We're Here to Help - 41: That’s Not It! with Jeff Kober

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Jeff Kober help callers with some hygiene issues.  Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

And we're back. Jake Johnson. Jerry Buchanan. Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, Gil Buchanan, and my buddy Jerry, Johnson. Jerry Buchanan. Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, Gil Buchanan, my buddy Jerry, my brother Jerry Buchanan. How are you doing, Gilly? I need a place to stay. And you are barking up the wrong tree

for the last time, Jerry. In 1974, I was married to a woman named Alice, and you stole her away. You're nothing but a snake. It is not 68 and Balmy. It is 72 and sunny. You took away the woman of my to be a silent observer, and you're ruining the intro. We got a hell of a show for you today. You took away the moment of my dreams, Gilly Boy, and I'll never forgive you for it. If this is your first episode, I'm sure this is a real hard one to listen.

You and me are the Buffer Brothers. We both do, though. Get ready to rumble. You have taken away my dream. You will. That is a catchphrase that has been copyrighted. I also know Jake Johnson. America's number one podcast.

I also want to live in a garage. I apologize about that. You live in a garage. I apologize about that. You live in a garage inside of a garage. You're like a Russian doll. We've got a great show today. Jeff Cobra comes on. Who's Jeff Cobra? I'm going to tell you.

I don't have the answer. Back to Garth. He's 68. Ball me. Jeff Cobra has been in a million things. He's in the movie Self Reliance. I wrote him apart because he was on new girl where he played the landlord and i had a fake three-way with him in miss zoe dashanel and he just blew us all away he became a favorite to the cast the crew the writers and he came on my movie he crushed it

too and he came on this podcast crushed incredible it's just so hard for me to hear that someone crushes on new girl and then they get all these other opportunities. Well, you gotta crush there first. Yeah, right. And it's just sort of... 68 and ball me, I'm Jerry Buchanan. Let me lead you out here without being interrupted by the trash bag who took my love, Alice. Alice, I still think about you all the time.

Jerry Buchanan, ones and fours, 72 and... Doesn't make any goddamn sense. And sunny. What? 72 and Sunny. What? And with Art further ado, I'm Jerry Buchanan, and I'm taking you to the show. Hi, welcome to the show.

We're here to help. Can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Jackie. Jackie. Where are you calling from jackie so calling from um marshfield massachusetts near plymouth mass and near plymouth cool and uh you don't have an accent i don't although sometimes people think i do like my friend who grew up in western mass i'm like i really don't uh you're here with a special guest jeff cober he was the landlord in a new girl and he's in my

movie so you remember the landlord the old three-way yeah i know well old remy's here right now um that's a song that you guys were dancing to yeah oh yeah yeah they did well they actually put a song on on set for us to dance a little bit, I remember. Oh, probably was not that song. But all those great touches were improvised by Mr. Jeff Kober. The character with his own name tattooed on his arm. Yeah. Amazing.

Zoe says, I don't understand, Remy. How'd you know my name? It's on your arm. So, Jackie, you got a special one today. And what can we do for you? One of my coworkers, her breath has become very bad. We've worked together for a while. We are friends now.

So I feel like I need to say something. But I also don't want to embarrass her yep it's pretty bad walk us through how it's is it cigarette bad is it food bad is she doing some weird ketosis thing bad where are we at here there's a lot of kind of bad honestly so at first i thought it was food i was like oh maybe she just ate something weird i know she eats like tuna fish a lot and hard-boiled eggs. What is she? What is she, like, curly? What are you trying to turn me on?

What is she? Nothing hotter than a babe in bed being like, how about some tuna fish? It's like Heathcliff's diet. What in the name of God? It's like if a compost bin worked. Alright, so you thought it was food i still think it might be food to be fair it might be food where are we it probably is

but it just it lingers and it's like the same scent every day but getting worse okay so like i can't even yeah i can't even sit near them okay, it's like first in the morning. I know it couldn't have been that early, or then it's even the same at night. I'm like, I can't take this. I'm not sure what it is. What kind of thing do you do for work, just so we can get a gauge of how we can help you? Oh, yeah. So I work at a cancer center. Okay.

So like a clinic, like a patient clinic. Okay. So you guys are interacting with patients a lot? Correct. So the breath is really bad. It's not cigarettes. It might be food, but it's gotten worse. Which is interesting.

Yes. And even to the point, like one time we were walking, and we walked by a dentist's office, and I go, oh, I really need to make a dentist appointment to see, like, if they said anything and they did it. I was like, all right. She was like, yeah, you should. All right, what do you say?

You want to go eat from the garbage? Do I just go out and say it? You want to go eat some fish bones out of the trash? Yeah. Jackie, your question, if you could sum it up in a line, would be what? Yeah. What would I say to her? We're asking.

You called us. What's your question? No, that's it like i don't know like how would i like yeah like is it rude to be like out front like hey i think you need to get this checked out or yes happy christmas here's a tongue scraper for christmas or what uh what is what should we name her betty. Betty's great. Betty? Let's call her Betty. Yeah, we're going to call her Betty. Betty, that works great. Okay. So, Jeff, really quickly, and just because we're now getting a lay of the land here, we got Jackie from Plymouth.

You work at a cancer center. You deal with patients. Her co-worker's breath is terrible. What's the first thing that kind of pops into your head here? This is a society society-wide problem that no one talks about and when they do boy does it stink it's like everyone has dealt with this at some point yes that's right yes and a very uncomfortable sensitive thing it's like it's like when when someone has a booger in their nose.

How well do you know them? If you're really good friends, you're like, hey, man, you got to. This is harder than that. This is harder. Because a booger, you could say, you made a mistake. Bad breath says your insides are grossing. You have a lifestyle. And I can smell that.

I was at Farmer's Market once. I ran into a friend who was standing there with a celebrity singer. Name the son of a bitch. Prince. Loudon Wainwright III. Yeah. Thank you, killer. Thank you.

His fly was unzipped. I just met him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't. No. Excuse me. No. Mr. Wainwright.

Your penis is too close yeah because there's something about doing the act of what you've called in for that is putting them in a vulnerable spot you feel bad too yeah they feel exposed in their shame yeah you're you're embarrassing them we don't want to do that so i have a pitch pitch. Okay. Do you have a question? All right. You go first. Is this person married in a relationship? No, but yeah. Yeah.

In a relationship, not married. In a relationship. Okay. All right. I'm just trying to, I'm just. So I've got a beginning. It's not necessarily funny, but I think it could work. Okay.

Okay. So I would say that I would get all the coworkers together and I would say, guys, we need to have a discussion. The patients have been complaining about the bad breath of all of us. That's great. They would not say- Someone has bad breath.

They would not say who, and you go like this, and look, I gotta say, I'm ashamed it might be me. But we need to, and then you go, because they brought it up to me, LOL. But you go, we need to now, as a group, be the best fucking breath-smelling people in any cancer center in all of Massachusetts. We don't know who it is.

They're saying it smells like someone threw an egg into a fish.. We don't know who it is. They're saying it smells like someone threw an egg into a fish. But we don't know who it is. And put it in a closet for a couple of weeks. Yeah, sort of let it sit in a hot car for a few days. And then you could say, so to begin the remedy, which I would like us all to do, I bought a pack of those Listerine strips. So everybody, let's start with this.

Anybody has other solutions. Let's be the mint office. Let's have Listerine in the bathroom. Yes. This is embarrassing. I like this. They came to me. I'm really embarrassed.

It might be me. So hopefully Betty goes like, honey, your breath does not stink. And you go, holy shit, I smell it right now, though. It's getting bad. It might it's getting bad someone near me and you lean into the anonymous patient yep and you lead into the uh this could be any of us yes uh yeah go ahead i have i i love this idea right and there also, there's one other way to go here, which is it's only a week from Christmas. Yeah. You could put together a package with some floss and toothpaste and a really good brush and some Listerine strips and a big, big, big bottle of the Listerine.

Yeah. And just give it to her anonymously. You know what? I think, I think there's room for a pitch combo. Okay. You say Jake's pitch, right? There has been some complaining. Some of these people are already very nauseous.

We don't want to push that in. They're in a bad spot to begin with. So, since we don't know who they're complaining about, I put together a little gift box for everybody here so we can start punching up our oral hygiene. Yeah, I think that way it's less specific. But if it's one on one, I'm going to say I like if you're going to do the gift for everybody. Ellen, the showrunner for Minx at Christmas last year or wrap, I don't remember. Everybody got like a bottle of whiskey or

something cool she got me these shoes wow now at first i thought wow were they new then yes but then i thought because now they look like old balance yes we'll be right back but just but just jeff and i just jeff and i You had a great run. Hey, you guys, it has been so awesome. And at first, I really appreciated the gift. But then I realized it's because I've been showing up to work in Crocs and shower sandals. And then it actually went like, oh, my God, this was a gift of need. Because I go, shoes are a wrap gift. I'm like, really sweet.

And she goes, I just thought of you. It's the equivalent of wrapped i'm like really sweet and she goes i just thought of you it's the equivalent of giving somebody like deodorant yes and so i went like it's really sweet but also she's like put on better shoes yeah but now if she gave everyone shoes way less specific by the way i did not know someone could bury themselves lower than crocs but when you said shed shower shoes exactly really hard to hear for everybody, obviously. I've worn Crocs to work, but never shower shoes. I gotta tell you, it's a whole other level of comfort. Especially if you have like a 6 a.m. call time,

you get out of the shower, keep the fucking shower. You are not a sophomore at college. But I have a friend who has a stand-up joke, Jake. I have a friend who has a stand-up joke about one year his mother gave him tooth whitener and Rogaine. And he was like, this is probably the most aggressive worst present someone could give. I think you're right. I think it's, you do.

So that's why I would take your pitch, which I think is good, Jeff, and just give it to your, you don't need to do a lot. Just a little bottle of mouthwash, some Altoids. Yes. And a tongue scraper could go a long way with someone who's eating fishy eggs funny thing about mother's when you said they gave the gift i talked to eve johnson last night uh-huh she said she's been listening to the show and she goes you and the other guy are getting too wild lately she goes go back to the collar the collars and stop talking to each other so much and then she goes and second

she goes you have the instincts of a woman to me i go what does that mean she goes i don't know she's like listening to you it just feels like i'm listening to a woman in my house one of a kind one of a kind there is so. There's not a thing I don't like about that call. She also, when she watched New Girl season one, or when Damon Wayans Jr. came back, she goes, I liked it more without that Waymans guy. He's fucking wild. Waymans wasn't.

She was not like wild. No, she hates it. So, Jackie, we're kind of in a zone here of the idea of an anonymous patient, gifts of mouthwash and Listerine to everybody. Mouth toys. Really quickly, do you remember when we did that three-way, was there any weird breath on that?

There was no weird breath on that. We all had mints. To be fair, we didn't make out. That's right. We were close. We were close. we came really close as close as i ever expected to come to a strange and again i was in my underwear yes exactly right i think i might have been too my man well you were in shower shoes i was in shower shoes for sure or at least sweat mats so jackie what do you think

about the zone we've put you in here i think that it's actually a pretty genius plan you know do the the group like the two in one get everybody in the group and then give a group gift package yep okay so are you going to do the a patient came to you are you just going to give everybody oh yeah yeah i think that's a good one absolutely can you uh give us a read pretend we're the group, and let's take this seriously as the group and see how she does it. Will you do a practice run? We're the other people in the hospital.

Great. He's a tryout. Call action, Jake. Quiet on set. Cut it out. One's in two, 68 in Balmy. America's number one podcast. Don't look it up.

Action. All right. So on the housekeeping agenda for today we did get a number of complaints um about um bad breath within the clinic sorry i just thought someone needed to voice betty don't okay all right all right and okay sorry no interruptions all, because it's about Jackie. We're too wild, as Eve said. Yeah, I agree.

We got to grab it. And I'm thinking of Jackie's feelings because I have the instinct of a woman. Okay. And action. Anyone want to fish or an egg? Hey. Oh, okay. We got a meeting going.

Everyone quiet down. Hey, as a woman to woman, Jackie, I'm sorry this man keeps interrupting. It's my mansplaining. So, Jackie, I'm sorry. Gal to gal here. Let's get Gabby and let's cut these two men out of this. All interrupting. I'm mansplaining. So, Jack, I'm sorry. Gal to gal here. Let's get Gabby, and let's cut these two men out of this. Go ahead. All right.

So, yeah, so we received a number of complaints about bad breath within the clinic, and, you know, it's something that we should probably address. Shut up, Gareth. Keep going. He just did this like weird breath i was going yeah i know but then here's the problem jackie i saw him go like he made like a weird like fish mouth because he was thinking he was like oh literally you could not have cut me off close to the bit as far as stop the bit if the bit were halitosis it was about to emit i know so keep going jackie get us out of here for god's sake yes yes yes yes yes so um and just in light of that i think that um i did bring out this package that i made together with some Listerine mouth strips, some extra floss, mouthwash.

We'll leave them around in the bathrooms. So feel free to, after lunch, double check. Check your teeth. Make sure there's nothing in them. And pop in a Listerine strip if you feel it's needed. I think that's great. Jeff, first thoughts if you're a co if you're one of her co-workers there what the fuck i think that's right it might be weird but again this is

for an audience this is for an audience of one yes so you're gonna make some other people feel weird we're just trying to neutralize one spill jackie i have a note because i'm with jeff on this one and the reason that my guy gareth kept jumping in is because he's a man of timing and it was going long yeah i think it's way faster as and i think also start with my solution might seem weird but it's the only way i can something like like that. I wouldn't start with that. I think your start, Jackie, I think your start was perfect. Hey, guys. Yeah, okay. With one slight edit. Go ahead.

Instead of a number of complaints, we've had a, pause, few complaints. Yes, agreed. Because then it makes it even more of a. Yes, and then you might just be talking about one weirdo. Yeah. But let's take it seriously. So, Jackie, can you try again? And in your head, the whole thing's 25 seconds tops. Do you want Betty to sort of be at the beginning of this wrapping up? Fine. Let's let Betty start. And then at take the yolk out and you put tuna fish inside of the yolk part of it. It's hard-boiled. I thought you put the egg inside the fish earlier.

Yeah, that's another way to do it. You put the egg in the fish. Betty and Stacey? Jackie's looking to say something. Oh, I'll tell you more about these weird recipes later. So there was something that I wanted to bring up. We did have a complaint that there may have been some bad breaths in the clinic. So to fix that, I'm going to be putting together a package with some refreshers, Listerine strips.

Stop. I don't think you need the solution. Stacey, you had something. Something pissed you off. Well, it was a complaint. Yes. And so now we're looking for who complained. I think you need, yes, patient. I don't think you said patient.

Hey, Jackie, woman to woman here, can I give a pitch? Yes. Stacy and Betty, you guys want to start and I'll jump in? Sure. Yeah, so the key is that you leave the fish out for like a couple hours and the smell starts to go, but it tastes better the more it smells. I'll eat what a dog would eat. I can smell it.

What? Your breath is disgusting, bitch. And I think so, and the patient thinks so. You've got to have some sensitivity. Your breath is disgusting. Jackie. What, Stacy? Also, when you say your solution, you just say,

don't even call it a solution. Just there have been a few complaints uh about bad breath someone i don't know but i'm gonna leave some of this in the bathroom so let's just clean it up that's it that fast that's it and then that's it and then you go like this uh moving on anybody got something else great and then you i left some tuna cookies in the kitchenette for everyone to try if they want to. So, Jeff, you're a man of meditation, yes? Yes, I am. You've got a, on your Instagram, you've got a handle. Will you tell us the meditation handle if anybody wants to follow?

Yes, JeffCoberMeditation. I've gone down the road, and I appreciate it. Can you give me some pointers of how to deal with my partner in crime here who drives me off with his Betty impersonation. I'm being wild. I know. And as my mother says, it's too much. Too wild.

And then, Jackie, maybe a little bit of this meditation could help you, too, because you're about to do something bold. You could buy him a meditation course for Christmas. That would go a long way toward chilling him out a little bit. And he wouldn't need quite so much attention. Ooh, ooh, ooh, you wild ass, my mom's gonna kill ya. Or just compartmentalize. Maybe that's it.

The way to do it, if I may pitch on the pitch, would be to say, you come here and you say, I've been getting some complaints that some people are steamrolling the show a little bit, so I bought everyone some meditation courses for the holiday season. Jackie, thank you for the call. All right. Thanks, Jackie. Keep us posted. Thanks, Jackie.

Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars

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This is interesting. Michigan State University and others prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like, I don't know, I didn't go to college. college 15 hours you just did a semester yeah that's wild yes that's a wild study so speaking of language should we bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin

what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. We can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running.

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babble i'll tell you what i don't want to babble your ear off i gotta go back to the jalopy rules and restrictions this episode is brought to you by zocdococDoc is a free app and website Where you can search and compare Highly rated In network doctors Near you and Instantly book appointments With them online Garf what does that mean to you Well it means a lot because as you know

My mother was in town for a while She had a hip replacement And it was crazy It was a crazy situation and there were so many times so many things like complications were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close you use that doc yeah you would use that doc because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and

then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what i like i actually use zocdoc we since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on uh but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like doctor said to me about my hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just the he goes i've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah?

Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically. And again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky.

That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, 1s and 2s, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com

slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs, Jake? Free! That's right. And then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H ZocDoc dot com

slash H-T-H Hey. Hi. Welcome to... Hey, how's it going? Great, how are you? By the way, thank you for the positivity. Yeah, you were just... We were just going to plow through. Yeah, and how dare we? Agreed. How are going great how are you by the way thank you for the positivity yeah you were just gonna plow through yeah and how dare we agreed how are you how are you for it yeah what's happening how you doing i'm doing great i'm doing great guys thanks for having me i'm really excited to be here we're really excited you're doing good uh yeah yeah i'm doing fine

how are you that sounds a little complicated uh I'm great. Thank you. Okay, well, welcome to America's number one podcast. This isn't an intro. It's a call. Don't look at the numbers. Are you trying to create a catchphrase? America's number one podcast. Can I get your name, roughly your age, and where you're calling from, please? Yeah, my name's Hannah. I'm 29, and I'm calling from North Carolina. Hannah?

Kayla. No, Hannah. Hannah. Oh, damn it. We're not keeping score, but so far I'm winning the call. Every time you try to create a catchphrase, I am too, and I'm going to do it.

That's not it! It just becomes a series of nightmares. Guys, the caller's on. That's not it! America's number one podcast. That's not it. Oh, come on now.'s not it oh come on now hannah 29 north carolina talk to us what's going on so i'm calling in not something super weird but um i'm calling in because my husband flosses in the living room he flosses in the living um okay floss in the living room might not be too weird, but every time we're at his parents' house,

they're all flossing in the living room. Now it's getting super weird. After dinner. And, you know, what they want to do in their house is fine, but in our house, I would prefer that that stays in the bathroom. I think it's kind of gross. They're flicking stuff all over the place. So a lot of stuff is coming out during the flossing yeah yeah and he has fantastic dental hygiene don't get me wrong because he's comfortable

flossing anywhere he sure is but i just don't appreciate it and i've said something to him about it but because he was raised that way he thinks it's normal to do that uh what's his name uh jeff okay so jeff flosses in the living room you've always been annoyed by it but when you go to uh jeff's mom and dad's house they also do and it's like a weird pack of animals flossing their teeth on the living room couch yeah and they like leave the floss dispensers right next to the couch like that's that's too much. That's too much. I would say almost too much. Well, I have a confession. First, if it's about teeth, you've got to smile to the camera.

I have a confession. And when we're talking about teeth, listen to me. The smile you can trust. Ding. I have a tooth missing, Hannah. Even before this tooth was yanked out of my head two days ago to try to ultimately get a better smile going. Wait, this was

cosmetic? It's not even cosmetic. I have no overbite. So I get like cavities because my front teeth touch. So it's a better... So I'm getting Invisalign to try to get a slight overbite. Are you becoming a vein maniac, Garf?

We're too old for this. First of all, it's called vaniac. And second of all, no. This is purely... So this is about... This is about less cavities. Okay, never mind. Saving me money, something you like.

Yes, I like that. I can't go down the road. Yesterday, Gareth and I were talking on the phone. I don't do this. And he was on the Peloton during it because we made a chubby joke. You made a chubby joke three times. Hold on.

Thank you, Hannah. Hannah. Hannah. Gareth, let me talk. Wait, I'm Gareth. Gareth is very skinny. Thank you. He's very handsome.

Thank you. Women like me. Men like me. Yes. Women want to be me. Men want to fuck me. This is a joke that Gareth and I have done against our friend Steve Berg and each other forever. Recently, the Garf Man is taking it personally and being on a Peloton.

You motivate me. So, no, I'm done. I love it. No, I need it. No, you don't. I'm afraid you're going to get wet. You're the gas in the chub tank. I need it. Your teeth are perfect. My teeth are not, I need them. No, you don't. I'm afraid you're going to get like... You're the gas in the chub tank. I need it.

Your teeth are perfect. My teeth are not, first of all... They're fine. They're fine. They're fine. I'm not doing this because I'm like, my teeth. I'm very... You get to our age, you're like, this is what it is.

This is it. This is it. It ain't great. It's not great. But, Gareth, we're not chasing great physically. I'm not. This is a... This is a...

My dentist was like this. But it will resolve... But is it like a weird Beverly Hills dentist who has classic surgery himself or herself? No, no, no. She might, but everyone does a little now. No, Gareth! Get a different dentist! It can happen.

What? A little bit of juice is fine, babe. But, no, this is purely because I have no overbites. My teeth... Okay. My teeth suck. I'm English. All right, all right, all right.

So she yanked it out of my head. I understand that. Anyway, my point was going to be, I remember probably about 10 years ago driving, and I saw a guy flossing in his car, and I was like, this is fucking disgusting. Because it is. It's disgusting. Yeah. I floss in my car now.

You do? I do. Sometimes I'll floss in the car. I have floss in the car. Ew. It's bad. It's real bad. But I am alone. Yes.'ll floss in the car. I have floss in the car. It's bad. It's real bad. So, but I don't, I am alone.

Yes. And it's just me. It's my own little weird world. So, yeah, I'm kind of, I hear you, Hannah. So, to me, and I'm not a guy who flosses enough. I'm a guy who didn't go to the dentist for 12 straight years. And when I finally went in my, like, late 20s, I had, like, 25 cavities. This was insurance-based probably, too.

Yes, for sure. I remember that. And I finally got a commercial. Yeah, I know. You're like, hey. I was like, dude, I'm going to do everything in two weeks. Yeah, yeah. So, but I'm with you.

The idea of watching a human, this feels very personal. Yes. Flossing your teeth feels close to me like wiping your butt. Oh, come on. No. Hannah, hold on. Hold on, Hannah. Are you with me on that?

I am. One of my friends keeps insisting this is a bathroom activity i agree like wiping your ass yes flossing should be a bathroom activity yes now we here's where we're in a hard spot with jeff uh because he was raised this way so if you're raised by wolves you're gonna act like a goddamn animal right yeah so and you know it it it happens to Tarzan. It happens to a bunch of us. In a lot of ways, I've had previous girlfriends and now my wife wonder if I was raised by animals

because of how I behave in human society. So I'm a little bit with Jeff on this. Is it wrong to ask for an example when it comes to this? I mean, everything. Okay, all right. I mean, the example would be how I behave as a human would be easier okay i sometimes am clean yeah and eat three meals at the right time right and i sometimes sleep eight hours right right the rest is just like you watch a coyote

live and eat that's how i exist okay well you're like did you sleep yeah yeah it's not enough what'd you eat garbage how you doing i ain't dead yet so doing good chase me a rabbit slept me three hours all right you're a parent sad sad for them so this isn't about uh gareth's looks or my animal behavior sure this is about hannah and jeff and so here we are is this the question hannah Hannah? And I apologize, we're rambling, but this is our first one of the day and we're seeing each other. So how do we get Jeff to stop flossing his fucking teeth in the living room? Is that the question? Yes. And as a bonus to acknowledge that I'm right.

Okay. Well, okay. Well, I think I have a pitch to try to get both. Okay. The obvious pitch is you've talked to him. You've said this. He says it's not weird. Yeah, he says it's fine.

So I guess it would be to sit, calm it up a little bit, and now you've got to make the living room your bathroom to some extent. Oof, I think this is getting bit. And now you've got to make the living room your bathroom to some extent. I think this is right. Yeah. You've got to start moving some of your bathroom stuff into the living room. I know we said it was adjacent to wiping your ass, but I don't think we're there. No, we're not. I think we moved the deodorant into the living room. I think we maybe have a handheld mirror in the living room. I think maybe we were doing makeup in there. And I'll tell you one that drives me fucking crazy that people seem to think is okay is where they trim their nails agree if you start trimming your nails in the living room and saying this is a bathroom activity that you're moving to

the living room what's wrong with so hannah uh in terms of that this is an interesting play this is the old uh fight fire with fire routine that the garf man goes through and on one of the calls i think we called it uh fight the 70s bush with the 70s that's right absolutely a bush merge so i do remember that one a bush so i think we're leaning in that direction to start what is something that you do in the bathroom besides wiping your butt because that is a romance killer you're only 29 you got at least another decade more of pretending to like sleeping with each other. So what is something that you do in the bathroom that you find gross that you could bring to the living room and make him grossed out? This doesn't necessarily gross him out, but he really hates when I paint my nails. He hates the smell. So I can do that like right there on the coffee table next to him.

I'm ready for my pitch this is based off garth's pitch okay i wouldn't do it at random times i would carry the nail polish with you when the floss comes out the nail polish comes out it's pretty when the floss goes away even if you're a finger and a half deep on your left hand it goes away and you say shall we both do this in private yeah or shall we both are we done with the bathroom share yeah are we done with the bathroom living room or shall we like what how do you want to do this jeffrey and he goes i want to floss my teeth the way my wolf parents taught me and that's in public and you go well then my wolf parents taught me to do my thing yeah hey jeff you're the captain now. And then let him

say at a certain point, all right, you're right. I want to go in the bathroom. I don't want to smell that. I don't want to see it. I'm in favor of that pitch. But again, options are always helpful. A third option. Do you have the same dentist as Jeff? I do. We just started going to a new dentist, actually. Both of us. Listen, this is what I would do. This is just another idea. Next time you go to the dentist, explain to the dentist the predicament and see what the dentist thinks. And the dentist is probably going to be like, hey, I'm around teeth all day, but I still think that's gross. And you could go sideways, but then Jeff doesn't need to know. That's true. Then you plant some seeds with the dentist that next time Jeff comes in, you want the dentist to sort of try to move him away.

Jeff, are you flossing a lot? Oh, yeah, I floss all the time. Oh, good. Okay, because, yeah, you don't have a lot of plaque in between these teeth. You're not flossing in your living room. You don't have to floss more than once a day. You know what? Going off that, there could be something there hannah you could ask the dentist if there's

anything in the teeth that is like bad that's good too because part of this stuff when you're saying stuff's going around yeah is there's nothing good in between your teeth now that's plastic yeah that's disgusting stuff yeah you don't want that meals of old yeah you don't want that on your remote. Meals of old is a cool idea for like a dive bar slash kitchen. Let's sidebar after we solve that. Let's cut that, Kevin, in case we put a lot of money into it. Yeah, please.

So here's what I would recommend. Option C. And this is not involving a dentist. And I'm going to tell you why I would move away from that. You're starting a potentially weird conversation with a dentist. You can do it. Dentists are great. Sometimes. Look at what happened to you. Come on. Ripped your a dentist. You can do it. Dentists are great. Sometimes.

Look at what happened to you. Come on. Ripped your tooth out. So she left town. She'll be back. So here's what I would do. I would do a little internet searching, Hannah, and I think what you're going to find is that the bacteria in between the teeth is harmful.

It's bad stuff. It's why we put alcohol in the kitchen. No, it's gross. We got to go to you a little bit, Hannah. Where are you at? What are you thinking? So I'm liking all the ideas. I think we've got some great material to work with here.

I think some possibilities. Jeff is really stubborn and strong headed. So I can see that the negative reinforcement situation isn't going to work. Is there a world in which a positive reinforcement like a pavlov dog situation to work where every time he flosses in the bathroom he's rewarded in some way this is as like a plan a backup plan interesting sure if you feel like combat is not the direction so you you don't think fire with fire is going to work with jeff because you'll just create a war where your living room will just turn into a bathroom and it's going to

be a disgusting mess so yes so in terms of rewards um what's something that you have to offer jeff that jeff really likes hannah is there any is there anything you can think of woman with a man has a man is into just to clarify make sure i'm picking up what you're putting down am i like to flash jeff every time he flosses in the back not a bad start well well we're hannah at this point we're asking not to tell yeah we're in a precarious position where i don't think we can necessarily be the barter pitcher yeah but also i don't know what's going to work so you tell us hannah what is something that you know your husband because i we thought fire with fire and you said you just don't know the players involved it's not going to work yeah we're talking

fucking yeah so what is going to work here is it flashing if you walk in there while he's doing in the bathroom and you show him your boobs is he going to be at mardi gras and be like yeah i'm in or is he going to go hannah you good yeah it'd be great i like those let's keep it to the bedroom so what do you think that's a bedroom activity disgusting put those disgusting melons away what are you doing you animal so you tell us hannah and then we'll lock in a plan together. Again, we're on your corner, but you're the boxer here. I honestly think that that's the, the one thing I'm always going to have on me when I'm in the bathroom. If that's what we got to do, it might just do the trick. I don't know.

What about this? Because yes, that's nice. But if he's expecting that night, you know, what's the old saying? Uh, if you give away the milk for free, why buy the cow so yeah so here's my other thought of it if he loves to floss while watching tv and then you think like well when you're in the bathroom you'll see your boobs and he goes like well i'll probably see your boobs tonight when you're getting in bed so so i didn't see him at 8 30 i'll see him at 10 what if there's a vibe that if he flosses that night when he goes to do the like you tired and leans over you go not tonight floss boy i don't i don't hate that

either and he goes what and you go you go i'm sorry jeff watching you floss in the living room apart from what your mommy and daddy said it's not a turn turn on for me. You would have to go in the direction of when you floss in the bathroom, that turned me on. Yes. That's what it would have to be. And when you're in the living room, it turns me off. So really, Jeff, you're the winner here. Up to you.

I love you no matter what. And I'm so excited to be with you if you floss in the bathroom like a human boy. Yeah. Anna? Where are you at you at girl we've given some options um i think she's i think she's liking this yes but this is hers not ours yes yes i think so i think like the nail polish in the living room might be like an easy low-hanging fruit just see if it works that i don't have to commit something that might escalate and spiral out of control it won't it won't i'll

tell you why i'll tell you why it won't get out of control he's gonna break this is this is taking away water from someone in the desert they might say like i don't need it he's gonna go who cares about flossing in the living room i'd rather have have sex with my wife. Yeah. What am I fighting here? I think it's right. I mean, I really do. I think, yes, it is shocking how much sex will really motivate a man. Yeah, but also it's intimacy. It's saying, I'm taking this from you.

Yeah. So, Hannah, what do you think about doing this move here? And that is playfully withhold and then playfully release the damn reinforce what do you think i think there is no other way to go in this situation i think this is the answer and maybe the answer to more than one problem that i have well guess what he might not admit it but you'll admit to yourself in nine years after you got this guy wrapped around your finger, you're right. You got the golden ticket, girl. You got magic bumps. All right, please follow up with us. Yeah, let us know how that goes. Absolutely. I will, guys. Thank you so much. Thanks, Hannah. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's OliverRaleigh.com. That's OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke.

You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.