated every day, truthfully, all bits aside, that would be out of character and it would warrant a talk now if he masturbated in the shower or you know outside of public but if i can't but if i looked at a video i was like watching my dogs in the living room and he's watching porn with his pant i would go hey lamorne what's up my man like but there are other friends maybe gareth is one of them that i would be less surprised by thank you i live in rarefied air if the if the garf man was standing on my dining

room table with no bottoms on i would go like hey man just don't break anything my friend so stop dancing while you do it just finish yeah why do you lose your balance when you end why do you why do you giggle so much what's so funny about that it's been going on for a long time in your group of friends if the story circulated that this happened, would everybody kind of laugh or would it be shocking? Shocking. I am the professional put together one out of the group. I'm the one that the answer is. I'm the one that is probably looked at as like a mom figure.

So this is very out of character. What do you do for a living? I would love to tell you that because you are going to love that, but I'm not going to tell you on air. Can you give us a, without any specifics, tell us, or you're afraid of people finding it? It's definitely in the same vein of this conversation. I think you got two paths forward. I think it's an either bury it, but I got to say, as we're talking and getting to know you a little bit, I don't think burying it's the move. and getting to know you a little bit, I don't think burying it's the move. I think that you got to sniff around and see if there's a bomb in these woods a little bit. I think you got to do

the random text and just start a dialogue and see if there's any smoke. The way LeBourne and I did that terrible example of the wedding, I think there's something to that. Okay. What do you guys think? Yeah. Either way, opening it up, kind of clearing the air in whatever way, or even if you don't have to, clearing the air, and just starting to see the vibe. I bet you'll be able to tell a little bit of what's going on.

You never know with women. They're good at hiding things no for sure yeah i think you come out of the closet with this one i think you let everybody i think you let everybody know you're a freak let everybody know you like to get busy but how would she do that if you were her what how would you do this like to your group of friends how do you come out that way yeah Yeah. Accidentally, accidentally send a video of yourself that, you know, when you were in the office alone and say late night sesh with myself, you know what I'm saying? And then be like, oh, my bad, you guys.

Does this does this confuse you? You know, we got to be more open, man. I got to say, hold on. We've done a lot of these so far. That's probably the worst advice we've ever heard my man no no it's not it's not you know it's like when hey hey late night sesh you know what i'm saying because this one got away from me everybody what's gonna happen is they're not gonna expect this from you you know and your secret of like loving to masturbate in front of people's cats

in their homes on their furniture on in their in the refrigerator mute thisute this man, Kevin. Mute this man. Gareth, in closing, you got anything? In closing, look, there's some options. I'm curious exactly what path you'll take. I mean, you basically said it, but I just want to, again, be clear. I have house sat. I have masturbated on the couch where they hang out. I've done it with the animals adjacent. So as far as you ever going, you should not feel bad about what you did. When I have people come to my house and I can take care of my cat, I know they're definitely doing strange stuff in the places where I hang out. You know what I just realized? I think I might want to start a business and it's called we house it and we don't masturbate in your house apparently it happens because if you have master sitters but if you have if you

have pets and you need someone to house it i don't want people masturbating on my couch i don't want people using it as a you're not gonna you're gonna have one, and they're not going to be good. No, I'm doing one that's called Petsturbators. And actually, we lean in. And we promise, our guarantee is that we are going to be playing with ourselves around your animals. Just like you would. Just like anybody would. That's gross. Gross.

I'll see you on Shark Tank, Emma. I would love to see. I'm going to pass on that idea. I got to tell you, Barbara from Shark Tank would go, now that's a good idea. I am a real estate mogul, and I always masturbate. Mr. Wonderful, I'd love for you and Barbara to partner up. That was kind of my dream pairing. Mark Cuban, I always masturbate. I masturbate in Dallas. In the locker rooms.

We actually have a jack check in the Mavericks locker room. So Emma, I would say what I want to push you towards, but I keep going back and forth. My feeling is maybe there's a random email, but I also feel like you're asking for trouble. You masturbated in her house for a week straight. You had a lot of fun. Nothing has come of it. You have not heard. She did.

Well, God bless you. You have not heard from that group of friends. There's not chatter there's no smoke i think you got to you know swallow this grenade and just kind of move forward all right i think that's pretty pretty solid advice because if they do know i've established the connection yeah yeah yeah lamor and gareth you got anything else in closing no i think that's right i i think i. I think reach out. Let's clear the air. But I'm curious

what's going on with Lamorne. Lamorne, in closing, you got any final advice? Don't be ashamed who you are. You know? You're a freak. I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed. I got a lot of straight-to-camera roll videos out there. What does that mean? Do you want to plug

any of those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look out for my hidden folder in my iPhone. Shout out. Shout out to my hidden folder. Shout out to the dog pics folder on my phone. Here's to the hidden folder. Yeah. So at the end here, we always like to ask, uh, uh, what do you think that you're going to actually

do? I think that I am going to bury this in my trauma memories and pretend it never happened and send a text to reach out just to see if they're going to pretend everything's okay too. That makes a lot of sense. All right. Well, I want to say thank you for calling in. I also want to say thank you to the always charming, the always handsome, the freak in the sheets, and the freak on the streets, Mr. Lamorne Morris. Damn. God damn.

Hold on. Give me a second. Thank you. We'll make sure these cameras are on. Bye, everybody. Thanks, Emma. Bye. Thanks, Emma.

Bye, y'all. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on our show, please email us at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

That was a hate gum podcast.