We're Here to Help - 40: Parental Guidance with Eduardo Franco

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Eduardo Franco talk to callers about intimacy with your parents. Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

yeah wow dramatics yeah yeah all right everybody we're here to help why don't we have No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, We have a great episode, Gil. He's a giving friend, but not financially. Come on, Jake. Let's get into the intro. We don't want to squatter it. It doesn't always have to be financial. I do support you. I'm available for parties, bat mitzvahs, and weddings. If you want to have Gil Buchanan DJ or just even give a speech.

I give great speeches. Oh, you're trying to do live cameos? Anything where I can get a little cash. How's your cameo account going? Cameo, pretty good. I'm doing it for 13 bucks a pop. Gilby Cannon. Yeah, Gilby Cannon Cameo.

We have a great episode. Hold on, Jake. The only person on Cameo who gets the complaint a little too long. Sometimes he's got a little winding and I've got something about 25 minutes. They call me the Bohemian Rhapsody of Cameo. Well, because you asked me to buy one. Yes. And I did. Yes. And you left ahapsody of Cameo. Well, because you asked me to buy one. Yes. And I did. Yes.

And you left a two-hour cameo. To be fair, 45 minutes of that, I didn't realize the camera was still rolling. Well, the first 45 minutes was how greedy I am, how much of a star you are. Well, I would not say greedy, Jake, but you know what you like and you don't like it. And also, if it weren't for my girls,

nobody would know old Big Nose, which I heard you say to Alice. Hey, come on. Cameo slash Gil Buchanan. Ones and twos. Give it to me. Anyway, we've got a great episode today. Eduardo Franco from the movie Self-Reliance.

This is coming out early January. It's going to be January 12th. Self-Reliance on Hulu. Jake Johnson. So he comes on. He is as funny and as good as, well, hell, anybody imaginable. He does a great job on this episode, Jake. Did you like Stranger Things?

I love Stranger Things, Jake. You are Stranger Things! We'll be right back. We're here to help is brought to you in part... We're not doing sponsors? Sorry, I'm a little discombobulated over here. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the show. Enjoy it.

Without further ado... Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. You got a special one today. You've got, obviously, Gareth Reynolds. You've got Jake Johnson. And you've got an actor who I'm a big fan of,

who's in my new movie, Self Reliance, coming out January 12th on hulu mr eduardo franco thank you for joining the show eduardo hell yeah let's do it eduardo's one call warmed up so get ready he's ready so uh what is your name where you're calling from and your age um my name is anna i am calling from los angeles Okay, what's... Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're talking to a bunch of L.A. boys. Where in L.A. are you at, Anna? What's the exact address and street is what Jake said. Now, what's your neighborhood? What's your neighborhood?

Sherman Oaks. Sherman. Oh, nice. Shokes. Shokes. Shokes. Crave Cafe. That's right. Cold Water Canyon.

Today's sponsor is Crave Cafe. So, Anna, how old are you? Roughly where are we at? I'm 33. 33. And what's your sign? Jake, I don't know if we... I'm a Taurus.

Taurus. So what does that mean to you? Okay, I don't know if we're... Are we going into a strange world? We're gonna. What does Taurus mean to you, Anna? It means I'm loyal. It means I'm stubborn.

It means I like to be home and cozy, comfy. I really like being a Taurus mean to you, Anna? It means I'm loyal. It means I'm stubborn. It means I like to be home and cozy, comfy. I really like being a Taurus. You could also be a pug. The other option is you might actually be a pug. Have you looked into that? Loyal, stubborn, like to be cozy and comfy. How's your breathing? It's a pug, baby.

Do you get out of breath if you run for the dining room yeah yeah so your eyes pop out of your head a lot i'm a chow hound i gotta go to the vet all the time anna what is the problem today this is already the most fun thanks guys um okay so my problem is like i said i'm 33 years old. I'm a grown-ass woman, and my parents still kiss me on the lips every time we say goodbye. Whoa. Good parents kiss.

Whoa, this is real. I didn't think the – Oh, boy. Oh, boy. No wonder you want to stay home so much. And so what is the question then? So is there more setup there? Is there more story?

Or is that the issue? Mom and dad kiss you on the lips. Yeah, and I think it's even a little bit funnier to know that it's also my stepdad that does this. Yo. I would say significantly less. He's been a father figure to me since I was five. Okay, funny again. If you said, like, just met my mom a year and a half ago,

I'm not laughing. They're still dating. He's a lot younger. He has a ponytail, and I think he's after her money. I'm not laughing. He keeps saying we could have it all before he does it. Oh, jeez. Okay, so he's your stepdad,

but he's been around forever. We've normalized parental figures kissing you on the lips. Let me ask you this. I'm already opposed to this. How long are they holding on for that kiss? Quick peck? Quick.

It's a quick kiss, but it's definitely full lips. So mom and dad kiss on the lips. Yes. And they always do it when you see them they say goodbye with a little uh lip action and yes what's the what's the question is the question how do we get them to stop basically because i feel like i feel like it's a basic thing of just maybe at like i'm sure it could just be asking them, but it's different family dynamics. Like, I don't know how your family dynamics are, but I have a hard time just like saying how I feel to my mom.

And like, there's, you would probably take it kind of personally. So, and it's, it's now it's so, and I don't see them a lot. They live in Indiana.

Like I said, I'm in Cermanoke. So I don't see them often. This doesn't happen often, but it happens, you know, every time to the point where I, yeah, the question is, what do I do? How do I get them to stop without having to just tell them I don't like it?

Do you approach them for the kiss or do they approach you? Hold on, Anna. I can answer that. She does not lean in. She doesn't. Get out of here, you. Hold on. But if she answered yes, Eduardo, what is this call?

My parents kiss me on the lips after I lean in and close my eyes and tilt my head. No, it's just, I thought maybe like, I don't respect your, like, here we go. Oh, interesting. You just, you know, because she's so concerned about, like, you don't want to disrespect your mom and your pops. Anna, can you walk us through, I like where Eduardo's going on thisna can you walk us through i like where eduardo is going on this can you walk us through how the kisses happen uh narrate it as if it's an audiobook to walk us through you're in indiana it's over a holiday yeah you're saying do you stay at their house or do you are you a hotel stayer uh no i stay there okay so walk us through

how a kiss would occur please from let's go with stepdad. Okay. So like, you know, I'm getting up, I'm leaving the house. He gets up and it is a very animated arms out. And like the, he's already making the face before I can even like try and say goodbye. It sounds like I'm making that up for the bit, but it is very animated. Okay. And does, and how does it go with mom does she follow stepdad does she mom is more no mom is more of a hug into like you know you try and pull away and just like plops it on you real quick on the lips i feel like that's more

natural stepdad you just made me imagine he just like all of it he said animated too as he just like he turns into the mask do you have other siblings and that's what i was gonna ask i have two brothers who or i have three brothers but the two that are obsessed with this podcast they're both so jealous that i'm okay hold on what are their names yeah what are their names um eric and christopher what's up eric what's up christopher how you doing thanks for listening man big fans so you're big fans of them sure i don't know i got turned around i got a little weird i got excited yeah all right we got eric and christopher all right that's two big fans of them i promise good so but here's my question uh what's your stepdad's name mike does mike kiss the boys on the lips? That's a good question.

Definitely not my oldest brother. So they're just kissing their baby girl? They're kissing the girl. I think so. I think so. Yeah, I think so. That kind of gives me hope then. I don't know why.

I feel like it would have been like a Tom Brady thing. Are you her brother? Tom Brady does kiss the boys on the lips. For a little too long. Yes, I've seen that, and it's horribly, I hate watching that. It's horrifying. It's horrifying. So listen, like we always say. It just comes on all the time.

Jesus. There's nothing else on. It follows me. Let me say this. It is not as long as that kiss was. No, I hope not. That one's crazy. But again, seven rings do what you like.

Do you and your brothers go back for the holidays together? We actually are this holiday. Usually we don't. Okay. Well, you've got a very special opportunity. You want to pitch? I do. Go.

And I know I'm going to be the only one here because I can feel the tone in this room. Uh-oh. Anna, it's a loving gesture from mom and dad. Oh, my God. No. No. We're here to solve the problem. I am trying to solve it.

You're in a bar. You're talking to your friends, right? Yeah. As your friend. Let's get real for a second. Mike and mom aren't going to be around forever. That's true. Come on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. we don't live in goofy world we live in reality and there's going to be a time

soon that you're going to go remember when mike would stand up with a big animated grin and then you would plant one on and you're gonna laugh and go what a guy how and you know what he's been like my fucking dad since I was five. And he filled a lot of emotional holes. And he did a wonderful job. How old is Mike? Mike is 65 years old. That could be a lounge for another...

You're talking about 20 years of his. 30 years. I don't want to get morbid here. I did also have a father, a biological father, who passed when he was 61 so i think jake's on the right track of this could happen sooner rather than later okay but we're still trying to hold on thanks anna it's sometimes hard to uh jesus here it's hard to hear that cut it out and number one podcast don't look it up uh how about you in this time of people not wanting germs as much?

You fake a cold. You're under the weather. You can't kiss. Maybe we can set precedent here. That's my first one. OK, then. OK, and you can you can be like, I have a weak immunity, something like that. OK, what about also we go we go aggressive.

Yeah, you know, we go aggressive. Yeah. You have mono. We go aggressive. You hold it for a long time. See what that does. See how that shakes it up. The checkmate. Yeah. Get weird with it.

When they're pulling away, you hold them there for a little longer. You're a fucking weirdo. And my last one, my last one, let's stop this holiday season using mouthwash. Let's make the breath real bad. Let's go old school football move.

You can even sip a little iodine or something. Make the breath so bad that nobody wants to go in for the kill. Eduardo, you got anything off the top of your head, any pictures of what you think she should do? How often do you visit them? How often do you see them a year? Because you can't be not all the time damn okay you don't love them that much then okay

you could do a fake cold sore do you have a significant other coming home with you yes i have a husband does he get jealous hey that's my girl bro hey bro why Why you macking on my girl, bro? He starts to show the absurdity. He starts kissing Mike on the lips. How far do we want to go? That's what you're doing. Basically, LeJoker.

How crazy you want to get, Mike? Okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Anna, let's go. Let's get back to you for a second here. Okay? Okay.

Now, I'm going to give you each each pitch and i want you to respond okay okay fake a cold no okay i'm gonna pitch you another thing hold it long get weird that i'm always into doing more of the bit more of what's funny than not so i can't kissing your step hey hey we're just asking her questions dude what kind of comedy you like we were laughing don't tell me you're don't tell me that's kind of what eric and christopher like because that'll ruin i'm excited that we got fans in them you think it's funny to long kiss your stepfather hey hey she's okay and sherman oaks i'm not going to the clip okay so you're kind of open to the idea. And this is for real, Anna, because holding a kiss back to Mike is creating a really weird dynamic.

If we're going to do it, we do it right, Mike. And then you win. I think I would choose my mom. I think if I were going to do the long kiss, I would choose my mom. And what do you think would happen? So mom goes, okay, honey, like, have fun. I'm going to Whole Foods. Bye.

And she goes to kiss you and you grab the back of her head oh wow yeah hold it for three seconds what do you think would happen there walk us through it i would be fearful that she enjoys it and is like this is what i've been looking for a big kiss i'm not sure but i do think that she i don't know i really think i think she'd be a little weirded out she'd like pull away and think I'm just trying to be funny and so she would just laugh at me I don't think it's going to solve your

problem no because then I think here's what's going to happen if anything they're going to get their feelings hurt and they're going to go Anna thinks it's weird and then Mike's going to go I won't do it I love her so much. I was very excited to see her.

That's a win to me. That's not a win. I want stepdad to stop. That's where I have my line. What do you think about purposefully having bad breath? I dislike that simply because I want to kiss my husband, and I would feel bad for him. Well, if he has bad breath, too, it cancels out. Yeah, medically speaking, from a biological standpoint. and I would feel bad for him. Well, if he has bad breath too, it cancels out.

Yeah, medically speaking, from a biological standpoint. Just take a big bite of like a radish right before. And what do you think about your husband pretending to be jealous? Why don't you kiss me the way you kiss Stepdad? What do you think? I think that's pretty funny. There's no way he could convincingly do it. They so close and last one before we get to jake's he kisses mike yeah well we had that husband kisses mike what do you think of you what your husband leaning i don't like it right after he i don't

like that no no he goes listen he goes like this I guess there's no rules. And he kisses Mike. So here's where I'm going to go on this one. Okay. I think we got some solid options. I think we got to really think about mom and Mike's feelings here. Yeah. And I think it's a vulnerable spot. You're their little baby girl. They're so excited to see you.

And they're going a little over the top. You know, it'd be worse if they weren't excited to see you and they're going a little over the top you know it'd be worse if they weren't excited to see you that's true and i know that as a fact that's how my mother that's not what this calls about no so i think you've got to lean into the fact that they love you so much that they do something a little bit weird. You got to be grateful. Don't take that stuff for granted. As well as have an inside joke with your husband and your brothers. And that is whenever they do it, have one of your siblings or your husband try to take a photo of it.

I got it. Create a photo book called Mom and Dad Kisses. And in a bunch of years, you have to make it a coffee table book that you give back to them in five years. Yeah. Steel. We used to do this on New Girl. We had a camera operator. I remember this.

You weren't there with Casey. Our camera used to always take breaks and sit on a curb and smoke cigarettes. And Trent O'Donnell, the director, took all these photos of him. And he sent us all a series of Caseyy pics of this like you know grumpy operator smoking here smoking there and together it created this great thing so anna i'm really pitching this now lean in have your brothers and your husband in on the joke where they take photos of it so that at a certain point you have about 30 pics of Mike Lip kissing you in different stages in the next 10 years, hopefully. Then you guys as a family have a book of these kisses.

And when the time comes that they're gone, you'll always love it. It'll make the moment really funny. You'll have to bite your lip not to laugh when he leans in. That's a good one. Bite your lip so it bleeds. Yeah. What do you think of that? I love that idea.

Is that something you would lean into? I really like it. I really like the gift idea because then you're giving me a perfect gift down the road. That's super sweet, dog. That's really sweet. And it could be really funny to do. Are you going back this holiday season? Yes.

funny to do will are you going back this holiday season yes will you send us the pics of mike and your mom lip kissing you i'm just laughing at the idea of that but yeah i will this is the beginning of the book right and so if we can get those pics we can put it in it starts and then this is really a book for you your your husband, your brothers, hopefully mom and dad at a certain point, but it's done out of love. You're not telling them to stop, but it's funny. And it's weird that they lip kiss you.

So you guys are having a bit about it. Yes. In return, I would like some pictures of that man smoking a cigarette off of New Girl. That would be great. Oh, Casey, I can get you.

I got a bunch of Casey shots of my phone. You were literally there for about two hours total. No, no, come on. I saw a bunch of them. So I'm going to have them take pictures. I'll send you some pictures. I will save those pictures and then in ten years I will make a book and I will gift them that book and it will be the best bit of the family.

I think that's a wonderful move. I think it keeps everyone's feeling high. Merry Christmas. Alright, I'm out of here. Thanks a lot, Anna. Woo! That was it right there. Thank you, Anna.

Thanks, appreciate it. Eduardo, thank you. Thank you, Eduardo. Thank you. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app

that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over, they're like asking for snacks, they're being annoying, or even waste hours on apps that don't really help.

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Yes. That's a big ass turn. And applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in. Like when I think back to taking French, it was just so much. It was like, I'm never going to do that. It's like, how do you order food? How do you get a drink? How do you ask for directions?

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So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester in college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study.

So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer, or should I do it? Closer. All right, hold on. Let's get him. Kevin? Door's open. Come on in.

Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. What? I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were, Kevin. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. We can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead.

So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners.

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I'll tell you what. I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online.

Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement, and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation and there were so many times so many things like complications were popping up and there were multiple

times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah, you would use ZocDoc because it's just so much harder if you're just like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call, do they take your insurance? The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up.

Yes. And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in. Yeah. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear.

That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the. I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah, you're just the... He goes, I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this.

Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance, locate it near you, treat basically. And again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky.

That's right, Gil Buchanan, 1s and 2s, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that cost you?

Free. Free. That's right. And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. Hello. Hello.

Welcome to We're Here to Help. Hi. Thanks for having me. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and then a special guest from my new movie, Self Reliance, a guy who played a ninja production assistant and just murdered it, Mr. Eduardo Franco. What's up? What's up? What's up? Hey, when does Self Reliance come out? It comes June 12th. January 12th. January 12th.

January 12th. Let's get it right. You can watch it June 12th, whatever. It'll be there for sure. Whenever you want to watch it. Eduardo, you were excellent in the movie. You were excellent to work with. Every scene you did when you left,

everybody talked about how great you were. You just blew me away. So thanks for doing the movie. That's dope, man. It's real. I mean, I told you in person too. Because you were just coming in and he plays the main ninja main ninja i remember yes you've seen it yeah and the first day when you came you left the whole crew was like that dude's awesome man that dude killed it that guy was over like yes man because that whole tone is so weird yeah so

uh it really needed to be nailed and i didn't know what the answer was so i remember i was talking and you were like should it be like this and i kept going like let's try it brother that was dope about working with y'all man is is it was almost like like it i don't want to say that the the everything was set in stone because it was it was solid i also don't want to say like oh we were bullshitting that's right that's like a dumbass thing it was like really like it was so smooth and like fun yeah it was really it was the set was just you weren't there so can we get your name please alice uh where are you coming calling from alice uh houston texas houston and uh what's the problemo today what can we do to help hey jake houston she's got a problem gareth yeah honest

to god all right cut it out you're oh jesus christ somebody had to do it yeah okay so go ahead alice yeah so i'm getting ready to publish my first novel which is real exciting yeah thank you um and i'm obviously pretty excited to share that with my friends and my family. But the problem is that it's a romance novel, and there's a handful of explicit sex scenes. Oh, boy. And I'm struggling with the thought of my dad listening to me narrate those scenes in graphic detail in the audio book.

How great. Are we talking insertion graphic i mean yeah parts are named things are put places so when it's a romance novel uh alice it's kind of like a sexy like a daniel steel sort of yeah or like a uh 50 shades of grayish where we live in alice yeah i don't know if we're quite... I mean, we're not quite there. There's sex in it, but sex is not the point of the novel, so

there's only maybe like three scenes. Wait, there's romance novels and then sex novels? They're not the same thing? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought they were all the same thing. Eduardo, what a 29-year-old. There's a big difference between sex and romance young man

i just remember like it like you like at walmart like you'd walk through like the books would be next to the video games because you know magazines oh this is different actually i hear what you're saying so there'd be like like a buff lavio yeah so alice do you know what he's talking about because i actually am with him yeah is that a romance novel where there's like a hunk and a horse? Well. Well, you know what I'm talking about. It sounds a little insinuating. It sounds a little bit like my Google search.

All right. We'll be right back. Cut it. So, Alice, what's the title of your novel? It's A Tangle of Serpents. A Tangle of Serpents. A Tangle of Serpents. Nice. That's a gang bang.

A Tangle of Serpents. Oh, God. Cut it out. Sorry. What's the lady that turns you to stone? Medusa. Medusa. Yeah.

So is that the... Medusa, yeah. Will you give us a one or two line pitch of the book so we can wrap our heads around it? Sure. Yeah. So it's actually a modern day mafia romance. Fun. In which... Forget about it. our heads around it sure yeah so it's actually a modern day mafia romance in which forget about a feisty but normal woman gets mixed up in some events concerning the local mafia and kind of stumbles into the attention of the mafia don oh and i think the Mafia Dong more like it. Is this based in Houston, Texas?

The Houston Mafia? It is based in Houston, yes. So I got a question for you. Oh, no way. So, Alice, if this is... Y'all got a major problem. Y'all messed with the wrong thing. I'll tell you that much.

You ain't understanding what we're putting down. Now, this whole area belongs to the Carlisle. Has for a long time. Look how they massacred my boy. Listen, we'll pay you a shut up fee. So, Alice, the question then, now we got a sense of the book, Gareth has had a lot of fun doing the voice. Maybe more to come, who knows?

I can guarantee more to come. Well, I don't hate the idea and so the question is what how do you tell your friends and family that you got this book and knowing they're gonna hear you do the audio version where there's sex scenes is that the kind of question where we at i have no issue with my dad having willful ignorance about these sex scenes like knowing they exist, but not really knowing. Sure. My thought was, I want to cut those scenes out in the audio book that he listens to.

But if I do that, it's really obvious. Yeah, don't cut it out. Don't cut it out. Well, I was actually thinking we'd take a different track. I was hoping you guys could help me figure out a way to fill in those gaps with like a pg friendly dad version i i like that glosses over those scenes every time they're about to have sex they just start grilling or like well or they have to fix something around the house well let's get to this squeaky door yeah exactly every time I got the WD-40.

Yeah. I like the idea. It might help us if you could, I'm not saying read it to us because that'll take too long, but why don't you walk us through where it's starting, then there's a sex scene and where it's going and we can maybe figure out a patchwork version. I think that's smart. Yeah. So the first one, and for context it's about maybe halfway

through the book so they've been building a lot of sexual tension i like that as a reader i like that it's a slow burn i can't jerk off sorry go ahead yo hold up hold up hold up hold up people used to like before oh yeah wait what eduardo's question is about to be... Whack into a book? Yeah. Yes, young man. There was a world pre-internet. No way. Yeah. There's no way people ever whack into a book. Oh, yeah.

That's crazy. Yeah, absolutely. Like, no pictures. No. No. You don't know what we used to masturbate about before the internet. Before the internet. I don't even know how to explain it.

This is a whole phenomenon. This has been talked about. But men used to leave porn, like Playboys, in the woods for other men. That's true. I did find one one time by the river in my hometown. It was like how, that was pre-internet. Men would just be like, here you are, boys. Okay.

So how long is the sex scene? Is it three lines or is it four pages? Yeah, it's some pages. Nice. It's almost an entire chapter, the first one. But I don't think these replacements need to be that long. No, I agree. It's more just they're in a moment.

She's recently been in danger and he has rescued her and he is yelling at her because he was so afraid for her safety. Okay, keep going. And they have this kind of like the tension comes to a head. Okay. Keep going. And they're in his office. Uh-huh.

And in the book. Hold on. Stop. You're telling me you couldn't masturbate about this, Eduardo? Garrett and I are there. Jake, don't stop him. Yeah, yeah. Let her finish, Jake.

I'm looking at words and just getting a boner. Yeah. Crazy. You never had a word hard? By the way, we got a title. All right, so keep going, because by the way. I'm harder than this cover. I got to tell you, Alice, this is kind of a hot scene.

Yeah. So there's a lot of tension. They're all mad at each other, but he really cares about her. He saved her life. Saved her life. And then keep going. Where are we at? Adrenaline tie, all that.

So tension comes to a point. He ends up pushing her against the wall. They start to go at it. Fun. They have round one in the office. Nice. Jiu-jitsu. Jiu-jitsu.

Who tapped out first? They sparred. Round one. The hard spar. round one goes to her round two okay so where's where does round two take place alice in his bedroom down the hall okay wow so there must have been about a 45 minute walk from the hallway to the where he's an old mafia boss he's eating a lot of carbs he is apologizing saying the next one will be better. We've all been there. Okay, so. You're just so beautiful. It's been so long.

Really. The hot part about it is I haven't had sex in years. I didn't think this would be happening tonight or I'd be prepared. Honest to God, I did not expect this. And you could tell by my performance. I would have seasoned the pan. Is there any written talk about his disappointment in his own performance no no no there's not and she's saying like honestly it was great and he's like no but you didn't you didn't finish he's amazing i know you were close in her world of course well now you took me out of it

hard to relate to i can't i gotta find something representation Well, now you took me out of it. This is not a book on the masturbation. Hard to relate to. I gotta find something. Representation. All right. So this human stallion does the unthinkable, and they're going for a second round in the bedroom. Yeah.

So how about this? Let's just take a quick second. They're in the office. They're fighting. What's his character's name? Damien. Damien? Damien. And uh what's her name elizabeth elizabeth okay liz to her friends what if we jump to when it got to it gareth i'll read his accent i'll read it read those i'm gonna read a couple of these chapters real quick i'm damien's friend what do you think what do you think of that and you can

say you could say dad we're doing this because i didn't want you to hear me read these but they're important things so i got my friend gareth to read as she put her hand on his pants he moved it away he wanted to go all hand first that was for the bedroom boy i'm about to boss and it might read yes yes so what it could if we got it to you would you ever read the female part and send it to kevin on your phone would you that's great you can say no you can say no i fucking dude if somebody wants me to read a female part a thousand percent so alice we have a real pitch you. And that is you explain to your dad on the audio tape, what's about to happen. Then Eduardo and Gareth jump in and read the sex chapters. When they have different dialogue, they jump in.

This is just for your dad and your friends. That is it. It's for family and friends, but those people get that. And then you can show them this episode before so that they understand why you're doing it this is a great pitch then solved it's funny but they're not losing or we're not writing fake alice even if you don't want this pitch i want it so i don't know what to tell you what do you think of that alice i could go for that that right that i mean that solves my main problem i'd be be 100% game for that. The only other option is just do it, narrate it, and then disappear.

Yeah. So you got two options. Eduardo and I can read a dad-friendly version, or you just got to leave. Alice, you got two real pitches here. The group over here is willing to help you out and narrate your book for just family and friends, not for posting or any of that stuff, but really for your dad or two.

When the audio book is sent to your father, you disappear. You gotta leave. You gotta go. You become a mariner. What would you like to do? The ocean is your life. I mean, I would like to still be able to attend Christmas dinner. Okay. You know, in years to come. And so, Alice, what do you think you're going to do here in closing? I feel like option one is going to be where I'd love to go. If you guys could read those for me.

Yeah, you send Kevin what you need, and we'll get it done. We'll get it done for you. We'll send it back to you. And then we would ask for maybe your dad's information to have him on after he hears the audio. That's a great way to do it. I think maybe we have him on after he hears the book. That's a great way to do it. I think maybe we get dad on to talk about the book. I don't think we're going to need you on for that, Alice. Nope.

But maybe we just talk to your dad about that and the chapters, and that's how we can close this thing up. Men chat. Wait, so it'd be really dope if he did get a censored version, and then we get the full version, and we start asking him about the full version, and he's just like what are you talking about it's just like no that's not the right book no we've we've solved

we can't take back opening up now we're closing up i don't know but like i'm just saying it'd be really funny if like let me like he saw something else like my buddy was talking about one time like you know like you would buy a cd and it's like there's like the explicit version yeah he told me like when he was a kid he would get the explicit one and his friend his parents were like really religious so they'd give him the yeah it'd be like different fucking song yeah yeah so his friend would be like really funny and then i like and then he'd keep seeing the shirt. While I put it, always gonna, man.

He thought it was like, he thought it was a creative choice to go sideways. He's like, man, he really left a lot of space. You have a third option. The third option is you just create, it just cuts.

And then we'll have your dad on and we'll interview him. No, the third option would be, but Damien took his hand and slid it. Next chapter. As she moved closer. Please don't, said. As he slowly let it, she couldn't.

I got to say. Until all of the sheets were. I didn't expect this, but I kind of like option three. You do a dad family version and you literally do what they were just talking about in certain songs. You omit phrases. He took his big inside of her.

She screamed with until he and then together at the same time she took his hand, his mouth slowly. Alice, this is a moan. She couldn't throw a moan here mouth slowly. Alice, this is a moan. She couldn't. Throw a moan here and there.

Alice, this is a really fun way of doing it, actually, because you could then say to them, just so you guys know, because you're my family and friends, some of these sex scenes, I edited. A little bit. But I still need you to listen to them because there's story stuff that happens.

She went to her knees and begged. He obliged with... This might be the best idea so alice three options now and it's up to you he thrust his one do you want the edited version like that where you just read it and then you cut out stuff which i think would be very funny two do you want gareth and eduardo to try to read it and send it in or three do you want to send it and disappear possibly not disappearing okay so you can take that off that christmas dinner's gotta be banging dude she wants to go back to that so bad it's gotta be really really good god damn i need that type of dinner in my life, yo. Holy shit, yo. Yo.

Interesting take. That's how I saw it. Yeah. It's true, though. You're right. I can't disappear. She keeps mentioning that one dinner. I cannot disappear. I want to go back to Christmas.

Oh, Jesus. That's a great thing for a character in a movie. I have to be a thing. I have to. We have to get you back to Earth. Why? This Christmas dinner is banging. Okay. So we're not disappearing. character in a movie i have to be okay we have to get you back to earth why it's christmas dinner is banging okay so we're not disappearing you got to get back for christmas dinner now you got one

and two one is the edited version like it's a cd and you just lose words and that will create its own really funny rhythm but then they are hearing it the way it was written because if it's gareth and eduardo it's going to be a different bit and what's going to happen is they're going to pay less attention to the story but it's going to be a fun thing for everyone but that's emotional stuff between damien and elizabeth and you do take yourself seriously as a writer and these people in your life care about you as a writer so they want to hear your story your dad especially is probably your number one fan and he's excited as fuck to read it and he's probably less excited about some guys from a podcast doing their bit not necessarily maybe i'm wrong yeah our demo of over 55 is very small and i check the numbers

so a version of you doing it and editing for your dad if i'm the dad there i'm hard laughing yeah if it goes easy with the word agreed i'm real talk having a laugh yeah sometimes hard laughing but honestly these days less i'm just happy if i'm laughing so where are we at uh i think I'm leaning towards cutting only certain words in the middle of the chapter. Me too. I love it. I hadn't thought of that. Can you do us a favor then that we might use a part rather than your dad? Can you send us a clip from the sex section that we could play at the end of this?

Yes. So that we could go, first of all, Eduardo, thank you for joining us. Alice, we are loving your thoughts on it and at this point we would like to play a section of your book tentacle of serpents enjoy wait what's the name of Serpent It's a different book It's a lot of penis I'm all wrong It's like suction cups

That's a disgusting book I don't know why I wrote it I visually need to see that version So this is called Tanglement of Serpents A Tangle of serpents. Please enjoy. I'm so out of it that I don't even realize he's moved

until I feel his tongue flick across my... for the first time. He repeats the move, using short, pointed strokes of his... his... me, and he... just so, effortlessly finding that... maintaining a steady rhythm pumping his while this eases me he brings me to within minutes we're here to help is hosted by jake johnson and gareth reynolds the show is produced and

edited by kevin bartelt and the associate producer and editor is aj mckee our social media director is caitlin tanwakio and our and editor is A.J. McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HeadGum Podcast.